Twisted

LIMERICKS

by Dawn Pisturino

Classic Artwork by Heinrich Hoffman

2011

THE CANNIBAL AND HIS DOG

A cannibal walking his dog,

Got hungry and sat on a log.

“I‟ll start with the spleen.

This dog is too lean.

I shouldn‟t have taught him to jog!”

THE SAILOR AND THE WHALE (1)

A sailor who kidnapped a whale,

Got the ransom but landed in jail.

“Am I dumb!” said the crumb,

As he sucked on his thumb.

“I shouldn‟t have sent him by mail!”

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THE POSTMAN AND THE SNAIL

A postman delivering mail

Was attacked by a slithery snail.

Quickly, he trod on that fierce gastropod,

Fighting him off tooth and nail!

THE SAILOR AND THE WHALE (2)

A sailor who kidnapped a whale,

Got the ransom but landed in jail.

“Am I dumb!” said the crumb,

As he sucked on his thumb.

“There isn‟t enough to make bail!”

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The Old Man from Brazil (1)

There was an old man from Brazil

Who ate „til he made himself ill.

He gave up the ghost,

Said good-bye to his host,

And flew home to his house on the hill.

The Man in Galloway Bay (1)

A man lost in Galloway Bay,

Cried out in a very loud bray,

“I‟m lost in the sea,

Someone please rescue me!

I‟ve been swimming for more than a day!”

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The Sorcerer from Beijing (1)

A sorcerer born in Beijing,

Found a magical jade dragon ring.

It breathed out green fire, burning all his attire

Except for one shoe and stocking!

The Man in Galloway Bay (2)

A man lost in Galloway Bay,

Cried out in a very loud bray,

“I‟m lost in the sea,

Someone please rescue me!

The fishermen think I‟m filet!”

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The Man in Galloway Bay (3)

A man lost in Galloway Bay,

Cried out in a very loud bray,

“Please come rescue me,

Hungry sharks can‟t agree,

Am I breakfast or dinner entrée?”

Published on Underneath the Juniper Tree, July 12, 2011

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The Man from New York

There was a young man from New York

Who stuffed down a very large pork.

He doubled in size, for he wasn‟t too wise,

And popped off his head like a cork!

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Ashes

A man with a hairy mustache,

Tried to smoke and was turned into ash.

His body was gone,

But his ghost lingered on

To sweep himself up for the trash.

Spiders (1)

A girl who ate spiders for lunch,

Found shiny black widows to munch.

The poison contained in their bodies remained,

Giving that girl quite a punch!

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The Man from Brazil (2)

There was an old man from Brazil

Who ate „til he made himself ill.

“It‟s always a treat to eat mangled meat.

I relish the taste of road kill!”

Published on Underneath the Juniper Tree, July 16, 2011

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Spiders (2)

A girl who liked spiders to eat,

Found poisonous spiders a treat.

Their sweet-tasting nectar

Began to infect her,

Turning her into dead meat!

Spider Cider

A girl who liked spiders inside her,

Washed them down with a very fine cider.

“Two parts cyanide makes them slither and slide,”

She wrote to her secret confider.

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The Sorcerer from Beijing (2)

A sorcerer born in Beijing,

Found a magical jade dragon ring.

It breathed out green smoke,

Transforming that bloke

To a blood-thirsty cannibal king!

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KILLERS

A killer rampaging a town,

Ran into a carnival clown.

The clown drew a knife

And took that man‟s life,

Then started a spree of his own!

The Witch and the Burglar

A witch riding home on her broom

Spied a burglar trashing her room.

I‟ll get you for this!” she said with a hiss.

His head was soon found in Khartoum.

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An Uppity Cat

A cat who liked veggies and cheese,

Refused to eat mouse canapes.

“I just can‟t abide that tough, hairy hide.

I‟d rather eat onions and peas!”

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Dirty Donald

A Poem

Dirty Donald!

His hair, full of lice,

Grows down to his shoulders,

A haven for mice.

His teeth are all rotten,

Mildewed and black.

His tongue is so long,

He could pass for a yak.

His breath stinks of corpses

Dug fresh from their graves,

A delicate morsel

He constantly craves.

He glares at the ravens,

Surrounding his head,

With murderous eyes,

Pronouncing them dead.

Then yanks out their feathers

And nibbles their toes,

Lining them up

In neat little rows.

His clothes are so tattered,

The buzzards all say,

“What a fine looking fellow!

Let‟s eat him today!”

Published on Underneath the Juniper Tree, July 17, 2011.

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THE END

Dawn Pisturino

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