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TILDY

by

Matthew Hurst

based on a story by O. Henry

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INT. BOGLE'S GREASY SPOON CAFE - DAY

A woman's arse to dream of, in low slung jeans and onlypartly covered by bottom of a wipe-clean tabard.

The arse squeezes between fag burnt plastic tables andcheap garden chairs that make up the furniture.

The arse's owner, AILEEN - 22 and knows the rest of her isjust as angelic as her bottom - doesn't mind. She weavestowards the counter at the back of the cafe with a tray ofdirty crockery.

We're in an old school back street greasy spoon, steamedup windows and gummed up sauce bottles. And builders,plumbers, scaffolders.

BURLY BLOKEWhat you doing later love?

AILEENNot you tosspot. Not you.

Laughter. Full English with extra badinage. It's what theycome here for. Hogarth would draw this.

Aileen reaches the counter and puts down her tray next toTILDY - 21, short, dumpy, the anti-Aileen. Tildy's makingup a sausage and bacon roll.

Behind them, the customers settle to their grease andtabloids.

TILDYThey'd get a mug of tea in theirlaps if it was me.

AILEENThey're only having a laugh.

TILDYI couldn't stick all that pawing.

AILEENI'm going out for a fag.

And she does.

Tildy bags up the sausage and bacon roll and takes it tothe front.

TILDYSausage and bacon cob to take out.

Nobody takes any notice.

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2.

TILDY (CONT'D)Sausage and bacon cob to take out.

A burly man gets up. Eyes only for the food.

BURLYThat'll be me. Thanks, Tildy.

And he's gone too.

Tildy stands in the middle of the men. They're all obliviousof her, troughing, chatting, reading.

The door opens and SEEDER steps in and stops dead. Lost.

Early twenties, fresh faced and instantly out of place.Guardian in hand, he looks round to get his bearings.

Over the diners' heads, and straight into Tildy's eyes.

Tildy quickly breaks away and returns behind the counterto her fry ups.

Seeder follows her, looking round him like he's landed onMars.

TILDYYes babes, what can I get you?

SEEDERPlease may I have a sausage in aroll. Please.

Tildy smiles at the 'please may I have', the Guardian, thenerves, the 'roll' not 'cob'.

TILDYCourse you can babes. 1.50.

Seeder pays, hovers nervously near the counter.

TILDY (CONT'D)Take a seat. I'll bring it over.

Seeder finds a seat and unfolds his Guardian. Not makingany eye contact.

Tildy puts some sausages on, heaps up another couple offull Englishes on plates just as Aileen returns.

Without stopping, in one smooth move, she picks up theplates and wiggles down the cafe to the recipients.

All eyes on her again.

Tildy checks - including Seeder's. Smiles to herself.

Men.

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3.

INT. BOGLE'S GREASY SPOON CAFE - LATER

Empty, after the morning rush.

Aileen swabs the floor down, Tildy scrubs the frying plate.

Aileen's phone beeps a text message. Tildy pretends not to

watch as Aileen wriggles it the phone out of her jeans andchecks it.

AILEENFucking perv.

TILDYWhat's he said?

AILEENIt's not what he's said.

She shows Tildy the screen of her phone.

TILDYWhich one is it? I can't see hisface.

AILEENBeans on toast. By the door.

TILDYIt's only his chest.

AILEENThis time.

TILDYYou mean other times...?

Aileen pulls an 'oh yes missus' face.

TILDY (CONT'D)No.

(shocked and thrilledoff Aileen's look)

You love it!

AILEENAnd you wouldn't?

TILDYNo. No. Course I wouldn't. Don'tbe silly.

She turns back to her scrubbing.

AILEENYou should talk to him you know.

TILDYWho?

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4.

AILEEN'Who?' She says....

TILDYNo. No. Him? No. Don't be silly.

Smiling, secretly thrilled by the thought.

INT. BOGLE'S GREASY SPOON CAFE - NEXT DAY

Past the morning peak but still busy. Aileen holds courtwith mugs of milky coffee and plates of fried bread.

Tildy - a bit more make up, ear rings - collates plates offull English with skill and efficiently.

Speeder takes a seat with his Guardian.

He tries to catch Aileen's eye. Aileen makes sure he can't.

At the counter:

AILEENHe's back. Please may you do hissausage again.

TILDYWhat's his order?

AILEENYou get it.

And she goes back to Carry On waitress with the builders.

SEEDER(to Aileen)

Excuse me, miss -

AILEEN(re Tildy)

She'll serve you. She's calledTildy.

Seeder looks at Tildy. Tildy looks at Seeder. No choice

now.

Tildy makes her way over there.

SEEDERPlease may I have a sausage in a r -a sausage cob, please.

TILDY(re Guardian)

Don't see many of those here.

SEEDERI'm a law student. Was. Justfinished.

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5.

TILDYWhat are you doing now?

SEEDERI'm driving a van, just for thesummer, it's -

Aileen's arse sashays past, and Seeder's gaze follows it.

Tildy's lost him again. She sighs.

TILDYGood. Good. I'll get your roll.


Emptied out. Tildy and Aileen clear up.

AILEEN

So?

TILDYHe's a student.

AILEENAnd?

TILDYHe's driving a van over the summerholidays.

AILEENHard worker.

TILDYOh for God's sake.

AILEENGood prospects. With a degree.

TILDYHe's not interested in me.

AILEEN

Is that why you put the slap on?

TILDYNo. No. I didn't. Don't be silly.


In full swing.

Aileen's fanclub are in.

She plonks a heap of fry up in front of a large bloke.

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6.

OLD BUILDERBloody haute cuisine that is. Gotanything else I can get me teethinto while you're at it?

AILEENLeave'em in your tea mug when you're

done and I'll see.

As she squeezes past Tildy on the way back to the counter.

TILDYEgg, chips, beans and a sausage?

YOUNG BURLY BLOKEOver here, love.

There's just a hint of sashay in Tildy's walk as she takesit over to him.

YOUNG BURLY BLOKE (CONT'D)Careful love you'll spill me beans.

AILEENCareful yourself, she's a takenwoman.

TILDYAileen!

AILEENShe's got a gentleman admirer.Haven't you, Tildy?

Ironic(ish) cheers from the fanclub.

TILDYShe's full of it.

AILEENYou know that young lad been inthe last couple of mornings?

YOUNG BURLY BLOKE

Quiet one with the newspaper?

AILEENYeah. He's going to be a lawyer.

More cheers.

TILDYThere's nothing going on!

Tildy flees back to Aileen at the counter.

The biggest grin of her life on her face.

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7.

AT THE COOKER

Tily joins Aileen stacking up plates for washing.

AILEENBloody chimpanzees tea party.

TILDYI'll just have to get used to it.

AILEENYou think?

TILDYWell you have. Mind you. He's notbeen in this morning yet.

They continue plate stacking.


Empty. Closing up time.

Aileen wipes surfaces down.

Tildy slams furniture around as she tidies up.

AILEENHe's a van driver right?

TILDYHe's a git.

AILEENHe's probably delivering somewhereaway.

TILDYBovvered? Am I?

She manages a smile.

Aileen heads to the back of the cafe just as -

Seeder lurches in. Excited and animated as never before.

SEEDERTildy!

Tildy smiles before she can stop herself.

TILDYYou didn't forget us then.

SEEDERNever. I had to pick up my results.

And then we've all been celebrating.All night.

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8.

TILDYWere they - ?

SEEDERA two one.

TILDY

Is that good?

SEEDERConsidering I did no work,inconceivably good. The world ismy oyster. A gleaming shining oysterof potential.

TILDY(taken aback byoutpouring)

Well done you then.

Seeder suddenly grabs her and kisses her. Hard. And atlength.

Tildy melts, and kisses back. Shocked, but in a good way.

Finally Seeder lets go and takes a step back, staring atTildy.

Shocked, but not in a good way.

He makes a break for the door, knocking over chairs andtables along the way.

He's out of the door.

Tildy stares, still in shock.

As the door slams behind Seeder:

AILEENBloody hell. Is he out of Millsand Boon?

TILDY

Aileen? What was that about?

AILEENPassion.

TILDYBut he ran off.

AILEENYou're flustered. He's flustered.He'll be back.

End on baffled Tildy.

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9.


Another morning in full swing. Aileen's fanclub are in.

Aileen scoops up dirty plates from Old Builder's table.

Her mobile beeps and puts the plates down to wriggle it

out of her jeans.

Checks the screen.

AILEENAll right, which one of you muckybuggers sent this?

Laughter and no one owns up.

Someone tries to grab the phone and Aileen dodges.

BEHIND THE COUNTER

Tildy looks up from scraping plates into the bin at thefun and games.

Then across at the table Seeder used. It's empty andpristine.

She goes back to scraping plates.

Aileen makes it back to the counter, and shoves the phoneunder her nose.

AILEEN (CONT'D)Mucky bugger, isn't he.

(off Tildy's non-reaction)

He'll be back. Trust me.

TILDYWill he bollocks. Three days it'sbeen. Give me some credit, Aileen.

Aileen's phone beeps again.

From his table:

YOUNG BURLY BLOKE(shouting)

You might prefer that one, love.

Aileen gives him the finger.

AILEEN(to Tildy)

It's my fault. I should never haveencouraged you.

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10.

TILDYBollocks. Are you going to getthat bacon, or just let it burn?

Aileen grabs at the bacon, keeping a worried eye on Tildy.


Aileen and Tildy with coats on, locking the door, ready togo.

Seeder rushes up to the door. Tildy lets him in, makes aslight move towards him but he draws back.

AILEEN(to Tildy)

I'll leave you with your gentlemancaller. I'm having a fag out theback.

And goes, leaving Tildy grinning at Seeder. Happy.

TILDYWell hello stranger.

SEEDERI didn't mean to be. I mean, I wasaway and then -

TILDYYou're back now anyhow. We staggeredon without you.

SEEDERI had to come back.

TILDYI'm glad you did.

SEEDERAre you? Thing is, there's somethingI want to say to you.

Tildy keeps quiet. Let the man speak. She's learning these

things.

SEEDER (CONT'D)I'm sorry.

TILDYSorry?

SEEDERFor the other day.

TILDY

It's okay, you didn't -

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11.

SEEDERI did though. And I shouldn't have.Just grabbing you and kissing you.There's no justification for justmauling a woman around like that.I mean it's not, you know, politicalcorrectness, it's just manners. To

treat another human being as such.

Tildy stares. Not what she was expecting.

SEEDER (CONT'D)In mitigation, God I don't mean tobe legalese. You know what I mean.I'd been out with friends, andwe'd be drinking and there wassome dope and I'm pretty sure Itook some of that meow meow stuff,not that I've ever done before. I

was off my tits, basically.(beat)I didn't know what I was doing,otherwise I'd never have kissedyou. So I'm sorry. From the heart.

Tildy hastily pulls up a chair so she can sit down suddenlyinto it.

SEEDER (CONT'D)So. Um. Yeah. That's it. I'd bettergo.

He goes, leaving Tildy sitting there stock still.

AILEEN (O.S.)Gentleman caller my arse.

Aileen is behind Tildy, back at the counter.

Tildy starts to cry. Aileen goes to her.

AILEEN (CONT'D)He's fucking flattened you.

TILDYNo. No. Don't be silly. He wasjust apologising.

AILEENIf he'd have been a gentleman,he'd have never apologised.

FADE OUT:

tildy

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