Red Army returns: Arizona’s Brophy Prep

suggesting Communist ties?

Real . Comfortable . News.

The Wrangler September 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Eighteen

News in Briefs

Back to School dance

a success. Electricity?

Not required

Phoenix construction

workers no longer re-

ceiving free Brophy

education by looking

into new windows

Brophy Bronco’s con-

tract renewed, new

acrobatic skill said to

show promise

Michael’s prices soar

to accommodate extra

creatine inside chick-

en

Secret panda-fighting

ring discovered

through Instagram

Search and Rescue

team still searching

for Wednesday’s miss-

ing first period

Printed on recycled Roundups

Semper U

bi Sub Ubi

By Steven Soto ’13

Mr. Burr’s The Red Army Returns receives Oscar nomination By Alexander Khan ’13

In a recent YouTube video, The Red Army,

an extremist sect within Brophy College

Preparatory that claims to be led by an

omnipotent Bronco prophet, promised that

it will be like nothing before.

The Red Army is characterized by its blood-

red uniform that is branded with its famous

bronco insignia. Other than that, little is

known about the group except what has

been visually confirmed. So far confirmed

are its weapons of choice. Against its oppo-

nents, The Red Army employs tactics that

utilize body paint, noise makers, free tacos,

and Salvadoran machetes, which are illegal

in twenty-seven nations, to strike fear into

its opponent’s hearts.

A militant leader linked to The Red Army

officially warned that the group will launch

deathly cheering attacks “that are louder,

harder, better, louder, and better than ever

before” on its opponents. Outsiders can see

that the extremist group has not failed in

carrying out its words. In a recent game

against Californian school Santa Margari-

ta, The Red Army made a full appearance.

They are blamed for several attacks on the

visiting team’s morale after they engaged

in chants of “Santa who?” Simi-

lar to these attacks, The Red

Army was also spotted hun-

dreds of miles away in the

northern Arizonan nation of

Anthem against Boulder Creek.

None of Boulder Creek’s play-

ers remain the same.

The Red Army’s leaders, who

still remain unidentified, are

able to blend into the regular

crowds that make up the col-

lege preparatory’s student body

which makes them difficult to

apprehend. Little progress has

been made.

On a national scale, a U.S. De-

partment of Homeland Security sub-

committee, known as AZCéñtral, has for-

mally acknowledged the group and has

launched a formal investigation on its

origin. So far, the committee reports that,

“The group seems to get its funding from

somewhere in Russia, probably from some

old Communist diehards that support the

name…”

By Charlie Sturr ’13

iPads: Destroying the Brophy culture one app at a time

A new freshman class has come to

Brophy, and with it, a new era of

technology: the iPad. These shiny

new toys are slowly changing the

entire freshman experience by usher-

ing in of a new generation of apps.

From these apps, a new era of iPad-

related issues have begun completely

altering the Brophy experience.

The most popular app this season is

called “Find My Dean”. From any-

where on campus, each freshman can

now pinpoint the location of Dean

Higgins via GPS satellite. This has

allowed many students to commit

JUGable offenses in broad daylight

because they have no fear of being

ambushed by Dean Higgins’s dead-

ly smile/handshake/jug combination.

This new technology has caused

many faculty members to worry, es-

pecially the head of security, Mr.

Buchanan. Recently, in an inter-

view with, The Wrangler, he said, “I

have seen a resurgence in the once

popular game, Cee-lo. The corruption

of our young freshman has only one

source to blame: the Find My Dean

app.”

Another popular freshman app is the

“Xavier Girl Radar”. This app allows

any freshman to see any Xavier Ga-

tor within a 100 yard radius from his

position. This has upped the ante for

many Friday afternoon hangouts,

because now swarms of Brophy stu-

dents brandishing their iPads can be

seen entering our sister campus.

One app, that has seen a high

amount of criticism from the teach-

ers, is the “Snap-assignment” app.

Students can send their friends their

assignments to “help” them with

homework, but they can only view it

for 1-10 seconds. Because it instantly

deletes the assignment after the al-

lotted time, teachers have no way to

prove if a student really did their

homework or not. As readers can

imagine, this app has stirred up a lot

of trouble. Dean of Technology, Mr.

James Bopp has recently proposed

a mandate to JUG anyone seen with

the app installed.

Another big consequence of the iPads

are gaming related injuries. Previ-

ously, students could kill zombies

with the click of a mouse, but now

with the iPad’s touch screen only

gaming, they have to utilize their

entire hand and wrist. Mr. Chris

White has been inundated with

freshman cases of carpal tunnel syn-

drome, and one student (who will not

be named) even sprained his pointer

finger. The stresses of the new gam-

ing circuit have been taking their

toll, and student absences for “sport

related issues” have spiked. The

dean’s office has released a state-

ment saying, “In no way does FIFA

soccer on the iPad count as a sports

related injury. If any student is

caught skipping school because of

this, it is an immediate Saturday

JUG.”

This is a sad day for many freshman

gamers, seeing as their gaming capa-

bilities are slowly being limited. Bro-

phy is at the dawn of a new era, and

it is still unsure what direction the

iPad will take it.

Above: The Red Army is shown in

full force. It is the only high school

cheering section in the nation with

a fully functioning Panzer IV tank.

Photo Illustration By Steven Soto ’13

Rumors are swirling about Mr. Pete Burr’s ’07 newest

film. Ever since the release of his blockbuster hit The

Red Army Returns, people have been speculating about

what is next for the up-and-coming director. During the

after party of last month’s premiere, acclaimed director

Martin Scorsese said, “The kid’s got spunk.” Though

many fans feel nothing but admiration, there have been

many rumors that shine a light on Mr. Burr’s strange

style of directing. At a press conference last week, for-

mer child star Mr. Tom Danforth ’78, known for his

portrayal of Kevin McCallister in the Home Alone se-

ries, who was hired as a consultant on the project said,

“Mr. Burr will not be commenting on his newest pro-

ject at this time. He has retreated into his studio (also

known as the student council room by some) at the mo-

ment and gave orders not to be disturbed.”

Upon further investigation, Wrangler staff discovered

that Mr. Burr conducts a personal staff of about thirty

Brophy students that spend their time making sure

things run smoothly for the well-oiled production stu-

dio. Due to the high secrecy of the organization, not

much is known about what exactly goes on in there.

Some passerby report instances of hearing ground

shaking bass coming from the location. This, of course,

follows up on reports that the studio has in fact been

training students to abandon their academics and be-

come full time DJs. Some reports even go as far as to

suggest ties between the production studio and radical

militant group The Red Army.

A myriad of reviews remind viewers of just how much

success Mr. Burr has had. The cinematic perfection of

The Red Army Returns earned the young director his

first nomination for an Oscar. One critic, Brophy’s very

own Mr. Patrick Kolb said, “Never have I seen a film

that has come close to producing the level of cinematic

masterpiece that has come out of this man’s camera.

Never.” The rumor mill has already been abuzz in an-

ticipation of Mr. Burr’s next project. Many are sure

that it will continue to set a new standard in the film

industry.

Photo Illustration By Austin Tymins ’13

Right: A frustrated freshman

hurled his iPad into a door

after getting stuck in “Angry

Birds Space”

Editors

Austin Tymins ’13

Steven Soto ’13

Moderators

Mr. John Damaso ’97

Mr. Steve Smith ’96

Greatest Birthday Ever

Fr. Harry Olivier, S.J.

The Wrangler is seeking student

writers and contributors. Inter-

ested? Email:

Wrangler@brophybroncos.org

A.M.D.G.

The Wrangler © 2012

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

Issues on Flight 2016

By Kyle Chalmers ’13

Brophy Football took on Santa Margarita last week and made an impressive showing

even against the Eagles’ massive offensive line. The Santa Margarita line weighed in

at an average weight of 304 lbs (.45 kgs) making them one of the biggest offensive lines

in the country even when compared to top Division 1 programs. This factoid, however,

is unsurprising considering Santa Margarita in Spanish roughly translates to “Look

Twenty-Five, Somehow Still Teenagers.” According to unconfirmed reports, this abnormal size may not be completely natural.

Brophy’s famous drug-sniffing dog gang was on site for Friday’s game, though they

didn’t get to witness much of the on-field action as they were distracted by the Santa

Margarita bus. The dogs scratched and yelped at the bus for the duration of the game,

seemingly excited by something. Upon investigation, authorities found copious

amounts of bull testosterone hidden under a seat. This medically-induced size was

most evident as the Californian team returned to the field after halftime in a stam-

pede, which caused the U.S. Geological Survey to notice Richter scale activity measur-

ing 4.3. Reports are beginning to surface that indicate Santa Margarita has been recruiting

foreign athletes in order to maintain their prestigious national ranking. One anony-

mous student interviewed by The Wrangler drew the same conclusion while watching

the game, “I’m absolutely positive that I recognized a few of the lineman from the East

German Olympic shot-put team. And yes, I have watched reruns of all the Cold War-

era Olympic Games in my spare time.” Brophy athletic authorities, well aware of the

situation, have begun a scouting program in Polynesia and are looking to tap into simi-

lar talent pools around the world. According to a new Brophy policy change, all inter-

national immersion trip groups are required to include a football scout. As if their size wasn’t punishment enough, the entire Santa Margarita team ate at

Culver’s the night before and nearly forced the Brophy-frequented establishment out of

business. The branch manger confirmed reports alleging that the restaurant was

about to run out of butter for the burgers and nearly resorted to serving just regular

burgers. Mr. Reithmann concluded that the Santa Margarita team reminded him of a similar

team from back in the day, “I haven’t seen boys that big since St. Patrick’s in ´42 out of

Brooklyn, may their names live in infamy.”

Meme By Grayson Kelly ’14

By Austin Tymins ’13 and Griffen Tymins ’14

As freshmen boarded Flight 2016 on August 24th, they thought that the duration of their

flight would remain peaceful and calm. Their assumption, that Brophy Airlines would be

a first class and luxurious air travel company, quickly faded. “I was expecting some

plush, leather seats that reclined with a wide variety of drink choices and a pleasant

flight crew,” said Fritosh Mann ’16, “instead there were no such delicacies.”

Complaints against the airline company are varied and plentiful, and they begin with the

earliest stages of Flight 2016. Upon boarding the aircraft, Brophy freshmen were greeted

by pilots who seemed to be more interested in playing obnoxiously loud music over the

intercom than actually flying. Flight attendants never followed up on passenger’s drink

orders, and instead proceeded to hula hoop passengers for no clear reason. “All I wanted

was a nice flight home after a tough business trip in the Hamptons,” said La’ Kisha Doo

’16, a Xavier Prep freshwoman, “instead I was forced to stand and dance by the most

annoying crew ever.”

Several complaints were filed against Brophy Airlines after freshmen passengers became

irritated by the aforementioned occurrences. The crew, which is currently under investi-

gation by the Federal Aviation Administration, was unable to be reached for further com-

ments regarding their outlandish behavior. The most severe penalty that the FAA can

place against Brophy Airlines Crew 2016 is the removal and confiscation of their notori-

ous in-flight stereo. “The flight was horrible and I was ready to jump off the plane at any

moment, but there were some sick subs on that flight” said Dalulu Orlham ’16. All fu-

ture flights are pending as the fate of the airline’s future is determined.

The Flip Side

Santa Claus not Santa Margarita

We want YOU!

Infographic By Alec Knappenberger ’13

Are you looking for a way to channel your inner wittiness?

Want to be a part of the greatest publication on a grand total

of eight continents, not including Antarctica? Are you a great

writer who is talented, clever, spontaneous, and most im-

portantly, good-looking? Then, The Wrangler wants you as a

member. Please refer to the following five reasons to join our

writing staff:

1. Be part of the Brophy media elite

2. Poke fun at your teachers and peers!

3. Exquisite shenanigry

4. Refined social gatherings

5. Increases your Harvard chances 600%

Also, be sure to “like” us on Facebook. Ya dig?

Email wrangler@brophybroncos.org to get involved.