Mr. Fisko “just not into

teaching this year”

BroncoLeaks reveal shocking campus secrets By Jack Welty ‟12

Real . Comfortable . News.

The Wrangler March 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Seven

News in Briefs Tragedy strikes at Bowl-

ing Club meeting; none

spared

Mr. Hubbell suffers

stress fracture from

spreading too fast in de-

bate practice

“Locks for Lax” hair-

donation charity founded

to benefit lacrosse play-

ers with less natural flow

Brophy sponsors Seniori-

tis vaccination drive

“Call of Duty Black Ops”

deals major blow to Cov-

ert Politics club logic:

Agent Mason killed JFK

Poetry Out Loud 2011

competition loudest ever

Hoopcoming sting opera-

tion nets record 248 stu-

dent IDs

Printed on recycled Roundups

2011 National Cham

pions

By Peter Scobas ‟12

Mr. Paul Fisko. Brophy‟s very own

“Renaissance Man,” fútbol-extraordinaire,

theologian, musician, and teacher. The

man who single-handedly brought the

Cold War to an end. His voice has cap-

tured the hearts of many, his teaching

style setting the bar for excellence, and

his long black locks of hair the envy of any

man over 40.

However, recently, Mr. Fisko has gone

against his almost divine persona and has

exhibited some, well, unFisko-like behav-

ior.

His class attendance has fell to around

the .500 mark, and his “Player Efficiency

Rating” has plummeted to 11.0, according

to ESPN Insider, John Hollinger.

When asked about his recent classroom

performances, Mr. Fisko just shrugged

and replied, “I dunno. I‟m just not into

teaching this year.”

In order to get a clearer picture into the

true nature of Mr. Fisko’s classroom ex-

perience, a Wrangler investigative report-

er recently sat in on one of his Scripture

classes.

According to the reporter‟s account, Fisko

showed up about 10 minutes late, and

spent the next half of class perfecting his

nerf-ball jump shot.

Once finally getting into lecture, he sup-

posedly butchered the story of Noah, and

misspelled “Jesus” with a “g.”

With about 15 minutes left of class, Fisko

decided to just stop lecture and walk out

the door, where he promptly headed to

Culver‟s for an early lunch. Later that

day, Mr. Fisko sat down with another

one of our reporters, where he told us that

“there‟s always tomorrow” and “there‟s

more important stuff than teaching good

[sic].”

When asked what exactly was more im-

portant than teaching, Mr. Fisko simply

shrugged, and went back to polishing off

his Butterburger and small fry.

A batch of top-secret cables between teachers and members of the administration has been re-

leased this week, and the contents have shocked the Brophy community.

The cables were released to the public in the form of Jing tutorials with the text clandestinely

flashing on the screen and quickly changing to a real tutorial on Live Mesh.

William Cleaver ’11, senior expert analyst in “being off task,” suggests this might be an elabo-

rate ploy to make the cables more accessible to students.

After an administration crackdown on the videos, the cables are now being disseminated

through screenshots of Minecraft, with freshmen committed to the cause spending hours chisel-

ing the messages into virtual cliff-faces. Some free-speech crusaders have even gone to such

lengths as to write them in ancient technology such as Line Rider to evade detection.

The cables were originally sent by highly encrypted email messages from teacher to teacher,

leading to accusations that K13 had a major role to play in the conspiracy.

Unconfirmed reports also suggest that the source of the leaks has been detained and is current-

ly being held in the basement of Romley on allegations of failure to perform mandatory prefect

duties. Other suspected conspirators have recently

announced plans to flee to Dubai, Kenya, and Aus-

tralia in the coming months.

While it is not yet clear who is responsible for the

release of these cables, Roundup executives have

announced that the person behind BroncoLeaks

will be an automatic candidate for the newspaper‟s

Man of the Year award.

The Wrangler has obtained some of these sensitive

cables and, in a spirit of commitment to truth in

journalism, present them to readers for their infor-

mation. Be warned, these cables contain very secret

and sensitive communications between Brophy

faculty.

FROM: F. GARNER TO: A. SCHMIDBAUER

Hey, I’m running out of Our Lady of

Guadulupe Spray, do you think you

could lend me a can? Gracias!

FROM: T. SANFORD TO: B. WOODS

The math department is going to

Streets of NY after school on Fri-

day, are you coming?

FROM: T. DANFORTH TO: T. BROYLES

Did you take my parking spot this

morning?

FROM: J. BUCHANAN TO: J. BOPP

We have a breach, we have a breach!

North sector! North sector!

Last season saw Brophy win a state championship, with wins over the

dangerously chill Chaparral Firebirds in the semifinals and then the far-

chiller Chandler Wolves in the state title game. The 2010 Broncos were

led by a core group of seniors who many of the underclassmen looked up to

because they “had a lot of swag and were pretty chill,” according to Hart-

ford Sterling ’13.

“We were pretty chill last year, but I think we can be even chiller this year.

We are gonna make Chap-town look less chill than like Salpointe because

we are so chill,” said sophomore attackman Benjamin Clemmons ’13.

With Clemmons and many other returning varsity players, this year‟s

team may be able to attain its goal of being chiller than last year. There is

not much in-state competition outside of Chaparral and Saguaro. Addi-

tionally, word from reliable source WestSideLax.com is many top “duck

rippers” from those schools quit to pursue other “past-times” that would

have jeopardized their teams because of the recently instituted Arizona

Lacrosse drug policy. When asked about these opposing players, starter

Colin Canon ’12 replied, “I guess they just couldn‟t handle partying dur-

ing lax season ‟cause they aren‟t that chill, but it‟s whatever.”

Outside of the state of Arizona, Brophy will play at a tournament in San

Francisco where the Broncos will compete against the chillest teams on the

West Coast.

“St. Ignatius has some pretty good players, but ‟Nado will be by far the

chillest team we will play all year. Those bros don‟t even practice, they

just get tan and chill every day. And their flow is ridiculous. We play them

on April 20th which is pretty chill too, I guess,” said junior midfielder

Brick Gaffi ’12.

Regardless of what happens on the field, this year‟s Brophy varsity la-

crosse team has already garnered a pre-season reputation for being one of

the chillest teams in Arizona and the West Coast as well.

Lacrosse preview: Team looking to be even chiller in 2011

By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12

Teachers in Eller hire highly-qualified elevator operator

Last week, a student who had been using

his elevator key, though his ankle injury

was many weeks healed, was surprised to

discover that he was not the sole occupant of

Eller‟s elevator.

He informed news outlets that it appears a

coalition of teachers in the Scott and Laura

Eller Center for the Fine Arts have hired an

elevator operator, who, the student adds, is

very skilled at his job.

“At first, I just thought they dressed Mr.

Danforth up in a bellhop‟s costume,” the

student, speaking anonymously for fear of

revocation of his elevator key, told reporters.

“But he had a British accent and asked me

what level I would be going to and every-

thing. His name was Morton and he gave

me a mint and held the door for me. It was

awesome.”

Though no official announcement of this

hiring has been made, a copy of Morton‟s

résumé was found in the faculty meeting

room‟s printer tray. Morton Topper, a

London native, has extensive professional

experience in the elevator operations indus-

try. Scrawled at the top of the résumé in

handwriting believed to be that of Mr.

Scott Middlemist ’87 was “WE NEED

THIS GUY!”

The addition of Eller‟s elevator operator is

currently believed to be unrelated to the

hiring of a new valet service for the faculty

in Piper.

By Keith Bender ‟11

Right: Not Mr. Danforth in

a bellhop’s costume.

Photo by Andrew Bender ‟13

Mr. Johnson spotted with new luxury SUV

up in NYC

A camera detail assigned to follow celebrity

educator Mr. Stephan Johnson spotted

him in New York City last weekend, park-

ing his brand new SUV in the middle of

Times Square and tossing the keys to a

random man walking past him.

By Jordan Bohannon ‟12

By Tucker Ring ‟11

By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12

Brophy spurns Nike for TOMS in block-buster endorsement deal

The Fl ip Side

Editors

Keith Bender ‟11

Henry Wilky ‟11

Photography Editor

Michael Notestine ‟11

Moderators

Mr. John Damaso ‟97

Mr. Steve Smith ‟96

Artistic Advisor

Banksy

The Wrangler is seeking student

writers and contributors. Inter-

ested? Email:

wrangler@brophybroncos.org

A.M.D.G.

The Wrangler © 2011 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

Correlation between Coolness and Indieness Examined

100%

60%

40%

20%

0%

80%

Indieness

Mom, I‟m in-

die because I

like Vampire

Weekend,

right?!?

iPods don‟t

capture the

sounds of the

Stylophone,

vinyl forever!

You

own a

cat.

Your cat

shops at

Urban

Outfitters.

You are a

cat.

You

are Mr.

Damaso.

P4k is your

Bible.

You make

your own

clothes.

You see euro-noise-

art bands on Tues-

day nights after you

do your AP Studio

Art homework.

You have no

friends because

friends are so

conformist. You

win.

After intense negotiations in the past

month, Brophy Athletics has finally signed

the athletic apparel deal that many stu-

dents and athletes had been hoping for.

That‟s right, Brophy is bringing TOMS to

the playing field next year.

Nike and TOMS were the two biggest suit-

ors for Brophy‟s signature. Nike sent its

finest public relations wizards to Brophy‟s

campus for lunchtime talks sponsored by

the OFJ. It appeared as though Nike was

going to win the battle for Brophy‟s signa-

ture after its final speaker cleverly deflected

multiple questions about Nike‟s questiona-

ble working conditions and wages in Indo-

nesia.

“I don‟t know how he did it, but he just did-

n‟t answer my question about the living

conditions of Nike employees. He started

talking about how Nike didn‟t control their

overseas contractors and then to visit the

website, and all of a sudden before I knew it

he had moved to the next question,” said a

sophomore that was left perplexed after the

Nike presentation.

Despite this high-caliber performance, the

administration decided “Brophy is not ready

to enter an institutional partnership with a

corporation at this time,” according to prin-

cipal Mr. Bob Ryan.

“With a corporation named Nike, of course,”

Mr. Ryan added.

“We are ready to enter an institutional part-

nership with a corporation that is named

TOMS Shoes, though,” Mr. Ryan then an-

nounced.

The OFJ and administration felt that

TOMS was the perfect candidate to supply

Brophy athletic apparel and equipment be-

cause rather than exploiting laborers,

TOMS actually donates a pair of shoes for

every pair of shoes that they sell, and world

peace is found in every stitch of new TOMS

canvas running shoes.

Brophy will begin wearing athletic uniforms

and shoes manufactured by TOMS next

year, rather than the previous Nike uni-

forms. The first set of TOMS uniforms will

be debuted in Brophy football‟s home opener

against rival Hamilton in the fall of 2011.

Coolness

THE 2 SIDES OF Steve smith St. Francis Xavier middle school: New Di-ocesan powerhouse?

Poll: What will the Class of 2011’s senior

prank be?

Brophy‟s long-held position at the top of

the Diocese of Phoenix power rankings

appears to be threatened by a previously

dormant St. Francis Xavier middle

school.

Long seen as being little more than a

hindrance to premium north lot parking

spaces to much of the Brophy community,

SFX has suddenly appeared as a force to

be reckoned with.

This sudden emergence has been spurred

on by a new commitment to fundraising.

A source close to SFX revealed to The

Wrangler some of the top ideas discussed

during a recent brainstorming process.

These included sale of “skinny mint”

cookies, recruiting celebrities for a tele-

vised concert (text SFX to 90999), and

faking a natural disaster.

A commercial featuring puppies set to a

Sarah McLachlan song was also said to

be in the early stages of production.

However, SFX ultimately chose to borrow

a play directly from the book of Brophy

president Fr. Eddie Reese, SJ: the Pow-

er Breakfast. Repackaging it as the

“Power Brunch,” it has proved very effec-

tive, and funded the rapid completion of a

new building, better known as “the mon-

strosity overlooking Loyola Field,” ac-

cording to P.E. student Brian Tate ’14.

In a surprise move interpreted as a re-

sponse to SFX‟s surge, Brophy has an-

nounced the creation of the brand new

middle school, Loyola Academy.

Loyola Academy looks to challenge St.

Francis Xavier in the crucial and compet-

itive middle school market.

In addition, Fr. Reese, SJ held an emer-

gency Power Breakfast along with an

unprecedented joint meeting of the Bro-

phy Dads Club and Mothers Guild to dis-

cuss the possibility of a second Brophy

Auction and the creation of a “Power Din-

ner.”

Also, it was announced on 3TV that five

cents of every Tuesday Healthy Meal will

now be donated to the newly-created Op-

eration Beat SFX Middle School Fund.

By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12

Brophy football’s home

uniforms for the 2011 sea-

son after the administra-

tion gives in to popular

student demand to partner

with a corporation.

Student council candidate to use 4th-

grade campaign techniques

As Student Council elections draw near

once again, members of the Class of 2014

are preparing their campaigns using

time-tested 4th grade election tactics in

hopes of winning the votes and hearts of

their peers.

Freshman football player Peter

Thompson ’14 is planning to ride the

wave of votes from his teammates into

office.

“That should get me at least 100 votes…

maybe 200 if the „A‟ team votes for me

too,” Thompson told the Wrangler elec-

tions expert.

The fifth-string running back is expect-

ing that memories of his stellar season,

which included spotting the ball in prac-

tice and “almost breaking a tackle in

that one game” will draw votes.

In his official announcement for candida-

cy, made during break while talking

with friends in the Michael‟s line, the

freshman hinted to his closest advisers

that he would focus his campaign plat-

form on things like getting Taco Bell in

the Great Hall, a roller coaster on the

football field, and instating Megan Fox

as Dean of Students.

“Basically it‟s just like the things I said

to get elected to 4th grade student coun-

cil,” Thompson revealed.

“But I might not actually be able to do

all of those things because of bureaucra-

cy. You know how things work in the

government,” he confided.

As of press time, no one knows how

things work in the government.

The freshman is also planning to use the

Spanish version of his first name, Pedro,

in an original slogan that he believes no

one will suspect was borrowed from a

movie “about Napoleon and dynamite or

something.”

“[My signs] are going to be great. I think

I‟ll start working on them soon because

it‟s never too early and I‟ll probably use

Photoshop to make them look extra awe-

some. And then I‟ll put them up where

people will see them, like by the lockers

and in elevators!”

By Keith Bender ‟11

44% The Great Brophy Scaven-

ger Hunt: place all of the furniture

from teacher‟s offices in various

locations around campus.

21% Flood campus and take the

canal to school, mooring canoes on

campus in a one-upping of last

year‟s prank.

16% Foam. Lots of foam.

12% Reverse Senior Ditch Day:

show up at school on a Saturday

night and have an epic party.

7% Day of solidarity with peace-

ful protesters, skip class and sing

songs in the mall.