ULLKThe Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... Tuesday, 09 April 2013

OREA B ...like Korean war threats!

A new laptop was recently introduced at the campus bookstore and it is now the university’s top-selling item. The laptop is designed to fit the needs and wants of the current college student and absolutely nothing more. It has been reported that since the laptop debuted, the cumulative college GPA has dropped almost .5 points. The administrative board is becoming con-fused and concerned and has begun investigating the bookstore’s activity.

The new laptop is the epitome of simplicity, featuring a mouse and only five buttons that take up the majority of the keyboard. The five buttons all con-nect to Firefox and open up various websites; the websites include Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and YouTube. The laptop also features a small, pin-hole sized button in a secret location that opens up Canvas.

“Whenever I used my old laptop, I would open up the internet and I would be on Facebook before I even realized what I was doing. This new laptop is so fast and easy, it cuts out the middle step!” one student comments.

“We figure that since many students already call their computers ‘Reddit Ma-chines’, we’re just marketing to the target audience. It’s pretty basic eco-nomics, really,” says one bookstore employee. However, nothing could have prepared them for the disastrous consequences.

Besides the cumulative university GPA dropping, several hundred students have started not showing up to class because they “forgot” that they were taking classes. It seems that after they spend 12 hours sitting at their desk

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New Technology Enhances Student Procrastinationby Veronica Tabor~ Daily Bull

NORTH KOREA - In an astonishing turn of events, Kim-Jong Un has admitted that everything is an elaborate April Fools prank. His people aren’t starving, they have full internet access, the nuclear weapons aren’t real, and the cake isn’t a lie. All of this and more was revealed at a press conference in Pyongyang this weekend. The Daily Bull has acquired a transcript of this historic event.

*Reporters take their seats, and Kim steps up to the microphone. He frantically gestures to an aid to bring a box for him to stand on. After Kim steps on the box, the aide frantically runs off stage. A gunshot is heard in the background*

Kim: Ahem. It is my pleasure to announce that we, the people of the glorious nation of the best Korea, North Korea, have actually been pulling one of the most elaborate April Fools jokes in history. Everything you know about our country is really an elaborate lie! For example, nobody eats tree bark in our country! I mean, who would do that? We are very effecient at feeding our people the food that we do grow.

*Kim pats his overly rotund belly, beaming with pride*

Kim: Do you have any specific questions?

Reporter 1: Why pull such an elaborate prank? You’ve killed tens of thousands, spread fear and panic through-out the world. For what?Kim: Ah, we were just killing lepers! They wouldn’t have survived anyways, so it’s no big deal. Actually, this whole thing happened when my Dad was still alive.

North Korea Claims April Foolsby Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks ~ Daily Bull

see Glorius Leader on back

You see, he used to work with big Hollywood actor, Alec Baldwin. One day while whipping slave...I mean oversee-ing some workers, Alec thought it might be really funny to make people think we’re some kind of crazy nuthouse of a country. It would be prank years in the making, and it would take the efforts of every single proud Best and North Korean. See though, we got all of you! We’re so awesome!

Reporter 2: What about your reported nuclear weapons program? Is that a hoax as well? Do you still plan on attack-ing the South, and possibly America?

*Kim tightens his tie and shiftily looks around the room*

Kim: No, that’s all...false. We were going to use the nuclear material to make the biggest power reactors in all of Asia. We need it for all the computers we have; I hear our young people just love playing that Starcraft 4 game.

*Another aide quickly runs up to Kim, and whispers. Sounds like an explanation that Starcraft 3 doesn’t even exist yet*

Kim: Whaddya mean it isn’t real? I’m going to MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY YOU FOOL. Oh, um, hi everyone. Sorry about that. Sometimes you get interruptions. I heard Bush once had a shoe thrown at him. Anyone know any good knock-knock jokes? No? THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER. ALL HAIL THE BEST KOREA, NORTH KOREA!

There has been no official word from the country as to what their next prank might entail.

If someone is yelling “I would never hurt you,” or something of that nature, while chasing you with an ax, gun or some other kind

of weapon, they’re lying.

physically unable to be productive, all sense of time and space is lost.

“I forgot to eat last week,” said a second year ME major.

The consequences of this new technology have been showing in the class-room as well. Of the students that still show up to class, attention spans are severely low, and the number of active listeners on campus is decreasing at an exponential rate.

“I don’t remember what I’m majoring in,” one senior student comments, “Tumblrogical Engineering? Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“I forgot how to walk last night. Like, I tried getting off of my desk chair and fell over and twitched a little bit. I think I’m just going to live in a sleeping bag now and roll around campus,” another student testifies.

It is times like this where we may question how far is too far with advanced technology. One thing is for sure, a sleeping bag seems cozier than a lecture hall anyway.

/ u s e r / t h e d a i l y b u l l 8 0 0 8

GREAT SON OF LIFE GRAND VIZIER

SECRETARIATAlex Dinsmoor

Typewriter Monkeys: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Olivia Zajac, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan, Cameron Long, Jeanine Chmielewski, Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks, Alec Hamer, Sam Schall, Veronica Tabor, Chase Peterson, Ken Arndt, Corey Tindall, Theresa Tran, Abigail Skibowski, Evan Krettek, Ian Peoples, Connor Knudson, and Supreme commander of the Korean People’s Army.

Rico Bastian

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from Glorious Leader on front

For you women out there lingering around the intellectual individuals around campus, move your pursuits to something more beneficial- something to make you more of an independent woman. How about finishing your own degree? You are not here at Tech to prey on the vulnerable beings. Rather than trying to pursue a MRS degree, be more realistic with your chances.

Let’s be honest, you’re not as attractive as you would like to think. It’s only acceptable to acquire a MRS degree if you are hot enough to be considered a trophy wife. We understand that you enjoy spending money and have a new pair of shoes to buy, but those smart men deserve all of the money that they will make in the future. We also understand that some men have this universal weakness. It involves you using that weapon in between your legs to get what you want but, hey, to each its own.

Just kidding ladies.

Fuck it, use those super girl powers that you have to get what you want. This may include a free lunch or a warm pair of UGG boots. That odd thing be-tween your legs can get you almost anything that you will ever desire in this life. A nice arse and a great pair of breasts also don’t hurt if you know how to use them. Don’t forget to bat your eyes and giggle uncontrollably at the most inconvenient times.

Do not be ashamed young gals, you have got to do what you have got to do. Good luck in your endeavors and #YOLO

Money Talks, Women Listen.by Theresa Tran~ Daily Bull

This is a subreddit devoted to Best Korea, and as such only slaves citizens of the country are allowed to view it. Contents include, but are not limited to: expectations of inhabitants, simple recipes that make the most out of food rations, and Chuck Norris-esque memes of leader Kim Jong Un. The moderation team is fantastic, keeping all posts and comments in line with the country’s expectations of obedience and secrecy. But user be warned: your identity is NOT anonymous, and unacceptable submitted content WILL be used against you.

10/10 – only the best for Best Korea.

Subreddit of Korea Day: /r/Pyongyangby Kara Bakowski~ Secretariat

But I have bad taste with a deep fount of intellectuality.

--Mel Brooks