This Is Where I Will Leave You

Maikz Tomas

For a friend across thousands of ocean,

You are a constant inspiration in all of this. Thank you.

CONTENTS

I

Ocean

Introduction

Flaws

Metaphor

Love II

Moving

Lost for words

Made up of

Senses

More than anything

Words

II

You

Silence

A peek of the future

Searching

She

Have we met before?

Depth over distance

A story maybe

Heights

12: 01 am

This is where I will leave you

This Is Where I Will Leave You

I

Introduction

I'm made up of garden full of tulips

My hands are as cold as the rainy mornings every July

I tour the world like Columbus

I have a smile that can move mountains

And maps will no longer be an essential

I want to introduce myself to you again

In this tone - maybe this time it will make sense

Maybe this time you'll no longer ask why things are complicated

I thought maybe this will come off as a permanent answer

If I tell you my mind works like ranging waves

Would you stop meeting the ocean?

If I tell you I don’t sleep after every good night

Would you go back to our very first conversation?

If I tell you my love for you wouldn't fit in my heart anymore

Would you even bother to ask why?

If I tell you I don't want to be a secret memory in your brain anymore

Would you let the world know how I said hello the first time we met?

I want to introduce myself to you again

In a way that it would feel like an arrival to some destination

Like leaving isn't an option

Like settling won't feel like forced

Like moving in would feel like home sweet home

Flaws

Flaws - five letters, one word, thousands

Of them belongs to you

You who brings tragedy along with heartaches

In a suitcase in red and blue

Red meaning stop

Blue speaks sob

You are a combination of emotions and thoughts

That somehow resembles to the taste of whiskey and coke

The word flaw begins to sound like your name

A rhythmic noise to my ears

A pounding bliss that sore

And a dying beat that is in my core

Your flaws look so good on you

It's like you're wearing constellation each day

Aligned beneath your skin, tattooed in my mind

Your flaws unbelievably look nothing like mine

Love II

If I’m going to meet love one day

I would say all the words on top of my head

Without stuttering, Without glancing

As if I’m a little 5 year old brat kid

“Love’s wonderful”

“Love’s something you see in the morning”

“Love’s something you dream about at night”

“Love’s not really on the first sight”

“Love’s something I wait on the other side of the line”

“Love’s too good to be true”

“Love’s all about leaving”

“Love’s shit”

“Love’s…..well, shit”

Love is something you put inside a box and show to a girl

Love is something you see on a scrambled paper

Love is something you recite in front of the mirror

Love is something you can’t actually say but it’s there

Love is something beautiful until it’s not

It’s something you hold between your hands until its gone

Love is something you share, something you look forward to

Until you get tired, until you realize you’re not there anymore

If I’m going to meet love one day

I hope it has a mouth to constantly remind me of my worth

I hope it has an ear for my-never-ending I don’t knows and flaws

I hope it has an eye for what could possibly be a good beginning

If I’m going to meet love one day

I’m not going to write about it anymore

I’m going to give it a hug as if it is a human being

I’m going to hold its both hands tightly

And end its agony; by waiting for me like it always does

Moving

I’ll come out and look for you

Through mountains, seas and blurry stations

I’ll use a string telephone

Just so I could move hell and earth to get to you

We are kind of stuck between two islands

I’ll get moving

Better get things into changing

From buying plane tickets to quietly sleeping in

Think about distance, you said

In my head it’s just galaxies and numbers

Pretty amusing, quite terrifying

Seemingly a destructible word

It’s not every day we are okay

We’ll move this giant fat ass together someday

I’ll come out and look for you

I’ll keep moving things just to get to you

Lost for words

I’m taking it one day at a time

Knowing your rough edges; Your lovely bones and senses

If meeting you has to get me through mud and spaces

I wouldn’t mind taking all the time

Your presence - You being present

It makes everything so alive

Every spoken word, every tiny gesture

It cuts through the viscous cycle of our little world

Here’s the thing: I can only say what I know about you

But I can never put into words how you make me feel about things

Like the same feeling you get when your feet touches the sand

The same actual feeling when you get a hug after a long day of

getting by

I’m always lost for that word; those appropriate words for those feelings

Although it makes sense to my heart more than in my mind

It would always be at the tip of my tongue

And would always just be hanging at the corner of my stomach

If only I could say those words a hundred times more

I’d say it; I’d be more than happy to write it on a tiny paper and mail it

I’d be more willing to illustrate it and hang it on my dead wall

If only I could, I’d do everything to express it a hundred times or even more

Made up of

Here I am feeling so small

Beside all the things you wanted

In between your pauses and longer sentences

I have never felt so cold

I'm scared that one day you'll realize

That I'm made up of uncertainties and doubts

More than bones, more than a breathing flesh

And leave me without a single call

Apologies for not being solid

For whatever I have broken again and again

For I am fragile and not the one to speak up

For I am needy and not consistent

I am made up of a destructive atom

Will soon be needing a hold - a warm satisfying home

I might soon burst into tiny particles and be nothing

You don't need to fill me up; you've already done your part

Senses

I can hear you - everything you’re trying to say

to me; I can hear it

Even if I’m complacent about not feeling it

I can hear all the words even in the shortest breath

Now we welcomed silence

With it’s stupid concept and useless presence

I still feel you - in every corner of this empty hall

In a heart wrenching motionless form

I have your box - everything that would remind me

of you; I can smell you in it

In between of your most valuable things

I can smell emotions you have collected

As I stand here in the middle of the ocean

To what you refer as home or shelter

All I see is you, only you

In a perfect bird’s eye view

More than anything

He loves her with all his heart

He describes her with all his perfect words

With all his mouth could ever say

With nothing but perplex enthusiasm

Little did he know

Her heart was breaking into tiny pieces

Inch by inch she’s picking herself up

Day by day she’s losing her private parts

Her will to say what’s on her mind

Her power to agree and disagree

Her complex gut and identity

Little did he know; he’s slowly losing her

Those perfect words being thrown at her

“Weird, lovely and very interesting”

She doesn’t want that

Nor she wants to be objectified as that

More than anything

She wants to be remembered

She wants nothing but appreciation

She wants nothing but to be put first

Every perfect words he’s saying

Her brain shuts, her heart aches

For she knows that each time those words being thrown at her

All she could think of is: “No one settles for that person”

Words

Utter those words

in a wondrous poetry verse

Unblemished every single line

like a tint blush on her face looking oh so fine

Those hopelessly romantic everyday people we see

just waiting to speak those words in such moments;

Patiently waiting at a transit

sitting quietly holding a book by john green

Looking at those lovely faces

like they’ve never seen such a beauty maze

Yet you are to speak those words

more than anyone else

More than any stories could tell

more than those people who are remarkable

Because you are more than that

This Is Where I Will Leave You

II

You

Knowing you as part of my whole being

Leaving me thoughts about being competitive in this life

Not losing you, this love, this boundless connection

Makes me go insane just by thinking about it

You, me and the dark gray sky

Pretty much a good title for what we have at the moment

Gives me mixed feelings - good and sad; kind but unpleasant

You being me, me being You

I am kind of just shy to say that I am jealous

Sadly about your environment; your thoughts without my thoughts

Placing distance between your heart and my heart

This is me being repetitive for the nth time even with my words

You are a pusher of what’s good and bad in me

You are a pusher of goodness in jealousy

You are my literary high

And as always, you, me and the dark gray sky

Silence

Silence left a hole in my heart;

It bled deafening sound of belongingness, attention & wholeness

What remained untouched is a part of you that calls out for more

aches from you – in between the noise of thump thumps of our

heartbeats, the tick tock tick tocks of clocks passing by the numerous

talks & all the sighs we make whenever we miss out on each other.

Now, there’s the presence of a painful silence

Which may make or break us depends on how the universe would trick us

Well it’s there – the end, the highest peak, the turning point all

similar to silence

We are already at our destination – where beginnings meet the end;

where hello’s today, tomorrow’s a goodbye

Painful yet silent

But dear this is where we’ve all started

A peek of the future

The ache after you said goodbye

That moment between 4pm and 6pm

Those spaces between your feet to my feet

The slightest sight of you walking towards the airport gate

We moved apart - inch by inch

We have moved towards distance

You slowly built sand castles towards my way

As if you're making an argument if I may say

These are all in my head; a blurb, a peek of the future

Presented to me like I'm in a movie club or theatre

Half of the story is about distance

The rest of the story is about moving apart

She

The quiet girl was once lost

She had lose herself in the darkest hours

No light rails, just confusing routes

Once before she knew all about the ins and outs

She welcomed helping hands

Which she trusted her gut

Eventually, she was betrayed by these hands

For she was naive and a believer of mankind

She stayed true to herself and stayed quiet

While trying to get to know the current

In the palm of her hand - there was an encouraging sign

She read it out loud which says: “Stay curious, be present”

Since then, the quiet girl began searching for something

A quest, a misadventure, a question, a riddle

Each day she would encounter helping hands

She knew they were mere signs than plain humans

Day by day, she would go on for a walk

As to calm the storm inside her head running down to her heart

For she is the quiet girl as she is from the beginning

She would first listen to riptides and let her curious mind sing

Have we met before?

A lost in translation place

I think I saw you

You were wearing phrases

And I’m wearing confidence

Do you wear your glasses upside down?

Or do you hate milk on your coffee so much that it makes you frown?

Everything’s written in here; inside my rubix kind of mind

Feels like a stranger I’ve known in another timeline

Have we met before?

The familiarity of that smile brings me home

Something similar to a peaceful blackbird

Absurd, curious and amuse

Something I’d always want to see than an awkward crowd

Pretty sure I’ve seen you somewhere

In my past life or in a perplex dream

Facing forward firmly as present

Towards me and through things we could build

Depth over distance

Love's actually like a connecting flight

Full of stopovers, hoping & laying down

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder

But dear, isn't it depth over distance?

I would always wonder

It has always been like passing greater heights

With curiosity, harmony & hiding under the same sun

So many shades of brown to blue to green

Two people stoked for the tiniest scenes

I'm writing this on a cold morning

Wondering what if we're both on the same plane

Will you be thinking about how we've come so far

While placing your hands around my arms

Depth over distance

A thought 6 feet under the ocean

Of love, grace and perseverance

You are the depth inside me and a greater distance

A story maybe

I will write a story with the letters U & S together

Be it a sad one or a plain comedic story told by so many

It will begin with a pretty introduction like “So I’ve met a boy”

With hopes of not finishing it ever with the words “The End”

To be honest, I don’t know how to write a story

Do you actually end with a climax? Or do you introduce

your characters at the end?

How will I start writing about someone when all I have is

a pretty unexplainable plot?

Plot twist - I’d be left with one thought: stay away with the pen

I’d still be writing a story but only us can understand

A story of a girl and a boy and a vast ocean or a story of

two people with a crappy connection

Friends but kind of want to be more than friends; so in love

but trying not to be

Its like measuring a glass of water; sometimes half full,

sometimes half empty

Oh, If he ever come across with my stories one day

I hope he won’t be as confused as he is right now

Writing a story about someone has never been my forte nor

my favorite thing

But I hope one day he’d see the good in combining the most

odd letters in the alphabet: U & S

Heights

Stuck here

In between longer pauses

Do you really love me or the idea of me?

Say it and let me long for the consequences

Sitting here

With thoughts of not moving anymore

Let me stay here, for myself and for you

Until I forget the distance from where I am and your heart

Looking up

Convincing myself I'm enough

I'm full of words; I'm full of intertwining conversations

But not enough to make you fully answer back

I will never guard you with my words

You are free to make another conversation

You are free to explore another breathing flesh

You are free from the blackbird inside my shelf

I'll be staying here quietly not moving

I'll wait for your answer even if it takes forever

I was never scared of heights

But this time, I think I am

12:01am

Your face, what a wonderful distraction

Beaming of million truths and deep thoughts

An introduction like some sort of prologue

I cannot seem to break down in words

Strange noise often interrupts our quiet company

Was it the people outside or my heart inside?

I wouldn't know, I guess

I'm drawn to the image of you in my mind

Tell me all your worries and stories

Let them out like letting a rope slip through your hand

Like placing a tiny part of you to every strange part of me

Up, my chest, we have our own little story

This is where I will leave you

It may not be written in any book, but it is written

In memory flicks and foreign country

In the affinity of our affection

In our so-called world and serenity

We were once the sign and the letter

A secret language and a resting place to one another

The October sky and the February mess

We were once whole with the hurricane and haze

I will leave a blank for what I don’t know

For I will never know what is in between comforting and hurting

I may have found a place for everything in these pages –

Perhaps, for now, this is where I will leave you

Credits: (for the illustrations & photography)

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