Real . Comfortable . News.

The Wrangler

Economy not any better after debate in Ms. Guffey's Econ class

News in Briefs Poetry Out Loud dis-

missed as “unoriginal”

Mr. Danforth to enter

GOP nomination race

“Freeman Arch” renamed

“Morgan Freeman Arch”

Act of Valor, Project X

passed over for Summit

Film Festival

Student sends test an-

swers to friend, acci-

dentally uses SnapChat

Senior class’s flight de-

layed, still two months of

school

Wrangler tops Roundup in

Myspace friends

Seniors too busy playing

Skyrim to come up with

shenanigans

President’s Office ac-

quires milestone 100th

dog

Printed on recycled Roundups

By Peter Scobas ’12

Middlemist Super PAC vying for deanship By Austin Tymins ’13

It has been difficult in recent months to separate Su-

per PAC comedy from reality, and that trend is also

alive at Brophy. Super PACs were created by a Su-

preme Court decision that allowed unlimited and

nearly untraceable fundraising for political organiza-

tions. Unfortunately, Brophy has not been spared

from the political mud-slinging that so often accom-

panies Super PACs.

Mr. Middlemist ’87 plans to take advantage of this

ruling through his newly minted “Citizens for Re-

storing the Galactic Empire PAC,” which works to-

wards winning the deanship election in May by any

means necessary. Dean Higgins is the target of most

of the PAC’s attack ads which are being orchestrated

by master political strategist Boston Kimmons ’13.

“Boston and I are very close friends. In fact, we talk

on the phone nearly every night. But only about non-

Super PAC things of course,” said Mr. Middlemist

with a wink.

Middlemist didn’t want to divulge the names on his

donor list, but it was ultimately required by federal

law, which “may or may not apply on Endor,” said

Middlemist. The list revealed he had received $20

from the accounting office (for a new stylus), a $10

Culver’s gift card from Mr. Grindey, one thousand

dollars and a case of Snickers from Mr. Daggett,

and a year-long front of the line pass from Mr. Bu-

chanan.

The Super PAC has been spending its funds on an all

-out ad campaign against the well-entrenched incum-

bent. Restoring the Galactic Empire PAC and the

Daily Bulletin have reached an advertising agree-

ment, and a billboard deal is being negotiated for the

Graham Plaza.

“I don’t see why this is such a big deal,” said a disil-

lusioned sophomore. “Maybe instead of attacking

each other through politics they could just battle it

out on light saber day?”

As expected, Mr. Middlemist immediately accepted

the challenge and began preparing for May 4th.

From the moment she began teaching her wildly

inauspicious and downright dogmatic Period 5 AP

Economics class, Brophy teacher Ms. Guffey has

been “completely captivated by their pitiful rhetoric

and constant use of logical fallacies,” Guffey told

Wrangler reporter, Alan Greenspan ’14.

“The classroom debates are brilliant,” explained

Guffey, who wakes up every morning questioning

what she must have done to deserve the punish-

ment of having to teach students who have abso-

lutely no grasp of the economy, or even reality, for

that matter.

“From their irrational arguments of invading Chi-

na, to their duly incoherent statements about sup-

ply side economics, the class brings forth lackluster

ideas that wholly show their complete lack of any

reasonable solutions to the economic recession. It’s

mesmerizing to just stop and listen,” beamed

Guffey, “I’m so lucky to be able to teach this amaz-

ing group of spoiled, self-centered scholars.”

As reported by Wrangler insiders close to the group,

one student was “fairly confident” that a recent

heated debate in class will “without a doubt” lead to

economic stability, even though the already stagger-

ing national debt increased by $160 million during

the 50-minute quarrel last Wednesday.

“I was in utter euphoria hearing the students con-

tinually grow more bigoted as they bickered about

how fix the income gap between the rich and poor,”

recalled Guffey, with a proud look of delight on her

face.

According to an unnamed source, the class erupted

into chants of “Outerspace! Outerspace!” followed

by fits of self-pitying laughter at the conclusion of

the Mock-Congress, even though the wealth gap

continues to grow at an alarming rate.

2012 Summ

it Champions

March 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Fifteen

Science Fair project investigates use of

poster-board and construction paper By Jack Welty ’12

Brophy’s annual Science Fair took place this

past month, and the sophomore class swept

the top positions in a shocking upset that left

campus buzzing. The traditionally laid-back

exhibition of scientific talent was “rocked”

by something the Science Department is call-

ing a revolution in modern science.

The project garnering so much attention was

a tri-fold display from sophomore Albert E.

Stein ’14. Albert is currently enrolled in

Honors Chemistry, but his project had noth-

ing to do with the Periodic Table or super

saturated solutions. Albert’s groundbreaking

work was a social experiment and it has been

declared a tremendous success by all in at-

tendance.

Al Stein’s project, “An Exploration of Explo-

rations,” blew away Wrangler editors and

physics teachers alike. He managed to take

home the gold despite not doing any actual

science. His breathtaking display consisted

simply of meaningless graphs, colored con-

struction paper, and paragraphs full of scien-

tific buzzwords.

“The hypotheses, data collection, and synergy

present are simply outstanding,” remarked

Ms. Cheryl Lenox. “In all my years as a

teacher here at Brophy, I have never seen a

student with such inquisitiveness, brilliance,

and sheer desire not to do any work, and I

think it’s very commendable.”

Other students around campus were im-

pressed and disappointed at the same time.

“I just can’t believe I never thought of it my-

self,” remarked Slack Jackson ’12. “I mean,

I’m a second semester senior, not actually

doing the project is pretty much my job.”

Stein’s classmates and fellow competitors

had less praise for the budding scientist.

“I built a bio-reactor out of water bottles to

test the oil-producing efficiency of desert

algae,” explained another sophomore, who

wished to remain anonymous. “The fact that I

got beat by some fancy Excel graphs and

flashy WordArt is simply outrageous,”

Despite the mixed reviews, Albert has re-

mained positive about his project. He will

now be moving on to the Arizona state sci-

ence fair and we asked him if he plans to

make any changes for the next level of com-

petition.

“I mean, I definitely don’t plan on putting a

lot of work into it, but I might pull out my

computer and just show a Youtube video of

fireworks or something,” said Albert Stein.

“I think Governor Brewer would definitely

go for some pictures of cats.”

Science Fair Checklist Win next year’s prize with these items!

□ At least 3 colors of construction

paper

□ Bar graphs with identical pie

charts right next to them

□ Laptop playing irrelevant

Mythbusters clip

□ Pictures of you and your partner

in lab coats and goggles

Middlemist’s Super PAC Logo.

Photo Illustration by Jack Welty ’12

Ms. Guffey looks on in shock as a student

explains his solution to the Greek debt crisis.

Lead Editors:

Sean Cahill ’12

Jack Welty ’12

Lackeys to the Editors:

Rohan Andresen ’12

Henry Miller ’12

Kyle Padden ’12

Peter Scobas ’12

Steven Soto ’13

Austin Tymins ’13

Aeronautics Correspondent:

Jet Man

Moderators:

Mr. John Damaso ’97

Mr. Steve Smith ’96

The Wrangler is seeking student

writers and contributors. Interested?

Wrangler@brophybroncos.org

A.M.D.G.

The Wrangler © 2012

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

Accreditors give Brophy “F” By Kyle Chalmers ’13

In a 734-page report last week, the accreditation

team from the Western Catholic Educational As-

sociation delivered its decision on Brophy’s sta-

tus as an educational institution of moderate

learning: Failing.

The report explained why they believe Brophy

should be shut down and its community should

all be locked in solitary confinement.

The first issue the team noted in their report was

when Dr. Samuel Ewing screeched to a stop,

just inches from educators, in his neon green

1843 Lexus Model T. They stated that Ewing

proceeded to tease them about their lack of fash-

ion and general un-classiness. Ewing took partic-

ular issue with Sister Maria, as she made the

cardinal sin of wearing a plaid beret with striped

pants.

The accreditors also stated in their report that

Mr. Timothy Broyles tried to kidnap them and

take them to El Salvador. He invited the group

in for tea and biscuits at break one day, and once

they were all in his room, he proceeded to hand

them all airline tickets to El Salvador. When lat-

er asked about why he did this, Broyles merely

said, “All of Brophy is in solidarity with El Salva-

dor, so they need to accredit the country too!”

Next, the accreditors had the misfortune of experienc-

ing a senior shenanigan called, “Trip the Accreditors

Day.” When the accreditors uncovered that student

Pran King ’12 was the main culprit of this prank, the

team reported him to the dean. They were shocked to

find out the only disciplinary action given to him was

“knucks” and a blessing from Harry “Dutch” Olivier

S.J.

The accreditors were also shocked by the quality of

classes found at Brophy. For example, when they sat

down in Mr. Tom Danforth ’78’s Intro to Acting/

Sanskrit class, they reported that he told all of his stu-

dents they were wrong and nobody loved them.

Throughout the report, the accreditors mentioned that

Mr. Pete Burr ’77 creepily followed their every move

and caught every moment of their visit on film. The

clips were then set to techno music and uploaded to

Youtube.

As a final statement of disapproval, accreditation

spokeswoman Sister Maria said, “Nothing good goes on

here. Everybody is evil. If you have ever seen the mov-

ie The Book of Eli, you know what I’m talking about. It

feels like the apocalypse every day.”

It is unknown whether the WCEA will follow-through

on their promise to close the school, but it has been

rumored that Brophy will be turned into a public

school.

Mr. Nelson ’96 to be keynote speaker at next OPEC meeting

By Alex Khan ’13

Last year, beloved Brophy teacher Mike Nelson

moved to Dubai to “teach” at an international

school. Our sources have confirmed that upon

arrival, Mr. Nelson proceeded to start drilling

wells in his newly inherited oil fields just out-

side of the city of Dubai.

Mr. Nelson’s new-found wealth and vast quan-

tities of oil attracted attention, and Mike

“Petrol” Nelson was asked to be the keynote

speaker at OPEC’s next meeting.

One prominent oil sheik said, “I can’t wait until

he announces his hot album of the week. That’s

the only reason I come to these meetings any-

ways.”

The hot album of the week was one of the first

things that Mr. Nelson brought to OPEC upon

his induction. He also created a new set of rules

for prospective members. Included is a rule that

says, “All prospective members must fight each

other to the death— 600 enter, 300 survive—

that’s how we choose who gets in.”

He was last seen selling passes to the “Pool on

the OPEC roof” to prospective members after

this talk.

Another member said, “Mr. Nelson has brought

many new clubs to OPEC. He recently bought

FIFA and every day at lunch we pick teams and

tell them how to play each other.”

When asked for a comment, Mr. Nelson said, “I

love being part of OPEC, and I believe that Nel-

son Oil will be a big name in years to come. It

will also be long lasting. In fact, I am grooming

my son Exxon to take over the company.”

According to insiders, despite his monotone

voice, Mr. Nelson’s speech should be riveting.

Mr. Nelson speaking at last month’s meeting.

Photo Illustration by Andrew Bender ’13

The Wrangler’s completely legitimate page not

pilfered from an accreditor’s clipboard. Photo

illustration by Alec Knappenberger ’13

Caption Contest Where does that ladder

lead to? What’s happening

on the roof of the gym?

Kindly send your caption

to Mr. Damaso on the

back of the most recent

issue of The Roundup.

Include $10 for early

consideration.