the wissahickon

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Editor-In-Chief

Greg Lobanov

Writers

Chris Eisenhower

Anthony Gacita

Greg Lobanov

Nick McCall

Sam Morse

Justin Purnell-Anglin

Tate Sager

John Tordoff

Charles Trulear

Cameron Vass

Dustin Wilson

Artists

Matt Brenman

Greg Lobanov

Tate Sager

Contributor-in-Spirit

Cameron Vass

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Table of Contents

From The Eyes of Catullus 4

River 6

I Do 6

Two Riders on the Horizon 7

At First There Was Nothing 13

Emails From Cornfield University 15

A Light Love Poem 17

Vonnegut 18

19

A Reflection In Values 21

The British Hitler Sitcom Disaster 25

Guise 27

Paradoxical Logic 30

Senses 31

A Bear Floating in the Sky 32

Tree 35

Review: Dedication 2 36

Review: In The Days Before Celebrity Gossip 37

Reviews Wrap-Up 39

In Defense of Cynicism 41

Integrity Doctrine 43

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From the Eyes of Catullus Tate Sager

Gaius Valerius Catullus lived from 84-54 B.C ., during the end of the Roman Republic. Catullus was part of a group of poets known as the Neoterics, who brought an infusion of Greek poetic principles to their work. Our assignment for Latin was to write our own poem in the voice of Catullus. Verona awaits me, and I will not disappoint her. I follow the curves of the Monti Lessini with my eyes, While her breath, the wind, flows through the lush grass, soft as your skin. The vines are heavy with grapes, swelling and full, ready to be picked. Soon, with the approaching harvest, the grapes will fall into baskets, And the olives will be pressed. The fields will be bare, but still their beauty will capture my eye. Still I will walk the rows, and waste time watching the sunset cast an infinite array of colors. A passion of mine burns for this country, Which supplies Rome with merriment through good drink, Which has tried to captures the soul of my fatherland, but is never able to. Would you ever sit here by my side? Come to Verona with me, where I grew up and dined with the great Caesar. Come here so that I may shame the beauty of my country Because she is not as beautiful as you. Verona does not have eyes that sparkle like the stars, Nor a voice that sends heat flowing under my skin.

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But just now the grapes and olives, just pressed into oil, adorn my dining table in a beautiful arrangement. And the servants of my father wash my feet and dress me. You are not here. I pray to the Venuses and Cupids that you think of me here, Alone and yearning for you, Hoping that you will emerge from the ember sunset. And your beauty would scorch the earth where you stand, Giving respect to one more worthy than she. But to Rome I will again return, to see my Clodia in all her glory, For there you are already bowed to by the crowds. But they do not love you as I do.

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Photo by Matt Brenman

I Do

Justin Purnell-Aglin

Have you had a bad day?

I know not if it will

I know not if it will not

Ergo I claim

Not yet

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Two Riders on the Horizon

Charles Trulear VI

Jack said all the time. He was an interesting man. He was known for reading Watchmen

sometimes got funny looks for singing that song endlessly, but he never ceased.

It was a song that summed up a large part view on the world. In many ways he wanted to escape his place in the world, as he saw little real purpose in life and felt people were too stupid. The confusion of everyday life stressed Jack out and rarely did he feel any form of relief. But that was about to change. It started as a regular day, of course. Jack woke up, showered, shaved, ate breakfast, read the paper a bit, and then got on the bus for work. He sat down and rode three stops until another man got on and sat next to him. Jack began his usual routine and started off the song.

Thief he kindly spoke. For there are many here among us who

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eyeing the man strangely.

Matthew reached into his pocket and gave a -mail,

else to fly with me over th

Matthew got off the bus. Jack got off later, thinking of the event that transpired. Matthew certainly seemed like an interesting character, but perhaps he was not quite the kind of person you wanted to associate with. On the other hand, here was someone who, if not completely shared his views, agreed with them somewhat. People like that were hard to find.

He got out a coin. Jack looked at both sides of it and narrowed his choices. First there was the choice of telling someone else, say his wife (heads) or not (tails). He flipped. Tails. Now whether (tails) or not (heads) to respond to Matthew. He flipped. Tails. Finally, did he want to go meet him (tails)? He flipped for the final time. Tails.

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He sat back in his chair, bored as usual. Work always bored him. Is anything ever productive, he asked himself. He

business. Jack chuckled at the idea of a sticky fingered locksmith and opened his e-mail.

Matthew said. Jack had gone home at the end of the day and

nary.

The walls were blank, he did not have a TV, there was a shelf of books in what appeared to be the living room and a blanket

Matthew said with a smile. He brought the drinks and sat

Jack hesitated. He looked around the minimalist house and out the window. He took a sip of water and began.

know what I

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makes things work the way they do. And because you never know which of the two is at work, you can never feel at ease

joker. I think anyone can be the joker or the thief. But I prefer

right in some ways. But you can feel at ease about the forces of

-grade and

Jack nodded. He had so far found someone who agreed with him and had a valid point of his own. Was Matthew the right man? Jack had only one way to find out.

choice, and you chose to come here. But as for the point of

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stupid, but rather that they need to be changed. As I said, I

today. I want the world to see a universally simple life. Think

definition varies so much among individuals and their

knfor lack of a better word. Tell me something. How were your last years of high school? I ask because mine were filled with

ve to

that we still have old caveman instincts ingrained in us. And we are still programmed to be let go from our families at a

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Matthew finished his glass of water and leaned forward. Jack leaned forward also, curious as to why Matthew would do this.

be like cavemen again in terms of our thinking. I want people to go back to using their basic primal instinct to survive and

through natural selection. I know this is a crazy idea. I know that I have to come up with some set of rules or something. Ijust something I want. I think the world will turn smoother if

world run in a different manner.

material possessions and other things connected to the modern

That was the first of many meetings. Every week Jack and Matthew met until eventually they decided that they would pool their money and construct a mind wiping ray to shoot across the whole world. They bought the supplies and worked hard for years until it was complete. Jack and Matthew shook hands as they warmed up the machine. It made a sound like a wildcat growling and as the power level increased, the wind began to howl.

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At First There Was Nothing

Dustin Wilson 1 First God made The Network & The Macbook 2 The Network was without form and void, darkness was upon the face of the Macbook as it turned on, booted up and jacked in; and the Spirit of The Network was moving over the face of the waters. 3 And God said, "Let there be Power"; and there was Power. 4 And God saw that the Power was good; and God separated the light from the darkness with sleep mode. And there was one login and there was morning, one day. 6 And God said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst the Macbooks, and let it separate the Macbooks from the PCs" 7 And God called the firmament the Username. And the Macbook was Turned Off and there was night, a second day. 9 And God said, "Let the

ace, and let the dry land appear." And it was so.10 God called the dry land the Control Panel, And God saw that he could access his settings with a single click, and it was good. 11 God pushed The waters from the Control Panel to the remainder of the screen which he deemed the Desktop And God said, "Let the Control Panel put forth Programs, and Apps for His amusement. And God saw that it was good. And God made two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, which he called Chrome and the lesser light to rule the night which he called Safari; he made the stars also, distant to the Macbook He called them Netscape and Internet Explorer. 17 And God set them up, held aloft by the Network to give light and infinite omnipotent wisdom upon the User, 20

And God said, "Let the Internet bring forth swarms of living Pages, and let them fly above the Internet and across the Network" 21 So God created the viral webpages and every page, and every worthwhile page according to its kind with the

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favorites bar. And God saw that it was good. 22 And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the Internet." And the world expanded into life, greatness was born, Twitter, Facebook, Blogs, DownloadMovies and a plethora of other pages which he did not imbue with such authority but waiting to be StumbledUpon 24 And God Said, Let there be something which Creates the foggy allusion that the user is working: And

Moodle And God saw that and it was good. Then God said, "Let us make a creature in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the Pages of the Internet, and over the Network of the heavens, and over the resources, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." 27 So God created man, known as the Network Admin in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (But statistically, mostly male). 28 And God blessed them, and God said to them Go forth and

knowledge it was the greatest of sources, and God, Pleased with his work, rested. The Admins, devoted to their God spread the gospel of the Macbook, and faithful users came together in the tech corner, and the world was good.

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Emails From Cornfield University

The following is the correspondence received by Greg Lobanov from Cornfield University over the course of the 2009-2010 school year.

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A Light Love Poem


Love

Yet she hides in bent light

She denies its existence

As if the truth is not even ours

My instrument:

The Guitar

My strings:

Light

My sound:

Love?

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Tate Sager

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Dear future wife,

No longer do you need to hide

Because God sent me that in such a man you may confide

I am never travelled at a distance of more than one full day

I am

Never

Far

Far

Away

Plus!

Men, even in my stupidity

Have been able to harness electrons and light

Though not in their hands (yet)

But through towers they say they wield

Even though God is the only one who holds the whole world in His hands

I can come to you

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On the backs of photons

universal understanding

but rather

He made us cross paths and sooner or later I just had to ask

Myself

Thanking Him

You answered

And along with that You and you answered my prayers

Put all of my cares at ease and eased this young body and restless mind and soul

And maybe I wish I could pour my soul into your body so that our minds could connect

Then I would never have to reconnect to you through blasphemously claimed power by men who say they have harnessed God like He only exists inside particle accelerators

This power line between us would be everlasting and no storm could knock it down

in music

But I love this music

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Even if it makes me sick of moving

And thinking about losing you

But you need to come out of hiding

And maybe your soul is already in me

So thank you for the poem at 17

And you with me

Even though we may not have met

Though I think we have

So allow me to reintroduce myself through time and over space all of space

The now pronounced husband

And you, the soon-to-be wife

(I love you)

Signed,

Trust

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A Reflection On Values

Nick McCall

Here in reflection I sit and writhe,

For I see the wasted time out of my reach.

If only I could just go back,

And fix all that my past does lack,

Then maybe, life, I would not thee beseech.

My wrinkles plentiful and gaping,

My hair is constantly escaping,

I await the day that I expire.

But death is not a living state,

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To leave behind my feet a path of fire.

Yet all I do is moan and cry,

Do little more then question why,

Little do I ever try

To rise and give the couch a sigh

And give one final sprint in this great race

When all I want is closure

To retain some more composure

In the box behind my family as they speak.

The one so fabled drawing near,

Instead of weep I think at my death s peak.

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If my family is going to share,

And the pain at my chest then calms.

Insurance in the form of psalms

Protect me as I ascend to evermore.

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The British Hitler Sitcom Disaster

John Tordoff

Making a television program requires a fair bit of collaboration; network executives must vet ideas. To make a show, writers, directors and actors must agree on a central vision for the show and at its core this is what makes the

Heil Honey I'm Home!, so unusual. Heil Honey centers on the life of a fictionalized Adolf Hitler and his hilarious shenanigans. I would like to stress that Heil Honey I'm Home! was not only successfully conceived, written, and cast, but eight episodes were completed, one of which was aired. The show included conflicts between Hitler and his older Jewish neighbors. The show characterizes Hitler, played by Neil McCaul, as a bugling, but loveable middle-class workingman with mannerisms eerily reminiscent of Fred Flintstone. He appears with iconic mustache and German military uniform. A great deal of the conflict in Heil Honey I'm Home! couple who are stereotypically quarrelling and petty. Hitler actively despises the Goldensteins and that, combined with a snafu filled visit by Neville Chamberlain, comprise the bulk of the content of the first and only aired episode. Regardless of the controversial nature of the program, the show is incredibly

qualitative merits of a television show, but Heil Honey manages to be a very dull, vacuous sitcom, which is difficult considering its concept is inherently edgy and provocative. One can help, but to ask why? Why make something so incredibly abhorrent? Why make eight episodes, but only air one? Surely the producers could foresee the inevitable controversy that would result after the initial airing.

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Not to digress, but Heil Honey I'm Home!, falls into a strange category of television shows canceled after a single episode. There are nineteen shows which have been canceled after the first episode, only four for content-related reasons:

-on and Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos. Of this category there is a further sub-category of shows which have been cancel before the first episode has finished airing, including the show Turn-on which was a sexually charged derivative of in popular 1960s show Laugh-In and Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos, which featured amateur videos of kangaroo genitals. Upon watching Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos as it aired for the first time, network owner, Kerry Packer, was confirmed to have

1 off the

Doug Mullray from working with his station Network Nine,

entertaining than his initial assessment as many called Network Nine complaining of its cancellation and the 24 minutes aired of the 90 minute series was widely circulation and contains only brief monologues followed by animal intercourse. After

, the show was heavily cut and rebroadcast in 2009, to little fanfare.

1 Wording slightly altered for sensitive readers

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Guise

Nick McCall

People dress the world in beautiful clothing

To disguise its grotesque fear and loathing

But underneath that horrid face

Faith in this inner kindness gone

We replicate with gifts and song

Yet no one believes that it is there

That trust, and love, our souls all share

To see beyond the clothes and masks

Was never a very simple task,

Requires a unique, insightful sleuth

If faith was put in this great light

To see the beauty that is there

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Hidden beyond the monsters glare

We all are frightened of its stare

That lumbering beast that warps our care

With breath like blood and tears and sweat

Its voice like begging, screaming, silence

Its mind is filled with all our violence

With thoughts of gunshots, theft, and rape

But beneath all that (if you can see)

All we would have to do is trust

Then maybe we could live in peace,

Accepting the world for every piece

Of faith, belief, even its faults

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Fear left trapped inside the vault

That we had sealed with all our hearts

Soon after we would see the surface part

The grotesque face would start to split

Because it could no longer fit

The core that had so long been dormant

Expanding to dissolve the torm ent

That had for so long kept it sealed

With the fear we now had locked away

Until that day (if it will come)

Its up to us to take the steps

Towards faith in others innate good

By trusting what we doubt we should

Because that doubt is made of fear

That keeps our view from being clear

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Of pretending to help others frail

But one day we will find the source

Paradoxical Logic


My thoughts occur in paradox.

The psychological arrow of my logic

Forces me to remember my future

And forget that I have had thoughts.

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Tate Sager

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A Bear Floating in the Sky

Anthony Gacita

This weekend is going to suck. Every other weekend, my father drags us all out on some great outdoor adventure. We, my two brothers and I, always try to fight him, but he always wins. Sometimes he promises us gifts and others, he

she has her cup of liquid patience.

He says we are going camping this weekend. The last cWhen I told my dad that I was bored with camping, he picked up a Frisbee and told me to go long. I just walked back into the

magical

As per usual, I drag my bag of clothes down the

what he could possibly be smiling aboto do so many times, I give a big smile back. He grabs my bag

adventures.

The drive is long and boring, but we finally reach the

By talking with my brothers, I figure out that we have no idea where we are. Because they are older, I usually rely on them to

leeping, but my brothers say she is passed out. About half a mile from the exit ramp, the road turns to dirt. The trees creep up to the side of the road until we are completely surrounded. Dad continues

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driving like this for a while. Mom wakes up and immediately drinks some more liquid patience. Ahead, we see a wooden

mail. OHills: Where your family can enjoy the freedom that comes with natural anti-turns into the gate. We drive up to a giant log cabin with an equally giant rope tied around it. The rope is anchored to the ground with four giant spikes. Dad tells us to wait in the car while he checks us into the campsite. My brothers and I laugh as our Dad tries to not float away while walking outside; he keeps getting tangled in the giant net hanging over the campsite. A few minutes later, he returns to the car and we start to float towards our campsite. One of my brothers grabs a brochure that Dad had brought into the car and starts to read about this place. He says that the amount of antigravity you get depends on the time spent in the zone. The brochure says that it usually takes an hour for enough antigravity to build up to lift something as heavy as a car. The nets cover the entire campsite and protect from people and stuff floating away. My brothers

I know they are lying.

The campsite is just big enough for us to park our car. Dad rounds the car and opens the trunk. All of our bags and gear rise like balloons; they make their escape through a hole in the net. Dad cusses and Mom take another sip from her cup. My father calls the log cabin and complains about the hole. My brothers say that that a bear wandered onto the campsite, floated up, and tore a hole in the net. I wonder what happened to that bear. Where did it go after it floated up? I ask my

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deserve to die because it was being a bear. Its natural instinct would be to claw through anything trapping it and now it was dead because it was being what nature wanted it to be. It

it the ground. Dad tells us to behave ourselves and to not go near the hole until the owners come and fix it. Dad leaves to try to find a store somewhere because Mom needs more juice. My brothers and I feel free, we can go anywhere: up, down and side-to-side. We float around for a while, bumping and grabbing on to each other. Soon, we have no idea where we are. All of these trees look the same; they were all the same

float; their roots permanently grounded them. I imagine they wanted to float, but their form and their livelihood controls them and sticks them to the ground. They remind me of the bear. These trees are allowed to survive because they defy nature and all become the same. The bear embraced nature and was killed, but these trees are unnatural and surviving.

As we try to find our way back, we keep running into the nets. This campsite is full of nets making sure that nothing

floating high enough. We tell him to just stay here, that we

propels himself up to the net and tries to squeeze his way though. He almost makes it until his foot gets tangled. At first,

oking, but it becomes serious. The net starts to surround him, entangling him more and more. He screams for help as the ropes wrap themselves around his neck. We rush up to help him, but another net drops seemingly out of nowhere, and blocks us off. All we could do is watch our brother

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learned from the trees and the bear. There is nothing we can do now except go back and try to find Mom and Dad. After wandering for almost an hour, we spot our van. The van was lifted up into the same hole where our gear escaped; it is stuck there. Mom and Dad are gone. Floating next to the van is a

Hanging next to one of the trees is a rope tie that Dad forgot to use to tie down the car. They escaped the net and left us here. I

but they are gone and we are trapped here. Dad always tried to remain his natural self; all these trips were his way of trying to connect with his world. Mom never really talked much, but we

now too. The nets kill the natural people and allow the unnatEven without gravity, we are trapped and we will become rooted here like the trees.

Photo by Matt Brenman

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Review: Dedication 2

Chris Eisenhower

Dedication 2 may not be the greatest ever made, but it changed the mixtape world more than anything before it. Even though most of the beats were in violation of pirating laws, it is sold in the iTunes store and reached 69 on the hip hop/RnB charts. Dedication 2 brought free download mixtapes into the

am of consciousness rhymes and DJ

varied and interesting tapes to ever be released. One of the better tracks, is directed at FEMA and the

political commentary is an interesting and enjoyable ing

style. A love of violence and power mixed with eloquent rhymes and a clear undercurrent of his strong intellect. A person who was born and raised in the slums of the destroyed

growl is able to convey emotions in the way that Bob Dylan and Tom Waits did. Anger, joy or pain is present in every rhyme he spits. His style of rhyming is the most interesting I have ever heard. He goes off on tangents and conjures up vivid imagery. I would recommend Dedication 2 to anyone who has an open mind about hip hop and that wanted to hear some of the best prose and beats in the industry.

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In The Days Before Celebrity Gossip

Dustin Wilson

*Note the angst

In the days before celebrity gossip, bridges to nowhere, and tea parties, the media was the outlet for the intellectual, kept to those select few to maintain and distribute as they pleased. In those days there was a sense of pride in sitting by

long gone. When Gutenberg released his press he may has well have burnt every library in Europe, the media has been plummeting from its glory since he freed the ability to express ideas. Just as Prometheus stole fire from the gods, Gutenberg stole the media from nobility. Recently it seems that anyone with a phone can become part of the media; take the bloggers and the twitterers leading that downward spiral Gutenberg started centuries ago. Regardless, it seems that there is still a hint of intellectualism left in the media, the newspapers. Here is where one may

bastion for intellectualism is in the comic section. If only there

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was someway that the common man could find a way to see himself represented in the news? But whenever this happens

by giving him a sociopath cat.

There are however, rare instances where perfection is achieved. Perfection being the representation of everyday life, nothing rivals the thrills of coming from a day of labor to sit down and see your struggle reciprocated in the news, it gives the little people the feeling that they can make it into the paper, even if the focus may be a talking cat. Thus, credit must be

modern man, without the frills that interrupt the storytelling of daily life. Garfield without Garfield, by removing any taint of the unreal, Jim Davis, the man who de-authored the comics gave the world insight into the man who has been long overlooked. Young Jon Arbuckle represents the everyman, as an unpleasant bachelor, working day in and out as a cartoonist;

Everyman reader. Young Jon must repress his angst as an inner-city youth struggling to find his own identity. Only when The Big Cat is removed does Jon realize how lonely and

gluttonous shadow. Jon declared in a recent

empty house and mind. His sexual frustrations, inability to communicate, and rougue lifestyle choices rival the struggles of Von What can be expected of Young Jon in this meaningless world? How can he be free without The Big Cat ruling his thoughts? These are the questions that we face everyday. For the reader, they connect with Jon, their comforting than seeing how The Big Cat had repressed him,

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forcing them to throw off their own Cats. Youth around the world should be required to read the tales of Jon Arbuckle, seeing of a liberated youth in a struggle against a world of tyranny, Big Cats, and absurdmind will undoubtedly be filled with joy as time passes and the scratches The Big Cat left heal.

as we know it; yes there have been quite a few rabble rousers since Gutfabric of what we call news, the media and made the exchange of information unreliable, but if nothing else at least our everyman can rest easily knowing. the shadows, and that is the greatest struggle humanity must overcome.

Reviews Wrap-Up

Greg Lobanov

A Review of: This Review

Concise.

7/10

A Review of: This Sandwich

Ever since the invention of the sandwich in 1235 BC, few have been true standouts across recorded history. Over the course of

sandwich has enough character and individuality to stand out in

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the life of any sandwich eater. This sandwich had a humble beginning; its ingredients consist of some mystery meat, an unknown type of cheese, and miscellaneous condiments fished out at random from my fridge. Their combined flavor feels effortless and natural. That these particular ingredients came together to form this sandwich is in many ways a product of total coincidence perhaps I should say miracle yet they taste like they are chosen with delicacy and that it is more refined than other sandwiches; rather, in its simplicity, it is a commentary on the simple meal of a simple man in modern America. For, truly, how often is it that we have a sandwich whose components are individually so sublime? No sandwich could better embody the meal of the everyman. In short, this sandwich contains the perfect combination of substance and style. Its blend of flavors appeals beautifully to both the lowbrow and highbrow parts of the culinary art. Ithat will forever be remembered.

10/10

A Review of: The Wissahickon

Just awful.

2/10

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In Defense of Cynicism

Submitted by Dustin Wilson

Cynicism, is at its essence, the art of complaining. Shockingly, anyone just a

If you honestly

t you have further affirmed my beliefs. These statements are part of an illusion created by those naïve optimists that seem not to comprehend the real world. However, I chose the word art for a reason, cynics provide a serious benefit to all societies. Instead of the art of complaining I see it as the art of piercing the thin skin of the optimist world. I, as a cynic look down on you sneeringly. Yet,

given a poor reputation by MBA ho m players, Democratic politicians and kindergarten

you may ask yourself. Well, they are the epitome of a society that fails to recognize our genius and celebrates

lo

cry in hushed tones. cynics the driving force behind all human advancement, think where humawho wanted more than whale blubber to light his estate. What

my people

thousands of content stooges who thought the British prancing around in our hemisphere was tolerable. However, those brave cynics; my founding fathers saw these injustices and promptly rebelled. These are among millions of examples of cynics

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improving the world; I could go on for pages, yet I fear that should this become too long. Considering the failing state of our public schools, any potential readers would become disillusioned by a picture-less editorial of over 400 words. Fear not, I have provided contact information for those inquiring minds that wish to learn more of our philosophy below. As my final words, I suggest to criticize, question and impugn

the herd of optimist lemmings.

-Jefferson Paxton Wellsworth, [email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

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Integrity Doctrine

Sam Morse

NFL Quarterback and Christian Academy for Juveniles Alumni Biff Armstrong Advises Students in an Assembly for the

Presented by Shmallstate Car Insurance

Good Morning.

today, with my full life ahead of me, so full of dreams and

that you are signing today and what it means to have integrity. To start off, what is integrity? Is it something that you can see

a thing that you know is the right thing and you, like, make it

that little thing, no matter how sm -u-u-u-like making everything count no matter what size it is and sticking to your beliefs with integrity. I know this from personal experience because I personally have, uh, personal

all tied up? I know that I need to know that I need to have the integrity to jump up and scream and slam-dunk the football into the goal post after I score that touchdown and be a leader when I do it. Because you guys at CAJ are gonna be the leaders

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a fact. You mi

integritious when you are. Another thing that has integrity is

ways to make sure th

give into peer pressure and give your drink to anyone else, want some, so you have to be

make sure that they are leaders who have

understanding, now, of what that means to have integrity. I

Thank you.

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2010

the wissahickon

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