By Brendan Fries ‟11

Real . Comf ortab le . New s .

The Wrangler May 2010

Edition Roman Numeral Four

News in Briefs

New tutoring program to

utilize ChatRoulette, ac-

cess to “thousands of dif-

ferent tutors” touted

Handbook amendment

calls for limit on Brophy-

sponsored lapel pins, pro-

ponents cite “too much

bling”

Mr. Johnson calls Eng-

lishGrammar101

“epicurean”

Book checked out from

Information Commons for

“old times‟ sake”

Parking lot manners class

offered to St. Francis par-

ents

Bring-your-own-theme

day scheduled for end of

May

Word association exercise

for “mom” fails to elicit

“prom”

Tecra M4s found in Used

Electronics Recycling

Drive bins

APUSH Exam [censored]

Debate over Brophy‟s longtime lunch line-cutting dilemma

was rekindled with the recent passage of a controversial

new line policy. Administrative Bill 1070, requires Brophy

line regulators to inquire into the line-status of any Bro-

phy student given reasonable suspicion. It also requires

that line regulators enforce the policy to the fullest, thus

preventing weak areas where students take advantage of

the lenient regulators.

Any student unable to provide proof that he is in the line

legally can be given a JUG and forced to take his own

lunch to school, as well as any student harboring friends

illegally. In addition, the policy criminalizes the act of

“impeding the progression of the lunch line,” a common

occurrence when students stop to receive money and or-

ders from friends.

The bill first turned heads when it mentioned “reasonable

suspicion,” which would encourage the faculty prefects to

profile students based on facial expressions, according to a

group that opposes the measure. We‟re planning massive

boycotts of Brophy,” said Heather Evans, a junior at Moun-

tain Ridge High School in Glendale. “Line-cutters every-

where need to stand as one against this injustice!”

Results from a survey conducted during an additional 25-

minute period tacked on to the end of school day show that

70 percent of Brophy students support the bill.

“A lot of people are angry that kids just cruise to the front

of the line illegally without respect for the law,” said

Gregor Penn ‟12, who supports the bill. “What part of

„illegal‟ don‟t they get?”

While many disagree with the act of line-cutting, there is

rampant concern that Jugging the line cutters would not

only decrease profits, but could possibly make the line even

slower due to the focus on cutters instead of regulation.

The Brophy administration pledged to step up the use of

force in dealing with the line-cutting issue until the law

takes effect at the end of the school year, at which time,

analysis of past situations indicate, that nobody will even

care.

Michael’s Food to Become Biodegradable, Fifty Cents More Expensive After receiving much praise from the

Office of Faith and Justice, Michael's

will continue their green spree, this

time affecting their food, not their

drinks. You guessed it, Michael's food

will now become biodegradable, but the

trade off is fifty cents.

When interviewed, Chef David said:

"The biodegradable cups were just us

testing the water to see if there was a

market for 'green products,' and the

answer was a resounding yes!" After

crunching numbers, sales of beverages

have gone up at Michael's nearly 20%,

the root of this rapid growth can be

pinned on the OFJ. Ms. Gallagher alone has been seen in Michael's pur-

chasing soda in the new biodegradable

cups at least five times a day. When

asked about her recent purchases she

responded: "The soda-pop wasn‟t made

in sweatshops so I can buy as much of it

as I want."

OFJ aside, the next target on Michael's

"to-make-eco-friendly" list was the food.

And after months of careful planning

and intensive research, Michael's has

found a way to make their food actually

biodegradable; however, the price will

increase by fifty cents. Michael's Corpo-

rate doubts the price increase will deter

customers, seeing as the price in

chicken tenders has steadily increased

over the last three years and sales re-

main steady.

Word on the street tells a different

story. When asked about the upcoming

change, Brophy student America Fun-

hall '12 said, "It‟s kind of mind-

boggling to think that their food wasn‟t

biodegradable in the past, I mean isn't

that like a law of nature or something?"

Fellow student Bob Böppe '11 ex-

pressed similar concerns, "So you‟re

telling me that for three years I've been

eating two meals a day that aren't pro-

viding me with nutrients that fuel my

brain? That might explain a lot about

our class‟s behavior."

On the bright side, it does appear that

students will not be deterred, let alone

notice, the price increase or the change

in essential composition of the products

sold as food in the Great Hall.

By Jordan Bohannon ‟12

Printed on recycled Roundups

As many of you may have sus-

pected, Mr. John Buchanan is not just the kind but stern musta-

chioed figure that dispenses be-

nevolent justice from the seat of

his golf cart. Although details from

his past are hazy, after painstak-

ing research1, I discovered that Mr.

B had spent time as an “enforcement-advisor” in Haiti

2 and Afghanistan3 . Most Brophy

students are probably aware of the

policy that every faculty and staff

member must teach a class, from

Chef David’s Adventures in Culi-

nary Extortion to Mr. Larry Orr’s

seminar on The Philosophy of Awe-

someness. This policy would seem-

ingly not extend to Mr. B as he “officially” teaches no class, but I

found that not to be the case. In

fact, Mr. B does teach a class, but this class does not appear on any course

catalogue; rather, it is offered to only a se-

lect group of students, and its final grades

do not appear on a transcript, but are tat-

tooed into the student‟s very skin.

I became aware of this class when I was ap-

proached by a student currently taking the

course. Let‟s call him “Rack Megan.” This

student told me he had a hot lead

(journalistic term for exciting story, or an

attractive singer in a band) but in return I

would have to give him something in. It

would cost me far too many Chipotle burri-

tos but I knew it would be worth it. “Rack

Megan” invited me to observe the class for a

week, and I took him up on his offer.

“The class” as it is referred to by those in-the

-know, meets during “study halls” and “free

periods.” The curriculum starts with such

basic skills as: underwater knife fighting,

blindfolded street racing, hostage rescue,

disarming a man armed with a RPG, sniper-

rappelling, and tiger fighting. If a student

has not failed or been maimed by the end of

the quarter, then they move onto the ad-

vanced curriculum of: rescuing people from a

burning building while hacking the Penta-

gon, impersonating an astronaut, punching

someone so hard they thank you for it, em-

bezzling millions of dollars using a TI-83,

and the classic back-flipping

hatchet attack. Mr. B also has monthly tactical exercises where

the “clandestine activities” really

come into play. Although I do not

know the real objectives of these

exercises, I do know the covers or-

ganized to protect them from the

common masses. Every wonder

what was going on in the rest of our

campus when everyone was busy

watching our near-riot, the Invisible

Battle, in the mall? Or the suspi-

cious lockdown due to “law enforce-

ment” activity on Central?

“The class” culminates with a final

exam called Operation Indigo Sword

for which students are required to

recreate the hostile takeover of a

third world country. When asked if

he had anything to say about his

secret class, Mr. B skillfully performed a conversational evasion and responded: “I‟ve

never been to Haiti.” Touché, Mr. B, touché. So if during finals week someone asks you if

you‟ve ever considered deposing Mr. Bopp, or

maybe inquires if you would transfer a

“package” for them, don‟t be worried. Actu-

ally, perhaps you should be worried; I‟m not

entirely sure that the final is only an exer-

cise, and not a real operation.

1 Googling “The Real John Buchanan” 2 Verified. 3 Not verified. 2 Actually not verified either.

Exclusive Editorial: Finals Approach for Mr. B’s “Clandestine Activities” Class

Administrative Bill 107o To Criminalize Illegal Presence in Lunch Line By Jackson Bentley ‟13

Pictured: Mr. B’s “Clandestine Activities” class

Not pictured: your fear

The new food is clearly biodegradable, as evidenced

in this stirring photograph released to the public.

Detained: These students face JUG under the new lunch-line

law, dubbed “America’s toughest.”

Recipient of Presidential

Citation for Outstanding Bravery

“Well, I guess summer is part of life, and lax is

life, so… laxlaxlaxlaxlax.”

- Flowmeister Adrenaline ‟12

“I don‟t have time to gym, tan, and do my laundry,

so I‟ll probably just do my laundry.

- Marco Chorizo ‟10

“Formspring. And maybe, if I get bored, I‟ll watch

„Talladega Nights.‟”

- JT Jackson ‟12

“Gonna camp out for Lady GaGa, then follow her

until she loves me like in that song.”

- Drew Cullen ‟13

“College starts in September, so that gives me 9

months to just unwind in Mission.”

- Tyler Iamdone ‟10

“Hustling and stunting like its one long weekend.”

- Connor Cross ‟13

You Have Turned The Page

Special: I Shouldn’t Be Alive (True Stories From the Lockdown)

A Line of Time in Tribute of the 2009-2010 School Year

By Keith Bender ‟11

Editors Keith Bender ‟11

Henry Wilky ‟11

Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11

Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97

Mr. Steve Smith ‟96

Conservation Consultants British Petroleum

Interested in contributing? Email: wrangler@brophybroncos.org

A.M.D.G.

The Wrangler © 2010 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

Either Lifetime or Disney (can’t quite re-

member which one) has a series about the

incredible human morale catapulting

individuals through life threatening

situations, situations they shouldn’t have

gotten through alone.

I, Kyle Underseth, shouldn‟t have been

alive on April 19th, 2010.

I walked into my 4th hour English class

thinking all was going as it has so many

days before. I sat down at my desk, made

fun of the kid‟s hair to my left, and then

proceeded to “hard shutdown” my tablet

for the sixth time that day. Very typical.

Discussion started, but minutes later,

had become much too heated for an ado-

lescent such as myself to handle. I raised

my hand and asked for a pardon to use

the water closet. The moment I was out

the door, I realized I had been spared,

but I thought too soon.

After relieving myself, I headed for the

sink. However, moments before I could

wash my hands, a voice came over the

PA. “Faculty and Staff, please pardon the

interruption.” At first, I thought it was

Mitchell, my father, but soon realized the

man speaking to me in the bathroom had

far too soothing of a voice to be my own

dad. It had to be the one and only Dean

of Students.

“There is police activity taking place in

the Central Avenue corridor, which is

causing us to go into a modified lock-

down. We will be locking the outer school

gates until 12:45 p.m. or until further

notice. Classes can continue as planned.”

Despite the fact that we all understood

him the first time, his voice echoed the

same directions over and over again. I

was scared. Without thinking or washing

my hands (don‟t tell my mom), I headed

straight for class. I was not going to get involved with the police again. I had just

been released from juvie two weeks ago. I

scaled the walls of Brophy Hall, avoided

the one, oddly placed security camera

and dodged into class just as my legs

started to feel flaccid and begun to give

out. As far as I could tell, nobody could

tell I had even left the room, not even

Multivac.

By Kyle Underseth „10

A LESSON IN Brophy time

SIGHTED: QUALITY OF LITTER IMPROVING

Many students and members of the community have expressed

confusion about the official “Brophy Time” system used to man-

age school events, such as the Awards Assembly. The Wrangler has been provided with a diagram of the complex time schemat-

ics that were used to run the 2010 Awards Assembly.

AWARDS ASSEMBLY (WITH PLANNED 40 MINUTE EXTENSION)

BREAK

PERIOD 3 (BONUS CLASS

TIME)

Email War! Documenting abuses of the “AllStudents” feature since 2006

“Enjoying the soothing qualities of synthetic turf

and its rejuvenating resemblance in tempera-

ture to a Finnish sauna.”

- Anonymous

“I‟m going to watch 40,000 YouTube rap videos

so I can find the next Tha Joker. Then I‟ll be the

coolest because I‟ll have liked him way before he

was even popular.”

- Justin Bieber ‟11

“A buddy of mine has a friend whose neighbor

has these mad hookups and he can get us into

Big Surf whenever we want. So we‟ll be doing

that.”

- Michael Sellers „12

“I‟m doing summer school before freshmen year

because everyone says that‟s when you can im-

press all the ladies in class, and after school they

all go swimming on the roof!”

- Nolan Naivety „14

WHAT ARE YOUR SUMMER PLANS? The Wrangler asks another deep question,

emphasized by the fact that this line of text is in italics

August: School back by

popular demand, 78%

of students report sig-

nificant hair loss due to

JUG threats

September: Students

riot as diet soda,

healthy drinks fill

vending machines

October: Mr. Ho, SJ

asked to leave casino

night on suspicion of

card-counting

November: Swim

teams wins state ti-

tle, individual win-

ners perform victory

laps with time to

spare

December: “If 100,000

people join this, Mr.

Gaimari will shave

his beard” Facebook

group hailed as suc-

cess

January: Student ex-

cused from school to

conduct long-term sci-

entific experiment on

human hibernation

February: Freshmen

saddened to learn

that high school stu-

dents do not partici-

pate in Valentine‟s

Day tradition of bring-

ing tacky cards, candy

to school

March: School ascends

a summit on human

dignity with help of

native trail guides

April: “Spring

Break Oh-Ten

No Regrets” tat-

too regretted

May: Student acci-

dentally disengages

safety on lightsaber

during one-on-one

combat, limbs lost

The latest confrontation and a sure sign

that the Administrative Alliance is looking

to attack came in the form of a barrage of

subversive emails received during the first

three hours of school on Monday, March

1st. Students who were encouraged to

check their emails during 4th hour were

hit with a steady spray of missives from

administrative figures, including several

high-ranking officials.

The attack, however, was seemingly not

well coordinated and lacked a cohesive

effort from the Admin. Early reports indi-

cated that the confusion was intentional

and designed to cause students to be late

to class, forcing students to serve JUGs.

However, it was observed that the assault

employed a variety of technologies, includ-

ing three messages sent with high impor-

tance and one with an attachment, pre-

sumably containing a complex virus.

Gmail spam filters were only able to stop

two emails, allowing nine to pass freely

into students‟ inboxes.

An observant student snapped this

photo of the continued

“gentrification” of campus litter.

The seniors ultimately decided to move their

cars not because of threats of tow-aways and

police involvement, but because Father

Reese had begun seriously contemplating

holding a live auction of the vehicles on the

spot to raise money for the school.

Photo courtesy of Ms. Stefani