No apocalypse but English Department still feels effects

Real . Comfortable . News.

The Wrangler News in Briefs

Doc Ewing throws out

back in Civil War live

action role play

AJ’s hires unnamed

Xavier girls to model

next line of tea

Lax season resumes,

growth of flow not in

vain

Soccer coaching staff

struggles with wash-

ing poop smell off of

jerseys

Chinese exchange

students misinterpret

meaning of Red Army

Spring break immer-

sion trip inside a

Bronco to utilize the

“Magic School Bus”

Printed on recycled Roundups

#WeM

akeitSnowinthe602

By Kyle Chalmers ’13

Extended Fridays cause students to find outlets of entertainment Matt Burleson ’16

New Economics class to teach Vemma selling techniques

After an adrenalin filled

three-hour meeting, the

Brophy Social Studies

Department has given

the go ahead on a new

specialized economics

class called “Vemma in

Action”.

The pitch for this class

was put together by cur-

rent seniors with the

slogan “Who needs to

learn this boring busi-

ness stuff when I’m

making 200 bucks a

month?” Vemma is a

company that borrows

ideas of some of Ameri-

ca’s best financial virtu-

osos, including Charles

Ponzi, Bernie Madoff,

and even Chef Michael

himself. Straight out of

Egypt, the Vemma busi-

ness model is largely

based off the well-

respected pyramid

scheme model. Students

make money by signing

up other students to buy

Vemma, once those peo-

ple (henchmen) sign up

recruit others, more

money goes to the top of

the of the “Great Giza”

itself. Many Vemma

vendors have no idea

what they are selling

(and don’t care), focus-

ing only on getting

new recruits.

As of now there are four

major pyramid

“families” run by sepa-

rate “bosses” that con-

trol a majority of Vem-

ma selling students. A

throwback to the Mafia

days, the Pyramid Boss-

es are secret and capi-

talistic, each controlling

different Brophy build-

ings as territories, alt-

hough Brophy Hall re-

mains a major battle

ground as students try

to sign up the admin-

istration. Mr. Matt Wil-

liams ‘07 volunteered to

lead this new class.

Mr. Williams spent his

summer months devel-

oping a successful mind

control technique. His

AP Psychology students

are now left wondering

why they all have sever-

al hundred cans of Verve

energy drinks stockpiled

in their kitchens and no

money.

By Chase Hart ’14

An anonymous source confirmed on the

cold night of December 21st 2012 that

many members of the Brophy’s English

Department communed and prayed for

the end of the world not to come. They

made a covenant with each other that if

their world did not end, they would live

life differently. With the Mayan prophecy

having been false, the teachers honored

their sacred covenant. The staff of Bro-

phy has never been the same since that

night: particularly Ms. Deborah Kauff-

man and Mr. Scott “Aragorn” Middle-

mist ’87.

Ms. Kauffman, who had formerly been

known for her understanding and kind

disposition, has turned to a new life. Ac-

cording to a reliable source, she made a

promise to her colleagues, that night, to

be more fearsome and angry with stu-

dents similarly to Grendel with

Hrothgrar’s kingdom in Beowulf. In a

quote from Ms. Kauffman, she uttered, “I

have found that good writing is what I

am after. Nothing provokes good writing

like fear. Nothing.” There have been

many reports of students being chased

out of her class for neglecting to read

their books or for their badly-written

literary assignments. The Wrangler sent

a journalist to interview her, but he has

not been seen since.

Recently released news from the English

Department confirms that Mr. Middle-

mist has now shockingly switched his

interests from Star Wars (his life’s devo-

tion and obsession) to Lord of the Rings.

Mr. Middlemist wanted to return to the

roots of fantasy with orcs, elves, and hob-

bits. He no longer teaches his class the

ways of the Force, but instead calls them

his “Fellowship” and takes them on im-

possible ventures to find and destroy the

one Ring. He forces them to also call him

“Mr. Aragorn (Rightful Heir to the

Throne of Gondor)” whenever they refer

to or address him. It makes for quite the

MLA conundrum. Also, instead of riding

his pod racer to school, he now rides on

his horse, Shadowfax. Currently we be-

lieve “Mr. Aragorn (Rightful Heir to the

Throne of Gondor)” is somewhere in the

Rocky Mountains with a group of fresh-

man searching for the Mines of Moria in

order to gain quick passage to

Rivendell……………………………………

…………………………………………………

…………………………………………….

They still may not pass. Or Middlemist’s

class for that matter.

Last week, Mr. Tony Oldani pro-

fessed the reasons grades had been

pushed so far back. Firstly, accord-

ing to Mr. John Damaso ’97,

“Grading Scantrons, although it

may seem easy, is much more com-

plicated than everyone thinks.

Even though it only takes me a few

minutes, it can take other teacher’s

many weeks.” Many should not

and will not continue to question

the embodiment of wisdom that is

Damaso. Seniors and, in some ex-

ceedingly rare cases, very lazy jun-

iors, believe that this is just a ploy

to make students keep doing work

just in case they might have

bombed finals and are now forced

to actually study; something that is

foreign to them.

Many are relieved that the grade

release delay postpones the inevi-

table: an inevitable they don’t want

to face. Taryn Gup, a Brophy stu-

dent, was afraid to see what he

received on his history final said

“You know, I’m fine with grades

taking their time, it gives me more

time to not be grounded.” Gup’s

inevitable eventually came. With a

14.3% on his AP U.S. History final,

he was politely asked to leave Bro-

phy (explaining why no one has

heard of him). According to his

shrink, he is now currently ground-

ed and facing an even worse fate,

attending St. Mary’s.

Administration grade delay causes student relief By Joe Pistorius ’14

February 29, 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Two

Above: Student is so stressed out by grades,

he resorts to taking Photobooth photos

Above: This graph displays the high level of intellectual competence of Brophy

students. The great benefits of having an extended Friday cannot be overlooked

By Kapil Kanagal ’13

By Alex Khan ’13

Science Department alters weather for own benefit

Editors

Chase Bishov ’14

Seth Harris ’14

Moderators

Mr. John Damaso ’97

Mr. Steve Smith ’96

The Wrangler is seeking student

writers and contributors. Interested?

wrangler@brophybroncos.org

A.M.D.G.

The Wrangler © 2012

“Murph-dog” and the Red-pants disease (1D Fever)

At a recent press conference, Dr. Patrick Kolb,

specialist in weather machines and natural disas-

ters for the Higgins administration, announced

that the recent weather changes, despite a popular

belief of students, were in fact not due to global

warming. Continuing, he stated, “The science de-

partment, in association with the Moore and Gore

Institute of Global Cooling, created a machine to

stop global warming… unfortunately, it failed.”

Recently released documents show that that the

weather machine, equipped with artificial intelli-

gence, is “super picky about the weather and only

wants what it wants.”

According to inside sources, the machine that was

designed with the purpose of combatting global

warming has transformed into a conscious being

and to the shock and horror of many, is actively

determining the weather. Dr. Kolb and the rest of

the weather machine dream team, known as the

“Fab Five Celsius”, have turned to the religious

studies department for help. Monseigneur James

Grindey, in an interview, said, “The religious

studies department was brought in to help change

the weather machine’s mind. We are going to try to

make it a machine for others. That’s the main

goal.” According to inside sources, Mr. Broyles

will be teaching the machine about the allegory of

the cave, but in the machine’s case, the allegory of

the Tech Room. The religious studies department is

also sending the machine on a “breakaway” where

it will be making the air cold in parts of Phoenix

with broken air conditioning systems. It will later

go on Kairos at Machineresa.

Before the initial press conference, many in the

Brophy community believed that someone inside

Brophy had been trying to control the weather.

Some even pointed fingers at Dr. Samuel Ewing,

saying that he wanted to keep the weather cold so

that he could continue to wear fashionable sport

coats for a longer period of time than the usual

Phoenix winter fashion season permits. After fur-

ther examination, everyone realized that the ma-

chine dilemma has essentially distracted them

from the important issue: global warming.

“Brophy Boy” problems meme

By Chase Bishov ’14

Though Brophy has been hit hard by

the flu this season, it has been even

more devastated by the current epidem-

ic infecting students of all ages. The

Red-Pants Disease has been going

around as more and more students now

find themselves wearing red-colored

pants. While many students see this

disease as harmless, few people have

seen its most distressing case (cue

“Jaws” music).

Faculty member Mr. Neil Murphy ’96

is thought to be patient number zero for

this current outbreak. Before his arrival

on the Brophy campus, few students

were seen wearing colorful pants. How-

ever, Mr. Murphy brought this epi-

demic with him after his first few weeks

at Brophy, by wearing red-colored

slacks. Before Murph-dog was infected,

he was like any other tween; His tight

red pants have caused him to grow an

insatiable admiration for One Direction

member Zayn. Ms. Kelly Guffey (KG$)

reported seeing Murph-dog in his red

pants and classified the experience as

“horrifying yet the most incredibly at-

tractive outfit ever witnessed by man,

very European.” However, she would

further explain that Murph-dog’s condi-

tion and vigor are rapidly failing. Dr.

Noah Lewkowitz explained that Mur-

phy’s constant hiccupping in various

music keys shows signs that the disease

and love for boy bands members have

metastasized.

Unfortunately, Mr. Murphy has al-

ready passed on this deadly disease to

countless students, who are at severe

risk to succumb to the same side-effects.

Some teachers have formed a movement

to quarantine and prevent the disease,

but it is unfortunately not gaining much

support. Classy Gentleman Extraordi-

naire Dr. Samuel Ewing explained,

“Those things are absolutely hideous. I

mean look at what it did to Murphy.”

Previously writing for Teen Vogue, Doc

has always been fashionably savvy. Mr.

Patrick Kolb is said to be heading up a

research group to find a cure for the

vicious disease. With blindly research-

ing, they hope to come up with some-

thing before March.

Students seeking to stay healthy are

advised to stay away from those with

Red-Pants Disease, especially Mr. Mur-

phy. Only time will tell if this epidemic

is ephemeral or a long-term pathogen

that will decimate the fashion sense and

classiness of hundreds. According to the

night staff, One Direction tracks are

quietly playing from inside Murphy’s

A word from the Editors By Editors of The Wrangler Issue 22

“Hear in the Rangler; wi having many pride about bee in

the bestest paper at Broffie. This satyr could of bean

unfunny, butt weather its the ritors ore the threats of

being hunged, we dew have an affect on the funny bones’

of everywon. We are excepted as the most humorous.

Eye know wut your thinking two, how could a group of

mans have past everyone and bee that much funiest

then thumb. Their is ellusions to much funny things inn

the BCD community. The Rangler also payes attention

to the d-tails of issuses. How never; if eye have too ‘posse

wut make the Rangler the best, its those who’s job its to

edit. There great attenshon to the grammer sits this

paper a part.”

“Brophy Boy” problems

By Chase Bishov ’14

1. Being too good looking (angry flow, toned

physique, etc.)

2. When Michael’s prime rib is overcooked

3. Having to go to an inconvenient amount

of state championship games

4. Being called a “Brophy Boy” (tone includ-

ed)

5. Having to decide between a BMW or a

Mercedes after passing the permit test

6. Listening to someone say Romney isn't

the answer

7. Xavier Girls’ Group Photos at Parties

8. Being able to express one’s masculinity

openly without consequences

9. Others using the wrong form of “you are”

in social media outlets

10. When Chief Keef busts one of your subs

while cruising with your boys

11. Not knowing what Frat to join at U of A

12. Not being able to hear a class lecture

and blaming it on your oversized traps

13. Not being on the U.S. National Fencing

team

212. Running out of Creatine

Above: Notice how red the pants are. The over-

allytomato pants have a mesmerizing effect

on style and on the mind.

Below: The machine has caused snow to fall in

Phoenix. This is the ninth time of snowfall since

1889.

Recent Reviews of The Wrangler:

“The Wrangler is a true contemporary masterpiece”-Times Maga-

zine

“The Wrangler sucks.”- The Onion

“If this was issue was a pig, we would enjoy its bacon.”- Rolling

Stone

“These sure are comfortable jeans.”- Kai, the Surfer

The Red Army will always and forever be the greatest group of

shirtless men, raving lunatics, passionate supporters, funny

dancers, and questionably talented singers. Opponents will

always tremble at the mere sound of the army’s echoing roar.

The rollercoaster will always continually energize the crowd.

Only the voice of Brophy authorities calm the ravage beast.

The Red Army will “Don’t Stop Believing.”