tips for courting christians

Tips for courting ChristiansHonesty and Transparency in Courtship

Communication at all levels – about the past, present and future – should be completely honest and transparent in courtship. Not only is this type of communication vital to a marriage, the lack of that type of communication can be devastating to a relationship. You might be asking, “What does this kind of communication have to do with love and intimacy?” More than you might think. It is very difficult to be sexually intimate with someone who is secretive about their past. It is also difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone who refuses to open up and share who he or she is and what he dreams, desires or hopes. Basically, if honesty and transparency in communication are not established in a marriage relationship, there is typically little or no chance for intimacy and romance in that relationship.

My Question For You:Are you completely open and honest with your spouse or spouse-to-be?

My Challenge For You:If you are in a courting relationship, it would be wise for you to establish an open and honest line of communication with your future spouse before you get married. If you wait until later, you may find it very difficult to go back and fix.

Desirable Things to Expect During Dating

In a dating relationship, there are several things you can expect to happen as a natural consequence of spending time with that person. If these things aren’t happening in your dating relationship, it is possible that your relationship is not one that will lead to marriage.

A Desire to Listen and a Growing Ease in Communication

Is the person you’re dating genuinely interested in what you have to say, do they pretend to listen to you or do they just not listen at all? A man who truly knows how to listen has the capacity to continue to listen.

A Growing Feeling of Endearment

One of the things that happen when you begin to have feelings of endearment in a dating relationship is the desire to call your mate by pet names. This stems from a desire to protect and comfort that person. If you don’t feel those things toward the person you are dating or you don’t find yourself feeling affection to the point that it overflows into your vocabulary, reconsider your relationship.

A Lack of Pressure

The person you are dating should not pressure you to do things that are wrong. Furthermore, they should not pressure you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, even though they may not be “wrong”. If you are being pressured in any way to take part in acts you feel are immoral, beware. If the person you are dating is pressuring you, that person’s top priority is something other than obeying God. And if he will not obey God while you are dating as single adults, there is very little likelihood that he will suddenly begin to obey God once you are married.

My Question For You:In your dating relationship, have you noticed the presence of these things? Did they happen consciously or subconsciously? My Challenge For You:Examine your dating relationship very closely. If you have open communication, a growing feeling of endearment and a lack of pressure, the relationship you’re in is worth pursuing. If one or more of those things are lacking, you may want to reconsider.

Made Just for Each Other

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In the Song of Solomon, Solomon said to his wife, “I awakened under the apple tree. There your mother brought you forth; there she who bore you brought you forth” (Song 8:5).

Several images are very strong in this verse. The fig is a symbol of the entire nation of Israel in the Scriptures; it is also a place of meditation. The apple tree, in contrast, is the tree of love. The imagery of this verse sent the message, “Your mother conceived you and birthed you in love just for me.” There was a sense of destiny about the love and the relationship that Solomon’s bride had with Solomon. She saw their relationship as not only God-blessed, but also God-ordained or God-authored. She held the opinion, “Nobody could ever have been more right for me. God selected you to be my husband from your birth.”

In a faithful, committed marriage, this idea should root and grow. If you do not believe that God has brought you together as a couple, and that God engineered all the circumstances and situations that caused you to meet, fall in love, and grow in your love, then you should not marry. Those who are faithfully committed to each other in marriage have a sense that God is in control of every aspect of their lives, and that God has much concern about who they marry and when they marry as they do.

When I look back over my life, I have a strong feeling that God planned from the time Teresa and I were born that we should be together. There is something divine, holy, and supernatural about the joining of our lives. I have the feeling that Adam must have had, knowing that God prepared Eve especially for him and then brought Eve to him. Indeed “what God hath joined, let no man put asunder.”

A man commented to me, “God gave me the wife I needed to have. It hasn’t always been easy, but God knew I need just this kind of woman to bring about some changes and growth in me.” If you ever question whether you married the right person, adopt that man’s attitude. God knows you better than you know yourself, and your spouse may be God’s chosen tool for bringing out the very best that He put in you.

My Question For You:

Do you feel you and your beloved compliment each other?

Do you believe that your beloved was made especially for you?

What are the characteristics your beloved has that compliment you?

Do you have a strong sense of destiny that God brought you and your beloved together?

My Challenge For You:I challenge you to search and find the answers to these questions. If you know in your heart that God has chosen your beloved and brought him/her to you, hold tight to that feeling, believe it, and express to your beloved those feelings. That can make all the difference.


Solomon's Banner

Song 2:4 says, “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love”. This means that the man and woman in the Song of Solomon had a relationship that was very open-to-the-public. The banqueting table was a large area usually occupied by a large number of people. Solomon wasn’t at all ashamed of his relationship with this woman. Is this scripture condoning PDA? Hardly. However, if you are in a dating relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, you should be proud to be seen with that person.

The second part of v. 4 says, “His banner over me is love”. A banner was used in many ways in Scripture and almost all of those ways can be applied to a romantic relationship.

A banner was:

-a mark of identity used in war to identify a king’s troops. When Solomon and the young woman entered the banqueting hall together, there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that they were together. They had openly chosen to be identified with each other.

-a mark of presence used by kings to indicate when they were at home in a particular place or fortress. Just as if Solomon’s banner was physically draped over the young woman’s shoulders, the couple was at home with each other in the midst of that public setting.

-a canopy of spiritual blessings similar to the prayer shawl suspended like a canopy above a Jewish couple being married. This signifies that the two are becoming one flesh, one identity and that what they are doing is good and right before God.

My Question For You:In your dating (or marriage) relationship, do you feel the banner of your mate over you? If so, do you feel it all of the time or only part of the time?

My Challenge For You:Make sure your mate knows that you’re proud to have them and be seen with them. It will do wonders for their self-esteem and in return, for your relationship!

Three Things Required for Successful Dating

If you are going to be successful at dating, you are going to need these three things:

1. TimeDating involves getting to know someone. The best way to get to know someone is by spending time with them. However, there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing”. Avoid spending long periods of time (all day dates) with someone you just started dating. Instead, get to know the person through brief, frequent encounters over a prolonged period. Time away from each other is important – and necessary – to process the information you gain about that person.

2. A “No Strings Attached” PolicyIt is important to maintain a “no strings” attachment too soon in a relationship. I recommend two things. First, go on group dates. Double- and triple-date with friends who are Christians. Watch how your friends respond to your date as well as how your date responds to your friends. Second, stay in public places.

3. RespectThe fastest way to win someone’s attention is to pay them respect. More important than telling someone you love them is to respect them, which shows them that you like them. If you don’t show respect to a woman, she will never believe that you truly like and admire her.

If you want to spend less and less time with a person you are dating, if respect wanes, or if you begin to feel that “strings” are being tied around you so that you no longer feel free to be yourself, back out of the dating relationship. This is not the right person for you!


My Question For You:Does your dating relationship have the three hallmarks of time, a “no strings attached” policy and respect? My Challenge For You:Dating is a time of evaluation. Don’t hurry the process. The more time you spend dating a person the better you are going to know the person and the more likely you will be to make a rational decision about whether this is a person you want to marry.

When Are You Ready to Marry?First, let’s discuss when you are ready to date. This is a common question, especially among young people. The answer is different for everyone. Basically, you are ready to date when you are ready to begin the process of choosing someone to marry or when you have convictions you will not compromise.There are a surprising number of older people – parents and even grandparents – who should never have dated because they lacked the maturity needed to marry. They were not ready for marriage, yet they dated, married and raised children. Until you are mature enough to begin the search for a life mate, I strongly suggest you do not date exclusively. Postpone dating until you are ready to marry.There are four main prerequisites for knowing when to begin dating a person to whom you are attracted:

1. You are ready to date and marry when you have a silhouette in your mind of the kind of person you will choose to marry, and when you have resolved in your heart you will not settle for less.

2. You are ready to date and marry when you do not have to compromise any aspect of your relationship with God in order to be with the person to whom you are attracted.

3. You are ready to date and marry when you are ready to be single rather than to make a bad choice of a marriage partner.

4. You are ready to date and marry when you are becoming the person that your ideal mate is praying about meeting.

My Question For You:Are you truly willing to be single rather than marry a person who is not a Christian or who is not right for you in God’s eyes?

My Challenge For You:Think about the qualities you have to offer a potential mate. Determine whether or not those qualities are ones that your potential mate is praying for you to have.

Value the Time You Spend TogetherIn Song 2:1-3, the woman says, “I am the rose of Sharon, And the lily of the valleys. Like a lily among thorns, So is my love among the daughters. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men.” Notice in this passage that both “rose” and “lily” are singular. Both are rare flowers in the Middle East and bloom quickly and appear only for a brief season. They are highly valued. In the same manner, apple trees are also highly valued and are not frequently cultivated in the Middle East. What do these analogies mean? These two people – Solomon and the woman in his song – were totally caught up in each other’s presence. They were listening to and intensely interested in each other. They saw each other as one of a kind, one in a million, and they valued the time they spent together.

My Question For You:Do you value the time you spend with the person you are dating or do you take it for granted? My Challenge For You:Listen to the person you’re dating. Be “intensely interested” in them. If a person doesn’t listen intently to you during dating, he/she isn’t likely to listen to you intently after you are married, and vice versa.

A Period of Growing Passion


The first indication of sexual passion in the Song of Solomon is in Chapter 2, Verse 5. It says, “Sustain me with raisin cakes, Refresh me with apples, For I am lovesick.” How is this an indication of sexual passion? Let’s take a look at what those lines meant in Solomon’s time. After King David brought the ark of the covenant into Jerusalem, the nation was at peace. After making burnt offerings and peace offerings to God in thanksgiving for the safe arrival of the ark, David distributed a loaf of bread, a piece of meat and a cake of raisins to each person and sent them home. Raisin cakes were highly regarded love enhancers, or aphrodisiacs, in Solomon’s time. In broad terms, David was sending his soldiers home to have dinner and then share good and productive sex with their wives. The “apple” in this verse probably refers more to a pomegranate, a fruit in the same order of fruits as the apple. Pomegranates were considered to be very sexual because they were juicy, ripe, seed-filled and rich in red color – all analogous to sexual organs and the fruitfulness of the human body. The woman was truly lovesick. She couldn’t wait to be with Solomon. She longed for him to cradle her in his arms and could hardly wait to have sexual intercourse with him.

My Question For You:How important is the physical aspect of a relationship to you?

My Challenge For You:This couple wanted each other physically, which is normal and from God, but in dating, it is important that you use restraint and wisdom. For those of you who are married, are you still having these kinds of passionate moments with your spouse?


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