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8 2 6 m i c h i g a n - 1 1 5 E a s t L i b e r t y S t r e e t - A n n A r b o r , M I 4 8 1 0 4 - w w w . 8 2 6 m i c h i g a n . o r g

Just recent-ly discovered, the government se-cretly funded a project to study and cause the un-dead to have a “suppressed” per-sonality, meaning that the undead show dramatically decreased levels of aggression and/or desire for ful-ly healthy human

Will Mcgaughy- 18UA Teen Reporter

Breaking NewsIt’s Been a Wonderful

Day in Human Evolution

flesh. Further test-ing and experi-ments concluded that the undead could understand

simple human speech, like telling them to: go in a di-rection, sit, and/or many other types of commands.

O v e r l o r d Vladov Markis has been attacked by a secret cult-like or-ganization: Sons of Betrayal. They kid-napped and re-

corded the be-heading of Sir Alles Rayne (his chosen double). The leader of the group was cap-tured by Legion soldiers. When asked what his death wish was, he asked

for a press confer-ence and had this to say: “Why bow to one man when our world depends on the cooperation of all beings and creatures?” When asked how he felt he said, “I feel like we

ask for more than we are willing to give. We depend on each other but won’t help each other, and put our faith in people who can’t help.” Vladov re-plied, “He is right.”Vladov resigned

his throne in hopes that we re-ally can treat each other as family in-stead of as “bunk-mates.” As for the cult, however, it has been disband-ed until further work is needed.

Overlord Vladov Markis is KidnappedButton- 17UA Teen Reporter

Further stud-ies have shown that the scientists were able to ma-nipulate an un-dead’s brain to communicate with healthy humans. A l t h o u g h their speech is very incoherent, they were able to have conversa-tions about their memories, which could open up a new discussion about whether the

Will Mcgaughy- 18UA Teen Reporter

Zombie Updateundead could have normal memory functions and oth-er functions work-ing well in their brains. It’s amaz-ing that we have come a long way in the studies of human evolution and how we can now manipulate the dead for better or worse, but this means that we will only keep advanc-ing in human sci-ences. May the fu-ture be bright.

Friday, December 13, 2013. Volume I. Issue I.

Features2Discovery of New Species

Changes Education System Rankings

We have dis-covered a new species that is still alive. After thou-sands of years be-lieving that they’re extinct, the fairies are alive. T h e y ’ r e ranked third in the educational system, pushing the giants down

Brandy Mohacsi- 16UA Teen Reporter

to fourth. The ed-ucational system is messed up due

to the fact that a witch (who is ranked second)

could be smart-er than a vampire (who is ranked

first). They should not be judged in the species they were born in, but actual test scores. The vampires are immortal and their mental stor-age is much vaster than most species, but there could be something wrong with the vampire’s brain, so that that vampire could not be as smart as an advanced witch.

Fashion for the supernatural is different than fashion for mor-tals. Fairies adapt really well to the season. For the winter season, the fairy females have white dresses that have fabrics over them so that they

glimmer and cre-ate a snowflake look. For the witch-es, it’s almost like the fairies, only they have a black base against the same fabric in the fairy’s dress. For the vam-pire girl there is more Victori-an-meets-mod-ern-world, in the colors red and black.

Supernatural Fashion for FemalesBrandy Mohacsi- 16UA Teen Reporter

FunFashionFacts

Fairies are the most innocent creatures out there, so they will go for the lighter colors.

Witches are a mixture of both innocent and not, so they will

go for more neutral colors.

Vampires are more demonic, so they will go for the bolder

colors.***

Welcome Back

Fairies!

Features 3

Aries March 21 - April 19

For you Aries, lady luck is on your side! You will be seeing Kolatiuns all around bring-ing good fortune and positive vibes.

TaurusApril 20 - May 20

Be careful, X chro-mosomes are ach-ing for an attitude problem. Sprinkle pixies’ tears to bal-ance out the emo-tional stress.

Gemini May 21 - June 20

Be wary of the people who are born around this date. They carry a very deadly virus.

Cancer June 21 - July 22

May be your work,

or your school, but you’ll be in good graces today.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22

Don’t go into the woods by yourself; you’re not ready to face the tiger of your nightmare.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Maybe you’ll see a long-lost friend/family member, but be wary. Don’t let them into your life; they might have a secret agen-da.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22

Be careful around the Libs. They are mentally and emo-tionally unstable.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21

Don’t eat too much today because you’ll probably end up e x p l o d i n g tomorrow.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your big day is coming soon, so be wary of sur-prises around the corner.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Don’t go into the woods in the next few weeks. There are creatures who might want to k i l l you.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius has a frosty bite this week. They don’t know anything will happen, but you never know with them.

Pisces Feb 19 - March 20

Don’t go swim-ming. You might just get trapped in ice and sur-vive, then t h a w y e a r s l a t e r .

Ask Harper and Akari

Dear Harper and Akari,

I need to buy my snobby moth-er-in-law a gift for Christmas. What should I get her?

-Zombie Sally

Akari: Chop off her nose and give it back! Zombies don’t need them.

Harper: Get a bucket of slime and dump it on her. See how snob-by she is after that.

Dear Harper and Akari,

As Medu-sa, I cannot get guys to look me in the eyes! I even use makeup. What should I do?

-Medusa

Brandy Mohacsi- 16UA Teen Reporter

Celia Shroeder- 16UA Teen Reporter

Akari: Poke out their eyes and put them into a jar. They won’t have a choice but to look at you!

Harper: Ignore Akari. Just be yourself . . . and maybe contacts.

Dear Harper and Akari,

People can-not see me! I try to gain their at-tention by flicker-ing the lights and moving the fur-niture. They only yell, “Ghost!” and run. What do I do?

-Invisible Girl

Akari: Possess them. They can’t ignore you then!

Harper: I agree. Possess them.

Brandy Mohacsi- 16UA Teen Reporter

Angel Ford- 16UA Teen Reporter

Horoscopes

Sports4

The Quid-ditch World Cup Semi-Finals took place this past weekend in Mount Olympus, Greece, where the Quaf-fles, Bludgers, and Golden Snitches were flying through the Quidditch pitches. The open-ing match of the day hosted Team USA, captained by James Tomas, up against Team Britain, captained by Hugo Weasley. Team USA struck early taking a 10-0 lead. Team Britain quickly answered with a score of

their own after some slick flying by outside Chaser Daniel Ericcson through the Team USA Beaters to put 10 up on the board for Team Britain. Five minutes later it was the

captain, Weas-ley, throwing the Quaffle over Keep-er Micah Wood’s right shoulder to make it a one-point lead for Brit-ain. It soon be-came an intense battle in the pit with neither team

scoring until Team USA Seeker James Tomas was able to wrap his hands around the Snitch at center pit. The next semi-final game between Germa-ny and Russia brought much

more vio-lence to the pit, start-ing early when Ger-man Captain Hine Him-

mlick bludgered Russian Chaser Viktor Chevchan-kov in the back of the head, sending him plummet-ing to the turf. Chevchankov was treated on-scene and transported to the local hospi-

Shawn Helton- 18UA Teen Reporter

World Cup Semi-Finals Recap

tal. No word on his condition. Russia quickly answered with a score by Captain Vladimir Chrezn-ov after inter-cepting a pass from Germany’s Himmlick short-ly after Germany answered three times over with a score from each of the team’s Chas-

ers. Russia ended up winning after they grabbed the Golden Snitch in dramatic fash-ion in front of the scorers’ table. Team USA will meet Team Russia atop Mount Olympus on the first day of the new year in this historic first-time meeting.

Button- 17UA Teen Reporter

The Mexico Flaimbows had a terrifyingly brutal match against the former champs, the US Pastries.The Pastries led the first half of the

game 4-0. In the second half, Vicente Fox scored the final goal by a—first ever—ful l - f ie ld goal. The final score was 4-11. In a nice change of events, Ireland’s very own

Faeries wiped the floor with the Bra-zil Elves, 20-0. The whole game was non-stop de-struction. Chase McGaughy scored the winning goal in an ironic acci-dent. Bravo Nan-dez had the ball,

but slipped; Chase tripped right over and made him kick the ball straight into the net. Talk about the nice luck the Irish have. Meanwhile , the Russian Yeteye had a close game against Britain’s

Minions with a 3-2 game. This one went on for three hours before Vic-tor Reznov yelled, “No more!” then kicked the ball so hard it broke the sound barrier al-most instantly.

American and Brazi l ian Soccer Upsets

“It soon became an intense battle in

the pit with neither team scoring . . . ”

Sports 5

These are the qualifying skating battles for cham-pionships. In the world of monster figure skating, these are the mon-sters who skated in the Monster Prix series. In the realm of singular skater ladies, these are the ladies who placed when they skated in the Mon-ster Prix Finals:

1. Fallin Deeply2. Mao Slippery3. Coral Fin4. Invisible Voice5. Frankin Lova6. Lyra Pixie7. Demonic Syrien8. Will Silentten9. Singing Parra10. Cage Lincoln11. Slimy Eye12. Scrah Fangway

In the men’s monster prix, most were killed in a brain accident. However, the four who competed were:

1. Johnny Fangway2. Camel Tamagutu3. Erriee Vampire Dreamer4. Hungry

In the pairs, who also happened to be in the brain accident, they lost a team who was com-peting. Therefore, the two teams that did make it were:

1. Blonde Crazyball/ Brown Hair Camel2. Fang Phonexi/ Levi Casadea

The dance teams that did go off to finals were:

1. Crazy Cocky Fuzzball & Dolly Pixie2. Afro Bone Man & Short Mantacore3. Medusa Silver & Cerburus4. Head Evil Lucifer & Head Good Mary5. Minotaur Horn & Cutie Kitty6. Pitt Dog & Impy Gold

Celia Shroeder- 16UA Teen Reporter

Monster Figure Skating Series

Shawn Helton- 18UA Teen Reporter

P h o e n i x a n d Manticore Domination

R e i g n i n g champion Detroit Phoenix hosted the Chicago Krakens. The Krakens struck early in the fourth minute of the first period with a three-foot backhand from James Crane. The Phoenixes answered eight minutes later with a 20 foot slap-shot from W a l t e r Horseman. T h e s e c o n d p e r i o d b r o u g h t much more excitement in the first minute. Joss Webb wailed a slapshot from fifty feet over the right shoulder of Chicago goalie William Todd. Three minutes lat-er, Detroit went on a power play where Horseman nailed a wrist shot from eight feet through the legs of Todd, and final-ly, in the nineteenth minute, Chicago’s

Zedburgh slammed Detroit’s Webb into the boards, which triggered a fight be-tween Webb and Zedburgh. Webb prevailed and both players received a one-game suspen-sion for continuing the fight after the referee stopped the fight. In the third pe-riod, Crane scored

on misdirection in front of the goal. The Phoenixes won 3-2 to open a sev-en-game home stand. Next game the Phoenixes will welcome the Atlanta Manticores. The Atlanta Manticores hosted the Oakland Wiz-ards in a battle of the unbeatens between the east and central

division. The Wizards held a 1-0 goal lead over the Manti-cores heading into the second period. Five minutes into the second period, the Manticores cap-tain hit an eight-foot snap shot over the shoulder of Wizards goalie Ellsworth, the star rookie from Monsters Tech who

had only a l l o w e d two goals previous to t o n i g h t ’ s game. Five m i n u t e s later, the Manicores’ El l ington scored on

a breakaway. The Manticores’ two goals from Elling-ton held up and they beat Oakland 2-1. Next up the un-beaten Manticores head to Detroit to take on the white-hot Phoenix. Histor-ically Atlanta hasn’t fared so hot when facing Detroit in the past decade.

Miscellaneous6Can you find these

words?

Vampire

Zombie

Underworld

Fangs

Dragon

Styx

Hades

Ghouls

S p o o k y W o r d S e a r c h

DUNGEON AND CASTLES FOR SALE

Quiet alien living. One dungeon right between Ypsilanti and Belleville with a view

of the Belleville lake.

UNDEAD SKILL TRAINING

Now hiring undead skill trainer to work one-on-one with the local zombies to help keep

their limbs attached.

HEAD WIZARDThe Department of Wizard Casting is now accepting applications for Head Wizard for 2013-3013. Deadline for the application is

December 23rd, 2013.

Help keep a vampire undead. A blood donor is needed.

-No cursed blood-Ages between 1,000-3,000

-Office is located in the sewer-Qualified donors will be financially

compensated $5,000

Need to know your future?Call a gypsy!

Anti-vampire spray, crosses, stakes Just because it’s getting cold outside doesn’t mean

your body needs to!

Monday, six minutes after sun-down, weird stones fell from the sky. Meteorologists say it was hail, but cities all over the western coastline are de-stroyed. C o i n c i d e n -tally, the eastern coastline froze over. The temperature dropped to -120°c. Currently most harbors around the country are shut down and helping to find survivors. Anyone hop-ing for their pack-ages will be sadly disappointed.

W e e k l y W e a t h e r 120°75°

Friday 80°50°

Sunny

Monday Tuesday40°25°

Extreme sun (Meatballs may fry)

Wednesday Thursday75°50°

70°49°

Nighttime meteor showers

Locust storm

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Weather report courtsey of Button. Clas-sified advertisements courtsey of Brandy Mohacsi. Photos courtesy of Florida Cli-part, 123rf.com, and other free stock sites.

Underworld Archive Editors: Sarah Pauling and Ashley Hardin; UA Layout Design: Jill Epstein