transforming the inner mother

Transforming the Inner Mother:Become the Mother You Always Wanted—to Yourself

B E T H A N Y W E B S T E R

A F R E E G U I D E

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©!Bethany!Webster!2014.!All!Rights!Reserved.!http://womboflight.com!Transforming!the!Inner!Mother:!A!Free!Guide.!!

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Introduction!!

Developmentally,!our!relationship!with!our!mother!serves!as!a!

template!for!our!relationship!with!ourselves.!As!female!children!

we!absorbed!information!about!how!she!felt!about!herself,!about!

us!as!her!child!and!about!the!world.!Naturally!we!internalized!

these!beliefs!and!worldviews!to!form!the!basis!of!our!very!own!

beliefs!and!sense!of!self.!

!We!learned!to!treat!ourselves!the!way!our!mother!treated!herself.!!

Our!task!as!awakened!women!is!to!transform!the!inner!mother!

within!our!psyche!from!a!duplicate!of!our!biological!mother!with!

her!human!limitations!into!the!mother!we!always!needed!and!

wanted.!In!doing!this,!the!inner!mother!accurately!meets!our!

needs!and!unconditionally!nurtures!us!in!ways!our!outer!mothers!

may!have!been!unable!to.!!

We!can!become!the!mother!we!always!wanted–to!ourselves.!!

In!this!way,!we!become!capable!of!accepting!the!limitations!of!our!

outer!mother!because!the!inner!mother!becomes!the!primary!one!

we!can!rely!on!in!ways!that!perhaps!we!were!never!able!to!rely!on!

our!outer!mother.

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Our!mother!could!only!love!us!to!the!extent!that!she!could!love!herself.!

At!a!certain!point!we!must!face!that!our!mothers!could!not!and!

will!not!meet!our!needs!in!all!the!ways!that!we!needed!and!

wanted!her!to.!This!must!be!grieved!all!the!way!through.!We!have!

to!grieve!the!ways!we!had!to!compensate!and!suffer!from!the!

mother!wound.!In!the!process!of!grieving!we!have!the!chance!to!

realize!that!the!fact!that!we!felt!unloved!or!abandoned!in!

moments!was!not!our!fault!and!we!can!stop!struggling!to!prove!

our!worth!to!the!world.!In!the!grieving!process,!we!can!also!have!

compassion!for!our!mothers!and!the!burdens!they!carried.!

Healing!the!“mother!wound”!transforms!your!life!beyond!anything!you!can!imagine.!!

Through!facing!this!pain,!we!may!find!that!what!we!thought!was!

our!pain!may!actually!be!partly!our!mother’s!pain!that!we!have!

been!carrying!for!her!out!of!love.!We!can!now!choose!to!put!this!

burden!down.!Instead!of!attenuating!ourselves!out!of!guilt,!we!

can!stand!confidently!in!our!bodies!and!hearts!with!a!sense!of!

true!wholeness!and!selfClove.!

By!becoming!the!“good!enough”!mother!to!ourselves,!we!liberate!not!only!ourselves,!but!everyone!else!in!our!lives.!!

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It!is!challenging!to!admit!to!ourselves!where!we!felt!unloved!in!

our!relationship!with!our!mother.!We!may!recall!seeing!how!

burdened!and!overwhelmed!she!was!and!we!may!have!thought!

that!we!were!the!source!of!her!pain.!This!“daughter!guilt”!can!

keep!us!stuck.!Recognizing!the!innocence!and!legitimacy!of!our!

childhood!needs!is!a!way!of!releasing!shame!and!baptizing!

ourselves!into!the!truth!of!our!goodness.!Once!we!first!grieve!for!

ourselves,!we!can!then!grieve!for!our!mothers!and!for!women!as!a!

whole.!

Grief!replenishes!and!strengthens!us.!

As!women!we!can!heal!and!give!ourselves!what!our!mothers!

could!not!give!us.!We!can!become!our!own!source.!The!collective!

female!“pain!body”!is!healed!one!woman!at!a!time.!And!as!the!

female!pain!body!heals!so!does!the!collective!human!pain!body.!

Our!own!healing!is!not!only!a!gift!to!ourselves,!but!to!the!world.!

The!mother!wound!is!a!great!opportunity.!

As!we!allow!ourselves!to!contact!what!feels!like!an!ancient,!

inexhaustible!hunger!for!an!inexhaustible!mother–we!birth!

ourselves!into!our!true!identity–what!I!call!“the!womb!of!light,”!

an!inexhaustible,!overflowing!fountain!of!love!and!abundance!

that!is!not!dependent!on!circumstances!or!conditions.!We!then!

can!live!in!service!to!that!which!we!truly!are–love!itself.

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Transforming!the!Inner!Mother!!

Even!though!we!are!adult!women!the!mother/daughter!relationship!continues!to!live!within!our!psyche.!!!

Mother/daughter!relationships!are!on!a!continuum,!with!healthy!

and!supportive!on!one!end!and!abusive,!conflictCridden!on!the!

other!end.!We!all!fall!somewhere!on!this!continuum.!Depending!

upon!the!level!of!positive!bonding!that!you!experienced!with!your!

mother,!your!mother’s!voice!may!be!the!supportive,!nurturing,!

comforting!voice!that!encourages!you!when!you!feel!confused!or!

challenged.!And!likewise,!you!may!recognize!the!voice!of!the!inner!

critic!to!be!the!voice!of!your!mother,!causing!you!to!feel!doubtful,!

stuck!and!limited.!!

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There!is!no!such!thing!as!a!perfect!mother/daughter!relationship.!

And!many!women!have!experienced!great!pain!and!conflict!with!

their!mothers.!!

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Our!task!as!we!heal!the!mother!wound!is!to!transform!the!inner!

mother!within!us!from!a!duplicate!of!our!human!mother!(with!her!

limitations)!into!the!mother!we!always!wanted—an!inner!mother!that!can!abundantly!meet!our!needs!and!support!us!in!flourishing!and!loving!ourselves!for!who!we!truly!are.!!!

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!!Even!if!you!have!had!challenges!with!our!mother,!it’s!possible!to!create!an!unconditionally!loving!mother!on!the!inside.!!

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The!relationship!between!your!inner!mother!and!your!inner!child!

is!a!container!that!supports!you!in!living!a!life!that!truly!fulfills!

you.!This!relationship!is!created!by!having!regular!dialogues!with!your!inner!child!and!by!demonstrating!your!ability!to!nurture,!

listen!and!comfort!her!on!a!consistent!basis.!!

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Over!time!a!safe!inner!bond!is!formed!that!fills!the!gap!of!

mothering!that!you!did!not!get!from!your!own!mother.!Gradually,!

this!allows!you!to!cease!searching!for!this!love!on!the!outside!

because!you!are!finding!it!within.!It!is!a!powerful!process!that!has!

ripple!effects!on!every!area!of!your!life.!!!

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Giving!Yourself!Permission!to!Love!Yourself!!

What!many!people!don’t!realize!is!that!what!we!really!want!is!our!

OWN!love.!This!is!the!love!that!is!truly!infinite!and!without!limit.!

The!reason!it!seems!that!we!may!be!searching!and!longing!for!our!

mother’s!love!or!approval!is!because!a!mother’s!love!is!what!gives!a!child!PERMISSION!to!love!herself.!!!

This!is!a!developmental!need!and!when!that!need!is!not!met!in!

childhood,!as!adults!we!end!up!unconsciously!projecting!this!need!

onto!other!people!and!situations!in!our!lives,!expecting!them!to!

give!us!that!sense!of!validation,!approval!and!love!that!they!

simply!cannot!give.!This!can!keep!us!stuck!and!frustrated.!!

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As!adults,!we!can!finally!give!ourselves!permission!to!love!

ourselves.!We!do!this!by!first!mourning!the!fact!that!our!original!

chance!to!get!that!permission!from!our!mothers!is!gone!because!

we!can’t!go!back!to!childhood.!What!creates!the!shift!is!really!

seeing!the!truth!that!it!was!never!your!fault!that!you!didn’t!get!the!mothering!you!needed.!It!was!simply!the!result!of!the!

environmental!factors!that!were!present!in!your!early!childhood,!

including!the!issues!of!the!adults!surrounding!you.!You!were!a!

child!and!had!no!control!over!the!situation.!!

!Mourning!our!Powerlessness!as!Children!!

The!way!a!child!interprets!maternal!deficits!is!to!make!itself!

wrong!and!something!to!improve!upon.!This!is!because!the!child!

must!preserve!the!belief!that!the!mother!is!allCgood!and!allC

knowing!in!order!to!survive!emotionally!intact.!It!creates!the!

belief!that:!“There!must!be!something!wrong!with!me.”!This!

internal!message!is!a!survival!mechanism!protecting!the!child!

from!the!reality!of!the!situation,!which!could!otherwise!devastate!

the!child.!Because!of!this!early!survival!mechanism,!many!of!us!

may!unconsciously!carry!this!belief!into!adulthood!to!some!

degree,!which!can!cause!a!lot!of!pain!and!struggle.!!

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We!did!not!have!the!capacity!to!mourn!the!situation!as!children!

but!as!adults!we!do!and!we!must,!in!order!to!claim!and!live!our!

full!potential.!!

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It!is!an!important!step!to!really!allow!yourself!to!see!that!your!

pain!was!never!your!fault!and!to!grieve!the!fact!that!you!cannot!

go!back!and!get!that!nurturing!you!needed.!!

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In!taking!this!step,!you!begin!the!process!of!liberating!yourself!to!

become!the!powerful,!unique,!amazing!woman!that!you!are!and!

to!live!your!life!authentically!expressing!your!truth!and!your!gifts!

to!the!world.!!

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This!process!can!take!a!while!but!it!works!!Be!patient!with!

yourself.!If!you!stick!with!it,!you!will!increasingly!feel!the!weight!

and!pressure!lift!off!of!you!and!a!new!sense!of!freedom!will!begin!

to!dawn!in!your!life.!You!gradually!become!free!to!be!you,!without!

guilt,!shame!or!selfCdoubt,!but!rather!with!clarity,!confidence!and!

joy!!!

!Your!Inner!Child!!Your!Inner!Child!is!a!source!of!creativity,!vitality!and!innocent!

wisdom.!Many!of!us!were!rejected!to!some!degree!in!childhood!

and!compensated!in!some!way!by!creating!a!“false!self.”!This!false!

self!was!the!self!we!had!to!show!to!the!outside!world!in!order!to!

be!accepted.!The!parts!of!us!that!were!rejected!went!into!shadow!

and!remain!inaccessible!to!us!until!we!retrieve!our!inner!child!and!

create!a!nurturing,!safe!inner!relationship!that!allows!for!our!true,!

authentic!self!to!emerge.!!

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!!Creating!Inner!Safety!!

• What!we!call!the!inner!child!is!a!real!energy!that!lives!in!us!

as!adults.!If!left!ignored,!the!inner!child!may!still!be!splitCoff!

and!frozen!due!to!unresolved!early!traumatic!experiences.!

This!can!cause!us!to!unconsciously!sabotage!ourselves!due!

to!unresolved!beliefs!and!fears!from!early!childhood.!

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• By!opening!the!dialogue!with!your!inner!child,!the!inner!frozen!places!that!keep!you!stuck!in!painful!patterns!begin!

to!open!up,!creating!space!for!more!fulfillment,!joy!and!

creativity.!!

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Examples!of!questions!to!ask!your!inner!child:!!

• How!are!you!feeling!today?!

• What!do!you!need!from!me!in!this!moment?!

• What!can!I!do!for!you!right!now?!

• I!sense!that!you!are!feeling!______.!Would!you!like!to!talk!

about!it?!

• What!would!you!like!to!do!right!now?!

!!!!!

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Examples!of!affirming!things!you!can!say!to!your!inner!child:!!

• You!are!thoroughly!good!and!wonderful.!• You!are!lovable!and!special.!• You!are!safe.!• I!respect!you.!• I!am!so!proud!of!you!!

• I’m!so!happy!you!are!here!!

• You!can!do!it!!• I’m!right!here!for!you!whenever!you!need!me.!

• It’s!OK!to!have!needs.!I!love!filling!your!needs!!• I!love!taking!care!of!you!!• It’s!OK!to!make!mistakes.!

• All!of!your!feelings!are!OK.!• You!can!rest!in!me.!

• There’s!nothing!you!could!say!or!do!that!would!make!me!not!

love!you.!

!Your!inner!Mother!!Your!inner!Mother!is!your!adult!self,!with!all!your!knowledge!and!

power,!supported!by!higher!forces!such!as!the!universe,!

God/Goddess!and!higher!self.!!

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As!the!inner!mother,!you!help!your!inner!child!within!you!to!see!

that!the!past!is!truly!in!the!past.!You!do!this!by!being!conscious!of!

your!inner!child’s!emotional!state!and!making!new!choices!that!

demonstrate!that!the!dangers!of!early!childhood!are!no!longer!

present.!!

!You!as!the!inner!mother!have!the!ability!to!care!for!your!inner!child!and!provide!things!that!your!mother!may!not!have!been!able!to.!!!!

Some!examples:!

o Soothing!her!when!she!is!scared!o Comforting!her!when!you!are!moving!into!a!new!

direction!that!seems!risky!to!her!

o Supporting!her!by!affirming!her!worth,!value!and!

deservingness!

o Protecting!her!boundaries!o Supporting!her!in!her!desires!to!play,!learn,!explore!

and!grow!

o Affirming!her!goodness!that!is!indestructible!no!matter!

what!happens!in!life!

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!!The!inner!bond!that!will!change!your!life!in!profound!ways…!!You!move!back!and!forth!between!being!the!inner!mother!and!

the!inner!child.!In!this!way,!you!receive!the!nurturing!you!need!

and!you!provide!the!safe!container!that!you!needed!as!a!child.!

One!could!say!that!through!this!relationship,!you!create!a!center!!

of!wholeness!and!safety!within!that!allows!you!to!truly!thrive!and!

flourish!in!the!world.!This!relationship!continues!to!deepen!over!

time!and!brings!a!great!richness!to!life.!!

!When!your!inner!child!really!understands,!with!your!help,!the!truth!that!her!pain!was!never!her!fault,!a!major!shift!happens:!!!• The!primary$attachment!bond!from!shifts!from!the!limited!

outer!mother!to!the!unconditionally!loving!inner!mother.!!

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• You!become!increasingly!able!to!feel!the!reality!of!your!own!

loveableCness!and!rejoice!in!your!own!goodness!and!value,!

no!matter!the!outer!circumstances.!

!• You!are!better!able!to!receive!love!from!others!because!a!

part!of!you!is!no!longer!invested!in!seeing!yourself!as!“less!

than”!as!a!form!of!being!loyal!to!your!mother.!(Waiting!

indefinitely!for!your!mother!to!show!up!in!the!ways!that!you!

needed!her!to.)!!!

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• You!are!able!to!accurately!see!yourself.!You!can!see!your!own!faults,!flaws!or!mistakes!while!remaining!firmly!rooted!

in!your!basic!sense!of!goodness!and!value.!External!approval!

may!come!but!you!no!longer!need!it!to!feel!OK.!!

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Ways!to!cultivate!the!“Good!Enough”!Inner!Mother!!

By!cultivating!the!good!enough!mother!you!are!developing!a!new!

relationship!within!yourself.!You!don’t!have!to!be!perfect;!you!will!

make!mistakes.!The!important!thing!is!that!you!are!willing!to!keep!

going!!And!every!little!bit!goes!a!very!long!way!!!

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What!were!some!of!the!things!you!wanted!when!you!were!little!

that!you!never!got?!!

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As!a!little!girl,!did!you!wish!your!mother…?!!

• Lovingly!brushed!your!hair!• Laid!out!your!clothes!the!night!before!school!• Read!you!a!bedtime!story!every!night!

• Truly!listened!to!what!you!had!to!say!• Console!you!and!help!you!to!brainstorm!solutions!when!you!

were!upset!

• Paid!for!you!to!take!music!or!art!lessons!

• Gave!you!lots!of!hugs!and!was!physically!affectionate!towards!you!

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!!Action!step:!Make!a!list!of!things!your!inner!child!longed!for!from!

your!mother!and!actually!do!them!!This!sends!a!very!strong!

message!to!your!inner!child!that!she!is!worthy,!deserving,!

important!and!special.!She!starts!to!see!that!you!are!the!source!of!!love!that!she!needs,!not!the!outer!mother!who!she’s!been!waiting!

and!longing!for.!

!Action!Step:!Consistently!“checkCin”!and!dialogue!with!your!inner!child:!!

!

o Post!a!picture!of!yourself!as!a!child!in!a!prominent!

place!where!you!can!see!it!every!day.!!

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o You!can!start!out!small!with!just!a!few!minutes!of!

dialogue!per!day.!(silently!or!aloud)!

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o Speak!to!her!as!you!would!a!child!in!a!nurturing,!soft!voice.!!

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o Empathy!is!key.!Express!empathy!for!how!she!has!been!

suffering!and!waiting!for!mother!to!change.!Explain!

that!she!no!longer!needs!to!wait,!that!you!are!now!

here!to!take!care!of!her!from!now!on.!!

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o Tell!her!how!special,!unique,!and!wonderful!she!is!!Give!her!examples!of!her!wonderful!qualities.!!

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o Tell!her!you!are!so!happy!she!is!here!!That!she!is!alive!and!in!your!life!!(something!she!may!not!have!heard!at!

all!as!a!child)!

!

o Cultivate!maternal!compassion!and!love!for!yourself!as!

a!child.!You!can!do!this!by!flipping!through!photo!

albums!and!admiring!what!an!adorable,!wonderful!

child!you!were.!Really!look!and!sense!yourself!as!a!

child,!how!precious!and!special!you!were.!!

!

o Visualize!a!beautiful!inner!place!where!you!and!your!inner!child!can!connect!and!interact.!Perhaps!a!

gorgeous!meadow,!on!the!beach!or!in!a!safe!home!that!

is!beautiful!and!cozy.!Return!to!this!place!consistently!

to!connect,!nurture!and!comfort!your!inner!child.!!

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o Even!when!you!are!active!in!the!world!a!part!of!you!can!always!be!connected!to!her.!She!can!always!be!

“tucked!in!safely!your!heart.”!

!!

As!adults,!we!have!a!second!chance!to!get!the!!mothering!we!need.!

!!

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We!can!get!the!mothering!we!need!from!many!different!sources:!!!o Other!people!who!are!generous,!safe!and!trustworthy.!

All!the!love,!kindness,!respect,!that!we!receive!from!

others!can!feed!us!and!nurture!the!child!within.!!

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o Observe!loving!mothers!interact!with!their!children.!

Bring!that!loving!energy!into!yourself!and!into!your!

relationship!with!your!own!inner!child.!!

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o We!consciously!make!new!choices!that!we!couldn’t!

make!in!the!past!AND!in!doing!so!we!receive!emotional!

nutrients!that!replace!earlier!deficits.!(Examples:!

setting!boundaries,!voicing!our!truth,!comforting!

ourselves!rather!than!condemning!ourselves,!etc.)!

!

o For!example,!if!you!were!shamed!for!speaking!your!

mind!as!a!child,!as!an!adult!rather!than!continuing!the!

pattern!of!remaining!silent!due!to!fear!of!rejection,!

one!can!shift!the!pattern!by!taking!the!risk!to!speak!

your!mind!as!an!adult,!even!if!it!feels!uncomfortable!in!

order!to!experience!a!different!outcome.!!

!

o When!we!do!this!(acting!counter!to!the!pattern)!

there’s!a!chance!we!will!have!a!different!experience!

than!we!did!as!a!child,!which!can!be!very!healing.!!

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o When!you!have!this!different!experience,!perhaps!by!

being!supported!in!speaking!your!mind!(rather!than!

shamed)!your!inner!child!gets!the!message!that!things!

ARE!different!now.!It!demonstrates!that!you!are!not!

frozen!in!the!past,!stuck!in!that!pattern,!but!that!you,!

as!an!adult,!are!capable!of!new!experiences!of!yourself!

and!life.!Your!inner!child!begins!to!trust!you!more!and!

more.!!

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o Working!with!symbols!and!archetypes.!(Example:!

Create!an!image!of!the!good!mother!and!work!with!it.!

Visualizations,!art!work,!collage,!drawings,!etc.)!!

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o Help!from!the!Divine!Mother:!Mother!Mary,!The!

Goddesses,!other!images!and!figures!of!divine!

feminine!power!and!love,!etc.!

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o Get!Support:!We!cannot!heal!in!isolation.!It’s!

important!to!reach!out!and!get!the!support!you!need.!

Depending!where!you!are!in!your!healing!journey,!

different!forms!of!support!may!be!needed!or!desired!

at!different!times.!No!matter!what!modality!you!use,!

the!most!important!thing!is!to!have!a!safe!place!to!process!some!of!the!deeper!feelings!you!may!be!

experiencing!and!integrate!them!in!a!healthy!way!that!

supports!you!in!loving!yourself.!!

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o Some!examples!of!support!are:!!

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! Individual!therapy!! Group!therapy!!! Support!groups!! Workshops!

! Energy!work!! Movement!therapy/yoga!

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Conclusion!Transforming!the!inner!mother!is!a!powerful!process!that!guides!

women!to!heal!from!interCgenerational!wounds!and!to!claim!their!

authentic!power!and!potential.!It!is!a!simple!process!that!over!

time!can!create!major!positive!change!in!your!life.!I!hope!you’ve!

enjoyed!this!free!report!and!feel!inspired!to!love!and!support!

yourself!in!this!way!!

!

Learn!more!about!programs!and!offerings!from!Bethany!Webster!The!guide!is!a!brief!excerpt!from!a!larger!module!on!transforming!

the!inner!mother,!which!is!a!single!component!of!a!sevenCstep!

process!I!teach!on!how!to!transform!the!pain!of!maternal!

wounding!into!divine!feminine!power.!Stay!tuned!to!my!website!

for!upcoming!announcements!about!online!courses,!live!

workshops!and!opportunities!to!invest!in!personal!coaching!with!

me.!I!welcome!the!opportunity!to!serve!you!on!your!unique!path!

of!healing!and!transformation!!http://womboflight.com!

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18!

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Important!Notes:!!• If!your!relationship!with!your!mother!was!characterized!by!

severe!abuse!or!neglect,!it!is!highly!recommended!that!you!

work!individually!with!a!professional!therapist!who!

specializes!in!trauma!and!attachment.!Take!time!to!

interview!the!therapist!to!make!sure!it!is!a!match.!!

• This!process!takes!time!and!cannot!be!rushed.!Be!

compassionate!with!yourself.!Get!the!support!you!need.!!

You!deserve!it!!

!

About!Bethany!Webster:!!Bethany!Webster!is!a!writer,!international!speaker!and!what!you!

could!call!a!midwife!of!the!heart.!Her!work!is!focused!on!

supporting!women!in!realizing!their!true!identity!as!

consciousness,!claiming!their!brilliance!and!embodying!their!truth!

with!authenticity!and!selfClove.!She!is!the!author!of!the!

forthcoming!book!“Healing$the$Mother$Wound:$Move$Beyond$What$Your$Mother$Never$Gave$You$and$Become$the$Woman$You’re$Meant$to$Be.”!Contact:[email protected]!

Disclaimer:$The$content$of$this$report$is$informational$in$nature$and$intended$to$inspire$women$to$fulfill$their$potential.$The$information$is$based$on$my$own$education,$life$experiences,$memories,$perspectives$and$opinions.$While$I$do$have$degrees$in$psychology,$I$am$not$a$licensed$psychotherapist.$If$you$are$seeking$medical,$professional$or$legal$advice,$please$contact$those$professionals$who$are$licensed$to$provide$that$information.$!

transforming the inner mother

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