tracking tendencies - the anatomy of connection

Tracking

Tendencies

with Dr. Kim Blackham

2

© Dr. Kim Blackham, LMFT 2016 1


It is easy to misinterpret your partner’s behavior. Pursuer’s behavior is often

blaming and critical—which can communicate to the withdrawing partner that

he/she can’t ever do anything right. When the withdrawing partner pulls away and

doesn’t engage in the relationship, the pursuing partner often feels lonely and

begins to believe that he or she does not matter.

Pursuers Withdrawers

My partner doesn’t understand I can’t ever get it right.

I’m shut out. I try to FIX it, but it doesn’t work.

My feelings don’t matter….I don’t

matter.

I’m failing….there’s just no point

It’s lonelier than living alone. I go behind my wall and numb out.

I yell to get a response;

any response is better than no

response.

I just try and stay calm and keep

things from blowing up.

Pursuers vs. Withdrawers




Spectrum of Reactivity

Characteristics of a Pursuer

Characteristics of a Withdrawer

Can be blaming and critical Can be defensive

Anxious when faced with

disconnection

Anxious when faced with

conflict

Response may seem out of

proportion to the situation

Response may seem cold and

unfeeling

Feels the relationship matters

more to them than to their

partner

Appears to not care as much

about the relationship

Raises emotional intensity as a

result of the distress

Dials down emotions in order

to cope with distress

Moves towards the partner

during moments of

disconnection

Pulls away, shuts down,

disengages when things are

not going well

Desperately wants to matterDesperately wants to get it

right

P W



When things go wrong in our relationship…

Become hypervigilant

Yell

Criticize

Blame

Complain

Try anything to get a response

Withdraw

Shut down

Walk away

Become defensive

Go into a shell

What do I do?

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________



Reflecting on The Still Face Video:

What were your impressions as you watched The Still Face video of the mother and

the baby?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

What did you notice as you watched the baby?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Describe the ways you could relate to either the mother, the baby, or both.

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Did you learn anything about your partner in watching the video?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________




I feel angry

I feel frustrated

I feel jealous

I feel vengeful

I feel like a victim

I feel panicky

I feel defensive

I feel helpless

I feel anxious

Other:

_______________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________

I feel numb

I feel overwhelmed

I feel detached

I feel guarded

I feel flooded with emotion

I feel unable to calm myself

I feel blank

I feel empty

I feel hopeless

How do I feel? What are the harsher, reactive, surface emotions?

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________




I feel inadequate

I feel lonely

I feel afraid

I feel hurt

I feel overwhelmed

I feel unappreciated

I feel desperate

I feel panicky

I feel rejected

I feel small

I feel scared

I feel unable to calm myself down

I feel guarded

Other: _______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

I feel shut out

I feel hopeless

I feel numb

I feel detached

I feel pushed away

I feel stupid

I feel childish

I feel pathetic

I feel deficient

I feel smothered

I feel abandoned

I feel misunderstood

I feel confused

Underneath the reactivity, what are the softer, more vulnerable feelings?

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________



Anger Iceberg

Anger

EXERCISE:

Using the answers on the last two pages, fill in your anger iceberg. Your partner may

only see the anger and frustration. You may have previously only been aware of the

anger and frustration. But what is happening below the surface?




My chest feels tight

There is a lump in my throat

I get sick to my stomach

I get a headache

My neck and shoulders start to ache

My heart starts racing

My whole body goes tense

I feel an urge to get up and move away

My mind starts racing

There is a burning sensation in my chest

Other: _______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

Where do I feel those emotions in my body?

__________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________



Using an image or metaphor, describe what happens inside you when your relationship is in distress:



What conclusions do I come to about myself?

__________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________


I don’t matter

I’ll never get it right

I’m not important

Maybe no one could love me

I’m failing as a partner

I’ll never be enough

I’m invisible

I’m unworthy of love and belonging

I’ll let you down

It’s always my fault

Other: __________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

My partner could find

someone better

I’ll never measure up

Other people are more

than me (more interesting,

more successful, more

beautiful, etc.)

I’m not loveable



What conclusions do I come to about my partner?

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________


My partner is a jerk

My partner doesn’t know how to feel anything

My partner is selfish

My partner is needy

Other: __________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

What am I most afraid of? _____________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

Eventually you’ll get fed up and find someone who can get it right

You deserve someone better than me

I will disappoint you

You will leave and I will be alone

Other: __________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

End Lesson #2



Begin Lesson #3

Now that you have identified your moves in the cycle, it’s time to put it all

together.

Look at the example we discussed in the video on the following page. If

you need to, go back and review the video to remember how this all fits

together.

Then on the next page, begin to plug your answers onto your own cycle

map. Use the previous pages to help you know what to put on each line.

After your cycle map is filled out, put your answers into the conversation

exercise. It may feel redundant to transfer your answers onto the map

and the conversation sheet, but it will help make sense of how you get

stuck.

After you have filled out the conversation sheet, read over the

conversation Michelle and John had with each other about their own side

of the cycle. You will then participate in the conversation exercise with

your partner.



What do I do?

What do I feel?(Harsher, more reactive emotions)

What do I feel underneath?(Softer, more vulnerable feelings)

What do I think about myself?(Harsher, more reactive emotions)

What am I most afraid of?

What conclusions do I come to about my partner?

Take your answers from the previous pages and begin to fill them in on this

cycle map. At this point, you are only filling in your side of the map.

Don’t add your partner’s answers yet. Use the sample maps to help guide

you. **

Remember, the things we experience above the line are the things we are

more consciously aware of. We are usually much less aware of what is

happening below the line. Once you fill in the answers on this page, you can

transfer them to the larger cycle map on page 20. The larger map is for you

to laminate or put in a sheet protector and hang where you will see it often—

the fridge, your bathroom mirror, etc.

PARTNER 1

PARTNER 2

What do I do?

What conclusions do I come to about my

partner?

What do I feel?(Harsher, more reactive

emotions)

What do I feel underneath?(Softer, more vulnerable

feelings)

What do I think about myself?(Harsher, more reactive

emotions)

What am I most afraid of?



Putting it all together

Now that you’ve been able to identify your role in the cycle, it’s time to put it together with your partner and understand how you get stuck.

Fill in the blanks below:

When we are disconnected, I ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Insert what you do. Look at page 4 for the answers you have already discovered. i.e. I start complaining and get really critical of you, or I tune you out and walk away.)

In those moments, I feel so ________ ______________________________________________(Insert secondary/reactive emotions you identified on pg. 6)

Underneath the harsh emotion, I am really feeling __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________(Insert softer, primary emotions you identified on pg. 7)

It’s hard for me to show you that though. So instead, I _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Insert what you do. Look at page 4 for the answers you have already discovered. i.e. I start complaining and get really critical of you or I tune you out and walk away. This is the same answer you listed in the first question above.)

I begin to think that I’m ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________(Insert what conclusions you come to about yourself from page 11)

Which makes me afraid that ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________(Insert fear from pg. 12)



Look at the cycle map example discussed in the lesson video. It’s also

included in the workbook on page 14. I have plugged those same

behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and fears into the following blanks.

MICHELLE:

When we are disconnected, I start blaming and get really critical. (Behavior)

In those moments, I feel so angry and frustrated. (secondary/reactive emotions)

Underneath the anger and frustration, I am really feeling sad and alone. It’s hard for me to show you that though. It’s easier to show the anger.

I begin to think that I don’t matter. (Conclusions you come to about yourself).

I’m afraid that if I don’t matter, you will eventually leave or it will be too painful for me to stay and I will be alone. (Fear of Abandonment)

It’s hard for me to show you all of that. And sometimes it happens so quickly

that I’m not even aware of what is going on. But when I blame and criticize, it

is not because you’re always doing it wrong or that I don’t want to be with you.

It’s because you are the most important part of my life and it makes me afraid

to think of continuing to live in disconnection.

EXAMPLE



Look at the cycle map example discussed in the lesson video. It’s also

included in the workbook on page 14. I have plugged those same

behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and fears into the following blanks.

JOHN:

When we are disconnected, I usually get defensive and then I walk away or tune you out. (Behavior)

In those moments, I feel so angry and frustrated. (secondary/reactive emotions)

Underneath the anger and frustration, I am really feeling sad and overwhelmed. I don’t know how to fix it. It’s hard for me to show you that though. It’s easier to show the anger.

I begin to think that I’m not a good enough husband for you. That no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough. (Conclusions you come to about yourself).

I’m afraid that if I’m not enough, eventually you will give up on me and find someone who can make you happy. (Fear of Rejection)

It’s hard for me to show you all of that. When I get angry, I often don’t

know what is happening underneath all of that. But that’s why I withdraw

and defend. It’s too much for me to know you are unhappy with me. That’s

how much you matter to me. So I distance myself.

EXAMPLE CONTINUED


Your job as the listening partner is to seek to understand. Stay

curious! This may be very new for you. It makes sense that you may

have assumed your partner’s behavior meant something very different

than what you are now hearing.

If you have never had these kinds of conversations before, remember the

backwards bike. It may feel awkward at first, but eventually it will feel

more natural than doing it the old way.



Five strategies to help you get out of your cycle.

1. See it. You’ve already done this as you’ve mapped out your cycle.

Continue to watch for it when it comes up in your day-to-day lives.

2. Name it. Sit together and come up with a name for your cycle. (i.e.

Hurricane, Tornado, Quicksand, Crazy Cycle, Spiral)

3. Stop it. Next time you see your cycle come up, stop it before it spins

you out of control. “I can tell we are going to get stuck in quicksand if

we keep going like this. Let’s stop and do this differently.”

4. Own it. Once you stop the cycle, it’s important to claim your own

moves in the cycle. What is it that you do that contributes to the

distress.

“It’s true. I do get blaming and critical. I can say some really mean

things. I realize now that when I say those hurtful things, the message

I send to you is that you are not good enough for me.”

“I realize that when I withdraw from you, the message I send is that you

are invisible or that you don’t matter to me. I thought I was keeping

the peace by not engaging in the fight. Now I realize by not engaging, I

left you hurting and alone.”.



Five strategies continued….

5. Get it. This is one of the hardest steps, but perhaps, the most

important. Getting your cycle is about understanding why your partner

does what he or she does. It’s understanding all the layers your

partner is experiencing. Your partner doesn’t withdraw because you

don’t matter! Your partner withdraws because you matter so much.

Your partner doesn’t blame and criticize because you can’t get it right.

Your partner is aching for love and attention and the blame and

criticism is a reaction to the loneliness and longing

Remember:

• What looks like indifference is really a sense of inadequacy.

• What looks like disappointment and disgust is really desperation.

• What looks cold and unfeeling is really a fear a failing.

• What looks needy and demanding, is really a fear of losing you.


tracking tendencies - the anatomy of connection

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