the ultimate gaa handbook

8/8/2019 The Ultimate GAA Handbook

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The Ultimate GAA Handbook


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50 Culchie Commandments

01 - Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."02 - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.03 - Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better, in the porch talking.04 - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.05 - Thou shalt think Richie Kavanagh is fierce funny, and have all his records on your mantelpiece at home

06 - Thou shalt emulate Miley.07 - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."08 - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.09 - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your trailers.10 - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back window of all vehicles.11 - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.12 - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for beatin cattle.13 - Thine sons shall play GAA.14 - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.15 - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.16 - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin' Cabbages and the Corncrake.

17 - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from "the top of the parish."18 - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" and drink Cidona at all GAA matches.19 - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstards the Tans."20 - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.21 - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.22 - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all times.23 - Thou shalt not visit Dublin [except to Croker and to bring the wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ].24 - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all Steam Rallies.25 - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine Neighbour.26 - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.27 - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.

28 - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."29 - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charlois I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."30 - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.31 - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet Man."32 - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin' upstairs."33 - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.34 - Thou shalt drown cats.35 - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.36 - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when tramping silage.37 - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.38 - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."39 - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like anepileptic.40 - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round bales.41 - Thou shalt never leave the country.42 - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is for nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.43 - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic soap44 - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."45 - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing them for being "pure shite" at everygiven opportunity.46 - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints or Silvermints.47 - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.48 - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."49 - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to "Alice."50 - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the priest's hand in the process


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THE GAA IN WORLD TERMS

USA = Kerry - Utterly Arrogant and motivated by greed.. If they suffer the slightest injustice the whole worldhears about it. Leader sees himself as bit of a visionary; most see him as bit of a tyrant.

Al Qaeda = Meath - Thugs who like to take out opponents behind the play. Capable of upsetting just aboutanyone. Leader is a paranoid nutter.

United Kingdom = Galway - Had moved forward having been stuck in the past for decades. Have a leaderwho loves the sound of his own voice, full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.

France = Sligo - Perennial bridesmaids. Have a huge armoury but heavily criticised in the past for misfiring.More likely to bore you to death than to be a real threat to anyone.

Pakistan = Kildare - Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but has upset a large percentage of it's supporterbase through its over involvement with foreigners. Could soon experience a revolt within its own ranks.

India = Down - A sleeping giant, not a contender at the moment but with a huge supporter base. Likes to think

it's opinion is worth plenty, yet is largely ignored by non-fans. Local derbies can be a bit fiery.

The Northern Alliance = Laois - An undisciplined rabble in need of sponsorship dollars.

Israel = Dublin - Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere and usually only become vocal when they startwinning. See themselves as the chosen but in reality suffer from an over inflated sense of self. Local transportcan be a bit dodgy.

Palestine = Westmeath - A team currently going places, had been on the periphery for many years before thelate 90s. Not regarded as a big contender but has a strong and explosive youth policy.

Japan = Roscommon - No attack, last campaign of any note 1942. Big player in the 1970s and 1980s, howeverstruggling a bit these days.

Iraq = Limerick- Serious hardarses and strongminded who could be on the way back. Opponents prefer to seethem out of the Championship. Most of their neighbours hate them, they know it, and they don't care.

Russia = Cavan - Once a great superpower, recently in decay. Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.

Uzbekistan = Derry - Stuck in the middle. Has a bit of an ars*h*le as manager but light on ammunition.

Germany = Offaly - Tendency to self destruct. A strong history but off the scene of late. Unfortunate

uniforms.

Australia = Leitrim - Completely harmless. Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers. Supporters areloyal but regularly embarrassed.

Egypt = Donegal - Had a crack at dominance and though the remnants are still there they hark back to theglory days. A bit over defensive and vulnerable up the middle.

Please note that no country can be associated with Louth.

The closest thing was Lebanon but apparently even certain parts of war torn Beirut are bordering on pleasant.


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The catechism of GAA cliches (from "GAA confidential")

Of what is the club the cornerstone?The entire association.

What prefix is invariably associated with the weaker counties?So-called

Of what is there non of that young fella at wing-forward? Fear

But what incorporeal part of him would a good scelp to the head soften? His cough

With what could his team-mate in the corner not hit a cow's arse at five paces?A banjo

With what was the man inside him thick last night, a situation consequently hampering his

performance today?The drink

How much short of a tramp is that referee?Nothing

And what does he need to get checked pronto?His glasses

What would that big horse of a man at midfield do to a brick wall for you?Go through it

Because he is built like what other sort of brick structure?A sit-house

In what direction will this selfless fellow bust the play, to the advantage of his team-mates?Up

What is the most desired quality of a corner back?Stickiness

And a half-back?

Knackiness

And a midfielder?A great engine

And a half-forward?The propensity to take flight

And a corner-forward?Deadliness

Off what is the dressing-room door normally left hanging?The hinges

Off what do craggy old full-backs deliver the majority of digs to their markers?The ball


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By what term is this sort of happening usually referred to?An incident

What part of the team's individual bodies had the trainer run off them the other night?The legs

Because he is a what for the physical stuff?Savage


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Named and Famed

The GAA has a place for every Tom, Dick and Harry. Here are some players names from GAAconfidential that will never be forgotten

1 Stuart McKenzie-Smyth (Kildare)

2 Paddy "Rusty" Rustchitzko (Laois)

3 Ian Twiss (Kerry)

4 Lazerian Molloy (Offaly)

5 Shane Brick (Kerry)

6 Tony Scroope (Tipperary)

7 Moses Coffey (Wicklow)8 Bill Sex (Kildare)

9 Morgan Nix (Kerry)

10 Setanta O hAilpin (Cork)

11 Joe Caesar (Tipperary)

12 Hubert Rigney (Offaly)

13 Eddie Rockett (Waterford)14 Marius Stones (Offaly)

15 Hank Traynor (Meath)


8/31

Five reasons why we love the championship

Leaving early to beat the trafficYou have to laugh at some folks, who have paid good money to be there, inevitably get itchy feet with fiveminutes remaining and decide not to bother watching the rest of the game. Sure, we'll get it on the radio.In a perfect world: Supporters would be manacled to their sets/ terrace stanchions by unbreakable futuristicenergy beams,In a nightmare world: The players would leave with five minutes to go as well.

Finding new ways to beat the trafficImitate Jack Kerouac in heading for parts unknown! Imitate rally ace Austin McHale as you navigate impassabledirt tracks at high speed! Imitate that chubby guy in Deliverancewhen you lose your way and fall into the greasyhands of crazy hillbillies with a disturbing fondness for pigs!In a perfect world: You would own a KITT-style self-aware vehicle which whisks you home as you sleep, eatand laugh at Pete Finnerty's inaccurate predictions.In a nightmare world: Youd get a puncture and discover you'd left the spare at home, during a rainstorm.

Rumour and Innuendopeople love to gossip and speculate, and inter-county provides us with ample material: injuries to key players,bust-ups with management, star forward spotted on the lash with certain well-known TV personality until eightin the morning, etc.In a perfect world: Scurrilous (though untrue) rumours would unsettle the opposition just enough for yourteam to capitalise.In a nightmare world: Scurrilous rumours about your own team would prove to be completely true.

That sick felling in the pit of your stomach just before throw-inI could never figure out why anyone gets tanked up before a match, because it dulls the senses andthus deprives you of that beautifully keen edge of anxiety. You're supposed to face the prospect ofdefeat with something approaching mortal dread. Sure, it's horrible at the time, but makes winningall the sweeter.In a perfect world: All those pent-up, broiling emotions would explode outwards in relief and joyas the final whistle signifies victory.In a nightmare world: The guy behind you would puke on your shirt with nerves.

Annoying GAA-Haters> There is something deliciously pleasurable about annoying those narrow-minded a**holes who have an axe togrind with Gaelic games and the people who follow them. And it doesn't get any better than high summer: hugeattendances, skyrocketing TV ratings, great atmosphere......in direct contrast to the miserable crowds and generalair of decline which attend the League of Ireland.In a perfect world: GAA-bashing types would be forced to sit through a two hour compilation of the most-numbingly tedious post-match interviews.In a nightmare world: More people would go to see the FAI Cup final than a bog-standard championshipmatch. But that'll never happen. Will it?


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Some unanswered questions

Why is it that......players who were fit enough to come on as a sub weren't fit enough to start?

Why is it that......soccer togs keep changing from castrating tight to ridiculously enormous andback, while GAA togs have remained the same?

Why is it that.....when a point is scored, the umpire who isn't in possession of the flag always

leans back really far, pauses for effect and then dramatically points at his buddy to raise the flag?

Why is it that.....the sliothar has those funny rims around the side? Is it for aerodynamics or

what?

Why is it that......they stopped putting a big flashing 'R' on the telly when a replay would be

shown?

Why is it that......summers used to always be hotter and sunnier years ago?

Why is it that......the Sam Maguire has only two handles, while the Liam McCarthy has four?

Why is it that.....people are allowed wear those ridiculous straw cowboy hats to matches? Surely

Central council should put a ban on them?

Why is it that......player always claim they had a 'point to prove today' after winning a match? Do

they ever just go out and make their best effort to win the game?


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You know its Championship time with......

* Flags outside houses near championship time.

* The noise in Croke Park when the teams come out.

* The few pints in the Big Tree before the game

* The anticipation in the days coming up to a big game

* The banter between supporters.

* The stories about players from a bygone age

* Every player, no matter how good, always has a younger brother that would have been betterbut for the booze/women/emigration/job/incarceration etc. (Delete as appropriate)

* On any one summer Sunday more people would attend club and county fixtures across thecountry than would attend soccer and rugby combined all year long.

* Old blokes with transistor radios who are always more interested in the radio telling you aboutU-21 hurling down in Limerick than the game they're watching in front of them.

* Ringing up people you haven't spoke to in 12 months telling them to keep you in mind for aticket, and then getting a complete shock when they come up with the goods. Then telling

everyone that asks you for a ticket to 'feck off - do you not know how hard it is to get tickets'.* The craic in the pub after a big win and not caring that you're going to miss the bus, becauseyou know someone will give you a lift.

* The OOOOOOO of the crowd when there is a bone crunching shoulder.

* Those days when you're playing out of your skin and you can do no wrong, you just knowbefore the keeper kicks the ball out, youre going to catch it clean.

* Championship football on a warm summers evening, the hard sod, quick ball and the roar ofthe crowd.

* Pints in the town after winning a club championship game.

* John 3:7

* Beaches in July when all the fathers are inside their cars listening to the news from Clones orThurles.

* Interviews with the players and you hear the real accents of the places they come from.* Bringing the cup around to schools in the months after the all-Ireland

* Pubs with All-star posters on the walls


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* "Paddys" car or van filled to the roof with under 12's on the way to a match. Then, on the wayhome he stops at a shop and buys them all ice-cream, all from his own pocket.

* The one line comment from some wit in the crowd that gets both sets of supporters laughingand cheering.

* The last bars of amhran na bhFiann lost in the mighty roar

* Cars parked in every gap in the hedge and every farmyard at local championship matches.

* Not caring about the splatters of cowshite caked on the ankle of your trousers because of theday thats in it.

* Young wans playing their own championship behind the goals at the county final

* "Anyone buyin or sellin a ticket?

* The anticipation of the first club challenge match of the year* Wee Mickey on the School team being the first player from the club to get a provincial medal -boys but he's going to be some footballer.

* The same wee Mickey getting caught by his da taking a pint after he scores 1-6 on hischampionship debut at 15 - bought for him by the club captain - who's da caught him in asimilar situation 15 years earlier

* You shake hands with the guy you're marking before the match, then proceed to kick seven

sorts of s**t out of him and abuse his mother for 60 minutes, and shake hands with him againafter.

* Being lifted over the turnstiles by your Da when you were a kid.

* Having something to talk to your Da about

* gives you sense of identity of where you come from, something you will have til the day youdie

* when you're a young lad after coming home from Croker, you and cousins and neighboursplay out the match again until the Sunday game (you're Mikey Sheehy and your cousin is JackO'Shea)

* The pure Heart and love for the game that makes a lad want to die going for the ball asopposed to the pros in soccer that show no emotion.

* The local newspaper supplements in the week of a big match

* Straw hats (why are they confined almost exclusively to Galway and Mayo supporters?)* The conveyor line of stout, so they just top one off when you order


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* The combination of professionalism and naivety - Larry Tompkins, one of the best preparedand most professional footballers ever, missed a Munster final because he got sunburned on hisfeet!

* The most professional sports organization in the country runs one of the few truly amateursports left and sends out Danny Lynch to deal with the world's media!

* The consolation that no matter how bad things go ..there's always next year.

* Wearing your county jersey because you love it, not because it is a fashion item.

* Hearing people in the crowd going on about will so-and-so start? I heard he's on the beer, Iheard he's too busy chasing skirt to be bothered his arse training etc. giving out about him forthe whole game and then he ends up being the hero by scoring the last minute winner and theyturn around and say I knew he'd do it, what did I tell ye?


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GAA Phrasebook

HOLLY -- e.g "I gave it holly".......I put a fair bit of effort into it

BOLLIX -- Pat Spillane, a dangerous player or any Clare players or supporters

MIGHTY -- very good

HAMES -- a right shite e.g. "He made a hames of that chance"

TIMBER -- Intimidation of a hurling opponent e.g. "Show him some timber"

LAMP -- A good thump e.g. "I swung for the sliothar, missed by three feet and lamped the fullback.

A CROWD -- A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random acts of violence e.g.

Clare supporters

MANTACH(east Galway)--- missing front teeth eg Martin Staunton is mantach

SCHKELP -- to remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures e.g. "That bollix of a

fullback took a schkelp outta me leg".

HATCHETMAN -- Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts

BULLIN' -- Angry e.g "The full forward was bullin after I lamped him".

BULL THICK -- very angry e.g. "The full forward was bull thick after I lamped him again".

CITEOG -- left sided player. Takes frees by putting the Hurley between his legs.

JOULT -- A push e.g. "I gave him a joult and he's wearing a neck brace with two weeks".

THE COMM-A-TEE -- Local GAA bullshitters in general.

BUSHTED -- An undefined soreness e.g. "Jayz me finger is bushted".

THE BOMBER -- Popular name for a fat hairy GAA player

TULLYALLEN (Meath)-- Extra effort to achieve height and length in a clearance ("Give itTullyallen"). Also common in Louth

HANG SANGWIDGE -- Consumed with "tay" by the Tipp supporters on the sides of roads after

matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of butter.

RAKE -- A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before a big match.

INDANAMAJAYSUS! (in da nama Jaysus) -- What was that for ref !

YA BOLLIX YA -- Corner back's recognition of a score by his opponent

LEH-IT-IN-TA-FUCK-WUD-YA -- Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely de

livery of the pass.


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MULLOCKER -- untidy or awkward player released for matches.

BURST THE BOLLIX -- instructions from the sideline to tackle your man.

ROW -- disagreement involving four or more players.

MASSIVE ROW -- disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, subs and supporters

umping fences.

ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE -- a massive row that continues out in the parking area or dressing

room areas, usually resolved by the Garda.


15/31

The Great GAA Quotes

"Is the ref going to finally blow his whistle?... No, he's going to blow his nose!" - RadioKilkenny commentator

"Its all over... Clare are... Jeeeesus !!" - Matthew McMahon, Clare FM (at the end of the

Munster Final 1995)"The cigarettes are being lit here in the Commentary Box. The lads are getting anxious.

Its a line ball down there to Clare and who is to take it?... Will ye put 'em out lads! Ye'll

choke me." - Matthew McMahon, Clare FM (During the 1995 hurling All-Ireland)

" Ollie Murphy is after throwing so many dummies, you would'nt see the likes in a

creche " - Kevin Mallon on n LM/FM local radio

And Tom Cheasty breaks through with Kilkenny defenders falling around him like

dying wasps the legendary Mchel OHehir

We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a week now, and

some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday - Offaly hurler quote before a Leinsterhurling final vs. Kilkenny

Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training, like dogs -

anonymous Clare hurler

I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipp. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tellthem the time of the throw-in - Ger Loughnane on his controversial selection policy.

Babs Keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick

and tired of him - Offaly fan in 1998

And as for you, youre not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-

hopers - FormerClare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat

Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine,but the gardai

let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players -Waterford fan after2002 Munster final

They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag - Pat Spillane on theCavan football team

Meath players like to get their retaliation in first - Cork fan 1988

Meath make football a colourful game-you get all black and blue - Cork fan 1988

Colin Corkery is deceptive. He is slower than he looks - Kerry fan

Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months -Kerryplayer during league campaign 1980s.


16/31

Some examples of encouragement to players, on the field and off...

"God would you rise it McMahon! If twas a skirt you'd lift it quick enough!..." - Aspectators words of encouragement at Athenry, in county Galway as a player struggled toheroically to lift the sliothar.

Lock the gates and make the shaggers stay and watch! A shout from Meath footballfans at the All Ireland semi-final of 2001, as their team toyed with Kerry, while Kingdom fansfled the terraces in droves.

What would the President want to see me for?" - Christy Ring, on being told PresidentHillery wanting to meet him at the first entire production of Val Dorgans play called 'TheHurler'

"If Dorgan hadnt been a Glenman I would have walked out" Christy Ring on seeing the

play The Hurler

"Wrap up those sandwiches and put them in the deep freeze for the replay" A cry heardfrom the terraces at the 1996 Munster hurling final. Tipperary had led by nine points at half timebut Limerick came back, with the scores level with 4 minutes to go.

An inter-county player was sounding out Christy Ring on what aspects of play various playerswould be remembered for. "What will I be remembered for? he asked... "Nothing", wasthe reply.

"Keep your eye on the ball, even when it's in the referee's pocket" Rings advice toaspiring hurlers.

"He ate the shite out of us" said an Offaly player of Eamon Cregans half time speech in the1994 senior hurling All Ireland

Ye can put out the cigarettes now lads. This is championship! Meath football mentor ina senior football club, just before the lads took the field


17/31

Words from the great Mchel Muircheartaigh:

And Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, Ill tell ye a little story. I was in TimesSquare in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I

approached a newsstand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have The Kerryman would ye?' Towhich the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'Do you want the North Kerryedition or the South Kerry edition?'... He had both... So I bought both. And Dooher is back onhis feet..."

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people areundertakers"

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner Street this morning and the omens seem to be

good for them. The priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! Forty yards out onthe Hogan stand side of the field Ciarn Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much forreligion."

Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't beplaying football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus wasa great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.

"1-5 to 0-8 Well, from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language".

"Pat Fox has it on his hurley and is motoring well now ... But here comes Joe Rabbitte hot onhis tail ... I've seen it all now - a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"

"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a watercompany. Cork Sponsored by a tay company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tay."

"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"

"Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well"

"He grabs the sliothar, he's on the 50...... He's on the 40...... He's on the 30...... He's on theground"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball".

"He kicks the ball ard san aer. Could've been a goal. Could've been a point.... It went wide."

"Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly... Stephen, one of twelve ... All but one are here to-day. The one that's missing is Mary. She's at home minding the house And the ball isdropping i lr na pirce...."

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar. I bought a dog from his father last week. Foxturns and sprints for goal. The dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 firesa shot, it goes to the left and wide And the dog lost as well.


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19/31

You know youre a Junior Hurler when......

After playing a stinker you hear your old fella say that your brother in New York was a better

man....and he never played.

The grey haired fella at left corner forward, that you never saw at training, played hurling with

your father in the early '70s and was as useless then as he is now...but he's still a legend.

You hear the old guys on the line talking about the old sliothar, that was heavier than a bag of

sugar on a wet day.

You tog out underneath some trees on the 1st of February.

You go to solo with the ball when the ref awards a free against you for over carrying because the

cornerback has your Hurley under his axter.

Every sideline cut trickles for 5 yards.

The ref is continually giving throw ins because more than 10 hurlers were whipping on the

sliothar.

The team trainer says "when we won the championship in '68...

The team trainer remembers all the dead hurlers in the pep talk.

When the bony arsed bog man in midfield is wearing shin pads.


20/31

HURLING EXPLAINED

A great piece written by a Meathman about hurling....

"Coming from Meath, I don't know much about any sport other than football. I've seen

handball once. I've heard there's a game called 'rounders' and I'm even told that there's awomen's version of gaelic football, where they're allowed to pick the ball off the ground and apoint is worth three goals. But all I knew, until recently, about the other sport administered bythe GAA was that it involves the use of weapons and that only Kilkenny, Tipperary and Corkare allowed to play it. (For the information of football people, Kilkenny, apparently, is a countyin Leinster).I've never met people from Kilkenny or Tipperary because those places are very far in off themain roads, so the only hurling fans I've ever met were from Cork. (I can understand why Corkpeople follow hurling, because I've seen their football teams). Anyway, these people told me

without being asked) that hurling is "de fastest field game in de world (boy)" and "de most

skilful sport of 'em all (like)". So I decided that I should plug this gap in my education andrented a few tapes of big matches to try and figure out how hurling works. I was immediatelysurprised to find out that, unlike most field games, hurling doesn't involve the use of a ball.Look as closely as you like at any game of hurling and you'll see no ball. At first, I thought theball must be too small and travelling at too great a speed to be visible to the naked, non-Corkonian, Kilkennian or Tipperarian eye. But I quickly realised that hurling is, in fact, a stick-breaking competition, in which the object of the game is to break your weapon, a thick ash stick,either against your opponent's stick (like the reverse of the principle of conkers) or, failing that,against his limbs, torso, head etc.

While the weapon remains unbroken, it is used to weaken the opponent's resistance and thusmake it easier to chase him down and improve your chances of a successful break. The stick iscalled a hurley and there are three parts to it - the warhead, which is the heavy end of the

weapon, usually reinforced with steel bands. It is used for cudgelling, bludgeoning and inflictingcontusions, concussion and localised damage to the head and body of the opponent; - the bladethis is the sharpened, curved part of the device, just above the warhead area, which is effective inslicing through fleshy tissue and in routine amputation applications; - the butt, which is thestabbing end of the apparatus, used for tenderising the opponent's rib cartilage. The only

protective equipment used is the helmet. Helmets come in a variety of styles. Many players wearknee-pads tied to the tops of their heads, some stick their heads up through the bottom of acanary-cage and one lad from Cork wears a deep-fat fryer. The headgear also comes in variouscolours because, apparently, no two players on any team are allowed to wear the same colour.

The game starts with two players from each side standing, fully armed, in the middle of the field.On a signal from the referee, they start to beat each other about the ankles with their sticks untilthe referee blows a whistle. When he blows it again, other sets of combatants lay into each other,trying to break their sticks, either overhead against their opponent's weapon in a sort of aerial

fencing (known as "the clash of the ash") or on the opponent himself (the gash of the ash).When a player succeeds in breaking his stick - a smash of the ash - a huge roar goes up from thecrowd, the player waves his broken stick above his head in triumph and immediately he isthrown a replacement weapon from a store that is kept on the sideline (the stash of the ash).


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The crowd roars at other random occasions also, in what appears to be a side competitionbetween the two sets of supporters, because when they roar, a man in a white coat holds up a

white flag, in the manner of an umpire in football. If the roar is really loud, he waves a greenflag.If a player manages to strike his opponent on the hand or in the stomach area, this is known as a"dirty pull" and is one of the principal skills of the game. The only form of violence not

permitted is pushing an opponent in the back and referees deal mercilessly with offendersagainst this rule. On the other hand, crippling, mangling, maiming and disembowelling andall other forms of "lash with the ash" are quite in order. The contest continues until there are nospare sticks left and the referee declares a winner, presumably based on a combination of brokenstick count and number of casualties which, considering the weaponry deployed and the ferocityof the conflict is usually remarkably few. As a result of this preliminary research, I came to a fewobvious conclusions: Kilkenny must be disarmed - by force if necessary; weapons inspectorsmust be given access to Cork and Tipperary and there is finally an explanation for the fact that

the Romans never came to Ireland.I discovered also that only teachers, students and policemen play the game. This makes sense,everybody else has work to go to. One final mystery remains: where are the Gardai when all thisis going on? When will the blue lights flash on the clash of the ash?"


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The Top 10 GAA cock-ups

Kerry's "goal" against Tipp (1999 Munster football c'ship) : After just eight minutes Kerrycorner-forward Gerry Murphy kicked the ball wide but it came back into play off a stanchionand the Rathmore player finished the rebound to the net. Kerry won by 6 points and Tipp werenot awarded a replay.

The "point" that never was (1995 Leinster football tie): Laois' Mick Turley kicked the ballover his head with 42 seconds remaining and the ball was deemed to have gone over the Carlowbar. But video evidence showed that it had gone wide. Laois won by a point. Laois later offeredCarlow a replay and won in the re-fixture.

Six sent off (1999 Leinster tie): With the introduction of new rules, ref Niall Barrett of Corkdished out 14 yellow cards and sent off six players, four from Carlow. Westmeath won by fourpoints.

GPA "Player of the Year" (2001): After initially awarding and informing Padraig Joyce bothverbally and in writing that he had won their award, on the night of the presentation he isplaying for Connacht in the Railway Cup in Killarney and cannot attend. But at the ceremony itis announced that Declan Meehan won the award.

Jimmy Cooney's "lost minutes" (1998 All-Ireland hurling semi-final) : With Clare hangingon to a three point lead against Offaly, Galway ref Jimmy Cooney blows for full-time with overtwo minutes of play remaining. By the time he realised his mistake, stewards were leading him

from the field. Hundreds of Offaly fans sat in protest on the field. The Kerry U-21 hurlers weredue to play Kildare after but couldn't proceed. The senior game went to a replay, which Offaly

won.

Cork minor's two yellows (2000 minor semi): Midfielder Kieran Murphy received two yellowcards from Roscommon ref Gerry Kinneavy but wasn't ordered off. Cork held on by a pointand Derry's appeal for a rematch was turned down.

Alcohol Sponsorship : In pre-Guinness hurling championship times the Central Council voted

against accepting financial backing from the drinks Industry at a behind closed doors meeting. Itsubsequently emerged that the vote was tied and it was former and the then GAA PresidentPeter Quinn which decided the issue.

Wrong team won (Connacht minor final 1989): In the dying seconds of the game,Roscommon who are trailing Galway by a point, are awarder a penalty. Shane Curran sprintsforward and drives the kick to the net. The whistle blows and Roscommon assume they have

won and are presented with the cup. But it subsequently emerges that the ref disallowed the goalfrom the penalty and Galway are declared the official winners. Galway agrees to a replay but

lose.


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Get off Charlie Redmond (1995 All-Ireland final): Ref Paddy Russel sent Charlie off in thegame against Tyrone, but Charlie stayed on the field. It was only a few minutes later when theref sees Charlie that he leaves the field. Dublin win by a point but Tyrone do not appeal.

No show for extra-time (1987 NFL QF): Dublin and Cork finish level at the end of normaltime. Cork retires to their dressing room and fails to re-appear for the E T. The match was

restarted with Dublin facing no opposition. While the Cork players are on their bus, BarneyRock scores the easiest game of his career to put Dublin through. Cork's protests are turneddown and Dublin goes on to win the League.


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Every club has one

Physio's Friend: Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical physio's friend and theyare: 'lame for every game'. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, sore groins, you name it, and hehas had it. Physiotherapists dream about getting one of these players on their client list. He is theideal customer once a physio's friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten. With a

guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined, the sick one will pay bills,mortgages and put children through university.

The Male Model: It's easy to spot the male model at training sessions. He's the player wearingthe Cork jersey on Monday, Tipp on Wednesday and Clare on Friday. Not only will he have thejersey, he'll also have then accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport ahealthy tan for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing roomguaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his liberal application of deodorant,he can be difficult to see, as he will be enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male

Model despises the fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers.However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing room looking andsmelling his very best.

County Star (Club Hero): He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep atnight by counting O'Neill's sliothars floating over a crossbar. Despite huge commitments to thecounty panel, he will be a regular attendee at club training sessions. The Club Hero is highly

valued, primarily for his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club heroes

watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from cigarettes. If they have one weakness,it's women. For some misguided reason they are under the illusion that women are notdetrimental to your health.

County Star (The Invisible Man): This other type of county hurler enjoys a love/hate, thoughmostly hate, relationship with his club's supporters. They love him when he turns up formatches because he can be the difference between winning and losing a match. They hate himbecause they think he is a bigheaded poser, who seeks only personal glory through his countyteam, while abandoning the very club that taught him how to play the game.

Hard Ground Specialist: Just as there are racehorses that cannot cope with soft ground, sothere are hurlers that feel ill suited to early season training. Hard ground specialists consider thededicated winter trainers to be mere point-to-pointers, whereas they are the genuine flat-racethoroughbred. With the recent good weather, they will have started to appear at training sessionsthroughout the country in their droves.

The Schoolboy: The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: hurling. Carrying absolutely noweight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the team are jealous of

schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior hurling is the traditional sacrificial groundwhere balding corner backs regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason.Schoolboys are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay clear ofserious injury.


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The Student: The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that of thecaterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only ambition was to get on thesenior team; the student discovers the pleasures of wine, woman and song. Hurling is put waydown the agenda. For the first six months of his fresher year the student will have a silly looking

smile permanently attached to his face. A potbelly will start to develop in his midriff. He willgive the excuse of either assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet therewill be repeated sightings of him in de local...., you get the picture. The club hero will try tolecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless, he will be a lost soul for thenext four years.

Due to space constraints these are all the players that can be described today. Other players,which could not be included, were: Team Talker, Psycho, Mr Excuses, and the Nearly Man.Others would include the one more year man.... brought on with ten minutes to go to

rapturous roars from the crowd, never won a medal, jersey clinging to the belly, socks up aroundthe bandaged knee. Subject to rushes of blood to the head, which guarantee a ball to beballooned into the stands after a headless thirty yard, run driven on by the crowd. The Horse ...

who has no hurling whatsoever, but is there on pure brute strength alone, and would spend afull training session lining up for a crack at the Model, the Schoolboy, the Student or the CountyStar.


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A Typical GAA B Team

Goalie - Must have 'great goalmouth presence'... which is secret code for being fat enough tohave his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost

convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got hisknees dirty diving was at a cil in 1965 when his version of The Hucklebuck went out ofcontrol, with numerous casualties.

Right Corner Back- The quiet man of the line-up. He seems to escape the jokes in thedressing room just because no one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths.Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Only physical contact with a woman consistsof the 'Sign of Peace' handshake at Mass on a Sunday morning, so he always makes sure to sidleinto the pew beside a couple a' fine lookin' young wans.

Full Back- First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. NicknamedSledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nosebleed if he passes beyond his own 50-yard line.Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left Corner Back- Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known todisappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be mademark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right Half Back- Just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near thesenior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically themanager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training

we're not going to give you a game".

Centre Back- Disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM andnow has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe.Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left Half Back- County u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he isstill told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don'tpass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - Chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he isjustified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-likedcharacter because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.

Midfielder - The full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on hisknee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every

time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.


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Right Half Forward - Quietly spoken businessman who hails from the village but is living nowin Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to makeof him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in National School"

Centre Forward - The third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Isthe target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or

something.... By the way, that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.Left Half Forward - Utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens tobe a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important tothe team to get injured. Is basically the team's main source of points.

Right Corner Forward - Happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 buthas suddenly decided to take up the game again. His natural talent - like his genitalia - iscompletely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and

gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.Full Forward - Hasn't scored since the end of the Emergency but is captain of the team and isan all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the targetis "He's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained inblood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition.Only at junior B will the full forward and fullback play the game the exact same way, and couldeven switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left Corner Forward - The village thug, who invariably sports an earring and a seriously dodgyhaircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays 'the foreigngame' with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all andsundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtueof his youngest daughter


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A Selection of GAA Club characters

The Legend : Made one inter county wintery league substituted appearance back in 1978 andhas been a regular full back on the club team, since then after having acquired golden experience

and regularly deferred to as the Club expert on any scenario on the field. Wears supports onboth knees, both wrists,both elbows, has no teeth left from horrendous off the ball incidentinvolving priest at wing back on opposite team. Completely grey from shock of farming accident15 years prior. Wears size 8 boot which are very small feet to carry considerable girth of a manhis age and width consequently has dreadful difficulty staying on his feet but can always be reliedupon to drag his man down inside the square. Unbeatable on a high pulling ball and under adropping ball has been known to ruin many a hurling career, sex life and marriage prospects ofmany's the young hurler. Level head on the team and can always be called upon to make apassionate call on the annual first and only round of the championship what it means to wearthe colours of the parish and fellas that are years younger than him retired long ago just becausethey don't understand the Pride at which point he breaks down. Wants to die on the hurlingfield only problem is he seems to ensure it happens to many's the hurler who comes or pullsacross him. The Legend !

The Doctor: Regular supporter generally retired ended up holding the medical kit one day andever since the lads have called him the Doctor. Well versed on psychology that applies in seriousmedical emergencies on the field in fact his most recent comment upon viewing the broken leg

of one of the star hurlers was "Jesus his leg is f***ed lads !". Has been known to light upcigarette for player while tending to his injuries and is especially well versed at herbal remediesfor wounds liberally applying distilled potatoes from a barrel to a muscle wound with the caveat'Don't waste it'. Generally complements his medical knowledge with detailed recollections ofeven the most mundane club encounters of the previous 20 years. Club allocates 50 pounds ayear to his budget for medical seminars run by the county board amounting 850 pounds of clubservice and as many pints that have been bought in the seminar's stead. Generally is a pipesmoker and his smell of tobaccolingers long after him in the dressing room

The Athlete:

Generally hailing from sports mecca of Limerick this all rounder seems to have reached zenithof sports career no matter what he turns his hand to. Took up hurling at 16 years old and madethe minor county team two years later pissing off a lot of fellas who had been hurling since they

were born stick in hand. He is the one lad everyone loves hopping off at training and generallysustains a lot of finger and hand injuries during training. Generally remains clean even during

winter running and his kit bag is never O Neills , always Umbro , Man United or Canterbury.

Never drinks with the lads in the Club and if he does it's a rock shandy or Lucozade Sport.Generally a sad individual despite the fact his girlfriend is a model, lads have no time for him ashe will never take on 7 brothers from Ballybrown for one of his own men. Bad Egg !!


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The Timber Merchant:Wheeled out of the pub for the start of winter hurling where thesliotar drops dead in the Square and the last man standing tends to be the Timber Merchant.Every Club has one as before the start of any game when fellas are giving their spare hurleys tosomeone to carry for them, it takes one man alone to carry the sticks for the timber merchant.Loves the throw in ball and has been known to run full lenght of the field for a throw in whichhe wins but hurley flies into smithereens.Tends to be well known among all the local clubs and

generally the standard against which aspiring hard men judge themselves. Walks with the cockygait of a gladiator on the field, his girlfriend/wife tends to be 'a brewtal looking wan' who looksas if she was dragged through the Liffey backwards and hit a few bunkers along the way. Shegenerally tends to be the boss in the relationship , she is actually affectionately known as theCorner back (more details later). Timber Merchant generally retires early with major arthritis buthis two sons are carrying on the family tradition having already been sent off and banned twicefrom 14 and u 16 championships.Dad is their hero.

The Keeper:Vies with the legend in terms of team appearances and sometimes longevity,emotionally attached to his many collections of hurleys and needs at least two young fellas tocarry out his hurleys at the start of a game as he has so many. Has stick for every weather typeand usually has a maggoty towel of great sentimental value that he uses to dry the hurleys. Wasexcused from regular physical training at the age of 22 because he was finding it so difficultconsequently now weighs 17 and a half stone, can drink 22 pints in one sitting, is looking toretire this year even though he is just turning 26. Possesses ferocious vocabulary and can oftenbe heard spewing vitriol during a game , and that is only at his own team. Doesn't believe hedeserves criticism levelled at him during a game after letting in his fifth goal ( 4 of which

scuttered under his hurley),blaming the full back line for being 45 yards off their men aftercollectively thundering out to pull on a ball and miss it . G'wan Chunga !!! Has an effortlessstroke and wins the Puc Fada every year in the parish but never lifts his gameat inter county pucfada as he can't stay off the drink. His brother is known as 'The Drinker.' (see below)

The Drinker :Would without doubt be the best county minor ever produced by the clubexcept for the fact as a prodigius under 14 talent was given a celebratory pint by The Doctor(see above) after winning the first round of the 14 championship and it was downhill from there.

Progressed from putting sugar in his Guinness to skulling half pints of Bulmers in the showersbefore the game. Can be regularly seen puking in the changing room toilets at half time, flashesof brilliance produced once a year for a few minutes enough to warrant the three old men on thesidelines to mourn the loss of talent in a youth such as him. Club in the light of his behaviourreviews their drink policy and radically alters it so that only Under 15 hurlers and upwards areallowed pints on the day of a match, upper limit set at 8 pints,only allowed cider and vodka, no

whiskey allowed to under 16's. Had to be dragged from the local at 4am the night before thecounty final, eyes red in photo, scored 1-6 from play , went on a two month bender after the

win, wrote off three family cars , needs to be collected for every game .Great talent.


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Three Old Men: Living vicariously through the current crop of youngsters. They attend withdiligence every club game from street leaguesto senior. Hurlers on the Ditch they recall withpride the battles they fought for the parish in their days and one of them knocks with glee onthe metal plate in his skull inserted after a vicious game, though he played on the full game,busted open as wide as the Hoors Gait ! Not known as great supporters of the more gracefulstyle of hurler in the club, three man fan club of 'the legend' and 'the timber merchant'. Tweed

caps badly need replacing,cigarette butt almost attached cutaneously to the lower lip,two carrybad hips from ferocious games of their youth, and one has ashortened leg as a result of a kickfrom a ******* when younger though rumour has it got was from his brother over a woman

who left them both at the tender age of 28 for a midfielder in the next parish. Hasn't spoken tothe brother since but managed to end career of other parish's midfielder with a flourish...'But,

The ball was there ref"

The Corner Back :At first glance this name would elicit the notion of a player on the team,however this is in fact the affectionate pet name for the Lady of the team. Currently engaged for9 years to the Timber Merchant her own history is as long and varied as the club's. A greatsupporter of the senior hurling team a spin with the corner back was as necessary as a game ofjunior hurling for any u-16 youth wanting to be blooded for senior hurling. A very supportiveyoung lady she has had flings with the entire full back line, half back line, midfield pairing ofthree years ago and 4 of the forwards, the other two having retired 7 years ago though rumourhas it she was a great supporter of them too. Her name constantly appears in the changing roombanter all the lads slagging each other about her and how they would never go there yet uponreviewing college hurling team newsletter her name appears as "Corner Back Mark 2 , corner

back mark 4,corner back 7, "and so on. Eventually settled for the raw charm of The TimberMerchant ,likes her men, -ahem!- hard and loves to boast about her fella cutting the head off theopposition. Has been known to stray after 17 pints of cider and gives a rousing rendition of'Sean South' after every championship. A great girl altogether, also regular full back on the ladiescamogie team, football team, long puck champion 23 years running assuming the title after herMother retired , herself a virgin like her Mother before her.

The Coach: Bitter about his unsuccessful inter county career he embarks on a mission to bring

his crew of 19 ,desperate hurlers from U-15 ranks to senior inter county champions in threeyears. His loyalty to the Club is unquestionable, his red with white stripe O'Neills cottontracksuit can be seen as the solitary figure cutting grass of a saturday morning at 8am in advanceof that afternoon's league game. His passion is unquenchable he finds it hard not to getfrustrated at the lackadaisical attitude of some Under 13's. Guaranteed to fall out with Clubexecutive committee over some of his training practices, expects complete infallability andloyalty, and generally loses 3 - 5 players during the year through rows about their attendance. Hiscar tends to be a Ford Capri or Ford Cortina, or indeed has a Honda 30. Guaranteed to have122 - 150 Hurleys of all sizes in the boot, replete with sliotars, bottles, deep heat, umbrellas,damp anoraks, odd football boots, steel toe capped boots, mars bars, hats, flags, caps, twohelmets, nets, two bags of filthy smelly jerseys, , 1982 version of Leinster Leader July 2n.. GreatClub man, but very, very, bitter.


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The Committee:A plethora of 'Characters' with a collective hurling experience in terms ofyears of 383.Matches collective waist size in terms of inches. Meet every Tuesday night anddiscuss deplorable standard of hurling in the club, blame soccer, rugby and The Spice Girls.Decide to remove cider from Club bar as too many lads have psychotic episodes with same,cagey about new committee member of 28 years of age, slow to change, ruthless in politicalmanoeuvrings, utmost respect for the county board though the *******s didn't change our

Junior B final even though we had three girls and three lads in the Scr finals. Struggle with theaccounts and often reply that things have always been done that way. Strictly adhere tocommittee rules and procedures, everything must go 'through the Chair' and minutes areminutely recorded and scrutinised. Due to age of Committee large amount of Club budget goeson purchasing Mass cards for recently deceased member of opposing hurling teams of old, ardheis D....

The Ladies Committee Great for sandwiches and tea after the big games always bring finertouch to Club noting that ashtrays should never be left full in the bar. Often the flirting going onbetween committee members and ladies committee is horrendous especially as most of them aremarried to one another. Fairly liberal users of bad language; have been known to question thelineage of many's the referee in their day. Very suspicious of new ladies wanting to help out andgenerally politely refuse offers of help throughout the year. Mother of keeper, full back, andtimber merchant on the committee.

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