transsexuality - help 4 families

8/12/2019 Transsexuality - Help 4 Families

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Denise's Story

My dad was a cross dresser

when I was a child. Thismade me feel veryuncomfortable around himgrowing up. This confusedme with his role of a father inmy childhood. I just wantedhim to be my “dad”.

I learned after his passingthat he was in a homosexualrelationship. This wasanother dilemma for me todeal with. Even though hehad passed on, it seemedlike another chapter of hislife was revealed to me. Ihad questioned this to myselfgrowing up. I never toldanyone about myselfquestioning “if he was gay”.Now the truth was there on

pen and paper.

There are many of us goingthough this situation. Thereare many of us out there.Don't think the GenderIdentify Disorder does notexist or hurt people. It is notas funny as the T.V. programsportray.

I can know what it is likeliving with someone who washurting deep inside with theGender Identity Disorder. Ilived to experience and knowthe emotional pain within myfather and my family.

I found a letter from my dadafter he passed away. Hiswords read "Don't throw meaway". I believe in my heart

I am involved in this out ofrespect and love from thosewords that my dad wrote.

http://help4families.com/?page_id=18

A personal Note

I found a letter written by mydad. This letter had beensent years earlier to me. Ihad refused to accept it. Istill remember standing inthe post office. I stood withthis letter in my hand. I haddecided that I was not goingto read or accept any morecommunication from him. Iasked the postmaster torefuse the letter. You see, I

had always opened my dad'sletters hoping they would tellof his return and desire toget the help he sodesperately needed. I don'tknow if it would havechanged anything or not if Ihad accepted this letter then.The point I am making bysharing it now is, I believe I

am doing now what my dadasked of me in this letter.

Denise,

I know I was not a goodfather. In so many ways Ifailed. But I tried to do what










was right and always seem tomake a mess of everything Iever did. If I could do it allover again I would try muchharder to do better.

Please do not just throw meaway as if I don't exist. Iknow I did you wrong inmany ways. I can not changeit. It took place. I do notremember a lot of things, just like so much of mychildhood.

I tried to show thatsomething was still therewhen I sent your birthdaycard and signed it dad.

God Bless youI do love youDad


Possible causes to

consider

Let’s take a look at the someof the characters that maylead someone into the lifestyle of cross-dressing orsexual reassignment surgery(SRS).

1. Attaches oneself to mom’sworld. Attaches himself toher as the safest place in theworld. Desires to be loved bya man like his mother. Mydad never truly felt loved asa son or accepted by his

father as a man. As he grewolder, his defiance grewdeeper towards his father. Hedetached himself early in lifefrom his father. The family

unit was dysfunctional.Verbal abuse would be thetype of abuse I witnessedbetween my grandfather andmy dad. My dad viewed mygrandfather’s world as aplace he did not want to be.He totally detached himself,feeling that the man worldwas not a safe place for himto be.

2. Feels disconnected fromthe masculine world. My daddid not feel he could connectto the masculine world.When he visited with people,he seemed to be morecomfortable with the woman.He would prefer to talk withthe woman. I noticed this as

a child and thought it wasstrange. I was also surprisedthat no one seemed torecognize this? "Don’t theysee it?" I used to ask myself.I believe my dad felt saferand more accepted in thewoman’s world more than inthe man’s world. It waswhere he felt he could

connect.

3. Does not feel part of themale world and feels out ofplace when in the maleworld. There was a timewhen my mother was in thehospital. This left my dad to








take care of his five childrenand the household choirs. Iremember him being in theliving room, folding laundryon the couch. I was on the

left side of him just watchinghim while he was whistlingfolding the laundry. It waslike he was totally in his ownlittle world of pretend. It waslike he was truly in his glory,taking care of the house as awoman does. He was livinghis dream for a few days.

4. Envious of girls. Envious ofthe way a girl looks. Enviousof the love and attention girlsreceive from males. I trulydespised the way my dadwould comment on how luckyI was to be pretty. I despisedthe way he would look at mybody as I started to developinto a young woman. I hatedthe way he would just stare

at my breast. He was enviousof me being a girl, somethinghe could never be. I hatedbeing a girl around him. As Istarted to date and haveboyfriends over he wouldgive a glare that would goright through you.Sometimes the way hebehaved around my

boyfriends showed hisenviousness of not being agirl going out with a boy. Icould see this in his eyes andfelt all of this growing upwith his attitude.

5. Low self esteem of oneself.

When you don’t feel goodabout yourself and can nevermeasure up to someoneelse’s standards, you arebound to struggle with low

self esteem. My dad went toschool for masonry. He didnot follow through with itlong for a career. He workedfor my grandfather where hewas known for his laziness.Then he tried his ownconstruction business. Nomatter what he did throughlife, he struggled with lowself esteem. How we aretreated by other’s can causelow self esteem. If a child isnot ever praised but onlycomes to know the tearingdown, that child will come tofind a lonely friend known aslow self esteem.

6. Emotional wounds from asearly as childhood. Emotional

or physical wounds that aresuffered are carried with usthrough life. It can become apart of who we are and howwe turn out in life. Ifmolesting takes place it isdevastating to a person. Thewounds are carried with youthrough life. If you aremistreated you can carry

those wounds for the rest ofyour life. My dad's emotionalwounds were carriedthroughout his life and theemotional wounds had adeep seeded root. Perhapsthe root started when mydad was molested as a young



boy. He never shared bywhom. In his last days hewould put his finger up to hislips as if to say "Shhhh"whenever the question was

raised.

The book The Masculine Soulis helpful in understandingwhat happens when “boys”are not lead into “manhood.”Every boy needs a father orfather figure who will lovethem and teach them aboutthe life of being man. Insteadof men teaching their sons tohunt, fish, play sports orwork on cars the young boysare pushed more with mom.Mom’s do the best they can,but ultimately our sons needa man to help lead the way.

I know my dad never felt hecould live up to his father’sexpectations as a man. My

dad gave up early in hisyears to even try. It waseasier for him to escape intohis fantasy world than toreach out for help and to facethe reality of his cross-dressing addiction. When heleft our family he had bagsupon bags of clothingstashed in the garage attic. It

seemed no matter where youwent in our home there washis stash. Isn’t this what wefind with someone who isaddicted to drugs orpornography? The feel gooddrug is hidden for their fix?We had seen with our own

eyes just how much thisaddiction had taken a hold ofhim and had him captive inhis own prison.

A man once said, “If a lie istold long enough it becomesthe truth.” What truth thesewords speak. The enemy willtry to convince us that wereally don’t have a choice.This is the way you wereborn, etc. For those who hearthese false words and tellthemselves over and overagain "I was born this way"really becomes convincedthat they are a female ormale when in truth they arenot. Satan is an opportunist.He will take advantage inevery way possible toenslave someone. His powersare in generating lies. Mypastor recently made thefollowing comment, “When

we find Christ and are bornagain Satan's power is lost,BUT his will is not. We willhave struggles until we reachheaven.”

Choosing your genderidentity can be based onsomeone telling you “You’dmake a good girl” or “You

should have been born agirl.” Hearing those wordscould haunt someone justlike the comments “You'restupid,” “You're ugly,” “You’rea girl” or even “You’re gay.”The words we speak canaffect someone’s self image



of themselves. We oftenunconsciously accept such judgments as the accuratetruth. Other influences canbring a reaction to the soul

and spirit

I have written some of mydad’s writings that I hadfound along with his personalitems after his passing away.You be the judge. Does itsound to you that living thislife is a happy choice ourloved one makes? If yourloved one says he has foundhappiness in being a woman,I say they are deceivingthemselves entirely.

My Heart Aches

My heart aches from mylosses!

From my incompleteness!Is this the way it will be?

I am missing something!Change, change, changeAlways the need to feel

changesMy heart aches from my

losses!Where am I?Who am I?All is loss!

Searching

Search our minds! To becomeourselves!

Don’t recognize, what’sthere!

Don’t recognize, who’s there! Saying, just not possible! For

what has been shown!We Do not focus! Saying its

not so!Yet the search goes on and

on and on!

My dad's heart achedbecause of what he had lost;his inner self and his family.He found incompletenesswith his life as a transsexual.My dad continued to searchfor peace that he neverfound. You can certainly hearpain from his words. Myheart aches to know that mydad was so miserable. Life isso precious. Life is a gift. Toknow a loved one who isliving with such turmoilinside brings you to a hurtingplace for them. As angry andhurt as we become with ourloved one, we truly do notdesire them to be in thismuch pain.

http://www.help4families.com/causes.htm

Definition of Terms

Homosexual One who is attracted to amember of the same genderin erotic, physical andemotional ways. This person

is trying to connect with amember of the same sex inorder to feel complete andfulfilled. The most credibleresearch indicates that this isnot a genetic malady at all,but rather a result ofunresolved childhood







emotional wounds.

Transsexual One who feels they need tobe a member of the opposite

sex. They feel uncomfortablein their God-given genderrole and out of place insociety due to the incongruitybetween their real andperceived sex. They will oftenresort to the ingestion ofhormones of the opposite sexand undergo extensivemutilating surgery in order tofinally feel good aboutthemselves.

Cross-dresser/Transvestite This is the person who likesto dress as a member of theopposite sex in order toachieve a sexual high andtemporary “feel-good.” Thisperson is not one who wants

to live full-time in the role ofthe opposite sex. It is farmore prevalent in men thanwomen.

Drag Queen One who dresses andemulates women in order toget men’s attention. Theydon’t desire a sex change.

SRS/GRS

Sexual reassignmentsurgery/gender reassignmentsurgery is the act of havingsurgery to change the sexualidentity.

The Pain

As a family member, you willfind all sorts of questionsgoing through your mind and

heart. Sometimes you willquestion yourself about whatyou might have done tocause this to happen to yourloved one. You may askyourself the followingquestions… Where did I gowrong? How can I fix this?Where do I go for help? Whowill truly understand what Iam going through? Who do Itrust? Why me? Why myloved one?

You may fear gossip and findyourself avoiding those whomay ask about your lovedone. The shame and fear youfeel can leave you believingthat you must bear thisheavy burden alone. You

grieve in silence.

You may begin to questionhow you feel on the issueyou are facing, now that youhave a loved one involved.You may feel lost,overwhelmed, angry,rejected, guilty, isolated, anddepressed. In some ways, it

will feel as if there has beena “death” in the family butwith no funeral; nocompletion. The hurt goes onfrom one moment to thenext. There is a mourningprocess that takes place forall of us who have seen



husbands, fathers, sons,brothers, and grandfathersleave our family units as aresult of the painful choicethey have made; a mourning

process with no closure.

Somehow, you have to pickup the pieces and go on withlife. You will miss the personyou once knew and had inyour home but you must nowacknowledge that this lovedone has chosen a radicalchange.

No matter what religious,moral, or political beliefs youhold, you could find yourselfin a position of having to dealwith, and understand,Gender Identity Disorder or,gender-dysphoria, as it issometimes called. When Ifirst found out about myfather, I remained quiet and

hidden. That was my choicefor 30 years.

I didn't know who to trustand so I trusted no one. Ibore my spiritual andemotional burden alone. Ifelt sometimes as if I weredrained of life. As a little girl,I saw my world through my

Mom's eyes. She thought theworld would hurt us if thetruth were known. I followedher example and remainedisolated and alone.

I know better now. Be wiseand find someone you can

trust. There are people youcan seek out: a Pastor,Christian counselor, supportgroup, online support group,friend, or relative.

As a little girl, I thoughtmaybe I was causing myfather to feel this way. Iwould spend time trying tothink of ways to fix him. Ithought if I was good, if aday could go by without himgetting angry at me, if I justshowed love to him, thenmaybe I could fix things andmake my father into a happyfather-man. It has been alengthy process for me toovercome this feeling ofresponsibility I have carriedsince childhood. I alsocarried a huge weight for mysiblings, particularly, mybrothers. They were mybrothers, born male, and I

did not want them to beginto question their genderbecause of what our fatherdid.

I came to realize that fixingmy father was not in mypower. It would take God'spower. But first, my fatherwould have to surrender his

will and seek Christ's help.

This is an important conceptto remember. Your familymember is the only one whocan decide to ask for help inrecovery. I would not be sobold as to give anyone a



recipe for how this shouldhappen. Even after myexperience, I do notunderstand just what it isthat needs to happen within

a particular person for themto reach out for help. Whatmakes an alcoholic or a drug-abuser seek help?

If you have a parent whosuffers with gender-identitydisorder, don't be surprised ifyou, too, question who youwere born to be. I questionedmyself if I was born thewrong gender. I alsowondered if my father hadhomosexual feelings, did thatmean that I could.

Children are particularlyvulnerable to struggles iftheir father cross-dresses oris a transsexual. They willhave trouble with friendships.

Who wants friends who maycome home with them afterschool and find their fatherdressed as a woman? Or whowould want friends over for asleep-over? The child will feelsafer if there is no chance ofany of his peers finding out.

The person who tells their

loved ones that they aregoing to have sex-changesurgery is showing their trueself-centeredness. They areputting themselves first andsaying, “This is what I want!”They have left everyone elsein order to satisfy their own

desire. The family is nolonger number one. Little orno thought has been given tothe long-term effects this willhave on everyone in the

family.

http://www.help4families.com/pain.htm

You are not alone

Through the e-mails I'vereceived and theconversations I have hadwith family members, I try toencourage them withunderstanding and love. Theyare traveling a road whosepath is uncertain. I learnedthrough my life experiencethat this road is long andpainful. The correspondencewith people remind me of thefact that there are others outthere who know and hurt in

the same way and there areothers dealing with theseissues. As I started theministry Help 4 Families Ifound peace in the words"You Are Not Alone." I feltalone from the very day myfather told me aboutpersonal struggles and upuntil the day of his death. I

had no one to confide in ortalk to. That can be such alonely and scary place. Iwant others to know that"You Are NOT Alone". Thereare others who struggle withthe same issues you arehaving to face.







Other family voices andexperiences are shared toencourage you that you arenot alone and there are

others who are facing thissame kind of crisis. Here aresome other voices sharingtheir pain and agony……. My father has turned tocross-dressing to feel like awoman. This concerns mebecause of futuregrandchildren. He has nottruly considered anyramifications from his choice.

My dad had just received hisnew driver’s license with a “corrected gender.” Every oneknows of his full intention tohave sex reverse surgery.Our government goes alongwith it just like society. He just wants me to go alongwith it and I can’t. It kills me

inside when I see him alldressed up as a woman andearrings to top it off. It feelslike a dagger in my heart.

My teenage son was recentlycaught cross-dressing in hisbedroom. I found panties,bras, teddies. I am not surewhere to go in order to help

him.

I am unable to escape thetruth about my dad. I wantpeople to pray for my dad. Ifelt angry as dad’sselfishness seems to be allthat he cares about. How do

you tell your children thattheir grandpa is now agrandma? I cannot seemyself seeing him againwhen he is wearing women’s

clothing, earrings and makeup to top it off.

I learned at the age of 14that my dad cross-dressed.My mom wanted me to knowthe truth. I’m now in my20’s. I’m glad she did tell mesooner in life. My dadbelieves that going throughthe operation is the only wayhe can cure his pain. Ibelieve it is a temporary fixuntil life stares him in theeyes again and he realizesthe pain still exists.

I have been married for 26years. I have hid a darkhurtful secret. I am justabout through with this

whole hurtful mess. Irecently learned aboutsomeone else who shares thepain of having a cross-dresser for a husband.

Our son just told us he wasgender dysphoric and he wastaking hormones to becomea woman. He is walking down

a scary path. Some of ourclose friends are supportingour son and that hurts. Theyhave no idea of where thiswill lead him.

I pray every day that Godwill heal my brother. I feel



like I’m slowly dying. I don’tshow it from the outside butmy inside is hurting. I try toblock it out. I’m so confused.

This would kill my mom ifshe knew about my brother.My brother said this is noone's business but his. Idon’t want kids any more. Iam scared of how they willturn out after living this withmy brother.

My son just turned 17. Hisfriends have encouraged himto believe he is a girl. Itstarted with him shaving hislegs. My son is wearing skirtsand a padded bra to school.How could this behappening? It is like an evilpersonality has taken overhim. The people whoencouraged him seem to bein control of him.

My brother is a born againChristian. He just shared withme that he is going tochange his sex. He does notlisten to me because, likeyour father, he found achurch and friends whosupport his lifestyle. I am soangry that he would do this.

I cry for him because of thechoice he has made. Heknows better.

My brother is 40 and believeshe is a woman and he isdifferent then transsexuals.My brother claims his desire

to be a woman was inborn.He wants me to pretend he ismy sister and go shoppingtogether as two girls. I can’tdo this. I have a daughter

and I’m concerned of theeffect this will have on her.How do I tell my daughtershe now has an aunt insteadof an uncle?

My husband recently sharedwith me that he was going tomake an announcement thatwould impact our children’ slives and I would need to bethere for the kids. He sharedthat he had been seeing apsychiatrist and both of themwere convinced that heshould have been a woman.One of my children toldpeople that her dad wasdead. Another child began todrink. This has impactedtheir lives in one way or

another. My daughter sharedthat she and her brothercan't believe how lightly thissubject is treated on talkshows. You never see thisside of it.

My son just shared that he isgoing to have sex reversesurgery in September. He

never had femininecharacteristics. We cannotsupport his decision. Myheart aches for him and fewpeople understand what thisis like when it touches yourfamily.



I have noticed that mynephew likes to play with girlstuff. He does not care aboutanything that would relate tothe boy world. I am very

concerned that this may notbe a "phase" he is goingthrough.

My father is 38 years old andbelieves he wants a sexchange. We are shocked bythis. He has never showedany feminine attitudes orcharacteristics. We have triedto talk to him. My father isgoing for electrolysis of somekind. I am scared to deathfor him and I cannot supportthis decision. My heart isbreaking in half.

My ex-husband announcedon an important family daythat he was going to becomea woman. One of our

daughters has started todrink heavily and our otherchild has started to pop pillsto numb her feelings. Wecannot believe how lightlythis subject is treated on talkshows. I am left to deal withhis fall out with life becauseof what this is doing to ourchildren.

I have a 32 year old son. Hetold us he was genderdysphoric and was takinghormones to become female.He has legally changed hisname. As parents, this isscary to watch happening to

your child.

I find there are days where Ibreak down and cryhysterically because my

husband’s desires of being awoman hurt others and it isgoing to hurt my kidsimmensely.

My brother is a born againChristian. He told me he isgoing to change his sex. Idon’t understand how aChristian can do this. I toldhim I don’t agree with hischoice. He always wants todebate the issue with me. Ihave cried so much. It is likemy heart has been torn inhalf.

My son just turned 17. Myson’s friends haveencouraged him that he is agirl. He rejects me. He treats

me with contempt. It startedwith him shaving his legs lastsummer. He left the housetoday as a flamboyantly-dressed female and appearsto be wearing a padded bra.It is like an evil personality ofa girl called Barb has takeover a loving, good youngman.

I am trying to come to termson how my role as myfather’s son will change. Hewants to live his fantasy lifeas a woman. He does notrealize the effect this willhave on his grandchildren.



How do you explainsomething like this tochildren? A family membermentioned that there is asupport group for family

members of transsexualpeople. But I don’t agreewith their theory oracceptance of this. I don’tknow who he is anymore.

When I came home fromschool today my dad was in adress. I was so embarrassed.He wants me to accept thischange. I feel like I’ve lostmy dad. I wonder how he willcome dressed at mywedding.

http://www.help4families.com/alone.htm

Finding peace with

ourselves

No matter what might begoing on around us, we mustfind a place of peace withinourselves. We don't likeconflict or hurt feelings. Yet,in reality, conflict and hurtfeelings are a fact of life. Wecannot always avoid hurtingthose around us. However, itis what we do with the hurts

and trials that can make usor break us.

As you face the reality ofsomeone close to you dealingwith a gender-identityproblem, you can be surethat either you or someone

else will say something thatis hurtful, argumentative, ormisunderstood. You do notwant to add any more hurt tothe life of your loved one but

you are faced with twochoices: you can go alongwith what your loved one isdoing no matter how much ithurts you inside, or, you canspeak your heart, taking thechance that you will not beheard or that you may hurtthe listener. From my ownexperience, I encourage youto speak out what you knowto be true. Do not say onething and mean the other.This can cause more damagethan you might imagine.Stand firm on what youbelieve.

One Sunday morning, myminister used the wordadmonishing. He told us this

word can be described as “Someone giving youscripture that shows howyour life is not lined up withhow God would have youlive.” My pastor continuedsaying that admonishing isnot a "one time shot." Heencouraged us to bepersistent.

So what does that say to usin talking with familymembers involved withgender-identity issues? It notonly says that we should lineup the behavior of our lovedone with what the Bible







teaches but we must alsospeak the truth to them INLOVE. Only you can decidehow that will work in yoursituation. Sometimes, you

may lose all contact and suchpersistence will beimpossible. In my situation, Ilived with this issue for 29years. I did have theopportunity to voice myloving concern manydifferent times right up to thetime of my dad's death. Inever backed down fromwhere I stood but when Ispoke to my dad, I wasloving and caring. You mustput away mean and viciouswords even when you'rehurting within yourself.Choose your times to talkand then talk.

My prayer for my dad isfound in Colossians 1:9. "For

this reason, since the day weheard of you, we have notstopped praying for you andasking God to fill you withthe knowledge of His willthrough all spiritual wisdomand understanding."

This prayer for my dadcontinues to be my prayer for

all the families going throughtrials and conflicts in theirlives.

When someone is hurting,you may say, "I'll be prayingfor you," or you may go toothers when you're in

distress and ask them tokeep you in their prayers.Prayer is an awesome tool wecan, and should, use. James5:13 says, "Is any one of you

in trouble? He should pray."God is waiting to come close;to hear your hurts andneeds; to provide comfortand peace. He wants us totalk to Him. Prayer can giveyou strength to carry on. Itcan remind you that you'renot alone. It can give youhope for tomorrow. James4:10 reads, "Humbleyourselves before the Lord,and He will lift you up."

What about forgiveness? It ishard to forgive someonewhen they have caused somuch hurt, pain and stress.However, the Biblecommands us to forgive.Forgiveness is "letting go or

setting aside." Being able toforgive will strengthen yourown well-being. Let go of themind-set that says the otherperson must suffer and behurt. Personally, I foundmyself in this vicious cyclefor much too long. I thoughtthat if I forgave my father, Iwould have to give up the

idea of getting back at him.After 29 years, I have finallyfound the freedom thatcomes with being able toforgive. I wish it hadhappened much sooner. OnceI gave up what I thought wasmy right to anger and



retaliation, God began toheal me in wondrous ways.For each of us, this is apersonal choice. It is myprayer that you do not have

to wait twenty-nine years tofeel the freedom that comeswith forgiveness.

Take one day at a time. Facethe reality ahead of you. Lifehas changed. Believe thatyou can get through this veryrough time in your life. Youcannot change yourcircumstances, but you canchange the way you dealwith them. Avoid isolation. Iwitnessed the consequencesof isolation in the life of mydear mother. Isolation is darkand unhealthy. Find asupport system that worksfor you, allowing you thenormalcy of a time of griefand anger but also

encouraging you to movebeyond those emotions to atime of increasing peace andhope.

http://www.help4families.com/peace.htm

teen links

A young man had contactedme in regards to my book “My Daddy’s Secret”.Through many discussionswith him, I had invited himto work with me on a youthlink that would hopefullybring encouragement to the

youth who may be facing aparent whose gender haschanged.

This section has been

dedicated to the youngpeople who are searching fortheir own answers whenfacing the issue of dad ormom changing their genderby surgery. This can be adevastating and life changingexperience for anyone. Theyouth deserve a specialsection that they can connectto with encouragement.

There are a lot of questionsthat you may be askingyourself. It is important tofigure out how you feel andhow you are going to dealwith your emotional pain,uncertainty and/or confusionthat has impacted your lifewith your parent’s gender

change.

You are probably askingyourself “What has justhappened to my family?”There are many emotionsthat you may find yourselfstruggling with, such as;shock, rejection, grief,sadness, anger, resentment,

isolation and denial. This isnormal. But, remember it isbest for you to deal with anyfeelings and thoughts thatyou may have difficulty with.Stuffing your emotions downin will not make it go away ormake it easier to deal with in







the end.

Hope is what we need toreplace our hopelessness anddespair with. You matter to

Christ and he has the powerto help you get beyond theplace you are. Hebrews 6:19This hope we have as ananchor of the soul, a hopeboth secure and steadfastand one which enters withinthe veil.

Please remember thesensitivity to these issuesand area’s of your life thatthis is impacted. If you feelyou need a counselor, pleasespeak to someone and letthem know of your need todo so.

1. Know you are NOTalone!

2. Talk to someone you

can trust. Finding someoneyou can trust allows you tofeel more comfortable inreleasing your true thoughtsand feelings. Be honest tothe individual you trust.Honesty will help you withyour individual healing.

3. Do not feel pressuredby yourself or others that

your pain or emptiness iswrong or selfish. What youfeel is real and does matter.It is important for you toknow that what you feelcounts.

4. Know that drugs,alcohol, eating disorders, self

mutilating and sexualexperiences will not help youto successfully deal with yourpain. It will only medicateyour pain for a period of time

and possibly affect you withan addiction by running in tothese type of methods. Thiswould only harm you andbring negative consequences.

5. It is so important toremember this is not yourfault. Do NOT blame yourselffor what has happened or “think” that you arepersonally responsible foryour parent’s change.

6. Know that you are anindividual, separate fromyour parent. There maytimes that you wonder if youwill be effected by genderidentity because of having aparent who struggles ordecides to change theiridentity. The important thing

to remember is that you areindeed an individual.

7. If you are questioningyourself and wondering if youwill to have this strugglebecause of your parent. Justremember not all boys/menare manly. Some men areartistic. Some men are moregentle then others and don’t

fit the macho mold. Thesetraits do not make anyoneless of a man. Some womendon’t enjoy cooking or thetraditional “girl” role, butconnects to guy hobbies.Again, those traits do not



make anyone less ofgirl/woman.

8. Build yourself up bybeing who you are as anindividual. You are special

despite what you may thinkor how you may feel aboutyourself during this roughtime. Build yourself up bybeing who you are.

9. Never give up on yourown healing. Alwaysremember one day at a time!

10. Psalm 31:22In my alarm I said, "I am cutoff from your sight!" Yet youheard my cry for mercy whenI called to you for help.

The child is supposed to beloved and cared for. It is notyour fault if you feel youhave not received the loveyou need. A parent’s role isto protect and nurture their

child. Parents are supposedto give you support andunderstanding for anyhardships you may comeacross. Instead parents wantyou to give themappreciation for desertingyou to follow their desiresand dreams. Remember thatit is not your fault if your

parent had not taken care ofyour needs. Try to separatetheir problems from yourselfand know that it is not yourfault.(Anthony 16 yrs old)

Dedicated to Anthony (16

yrs. old) and Zackary

http://www.help4families.com/teen_links.htm

To The Churches

Gender Identity Disorder orSame Sex Attraction hasmany people questioningthemselves: Was I born inthe wrong body? Am Ihomosexual?

What is the church'sresponse?

As we look around our worldwe can’t help but notice theconfusion people live in.These difficult issues arereal. The people and familiesdealing with these issues arereal and hurting. It is not justadults who are confusedabout themselves. Our

children are on the list ofthose who are struggling.Take a moment to ponder theeffects our world is having onindividuals who are ourfriends, neighbors, or lovedones, perhaps even theperson standing beside youin church.

We can be a light in today’s

world. A helping hand in darkand difficult times to thosewho are waiting for someoneto reach out to them. If thechurch is the body of Christwhy aren’t we reaching outto others in need?







Jesus loves everyone. God’sword alone has the power tochange every one of us,

including those who suffertransgender and same sexattraction issues.

To enable us to reach thoseand their family members weneed to first go to our kneesin prayer and seek Godswisdom.

We pray that the links on theleft will help as you learnhow to reach out.

And all things you ask inprayer, believing, you shallreceive.- Matthew 21:22

http://www.help4families.com/churches.htm

For the wife

Help, My husband wearswomen’s clothing (written by a wife)

What the wife needs:

1. Prayer. This of course isthe standard answer in the

church, but this is also thebest place to start. See thatshe has a strong womanprayer warrior who will praywith her on a regular basis.

2. Counseling. A counselor

with a Christian world view,who is familiar withcounseling homosexuals andtheir families and whobelieves strongly that

homosexuality can beovercome, is a good place tostart. Christian counselorsexperienced in co-dependency, especially forsexual addictions is anotherexcellent point.

3. Encourage her to remainwith her husband, especiallyif her husband is willing toget help but prepare her toleave. The husband has to bethe one to decide to get well.Encourage her to find a parttime job to prepare forpossible reentry into thework world if she is a stay athome mom. Help her findchild car and also time forher to spend with her

children. Mothers with smallchildren might want toconsider working in adaycare situation where theycan keep small children withthem. Help her find aChristian family lawyer whocan guide her through thisprocess with prayer, graceand hope. If a trial becomes

necessary, have someonefrom the church go with her.

4. Help the wife seek outothers in her situation. Whilethis kind of situation isbecoming more and morecommon, it is still rare







enough that she’s not goingto quickly find other womennear by who are goingthrough this. The internetcan provide a group that will

be supportive andencouraging to her. Help herto be discerning and carefulwith the online group shechooses.

5. No matter what youropinion about her husband’sbehavior, remember that thewife is hurting and scared.She needs your love andcompassion. She is not goingto heal her husband by beinga better wife. Healingbelongs in the hands of herhusband and God.

What do you say to a womanwho comes to the church andsays that her husband cross-dresses or wants to be a

woman? In a world whereright is wrong and wrong isright, the church isconfronted with a variety ofissues that often are not asblack and white as they were just one generation ago.What do you say to a womanwho has the media andscience telling her that she

needs to accept that herhusband is a woman trappedin a man’s body. There ishope of healing for both thewife and the husband. Thehope comes not in acceptinguntruths, but embracingChrist and loving both the

husband and his wife in oftentough but tangible ways.

http://www.help4families.com/for_wives.htm

For Parents

A Mother’s surrender of anadult child with GenderIdentity Disorder

My child is wayward andconfused. No matter what Itry to say to him, heresponds with bitterness andmalice

My heart is broken, my soulweary, I have done all that Icould but he still will notlisten and see the truthclearly

The stress that he hascaused through refusing toget well has been like aweight around my neck that Ihave been holding

No more preaching, no morefights now, not even ascolding

For I have come to a placewhere there is no otheroption

I must give my child up tohis Father for Adoption







His father Loves him morethan anyone in the world

He chose him to be His sonnot a daughter, not a girl

He chose him before he waseven in my womb

For him to live and not to diethat is why his father bledand died for him and wasraised out of the tomb

His father loves him verymuch and is pleased with HISSELECTION

I know that when I give myson up, His father will keephim under His protection

So, Father God, Lord Jesus, Ihave done all that I couldand I cannot do anymore

I am tired and weary andthere is no other way, thebest thing that I can do nowis give him to you and tocontinue to pray

Please take your son andhedge him in the way onlyyou can do

Make things for him rough,because your Love is tough,give him no slack

God corrects the ones Heloves in order to bring themback

Keep your hand of correctionupon him, take him underyour wing until his blind eyesare open to the truth

Remember Father yourpromise that in the last daysyou will pour out your spiriton our youth

So, today I have to sayGoodbye for now, trustingyou, Lord, no more worries,no more fears

I need you to help me tomove forward and wipe awaymy tears

I hope that you will deliverhim now and it will not takeanother seven years

Lord, my hope is in you andno otherI thank you in advance for

answering my prayers as hismother

Written by Lily

Year 2009.

http://www.help4families.com/parents.htm

homosexuality

"The old Puritan idea that thedevil tempts men had this

remarkable effect, it produced the man of iron

who fought; the modern idea

of blaming his heredity or his







circumstances produces the

man who succumbs at once."(Oswald Chambers, "My

Utmost for His Highest," p127).

*****

You are not going to findhere an adversarial attemptto demean or lessen anyone’sviews regarding the presentcultural & highly politicizedpro-gay movement. Nor willyou find any attempt todiscredit any human being’ sinestimable worth, which isnot influenced or negated byhis or her particularpersuasion regarding one’ssexual identity.

This entire website isdevoted to those who findtheir present state of affairsin tremendous inner turmoil

because of their naturalinclination to engage inbehaviors that are notpleasing to themselves. Theattempts to prove the “rightness” or “wrongness” or “causes” for same-sexpreferences is only anattempt at best, for the juryis still out! And there are notclear-cut, unbiased reasonsfor or against the behavioralconditions contributing tothese conditions.

We do not pretend to knowthe definitive answers. Weonly want to make clear our

position is that today’s “political climate” cannot bethe final answer. We feel thateveryone is to be free to livetheir life as they want, which

gives lots of latitude to thepro-gay or the pro-straightmovement. “Live and let live”is an appropriate appeal fromeither position. We are nottrying to condemn or criticizeanyone for their life-choices;we are attempting tounderstand what makes us “tick” and what, if anything,can be done to help thosewho yet proclaim theirinalienable right to live asfree-willed humans, who canyet make a choice on howthey are to live.

There seems to bedifferences & similaritiesinherent in the life of theHomosexual and Trans-

Gender person.

Homosexualit

y

Transsexua

lity

1. Poorlydevelopedrelations withsame-sexparent and

peers

1. Remainsattachedemotionally,if notliterally, to

Mom's softand verysafe world.

2. Deep-seatedEnvy of Menandoverwhelming

2. Deep-seated envyof girls: "Iwant to have



desire to looklike, or havetheir physicalattributes. "Iwant to have

hisexperience."

herexperience."

3. A self-protective pulltowards thenurturingmother; awayfrom thedistant, angry,unattractive,

uninvolvedfather.

3.Disengagedfrom themale world &feels out ofplacethere...andself-

protectivelyfinds hissolace inbecoming just likeMom &females bywearingclothing &adoptingmannerismsDress, anddesires offemales.

4. An idolatryof becomingidentified with ‘Mr. Right," whowill make allthings better.

4. Anidolatry of"Ms.Perfect," &her roles.

5. The "sissy

syndrome"...feeling verydifferent frommen & morelike Mom & hersafe, nurturingworld/clothes.

5. Becomes

moreidentifiedwith theFemale'sworld & allthatsymbolizes

Her....clothing,mannerisms,speech,roles,

interests,charm, easylife.

6. Deep-seateddeparture fromthe threateningmasculine;desire to belike men, butfeels very

different.

6. Feelstotallydisconnectedin his heartfrommasculineworld with

chronicreturns towhat mostsymbolizesher.

MOMMY & ME

"Bonding takes place when

the Mother responds to the

needs of the child, the needsfor closeness, for being held,for food, and for changing.

As a baby experiences needsand the mother's positive

response to those needs, heor she begins to internalize,

or take in, an emotional picture of a loving, constant

mother. They think, ‘Mommyand me are the same.'

It's sometimes calledsymbiosis, a sort of

‘swimming in closeness,' withmother. This symbiotic union

is the reason babies panicwhen mother isn't around.



No one can comfort them but

their mother."(Boundaries, p. 65., by

Townsend & Cloud)

“GOD MADE ME THIS WAY”

Science has become the finalword for our present culturalclimate. That being the case,why do the professionals feelthe need to foster lies drawnfrom bogus studies to back

them up?

"God made you that

way...so enjoy your true selfand have a party!"

As much as I have tried toalign my own thinking to that

of the popular-politically-correct press, the fact

remains, “There are to dateonly hypothesis that would

support the notion that

homosexuality ortranssexuality are caused by

a genetic connection.”(Consult with NARTH, a

national coalition ofprofessionally licensed

psychiatrists andpsychologists, who have

made no verifiableconnection between genetics

and these two conditions.And they themselves still

refer to these as “disorders.”)

GENETIC ARGUMENTS =POOR SCIENCE

One of the most influential

forerunners of the presentmisinformation-generationtried to prove a genetical

link-up was Dr. Simon LeVay;who undertook to prove such

was the case, using his ownlife’s experience as his main

verification, which werenothing less that his own

pre-conceived notions, (nottrue science!)

"I will prove thathomosexuality is an inborn

genetical condition, or I willleave science altogether."

Does this opening statementsound like unbiased scientificinquiry to you? The facts arethat he had just lost his gay

lover to death, a deathcaused by AIDS...and was

desperately trying to explainor justify his own sexualidentity confusion, by a

creating a hoax. Think thisthrough and you will have toagree this was and remainsat its best, "poor-science."

He later had to confess thathis study was indeed a hoax,an attempt to persuade anunsuspecting public & naivemedical community that itwas caused by an in-born

gene, thereby directly causedby God.

Hence, how can anyoneargue with that?

"If God did it, then why



should we resist it? In fact,consider it a lovely gift from

the Creator."

The highly-oiled political

machinery duped the medicalcommunity and the

unsuspecting world by thisdeceptive ploy, this hoax.

However, after the medicalcommunity caught on to his

deceptions and thegovernment seized his so-called “ground-breakinginvestigative studies,” itbecame evident he was

committing a devious, self-serving fraud. They then

informed him that he'd bestrecant his position, or be

sued for "scientificmisconduct." (note: you do

the research ; theincriminating evidence is

abundant).

OOPS!...MADE A MISTAKE !

Dr. Levay then proclaimed inhis biography, "It is

important to stress what Ididn't find. I did not prove

that homosexuality is

genetic, or find a geneticcause for being gay. I didn't

show that gay men are ‘bornthat way' ... the most

common mistake peoplemake in interpreting my

work. Nor did I locate a ‘gaycenter in the brain - INAH3 is

less likely to be the sole gaynucleus of the part of the

chain of nuclei in men and

women's sexual behavior." (Judith Graham, ed., CurrentBiography Yearbook, 1996,

New York,NY: The HW Wilson

Co., 1996), 301.)

FOUNDATIONAL DECEPTION

Eric Pollard, a leading gayactivist, back in some of thefoundational years for gaypolitical activism counteredany notions that would not

support the altered scientificconclusions. He insisted that

a naive world-populouswould blindly accept and fallfor the intentional, deceptive

ploy of the self-serving,politically-savvy gay activists.In The Washington Blade, amajor pro-gay Newspaper,

Eric, a leading contributor ofthe “Act Up Organization”

wrote:

"I and the others within our politically active Gay Rights

group have learned to applysubversive tactics to

accomplish our ends, usingany means necessary,

drawing our tactics and

strategy chiefly from thevoluminous Mein Kampf,

which we have studiedthoroughly as a working

model."(P. 137, The Washington

Blade, 1987).

TRANSSEXUALISM



”A condition in which onefeels inwardly incongruent in

his/her God-given genderidentity, or role. Eventualattempts are most likely

made to "correct theanatomical mistake" throughincreasing episodes of cross-

dressing, opposite genderhormone ingestion, and

eventual Sex ReassignmentSurgery (SRS); which

constitutes the elimination ofthe obvious anatomical

appendages that define one agirl or a boy, mainly the

breasts in females, or gonadsand penis of the male. Themale will typically undergo

bilateral breastaugmentation, as well as thesurgical creation of a pseudo

vaginal opening, which isnothing more than a

surgically devised hole whichdoesn't communicate with

any of the internal organs.Women will often opt for thesurgical creation of a pumpoperated pseudo-phallus, to

enable her to have sex with awoman.”

TRANSSEXUAL icon of the

70's - RENEE RICHARDS

Dr. Renee Richards finallydisclosed "her" privatethoughts regarding sex

change. Remember that thisman-turned-woman used tobe the poster-child for thetranssexual agenda; but is

now written off as a deluded

failure, one who should nothave had the surgery at all.

"I wish that there could havebeen an alternative way, but

there wasn't back in 1975. Ifthere was a drug that I could

have taken that would havereduced the pressure, I

would have been better offstaying the way I was – as a

totally intact person. I know

deep down that I'm asecond-class woman. I get a

lot of inquiries from would-betranssexuals, but I don't

want anyone to hold me outas an example to follow.

Today there are betterchoices, including

medication, for dealing withthe compulsion to cross-

dress and the depressionthat comes from gender-

confusion. As far as beingfulfilled as a woman, I'm not

as fulfilled as I dreamed ofbeing. I get a lot of letters

from people who are

considering having thisoperation ... and I discourage

them all. You'd be bettergetting on some medications

...or get locked up or dowhatever it takes to keep

you from being allowed to dosomething like it."

(Tennis Magazine, March,1999, "The Liason Legacy," p

31).

HOMOSEXUALITY &TRANSSEXUALITY



The question that is oftenposed about same-sex-

attractions is, "Is it a sin?"The answer to that is so welldefined by what Bill Johnson

wrote:

IS THIS A SIN?

"It's easy to latch onto arating system or some set ofrules that will make it clear

what we will and won't do asa Christian. But no rating

system can replace a heartthat wants to please God. Ifwe're to honor God with ourchoices, we must be willingto carefully scrutinize andevaluate how what we doattests to our love for and

obedience to God. We mustbe willing to wrestle with ourstandards and often refuse to

engage in behaviors thatothers think is permissible, if

not God's permissive will.

When he was in college, thefamous evangelist John

Wesley wrote a letter to hismother asking her to give

him a clear description of sin.Sounds like he wanted a listof do's and don'ts. But Mrs.

Wesley didn't give John whathe wanted. She gave himsomething much better. In

response, she wrote:

"Take this rule: whateverweakens your reason,

impairs the tenderness ofyour conscience, obscures

your sense of God, or takes

off the relish of spiritualthings; in short, whatever

increases the strength andauthority of your body over

your mind, that thing is sinto you, however innocent it

may seem to be in itself. Itdoesn't matter how others

feel about it; or how popularit is, or how seemingly

innocent it appears. If it

hardens your heart towardGod, if it obscures your

awareness of the ugliness of

sin and the holiness of God,

if it takes the edge off yourspiritual hunger, then it's

sin." (Taken from "Not Even aHint: Guarding your heartagainst lust," by Joshua

Harris, Multnomah, 2003).

CONCLUSION:

Be sure to obtain the manyresources particularlyaddressing Same-SexAttractions which are

available at the followingthirty-one year old Christian

organization:

EXODUS NORTH AMERICA

This thirty year oldinternational outreach hasmany more written and

printed resources available.Contact them at:

EXODUS



PO Box 540119

Orlando, FL., 32854

888-264-0877

www.exodus.to

http://www.help4families.com/homosexuality.htm

Becky's testimony

Coincidentally I'm calledBecky, & often-just Beck. Iwas born male suffering from

acute shyness &severe inferiority complexesfrom an earlyage. Somewhere in this timeI began cross-dressing in mymother's clothes literally inclosets. I wanted todate girls, get married andhave children but myshyness & self-hatred

prevented me from everbeing able to find awife/partner. Ialways feared hurting a wifeand children as your owntestimonial confirms myfears. Like most Trans folks Ibought into the deception Iwas a member ofthe opposite sex trapped inthe wrong body. I am 54

years old, having changedmy name in the early 90's toRebecca Jean. Ihave had irreversible sexreassignment surgery(creation of a "neovagina"including castration) in

1997. My own thankfully nottoo large breasts are a resultof many years taking HRT(estrogen) and mustcontinue taking congregated

estrogen for the remainder ofmy physical life on this earth.Here in Canada I amdesignated female on alllegal documentation. I live alonely and celibate (chaste)life for most of my years esp.I don't have thesame physical temptationspost operatively.

Over the last few years Ihave been coming to knowGod on my own. I have cometo realize the absolute truth;I am as God had originallycreated me. I am learning ofGod's Righteous Judgment ofwhich both this sinning Godhating world and myselfrightly deserve. I’m also

beginning to understandGod's Grace throughthe shed blood of our LordJesus Christ on the cross formy sins; becoming a kind of"Christian Secret Agent"though daily reading &studying Bible passages,daily devotionals,viewing certain internetwebsites, such as SO4J.com,Westboro Baptist Church, &other internet teachers,written internet resourcessuch as Web Bible/BibleGateway, & listening to XM170 Family Talk. (esp. BibleAnswer Man & XM 34

http://www.exodus.to/





http://www.exodus.to/



Enlighten Southern Gospel).I have only recently begun toshare my faith with anyoneliterally apart from writingExodus, & the much

hated Westboro BaptistChurch of which I haveadopted a strange affectionfor "fire and brimstone"Calvinistic preaching. Iattended a local GraceCommunity Church for thefirst time only last week,tomorrow (Sun Jul 18/10)will be my second visit. I'mstill so scared of othersfinding out about beingrejected and me. I seemyself suffering as similar topoor Job; struggling in myflesh, feeling at times castdown, in shame &everlastingguilt; condemned to hell withDeut.22: 5 & Deut 23:1-2,Gen 19,Lev. 18:22 & 20:13& sexual sins of 1 Cor 6:9-20

& Romans 1:18-32 I feel it ofutmost importance to sharemy story with you and ask ifI might be allowed to prayfor you & the others in yourHelp4 families organization inmy Daily Confession of Faithto the Lord thy God.

http://www.help4families.com/beckys_testimony.htm

Daniel Jones

Testimony – Songartist of “Love the

Lost”

God is the only reason I exist

and it is for His glory Iperform the songs Heinspires me to write. I couldtell you about all the musicalaccomplishments I have

achieved and the manysuccesses I have had in life,but I would rather tell youabout how my God took meand molded me after His will.How He never gave up onme, and was faithful torescue me and bring me backto Him. I was raised in ruralArkansas, an unwanted child;told by my mother at the ageof two and I was supposed toof been a girl since shealready had two boys. I grewup angry, depressed, and across dressing adolescent. Ireceived a guitar as a giftwhen I was given a found anescape from the reality of theworld. At age twelve I beganwriting songs and playing the

tuba in my school band. Ifound an old violin in a closetand taught myself to playthat. Eventually I went on tobecome an All-State musicianand a full blown, teenagealcoholic. When I was twenty,Jesus sought me. I married,and joined the Air Force, andearned a degree in business

from the University ofArkansas. I pursued the goodlife as a battle within meraged. Always seeking mymother’s acceptance andharboring anger anddepression, I believe my lifeselfishly and self seeking







instead of for God. As aresult, alcohol came backinto my life and with it cameinsanity. I lost everything. Iended up homeless,

unlovable, and transgender.Under the care of a “Christian” psychotherapist, Iflew to Thailand andunderwent surgery to mimica female. I cam back to thestates and changed all myrecords to reflect a newidentity. But God never gaveup on me. He put me behindthe wheel of a truck just ashe put Jonah in the belly ofwhale; to spend time withme. Like the prodigal child Icame back to Him and thistime turned my whole lifeover to Him. I changed myrecords back and now livethe life he planned for me.He gave me new songs towrite, an additional

instrument, the mandolin,and a new audience to heartheir message. As I drive mytruck from place to place Ising in trucker’s chapels, sothat the most forgotten ofthe forgotten can know justhow much God loves them.He loves the unlovable. Somuch so, that He gave His

only son on the cross. Andthrough Jesus they canreceive the only love andacceptance that can fill anyvoid in any life.

http://www.help4families.com/testimony_page.htm

Jeff's testimony

This is my story. I hope itgives the Lord Jesus Glory. Iwas about 17 years old when

I decided to move to a city inthe state of Maine . Onesunny day I left home with asuitcase and started tohitchhike across the state. Tomy surprise, I got there andmy first stop was at a gaybar. I think I stayed at afriend’s house that night.Then as time went on, Imoved to that city; and livedthere for about 5 years. Imet this transgender personat the nightclub one night,and I thought this is themost beautiful person I haveever seen. We introduced ourself’s and became bestfriends.

My friend told me about an

Endocrinologist who wouldsee you in his office and talkwith you to see if you’re acandidate to live your life asa woman or transsexual. Ifthe doctor thought you werea good candidate, he wouldwrite you a prescription forfemale hormones. The day Isaw the doctor he wrote theprescription, I was about18years old when I startedtaking them.

After about a year and a halfmy breast started to look likea girls, going throughpuberty. I was so excited at







that time. I felt as though Iwas turning into this personthat I had always wanted tobe. I was not aware that Iwas listening to the DEVIL

saying, “Your a girl trappedin a mans body,” I thought Iwas hearing myself at thattime.

I later moved from Maine toBoston Massachusetts . I gotinvolved with drugs, drinking,and prostitution. I hadimplants in my breasts forfifteen to sixteen years. Afterabout 18 years living inBoston , I wanted a newmove, who knew it would beback to Maine . I got involvedin doing the same thingsthere, this time I was alsodoing Heroin, Oxycontin, andMethadone.

One day I got into a fight

with a friend and she pushedme down a very large flightof stairs. It was shocking tome at that moment. At thebottom of the stairs when Istood up, the thought, “WOWGOD HAD TO HAVE BEENWITH ME,” came to me.There were no broken bonesbut I was in a lot of pain so

bad, it kept me in bed for awhile. One day while I was inmy bed something orsomeone sat me up; I waspuzzled because I had notused my hands or arms to situp. This is the thought thatcame to me at that moment,

“WOW, I FEEL LIKE I HAVESOLD MY SOUL TO THEDEVIL BECAUSE, I HAVE TOGO TO A METHADONECLINIC IN ORDER TO

FUNCTION.” I thought deeplyand then I started talking toGod I said, “God, if I could just get through three daysof not going to the clinic, Icould not go back anywaybecause I would be breakingthe contract I signed withthem. Well to my surprise,God got me through thosethree days and it was veryhard for me, I was goingthrough withdrawal, musselspasms, and pain.

One day I went to theHospital and while I was in awheelchair there a little oldwoman walked up to me andasked me, “DO YOU K NOWJESUS?” I Lied to her, and

said, “yes.” When I left thehospital after the doctor sawme. When I got home and tomy surprise, this is what Iwas hearing all the time inmy head, “DO YOU K NOWJESUS?” this went on forsome time, finally I said, “WELL, I know of him but doI really no him?” I started

watching TBN Ministries andwould eventually say thesinner’s prayer. But I did notfeel any better or different. Iwas somewhat upset so Isaid, “Well God, now that youlive in me why don't I feelany different?” I got back in



bed was looking up to theceiling and was talking toGod and on my TV PaulaWhite was on preaching GodsWord. To my shock I had just

asked God three question'sand then turned to the TVAnd Paula Whites face wasmagnified to the size of anormal persons head andGod answered the threequestions that I had justasked him, I could see livingwater moving around Paula’shead. I was in Awe.

God reached his hand downfrom Heaven pulled 41pictures in front of my face.He showed me from the timeI was born until that momentwith him. Every picture was aliving motion picture forevery year that I had everlived. He said, “This is yougrowing, developing, and

changing. Honey, this isn'tyou, this is what the Devilhas done to you.” I was inawe! I could really feel hisbreath on my face when hetalked to me, His breathalone was speaking thesewords, LOVE, PRESHESNESS,Tenderness, mercy, andGrace; those are the words

of Truth he said. From thatmoment, I knew that I hadlistened to a LIE for all thoseyears. The Lord gave me alotof visions and continued totalk to me and give meRevelation to transgender, inthe supernatural.

He baptized me with hisSpirit in October of 2005 andset me free from all thedrugs, drinking, prostitution,

Homosexuality,Transsexualism, anddepression. Praise GOD HA.He truly is the way the Truthand the life. Thank youJESUS, I LOVE YOU MY LORDAND SAVIOR. I am now livingas a man again and havebeen since 2006 Gods quick.And know that I am verygrateful for him. Thanks forlistening to the testimonyfrom the Lord He gave this tome, for his Glory. All thingsare possible to them thatbelieve, AMEN . Remember,there is a way His name isJESUS. If you don’t knowHim and would like his help,talk to him He is right therewith you in spirit. Jesus is

calling you and you did notread this by accident.Jeffrey.

http://www.help4families.com/jeffs_testimony.htm

Anthony's testimony

I was born in the 1970's onthe west coast, my mom anddad separated when I wasvery young. I grew up withmy mom and mygrandmother for the mostpart in those first years.When I was young, perhaps5 my family lived in a rather







normal suburbanneighbourhood in NorthernCalifornia. One day when Iwas out playing with three orfour other kids on older boy

perhaps early teenagermolested us in a group sexact. I buried the shame, inmy heart and never dealtwith it. Soon after that Icame to the realization that Iwanted to be a girl; howeverthat is expressed in the heartof a 5 year old. I remembersitting on the steps of myschool and wanting to playwith the girls, be with thegirls. I disliked the boys andreally did not want to be partof their group. As I continuedto grow up this desire to be agirl increased, when wewould go to friend’s houseswho had dress up clothes, Iwould put on the dresses andpretend I was a princess.

When I was 9 or 10 myparents started going tochurch, I remember prayingto Jesus every night tochange me into a girl. Ihoped that I would wake inthe morning and somehowbecome female.

As puberty came I was really

confused and distressed. Mymind wanted to develop as afemale but my body wasbecoming more masculine.This is when I started crossdressing, mostly in mymom's bras, panties andlingerie. There was some

sexual pleasure from it,however mostly I would justwear them around the housebelieving I was a girl. I washomeschooled and my mom

worked out of the housequite a bit so there was a lotof time for this. When I was16 Jesus saved me and forsome time I had some peace,but after a while the desireswere back and worse thanever. I would try and fight,but would ultimately go backto cross dressing.

As I entered my late teens,early 20's the cross dressingstopped but I still wrestledwith this desire in my life. Iwould hear accusations in myhead; "You are Female, Youcan't hack it as a man."Sometimes it was like a drumbeating in my head over andover, for days or weeks on

end. I struggled withdepression, tiredness, just aheavy heart. I had a hardtime having fun, becausewhen I was out with myfriends I was jealous of thegirls and fun they werehaving. That started tobecome a theme in my life, Iwas jealous of females; their

curves, softness, and what Iperceived as superiority overmen. I hated everythingabout my masculinity; I hadfantasies at times ofcastrating myself and endingthe control of testosteroneover my life... It was during



all this that I met a beautifulwoman, who was to be mywife. I truly cared for her andloved her, but I also waslooking for an identity in

marriage, although I couldnot express it at the time.

I started dating my wife inthe summer of 2001; wewere engaged in Decemberof 2001 and married in Aprilof 2002. In total we hadreally known each other 8months before we weremarried. I did it the oldfashion way and went andasked her father if we couldsee each other. Growing upin a conservative Christianhome I knew how to walk thewalk and talk the talk andeffectively fooled everyonearound me into thinking thatI was this awesome guywhen inside I was being torn

up by my Gender Identity.

I would like to diverge here alittle bit, to discuss a topicthat is near to my heart. Ilooked at marriage as a wayto get my identity, don't getme wrong, I cared for mywife when we got marriedbut my heart was in it for thewrong reasons. Since mytranssexuality was mysecret, that I protected, I ofcourse did not want to tellme fiancé. I was moreinterested in protectingmyself, than to be discoveredand outed to the church. I

look back on this with a lot ofremorse, as a husband youare supposed to protect yourwife and my heart definitelywas not there. Men, if you

are living with sexual sin, Iimplore you to NOT getmarried until you have dealtwith it. As men we are calledto be the leaders and ifleading for you means tobreak off a relationship for atime or indefinitely in orderto protect the woman thanyou need to have the guts todo it. Please do not drag yourfiancé through the crap that Ihave dragged my wifethrough just because you donot have the guts to break itoff.

My wife found out about myGender Identity issues earlyon in the marriage, of courseafter our wedding. This

started a 6 year longrelationship, or lack ofrelationship with mefantasizing about being awoman, not leading my wifeand becoming morewithdrawn from her. I guessit was not always like this,there were times we wereclose, but much of our

marriage was characterizedby my issues and mywithdrawing and in returnher becoming bitter. Westarted attending a churchand one of the pastorssuggested that I go and meetwith a Christian counsellor.



This period started reallygood, I learned a lot throughthis counsellor and JohnEldridge's book "Wild atHeart". I really started to see

the spiritual warfare side ofGID, the constantaccusations, the heaviness inmy heart, the depressionthat had always been withme. I remember beggingJesus to take these desiresfrom me; I was trying to useJesus snake oil to fix myissues. This spiralled out ofcontrol, and I really lost sightof God in all of this. I startedasking why and trying toresearch everything aboutGID and the more I did themore depressed I became. Ifinally wore myself out inSpring/Summer of 2008 andgave in, I decided thatmedicine/psychology musthave the answers and maybe

like an intersex condition thiswas just the way I was. I toldmy wife I was leaving andwanted to divorce andtransition to becoming awoman. I went out andbought supplies and women’sclothing that night, and wentto hotel room. I won't go intoall the details, but as I sat

there in all my "feminineglory", reading on mycomputer the stories of otherTS folks I remember praying"God what am I doing???"And I remember this stillsmall voice ask "Is this whatyou really want?", my

response was "No, whatshould I do?" and what Iheard still rings in my headto this day; "Run!! Run backto your wife." So I did, my

wife being the faithful,loving, and Godly womanthat she is accepted meback, and forgave me. Shereally showed Jesus to me,that even though I hurt her,she was thinking she wasgoing to be divorced andhave to explain to our kidsthat daddy left. She wasgoing to have to find a job,figure out where to live. I just through all of her maritalsecurity away in 6 hours, butshe took me back and lovedme...

In late December, earlyJanuary of 2009 I began tostruggle heavily again. Mydays became very dark, I

was depressed, feelinganxious and panicked likewhat if I was supposed to bea woman all these years andI was living a lie. I went on abusiness trip and by the timeI came back home I was justdone. I again told my wifethat I could no longer livethis life and that I needed toleave to pursue my “true life”as a female. I left my wifethat night and told her that Iwanted to separate. As I leftto go back out and check intoa hotel I was feeling reallyangry with God. I was yellingon the drive “God, this is



bigger than you. I can't dothis anymore, I am so tiredof fighting and I just want tolive the way that my mindwants me to live.” I

remember God distinctlytelling me “I am your fatherand you are my son. You donot need to do this; you needto get your significance fromme.” I yelled back “No God Iam done with this crap, thisis ridiculous, I am living a lieand I need to be female.” Iwrestled and wrestled withthis for hours. Finally I wasworn down and just askedGod, “What do I need to do?”The answer I got was; “Getyour significance from me,not from being female. Youneed to follow me and loveme more than this.”

I went back home, needlessto say my wife was totally

shaken, saddened and angryby my giving into this. It stilltook several weeks, ofwrestling through this issue.I was trying to fight whatGod was telling me. I stillwanted to believe that thisissue was genetic, thatsomehow some where therewas some loop hole. I startedreading an older website by aman who wrestled with theseissues and decided that Heneeded to stay being malefor the sake of his wife andkids. I have to say it was oneof the very few sites that Ifound that was not entirely

pro-transgendered, but I wasencouraged. I went to churchand spoke with one of thepastors; his thoughts for mewere that I had given up

fighting the temptation andwas falling into a trap. Istarted going to aRedemption Group that ourchurch has developed. Istarted to learn thatTranssexuality was myEgypt, my slavery and thatGod was calling me out ofthat onto a path ofredemption. I learned thatwe as humans are made forworship. Worship is like ahose that you cannot stop;you can point it in variousdirections but cannot make itstop. As humans we are likethat hose, we pour ourworship on God or other idolsin our lives. I was worshipingfemininity and was ready to

sacrifice myself, my wife andmy children on that altar.After searching my heart Ialso realized that I was angrywith God, I think mostly fornot “fixing me” the way Iwanted. I wanted to pray theprayer and any desire to befemale would be gone and Iwould be some sort of super-

man. When God did not fixme this way after years ofpraying for it, I becamebitter.

So where am I now, I amfighting the fight, andrunning the race. I am



working out what redemptionin Jesus looks like fortransgender people. Am I stilltempted, yes, but I amlearning that I am fighting

through the trial, with Christby my side. I feel like Paulwhen he says; “So to keepme from becoming conceitedbecause of the surpassinggreatness of the revelations,

a thorn was given me in the

flesh, a messenger of Satanto harass me, to keep mefrom becoming conceited.

Three times I pleaded with

the Lord about this, that itshould leave me. But he said

to me, "My grace is sufficientfor you, for my power is

made perfect in weakness."Therefore I will boast all the

more gladly of myweaknesses, so that the

power of Christ may restupon me. For the sake of

Christ, then, I am contentwith weaknesses, insults,

hardships, persecutions, andcalamities. For when I am

weak, then I am strong.”

I am thankful for a God whopursues us, and wants a realrelationship with us. I amthankful for a loving, patientand spirit filled wife, who wasrighteously angry with me attimes, who would not give into me, always prayed for meand pushed me to pursueChrist. I am also thankful tothe pastors and deacons ofmy church who came along

side of me and taught mewhat redemption in JesusChrist looks like.

http://www.help4families.co

m/anthonys_testimony.htm

One Man's testimony

Isaiah 6 :5 - 8"Woe to me!" I cried. "I amruined! For I am a man ofunclean lips, and I liveamong a people of uncleanlips, and my eyes have seenthe King, the LORDAlmighty."Then one of the seraphs flewto me with a live coal in hishand, which he had takenwith tongs from the altar.With it he touched my mouthand said, "See, this hastouched your lips; your guiltis taken away and your sinatoned for." Then I heard the

voice of the Lord saying,"Whom shall I send? Andwho will go for us?" And Isaid, "Here am I. Send me!"

My Testimony

Two days after Christmas in1991, I sat my wife downand told her about my lifelong struggle. I explained toher that I cross-dressed insecret ever since I was sevenyears old. I confessed this toher because it was takingcontrol of my life. To quoteBob Bennett “the thing thatwas keeping me alive for so

http://www.help4families.com/anthonys_testimony.htm






long was now killing me.”

I somehow hoped that shecould rescue me from mystruggle. The opposite was

true. In fact, I overwhelmedBeverly with this revelation. Iexpected her to understandit, and I didn’t understand itmyself and I had beendealing with this all my life.

My childhood really was notmuch different from others inmy generation of the sixtiesand seventies. I had adistant, and sometimes,violent relationship with myfather. I fought with my twobrothers almost everyday. Iam the oldest of foursiblings; two brothers and asister. My youngest brother,Bret, attempted suicide whenI was sixteen, he was eleven.He shot himself in the

stomach with my father’s 22rifle that was witnessed bymy brother. Needless to say,this had quite an impact onmy life. Bret did survive thisattempt only to die a fewyears later in a car accident.He was sixteen years old.

I joined the Navy right out of

high school. Not because Iwas patriotic, rather I wantedto escape from my family.While in boot camp, Icouldn’t do anything right. Ayoung strong Christian manfrom Arizona walked the talk.By his witness I began to see

he had something that Ineeded. Early one morning, Istumbled into a prayermeeting in the shower roomof the barracks. It was

around two a.m. A bunch ofguys were praying in theirunderwear. It was there thatI accepted Jesus Christ asmy savior. Now there’s avisual for you. I was filledwith the Holy Spirit andshared Christ with everyone.A few months later mybrother, Bret, accepted theLord while I was home onleave just a few monthsbefore his death.

The Lord called me into theministry when I was twenty.God wanted my obedience, Iwanted to be in the spotlight.Needless to say, there was aconflict. I still entertainedthoughts of cross-dressing.

My silent struggle with thissin continued.

I met my future wife while Iwas stationed in Kingsville,Texas. She was a student atTexas A&I. We met through amutual friend while attendinga function of the BaptistStudent Union. I fell in love

with her and married herwithout sharing my personalstruggle. I somehow thoughtgetting married would solvemy problem. It did not! Theopposite was true. I foughtthe temptation to dress inmy wife’s clothes. I managed



to keep this secret fromBeverly for the first elevenyears of our marriage.

After I told her of my

struggle, I became suicidal; Icame home from work oneday ready to end it all. Thisscared Beverly and she calleda therapist who wascounseling us at the time.She told Beverly to get me inher office anyway she could.Beverly gave me permissionto dress up as a woman andshe drove me to thetherapist’s office. From thereI was admitted to thehospital. This would be myfirst trip of three to a mentalhospital.

Upon release from thehospital, this first trip, Icalled a crisis hot line in hopeof finding a support group.

They told me about anorganization called Tri-Ess,the society for the secondself. They told me about theirgroup. It met Wednesdaynights, and was called CrossDressers Anonymous. Thisturned out to be a supportgroup that encouraged cross-dressing. Beverly did not like

the fact that I was interestedin attending this group. Shegave me an ultimatum. If Iwanted to pursue this lifestyle then I had to leave thehouse. I chose the lifestyleover my family.

I immersed myself intocross-dressing and left Godbehind. I was ready to giveup on God and my family.

I quickly put together a newwardrobe that most womenwould be envious of, and Ibegan to venture out tomalls, bars, and gay barsdressed as a woman. Ibecame intoxicated with thislife. I was thrilled when menwould offer me drinks or holdthe door open for me. It wasexciting to go to the mall asa woman and not havingpeople give me a secondlook. Every now and thensomeone would figure it out,and they would just smile atme. I made friends withother cross-dressers and wewould go out together inMontrose, the gay section inHouston, for “girl’s night

out.”

The deeper I went into thislifestyle, the more chances Iwould take. I put myself insome very dangeroussituations and came veryclose to getting beat up. Ithought this life would makeme happy. Instead I becamevery depressed. Each time Iacted out I would take it astep further to get that extrathrill which would alwaysleave me empty. Ientertained the thought, thatmaybe I was really a woman,that God made had mistake.



My life rapidly fell apart.

I tried very hard to divorceBeverly. We were in and outof the divorce court seven

times, but she didn’t stoppraying for me. Through theproceedings my lawyerwanted me to see apsychologist. Her motivationfor me seeing this man wasnot to help me, but to be anadvocate to testify in mydivorce case. I went to hisoffice, and he immediatelysent me back to the hospital.He saw how depressed I was.This was how God lead me tothe right path of recovery.

While in the hospital, thispsychologist wasn’t sointerested in my cross-dressing. He focused on mydepression and I attendedseveral group sessions. I

recall one young man whowas eighteen at the time. Heshared how his fathercommitted suicide when hewas seven years old. I wasthinking about suicidemyself. At this time it wasthe only way to escape thiswar I was fighting withmyself. This point I knew

that there had to be achange in my life. I began topray that God would deliverme from this life I wasleading. Once I got out of thehospital after a two-weekstay, I told Beverly that I nolonger wanted a divorce and

I was going to work to makesome changes in my life. Iwas able to get a part time job at a Christian radiostation in Houston. It quickly

became my church; themusic began speaking to myheart as I listened to thesongs, “When God Ran” byBenny Hester. This is a songabout the Prodigal son whorealized that his father stillloved him. God still loved meno matter what I wasstruggling with.

God lead me back to church,I began to attend TheVineyard in Humble, Texas.They allowed me to play onthe worship team, but Inever shared with anyone mystruggle with cross-dressing.It was a slow process ofrecovery for me; God hadbigger issues to take care of

in my life. I needed to learnhow to be a father to mychildren and a husband tomy wife. At that point, I leftTri-Ess, and I said goodbyeto my friends in the group.When I told one of myclosest friends, Chris, that Iwas leaving the group andthrowing away all of my

make up wigs and clothesaway for good, he told methat I would be back within amonth. I explained to himwhat God was doing in mylife and that I needed to be afather to my children that Idearly loved. He began to cry



and he told me about adaughter that he hadn’t seensince she was a year old. Shewas five at the time living inCalifornia. I hugged him and

told him goodbye. I knewthat I was not strong enoughat that time to be with himand not cross-dress. I stillpray for Chris I haven’t seenhim since that day. I neverwent back to Tri-Ess. It wastime to put “Renee” to death.God began teaching me whatit’s really like to be a man. Iwould like to tell you thatGod healed me right away,but God’s time was differentfrom mine. He still had a lotof work for me toaccomplish. God showed mehow much faith I really havein Him.

Beverly and I reunited andbegan working on our

marriage. We moved toBastrop, Texas where wespent the next three years. Irarely spoke to Beverly aboutmy struggle, and I neverwould dare share withanyone at church. I struggledwith the temptation to returnto the lifestyle, but Godwould not let me go. Of

course His plan was to movemy family to New Hampshire,of all places. Beverly and Idid not know a soul there, allof our families and friendswere in Texas and Colorado.New Hampshire is where Godwas going to teach me how

to be free in Him.

I was working at the airportfor one of the major airlines.Like all airports there is a

food court that had arestaurant. There was ayoung man who workedthere who would came towork as a woman. I hadplenty of opportunities tospeak to him, but I neverdid. In fact I went out of myway to avoid him. I wasafraid that my secret withSatan would be reviled to theworld. I was ashamed of mypast, and I refused to sharethe gospel with this youngman. I was one of “thosewho walked on the other sideof the road to avoid thewounded man.” I was playingchurch at the time, notwalking the talk. This wenton for about two months.

One day when I came towork, I discovered that thisyoung man had committedsuicide. My heart sank. Inever said a word to thisyoung man who struggled asI had. God had gotten gotmy attention.

I was scheduled to go on a

short-term mission trip just afew weeks later and my co-workers had helped me raisethe funds to go on this trip.One of the first missionaries Imet in Brazil was Michael. Heand I instantly becamefriends. He was from Grand



Junction, Colorado. I washurting so bad over theyoung man who killedhimself that I could stand itno longer, and I shared with

Michael my struggle. Hedidn’t laugh at me or judgeme. He prayed with me andtold me that God could useme for His Kingdom. It wasin Brazil where I finallyshared my testimony withothers. God had begun to setme free.

When I returned to NewHampshire, I shared with theleader of the men’s group atmy church what God wasdoing in my life. I told him Ineeded to share it with theother men of the group. Godwas faithful. He gave me thecourage to be open and realwith this small group of men.In return, they did not reject

me, but instead embracedme with encouragement andsupport. To this day, theyremain faithful to me throughfriendship and prayers.

The Lord has brought Beverlyand me down this long path.I look back and not a daywent by that God wasn’t

there. Everyday I was lovedby Him. Today Beverly and Iare leading a small group inour church praying andhelping those who aresexually broken. God hadcalled me into the ministrywhen I was twenty. At forty-

eight I am really beginning tounderstand that He wants mytotal obedience. This iswhere I have found myfreedom.

http://www.help4families.com/testimony.htm

A Matter of Survival (Part

1)

by Bob (written for Help 4Families)

I was among the huddledcluster of women in the foyerof a large shopping mall.They were warmly bundledwaiting for their men torescue them from the bitingcold awaiting them outside.The “chariots” arrived one byone to escort their individualmaiden away to the warmthand safety of home.

I could see my reflection inthe expanse of glass beforeme. “I look so pretty,” Ithought. I was standingthere, not in the self-conscious way of a manencircled by women, but asone miraculously transformedin appearance to be acceptedas another woman amongthem, not a male intrusion.

An admixture of emotionsand thoughts swelled withinme. “Why can’t this alwaysbe the way life is for me?” Iwas filled with tidal waves of







anger, bitterness andremorse that I could enjoysuch blissful acceptance onlyfor a stolen moment. Then,nearly as quickly as those

thoughts and feelingssubsided, I saw through thefacade and caught a glimpseof the man beneath thecarefully constructed exterior.I muttered in agreement withone who shared my fate, “Itis true, neither sex is reallymine; I belong to a third sex,a sex apart, which has as yetno name.”1

I felt very much a freak ofnature at one moment, areplicated form of my motherin the next. I wanted somuch to emulate her, to beamong her “kind,” seen andaccepted for the woman Ilonged to be.

The mission complete, Ideposited the artifacts of mysecret identity carefully inhiding. “Sometimes I feel likea secret agent,” I muttered.But the intrigue was quicklyreplaced by an overpoweringsense of shame.

I knew, too, that I had onceagain exposed myself to suchan incredible risk of beingcaught. Why? What wouldhave happened if I had beeninvolved in an auto accident?I was afraid of theconsequences of humiliationand rejection if ever

discovered. More than that, Irealized that I had crossedover established genderlines, emasculating myselfonce again in that

despicable, yet terriblycherished evening.

I wrote in my journal: I amintensely angry andconfused! I stood there in thehuge doorway of the mall,with two contradictory andconsuming emotions: delightand disgust. Delight, knowingthat I was at least for themoment accepted as thewoman portrayed to the “unseeing” eye . . . but afreak, if they but for onemoment had been able tosee beneath the femininewrappings.

I loathe all of this! How can Igo on in this type of

existence? Always longing forwhat I cannot have. Alwaysin pain within. Constantlydoing what I cannot (in morerational moments) conceiveto be true. And all the whilesuppressing the excruciating,instinctive knowledge that Iam in the wrong.

For as I today caught myreflection, it is obvious toanyone who would take timefor a second glance, that Iam truly a man wearing adress! Must I forever bedoomed to this? Unthinkable!



In the movie, “Alive”, thesurvivors of an airplane crashin the Andes Mountains, didwhat was for them (at first),unthinkable. In order to

come out of the eighty dayordeal alive, they finallyresorted to eating thecorpses of those who haddied in the tragedy.

Cannibalism is unthinkable,considered even to beimmoral to our culture. (It ismy understanding that thosesurvivors, once back home,were treated harshly by thechurch for their treatment ofthe dead). But, as the reallife drama revealed, wehumans will resort towhatever is necessary inorder to survive. It’s builtinto us by God so to do.

Survival is what transvestism

and transsexualism is aboutat its core. We simply wantto feel good about ourselves,to love our life, enjoy the actof “being.” We have theincredible need to feelconnected to the feminine, todevour (or be devoured by)womanhood. Even though weprofess Jesus Christ to beSavior, the unthinkablefleshly passion mercilesslygrinds away at any sense ofcommon decency, wearingdown any resistance to itsdemands.

Because we have suffered a

breakdown in our “psycho-social development,” we haveeroticized the other sex,thinking that being one ofthem would be the

appropriate medicinal agentto cure our intense emotionalpain.

As Leanne Payne suggests,when a man refuses toaccept himself, his eyes aredirected to someone else,(typically his mother for thetranssexual), finding himself “stuck in some form ormanifestation of the wrongkind of self-love. Failing tolove himself aright, he willlove himself amiss.”2 Thismisplaced affection results inan inordinate, highlyimmoral, self love of thewoman of our own makingthat attempts to destroy ourGod-given sexual identity.

Interestingly, as I stood therein the foyer of that shoppingmall, I was delighted to atleast catch a fleeting glimpseof mother in me.

Masculinity is something wehave found most distastefulas transsexual males. Ibelieve it stems from ourbasic childhoodmisunderstanding of whattrue masculinity is. In manyit stems from the traumaticevents surrounding our mostformative years that led toour rejection of what weinterpreted to be manhood.



We have not been properlyinstructed on what it reallymeans to be a man. Acaptivating role model mostusually was not available to

us to integrate us with thetrue masculine.

Most of our fathers did notaffirm us as sons in oursexual identity. It was notnecessarily intentional ontheir part. “The masculinewithin is called forth andblessed by the masculinewithout.”3 Of course, thebasic reason for our failure tobe called into manhood byour father (or fatherreplacement) is derived fromthe fact that our fathers werenot properly affirmed in theirown masculinity. How thencould we think them capableto affirm ours?4

Charles Williams’ Descentinto Hell, revealed the effectsof a man’s choices tofabricate a woman forhimself to love. This “imaginary woman”eventually consumes everythought, the illusionbecoming progressively morecaptivating and the `descentinto hell’ all the more areality; a form of worship ofthe “false or narcissisticself.”5

Survival is one of themotivating factors for thetranssexual lifestyle. We who

have struggled for our sexualidentity are merelyattempting to survive thesteady assaults of shame,guilt and despair. Many

transsexuals with whom Iwork have little or no senseof personal identity of theirown. They have learned tosurvive their personal “nothingness” by integratingtheir personality to that ofthe person who has meantthe most to them–mother.

Nicolosi’s observations applyto the transsexual mostaccurately, when he buildshis case for the innatereparative process that is inplace within each person.The sense of “normalcy” weexperience when cross-dressed only exposes ourdeeply wounded heartstriving to heal itself through

this form of sexualidentification. Our emotionalmastication of the female isour feeble attempt tosurvive, to be sustained insome form of identity.6

The transsexual male issubconsciously trying torepair the damage done,primarily between himselfand his father. Male attentionand affirmation is continuallysought (perhaps mostly onan unconscious level),through becoming acceptableto men . . . in the desirableimage of a woman. We



protected ourselves fromfurther hurt and theparalyzing fear of ourmasculinity being againrejected, by “defensively

detaching” ourselves fromfather.7

We took instead the identityof mother, aunt, etc., in orderto cope with the pain of alost, forsaken, or rejectedmale identity. We haveresponded to our hurts,saying by word and action, “Ireject manhood and all thatit stands for!”

This type of wound and innervow making isolates us fromother males and from ourown sense of beingmasculine. The world of thefeminine becomes the mosttrustworthy, the mostfamiliar and desirable for us

to associate with, while beingwith males becomes amysterious, uncomfortable,perhaps repulsive idea.8

The inner vows we makewhen we are children areusually not consciouslyremembered, but very muchat work in our lives as adults.We retain those vows like aprogrammed VCR, no matterhow hard our adult mindcontests the storedinformation. “Our inner beingpersistently retains suchprogramming no matter whatchanges of mind and heart

may later pertain. Thedistinctive mark of an innervow is that it resists thenormal maturation process.Inner vows resist change. We

do not grow out of them.”9And with that, our masculineself is methodicallyemotionally (and potentially,physically) destroyed.

I actually believed I hatedmales. To be one wasreckoned the mostdespicable of fates. I lied tomyself, saying that it was agenetic malfunction thatlocked me into thisloathsome and perilousexistence. But I have cometo see that what I was doingwas actually detachingmyself from males in order tosurvive. By the age of threeyears I had concluded I couldnever succeed as a boy, and

the answer to my dilemmawas to become a girl. Ineffect, I reattached mysevered emotional umbilicalcord to mother, in the vainhope that I could therebysurvive. Ironically, in theend, that which at one timehad brought solace andsustenance threatened myexistence altogether. Thatwhich had once brought suchsatisfaction and peace,ultimately delivered intensepain and suffering. Strangeparadox!

Many of us can easily relate



to the all-too-commontestimony that sincechildhood we felt “castrated,emasculated, weak, queer,twisted.” These feelings were

constantly reinforcedbecause of our father’semotional distance from usand by mother’s incessantpampering or protection ofus.

Mothers often think of theirsons as helpless victims andin their nurturing attempts toprotect us from the harshworld of men, we becomedemasculinized, narcissistic,depressed, and utterlypassive.10 Our identitybecomes so tied intomother’s that we find itnearly impossible to separateourselves from the emotionalumbilicus. We are suspendedby this tether throughout all

of life, with the unfortunateclimatic end of our beingsuffocated by it.

I know that I was separatedfrom mother after only a fewweeks in this old world. Shehad to return to her place ofwork in order to provide forour growing family. She wasa new hairdresser and wasrequired to work long, hardhours. The only time that Iwas with her was in the earlymorning or late at night. Itwas most likely during thisvulnerable time that Ibecame emotionally bonded

to her nightgowns or silkyunderclothing, the symbolicrepresentations of mother.And, in her absence or intimes of stress, these articles

became my means of solace.Nearly three-fourths of thetranssexuals I know sharestories similar to my own.Psychologists refer to it as “separation anxiety.”

Leanne Payne touches uponthe matter of “separationanxiety” as a prime-mover inthe formation of thetranssexual neurosis. Sheexplains, “The cross-dressersuffers from separationanxiety and gender confusionrelated to his failure to makea secure attachment to hismother and thereby gain astrong sense of being or ofwell-being. This loss has ledto a most grievous symbolic

confusion in him. The relatedcoping mechanisms (cross-dressing) leave him in thethroes of the dread-riddenshame and compulsivebehavior.”11 Mosttranssexual “survivors” canrelate to that!

Our industrialized society hasaltered the normalinteraction that shouldtranspire between child andparent. One of the mostpowerful ingredients tohealthy male development isthe interaction betweenfather and son. It is typical to



discover that in the early lifeof the transsexual the fatheris “gone,” either emotionallyor physically, leaving the sonprimarily to the care of

women, which hinders theson’s growth into manhood.

As Sandford observed, “Before we are six, the abilitylater to enjoy our sex fullyhas either been enabled ordestroyed. Failing to receivefrom our father especially, wecannot enter into the fullnessof what ought to be.Aberrational formssubsequently await us likereefs under the shallowwaters of our living.”12

Robert Bly understood howcannibalism works inrelationships, especiallybetween the father and son.On the positive side, he

wrote, “When a father andson do spend long hourstogether . . we could say thata substance almost like foodpasses from the older bodyto the younger . . . The son’sbody–not his mind–receivesand the father gives this foodat a level far belowconsciousness. The son doesnot receive a hands-onhealing, but a body-onhealing. His cells receivesome knowledge of what anadult masculine body is. Theyounger body learns at whatfrequency the masculinebody vibrates. It begins to

grasp the song that the adultmale cells sing.”13

Conversely, when the deeplonging of the son to have a

strong identification with hisfather is interrupted orannihilated, the fatherbecomes an object ofcontempt or is considered oflittle significance. “Caught insuch extremes, he is thusdenied genuine relationshipwith the father, and withhimself as a man.

In either case, the earthlyfather remains the fixedstandard which dictates theman’s life responses-whetherpositively of negatively-andthe unique person the FatherGod calls the man to be islost, either in running afteror away from the earthlyfather.”14

We are emasculated in somany other ways, too. It isdifficult (and totallyimproper), to place all of theblame at the parent’sdoorstep. So emotionallycastrated are we (by anendless myriad of externaland internal voices), that weeventually give up any hopein achieving real manhood.We abandon the effort earlyon in our developmentalprocess, instead opting forthe feminine since it is theidentity that feels so “right.”What other options are



there?

So we become “cannibalistic”in our attempt to survive thestarvation within our

demasculinized soul. We jointhe ranks of the heathencannibals, who eat the onesthey admire the most in theeffort to acquire theirtraits.15 In our deep hurt,despair, envy, and lust, weravenously devourwomanhood in the attemptto emulate and live out ourconcept of the female role,with the mistaken belief thatis the best choice for ourlives.

I expressed it this way in one journal entry: I cannotconceive of ever doingwithout the routine ritualsand the act of cross-dressing! It is too painful to

think that I could never dothat again. How can I eversurvive without this source oflife, purpose, satisfaction andsense of well-being? I’ve gotto be able to express myfeminine self! Just slipping onthat dress today made mefeel at one with womanhood.

I thought of the many times Ihave come home from anexhausting day, slipped offmy shoes and plopped myselfupon the couch in utterdelight, saying, “I’m finally athome”. Well, that’s how I feeleach and every time I cross-

dress. I am “finally at home!”I eat, drink, literally digestwomanhood. I consume itlike food for my soul.

Don’t even suggest it, youwell-meaning, but ignoranttherapists, that I will have tocut this out of my daily diet!No way!!! I will die withoutit! I’ve got to live. And theonly way I can survive is asthe woman I should havebeen, Jennifer Elaine.

We learn to rationalize ourplight, arguing, that what weare doing cannot beconsidered a sinful act, forwe were obviously born thisway, because it is all that weremember. But as Dalbeyrecounts, “Biblical faithunderstands that all of us areborn into sin, and are unableby our own natural power to

fulfill God’s will for our lives.The good news of our faith isprecisely that the inbornbrokenness of our humannature has been overcomeand redeemed by Jesus, thatthe power to walk in Hisvictory is accessible to thosewho surrender their lives toHim.”16

The only way we can trulysurvive is to cut ouremotional umbilical cord tomother and secure it to ourChrist through submission toHis Lordship. To survive is tosubmit; to live is to die.



I am not referring to a “quickfix”. I fully recognize thatmuch is involved in thatprocess. Limited space forcesme to end this discourse with

these very abbreviatedremarks. In next month’s “Part II” I will attempt tounravel some definitivethings that must beexperienced for this complexrestoration of our humansoul.

Footnotes: 1. MarjorieGarber, Vested Interests:Cross-Dressing and CulturalAnxiety, (New York:Routledge, Chapman & Hall,Inc., 1992), 11. 2.LeannePayne, The Broken Image,(Wheaton, IL: CrossWayBooks, 1981), 55. 3. LeannePayne, Crisis in Masculinity,(Westchester, IL: CrosswayBooks, 1985), 4. Ibid., 14.

5. Payne, The BrokenImage, 86. 6. JosephNicolosi, Reparative Therapyof Male Homosexuality,(Northvale, NJ: JasonAronson, Inc., 1991), 132.7. Elizabeth Moberley,Homosexuality: A NewChristian Ethic, (Cambridge:James Clarke & Co., 1989)8. Nicolosi, 58. 9. JohnSandford, TheTransformation of the InnerMan, (Tulsa, OK: VictoryHouse, 1982, 192-193 10.Payne, Crisis in Masculinity,26. 11. Payne, Restoring theChristian Soul, Wheaton, IL,

1991), 129. 12. Sandford,Transformation, 271.13.Gordon Dalbey, Fatherand Son, (Nashville, TN:Thomas Nelson Publish-ers,

1992), 17. 14. Ibid., 19. 15.Payne, Crisis, 28. 16.Gordon Dalbey, Healing TheMasculine Soul, Dallas, TX:Word Publishing, 1988, 107.

http://help4families.com/?pa

ge_id=314


2)

by Bob (written for Help 4

Families)

Taking a hot and lengthyshower had become aritualistic overture tostepping into the world of thefeminine. It was a twistedform of baptismal cleansing,

an act of purification wherethe despised evidence of themasculine was removed bythe sharp, ceremonialinstrument, a Bic razor.

However, this day wasdecidedly different. As Istood beneath theexhilarating fount, a familiar,gentle voice interrupted mythought processes. It wasunexpected, extremely ill-timed, intrusive, tender, butfirm. My spirit knew whosevoice it was. So did mytroubled soul! He said, “Youdo not have to do this, for I








am here to give you thestrength to resist.”

This was not good news tomy ears! I wanted to step

out of the shower, dry off andget about the task at handASAP! It was something Ihad planned to do for days.The time was right.Everything was in place forbeing transformed into myfemale self, Jennifer, if but just for a few hours. This wasnot something I had thoughtI would have to reckon with:the possibility of escapingthis bewildering compulsionof cross-dressing by simplyobeying the inner urging ofGod’s voice.

The Scripture came to mymind: “No temptation hasovertaken you but such as iscommon to man; and God is

faithful, who will not allowyou to be tempted beyondwhat you are able, but withthe temptation will provide away of escape also, that youmay be able to endure it.” (I Cor. 10:13)

I butted my head against thewall of the shower as a manwithin an institution’s paddedcell, babbling beneath thesteady cascade of water, “But, God, I do not want toescape this!!! I have beenlooking forward to beingJennifer once again. Don’tyou understand? I AM A

WOMAN INSIDE THIS BODY!”

I had tried so hard toconvince myself that I was agenetic flaw, which in turn

made God the ultimatescapegoat. This iscommonplace for us, isn’t it?God’s encouragement cameonce more to draw from theinner strength of Hisindwelling Spirit in order toabort the intentionaldestruction of the masculine. “But, God!” I protested, “Ihave already removed mybodily hair, purchased newthings and everything is inmotion to do it. I have gonethis far! I might as well carryit through to completion, forI have already sinned.Besides all that, I am nothurting anyone by cross-dressing.”

That did not turn Him away.My response? I put my facedirectly beneath the flow ofcooling water, in the hopethat the tender urging wouldcease, or at least bemomentarily quieted.

How many times had Ibegged God to remove thispart of my life from me? I didnot want to be the frustratingand shameful person that Iwas! Two distinctpersonalities, one markedlymasculine, the other asemblance of the feminine. Ihad written in my journal



some six years before theseobservations:

I am today very, very sad. Isee myself as miserably

(very possibly, irreversibly)emotionally ill. I am afraidthat I can never really behealed of this condition. I amso afraid of the power that Ihave within myself to destroyall that I have worked sohard to build. I feel tired,exhausted, without anyresidual energy! I am wearyof the incrediblemasquerade. I am lonely, sovery lonely, feeling as thoughno one could everunderstand or care.

I wish that I could put an endto this misery I daily face.The only way that I know todo that is by either killingmyself, having my sex

gloriously changed, orexperiencing somemiraculously designedintervention from God. Ihave little (or no) hope forany genuine or lastingchange.

I am not sure that I reallynever want to dress as awoman again. It is entirelytoo pleasurable and fulfilling,either in fantasy or fact. It isonly then that I feel I am atpeace with myself. Thewoman I see reflected in themirror is the person I havealways wanted to be . . .

perhaps the very person Ishould have been all along!

We transsexuals think ofourselves as very unique

individuals. Both sexes rolledup into one package. We loveit and hate it! We enjoy both,but have a sense of disgustfor each. We learned at avery early age to easily slipinto either role in any givenmoment, loathing, yet lovingeach sex role, for there aredistinct advantages to both.We have indulged ourselveswith the best of both worlds.

But eventually theexperimentation with thefeminine role dominates andwins control over ourwounded soul. We becomeincreasingly passive,unwilling to resist herdemands for expression.

Many of us grow weary of theconflict and finally turn to thesurgeon for more permanentrelief.

As an adolescent I spenthours recording my thoughts,feelings and experiences inmy diary. One such entryregistered my anxiety: I gotstuck in Mom’s red dress.The zipper got stuck. Dadwas asleep but I had to getout of Mom’s things beforeshe got home. My brothercame in and helped me getout. I didn’t want to put thedress away. I loved being in



it again. But I don’t get it. Iwant to be a girl. But I wantto be a boy, too.

What we transsexuals

imagine to be our “trueidentity” becomes adeplorable admixture ofunspeakable elation andpain! Why? It is lust at itscore–destructive lust thatdemands more than wewould have ever been at firstwilling to pay. It is also rage–a silent, furious resentmentand protest. Lust and ragewhen blended together thrustus into the hellish mockery ofa human soul that we calltranssexualism. As pointedout by one professional, “Insexual terms, lust may beexperienced at first aspleasurable and satisfying.Fantasies will almost alwaysmove from the private to the

relational–from thought todeed. . . devaluating the souland, in fact, intensifying theemptiness.”1

Most of us adopted a female “secret” identity by the ageof puberty, many of us longbefore. The girls in myneighborhood called meJennifer Elaine when I playedwith them, sharing with metheir mommy’s clothing,lipstick, perfumes, highheels. Each time I crossedover gender lines, thefeminine identity becamemore fixed. I liked my female

identity and name muchmore than my male one. Itruly enjoyed both, but heldthe feminine in a muchhigher regard, acting out its

role whenever possible.

Why did I prefer living in therole of the female? Why doyou? Good question! In mycase, a concrete decision wasmade in my third year of life.What other kind of decisioncan be made by a three yearold? You do not reason out allof the explanations, facts andevents. They serve as themortar for forming self-perceptions. You simplyexperience them and makedecisions based upon yourvery limited world-view,forming conclusions that areforever solidified in the soul.

I vividly recall the hot

summer afternoon that Caroland I were playing house onthe front porch. Both Caroland I were in play dresses,enjoying being like mommy,fixing something to eat forher baby. She reached forher doll and then gave it tome. With that exchange, themantle of the feminine waswarmly received, and themasculine was forsaken as aviable option for me. I waslike her, and both of us werelike our mommies. That wasgood! So very good!

I cannot explain the



formidable wall of separationbetween my father andmyself. It was just there. Forwhatever reason, I did notwant to be like him, or like

any other man I had met. Hislife was not appealing to me,perhaps even threatening, oroffensive. I did not want todo “men’s things”. I didthem, but not with a sense ofenjoyment or satisfaction. It just seemed that it couldnever compare to thewonderful world I engagedwhen crossing overproscribed gender lines intoJennifer’s role, using myMom’s things to momentarilyescape the daily anguish ofbeing male.

What was it that created thismonster within my soul? Foryears I cast the entire blameupon my father, thinking that

he could have changed thecourse of my history had hebeen more attuned to myneeds. In my childishthinking he simply was notthere when I needed him.

I now realize that he wasdoing all that he knew to dofor his son. He was makingsure that his family wouldnever go without the materialthings in life. He workedhard, long hours on the nightshift at a job that he hated.Dad was very much in lovewith his beautiful wife,devoted to his two sons and

our happiness.

An excerpt from a letter myDad wrote prior to his deathexpressed his desires for his

first son: “Words cannotexpress what your cominginto this world meant to meand mommy. You were andalways will be a good boy. Ialways think of you whenmommy was working andyou helped take care of littlebrother. I don’t know what Iwould have done withoutyou.”

The remarkable thing is thatI do not remember a timewhen he actually told me heloved me, or initiated a hug.I can fully identify with theman who said, “I have neverfelt loved or affirmed as ason or as a man by myfather. I don’t remember him

holding me, telling me heloves me, that I am good, orthat he is proud of me.”2

As a youngster, the onlything that registered withinme was that he wasn’t therewhen I needed him. Nor washe very interested in whatinterested me. Reality insiststhat these perceptions of himwere inaccurate andtherefore absolves him fromresponsibility for myemotional malady. But then,reality and I had never beenclose companions!



No matter how manywonderful traits Dad had(and he had plenty), the factwas that I felt insignificant toand rejected by him. My

defensive stance resulted inrejecting him and themasculinity he represented.This is what Dr. ElizabethMoberly refers to as a samesex deficit and detachment.3

It is more serious, however,in that I renounced my linkwith the masculine and optedfor the only sex left. I did nottry to find my completion inother men. That was notpossible, I thought, becauseI was supposed to have beena girl, and felt that I couldonly be acceptable to Dad (orany other male) in that role.

Transsexualism is in truth anextreme form of

unconscious, repressedhomosexuality, for I trulywanted Dad’s love andaffirmation, but thought itonly attainable if I were afemale. Most trans-gendermales will be repulsed by thenotion they are basicallyoperating from the samedefensive detachment copingmechanism of the overthomosexual. We believeourselves to be afflicted in atotally different way. Give itsome more thought!

Therefore, intimacy with aman was acceptable to me

only if I were a woman. Iknow men who have attainedthe highest ideal of atranssexual’s dream through “corrective” surgery, and

daily attest to their sense ofwell being. But in fleetingmoments of gut-levelhonesty, express theirlingering emotional pain,instinctively (perhaps notconsciously) knowing thatthe deepest longing hasalways been for Daddy’slove.

So we draw life from mother,identifying as best we canwith her, dressing up like her(or sister) whenever theoccasion permits. We preferbeing with her, and we growextremely envious of theease with which girls canfully emulate their mothers,receiving compliments and

obvious demonstrations ofaffection from their dads.

I do not believe that I everbecame detached from Mom.It wasn’t that she was a`smothering’ kind ofinfluence at all. She wassimply the most available,affirming and desirable of thetwo. As Dr. Nicolosiexpressed it, “The father hasto be a strong and attractiveenough parent to induce theson to leave the comfortablerelationship and originalidentification with mother.”4



My Mother was a veryattractive and warmlyaffectionate lady. Sheseemed to always find timefor me, even though she

worked long, hard hours as ahairdresser. She deeply lovedme, included me into her lifeand affirmed my femininequalities. Often I would hearher say to her customershow she had always longedfor and had expected me tohave been her little girl. Itcould not have pleased memore for her dream to cometrue in me!

I turned off the shower, driedmyself and stepped into thebedroom where all of thearticles of my Jekyll andHyde identity lay waiting formy use. Fully dressed andonce again seeing thefeminine side of my

personality reflected in mymirror, it was obvious that Iwas unwilling to collaboratewith the Creator’s prompting.I had clear rationale for whatI was doing. I was Jennifer.As I viewed myself from allangles, I repeated over andover, “I am a woman! I am awoman!”

God-breathed inner strengthto resist was there, but notappropriated. It is a fact thatGod provides all we need towin the battles within oursoul, but more often thannot, we are seasoned

victims, accustomed to beingcasualties of war. As it was sowell stated in Jessie Penn-Lewis’ War on The Saints: “The chief condition for the

working of evil spirits in ahuman being, apart from sin,is passivity, in exactopposition to the conditionwhich God requires from Hischildren for His working inthem.”5 “You can’t expectGod to protect you fromdemonic influences if youdon’t take an active part inHis prepared strategy.”6

But cross-dressing hadbecome my means ofsurvival! To devour (or bedevoured by) womanhoodhad become a routine. I wasliving from an inheritedproblem resulting from theFall, refusing to allow Jesusbe Lord!

I was not wanting to be ahumdrum male. In order toescape that horrible fate, Iquickly yielded to fantasy,imagining what it would belike to be a woman,transported into that moreappealing realm, wherefantasies served as “magiccarpets . . . to deliver thesoul from boredom, anxiety,anger, loneliness, and rage toa `better’ world that offersmomentary relief andsatisfaction.”7 Lust isproperly defined as “Theeffort to possess another in



order to steal enough passionto be lifted out of our currentstruggles into a world thatfeels (for an instant) like theGarden of Eden.”8

The story line is radicallydifferent now, thanks to thesteady and unfailinggoodness of God in healingmy masculine identity andhelping me find what oneauthor described as “libertythrough Christ to disown theflesh with all its programs,including the desires forsexual expressions contraryto the intention of theCreator.”9 It has taken a longtime for me to be able togenuinely attest to such athing as lasting change, anauthentic inward peace withwho I really am–a man.

Embracing the masculine

does not occur quickly. It isimpossible to unravel all thatgoes into this kind ofpersonal restoration. That isone of the main reasons forwriting this to you, using thisplatform to transmit hope,encouragement and insights.I do not want others to gothrough the years of anguish,self-loathing and inevitableloss of God’s intendeddestiny.

One thing is for certain: Godis not in a hurry and will helpus every step of the way, ifwe let Him. Many believe

that we have to fullyunderstand all of theintricacies of our past beforewe can effect lasting changein the present. That is

helpful, but not required. Thetruth is that the Lord wantsto invade the present withHis power to overcome thesensual lusts of our soul,heal the ravaged heart andmind.

This whole “shower episode”happened long before Iactively pursued therapy. TheSpirit of God was giving meclear instruction on what todo long before I came intocontact with the “rootcauses” of my sexuallybroken identity. Life is somuch different when wecooperate with God, learn todraw upon that innerstrength to resist, for it is

always there.

Feelings will always be there,too. They are not easilychanged. Our twistedpassions are motivated byrebellion and self-love. It isGod’s grace (empowerment!)that enables any of us to befree. We rationalize ourpersistent identification withthe feminine by saying thatGod expects too much fromus. We protest, “I do nothave the inner strength (ordesire) to stop this never-ending cycle of entering intomy imaginary world of the



woman within!”

That is just the point! We donot possess that kind ofenergy. It is from God alone!

Paul clarified it plainly,saying, “Therefore do not letsin reign in your mortal bodythat you should obey itslusts, and do not go onpresenting the members ofyour body to sin asinstruments ofunrighteousness; but presentyourselves to God as thosealive from the dead, and yourmembers as instruments ofrighteousness to God. For sinshall not be master over you,for you are . . . under grace.”(Romans 6:12-14)

We have ample opportunityto receive or reject God’senabling power. If youmerely want pain removed,

you will not get well. If youdesire only to go on enjoyingyour own selfish, self-centered life, you will notreach your intended destinyin God. If your goal is toescape trouble (the verything God uses to wake usup) so you can go on servingyour selfish god of pleasure,you will not find truefulfillment in life.

But those who relinquishtheir life to God will find truelife. The secret of life is tolose it (Luke 17:33).10

The choice is ours. It alwayswill be.

Footnotes: 1. Dan Allender,Bold Love, (Colorado Springs,

CO: Navpress, 1992), 105.2. Leanne Payne, Crisis inMasculinity, (Westchester, IL:Crossway Books, 1985), 71.3. Elizabeth Moberly,Homosexuality: A NewChristian Ethic, (Cambridge:James Clarke & Co., 1989),38. 4. Joseph Nicolosi,Reparative Therapy of MaleHomosexuality, (Northvale,NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc.,1991), 33. 5. Neil T.Anderson, The BondageBreaker, (Eugene, Oregon:Harvest House, 1990), 78.6. Ibid, 78. 7. Dan Allender,Bold Love, (Colorado Springs,CO: Navpress, 1992), 103.8. Ibid, 103. 9. WilliamBackus, Telling the Truth to

Troubled People,(Minneapolis, MN: BethanyHouse, 1985), 243. 10. JohnSandford, TheTransformation of the InnerMan, (Tulsa, OK: VictoryHouse, 1982), 119.


ge_id=316


3)

by Bob (written for Help 4Families)

People will be lovers of








themselves, abusive, withoutlove, without self control,lovers of pleasure rather thanlovers of God. (2 Timothy3:2-4)

This store had become afamiliar setting, though itwas quite unlike the shops Iformerly frequented whichdisplayed their alluringarticles of women’s apparel.When I was actively involvedin the transsexual lifestyle,letting me loose in awoman’s dress shop wastantamount to trying toconfine a bull in a room ofred banners. Euphoricfantasies and emotionaldischarges would surgethroughout my being withthe force of an atom-smasher!

The store I had just entered

was world’s apart! It wasextremely over-populatedwith men, an environmentthat used to be sounbearably intimidating. Thefragrance was typically maleas well: the smell of fresh cutwood. It was a lumber yard.I had come to purchase some2×8′s for steps I wasbuilding at home. But thingswere unexplainably (mostalarmingly) different.

It was as though the littleboy in me had matured andwas taking manly steps.Inwardly I was taking larger

than normal steps, masculinesteps, very similar to a self-assured machoism that JohnWayne portrayed. But in thiscase even the “Duke” would

have had to sheepishly stepaside! “What is going onhere?”

It wasn’t that I was actuallystrutting like a peacock, butfelt as though I were. Ipassed by the bathaccessories, noticing myreflection in the lineup ofvanity mirrors. The name forthem is most appropriate,because I felt very proudabout my appearance andplace in life. I paused in frontof one full-length mirror,gazing with approval at themanly image before me,seemingly oblivious of whatothers might think. Myperception was that

everyone’s eyes werefocused upon me in apositive, affirming, perhapseven envious, way. Mostunusual of all was the feelingof being a mature male deepin my interior. Quiteincredible!

I advanced to the counter toplace my order. There thesix-foot lumberjack stood.But I didn’t experience thenormal cowering of a littleboy or an inferior male. Ifanyone had been in front ofme, I suspect that I wouldhave brushed him aside,



saying, “Out of my way!” Iwas not in the least bitintimidated!

My five-foot-ten frame

seemed to tower above hisand I heard my unusuallydeepened voice barking, “Hey Tom! Give me five twoby eights and five two byfours that are ten foot long!Make sure they’re treated,too!” He dutifully completedthe form and asked if Iwanted anything else. “That’lldo it for today. Thanks, bud!”I walked away, shaking myhead in disbelief that I hadactually said it in that way.

Having sorted through thepile of lumber for the bestpieces, I strode toward myvehicle with them slung overmy shoulder. My memoryflashed back to a most

distasteful event of childhoodwhen my father had placed amonstrous board on myshoulder, expecting me tocarry it a distance of whatappeared a mile to my six-year-old frame. My dad hadtaken on the task of buildinghis own garage. Not aparticularly gifted carpenter,he was extremely impatientand used me as a “go-fer”for his tools.

“Go get my hack saw!” Ihurried to the basement,wondering just what thatlooked like. I returned with

some kind of a saw, butclearly not the one heneeded. Once again I wasshamed by his angry words, “You dummy! I told you to

get the hack saw. I’ll tell you,if you want anything doneright, you do it yourself.”Sounded good to me! I didn’tmuch like being theapprentice carpenter anyway.Who needs the sweat, thedirt, the back-breaking work,the cigarette smoke, or theverbal abuse?

It didn’t take many more ofthese episodes to make surethat I was unavailable whenDad did his work. I didn’tcare to link my sexualidentity to his!

The deeper injury was myfeeling of being ill-equippedas a member of the male

species, totally inadequatefor the task, seemingly unfitto manage myself acceptablyin that undesirable role. Ilived in a shame-basedstruggle for survival, tryingmy hardest to make it, butconstantly receiving themessage that I was somehowdefective and inadequate asa male.

At least that was myperception and a deeplyingrained reality to me by theage of four. After all, thefamily is “the primarychannel for learning one’s



identity, for having needsmet, for understanding whoGod is, and for developingrelationships.”1

The lumber yard attendantchecked over my load andstapled a red flag on theprotruding pieces of wood. AsI drove home, my memoryreturned to another painfulsituation. I was playing onour front porch with the girlsin my neighborhood. Dadwas passing by with severalpieces of lumber balanced onhis shoulder and tools in hisother hand. I was dressed inone of mommy’s old dresses,as were the other girls. Dad jokingly said, “Hey, you makea cute looking girl, Bob. Toobad you weren’t born one.That would have made yourmommy happy!” I didn’tlaugh.

The “core-belief” was set inmy heart like concrete: Lifewould have been better as agirl. Dad and Mom repeatedlyreinforced their preferencefor a daughter, and theirfriends would often remarkhow much I favored Mom. Tobe like her sounded sosatisfying to me. She was soloving and gentle. I perceivedher world to be soft,perfumed, pampered andsafe.

I did everything I could tomaintain that belief, creating

the image of my idealizedwoman and routinelyescaping the incredible painof being a male by cross-dressing. Female clothing

was the object of myfantasies, and when I waswearing “Mom’s things” I feltworthwhile and affirmed.

That is true for all of us whohave become trans-gendered. It is the willfultaking on of the illusion thatbeing a member of theopposite sex is better, even ifit be for a few moments. Itserves as a copingmechanism, a means ofsurviving the day. It mostunfortunately does not stopthere, for the addictiveappetite of the beast alwaysdemands more and moremeat, to the extreme ofgender-identity suicide.

One of my journal entriesrecorded these disturbingfindings:

I thought that I could stopthe forward motion of thislifestyle. I had been labeled atransvestite by my doctor.That’s not the way things arenow. I’m getting worse bythe year! Now I amhopelessly trapped in cross-dressing every day and itconsumes all my thoughtsand plans. If I am notactually cross-dressing, I amplanning it in my mind. I eat



it, drink it, smell it all the daylong. And to top it off, mydreams are saturated with it,too!

I could only end thismadness, this compulsivedrive and energy by beingable to live as a woman on afull-time basis. That is nowall that I can think about.Castration is a recurrent,delectable fantasy. I startedout thinking that all of thiscould be controlled. That Icould simply cross over theassigned gender lines andnot be any the worse for it . .. perhaps even improved.

But, now I am no longercontent to slip in and out ofthe two roles. I have spentso much time in the illusion,I feel I am now more of ashe than a he. I no longer

have the illusion. It has me!

I have heard (and voiced)the customary disclaimers forour trans-gender conditionand our progressive self-debasing and sinful choices.A favorite one was, “Wecannot be compared toanyone else, neither can ourbehavior be characterized asaddictive, since we aretalking about core-identity,not the external influences ofsome chemical.”

Just prior to making thebreak with the illusions

inherent in the transsexualthought process, I ponderedthese questions in my journal:

Aren’t we being a bit toomelodramatic? Aren’t wemaking ourselves an elitegroup of sinners? Are we nottruly addicts, demanding ourreprehensible `drug ofchoice’ to medicate ourgnawing sense of personalworthlessness? Aren’t theconsequences too severe?Our answer is, `NO!’. . .basically because we are sosinfully addicted,compulsively driven to dowhat the immediate self-gratification demands, withlittle or no regard to theconsequences of suchactions.

But that admission and

realization didn’t immediatelytransform me into someglowing role-model ofmasculinity. It is not until wedare to face the horribleinner pain and sense ofmasculine inadequacy, alongwith the multiple sinfulchoices we have made, thathealing begins.

I had to admit that myaddictive bond in creating theillusion of the feminine wasmerely masking myunresolved inner pain (andsin) that gave me a sensethat I still controlled life. I



could be a man or womanwhenever I chose,maintaining a “falseintimacy” with mom, whileclinging to some semblance

of my God-created gender.2

“The real issue isn’t howdeeply you were wounded,but what you’ve done toprotect yourself from furtherwounds by turning to falseintimacy. The issue is alsowhether or not you’ll allowyour woundedness to preventyou from loving God andothers.”3

Sadly, the vast majority oftranssexuals are not wantingto pay the price or take therisks of putting an end to themadness. We argue, “If Igive up being able to dabblein the feminine world, thenwhat is there of value that is

left?” So most give up anyhope that their lives can everbe lastingly changed. Andthis cruel world with all of itsgodless advice and unlovingtolerance, lets the woundeddie.

My recent experience in thelumber yard was a directresult of the Lord’slongsuffering and a decade ofinch-by-inch redemptivehealing, not man-madepsychological persuasion tothink positively about myself.It is part of God’s design: tolove Him first and foremost

and to then love others asmyself.

“Receiving restorative healingis much more than simply

renewing your own efforts todo what’s right. It’s muchmore than just choosing tostop your addictivebehaviors. Without God’shelp, you can modify yourbehaviors through willpower,perhaps even stopping themfor a long period of time. Butyou’ll continue to wrestlewith internal struggles withno hope of conquering them.Sin is too strong to overcomeon your own. You mustpursue God on His terms, inbrokenness and humility,facing the sinful condition ofyour heart and inviting Godto begin healing you.”4

Healing from transgender

dysphoria is most certainly alengthy process. It doesn’tcome easily. Nor does itseem Jesus is terriblyanxious about speeding upthe arduous task ofcleansing, restoring andmaking all things new.Indeed, it would appear thatGod is relatively unconcernedabout meeting our timetablesand expectations. “Yet it isextremely important torecognize that He is neveractually late. His timetablefor action is simply differentfrom ours. And it is usuallyslower!5 But it is complete



and so very good!

A full year before the “Lumber Yard Experience” Iwas at a Leanne Payne

Pastoral Care Conference,simply there to participatethe best I could, knowingthat there yet remainedwithin me unresolvedvestiges of the past. As I waspraying, I was inwardlyaware that Someone I knewwas entering into myconscious thoughts. It wasobviously Jesus.

The scene before my mind’seye was that of the frontporch of my childhood home,where I had been playingwith my neighborhoodgirlfriend, Carol. She wasextending her baby doll tome. I was making thedecision that was to affect

the rest of my life’s choices.(I was between three andfour years of age.)

In the actual event so longago, I had gladly receivedthe doll, and with thatexchange, the mantle of thefeminine was warmlyreceived, and the masculinewas forsaken as a viableoption for me. I was like herand both of us were like ourmommies. That was good. Sovery good!

The revisited event took adifferent twist, for Jesus was

in the scene, standing besideme. I looked up into His face.There was such a calmnessand strength about Him. Hesmiled and said, “Bob, I have

something here for you. It’smuch better for you to playwith this. It’s okay to be atruck driver . . . a man. It’sokay because that’s what Iwant you to be.” He thenheld out to me a large wood(obviously homemade) redpickup truck. It was theneatest I’d ever seen. I tookit from his large hand andplaced it upon the floor inorder to play with it. I rolledit back and forth. It was veryheavy.

Jesus then began to makethe sounds of an engine andto my surprise sat downbeside me in order to sharethe fun with me. He rolled

the truck back and forth tome, encouraging me to makethe same kind of enginesounds. I did. At one pointHe was lying on His left side,getting more and more ateye level with me. His smileand laughter were beyonddescription.

Then Jesus got up andclasped my hand, saying, “Let’s go.” Carol was stillplaying with her doll. BeforeJesus and I stepped off of theporch, He turned and tookhold of my waist, lifting meabruptly above His head,



suspending me there forwhat seemed a long time.

I was able to view this fromboth within and outside of

my body. At one moment Isaw what appeared to be astill snapshot of the scene.And then, I was looking downinto the kindest face I haveever seen. His eyes werefilled with joy in me. Hisarms were so strong. Ithought, “How can He holdme in the air so long aboveHis head?” It seemed asthough His hands completelyencompassed my waist. Andthe incredible strength! Itradiated from His forearmsinto His fingertips and intomy arched body.

Then He set me down firmlyupon my feet, saying, “Comeon, let’s go for a walk.” I bent

down to pick up my red truckand took hold of His hand. Ilooked back and saw Carolstill in her feminineimaginary world, playing withher doll. She waved goodbye.

Ahead was a long sidewalk.There were large trees oneither side, providing abeautiful leafy tunnel. Iwalked with an innerconfidence that I had neverbefore known. As I looked upinto the trees, I could feelthe truck tucked close to myright side, while my left handwas securely fastened into

Christ’s firm grip. The sunwas shining and I was happy.So happy!

Thanks to Jesus’ intervention

and progressive healing, Iam more than just a survivor.I am being completed. Mymanhood is more of atangible reality every day.That is the explanation ofwhat transpired in thelumber yard. Owning andfully entering into my rightfulinheritance: manhood! Myfemale identity (and that ofany other transsexual) wasnothing other than adeceptive illusion.

Listen to one of my dearfriend’s comprehension ofthat same reality: The worstfear that I have ever had inmy life was that there wouldbe nothing left of me, that I

would somehow disappearand cease to be if I gave upthis woman that I felt wasinside of me. I know that youhave talked to me aboutthis Bob and have had to alsoovercome this same fearyourself. But I never had thecourage to actually do it.

Well, in the presence of God,I finally received the courageto face this horrible fear. Aperson who was praying withme said, `Pull the idol fromyour heart and give it toJesus.’ I was seeing Jesus onthe cross. It was a big cross,



and Jesus was big. He waseven big enough to take allof my sins. And theexpression on His faceshowed me that He was

happy to take my sins. Hewanted to take them. Hewanted to lift this burden offof me which I was no longerable to bear.

In my mind I took my handand pulled this woman out ofmy heart. When I pulled herout she was almost as big asme. It left a huge hole in mychest and my body wasalmost hollow. Then Godgave me the grace to lookinto the woman’s face beforeHe took her away. To mysurprise it was she who hadno face! Not me! It was shewho had no identity, NOT ME!She was the illusion! Then Ipushed her away toward

Jesus’ cross. She began tospin head over heels towardthe cross. Then she washurled over the shoulder ofChrist, shrinking in size, untilshe finally disappeared. Thiswas too good to be truebecause it was she whodisappeared, not me! PraiseGod!

Then, if this is possible,Jesus’ smile got even bigger!He wasn’t done with me yet.He looked down at the hugehole in my chest and fromHis heart straight to myheart came a blast of light.

Not a single burst but asteady stream. He just kepton filling me. God gave me anew identity! I am now a realperson! I am God’s son and

the more I become likeChrist, the more of a personI will become. Thank you,God!”

Let me close by quoting Dr.James Dobson from hisexcellent book, When GodDoesn’t Make Sense. He saysthat God’s heart “is especiallytender toward thedowntrodden and thedefeated. He knows yourname and He has seen everytear you have shed. He wasthere on each occasion whenlife took a wrong turn. Andwhat appears to be Divinedisinterest or cruelty is amisunderstanding at bestand a satanic lie at worst.

How do I know this to betrue? Because the Scripturesemphatically tell us so. Forstarters, David wrote, `TheLord is close to thebrokenhearted and savesthose who are crushed inspirit.’ (Psalm 34:18)

What comfort we shoulddraw from thatunderstanding. He is callingyour name to the Fathertoday, pleading your caseand describing your need.How wrong it is, therefore, toplace blame for your troubles



on the best Friend mankindever had! Regardless of otherconclusions you draw, pleasebelieve this: He is not thesource of your pain.”6

Footnotes: 1. JeffVanvonderen, Tired of Tryingto Measure Up, (Minneapolis,MN: Bethany HousePublishers, 1989), 41. 2.Harry W. Schaumburg, FalseIntimacy, (Colorado Springs,CO: Navpress, 1993), 74. 3.Ibid, 74. 4. Ibid, 75. 5.James Dobson, When GodDoesn’t Make Sense,(Wheaton, ILL: TyndaleHouse Publishers, 1993), 52-53. 6. Ibid, 236.

One Saturday a few weeksback, the Lord spoke into mySpirit that it had taken Himnearly 20 years to convinceme that He loved me. I stood

stock still over the vacuumcleaner and pondered hard atthat one. I realized it wascompletely true. It had takenall the years since I returnedto Him at the age of 31 tobelieve He loved me. For onething, I had not understoodwhat His love was. Imeasured His love by theebb and flow ofcircumstance, and indeed theOld Testament understandingof God can make a case forthis view. Thank God that’snot all we have!

One day, not that many

years ago, at a point when Iwas in deep struggle in myown life, and the love of Godseemed to laugh in my face,I read again Paul’s words: “. .

. nothing can separate mefrom the love of God in ChristJesus . . .”, whereupon helists all kinds of things, awfulthings, that I would haveinterpreted as the measuringrod of God’s love in my life.But he says, these things arethings that are part of lifethat come to everybody ingreater or lesser degrees,and have nothing to do withGod’s love, which standsfirm, undisturbed and steady,burning like an eternal flamefor me, regardless of whatmight happen in my life.

So what, then, is the love ofGod, if not freedom fromsuffering and the presence of

earthly blessing? “This is thelove of God, ” the apostlesays, “that when I was still asinner, Christ died for me.”Period. So now I see why the “nothing” of life can nevertouch this love. It isinviolable, eternal, securingmy permanent spot in myFather’s kingdomforevermore–however longthat may be! I have apermanent love-spot in myFather’s heart. Period.

Even my sin does not affectit. Even my failing Him,disappointing Him, and



everybody else–can’t jostleit. His love is there for me, just because He wants it tobe and not at all because ofmy good behavior. Though I

abandon Him, He loves mestill. Though I curse Him, Hedeflects the curse of myignorant heart and loves mestill.

God loves you. You want torun away from God and mostof all way from yourself. Sowhat? The love of God standsfirm for you. Furthermore,God relentlessly andpersistently loves you.Regardless of what you feelor fail to feel in prayer, whileyou were lost in your sins,hopeless and helpless, Jesusdied for you. Nothing youhave done, are doing, will do,can every change that. Ithappened in history, not at

the emotional whim of God’sheart. It is done. And oneday, you too will be sweptaway in awe at therealization of what Father hasdone for you.

You are His own! It will neverbe any different. Once upona time, you gave Him yourheart. Maybe you were achild and you wonder if youeven knew what you weredoing or if it “counts.” I tellyou, God collects on thecommitments of childhood.In my own case it was 22years before that

commitment revolutionizedmy life, but it did! I couldwish it had been a lotsooner; I do wish it hadbeen, but it was not.

In this dismal season, letyour roots go down deep intothe well-watered soil. Simplypermit God to love you anddeliver you and heal you. Heis. He will. No striving onyour part. And do keep thisin mind: You have not “blown” the call of God onyour life. The call is alwaysbefore you, not behind you.He calls you to Himself. Thedetails of your journey tothere may vary considerably,but the end of it is the same.Don’t worry. You belong toHim and He will take care ofHis own.

It will save you measurable

grief and detours, of course,to walk away from your ownparticular “fishing net andtax collection business” andto follow Him. That’s the real “running away” I’ve found. I,too, have struggled with thatone. Oh, just to take off!Leave husband, job, children,church, and disappear.

Some do; I understand why.But God will not let me runaway anymore, only into.Into Him. And there is wherethe true freedom is, fromme, me, me! There at last, “that body of death” is taken



away and I am a new, evernew, creation.

I recommend it!


Steps Toward Healing

by Bob

1. What does healing involvefor someone struggling withTG or GID?

An admission and awarenessthat the traditionallyaccepted therapeuticmodality is not really theanswer to one’s genderconfusion. The person has torecognize that the “one-size-fits-all” mentality of themodern

psychiatric/endocrinologist/surgical team does not fit him.

Healing begins with thedesire to become reconciledwith early, unresolvedchildhood emotional wounds;events in earlydevelopmental years whichthreatened or undermined aperson’s feelings of security,peace, warmth, comfort, anda secure sense of beingdeeply and unconditionally /uniquely loved.

Healing unfolds as a result ofdiscovering what the first

formative years of life werelike in the care of one’sparents, which led to thesecurity or insecurity of thechild. The end-purpose is not

to find fault with the parentsand blame them for all one’schoices; but rather todiscover the obviousinterruptions to one’s basictrust level and the concurrentdevelopmental structure ofone’s own sense of personalgender/sexual identity.

Healing results when youcome to terms with the “rootcauses” for your life-choices;the reasons for your firstexperimentation with clothesand activities of the oppositegender. The first andforemost restorative issueshave to do with coming toterms with, “What caused theearly childhood disruption of

basic trust, bonding with thesame-sex parent, and theseparation anxiety resultingfrom one’s insecurity withinthe family; as well as theinward view of one’s ownsexual/gender status?” Whenthe foundations of a healthyself-view are fractured in thefirst seven years of life, itresults in poor foundationsfor healthy adolescentdevelopment.

Healing occurs when you dealwith the unhealed emotionalwounds of your past; thoseinterpersonal connections







which failed; and theemotional distancing thatoccurred in the determinationto run away from theperceived source of your

emotional pain.

Healing happens when youput an end to definingyourself as “different” and “amember of the oppositegender” because of yournatural in-born temperamentand natural interests, whichcreated an inward desire todo those things which arenaturally ascribed to theopposite gender. This hasmuch more to do with one’sGod-proscribed uniquenessthan it has to do with somekind of genetical flaw.

2. What sorts of things mustsomeone struggling withthese issues accept or face

before hoping to findhealing?

You must come to terms withyour own God-givenuniqueness and personality.Shame-based thinking mustbe uprooted; dealt a death-blow. All of the painful eventsof your past must beuncovered beneath the Godlyoversight of a professionaltherapist who knows how tominister emotional healingprayer for you.

You will need to understandthat your trans-gender

thoughts, feelings, andbehaviors are your chosenmethod of escaping yourpresent reality. You arerunning away from that

which brings you pain. Yourattachment to the world ofthe opposite gender is yourway of detaching from yoursense of being rejected as aviable member of your God-proscribed gender.

You will need to admit thatyou are flawed in your inwardself-view, which gives rise tothose all-too-commonfeelings of insecurity andineptness, or disdain formembers of your owngender. In order to feelbetter about yourself, youhave adapted an earlychildhood experimentationinto a set of life-controllingbehaviors.

You will need to come toadmit that only your Creatorcan repair the emotionaldamage done. Of course Goduses people and events torestore us; to help usunderstand what we arefleeing from…and need to doin order to stop detachingfrom our own gender,resulting in inner peace.

You will need to begin toembrace and thank God foryour gender identity, notreject it.



3. Where does prayer fit intothe model for healing thatyou’ve been using with yourclients? What about healingprayer?

Prayer. This is the area whichis so confusing because wefeel like we’ve done all of theprayer needed and God’sonly consistent answer hasbeen silence. “Please takethese feelings away from me,Lord God,” we pray. Silence.Feelings persist. Silence.Actions follow. Silence. Guiltand shame trail behind.Silence. The cycle is revisitedagain and again until thefinal conclusion seems quiteapparent: Silence thenequates to, ” God’s will is forme to be a member of theopposite gender.”

Healing Prayer has been

around for a long, long time.Many prayer ministers havetried to teach God’s peoplehow to employ God’srestorative healing powersfor physical and emotionalailments. Trans-genderthoughts, feelings, andexperience seems to beamong the most resistant torespond to inner healingprayer. Those who havemodeled to us some of themost effective styles ofemotional healing prayer areLeanne Payne, Clay McLean,Mario Bergner, Ed Smith’sTheophostic Prayer Ministry,

and John Sandford’s ElijahHouse Ministries.

4. What sort of success ratehave you seen? We have

evidenced a huge successrate, nearly 80% amongthose who want to change.In order to accomplish thisrequires:

* a total devotion to facingthe truths about how thiscondition came into being inthe first place; and a totaldeparture from the post-modernists view of genderand sexuality.

* adopting the attitude thatGod, our Creator, knows ofnothing beyond Hisredemptive circle to remedy

* being entirely honest withyourself and others about

your current struggles

* making peace with yourpast; forgiving and beingwilling to be forgiven

* becoming 100% involved inlong-term, intensive Faith-Based counseling andaccountability.

* choosing to embrace yourGod-given gender, thankingGod for who you are


ge_id=309







Reasons Change Fails

1. BLAMING OTHERS FORTHE EVENTS ANDEMOTIONS.

2. BLAMING SELF: “NOTABLE!”

3. CHOOSING WRONGGOALS: TOO LOFTYEXPECTATIONS.

4. TRYING TO TAKE SHORT-CUTS.

5. NEGLECTING LITTLETHINGS. Seeing only the bigpicture

6. DOING OLD THINGS:ISOLATION, FEELINGS,THOUGHTS, ACTIONS.

7. NOT ACCEPTING ORGIVING FORGIVENESS.

8. ILLUSION OF SUCCESS: “I’M HEALED!”

9. MAKING IT HARDER THANIT REALLY IS.

10. QUITTING TOO SOON!!


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Am I Cured of

Transsexuality?

by Bill

Am I cured? Will I ever becured? What would a curelook like; and what would itbe like to walk in dailyfreedom from my old desires

to dress like and live as awoman? These are all greatquestions.

When I first came to the LordI was 21 years old. I hadbeen cross dressing since Iwas four years old. I alwaysfelt safe when I was dressedup. It was like a securityblanket. As I reachedadulthood I then becamevery confused about who Iwas and who I wasbecoming. You see I hadalways had a strongattraction towards womenand was very much a man – but I found myselfincreasingly enjoying wearingwomen’s clothes. You can call

me a “Transvestite,” orwhatever other term youwant to catalogue me by. Thefact is that the more I worewomen’s clothes and themore I began watchingtranssexual pornography, themore I was losing touch withmy true-self. In fact, I finallyreached a point where I nolonger had sexual feelings forwomen. They were allstripped away from me. Iwas also becoming more likea woman, whether I wantedto or not.

At the age of twenty-one I







realized I had to dosomething. I had to get it allfigured out somehow. Was Igoing to get a sex changesurgery and thereby begin

living full-time as a woman?After all, then I would beliving for the first time in mylife as the “authentic me.” Or,was I going to find somemagic cure that would finallysolve my problems and makeme whole? This was back in1990 so there was nointernet or much otherinformation for me to go on.I began to seek God for theanswers and the possiblecure.

I thought I grew up a “normal” boy with all theattendant masculine andheterosexual desires (apartfrom the acts of crossdressing). But the thing that

bothered me so was my lossof the attraction towardswomen. In 1992 I gave mylife to Jesus Christ, askingHim to help me get this allfigured out once and for all. Iread many good bookscovering many relatedsubjects. One of the best was “Homosexual No More.” Inthis book I realized thingsabout my “true self” I hadnever before known. Andwho I was made by God tobe. I stopped cross dressing,throwing away all of myprivate stash of women’sclothing.

I began to learn more andmore about myself. I wasalways a misfit in school. Ivery rarely, if ever, receivedpositive attention from my

father. I was always the onewho got picked last for theteam. My earliest memoriesare that of an absent fatherand a drunk mother. As Ichild, I always felt safe andsecure when dressed inwomen’s things.

As I worked through my pastmy true sexual/genderidentity began to berestored. My heterosexualdesires for and attraction towomen returned. My fatherand I became reconciled toeach other. Things began tocome together. I then begandating and eventuallymarried. I reached a pointwhere I had not cross

dressed for over ten years.Imagine that! A decade.Wow!

Then after several years ofmarriage and two children, Idecided to try on some of mywife’s undergarments. I wasunder so much stress andsimply did not know how tohandle my emotions. Iinformed my wife of what Ihad done and shortlythereafter began to seek helpfrom the internet, finallytalking to Jay. He has helpedme to come into some newunderstanding about what is



really going on. Actually Jayhas just pointed me in theright direction and with hishelp and the Lord’s, I havefinally gained lots of new

insights. I have it figuredout.

When I become stressed Ihave the desire to reach outfor my old security blanket. Iam a survivalist! I am justlooking to make it to the nextday. I reached a point towhere I simply just gave inand did as I pleased. This ofcourse didn’t make me feelany better, except for theimmediate and very short-lived, momentary relief.Afterwards, I felt nothing butincreasing shame and worse.

You see, I am a man. I wasborn a man. I will always bea man. Crossdressing is only

an escape to a fantasy make-believe land. It’s not real andthat is what always drew meto it. But I now choose to livein reality.

I now choose to takeresponsibility for my actionsand I know that the choice ismine to make. Always mine.Will I choose to live in myescapist fantasy, or will Ichoose reality? I now chooseto take full responsibility formy actions, knowing that thechoice is always before me. Icannot have the “best of bothworlds.” If I choose to feed

the fantasy, the worse itgets.

When I first started dressingagain, it started small. “I will

just wear the pantyhose,” Isaid. But the more I crossedthe gender line, the worseand more involved it allbecame once more. Ieventually reached a pointwhere I wanted to go outinto the public fully dressedas a woman. Seeing thisclearly for what it was, Ielected to get some help andheal myself of this awfulinvasion of insanity andbecome healed and whole.And that’s what I have andam doing.

I now no longer dress. Will Iever struggle with theinclinations to dress again? IfI do, does that then mean

that I am not cured? I havecome to understand that Iwill indeed be periodicallytempted to return to crossdressing. It would be stupidof me to think I would notwant to return to it when inthe midst of tensions orsome awful time in my life.But that doesn’t matter tome for I have chosen a muchhealthier way to live my life.

Am I cured? That dependsupon the steady choices Imake for myself and what Iam going to do in the midstof temptation. I have to



choose for myself what I amgoing to do. I choose to walkin freedom. You can too!


ge_id=301

Medical Research

by Ken McGuire

It is vitally important thatChristians understand thetruth about sexuality issues.Political Correctness hasclouded many of these issuesto the point that it is almostimpossible to get to thetruth.

For the sake of peoplesuffering gender confusion itis vital that we not only knowthe truth but also that theChurch offers help and

compassion to sufferers.Only the truth can set themfree.

Transsexualism – Part one

The belief thattranssexualism is a biologicalcondition for which sex-change surgery is the onlytreatment is a total sham.

This is the first part of athree part series ontranssexualism in which wewill expose some astonishingfacts behind this deception.

There is no doubt that

transsexuals suffer frompsychologically-basedgender-role distress,personality disorders, sexualdeviancies and other mental

illnesses. The psychologicaland situational factors whichcause transsexualism havebeen known and welldocumented for decades.

During the 1950s and 1960s,however, US endocrinologistHarry Benjamin theorizedthat there was a subgroup oftranssexuals apart from themain – “true transsexuals” – who had been born with abrain of one sex and a bodyof another. He speculatedthat this was due to somekind of hormonal fluctuationsin utero and that it could beresolved surgically, byphysically altering thepatient’s body to resemble

that of the opposite sex.

It was also supposed that the “true transsexual” couldeasily be distinguished fromthe mentally ill because,again in theory, a “truetranssexual” would describefeelings of having belongedto the opposite sex frombirth, of having experiencedgreat distress during pubertyand a persistent discomfortin their biological gender roleconsistently throughout life.

Although these ideas werealmost universally rejected









by mental healthprofessionals and despite thecomplete lack of any kind ofscientific or medical evidencein support of such theories, a

few practitioners in variousplaces around the world – including Australianpractitioners in bothMelbourne and Sydney – commenced clandestineexperiments on theirpatients. One suchpractitioner stated that: “Thefirst male-to-female surgeryin Melbourne was cloaked inthe deepest secrecy. It wasthe late 1960s and the publicwould have been in uproar.The surgeon and his staffoperated on Sundays so hiscolleagues would not knowand the whole procedure waskept firmly underground.”

Sex-change specialists

published some initial follow-up studies that minimizedcomplications and gaveglowing accounts of post-operative adjustment andthen used these to persuaderesponsible authorities toestablish “properlysupervised programs”.

In 1969 the Melbourne teamestablished their sex-changeexperiments under the guiseof a “TranssexualConsultative Service” (TCS).The University of MelbourneDepartment of Psychiatryand the Mental Health

Authority endorsed theservice, which was located atRoyal Park Hospital andfunded by the Office ofPsychiatric Services (OPS) of

the Department of HealthVictoria (HDV).

Medical practitioners andnursing staff who becameaware of what was going onquestioned whetherperforming the surgery wasmorally acceptable andwhether or not it was adangerous collusion withmental illness. Many of thoseinitially willing to assist thesex-change specialists soonbecame disillusioned andceased further involvement.

Consequently, sex-changeexperiments in Australia hadto be moved from onemedical facility to another

until, by the late 1970s,there were no medicalestablishments left that werewilling to host the sex-change surgeries.

Elsewhere in the world, moreproblems with the sex-change experiments werebeginning to surface. Post-surgical complications werebeing reported in over half ofthe operations, includingbreast cancer in hormonally-treated males; the need forsurgical reduction of bloatedlimbs resulting fromhormones; repeated



construction of neo-vaginalopenings; infections of theurinary system and rectum;hemorrhaging; loss of skingrafts; post-operative

suicides and suicideattempts; persistent post-operative depression,psychosis, and phobia;sexual dysfunctions; and pre-and post- operativeprostitution, oftennecessitated by the high costof treatment.

The patients themselveswere often taken by surpriseby the severe post surgicalpain associated with thegenital mutilations. Manypatients were distressed thatthey did not come out of theanesthetic with the kind of “twice born” euphoricexperience that had beenglowingly reported by sex-

change enthusiasts. Somepatients questioned whetherthe surgery had beensuccessful at all whilst othersexpressed early feelings ofpost surgical doubts andregrets.

Following surgery, thepatient’s expectations of animmediately blissful, excitingand romance-filled life wasreplaced with the reality of anumber of legal, social,economic and emotionalproblems. Many post-operative transsexualsattempted to solve these

problems by demandingmore and more cosmeticsurgery in the hope of finallybecoming the opposite sex,but never quite getting there.

In 1979 the largest “sex-change” program in the USAat John Hopkins was closedfollowing an outcome studyby Meyer and Reter whichconcluded that sex-changesurgery had actuallyconferred no objectiveadvantage to their patients.

Then sex-change specialistswere shocked by anotherdiscovery: their patients hadroutinely and systematicallylied about their life historiesin order to match theprevailing theories about “true transsexualism”.

As it turned out, the kind of

history that sex-changespecialists had expected fromtrue transsexuals was rarelyencountered in practice. Theconcept of a “truetranssexual” was abandonedand the medical profession’sworst fears about the sex-change experiments hadbeen confirmed – collusionwith mental illness.

In part two of this series, wewill expose how sex-changespecialists turned thissituation around and how theMelbourne team managed toestablish a government



funded sex-change clinic atMonash Medical Centre. Wewill also uncover someshocking consequences.

Ken is happy to dialogue withanyone regarding theinformation in this article orany transgender issue.

Please contact Ken at:[email protected]

Transsexualism – Part 2

In part one of this series wesaw how the concept of a “true transsexual” wasdiscredited following thediscovery that sex-changeexperiments had beenconducted on mentally illpatients who had lied abouttheir histories in order to fitthe belief that transsexualsare born that way.

Despite such setbacks, sex-change specialists around theworld maintained that sex-change surgery was still thebest means of coping with anestimated 10% oftranssexuals who remainedunresponsive topsychotherapy, irrespectiveof the underlying cause.

In Australia, the Melbournebased sex-change teampetitioned the government tore-establish a clinic thatwould provide a service for abroad range of gender

identity issues and problems,not just transsexualism. Theyargued that there was anurgent need for research intothe cause and treatment of

the condition and that thiswas best done in a publicsetting.

In 1988, the Australiangovernment acquiesced,establishing the MonashMedical Centre GenderDysphoria Clinic on theproviso that any decisions bythe team to administer sex-change procedures wouldhave to be approved by anindependent advisorycommittee.

The advisory committeeestablished to oversee theclinic fell apart soon after itwas formed and MonashMedical Centre refused to

host any sex-changeprocedures. Control of theclinic was given to apsychiatrist on the sex-change team who arrangedfor her secretary to attendthe clinic two days a week.The secretary appears tohave played the role of apsychiatrist at the hospital,accepting patient referrals,requesting medical andhormonal tests to beconducted, summarizingclinical material,documenting her ownconclusions about thediagnosis and condition of

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]



patients as if these werematters of fact and thenreferring patients on to the “private practice” of variousteam members for

treatment. Unsupervised inthis way, the Melbourne teamwas able to use the publichospital as a front for theircontinued sex-changeexperiments.

Internationally, sex-changeenthusiasts set out toconvince the world thattranssexuals were born thatway and cannot change. Thiswas accomplished throughthe misuse andmisunderstanding ofscientific studies, politicalactivism, litigation andmanipulation of the media.

It is believed that geneticfactors may predispose

individuals to a number ofmental disorders, anxiety,depression and substanceabuse. It does not followfrom this that people are “born that way” or that theycannot be helped withappropriate psychotherapy orpsychotropic medications. Yetthis is exactly what sex-change enthusiasts haverepeatedly claimed about thefindings of genetic studiesinto gender identitydisorders.

Two such studies werepublished last year. One of

these studies found that aparticular gene in Male toFemale transsexuals wasslightly longer on averagethan that found in the

general male population. Theother study found that acompletely different genevariant was slightly moreprevalent amongst Female toMale transsexuals than it wasin the general femalepopulation.

Even overlooking the smallsample size of the studies,the fact that the results haveyet to be verified, and theuncertainty as to the rolethat these genes might[actually] play in thedevelopment oftranssexualism, one is stillleft with the fact that thegene variants in both studiesare present in nearly half of

the general population, andare absent in more than halfof the transsexuals studied.

In other words, if there is alink between these genes andtranssexualism, then it is atbest an extremely weak one,which would lead goodanalysts to conclude thattranssexualism is almostentirely due to psychologicalor situational factors, withgenetics perhaps contributingno more than a slightpredisposing role for someindividuals.



The way in which sex changeenthusiasts have misusedsuch studies to promulgatetheir views is deceptivelysimple. Typically, a reporter

with a vested interest obtainsan opinion from one of theresearchers that theirfindings [could] “support abiological basis for genderidentity” together with astatement from a pro sex-change specialist that theybelieve transsexualism is abiological condition. Add tothis mix a comment from atranssexual about how theyhave always felt that wayfrom birth, and the reporterpublishes the article under aheadline such as “Transsexualism is in thegenes”. Thus all those whoread this article aredeceitfully convinced becausethe newspaper said so and

newspapers don’t tell lies!

Similar tactics have beenregularly used to promotethe legalization of illicit drugsand the normalization ofhomosexuality andlesbianism.

Using this kind of deceptioncombined with public apathy,sex-change enthusiasts havemanaged to push through anumber of legislativechanges over the years thatgrant transsexuals legalrecognition as the opposite totheir birth sex and even

special “anti-discrimination”rights. These new laws havethen been successfullyenforced through litigation,often encouraged by ‘Equal

Opportunity Commissions’.

Peculiarities in the law haveeffectively prevented anyoneother than sex-change ‘specialists’ from givingexpert witness. In theabsence of any views to thecontrary, the courts haveinvariably ruled in favor ofthe theories held by sex-change specialists and these judgments are then cited bysex-change enthusiasts asfurther proof of their beliefs.

Today it is psychotherapy andnot sex-change surgerywhich is consideredinappropriate. As forAustralia, nearly every

patient referred to theMonash Clinic over the pasttwenty years has been placedon their sex-change programand I could find no record ofMonash treating anyone withpsychotherapy as opposed togender reassignment afterreviewing the documents.

Consequently, a significantnumber of patients drop outpart way through the sex-change process and manypost-operative patients areleft with a body that they feelis no longer recognizable asmale or female because,



despite all the rhetoric, it isstill impossible to actuallymake a man a woman or viceversa.

Sex-change specialists,thriving on the convictionthat people are “born thatway”, have nothing further tooffer. Left with a sense ofbetrayal by the professionalsthey had turned to for help,and faced with the prospectof living an isolated andlonely life on the outskirts ofsociety without any realpossibility of marriage andfamily, too many find suicideto be their only remainingoption.

In the final part of this threepart series ontranssexualism, we will lookat the true cause andappropriate treatment of this

psychological condition.

Transsexualism – Part 3

In the first two parts on thisseries on transsexualism, wesaw how transsexualism is apsychological condition andthat sex-change operationsare both inappropriate andineffective in the long run. Inthis, the third and final partof the series, we answer thequestion as to what theactual cause oftranssexualism is and how itcan be treated.

The psychodynamic routes togender dysphoria (discomfortwith gender role) aredifferent for boys than theyare for girls and they do not

necessarily all occur inchildhood. Invariably, there isa complex interplay betweendifferent psychological andsituational factors whichcause a discomfort with, fearof, or rejection of, one’sbiological sex and acorresponding desire to bethe opposite sex. Over time,cross-sex wishes develop intocross-sex fantasies andfeelings which culminate intothe belief that one should beor really is the opposite sex.

Whilst transsexualism issometimes associated withmental illness such asschizophrenia, transvestism,body dysmorphia or post-

traumatic stress disorder, it ismore usual to see genderidentity issues in the contextof personality disorders,often the result of childhoodabuse or trauma or, inextreme cases, as a form ofdissociative identity disorderconsisting of a dualmale/female persona.

Sexual abuse featuresprominently in the history ofsevere transsexualism. Girlsmay use a cross-genderidentity as a form of self-protection against furtherabuse or it may arise as a



form of “identification withthe abuser”. Boys may sufferfrom confusion about sexualorientation following sexualabuse and this confusion can

spill over into genderidentity.

Transsexuals often entertainfalse ideas about genderroles and what it means tobe a man or a woman. Theseideas stem frominappropriate or absent sex-role models in childhood andsocial constructs and result ingender role discomfort orconfusion. These feelings areexacerbated when the child’srole models put each otherdown in a verbally abusiveway.

Girls are more inclined toreject their gender role insocieties where women are

marginalized and devalued.Girls are also more inclinedtowards cross gender wisheswhere men are overly valuedor held in high regard.Daughters who witness theirmother being repeatedlyverbally and/or physicallyabused by males may takeupon themselves theexpressed negativity towardswomen, resulting in anegative self image and fearof womanhood which theysee as weakness and theobject of abuse.

Boys may reject their own

masculinity because ofnegative male role modelsand experience feelings ofdiscomfort at the thought ofgrowing up to become a

man. Boys who do not enjoyor are not good at perceivedmale activities such as sportmay develop a negative self-image. They may also takeupon themselves the title of “girl” or “sissy” because ofteasing at school or at home.

The absence of appropriateopposite-sex role models forboth boys and girls can alsoresult in a degree ofuncertainty and insecurityabout their own sexualidentity as well as avoidanceor lack of comfort with theopposite sex. This is oftenthe cause ofhomosexual/lesbian feelingtoo.

Daughters of divorced orabandoned mothers maystep in to fill the role of theabsent father, often beingencouraged by their mothersfor their “masculine” traits.

For boys, the absence of amale role model may leavethem feeling awkwardamongst same-sex piers.Later, as men, they may beinadequately prepared forthe role of husband andfather, leading to feelings offailure and discomfort in themale role. Mentally disturbed



or absent mothers canlikewise leave girls feelinginadequate and inappropriatein their gender role.

Sexual confusion and samesex attraction can lead totranssexualism where thereare highly negative attitudestowards homosexuality. Inthis case, the cross genderidentity is used to justifytheir same sex attraction asbeing heterosexual andtherefore acceptable tothemselves and others.

In less severe cases,confusion about gender cansimply arise out ofadjustment disorders ofadolescence or form part of amore generalized identityconfusion, in which questionssuch as “who am I?” and “where do I fit in?”

encompass the question “What gender am I?”

Generally, cross genderfeelings and behaviors arenot persistent throughout lifebut manifest as a copingmechanism during stressfullife events. Treatment oftranssexualism involves theresolution of the underlyingcontributing factors. Initially,explorative therapy isvaluable in order to obtainrelevant history and toidentify any co-morbidpsychopathology. Those witha background of severe

abuse, especially sexualabuse may be treated orreferred for treatment forthat abuse. Those withpersonality disorders,

disassociative disorders andother psychopathology canlikewise undergo treatmentfor those disorders. In thecase where gender identitydisorders exist in the contextof broader identity problemsor issues, the patient willbenefit from exploring issuesrelated to self-identity withintherapy. Psychotropicmedications may beprescribed during treatmentto facilitate therapy.

Socially, persons with genderidentity disorders will benefitfrom associations withhealthy male and female rolemodels wherein any wrong orinappropriate ideas they hold

about sex-roles can bechallenged and corrected.

The greatest barrier totreatment lies with thepatient themselves whorefuse to accept anyresponsibility for their genderdysphoria and are unwillingto question the origin of theircondition or explore itscauses or development orentertain any attempts tochange it.

Sadly, another barrier toproper help today is theattitude of society to simply



affirm and comply with apersons wishes to ‘be theother sex’. This has lead toauthorities allowing veryyoung people who are gender

confused to affirm theirfeelings and start treatmentto change at a very youngage, often well beforematurity and possibly evenbefore puberty.

Ultimately, transsexualssuffer from the sameproblem that we all face – welive in a fallen world. None ofus are as God intended. Weall face choices between rightand wrong, we all face thingswe do not like aboutourselves. Even Paul foundhimself doing what he did notwant to do. It is our responsethat matters. We can attemptto justify our wrong feelings,desires and actions or we can

turn to God through his SonJesus Christ and allow him totransform us into the personGod created us to be,including, in the case oftranssexuals, bringing themback to sexual wholeness.

Yet, we need to understandthat healing can be a longand hard road – both for thepatient, their family andthose assisting them. It isalso difficult for Christians toknow how to respond whenconfronted with suchsituations, so we havedecided we need to include a

Part 4 – “The Christianresponse to a person whopresents with GenderIdentity Disorder or crossdressing”


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Our Friend, the Enemy

NOTE: The following is anexcerpt from a letter to aman who is in the process ofmaking a break with the self-destructive sexual addictioncalled transsexualism. I hopeit will help clarify somethings in your heart andmind.

I have spent quite a bit oftime praying over your letterof January 14th and yourquestions. I want at all times

to be entirely honest in mycommunication with you,holding out to you HOPE forresolution, but the realitythat it doesn’t come quickly,cheaply, or within the contextof isolation.

That is why I am so pleasedto learn that you havediscovered a church thatministers to such needs asyour own. I am anxious tofind out the name of thecontact person in thatoutreach for future reference.Breaking the secret is such alarge part of the overall







healing process. I wouldencourage you to persist infinding those whom you cantrust with your inner pain . . .and then let all the junk spill

out.

Such a group (or individual)is not just there to be theretainer of our “garbage,” butto be a daily resource forprayer, input, coursecorrection and, in a realsense, “Jesus with skin on.” They can be the ones towhom you can turn forencouragement and personalaccountability when temptedto do what you know is not inyour best interest. It’samazing how the nuclearwarhead of lust is so easilydiffused by a simpletelephone call to someonewho knows all about us. Ithelps so much to be able to

say, “Hey, I am in big troublein my mind right now . . .how about agreeing in prayerfor me?” Accountability is sovital to any success!

I heard once that “Sin carriesyou further than you everwanted to go. You pay a pricefar more than you wanted topay. And you stay muchlonger than you intended tostay!” That’s especially truewith you and me . . . andothers like us!

You and I have very similarhistories in our search for

help. It is not an easy thingto find the help we need,because it takes time and asort of “plodding along” inthat tedious, humiliating and

sometimes frustrating thingcalled RECOVERY. As Dr.Boyd Luter puts it in hisbook, Looking Back, MovingOn

“The hardest part of thisprocess (of healing pasthurts) was admitting that Icouldn’t do it alone. Asubstantial part of my lifewas interned within me, andI didn’t really have a clue tounlocking that internal vaultin search of answers.Through the gracious help ofcolleagues, I was able toreceive assistance from a fewkey individuals whoencouraged me to unearthmy early experiences and

helped draw out a route mapfor the recovery journeyahead . . . So, at the sametime that I was digging downinto my past to identify theissues that had beenimpacting me, I was diggingdown into Scriptures with ateam of others to identifyhow the Bible spoke to thoseissues.”1

Dr. Luter continued to say, “Recovery is the comebackprocess from an unhealthyevent, relationship, orbehavioral pattern thatcontinues to impact a



person’s life in negativeways.”2 That’s what you andI are involved in. And there’slots of events, people andbehaviors that we need to

more effectively deal with,preferably with others whocan and will stand with us inour quest for sexual-identitywholeness.

A good friend of minerecently told me, “Jay, theentire strategy of Satan is tolure you and those you workwith into a disinterest in yourdestiny in God; to keep yourfocus upon the yourself andthe ever-pressing immediate,not the future God hasplanned for you.”

You may have a copy of TheBest of Peter Marshall,written by his wife,Catherine. If so, pick it up

and read his classic sermonentitled, “Our Friend, TheEnemy.” He parallels the lifeof Samson to our own,asserting that God’s purposesfor Samson were far moresplendid than he realized.Peter Marshall said ofSamson,

For any of us . . . thetemptation is to putourselves first, at the centerof life, to play at being God.`I want what I want.’ Mywill–or God’s will. In thiscase, God had a great planfor Samson: “He shall begin

to deliver Israel out of thehand of the Philistines.”(Judges 13:5) More thanthat, he was meant to be aNazirite . . . His body was to

be kept clean of strong drinkand sensual indulgence . ...No razor was ever to touchhis head. But the human willis always free. God will forceno man to obey Him, nor willHe shield any fromtemptation. The sin is not inbeing tempted but inyielding. This is ourbattleground, where everyhuman being faces a decisionbetween God and the devil.

The devil came to Samson ina woman’s guise; he oftenhas and he often does. SoSamson lost his first battlewith temptation–and we canbe sure that it was a battle.For God, having blessed

Samson with unusual gifts,needed him. There had to bea tremendous battle within,particularly that first time.But after the first giving-in totemptation, our defenses areweaker the next time. Wehave handed over our wills tothe Evil Power, fraternizedwith him like the friend hepretends to be. He has woncontrol. His sly suggestionsinfiltrate. . .then contaminate. . .then dominate.

And so the man who with hisbare hands had torn a lionlimb from limb was victim of



a snakebite in the tall grassof sensual indulgence. Theargument that desire alone issufficient excuse for conductis a philosophy as old as sex.

The unbridling of passion. ..the exaltation of sexualpleasures torn from thecontext of life and worshipedas the god of happiness–thisrationale has been given afresh Freudian face in ourcentury; otherwise there isnothing modern about it.

The temptation is always topurchase popularity by joining the crowd around thebargain counters of hell,when in exchange for anirrecoverable, fragile,precious thing–purity–thedevil will offer cheap,glittering baubles with whichhis hooks are baited.3

Excellent material, wouldn’tyou say? If you haven’t readthe book, it’s time toseriously consider doing so.He gives a great deal moreinsight than what I havespace to include in this letter.

You said that you were notexpecting me to give you a “formula,” some magicalprescription to provide thecure-all remedy. Good! CauseI cannot! All I can do is offerto you those things that arehelpful to me (and others) inour ongoing recoveryprocess.

Here are some things youmust do ASAP for yourrecovery: 1. Empty your soulof all anger with God. 2.Make a daily commitment to

open everything aboutyourself to God and thepeople He sends your way.3. Employ battle strategieswhen temptations come yourway, for they surely do andwill! (We have been soaccustomed to laying downour battle gear, succumbingat the slightest suggestion,and forsaking the Lord’s wayof obedience, for theimmediate, compulsive drivefor immoral means of self-gratification) 4. Purpose toknow Jesus better and loveHim with all your heart. 5.Become firmly committed toan accountability group. 6.Call upon others when firstexperiencing temptation. 7.

Keep yourself out ofsituations that lendthemselves to stirring up oldthoughts and feelings. Ofthis drive for immediatesatisfaction, Peter Marshallsays:

But the truth is that the devilhas no bargains. “Take whatyou want, Samson. We cansettle up later.” One of thedevil’s tricks is this: When wechoose evil, usually we getwhat we want at once andpay for it afterward. Whenwe choose good we have topay for it first before we get



it. Most of us have found thisout with as simple a matteras examinations in school. Ifyou chose good grades and adegree with honor, you had

to pay months ago with hardstudy, the giving up of somepleasure or recreation. But ifyou chose to have a goodtime, you began that longago, and you have had yourfun. You did not pay then,but you are paying now inyour frantic, last-minuteboning for your exams, andyour paying is not over yet.There will be further deferredpayments later in your life.

Make no mistake about it.This Evil Personality is veryreal and very subtle. He isreal to me; I know him well.He wants to persuade us tochoose the things that we donot have to pay for right

away. Usually they are cheapand sordid things. “You wantit,” the devil says. “Charge it.I understand. I’m yourfriend. Take what you want.”

But the bills always comedue. And what is more, theyare not all presented to you.Payments must also be madeby those close to you, boundto you through all eternity byties of blood and bonds oflove.4

Well, I have taken enough ofyour time in this exchange. Iknow that you can make it

through all of this stuff. Weare in this together. I amanything but perfect orwithout temptation, but I amlearning what it takes to stay

on the right course, doingthe correct things, makingthe right decisions. I amalways growing in my selfunderstanding andcomprehending more of whatGod has for me, which isalways good! (Jeremiah29:11) I am also incrediblyaware of my weaknesses andvulnerabilities.

With that, I am also dailycommitted to traverse thisthing called “recovery,” not just for myself . . .but forGod’s purposes. And for you.

I am glad to have youwalking beside me!

Footnotes: 1. Dr. Boyd Luter,Looking Back, Moving On,(Colorado Springs: Navpress,1993), 15. 2. Ibid., 19 3.Catherine Marshall, The Bestof Peter Marshall, (New York:Zondervan Publishing, 1983),246-247. 4. Ibid., 247-248.


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My Pornography Addiction

My first exposure to anythingof a sexually explicit naturecame when I was in 5th







grade when my next-doorneighbor showed me one ofhis father’s Playboymagazines. Although welooked at it for no more than

a minute, I remember itbeing a strange andfascinating experience. I justdidn’t have the resources toprocess what was before myeyes. Over the next fewyears, though, as myhormones kicked in and mydesire for the opposite sexincreased, I began lookingthrough every women’smagazine, clothing catalog,etc. for provocative images. Ialso began to use the TV—inmy house I had free reign towatch whatever andwhenever—to seek outsexual stimulation. These “hunting and gathering”rituals were laying thefoundation for an approach

to sexuality based on fantasyand control.

By the time my early teenyears came I knew that whatI was doing was wrong. Iaccepted Christ around thistime, but there was noevidence of transformation inmy thought life and behaviorin this area. The ritual of “acting out” had become analmost daily experience. Withmuch trepidation, Iapproached my parents andtold them what I was doing.It was a gut wrenching andhumiliating experience for

me. I was so afraid of whatthey might say, but insteadof coming down hard on memy parents told me thatwhat I was doing was a

normal part of growing up. Ifelt relieved, but confused.

With the “normalcy” of mybehavior verified by myparents, I continued to actout sexually, though in theback of my mind I stillwondered if what I was doingwas right. As high schoolcame, my fantasy worlddeepened and I feltincreasingly powerless. Aboutthis time I also found a stashof porn magazines thatexposed me to material I wasquite uncomfortable with.There was now no doubt thatwhat I was doing was sinful,but it was beyondconsideration that I was

going to tell my parents oranyone else any more aboutwhat I was doing.

So, when I went away tocollege I took my big secretwith me. Life at college wasactually an improvement forme, as much of my access tomaterials was cut off. I stillfound ways to act out on mysexual desires, but my studyresponsibilities, socialactivities, and shared livingquarters meant feweropportunities. However, whenI went home that summer Ifound that my family had for





the first time bought acomputer, which introducedme to the world of pornbinging on the Internet.

In college I also met theyoung lady who wouldeventually become my wife.When we were dating Ishared with her about myaddiction, but didn’t do agreat job of communicatinghow serious and deep it was.Several months after wewere married I reopened theissue of my struggle with herand this time made sure sheunderstood the true depth ofmy problem. We didn’t tellanyone else and the two ofus tried to tackle this issuewith God’s help. We didn’tmake much headway.

A couple years later wepurchased our first home PC.

The rationale was that itwould be a great tool for usein graduate school. While itwas indeed helpful for doingresearch and preparingpapers, the acquisition washorrible for my problem withporn. Now the binging beganin earnest—four, five, and sixhour marathons often deepinto the night, or all daywhile my wife was at work.Days when I didn’t haveclass were open to study orwhatever else I chose, whichoften turned out to bebinging on porn. I just keptlooking and searching until I

had worn myself out trying tosatisfy my lustful appetite. Ifully gave myself over to mydepraved mind and let theenemy of my soul have his

way with me.

By the following Fall, my wifehad rightfully become veryimpatient with me. We haddecided that I needed to seea Christian counselor aboutmy problem, but money wasan issue so we kept putting itoff. The church we attendedat the time was dysfunctionaland struggling, so there waslittle aid or refuge there. Itwas still my wife and I tryingto fight this battle alone. Iwas a mess.

The next Spring, after aparticularly stressfulsemester marked by frequentbinging, I told my wife that

I’d reached a breaking pointand that at the term’s end I’dseek whatever help I couldfind. This resulted in mewalking into the office of thedirector of student life andtelling her about myproblem. This was one of themost difficult things I’ve everdone. I didn’t know what toexpect. I suspected theymight expel or suspend me.That would have been fair. Icouldn’t have argued withsuch a decision. “Well God,here I go…”

I walked out of the office



stunned. I wasn’t expelled. Iwasn’t suspended. She didn’tgive me a tongue-lashing orshame me. Instead, sheacknowledged the

seriousness of the problem,thanked me for my honesty,and told me that the schoolwould provide eight freecounseling sessions with alocal counselor. What’s this?No flogging? No publichumiliation? Some of mychains fell to the floor thatday. God had broken medown and brought me to thepoint where I could donothing but admit my sin andmy helplessness. And, whenI voiced what He had shownme about myself to another,He responded with mercyand grace. Wow.

A few days later I went tomeet with the man whose

card and number they hadgiven me. It felt so good to just let it flow and tell Bobthe secret I’d been carryingfor fifteen years. The powerof secret and hidden sin wasbroken that day and Godunleashed His grace in mylife. I remember feeling as ifI was operating in a bubbleof grace for at least a month.I knew that the tide hadturned in the battle for mysoul. Praise God. More linksof the chain were broken. Icontinued to meet with Bobfor the next year and then asneeded thereafter.

The Saturday following myinitial meeting with Bob Iattended a men’saccountability group that hehad started. The circle of

confession grew as I sharedmy story with these men. Forthe next three and a halfyears I was there most everySaturday morning, meetingwith other Christian men whowere at various stages in thebattle against enslavingsexual sin. Some grew ingrace while others droppedout. It wasn’t a perfectgroup, but it was certainly ameans of grace in my fill thatI cherish. I still value manyfriendships that began there.

But though the tide hadturned, I wasn’t out of thewoods yet. In fact, in someways the worst was yet tocome as I began to really

face my problem. At Bob’sencouragement my wife andI began the serious businessof setting up boundaries andcreating a haven of purity athome. Just a few monthsafter starting counseling,though, I crossed an agreedupon boundary more thanonce. It resulted in greatstress and alienation in ourmarriage and was one of themost lonely and desolatetimes of our married life.

We worked hard to “pornproof” the house – we lockedup the TV, got rid of all



women’s magazines andcatalogs, and took themodem out of the computer.This would last for a while,but eventually I’d find a

reason to justify putting themodem back in. I found thatall the work to “porn proof”the house didn’t matter aslong as the more radicalproblem of a corrupt heartwent unaddressed. Mattersdid improve, however, astime went on and I learnedfrom Bob and the Scripturesthose habits and investmentsthat make for purity.Sometimes it was weeks or afew months between binges,but the addiction still had afoothold in my heart and ourhome. Though I wasrelatively free, I had therecurring thought that “therehas to be greater freedomthan this available in Christ.”

From where I stand today Isee that part of my problemwas that I’d bought in to theidea that addiction would besomething I would strugglewith for the rest of my lifeand that I could never reallyshake this core identificationas an addict. Sadly, I wasselling the freedom of thegospel short andunderestimated thetransforming grace availableto us in Christ. I lacked theconfidence that God couldbring about the kind ofliberation from sin that He

promises us in theScriptures. So, over the nextfew years I went through acycle of relapse, crisis,growth, then plateau in

which the duration betweenrelapse was growing—evento four and five months—butthe power of sin was notreally broken.

When we moved from thearea where Bob and thesupport group were a fewyears later, I knew it wouldbe important to link up witha church, counselor, orministry so that I would notenter into total relapse.Unfortunately, we had movedto a more rural area andafter a couple months ofsearching I began to see thatlocal options were notavailable. As moving-relatedstress began to increase, I

ended up binging on pornthree times within the sameweek. I couldn’t believe whatwas happening, but it wasGod’s way of showing methat He still had much workto do with me, that I hadn’t “arrived” as I had so proudlyassumed. I found myselfdesperate for deep freedomand wanting to be done withthis sin for good. But how?

I had catalogued in my minda website that I haddiscovered at a time whenmy need didn’t seem sogreat. I had some other



quarrels with their approach,so I’d put it aside for thetime being. However, in mynew situation I wasdesperate for help. Also,

there was one thing I noticedabout their approach thenthat I had not forgotten inthe interceding months—their utter confidence in Godto truly liberate people fromthe bondage of enslaving sin.Isn’t this what I was dyingfor? Even more, isn’t thiswhat I believed the Bibletaught? After putting it off afew days, I enrolled in theiron-line course.

Guess what happened? Godshowed up! God kept HisWord! From the verybeginning God used theScriptures, the coursematerials, and e-mailexchanges with a

understanding andencouraging mentor to workin my heart, to challenge,confront, and transform me.I knew early on thatsomething special washappening in my life,something that brought meconsiderable excitement and joy. As I worked through thecourse, God broke the lastlinks of the chains that boundme. The time was right. Theseason of change was here!God had prepared me for thisnew work and now saw itthrough. For the next ninemonths I was no longer

consumed by sexual sin andfree from the world offantasy and ritual that hadoccupied so much of my timefor the previous fifteen years.

I learned that God can andwill do what He promises usin the Scriptures. I wastasting true freedom fromsexual sin and no longerlived under its yoke. I wastruly a new man.

I wish I could end the storyright there with “and theylived happily ever after,” but Icannot. After nine months ofpurity, I entered a period ofrelapse. My wife and Iaccepted a ministry challengethat separated us evenfurther from our network ofsupport and brought manychallenges to our lives. I leftoff the habits and disciplinesthat I had learned through

years of counseling, reading,and mentoring relationships.To make a long story short, Iwas ignoring my soul and itsShepherd, the one who hadled me to a place of purity.Like the nine who werehealed by did not return tothank Jesus (Luke 17:17), Ihad been freed from mysexual enslavement only togo on my merry way andignore the Giver of such agreat gift. Of course, in doingso I had cut myself off fromthe Living Water thatnourishes our souls andbrings life. In my pain, I



returned to “the bottle” andrelied on the “old friend” ofsexual fantasy to comfortand to provide the illusion ofcontrol. Of course this

neither quenched my thirstnor brought peace to mysoul. Instead, it broughtpersonal anguish, maritalstrain, and even greaterupheaval in my heart.

Thanks be to God, this darkseason of relapse also wokeme from my sleep and forcedme to return to the feet ofthe One who had healed me.It also is the reason I amwriting this to you today andinviting you to contact me ifyou need someone to listenand want to know moreabout this healer who takesbroken people and makesthem whole, who does notleave us where we are, but

remakes us and calls us tonew life. This is good news!

Luke


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My Confessional

by Jimmy

(Entered in Jimmy’s PrayerJournal just two weeks priorto his scheduled date for sexchange surgery)

GOD, I need your help here!I do not expect it or feel Ideserve it. Look at thedeplorable things I have said,thought, done!

I have managed to live adouble life for the best partof my miserable existence.And now for well over ayear’s duration … doingthings I myself findimpossible to believe. Do Ineed to chronologue them?NO! You, my God, knowthem all!

I have brought the mosthorrible shame upon myself.My self-centeredness,childish narcissism, horridand most unthinkable deeds:

The lies. The hidden. Theimmoral. The pride. Theshameful. The treachery.

The plotting. Themasquerade…the fear ofdiscovery. The satisfaction inthat for which You died!

I’m on a collision course …with no one to rescue me.There is nothing now hiddenthat will not be one dayopenly revealed. My selfishheart will be then read andknown by all. Oh! Theanguish of the mere thought.There seems to be no lastingremedy, no real solution. Iam so ashamed and afraid. Idare not lift my eyes to You,for the full extent of my







traitorous deeds are withoutnumber; very possiblywithout excuse, or remedy!

My numbed emotions have

blocked out the Truth andthe full weight of mybetrayals, my shame, myremorse. Fear overtakesme. Dread haunts my everystep. Fear … that I’m out ofreach; certainly beyond ahuman’s ability to forgive.Dread … that if kindlyforgiven once more, I’dslavishly repeat thedamnable cycle.

Whatever faith remains … Inow employ with thisrequest; that you forgive meand restore my woundedsoul.

I have harmed and deeplyoffended those I love the

most, especially the mostprecious woman … withwhom you granted mepermission to share life, aswell as my precious family.

I have devastated my ownsoul, very possibly my owneternal destiny. I havedishonored Your Name. Icannot go on, go back, orstay in this masquerade; yetfeel this fatalistic tug thatrequests “just one moredance?”

It seems a terrible, almostlaughable affront to once

more plead for youracceptance and forgiveness.You are the ALMIGHTY andentirely JUST ONE. You aloneknow the intents of my

heart. You alone can judgerightly.

I need help – Your help! Yourhealing. Please help me. Donot let me drown in thissorrow, or hang in Judas’noose of mere remorse! Norlet me perish in my sin.

Please help and save me.Purge my soul of thisidolatry of self. Pleasecomfort those I haveoffended and betrayed.Please forgive me thecountless ways I’ve livedindependently of You. Myworship of the created,please forgive! And myreckless abuse to Your Grace.

Amen


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Benjamin’s Standards of

Care

by Mark

I’ve been researching thistranssexual stuff more andwhen comparing it to myown situation, I realize howdisturbing it is … and poorlyunderstood; not to mention







the outright deceptionsinvolved in duping anignorant public.

Besides the few

hypogonadal/intersexedindividuals who are possiblecandidates for correctivesurgery, I would say thegreat majority fall into twodistinct categories…(1) thosewho want SRS to escapefrom being labeled ahomosexual, and (2) thosewhose transsexuality springsfrom the same soil astransvestism. After all, theerotic desire to morefeminize one’s appearanceand fashions isn’t farremoved from the eroticdesire to more completelyfeminize ones body,permanently.

A joke commonly heard

among transsexuals is, “Thetransvestite is one who getsexcited when wearing awoman’s clothes; while thetranssexual is one who getsexcited when wearing thewoman’s body.”

I am firmly convinced thatmarried transsexuals (thosewho married as men), whofeel they need to change, aresuffering from a veryheterosexual and male-like,aggressive or testosterone-laden phenomenon; theyneed more and more visualstimulation to attain their

exotic high — a moresensuous mental movie inwhich to enact their wildestfantasies.

Due to the boredom they findin their sexual union withtheir wives, due mainly totheir over-sensualized, eroticstimulation and sexual climaxfrom pornography; as well astheir overall responsibilitiesexperienced as husbands,their wives simply don’t fulfilltheir sexual longing anymore.

So, instead of the stressorsof marriage and parentingcausing them to seekanother partner, as is typicalwith many non-transsexualmen, they try to turnthemselves into anotherpartner; or become bothparties in the relationship,

thereby eliminating the needfor the “real-woman.” Thus,they attempt to create a newmovie to watch, one in whichthey are an activeparticipant, and one in whichthey now possess theenviable position of thewoman/wife, where they canthen play out their newlyproscribed gender role,exhibiting the very qualitiesthey have desired in anotherwoman, which their wifedoesn’t seem to have. Manyqualities they project, maynot even exist in “normal”people.



So, instead of billing themovie title, “adultery,” inwhich they know the nextwife will only bring the sameproblems; they create an

elaborate illusion, where theycan just keep adjusting theirmind to their own little movieset, with the “actresses”,roles, parts, and scripts fullyin-place. Only later do all ofthese possibilities become “those same-old-reruns,”with the supporting castbeing the only thing that ischanged. Then, without theiroriginal wife, they need to dosome new scripting; realizingthat all of the trouble wasn’tat all about changing sex,but the matter of amisdirected and insufficientapproach at dealing withmany developmental anddeeply seated emotionalproblems in one’s own

psychology … andheterosexuality. Many ofthese awakened, miserablepost-operative transsexualsthen begin looking for … awife, saying they are reallynow fully re-scripted to fulfilltheir new role as a lesbian.My goodness! Things becomeso complicated, don’t they?

And to top that off, they asoften insist that their formerwife fulfill their newlycontrived “casting call” — asa lesbian.

Alternatively, some will thentry dating men so that their

physical anatomy properlyfits; the newly revised scriptis now redirected to lead theunsuspecting, naive, andvery confused public to draw

the distinction that things arenot actually what they mayappear to be; a furthersublimation of theirheterosexual masculinity. *Some grow weary of the newscript and attempt to changeback into a man. * Stillothers experience less than asatisfactory adjustment as awoman, knowing they wouldhave been better off dealingwith their struggles in otherways. * Some try substanceabuse. * Some try suicide. *Some try reconciliation withtheir former wives. * All findthemselves sooner or latervery disenfranchised fromnormal society…and veryalone. I am convinced that

treatment of heterosexuallyattracted transsexuals needsto take into account thefollowing factors: A)Hormones are very damagingpsychologically. They dull themasculine libido, andtherefore sexual conflicts areburied and becomeinaccessible to

psychotherapy.

B) Hormones for suchtranssexuals are apsychological deathsentence, which leads toSRS-the physical deathsentence; or what Bob calls



“Physician Assisted Suicide.”.

C) Sex therapy isindispensable for thesetranssexuals. After years of

people saying it’s not aboutsex, it’s about gender…Ibelieve it is terrible to haveignored the erotic/sexualfeatures of transsexuals.Clinicians who have expertisein psychotherapy, are often,unfortunately, poorlyprepared in sex therapy. Onecan go through medicalschool and a psychiatricresidency with no training inhuman sexuality! One can gothrough a Ph.D. in clinicalpsychology with only onecourse in sexualdysfunctions. This is justterrible; that no one wants totalk about transsexuals’sex/eroticism and thatpeople don’t have training in

sex therapy specifically.Having said that hormoneadministration is damagingpsychologically totranssexuals, since it dullsthe libido, preventing readyaccess to dealing withconflict, I should then saythat the whole “theory” ofthe “real life test” is a joke,except it’s not funny!

People study fortests…people practice fortests…people try to preparefor tests…people cheat ontests! RLT is a sinister joke.

Men who fit a very smallsubset of Benjamin’s eligiblepatients, commonly todaylabeled, “Intersexed People,”can’t ef fectively pass as

men…they don’t need a reallife test…they arehypogonadal, talk like girls invoice pitch, don’t need toshave, have very little bodyhair, reveal high feminine fatdistribution, don’t developproperly, appear veryfeminine, and are typicallymistaken for women. Theyare a small endocrineminority who are alreadyprepared for SRS. Theyusually don’t even needhormones, and definitelydon’t need facialfeminization.

They don’t behave as acaricature of women, sincethey are just naturally

feminine, and sometimesandrogynous. They have adistinct hormonal problem.The other vast majority, whoare told they need a RLT,may spend thousands ofhours and even more-thousands of dollars to passthe real life test; somethingthat is nothing more than a joke.

If someone is not having atough time passing in theirbirth sex and they havedemonstrated measurablesuccess in living in their birthsex, they should not be



treated as otherwise. Itshould also be rememberedthat transsexuals areunreliable historians and arealso known to try to “excuse”

or explain their condition byfabricating unfoundedphysiological underpinnings;much of their ideas andtheories coming from theinternational population ofequally deluded peoples; nottheir own experiences.

The RLT grew out of theStandards of Care, which weknow have little to do withHarry Benjamin. He was akindly grandfatherly-type ofgentleman and medicalpractitioner, who tried to helpthose whose gender wasproblematical. But the HarryBenjamin Standards of Careare not in the least in accordwith Harry Benjamin’s initial

vision.

Harry Benjamin was notdirectly involved in thefounding of even what arecalled the original standardsof care. It was founded byother professionals, manywith variant sexualorientations, and now anincreasing number of self-serving transsexuals andeven transgendered persons.These self-investedtranssexuals, who proclaimthemselves to the theexperts among thetranssexual population,

presently steer the so-calledHarry Benjamin Standards ofCare for Transsexuals.Likewise, they try toinfluence more general

regulating bodies such as theDSM and the ICD, to havegender identity disorderremoved. I shudder to thinkof the unscrupulousprofessionals, who aregaining in popularity, whodon’t even subscribe to thesepoorly designed andcontinuously erodingstandards of care. As for thereal life test, I know ofprofessional actors who couldeasily pass the test. Well,that’s the making of anothermovie.

Best Regards,

Mark


Written by Karl

God’s unconditional love tous. 1. He chose us before wewere born.

a. He choose us and not us

to Him . 16You did notchoose me, but I chose youand appointed you to go andbear fruit—fruit that will last.Then the Father will give youwhatever you ask in myname. John 15:16.







b. He saw us and rejoiced inus before we were born. 13For you created my inmostbeing; you knit me togetherin my mother’s womb. 16

your eyes saw my unformedbody. All the days ordainedfor me were written in yourbook before one of themcame to be. Psalm139:13,16.

c. We were predestined to beconformed to the likeness ofhis Son 29For those Godforeknew he also predestinedto be conformed to thelikeness of his Son, that hemight be the firstborn amongmany brothers. 30And thosehe predestined, he alsocalled; those he called, healso justified; those he justified, he also glorified.Romans 8:29-30

2. He wants to know everyaspect of our life. God wantsto be part of every singleaspect of our lives. 1 OLORD, you have searched meand you know me. 2 Youknow when I sit and when Irise; you perceive mythoughts from afar. 3 Youdiscern my going out and mylying down; you are familiarwith all my ways. 4 Before aword is on my tongue youknow it completely, O LORD.Psalm 139:1-4

3. We are my dwelling placefor God. Do you know we are

dwelling place for God?Everywhere we go, everyaction we do or perform onthis life , good or bad , Hewitness everything . He

knows, feels and seeseverything because we carryHis presence in us. 23Jesusreplied, “If anyone loves me,he will obey my teaching. MyFather will love him, and wewill come to him and makeour home with him. John14:23

4. Don’t believe or think weare alone. Don’t forget Hepromise to gave us the HolySpirit to dwell in us, our bestfriend, counsellor and Healer.a. 26″When the Counsellorcomes, whom I will send toyou from the Father, theSpirit of truth who goes outfrom the Father, he willtestify about me. John 15:26

5. Don’t say we don’t believein HIM because He believedin us first and had a plan forus. Many times we loosesight in God in our struggleswhen we try to find asolution by ourselves andmany times we blame Godand stop believing that Hecan’t resolve our mostdifficult problems. Let me tellyou . He has a plan for usand He always listen to us.11 For I know the plans Ihave for you,” says theLORD. “They are plans forgood and not for disaster, to



give you a future and a hope.12 In those days when youpray, I will listen. 13 If youlook for me wholeheartedly,you will find me. Jeremiah

29:11-13


ge_id=275

Escaping Manhood

by Douglas

I’m beginning to rethink myaddiction some. Since eachcross dressing episodenormally ended withmasturbation, I thought thatwas the driving force.Parading in women’s clothingwas just another turn on forme; a means to an end. Butgiving up pornography andleering at provocative

women, and averting myeyes from seductive ads onTV and magazines have beenfar easier for me than givingup the desire to pretend I’ma woman. Certainly, crossdressing was sexuallystimulating for me, but thatmay be because it began insome earnest in my teenageyears when I was justlearning the thrill of orgasm.I associated the two andmissed the whole conceptthat I was really just tryingto escape being a man. Inever had the strong feelingsmany other trans-gendered

men express of feeling theywere born with the wrongbody. I thought I was a manand thought I was perfectlyhappy to be a man. It is only

in trying to stop putting onwomen’s clothing that I’vecome to realize it’s not justabout titillating myself.

What I’m really wanting toaccomplish is to escape, atleast for some period of time,being a man. My image ofmanhood is one I can’t liveup to … and that leads me toseek an escape. Yes, orgasmwas my “drug of choice.” Iwas addicted to it, but I feltthat I was also unable toperform as I believe a manshould in bed with a realwoman. As I’ve gotten older,I’ve had to face the fact thatI wasn’t getting any better atit. The draw of womanhood is

my desire to escape my ownperceived failures in being aman, which makes myperceptions of becoming awoman more and moreattractive, verging on areligious experience, as itoffers relief from myperceived inability to be goodenough within the world ofmen.

Something to ponder.

Douglas


ge_id=456











Care-givers and

Crossdressers

Author’s note: All namesused are changed in order to

protect the identity of thoseinvolved.

Transgender confusion andcrossdressing is becoming sopopular and widely acceptedin today’s permissive “anything goes” culturalclimate. There are manywebsites and email groupsnow in existence whichsupport the popular notionthat there is nothing wrongwith those who engage inthese activities…and that tosuggest there is comes froman uninformed, bigoted, andintolerant evil, proposed bywild right wing religiousfanatics who are completelyout of touch with reality and

the twenty first century. Butthat’s just not the case. Readon.

This website explores otheroptions without getting into judgmentalism, or consigningpeople to hell for their sexualand gender identity disorder.It also provides help forfamily members, spouses,clergy, counselors andanyone interested in anhonest and candid look at theunderlying reasons for suchactivity and its resolution.The website is produced by amarried couple who have

worked together towards thehusband’s resolution of hislife-long battle with genderconfusion. We want toprovide you with sound

Biblical and Psychologicalinsight into understandingand dealing with thiscondition. If you are readyfor a taste of reality andopen-minded discussion,then this is the article foryou. You can find workableapproaches to coming toterms with these internalemotional conflicts and readthe accounts of many otherswho have done the same.

This site also introduces youto the wife of a transsexualwho now shares her story indepth, as well as her manyinsights, with otherstruggling wives.

Eric schedules telephoneappointments to personallyspeak with you and help youunderstand the truemotivations for what you oryour loved one is doing. Youwill discover many writtenpublications, as well as audioand video tapes that theyhave produced for you tobetter comprehend thereasons for such confusingnotions. They also provideweekend seminars for thosedealing with these matters.This couple has been doingthis kind of outreach for 16-17 years and has



understandably become verywell informed about theseissues. They can ultimatelyput you in touch with otherslike yourself who have found

lasting freedom fromtransgendered behaviors anddesires.

God has a plan for your lifeand it mainly consists in yourfulfilling your God-givendestiny in your congruentself, not the fractured,damaged, and self-createdidentity that has dominatedyour thinking and emotions,resulting in so much conflictand pain. Become a part ofGod’s intention and learn tolive in your God-givenidentity with incredible peaceand purpose. It takescourage to change, but youtoo can do it.

This was a response Bettygave to a man who ferventlyopposed the work we do tohelp a person come to termswith the reasons &resolutions for theirtransgender desires:

Dear K,

Your thoughts brought backlost of memories. I lived witha man for over 20 years whothought very much like thatmuch of the time. And Iunderstand that when that isyour mindset and you “fellowship: with others who

support you in it, it would befoolishness for me to try toconvince you otherwise.

But I will tell you assuredly,

that as a wife who once livedwith a man who thought thatway and who believed he wasa woman trapped in a man’sbody and who at one timewent on hormones, etc. Iwant you to know that it isan agonizing experience for awife. Not only have I oncelived it, but over the last 10years I have spoken withmany wives (and continue toeach week) who are in themidst of it right now. Theirhusbands want them toaccept it. Their husbandswant to wear the negligees tobed with their wives. Theywant their wives to, inessence, turn into lesbians.And these women are

heterosexual, but theirhusbands try to force this onthem. Their husbands wantto dress that way in front oftheir children, so they wouldhave two mommas instead ofa momma and a daddy.

These men are totally self-absorbed. They do notconsider the damage this isdoing to their children ortheir wives.

I now live with a man (thesame man I spoke of earlier)who is now at home in hismasculinity, who treats me



with respect and dignity. Whois a caring andcompassionate man, awonderful husband and agreat grandfather to his 9

grandchildren …. because Ihave seen first hand thechanges that occurred in himover the years as heuntangled and dealt with theroot causes for his gender-identity confusion, as he readbooks, sought counsel,received inner healing prayer,etc. etc and did the hardwork of recovery…. because Iknow for a truth that there ishope for men who are in thesame boat he once was in….because I know that thereis hope for these men andtheir wives and children andgrandchildren, I want toshout it form the housetops… “There’s FREEDOM! Real,lasting Freedom from the

agonizing, self-destructive,self-defeating life that comeswith transsexualism and thedamaging effects it has onfamilies.”

I know you do notunderstand what it is like tobe the wife of a transsexual.But I do. And my passion isto touch the lives of wives,as Bob touches the lives ofmen, and come alongsidethem, and walk with theminto the freedom we havefound.

Blessings!

Betty

The Vision of the MarriageCar

We come to God’s Altar andwe make our marriage vows.I said, “I choose you, _________ to be my belovedhusband. You said, “I chooseyou, _________, to be mybeloved wife. Together wesaid. “From this day f orward,to become one with you andto share all that is to come,and I promise to love you, tocare for you, and to befaithful to you until deathparts us.” We get into the car,the Marriage Car. You are inthe driver seat and I am onthe passenger side. Laterthere are children are in thebackseat.

We are on a mountainous

road with many curves. Theroad is called the Path toRighteousness. You start todrive the car close to theedge of a cliff. Then youbreak through the guardrailthat is God’s boundary linefor me. You say, “I amWoman and I want you tostill be my wife.” As I listento God I hear Him say to me, “Woman marries Man.Woman should not marryWoman.” To marry a womanviolates my sense of rightand wrong.

Now we are driving on the



narrow shoulder outside theguardrail with my side of thecar hanging over the cliffedge. The ride is becomingmore emotionally violent as

you fight to maintain controlof the Marriage Car whiledriving outside the guardrail.I see the dangerous placethat we are in – outsideGod’s boundaries. I becomemore and more afraid of thecrash that will send usplummeting over the cliffedge on the rocks below. Iscream at you,” Get back tothe road where we will besafe. “ I grab the steeringwheel and try to steer usback to the road. I shout atyou, “You are going to wreckthe Marriage Car and I willdie!”

We struggle for the control ofthe Marriage Car and there is

anger, hatred, and bitternessbuilding between us. I knowit is not a good ideal for meto put my hand on thesteering wheel trying to takeaway your position as theleader and guide of theMarriage Car, but I do it outof panic. I push you and putmy hands from the wheel. Itell you “I’m scared!!!!” Yousay, “Nonsense. The edge isrough but we will make itOK.” You deny the inevitablecrash.

The piece of truth that I wasmissing is that in this

frightening, painful 18 yearsis that when you broke theguardrail and violated mytrust, I had every right to getout of the Car and go back to

stand on the road called Pathof Righteousness. In thelanguage of our culture, thecontract was made underfraudulent terms, in deceit.You said you were Husbandas we made our vows. Aftera time you said you wereWoman. Therefore thecovenant was broken. I amreleased from it. I can finallyclaim the TRUTH. “The truthwill set you free.” I do notwant to be married to awoman, because as I listento God I hear Him say “Thatis wrong for you.” To bemarried to a woman violatesmy sense of right and wrong.

I have had a deep sadness,

then anger, then hatred, thenbitterness. I heard otherChristian voices say to me, “You should do everythingpossible to keep yourmarriage together. You needto obey your husband. “ Yetmy heart was saying, “Toobey this person violates me.When we have sex I feeldeep despair. My inner voicesays, “Women should nothave sex with women.”

So now I am taking my handoff the steering wheel of themarriage car. I am saying, “STOP the Car, I’m getting



out of the Car because Idon’t want to go over the cliffwith you.” To honor God andto honor myself I need tolisten to the inner voice:

“Woman does not livemarried to a Woman.” Youmay have control of theMarriage Car. That is yourposition as the Driver. If youwant to crash the Marriage itis your choice.

What about the children inthe back seat of the car? Isee that they are batteredand bruised by the violentride. I see that our son hasan angry wound and he maydie. They need to be out ofthe Car also and stand on theroad marked “Path ofRighteousness.” We will walkdown the road together.There will be others who passus in their Marriage Cars.

They will say, “That womanshould have stayed in herCar. Doesn’t she know thatthe road is easier for childrenin the Marriage Car?”

It is true the best way forchildren to make a smoothpassage on the Path is in aMarriage Car. For years Ihave stayed for their sake.Now I see that they need thePath more. So we will walkdown the road. It will beharder than riding in the Car.We will get sore feet andfatigue. But God will walkwith us. He will hold our

hands. He will provide safepastures and still waters torestore us.

What about you? What will

happen to you when youdrive the car off the cliff andcrash on the rocks below?The truth is I don’t know andyou don’t know. Only Godknows. The Car will certainlybe destroyed, but you maywalk away miraculouslyunscathed and find your ownpath. Or you may bewounded, then crawl backout of the deep ravine to joinus on the road. We will crash.Only God knows. This weekHe has been telling me, “Step out of the way. _________ is my child and Iwill deal with him.”

I say, “Lord, here is mymarriage. The Lord gives and

the Lord taketh away.Blessed be the name of theLord. He leads me in Paths ofRighteousness for Hisnamesake. Lord, here is _______. He is your child. Itwas wrong of me to try topush him, to protect him. Heis in control of his body, hismind and his spirit. You mayhave him.”

OUR CHRISTIANCONFESSION

“We have not been genuinein our relationships. We havehidden the dark side of our



hearts and neglected to letone another know of oursecrets and pain. We havelived a very bland form ofChristianity, holding to a

form of godliness butdenying the power of God tochange us.

Afraid to honestly expose ourown sins we have shovedaway God’s offer to help andrestore our wounded hearts.What we have allowed peopleto see is our false veneer orthat which appears like whatChristians are supposed tolook like. Our hypocrisy hasrobbed us of many vitalrelationships and the healingGod has provided throughHis Body, the Church.

Our insecurity has driven usto appear successful andspiritually alive. We have

built temples to worship ourown achievements andunited collective activity ofdoing something for God. Wehave not made it our practiceto become fully engaged withmessy people who are tryingto break self-destructivepatterns, which will take alifetime to heal. In ourinsecurity and fear we havebeen afraid to associate withthose who are too ashamedto mention their privatestruggles and sins, takingaway any prospect of hopefrom desperate people.

There is such dishonestyamong us and a refusal todeal with things as they trulyare. Many who have tried tofind love and answers to their

heart’s longings, haveinstead been groomed andaccosted by leaders in illicitsexual encounters, andinnumerable emotional andspiritual abuses.

We have been moreconcerned about how we’velooked than in how we’veloved. Our unspokenagreement has been, “I willnot talk about my sin if youdon’t mention yours.”

We have “kept familysecrets” and enforced the “notalk rule” and “don’t feelrule” of our compositedysfunctional families. We’vesaid in effect that sex sins

are more shameful thanother sins, and that sexualperversions are the worstsins of all. We’ve fed the verydynamics of shame that havekept all of us bound,impotent, and ineffective toset captives free.

Though our Heavenly Fatheris always seeking people inHis great, compassionatelove, we have for the mostpart rejected those whowould make usuncomfortable. We have notprovided a safe place ofrefuge for those coming out



of crippling emotionalconditions, either within ourchurch or in our hearts.

When you have wanted and

needed a safe, loving familyin which you could benurtured into health, we havenot been there for you.Perhaps you’ve given uphope that there is such aplace.

Would you please forgive us,Mighty God, for ourcomplacency, hypocrisy andself-protective love? Wouldyou, dear friend, pleasecome home to the embraceof our Father as reflected inour care for you and ourmutual desire to be “Jesuswith skin on” to you? You’repart of us, it’s yourbirthright, and we need you.

(Adapted from Rev. EdFlook’s statement ofrepentance, VineyardChristian Fellowship,Kalamazoo, Michigan).

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Definition of Terms

How Can Care-givers GiveCare?

Basic Childhood Development

Providing a Safe Place

Preparing for SpiritualConflict

Education and Preparation

Securing ProfessionalColleagues

Applying Abundant Grace andTruth

What About Relatives andSpouse Support?

Summary

DEFINITIONS OF TERMS

“TRANSVESTIM” (ACROSSGENDER-SPECIFICCLOTHING LINES)

A condition in which sexualarousal and orgasmicpleasure is obtained bydressing in the clothes of the

opposite sex. It can occur inboth homosexuality andheterosexuality. It ischaracterized by amomentary desire to dressand be accepted as amember of the oppositegender in order to escapereality and relieve emotionaltensions. It is usually donewithin the privacy of one’s

own home and typicallyremains a most private andwell-hidden fantasy life.

“TRANSGENDER” (ACROSSGENDER LINES)



A condition in which one feelsinwardly incongruent inhis/her God-given genderrole or sexual identity.Eventual attempts are made

in most cases to finally “correct the anatomicalmistake” through increasingepisodes of crossdressing,hormonal therapy, and SexReassignment Surgery(SRS). The ratio is about 8males to 1 female suffer fromthis gender identityconfusion.

“HOMOSEXUAITY” (SAMESEX ATTRACTION)

A condition in which one isattracted to his/her owngender in erotic sexual andemotional involvement.There is a disinterest inemotional or sexualengagement with members

of the opposite sex. Membersof the same sex hold thekeys to one’s feelinggenuinely loved because ofdeficits in same-sex loveneeds.

“GENDER IDENTITY” (VIEWOF ONE’S OWN REAL SELF)

“Gender refers to geneticsex, male or female, which isirreversibly fixed at themoment of conception by thepairing of the 23rd, or sex-determining chromosomes(XX or XY). Hence gender isbiologically determined.

Identity, on the other hand,is environmentally orphysiologically determined;the product of how one viewsthe self, whether one

associates oneself,subjectively with one sex orthe other; whether one feelsfeminine or masculine, a girlor a boy, a woman or a man.

Put another way, a male isalways a male, and a femaleis always a female; but aman can take on theappearance (identity) of awoman, or a woman a man.And this process ofidentifying oneself with onesex or the other is typicallycompleted in the first threeyears of life.” (An article byBrad Sargent, UnderstandingTransgender Confusion.

HOW CAN CARE-GIVERS

HELP CROSS-DRESSERS?

A Minister asks:

“I am wondering what I cando to help Stan, a goodfriend of mine, who is nowcoming our women’s SundaySchool class presentinghimself as a woman?

Another pastor wrote:

“Last week one of the womenon my staff informed me thatshe would be leaving thechurch because herhusband’s going to have sex



reassignment surgery. She istaking their two children andmoving to her parent’s homein another state to get awayfrom her husband’s influence.

He says he will want equalcustody of their boys,intending to tell them theynow have another mother.”

Yet another frustratedminister asked:

“What can I do: My associateminister has just confessedthat he is chronically involvedin cross-dressing andparading himself in publicthat way. What can I dobesides dismiss him?”

A distraught pastor on thephone inquired,

“Last week a nice youngcouple came in for premarital

counseling. They have beenattending our church forseveral months. Jack tells methat he is really a she andthat she is really a he – thatthey both have switched theirsexual roles to fit themselvesbetter. They both claim thatthey were supposed to havebeen created the other sex.They want me marry them.Good grief! What do I do?”

An elderly pastor shared hispainful discovery:

“One of my Deacons nowconfesses he regularly cross-

dresses and has done sosince high school. I am apastor of a rural church andhe was recognized by one ofthe women of my church in

the ladies shop in a townnearby. She is threatening toexpose him before the wholecongregation. I don’t knowwhat to do.”

I do not know many pastoror clinical caregivers whowould profess they know howto handle these kinds ofproblems. Seminary anduniversity training does notadequately prepare studentsto receptively minister truthand grace to peopleexhibiting gender identityconfusion.

A pastor or caregiver is onewho has the tremendous taskof helping hurting people to

find peace with themselvesand God and to live apurposeful life. The difficultytoday is that that exhibitionthese kinds of emotionalproblems are not truly beinglegitimization of this pain—instead referring to it as anacceptable lifestyle. Theirsolution? “Why, of course,the patient should followcertain proscribed guidelinesof their psychiatrist andphysician for a period of timeand then submit to thesurgeon’s scalpel to correctthe anatomical mistake.”



One male-to-femaletranssexual exposes the truthin a letter, saying:

“Don’t be surprised if your

case-load continues toincrease. The long-heldtraditional screening methodsfor candidates for sexreassignment surgery (SRS)continues to deteriorate asso-called transgenderedpersons take over the mentalhealth organizations andpromotional literature. Eventhe main screening methodsof the Dr. Harry Benjamin’sInternational GenderDysphasia Association arenow made up of moretransgendered individualsthan ever, and thetransgendered populationnow writes the majority ofthe literature. Mainstreampsychology and psychiatry

have been lead to believethat psychotherapy andpharmacology have nothingto offer, since they havebought into the view that thiscondition is an inheritedanomaly fixed only withsurgical intervention andhormonal therapy.

Now those involved indetermining the patient’soutcome areendocrinologists, urologists,and surgeons, all who readily ‘sign, seal and deliver’ atreatment based not uponfact or common sense, but

on the popular politicallymotivated scheme of thought… and greed. Report afterreport shows the majority ofthose presenting themselves

for SRS have proven co-existing psycho-pathology.There are also many reportsbeginning to surface thatexpress the post-operativepatient’s regrets for havingthe surgery. Years ofresearch demonstrates thatalthough biology may playsome role in gender identity,it does not necessarilyfatalistically determine one’sidentity nor restrict one’soptions.

But there are options.

In light of recent confessionsof various well known peoplewho have had SRS, thereseems to be growing

evidence to undermine thelegitimacy of trying to makegirls out of boys or vice-versa.

“They exchanged the truth ofGod for a lie.” (Rom 1:25)

Listen to the recentadmissions of Dr. ReneeRichards, a world renownmale to femaleophthalmologist, who hadsex-reassignment surgery in1975:

“I wish that there could havebeen an alternative way, but



there wasn’t in 1975. If therewas a drug that I could havetaken that would havereduced the pressure, Iwould have been better off

staying the way I was- as atotally intact person. I knowdown deep that I’m a secondclass woman. I get a lot ofinquiries from would-betranssexuals, but I don’twant anyone to hold me outas an example to follow.Today there are betterchoices, includingmedication, for dealing withthe compulsion to cross-dress and the depressionthat comes with genderconfusion. As far as beingfulfilled as a woman, I’m notas fulfilled as I dreamed ofbeing. I get a lot of lettersfrom people who areconsidering having thisoperation … and I discourage

all of them. You’d better geton Thorazine or Zoloft orProzac or get lock up or dowhatever it takes to keep youfrom being allowed to dosomething like this.”

There is so much anguishand emotional pain involvedin transgender confusion.The medical community iswrong in selling the publicthe lie that reassignmentsurgery is warranted. TheChristian community whovalidates transgenderconfusion is also off track,perhaps even more than

anyone else. Surgery wouldonly be considered a viableoption in the most extremecase of the genuinelymedically proven and verified

hermaphrodite, whosechromosomes and DNAwould unwaveringly attest tothe presence of a genetically-induced physiologicaldisorder and anatomicalmishap. Let me state herethat such cases areextremely rare and would beauthoritatively validated byclear medical documentationmost usually dating fromearly infancy.

The medical community facesan incredibly difficultdilemma. Patients arediagnosing themselves astrue transsexuals andentering the physician’s officedemanding surgery in order

to change theirsexual/gender status. Theysay, “Sure, I know that Ihave the anatomy of andlook like a man, but I’vealways felt like a female andI’m sure that I have a femalebrain. And by the way,Doctor, I’d like 38C breastimplants, if that’s all rightwith you. You can help mefulfill my lifelong dream.”

The Doctor’s response? “Well,my darling, step right thisway into Surgical Suite A.”

Can you think of any other



medical condition in whichthe patient makes his or herown diagnosis and thenexplains the recommendedtreatment plan to the

physician? Why has themedical community socompletely acquiesced inaccepting Sex ReassignmentSurgery (SRS) as the onlytruly effective treatment forthe transgendered person?Could it possibly be that theyare operating (mutilating) asa result of their perceptionthat if they cannot “cure it,”then any other attempt tobring remedy is hopeless?Are they becoming co-Creators? “One gendersurgeon actually said, “SinceGod has failed to do the rightthing, let me give it a whirl!”

Is it true compassion tofurther assist someone in his

or her abject denial ofreality? Is it sensible tothrust this emotionallydissociated (now disfigured)patient back into his nuclearfamily and expect therelatives to continue on asnothing of consequence hashappened? I think not! It isour task to unmask thecharade and bring somecommon sense into thematter…and Christ’s remedy.But we must do it from aplace of humility andservanthood, not arrogance,or unmindful of itsdevastating grip, which

compels the insanity to notonly continue, but toincrease.

At its core the real issue is

that described so long ago: “All we like sheep have goneastray; we have turnedeveryone to his own way.” (Is53:6) Though Scripturedoesn’t directly addresstranssexualism, except inDeut 22:5 (where wearingclothes of the oppositegender is considered anabomination) and I Cor 6:9(where male effeminacy andprostitution is consideredenough to banish a personfrom God’ s Kingdom), thereis abundant reference torefraining from sexualimmorality and living a lifedictated by the appetites ofthe flesh. For example, Mark7:20 clearly speaks to those

very things that make a manunclean: evil thoughts,sexual immorality, theft,murder, adultery, greed,malice, deceit, lewdness,envy, slander, arrogance andfolly, many of which arefound sooner or later in theexperience of the averagetranssexual. I dare you to just take a casual look intothe Transsexual InternetWebsites to see how each ofthose defilements ismanifested. Quite and eye-opener!

BASIC CHILDHOOD



DEVELOPMENT

Basic understandings ofchildhood developmentinform us that a person’s

gender identity is primarilydetermined by a youngster’sconfidence and comfort withthe gender with which hemost associates andidentifies. The staggeringtruth is that a child’s genderidentity is fairly wellestablished by the age offour years; before enrollingin kindergarten.

If that is so, and it is, thenyou can imagine that thepain is excruciating for theboy or girl whose genderidentity is confused orfractured. Their interiorsense of being is sent into aconstant tailspin. It’s afoundational crack that is

only discovered after the lifebegins to crumble.

As Joe Dallas states, “Sinceour society places a highpremium on gender roles,your ability or inability tofulfill them seriously affectsyour general well-being.Gender Identity Disorder is aclinical term describing aserious conflict between aperson’s assigned gender(male or female) and hisdesired gender.”2

Dr. Friedman points out thatfeelings of being unmasculine

or unfeminine are commonamong such adults. Heproposes that unmasculinity,for example, is notnecessarily femininity, but a

lack of confidence in aboy’s/man’s own ability tofulfill the masculine role.”3

Transsexuality is not agenetically predisposedcondition. It is “acquiredthrough interactions,perceptions, and responses.A secure masculine orfeminine identity usuallydevelops through bondingwith an older figure of thesame sex, usually the fatheror mother, and emulatingthat older figure. When thefather/mother figure iswilling to bond with the childof the same sex, this invitesthe child to emulate andidentify with the parent. The

child will be inclined towardthis process, desiring itintensely, but avoiding it if hefeels unwelcome orunaccepted by the parent.Should that avoidance occur,it could be the beginning ofgender identity problems.”4

“Problems of gender identitythen begin with the child’sbelief that he is unacceptableto the parent of his own sex,and therefore unacceptableto all members of his sex.This robs him of confidenceto fulfill his gender role,having felt no invitation to



emulate and identify with hisfather or her mother, leadingto acute feelings ofunmasculinity orunfemininity. These feelings

are confirmed during laterdevelopment. So if a boyfeels ill-equipped to deal withthe other boys throughtraditional masculineactivities, which disrupts hisability to bond with otherboys, which reinforces hisbelief that he isunmasculine.”5

The vast majority of over1,700 male-to-femaletranssexuals with whom I’veworked claim that theirrelationship to Momremained unusually close intheir childhood and continuedto be so on into adulthood.In fact, most classifythemselves as “Mommy’s

boys,” though perhapsmarried and fathers. Much ofthe reason for that ongoingcloseness is because of theemotional connection andlack of normal individuationbetween the mother and son.The profound biologicaldependence upon Motherlater becomes an abnormalemotional dependence uponher constancy, nurturing careand protection, and comfort,symbolized by that whichbest represents her; femaleclothing.

The insights found in Gordon

Dalbey’ s, Healing theMasculine Soul, are manywhen it comes to pinpointinga man’s difficulty ineffectively separation himself

from Mother. Hisrelationships with womenbecomes distorted, andobsessive, with fantasiesabounding about how tomaintain the connection withMother through crossdressingas well as other compulsions.

Dalbey shares how he laid hishands upon a man’sshoulders and “invited him torenounce the bonds of falsedependency…and asked theLord Jesus to heal hisinsecurity from its roots inhis mother’s womb.”6 LeannePayne cuts to the core in herbook, The Broken Image,citing that “A mother, overlyprotective and peculiarly or

injuriously intimate with ason – unless a strong andaffirming father figure isclose at hand- can render ason unable to separate hissexual identity from hers,and she thereby becomespart of any propensitytowards his homosexual(transsexual behavior) thatmight crop up in him” …which creates “what I havecome to understand and calla severe suppression ofmasculinity.”7

The purpose of this resourceyou are now reading is not to



make you into some kind of “instant expert” on thesubject. I would assume thatyou are interested in gainingbasic insights on how to

proceed form this point, inthe hopes of not missing themark for you, the church, theprivate practice, or moreimportantly the transgenderperson and their familymembers.

As a Caregiver you desirehealing for the festeringemotional wounds of thetransgender person and hisfamily members. Your heart’scry is to find Christ-honoringresolution for the anguish ofeveryone involved. As aCare-giver, you already havesome of the most well-prepared professionals whoalready have the basic toolsnecessary to treat the

emotional disorderscharacteristic in the psycho-pathology of transsexuality.Some of the most obviousmedically-related conditionsare Obsessive CompulsiveDisorder, Bi-Polar Disorder,Borderline Personality andDissociative Disorders.Transsexuals are dying froma condition they want you tothink as “terminaluniqueness,” but they are notbeyond the changeability ofGod’s great power.

“The reason the Son of Godahs been revealed was to

destroy the works of thedevil.” (I John 3:8)

There are various stepsinvolved to effectively move

your person towards a safepeople and a safe place inwhich the work of lastingrestoration can be done.Deep secrets of the heart willbe revealed. Confidentiality isa must!

1. PROVIDING A SAFE PLACE

Your part is to assist yourperson in coming out of thecloakroom secrecy and intothe light. The main thing thatthe transgendered person isattempting to do by hisbehavior is to heal himselfand keep his shame-filledactivities a secret. Provide asafe healing place and peoplewhere confidentiality and

anonymity is treated as asacred tryst. That is not aneasy tack in most situations,especially within theestablished church.Christians do not typicallyhave a sense of safety intheir own congregation so faras sharing their strugglesand sins. The provision ofsuch a safe harbor is going tobe determined by thepastoral staff’s emphasis andeffectiveness in incorporatingcounselors, mentors andsupport group settings.

Muster the troops! Gather



about your person a smallgroup of truly caring peopleof both genders who willgenuinely love this individualto health. Just remember the

old saying that it’s not reallyhow much you know abouttransgender confusion thatmatters, it is how muchloving attention and carefullistening you are prepared togive over the long haul thatmakes or breaks the process.As Dr. Jennifer Schneiderstates, “Recovery is bestaccomplished through acombination of counselingand attendance at peergroup support meetings.”8

Always keep in mind that thisis indeed a process, whichwill demand much time,patience, prayer, and effort.There just are not any quickfixes to deep-seated sexual

and gender identitydisorders. Don’t be duped bythe many so-called “latestmedical studies” that supportthe continuance of theemotional malady. Every so-called scientific study fails toprove anything other than atheory treated like a fact.Darwin’s Theories ofEvolution are now believedby the vast majority asfactual, are they not? That isexactly what is taking placewith so-called scientificinquiry today regardingtransgender behaviors:theories.

Providing a safe place andsafe people in order torestore someone trapped inthis particular personalitydisorder and sinful behavior

is not easily done. The oldadage, “We Christians arethe only soldiers in the worldwho shoot our wounded” istoo often true. Ask the “fallen” church leaders of thepast decade to recite theirhorror stories of being hated,disowned, and maligned bythe very ones who sworetheir undying allegiance tothem just days before theirdisclosure. The Church has alow tolerance for visiblestruggles and failures. Wehave quite a task aheadwhen it comes to providing aplace of safe refuge for ourstruggling fallen comrades,especially within thetraditional church environs.

But it is time for the churchto live up to its name andtruly become a “sanctuary.”

I remember so well myconclusions after havingattended my first 12-StepRecovery Group. I thought, “Ifeel as though I’ve been tochurch for the first time.”Raw honesty and redemptivelove does both uncover andcover the worst of sins.

“Two are better than onebecause they have a goodreturn for their labor. For ifeither of them falls, the one



will lift up his companion. Butwoe to the one who fallswhen there is not another tolift him up.” (Eccl. 4:9-10)

Laurie Hall, the author of AnAffair of the Mind and TheCleavers Don’t Live HereAnymore, shares some of theattitudes and practices thatdetermine if a church is safeor not. They are thefollowing: 9

SAFE or UNSAFE: First let’stake a look at the “safe-healing environment.”

1. Safe sees this as amanifestation of God’s gloryabout to happen.

2. Safe understands thedifference between guilt andshame and focuses on guiltand speaks the truth but

doesn’t condemn or label theperson; while unsafedepends upon denial.

3. Safe offers hope byfocusing on solutions toimmediate needs; givessupport in tangible ways

4. Safe asks what will givelife – willing to reevaluate

and look at long-held beliefsthat may need modificationor adjustment.

5. Safe honors truth – provides a safe place forpeople to walk in the light.

Unsafe intends to keep thingshidden so no one isembarrassed.

6. Safe operates out of the

authority they have beengiven and leaves the resultsto God; knows theirlimitations and refers out toothers when needed.

7. Safe recognizes theauthority that comes frombrokenness; respects one’sown inner wisdom;willingness to learn from allinvolved.

8. Safe uses God’s name tobring healing and mend thewounded heart.

9. Safe works to restorefamilies.

10. Safe demonstrates

humility, grace, in place ofauthority.

UNSAFE

1. Sees the failures andlimitations; uses labels;points out the one part ofyour life where you failed andmakes that identify who youare.

2. Focuses on shame andlooks for someone to blame.

3. Creates frustration byfocusing on the problem:accentuates the guilt and sin.



4. Focuses upon good andevil – emphasizes religiousrules

5. Encourages people to be

dishonest in order to remaina “club member”. Moreinterested in controllingbehavior than restoring thesoul.

6. Feels threatened when youdon’t respond as they thinkyou should; get ego needsmet by “healing you” andgood at retraumatizing you.

7. Thinks that only those whoare credentialed through anaccredited course of studyhave something of value tosay; no respect for people;micro manage; know it all.

8. Uses God name to kickyou out and justify violence

against you.

9. Not above dividing familiesto prove their point.

10. Motivated by pride;unable to see their ownweaknesses and needs; “lordit over’ you.

2. PREPARE FOR SPIRITUAL

CONFLICT

Understand this: “There isnothing new under the sun.”(Eccl 1:9)

Transsexuality is not a new

phenomenon. It has beenaround as long as men andthe spirit world. The OldTestament references to thefemale goddess of fertility,

Ashteroth, is none other thanwhat we are facing todaymanifested in transgenderconfusion. Barry Wilding, inhis revealing report entitled “Feminist ChristiansResurrect Pagan GoddessWorship,” exposes theagenda of the emergingleadership of the feministand transgender movement,which is funded by donationsand support of manyprominent churches in theUSA.

This 1993 Conferencebrazenly expressed theirorigins and mission. “Conference organizersheralded the gathering of

2,200 (feminists andtranssexuals) as thebeginning of the SecondReformation; one designed torid the church of all sexual,racial, and classdistinctions.”10

They applauded the work of2,500 feminists of like mindwho pledged to “work asguerillas toward a religiouscoup d’etat that wouldreplace God the Father withthe goddess within.”11

Donna Steichen pointed outthat “ the ultimate feminist



objective is the obliterationof Christianity … anarrangement which haslegitimated religious bigotry,racism, classism,

imperialism, clericalism andall other isms you can thinkof.”12

Wildering further elaboratedupon the mantra of thewomen’s movement statingthat “ their catalogue ofcardinal virtues begins withpride, embraces divorce andemphasizes such forms ofsexual expression asabortion, lesbianism,transsexuality, andcontraception. Its liturgy isthat of the ancient Gnosticsbeholding their feminineimage in the mirror andworshiping themselves,drawing uponlesbian/transsexual sexual

desire as the main energy ofthe universe.”13

“More disturbing was theheresy expounded by theconference speakers whereinthey categorically denouncedand rejected the concept ofthe author of creation beinga Father figure, and JesusChrist being the Son of God,mainly because they both aremasculine. Instead theyworshiped Sophia as thefeminine spirit of God formwhom we have allevolved.”14

“Conceived as the highestform of feminine wisdom,Sophia is an abstract symbolin which female power, onceactualized (a New Age Term)

in social and religiousstructures, is transformedinto a purely spiritualdimension. She is the activethought of God who createdthe world …”15

Starhawk, the officiatingleader for the Re-ImaginingConference is quoted to havesaid, “From the earliesttimes, women have been the ‘wise-ones’ … and ourwoman-centered culture,based upon the worship ofthe Great Goddess, underliesthe beginnings of allcivilization. Alas, the Goddesshas stirred from sleep, andwomen are awakening to ourancient power.”16

I share these things to adviseyou that when you aredealing with transsexuality,you are engaging in spiritualconflict against principalitiesand powers, which demandsample spiritual oversight andprayer backing.

3. EDUCATION &PREPARATION

You, or your representative,will need to spendconsiderable time with theperson. To best helpaccommodate the process;



be certain to have the personcommit to meet for anindefinite period for regularlyscheduled updates, input andprayer ministry. You should

plan on setting time into yourschedule for at least oneyear’s duration, preferablyonce every week for this kindof one-on-one ministry andoversight.

You would do well to handthe day-by-daycare/oversight to others ofyour flock, or enlist the aid ofa small support group settingfor daily accountability andinput. There are a number ofhelps that will assist you toacquaint yourself with thebasics of the condition. Somewe typically recommend are:

RESOURCES RECOMMENDED

Desires in Conflict by JoeDallas

Setting Love in Order byMario Bergner

The Broken Image by LeannePayne

Crisis in Masculinity byLeanne Payne

Healing by Francis MacNutt

Healing the Masculine Soulby Gordon Dalbey

Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick

Means

False Intimacy by HarrySchaumburg

Inside Out by Larry Crab

Pure Desires by Ted Roberts

Out of the Shadows byPatrick Carnes

Don’t Call it Love by PatrickCarnes

Letting Go of Shame, by

Efron

A very helpful way for you tobecome better acquaintedwith the material in theseresources is for you to assignthem to your parishioner,asking for them to reciteback to you in both oral andwritten presentations the

specific points that theyfound insightful and helpful.These resources, then, canact as an ongoing guide foryour future discussions andprayers.

It is also most beneficial foryou to invite specializedguest speakers to conducttraining and equipping

seminars for you, yourleadership team, and thecongregation. RealityResources offers that kind ofexpertise. We also helplocate people close to youwho may be able to help in



this regard through weekendseminars or educationalconsultation services.

4. SECURING PROFESSIONAL

COLLEAGUES

It is so important for you towork in conjunction with aChristian therapist. Thisrelieves you of the burden oftrying to understand all ofthe in depth psychologicaland social reasons for thecondition and being the “finalword” for the person’sprogress. We alwaysrecommend that theprofessional therapist obtaina signed release form fromthe client so that there isnothing hidden from either ofyou in this process. You andthe therapist workingtogether can then provide acomprehensive care plan for

the person. In our opinion, itis best for the therapist andthe pastor to always workhand in hand in therestorative process.

Many pastoral insights cancome by having your personshare his daily journal recordwhen you meet together. Werecommend that you havethe person follow a five-pointplan in the daily discipline of journaling:

1. This was what my day waslike. (Include all struggles,temptations, etc.)

2. This is what went wrongwith my day. (Details andreasons)

3. This is what went right

with my day. (Details andreasons)

4. This is what I could havedone differently. (Specificdetails)

5. This is my written prayerabout my day. (Handwrittenand orally prayed)

This documentation can alsothen be shared with theprofessional therapist to helphim/her better understandthe spiritual components inthe person’s restoration.

6. APPLYING ABUNDANTGRACE AND TRUTH

The single most importantthing you can do is to getyour person daily immersedin the loving acceptance ofothers who are grace-filledand able to tell the truth inlove. The church is supposedto be a place of fellowshipand intimate involvement.Perhaps this person is a partof your church fellowship for

the purpose of teaching yourcongregants how to trulylove. It is not by accident,nor is it a responsibility tooheavy to bear.

Casting off the desires of the



fallen nature requires dailydiscipline and stringent (notlegalistic) accountability,ongoing prayerfulintercessions, and personal

contact through familyinvolvement. This multi-faceted healing processrequires the gifting of theentire fellowship, not just thepastor or therapist.

The church is not intended tobe a place for those whohave no problems. Everychurch member has theirown unique problem areas.The person in your fellowshipwho struggles with genderidentity confusion is justmanifesting another way thehuman flesh exhibits itsfallen-ness. Helping thatindividual to understand thathe is not a freak, but justanother wounded sinner

saved by grace is the maintask at hand.

Labels have to come off! Donot allow the diagnostic toolof the physician’s defininglabel to become the person’sidentity. Don’t have peopledefine themselves by whatthey have done. They are somuch more and complexthan any identifying label. Donot ever refer to your personas a transsexual. Rather say, “You are fighting off desiresof the flesh which issomething all of us have todo.”

Lies must be identified anddispelled with the truth! It isthe infusion of lies aboutGod, others and oneself thatproduces the neurosis. It is

helpful to uncover throughcasual and reflectiveconversations and prayertimes the many lies theperson has come to accept astruth. Some of those liessound like this:

LIES:

“I should have been born agirl.”

“Life would have been betterfor me if I were a female.”

“Women have it easier.”

“My parents would havepreferred a girls.”

“My Dad always wanted agirl.”

“Living as a man is tooboring.”

“God made a mistake andhas given me permission tobe a woman.”

“No one understands how I

could be a woman on theinside of a man’s body.”

“I have a woman’s brain anda man’s head.”

“Correctible surgery will



make me happy.”

“Men are dirty and evil andonly good for one thing.”

“God loves me to fulfill myfantasies in crossdressing.”

“If I were a woman I wouldnot have been passed overfor the promotion.”

“Women accept me morewhen I’m dressed as awoman.”

“I can never succeed as amale.”

“My family will never acceptme as a man.”

“I will never measure up towhat a man is supposed tobe like.

“I can never be able tosurvive if I don’t Cross-dress.”

“Cross-dressing is showingwho I really am – a woman.”

What all of these reasoningsdemonstrate is the ongoingconflict common to allChristians of accepting God’s

way or demanding one’sown. Every Christian believeshis struggle is the worst.That’s why there are so manyhidden sins within the Bodyof Christ. We are allpotentially dying of terminal

uniqueness. So the mainministry involved is helpingthe person put to death thedeeds of the flesh, to runfrom sexual sin and

confusion, and to cling toTRUTH in the midst oftemptation.

The Bible states the problem: “My people have committedtwo sins: They have forsakenMe, the spring of living water,and have dug their owncisterns, broken cisterns thatcannot hold water.” (Jeremiah2:13)

One common error we havediscovered with pastors andcaregivers who are trying tominister to the transgenderperson is this: focusing uponthe cross-dressing ortentative plans for sexchange surgery as the major

issue. Theses are not themain issues to spend timeon. It’s all a matter of basicChristian discipleship: “Whowill the person allow to ruletheir heart, Jesus Christ orself?”

Utilize your well-practicedskills in uncovering the: “rootsystem” of the condition.Understand clearly that thisperson has formed apathological relationship witha mood-altering self-manufacturedintoxicant/drug and behavior.The crux of the problem is



substituting an emotionallydependent relationship withMother and that whichrepresents her (her clothing)in the place of healthy

relationships with otherpeople, and himself. Theperson has formed anemotional dependency upona behavior (crossdressing),which as Nancy Groomstates, “At the heart…is anarrogant and fear-basedrefusal to rely solely uponGod, an unwillingness to restin His Grace, to be satisfiedwith His provision and to setour hearts on obedience.”

Do not spout the simplisticconclusion that repentanceand another trip to the frontaltar of the church is allthat’s needed. The person’sheart is desperately lookingfor a solution to his deep-

seated emotional pains bycrossdressing. The flesh willalways have a prompt reply,although never working isessential to living a healthylife. Larry Crabb’s book,Inside Out, affirms that “aninside look must anticipateuncovering both deep,unsatisfied longings that beartestimony to our dignity, aswell as foolish and ineffectivestrategies for keepingourselves out of pain thatreflect our depravity. Each ofus is a glorious ruin. And thefurther we look into ourheart, the more clearly we

can see the wonder of ourability to enjoy relationshipalongside the tragedy of ourdetermination to arrange forour own protection from

hurt.” All of this will takemuch time and prayer toresolve. Start dealing withthese matters:

· Seek to discover thereasons he feels souncomfortable in his owngender role?

· Why has there been suchreal or perceived rejection ofhis own gender?

· Why does he feel so inferioras a man?

· What’s behind all the rageand anger?

· Why is he so bitter and

obsessed upon idealizing theother gender?

· Where did the detachmentcome about with the parentof the same sex?

· When did deception beginto become commonplace?

· How about the distrust and

anger towards God?

· What was the relationshipreally like with Mom andDad?

Chances are that your person



is focused upon “corrective”surgery. You will find that anyof your arguments, thoughsincerely and accuratelygiven, are less than fruitful.

The idea is to keep yourcommunication lines open asmuch as possible. So don’ttalk about or try to dissuadehim from having surgery.

Instead, ask what someoptions might be to theinvasive surgery. Challengethe person to seek healingprayer and in-depthcounseling so hurtfulmemories won’t be carriedany longer, regardless ofwhat they choose to do inthe future. Encourage longand hard looks at theirinsides, as Dr. Larry Crabbsuggests, “identifying yourtemperament, healing painfulmemories, learning to

ventilate buried hurts,reconstructing the damagingimpact of your parent’smistakes, facing destructiveemotions and hiddenagendas and bringing themunder conscious control.”(Inside Out, p.56)

Never accept the story givenas the entire truth. Deceptionhas been the major factor tomanufacture and maintainthe fantasy all along. Do notexpect your person to “comeclean” with you just becausehe’s seeking yoursympathies. Transsexuals

have practiced their lineswith each other well beforemeeting you . Having “beenthere and done that,” I canguarantee you that you will

be told the most convincingstory in order to persuadeyou to cooperate with them.Discernment is needed to tellwhether your person is trulyseeking help and change ormerely wanting to argue hispoint or gain sympathy andacceptance.

It is not meant to bedemeaning when I assertthat lies are commonplacewith those afflicted withgender identity disorders. It’s just the facts! So be waryand wise.

One, which immediatelyconfuses the caregiver andquickly wins sympathy is, “I

am a hermaphrodite orintersexed person, (havingboth sets of genitalia) andmy doctors recommend thatI have surgery to bring myinner personality into properalignment with myreconstructed body.” Whenyou are told this story youwould be wise in asking fortheir medical records tosubstantiate the claims that agenuine physiological/birthanomaly/ambiguity existsand can only be remedied bysurgical intervention. Do notaccept medical records thatinform you of this without



thoroughly checking theirsource of origin. It isrecommendable that youobtain a release ofinformation request form to

enable you to personallyconfer with their physician.Transsexuals can come upwith all kinds of convincinglyforged documentation inorder to get you to validatetheir neurosis.

Within your pastoral carethere should be ample timefor prayer ministry.Saturations of healing prayerare most warranted. Havingidentified the lie-basedthinking, you can then beginto speak the truth of God’sdeclarations to the woundedsoul. Give much opportunityfor the Lord Himself to speakHis Truth to the heart, too.Once His Truth is spoken,

heard, and appropriatedhealing comes and darknessleaves.

What About the Relatives &Spouse?

One of the most perplexingthings about dealing with theperson afflicted withtransgender confusion is theneed to provide guidance forthe immediate relatives andspouse. What do you say tothe bewildered wife who isshocked by her husband’srecent decision to obtainfemale hormones and seek

sex-reassignment surgery?

Should you arm her with allkinds of scriptures verses tocombat the evil deceptions?

Do you tell her to leave him,or have him find anotherplace to live? What shouldshe do when he comes homeand parades himself in frontof the children as their “otherMom?” Is this ground forseparation or divorce orexcommunication?

Many pastors have carelesslyasked the wife where it is sheis failing him in her refusal tohave more intimatemoments? One minister saidto the distraught wife, “Sure,he is wanting to come to beddressed in your nightgown,but is this deserving such anegative reaction from you?”He told her that perhaps if

she were more sensitive,attractive, or morefemininely dressed herself,he would be satisfied. Maybethe whole thing would berectified if only she weremore understanding andtolerant? What approachwould you take in solving theproblem?

Our recommendation is thatyou turn the spouse andfamily towards theseresources:

Bold Love by Dr. DanAllendar



Love Must Be Tough by Dr.James Dobson

Parents in Pain by John White

When Someone I Love is Gayby Anita Worthen & BobDavies

An Affair of the Mind byLaurie Hall

The Cleavers Don’t Live HereAnymore by Laurie Hall

Living with Your Husband’sSecret Wars by MarshaMeans

From Bondage to Bonding byNancy Groom

Co-Dependent No More byMelody Beattie

Living with your Husband’s

Secret Wars, by Means

Do not try to tell the familyand spouse what they shoulddo. Do point out that thebehavior of their loved one isa major spiritual problem — (idolatry) — as well as adeep-seated emotionaldisorder (gender identitydissociation) which requires

long-term therapy to everresolve. On top of that, themarriage covenant has beenviolated (adultery) throughthe husband’s emotional andsexual encounters with awoman of his fantasies,

which is of course the falsefeminine identity he assumesfor emotional/sexual arousaland climax. There is also thedrive for same-sex

relationships, so that his “being a woman” iscompleted in the sex act.Therefore, we definitelysense that the violations aremany and must be handledwith the greatest possiblecare in order to ultimatelyrestore the person to sanityand his God-given genderrole and spiritual destiny.

Close pastoral andcongregational support ismandatory for the wife andher family. Never permitanyone to convince you thatthis condition is the fault ofthe wife. In most cases,transgender confusion hasbeen deeply set into the

psyche and behavior of theperson long before they everknew or met their wife.

Summary:

You as a pastor orprofessional therapist do notneed to know everythingabout gender identitydisorders to be qualified tohelp. Learn to depend uponeach other within the churchand readily enlist others inthe community of faith forthis person’s restoration.

Don’t panic when you



discover that someone islooking to you for help in thisarea. Quickly delineatebetween those seeking helpand those who are not.

Understand that they aredesperate or they would notbe coming to you. When aperson presents himself forpastoral or counselingoversight for this incrediblyshame-based and lie-basedneurosis, be assured that heis moving in faith and trust,most probably as a “last-ditch effort,” since allprevious attempts to getbetter have failed. So movecarefully, respecting the factthat God is at work.

Expect an increase in thenumber of people coming toyou with this condition. Itseems that more that themedia and medical

community endorse theseperversions, the more peopleseek help. Do not buy intothe myths generated by themedical and popular culturalnorms. Depend upon the loveand conquering power of therisen Christ to dispel the liesand replace faulty thinkingwith inner revelations oftruth.

Make sure that you goabout…

(1) providing a safe place forsecrets to be told andgenuine redemptive love to

be revealed. Be assured thatas you enter into this kind ofministry you will need to be…

(2) prepared for fierce

spiritual conflict. In order tobest understand the heartand soul of the person, it isbest to at least…

(3) obtain a rudimentaryeducation of thepsychological, spiritual, andsocial reasons for thecondition from the resourceswe’ve given. Then it is wiseto…

(4) secure the aid ofprofessionally trainedChristian therapists to comealongside of you in therestoration process. Alwayskeep in mind that…

(5) Ongoing ministry to the

wife and family requiresgreat sensitivity and closepastoral oversight by those inthe church.

It is evident that the Lord isentrusting you with the careof another wounded soul thatcan best be remedied by Hisabundant Grace and Truthexpressed through His Body,the Church.

What people need is otherpeople who will love them tohealth. We all need “Jesuswith skin on.”



End Notes

Renee Richards, “LiaisonLegacy,” Tennis Magazine.March 1999, 31. Joe Dallas

Desires in Conflict (Eugene,Oregon: Harvest HousePublishers, 1991), 100. Ibid.Ibid. 101. Ibid. 102. GordonDalbey, Healing theMasculine Soul (Waco, Texas:Word Publishers, 1988), 37.Leanne Payne, The BrokenImage (Crossway Books:Wheaton, IL, 1991), 43-44.Jennifer Schneider, Back fromBetrayal (New York:Ballantine Books, 1988),189. Laurie Hall, “Making aSafe Place for the Hurting”(The Church at theCrossroads Conference),Cincinnati, Ohio, October 20& 21, 2000. Barry Wilding,Louisville Alive Newsletter,1995, 17 Ibid. 17 Ibid. 18

Ibid. 18 Ibid. 18 Ibid. 19Ibid. 19 Nancy Groom, FromBondage to Bonding(Colorado Springs: Navpress,1991), 100. Dr. Larry Crabb,Inside Out, (ColoradoSprings: Navpress, 1988),55. Ibid, 52.


ge_id=451

Letter to an Unfaithful

Husband

by Betty

I’m going to get right to thepoint and share my heartwith you.

I am so disappointed when I

look at what you are doingwith your life. By yourchoices and actions, it isclear to me that after all ofthese years of walking withthe Lord, you are totallyoblivious to who you reallyare in Him. If you reallyknew, you would not beheading in the direction youare going.

I don’t know exactly whatwas communicated to youregarding your personhoodwhen you were growing up,but I do know that much of itwasn’t positive. Still after allthis time, you’re buying intoit and setting such lowexpectations for yourself. I

believe it is true that we tendto live according to the waywe actually see ourselvesand what we believe are ourcapabilities. Your actions tellme that you see yourself assomeone unable to keep acommitment, one who placeshis hope and value in hispossessions, and one whoknowingly uses others to hisown advantage.

You are living so very farbelow your true calling. I donot believe your destiny isfound in the characteristicsI’ve just described. Most







people are accused of livingabove their means, but youare living BELOW! 1 Peter2:9 says that you are a partof a “chosen race, a royal

priesthood, a holy nation,that you might set forth thewonderful deeds and displaythe virtues of Him Who calledyou out of darkness into Hismarvelous light.”

What does that have incommon with the way youare living now? In MaxLucado’s book, In The Grip ofGrace, he talks about God’sanger at evil. I think that isalso a part of what I’mfeeling right now.

I quote: “Love is alwaysangry at evil. Many don’tunderstand God’s angerbecause they confuse thewrath of God with the wrath

of man. The two have little incommon. Human anger istypically self-driven andprone to explosions oftemper and violent deeds.We get ticked off becausewe’ve been overlooked,neglected, or cheated. This isthe anger of man. It is not,however the anger of God.God doesn’t get angrybecause He doesn’t get Hisway. He gets angry becausedisobedience always resultsin self-destruction. What kindof father sits by and watcheshis child hurt himself.”

Living in Christ, in ourdestiny of purity andwholeness in relationshipwith the Eternal Godhead,does not work by the

suppression of evil inourselves. It is lived outbecause of the awareness ofwho He has destined us tobe. We’re called UP! We’reencouraged and motivatedbecause we get a glimpse ofour true calling in Him andare amazed, astounded,humbled, and grateful thatwe are called “the children ofGod” – sons and daughterswho are to reflect the familylikeness because of His Graceand Mercy.

When we see ourselvesthrough the distorted lensesthat the Father of Lies givesus, we are living up (orperhaps I should say ‘down’)

to that image. And, oh, howhe delights in that – to kill,and steal and destroy theimage of God is us. Since hecannot destroy God, he doesthe next best thing. Hedestroys the “family likeness”in God’s kids.

It is though a loving Fatherwent on a picnic with his son.He had prepared his son’sfavorite foods so they couldenjoy lunch together. Butwhile the father was busyspreading out their “feast”under a sheltering tree, hisson went exploring down a



path in the woods. There hemet a Stranger who enticedhim with another picnic ‘spread’ that looked evenbetter. The son indulged

himself in all there was untilhe could hold no more. Thenhe heard his father calling tohim, “Come and get it!” Butthe son had no desire to goback to his father’s “table.”He was quite satiated. Whathe didn’t know was theStranger’s food was lacedwith a drug that would soonrender him unconscious sothat the Stranger couldkidnap the boy.

I am baffled that you areeating the Stranger’s foodwhen there is a wholesome,life-giving feast prepared foryou with your Father. Itappears that the “drugs”have already taken effect and

you are on your way tooblivion – your consciencebenumbed by the feast of themoment. I am acutely awarethat there are eternalconsequences to yourchoices, yet I know I cannotforcibly drag you away fromdanger.

But I hear the words fromJude, “Refute so as to convictsome who dispute with you,and on some have mercywho waiver and doubt, striveto save others, snatchingthem out from the fire, onothers, take pity but with

fear, loathing even thegarment spotted by the fleshand polluted by theirsensuality.”

This is why I have written.Maybe there is still a chancethat you might hear abovethe deafening voices of yourdesires. This is my prayer.


ge_id=448

RELEASE: An Act of Love

by Betty

At some point along her journey, a wife whosehusband has broken themarriage covenant bypursuing “another love”(homosexuality,transsexuality, pornography,

other women), is faced withsome very difficult decisionsif her husband shows nosigns of desiring or pursuingwholeness and freedom frombondage. Conflicting advicefrom so-called professionals,friends and family oftenleaves her confused and in aquandary as to what is theright thing to do. She hears

everything from “stick it out”to “kick him out!” … andvarying shades in between.Or perhaps he is threateningto leave.

I have learned that whatever







choice a wife is faced with,there is one course of actionwhich is necessary for herown well-being and thefulfillment of God’s purposes

in her life. In fact, once thisis done, a wife is able tomore clearly and accuratelyhear from God and takedecisive steps of action inother issues relating to herhusband.

Having read the title of thisarticle, you know where I amheading. It is found in theword release. This means to “set free from restraint orconfinement.” For a wife, “release” appears to be aparadox because herhusband’s actions andattitudes already belie thefact that he has thrown offthe restraint and confinementthat are found within the

marriage covenant. And as aresult, other relatedrestraints soon fall away:financial accountability,respect for the wife,intimacy, honesty,dependability, and spiritualgrowth.

The release I’m referring tois an internal transaction withGod. It is relinquishing toHim all our efforts (bothovert and covert!) to producechange in our husband andto find our identity in ourspouse. This is not an easyassignment. It feels like a

great loss from ourperspective, because somuch of our time andthoughts and energy havebeen directed toward this

goal. One woman described itlike this: “At first I was soempty I felt like the wind wasblowing through me.” Butultimately it frees us topursue wholeness forourselves and to find our trueidentity in Christ, and inChrist alone.

It is usually accomplished instages over a period of time– not in one big dramaticmoment. And often we needthe help of a counselor or asupport group to pull it off.Then about the time we thinkwe’ve done it, our husbanddoes ‘something’ and we findourselves struggling againwith the same old issues.

When our happiness andwell-being are still bound upin whether or not ourhusband makes the decisionswe want him to make(healthy, wise, decisions!),then there’s more stringsattached than we thought.And if we become angry andbitter and depressed andhopeless if he persists in hisself-destructive ways, thenwe still have too much “vested interests.” BUT if weare able (by God’s Grace!) tofind a measure of joy (amidstthe pain) and purpose andpeace even when he has not






made one move towardchange, then “release” is inprogress.

Perhaps a garden illustration

can help us understand thisbetter. Picture two gardenplots adjoining each other.One garden is mine; one ismy husband’s. There is asimple boundary marker thatindicates where the dividingline is between the two. Inmarriage, we are joinedtogether, but we are still twodistinct people, with personalresponsibility for our ownlives. So both of us have thetask of working in our owngarden – planting, tilling,weeding, fertilizing, watering– yet with the understandingthat it is God who will causeit to flourish. Each gardenhas different vegetables andflowers, because our tastes

and preferences vary fromeach other. But as thevegetables ripen and theflowers blossom, we will besharing with each other theharvest of our labors. Andtogether we will be mutuallynourished and “beautified,”with an abundance to sharewith others. God will behonored through our livesand His design and purposewill be fulfilled.

But one day I look over atmy husband’s garden andsee some weeds beginning togrow. He seems unaware of

them, and so to be helpful, Ipoint them out to him. Heignores me at first. And whenI persist, he tells me that theweeds are not all that big

and won’t harm the plants.He assures me that he’ll keepan eye on them so they don’tspread. And then he looksover at my garden and pointsout a few weeds that I haveoverlooked.

Oh my, I do have someweeds! I’d better get to workon my own plot. After all, myhusband is the one I want tobenefit the most from mygarden. I feel a bit uneasyabout his disinterest in hisown garden, but I leave thematter with him. I decidethat his weeds really arepretty small, and I’m justbeing, as he often says, a ‘perfectionist.’

Time goes by, and one day Irealize that it’s been quite awhile since my husbandshared any of the produce ofhis garden with me. I feel anemptiness and a longing forwhat he’s given me in thepast. So I look over at hisgarden to see what he’sdoing. I can’t believe myeyes! His garden is overrunwith weeds. The plants aregetting choked out, andthere’s barely any fruit onthe vines. Not only that, myhusband is sleeping underthe nearby shade tree.



I run over and shake him,trying to wake him up. “Lookwhat’s happening in yourgarden!” He wakes up with astart. But he pays no

attention to my words ofwarning. His focus is not onthe garden, but me. Hiswords are harsh and angry. “Can’t a man get any restaround here? What on earthare you doing? You aremaking a fuss about nothing!Get off my back!”

I try to reason with him, tryto tell him what’s happeningto his garden – thateverything’s going to die ithe doesn’t do something. Buthe turns a deaf ear to me,rolls over, and goes back tosleep.

What now?! But of course!Why didn’t I think of it

sooner? I’ll step in and takeover … just for a little while … just to get it back into shapefor him. Frantically, I grabmy hoe and start hackingaway at the weeds. Thingsare even worse than Ithought! No time to waste!

Days later, I’m leaning on myhoe, utterly exhausted,because I can’t seem to getahead. The weeds sprout upfaster than I can hack themdown because I don’t have enough strength to dig themup by the roots. As I standthere with the sweat

dripping, I hear the sound ofhis snoring coming frombeneath the tree. And theanger I’ve been trying ignorebegins churning within me.

What kind of man is he … tolet his wife wear herself outon his garden?! He should bedoing it himself. He shouldcare enough about me tocome right over, take the hoeout of my hand, and say, “Darling, please go rest.Thanks so much for yourhelp, but I’ll take over fromhere.” But, no, he hasn’tlifted a finger! And besidesthat, I’m not only tired – I’mfamished!

I decide to stop for a whileand pick some produce frommy own garden. Come tothink of it, I haven’t eventhought about my gardensince I tackled his. I shield

my eyes from the sun andlook over my plot. I can’tbelieve my eyes! Mine looksworse than his! Some hungrygarden pest has attacked theleaves and they are riddledwith holes. I’ve got to getsomething to kill them offright away or my crop will bea total loss. Fear anddesperation grip me. Howcan I survive? I not onlyhave to take care of hisgarden, but mine, too! Andthat’s too much … just toomuch!

Suddenly I hear my own



words. I stop and repeatthem aloud to myself. “It’s just too much!” And I see thetruth of what I’ve said. It istoo much. Why? Because I

have taken on more than Ican handle … or even shouldhandle! I’ve overstepped mybounds by taking theresponsibility that is not mineto own.

But what will happen to hisgarden? What will happen tohim? What if he doesn’t wakeup in time? How can I justwalk away? But, then again… how can I stay?!

I turn and walk toward thefigure under the tree. Myheart is pounding, but I knowwhat I have to do. Firmly,but lovingly, I grasp hisshoulders and awaken him.He looks up, his lips begin to

curl in anger. “What the@#?!!”

I look directly into his eyes. “I’ve tried to help you. Ithought it was the lovingthing to do. But now I seethat I’m not doing you ormyself any favors. Yourgarden is in real trouble.Everything will die if youdon’t start working on it. Butthat’s up to you. I’m goingback to take care of my owngarden.” I lean over, kiss himon the forehead, and walkback across the boundaryline to my own.

I fervently pray that he willnot go back to sleep – thathe will see the truth of whatis happening and take actionin time to save his garden.

Then we could again havesweet and intimateexchange. I don’t yet knowwhat he will do; I have nocontrol over the outcome.But one thing I do know. Imust care for my own plot ofland, even though there isdeep pain in my heart for myhusband. In time I will reapthe fruit of my labors, andnot only will my life benourished, but there will bean overflow for others. Andagain my life will glorify God.


ge_id=445

Transsexual Regret

Letters

THE TRANSSEXUALEXPERIMENT

by Dr. Robert Stoller

This was published as “TheTranssexual Experiment,” in1976. It explains whytranssexuals eventuallyregret SRS.

Such a travesty.

”Although she had long sincesucceeded in passing as awoman, this did not solve the







routine miseries of her life;so life is dull, not glamorous.After her male genitals wereremoved and an artificialvagina constructed, she

reported great pleasure andorgasm in intercourse withmen. But as the yearspassed, she had increasingdifficulty in reaching orgasm.It seemed possible that waspartly the result of aninhibition due to her feelingthat she somehow retainedinside her body a part of herold, former, male self. Eachsex act was not only anerotic experience but also atest of the success of herbody transformation, andsince her partner’s penis wasin there where ‘he’…herboyhood still lived, thepatient could never relax intothe safety of a completesense of “femaleness”… the

evidence rose to the surface,and it could be seen (not justsurmised) that the “boy” yetlived deep within her andthat it was this sense of “his”presence that made itimpossible for her in her reallife to be fully penetrated in apsychologically meaningfulway. She experienced

maleness as occupying only asmall part of the total spaceof her sense of herself, but,since that small space was anintegral as a vital organ, itwas not possible to extirpateit….she could never be fullystirred, never abandon

herself completely to anyrelationship (non-sexual aswell as sexual), and neveraccept and give intimacyfrom any part of her depths

for fear that this most privatepart would be entered. Shewas not trying to preserve itbecause it was precious; shewould have preferred not tohave it. However, sherecognized that it (“he”)could not be removed.

Dr. Stoler said, “Somewherewithin yourself youremember you’re differentfrom other girls because youstarted out as a boy and yousay…even though it doesn’tshow to anybody, you can’tlose that memory completely.

I am looking for YOU – afeeling that you have ofbeing you. Now that’s a very

dangerous search for you,because you never know ifyou are going to run uponthe boy you once were….youcan’t ever say, “When I was alittle girl, I sure envied theboys, I wished that I hadbeen a boy…’”You don’t saythat. What you say is, “WhenI was (not that I imagined Iwas), I WAS.

Am I going to come uponthat? And if I come uponthat, then that means thatfor that moment while Iremember it, I AM again’. Youknow that, that’s what



memories do; they make usexperience in a small wayagain. But you know it’s O.K.for a woman to experienceagain the memory of when

she was a little girl….WhenYOU go back, you at someplace cross over a bridgewhich separated one countryfrom another…and thatdoesn’t happen to ANYBODYelse.

This represents a problem ofidentity-that we not onlyhave to be ourselves butmust be free to let othersknow it. Without thatfreedom, the transsexualgrows toward despair,KNOWING that there willnever be the chance toreveal oneself with the mostimportant people……evenwith hormones, surgery, andpassing as a woman, the

effort is not quite successful,because of the feeling ofhaving been-and at a deeperlevel of still being-malecannot be extirpated.

There is never a day freefrom fear of discovery, orfrom the struggle withmanaging the process ofpassing. That struggle neverends; one can only defendagainst the presentemergency.

Response to “TheTranssexual Experiment”

Dr. Stoller’s article is one ofthe toughest for me to readon your site.

Just the fact that the

boyhood can’t be extirpated,the psychological living as aboy and all its excessbaggage….and that passing isnot over with SRS… thatpassing is an ongoing thingand the boyhood blocks theromantic, sexual and socialgiving of oneself-even moreso amongst those who aremost important. Perhaps youhave found the reason whyCalpernia and Conway andthe other 4,000 sites need tokeep posting…it is an endlessand ongoing attempt topass…and each “success” atpassing is like a “quick fix”…ithalts the anxiety and is aband aid until the nextattempt is needed…it finally

wears on people, that theyonly defend against thepresent need to pass, andfuture needs to pass showthem blatantly that theirboyhood is manifestingitself..in other words, theboyhood keeps strikingback..it doesn’t matter iftechnology becomes so thatbiological normal womanhoodcan be achieved-ovaries, anduterus and pregnancy… theboyhood is etched for good inthe memories…in the “zillions” of memory neuronsand one will never knowwhen “he” will pop up.





It is one of the saddestthings I’ve ever read on yourwebsite, and just tears atme.

Simon

TOO LATE, TOO LATE!

Actually it’s way too late forme, almost eight years toolate. Every therapist,psychologist, and psychiatristthat I ever saw told me that Iwas a transsexual. What theyneglected to tell me was thatI would lose everything byfollowing their advice. Eventhe Internet groups did theirbest to push me in thisdirection, never once saying “slow down, make sure thatthis is right for you!” I evenremember one group thattold me what to say to apsychiatrist in order to get a

letter for surgery. Even whenI expressed doubts just daysbefore surgery, my so-calledfriends said that it was “normal to have secondthoughts” and that I wouldfeel better once everythingwas complete. But it didn’tget better, it got worse.While I had expected to betreated differently, I neverexpected that I’d be treatedworse than a dog. (But that’sanother story.) Sincetransitioning, I’ve becomedisabled and am on a fixedincome. That’s just one morething that they failed to warn

me about…

PS. If it would help someoneto not make the samemistake as me, you’re

welcome to use my posts. Ofcourse, if you’d like me to gointo more detail, I’d bewilling to say more on thesubject. But above all, pleaseadvise your readers to behonest with their therapistsand not tell them what theythink that they want to hear.There are people on theInternet who are more thanwiling to tell people what tosay in order to get thediagnosis of “transsexual”,even if it’s not really right forthem.

I’m at “work” at the momentand I really should be “working”. I’ll send you mywhole story when I get

home, after my therapistappointment. When I placethe word “work” inparenthesis, I’m doing sobecause, even with threemaster’s degrees, the best Ican manage is a volunteerposition in a college library.While I’m currently acceptedhere, it’s more as a “something else” than eithera man or a woman. That’show I live, as a “somethingelse”, as a non-sexual. Idon’t think that there’s anyreal sense in my trying to bea “man” anymore. I’ll justhave do my best and try to



survive as this, to live withmy mistakes, and realize thatI’ll be alone for the rest ofmy life. I’ve attached apicture of my very “feminine”

self. What was I thinking? Iwas an ugly man, and I makean even uglier woman

Alice

LETTERS OF REGRET FORSURGICAL SEXREASSIGNMENT

Hello, and may the grace ofour Lord and Savior, JesusChrist, be with you!

I am a post-op (6 yrs) M2F. Ihad been a Christian prior tomy transition and – praiseGod – came back to himearly this year. I have noneed to transition back tomale, and am in a place

where God is using me forhis kingdom. I have a MS inengineering, but he hascalled me back to college topursue a degree inpsychology and minister tomentally ill individuals withinthe church.

I think you have a greatministry and pray you willcontinue. If I had it all to doover again, I would notchange my sex. And, I wouldstrongly counsel anyoneconsidering doing it to not doit.

Blessings!

——————————————————————————–

Dear Bill,

I have read your articles onTranssexualism and a lot ofwhat I’ve read applied to me.I am a 33 year oldtranssexual. I am now 8 yrspost op and I guess for thelast 4 years I have grownincreasingly unhappy withmy situation. I now feel thatin my attempt to run awayfrom my “manhood,” it hastaken me down this roadwhich I now feel very alone,unhappy, lonely, andsaddened — by what I havedone to those around me andmyself. I guess I feel trappedin the sense that while mostof my family have supported

me or eventually comearound to the new me, Idon’t know how I can againface them and say what Ihave done is a mistake; notto mention how do I tell myfriends, co workers andothers that I have built upover the last eight years thatthis is all a mistake … a “falseface.” I don’t know how evento start to explain this toanyone.

I think people who don’tknow about my past see meas very aloof, distant, andsomewhat unapproachable.



Its not that it’s just I amunhappy with who I am andwhat I have become. Everymorning I wake up and lookin the mirror I see someone

that instantly says what I amnot! Getting dressed inclothing, that whileappropriate for my “currentstate,” does not come closeto who I am. I go out withmy “friends” and listen totheir little stories, adventures… and pretend to beinterested in what they aresaying and making mycomments, but I just findthis to be totally absurd, andnot of the least bit of interestto me, however I go alongwith it as they are my friendsand I feel some sort ofobligation to offer support tothem.

I work in an office for a large

company. After I get home, Ican’t wait to get out of theclothes that I wear and justput on jeans and a shirt; pullmy hair back and relaxsaying, “god it feels good tobe out of those clothes! It’sso strange since I can vividlyremember when I actuallycouldn’t wait to wear them,and the time when I wouldbe living full time as awoman. Well, let me tell youafter doing it for this long itsnot cracked up to be likewhat I would have expectedor felt it was.

I just want to go back to whoand what I was before all thishappened! Can you help me?

Anna

——————————————————————————–

Hi Bill. What a real blessingto find your site and the truthand gentle insight you give.My name is Janet, and I am amale-to-female transsexual.I am 51 years old, and hadmy surgery at the age of 24.Have I ever been happy? No,not really. I had alwaysthought that having mysurgery would finally allowme to feel “normal” – what a joke! Not until I found mySavior Jesus a year ago haveI felt true happiness. I hadalways “thought” I was aChristian-after all, I was

raised Southern Baptist, andhad been baptized at the ageof 11. But I never had reallytruly accepted Jesus as myLord and Savior. Believe me,I have tried so many ways tofill that “emptiness.” I alwaysfelt deep in my heart atremendous void. I havebeen an alcoholic, a cocaineaddict; I have tried everydrug known to exist, I havebeen very promiscuous (inthe vain attempt to “validate”or “affirm” my femininity). Ihave been hooked onmaterial possessions, I havebeen a stripper;



I modeled for Playboy-andnone of it, NONE of it,brought me happiness. Ifinally have found the peaceand joy I have always

craved, by my belief in Jesus.Looking back, I see many ofthe things you have talkedabout in my own life;

* a distant, unloving father

* a domineering mother

* always feeling “different”

* being a sissy; thereforebeing tormented andshunned by others, etc.

I see now that many thingsin my childhood that causedme to turn to transsexualityand SRS surgery. But now Iam in a quandary for I simplycannot see how I can live as

a man again.

I look in the mirror and thinkhow ridiculous I am-but thethought of living as “Jim”again frightens and seems soforeign to me. I talked to aradio pastor once andexplained my situation to himand he said that he wouldhave counseled me not to

have had the surgery if I hadcome to him before, but thatyou can’t unscramblescrambled eggs so to speak,and that I should ask God forforgiveness, (I got on myknees and did), and take a

vow of celibacy, which I haveand have no problem withthat decision…and to live therest of my life focused onChrist which is what I intend

to. Do you have anysuggestions?

Janet

——————————————————————————–

My name is now Marilyn. Iwas born male and of coursegiven a male name. I was asensitive child. A bit differentand very quiet; I liked thepeace of the countryside andthe beauty of nature, to beby myself, alone.

In an attempt to betterunderstand the psychologicalreasons for the choices Ihave made, I have been

reflecting upon my familyupbringing. One of the firstemotionally damaging eventswas when, at the age of four,my own father sexuallymolested me and my sisters.He’s dead now. He was agentle man but very forcefulwhen it came to meeting hissexual needs. He was 52when I born. I guess a life ofgambling and many otherexcesses flattened hisdreams and aspirations. Hiswork prevented my seeingmuch of him. So, I was lessthan interested in being likehim.



My own life’s experience intransition through childhood,puberty and adulthood wasstormy, confusing, and filledwith heartache. I simply

became lost in a world ofalcohol and confusion.

While hitching around thecountry I once was given alift in the vehicle of apredatory homosexual. Heintroduced me to his world.It disgusted me, butstrangely fulfilled a need. Igravitated to this place offand on for several years.

When I became 24, I marrieda 16 year old girl, whichdidn’t help at all. Thatmarriage lasted four years.We had two girls. May Godforgive me for being a rottenhusband, father and provider.I know that He has. (I John

1:9)

In my early teenage years, Ideveloped quite a liking forwomen’s clothes. Thatattraction to women’sfashions may have startedearlier, but I am not certainof that.

Let me tell you about my firstactual meeting of a man whowas in transition to becominga woman. He was takingfemale hormones and lookedvery much like a woman. Iwas shocked to very roots ofmy soul to see this. It was

then and there that a dooropened in my mind. Manyquestions began to flood myown mind. “Perhaps I am likehim,” I reasoned.

It wasn’t too long aftermeeting him that I paid apersonal visit to his/herdoctor. I said that I hadfeelings which told me that Iwas a woman trapped in aman’s body. That soundedright.

Two months later I wastaking female hormones andforging friendships with manyothers who attended trans-gender support groups. Aftersome time had passed, mypsychiatrist asked me if thiswas what I really wanted. Myanswer was, “morehormones please”.

I had friends and wasbecoming very popular. Thatwas something very foreignto my life’s experience. It feltgood. Eighteen months latermy body had becomefeminine in appearance, tothe extent that when Idressed as a woman in publicplaces I was fully accepted asa woman; totallyundetectable to anyone asreally being a man inwomen’s clothes, except myclosest family and friends.Although I was 5’11″, mybone structure was neverlarge, strong, or particularly



masculine.

I was amazed…this was theanswer to all my problems.Or so I thought.

But then I began to seriouslyquestion the morality of whatI was doing. I threw all myfemale hormones away a fewmonths before my scheduledoperation. It just seemedwrong. But my doctor gaveme some more andpersuaded me that I was infact doing the best thing formyself and would never besorry for having my sexchanged to that of a woman.Finally, I reasoned within myown mind, arguing that it’sOK, saying that my beingupset is just a “case ofnerves”.

SEX REASSIGNMENT

SURGERY

Four years after I hadinitiated the taking of femalehormones I flew toSingapore. I presentedmyself to a leading ‘SexChange’ surgeon. I had a 45minute interview on Fridayand another one hour consulton Monday. The satisfiedsurgeon then invited me tocome back the next day inpreparation for my surgery,which was scheduled forWednesday morning.

MANY REGRETS

I have had many regretssince that time. I have beenfortunate enough to travelextensively throughout theworld. Wherever I have

traveled, the Lord hasbrought me into contact withChristians who would “readme,” and ask such questionsas “Do you know God?” Myclassic answer to thatquestion was “Oh, yes!” That was just to keep them quiet.

One of the most spookythings occurred when on aflight from Memphis toNashville. A book on Bibleprophecy had been left onmy seat. That was somethingof a “heads-up moment” forme. Soon after that, Godgave me a dream. I wasfacing a crossroad. To my leftwas a graveyard. And to myright, upwards along a steep

winding path was a church. Iseemed to be dressed inministerial clothes of somesort. I never quiteunderstood what that dreammeant, if anything.

Over the next few years Icame to know Jesus Christ asmy Lord and Savior.

After that I had been facedwith the truth of thewickedness in what I hadbeen doing as a post-operative male-to-femaletranssexual. The Bible saysthat sodomy between males



is wrong. That physical,sexual relationships betweenmen is wrong, just as it isbetween women. Devastated,I cried, “Oh dear ! Where

does that leave me?”Although I had been keepingpretty much to myself, I cutoff all physical contact withother men. I then began todress primarily in pants andtops, but I still looked like awoman. I then stoppedtaking the female hormones.

I want to glorify my God andrecommence living as a man,but it’s a hard row to hoe.Just getting the courage tostart taking males hormonesis a real battle. Living as aman again will inevitablydestroy existing friendships. Iwill be shocking to peoplewho have come to know meas a woman. But I can’t go

on like this for much longer.

Just getting the courage totake that first step on theroad to reclaim my manhoodis hard. I know that JesusChrist will supply my needs. I just need to pray more.

God Bless to you Marilyn

——————————————————————————–

My image of masculinity wasnot the best, and my imageof femininity was overlyglorified and false. This has

led (in my case) to onescrewed up life.

The hardest person to forgivein all this mess is of course

— me. Why would anyonelike, (let alone love), me. Ifthey only saw the mess I’vemade of my life they wouldavoid me like typhoid Mary.Yet amazingly I am veryloved. The Lord has provedover and over again howvery much He loves me andso has Penny. If the Lordloves me so much why didn’the protect me when I wasgrowing up? The simple truthis — He did and He is. Butwithout pain there is nogrowth and more importantlythere is no empathy for thepain of others. The truth isthe Lord has shaped me for apurpose and though I maynot always understand what

that purpose is I know Heallowed it because He Lovesme. That’s not just aplatitude or convenientsaying. I know that asbedrock truth in my heart. Itwas not an easy lesson tomaster but I’m finally seeingthe truth of it.

Not only that but I don’twant to run away from who Iam anymore. Are there manythings to learn and face up to— YES! But to be an ”islandunto one’s self “ is amiserable way to live. Mywife and I are finally starting



to rediscover intimacy — it isa work in progress. There issometimes pain — but thereis also great reward! TheLord through the Holy Spirit

is constantly illuminating myself-centeredness and myselfishness. Is it a pleasantthing to behold — NO! But Imust allow the Holy Spirit todeal harshly with thesethings. I don’t want to be incharge anymore — I havefound through experiencethat it’s really lonely at thetop.

Let me make mention of thehouse church I attend. I havestated, “There are Christianpeople here (including ALL ofmy pastors) who know aboutmy struggles. I belong to acare-ring of believers as wellas my regular church yet Ihave no real support system

concerning these issues. Thesimple truth is it’s morereality than most peoplewant to know. Most of thetime they don’t know how torespond anyway.” The Lordhas been leading me to theconclusion that these areexactly the people the Lordwants to use to deal with theissues I’m facing. Onceagain, this isn’t about genderconfusion — I don’t need tobe convinced that God didn’tmake a mistake by makingme male. It’s simply aboutliving the Christian life — it’sabout discipleship, it’s about

my sanctification for Godspurposes.

——————————————————————————–

If someone were to haveasked me years ago if Iwould ever regret having a “sex change,” I would havegiven them the definiteanswer, “NO!” I knew what Iwas doing. Looking backnow, with more informationand experience, I can nowsay I really didn’t know whatI was doing; but now I knowmore about the real issues,the real reasons for why wetransgender men haveeventually believed life wouldbe better playing dress-upthe rest of our lives.

I’m choosing to return tobeing a male because when it

comes down to it, I really ama male and never can un-become a male; nor can Iever truly become a female.There are some things deepinside a person that a so-called “sex change” cannever change…and becomingthe male I never allowedmyself to be is going to berewarding to me. It will bereally nice to not have topretend being a girlanymore.

Alex

———————————————



———————————–

Though I’ve been pleasedwith my new breasts andthought I looked attractive,

(which was reinforced by thecompliments of mytransgendered circle offriends), I neverthelessbecame depressed. I wasnever able to be happy orfind true love. I was in lovewith a guy that I thought wasthe best thing that had everhappened to me. But he wasabusive. Despite the abuse,there was almost nothing Iwould not have done for him.But it was all for nothingbecause he left me forsomeone younger.

In the homosexual andtransgender life, youth isvery important. As a result, Iwas obsessed with my body

and personal appearance.Acceptance by others in thislifestyle requires a good bodyand good looks.

In order to be part of thetransgender crowd, menmust meet certain criteria.We have to have moredominate female features; inother words, look more like awoman than she actuallydoes. So we had to havebigger breasts, more shapelyhips, flawless complexion,etc. In order to keep up, Ihad to buy the mostexpensive creams, take a

regiment of hormone pills, domy makeup in the mirror forhours, etc.

It took me a long time to fix

myself up and keep up withthe beauty regimen,especially since I was nottruly a woman. So although Ilooked better than most ofthe women out there, it wasall a charade because I wasnot even a woman to beginwith — and it took so long forme to look like one. Going toa bar or party as a womanwas hard work. Theperformance was aneveryday lie.

But the praise from theothers in my crowd oftransgender friends kept megoing. I was the center ofattention and felt important.When younger transgenders

joined us, I took morehormone estrogen pills tolook more physically female,even though the increaseddosage made me physicallyill.

One time I saw myself from aside mirror and wasfrightened because I thoughtit was someone else. At onepoint, I was so depressedand lonely that I went to thepublic rail system wanting tobe rescued, even if it meantgoing to jail. I carried half agallon of whiskey and wassobbing on the public bench.



It was raining that night andI urinated on myself over andover again. I was drunk. Ifelt sorry for myself becauseno one else was. After many

letdowns like this, I wantedto change my life.

No one reached out to me, soI turned to Christ andstopped taking hormones.Slowly I began to look likethe gender of my birth. Iwent back to calling myselfby my male name, the onemy parents gave me and thatI had abandoned all thoseyears when I was trying tomake believe I was a female.I began to see that I was anew creature in Christ. Ibegan to like myself andassociate with people whowere Christians. They lovedme unconditionally and Ididn’t have to always look

“beautiful” to be with them.

Eventually, no one could tell Ihad been a female for allthose years – except for onething. I still had my breasts.So now I was a man withfemale breasts. What hadonce given me so much pridewas now a source of agonyfor me. I did not have themoney to pay a surgeon andhospital operating room toremove the silicone from mybreasts. Of course, theprocedure was not coveredby insurance. I didn’t knowwhere to turn for financial

assistance, because I felt noone would understand how Igot into this mess andinstead tell me I deserved it.But I knew God did not want

me to live like this. He hadmade me complete in Hislove and He would completeme now.

Finally I located a plasticsurgeon to perform theoperation at a reduced rate.A Christian woman financedthe operation. Who wouldbelieve that people could beso kind to make suchcontributions for someonelike me?

There was a lot ofanticipation and anxietywaiting for the day of myreversal surgery. I thoughtthat day would never arrive,and when it did, I was

scared. At one point I beganto think I did not deserve it.

After the surgery was over, Ilooked down to see the finalresults and I never lookeddown again. Now I could dothe things I had alwayswanted: go to the gym, meetpeople, try on clotheswithout fearing that someonewould walk in on me, andbecome more physicallyactive. I began to experiencea confidence I had never hadbefore.

Today I am ready for the



Lord to move me to anotherlevel so that He will continueto work in my life. Jesuschanged both my body andsoul. I have been changed to

be unchangeable. Not in amillion years did I ever thinkI would be giving thistestimony. Take it from me,regardless of what you havedone or who you did it with,when God is in you, your lifewill never be the same. JesusChrist is the best thing thathappened to me. He is morebeautiful than any woman Icould ever try to be.

Sammy

——————————————————————————–

Note: We do not publishanything on the websitewithout written consent and

even with that permissiongranted, all names arefictitious, etc. I’d be open tothe prospect of yoursubmission, but that wouldonly come after I havebecome much betteracquainted with you and yourlife’s story. I do not wantanything on our website thatmisrepresents or is notactually true…so I take mytime and cover all of thenecessary bases beforepublishing…since I desire tohave a correct, truthfulrepresentation on anythingthat we put out. Heaven

knows how that standard isnot upheld by the typicaltranssexual website.

Thanks for writing and being

willing to share.

Bill


ge_id=437

A Final Farewell to

Jennifer Elaine

(Taken from Bob’s PersonalJournal)

This week I have determinedto put an end to the personalinsanity I have lived calledtranssexuality, and its finalnightmarish, freakish end ofsex reassignment surgery;the frontal lobotomy of the

20th Century.

To begin to write about themultitudes of other times ofsuch determination would bechronicled in yet anotherongoing journal entry andalready over-stuffed photoalbum.

I’m really tired and want to

simply call it quits before Icross a line no man can passback over. I don’t know if orwhen I may recant and/orretreat, turning my back tothe Spirit, and yield oncemore to my terribly







weakened flesh, (my mortalenemy), in another failedattempt to win the relentlessbattle; only to once moreface the same unrelenting

anguish.

Heaven knows theinnumerable other attemptsto kill off thesedesires/compulsions.Neverthess, I am determinedto die to these degradingpassions and live in thelifestream of God’s Spirit, bythe unending mercies of aliving Savior.

After all of these decades ofwrestling and losing,sometimes winning, regularlycapitulating, I want to makea final declaration … that Iam absolutely done withcross-dressing, the ingestionof female hormones and

cross-living. It’s killinganything decent in me andthreatens most formidably todestroy all that I enjoy andlove about my humaness,manhood, life, Christianity,marriage, family relations,and fleeting moments ofsanity.

So, herein is my signatureand promise to desist inanything having to do withassuming the fantasy role ofthe feminine personna,Jennifer Elaine, so help me,God!

Bob


ge_id=429

Venus Envy

God will give us all we needfor living a truly good life,saving us from the lust androttenness all around us. 2Peter 1:3

Venus Envy by Bob

In a recent issue of a popularwoman’s magazine, therewas an article entitled, “Boyswill be Girls.” It told aboutthe effects of the feministmovement upon the genderconfusion that prevails in oursociety today.

The International Foundation

for Gender Education claimsthat an estimated 3 to 5percent of the malepopulation likes to cross-dress.

Testimonials arrive in ouroffice on a regular basis frombewildered men, most ofwhom are heterosexual,some of whom are married,

expressing their pain inwanting to be able to dresslike and be women on a part-time basis.

Gender-dysphoria is a muchmore wide-spread









phenomenon than oursociety is willing to admit.And I believe that thefeminist movement hasplayed a large role in the

deception. Veronica Vera, adevout feminist andtransvestite/transsexualadvocate, said in the OctoberIssue of “Bazaar Magazine”that cross-dressing is “theflip side of the feministmovement. The feministmovement was all aboutneeding to share in the maleexperience, to get out of thebedrooms and into theboardrooms. But, meanwhile,men have suffered from whatI call Venus envy. There is adeep need in men to feelsoft, to be glamorous, to dohousework.”

More has gone into theshaping of trans-gender

confusion than the feministmovement, but it has playeda very significant role inushering in untold sufferingin men and women’s lives.

ENVY is the root evil in thetrans-gender lifestyle. Thisenvy of the feminine (ormasculine, by girls) is deeplyentrenched in one’s thoughtsand emotions by puberty.The normal joys of childhoodare stolen by the incessantdemands of envy. When alittle boy should be prayingfor a new Tonka truck, heearnestly prays to wake up in

the morning as a girl.

Rita Bennett has addressedgender dysphoria: “Whatcauses a man to want to lose

his identity? In one examplehis parents had wanted a girlfrom birth. Children who arenot wanted (or whose genderis strongly rejected) don’thave a sense of being.Serious illnesses can alsohave harmful psychologicaleffects on children. Then,too, he may have felt henever could measure up towhat had been modeled asmale.”

The underlying difficulty (sin)in the trans-gender confusionis envying the role of theopposite sex. It appears thatlife would have been muchmore tolerable if only Godwould have assigned another

sexual role. Many extol thenotion that they are simplycaught in a “third-sex”syndrome. Others professthat they are simplyexpressing their dominantfeminine/masculine sidewhen cross-dressing.

ENVY IS THE BASIC ROOTISSUE that needs to bedirectly confronted inunlocking the mystery andconfusion for the transvestiteand transsexual. A simple(yet profound) exercise is towrite out just what oneenvies about the other sex.



The next part of the exerciseis to record those things youfind so distasteful about yourown sex. It is easy to seethat envy is the nutrient

feeding our inner lust.

Cross-dressing is not just aninnocent act. It is the resultof deep-seated envy and willnever be satisfied with thestatus-quo of occasionalepisodes of crossing genderlines in mannerisms anddress.

As one sibling said of hertranssexual brother, “Irealized that his lifetimestruggle had not been tobecome something orsomeone, but to destroysomething. It seemed to methat Jim was shaking his fistat God, saying, `I hate theway you made me, and see .

. . I did something about it.’”

Envy nourishes our lusts andwill never be satisfied untilwe are consumed byfantasies, self-destructivebehavior, and excruciatingemotional pain.

Ultimately, we lose touchwith reality and jeopardizeour relationship with God. Asone famous transsexualfemale impersonator said ona recent television talk-show, “Reality and I have partedcompany a long time ago.”

It is helpful to understandthat “Blessed (happy, to beenvied ) is the man who ispatient under trial and standsup under temptation, for

when he has stood the testand been approved, he willreceive (the victor’s) crownof life which God haspromised to those who loveHim. Let no one say when heis tempted, I am temptedfrom God; for God isincapable of being temptedby (what is) evil and HeHimself tempts no one. Butevery person is temptedwhen he is drawn away,enticed and baited by hisown evil desire (lust,passions). Then the evildesire, when it hasconceived, gives birth to sin,and sin, when it is fullymatured, brings forth death.Do not be misled, my

beloved brethren.” James1:12-16 (Amplified,emphasis mine)

People have expressed it inmany ways, but for us whofight against the compulsionsto cross-dress, it seems likea war that we cannot win.One such “fighter” said it thisway: “I don’t feel like I’vemade any progress at all withthis. Since we last talked Ihave cross-dressed severaltimes. I’ve given into cross-dressing for so long now thatI don’t know what I would dowithout it. Is it really possible



many more!

The act: Cross-dressing inprivate or public for theerotic “high.”


ge_id=425

The Roller Coaster

by Pete

Step on my roller coasterride. It begins with the easy

flat roll out of normality asthoughts drift in of myimaginative self-creation; I’min something soft andflowing, with perfectmakeup; my body beingclean, smooth, and smellingsweet.

The heart rate climbs, almost

imperceptibly at first, justlike the car ascending themain incline.

If we don’t look over theside, keep our eyes straightahead, there’s little sense ofwhat lies ahead, just abuilding excitement. It’s along hill and there’s no hurry.The higher the climb the

more the exhilaration tocome later. Now theexperience and thoughts aregetting clearer: the blackdress, black stockings,sandals with 3 inch heels,black bra, red lipstick,

enough eye liner to beobvious. We’ve reached thecrest and now comes theheart pounding thrill offeeling the clothes go on and

seeing the makeup cometogether. The car is rollingfast and free and the ride isexhilarating. It’s off with thesoft and flowing and on withthe tight and revealing. Yes,ever more revealing.

But there’s a sharp turn atthe bottom, a ligamentstretching jolt. Therealization that all thesefeminine touches, haven’treplaced the man staringback from the mirror. He’sthere waiting for us. For now,the car is rolling and there’smore to come. Enjoy themoment! Forget him. Moreinclines and plunges, lessthrilling than the first but

better than life back on theground. Then finally one lastbank of the car with stomachturning force, and asickening sensation from theturn, then feeling the carlurch to a stop. The mirrorreflects a freak. An obviousman, looking more like acaricature than a goddess,more clown than woman, andthat sick feeling in the gut isgrowing. But it will pass andthe exhilaration will draw meto the back of the line foranother ride.

The sensible person would









say, “If you enjoy the thrillmore than you hate thenausea, go for it; if not, stopgetting back on, you moron!”Why can’t it be that simple to

me? Why can’t I decidewhich is worse, missing outon the thrill or the nauseathat follows? Why do I keepgetting back on?

I think we all ask ourselvesthat question and the answeris as diverse as we are, butthere are some commonaltiesbetween us. I may bereading something into thestory but whenever I seeJesus coming into contactwith someone who needshealing, He asks them, “What do you want?” Asimple and reasonablequestion but this is The Lordof All Creation asking it.Surely He of all people can

see the obvious need and Heknows all so He knows theneed. Then why thequestion? Is it His aim tocause those coming forhealing to stop and considerwhat it is they most want,where they most hurt, whatis their deepest need? Mysense is that is just what Hewas doing … and is doingwith us today. He is able andready to heal us, but Hewants us to come askingspecifically. We’re not leftalone in this. His Spirit iswithin us converting ourgroaning into sensible

prayers.

So I’m back to my questionwith renewed hope andurgency. Why do I keep

getting back on the rollercoaster? The simple answeris, “it feels good.” Some ofyou will stop there and goaway and enjoy the ride inspite of the nausea thatfollows. But nausea is awarning of greater sicknessto come. Others of you willstop there, denounce yourrebellious and lustful nature,and muster up the resolutionto seek something higherthan temporary pleasure; agood response if you canmaintain the determination.Few of us can for long. Ichoose to look for anexplanation of why it feels sogood. After all, it is anythingbut obvious to most men and

nearly all women that itwould feel good for a man togo prancing about inwomen’s clothes. And even ifthe sexual release that oftenfollows is the goal, why iswomen’s clothing soprovocative?

As already stated, theanswer is as diverse as we,but we share some things incommon.

None of us feel truly at homeamong men.

We sense we are inferior in



some ways to most men, beit physically, intellectually,competitively, skillfully,whatever, we don’t measureup.

We feel ashamed as men.

We may even hate men.

At the extreme, we areconvinced we are biologicallydifferent from normal men,lacking something maleand/or possessing somethingfemale, like hormones orbrain waves or some otherundetectable divergence.

Our outward anatomydoesn’t match our inwardanatomy.

So there’s a small crack intoour thinking that can bechipped at and maybe lead to

an opening into the cavern ofour hearts. Why do I feelinferior? Am I truly inferior?Was I a mistake, a freak ofnature? No evidencesupports an organic cause ofmy feelings. Much as I wouldlove to find some, there isnothing to confirm that mychemistry or biology isanything but male. I’m noteven somewhere on acontinuum between male andfemale. I am woefully wellwithin the confines of normalmaleness. Drat! Theinferiority then must bepsychological, not

anatomical. Oh, I may nothave the anatomy of aprofessional athlete, theintellect of a professor, or theskills of a craftsman, but few

men do — and still mostdon’t find it compelling andthrilling to step out in highheels. I’m left with life’sexperiences, most beyondmy control, that havebrought me to believe I’mnot much of a man. And hereis where we diverge. Ourexperiences are unique toeach one of us and we walkthis part of the path alone aswe seek an answer.

Accompanying our sense ofinferiority as men is a senseof comfort and acceptancewith women. We believe theirworld to be a welcome havenfrom the crude, competitive,harsh world of men. They

express feelings, love beauty,nurture rather thandiscipline, console ratherthan ridicule. In the extreme,we want to become women.To put off all that is male, thebody hair, the sweat, theprotruding and danglinganatomy and to put on allthat is female, the flowinghair, the full breasts, the softcurves, the smoothness, thereceptive anatomy. Again,there is no organicexplanation for thesedesires; I’m left looking forthe psychologicalexplanation. Life’s



experiences have convincedme I would have been betteroff if I had been born afemale. I would have beenaccepted and loved in that

body instead of rejected inthe one I’m living in.

So here I am, stuck in a bodytrying to play the roleexpected for that body, butfeeling all the while I’munsuited for that role. I’mashamed of myself. Ipracticed denial most of mylife, trying instinctively allkinds of strategies to cope. Iam a perfectionist, tryingdesperately to measure up,but that’s impossible andleads to frustration andgreater shame at my inabilityto perform.

I withdrew, choosing aprofession that I thought

would isolate me in a worldwhere I could cope only tofind that world full of bettermen as well. I practicecondemnation of otherstrying to hide my shame bymaking them feel ashamed— but that just drives awaythe ones I need to love me.

I practice anger, lashing outwhen the shame of notmeasuring up boils over inme and I want to scream.Again, I drive away those Ineed. So I’m left withexhibiting my shame,pretending to be the woman

they wanted me to be, tryingto hide my shame byflaunting it for all to see,claiming it doesn’t botherme, this is who I was meant

to be. But that finally drivesaway those who can’tunderstand why I would livein such shame. I’m left aloneand condemned and stillmore ashamed.

The roller coaster is my life.Come on! Get on the ride,enjoy it while it lasts. It willprovide a numbing respitefrom the shame for a timebefore the shame comesback with crushing force. Theonly other line available hasno waiting but I’m reluctantto get in. It’s the one thatleads to Jesus’ face. He’sgoing to ask me, “What doyou want?” Am I ready to tellHim, to ask Him?

Am I ready to allow Him togo with me back into mypast, the family/societaldisappointments and hurts;the many unresolvedmemories … and show methe lies, tell me the truth,and prove to be the Man Ineeded to convince me …Iam a man? Am I ready andwilling to be loved when Iseemingly can’t love myself?


ge_id=420







A Midsummer’s Nightmare

Dear Bill,

I have read your articles on

Transsexualism and a lot ofwhat I’ve read applied to me.I am a 33 year oldtranssexual. I am now 8 yrspost op and I guess for thelast 4 years I have grownincreasingly unhappy withmy situation. I now feel thatin my attempt to run awayfrom my “manhood,” it hastaken me down this roadwhich I now feel very alone,unhappy, lonely, andsaddened — by what I havedone to those around me andmyself. I guess I feel trappedin the sense that while mostof my family have supportedme or eventually comearound to the new me, Idon’t know how I can again

face them and say what Ihave done is a mistake; notto mention how do I tell myfriends, co workers andothers that I have built upover the last eight years thatthis is all a mistake … a “falseface.” I don’t know how evento start to explain this toanyone.

I think people who don’tknow about my past see meas very aloof, distant, andsomewhat unapproachable.

Its not that it’s just I amunhappy with who I am and

what I have become. Everymorning I wake up and lookin the mirror I see someonethat instantly says what I amnot! Getting dressed in

clothing, that whileappropriate for my “currentstate,” does not come closeto who I am. I go out withmy “friends” and listen totheir little stories, adventures… and pretend to beinterested in what they aresaying and making mycomments, but I just findthis to be totally absurd, andnot of the least bit of interestto me, however I go alongwith it as they are my friendsand I feel some sort ofobligation to offer support tothem.

I work in an office for a largecompany. After I get home, Ican’t wait to get out of the

clothes that I wear and justput on jeans and a shirt; pullmy hair back and relaxsaying, “god it feels good tobe out of those clothes! It’sso strange since I can vividlyremember when I actuallycouldn’t wait to wear them,and the time when I wouldbe living full time as awoman. Well, let me tell youafter doing it for this long itsnot cracked up to be likewhat I would have expectedor felt it was.

I just want to go back to whoand what I was before all this



happened! Can you help me?Andrea

——————————————————————————–

Hi Bill. What a real blessingto find your site and the truthand gentle insight you give.My name is Janet, and I am amale-to-female transsexual.I am 51 years old, and hadmy surgery at the age of 24.Have I ever been happy? No,not really. I had alwaysthought that having mysurgery would finally allowme to f eel “normal” – what a joke! Not until I found mySavior Jesus a year ago haveI felt true happiness. I hadalways “thought” I was aChristian-after all, I wasraised Southern Baptist, andhad been baptized at the ageof 11. But I never had really

truly accepted Jesus as myLord and Savior. Believe me,I have tried so many ways tofill that “emptiness.” I alwaysfelt deep in my heart atremendous void. I havebeen an alcoholic, a cocaineaddict; I have tried everydrug known to exist, I havebeen very promiscuous (inthe vain attempt to “validate”or “affirm” my femininity). Ihave been hooked onmaterial possessions, I havebeen a stripper;

I modeled for Playboy-andnone of it, NONE of it,

brought me happiness. Ifinally have found the peaceand joy I have alwayscraved, by my belief in Jesus.Looking back, I see many of

the things you have talkedabout in my own life;

* a distant, removed, cold,unloving father

* a domineering & attractivemother

* always feeling “different”than other boys/men

* being a sissy; thereforebeing tormented andshunned by others, etc. etc.etc….

I see now that many thingsin my childhood that causedme to turn to transsexualityand SRS surgery. But now I

am in a quandary for I simplycannot see how I can live asa man again.

I look in the mirror and thinkhow ridiculous I am-but thethought of living as “Jim”again frightens and seems soforeign to me. I talked to aradio pastor once andexplained my situation to him

and he said that he wouldhave counseled me not tohave had the surgery if I hadcome to him before, but thatyou can’t unscramblescrambled eggs so to speak,and that I should ask God for



forgiveness, (I got on myknees and did), and take avow of celibacy, which I haveand have no problem withthat decision…and to live the

rest of my life focused onChrist which is what I intendto. Do you have anysuggestions?

Janet


ge_id=416

Running From My TrueSelf

by Kerry (used bypermission)

The Lord has been doingsome major renovation in myheart. The bottom line is Idon’t have a gender identity

problem, for I know exactlywho and what I am. I am aman, I am a child of theliving God, I am thehusband, lover, and friend ofmy wonderful wife (Patricia)and most of all I am who Godcreated me to be — namelyME. To say anything elsewould be a lie. The truth isI’ve been a runaway. I havelived the last forty or soyears trying to be an islandunto myself. There is awonderful song written byBill Deaton (and recorded byBob Carlisle) that expressesmy heart perfectly.

It’s called “A Chance I Haveto Take.”

Down deep inside this heartof mine, there’s a door

locked by design.

Hinges of rust from all thetears, I keep it shut from allmy fears.

But you ask me to let downthe wall, with no defense tocatch my fall.

It’s too late to play it safe,it’s a chance I have to take.

So I choose Love, a Love thatcan take a heart so cold andteach it to break.

Tears may fall along the way,but it’s a chance I have totake.

For I’ve seen a mockerymade of love, everyone talksbut no one does.

So I hide my heart upon ashelf, to never give to anyoneelse.

But I fall apart when I hearyour words, healing will cometo those who learn.

Change never comes to thosewho wait, it’s a chance I haveto take.

For true joy in living is foundonly in forgiving, those







who’ve scared you so – letthem go, let them go.

Now you are asking for mytrust that’s been abused so

very much.

So I give to you the me thatbreaks — It’s a chance I haveto take.

My Own Reflections:

I knew from the time I was asmall boy that my motherwished that I had been born

a girl. I don’t remember herever dressing me in girl’sclothes — I guess the wishitself was enough. My fatherwas a very hard worker andworked the strangest hoursto this day I’ve ever heard of– 1 week of days, 1 week of2nd shift, 1 week of 3rd shiftand then a week that

consisted of 2 day shifts, 2days of 2nd shifts and a dayof 3rd shift. And he did thatfor over 30 years. So he wasalways tired (and a littlecranky). I’m not trying tomake excuses for him. Whenhe didn’t show up for mymusic concerts, my (few)athletic events, or even mywedding day it still hurt me.He always seemed to havetime to play a round of golfor listen to a baseball game.But since I was born 10years after my brother Ialways felt like I was anaccident anyway – perhaps

even a burden.

In the summer (especiallyafter my mother wasdiagnosed with cancer) they

would pack me off to mygrandparents. I adored mygrandmother; of all thepeople in my childhood Iwanted to be just like her.She made time for everyone— and maybe even moreimportantly (to me) she wasthe best cook on the face ofthe planet!!!! I realize nowthat she had qualities Idesperately wanted. She wasa very loving person; shewould go out of her way tobe kind or helpful. She justseemed to have a personalitythat you wanted to bearound. It’s not that shecouldn’t be tough if she hadto be. Believe me, if shecould handle my grandfather

she could handle anybody!

My Grandfather on the otherhand was rather self-absorbed and he loved toplay mind games.

He would take me fishingfrom time to time but thething he enjoyed the mostwas scaring the bejebers outof me. One of his runninggags was to stare at me (justa little crazy) and tell me hewas going to take his strait-edge razor and cut my hairoff in the middle of the night.Or that some morning I



would wake-up hanging bymy feet from the ceiling. Itgave him great joy to passme the butter at the tableand just as I was taking it

he’d give it a little push andthere would be my thumb inthe middle of the stick. Hisfavorite game was “hothands”– you know where youput your hands on top of theother players hands (palm topalm) and you try to moveyour hands out of the waybefore the other player flipshis hands over and slapsyours. My granddad had thefastest hands in the worldand when he slapped you hedidn’t play around. Many atime my hands were beet redbecause I just wasn’t fastenough. My Grandmotherwas always after myGranddad to stop teasingme, but Charley just had an

odd way about him. Thefunniest (perhaps saddest)part of it all is that I’m a lotmore like my granddad thanmy grandmother. But it’s truethat whatever you hate themost (and don’t forgive! )ends up shaping you moreinto its image than you couldever imagine.

So my image of masculinitywas not the best, and myimage of femininity wasoverly glorified and false.This has led (in my case) toone screwed up life.

The hardest person to forgivein all this mess is of course— me. Why would anyonelike, (let alone love), me. Ifthey only saw the mess I’ve

made of my life they wouldavoid me like typhoid Mary.Time to refer to the songlyric’s above. Yet amazingly Iam very loved. The Lord hasproved over and over againhow very much He loves meand so has Patricia. If theLord loves me so much whydidn’t he protect me when Iwas growing up? The simpletruth is — He did and He is.But without pain there is nogrowth and more importantlythere is no empathy for thepain of others. The truth isthe Lord has shaped me for apurpose and though I maynot always understand whatthat purpose is I know Heallowed it because He Loves

me. That’s not just aplatitude or convenientsaying. I know that asbedrock truth in my heart. Itwas not an easy lesson tomaster but I’m finally seeingthe truth of it.

Not only that but I don’twant to run away from who Iam anymore. Are there manythings to learn and face up to— YES! But to be an ”islandunto one’s self “ is amiserable way to live. Mywife and I are finally startingto rediscover intimacy — it isa work in progress. There is



sometimes pain — but thereis also great reward! TheLord through the Holy Spiritis constantly illuminating myself-centeredness and my

selfishness. Is it a pleasantthing to behold — NO! But Imust allow the Holy Spirit todeal harshly with thesethings. I don’t want to be incharge anymore — I havefound through experiencethat it’s really lonely at thetop.

Let me make mention of thehouse church I attend. I havestated, “There are Christianpeople here (including ALL ofmy pastors) who know aboutmy struggles. I belong to acare-ring of believers as wellas my regular church yet Ihave no real support systemconcerning these issues. Thesimple truth is it’s more

reality than most peoplewant to know. Most of thetime they don’t know how torespond anyway.” The Lordhas been leading me to theconclusion that these areexactly the people the Lordwants to use to deal with theissues I’m facing. Onceagain, this isn’t about genderconfusion — I don’t need tobe convinced that God didn’tmake a mistake by makingme male. It’s simply aboutliving the Christian life — it’sabout discipleship, it’s aboutmy sanctification for Godspurposes.

Bob forgive me for taking upso much space and time. Iguess I just needed to writethese things down and talkwith someone who has been

(and is going) through theprocess. I also know Ineeded to hear them myself.I’m sorry for all the junk andhurtful things you have todeal with just to minister tothe needs of others. Hurtpeople, after all, hurt people.Yet I constantly am blessedand helped every time I dropby the website. This ministryhas been a lifesaver and arock to me. I have — and willcontinue to pray for you andBetty.

May God Richly Bless You — Always!

Kerry :~)


Pastoral Oversight of theTranssexual

Shock & Strategic Planning

What approach should you(or do you) take when you’rethe pastor of a member ofyour flock, who wants tochange their birth sex statusby invasive surgery andharmful infusions ofhormones intended only forthose of the opposite







gender?

Perhaps the parishioner haspreviously met with you toinform you that he has

already had the sex-reassignment surgery andnow desires yourunderstanding, cooperation,(if not total sanction!) … inhelping the congregantsadjust to his new role insociety.

Do you allow the man whopresents himself as a femaleto engage in the programs ofthe women’s outreach ofyour church? Or, can he … Imean “she” use the women’sbathrooms with your wifeand daughters? The oldsaying is true: “women knowwomen.” They readily discernthat though the person in thered dress looks and acts like

a sister … there is somethingvery, very wrong. How doyou protect them, theinnocent children, and eventhe unsuspecting men fromthe charade of a “wanna-be-woman?” … or do you evenengage the subject, in thehopes that somehow it willmend itself?

When I presented myself asa new potential femalechurch member to my priest,Rev. Father John, I didn’tmince any words. “Father,’ Isaid, “I know that you arenot aware of all the anguish

a woman like me goesthrough all her life, knowingthat your ‘womanhood’ ismercilessly trapped withinthe frame of a much

despised male body.

The medical world refers topeople like me as atranssexual, or onemanifesting a ‘gender-identity disorder.’

Since I was three years old Iknew that I should have beenborn a girl. Well, I havefinally been able to achievethat lifelong dream throughmultiple surgeries and haveadjusted to my new rolesvery well. What I want to askfrom you and the others onthe pastoral staff is that youaccept me in my newly-givengender role and allow me toattend formal worship

services, women’s functions,retreats, and be totallyassimilated within yourcongregation as a fully-functioning female member. Iwill do all I need to becomeproperly educated in yourchurch doctrines and willfaithfully serve you as anyother woman of your parishdoes. Is that a problem atall?”

He didn’t even blink as heanswered, “No, there is noproblem within thiscongregation with anythingyou have shared. We do not



make such matters an issueof concern; for we know thatyou belong to God and He ishelping you finally come to aplace of inner-peace with

who you were initiallysupposed to be. We do notmake issues of one’s chosenexpression of their sexualityor their choice of genderroles. You are most welcomehere.”

He then initiated a warm hugas I got ready to leave. Aswe parted, he said, “Be sureto come this Sunday to the11 o’clock service, so I canpersonally introduce you toour visiting Bishop followingthe service.” The service wasvery beautiful, especiallywhen receiving the Eucharistfrom my own Parish Priest.Interesting, too, was the factthat the Bishop’s sermon was

centered upon loving andembracing those who werestruggling to find acceptanceby the established Churchbecause of their sexual orgender orientation.

He made it very, very clearthat his own approach wasthat of Jesus Christ: to loveeveryone and not condemnanyone.

Recently a minister asked, “I’m wondering what it isthat I can do to help Stan, aparishioner and very goodpersonal friend, who is now

coming to our churchfunctions dressed in women’sattire? He has actually triedmy patience by his blatant,unannounced attendance to

our woman’s Sunday Schoolclass. What do I do? Whatcan I say without soundingunloving and unsupportive ofhim; but he has placed me insuch an awkward position bynot paving the way byforewarning me of his recentdecisions.”

Another minister wrote, “Lastweek one of the women onmy staff informed me thatshe would be leaving thechurch because her husbandis going to have sexreassignment surgery. She istaking their two children andmoving to her parent’s homein another state to get awayfrom her husband’s influence.

He says he will pursue equalcustody of their two boys,and intends to tell them thatthey now have anothermother.”

Another very frustratedminister asked, “What can Ido with my associateminister, who has justconfessed he is chronicallyinvolved in cross-dressingand parading himself in thepublic as a woman. What isthere I can do besidesdismissing him?”

A more than distraught



pastor inquired, “Last week anice couple came into myoffice for pre-maritalcounseling. They have beenattending our church for

several months . Jack tellsme that he is really a sheand that she is really a he – that they both have switchedtheir sexual and gender rolesin order to fit into a moresatisfying marriage.

They both claim they aresupposed to have beencreated the other sex. Theywant me to perform theirmarriage ceremony. Goodgrief! What do I do?”

I do not know many pastorsor clinical care-givers whowould profess they know howto handle these kinds ofproblems. Seminary andUniversity training does not

adequately prepare studentsto redemptively ministertruth and grace to peopleexhibiting gender and sexualidentity problems.

A pastor or care-giver is onewho has the tremendous taskof helping hurting people tofind peace with themselvesand God; and to live a morepurposeful life. The greatdilemma today is themisinformation, if not all-out-blatant misrepresentations ofTruth, which leaves theafflicted parishionercharacterized as a poor

victim. The popular culturalendorsements and theMedical Communities “blind-leading-the-blind”legitimization of applying

surgical means to correct amental illness, ispreposterous at best! Thesurgical intervention takingplace today is nothing morethan what I refer to as “thefrontal lobotomy of thetwenty-first century.”

One male to femaletranssexual exposes theTruth in a letter:

“Don’t be surprised if yourcase-load increasesdramatically. The long-heldtraditional screening methodsfor candidates for ‘sex-reassignment surgery’ (SRS)continues to deteriorate asso-called transsexuals

themselves take over theMental Health Organizationsand their heavily biasedpromotional literature. Eventhe main screening methodsof the Dr. Harry Benjamin’sInternational GenderDysphoric Association is nowmade up of moretransgendered individualsthan ever before. The truth isthat the majority of theliterature which guides theMedical/PsychiatricCommunity in these mattersis composed by thetransgendered population.Mainstream psychology and



psychiatry has been led tobelieve that psychotherapyand pharmacology have littleor nothing to say about thiscondition by way of helping

to change a patient’sorientation.

They firmly attest that thisanomaly can only be “fixed”or “changed” throughsurgical and replacementhormonal therapy.”

Romans 1:25 clearly statesthat it is common for humansto “exchange the truth ofGod with a lie.”

Stop and think this through.Can you think of any othermedical condition in whichthe patient determines theirown diagnosis and thenexplains the recommendedtreatment plan to the

physician? Why has theMedical/PsychiatricCommunities so completelyacquiesced in theiracceptance of the “one-size-fits-all-mentality?” Could itbe that they are playing Godby performing surgery (ormutilating viable human flesh& skin-folds) in order toprovide a remedy to whatotherwise is a hopelesscondition to remedy?

At the core the real issue wasso well described years ago: “All we like sheep have goneastray; we have turned

everyone to his own way.” (Is53:6)

And let’s not forget Mark’sinjunction that certain

behaviors make a manunclean. Some of them are:evil thoughts, sexualimmorality, theft, murder,adultery, greed, malice,deceit, lewdness, envy,slander, arrogance andfoolishness. Take a casuallook into the transsexualInternet Website to see howeach of these defilingbehaviors and attitudes aremanifested. Then ask thetranssexual person howmany of the above-mentioned behaviors havebecome a part of their lives.Their response, if they arehonestly forthcoming, will bequite an eye-opener!

BASIC DEFINITIONS:

TRANSVESTISM (acrossclothing lines)

“A condition in which sexualarousal and eventualorgasmic pleasure is derivedby dressing in the clothes ofthe opposite sex. It can occurin both homosexuality andheterosexuality. It ischaracterized by amomentary desire to dresslike and be accepted as amember of the oppositegender in order to escape thepresent reality and relieve



emotional tensions. It isusually done within theprivacy of one’s own homeand remains a most privateand well-hidden fantasy life.”

TRANSGENDER /TRANSSEXUAL (going acrossestablished Gender Lines)

“A condition in which onefeels inwardly incongruent inhis/her God-given genderrole or sexual identity.Eventual attempts areusually made to finally ‘correct the anatomicalmistake’ through increasingepisodes of cross-dressing,ingestion of hormones of theopposite sex, and eventualsubmission to irreversiblesurgical alteration of theirbody and its secondary sexcharacteristics; such as theremoval of breasts from the

female-to-male, or the malegenitals from the male-to-female transsexual. He willalso most usually havebilateral breast implants sohe can more readily beidentified as a woman.”

HOMOSEXUALITY (Same-sexattractions)

“A condition in which one isattracted to his/her owngender in erotic sexual andemotional involvement.There is a disinterest inemotional or sexualengagement with members

of the opposite sex. Membersof the same sex hold theemotional connection toone’s feeling genuinely loveddue to the other’s same sex

love needs being unmet.”

GENDER IDENTITY

“Gender refers to one’sgenetic sex, male or female,which is irreversibly fixed atthe moment of conception bythe pairing of the 23rd, orsex-determiningchromosomes (XX or XY.Hence gender is biologicallydetermined and can bediscerned by the 5th week ofpregnancy by a simple bloodtest. Identity is moreattributed to psychologicalcauses, or the product ofhow one views themselves asa male or female. Putanother way, a male is

always a male and a femaleis always going to be afemale, no matter whatdisfiguring surgery mayoccur. The psychologicalprocess wherein a personidentifies more strongly withone sex or the other istypically completed by thethird year of life.”

MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THEWALL …

Ever since I can remember Ihave stolen many long looksat myself when dressed aswhat I believed myself to



really be; a woman namedJennifer. ‘Mirror on the wall,who is the fairest of themall?” Each and everytranssexual with whom I

have worked has admittedthat the non-refuted answerto that question is, “Ofcourse, it is me!” One of themost helpful comments givento me by my own spousewas, “Well, to me you looklike a man in a dress.” That iswhy transsexuality is called “gender confusion.”Physicians have modified thatearlier, nasty-sounding word,(“confusion”), by changing itto “dysphoric.” Sounds nicer,doesn’t it? The meaning is, “anything that is not withinthe normal range of whatbefore was acceptable as ‘normal.’”

BASIC CHILDHOOD

DEVELOPMENT

Basic understandings ofchildhood developmentinform us that a person’sgender identity is primarilydetermined by a youngster’sconfidence and comfort withthe gender with which hemost associates andidentifies. The staggeringtruth is that a child’s genderidentity is fairly wellestablished by the age offour years; before enrollingin kindergarten.

If that is so, and it is, then

you can imagine that thepain is excruciating for theboy or girl whose genderidentity is confused orfractured. Their interior

sense of being is sent into aconstant tailspin. It’s afoundational crack that isonly discovered after the lifebegins to crumble.

As Joe Dallas states, “Sinceour society places a highpremium on gender roles,your ability or inability tofulfill them seriously affectsyour general well-being.Gender Identity Disorder is aclinical term describing aserious conflict between aperson’s assigned gender(male or female) and hisdesired gender.”2

Dr. Friedman points out thatfeelings of being unmasculine

or unfeminine are commonamong such adults. Heproposes that unmasculinity,for example, is notnecessarily femininity, but alack of confidence in aboy’s/man’s own ability tofulfill the masculine role.”3

Transsexuality is not agenetically predisposedcondition. It is “acquiredthrough interactions,perceptions, and responses.A secure masculine orfeminine identity usuallydevelops through bondingwith an older figure of the



same sex, usually the fatheror mother, and emulatingthat older figure. When thefather/mother figure iswilling to bond with the child

of the same sex, this invitesthe child to emulate andidentify with the parent. Thechild will be inclined towardthis process, desiring itintensely, but avoiding it if hefeels unwelcome orunaccepted by the parent.Should that avoidance occur,it could be the beginning ofgender identity problems.”4

“Problems of gender identitythen begin with the child’sbelief that he is unacceptableto the parent of his own sex,and therefore unacceptableto all members of his sex.This robs him of confidenceto fulfill his gender role,having felt no invitation to

emulate and identify with hisfather or her mother, leadingto acute feelings ofunmasculinity orunfemininity. These feelingsare confirmed during laterdevelopment. So if a boyfeels ill-equipped to deal withthe other boys throughtraditional masculineactivities, which disrupts hisability to bond with otherboys, which reinforces hisbelief that he isunmasculine.”5

The vast majority of over1,700 male-to-female

transsexuals with whom I’veworked claim that theirrelationship to Momremained unusually close intheir childhood and continued

to be so on into adulthood.In fact, most classifythemselves as “Mommy’sboys,” though perhapsmarried and fathers. Much ofthe reason for that ongoingcloseness is because of theemotional connection andlack of normal individuationbetween the mother and son.The profound biologicaldependence upon Motherlater becomes an abnormalemotional dependence uponher constancy, nurturing careand protection, and comfort,symbolized by that whichbest represents her; femaleclothing.

The insights found in Gordon

Dalbey’s, Healing theMasculine Soul, are manywhen it comes to pinpointinga man’s difficulty ineffectively separation himselffrom Mother. Hisrelationships with womenbecomes distorted, andobsessive, with fantasiesabounding about how tomaintain the connection withMother through crossdressingas well as other compulsions.

Dalbey shares how he laid hishands upon a man’sshoulders and “invited him torenounce the bonds of false



dependency…and asked theLord Jesus to heal hisinsecurity from its roots inhis mother’s womb.”6 LeannePayne cuts to the core in her

book, The Broken Image,citing that “A mother, overlyprotective and peculiarly orinjuriously intimate with ason – unless a strong andaffirming father figure isclose at hand- can render ason unable to separate hissexual identity from hers,and she thereby becomespart of any propensitytowards his homosexual(transsexual behavior) thatmight crop up in him” …which creates “what I havecome to understand and calla severe suppression ofmasculinity.”7

The purpose of this resourceyou are now reading is not to

make you into some kind of “instant expert” on thesubject. I would assume thatyou are interested in gainingbasic insights on how toproceed form this point, inthe hopes of not missing themark for you, the church, theprivate practice, or moreimportantly the transgenderperson and their familymembers.

As a Caregiver you desirehealing for the festeringemotional wounds of thetransgender person and hisfamily members. Your heart’s

cry is to find Christ-honoringresolution for the anguish ofeveryone involved. As aCare-giver, you already havesome of the most well-

prepared professionals whoalready have the basic toolsnecessary to treat theemotional disorderscharacteristic in the psycho-pathology of transsexuality.Some of the most obviousmedically-related conditionsare Obsessive CompulsiveDisorder, Bi-Polar Disorder,Borderline Personality andDissociative Disorders.Transsexuals are dying froma condition they want you tothink as “terminaluniqueness,” but they are notbeyond the changeability ofGod’s great power.

“The reason the Son of Godahs been revealed was to

destroy the works of thedevil.” (I John 3:8)

There are various stepsinvolved to effectively moveyour person towards a safepeople and a safe place inwhich the work of lastingrestoration can be done.Deep secrets of the heart willbe revealed. Confidentiality isa must!

1. PROVIDING A SAFE PLACE

Your part is to assist yourperson in coming out of thecloakroom secrecy and into



the light. The main thing thatthe transgendered person isattempting to do by hisbehavior is to heal himselfand keep his shame-filled

activities a secret. Provide asafe healing place and peoplewhere confidentiality andanonymity is treated as asacred tryst. That is not aneasy tack in most situations,especially within theestablished church.Christians do not typicallyhave a sense of safety intheir own congregation so faras sharing their strugglesand sins. The provision ofsuch a safe harbor is going tobe determined by thepastoral staff’s emphasis andeffectiveness in incorporatingcounselors, mentors andsupport group settings.

Muster the troops! Gather

about your person a smallgroup of truly caring peopleof both genders who willgenuinely love this individualto health. Just remember theold saying that it’s not reallyhow much you know abouttransgender confusion thatmatters, it is how muchloving attention and carefullistening you are prepared togive over the long haul thatmakes or breaks the process.As Dr. Jennifer Schneiderstates, “Recovery is bestaccomplished through acombination of counselingand attendance at peer

group support meetings.”8

Always keep in mind that thisis indeed a process, whichwill demand much time,

patience, prayer, and effort.There just are not any quickfixes to deep-seated sexualand gender identitydisorders. Don’t be duped bythe many so-called “latestmedical studies” that supportthe continuance of theemotional malady. Every so-called scientific study fails toprove anything other than atheory treated like a fact.Darwin’s Theories ofEvolution are now believedby the vast majority asfactual, are they not? That isexactly what is taking placewith so-called scientificinquiry today regardingtransgender behaviors:theories.

Providing a safe place andsafe people in order torestore someone trapped inthis particular personalitydisorder and sinful behavioris not easily done. The oldadage, “We Christians arethe only soldiers in the worldwho shoot our wounded” istoo often true. Ask the “fallen” church leaders of thepast decade to recite theirhorror stories of being hated,disowned, and maligned bythe very ones who sworetheir undying allegiance tothem just days before their



disclosure. The Church has alow tolerance for visiblestruggles and failures. Wehave quite a task aheadwhen it comes to providing a

place of safe refuge for ourstruggling fallen comrades,especially within thetraditional church environs.But it is time for the churchto live up to its name andtruly become a “sanctuary.”

I remember so well myconclusions after havingattended my first 12-StepRecovery Group. I thought, “Ifeel as though I’ve been tochurch for the first time.”Raw honesty and redemptivelove does both uncover andcover the worst of sins.

“Two are better than onebecause they have a goodreturn for their labor. For if

either of them falls, the onewill lift up his companion. Butwoe to the one who fallswhen there is not another tolift him up.” (Eccl. 4:9-10)

Laurie Hall, the author of AnAffair of the Mind and TheCleavers Don’t Live HereAnymore, shares some of theattitudes and practices thatdetermine if a church is safeor not. They are thefollowing: 9

SAFE or UNSAFE: First let’stake a look at the “safe-healing environment.”

1. Safe sees this as amanifestation of God’s gloryabout to happen.

2. Safe understands the

difference between guilt andshame and focuses on guiltand speaks the truth butdoesn’t condemn or label theperson; while unsafedepends upon denial.

3. Safe offers hope byfocusing on solutions toimmediate needs; givessupport in tangible ways

4. Safe asks what will givelife – willing to reevaluateand look at long-held beliefsthat may need modificationor adjustment.

5. Safe honors truth – provides a safe place forpeople to walk in the light.

Unsafe intends to keep thingshidden so no one isembarrassed.

6. Safe operates out of theauthority they have beengiven and leaves the resultsto God; knows theirlimitations and refers out toothers when needed.

7. Safe recognizes theauthority that comes frombrokenness; respects one’sown inner wisdom;willingness to learn from allinvolved.



8. Safe uses God’s name tobring healing and mend thewounded heart.

9. Safe works to restore

families.

10. Safe demonstrateshumility, grace, in place ofauthority.

UNSAFE

1. Sees the failures andlimitations; uses labels;points out the one part ofyour life where you failed andmakes that identify who youare.

2. Focuses on shame andlooks for someone to blame.

3. Creates frustration byfocusing on the problem:accentuates the guilt and sin.

4. Focuses upon good andevil – emphasizes religiousrules

5. Encourages people to bedishonest in order to remaina “club member”. Moreinterested in controllingbehavior than restoring thesoul.

6. Feels threatened when youdon’t respond as they thinkyou should; get ego needsmet by “healing you” andgood at retraumatizing you.

7. Thinks that only those whoare credentialed through anaccredited course of studyhave something of value tosay; no respect for people;

micro manage; know it all.

8. Uses God name to kickyou out and justify violenceagainst you.

9. Not above dividing familiesto prove their point.

10. Motivated by pride;unable to see their ownweaknesses and needs; “lordit over’ you.

2. PREPARE FOR SPIRITUALCONFLICT

Understand this: “There isnothing new under the sun.”(Eccl 1:9)

Transsexuality is not a newphenomenon. It has beenaround as long as men andthe spirit world. The OldTestament references to thefemale goddess of fertility,Ashteroth, is none other thanwhat we are facing todaymanifested in transgenderconfusion. Barry Wilding, inhis revealing report entitled

“Feminist ChristiansResurrect Pagan GoddessWorship,” exposes theagenda of the emergingleadership of the feministand transgender movement,which is funded by donations



and support of manyprominent churches in theUSA.

This 1993 Conference

brazenly expressed theirorigins and mission. “Conference organizersheralded the gathering of2,200 (feminists andtranssexuals) as thebeginning of the SecondReformation; one designed torid the church of all sexual,racial, and classdistinctions.”10

They applauded the work of2,500 feminists of like mindwho pledged to “work asguerillas toward a religiouscoup d’etat that wouldreplace God the Father withthe goddess within.”11

Donna Steichen pointed out

that “ the ultimate feministobjective is the obliterationof Christianity … anarrangement which haslegitimated religious bigotry,racism, classism,imperialism, clericalism andall other isms you can thinkof.”12

Wildering further elaboratedupon the mantra of thewomen’s movement statingthat “ their catalogue ofcardinal virtues begins withpride, embraces divorce andemphasizes such forms ofsexual expression as

abortion, lesbianism,transsexuality, andcontraception. Its liturgy isthat of the ancient Gnosticsbeholding their feminine

image in the mirror andworshiping themselves,drawing uponlesbian/transsexual sexualdesire as the main energy ofthe universe.”13

“More disturbing was theheresy expounded by theconference speakers whereinthey categorically denouncedand rejected the concept ofthe author of creation beinga Father figure, and JesusChrist being the Son of God,mainly because they both aremasculine. Instead theyworshiped Sophia as thefeminine spirit of God formwhom we have allevolved.”14

“Conceived as the highestform of feminine wisdom,Sophia is an abstract symbolin which female power, onceactualized (a New Age Term)in social and religiousstructures, is transformedinto a purely spiritualdimension. She is the activethought of God who createdthe world …”15

Starhawk, the officiatingleader for the Re-ImaginingConference is quoted to havesaid, “From the earliesttimes, women have been the



‘wise-ones’ … and ourwoman-centered culture,based upon the worship ofthe Great Goddess, underliesthe beginnings of all

civilization. Alas, the Goddesshas stirred from sleep, andwomen are awakening to ourancient power.”16

I share these things to adviseyou that when you aredealing with transsexuality,you are engaging in spiritualconflict against principalitiesand powers, which demandsample spiritual oversight andprayer backing.

3. EDUCATION &PREPARATION

You, or your representative,will need to spendconsiderable time with theperson. To best help

accommodate the process;be certain to have the personcommit to meet for anindefinite period for regularlyscheduled updates, input andprayer ministry. You shouldplan on setting time into yourschedule for at least oneyear’s duration, preferablyonce every week for this kindof one-on-one ministry andoversight.

You would do well to handthe day-by-daycare/oversight to others ofyour flock, or enlist the aid ofa small support group setting

for daily accountability andinput. There are a number ofhelps that will assist you toacquaint yourself with thebasics of the condition. Some

we typically recommend are:

RESOURCES RECOMMENDED

Desires in Conflict by JoeDallas

Setting Love in Order byMario Bergner

The Broken Image by LeannePayne

Crisis in Masculinity byLeanne Payne

Healing by Francis MacNutt

Healing the Masculine Soulby Gordon Dalbey

Men’s Secret Wars by PatrickMeans

False Intimacy by HarrySchaumburg

Inside Out by Larry Crab

Pure Desires by Ted Roberts

Out of the Shadows by

Patrick Carnes

Don’t Call it Love by PatrickCarnes

Letting Go of Shame, byEfron



A very helpful way for you tobecome better acquaintedwith the material in theseresources is for you to assignthem to your parishioner,

asking for them to reciteback to you in both oral andwritten presentations thespecific points that theyfound insightful and helpful.These resources, then, canact as an ongoing guide foryour future discussions andprayers.

It is also most beneficial foryou to invite specializedguest speakers to conducttraining and equippingseminars for you, yourleadership team, and thecongregation. RealityResources offers that kind ofexpertise. We also helplocate people close to youwho may be able to help in

this regard through weekendseminars or educationalconsultation services.

4. SECURING PROFESSIONALCOLLEAGUES

It is so important for you towork in conjunction with aChristian therapist. Thisrelieves you of the burden oftrying to understand all ofthe in depth psychologicaland social reasons for thecondition and being the “finalword” for the person’sprogress. We alwaysrecommend that the

professional therapist obtaina signed release form fromthe client so that there isnothing hidden from either ofyou in this process. You and

the therapist workingtogether can then provide acomprehensive care plan forthe person. In our opinion, itis best for the therapist andthe pastor to always workhand in hand in therestorative process.

Many pastoral insights cancome by having your personshare his daily journal recordwhen you meet together. Werecommend that you havethe person follow a five-pointplan in the daily discipline of journaling:

1. This was what my day waslike. (Include all struggles,temptations, etc.)

2. This is what went wrongwith my day. (Details andreasons)

3. This is what went rightwith my day. (Details andreasons)

4. This is what I could havedone differently. (Specificdetails)

5. This is my written prayerabout my day. (Handwrittenand orally prayed)

This documentation can also



girl.”

“Life would have been betterfor me if I were a female.”

“Women have it easier.”

“My parents would havepreferred a girls.”

“My Dad always wanted agirl.”

“Living as a man is tooboring.”

“God made a mistake andhas given me permission tobe a woman.”

“No one understands how Icould be a woman on theinside of a man’s body.”

“I have a woman’s brain anda man’s head.”

“Correctible surgery willmake me happy.”

“Men are dirty and evil andonly good for one thing.”

“God loves me to fulfill myfantasies in crossdressing.”

“If I were a woman I would

not have been passed overfor the promotion.”

“Women accept me morewhen I’m dressed as awoman.”

“I can never succeed as amale.”

“My family will never acceptme as a man.”

“I will never measure up towhat a man is supposed tobe like.

“I can never be able tosurvive if I don’t Cross-dress.”

“Cross-dressing is showingwho I really am – a woman.”

What all of these reasoningsdemonstrate is the ongoingconflict common to allChristians of accepting God’sway or demanding one’sown. Every Christian believeshis struggle is the worst.That’s why there are so manyhidden sins within the Body

of Christ. We are allpotentially dying of terminaluniqueness. So the mainministry involved is helpingthe person put to death thedeeds of the flesh, to runfrom sexual sin andconfusion, and to cling toTRUTH in the midst oftemptation.

The Bible states the problem: “My people have committedtwo sins: They have forsakenMe, the spring of living water,and have dug their owncisterns, broken cisterns thatcannot hold water.” (Jeremiah



2:13)

One common error we havediscovered with pastors andcaregivers who are trying to

minister to the transgenderperson is this: focusing uponthe cross-dressing ortentative plans for sexchange surgery as the majorissue. Theses are not themain issues to spend timeon. It’s all a matter of basicChristian discipleship: “Whowill the person allow to ruletheir heart, Jesus Christ orself?”

Utilize your well-practicedskills in uncovering the: “rootsystem” of the condition.Understand clearly that thisperson has formed apathological relationship witha mood-altering self-manufactured

intoxicant/drug and behavior.The crux of the problem issubstituting an emotionallydependent relationship withMother and that whichrepresents her (her clothing)in the place of healthyrelationships with otherpeople, and himself. Theperson has formed anemotional dependency upona behavior (crossdressing),which as Nancy Groomstates, “At the heart…is anarrogant and fear-basedrefusal to rely solely uponGod, an unwillingness to restin His Grace, to be satisfied

with His provision and to setour hearts on obedience.”

Do not spout the simplisticconclusion that repentance

and another trip to the frontaltar of the church is allthat’s needed. The person’sheart is desperately lookingfor a solution to his deep-seated emotional pains bycrossdressing. The flesh willalways have a prompt reply,although never working isessential to living a healthylife. Larry Crabb’s book,Inside Out, affirms that “aninside look must anticipateuncovering both deep,unsatisfied longings that beartestimony to our dignity, aswell as foolish and ineffectivestrategies for keepingourselves out of pain thatreflect our depravity. Each ofus is a glorious ruin. And the

further we look into ourheart, the more clearly wecan see the wonder of ourability to enjoy relationshipalongside the tragedy of ourdetermination to arrange forour own protection fromhurt.” All of this will takemuch time and prayer toresolve. Start dealing withthese matters:

· Seek to discover thereasons he feels souncomfortable in his owngender role?

· Why has there been such



real or perceived rejection ofhis own gender?

· Why does he feel so inferioras a man?

· What’s behind all the rageand anger?

· Why is he so bitter andobsessed upon idealizing theother gender?

· Where did the detachmentcome about with the parentof the same sex?

· When did deception beginto become commonplace?

· How about the distrust andanger towards God?

· What was the relationshipreally like with Mom andDad?

Chances are that your personis focused upon “corrective”surgery. You will find that anyof your arguments, thoughsincerely and accuratelygiven, are less than fruitful.The idea is to keep yourcommunication lines open asmuch as possible. So don’ttalk about or try to dissuade

him from having surgery.

Instead, ask what someoptions might be to theinvasive surgery. Challengethe person to seek healingprayer and in-depth

counseling so hurtfulmemories won’t be carriedany longer, regardless ofwhat they choose to do inthe future. Encourage long

and hard looks at theirinsides, as Dr. Larry Crabbsuggests, “identifying yourtemperament, healing painfulmemories, learning toventilate buried hurts,reconstructing the damagingimpact of your parent’smistakes, facing destructiveemotions and hiddenagendas and bringing themunder conscious control.”(Inside Out, p.56)

Never accept the story givenas the entire truth. Deceptionhas been the major factor tomanufacture and maintainthe fantasy all along. Do notexpect your person to “comeclean” with you just because

he’s seeking yoursympathies. Transsexualshave practiced their lineswith each other well beforemeeting you . Having “beenthere and done that,” I canguarantee you that you willbe told the most convincingstory in order to persuadeyou to cooperate with them.Discernment is needed to tellwhether your person is trulyseeking help and change ormerely wanting to argue hispoint or gain sympathy andacceptance.

It is not meant to be



demeaning when I assertthat lies are commonplacewith those afflicted withgender identity disorders. It’s just the facts! So be wary

and wise.

One, which immediatelyconfuses the caregiver andquickly wins sympathy is, “Iam a hermaphrodite orintersexed person, (havingboth sets of genitalia) andmy doctors recommend thatI have surgery to bring myinner personality into properalignment with myreconstructed body.” Whenyou are told this story youwould be wise in asking fortheir medical records tosubstantiate the claims that agenuine physiological/birthanomaly/ambiguity existsand can only be remedied bysurgical intervention. Do not

accept medical records thatinform you of this withoutthoroughly checking theirsource of origin. It isrecommendable that youobtain a release ofinformation request form toenable you to personallyconfer with their physician.Transsexuals can come upwith all kinds of convincinglyforged documentation inorder to get you to validatetheir neurosis.

Within your pastoral carethere should be ample timefor prayer ministry.

Saturations of healing prayerare most warranted. Havingidentified the lie-basedthinking, you can then beginto speak the truth of God’s

declarations to the woundedsoul. Give much opportunityfor the Lord Himself to speakHis Truth to the heart, too.Once His Truth is spoken,heard, and appropriatedhealing comes and darknessleaves.

What About the Relatives &Spouse?

One of the most perplexingthings about dealing with theperson afflicted withtransgender confusion is theneed to provide guidance forthe immediate relatives andspouse. What do you say tothe bewildered wife who isshocked by her husband’s

recent decision to obtainfemale hormones and seeksex-reassignment surgery?

Should you arm her with allkinds of scriptures verses tocombat the evil deceptions?Do you tell her to leave him,or have him find anotherplace to live? What shouldshe do when he comes homeand parades himself in frontof the children as their “otherMom?” Is this ground forseparation or divorce orexcommunication?

Many pastors have carelessly



asked the wife where it is sheis failing him in her refusal tohave more intimatemoments? One minister saidto the distraught wife, “Sure,

he is wanting to come to beddressed in your nightgown,but is this deserving such anegative reaction from you?”He told her that perhaps ifshe were more sensitive,attractive, or morefemininely dressed herself,he would be satisfied. Maybethe whole thing would berectified if only she weremore understanding andtolerant? What approachwould you take in solving theproblem?

Our recommendation is thatyou turn the spouse andfamily towards theseresources:

Bold Love by Dr. DanAllendar

Love Must Be Tough by Dr.James Dobson

Parents in Pain by John White

When Someone I Love is Gayby Anita Worthen & BobDavies

An Affair of the Mind byLaurie Hall

The Cleavers Don’t Live HereAnymore by Laurie Hall

Living with Your Husband’sSecret Wars by MarshaMeans

From Bondage to Bonding by

Nancy Groom

Co-Dependent No More byMelody Beattie

Living with your Husband’sSecret Wars, by Means

Do not try to tell the familyand spouse what they shoulddo. Do point out that thebehavior of their loved one isa major spiritual problem — (idolatry) — as well as adeep-seated emotionaldisorder (gender identitydissociation) which requireslong-term therapy to everresolve. On top of that, themarriage covenant has beenviolated (adultery) through

the husband’s emotional andsexual encounters with awoman of his fantasies,which is of course the falsefeminine identity he assumesfor emotional/sexual arousaland climax. There is also thedrive for same-sexrelationships, so that his “being a woman” iscompleted in the sex act.Therefore, we definitelysense that the violations aremany and must be handledwith the greatest possiblecare in order to ultimatelyrestore the person to sanityand his God-given gender



role and spiritual destiny.

Close pastoral andcongregational support ismandatory for the wife and

her family. Never permitanyone to convince you thatthis condition is the fault ofthe wife. In most cases,transgender confusion hasbeen deeply set into thepsyche and behavior of theperson long before they everknew or met their wife.

Summary:

You as a pastor orprofessional therapist do notneed to know everythingabout gender identitydisorders to be qualified tohelp. Learn to depend uponeach other within the churchand readily enlist others inthe community of faith for

this person’s restoration.

Don’t panic when youdiscover that someone islooking to you for help in thisarea. Quickly delineatebetween those seeking helpand those who are not.Understand that they aredesperate or they would notbe coming to you. When aperson presents himself forpastoral or counselingoversight for this incrediblyshame-based and lie-basedneurosis, be assured that heis moving in faith and trust,most probably as a “last-

ditch effort,” since allprevious attempts to getbetter have failed. So movecarefully, respecting the factthat God is at work.

Expect an increase in thenumber of people coming toyou with this condition. Itseems that more that themedia and medicalcommunity endorse theseperversions, the more peopleseek help. Do not buy intothe myths generated by themedical and popular culturalnorms. Depend upon the loveand conquering power of therisen Christ to dispel the liesand replace faulty thinkingwith inner revelations oftruth.

Make sure that you goabout…

(1) providing a safe place forsecrets to be told andgenuine redemptive love tobe revealed. Be assured thatas you enter into this kind ofministry you will need to be…

(2) prepared for fiercespiritual conflict. In order tobest understand the heartand soul of the person, it isbest to at least…

(3) obtain a rudimentaryeducation of thepsychological, spiritual, andsocial reasons for thecondition from the resources



we’ve given. Then it is wiseto…

(4) secure the aid ofprofessionally trained

Christian therapists to comealongside of you in therestoration process. Alwayskeep in mind that…

(5) Ongoing ministry to thewife and family requiresgreat sensitivity and closepastoral oversight by those inthe church.

It is evident that the Lord isentrusting you with the careof another wounded soul thatcan best be remedied by Hisabundant Grace and Truthexpressed through His Body,the Church.

What people need is otherpeople who will love them to

health. We all need “Jesuswith skin on.”


ge_id=409

How To Love Those Who

are Sexually and GenderConfused

(We edited & adapted this forour use from anarticle/workshop taught &permission to use granted byTim Wilkins of CrossMinistry.org)

We cannot reach the sexuallyand gender confused until wefirst love them.

One of W. E. Sangster’s

seven rules for personalevangelism was, “Do not setout to make people good–love them.”

No one has ever been arguedout of gender confusion orhomosexuality … or into theKingdom of God, for thatmatter!

Churches typically do notknow what to do whenconfronted with someone ofthe congregation who issuffering unwantedsexual/gender confusionchurches really againsthomosexuals

* Loving Homosexuals &

Transgender folks requiresthat You have experiencedGod’s Love

It is impossible to express alove that you have notexperienced. God says “Ihave loved you with aneverlasting love.” (Jer 31:3)And John the Apostle wrote, “How great is the love theFather has lavished on us,that we should be calledchildren of God! ” (I Jhn 3:1)

God wants his love to bereciprocated, but he will notforce us to love him. If you







would love homosexualsbest, you must love Godmost! The greatestexpression of God’s love istypically demonstrated from

a heart which has itself gonethrough many internalconflicts, struggles, andtorment … and the lengthyprocess of very painfulrestoration.

Dr. R. Albert Mohler,President of SouthernSeminary writes “EvangelicalChristians must askourselves some very hardquestions, but the hardestmay be this: Why is it thatwe have been so ineffectivein reaching persons trappedin this particular pattern ofsin?”

The atheist Voltaire mayhave had the answer. He

wrote, “If Christians want usto believe in a Redeemer, letthem act redeemed.” Ouch!!

Rick Warren says, “There aretwo basic reasons peopledon’t know Jesus Christ astheir Lord and Savior. Theyhave never met a Christian.They have met a Christian.”Ouch again!!

*Loving Homosexuals &Transsexuals RequiresGetting Right with God

You can be a Christian andstill not be right with God.

A lady walked into apsychiatrist’s office. She waswearing a strip of bacon overeach ear and a poached eggon top of her head. As soon

as she sat down, she struck aserious pose and said to thedoctor, “I’ve come to talk toyou about my brother—whohas a problem.”

Jesus said before you canremove the microscopicspeck from your brother’seye, you need to eradicatethe lumberyard from yourown eye. (Loose translationof Matt 7)

A mother, father and theirteenage son came to see me;the parents had learned theirson had same-sex attractionsby viewing the history on hiscomputer–gay porn. One ofthe recommendations I made

was to perform a DSL-ectomy on the homecomputer. Immediately thefather became agitatedsaying, “That’s impossible,my work depends on it.” Iwas not surprised to get acall from the son later thatweek. “I couldn’t tell you theother day, but the reasonDad became agitated at yoursuggestion to disconnectfrom the Internet is becauseI secretly know he has somesites he visits also.”

*Loving Homosexuals &Transsexuals Requires



Distinctive Qualities

Humility: tops the list. Has itcome to this? Do evangelicalspride themselves on the

mistaken belief that theirchurch has no one withhomosexual attractions?Wake up and smell the latte!

Charles Spurgeon visited anaffluent, aristocratic womanone day. He moved theconversation to sin and one’sneed of Christ.

The woman said “Rev.Spurgeon– I’ll have you knowI have not sinned in the lastthree weeks!” Spurgeonsaid…

“My, you must be awfulproud of that” to which sheanswered, “Indeed I am!”

Care: is important. Mostpeople will only come to youfor help if you candemonstrate genuine care.You do not have to be askilled and trainedpsychotherapist. Just begenuinely caring.

Empathy: is “Directidentification with,

understanding of, andvicarious experience ofanother person’s situation,feelings, and motives.” Weoften call it “walking inanother man’s shoes.”

Kindness Mark Twain wrote, “Kindness is the languagewhich the deaf can hear andthe blind can see.” (SeeColossians 3:12)

Patience, gentleness andrespect. “But in your heartsset apart Christ as Lord.Always be prepared to givean answer to everyone whoasks you to give the reasonfor the hope that you have.But do this with gentlenessand respect…” (1 Pet 3:15)The Episcopalian preacherPhillips Brooks wrote, “Anelement of a preacher’spower is genuine respect forthe people whom hepreaches to.”

*Loving Homosexuals &Transsexuals Requires BeingPro-Active

Many friends of homosexualstell me, “All I know to do ispray for her.” I believe inprayer, but prayer is never anexcuse for inaction! Love is averb!

Have evangelicals forgottenthat when Adam and Eve ateus out of house and home,God initiated a search andrescue mission–calling out toAdam, “Where are you?”

Are we inoculated against themiracle of the Incarnation– forgetting that God left thesplendor of heaven for the



stench of a cow stall–tobecome a man and dwellamong us?

And have we underestimated

the fact that nowhere inScripture is God everpictured in a hurry–except inJesus’ parable of the prodigalson? The father, whorepresents our HeavenlyFather, races to the waywardson. (Luke 15)

*Loving Homosexuals &Transsexuals RequiresBelieving in the reality ofChange.

“LOVE” that rejects thereality of freedom should beconsidered “cruel andunusual punishment.”

Grace that forgives us of sin,but does not free us from sin

is a grace not worth having.Individuals who hold to “Once a homosexual, alwaysa homosexual,” should takeChrist’s words to heart–”Youknow neither the scripturenor the power of God.” (Matt22:29)

*Loving Homosexuals &Transsexuals Requires AskingTheir Forgiveness

I know what you’re thinking. “Why should I askforgiveness from myhomosexual/transsexualfamily member? He’s the one

living in sin!”

Bear with me here.

Larry Burtoft writes, “If the

Biblical and Theologicalperspectives are right, whichsee in homosexual behaviorone of the myriad formswhich human fallenness cantake, then those engaged insuch behavior deserve…theoffer of divine forgivenessand healing which isavailable.” I would add thatevangelicals need to askhomosexuals for theirforgiveness for someinappropriate responses thatare made on this issue. NoteI said “responses” not “beliefs.”

This recommendation is oftenmet with incredulity. Take aspiritual inventory. When you

first learned that a friend orfamily member washomosexual or transsexual,

Did you curse them?

Did you scream at them? Didyou use any languageunbecoming a Christian? Didyou condemn them? Did youentertain the thought “I’mglad I’m not like him.” Didyou gloat? Did you feelyourself to be holier or betterthan him? If you did any ofthe above things, you havesinned against God andhomosexuals/transsexuals



and need forgiveness. First,go to God and ask Hisforgiveness. “If we confessour sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our

sins and purify us from allunrighteousness.” (1 Jn 1:9)

Then go to the judgedindividual and ask his/herforgiveness. No emails orletters; this needs to be face-to-face; or, if distance is anissue, make a phone call.Here’s an example of what tosay. “When I learned of yoursame-sex attractions, I saidsome angry things I shouldnot have said. While I stillhold to my beliefs on theissue, I ask your forgivenessfor the mean-spiritedremarks that I made. Wouldyou please forgive me?”

At this point you wait for

them to say, “I forgive you.”If they will not forgive you ortake the conversation inanother direction, remainpolite and respectful.Remember, you are notasking forgiveness in order togain a confession of sin fromthem. Your request forforgiveness needs to bepersonal, brief and sincere.

You are not responsible forhow they treat you; you areresponsible for how you treatthem!

In preparation for a speaking

engagement at a majoruniversity, I encouraged thehost organization to run anad in the student newspaper.I wrote the following ad

which they ran.

Apology to Gays Overdue(that headline caughtattention) While we haveclearly communicated ourbeliefs about homosexuality,we confess we have notalways done so with humility.Our conspicuous, self-righteous attitudes havecontradicted the verymessage we proclaim. Wehave regularly emphasizedtruth to the neglect of love.Often our desire to be righthas overshadowed ourresponsibility to berespectful. We confess thatwe are sinners in need ofGod’s grace, that the way we

live our lives has not alwaysmatched what we confesswith our lips. We confess thatalthough all of us are createdin God’s image, that imagehas been marred by our owndeliberate sin against ourCreator and we long to beremade in His image throughthe atoning death of JesusChrist. Thus we apologize forthe way in which we haveaddressed this issue. We askyour forgiveness and commitourselves to build bridges offriendship based on humandignity rather than humansexuality.



*Loving HomosexualsRequires More Than Words

1 John 3:18 reads: “Dearchildren, let us not love with

words or tongue but withactions and in truth.”(Emphasis added)

When a friend or familymember of a homosexual /transsexual contacts me, aninitial question is usually, “What do I tell him so he willleave this lifestyle?” As ifthere is a magic set of wordsthat will do the trick.

In 1979 Adrian Rogers waselected as President of theSouthern Baptist Convention.He could have run for re-election in 1980, but chosenot to. When asked by areporter why he was notrunning for a second term,

Rogers said God told him notto. The reporter then asked “Did God speak to you in anaudible voice?” Adrian Rogersrevealed one of God’sattributes when he answered “No, It was louder than that!”

If God can speak in inaudibleways, can his children notalso? Chuck Colson and hiswife have the followingmatted and framed in theirhome: “Christians shouldshare the gospel at all timesand if necessary, use words.”

*Loving

Homosexuals/TranssexualsRequires Touch

Physical touch is notoptional, it is essential!

Americans, particularly men,are reticent to expressaffection to each other. Notso in other countries, nor inthe Bible. In China, Africaand other countries it iscommon to see men embraceand hold hands. When I wasin East Africa a few yearsago, I noticed two teenageboys with their arms thrownover each others’ shoulders.Ron Taffel, in his book WhyParents Disagree, recounts afather’s question, “Is it allright if I hug and kiss mytwo-and-a-half-year-old songoodnight? I’m afraid it willturn him into a homosexual.”

Such thinking is

counterintuitive!

Some in the church defendtheir resistance to ex-gayministry on the grounds thathomosexuality is a “dirtysubject.” I politely state — “Iam not aware of a ‘clean sin.”God the Father got His handsdirty when He “…formed manfrom the dust of the ground.”(Gen. 2:7) God the Son gotHis hands dirty when Hewashed the dust/dirt/sewagefrom the disciple’s feet. (John13:5)

Communicate love physically,



not just verbally! Biblicalexamples of demonstrativemale friendship include Davidand Jonathan, Paul andTimothy and Jesus and John

the Beloved Apostle. (John21:20)

*Loving Homosexuals/Transsexuals Requires Tellingthe Truth

Take another inventory.When you read the previouspoint–”Loving HomosexualsRequires Telling the Truth”,which truth did you first thinkof?

that homosexuality is sin, oran abomination or that whena person asks forgiveness,God separates them fromtheir sin as far as the ‘East isfrom the West’ or ‘and suchwere some of you?’ My point

is this– I find that when theword truth is used in relationtohomosexuality/transsexuality, many Christians first thinkof “sin” or “abomination”versus God’s transforminggrace. We must give peoplethe whole counsel of God.What people need is “thetruth, the whole truth andnothing but the truth.”

Let me illustrate this with anactual email I received froma Christian man whomistakenly thought I was stilla homosexual:

“I will continue to pray foryour misunderstanding andimmoral offenses. I havefaith that God will open adoor for you so you can

realize your sins. Here is averse written by Paul inCorinthians. ‘Do you notknow that the unrighteouswill not inherit the kingdomof God? Do not be deceived.Neither fornicators, noridolaters, nor adulterers, norhomosexuals, nor sodomites,nor thieves, nor covetous,nor drunkards, nor revilers,nor extortionists will inheritthe kingdom of God.’

If Jesus was ok withhomosexuality, then why wasPaul and everyone else tofollow the Christianmovement until the late 20thcentury so against it? TheBible talks about such

catamites as this in the endtimes. Please find the truth.”

Much love, Tom (not his realname)

I do not advocate Tom’s formof evangelism for the samereason I do not advocatesticking one’s lips in a meatgrinder.

Tom made some majormistakes. First, he assumed Iwas homosexual. Second,the tone of his email is lessthan loving; on the contraryit reeks with arrogance. And



thirdly, Tom does not give methe whole truth when hequotes 1 Corinthians. Hequotes verses nine and ten,but omits verse eleven which

is crucial to the text. Versuseleven reads “And that iswhat some of you were. Butyou were washed, you weresanctified, you were justifiedin the name of the LordJesus.” (Emphasis added)

Also note that telling thetruth does not meanconverting homosexuals toheterosexuality. ManyChristians peddleheterosexuality like it’s ‘another gospel.’ (SeeGalatians 1:6) Conversion isto Jesus Christ who, in turn,transforms us. Jesus did notsay “Go and makeheterosexuals.” He said “Goand make disciples.”

*LovingHomosexuals/TranssexualsRequires Listening

James 1:19 reads “My dearbrothers, take note of this:Everyone should be quick tolisten, slow to speak andslow to become angry.”

We can learn a lesson fromJob. His oxen and donkeysare stolen. His servants andsheep are killed. His camelsare carried off. A stormcollapses on the house–killing his sons and

daughters. And his healthdeteriorates dramatically.When Job’s three friendshear of his multiplecalamities, they go to

comfort him. Because ofJob’s poor health, he isunrecognizable to the friendswho weep in sympathy.

Here’s the important part. “Then (the friends) sat downon the ground with (Job) forseven days and seven nightswith no one speaking a wordto him, for they saw that hispain was very great.” (Job2:13) (Emphasis added.) Canyou imagine sitting with ahurting homosexual andremaining silent for a week?Some Christians cannot besilent seven seconds whenthe issue of homosexuality isbroached.

After addressing a churchgroup, a visibly-angry lesbianmade her way toward me.My understandable fearsubsided when I got thestory. The lesbian’s sisterwould not allow the lesbian’spartner to visit her nephewand niece.

Though tempted to interrupther tirade and say the sisterhad the right andresponsibility to guard herchildren’s’ exposure to suchrelationships, I sensed Ishould remain silent and justlisten compassionately.



Then, with no hint that thingswere about to change, tearsbegan to stream down herface. In a soft-spoken voice Iasked, “Why are you crying?”

Though she didn’t answer myquestion directly, (and what’smore I already knew), herreply spoke volumes. Shesaid, “I cry all the time.” Ipulled up two chairs; we satdown and for more than anhour I listened to her story ofhurt and confusion.

Do not miss the point! If Ihad not kept my mouth shut,this lady and I would neverhave connected.

Peter Marshall said, “Thereare aspects of the gospelthat are puzzling and difficultto understand. But ourproblems are not centeredaround the things we don’t

understand, but rather in thethings we do understand.This, after all, is but anillustration of the fact thatour problem is not so muchthat we don’t know what weshould do. We know perfectlywell, but we don’t want to doit.”

Is it possible that what manyChristians do not want to dois … love?

Jesus said “…all men willknow that you are mydisciples, if you love oneanother.” (John 13:35)

Text by By Tim Wilkins ofCross Ministry PO Box 1122Wake Forest, NC 27588919/569-0375www.CrossMinistry.org


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Church Responds toTranssexuality

Dear Bill:

Your web site has been veryhelpful to me. One of ourpastors and I (Director ofWomen’s Ministries) areneeding your help if possible!I’ll give you a brief synopsisand pray the LORD will giveyou insight as to how we canbest help:

“Jack dressing as Jill”.

Jack is a transsexual who hasbeen attending our churchthis past year. (Man dressingas a woman). No matter howJack dresses, he looks like aman (6’5” and heavy beard).Several churches in townhave asked him to leave. Wehave been extending graceand welcoming him to the

following: main churchservices, singles ministry andour women’s evening biblestudies. We have set firmboundaries with designatinga low use woman’sbathroom, not attending

http://www.crossministry.org/





http://www.crossministry.org/



college group (he is 38 yearsold), and not attending ourWomen’s Fitness PlusExercise Classes. Thesereasons have been explained

to Jack: too old for college,and women’s/girls sensitivityissues. We do not know if hehas had surgery or not.

BOUNDARIES/DECENCY

We are frustrated in that Jackcontinues to violate theboundaries (i.e.: restroomuse, going to the collegegroup, talking aboutinappropriate sexual things inprayer groups). He shows uplate, is inconsistent inattendance in all theaforementioned activities wehave invited him to. When hedoes attend, he often gets upduring bible studies andmoves to the front or leaves

early.

We have set him up with acounselor, but believe he hasattended perhaps only 3-4sessions this past year. Wesense there are other mentalhealth issues going on, butthat is from both our “non”counselor opinions. Often hisconversation is not in reality,so we gently try to bring himback to what is true.

WHAT’S A WOMAN TO DO?

Our women’s directionalteam has asked that we not

allow Jack to attend. Wetypically resource womenwith severe problems to asupport group or mentoringpartner, so they ask, why are

we allowing Jack to disruptthings? Good question. Jackbelieves the sermons andsingles group sermons areover his head (that’s why helikes college). However, ourwomen’s studies are very indepth as well. We haveoffered to him a small groupbasic seeker study, but hedoesn’t really want thateither. Many of our ideas arerejected. The pastor Imentioned has been verygood in extending grace andyet holding Jack accountable.He had the bathroom/collegetalk with him this week,again. I would be willing tomeet with him for a seekerstudy, but is that the best

place for him?

Obviously, we need help asto how to best minister toJack and yet minister to ourGIRLS as well. So I ask:

*1. What place is the best fitfor Jack?

*2. What are the best waysfor us as leaders to ministerto Jack?

——————————————————————————–

COMPASSIONATE



RESPONSE:

Even if he has had therearrangement of skin folds,to the point that his external

body appears to be that of apseudo female; henonetheless is still only a “he.” The essence of who youare in your genetics,anatomy, chromosomes,DNA., etc….do not magicallychange by the surgicalamputation of that whichonce formerly defined him amale.

SOME GUIDELINES TOREMEMBER:

Walk in the truth of who Godmade us to be; how thatprocess was short-circuited,and what can be done tobring rectification to hisgreatly fractured soul is

crucial.

1. His obvious disregardfor your standards,expectations, andkindness/grace… is a signalthat he is only intent uponultimately forcing his waysupon you.

2. His lack of follow-through with counseling isanother indicator of his trueresistance to change hisconduct, get well, andrepent. His behavior is verydisruptive and less thanconsiderate of young and

innocent lives looking on.

3. READ BOLD LOVE byDr. Dan Allender, especiallythe chapter on “Loving the

Biblical Fool.”

****************************************

Views about the women’sbathroom & other sacred

places

First: the Bible Study

No matter how effectively hemay think he is foolingwomen, it is just plainly verysimple: ‘women know women… and can spot a fraudimmediately.’ It would indeedeffect what would be sharedin the group and that couldand I emphatically believewould negatively effect the

growing and learning thatcomes from a woman’s Biblestudy. His very presencewould be stealing somethingfrom the women; while hewould only feeding himselfon the time spent at theBible study for his ownselfish needs and desires.

Second: the women’sbathroom

√ If Jack was in the restroomwhat would he be thinking?

√ Is he looking over thewomen to see who he desires



to be most?

√ Are his eye’s filled withenvy because he knows hewill never truly be a real

woman?

√ Is he undressing theinnocent women with hiseyes and envious of theirbodies?

√ Is he feeding off of theunsuspecting women andachieving his addictiveemotional gratification?

√ His main concern is someself-serving endorsement andexotic high by sitting on thestool, rather than standingup to the latrine to help himget his addictive itchsatisfied.

One woman’s concern…

“When Jack enters awomen’s restroom he is lyingto those of us in there. Weperceive him as beingfemale. He is stealing ourfeminine privacy. We believethe sign is clear and is thereon the door so men will notenter. Only women aresupposed to be entering into

the women’s restroom. He ismost definitely violating mysurroundings mentally andphysically. He is male nomatter what clothes, makeup, or pseudo name hewears. If I were standing

before one mirror while Jackstood before the other mirror,I would know he is crossing adistinct social boundary; andclearly violating me with his

deceiving manner of dress.More troubling would be hislustful observation of myprivacy; observing me whenI put on lipstick, perhapsbrushing my hair or pull upmy slip. I prefer for nostrange man to watch me doany of these personalactions. Jack’s invasivepresence has stolen a safeand trusting place for womento be.

Jack would make ituncomfortable for women tobe in their own genderrestroom. Because of theJack’s in this ever-changingworld, I find myselfwondering more and more

often, “Is that really awoman in the next stall?”

A man has no right to enter awoman’s bathroom! If hetruly identified and cared andrespected women in arestroom as much as hecared about himself … hewould not violate women inthis way. His intrusion onlyreveals his gross narcissismand lust-filled heart.”

A sensible but non-politicallycorrect conclusion:

No responsible mother or



father would want theiryoung or teenage daughterto use a restroom if theyknew Jack was in there.Whether parents did or did

not know he was in there, hewould be violating theinnocence of the youngergeneration — of buddingwomen and their right tofeminine privacy.

Would the violation stopthere? If he so carelesslyviolates their privacy by hiswillful disregard for the veryintelligible sign on the door,will he then be empowered todo so in other ways? Or, arewe chancing, evenencouraging, further harmand intrusions to happen toall women of all ages by notenforcing common-sensestandards as basic as “men &women’s bathrooms?”

Our permissive society seemsonly interested in notwanting to hurt the feelingsof an emotionally-ill manwearing a dress in women’sbathrooms.

THE REAL QUESTION:

“Who’s feelings should reallybe taken into consideration?”

Common sense would expectthat my daughter and I couldsafely enter our gender-specific bathroom, and gothere to accomplish what it is

that women do while there,in strict privacy; neverwondering about theirprivacy, or if there is a sex-crazed man in the next stall?


ge_id=401

Ex-Transsexual or Ex-Christian?

by Missy

My name is now Misty. I wasborn male and of coursegiven a male name.

I was a sensitive child. A bitdifferent and very quiet; Iliked the peace of thecountryside and the beautyof nature, to be by myself,alone.

In an attempt to betterunderstand the psychologicalreasons for the choices Ihave made, I have beenreflecting upon my familyupbringing. One of the firstemotionally damaging eventswas when, at the age of four,my own father sexuallymolested me and my sisters.He’s dead now.

He was a gentle man butvery forceful when it came tomeeting his sexual needs. Hewas 52 when I born. I guessa life of gambling and manyother excesses flattened his







dreams and aspirations. Hiswork prevented my seeingmuch of him. So, I was lessthan interested in being likehim.

My own life’s experience intransition through childhood,puberty and adulthood wasstormy, confusing, and filledwith heartache. I simplybecame lost in a world ofalcohol and confusion.

While hitching around thecountry I once was given alift in the vehicle of apredatory homosexual. Heintroduced me to his world.It disgusted me, butstrangely fulfilled a need. Igravitated to this place offand on for several years.

When I became 24, I marrieda 16 year old girl, which

didn’t help at all. Thatmarriage lasted four years.We had two girls. May Godforgive me for being a rottenhusband, father and provider.I know that He has. (I John1:9)

In my early teenage years, Ideveloped quite a liking forwomen’s clothes. Thatattraction to women’sfashions may have startedearlier, but I am not certainof that.

Let me tell you about my firstactual meeting of a man who

was in transition to becominga woman. He was takingfemale hormones and lookedvery much like a woman. Iwas shocked to very roots of

my soul to see this. It wasthen and there that a dooropened in my mind. Manyquestions began to flood myown mind. “Perhaps I am likehim,” I reasoned.

It wasn’t too long aftermeeting him that I paid apersonal visit to his/herdoctor. I said that I hadfeelings which told me that Iwas a woman trapped in aman’s body. That soundedright.

Two months later I wastaking female hormones andforging friendships with manyothers who attendedtransgender support groups.

After some time had passed,my psychiatrist asked me ifthis was what I reallywanted. My answer was, “more hormones please”.

I had friends and wasbecoming very popular. Thatwas something very foreignto my life’s experience. It feltgood.

Eighteen months later mybody had become feminine inappearance, to the extentthat when I dressed as awoman in public places I was



fully accepted as a woman;totally undetectable toanyone as really being a manin women’s clothes, exceptmy closest family and

friends. Although I was5’11″, my bone structure wasnever large, strong, orparticularly masculine.

I was amazed…this was theanswer to all my problems.Or so I thought.

But then I began to seriouslyquestion the morality of whatI was doing. I threw all myfemale hormones away a fewmonths before my scheduledoperation. It just seemedwrong. But my doctor gaveme some more andpersuaded me that I was infact doing the best thing formyself and would never besorry for having my sex

changed to that of a woman.Finally, I reasoned within myown mind, arguing that it’sO, saying that my beingupset is just a “case ofnerves”.

Four years after I hadinitiated the taking of femalehormones I flew toSingapore. I presentedmyself to a leading ‘SexChange’ surgeon. I had a 45minute interview on Fridayand another one hour consulton Monday. The satisfiedsurgeon then invited me tocome back the next day in

preparation for my surgery,which was scheduled forWednesday morning.

I have had many regrets

since that time. I have beenfortunate enough to travelextensively throughout theworld. Wherever I havetraveled, the Lord hasbrought me into contact withChristians who would “readme,” and ask such questionsas “Do you know God?” Myclassic answer to thatquestion was “Oh, yes!” Thatwas just to keep them quiet.

One of the most spookythings occurred when on aflight from Memphis toNashville. A book on Bibleprophecy had been left onmy seat. That was somethingof a “heads-up moment” forme.

Soon after that, God gaveme a dream. I was facing acrossroad. To my left was agraveyard. And to my right,upwards along a steepwinding path was a church. Iseemed to be dressed inministerial clothes of somesort. I never quiteunderstood what that dreammeant, if anything.

Over the next few years Icame to know Jesus Christ asmy Lord and Savior.

After that I had been faced



with the truth of thewickedness in what I hadbeen doing as a post-operative male-to-femaletranssexual. The Bible says

that sodomy between malesis wrong. That physical,sexual relationships betweenmen is wrong, just as it isbetween women. Devastated,I cried, “Oh dear ! Wheredoes that leave me?”

Although I had been keepingpretty much to myself, I cutoff all physical contact withother men. I then began todress primarily in pants andtops, but I still looked like awoman. I then stoppedtaking the female hormones.

I want to glorify my God andrecommence living as a man,but it’s a hard road to hoe.Just getting the courage to

start taking males hormonesis a real battle. Living as aman again will inevitablydestroy existing friendships. Iwill be shocking to peoplewho have come to know meas a woman. But I can’t goon like this for much longer.

Just getting the courage totake that first step on theroad to reclaim my manhoodis hard. I know that JesusChrist will supply my needs. I just need to pray more.

God Bless to you Missy

****************************************

A Closer Look

by Bob

Let’s examine some of thefine points hidden withinMissy’s testimony. Why? Tosee some of the predictableingredients which factor intothe making of atransgender/homosexualperson. Each transsexualbelieves themselves as beingwhat I call “terminallyunique!” They say, “No oneunderstands why I feel theway I do, so the question ofgenetics eliminates thenecessity of trying to findsome hidden causes for myplight.” However the obvious “root systems” which giverise to thoughts and feelings

about oneself soon becomeclear with the mostrudimentary level oftraditionally appliedpsychotherapy. So lets take alook at what Missy had to sayabout early childhooddevelopment and subsequentemotional wounds. Then let’sexamine our own experienceto see what the similaritiesbetween Missy and othertranssexuals really is. Youwill probably be able toidentify other factors which Ihave not seen. Let me knowabout those, please.



Some of the obvious factorsinvolved are these:

1. A vulnerability towardsbeing more attracted to the

feminine world because of hisemotional makeup. He wasisolated, sensitive, and of asofter, gentler temperament;not given to much physicalinteraction with others, morereclusive and quiet bynature.

2. The devastating andemotionally cripplinghandicap of being subject toearly childhood sexual abuseby his own father. (Age 4!)He was a boy, yet was forcedto be made subject to thesame kind of sexual abuseinflicted upon his sisters;which makes a 4 year oldboy question his ownsexuality/gender when he is

treated the same as othergirls.

3. His own Father taught himthat men (though they mayseem gentle and nice), wereviolent, not to be trusted,abusive, and entirely withoutfeeling when it comes tosatisfying their sexual lusts.

4. He was unable tomeaningfully connect with hismain role model since hisDad was a chronic substanceabuser and physicallyremoved from the homeenvirons due to his multiple

addictions and work. Whenhe was at home, he was nottrying to “Father” his son.

5. He distanced himself from

any possibility of becominganything like his father. To belike him was unthinkable. Hewas associated with thefemales far more readily.

6. His own sexual/genderidentity was seriouslybrought into question by theheartache, abandonment,neglect, abuse, rejection,and undesirable personalityof his own Father.

7. He experienced furtherunwanted sexual abuse by ahomosexual predator. He wasboth confused by it andpleased with it at the sametime. The result: Confusionand repeatedly seeking

similar results; for in thosetypes of sexual encounters,he felt loved, needed,accepted, affirmed, andvalidated as someone ofvalue.

8. He “proved his ownmanhood” by having a wifeand two children; butmiserably failed in the end byhis own neglect and abuse ofthem; thereby morecompletely being persuadedthat he was a total mistake;certainly not a man.

9. His attraction to women’s



clothes/fashions took rootearly on in his childhooddevelopment because by thatact he could thereby becomeidentified/ associated more

completely with what heperceived to be the safe,nurturing, and welcomingworld of women.

10. He was then exposed tothe male-to-femaletranssexual who had been onhormones and looked verymuch like a woman. His mindgrabbed hold of thepossibility that he, too, couldbecome someone who wouldbe pursued by and loved bymen. (Latent homosexualitynow expressed!)

11. He became convincedthat he was like thetranssexual since he liked thethought of being a desirable

woman. His mind becamethoroughly fascinated orenamored by the whole idea… and then finally convincedthat he was actually awoman on the interior; andcould only find remedythrough the ingestion offemale hormones andeventual surgery. He boughtinto and propagated themany stories fostered as theincontrovertible “truth” whileattending the transsexualsupport groups. He wantedso much to be accepted andembraced as a legitimateperson. The stories of other’s

experiences would hopefullyopen many other doors in hisattempt to find love andacceptance.

12. There wasn’t aninvolvement in a long-term,in-depth psychologicalworkup. Instead, he wasasked what treatment hewould self-prescribe for hiscondition? He diagnosed andprescribed his own remedywhile the professional whoshould know better …acquiesced.

13. He didn’t seek Godlycounsel. He got what hewanted as an unspiritual andvery confused man. Yet, inthe end, he sought the truthby first taking a hard andlong look at the family oforigin dysfunction. He did notfoster the politically correct

lies of his transsexualitybeing a product of somegenetic flaw at his birth.

14. His new-foundfriendships furtherencouraged and stimulatedhim into having the surgery.

15. He satisfied his sensuallongings for acceptance andlove through dressing inclothing which made him feelmost comfortable.

16. “But then”… he began toquestion the decision he hadmade; it’s morality and



rightness. Something withinhis heart warned him that hewas doing somethinginherently wrong. What canbe wrong with something

God has created? How is itthat at some point in the journey we discover that ourhuman will is arrogantlyopposed to God’s Divine Willfor our lives? In the midst ofconvincing himself (andothers!) so completely of hisconcocted lie, he was facedby the Holy God, who tried toconvince him that the coursehe was on was not God’s planfor his life. He quickly tookaction, discarding hishormones; yet when soonreturning to his own ways,we find him making the finalarrangements for somethingso life-altering andirreversible.

17. His personal regretscoupled with the ongoinginward prompting of a lovingGod; as well as the manyChristian people sent hisway, created a divided heart.Finally his heart wasawakened to the reality thatif he was to be a Christian,he had to abandon his false-feminine-self and become anauthentic person.

18. Reclaiming his ownmanhood is now his God-given quest. All of the sexualcontact with men hasstopped. His same sex love

needs are secondary to hisobedience to a Holy God andtrue Christianity.

He has discovered that to be

an ex-transsexual is morefulfilling than being an ex-Christian.


ge_id=484

Walking In The Truth

by Kathy Duncan

(Female to Male Transsexual)

“It was too painful to berejected and my convincingmale appearance fooledeveryone. So why tell? I onlyconfided in girls I was dating,hoping they would protectmy secret.”

************ From a veryearly age, I was confusedabout my sexual identity – and who I wanted to be.Even before enteringkindergarten, I rememberpretending to ride my tricycleto my imaginary girlfriend’shouse. But I couldn’t tellanyone about her – weren’tgirls supposed to be likeboys? An even deeper secretwas my strong desire toactually become a boymyself.

Family life was dysfunctional.







My dad was emotionally andverbally abusive. He didn’tseem to know how to hug orto say, “I love you.” In his jealousy, he accused my

mom of affairs that didn’thappen. Mom, on the otherhand, was continuallyseeking nurture from me. Isoon learned that for her tolove me, it would cost me alot.

My older brother sexuallyabused me and I felt I hadno one to talk to. I wasalready emotionallydetached, but the abuse gaveme more reason to leave itthat way. The desire tobecome a boy burned evengreater.

At the age of twelve Ibecame friends with aneighbor boy. We hung out a

lot together and becameinseparable. One day Iconfided in him my desire tobecome a man. He becamevery excited and said, “Nowwe can become brothers.”With his acceptance, I beganto dress as a boy, and healways “covered” for me.

As we got older, we went todifferent schools. Thisworked to my advantage – Icould go to his school dancesas a boy. That’s where I metmy first girlfriend and beganto live a double life.

At 16, I moved out of thehouse and began to live as aman at 19. I initiated male-hormone therapy and wasvery excited. I remember

thinking, “Now I’m free, nowI’m complete.” I changed myname to Keith.

I had moved in with a family.The oldest daughter invitedme to her church youthgroup. I wasn’t interestedbut, upon her insistence, Iwent. There was somethingthere that I hungered foreven though I couldn’tdescribe it.

During one service there wasan altar call. I wanted thechanged life the pastor talkedabout so I went forward. Thenext morning I woke upwaiting to feel changed butdidn’t feel any different. I

took the altar call again.Finally, the third time I said, “OK, Lord, I will do my part.”Something had changed.

Eventually, someone in mychurch found out about mysecret life. I was confrontedby the leadership. Of course,I lied. I even had an ex-girlfriend come in and say itwasn’t true. The churchasked me to leave saying, “We love you.” It hurt to berejected by those whoclaimed to love the Lord. AndI wondered if He really didlove me.






I was beginning to see thatmy past, or so I called it, wassomething I shouldn’t telleveryone. I was alwayslooking over my shoulder,

trying to stay two stepsahead of everything andeveryone. It was too painfulto be rejected and myconvincing male appearancefooled everyone. So why tell?I only confided in girls I wasdating, hoping they wouldprotect my secret.

After losing another girlfriendI cared very much for, Ibegan to drink. I confided ina drinking buddy who wasn’tbothered by me, so wechased girls together. I soonfound a job working as aman and quickly begandrinking with my workfriends. While at this job, Imet a nice Christian girl. We

began to date and after awhile I told her about me.She accepted me and wantedme to go to church with her.I did and like it.

I gave up drinking for her,but had a new struggle – pornography. It gripped melike a drug. I finally told mygirlfriend about it but shedidn’t know how to help. Imanaged to keep my use to just once a week but that toowas hard. Soon after webroke up.

I quickly fell into another

relationship, but soon sawthe pattern of my father inme. The dysfunction of therelationship shocked me andI fled from it. I decided I

couldn’t be that kind of man.I became more diligent aboutgoing to church and joinedthe orchestra. One nightwhile on my way to practice,I heard the Lord as me loudand clear, “Will you now? Willyou now?” I had nothing tolose so I said, “Yes, Lord. Iwill.”

From that point on, He reallybegan to work on me. I gaveup drinking and wasdelivered from pornography.Sermons were hitting homeand I began to make roomfor God everywhere. He hadtruly entered my life and wasclearing house.

The Lord brought a marriedcouple into my life whobecame my spiritual parents.They encouraged me to getinvolved in ministry. So I did.I became a men’s smallgroup leader in the Jr. Highministry, a men’s leader inthe single’s ministry, and wasstill playing French horn inthe church orchestra. I hadalso met a godly woman whoI wanted to marry. Knowing Iwould need counsel aboutthis relationship, I finallyopened up to my spiritualparents about me. They weregrieved but accepted me and



stood beside me. Meanwhile,God began sending deepconviction in my life. Iremember reading in theWord that our bodies were

the temple of the Holy Spiritand wondered, “What have Idone to myself?”

After reading Psalm 139, Ibegan to cry because itspoke so clearly how Godhad created me and knownme from the beginning. Iwondered what the truth wasand how God saw me. Thepastor of the church learnedabout my situation andconfronted me. After almosttwelve years, here I wasagain. All I knew to do wasto tell the truth, so I did. “Iam a woman living as a man,I confessed.”

At that point God breathed

His Truth into me and I knewif I wanted the relationshipwith Him I so desired, then Ihad no other choice than togo back to being a woman.Pure and simple.

So I chose God and theTruth. I asked Him to carryme because I wasn’t surehow capable I was. He gaveme this Scripture in Isaiah41:10: “So do not fear, for Iam with you; do not bedismayed, for I am your God,I will strengthen you andhelp you; I will uphold youwith my righteous right

hand.” As I stepped on thisforeign ground for the firsttime, God met me there.

Not even a week later I met

with a woman who hadformerly lived as a man andhad gone back to living as awoman. I had so manyquestions. Most of themconcerned physical changes.After nearly twelve years ofpumping my body full ofhormones, I wondered how Icould ever look like a womanagain. But the Lord was incharge and asked me to stopthe hormones, then began awork in my heart. I met withthe women’s leader at thePortland Fellowship,participated in their 10-month program. In thebeginning, I had a hard timerelating and felt really out ofplace.

As I worked through pasthurts, I knew the Lordwanted to become my TRUEFather. At first I said, “Noway, You’ll hurt me and Ican’t trust you in that place.”But I needed a daddy and Hedid seem safe so I finallyagreed. He continued toshow me what a good dad Hereally was and how I couldrun to Him as a hurting child.

That summer I went to anExodus national conference. Iasked God to reveal how Ihad become deceived about



becoming a man. He showedme how wrong perceptionsand beliefs that women wereweak and men hated womenshaped my thinking.

I had the mind set that, sinceI was a woman, then I washated. And I hated myself.So I thought in order to lovemyself and be accepted byothers, I needed to become aman. I wanted to protectwomen from men like mydad. This way of thinkingtrapped me in web of lies,but the Truth was simple:Jesus is the Truth and I cancome to Him.

After the perceptions andbeliefs I’d held wereexposed, Truth began to berevealed – Truth about who Ireally was and how I wascreated to be.

In addition to attendingseveral Exodus Conferencesand being an activeparticipant and mentored byThe Portland Fellowship, oneof the many life changingevents was attending a weeklong intensive seminar. Thiswas a heavy duty week oftruth. And I came homechanged … going from theold to the new in a matter ofdays and I was scared. Oneday I was marveling abouthow God had changed myway of thinking. I waswalking in absolute truth,

overwhelmed by it, but notwanting to return to the lie. Iwas soon comforted andaffirmed by God when Hesaid to me, “You are who I

created you to be, now walkin that.”

I continue to be amazed athow He has changed mythinking, my behavior, mybeliefs and most definitelymy perceptions. “For youshall know the Truth and theTruth shall set you f ree.”(John 8:32)

“That is why I am sufferingas I am. Yet I am notashamed, because I knowwhom I have believed, andam convinced that He is ableto guard what I haveentrusted to Him for thatday.” (2 Timothy 1:12).


Wife Contract

http://help4families.com/wp-

content/uploads/2013/01/wif

econtract.pdf

A Mother’s Expression of

Pain

A Mother’s expression of PainTo her son who is sufferingfrom Gender Identity



http://help4families.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/wifecontract.pdf










Disorder

It is just too hard to saygoodbye, everyday I drownmyself in tears and cry

Why do you want to besomeone else and not theboy I gave birth to?

Why are you doing this toyourself and us, Don’t youunderstand how much welove You?

You take the drugs andchange your nameevery day that goes by Irealize that nothing will everbe the same

Nothing ever will and I justgo on feeling the painLonging, Loving the memoryof my little boy of my sonWhat have I ever done? To

deserve this?

I did the best that I could butsomething broke inside ofyou, Something that I cannotfixYou continue to listen to thelies and keep the door opento satan’s tricks

I thought that love would win

out but you still keepchoosing to believe the lies,telling you that you are awoman trapped in a man’sbody, a body that you sayyou despise.

I cannot bear it, to see youfading away, like you arelocked inside a tombdestroying the very body thatI worked so hard to take care

of from the first day I foundout God put you in mywomb,

It is not fair, it isextremely cruel,God made you a man andthere is No other rule

If you loved me you wouldcome to your senses andrealize the truth and seekhelpInstead you say no and I amgoing to think only aboutmyself

You are my first, a son andan older brother, what if Isaid to you, I no longer wantto be your mother?

Yet you want me to look atyou in your insanity and treatyou like a daughter, I ratherbe a cow being led to theslaughter

You say you are happier withthis new life you’ve chosen;How can you be happierwhen each day your heartremains frozen?

Frozen and hard to yourfamilies appeals, that youstop all this insanity andcome back to what is real!What is real is that you are a



man and will always be thatway, you can try to changethe outside but never yourDNA

What is real is that we raisedyou as our son and we willlove and care for no otherwe want our son back andyour siblings want theirbrother

Our hearts are shattered wehave nothing left but brokenpieces and pictures wecannot look at because theycause us heartache and painsIt is like watching the son Ilove slowly fading away withevery drop of estrogen youput into your veins

What made medical scienceand doctors so arrogant theyuse weapons of massdistortion

they kill the unborn and sayit is a choiceand encourage sick confusedpeople like you to commitidentity abortion.

They do not care that this isa sin, because Jesus is nottheir Savior, they do notbelieve in HIM, insteadthey say their savior is a theman, Harry Benjamin

They do not care about you,your family or your salvation,they just want to indoctrinateyou and the others into theirAgenda for this Nation

Wake up I say to you inJesus Name! You have noone else but yourself toblame because you choose totrust strangers and believe

the lies ofthat blind you so much youcannot seeInstead of the truth of God’sWord, the only thing that willset you free!

I do not know what it willtake so I cry and I pray toGod to save you before it istoo lateJesus said knock and thedoor will be opened andnarrow is the gate..

Stop thinking and fearingwhat will happen if you turnback, put your trust in theLordAnd He will give you thestrength that you lack

Yes, I have been angry andcried until my eyes areswollen, for I do not want myprecious son whom I love tobe stolen

You are almost 32 now daysturning into years, If you donot trust God I do and I havethe faith that He will deliveryou and wipe away my tears.

His Word says He hears mewhen I cry and pray, so I willwait upon the Lord and be atrest until that day.





Written by Lily 2010


ge_id=623

Becky’s Testimony

Coincidentally I’m calledBecky, & often-just Beck. Iwas born male suffering fromacute shyness & severeinferiority complexes from anearly age. Somewhere in thistime I began cross-dressingin my mother’s clothesliterally in closets. I wantedto date girls, get married andhave children but myshyness & self-hatredprevented me from everbeing able to find awife/partner. I always fearedhurting a wife and children asyour own testimonialconfirms my fears. Like most

Trans folks I bought into thedeception I was a member ofthe opposite sex trapped inthe wrong body. I am 54years old, having changedmy name in the early 90′s toRebecca Jean. I have hadirreversible sex reassignmentsurgery (creation of a “neovagina” includingcastration) in 1997. My ownthankfully not too largebreasts are a result of manyyears taking HRT (estrogen)and must continue takingcongregated estrogen for theremainder of my physical lifeon this earth. Here in Canada

I am designated female onall legal documentation. I livea lonely and celibate (chaste)life for most of my years esp.I don’t have the same

physical temptations postoperatively.

Over the last few years Ihave been coming to knowGod on my own. I have cometo realize the absolute truth;I am as God had originallycreated me. I am learning ofGod’s Righteous Judgment ofwhich both this sinning Godhating world and myselfrightly deserve. I’m alsobeginning to understandGod’s Grace through theshed blood of our Lord JesusChrist on the cross for mysins; becoming a kind of “Christian Secret Agent”though daily reading &studying Bible passages,

daily devotionals, viewingcertain internet websites,such as SO4J.com, WestboroBaptist Church, & otherinternet teachers, writteninternet resources such asWeb Bible/Bible Gateway, &listening to XM 170 FamilyTalk. (esp. Bible Answer Man& XM 34 Enlighten SouthernGospel). I have only recentlybegun to share my faith withanyone literally apart fromwriting Exodus, & the muchhated Westboro BaptistChurch of which I haveadopted a strange affectionfor “fire and brimstone”







Calvinistic preaching. Iattended a local GraceCommunity Church for thefirst time only last week,tomorrow (Sun Jul 18/10)

will be my second visit. I’mstill so scared of othersfinding out about beingrejected and me. I seemyself suffering as similar topoor Job; struggling in myflesh, feeling at times castdown, in shame &everlastingguilt; condemned to hell withDeut.22: 5 & Deut 23:1-2,Gen 19,Lev. 18:22 & 20:13 &sexual sins of 1 Cor 6:9-20 &Romans 1:18-32 I feel it ofutmost importance to sharemy story with you and ask ifI might be allowed to prayfor you & the others in yourHelp4 families organization inmy Daily Confession of Faithto the Lord thy God.


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Prayers for my Husband

Romans 12:1In view of your mercy, maymy husband present his bodyas a living sacrifice, holy andpleasing to you, which is hisspiritual act of worship. Ipray that he would notconform any longer to thepattern of the world, but betransformed by the renewingof his mind. Then he will beable to test and approve

what Your will is “ your good,pleasing, and perfect will.

Ephesians 1:17I keep asking that the God of

our Lord Jesus Christ, theglorious Father, may give myhusband the Spirit of wisdomand revelation so that hemay know you better. I prayalso that the eyes of hisheart may be enlightened inorder that he may know thehope to which you havecalled him, the riches of yourglorious inheritance in thesaints and your incomparablygreat power for him whobelieves.

2 Corinthians 10:3The weapons we fight withare not the weapons of theworld. On the contrary, theyhave divine power todemolish strongholds. I pray

that my husband woulddemolish arguments andevery pretension that setsitself up against theknowledge of God and takecaptive every thought tomake it obedient to Christ.

John 8:32I pray that my husband

would know the truth and thetruth would set him free.

Philippians 4:8-9I pray that my husbandwould think about whateveris true, whatever is noble,whatever is right, whatever









is pure, whatever is lovely,whatever is admirable, ifanything is excellent orpraiseworthy, he would put itinto practice. And the God of

peace will be with him.

Isaiah 61:1Lord Jesus you came to bindup the brokenhearted, toproclaim freedom for thecaptives and release fromdarkness for the prisoners.You said you would bestowon them a crown of beautyinstead of ashes, the oil ofgladness instead ofmourning, and a garment ofpraise instead of a spirit ofdespair and so I ask you todo that for my husband.

Colossians 2:2I pray that my husbandwould be encouraged in heartand united in love, so that he

might have the full riches ofcomplete understanding, inorder that he might know themystery of God, namelyChrist, in whom are hiddenall the treasures of wisdomand knowledgeâ€¦I pray that just as my husband receivedyou, Christ Jesus as Lord, hewould continue to live in you,

rooted and built up in you,strengthened in the faith ashe was taught andoverflowing withthankfulness. I pray that hewould see to it that no onetakes him captive throughhollow and deceptive

philosophies, which dependon human tradition and thebasic principles of this worldrather than on Christ. For inyou, Christ, all the fullness of

the Deity lives in bodily formand my husband has beengiven fullness in you, Christ,who is head over everypower and authority.

1 Peter 5:5-10I pray that my husbandwould clothe himself withhumility toward othersbecause God opposes theproud, but gives grace to thehumble. Lord, let himhumble himself under yourmighty hand that you maylift him up in due time. Ipray that he would cast all ofhis anxieties on you becauseyou care for him. I pray forstrength for him that hewould be self controlled and

alert because our enemy thedevil prowls around like aroaring lion looking forsomeone to devour. I praythat he would resist himstanding firm in the faithbecause other brothersthroughout the world areundergoing the same kind ofsufferings. And then I ask

that you, the God of grace,who called him to youreternal glory in Christ, thatafter he has suffered a littlewhile that you will restorehim and make him strong,firm and steadfast.



Colossians 1:9For this reason, since the dayI heard about this I have notstopped praying for myhusband and asking God to

fill him with the knowledge ofHis will through all spiritualwisdom and understanding.


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Devastating Release – a

poem

O Lord, I’ve battled for solong to hold onto and keepall of my defenses and walls.After all, they have kept mehidden-hidden so well.

Yet all the while You saw me,that is, the real me. In thedeepest parts–with all of mystruggles to get out—to

break-thru from all of thosesame defenses and walls thatI so diligently built up. O, ittook me so many years andso much energy. I became anexpert at it. No one reallyknew who I was—but You, OLord, always knew me andloved me and You patientlyawaited for the time that Ilost all the strength I hadused to build up my ownhiding places. And then theybegan to crumble….and I felt,too, that I was crumbinginside.

“It’s all right”, You whispered,

“this is the way, walk in it.I’m right here beside you andI am moved withcompassion. Now that youare ready—take My hand and

walk with me thru this darkand ‘losing’ place once again,so that as you lose the selfthat you built up, then youcan place your trust in Meand all I have yet planned forthe new you”.

Ah, sweet devastation, youcan bring release! Who canunderstand it? I cannot! BUTHE CAN! The One whocreated me…and now and yetand still, He is creating meand redeeming me from allthe darkness and the pain ofthe past years. Thedesperation will breathe forthyet another glorious birth!

By Donna Shuck


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Jeff’s Story

This is my story. I hope itgives the Lord Jesus Glory. Iwas about 17 years old whenI decided to move to a city inthe state of Maine . Onesunny day I left home with asuitcase and started tohitchhike across the state. Tomy surprise, I got there andmy first stop was at a gaybar. I think I stayed at a











friend’s house that night.Then as time went on, Imoved to that city; and livedthere for about 5 years. Imet this transgender person

at the nightclub one night,and I thought this is themost beautiful person I haveever seen. We introduced ourself’s and became bestfriends.My friend told me about anEndocrinologist who wouldsee you in his office and talkwith you to see if you’re acandidate to live your life asa woman or transsexual. Ifthe doctor thought you werea good candidate, he wouldwrite you a prescription forfemale hormones. The day Isaw the doctor he wrote theprescription, I was about18years old when I startedtaking them.

After about a year and a halfmy breast started to look likea girls, going throughpuberty. I was so excited atthat time. I felt as though Iwas turning into this personthat I had always wanted tobe. I was not aware that Iwas listening to the DEVILsaying, “Your a girl trappedin a mans body,” I thought Iwas hearing myself at thattime.

I later moved from Maine toBoston Massachusetts . I gotinvolved with drugs, drinking,and prostitution. I had

implants in my breasts forfifteen to sixteen years. Afterabout 18 years living inBoston , I wanted a newmove, who knew it would be

back to Maine . I got involvedin doing the same thingsthere, this time I was alsodoing Heroin, Oxycontin, andMethadone.

One day I got into a fightwith a friend and she pushedme down a very large flightof stairs. It was shocking tome at that moment. At thebottom of the stairs when Istood up, the thought, “WOWGOD HAD TO HAVE BEENWITH ME,” came to me.There were no broken bonesbut I was in a lot of pain sobad, it kept me in bed for awhile. One day while I was inmy bed something orsomeone sat me up; I was

puzzled because I had notused my hands or arms to situp. This is the thought thatcame to me at that moment, “WOW, I FEEL LIKE I HAVESOLD MY SOUL TO THEDEVIL BECAUSE, I HAVE TOGO TO A METHADONECLINIC IN ORDER TOFUNCTION.” I thought deeplyand then I started talking toGod I said, “God, if I could just get through three daysof not going to the clinic, Icould not go back anywaybecause I would be breakingthe contract I signed withthem. Well to my surprise,



God got me through thosethree days and it was veryhard for me, I was goingthrough withdrawal, musselspasms, and pain.

One day I went to theHospital and while I was in awheelchair there a little oldwoman walked up to me andasked me, “DO YOU K NOWJESUS?” I Lied to her, andsaid, “yes.” When I left thehospital after the doctor sawme. When I got home and tomy surprise, this is what Iwas hearing all the time inmy head, “DO YOU K NOW JESUS?” this went on forsome time, finally I said, “WELL, I know of him but doI really no him?” I startedwatching TBN Ministries andwould eventually say thesinner’s prayer. But I did notfeel any better or different. I

was somewhat upset so Isaid, “Well God, now that youlive in me why don’t I feelany different?” I got back inbed was looking up to theceiling and was talking toGod and on my TV PaulaWhite was on preaching GodsWord. To my shock I had justasked God three question’sand then turned to the TVAnd Paula Whites face wasmagnified to the size of anormal persons head andGod answered the threequestions that I had justasked him, I could see livingwater moving around Paula’s

head. I was in Awe.

God reached his hand downfrom Heaven pulled 41pictures in front of my face.

He showed me from the timeI was born until that momentwith him. Every picture was aliving motion picture forevery year that I had everlived. He said, “This is yougrowing, developing, andchanging. Honey, this isn’ tyou, this is what the Devilhas done to you.” I was inawe! I could really feel hisbreath on my face when hetalked to me, His breathalone was speaking thesewords, LOVE, PRESHESNESS,Tenderness, mercy, andGrace; those are the wordsof Truth he said. From thatmoment, I knew that I hadlistened to a LIE for all thoseyears. The Lord gave me alot

of visions and continued totalk to me and give meRevelation to transgender, inthe supernatural.

He baptized me with hisSpirit in October of 2005 andset me free from all thedrugs, drinking, prostitution,Homosexuality,Transsexualism, anddepression. Praise GOD HA.He truly is the way the Truthand the life. Thank youJESUS, I LOVE YOU MY LORDAND SAVIOR. I am now livingas a man again and havebeen since 2006 Gods quick.





And know that I am verygrateful for him. Thanks forlistening to the testimonyfrom the Lord He gave this tome, for his Glory. All things

are possible to them thatbelieve, AMEN . Remember,there is a way His name isJESUS. If you don’t knowHim and would like his help,talk to him He is right therewith you in spirit. Jesus iscalling you and you did notread this by accident.

Jeffrey.


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Anthony’s Story

I was born in the 1970′s onthe west coast, my mom anddad separated when I was

very young. I grew up withmy mom and mygrandmother for the mostpart in those first years.When I was young, perhaps5 my family lived in a rathernormal suburbanneighbourhood in NorthernCalifornia. One day when Iwas out playing with three orfour other kids on older boyperhaps early teenagermolested us in a group sexact. I buried the shame, inmy heart and never dealtwith it. Soon after that Icame to the realization that Iwanted to be a girl; however

that is expressed in the heartof a 5 year old. I remembersitting on the steps of myschool and wanting to playwith the girls, be with the

girls. I disliked the boys andreally did not want to be partof their group. As I continuedto grow up this desire to be agirl increased, when wewould go to friend’s houseswho had dress up clothes, Iwould put on the dresses andpretend I was a princess.When I was 9 or 10 myparents started going tochurch, I remember prayingto Jesus every night tochange me into a girl. Ihoped that I would wake inthe morning and somehowbecome female.

As puberty came I was reallyconfused and distressed. Mymind wanted to develop as a

female but my body wasbecoming more masculine.This is when I started crossdressing, mostly in mymom’s bras, panties andlingerie. There was somesexual pleasure from it,however mostly I would justwear them around the housebelieving I was a girl. I washomeschooled and my momworked out of the housequite a bit so there was a lotof time for this. When I was16 Jesus saved me and forsome time I had some peace,but after a while the desireswere back and worse than







ever. I would try and fight,but would ultimately go backto cross dressing.

As I entered my late teens,

early 20′s the cross dressingstopped but I still wrestledwith this desire in my life. Iwould hear accusations in myhead; “You are Female, Youcan’t hack it as a man.”Sometimes it was like a drumbeating in my head over andover, for days or weeks onend. I struggled withdepression, tiredness, just aheavy heart. I had a hardtime having fun, becausewhen I was out with myfriends I was jealous of thegirls and fun they werehaving. That started tobecome a theme in my life, Iwas jealous of females; theircurves, softness, and what Iperceived as superiority over

men. I hated everythingabout my masculinity; I hadfantasies at times ofcastrating myself and endingthe control of testosteroneover my life… It was duringall this that I met a beautifulwoman, who was to be mywife. I truly cared for her andloved her, but I also waslooking for an identity inmarriage, although I couldnot express it at the time.

I started dating my wife inthe summer of 2001; wewere engaged in Decemberof 2001 and married in April

of 2002. In total we hadreally known each other 8months before we weremarried. I did it the oldfashion way and went and

asked her father if we couldsee each other. Growing upin a conservative Christianhome I knew how to walk thewalk and talk the talk andeffectively fooled everyonearound me into thinking thatI was this awesome guywhen inside I was being tornup by my Gender Identity.

I would like to diverge here alittle bit, to discuss a topicthat is near to my heart. Ilooked at marriage as a wayto get my identity, don’t getme wrong, I cared for mywife when we got marriedbut my heart was in it for thewrong reasons. Since mytranssexuality was my secret,

that I protected, I of coursedid not want to tell mefiancé. I was more interestedin protecting myself, than tobe discovered and outed tothe church. I look back onthis with a lot of remorse, asa husband you are supposedto protect your wife and myheart definitely was notthere. Men, if you are livingwith sexual sin, I implore youto NOT get married until youhave dealt with it. As men weare called to be the leadersand if leading for you meansto break off a relationship fora time or indefinitely in order





to protect the woman thanyou need to have the guts todo it. Please do not drag yourfiancé through the crap that Ihave dragged my wife

through just because you donot have the guts to break itoff.

My wife found out about myGender Identity issues earlyon in the marriage, of courseafter our wedding. Thisstarted a 6 year longrelationship, or lack ofrelationship with mefantasizing about being awoman, not leading my wifeand becoming morewithdrawn from her. I guessit was not always like this,there were times we wereclose, but much of ourmarriage was characterizedby my issues and mywithdrawing and in return

her becoming bitter. Westarted attending a churchand one of the pastorssuggested that I go and meetwith a Christian counsellor.This period started reallygood, I learned a lot throughthis counsellor and JohnEldridge’s book “Wild atHeart”. I really started to seethe spiritual warfare side ofGID, the constantaccusations, the heaviness inmy heart, the depressionthat had always been withme. I remember beggingJesus to take these desiresfrom me; I was trying to use

Jesus snake oil to fix myissues. This spiralled out ofcontrol, and I really lost sightof God in all of this. I startedasking why and trying to

research everything aboutGID and the more I did themore depressed I became. Ifinally wore myself out inSpring/Summer of 2008 andgave in, I decided thatmedicine/psychology musthave the answers and maybelike an intersex condition thiswas just the way I was. I toldmy wife I was leaving andwanted to divorce andtransition to becoming awoman. I went out andbought supplies and women’sclothing that night, and wentto hotel room. I won’t go intoall the details, but as I satthere in all my “feminineglory”, reading on mycomputer the stories of other

TS folks I remember praying “God what am I doing???”And I remember this stillsmall voice ask “Is this whatyou really want?”, myresponse was “No, whatshould I do?” and what Iheard still rings in my headto this day; “Run!! Run backto your wife.” So I did, my

wife being the faithful,loving, and Godly womanthat she is accepted meback, and forgave me. Shereally showed Jesus to me,that even though I hurt her,she was thinking she wasgoing to be divorced and



have to explain to our kidsthat daddy left. She wasgoing to have to find a job,figure out where to live. I just through all of her marital

security away in 6 hours, butshe took me back and lovedme…

In late December, earlyJanuary of 2009 I began tostruggle heavily again. Mydays became very dark, Iwas depressed, feelinganxious and panicked likewhat if I was supposed to bea woman all these years andI was living a lie. I went on abusiness trip and by the timeI came back home I was justdone. I again told my wifethat I could no longer livethis life and that I needed toleave to pursue my “true life”as a female. I left my wifethat night and told her that I

wanted to separate. As I leftto go back out and check intoa hotel I was feeling reallyangry with God. I was yellingon the drive “God, this isbigger than you. I can’t dothis anymore, I am so tiredof fighting and I just want tolive the way that my mindwants me to live.” Iremember God distinctlytelling me “I am your fatherand you are my son. You donot need to do this; you needto get your significance fromme.” I yelled back “No God Iam done with this crap, thisis ridiculous, I am living a lie

and I need to be female.” Iwrestled and wrestled withthis for hours. Finally I wasworn down and just askedGod, “What do I need to do?”

The answer I got was; “Getyour significance from me,not from being female. Youneed to follow me and loveme more than this.”

I went back home, needlessto say my wife was totallyshaken, saddened and angryby my giving into this. It stilltook several weeks, ofwrestling through this issue.I was trying to fight whatGod was telling me. I stillwanted to believe that thisissue was genetic, thatsomehow some where therewas some loop hole. I startedreading an older website by aman who wrestled with theseissues and decided that He

needed to stay being malefor the sake of his wife andkids. I have to say it was oneof the very few sites that Ifound that was not entirelypro-transgendered, but I wasencouraged. I went to churchand spoke with one of thepastors; his thoughts for mewere that I had given upfighting the temptation andwas falling into a trap. Istarted going to aRedemption Group that ourchurch has developed. Istarted to learn thatTranssexuality was my Egypt,my slavery and that God was



calling me out of that onto apath of redemption. I learnedthat we as humans are madefor worship. Worship is like ahose that you cannot stop;

you can point it in variousdirections but cannot make itstop. As humans we are likethat hose, we pour ourworship on God or other idolsin our lives. I was worshipingfemininity and was ready tosacrifice myself, my wife andmy children on that altar.After searching my heart Ialso realized that I was angrywith God, I think mostly fornot “fixing me” the way Iwanted. I wanted to pray theprayer and any desire to befemale would be gone and Iwould be some sort of super-man. When God did not fixme this way after years ofpraying for it, I becamebitter.

So where am I now, I amfighting the fight, andrunning the race. I amworking out what redemptionin Jesus looks like fortransgender people. Am I stilltempted, yes, but I amlearning that I am fightingthrough the trial, with Christby my side. I feel like Paulwhen he says; “So to keepme from becoming conceited

because of the surpassinggreatness of the revelations,

a thorn was given me in the

flesh, a messenger of Satanto harass me, to keep me

from becoming conceited.

Three times I pleaded withthe Lord about this, that it

should leave me. But he saidto me, “My grace is sufficient

for you, for my power ismade perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all themore gladly of myweaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest

upon me. For the sake of

Christ, then, I am contentwith weaknesses, insults,hardships, persecutions, and

calamities. For when I am

weak, then I am strong.”

I am thankful for a God whopursues us, and wants a realrelationship with us. I amthankful for a loving, patientand spirit filled wife, who wasrighteously angry with me attimes, who would not give into me, always prayed for me

and pushed me to pursueChrist. I am also thankful tothe pastors and deacons ofmy church who came alongside of me and taught mewhat redemption in JesusChrist looks like.


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Donna’s Story

My testimony– Donna 2/17/09

I believe my testimony starts







very early in my childhood. Ihad anything but a “normallife.” My mother was a verysick person. She was analcoholic who abused me

verbally, physically, sexuallyand there was someritualistic abuse as well. I canremember her doing thesethings all my life. Therewere nightly rituals andevery night ended the sameway – my mom would getbeside my bed and whisperthat every thing that waswrong in her life was myfault. Her pet name for me – Dumb Dora. My dad wasoften out of town so shewas free to do anything shewanted. On the outside wewere the perfect family butwe were the opposite. Froma very early age I sang toescape. I learned todisappear into myself and

singing helped. In school, I joined any music class Icould, and excelled but myother grades were awful. Ididn’t care – I was in somuch pain and confusion – Icouldn’t understand how mymom could do those thingsto me. I felt that I was theonly girl in the world

going through what I was. Imean this was my mom…The beatings came everyother week or so when herbooze money would run outbut I knew every nightthe same thing was going tohappen once my dad was

asleep in his chair andshe had enough to drink shewould be up to my room likealways. She never letme around family when I was

young so I couldn’t tell. Istarted telling incrediblestories at school anything toget someone to realizesomething was wrong andwhen they would call to findout what was going on mymom would get the call andtell them how I was alwaysmaking up these stories andthey would laugh it off. Inthe process she knew if Iever told no one wouldbelieve me – As I got olderand more grown up she haddeveloped a drug addictionalong with her alcoholismand she needed a way tofund her addiction, so shebegan to take me to the bars– the ones with all women

and she began to sell meto fund her habit. I wasnever allowed to date boysmuch less show interestin them. At school I didn’tknow what to do…I was beingexposed to this lifestyle inthe dark but at school herewere all these girls holdinghands with and kissing guys.

I never went to party’s forfear that I might be expectedto kiss a guy…I didn’t knowhow. I know this soundsstupid but my experienceswere never wanted, they justcame to the car and did whatthey did…strangely the only





comfort I knew how to findwas in this activity…some ofthe women weregentle…almost seemed sorrywhen I would cry or plead

that they stop…but it alwaysended the same. This wenton for almost two years, tillfinally one night my mom gotreally crazy and her and mydad had it out and she leftthe next day – finally it wasover…but I didn’t knowhow to stop telling stories…Ididn’t know I was smart,I didn’t know I had value. Ididn’t know God but I wantedto know the love I heardabout in the Christian music Ilisted too… All the songsabout hope & being loved nomatter what I had done…butas I started to read thebible I got even moredepressed, the things I haddone…the bible said these

were an abomination to theLord….even though I had nochoice I felt so unworthy. Iknew he was at the doorknocking but I didn’t knowhow to answer. At Eighteen Istarted going to a small fullgospel church and gave myheart to God and wasbaptized. On the outside I

was living a normal life forthe first time ever but it wasan act. I was having panicattacks…I slept in front of mydoor in the floor so no onecould come in butthe memories were therehaunting me so I entered

therapy to the first timeand over came my need tolie to be in control. I met myhusband to be in 1987 andwe were friends for several

years. One night he gave mea bible…a friend told me, hemay not know it yet but he istelling you what kind of wifehe wants. We got marriedand I joined the church ofChrist but I had no idea howto be a wife (not a Godlyone) or a mom. I just tried tointimate what I had seen onTV and what my Nana haddone. Before long I was ina severe depression , thepanic attacks were worse andall I wanted to do was sleepand I didn’t have theslightest idea of how to beintimate with a man – Michael had no idea of myabusive past with my mommostly because I locked all of

the sexual abuse away – I just couldn’t deal with it butit was coming back. Afteryears of trying we finally hadJosh & then two years laterAmber came along. By thetime I got pregnant withAmber my motherhad become ill with Cirrhosisof the Liver and was dying.

At the end I retired from a job with the State for Texasto take care of her. I waswith her to the end – her stilltelling me how stupid I was – How my husband wouldcome to his senses and leaveme for someone better… but



the bible said wewere supposed to take careof our parents…it didn’t sayto take care of them unlessthey treated you bad….just

take care of them….so I did.I was with her when shedied. After that everyonewent home and I went topieces. She died in Octoberof 2000 and in December Ihad my first nervousbreak down and beganhaving flash back, I thought Iwas crazy but I tried to goon like nothing was wrong.But it was becoming obviousI wasn’t OK, thepanic attacks were awful andthe anxiety worse…I did notwant to be in a crowd, Ibegan to think about dying…Ieven planned how I would killmyself…then I found aChristian therapist. At first Ionly told here about the

anxiety but as I began totrust her I opened up aboutthe panic attacks andI described one to her aboutthe figure over me without aface, finally one time Iwhispered it was mom, stillbeing afraid if I said it outloud I would be in trouble.Then the fear and anger

began to flood out and Icouldn’t stop crying orshaking for hours, the greatsecret was out. A few monthslater I checked into a hospitalbecause of the suicidalthoughts. It was like jail, Icouldn’t have my things at

first I couldn’t close mydoor even. Slowly I startedto work through all of thepoison that had filledmy heart for so long. I began

to accept that I hadn’t doneanything wrong that I had nochoice in any of the things Idid all those times my momtook me out….I was simplysurviving. I was also able toask my dad about it. He saidhe never knew and that hewas sorry I had to gothrough that. Soon after Icame home we lost ourhouse and had to move inwith my dad. Up to now wehad gone to a Church ofChrist and I had longed to goto a spirit filled church butMichael wouldn’t hear of it.We had visited church withmy dad and I had even sangwith him a few times butMichael was not

comfortable at all. TheWednesday after we movedin with dad Michael said letsgo to church with your dadand a miracle happened. Heloved it , the music,the people, the freedom toworship. We soon joined. Mydad was on the praise teamand I soon joined in. The joy

that would well up in mewhen I would sing wasamazing. God was healingme from the inside outalready but the mostawesome miracle of all wassoon to come. A ladiesretreat was planned and I



wanted to go but couldn’tafford it. Someone paid forme to go and they asked meto lead the praise andworship for the retreat. As I

prayed for direction inchoosing the music I justkept hearing “have peace,be still and know that I amGod and I am greater thananything you havebeen through, My healingisn’t always instant but it isALWAYS COMPLETE”The retreat was amazing Ibegan to feel a peace I neverhad before as Iheard testimony aftertestimony I realized I wasn’talone in thisbattle…Women peopleeverywhere from every walkof life were dealing withabuse from their childhoodeach feeling alone andunworthy because of the

things they endured. Thelast day of the retreat wewent into a time of prayerand all the pain I had lockedaway started to come upinside me…all the anger,the fear of rejection and thefear of disappointing, thefear of loneliness just pouredout and as I was sobbing …

screaming to the Lord I sawthe preachers wife goingfrom person to personpraying healing andpeace….She went to everywoman in that room butme…I continued crying out toGod uncontrollably out loud,

unashamed of my need ofcomplete restorationuntil slowly the crying slowedand I felt a warmth unlikenothing I have ever felt, a

peace and felling of completelove and worthiness filled meand I was truly happy. LaterGaye would tell me God toldher He wanted to healme Himself but he could onlydo that when I gave himeverything – everypain, every sin, every assaultshe gave me I had to give toHim and He took itand replaced it with His loveand peace. I was floatingliving without all the junkinside of me. I was truly freefor the first time ever. Theson My Redeemer Lives tookon new meaning for me justthe words “You tookmy burdens, I’ll rise with youI’m dancing on this mountain

top to see your Kingdomcome” I have been on thatmountain filled with HisGlory. There has never beenanother day that I havesuffered depression nomatter how sick I have beenor how bad things seem Ialways remember how Hetouched my soul and saved

me. As I go through trialsand loss I remember Hispromise – My healing isn’talways instant but it isalways complete. I havebeen so blessed beyond whatI deserve, my healing fromdepression was only one



of several including a healingfrom severe pain and healingfrom a severe allergy to beefthat nearly killed me andlasted over 5 years. He gave

me a husband who not onlystayed with me but wentthrough the pit ofdarkness with me. He gaveme a true mothers heart andGodly women to show menot everyone was like her.God I hope I can be anexample to others that youcan go to the pit of helland have God lift you out andfill you with love and peace.


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One Man’s Testimony

Isaiah 6 :5 – 8 “Woe tome!” I cried. “I am ruined!

For I am a man of uncleanlips, and I live among apeople of unclean lips, andmy eyes have seen the King,the LORD Almighty.” Thenone of the seraphs flew tome with a live coal in hishand, which he had takenwith tongs from the altar.With it he touched my mouthand said, ”See, this hastouched your lips; your guiltis taken away and yoursin atoned for.” Then I heardthe voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? Andwho will go for us?” And Isaid, “Here am I. Send me!”

My Testimony

Two days after Christmas in1991, I sat my wife downand told her about my life

long struggle. I explained toher that I cross-dressed insecret ever since I was sevenyears old. I confessed this toher because it wastaking control of my life. Toquote Bob Bennett “the thingthat was keeping me alive forso long was now killing me.”

I somehow hoped that shecould rescue me from mystruggle. The oppositewas true. In fact, Ioverwhelmed Beverly withthis revelation. I expectedher to understand it, and Ididn’t understand it myselfand I had been dealingwith this all my life.

My childhood really was notmuch different from others inmy generation of the sixtiesand seventies. I had adistant, and sometimes,violent relationship withmy father. I fought with mytwo brothers almosteveryday. I am the oldest offour siblings; two brothersand a sister. Myyoungest brother, Bret,attempted suicide when Iwas sixteen, he was eleven.He shot himself in thestomach with my father’s 22rifle that was witnessedby my brother. Needless to







say, this had quite an impacton my life. Bret did survivethis attempt only to die a fewyears later in a car accident.He was sixteen years old.

I joined the Navy right out ofhigh school. Not because Iwas patriotic, rather I wantedto escape from my family.While in boot camp, Icouldn’t do anything right. Ayoung strong Christian manfrom Arizona walked thetalk. By his witness I beganto see he had something thatI needed. Early one morning,I stumbled into a prayermeeting in the shower roomof the barracks. It wasaround two a.m. A bunch ofguys were praying intheir underwear. It was therethat I accepted Jesus Christas my savior. Now there’s avisual for you. I was filled

with the Holy Spirit andshared Christ with everyone.A few months later mybrother, Bret, accepted theLord while I was home onleave just a few monthsbefore his death.

The Lord called me into theministry when I was twenty.God wanted my obedience, Iwanted to be in the spotlight.Needless to say, there wasa conflict. I still entertainedthoughts of cross-dressing.My silent struggle with thissin continued.

I met my future wife while Iwas stationed in Kingsville,Texas. She was a student atTexas A&I. We met through amutual friend while attending

a function of the BaptistStudent Union. I fell in lovewith her and married herwithout sharing my personalstruggle. I somehow thoughtgetting married would solvemy problem. It did not! Theopposite was true. I foughtthe temptation to dress inmy wife’s clothes. I managedto keep this secretfrom Beverly for the firsteleven years of our marriage.

After I told her of mystruggle, I became suicidal; Icame home from work oneday ready to end it all. Thisscared Beverly and she calleda therapist who wascounseling us at the time.

She told Beverly to get me inher office anyway she could.Beverly gave me permissionto dress up as a woman andshe drove me to thetherapist’s office. From thereI was admitted tothe hospital. This would bemy first trip of three to amental hospital.

Upon release from thehospital, this first trip, Icalled a crisis hot line in hopeof finding a support group.They told me about anorganization called Tri-Ess,the society for the second



self. They told me abouttheir group. It metWednesday nights, and wascalled Cross DressersAnonymous. This turned out

to be a support group thatencouraged cross-dressing.Beverly did not like the factthat I was interested inattending this group. Shegave me an ultimatum. If Iwanted to pursue this lifestyle then I had to leavethe house. I chose thelifestyle over my family.

I immersed myself intocross-dressing and left Godbehind. I was ready to giveup on God and my family.

I quickly put together a newwardrobe that most womenwould be envious of, and Ibegan to venture out tomalls, bars, and gay bars

dressed as a woman. Ibecame intoxicated with thislife. I was thrilled when menwould offer me drinks or holdthe door open for me. It wasexciting to go to the mall asa woman and not havingpeople give me a secondlook. Every now andthen someone would figure itout, and they would justsmile at me. I madefriends with other cross-dressers and we would goout together in Montrose, thegay section in Houston, for “girl’s night out.” The deeperI went into this lifestyle, the

more chances I would take. Iput myself in some verydangerous situations andcame very close to gettingbeat up. I thought this life

would make me happy.Instead I becamevery depressed. Each time Iacted out I would take it astep further to get that extrathrill which would alwaysleave me empty. Ientertained the thought,that maybe I was really awoman, that God made hadmistake. My life rapidlyfell apart.

I tried very hard to divorceBeverly. We were in and outof the divorce court seventimes, but she didn’t stoppraying for me. Throughthe proceedings my lawyerwanted me to see apsychologist. Her motivation

for me seeing this man wasnot to help me, but to be anadvocate to testify inmy divorce case. I went tohis office, and heimmediately sent me back tothe hospital. He saw howdepressed I was. This washow God lead me to theright path of recovery.

While in the hospital, thispsychologist wasn’t sointerested in my cross-dressing. He focused on mydepression and I attendedseveral group sessions. Irecall one young man who



was eighteen at the time. Heshared how his fathercommitted suicide when hewas seven years old. I wasthinking about suicide

myself. At this time it wasthe only way to escape thiswar I was fighting withmyself. This point I knewthat there had to be achange in my life. I began topray that God would deliverme from this life Iwas leading. Once I got outof the hospital after a two-week stay, I told Beverly thatI no longer wanted a divorceand I was going to work tomake some changes in mylife. I was able to get a parttime job at a Christian radiostation in Houston. It quicklybecame my church; themusic began speaking to myheart as I listened to thesongs, “When God Ran” by

Benny Hester. This is a songabout the Prodigal son whorealized that his father stillloved him. God still loved meno matter what I wasstruggling with.

God lead me back to church,I began to attend TheVineyard in Humble,Texas. They allowed me toplay on the worship team,but I never shared withanyone my struggle withcross-dressing. It was a slowprocess of recovery for me;God had bigger issues totake care of in my life. I

needed to learn how to bea father to my children and ahusband to my wife. At thatpoint, I left Tri-Ess, and Isaid goodbye to my friends in

the group. When I told one ofmy closest friends, Chris,that I was leaving the groupand throwing away all ofmy make up wigs and clothesaway for good, he told methat I would be back within amonth. I explained to himwhat God was doing in mylife and that I needed to be afather to my children that Idearly loved. He began tocry and he told me about adaughter that he hadn’t seensince she was a year old. Shewas five at the time living inCalifornia. I hugged him andtold him goodbye. I knewthat I was not strong enoughat that time to be withhim and not cross-dress. I

still pray for Chris I haven’tseen him since that day. Inever went back to Tri-Ess. Itwas time to put “Renee” todeath. God began teachingme what it’s really like to bea man. I would like totell you that God healed meright away, but God’s timewas different from mine. He

still had a lot of work for meto accomplish. God showedme how much faith I reallyhave in Him.

Beverly and I reunited andbegan working on ourmarriage. We moved



to Bastrop, Texas where wespent the next three years. Irarely spoke to Beverlyabout my struggle, and Inever would dare share with

anyone at church. I struggledwith the temptation to returnto the lifestyle, butGod would not let me go. Ofcourse His plan was to movemy family to New Hampshire,of all places. Beverly and Idid not know a soul there, allof our families and friendswere in Texas and Colorado.New Hampshire is where Godwas going to teach me howto be free in Him.

I was working at the airportfor one of the major airlines.Like all airports there is afood court that had arestaurant. There was ayoung man who workedthere who would came to

work as a woman. I hadplenty of opportunities tospeak to him, but I neverdid. In fact I went out of myway to avoid him. I wasafraid that my secret withSatan would be reviled tothe world. I was ashamed ofmy past, and I refused toshare the gospel withthis young man. I was one of “those who walked on theother side of the roadto avoid the wounded man.” Iwas playing church at thetime, not walking the talk.This went on for about twomonths. One day when I

came to work, I discoveredthat this young man hadcommitted suicide. My heartsank. I never said a word tothis young man who

struggled as I had. God hadgotten got my attention.

I was scheduled to go on ashort-term mission trip just afew weeks later and my co-workers had helped me raisethe funds to go on this trip.One of the first missionaries Imet in Brazil was Michael. Heand I instantly becamefriends. He was from GrandJunction, Colorado. I washurting so bad over theyoung man who killedhimself that I could stand itno longer, and I shared withMichael my struggle. Hedidn’t laugh at me or judgeme. He prayed with me andtold me that God could use

me for His Kingdom. It wasin Brazil where I finallyshared my testimony withothers. God had begun toset me free.

When I returned to NewHampshire, I shared with theleader of the men’s group atmy church what God wasdoing in my life. I told him Ineeded to share it with theother men of the group. Godwas faithful. He gave methe courage to be open andreal with this small group ofmen. In return, they did notreject me, but instead



embraced me withencouragement andsupport. To this day, theyremain faithful to me throughfriendship and prayers.

The Lord has brought Beverlyand me down this long path.I look back and not a daywent by that God wasn’tthere. Everyday I was lovedby Him. Today Beverly and Iare leading a small group inour church praying andhelping those who aresexually broken. God hadcalled me into the ministrywhen I was twenty. At forty-eight I am really beginning tounderstand that He wants mytotal obedience. This iswhere I have found myfreedom.


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Will you Trust Him?

By Kerry Potter

It was an early Springmorning as I sat on my frontporch watching the sunrise.I had not been able to sleepmuch the night before,thoughts of all the failuresthat comprised my life wereplaying over and over in mymind. I could feel hot tearsin my eyes as I rallied all thesincerity I could muster andthen I began to pray, “God,

please kill me – please

take me home, for Icannot bear to live

another day like this. If Ican never know the

overcoming life you talkabout in your word then

please just take me home,for it breaks my heart tosin against you and mywife this way. My soul is

like a heavily fortified city

– with no gates! There isnothing to prevent thesedark thoughts from

entering my mind and

heart. They wear medown – and wear me

down, until I finallysuccumb; no matter how

hard I try to fight them – they inevitably win.

Where is the victory youpromise in your word?

Why do you not takethese desires from my

heart? I want to serveyou as the man you have

created me to be – but the“mistress” of my heart

demands all of me and I

cannot shut her out of mymind. PLEASE LORD, JUSTKILL ME!”

As I look back now I realizehow selfish that prayer reallywas, but I also understandthe state of desperation Iwas in when I prayed it. Forforty years there had been abattle raging in my mindconcerning my transgenderfeelings and on that morning









I knew I had to make achoice; do I give in to thedesires of my heart andfinally find some peace, or doI believe God and His word?

Deuteronomy 22:5

“A women must not wearmen’s clothing, and a man

must not wear women’sclothing. The Lord your

God detests people whodo this.”

For as long as I canremember I knew there wassomething wrong with me; Ican remember looking atmyself in the mirror andtelling myself, “I hate you”. Iremember the first day I firstdressed up in my mother’sclothes and looking in thatsame mirror; how truly “right” it looked and felt. I

remember how deeply Ibelieved I really was a “female spirit” trapped insidea male body.

But I can also remember howmy crossdressing cost me myfirst marriage, and how itcost me my relationship withmy three children and here itwas now threatening mycurrent marriage. Itdemanded all my time andmy money – it wasdemanding the rest of mylife. I knew I had to dosomething, but what? Todeny my feelings only

seemed to make me moremiserable, but to lose mycurrent wife and destroy allmy other relationships withfamily and friends – it was an

impossible choice. I did notknow what to do – I felt sohelpless.

A couple of weeks later Iconfided my situation to adear friend and with the HolySpirit’s help and lot’s ofprayer, he and another friendbegan to gently instruct meabout the truth of mysituation. They led me toPsalms 139:13-16,

“You made all the delicate

inner parts of my bodyand knit me together in

my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making meso complex! Your

workmanship is

marvelous – and how wellI know it. You watchedme as I was being formed

in utter seclusion, as Iwas woven together in

the dark of the womb.You saw me before I was

born. Every day of my lifewas recorded in your

book. Every moment waslaid out before a single

day had passed.”

According to God’s word Iwas not a mistake! Theyalso shared Proverbs 14:12,

“There is a path before



each person that seems

right, but it ends indeath.”

So much for relying on my

feelings! Then came Romans9:20,

“Who are you, a merehuman being, to criticize

God? Should the thingthat was made say to the

one who made it, “Whyhave you made me like

this?”

This was a hard truth, butthe reality was that I was nota “female spirit” trappedinside a man’s body; I was aconfused man trapped in thesins of idolatry and lust! Mydressing in women’s clotheswas only the evidence of amuch deeper and moreserious spiritual problem. By

claiming that God had madea mistake and placed my “female” spirit in a male bodyI was actually saying thatGod was either an incrediblysadistic God or uncaring andimperfect one. Who in theirright mind would want toserve or worship a God likethat? By my thoughts andactions I was declaringmyself to be God, and my “feelings” had became mystandard of truth. Is that notthe classic definition of afallen man? I set myself upas God and then blamed Himfor all the parts of my life

that were out of control.

Colossians 3:5,6 says this,

“So put to death the

sinful, earthy thingslurking within you. Have

nothing to do with sexual

sin, impurity, lust andshameful desires. Don’t

be greedy for the goodthings of this life, for that

is idolatry. God’s terribleanger will come upon

those who do suchthings.”

I had to face the reality thatmy problems were not asspecial or unusual as Ithought they were, no matterhow much I may have feltthat no one could possiblyunderstand what I was goingthrough, the reality was Iwas just a common sinner

like everybody else.

Even though I had receivedthese truth’s into my heart,they had not fully workedthemselves out in my lifeyet; from time to time Iwould still find myselfdressing-up in female clothesand then purging them. Buteven thought I would fallfrom time to time I knewGod had not given up onme. There was so much “junk” to be dealt with in myheart by the Holy Spirit. Ihad self-image issues, I hadpride issues, I had trust



issues. I had so many issuesand so many hurts in somany places in my heart Icould not understand howGod, or my wife, or anyone

else could even like me – letalone love me.

But the truth is God and mybeautiful wife do love me – they love the real me, thescared and broken me – theme that all to often shattersand breaks. God has alsolead me to other men who,empowered by Christ’s love,were walking the same roadas I and overcoming theirsexual addictions as well.Through the study of God’sword I gained a new senseof self-worth; I startedseeing myself as He saw me.Even though change was notcoming on my timetable – itwas still coming. The Holy

Spirit was busy untanglingand removing the lies thathad been implanted sodeeply in my heart and Hewas teaching me what it wasto be a man – and a child ofGod.

One day as I was reading mybible the Lord asked me aquestion, he asked, “My

son, what do you reallywant?” After thinking aboutit I replied, “I want to learnwhat it is to overcome, Iwant to be done with thiscycle of sin in my life, Iwant to live in the freedom,

holiness and the power youpromised me in thescriptures. But most of all Ireally want to know you.”

Then the Holy Spirit then ledme to Matthew 16:24,25,

“Then Jesus said to hisdisciples, “If any of you

wants to be my follower,you must put aside your

selfish ambition, shoulderyour cross, and follow

me. If you try to keepyour life for yourself, youwill lose it. But if you giveup your life for me, you

will find true life.”

Then the Lord said to myspirit, “You fail because youare fighting in your ownstrength, and you surrenderto your fleshly desiresinstead of surrendering fully

to me. If you would fullysurrender to me you wouldfind the battle is alreadywon, but if you hold on tothese things you will continueto fail – and eventually youwill fall. Do you really

want to be my disciple?

Will you trust me?”

Romans 6:3-7 “Have youforgotten that when you

became Christians andwere baptized to becomeone with Christ Jesus, wedied with him? For we

died and were buried withChrist by baptism. And



just as Christ has been

raised from the dead bythe glorious power of the

Father, now we have newlives. Since we have been

united with him in hisdeath, we also will be

raised as he was. Our oldsinful selves werecrucified with Christ sothat sin might lose its

power in our lives. We

are no longer slaves tosin. For when we diedwith Christ we were set

free from the power of

sin.”

Galatians 5:24 “Those whobelong to Christ Jesus

have nailed the passionsand desires of their sinful

nature to the cross andcrucified them there.”

So, I obeyed the Lord, it was

scary at first, but I finallyinvited Jesus to be Lord of all my heart. I would like to sayI surrendered all the “junk”in my heart to Him that day,but in reality it took time. Tosurrender to the Lord and tolive by faith is the easiest,yet hardest, thing I haveever done. It was easybecause, I knew down in myheart, that I could trust Himand it was hard because it isdifficult sometimes to let goof the things we know andhave become comfortablewith. But the end result isthat the old desire’s are

finally being crucified and intheir place is a knowledge ofthe faithfulness of my SaviorJesus and a peace beyondunderstanding.

Yes, I know there will besome who will read this andsay, it is not possible to walkfree or to be happy denyingoneself. Others will try to justify themselves by playingword games and saying I’vesomehow misrepresented thetruth of scripture. Others willtry to justify themselves bysaying that I was obviouslynever really transgender atall and therefore could notpossible understand thecomplexities of what I am istalking about. But in the endit doesn’t matter whatanyone else says, because

here I am – a living epistleand witness to the power of

the Cross of Christ, of God’splan of redemption and Hisunending love for a lost andbroken man. What He hasdone for me is not unique – and the best news is that it isavailable to all who willsimply ask. Do you think it isimpossible to be set freefrom the desires of yoursinful nature? Do you thinkthere is a human soul that istoo lost to be saved? To me,Jesus has answered thesequestions and He has morethan proved himself faithfuland true; but these questionsare not for me, they are for



you. Will you trust him? Willyou walk with Him upon thenarrow path?

Matthew 7:13,14 “You can

enter God’s Kingdom onlythrough the narrow gate.

The highway to hell isbroad, and it’s gate is

wide for the many thatchoose it’s easy way. But

the gateway to life is

small, and the road isnarrow, and only a few

ever find it.”

All Bible versus quoted fromthe New Living Translation.


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Incomprehensible Love

THE OVERWHELMED AND

INCOMPREHENSIBLELOVE

Ephesians 3: 19. Romans

8:38-39

One day a close friend ofmine motivated me to writethis. During the past 20years I learned and how getto know Him and learn what

HE pleases HIM .

I failed my friend so manytimes ( yes many ) BUT Healways waited for mepatiently and smile at me.Psalm 40:1-2

He never forsake me andnever condemned me.Deuteronomy 31:8

He never left me alone and

never made me feel ashamedof my sins.

He encouraged ME to keeptrying to find answers andmostly heal my soul.

Hebrews 13:6

He extended His hand to memany times and helped ME tostand up , then HE whisperat my ear and said , DONT

FIGHT THE FIGHT ALONE

BECAUSE YOU WILL

LOOSE , BUT WITH ME

YOU WILL OVERCOME ,Romans 8:37

When “Shame and Unworthy

“visited me many times inmy difficult season,,…He saidto me in church and duringSupper time, , “ YOU AREALWAYS WELCOME TO SITDOWN WITH ME AT MYTABLE …… I AM WAITINGFOR YOU”. Revelation 3:20

In my most lonely time, Hewhispered in my hears ‘ I AMNOT GIVING UP ON YOU”

Many times HE VISITED meand INVITED me to be withHIM in WORSHIP.

One day I was walking in my







home then HE suddenlywhisper my ear and said tome , “‘I want you to be withme in Worship tonight , andby the way I AM going to be

with you for a while…….Hepaused then he smile at meand the said , … what aboutto spend eternity with ME?

HIS NAME IS JESUS AND

HE IS MY BEST FRIEND IN

LIFE.

Closing Notes.

These words reflect myexperience and my walk with

Jesus in the past 20 years.He is always the same and

HE never expects anythingback.

He wants our honest heartmostly being humble to HIM .

There is nothing that exalts

and pleases Him when wespent time with HIM andmostly worship HIM.

I don’t know where you arein your journey in life BUT I

just want to encourage youto stop for a moment and

think about on HOW MUCHYOU KNOW HIM?

With love to my partners ,brothers and sisters in lifeand for the Kingdom

Karl


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knowing God. We capturetheir rebellious thoughts and

teach them to obeyChrist.” 2 Corinthians10:3-5 (NLT )

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Why Are You and I Here?

As a child I simply could notunderstand why there wasnot a church equipped or asupport group available for

my family. Through a child'seye you view problemssimply, such as...Why can wenot talk to our priest?...Whyis no one able to help us?Another question was...Whyis there no one to extendthemselves to help us?


http://pfox.org/My-Father-Transgender.html

My Father Was aTransgender

by Denise Shick

What was your biggestconcern when you were nineyears old? Was it trying to

memorize your multiplicationfacts? Was it that the schoolcafeteria might serve yourleast favorite vegetable atlunch? Perhaps it wassomething more serious;perhaps your parents weretalking of getting divorced.My biggest concern at agenine was how to keep mydaddy’s secret, the one herevealed to me as we satalone on the hill near ourhome. My dad wanted to bea woman, and along withthat revelation he includedseveral sordid sexual details.

His confession left meconfused and hurt. I desiredto have a dad who would

love and cherish me—whowould make me feel special.I wanted to try to “fix” himso he’d be the kind of dadany normal nine-year-oldwould want. But I couldn’t fixhim. And, as I soon learned,he didn’t want to change. Bythe age of eleven, I hadexperienced emotional andsexual abuse by my dad. I

continued to keep my dad’ssecret and mine locked awaydeep down in my heart.

I began to reason that mydad’s apparent lack of lovefor me meant I wasn’t really















his daughter: he and mymom must have adopted me.Often, when I was homealone, I’d scour the house—even the attic—for paperwork

that would confirm mysuspicions. But my searcheswere fruitless.

My teenage years revolved indrowning myself with bottlesof wine as I began to look fora father’s love elsewhere,each time coming out withemptiness my heart. Timepassed by and I had become15 years old. By this point Ihad struggled with my ownsexuality and my gender. Ihad begun to seriouslyconsider taking drugs, butGod had another plan. Godhad sent a friend namedMark into my life. Markshowed me respect andalways presented a genuine

caring heart. During ourdating years, he could notunderstand my cold shoulderattitude towards my dad.One day after a date, Markparked the jeep in the schoolparking lot and said “I amnot going to take no for ananswer this time, I want toknow why you dislike yourdad so much”. So I spilledthe beans, and guess what?He did not run the other way.Instead he listened andheard every word and feelingthat I expressed.

Soon after that Mark

presented me with a Bible,my very first Bible. Ihungered for the words of itscontents. Every free momentI had, I was reading the Bible

and devouring its everyword. I knew I believed inGod, but did I have apersonal relationship withChrist? No, not really. It wasthrough the time of studyingthe Bible that I knew theLord was calling me to repentof my own sins and to be His.I asked the Lord to be mypersonal Savior. Yet my journey with my dad still hadto unfold.

I was twenty-seven years oldand married to Mark whenmy dad left his family topursue what he thoughtwould bring him his long-awaited dream life. I thoughtabout him every

Thanksgiving, Christmas, andEaster celebration. Mybirthday was on my parents’anniversary, so I didn’t careto celebrate much. Iremember hoping that mymother would forget mybirthday and be spared somepain.

Thirteen years later, I was

informed that my dad wasdying from cancer. When Ifound out that he was tryingto reach out to his family, Iwas upset with him. Who didhe think he was, deserting usand then looking to us for



love and comfort? It hurtknowing that my dream ofmy dad coming back into ourfamily as a husband, dad,and grandfather was about to

die. I grieved many timesbecause of the choice hemade of choosing hisweakness over his family. Mydad was not interested inseeking help or therapy forhis gender and sexualconfusion.

I visited my dad often whilehe was in the hospital duringhis last months. Seeing himin a lady’s nightgown andslippers was difficult, as wasseeing all the teddy bears inhis room. I was shocked as Iwatched him remove hiswoman’s underclothing. Thenurses called Dad “her,” “she,” or by his chosenname: “Becky” And when

they did, I corrected them. Isaid “him,” “he,” or “my dad.”I looked at my dad withsorrow because of what thechoices he had made haddone to him.

Throughout the lost years,while he pursued his elusivehappiness, he took hormonesto grow breasts, and lived as

a woman. If you had walkedpast him on the street or in amall, you would not haverecognized him as a man.

My dad’s final days at thehospital created many

memories. I was able to holdhis hand and kiss him on theforehead, and gradually, byGod’s grace, my angerturned to sympathy and love

for him. During this time Iwas able to forgive him forthe pain that his choicesinflicted upon both him andour family.

I was not surprised to learnafter his passing that he hadbeen in a homosexualrelationship. I rememberedthe way he had looked at myboyfriends. As a child,however, I chose to ignorethe truth.

I knew his life was filled withpain, and with little, if any,happiness. The very real painand confusion that is uponpeople who struggle with GIDis difficult. The pain that the

families deal with can seemunbearable as well.Not everyone applauds at theend of the TV talk shows.Some of us cry and mournover the loss of our lovedone. We mourn their lossesas well.

God had a lot of work to dowithin my heart and soul. I

never thought it would bepossible to get beyond theanguish I felt and thedisappointment I had withmy father. My heart washardened through manyyears of harboring anger and



me, the way he would stareat me and the personalinformation that he sharedwith me. I looked manytimes for the adoption papers

that never existed.

My mother was in thehospital for periods of time. Iremember my dad taken careof the house and mybrothers, sister and I. Theone time that really hadimpressed upon me waswhen he took the clothes inthe living room to fold. Tosee the enjoyment thatseemed to come over himwas confusing. He was in hisown world during this periodof time. I rememberobserving him and thinkingto myself that this picturewas not right. It was odd tosee him enjoying the role ofa mother. During this time

his mannerisms were just asa real woman's. I could notunderstand what made himlike this.

I felt like no matter howmuch I tried to love him, begood or be as understandingas a child can be I could notfix him. Unlike HumptyDumpty who sat on the wall,fell off the wall and brokeinto pieces and then be putback together again. I feltguilty that there was nothingI could do to fix my dad. Iwanted to fix him, to makehim better and happy.

I would blame myself for hisbehavior, I thought maybe Ihad hurt him in some waythat helped to cause this.Maybe I was a bad child in

his eyes, maybe I was adisappointment to him as adaughter or I didn't love himenough. Why is he really likethis? Boy did I ask myselfthat question a lot growingup.

In a child's eyes there is a lotof confusion and frustrationliving under thesecircumstances. You arewatching something thatdoes not seem to be thenatural normal behavior for afather. I would watch forsigns that would give me theclue that he was mentallyfeeling like a woman. I wouldbe able to tell if his legs werecrossed over ( That clue he

gave me himself).

He said "If you see me sittingwith my legs crossed overlike women cross their legsyou'll know I'm feeling thisway. I would watch him atwork file his nails at his desksitting sideways being in hiswon world. I knew what hewas thinking because I knewmy dad. I just had hoped noone else in the office knew orsuspected. If his bedroomdoor was shut for a longperiods of time I wouldwonder if he was dressingup. As I look back today and



realize the hundred's of timesthat I passed his bedroomdoor suspecting, but notreally wanting to know whatwas going on behind closed

doors.

I looked else where for whata father figure was. I felt likemy dad could not provide afather daughter relationship.I had an uncle who was greatand taught me what a fathershould be like. He not onlyloved his daughters, they hada real father daughterrelationship with each other.

They could also becomfortable being girlsaround their dad. I wasenvious of my cousins tohave this type of dad. Iwould observe friendshouseholds to see how thefather figure worked in their

lives. Knowing my dad'sdesires made me feeluncomfortable being a girl. Ifeared anyone finding out mysecret. I really regret notbeing comfortable growingup being a girl and my dad. Ifelt guilty and dirty aboutbeing a girl.

I was 27 years old when mydad left his family to pursuewhat he thought would bringhim his long awaited dreamlife. During the period ofyears he was gone Iwondered about him everyThanksgiving, Christmas and

Easter. My birthday was myparent's weddinganniversary, so my birthdaywas nothing that I liked tocelebrate. I always hoped my

mother would forget mybirthday, I thought this wouldsave her some pain.

Thirteen years went by. Myfather was dying of stomachcancer. When I had heardthat he wanted us to knowhe was ill and trying to reachout to us I was angry withhim. I thought he had noright to come to us forsupport or love after hedeserted us for his new life ofa transsexual. Who did hethink he was? Then I cried.

I cried knowing that mydream of my dad comingback into our family as ahusband, dad and

grandfather was about to die.I was losing my dad and mydream that I waited for upuntil this time to come true. Iwanted to tell him "How dareyou come to us now that youare in need". When we werein need you weren't around.You were not here living withthe embarrassment, theshame you left us in. Youwere not here to help yourfamily through the lastthirteen years.

I visited my dad often oncehospitalized during his lastmonths of life. It was



difficult. I'd seen my dad in aladies nightgown, slippersand teddy bears in the room.The nurses would call him"her", "she" or Becky. I

would reply at them "him",he" or "my dad".

The one memory I have thatI felt so sad about waswatching him take his bra off.You are never prepared tosee your dad take his bra off.I looked at him with sorrowwith what the choices haddone to him. There may bethe sad memories of him atthe hospital, but also therewere some good. I was ableto hold my "dad's” hand, kiss"him" on the forehead andinstead of anger, sympathizefor the life he led.

I was able to forgive himbefore he passed away with

stomach cancer. To forgivehim of the pain that hischoice's cost him and us. Ilook at him now as a manthat lived in pain with little ifany happiness. Through theyears lost while he tried topursue his so calledhappiness. He was onhormones, he had breastsand lived the life as awoman. He was living the lifeof a transsexual now. If youwalked past him on thestreet or in a mall you wouldnot known this was a man. Itsaddened my heart to seewhere his choices lead him.

The way he lived grieved myheart for him. I was alsoangry and hurt that he chosehis weakness over his familyand did not try to seek

therapy for his sexualdisorientation. I had alwayshoped inside that he wouldreturn to us as husband,father and grandfather. Hewas after all still my father.

I learned after his passingthat he was in a homosexualrelationship. This wasanother dilemma to dealwith. Even though he hadpassed on it seemed likeanother chapter of his lifewas revealed to me. I hadquestioned this to myselfgrowing up. Never tellinganyone of my thoughts. Nowthe truth was there on penand paper.

I know I never wanted toknow the truth. When Iwondered if he was gay orattracted to men I wouldrefuse to go into deepthought about it. It did makesense why he acted almostout of jealously when Istarted to date. As though hewished it were he going thedate or going to the prom.Now I had the answer to hisactions towards myboyfriends.

I also now have moreanswers of my dad's rootproblem that had helped



cause his choice in life. Withthat there is peace. Thereare unanswered questionsnow with answers. I meetpeople like my father, I pray

for people like my father. Imeet and pray for familymembers going through thissituation. They are not alone.

There are many of us goingthough this situation. Thereare many of us out there.Don't think the GenderIdentify Disorder does notexist or hurt people. Don'tthink this issue is nottouching your world or won'ttouch your world. It is here. Iam living proof of what it islike living with someone whowas hurting deep inside withthe Gender Identity Disorder.

I have shared with you whatif feels like, really feels like

living someone who trulybelieved he was in the wrongbody. Not everyone isapplauding at the end of theshow as we witness on theTV talk shows on the topic soDON'T BE FOOLED!

Many years have passedsince the Sunday my dadrevealed to me the truthabout himself. I am now 41and a long ways from beingthat 10 year old child. I hadhoped through life thatsomeday I would be able tohelp others with what I havelived through. I no longer

want to keep it a secret. If Iwould keep it a secret, itwould help no one. I have joined a transgender ministrywith former transgender

Jerry Leach called RealityResources.

I have a separate e-mail [email protected] . The service I amproviding is to connect withothers who feel they arealone or have a need toconnect with someone whohas "been there". I am thereto support them withprayers, personal supportand to make them aware ofthe ministries, books andweb pages available to them.

I am hoping to take this astep more forward. I amplanning on being involved toequip the churches to enable

them to minister to peoplewho suffer from GenderIdentify Disorder and theirfamily members. Also, if Ifind a need in my communityor nearby I wish to start afamily support group.

I found a letter from my dadafter he passed away. Hiswords read "Don't throw meaway". I believe in my heartI am involved in this out ofrespect and love from thosewords that my dad wrote.

"Cindy"




ge_id=847

The heart of a Sister

First and foremost, we wantto say we love you. But thereare some things we need todiscuss with you. We haveprayed countlessly for theright words to say to you.Please know that everythingsaid comes from the mostsincere, loving part of ourhearts. We just need to behonest with you, like youhave been honest with us.We understand that you willnot like or agree witheverything we are writing just as we do not agree witheverything you say or tell us.

But we hope you can listenlike we have listened. We aretruly trying to walk this roadwith you the best we can. Welove you no matter what, nomatter if we agree.

As your sister, I feel like youare moving in leaps andbounds towards your goal.And I honestly cannot keepup. I often wonder if yourealize how hard this is forme. I lay in bed at nightunable to sleep, wondering ifI am doing or saying theright thing. I pray for you, Icry, I get angry, hurt and

frustrated. Please do notmisunderstand, I am nottrying to make this aboutme, its not. My life is notabout me, it’s about what

God wants and asks me todo. My goal is to live for Himand Him alone. I just needyou to know that I strugglelike any other human. I knowI often try to hide it whenyou are around and try to puta smile on my face. So Ibelieve its my fault for notbeing completely honest withyou, causing you to think Iwant or can handle things I just can’t (like seeing youdressed transgender rightnow). I know you may beready for all this change but Iam not, and I just might notbe able to keep up. I needtime, and I understand youmay not want or feel like youhave time, you are doing

what you want, and that isyour choice. Pleaseunderstand that there are just some things I will needto move forward at my ownpace with, not yours. It doesnot mean I do not love you, Ilove you more than I couldever say. Which in part, iswhy this is so difficult. I am

trying to figure out how tobest love you and be therefor you while being anexample of God’s love foryou. Cause not matter howmuch I believe I love you, Iknow He loves you evenmore. But please be patient,








I am trying to figure this outas I go and just as I will notask you to slow down for me,please do not ask me tospeed up for you, I just

can’t.

We also need to talk abouthow this affects our kids andhow we, my husband and Iplan to approach it withthem. This is not somethingwe want you to discuss withthem. Sorry. This will besomething you and I do notsee eye to eye on, honestlythe topic transgender issomething we probably donot see eye to eye on.Therefore when we discuss itwith the kids, it is a biblicallybased conversation. We areraising them up according tothe bible, and what the bibleteaches. We know our viewsof the bible and yours of the

bible will be different, but weare firm in what we believe,no one else’s opinion willsway us. Though, we are alsoteaching them theunconditional love of Christ.Our home is an extension ofour church, and we loveeveryone, even is we don’tagree with them or whatthey are doing. God loveseach of us in our familydespite our sin, and Heshows us grace and mercyeveryday, therefore we are toshow that same grace andmercy to others, in all walksof life. Like I have told you

before, I have many closefriends, and that wedefinitely do not agree withmajor views and core valuesin each others lives, but we

love each other despite anydifferences,that isunconditional love. I do notfeel the need to surroundmyself with only people whoagree with me. That’s justnot reality. But I do need thepeople in my life to respectthat we have differences, andknow our boundaries. Justlike you wouldn’t want tobring a friend to our houseand have us shove the bibledown their throats, wecannot have you come intoour house and tell our kidssomething opposite fromwhat we believe.

We will never turn you away,no matter the choices you

make, whether we agree withthem or not, we will LOVEyou.

Laura


The Late Great Mr. Me

I lay here in the darknessconsidering my options, do Ifollow what I know is thetruth or do I follow thelongings deep inside me. Ithought the argument in thecore of my heart was settled








long ago – yet, here I amagain in the valley of “indecision”. Am I the manthat my body testifies that Iam, or am I the woman that

my mind and heart have foryears longed and cried outthat I am.

Lord, so many times youhave protected me and savedme from myself. You haveshown me that pursuingtransition would cost me somuch more than just timeand money. That it wouldcost me more than the painof broken relationships withpeople I dearly love. It wouldeven cost more than my life– it would cost my immortalsoul.

“What does it profit a man —” Mark 8:36. I hear mySavior’s words reverberating

deep within in me. Iunderstand the cost Hedemands for discipleship withhim. I long to obey him andpay that cost with all myheart, yet I still find rebelliondeep down in the core of myheart. An unreasonable fearagain grips at my heart — fear of really dying to Mr. Me,of dying to my hopes anddreams. Dare I even saydying to my all my copingsystems and my lusts.

The simple truth is I still findthat I just don’t trust him tobe there to pick up the pieces

when life becomes more thanI can cope with. I haveexperienced so much painand loss in my life. Wherewas He when I needed Him

so? I just want to be happy – is that such an unreasonablerequest? Is it wrong to longto be an integrated humanbeing, to be able to look atoneself in the mirror and seethe person that you believeyou really are? Is it wrong tobe comfortable in your ownskin and finally be at peacewith your image of yourself.

The simple answer is – yes, itis wrong – especially if thosebeliefs are built upon half-truths and lies. I know this isthe truth, yet this very truthseems strangely distant as Ilay here in the darkcontemplating which way toturn. Then I hear your Spirit

ask me, “Is your life morevaluable than the life I laiddown for you? Is yourhappiness more importantthan my plan for your life? Isyour “suffering” as a manreally greater than thesuffering I endured for you?”My eyes open and my spiritcries out within me – “myGod, am I really thatselfish?” Painfully, the realityof that answer strips myheart naked before God allover again – His piercingtruth has left me with noexcuses! The Holy Spirit hasonce again revealed Mr. Me



for who and what he truly is– and sanity has beenrestored.

I realize that there can be no

resolution of the confusionand pain inside my heart aslong as Mr. Me is allowed tosurvive and demandsovereignty over any part ofmy life. There is no good inhim at all, he is simply aselfish demi-god that canonly bring destruction andpain to all he touches. Hemust be dealt a fatal blow bythe word and Spirit of God – I must of my own free willnail him daily to the cross.

Lord Jesus you have savedme from myself again. Byfaith I give you this “illuminated” part of my lifetoday – thank you for notgiving up on me when the

extreme selfishness of myheart is once again revealedfor what it is. Through thepower of your Grace, one dayat a time, I will continue tolive by faith until Mr. Me isfinally no more – and onlythe light of your preciousSpirit remains in my heart.


Cross-dressing andChristianity: A REAL Man’s

Struggle

by Randall Wayne

This page is for Christianmen and their families to getanother perspective on theissue of cross-dressing. Ifyou are not a Christian, this

page will probably not makemuch sense and could betaken to be offensive,although that is not my heartin writing this. If you are aChristian man looking foranswers in how to deal withcross-dressing, or aconcerned spouse or familymember of a male to femalecross-dresser, I invite you toread further and keep anopen mind. So, you havebeen warned.——————————————————————————–

There are some in theChristian faith who do notunderstand cross-dressingand will condemn you. I

know where you are comingfrom and do not condemnyou. I am not a therapist orcounselor, but I have “beenin your heels”, so to speak. Iam now an ex-cross-dresser(heterosexual M to F) by thegrace and healing of JesusChrist.

My desire is to offer hope tothose who are conflicted bycross-dressing and theirspiritual beliefs. I am reallynot looking to debate, but ifyou or a loved one wantsfreedom from cross-dressing,you might find hope in my








story. Feel free to email meif I can help you:rwayne2000 [at] gmail.com.

A Really Short Background In

or about October of 1996 Iexperienced an onslaught oftemptation and spiritualwarfare in the area of cross-dressing. This strong desireto dress in women’s clotheswas totally out of the blue,although it was somethingthat I had experienced beforein my life. At times, thetemptation was so strongthat it was all I could thinkabout. As a result, I couldnot focus on the normalactivities of life. Fortunately,I found help and hope. TodayI can truly say after over 30years of dealing with this, “Thank God I’m free!”

I was an only child, so the

closest thing to siblings I hadto play with were my girlcousins who were close tomy age. Of course, playingwith girls meant playing girlgames, like playing houseand dress up. So, the overalleffect was that I was raisedin a feminized environmentwhere the female role wasdominant and the male rolewas passive. In my innerbeing, I found the femininerole attractive, but modeledafter the passive male image.

One of my earliestremembrances was when I

was about five or six and mymother would have me try onclothes she was sewing formy girl cousins to hem theskirts and make other

alterations. As I grew olderand into adolescence, I had astrong desire to try onfemale clothes. I rememberfinding discarded dresses,wigs, earrings, etc. andtrying them on and feeling anerotic excitement. I formed astrong association at thattime between wearing femaleclothing and sexual release.Later in life in times ofstress, I would retreat to thatsame activity to feel relief.This was my secret worldwhere I could fantasize aboutbeing beautiful and soft.

On the outside, in manyother ways I was a typicalboy. I was active in Boy

Scouts, worked on cars, likedto go target shooting, andwas not feminine at all – just “a nice guy.”

Marriage Years In college, Imet and married a wonderfulgirl to whom I am stillmarried. In the early years ofour marriage, my cross-dressing desires were onlyoccasional. I never told mywife of my urge to cross-dress because I was in astate of denial. I really didn’tsee cross-dressing as a badthing, just an odd thing.



After we had been marriedfor a few years and had bothof our boys, the pressures ofwork and family seemed toincrease my desire to cross-

dress. I would look for anyoccasion to cross-dress,especially Halloween. Onunexpected opportunitycame at a church banquetwhere one of the ladies ofthe church asked me if Iwould dress up as DollyParton. This was a real treatbecause not only could Icross-dress, but I could do itright at church! During theseyears, I would feel guilt,confess the cross-dressing assin, but eventually do itagain. I never really admittedto myself I was a cross-dresser.

A strange irony is that mywife is a Mary Kay cosmetics

consultant, with a wholecloset full of make-upinventory right in my studyat home. I guess you mightsay I was not really a hard-core case because I nevertook anything from herinventory, but I sure wastempted at times!

Even though cross-dressingwas a source of release, itwas also a cycle of guilt andshame. Every time I woulddo it, I would feel shame.The shame would cause meto feel even worse aboutmyself than I did before and

I would be tempted to cross-dress again to relieve thatshame and so on.

Eventually, I got to the point

where I just decided to “white knuckle” it and quitcross-dressing. Whenever atemptation would comealong, I would just ignore it.I really didn’t give a thoughtto cross-dressing for two orthree years. I managed tototally repress any feelings orthoughts about cross-dressing. Then, the Lordengineered what I believe tobe an incredible set ofcircumstances.

The Spiritual Warfare Wewere happy in our church atthe time, but on the day ofour 19th weddinganniversary, the Lordimpressed both my wife and

I that we should move on. “But to where?” wewondered. We decided tovisit a new church muchcloser to home and we wereso led by the Lord that we joined. One of the firstsermon series was titled “Everyday Victory forEveryday People.” This studyin spiritual warfare wouldprove to be life changing.

After going through thestudy, my wife approachedme one day and said that shefelt a need to confess astronghold in her life so that



she might be delivered. Ialready knew about herstronghold, and I said, “Well,since you confessed yours,let me confess mine.” In the

previous days, I had startedto experience some of the oldtemptations of cross-dressing. I said, “You know Istruggle with smoking, but Ialso have another problemthat I have struggled with allmy life.” At that time I toldmy wife that I had strongurges to wear women’sclothes. I was also quick tosay that I was not asking forher acceptance or permissionof any cross-dressing. I alsoexplained that the battle atthat point was mainly in mymind and that I had neverbeen unfaithful to her. Shehandled my confession verywell and said she would praywith me about how to deal

with this problem.

I decided that I needed moreinformation about cross-dressing, so I logged on tothe Internet and starteddoing searches on “cross-dressing” and “Christian.”This proved to be a mistake.I learned everything theworld had to say on the topicand I learned what thearguments that otherChristians had constructed to justify the behavior. At thispoint, I became veryconfused and deceived. I sawso many images of guys like

me transformed intobeautiful women, that I wasreally tempted to seek out amakeover for myself.

It was at this point that thetemptations and thoughtswere almost constant. I washaving dreams about beingdressed as a beautifulwoman and those dreamswould set me up for the restof the day thinking aboutsuch things. It was hard forme to work or do anythingelse with these thoughtsconstantly bombarding me. Iwould even fantasize that mywife would go along with andaccept my behavior. I wastruly deceived. I was trulystaring to get concerned thatI might start acting out mytemptations in public.

I was typical of many male to

female cross-dressers in thatin all other areas of life, Iwas masculine in appearanceand actions. I also hadabsolutely no desire forrelations with other males, sohomosexuality was not partof my problem.

It was at this point that Irealized I had a clear-cutdecision: either choose theways of the world or followafter God. I loved the Lordmore than I loved the urge tocross-dress, so I made adecision to get Christian-based help.



Coming Into the Light As Ishared this with my wife, shesuggested that I getChristian counseling. Almostevery resource I found said

that cross-dressing could notbe cured. Even many of theChristians who hadtestimonies on the Internettold of how they knew that itwas all right to cross-dress – to them it was not a sin, butsomething fun to do. Theonly resource I could find onthe Internet that dealt withcross-dressing as a sin wasFirst Stone Ministries. I wasglad to learn they were in myhome city.

The first person I spoke withwas Stephen Black. Stephenwas the first person to sitdown with me and show meRomans 1:18-32. Although Iconsidered myself a mature

Christian and student of theBible, this passage took on awhole new meaning to me.For the first time in thisentire episode, I saw that Ihad been deceived by “thelie” of the enemy. Stephenassured me that Jesus wasnot a cross-dresser and thatif Jesus is our model, thenwe should pattern our livesafter Him.

After my initial visit withStephen, I started meetingon a monthly basis with afemale counselor – KimGately. Before I started

meeting with her, I did notknow whether it was best forme to meet with a male orfemale counselor. As it turnsout, I feel that she was the

perfect person to counselme. I really needed thefemale perspective on myproblem and also on myrelationship with my wife. Averse that she shared withme that really helped duringtimes of temptation wasRomans 6:21 – 22,

“What benefit did you reap atthat time from the things youare now ashamed of? Thosethings result in death! Butnow you have been set freefrom sin and have becomeslaves to God, the benefityou reap leads to holiness,and the result is eternal life.”

Whenever temptation would

come, I would remember thisverse and it helped me toask, “Is this going to benefitme?” The answer was always “no,” so instead of simplyignoring the temptation, Idealt with it in a rational way.

Around Christmas time, Imade a special trip to myparent’s house to talk withthem. Although I didn’t sharespecifics about my problem, Idid ask many questionsabout my upbringing. Idiscovered some things and Ialso learned that someevents which were significant



in my memory, were notremembered by them at all.One of the significant thingsthat happened was hearingmy parents say that they

never expected me to beperfect. I think that growingup I has felt a perceived (byme) expectation to always bea good boy, never to get intotrouble, always make goodgrades, etc. As a result,there was something in methat wanted to rebel againstthat expectation, but I neverdid rebel openly – just in myprivate world.

It took about two monthsbefore the voices in my headstarted to die down. Onenight when I was on abusiness trip, I had onethought too many and gotangry enough with theenemy that I resolved to get

rid of this thing one and forall. I knew that I was weak,but the Lord is strong. Underthe authority of Jesus, I gavethe enemy and his demonstheir marching orders back toHELL.

Soon, I started seeing thingsmuch more clearly. I alsowas able to bring things outinto the light with family,which really helped. Themore I talked about this withmy wife, the moredeliverance I received.

A major resource that helped

me during this initial time ofcoming into the light was T.D.Jakes’ book Loose That Manand Let Him Go. I found it tobe an excellent book in

helping me to learn what itmeans to be an authenticman of God. A foundationalverse that came to meanmuch (and still does) to meis

I Corinthians 13:11:

“When I was a child, I talkedlike a child, I thought like achild, I reasoned like a child.When I became a man, I putchildish ways behind me.”

I realized that cross-dressingwas like playing the childishgame of “dress up” like Iused to with my cousinswhen I was a child. Cross-dressing also tends to be

self-centered, with the cross-dresser expecting others toaccommodate their behavioreven to the detriment of theirfamilies. I could either stay ina childish condition or I couldmove on and be a man. Ichose to be the man Godwanted me to be.

Learning to be a manpatterned after God’s planwas a matter of learning thetruth and modeling afterJesus. I realized that alifetime of being raised andtaught by women hadunknowingly feminized me.



Actually, I think many mentoday share this condition. Idon’t mean to be sexist,because certainly both maleand female models are

needed for a balancedupbringing. The problem isthat males and femalesapproach life from differentperspectives and beingexposed to largely the femaleperspective, I developed agender confusion.

At this point, my wifeministered to me in two verytangible ways. First, sheaffirmed my manhoodverbally. This was powerful,especially when having sex.Secondly, she helped meupgrade my wardrobe. Ithink one of the reasons Iwas drawn to cross-dressingwas because I felt womenget to wear more stylish

clothes. One of the things wedid was to buy me some newsuits. We got a great deal onsome high quality suits at alocal discount clothing storeand they really helped mefeel better about myself.

Something else I starteddoing at this time was “reality checks.” A practicalexample of this was when Ireasoned through the issueof my self-esteem. I hadalways seen myself asunattractive and I think thisalso contributed to the cross-dressing urges. While in my

confused state, I liked thethought of being beautiful.So, I decided to do a realitycheck at Wal-Mart one day.While walking through the

store I started counting howmany people, both men andwomen, were truly attractive.I still had two unused fingersafter the count! Admittedly,Wal-Mart is not where the “beautiful” people hang out,but still I realized that by farmost people are average atbest and some are justdownright ugly. I don’t intendto be mean about this, butthe reality is that beauty is afleeting fantasy for mostpeople. I also had to come toterms that I didn’t make aravishing beauty whendressed up, either!

For the next few months, thecross-dressing temptations

and urges died downtremendously. Only everyonce in a great while did Ithink of cross-dressing.When a temptation wouldcome my way, instead ofsimply dismissing it orignoring it, I dealt with it. Forexample, I would examinethe thought and say in mymind, “Lord, I know I am theman you made me to be. Iknow you love me just theway I am. In the name of theLord Jesus Christ I commandSatan and his demons toflee.” This worked withoutfail.



Then, one Saturday morningI awoke feeling free for thefirst time in many, manyyears. I know it sounds odd,but it was like an overnight

final transition happened. Notonly were there no cross-dressing temptations orfeelings, but also theappetite for other fleshlyactions were gone. I feltclean and free. The onlything I can figure is that Godhealed me in my sleep.

——————————————————————————–

Some Common QuestionsHere are some of the basicquestions I had to deal within my journey. They mightnot have the answers whowant to hear, but to the bestof my study and reasoningthey represent a Biblical

perspective.

Is cross-dressing A Sin? Thisis probably the key questionbecause if cross-dressing isnot a sin, then it shouldn’t bea problem. You will finddiffering opinions on this,many of which areconstructed by Christians(and non-Christians) whowish to justify cross-dressingas a harmless activity. I don’twant to condemn anyone as “sinner,” because I havemany other sins myself. Ialso understand where youare at. So please look at

these as things to consider,not a condemnation.

True, about the only directreference you will find on

cross-dressing is inDeuteronomy buried in theJudaic code. If we use thatverse for a reference we areon shaky ground becausemost of us do things like eatpork, which is also in there.Besides, the blood of Jesushas set us free from the lawto follow a higher law ofgrace.

In my early struggles Ireasoned that cross-dressingwas not a sin becauseobviously men wear andhave worn wigs for manyyears, actors wear makeup,etc. Although each piece ofthe picture can be takenalone as harmless human

activity, when you combineall of the pieces for theoverall effect of trying topass as or become a personof the opposite sex, you havetranscended into an entirelydifferent realm. If cross-dressing was simply wearinga dress but acting like amale, then one could perhapsmake the point they weredoing a bad imitation ofMilton Berle. But if you followthe path of many male tofemale cross-dressers youwill find it leads to learninghow to walk, talk and act likea female.



By shedding your masculinityand over-developing thefeminine you are steppingoutside of the role God hasfor you. This concept is even

more important if you are ahusband and father. It is veryclear in scripture that Godhas ordained a specific orderfor the family where thehusband is the spiritualleader. I know fromexperience that you can’t bethe masculine spiritual leaderof a family and a practicingcross-dresser without somekind of detrimental effect.One reason for this is thatthe spiritual leader should beactive and not passive.Transcending into the femalerole or image is usually apassive role.

Another problem is whenmale children are involved

and the father models apassive image. The childrenare likely to carry that imageinto their own marriages andexperience all kinds ofdifficulties. Personally, it wasvery difficult for me to evendiscuss this subject with mytwo sons, much less let themsee me in the act. My sonsand I have a greatrelationship and I amteaching them theimportance of activeleadership in the home.Please don’t misunderstandme – I’m not advocating adomineering, heavy handed

approach. I’m talking aboutleading our families as ourloving Heavenly Father leadsus.

Also keep in mind thatsomething can be a sin evenif there is no direct referenceto it in the Word. You mustsubmit an issue to the “wholetest” of the Word. In otherwords, is the practiceconsistent with the overallteaching of the Bible? It isentirely possible to constructall kinds of arguments to justify a particular sin, evenin the presence of numerousNew Testament referencesindicating otherwise. Onecurrent example of this is the justification of homosexualityas Scripturally permissive.

The Bible also speaks to theissue that some things are

permissible, but not all thingsare expedient. So, we canreason that some commonsense and judgment isneeded to make the call. Ifcross-dressing is a problemin your relationship to God,your wife, or anyone elseclose to you, then you mightconsider it as one of the notso expedient things to do.

I consider myself to be thekind of believer that could “eat meat sacrificed to idols”and it not bother me in theleast. In other words, I amnot a legalist. I don’t like to



live by rules alone, but someare needed to establishboundaries.

While searching for an

answer to the question ofcross-dressing being a sin, Irealized that I was lookingfor a black and white literalanswer in the Word that wasnot there. My reasoning wasthat if the prohibition was notthere, it was OK to cross-dress. Later, I realized thatwas the same attitude thePharisees had in Jesus’ day – they would strain atobserving all of the “mustdos,” but they would createall kinds of ways to follow thelaw literally while breaking itin spirit. It occurred to methat on this issue, I hadbecome a legalist!

Let’s define sin as missing

the perfect mark of God. AsChristians we know that “allhave sinned and come shortof the glory of God.”(Romans 3:23) We also knowthat “the wages of sin aredeath.” (Romans 6:23) Thegood news is that Jesusforgives all of our sins whenwe turn to him forforgiveness with a repentantheart.

So, for me, I believe cross-dressing is a sin because:

1. It is deception – Yes, mostof us to some degree modify

our appearance to coverimperfections and to look ourbest (although sometimesthe modifications look worsethan the imperfection!).

However, to equate this withbeing completelytransformed to look like theopposite sex is a huge leap ofreasoning.

2. It violates God’s ordainedgender role for a person – God doesn’t make mistakes,but Satan can take smallhurts and flaws in ourupbringing to cause genderconfusion. This genderconfusion can cause manykinds of relationshipproblems.

3. A cross-dressing father isa confusing model forchildren

4. cross-dressing is normallya very self-centered activity

5. It is not healthy for mostmarriage relationships. True,there are some exceptions tothis, but most women I havespoken with on the subjectindicate a) they want amasculine male as a husbandand b) they don’t care to bein a virtual lesbianrelationship with the otherwoman as their husband.

The real test of whether ornot something is a sin is yourcomfort level in doing it in



front of people you go tochurch with. For example,would you feel at easedressing up and attendingchurch “en femme?” If the

answer to this question is “no” or if you feel guilt overcross-dressing, then it failsthis test.

I do know that for many menwho are in conflict betweencross-dressing and theirfaith, the compulsion tocross-dress is a spiritualbondage. You dream about itat night, you read about it,you fantasize about it, andbefore long you want to gopublic. I personally wouldspend many hours on theInternet looking at web sitesof other cross-dressers.When anything goes to thispoint of compulsion, there isa spiritual stronghold. The

Lord is to be the center ofour attention and the objectof our praise. When I was setfree from the bondage, Icould finally see the issuesmuch more clearly. It alsohelps to have someone tospeak openly with. The moreyou bring the issue into thelight the less power thebondage has over you. It is avery freeing experience to “confess your faults one toanother that you may behealed.” (James 5:16)

Finally, ask the Holy Spirit toreveal this answer to your

own spirit. I can only giveyou my perspective. Youmust be convicted in yourown spirit as to the right andwrong of cross-dressing

before you can change.

Is it Possible to Change?Most secular psychologistswill tell you that a cross-dresser might go intoremission, but will relapseduring times of stress. Theyalso say the same abouthomosexuals. I can’t giveyou my long term story yet,but I know I’m free from anydesire to cross-dress. I canalso point you to others whohave been set free fromcross-dressing,homosexuality, and otherareas of sexual brokennessfor many years. Of course,the secular media usuallydoesn’t report those cases.

(First Stone Ministries definesSexual Brokenness as:Devastation brought aboutby behaviors outside of God’soriginal intent of sexuality.These include adultery,promiscuity, homosexuality,lesbianism, sexual abuse,molestation, prostitution,pornography, transexualityand transvestitism.)

Yes, there is hope! It’s noteasy and it’s not quick, butyou can be set free by JesusChrist. The first step is tofollow the Lord’s way and not



the world’s way. You mustrepent of your sin and askthe Lord to heal you. cross-dressing is a symptom of aninner hurt. To deal with the

cross-dressing, you must firstdeal with your inner wounds.

In breaking the cycle ofcompulsion, you will alsoneed to do spiritual warfare.An excellent resource for thisare all of the Neil Andersonbooks. The titles are found atthe end of this article.

Healing prayer, where yourpast and present hurts arehealed by the Holy Spirit, ishow the Lord ministers toyou. You will likely needsomeone to intercede for youin this area, but it is one ofthe most powerful ways to behealed. Leanne Payne haswritten a wonderful book,

Crisis in Masculinity, whichdescribes the healing prayerprocess. You can find ororder the book from yourChristian bookstore.

Am I the Only One? By nomeans! I don’t know of anyfirm statistics, but if cross-dressing is like any otheractivity, the church is slightlyless than secular society interms of percentages ofpeople with addictions andcompulsions. If this is true,then somewhere around 2percent of men in ourchurches cross-dress. The

problem is that not manypeople are aware of this oreven believe it. I can tell youof a transgender ministrythat has over 500 regular

correspondents ontransgender issues.

How Do I Tell my Wife andFamily? This is somethingthat many cross-dressersreally struggle with. In mycase, I know my wife so well,that it was very natural toseek her help. But keep inmind, that I was coming froman attitude of repentance andconfession. I would adviseyou to get Christiancounseling in sexualbrokenness issues to decidewhen and how to tell yourmate. You and the yourfamily will need support anda Christian counselor can bethe person to help you

through the rough spots. Youwill need to trust the Lord toprepare the hearts of thosenearest to you.

Why Should I Stop cross-dressing? I had a strugglewith this myself. At first I feltalmost a grief at giving up afetish-like behavior I hadclung to for comfort foralmost 30 years. I can nowsay it was the best thing Iever did. My relationship withmy wife and family is somuch better than it wasbefore I made the choice. I’mnot proud of my past



thoughts and actions ofcross-dressing, but I am gladI made the choice to followGod’s leading in my life.

Actually, stopping cross-dressing was a result ofdealing with all of the hurtsand wounds of my past,taking them to the Lord, andgetting healing from Him. Ihad tried simply quittingbefore but it never lastedbecause I was treating thesymptom and not theproblem. As my wife hasremarked, “I had no ideathere was even a problem inour marriage. Everything was just going along fine.” Thetrouble was that I was livingin my own private fantasyworld and not dealing withreality. I was the spiritualleader of our family in nameonly.

——————————————————————————–

A Final Word Keep seekingthe Lord. He will reveal alltruth to you and “the truthwill set you free.” (John8:32) In my victory overcross-dressing, I found it tobe more of a truth battle asopposed to a power strugglewith the enemy.

Also, look down the path tosee where cross-dressingleads. If you examine closelywhat is on some of the more

popular web sites, you willfind graphic descriptions ofbi-sexuality and infidelity.What goes in our mindsusually works its way out into

practice. Ask yourself if thisis really what you want inyour life.

Many of us in the Christiancommunity have grown tosee adultery as the “big sin”to be avoided. In doing so,we condone other behaviorsthat undermine the marriagerelationship almost as muchand are just as sinful to God.In cross-dressing, you can be “the other woman.”

Consider what would happenif someone found out aboutyour cross-dressing. There isgreat truth to the saying “Your sin will find you out.”So, you need to give this

some consideration beforeyour reputation is affected.

Finally, and most importantly,God loves you with aneverlasting love. You were inhis thoughts when he createdthe world. He knows yourevery hurt and your everyneed. When you come to theend of yourself and feel youcan go no lower, God is thereto welcome you home. Heand the angels will rejoice!

If this has been a help toyou, feel free to respond atthe bottom of this testimony.



If you are the spouse or afamily member of someonestruggling with cross-dressing, please feel free toe-mail at the bottom of the

testimony.

The following verse describesmy motive in putting intaking a stand and puttingthis information on the web:

“Now the Spirit expresslysays that in latter timessome will depart from thefaith, giving heed todeceiving spirits anddoctrines of demons,speaking lies in hypocrisy,having their own conscienceseared with a hot iron,forbidding to marry, andcommanding to abstain fromfoods which God created tobe received withthanksgiving by those who

believe and know the truth.For every creature of God isgood, and nothing is to berefused if it is received withthanksgiving; for it issanctified by the word of Godand prayer. If you ministerthe brethren in these things,you will be a good minister ofJesus Christ, nourished in thewords of faith and of thegood doctrine which youhave carefully followed. Butreject profane and old wives’fables and exercise yourselftoward godliness.” I Timothy4: 1 – 7

——————————————————————————–

Bibliography These bookshave been particularly helpful

to me in gaining freedomfrom cross-dressing andrelated symptoms of sexualbrokenness.

The Bible Yes, I know thisone may be obvious, but it isreally the foundational truthupon which all else is based.Scriptures that have beenparticularly helpful in helpingme see the truth are:

Romans 1:18 – 32 Romans6:21 – 22 I Corinthians13:11 Galatians 5:24, 25

Jakes, T.D., Loose That Manand Let Him Go!, AlburyPublishing, Tulsa, OK, 1995,ISBN 1-88008-915-7

This book is written from anon-condemning viewpoint,but is also motivation for theman who is caught up insexual things and is havingtrouble “growing up” inChrist. There is a lot of goodadvice in how to come backfrom spiritual death andsome advice for family andloved ones on how torespond and minister to theirhusband and father who is inthe process of healing.

Anderson, Neil, Releasedfrom Bondage, Thomas



Nelson Publishers, Nashville,TN, 1993, ISBN 0-8407-4388-2

This is an excellent “how-to”

book on gaining freedomfrom the bondage ofobsessive thoughts,compulsive behaviors,childhood abuse and demonicstrongholds. Several real lifecase studies are presented,along with Anderson’s 7-stepprocess for recovery.

Anderson, Neil, Victory OverThe Darkness, Regal Books,Ventura, CA, 1990, ISBN 0-8307-1375-1

This book deals with helpingyou discover who you are inChrist and how to becomethe spiritual person heintends for you to be. Thisexcellent book also discusses

relationship issues and howto help others.

Anderson, Neil, The BondageBreaker, Harvest House,Eugene, OR, 1990, ISBN 0-89081-787-1

This book is an excellentguide to applying Anderson’sseven steps to breaking freeof bondage from habitualsins and thoughts. The bookalso explains why Andersonbelieves that confronting theenemy is a truth encounteras opposed to a powerencounter.

Bradshaw, John, Healing theShame that Binds You,Health Communications, Inc.,Deerfield Beach, FL, 1988,ISBN 0-932194-86-9

This book is written from asecular perspective, but isvery good about describingthe how and why people actout in shameful ways to meetneeds caused by pastshames. There is goodinformation in this book thatdescribes what must occur toturn toxic shame into healthyshame and how to confrontthe inner voices that oftentrigger the shame ritual.

Crossland, Don, A JourneyToward Wholeness, StarSong, Nashville, TN, 1991,ISBN 1-56233-022-5

Don Crossland is a pastor

and teacher who hasexperienced the painfulshame of homosexuality, butalso the powerful healing ofJesus Christ over sin andguilt. Crossland tells thestory of how he had to resignhis pastorate and how hereceived healing throughJesus Christ. He also explainsthe root causes of whypeople turn to shame-basedbehavior to meet unmetchildhood needs. This bookwas very enlightening to mein first coming to terms withmy own sin and shame.There are also a set of two



audio tapes, ReleasingShame, that go along withthe book and can bepurchased separately.

Gray, John, Men, Women,and Relationships, HarperPaperbacks, NY, 1993, ISBN0-06-101070-7

This book was very helpful inhelping me understandgender roles and howmasculine and feminine aredifferent, yet a person needsto balance both in their lives.This was also an excellentresource for my wife and I towork though as I went froma passive husband and fatherto a more assertive leader ofthe home.

Lewis, C.S., The GreatDivorce

This small fiction bookillustrates the gulf betweenthe heavenly life and thehellish life. A good book tokeep perspective on who youare and the direction you aregoing.

MacDonald, Gordon, WhenMen Think Private Thoughts,Thomas Nelson Publishers,Nashville, 1996, ISBN 0-7852-7839-7

This book relates to men whoare living an externally falselife. On the outside,everything might seem fine,

but on the inside theirthoughts are filled withfantasies and lustfulthoughts. A good book forany man who is having

battles controlling theirthoughts.

Payne, Leanne, Crisis inMasculinity, Baker Books,Grand Rapids, Mich, 1995,ISBN 0-8010-5320-X

This is an excellent book thatdescribes why many mentoday do not know what itmeans to be truly masculineas modeled by the Fatherand by Jesus. Payne alsogives case studies of howhealing prayer and healedand restored both men andwomen from past emotionaltraumas that led todestructive behaviors.———————————————

———————————–

Contact Randall Wayne:rwayne2000 [at] gmail.com



Speaking on Post SRS Regret

From Someone Who knows

What We Have Gone Through

Emotionally, Spiritually and

Physically

To my peril I became part of the

heavily promoted culture shift in the

western society that has largely

discarded Judeo Christian beliefs for

Darwin inspired evolution, secular

emerging liberalism, subjectivity,

tolerance, and relativity. Tragically

people have come to believe that

same sex and transgender

behaviors are to be natural

alternates of human sexuality.

I listened to decades of advocates

and lobbyists aided by the corrupted

mass media force-feeding one sided

sympathetic views portraying

homosexual & transgender persons

as victims of a hateful and intolerant

society. Sadly many including myself

believed activists, peers, and the

mainstream media while refusing to

consider any contrary evidence or

testimonies.

I had taken to heart the same old

storylines of being a woman trapped in

a man's body. I also had heard that

gender is a psychological construct

and that transitioning to female was a journey to my true self. My unrealized

soul became consumed with a

misdirected vision by altering the

outward physical appearance. I

believed it to be a remedy for my

internal gender confusion.

I had become blinded to the

deception and long termconsequences. I had made life

altering decisions based on mymixed emotions ranging fromselfish narcissism to self- hatred.

I had harmed not only myself, but

loved ones and friends. Obsessed

with buying women's clothes and

makeup, taking female sex

hormones, electrolysis, legal name

and identity change. I had cross

lived full time as a woman, attending

psychiatric assessments and finallysex reassignment surgery.

Sadly many transgender people are

coming to realize as I have that

living life as the opposite sex results

in being impeded by an increasingly

amplified awkward true introverted

self-complete, with inferiority

complexes and confusion. My post

sex reassignment surgery was

initially” mission accomplished". The

journey was completed. However;

slowly reality began to set in as I

was having emotional



difficulties. I had become

psychologically paralyzed in a

prison of fear and unable to adapt

in my "new" gender.

I had been hormonally and surgically

altered. I had become legally the

opposite sex. However; I began

feeling like a "twisted pretzel", with

seemingly inescapable moral &

emotional burdens of guilt and

responsibility. I knew I was not a

woman and began to feel as if I was

a manufactured counterfeit imposter.

I felt like a fugitive on the run living

in continual fear of discovery,

shame, embarrassment, and

humiliation. I had found myself to

be middle aged, alone, sad, and

unable to advance in my personal

life, or able to gain supplemental

employment. At times I had wished

for an end to my misery.

Where Do We Go From Here

Now That We know this Was

Not of God ?

The feelings of failure had been the

beginning of a spiritual awakening

and a realization of my eternal soul. I

had become drawn to the potent fire

and brimstone puritan Calvinistic

preaching. I had a strong desire to

know God's absolute truth no matter

how awful or compelling it may of

sounded to me.

“God created man in his own image,

in the image of male and female

created he them” . Gen 1:27

I also had found another reference

that spoke to me Deut.22:5 “A woman

shall not wear anything that pertains

to a man, nor shall a man put on a

woman’s garment, for all who do so

are an abomination to the LORD yourGod”. Deut.22:5

As I continued to search I found

the following verse as well. He

that is emasculated shall not

enter into the congregation of

the LORD. (Deut 23:1)

There it is, God's Words. An

arrow of divine truth piercing my

awakening soul completelyopposite to that of modern day

secular human views.

I began feeling as if God would

never forgive me, but as I continued

with my bible, I had found a verse

that I could relate to….F or there

were some eunuchs which were so

born from their mother's womb: and

there are some eunuchs, which were

made eunuchs of men: and there be

eunuchs which have made

themselves eunuchs for the kingdom

of heaven's sake. He that is able to

receive it let him receive it (Matthew

19:12). As a post SRS I felt like a

eunuch; having been emasculated

and assumed I had committed an

unforgiveable sin fully deserving of

death, eternal punishment, and hell.

Then I had read Acts 8:27&28,36-39

the Ethiopian eunuch was reading the

book of Isaiah when the angel of the

Lord sent Philip to convert him



in what may be called the Greatest

Miracle in the Desert and it was the

same book of Isaiah that Philip

used in preaching to the eunuch

and leading the eunuch to Christ.

Circumstances of this amazingconversion excite our admiration of

the Providences of God such as

the conversion of Paul on the road

to Damascus. Consistently I am

currently in the book of Isaiah as

part of my bible-reading plan.

I had discovered that Jesus Christ had

plans for me and all who believe. It’s

not instant faith healing, or an instant

miraculous transformation but a

process of becoming God centered

instead of self-centered. Knowing and

understanding God's truth is

necessary to understand His grace

and mercy. Opening my mind to

acknowledge Transsexualism was a

sexual sin warring against my never

dying soul, and asking for forgiveness

instead of rebelling against the truth,

Jesus paid the penalty for all of my

sins on the cross at Calvary.

I have a heart to know God, as a

sinner penitient (being humble) with

feeling contrite (expressing my sincere

remorse). I mourned over my sins,

and learned how to set aside pride,

vanity, feelings, sensibilities, and not

to be offended by any of Gods laws

and commandments.

God's Blesses by Revealing

Absolute Truth and His Grace

and Mercy

God has blessed me to of been

fortunate that my late father,mother, and my siblings loved me

despite the hurt and confusion I

had caused them.

God has opened my eyes and

softened my heart to His word. I

know He desires of me to be a

witness to His grace and the truth.

God had led me subsequently to

Help 4 Families ministry. Help 4

Families is a wonderful example of

how He displays grace and mercy

through His people. Help 4 Families

has afforded me an opportunity to be

part of God's plan to be a witness to

His grace and truth writing my own

words sharing my very painful

testimony with tears and humility.

They loved me right where I was.

God's hand has guided me to an old-

fashioned fundamental local worship

church that is a bible believing. We

sing traditional hymns and have

teachings only from God's words.

This church does not compromise

His truth. The local church family

cares for each other and shares

the joy with believing in the Lord.



265

Instead of the endless external searches for life's meanings, the Spirit of Truth is my anchor for

my soul and has lead me to the focus on eternal life, not temporal living.

I know one day the Lord is going to restore everything to right and He has given believers

such as myself new light, hope and optimism for a very bright future.

As Charles Spurgeon said: “If thou receive not His perfect, unrivalled blood -washing, thou artno Christian. Whatever be thy profession, whatever thy supposed experience, whatever thy

reformation, whatever thou mayst have attempted or accomplished, if thou hast never come

as a guilty one, and seen thy sin laid upon the bleeding Son of God, thou art in the gall of

bitterness and in the bond of iniquity. ... Without faith in the atonement thou canst have no part

in Christ” (C.H.S., Sermons, 16, 220 & 223).

It is my prayer that you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and the love He has for you.

Beck

transsexuality - help 4 families

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