1. Today, we mailed to you an information packet on our latest course offerings.

1. Today, we mailed to you an information packet on our latest course offerings.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?:

The sentence is in “we” view; doesn’t tell the audience what they want to know; doesn’t say when the info packet should arrive.

 Revision:

You should receive an information packet with our latest course offerings on Thursday.

2. Because you were late to the meeting, we assigned you to work the polling booth at 7am on Saturday.

 

2. Because you were late to the meeting, we assigned you to work the polling booth at 7am on Saturday.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

“you” is used – (in negative situations, the reader should be deemphasized)

“you” is used – singles out the reader (refer to the group instead)

Revision: Anyone late to the meeting is working the polling booth at 7am

on Saturday.

3. I hope you understand that we are very interested in hiring you for the position.

 

3. I hope you understand that we are very interested in hiring you for the position.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

Is in “we” view (when it’s positive, should be in “you” view)

 Revision:

You are an excellent candidate for the position.

4. We made an error in your favor, so you’ll be getting a refund of $12.72.

 

4. We made an error in your favor, so you’ll be getting a refund of $12.72.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

Is in “we” view;Unnecessary negative, omit (possibly)Doesn’t indicate what the reader wants to know

Revision:

Due to the error, you will get a refund of $12.72 on June 1, 2014.

5. Susan Brightman said she wouldn’t accept the job offer unless the salary was increased by $10,000.

 

5. Susan Brightman said she wouldn’t accept the job offer unless the salary was increased by $10,000.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

stated in the negative Revision:

Susan Brightman will accept the job offer if the salary is increased by $10,000.

6. Just in case one of our employees is unreliable, we should prepare a backup plan for an unfortunate problems that might arise.

 

6. Just in case one of our employees is unreliable, we should prepare a backup plan for an unfortunate problems that might arise.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

Unnecessary negativeSingles out employeesDoesn’t include reader benefit (phrased positively)

 Revision:

We should prepare a backup plan to ensure the process goes smoothly.

7. Even though our meeting took considerable time and was inconvenient, I enjoyed chatting with you on Saturday. Your plan isn’t missing anything important and doesn’t make me worry about its feasibility.

 

7. Even though our meeting took considerable time and was inconvenient, I enjoyed chatting with you on Saturday. Your plan isn’t missing anything important and doesn’t make me worry about its feasibility.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

unnecessary negativesPhrasing is negative (should be flipped to positive)

 Revision:

Our meeting was successful on Saturday. Your plan includes the important information and is feasible.

8. Please notify the publisher of the magazine of your change of address as soon as possible to prevent a disruption of subscription service.

 

8. Please notify the publisher of the magazine of your change of address as soon as possible to prevent a disruption of subscription service.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

doesn’t include reader benefit (it’s phrased as negative)negative phrasing

 Revision:

Please notify the publisher of the magazine about the address change to ensure delivery.

9. I was Treasurer of the Accounting Club. Of course, we didn’t have much money so I didn’t have much responsibility, but I was able to put into practice principles I learned in the classroom.

9. I was Treasurer of the Accounting Club. Of course, we didn’t have much money so I didn’t have much responsibility, but I was able to put into practice principles I learned in the classroom.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

unnecessary negative Revision:

Being the former Treasurer of the Accounting Club, I was able to put into practice principles I learned in the classroom.

10. If you submitted a travel request, as you claim, we have failed to receive it.

10. If you submitted a travel request, as you claim, we have failed to receive it.

 What’s wrong with the sentence?: 

Negative wording.Hostile phrasingDoesn’t tell the reader what they need to know or can do.

Revision: We have not received the travel request. Please submit a new form by June 1.