thoughtless by t.z. carbim
TRANSCRIPT
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Table of Contents
Poetry
What Shall We Be Called..4
If You Knew...5
To the Grim Reaper.6
What is it for the Future7
Have You?.....................................................................................................................................8
Boogie Man..9
Talking to a 99%er..............................................................................................................................10
Begging11
When Im Grown13
Dark Child..14
RoRo15
The Parent Game.16
Heaven the Hell.17
Questioning Love..18
Playing With Devils Angels..19
Who am I?.......................................................................................................................................20
Hater21
Universal Childhood..22
Beautiful Music.23
Throwing in Blues.24
Lil Piece of Chocolate25
Presenting: EVOL..26
Runaway.27
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What Shall We Be Called
What shall we be called?
We are not niggers
Not all of us are ignorant
We are all human
Not less than
What shall we be called?
Though my skin is Negro
I am not one
We are not just black
Our skin comes in colors
Only the rainbow knows
What shall we be called?
We are not colored
That applies to anybody with a tan
We are not African-Americans
That does not hold us
We live all over
And nationality does not control us
What shall we be called?
Coon, pickananny, spook
That is not us
Pain and shame
Is not our name
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If You Knew
If you knew
Who I really am inside
Would you be my friend?
Would you take my side
In a fight
Known as life
That many struggle in
Most people lose
But some work to win
I work to win
But then again
I know I was born to fail
If you knew me
And I knew you
Would we be cool?
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To The Grim Reaper
An enemy in most eyes
In the last five
You took more lives
From my family
Than I can count
On one hand
And its hard to understand
But youre really just a victim
Of circumstance
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What is it for the future
What is it for the future
When the youth dont even know
Who they want to be
And where they want to go
What is it for the future
When a man is not a father
His children are going hungry
And he doesnt even bother
What is it for the future
When the girls dont even know
That life isnt just about fashion
And having jewelry a flashing
What is for the future
When even the children know we are dying
The parents arent going to hide it
Cuz there aint no use in lying
What is it for the future
I have no clue
But I am praying things go well
How about you?
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Have You?
Have you ever tasted colors
Blue orange and yellow
Smelt emotions
Like loneliness
Or even mellow
Saw breath breathe
Into words,
They inflate to the point of bursting
But never do
Have you
Heard pictures
Showing beautiful things
And vivid scenes
That blend together
And make you think
Touched air
That was thick
Smooth and silky
Yet rough as sandpaper
That slipped through your fingers
Like water
I didnt think so
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Boogie Man
Im not scared of the boogie man
Of sharp teeth
Or piercing eyes
Of monsters under my bed
Or things
That make others cry
No
Im not scared of the boogie man
Why not?
Well why should I?
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Talking to a 99%er
-Whatcha doing?
-Im protesting the rich
-Why?
-Cuz they have all the wealth, what about the rest of us? I have a degree and I still cant get a
job.
-Oh. Whats that?
-An application for McDonalds
-Why dont you work there?
-What would I look like working at McDonalds?
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Begging
5 a.m. I wake
and already the streets are full
Sneakers pound concrete
And the ball slaps the court across the street
And busy people walk past me hurriedly
I beg and sometimes it reaches
Mostly it falls on deaf ears
A woman walks past with a stroller
Another baby pulling on her shirt
She looks at me in disgust
And pulls her baby closer
Change clangs in my cup
And I only see a penny
Soon the traffic decreases
The suits are all working
And kids are at school
A young man skipping school wanders pass
He stops in front of me and smiles
He sits right beside me
He chats with me awhile
After our talk is finished
He drops a ten in my cup
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I stay on the corner for a hour
Before I finally get some food
my first meal in a week
After I finish eating
I head to the library and read
Back to the corner I go
The suits are on their way home
Many are generous today
They give me ones, and drop quarters
Once the day is over
I go back to my box
and wait for tomorrow to begin
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~ 13 ~
When Im Grown
When Im grown
Imma have more money than I can count
Imma live in Harlem
Where jazz and blues used to sound
Imma read Langston Hughes
And
Listen to Tupac and Nas
Ev-er-y-day
In my big ole place
When Im grown
Things will be sweet
No more depression
n poverty
For me
Nope
When Im grown
Everything will be fly
And the place I mentioned above
Will be high
In the New York sky
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Dark Child
Po lil black child
Wit coal dark skin
Po lil black child
That wont let
Nobody in
Po lil black child
That cries
Alone at night
Po lil black child
Waiting for her
White knight
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RoRo
Mama
Silly and funny
Always there to help me
And always loving
Always believing
Cuz being deceiving aint your style
And Im happy to be your fourth grandchild
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The Parent Game
Mystery man behind door number 1
Am I your daughter
And my brother your son
Are you sorry you left
And trying your best?
Mystery man behind the 2nd
door
Are you funny
Or a total bore
Will you help mommy pay the bills
Or sitting round drinking with time to kill
Mystery man behind door number 3
Of you Im quite weary
Confusing and childish
And doubting of yourself
Are you ready to be a father
Or will you need help
Well lets see whats the answer
To our mystery
Its contestant number 3
Whoope!
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Heaven the Hell
When the time comes
And Im bowing at the feet of my lord
Will he look at my soul
With disgust and scorn
I wonder if hell accept me
Or will my neglecting
of his word
Place me in the inferno
I wonder
If Heaven accepts sinners like me
Or do we live forever
In misery
I wonder if those baptized in the water
And drunken on liquor
In church on Sunday
And doing wrong on Saturday
Get to paradise
Or do they go to hell
When they die
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Questioning Love
I wonder what love is like
For many years Ive heard
Im too young
Too dumb
That I dont understand
And I dont understand
Why does it make people sing?
And jump around like fools?
If you ask me
In my own opinion
Love is for complete fools
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Playing With Devils Angels
Chubby brown hands
Meet bony red ones
Childish giggles
Mingle with unholy cackles
A babys grin
Shines on a demons smug smirk
A brown woman comes in and shrieks in fear
How could she let a devils angel come near
Her precious gift, GOD had given her
(What the good Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away)
How could she let it play
With her precious baby
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Who Am I?
Who am I?
But some kid
With a pretty smile
And dark skin
Who am I?
But a poet
Musician, philosopher
Writer, dreamer
Who am I?
But another person
Just trying to get by
And when it gets too hard
Trying not to cry
Who am I?
Who am I?
Dont worry about me
Who are you?
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Hater
Why you like that?
Saying Im nobody
Why you like that?
Think you the boss of everybody
Why you like that?
Act as if you royalty
Resting on a lavender throne
With a crown on your dome
Why you like that?
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Universal Childhoods
I bet theres an African Tribe
With kids just like me
That act stupid and silly
Just like me
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Beautiful Music
Hi hats hit
And bass drums kick
Ive never felt as I do
Making beautiful music
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Throwing in the Blues
The sax, the bass, the keys
Come together in synchronized harmony
And on the stage
Ole boy plays
The blues
Using his voice
He tells us
The news
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A Lil Piece of Chocolate
Life is like chocolate
It begins sweet, smooth, and protected
Slowly our wrapper is shed
And our innocence is exposed to the world
Then,
Slow as molasses,
We are devoured whole
By a world whos only goal
Is to revel in the sweetness of life
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Presenting: EVOL
Speak no evil
Itll show itself to you
And whisper in your ear
See no evil
Itll coax you to speak
And tell you jokes
Hear no evil
It will use your voice
And uncover your eyes
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Runaway
Im packing a bag
Heading for the road
And Im never coming back
Im sick of school
And teachers that dont really care
Im sick of home
Cuz nobodies ever there
Im running away
With nothing but some cash
And the clothes on my back
Im running away
And never coming back!
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The Escape Clause
I wish there was a button I can hit
A big red button
With a skull and crossbones on it
It would pause it all
Maybe even reset a few days
Cuz its hard to carry on some days
Wish I had an escape clause
A get out of jail free card
Wouldnt life be better
If time could just
Pause
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Denial
So, what you saying
Nah, you just playing
What, I just saw him yesterday
Man, this aint no subject to play about
Yo, its not funny
Please, stop saying that
No, Im not crying, my eyes are just running
No, he still alive
Why, did he have to die
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Square, Loser, Poser
Yo, I aint no square. I just dont think you should swear. Nah, I aint no punk.
Not You
My are
Fault nothing
You but
Flunked. Scum.
Im not a poser. Just because Im not putting knives in toasters. Youre a bum.
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Life is Life
The world bows as pain vibrates
The sun goes down as it fills with hate
The world fills with snakes
That come up from lakes
The moon turns red and lies in wait
We bury our dead and we cry for days
In our head we weigh
The pros and cons
Of life and death
The trees sway as life disintegrates
In the last days we burst and deflate
And then we restart like a game
With a fresh, clean, slate
The world bows as pain vibrates
The moon turns red and lies in wait
The trees sway as life disintegrates
But life is life at the end of the day
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Dedication to Etta James
(All I Could Do Was Cry)
Your mans getting married
And all you can do is cry
But hes just a man
Nothing to die
Over
To him your just another score
So move on
Plenty men in the world
No reason to cry
Cuz theres more men
Than stars in the sky
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Hate, Love
A flourish of hate
A decrease of love
We shoot more guns
And give less hugs
Better off in a place of joy, kisses love
Than a place of hate, violence, thugs
More kids enjoying life
Instead of turning to drugs
And playing with knives
A flourish love
A decrease of hate
Is better then and never equates
More hate
Than love
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Building Thoughts
Thoughts build
One on top
Another
Like build blocks
That lean on each other
Cuz a bad base
Leaves them falling
Into the blackness of outer space
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Stories
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Obsessions
My mother always told me not to play with fire, but she also always told me not to steal
and I was doing both of them. Here I was stuffing box after box of matches into my jacket
pocket. I stopped only when I heard someone coming toward me. I quickly turned to the boxes
of tents directly behind me and pretended to be interested. A man in a suit and tie walked over
and stared at the tents with a clueless look on his face. I chuckled before walking off and out of
the store.
Im not sure where my love of flames came from but playing with and controlling fire
always gives me a rush. Just staring at a flame will make my day. My love of stealing, on the
other hand, is easy to trace. When I was six I took a lone toy car off the shelf at Wal-Mart and
just walked out with it. I realized that I could get whatever I wanted, for free, and all I had to do
was take it.
How those two obsessions led me to this is a long and complicated story. Here I was a
sixteen year old, still chilling in the park setting stuff on fire. I wanted desperately to stop but
the pyromaniac in me was in control and anything I could find was set aflame. An empty crayon
box, a handful of plastic straws and a boatload of paper from the notebooks in my backpack were
sent up in flames. After one box was emptied it was thrown in the fire and another was opened.
The matches lit with a simple flick of my wrist.
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Even though I had been in the park watching stuff burn for two hours my appetite for the
orange flames werent fulfilled. I quickly went in search of more things to burn. I felt like a
fiend that needed a fix. In a way, I was, a pyro trying to get my next fire fix.
An evil smile appeared on my face when I wondered upon two shoeboxes just lying near
two huge trees in the front of the park. I licked my lips and my body shook with anticipation at
the thought of lighting up the two boxes. I didnt go to the safe spot in the back of the park where
no one could see me. I was so set on burning the boxes that I just lit them up in front of the tall
trees. I fed pieces of paper to the flames, wanting them to get higher. I threw a fistful of twigs in
the fire and grabbed a broken branch and encouraged the flames. Soon it was close to the height
of the middle of my knees. I laughed manically at it. I had no control of myself and on the inside
I was terrified. I tried to will myself to stomp out the flame but I couldnt.
A saw blue lights in the distance. 5-0! Instead of throwing dirt on the steady growing fire
like I should of, I stared at my creation. I didnt have the heart to destroy it. I had worked so hard
to get it like this and I wasnt going to kill it. I stared defiantly at the cops that were approaching
me. They told me to extinguish the flames but I didnt really hear them. The fire was controlling
me, cutting off all my senses. My whole body felt numb and I barely noticed when the flame
danced at the tail of my shirt. It lapped at it like a puppy a few times before the shirt slowly
started to catch.
In the distance I heard the cops yelling something. More flames tickled me. My jeans
caught and the intense heat on my legs and belly finally bought me to my senses. I screamed at
the top of my lungs. I didnt stop, drop, and roll, like I was always taught. I stood there
screaming until I passed out from the pain.Dang, done in by my obsession.
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Moonlight in a Cup
I was sitting on the stoop with Gram-Gram and you know what she asked me?
Rochelle, go get me some moonlight in a cup.
I couldnt believe she asked me that. I asked her what she meant, but she gave me no
answer and just repeated her demand.
Go get me some moonlight in a cup, baby.
She wanted it. By midnight. There was no way to change her mind, or convince her it
was impossible. She wanted moonlight in a cup. I asked her how to do it and she told me to get
my brother, Rodney, so he could help me.
Me and Rodney sitting on the stoop with Gram-Gram now. Rodney is all kinds of
excited. Hes only six and has always got a Kool-Aid man smile on his chubby face. Gram-Gram
tells Rodney to get her bible and he does. She takes a faded piece of paper out her bible and
hands it to him. He cant read yet, so he hands it to me.
Follow every word of this and youll have my cup of moonlight. She smiled and laid a
skinny, arthritis-knotted hand on my shoulder and gave me her loving smile. She pointed to the
woods behind the house Youll find it best in the woods
So me and little Rodney walking through the woods with a lantern and an old jar. We
stopped in the heart of the woods at the edge of the pond. I looked at the paper and the first
things said.
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I was shocked that the tree really existed but I could tell it was going to be a weird night.
I read the next one on the list.
3. Fill the jar half way with dew from the grass.
I knew how to do this one. As a child Gram-Gram would send my cousins and I out early
in the morning to collect grass dew. Shed put them in jars in her room, but never really used
them.
We walked back to the pond and I taught Rodney how to pick up the blades of grass and
squeeze dew into the jar. It took close to an hour to get it down and by the time we finished the
moon was high in the sky.
4. Sprinkle dirt into the jar.
That one was easy. She let Rodney grab some dirt and drop it into the jar.
5. Place the fruit in the mouth of the jar.
Rodney pulled out the fruit and placed it in the jar. Pushing it a little to make sure it
stuck.
The last thing on the list said:
6. Hold the jar up to the moon and recitethe poem.
Now I knew Gram-Gram was jerking my chain. I didnt know any poems. Rodney looked
at me aggravated.
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What now? He pouted
It wants us to say a poem
A what?
A poem dummy. Its like a song.
Oh
He looked stumped. We both sat in the grass confused. Out of absolutely nowhere
Rodney started to sing.
Out of the night that loves me so, that tells me where to go, sits a plate that undos hate,
and elevates the love
The song sounded oddly familiar.
Where you learn that at? I asked him
You
I stared at him like he had a billion eyes.
member, Grampy taught you and you taught me. You told me to sing it when I was
sad.
Then it hit me. The song Grampy taught me was the poem. How a song taught to me by
my recently deceased Grampy could be linked directly to this odd task. Rodney must have put it
together in his little six year old brain because he held the jar out toward the moon and began to
sing.
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Out of the night that loves me so, that tells me where to go, sits a plate that undos hate,
and elevates the love, where is the moon, the lovely moon, that shines pale light on me
I began to sing with my brother. We had sung it twice when he screamed.
Look Chelle! Look!
The jar was now glowing a whitish blue color. I stared at the jar amazed. Rodney popped
up and started running toward the house. I followed him. When we reached the house Gram-
Gram was still on the stoop with a tender smile on her face.
Look Gram-Gram! We got it. Rodney hollered
I see you did sugar. I see you did. She stood slowly and took the jar from Rodneys
little hands.
What are you going to do with it Gram? I asked. My curiosity had peaked and I needed
to know.
Follow me baby and Ill show you. She stepped off the porch and walked to the back
yard. We followed her to the big Oak tree lying in the middle of the yard. The family tree. The
tree dedicated to all of our dead family members. Gram-Gram kneeled shakily in front of the tree
and slowly opened the jar. The whitish blue glow flowed out of the jar and began to circle the
tree. It reached high into its branches, causing them to rustle softly.
Moonlight, for the ones you love. She whispered softly.
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Nightmare
I ran through the empty streets. It was dark and no one was out. I slipped on the freshly
wet concrete. The moon looked ghostly behind layers of thin clouds. I heard a deep booming
sound. It sent a sense of dread through my body, though I had no idea why. In the distance a
long cackle erupted and I sped up my running. My heart was pumping and I could barely breathe
but I ran faster anyway.
The cackling got louder and I could swear I felt someone touching the back of my neck.
Its him, I thought over and over in my head. I didnt know who he was exactly, but I knew I
feared him. I also knew that if I slowed down he would get me. Crack! I jumped. The streetlights
on either side of me blew up. I sped up but every time I passed a streetlight it blew.
I half-ran, half-slid into an ally hoping he wouldnt be able to follow me. I looked back
over my shoulder and all I could see was dark. All the street lights behind me were gone and it
was totally dark behind me. I ran toward the street light before me. I almost burst into tears when
I realized it was a dead end. A 15 foot brick wall kept me from getting any further.
He was coming. I could hear him. His slow, hard footsteps were approaching me. Tears
flowed down my face and I felt scared and pitiful. Then, I saw myself in a puddle and hated what
I saw. I looked like a terrified child. I was afraid of something I couldnt evensee. I straitened
myself up and took a deep breath. I turned and faced my attacker.
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He was ghastly skinny, with frizzy green hair. His face was painted white like a clown.
He had a red rubber ball for a nose and his mouth was painted into a permanent grin. He walked
close to me. Close enough, that I could see the sadness in his eyes. I felt as if I shouldnt be
afraid of him but when he opened his mouth I was. Two sets of razor sharp teeth rested in his
mouth.
I whimpered in fear as he came closer to me with his mouth wide open. I screamed as his
teeth tore into the flesh of my collar. Pain seared through my entire body. I jerked up and was
amazed to see I was in my own bed. My cover and pillow were soaked in sweat. I exhaled loudly
in relief, it was just a nightmare.