the ultimate relationship building workbook - west of · the ultimate relationship building...

The Ultimate Relationship Building Workbook

West of England Coaching and Counselling April 2011

Contents:

1. Purpose of this Workbook Page 32. What causes conflict and why conflict is a problem Page 43. The Communication Impact Rule/Model Page 5-64. The Cause and Effect Model Page 7-85. Think ‘Win Win’ Page 9-116. Identifying your ‘as is’ and ‘best fit’ team role Page 12-137. Levels of conflict and coping strategies Page 148. 6 Step Conflict Handling Model Page 159. Calm Technique Page 1610. Assertiveness Strategy Page 1611. Giving and Receiving Feedback Model with ‘EEC’ Page 1712. How the Mind Works: The Iceberg and Triad Page 18-2013. Thomas Kilman Conflict Modes 114. Myers Briggs Type Indicator Page 22-2315. Emotional Intelligence and Resilience Page 24-2716. Work and Personal Boundaries Page 2817. Highest Purpose Page 2818. Multiple Perspectives Technique Page 2919. Goal and Objective Setting: SMARTS – Focusing on what you do want Page 2920. Problem > Solution Focused Page 3021. Coaching Model and Questions Page 31-3222. The Ultimate Question – Is this helpful? Page 33

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1. Purpose of this Workbook

Relationship Building is an essential skill for success in life – at work building professional relationships and outside of work in one’s personal life.

Relationship building is challenging as where there are people there is usually conflict. How one handles conflict will typically predict how successful or unsuccessful one is at building relationships.

Yes two people can have different perspectives and still build their relationship. For some this comes naturally; for others this is a learned skill that can be understood and worked through to reap rewards over time.

Most teams focus on the tasks for which they are formed. Unfortunately they spend little time on how they want to work together.

They do not address how they want to handle conflict when it arises. Open, solution focused approaches work best. My personal favourite is the feedback model, shared on page 15.

This workbook presents a variety of tools and techniques that will help you to look at your relationships differently – with yourself and others in mind.

It will also help you to take responsibility when a relationship or situation is frustrating you or worse.

Some tools you will use daily, others occasionally, to help you to build relationships with those around you in a way that makes you feel good about yourself and who you are.

The tools and techniques are summarily explained and may be further explored by you as part of your ongoing personal development.

If a particular topic is of particular interest, we suggest that Google and Amazon are good starting points.

Finally, building relationships and finding resolution with conflicts is a journey over time. Go at a pace that you are comfortable with.

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2. What causes conflict and why conflict is a problem

Conflict can be defined as “any situation in which independent people have apparently incompatible goals, interests, principles or feelings” (Runde and Flanagan, 2007).

Conflict is often rife in larger teams due to wide variety of opinions and greater diversity. Conflict often involves blaming another person or persons. The process of attribution is fraught with potential errors. Often people attribute worse motives to others than they actually have. In particular we may attribute someone’s actions to character as opposed to circumstances that may have been beyond her control. Typical causes of conflict include:

i) Poor Communication: Perhaps the most recurring and prevalent cause that most people can relate to. This is where the parties are unable to express themselves, verbalise their needs, state their case adequately, provide logical and structured rationale, or listen effectively. The more limited the communication skills a person has the greater possibility for physical violence.

ii) Perceived differences: Humans naturally form groups and so distinguish their group from outsiders. This can lead to conflicts between races, religions, political systems as well as between people from different backgrounds, cultures, with different values and beliefs. Age (youth v maturity) and positional (e.g. some individuals having greater power) differences also cause conflict.

iii) Biological orientation: This stems from the Darwinian concept of the survival of the fittest. The weak are identified by the strong and are sometimes singled out and bullied.

iv) Geographical difference: Conflict can arise when people are located in different places. The separate locations can result in a sense of them and us, particularly if one location is ‘preferred’ over the other.

v) Spatial relationships: Individuals seem to need their own space. Consequently, when there is overcrowding conflict usually increases.

Conflict is a problem because of adverse costs that include:

i) Higher stress amongst the partiesii) Venting frustration to others can increase people’s anger as they ruminate on the bad

things the other person didiii) Lower productivity as effort and resources are redirected into the conflict and away

from the work in handiv) Lower interpersonal cohesion as individuals – and their supporters – take sides and

begin to stereotype each otherv) Time spent in resolution is taken away from other, more important mattersvi) Inappropriate decisions are made to support the various causes and positions of the

partiesvii) Status and ego become more important than reason and realityviii) The possibility of increased costs to cover negotiation preparation, negotiation time,

mediation and/or arbitration and, perhaps, legal costs

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3. The Communication Impact Rule/Model

Albert Mehrabian has become known best by his publications on the relative importance of verbal and non-verbal messages.

His findings on inconsistent messages of feelings and attitudes have been quoted throughout human communication seminars worldwide, and have also become known as the 7%-38%-55% rule.

In his studies, Mehrabian comes to two conclusions. Firstly, that there are basically three elements in any face-to-face communication:

• Words • Tone of voice • Non-verbal behaviour (e.g. Facial expression)

Secondly, the non-verbal elements are particularly important for communicating feelings and attitude, especially when they are incongruent: If words disagree with the tone of voice and non-verbal behaviour, people tend to believe the tonality and non-verbal behaviour.

It is emphatically not the case that non-verbal elements in all senses convey the bulk of the message, even though this is how his conclusions are frequently misinterpreted.

For instance, when delivering a lecture or presentation, the textual content of the lecture is delivered entirely verbally, but the non-verbal cues are very important in conveying the speaker's attitude towards what they are saying, notably their belief or conviction.

According to Mehrabian, these three elements account differently for our liking for the person who puts forward a message concerning their feelings: words account for 7%, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and body language accounts for 55% of the liking.

They are often abbreviated as the "3 Vs" for Verbal, Vocal & Visual. For effective and meaningful communication about emotions, these three parts of the message need to support each other - they have to be "congruent".

In case of any incongruence, the receiver of the message might be irritated by two messages coming from two different channels, giving cues in two different directions.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_communication

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_expression

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tone_of_voice


The following example should help illustrate incongruence in verbal and non-verbal communication.

• Verbal: "I do not have a problem with you!" • Non-verbal: person avoids eye-contact, looks anxious, has a closed body

language, etc.

It becomes more likely that the receiver will trust the predominant form of communication, which to Mehrabian's findings is non-verbal (38% + 55%), rather than the literal meaning of the words (7%). This is known as "the 7%-38%-55% rule".

It is important to say that in the respective study, Mehrabian conducted experiments dealing with communications of feelings and attitudes (i.e., like-dislike), and that the above, disproportionate influence of tone of voice and body language becomes effective only when the situation is ambiguous.

Such ambiguity appears mostly when the words spoken are inconsistent with the tone of voice or body language of the speaker (sender).

How we communicate determines the other person’s response. When our physiology, tonality and words match that of the other person, we are likely to encourage a high degree of responsiveness in the other person.

• Words – words used, experiences, chunking level from detailed to abstract• Tonality of voice – tone, pitch, timbre (quality), tempo (speed), volume• Physiology – posture, head tilt, gestures, breathing, facial expressions, blinking

Exercise

1. Practice positive body language (e.g. open hands and arms, eye contact, head up, smiling) and tonality (warm, neither loud nor quiet) and use it for all interactions with others, including people that you have been in conflict with.

2. Watch others – learn what comes across well and vice versa. Use what comes across well (modelling people who come across well) and ensure that you avoid the behaviours that come across less well/badly.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-verbal_communication

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-verbal_communication


4. The Cause and Effect Model

Cause Effect

I am responsible for my results Someone/something else is responsible for my results

People who are at cause are in control of their life and people who are at effect hand over their power to someone/something else.

Are you generally ‘at cause’ or ‘at effect’?

Where would you like to be?

In order to move from being ‘at effect’ to being ‘at cause’ one takes responsibility for one’s life including relationships that are not working and asks what can I do to change things?

We cannot change others’ behaviour directly but we can influence their behaviour by setting an example ourselves.

One idea:

Instigate a conversation with the other party and ask them:

- What are the adverse costs to you of our current relationship?- What do you need from me?

You listen actively and show that you are listening. Seek to understand their perspective and needs. Paraphrase their perspective and tell them what you will give them based upon what they have asked for and what you are happy to give them. Then express your own perspective and what you need from them. Ask them what they are happy to give you.

One NLP presupposition is that ‘the meaning of communication is the response that you get’. Ever had a time when you were sure you were being totally clear, but the other person heard something else?

One way to deal with that is to blame: it’s their fault they didn’t get it. However, then they didn’t get it, you didn’t get it, nobody got anything. Another way is to take responsibility: that’s interesting; I wonder how else I can say it so they’ll get it instead.

By adopting the belief that the meaning of your communication was the response you got instead of the communication you delivered regardless of their response, you become more real-world by being responsive to feedback and flexible by adapting to change. How Do You Use This?

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The Meaning of Your Communication is the Response You Wished You Got

The opposite of this belief sounds a bit silly when phrased this way, doesn’t it? Any time you or I blame someone else for not getting what we wanted to say and don’t take responsibility for it though, and think our communication was perfect and they were dumb-asses for not getting it, it’s as good as saying the meaning of our communication is the response we wished we got.

If The Meaning of Your Communication is The Response You Get, What Would Be Different for You?

If, whenever you don’t get your intended message across, feel misunderstood or unheard, you go ‘it’s them, they just don’t get me’, then you’ve only learnt to communicate in one way: yours.

But if you take the belief that the meaning of your communication is the response you get, to take responsibility and be willing to be more flexible than your audience could be so you can catch them at all and any angles, you learn how to communicate in two ways: yours and theirs. Eventually, this will become yours, and theirs, theirs, theirs and theirs too.

This is what sets great communicators, teachers, mentors, coaches, counsellors and speakers apart.

Instead of labelling their audience as ‘slow’, ‘stupid’, ‘resistant’, ‘sleepy’, and so on, they take responsibility and go, ‘how can I communicate to them in a way that they’d get what I want to say, regardless?’

If you were to believe that the meaning of your communication is the response you get, how would your life be different?

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5. Think ‘Win Win’

Win/Win is one of six total philosophies of human interaction.

1. Win/Win - People can seek mutual benefit in all human interactions. Principle-based behaviour.

2. Win/Lose - The competitive paradigm: if I win, you lose. The leadership style is authoritarian. In relationships, if both people aren't winning, both are losing.

3. Lose/Win - The "Doormat" paradigm. The individual seeks strength from popularity based on acceptance. The leadership style is permissiveness. Living this paradigm can result in psychosomatic illness from repressed resentment.

4. Lose/Lose - When people become obsessed with making the other person lose, even at their own expense. This is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, war, or of highly dependent persons. (If nobody wins, being a loser isn't so bad.)

5. Win - Focusing solely on getting what one wants, regardless of the needs of others.

6. Win/Win or No Deal - If we can't find a mutually beneficial solution, we agree to disagree agreeably - no deal. This approach is most realistic at the beginning of a business relationship or enterprise. In a continuing relationship, it's no longer an option.

The most appropriate model depends on the situation. When relationships are paramount, Win/Win is the only viable alternative. In a competitive situation where building a relationship isn't important, Win/Lose may be appropriate. There are five dimensions of the Win/Win model: Character, Relationships, Agreements, Supportive Systems and Processes.

1. Character is the foundation of Win/Win. There must be integrity in order to establish trust in the relationship and to define a win in terms of personal values. A key trait is the abundance mentality that there is plenty for everybody (v. the Scarcity Mentality). The abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security.

2. Relationships are the focus on Win/Win. Whatever the orientation of the person you are dealing with (Win/Lose, etc.); the relationship is the key to turning the situation around. When there is a relationship of trust and emotional bank account balances are high, there is a much greater probability of a successful, productive interaction. Negative energy focused on differences in personality or position is eliminated; positive, cooperative energy focused on understanding and resolving issues is built.

3. Performance agreements or partnership agreements give definition and direction to Win/Win. They shift the paradigm of production from vertical (Superior - Subordinate) to horizontal (Partnership/Team).

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The agreement should include elements to create a standard by which people can measure their own success.

• Defined results (not methods) - what is to be done and when.

• Guidelines - the parameters within which the results should be accomplished

• Resources - human, financial, technical or organizational support available to accomplish the results.

• Accountability - the standards of performance and time(s) of evaluation.

• Consequences - what will happen as a result of the evaluation?

The agreement may be written by the employee to the manager to confirm the understanding.

Developing Win/Win performance agreements is the central activity of management, enabling employers to manage themselves within the framework of the agreement. Then the manager can initiate action and resolve obstacles so employees can do their jobs.

There are four kinds of consequences that management or parents can control - Financial, Psychic, Opportunity and Responsibility. In addition to personal consequences, the organizational consequences of behaviours should be identified.

4. The Reward System is a key element in the Win/Win model. Talking Win/Win but rewarding Win/Lose results in negating the Win/Win paradigm. If the outstanding performance of a few is rewarded, the other team members will be losers. Instead, develop individual achievable goals and team objectives to be rewarded.

Competition has its place against market competitors, last year's performance, or another location or individual where cooperation and interdependence aren't required, but cooperation in the workplace is as important to free enterprise as competition in the marketplace.

The spirit of Win/Win cannot survive in an environment of competition or contests. All of the company's systems should be based on the principle of Win/Win. The Compensation system of the managers should be based on the productivity and development of their people. Reward both P (production) and PC (building production capacity).

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5. The Win/Win process has four steps.

• See the problem from the other point of view, in terms of the needs and concerns of the other party.

• Identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved.

• Determine what results would make a fully acceptable solution.

• Identify new options to achieve those results.

You can only achieve Win/Win solutions with Win/Win procedures. Win/Win is not a personality technique. It's a total paradigm of human interaction.

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6. Identifying your ‘as is’ and ‘best fit’ team role

In the 1970s, Dr Meredith Belbin and his research team at Henley Management College set about observing teams, with a view to finding out where and how these differences come about.

They wanted to control the dynamics of teams to discover if and how problems could be pre-empted and avoided. As the research progressed, the research revealed that the difference between success and failure for a team was not dependent on factors such as intellect, but more on behaviour.

The research team began to identify separate clusters of behaviour, each of which formed distinct team contributions or “Team Roles”.

A Team Role came to be defined as:

“A tendency to behave, contribute and interrelate with others in a particular way.”

It was found that different individuals displayed different Team Roles (9) to varying degrees.

The first Team Role to be identified was the “Plant”. The role was so-called because one such individual was “planted” in each team. They tended to be highly creative and good at solving problems in unconventional ways.

One by one, the other Team Roles began to emerge. The Monitor Evaluator was needed to provide a logical eye, make impartial judgements where required and to weigh up the team’s options in a dispassionate way.

Co-ordinators were needed to focus on the team’s objectives, draw out team members and delegate work appropriately. When the team was at risk of becoming isolated and inwardly-focused, Resource Investigators provided inside knowledge on the opposition and made sure that the team’s idea would carry to the world outside the team.

Implementers were needed to plan a practical, workable strategy and carry it out as efficiently as possible. Completer Finishers were most effectively used at the end of a task, to “polish” and scrutinise the work for errors, subjecting it to the highest standards of quality control.

Team workers helped the team to gel, using their versatility to identify the work required and complete it on behalf of the team. Challenging individuals, known as Shapers, provided the necessary drive to ensure that the team kept moving and did not lose focus or momentum.

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http://www.henley.reading.ac.uk/


It was only after the initial research had been completed that the ninth Team Role, ‘Specialist’ emerged. The simulated management exercises had been deliberately set up to require no previous knowledge. In the real world, however, the value of an individual with in-depth knowledge of a key area came to be recognised as yet another essential team contribution or Team Role.

Just like the other Team Roles, the Specialist also had a weakness: a tendency to focus narrowly on their own subject of choice, and to prioritise this over the team’s progress.

Balance is key: Whilst some Team Roles were more “high profile” and some team members shouted more loudly than others, each of the behaviours was essential in getting the team successfully from start to finish. The key was balance.

For example, Meredith Belbin found that a team with no Plant struggled to come up with the initial spark of an idea with which to push forward. However, once too many Plants were in the team, bad ideas concealed good ones and non-starters were given too much airtime.

Similarly, with no Shaper, the team ambled along without drive and direction, missing deadlines. With too many Shapers, in-fighting began and morale was lowered.

As well as the strength or contribution they provided, each Team Role was also found to have an “allowable weakness”: a flipside of the behavioural characteristics, which is allowable in the team because of the strength which goes with it.

For example, the unorthodox Plant could be forgetful or scatty; or the Resource Investigator might forget to follow up on a lead. Co-ordinators might get over-enthusiastic on the delegation front and Implementers might be slow to relinquish their plans in favour of positive changes.

Completer Finishers, often driven by anxiety to get things right, were found to take their perfectionism to extremes. Team workers, concerned with the welfare and morale of the team, found it difficult to make decisions where this morale might be compromised or team politics, involved.

Shapers risked becoming aggressive and bad-humoured in their attempts to get things done.

If you are unsure of your role, complete the Belbin questionnaire.

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If you are managing and leading a team and you think that it may lack balance having the whole team complete the inventory would be a starting point. You can then see where the gaps are and consider your options for addressing these if appropriate.

1. Levels of conflict and coping strategies

Levels of conflict:

• Irritation – the problems/difficulties are not significant; you could do without them though they are easily ignored

• Annoyance – the problems bring a growing frustration, stress begins to increase and difficulties are expected. Objections are usually voiced logically.

• Anger – the problems bring out strong feelings of injustice, hurt and enmity. Objections start being voiced emotionally.

• Violence – the position taken is thought to be totally justified. Retribution and payback become the order of the day; there is a need to win irrespective of the cost and for the other party to lose. Physical action is thought to be appropriate. Objections are expressed physically because argument using words has been to no avail e.g. complaining about another’s behaviour to a line manager. People physically distance themselves, walk away, leave the job, strike out etc.

Conflict Coping Strategies

People often engage in dysfunctional and inappropriate defence mechanisms as they attempt to cope with the situation that can include:

• Denial – rather than face a potentially ugly situation an individual can pretend that it does not exist. Reality is denied, the situation and any discussion about the conflict situation is avoided.

• Repression – When denial becomes so extreme that someone is unable to recall the conflict, this is repression. For example, an individual can have strong negative emotions about a person or group without knowing exactly why he/she feels so strongly because the original cause is emotionally too difficult to confront again.

• Projection – Rather than accept the conflict situation and take responsibility for it, it is projected onto someone or something else. Thus, an innocent bystander in a situation could be forced into the role of victim.

• Displacement – When power differences make it impossible or inappropriate to be angry with a person or group or there is a social or other constraint, then the anger is referred onto another, usually weaker, party. For example, an employee may be taken to task by his manager, the employee in turn is bad tempered with his wife so the wife snaps at their son who kicks the cat – this is displacement.

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• Intellectualisation - Here the conflict is spoken about in a rather clinical or abstract way with no recognition of individual emotion or involvement. Conflict usually generates a lot of emotion and if this is ignored then total resolution is not normally achieved.

• Getting stuck in the rightness of one’s position – here individuals refuse to engage in discussion, accuse others of heinous motives and otherwise ineffectively respond, the conflict follows a destructive path. It can suck life out of the team causing stress, demoralisation and eventually failure of the team to perform

2. 6 Step Conflict Handling Model – helping people to feel validated and safe

1. Establish the positions of each party: what is really important to you and why? [NB: separate history and hearsay]

2. Establish the needs of each party: what do you need from the other person/people?

3. Generate and evaluate options for resolution: what options are reasonable in the circumstances?

4. Concessions and bargains suggested and reviewed: what would you accept?5. Tentative agreements including time scales6. Capture resolution

The best way to do this is the individuals concerned meet one to one.

Tips:1. Watch your body language. Make steady, non-threatening eye contact. Never

ever cross/fold your arms across your chest as this can signal that you are closed to new thoughts/ideas.

2. Start with contracting e.g. agree that this conversation is in confidence so that you both feel safe; agree that you both have each other’s best interests at heart. This goes a long way to allowing vulnerability and building trust.

3. Seek to understand the other person’s position first e.g. can you tell me what outcome you want and what you would like from me [if you want to change someone’s mind, ultimately, you first have to know where that mind is]

4. Really listen to the person, not to respond but to understand their model of the world. Approach your listening with a sense of curiosity and wonder. Think about that. When you are curious about something you want to know its meaning. You are more likely to ask further questions, which shows interest, is courteous and provides you with more understanding. You do not have to agree; you do need to show that you have listened to their perspective. When they have finished speaking perhaps paraphrase..E.g. Can I check that I have understood what you think? You are saying that…..It’s also good to show empathy ‘Yes I have felt that way too..’

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5. Once the other person has given their view you can give yours6. The idea is that you aim for a ‘win win’ solution

If necessary, a facilitator can be involved.

3. Calm Technique

The Calm Technique is useful to practice for use before putting yourself into a difficult situation such as a conversation or presentation. It is also useful when you feel anxious and your breathing is irregular.

This technique helps to both oxygenate the body and mind and calm the body and mind, by stimulating both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.

It involves breathing in through the nose and out through the nose to the count of seven and eleven respectively. You may need to build up to this.

The key is to spend longer on the out breath so 4/7 would be a good starting point rather than risking hyperventilation!

The idea is to take about three of these 7/11 breaths whenever you need to be calm. When we are calm we are in control, can think clearly and focus on what we want to do. E.g. “How am I interpreting the situation such that I am reacting in this way?”

Having taken a break and thinking of something pleasant to distract your mind, perhaps clarify the situation with others involved.

4. Assertiveness Strategy

Aristotle is often credited as having been a master communicator. He advocated that when we want something we must first seek to understand and then be understood. His definition of assertiveness would go something like this:

Person A: (with open posture, gentle tone) What do you think and feel about our relationship right now?

Person B: I feel annoyed about the way you have behaved

Person A: (with open posture, gentle tone) Can you tell me a bit more about that

Person B: Gives detail

Person A: (with open posture, gentle tone) I see. That was really not my intention. I can see that I have upset you/others. This was my intention. Do you understand?

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Person B: Yes, I can see that your position was a difficult one

Person A: Can we discuss what I might do now and what you might do?

Person B: Yes. My first suggestion is that you….I could help with…..

5. Giving and Receiving Feedback Model with ‘EEC’

Giving Feedback

Psychological research shows that a person responds best to feedback when it is given in the ratio of three positives (recognise that everyone has special skills, talents and capacities to each development point. It also shows that feedback is best given one to one and in private.

For example:

‘In working with you I find you to be highly organised at paperwork, hard-working in your day to day approach and you are really client focused, always putting them first. In my view what would make you even more effective is if you could adopt a more coaching style with me rather than telling me what you think I should do. The fact that you are organised, hard-working and client focused means that work gets done and clients are happy in your care. When you tell me what I should do, I feel disempowered. A coaching style, would, I think, work better for me and help me develop better’.

In giving the feedback you are using the EEC formula – giving an example, expressing the effect and also what could be done differently.

Receiving Feedback:

For receiving feedback, the following process is useful:

1. Thank the person for their feedback. If you feel an emotion, tell the other person what this is – be honest. Ask them if you can go away to process it and then come back to them with a response.

2. Ask yourself if the feedback is fair. If you decide it is not fair e.g. based on hearsay/limited evidence or evidence that is not factually correct, go back to the person and tell them what you think. If you think that the feedback is fair, consider your learning and what you will do next. Share this with the person and do what you promised yourself and them.

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6. How the Mind Works: The Iceberg and Triad

The Iceberg

We know from research that 90% of the mind is subconscious and that this is where our memories, beliefs, values, attitudes, decisions, energy, language and Meta programmes*, that underpin our behaviour are stored. Our behaviour includes what we say and do as well as non-verbal facial expression, posture, breathing, heart rate and chemical changes. Recognising your own ‘map of the world’ helps to open up infinite possibilities of seeing the world in new ways.

- What are your key beliefs, values etc. (relevant to the problem that you are experiencing? What are the beliefs of the others?

- What conscious or subconscious thoughts (beliefs, values etc.) are driving your current behaviour?

- What thoughts are negative (about self or others)? Catch them, challenge them (by asking what evidence have I for this?) and consider thoughts that are more positive, more enabling. Negative thought pattern are dangerous. They create anxiety, cause us to lose intellectual control and behave in a primitive, emotional way, akin to a seven year old with childish responses.

- What are your Meta programmes?

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Meta programmes

We have ways of filtering information in the brain. The key filters are:

1. Look for the good; look for the bad (half glass full or half glass empty) – if you can do both great because you are flexible.

2. Are you proactive or reactive? Consider the merits of using each in different contexts.

3. Direction and motivation: Are you motivated more by rewards (wants) or lack of negative consequences (don’t wants)? Who do you need to share this with?

4. Reason communicated: Open to possibility – options and choices or necessity – I have no choice. What might you need to change?

5. Relationship with work: sameness – work is the same as a year ago, sameness with difference – my work has changed somewhat in 12m or difference – my work has completely changed since 12m ago. Is this filter working for you?

6. Chunking filter: chunk up in communicating (big picture, for what purpose/outcome) or chunk down (details, specifics, examples of). Can you practise the opposite? When might this filter work better for you?

In a new situation are you action focused wanting to get on with things or need to study and understand what is going on first?

Proactive Vs Reactive [Proactive will want to sign up to now; reactive will want time to think about it] q2.

What is important to you about work? Towards Vs. Away from q3.Do you rely on external feedback about whether you are doing a good job or have your own internal references?

Internal Vs. External

If we worked together on a project would you want the big picture or the details?

Big picture Vs. detail q6.

What are you doing in your job compared with 12 months ago?

Sameness; sameness with difference; difference q5.

Look out for – I did/I remember; I do and I am; I will

Past; present; future focused

If someone asks you how you’ve been do you focus on the good or the bad

Glass half full or half empty (q1)

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The Triad, according to the performance development guru, Antony Robbins, when mastered, is the key to your living your best life.

Q: Practice different postures and physiology and identify the ones that make you feel greatQ: What posture and physiology can I make my habit, which help me to think good thoughts, to smile and feel good?Q: What can I focus on in my thinking to make me feel good, look in control and calm?Q: What kind of language can I use when talking to myself? Others?

Influencing others effectively relies on the ease with which you enter into the other person’s model of the world/way of being. If the other person is visual and uses a lot of visual language such as see, look, clear, then you need to also. Listen to what they say and use some of their words.

Also watch their body language and match that e.g. laid back. Voice tone, pitch, speed and volume of talking can also be matched. These are subconscious factors that will leave the other person feeling that you are like them.

This all helps when you are trying to influence someone. For more reading on this, please refer to Sue Knight’s book, NLP at Work.

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7. Thomas Kilman Conflict Modes

Thomas Kilman presents 5 modes of conflict that are all useful in the appropriate context.

Think of a recent conflict – which mode did you use? Which mode would you use next time and why?

1. Competing – This is where you focus only on your concerns. This is best used where there is a risk to health and safety, where your integrity/ethics could be compromised or where you are leading a group of assertive individuals and need to make a stand. The skills required here are standing your ground (assertiveness) and not being intimidated by others.

2. Accommodating – This is where you concede your concerns and allow the other person to have it their way. This is best used when the matter in hand is far more important to the other person than it is to you. It helps to build good faith for when you need your way.

3. Compromising – This is good where there is little time to spare, the issue is important though not imperative to you. Each of you concede elements of what you want to arrive at a middle ground or compromise solution. The key skill required here is negotiation.

4. Collaborating – This is best used for a challenging situation that requires thought and thoroughness to arrive at a decision. Both parties work to arrive at a higher solution that may bear no resemblance to starting points of each other. The skills required here are listening and questioning to get all concerns and issues on the table to arrive at a mutually acceptable solution.

5. Avoiding – This is where you postpone a decision in order to acquire more information or where you consider someone else best placed to decide and own.

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8. Myers Briggs Type Indicator

The way we approach things reveals our personality and our preferences. Katherine Briggs and Isabel Myers interpreted the work of Carl Jung to develop the MBTI which is currently the most popular instrument for assessing the personality of an individual.

The MBTI indicator shows that we have differences in 4 key areas:

1. Where we get our energy and motivation from2. How we perceive the world and what kind of information we pay attention to3. How we make decisions4. How we live our life

When our preferences differ from those we are working with frustration can occur and if misunderstood, lead to conflict. No one dynamic is best; preferences are just preferences.

Extraversion Vs Introversion (E/I)

Extraverts are energised by the outside world. Extraverts will find out what they think and believe by talking, discussing and arguing with others. They often talk first and this helps them think. Often referred to as ‘solar powered’.

Introverts prefer to go inside themselves to be energised and are often referred to as ‘battery powered’. They prefer and find it easier to reflect, think and review things quietly on their own. Introverts think first and this helps them to talk.

Conflict may occur when a) an extravert cannot understand why an introvert will not talk to him/her about a conflict situation/problem and b) an introvert cannot understand why an extravert won’t think through the situation first before talking and arguing.

Sensor Vs Intuitor (S/N)

Sensors like to engage all their five senses to gain facts and details about things that are going on in the present. When they talk they are literal, specific and usually detailed. Decision are made when there are facts and figures there to support a chosen option.

Intuitives are naturally drawn to the big picture, the patterns, possibilities and options, as well as the meanings and connections between things. In discussions with others concepts and ideas are more readily available than facts and figures. Decisions may be based on possibilities which rely on implications that are there to support them.

Conflict can occur when the sensor wants to focus on the facts and details, while the intuitive want to concentrate on the implications of the big picture. When looking at a problem, neither individual sees the same thing.

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Thinker Vs. Feeler (T/F)

Thinkers like to base conclusions on facts using logic and analysis and like to achieve the objective truth as far as possible. This they find it easy to separate themselves from a situation and be dispassionate in their approach.

Feelers are comfortable making decisions according to their personal values and usually strive for harmony and well-being. Feelers place importance on emotions and empathy for the individuals involved in the situation.

This is more important for them than facts of the situation. Whilst they can recognise the significance of logic and objective content they prefer not to use them if disharmony and bad feeling are likely to be the outcome.

In conflict thinkers will seek the most logical solution (if they want to resolve it) and feelers will seek the most harmonious outcome (if they want to resolve it). What is logical and what is harmonious are not usually the same.

Thinkers try to persuade by logic and get frustrated when feelers are influenced by emotions. Feelers want to decide from the heart and thinkers are usually ruled by the head.

Judger Vs. Perceiver (J/P)

This is about how people like to live their lives. Judgers are usually organised, structured, like to make plans and start working on things early so that deadlines can be comfortably met. They like to make decisions and work with minimum diversions. Judgers love closure.

Perceivers find it easy to collect information before coming to a conclusion. In their approach to life they are more free and easy, adaptable and flexible. They prefer spontaneity rather than structure and tend to dislike deadlines.

Perceivers need to feel a deadline before they will work towards it. They are more at easy without a schedule and would rather not be orderly in their work. They like to keep their options open.

Conflict can arise when judgers want closure on a situation and work to create a structure to achieve it and then move on. They come into difficulty when perceivers attempt to keep things fluid by keeping their options open for as long as possible.

NB: You may be able to establish your best fit type dynamic (e.g. E, N, T, J) just from reading about them here. If not, you may want to complete the MBTI questionnaire.

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9. Emotional Intelligence and Resilience

The first step to EI is self-awareness

• What are my skills?• What is my personal style?• What is my physical presence?• What is my impact on others?• What are my energy levels?• What is my non-verbal behaviour?

And what is going on under my iceberg/in my subconscious mind?

• What is my internal dialogue/self-talk? Is it enabling?• What beliefs do I have – about self and others• What emotions – own and evoked in others?• What are my hot buttons/triggers me?• What are my fears and anxieties?• What are my judgements about myself/others/the team?• What is in my sphere of influence and what am I doing about it?• What is my self-confidence level and what drives it?• What are my rules: ‘I ought, I must, I should…’• What’s my Achilles heel? Need for control, to be liked, constant stimulation?

The second step to EI is emotion management

Applying the emotions management technique:

1. Always apply the 6 second rule [so called because six seconds is the time it takes to capture the flight or fight response i.e. avoid emotional high jacking]. When someone has said/done something that triggers your hot button take a deep breath (7/11) before you respond and if you need time to think say so and take time out. Take some more 7/11 breaths and recall a pleasant, happy experience – re-experience it in your mind/heart. Then go to 2.

2. What are the facts? What is the evidence for what I am thinking?3. What outcome do I want?4. What are my options for doing and saying? 5. What do I stand to gain/lose with each option?6. Which option and way forward will help me to achieve my outcome i.e. which will

achieve a win for me and a win for the other party?

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Step 3 is self-motivation

You can enhance your self-motivation by:

Adopting positive self talk e.g. I can have a better relationship with X. Be careful of cannot. The subconscious mind does not process negations! If I say to you that you cannot/don’t think of a blue elephant, that’s exactly what you get. Hence the importance of using positive words ‘what I can do, what I will do’ and positive images - see yourself interacting with x well. Build an effective support network that will also help you to bounce back after setbacks

E.g. who can give me honest feedback? Who can help me complete this workbook? Who can I rely on to test my ideas with?

Think how an inspirational mentor would handle this situation.

Step 4 is relationship management

Relationships fail due to one or more of the following: unrealistic expectations, lack of empathy, low EI, over-dependency, inability to assert own needs, poor communication, ineffective strategies for conflict resolution, personality differences (different maps of the world).

What makes an effective relationship?

1. Reciprocity – meeting each other’s needs (this means you need to clarify what these are, together);

2. Skills – listening to the verbal and non-verbal cues of others; empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and tune into the way they express themselves; ask questions. Do not assume as this makes an ass out of u and me!

3. Relating over time through continuity getting to know them in different contexts and helping them as much as possible, building trust through positive interactions and

4. Engage in exchange – facts, thoughts, feelings and ideas. When doing this it’s a good idea to be in a positive frame of mind, tune into how the other person responds, set a positive outcome focused tone to the discussion and check out any feelings of discomfort.

Tips for relationship building:

• Appreciate their skills, knowledge and capabilities• Make time to get to know who they are; get curious and listen• Good work relationships do not mean having to be friends• If you disagree with someone, look for an early solution• Give feedback in the right way• Seek their advice, opinions and feedback whenever you can

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• Support them through tough times even if that is difficult for you and review what you learn

• Recognise individual uniqueness, be flexible in your style and approach, understand their map of reality

Now complete the EI Questionnaire. Once completed, fill in your EI Development Plan.

The BOSTON EI QuestionnaireFor each question tick the box that comes closest to how you think and feel about the answer. For each of the 25 questions, answer either:

A: AlwaysB: SometimesC: RarelyD: Never

1. Can you tell when your mood is changing?2. Do you know when you are becoming defensive?3. Can you tell when your emotions are affecting your performance?4. How quickly do you realise you are starting to lose your temper?5. How soon do you realise that your thoughts are turning negative?6. Can you relax when you are under pressure?7. Do you just get on with things when you are angry?8. Do you engage in self-talk to vent feelings of anger or anxiety?9. Do you remain cool in the face of others’ anger or aggression?10. How well can you concentrate when you are feeling anxious?11. Do you bounce back quickly after a setback?12. Do you deliver on your promises?13. Can you kick start yourself into action when appropriate?14. How willingly do you change the way you do things when current methods are not

working?15. Are you able to lift your energy level to tackle and complete boring tasks?16. Do you actively seek ways of resolving conflict?17. To what extent do you influence others about the way things are done?18. How willing are you to act as spokesperson for others?19. Are you able to demonstrate empathy with others’ feelings?20. To what extent do you find that others trust and confide in you?21. Do you find yourself able to raise morale and make others feel good?22. How freely do you offer help and assistance to others?23. Can you sense when others are feeling angry or anxious and respond appropriately?24. How effective are you at communicating your feelings to others in a way that gets

their support?25. Do you actively contribute to the management of conflict and emotion within your

workgroup or family?

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Give yourself 4 points for each A; 3 for each B, 2 for C and 1 for D.

Add scores for q1-5: this is your self-awareness score

Add scores for q6-10: this is your emotion management score

Add scores for q11-15: this is your self-motivation score

Add scores for q16-20: this is your relationship management score

Add scores for q21-25: this is your emotion coaching requirement scoreIf you scored 17 or more on a dimension this is pretty good. Any less and you need to consider areas for development within that dimension, perhaps in discussion with a colleague.

EI My EI development goals* are

Development Actions

Support/resources required

Time scales

1. Self-awareness2. Emotion

Management3. Self-

motivation4. Relationship

Management5. Emotion

coachingEI Development Plan

*Goals need to be positive (what you want), specific, realistic, measurable (e.g. what will you see, feel, hear when you have it), indicating what you will gain and who else is impacted

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10. Work and Personal Boundaries

Having clear work and personal boundaries is imperative for team and individual health and wellbeing, effective work performance and good relationships at work and personally.

You may need to share these boundaries at times with your colleagues particularly if you also have a personal relationship with them. You boundaries must include:

- Addressing each other professionally at work avoiding expressing such as ‘mate’ as this can be construed as favouritising. This includes all forms of communication including e mail.

- Ensuring that you know what your boundaries are and those who you have a personal relationship as well as a work relationship know what your boundaries are.

- Watch that you spend an appropriate amount of time with colleagues i.e. not spend a disproportionate amount of time with colleagues who are also friends.

11. Highest Purpose

This technique is really useful when you have a conflict.

This technique is most useful 1:1.

You start by saying to the other person what you have actually observed them doing that causes you some concern. Then ask them what their purpose in doing the behaviour is.

The other person then tells you what they have observed you doing that causes them some concern and asks what your purpose is in doing the behaviour.

You keep going, taking this in turns until you get to the highest purpose of each of you. You may find that the highest purpose is similar or the same.

You can then follow the 6 step conflict handling model in this workbook.

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12. Multiple Perspectives Technique

This technique involves identifying all of the people affected by the situation in which you find yourself – your stakeholders.

Write down the name of each stakeholder on a separate piece of paper. Write observer on the final sheet.

Lay the sheets out on the floor. Stand on each sheet in turn and ask yourself what your perspective is as this person seeing things through their eyes.

How does the conflict situation look from this person’s perspective? Write each perspective down.

What is your perspective as observer? Write this down.

Reflect on what you have written. How can you use these observations to move forwards with the situation that you are in?

13. Goal and Objective Setting: SMART – Focusing on what you do want

Metaphysics has proven that what we focus on is what we get. It therefore makes sense to focus on what we do want rather than what we do not want.

A SMART way to do this is to set goals and objectives that are:

- Positively stated – what I do want- Specific – what specifically do I want- Measurable - either qualitatively or quantitatively so that you know when you have

it. E.g. what will you see? What will be happening?- Achievable - Realistic- Time framed

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14. Problem > Solution Focused

People in organisations that are experiencing issues are often stuck in the problem. For example, they may say ‘the problem is…’

Once people adopt a solution focused approach problems are usually solved. For example, ‘I have heard what the problem is from each of your perspectives.

Let’s begin brainstorming some options for solutions that we can then assess against some criteria (e.g. cost, time) that we will set before coming up with the best solutions for us.’

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15. Coaching Model and Techniques

The GROW coaching model is useful when you want to help a colleague to achieve their outcome. You can use it for some self-coaching too.

G is for Goal - meaning precisely what you want

R is for Reality - what is happening to you now including barriers

O is for Options - what you could do, helping you to think about ideas that you may not have considered

W is for Will - what you commit to doing within a deadline for yourself to reach your goal

Work through the model from G. When you get to O, go back to G and check which options will help the individual best achieve their goal.

Some useful questions are provided here to ask at each stage of the model. Over time you can refine and develop your own checklist of questions and eventually you will know these.

G: What is your goal or outcome for this coaching today? [What’s the one area in your life where you would really notice better performance if you changed it? What will tell you that you have it? What is different? What will you notice then? What will you hear then? What will you be saying to yourself? What will you be feeling then? Where will you be doing this? What will you be doing then? What skills will you be using when you are doing this? What will you be believing or valuing then? What will be your identity then? [Specific; positively stated; present ‘I am doing x’; time bound; possible; measurable written down so we can refer back to it].

G: What benefits will that give you? (Motivation, drivers, values)

R: Is any of this happening already, even in small ways? How would you scale where you are now, 1-10?

R: In what contexts do you do the unwanted behaviours? R: When did this start?

R: What do you do now? R: What are the triggers?

R: When did you last do this? What happened?

R: What have you done to date to achieve your goal? What were the results?

R: What feedback have you had about this?

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R: What do you think is stopping you, what barriers exist, to your achieving your goal to date? (Limiting beliefs to play back. Suggest that these are challenged and changed over time)

R: What resources do you already have that could assist you in achieving your goal entirely?

R: What feelings are present?

RECAP GOAL

O: Thinking about your goal, let’s brainstorm (no editing) options for actions that you could take to help you to achieve your goal. [Probe to exhaustion – what if you were advising a friend? What if resources were no object? Just give me 3 more] I suggest that you write these down so that you can easily access those which you want to action shortly. From your options list do any other ideas come to mind? What else might you try? What criteria can you use to assess your options?

W: What will you do? What options feel/look/sound best? Which would give you the best result do you think? Where would you be then having completed those actions? What will you be doing then? What behaviours? What skills will you be using then? What will your beliefs be about yourself then? What will your identity be (I am)?

W: On a scale of 1-10 how committed are you to these actions? What is stopping it being 10?

W: When will you do each action, specifically? (Dates and times) Feedback action plan; check individual has written down

W: What could serve as a barrier to achieving any of these? What will you do then? [Modify x]

W: What resources do you need to achieve these tasks? What will you do to get these?

W: Who will you tell? What support will you ask of them?

W: Summarise what has been agreed; refer back to session goal – do you have a plan to get your this goal?

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16. The Ultimate Question – Is this helpful?

Finally, always do take action and always prepare for an interaction. Once you have decided what to do, ask yourself ‘is this helpful to me and the other person in terms of our respective outcomes?’

If you have not yet considered the other person’s outcome, you need to do this and check it out when you meet.

This may mean that you have more than one conversation. You may also be wise to check your proposed approach with a confidential colleague.

Avoid e mails for people related issues. Sending someone an e mail is transactional. Finding out how the other person feels and sees things is a better starting point.

You can then respond to this and discuss with them options for resolution.

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