tribune 12
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Sammy Tribune 12TRANSCRIPT
#12
TheSa
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EconomicstraindevastesSammy
JoshTillis’futileactionsareplungingSammyfurtherandfurtherintoheavesofdebt
WhitequailsSoiledDoves
AnallegoryfromMr.RyanMeister
HeyNateStarr!How’slifeinHoustontreatingya??ST:How’syourMPAinternshipNate?NS:Myinternshipisgreat.ImeanI’mlearningalot.Andallmycoworkersaretreatingmeverynice.It’sgreat
ST:Gee,Ican’twaittillmyMPAinternship!NS:(Grab’sSedgwicksfaceandwhispers)Don’tyousaythat,don’tyoueversaythat.Stayhere,stayaslongasyoucan.Yougottocherishit,fortheloveofgodyouhavetocherishit!
HeyNate!
NateStarrmakeshistriumphantreturntotheTribune
TheSammyTribunewillbeseekinginternsfortheSpringof2010
“I’mveryexcitedtomeetthehandsomeeditor‐in‐chiefoftheSammyTribune!” ‐AlexGreenberg
Tillisisagoodfriend,agreatfriend.HellI’dtakeabulletfortheguyinanon‐lethalarea,buthisrecenteconomicpolicyissomethingIcannotstand.
InthepastSammyspendinghasalwaysexceededbudgetintermsofRush.LastyeartheRushcaptainsborrowed$5,000approximatelyfromnextyearsbudget,asthepreviouscaptainsdidtous.JudgingataKeystoneinflationofapproximately$.25percaneachyear,weareborrowingcontinuouslyplungingthefraternityintodebt.Tillis’platformwasmainlyfocusedonsolvingracialdivisionsamongstJewish/Christianmembers,howeverhiseconomicstrategiesareclearlyatthepre‐Cunninghamlevel.
AsmajoroftheprestigiousEconomicprogramhereatTexas,
therearenumerousotherstrategiesinwhichIbelieveSammy’sfinancialcrisiscanbesolved.BysellingoursubprimedebttosuchfraternitiesasKA,SAEandSigEp,wecaninvestandprofitfromastrongerrushbudgetinwhichotherfraternitieswillreceiveayearlydividendof3gueststoAC.Sammythoughwouldstillretainthesamefinancialplatform,butonlyunderthemanagementofabigfourfrat.
Revigoratingoursocialcalendartomorephilanthropicmeanswillimprovethelifequalityofsuchmembers,allowingthemtobemoreopentoduesandassessmentfeesbeingincreased.MixerswithPhiwillberelocatedfromdowntowntolocalretirementhomesandcommunitycenters,allowingforincreased
educationinvariousseniorbeveragesandallowingSammymembershappinesstoincreaseinthedrunkennessandpussysectors.
Afterthe2010‐2011fiscalyearduringTillis’termiffollowingsucheconomicplans,wewillhaveasurpluswhichcanbereinvigoratedtoanewlyreplenishedmealplanincludinglegitimateHeinzKetchupandMustardandHebrewNationalsausagesandFranks.AlsoSammywillbeabletofiscallycontainandreinvestintothedifferentstocks,yieldsanddividendsapparentinDaddy’sretirementandpensionplan.
IthasbeenknownthroughoutSammythroughgenerationsthatneo‐conservativepriorslikeTillishavesomewhatfalteredineconomicpolicy.Howeverifhisactionscontinuealongthesamepath,wewillbelookingtowardsyetanotherZBTbailoutin2010.
“LehmanBrothers’failureisn’tnearlybadasSammy’sbrothers”
WethoughtwehadlearnedfromtheGreatRushDepressionofJohnEpstein’sclass.HoweverunderTillis’hand,Sammyislookingtowardsanotherbuoyantrecession.
ByShaneGrodin
“Adusk,adawn.Forever,toolate”
Fratitude,transgenderness,lovehateandsquandor. ByRyanMeister
PartI:TheAwakeningYoudon'tfeelanythinginstasissleep.Youdon'tdreameither.Evenbasicbodilyfunctionssuddenlyceasetowork.Itisnotuntiloneisbroughtoutintotheblackmorassoflifethatallthoseactionsbegintoreturn.Irememberthemasweawoke,guidingusforwardonsomepredeterminedpath,showingustheproperwaytotravel.MyfirstmemoryisofLieutenantCorporalEpstein,toweringabovealltheothers,laserpulserifleinonehand,hislivingarmorbondeddirectlyontohisskin.AsheglanceddownIrememberfeelingstrangelyawarethatIwasnaked.Ididnotgoinnaked.Thisraisedsomeverytroublingquestions:wheredidmyclothesgo?Itwasofnoconsequencehowever,assufficientcoveringwasprovidedtousbeforeourtrainingcouldproperlybegin.NextcameforthAdvancedTacticalMarineTillis,hissophisticatedarmorobfuscatinghisface.Insteadofeyes,apiercingredlaserboredintomyskull,asamechanicalvoiceproceededbegantogibberincoherently.Hereachedoutaroboticarmthatendednotinproperfingersbutratheramulti‐prongedappendage,inwhichwasclaspedabottleofsomeevillookingliquid.Suddenlythestreamofmechano‐babblewasbrokenandIheardthewords"Drinkthis,"andsoIcomplied.Idonotremembermuchaftertheevent,butIdoremembermycatatonicandatrophiedbodyhadregainedmuchofitslostvigorandvitality.Irememberseeingforthefirsttimeinages,thefacesofmycomrades.Allofuscouldnotwaitforthebondingprocesstobegin,fortheaugmentationofournaturalformsuntilallthatremainedwasafinelyhonedkillingmachine.Soonallthesepathetichumanbodieswouldbelost,replacedwiththoseofstrongsteelandbio‐mechanicalengineering.Yet,onelasttaskmustbeundertakenbeforewewouldreceiveournewperfectforms:thejudgment.AndsowewereleadintothechambersofHighAdjudicatorKobren,asgrotesqueacreatureaswehaveeverseen.Thecreaturewasinfinitesimalinstature,easilysmallenoughtoberegardedasababe.However,unlikeababethis,dareIsay,"person,"wasshoutinganever‐endingriverofgrotesqueness.Heloungedcasuallyuponasortofcouch,yetthecouchseemedtowritheandgaspasthoughitwerebreathing.Onebyoneweapproachedit,anditwouldslowlyriseandthencircleuspurposefully.Afterafewsecondshewouldhaltandscreamanearcurdlingnoiseasthoughheweresufferingsomehorribleagony.ThenwewereshownawaybyLieutenantCorporalEpsteinandAdvancedTacticalMarineTillis.Wewerethentoldtositandwaitasthenextphaseoftheprocesswouldbeginshortly.Aswestood,upapproachedHighGenetiseerMaman,perhapsthemostcuriousofallthosewhoapproachedus.Ratherthanbeingcoveredbyamassivesuitofarmor,hewasinsteadalitheandthinfigure.Asheapproachedwenoticedthathehadanextrasetofelongatedarmssproutingfromhisback,oneofwhichendedinaneedlelikepoint,andtheotherasortofgnarledclaw.Eachofhiseyesweredifferent;neitherwerehuman.Onewasapulsingwhiteorbthatseemedtoboreintoone'sverysoul,whereastheotherwasaninfernalredsphere,smokingfromsomesortofmaliciousinnerheat.Hiswordswerenotsomuchspokenbutinsteadcameoutinanoddlydistortedandelongatedmanner.HighAdjudicatorKobrenslowlyapproachedhim,andbegantowhisperintohisearwhateveritwasthathesawinallofus.HighGenetiseerMamanwouldnodperiodically,andafterthecreaturefinished,hebeckonedusforth.Andsowefollowed.EndofPartI