the twin tales of whiteness: exploring the emotional

Taboo: The Journal of Culture and Education

Volume 16 | Issue 1 Article 4

March 2017

The Twin Tales of Whiteness: Exploring theEmotional Roller Coaster of Teaching andLearning about WhitenessCheryl E. Matias

Allison Henry

Craig Darland

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Recommended CitationMatias, C. E., Henry, A., & Darland, C. (2017). The Twin Tales of Whiteness: Exploring the Emotional Roller Coaster of Teaching andLearning about Whiteness. Taboo: The Journal of Culture and Education, 16 (1). https://doi.org/10.31390/taboo.16.1.04

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https://doi.org/10.31390/taboo.16.1.04

Cheryl E. Matias, Allison Henry, & Craig Darland �

The Twin Tales of WhitenessExploring the Emotional Roller Coaster

of Teaching and Learning about Whiteness

Abstract

Teaching about race is understandably daunting, taxing, and emotionallydrainingespeciallywithintheU.S.contextwherewhitessignificantlyoutnumberPeopleofColor as teachers. Inorder to co-create amorehumaneand raciallyjustsocietyintheU.S.andbeyond,however,raceeducatorsandscholarsremainsteadfastintheirpedagogiesandcurricula,hopingthatthe“burden”ofteachingteachers(amajoritywhite)isasmallpricetopayforthehopeofabettersociety.Thisarticleexamineswhathappenswhenoneeducatorrefusestoremainsilentaboutrace—moreoverwhiteness—inagraduatecourseconsistingmostlyofU.S.whiteteachers.Employingcriticalracetheory(CRT),criticalwhitenessstudies(CWS),andcriticalemotionalstudies(CES)topositionournarrativesandanalyses,wedetailtheemotionalrollercoasterweallundergowhenteachingforracialjustice.Indoing so,webegin a journal that therapeuticallyunderstandsour racializedemotionsforthehopeofracialharmony.

Keywords:Whiteness,Race,Teaching,Curriculum,Pedagogy,Antiracism.

Introduction

Teachingaboutraceisunderstandablydaunting,taxing,andemotionallydrain-ing(Williams&Evans-Winter,2005)especiallywithintheUnitedStates(U.S.)contextwhere86%ofteachersarewhiteandthemajorityofU.S.K-12students

Cheryl E. Matias, Allison Henry, & Craig Darland

Taboo, Spring 201�

Cheryl E. Matias is Assistant Professor of Urban Community Teacher Education and Alison Henry and Craig Darland are graduate students, all in the School of Education & Human Development at the University of Colorado Denver. Contact email: [email protected]

The Twin Tales of Whiteness�

areofColor (NCES,2012).TheU.S.,additionally,proclaims itselfas the landofthefreeandthehomeofthebravedespitethefactthatracerelationshavenotimproved.Yet,racescholarsandeducatorsworldwidepersistbecause“overturningwhitedominationintheworldisanenormous,seeminglyinsurmountabletask,”yetchoseninorderto“lovehumanity”(Matias&Allen,2013,p.298).Thatis,inordertoco-createamorehumane,raciallyjustsocietyintheU.S.andbeyond,raceeducatorsandscholarsremainsteadfastintheirpedagogiesandcurricula,hopingthatthe“burden”ofteachingteachers(Williams&Evans-Winter,2005)isasmallpricetopayforthehopeofabettersociety.Yamamoto(2000)describesthisprocessasanecessarycommitmenttoracialjustice;others,likeFreire(1993),suggestitisahumanizinglove,onethatindeedincurspainandviolence.Regardlesstohowthemovementiscoined,inordertotransformtheeducationalsystemasasociallyjustvehicleforracialchange,teachersthemselvesmustseehowracemattersineverydaycurriculumandpedagogy(Zamudio,Russell,Rios,&Bridgeman,2011).Aseducators,ifwecontinuetoremainsilentontheissuesofrace,weperpetuatethepervasivenessofcolorblindracism(Bonilla-Silva,2010),andthegreaterdangerofproclaimingfalsecomfortintheuncomfortablestateofrace. Thisarticleexamineswhathappenswhenoneeducatorrefusestoremainsi-lentaboutrace—moreoverwhiteness—inagraduatecourseconsistingmostlyofU.S.teachers,manyofwhomarewhite.Essentiallythispaperseekstoanswerthequestions:What are the emotional dynamics white students undergo when learning about whiteness from a female Professor of Color and vice versa?And,positto what extent does understanding these emotional processes produce favorable conditions for antiracist teaching?Althoughthelattersuggestsacausallink,itdoesnotseektoprovethatlinkinthisparticularpaper.Thequestion,rather,seekstohighlighthowchangeddispositionmaygiverisetothepotentialforantiracistteachinglateron.Toanswersuchinquirieswe,theauthors,mustfirstarticulatethetheoriesandmethodsfromwhichwedrawouranalyses.Particularly,wefocusoncriticalracetheory(CRT),criticalwhitenessstudies(CWS),andcriticalemotionalstudies(CES)topositionournarrativesandanalyses.Second,wedescribeemotionaleventsthatoccurredinthegraduatecoursefromthreedifferentperspectivesusinganarrativestyleandincludeanalysesfromthesemultipleperspectivestoseetheinterdynam-icsofraceandgender.Finally,weofferimplicationstothefieldofraceeducation,andeducationingeneral.Wehopethatbysharingouremotionaljourneyswecancreateabetterportraitureoftheinterdynamicsoflearningaboutwhitenesswhileoperatingunderit. Beforeillustratingtheinneremotionaldynamicsofteachingrace,weposi-tionouridentitiesforthepurposeofacknowledgingourraciallocationsandtheirinherentperspectives.CherylMatiasistheprofessorofthegraduatecriticalissuesinAmericaneducationcourseinquestion,offeredasanelectiveformanygraduateprograms.Identifyingasabrown-skinnedPinay,herresearchspecificallyinvesti-gatestheemotionalityofwhitenessinteachers,particularlybecausethemajority

Cheryl E. Matias, Allison Henry, & Craig Darland �

ofAmericanteachersarewhiteandoftenteachincommunitiespredominantwithstudentsofcolor(NCES,2012).AllisonHenrytookthecourseasawhitefemalegraduatestudenttofulfillherfinalrequirementforhermaster’sdegreeineduca-tion.Sheworksasaliteracycoachinapublicschoolpopulatedwithpredominantlymiddleclass,whitestudents,andisnowpursuingprincipalship.CraigDarlandisawhitemaleandalsotookthecourseasagraduatestudenttofulfillhisrequirementforhismaster’s.Asamiddleschoolteacherinthelargesturbancityofthestatefornearlyfourteenyears,hehashadmanyexperienceswithhisstudentsofcolor.Bothgraduatestudentstookthecourseexpectingtolearn“race-neutral”issuesinAmericaneducation,andwereinitially“scared”(Allison)and“shocked”(Craig)tolearnthatthecoursehadanexplicitfocusonrace.Wecametothispaperbecausethetwostudentsoftenfoundthemselvesspendingextratimediscussingtheirfeel-ingsandthoughtsaboutlearningthecoursematerialwiththeprofessoroutsideofclass.Thishappenedsooftenthatwecollaborativelydecidedtowriteaboutourjourneysinthecourse.Ultimately,ourmotivationforwritingthearticlewasaboutsharingthejourneysweexperiencedwhenteachingandlearningacurriculumandpedagogythatdeconstructswhiteness.Althoughtherewerethreestudentsofcolorinthecoursewhoclaimthecourseempoweredthem—lateroneofthestudentsofcolorwrotealongunsolicitedemailtothedeanabouthowthecourseempoweredheridentityastheonlyBlackPuertoRicaninherschoolingprocess—thefocusofthisarticlewillbeonhowthosewhoareraciallyidentifiedasWhitesengagewithcurriculumandpedagogythatdeconstructwhiteness.

Theoretical Framework

Thisarticleassumesthreethings:(1)race,withspecificattentiontowhiteness,is always operating; (2) experiential knowledge with race is predicated on one’sracialidentityandthushowoneexperiencestheworld1;and(3)educationisakeyvehicletotransformtheideologiesneededtosupportsocialchange.Acknowledgingtheseassumptions,wedrawfromCRTandCWStoframeouranalysesbecauseboththeoriesarefoundedontheacknowledgementoftheendemicnatureofrace(Del-gado&Stefancic,2001;Leonardo,2009).Withrespecttoidentifyingtheemotionaljourneyoflearningaboutwhiteness,however,wedrawfromCEStoexcavatehowouremotionsarenotinnatefeelingsdevelopedinavacuum;rather,theyareexpres-sionsproducedinrelationtothesocialpositionsweoccupy.Assuch,feelingsarenotisolatedsentimentsexemptfromthehappeningsoftheworldaroundus. First,CRT,thoughbirthedfromcriticallegalstudies(Bell,1992),hasbeenincreasingly applied to education (Taylor, Gillborn, & Ladson-Billings, 2009)becauseofitsparallelstoinstitutionalracism.AlthoughCRTexaminesthedynam-icsofraceandracism(howitisexpressed,felt,understood,etc.),thedynamicsofwhitenessisbetterexplainedthroughCWS.Thatisnottosaythatonetheoryispreferredovertheother;rather,weemployboththeoriessothattheanalyses

The Twin Tales of Whiteness10

accountforhowthesedynamicsareunderstood,whilealsodeconstructinghowwhitenessenacts,oppresses,anddefies(seeLeonardo,2013).Race,inthissense,istwosidesofthesamecoin:onesiderepresentstheexperiencesofPeopleofColor,theotherrepresentstheexperiencesofWhites.AlthoughweunderstandthattheexperiencesofWhitesandPeopleofColorareneverhomogenizedwedolookathowexperiencesaregenerallyfeltunderalargersystemofrace.Thatis,PeopleofColorwillexperienceracedifferentlybutalldosobecauseofwhitesupremacy.TosolelyfocusononesidedoesnotallowforanuancedillustrationoftheemotionalinterdynamicsthatoccurbetweenwhitestudentsandtheirProfessorofColorwhilelearningaboutwhiteness.Thus,weemployboth. Withrespecttoraceandeducation,Lewis&Manno(2011)arguethatrace—morespecificallywhitesupremacy—hasembeddeditselfinthesystemicprocessesofschoolingbecause“schoolsdonotmerelyproduceracialsubjects;theyproduceracialdisparitiesinlifeoutcomes”(p.109).Leonardo(2009)arguesthatwhitenesshasbecomesoinvisiblethatitsstrategiesbecomeseemingly“innocentorharmless”(p.79).Yetwhitenessineducationnonetheless“perpetuate[s]whiteracialsupremacythroughcolor-blindness,historicaljustifications,andsleightsofmind”(p.79).Inordertoassuagepastracializationprocessesofschools,educatorsbandedtogethertooffermulticulturaleducation(Banks&Banks,2009;Nieto&Bode,2008,Sleeter&Grant,1988),culturallyresponsiveteaching(Gay,2010),andculturallyrelevantcurricula (Ladson-Billings,1995).Teachereducationprogramsarechallenged toincorporatethesecurricularandpedagogicalapproaches(Villegas&Lucas,2002).Yet,initsincorporationofsuchtechniques,teachereducationhaphazardlyoverlookeditsownmanifestationsofwhitenessandhowtheymayimpacttheoriginalraciallyjustintentofsuchtechniques(Matias,2013b).Withoutanhonestexaminationofwhiteness,suchsociallyjuststrategiesleavewhitenessintact(Allen,2004). Second, the study of race is emotional.The oft-cited trope of research ontheemotionalityofraceishowWhitesresist(Rodriguez,2009),acthysterically(Gonsalves,2008),cry(Frankenberg,1993),and/orgetangry,allofwhichareex-plicatedwithinthetransdisciplinarynatureofCWS.Equallyimportant,however,ishowtheemotionalityofraceisexpressedandfeltwithinpeopleofcolor.Forinstance,facultyandgraduatestudentsofcolorexperienceracialbattlefatigueintheacademybyvirtueofracialstereotypes,presumptions,andwhitenessexerted(Fasching-Varner,Albert,Mitchell,&Allen,2015;Stanley,2006).Suchfatigueissaddening,maddening,andexhausting.WithrespecttoCRT’sandCWS’sin-tersectionalapproaches,thispainisrearticulatedintheintersectionofraceandgenderclaimingthat,becausetheacademyisreplete“withitsmasculinebent,thereisnoeasywaytoarticulateordealwiththeemotional,psychic,orthespiritual”(GutierrezyMuhs,Niemann,Gonzalez,&Harris,2012,p.7). Emotions,andthecriticalstudyofemotions,alsoplayavitalroleindeconstruct-ingwhiteness. Ingeneral, emotions“impact teachingand learning significantly”(Winans,2012,p.150),especiallywhentopicsproduceuncomfortableemotionalities.

Cheryl E. Matias, Allison Henry, & Craig Darland 11

Byemotionallydistancingthemselves,studentsinadvertently“reinforceratherthanquestioninequitablesocialnorms”(Winans,2012,p.152).Winans(2012)demandsthateducationincludecriticalemotionalliteracysothatitbecomesasocialpracticethatprovidesameansofanalysisor“anongoingcriticalinquiryregardingemotions,aninquirythatallowsustoattendeffectivelytodifferenceandidentity”(p.152).Forthepurposesofthisarticle,applicationsofcriticalemotionalliteracyallowforcriticalanalysesofemotionssothatwecaninvestigatefromwheretheseemotionsstem. Insteadofassuming thatemotionsemanate fromone’s innatesensibilities,Ahmed(2004)positsthatemotionality“isclearlydependentonrelationsofpower,whichendow‘others’withmeaningandvalue”(p.4).Boler(1999)corroboratesthisclaimingthat“feelingpowerreferstothewaysinwhichouremotions,whichreflectourcomplexidentitiessituatedwithsocialhierarchies,‘embody’and‘actout’ relationsofpower” (p.3).Henceforth, emotionsarenot isolated from thecontextandthepowerstructuresembeddedinthosecontexts.Rather,emotionsbecomeaprocessofsocialinteraction,onewhichisboundbytherulesofpower.Race,forexample,isonestructurewhereinwhitesarepositionedas“normal”and“superior,”whilePeopleofColor are categorizedas “different” and“inferior.”Inorderfor thestructureofracetomanifestsystemically, theprocessofwhitesupremacyensuesviaenactmentsofwhiteness.Allen(2001)suggests“Whites,whetherknowinglyornot,actasagentsofwhitenessinthesurveillanceofwhiteterritories,thusconstructingpsychosocialspacesoftraumaandalienation,suchasschools,forpeopleofcolor”(p.480).Itiswithinthesedomainsthatemotionsaresituatedandcannotescapethesubtletiesofwhitesupremacy. Consider theoft-invokedemotionsofguilt,anger,anddenialwhenengag-ingacriticalracedialoguewithwhitestudents.Suchemotionalexpressionsareoftencategorizedaswhite resistance,routinelyand“performativelystagedintheclassroom”(Ringrose,2007,p.328).Leftunexamined, theseemotionsbecomerecentered“inwaysthatservetoreinscribewhitenessasthenormativecentrefordiscussionwhilecontinuingtomarginalizeothersocialgroups(Solomona,Portelli,Daniels,&Campbell,2005,p.166).Thisreflectivepedagogicalanalysisreconsid-ersthecomplexitiesofemotions,particularlytheemotionalitiesofwhiteness,sothatasantiracistwhiteeducatorscandeconstructtheiremotionsandthusengageinprolongedprojectsofracialjustice. Using a trifectaofCRT,CWS, andCESprovides amorenuanced inter-pretationoftheeffectivenessofteachingandlearningaboutwhitenessandtheemotionaldynamicsindoingso.Forwhenthesetheoriesareusedtogether,wearebetterabletosituatethenarrativeswhileprovidinganinterpretiveanalysisofhowtheemotionsthatstemfromlearningwhiteness—whileoperatingunderitsinfluence—manifestthemselves.


Methodology

In order to answer the posed questions above we employ a methodologicalstrategythatbestcapturesthelearningandteachingjourneyofboththestudentsandprofessorspecificallywithregardtothecurriculumandpedagogy.Thoughthismethodisbyallmeansnottheonlymethodonecanusetodocumentajourney,itisthepreferredmethodbecauseourmeansofunderstandingourfeelingsinresponsetoteachingandlearningaboutwhitenesswaswroughtwithinfinitesensations,uncertainpaths,andinsecuritiesastowhywefeltthewaywefelt.Thus,wealignourselveswiththetraditionofteacher reflectionbecause“teachersbegintoreflectauthenticallyonpastexperiencesbeyondthewallsoftheclassroomtoaddresstheidiosyncrasiesthatprevailinclassrooms”(Milner,2003,p.195).Sinceweareeducators,weopttouseracereflectionto“locateexperiencesthatcanguide[our]thinkingandteaching”(Milner,2007,p.586).Specifically,welocatedouremotionalexperiencesofteach-ingandlearningwhitenessbaseduponthecurriculumandpedagogiesemployedinthecourse.Truetothemethodofteacherreflections,includedasnarrativeshere,wewrotethesenarrativesafterthecoursewascompletedtobestcaptureouremotionaljourneythroughouttheentirecourse.Thus,thepedagogyforthecoursedidnotin-cludepersonalemotionalreflectionsinsteadwere-readsomeofourcourseassignedessaysandonlinepostingstoidentifyourfeelings. Revisitingourexperiencesunearthsourinitialemotionaljourneyofteachingandlearningaboutwhiteness,especiallyinU.S.graduateeducationcourseswherethemajorityofstudents(pre-serviceorin-serviceteachers)iswhiteandtheprofessormaynot.Althoughtherearesometeacherreflectionsthatmayreflectinconsisten-cies(Mansour,2013),weoptedtorevieweachother’sessaysthatwereassignedinthecourseandourcourseonlinepostingswhiledoingadditionalindependentresearchonwhiteness.Weacknowledgethatuponeachre-readofourcourseessaysandpostingstherewerearangeofemotionsexperienced;toconcentratefullyontheemotionalitiesthatwerepresentduringthecourseitself,however,weopttoconstructnarrativesasareflectivemethodofcapturingourjourneys.Thus,eachre-readoftheessaysandonlinepostingfromthecoursecoupledwithnewresourcesinwhitenessliteraturehelpedusconstructournarrativesafterthecourseended.Indoingsowebetterunderstandtheemotionaldynamicbetweenteachingwhitenessandlearningitandhowwewereemotionallyrespondingtoit.

Background

Thecourseisanelectivegraduatecourseofferedeveryfallandspringsemester,enrolledmainlybyU.S.K-12teachers.Itisdesignedto“provideanexaminationofthesocialvaluesandphilosophicalfoundationsincontemporaryU.S.Ameri-cansocietywhichshapeorinfluencetheaims,methods,content,problems,andcontroversiesfacingtheAmericaneducationalenterprise”(CourseSyllabus).Theintentofthecourseisto“preparecriticaleducatorswithacritiqueofthehegemonic


philosophiesandsocialvaluesthatpervadebothsocietyandU.S.Americanurbaneducationwhiledevelopingacriticalactiviststanceagainsttheseoppressivemecha-nisms”(CourseSyllabus).SincethefocusofthecoursewasaboutU.S.Americanurbaneducation,itisbefittingtofocusourliteratureandtheoreticalframeworkintheU.S.context.Thetwostudentswhosenarrativesareincludedinthisarticleareco-authorsofthispaperandcompletedthecourseindifferentsemesters,spring2014andfall2014respectively,withHenryactingasateacher’sassistantinthelatter.Seventeengraduatestudentswereenrolledinthefall2014coursewithamajorityofthestudentsfromtheSchoolofEducation,threestudentswereofcolor,andtherestwereraciallyidentifiedaswhite.

Narratives

Cheryl Matias’ Narrative

Itookwithmeonthefirstdayofclassalltheracialmicroaggressions(Sue,Capodilupo,Torino,Bucceri,Holder,Nadal,&Esquilin,2007)Ihadtoendureasayoung-looking,femalefacultymemberofcolor,teachinggraduatecoursesthatarepredominatedbywhiteteachers.Eachsemestermystudentssecond-guessedmyintellectualabilitiesoraccusedmeofbeingbiasedagainstthembecausetheywerewhiteandIwasnot.TheywouldsendmeemailsinstructingmetoprintouttheirassignmentsorthreatentogotothedeanifIdidnotheedtotheiruncomfort-ableemotionalconditionwhentalkingaboutrace,asifIwasacustomerservicerepresentative.Inordertoassertmystatus,Ihadmystudentscallme“Dr.”insteadofbyfirstnameasIusuallydidinthepastwhenteachinginastatepreviousthatthathadamajorityofstudentsofcolor.Ifrontloadedmycredentials,somethingIknewmywhitemalecolleaguesdidnothavetodo. Additionally, Ihad to includeadisclaimeronmysyllabus that“warned”mystudentsthattheywouldlearnabout“tough”stuffandwouldneedtoengagewiththeargumentinsteadofrefuteitmerelybecausethey“feltbad.”Iaddedthattheywouldbegradedonhowtheydemonstratedtheiremotionalinvestmentinthecourseandtheirlearning.Iincludedabulletedlistofwhatanemotionalinvestmentmaylooklike.Someexampleswereseekingfurtherknowledgeofthesubjectoutsideofclasswith theprofessor,writingblogs,organizingfieldtripstomuseumexhibitsonrace(e.g.,Colorado’sHistoryMuseumexhibitonRace:AreWeThatDifferent?),orinvolvementinstudentgroupsorcommunityorganizations that also promote racial justice.Additionally, I lectured on thefirstdayofclasswhatemotionsmightbefeltwhendiscussingwhitenesssuchasfear,guilt,angerand/ordismissal.Onewaytodothisisbyaskingmywhitestudentswhytheydonotwanttotalkto“UncleJoe”(afictitiouswhiteunclewhoisveryadamantthatracedoesnotexist)aboutracismattheThanksgivingDinnertable.DespitethefacttherearesomewhomaywanttochallengeUncleJoeinanargumentoverwhiteprivilege,Iopttolistontheboardthereasons


whymystudentsmightnotwanttotalktosomeoftheirwhitefamilymembersaboutwhiteprivilege.Somesay“UncleJoe”will:

ubeangry, udenyeverything, uaskthemtoprovewhiteprivilegewithdetailedevidence, udeemeverythingtheysayasirrelevant,fromonlyoneperspective,orof thepassedandnotpresent, ubecomedefensive, ushout, uresist, utakethingspersonallyinsteadoffocusonlargersystemicissues, ureactinsteadoflearn,etc.

ThenIletmystudentsknowthatwhentheyreadarticleswrittenmostlybyScholarsofColorthatfocusonwhitenesstheytoomayreactlikeUncleJoe,andthat,inandofitself,istheenactmentofwhiteemotionalitiesthatwewillbedeconstructingforthiscourse.Specifically,thestudentsknowwewillbeinterrogatingthefol-lowing:Wheretheseemotionscomefrom?Whyaretheseemotionsthere?Whydosomanypeoplehavethesesameemotionalreactionstowhiteness?Bydoingso,mystudentsareawarethatIknowoftheseemotionaldisplaysandhow,upontheirsurfacing,theycanseverelylimittheirwillingnesstolearn.Byfrontloadingemotionsstudentscanbegintoidentifythemandprocesshowemotionsareanimportantfactorinhowwechoosetolearnornotlearnaboutrace.Hence,doingthisactivity,createsacriticalspacethatacknowledgeswhiteemotionalitiesinsteadofrenderingthemasinvisibleashegemonicwhitenessitself. Further,insteadofsidesteppingharddiscussionsbyfocusingtheracializededucationaldisparitiesbetweenPeopleofColortowhites(whichisonlyasymp-tom),Ioptedtofocusonthediseaseitself:whitenessandwhitesupremacy.Doingthis,IknowmymainlywhitestudentswillfinddiscomfortbecausealthoughtheyareawarethatAfricanAmericanandLatinostudentshavelowergraduationratesthanwhitesorAsianAmericanstheyoftenstilldescribethisdisparityusingdeficitapproachessuchas“theydon’tspeakEnglish,”“theirparentsdon’tcare,”“theirculturedoesnotvalueeducation,”etc.Therefore,theonusoffailureisplacedonthestudentsandtheirfamilies,neverupontheteacher,theprocessesofschooling,ortheeducationalsystemwritlarge.Theytypicallyhavenotexploredadeeperexaminationofthelargersystemicreasons. Tobetter illustrate thismentality, Idrewfromaclassdiscussionabout thepresenceofmetaldetectorsincertainhighschools.Onestudentclaimedthathisurbanschool,filledwithBlackandBrownstudents,doeshavemetaldetectors.WhenIaskediftheschoolhadahistoryofgunviolence,hesaidhewasunsure,thenquicklyaddedthatit“hadtobecauseAfricanAmericansandLatinoshaveapropensityforcrime.”HebackedhisclaimbypointingoutthatAfricanAmericanandLatinomalesmainlypopulatetheprisonsystem.Ontheonehand,thestudent


couldclearlyseetheracialdisparitiesintheprisonsystem;yet,whathecouldnotarticulatethemorenuancedunderstandingofhowAfricanAmericanandLatinomalesarestrategicallytargetedandraciallyprofiledascriminals.Otherstudentschimedintothisend,explainingthatBlacksaremorelikelytogetpulledoverand thatmostviolentmassschoolshootingsareperpetratedbywhitemales inpredominantly-whiteschools.Uponhearingthisracial reality, thestudentgrewincreasinglyfrustratedandseeminglyobstinateinhisposition.Heretheemotional-ityofwhitenesscameintoplaymoreclearly:noamountofstatisticalproofcouldincreasethisstudent’sunderstandingofrace,unlesswedoverightintotheproblemitself: thatofwhiteness.Hence,thecurriculumIusedwasstrategicinlearningabouttheoverarchingdiseaseofwhitenessandwhitesupremacy,thusprovidingadeeperrationalebehindthealreadyunderstood(ormisunderstood)statistics.Thatis,Ihadtocreateacurriculumaboutracethatcenteredonhowwhitenessandwhitesupremacy“colors”statistics. AsaformerK-12LosAngelesschoolteacherandhavingbeenraisedinpublicschoolstheretoo,themajorityofmyteachersandcolleagueswerePeopleofColor,manywhogrewupinthesamecommunitiesinwhichtheynowteach.Inthiscoursethiswasnotthecase.Manyofmystudentsinmygraduatecoursesatthisinstitutionwerewhiteteacherswhotaughtincommunitiesofcolorthatweregreatlydifferentfromtheirownhomecommunities.IhadtochangemypedagogytofindapedagogythatteeteredbetweendisruptingwhitenessandensuringIwasnotvictimizedbyit.So,Iusedlaughter,socialmedia,and/orpopularculturetodisruptwhiteness.Atthesametime,becauseWomenofColorareoftenpresumedincompetent(GutierrezyMuhs,etal.,2012),Ihadtobesteadfastinmydominance,whichcounteredtheliteratureoncriticalpedagogy(Freire,1993;Giroux,1988).Essentially,Ihadtorealizethatwhitenesswasoperatingregardlessofmyprofessorialstanding(Au-thor1,2013a),andtheonlywaytodebunkitwastoexposeitsviolentnature(seeLeonardo&Porter,2010)whichIknewstudentswouldfindintimidating.Infact,Iknewitwouldbemoreintimidatingformywhitefemaleteachersthanmywhitemaleteacherssincewomenofcolor(specifically,AsianAmericanfemales)areoftenreducedtosexualfantasiesofdominanceduetoheterosexualwhitesupremacistpatriarchy(Espiritu,2001).So,Imadehardpedagogicaldecisionsbycallingoutwhitenessideology,andattimesforciblyhadtherestoftheclasstakeonusofthewhitenessideology. Irecallaclassdiscussioninwhichastudent(aformerteacher)arguedwhy“they”(StudentsofColor)arefailing.HearguedthatStudentsofColorlackedmotivation.Afternoonespokeup(whichisacommonpracticeinwhitecomplic-ity),Iquestionedtheclassbyasking,“Soyouallthinklikethis,right,”challengingthemtostepupandtakeonus. Despitehowraciallymicroaggressivemystudents’behaviorswere,IhadtorememberthatIwasresponsiblefortheirlearning,impactinghowtheywillteachthenextgenerationsofStudentsofColor.Therewasa timewhen Iengageda


counterstoryinthediscussiontoillustratealargerdynamicofracialprejudice.Suchapractice,accordingtoCRT,ismethodologicallysoundbecauseitcountersmajoritarianstoriesthatareoftenleftunchecked(Solorzano&Yosso,2001).Inresponse,onestudentclaimedIneededtostoppersonalizingthematterandbemoreobjective,assumingthathisstatements,claims,andinquiriesabouthisexperiencesinteachingurbanstudentsofcolorweremoreobjective.Althoughthiswasclearlyanexertionofthepowerinwhiteness,whichassumesitslegitimacyandobjectivity,Ihadtorethinkthissituationasateachablemomentforbothstudentandprofes-sor.Asastudent,hehadtolearnhowhewasexertinghiswhiteness,whileIhadtorelearnhowtoapproachthisracialmicroaggressionpedagogically.Allison Henry’s Narrative

Isignedupforthecourseassumingwewouldexaminecontemporaryissuesplaguingeducationlikepoverty,funding,andequity.Asawhiteeducator,examiningthepre-coursesurveyquestions,Iwassurprisedandabitthreatened:eachquestionseeminglyheldahiddenagenda,oneIassumedwoulddeterminejusthowracistapersonImightbe:

Question:Inyouropinion,whydourbanschoolsstruggle?Question:Aretheredifferencesbetweenurbanstudentsandsuburbanstudents?Question:Whatdoesanurbanclassroomlooklike?

IwasafraidtoanswerthequestionshonestlybecauseIwaspetrifiedknowingmywordswouldbeexaminedandwasconcernedwithwhattheymightuncoveraboutmyself.Toprotectmyprivilege,Iremainedvagueandfilledwithasenseofobliviousness:“Ithinkthemaindifferencebetweenurbanandsuburbanstudentsistheiraccesstoexperiences.”Whenaskedwhatanurbanclassroomlookslike,IcouldonlyguessbecauseIhaveonlytaughtinpredominantlywhite,suburbanschools:

Iwouldimaginetheroomsarefilledwithstudentswhoexcel,whostruggle,whocouldcareless,whocouldn’tcareless,whoareactiveintheschool,whorarelyattendschool...Iwouldalsoimaginetheremaybeagreatervarietyofaccesstofundsamongstudents.

RepeatedlyIavoidedusinganyverbiagethathadtodowithraceorethnicity.Whitewashingthenotionofpoverty,Iusedtermssuchas“accesstofunds”and“access toexperiences.” IknewIwas trying tomakemyperceptionsofurbanschoolsseemjustlike“otherschools,”butIwastooafraidtoadmitthatIwasreallycomparingurbanschoolsandstudentstomyviewofwhatisnormal−inaword,whiteness(Allen,2004).IenteredDr.Matias’classroomforthefirst timewithmycompletedsurveyandchosetositatthesideoftheclassroom,hopingtogounnoticed,fearingmywhitebodywouldbetrayme.FromthemomentDr.Matiaswalkedin,Iwasoverwhelmedbyher.Herenergy,humor,andintelligencefilledthe

Cheryl E. Matias, Allison Henry, & Craig Darland 1�

room.Irememberbeingovercomewithintimidation.ShespokeopenlyontopicsthatIdeemedtaboo,topicsofsocialjustice,race,andprivilege.ShespokeinamannerIhadneverheardfromaprofessorbefore,usingSpanishwords,Filipinowords,Blackdiction,andprofanity.ShealsousedtermsIhadn’tallowedintomyvocabularysuchas“socialcapital,”“criticalracetheory,”“privilege,”andthemosttroublesomeofall,“whiteness.” Itwouldn’tbeuntilmidwaythroughthesemesterIwouldrealizeDr.Matias’pedagogyhadbeendeliberatelychosennotonlyasameanstoprotectherself,butmoreimportantlytopushthethoughtsofherstudentsenvelopedinwhiteness.Be-ingamiddle-classwhitewomanIwasaccustomedtomanythings—excessfundstotreatmyselftodinners,coffees,vacations,etc.—however,Iwasnotaccustomedtohavingtheseprivilegesandmywhitenessexamined,especiallybyapersonofcolor(Allen,2004).AsIprogressedthroughDr.Matias’class, thecontentanddiscussionswehadregularlyconfrontedmewiththeimpactofmyprivilegeandmywhiteness.Initiallythisprocessmademeitchy,especiallyasitwasledbyawomanofcolor,onewho,unlikeme,wasclearlywell-versedandthoroughlyexperiencedinracialdynamics.Anemotionalresponsedevelopedwithinme.Ibecamebitterandscared;Ididn’tlikethetasteofmyexposedprivilege.Forthefirstfewweeksofclass,Iwasafraidtospeak,afraidtooffend.Iwhitewashedmyverbiageandreliedonmycolorblindnesstomaintainasenseofpoliticalcorrectness. Inthecomingmonths,Dr.MatiasinsistedIidentifywithmyracialpositional-ity—afterall,Ididn’tchoosetheskinIwasbornintobutIameternallyimpactedbyit,andIbegantoseetheneedtoexposemywhiteness(Matias,2013c).Therefore,Ibegantospeakfromtheviewofamiddle-class,white,singlemotherscholar2andIwasabletoidentifyhowIwasaffordedprivilegesotherswerenot.However,afterDr.MatiashadtheclassreadGiroux(1988)andAllen(2004)Itrulystartedtoseethingsdifferently:

Giroux’s (1988) discussion of hidden curriculum awakened me to a world ofsleepinggiants:ideasofsupremacyandpowerwererunningrampantinthedailyactionsandwordsoftheeducatorsIknowandrespect.EverywhereIturnedandeveryconversationIhadbegantooozeundertonesof[oppression],illuminatingmyownpersonalblindspottomywhiteness,tomyprivilege,tomycontributionofhegemonicstructuresandideas(Allen,2004).

Forme,thiswasaturningpoint.Ifeltdeterminedtoexposethisworldtoanyoneelsewhohadlivedacolorblindlifeofprivilege.Icommittedmyselftospreadingthewordofmynewtruthinmyclassreflections.

Beingbornintoprivilegeandbeingbornwhitehasnecessarilyplacedmeinapositionofpowerandprestige.IacknowledgetheperpetualbenefitallWhiteshave gained from this position. I also acknowledge that in order to stop this,…thesystemthatcreateditmustbedestroyed(Allen,2004).Asaresult,Ihavewagedaconsciouswaragainsttheimpactthesehiddenstructuresandideashaveonmeandmysurroundings...Iamcommittingtoconfrontingideas,traditions

The Twin Tales of Whiteness1�

andstructuresthatexudeoppressionIamcommittingtolisteningtothe“sparkofknowledge”onlytheoppressedcanteachme.IamowningthefactthatIambynatureanoppressor.However,Irefusetoremainidleandcontentinmyprivilege(classreflectionpaper).

Theproblemwithwhiteness,IlearnedthroughtherequiredreadingsbroughtforthbyDr.Matias,istheseductivepoweritexertsontheprivileged.Thecomfortandluxuryofmywhitenesswasalure,baitedanddanglinginfrontofme,andIfoundmanyopportunitiestoreverttoacolorblind,pseudo-post-racialversionofmyself(Allen,2004).MorethanonceduringthesemesterIslippedoutofmypositiveandforward-movingstageofdisintegrationandlandedintheangryandfinger-pointingpositionofreintegration(Tatum,2003)andbecameworriedabouteveryword,action,andthought. Dr.Matiascouldseethisthinkinginherstudents’writingsanddiscussions.Itwasatthatpointtheshehadusreadanarticleentitled“Onthe‘Flip’Side:ATeacherEducatorofColorUnveilingtheDangerousMindsofWhiteTeacherCan-didates”thatillustratedthetolltakenonpeopleofcolorwhochoosetoeducatewhitestudentsaboutwhiteness.Upuntilthatpoint,theimpactofmyexistenceasawhitewomanonaneducatorofcolorhadn’tevencrossedmymindbecause,asTatum(2003)suggests,Ihadneverreallyexaminedmywhitenessandthereforefelttheideaofracewasn’taboutme.Readingthatpiece,verystrongemotionsemanatedfromme:

Ifeltguiltforherpain.Ifeltguiltforherfear...Ifeltguiltforthisfuckedup,strati-fiedsocietyinwhichweexistbecausesomehowmyskincolor,myupbringing,myfinancialstandingaffordsmeasenseofsuperioritythatIhadn’tevenbeguntoacknowledge…(myclassreflection).

Icouldn’tstomachthenotionthatasawhitepersonIhadunknowinglycommittedactsofwhitenessthatwereabusivetopeopleofcolor.IstartedwritingabouthowangryanddefensiveIfelt.Inthatmoment,Ibecameaware.Icametounderstandtheactofhumanizationandrealizedthisjourneyhadtobeaboutme;thatracewasaboutme.Ididthisinoneofmyclassreflections

IhavetoacknowledgewhatitisexactlyIhavespentmyentirelifedenying.IhavetoacknowledgethestructuresthatproducedthefauxfeelingofcolorblindnessthatIusetoprotectmyselfandwagewaronothers(Allen,2014).Iwanttobeheldaccountable,butmoreimportantlyIwanttonevercontributetosomeone’ssenseofpainagain.Iameagertolearn,toknowbetter,andtodobetter...Iwantmywhitenesstobeexaminedandmyprivilegetobeexposed(Tatum,2003).

Dr.Matiasspentsixteenweekslayingoutacurriculumthatwoulddeliberately,consistently,andcriticallyconfrontmywhiteness.Shedevelopedopportunitiesformetosafelyexaminemyprivilegeandtheimpactithasonothersandmyself.Bytheendofthesemester,Ifinallyfelt“comfortableinmyuncomfortableness”andwaswillingtostophiding“behindafaçadeofinnocenceornormalize[d]speech”


(Matias,2013a).Ihadfinallybecomeabletoopenlyaddressissuesofracewithmypeers,colleagues,lovedones,andevenmysuperiors.ThroughmynewsenseofoptimismIhavebeenabletodevelopandpursuetheopportunitytowriteasemes-ter-longcourseformypredominantlymiddletoupper-class,white,middleschoolstudentsontheissuesofwhitenessandprivilege.Inclassweregularlydeconstructissuesofraceaswellastheemotionsthatcomeupwhileexaminingtheseissues.Whilemypersonallearningjourneyresultedinanawakeningofhopefulnessandoptimism,itstartedwithintimidation,fear,anddefensiveness.However,myheight-enedunderstanding,passionfor,andcommitmenttoanti-racistpedagogybothinsideandoutsideoftheclassroomwouldn’thavebeenpossiblewithoutdeconstructingmyinitialemotionalitiesofwhiteness.Intheend,itseemedthatallmylifeIwashummingasongaboutrace,howeverinmyblissfullyignorantstateofwantingtonotbearacist,Irefusedtoknowthelyricsofthesong.Deconstructingmyemo-tionalitiesofwhitenessIfinallylearnedthelyricstothatsong.Meaning,Ihavedevelopedfromsimplybeing“notaracist”tobeingactivelyanti-racistandthusIfindmyselfwithmoreemotionalfortitudetoengageinlongerprojectsofracialjusticesuchasthesocialjusticecourseIamnowteachinginmymiddleschoolandthesocialjusticestudentorganizationthatIfacilitateformycampus.Craig Darland’s Narrative

Havingbeenaneducatorinanurbanenvironmentforthepastfourteenyears,IassumedDr.Matias’coursewouldfocusontopicslikepoverty,familyenviron-ment,statefunding,changesineducationallaw,andpossiblyteacherevaluationsystems,allofwhichIbelievedIhadagreatdealofknowledgeabout. WalkingintoDr.Matias’classroomforthefirsttimewasnotintimidatingtomeatall.Althoughbeingawhitemalemakesmeaminorityamongstudentsinthesecourses,I’veneverfeltthistobeadisadvantage.NeverinmylifehadIbeenmadetofeellikeIwasaminorityinpower.IsoonlearnedthataminorityinnumbersdoesnotnecessarilymeanIwasaminorityinpower.Thatis,Ilearnedthatbeingoneofthefewwhitemalesinthecoursedoesnotmeanthatpatriarchyandsexismceasestoexistinsocietyandwithintheclassroom.Thiscamefromreadinganarticlecalled,“TheFlipSide”wheretheauthorindicatesthatalthoughsheistheprofessorofthecourseandhasprofessorialstandingoverstudentssheisstilloutnumberbythewhite-nessofherstudents.Atfirstglance,IwasalittletakenbackbyDr.Matias’physicalappearance.I’mnotusedtohavingmyprofessorslookthewayshedoes.SheisanAsian-lookingwomanofslenderbuild.Shehasfairandbeautifulfeatureswiththefaceofawomaninhermid-tolate-twentiesbutshehastheeyesofawomanmucholder.Inshort,Iwascomfortable,atleastatthestart.Thatfirstclassshetoldusthatwewouldbeforcedtofeelemotion.UponhearingthisIquestionedherinmymind.Who does she think she is?What makes her think she has so much power over me?Ifelt,atthetime,thatbeingforcedtofeelemotionwasanarrogantandpresumptuous


stance.Ireallydidnottakeherseriouslyupuntilnowbecausebeforemeetingheremotionswereneverapartofmylearning. Itwasapre-coursesurveythatforcedanemotionalresponsefromme.Ire-memberthatafterIfilleditoutonequestionparticularlybotheredme:

Question 11: Have you had experiences/relationships with people of color inauthority?Describe.Haveyouhadexperiences/relationshipswithpeopleofcolornotinauthority?Describe.

Irememberjudgingthequestionitself:Whatwasshetryingtodo?“Thepresident’sBlackafterall,”Isaidtomygirlfriendthatnight.IwasbothangryandannoyedthatDr.MatiaswouldevensuggestthathavingaPersonofColorinauthoritywassomethingstrangeatall.Thequestionseemedabsurdtome:“Whywouldthecolorofaprofessormatteratall?”Irespondedwithvigor,feelingstronglythatIwascorrectinmyassumptionsaboutrace:

Iwouldn’tthinkitwouldbeanydifferent,knowledgeisknowledgeanddoesn’tmatterwho’sdishing it out. I really think the race issues continuebecauseofquestionslikethisthatseemtohavesomedesiretokeepitonthetable.Getoveritalready,thepresident’sBlack.

Myanswerwasbasedonarefusaltoacceptracism,operatingunderthefalseun-derstandingthatracismwasbeatendownduringtheCivilRightsMovement.Ifeltattackedforbeingwhite;asifIwasbeingunfairlyjudgedforsomethingadistantancestormighthavedonelongbeforeme.Iwasoftheopinionthateconomicclasswastheonlyfactorkeepingpeopleofcolorfromachievingtheirdesiredplaceinwesternsociety.“Whiteprivilege”wasnotyetinmyvernacular. Asthecoursecontinued,myemotionalstateofmindstartedtounravel.Learn-ingaboutrace,racism,andwhitesupremacywasextremelydifficultformeasawhitemale.Icompletelyrejectedwhiteprivilegeforweeks!IkeptjustifyingthateverythingIhadwassolelybasedonmyowneffortandhadnothingtodowithbeingamemberofthedominantwhiterace.IgrewanxiousoverattendingDr.Matias’class.ThiscoursecausedmetofeelbadlyabouteverythingIwascomingtotermswith.IfeltpersonallyattackedbecauseIwaswhite.FormanyweeksIrejectedthematerialcompletelyanditwasnoticedbyDr.Matiasinthise-mail:

DearCraig,Stemmingfromyourcommentslastnightitappearsyouhavesomemisunderstand-ingsandpersonalreactionstothereadingsthatyouneedtoworkthrough.Wewantyoutobesuccessfulinthecourseandpersonalizethecorrectinformationfromthereadings,thusitisimportanttocorrectlyunderstandthekeyconceptsofthereadings.Inordertobettersupportyouthroughtheprocessofemotionallyinvest-inginyourlearningprocesswerequestanappointmenttogooverthereadingsandyourthoughtsandfeelingsaboutthem.Pleaseletusknowyouravailability.Personally,Iwillmaketimeforyou.Respects,Profe


Thise-mailangeredmeasIwasstillrefusingtoacknowledgewhiteprivilegeatall.Indoingso,I’dbeforcedtoacknowledgethatIhadbeenlivingunderafalseunderstandingaboutraceandracism.Iwasunderstandablydefensiveandangryasacknowledgingwhiteprivilegewouldchangemyviewofself.Myresponsetoherblatantlyshowedmyanger:

Profe, I would love meet with you sometime but just to be clear, I have nomisunderstanding as towhat the readingswere saying. I simplydon’t agreewiththeirconclusions,oryours.Ifullyunderstandallthekeyconceptsinthosereadingsandcanprovethatthroughaverbaldiscussion.Understandingwhatthey’resayingdoesn’tmeanIhavetoagreewiththem.Ihopeyoudon’texpectyourstudentstoblindlyagreewitheveryreadingyougivethem.Ihopeyouaren’thavingapersonalreactiontotheoppositionIgavetothereadingslastnight.Ilookforwardtomeetingwithyouinthenearfuturetoresolvewhateverissuesyou’rehaving.

AsthecoursewentonIbegrudginglystartedtoabsorbthereadingsandslowlyrecognizedatruthofunfairandunjustifiedwhitesupremacythatwaspainfultothinkabout.Dr.Matiasforcedmetoengageinanemotionalresponsebyrefusingtoallowmetopassivelysitinclasswithoutopenlyinteractingwithherandthereadings.IthinkthereadingthathadthelargestimpactonmewasBeverlyTatum’s(2003)bookWhy Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?:

Severalyearsago,aWhitemalestudentinmypsychologyofracismcoursewroteinhisjournalattheendofthesemesterthathehadlearnedalotaboutracismandnowunderstoodinawayheneverhadbeforejusthowadvantagedhewas.Healsocommentedthathedidn’tthinkhewoulddoanythingtotrytochangethesituation.Afterall,thesystemwasworkinginhisfavor(p.13).

Thiswasaneye-openingcommenttome.Onasmalllevel,Iagreedwiththatstudentandthatdisgustedmetomyverycore.Iwasforcedtothinkofmyselfasawhitepersonwhowascontributingtotheoppressionofpeopleofcolor.WasIthattypeofman?DidIreallycaresolittleforjustice?Itshookupmyunderstandingofself.Irememberthinking,“No,Icouldn’tbethatunethicalaperson,couldI?”Thiswasthemomentinthecoursewhenmythinkingchangedfromunawareorpossiblyambivalenttobecomingcriticallyawareofmyplaceinthisworld.ItwasthenthatIrealizedthatwhiteprivilegeexistedanditwasbecauseIwasbenefittingfromitthatIwasignoranttoitsveryexistence:“…formanyWhites,thisnewawarenessofthebenefitsofaracistsystemelicitsconsiderablepain,oftenaccompaniedbyfeelingsofangerandguilt”(Tatum,2003,p.9).Ithinkmyshamewaswhatkeptmefromacknowledgingmywhiteprivilegeforsolong,evenwhenitsundeniableexistencewassurroundingme.Itwasmyplaceinsocietyasawhitemalethatwasallowingmymindtorefusetoacknowledgewhatwassoclearlyrightinfrontofme.OpenlydiscussingandagreeingwiththeideathatIwasprivilegedwaspainfulforme.ItimpliedthatI’msuccessfulnotsolelybecauseofthemeritofmyactions


butbecauseI’vehadanunfairadvantagemyentirelife.Comingtotermswithmywhiteprivilegewasdepressing. Asawhiteperson,Iwentthroughamyriadofemotionsatthisrealization.IfeltthatIwasbeingatraitortomywhiteracebyentertainingtheidea.Justificationscametomymind.Ifeltaneedtojustifywhiteprivilegeorrationalizeitinsomeway.ToacknowledgethatIwasaracist,passiveorotherwise,wasemotionallytaxing.Dr.Matiasnoticedmychangeofmoodinclasssentmeanemailinquiring;Iresponded:

Profe,mymoodhaschangedbecauseI’vecometoacceptthetruthofthesearticlesthatwe’rereading.HonestlyI’mstillupsetsometimesbecauseIfindthesereadingsinsultingandattimes,biased.ButmyabilitytoreasonandreflecthashelpedmetocometotermswiththisnewknowledgeI’mabsorbing.Reallyit’saneyeopeningandfascinatingexperiencetoviewtheworlddifferentlyafter38yearsofseeing,thinkingIknewwhatwasgoingon.IfeellikeIshouldsay‘thanks’butI’mnotgoingtodothatbecausenowI’mdepressedandangrierthanIusedtobe.

ThereadingsandenlightenmentIunderwentthroughoutthecourseinadditiontomyinteractionswithDr.Matiasfacilitatingthatlearningstructuredanddevelopedmygrowthashumanbeing.Icreditmyselfwithahighlevelofempathythatrecognizesalonglifehistoryofinitiallyfailingtolaterunderstandthebetterpath.However,thepathcannotbeclearunlessIhaveateacherwhoisfullycommittedtomylearninginasmuchasshedemandsthatIcommittoher.OnceIbegantoseethetruthofwhiteprivilegethroughthecurriculumandthepedagogyofmyprofessor,itwasn’tmuchofastretchformetobelievethatIhadonceagainbeenwrong.AlthoughIthinkthatmanypeoplearestubbornoncetheyreachacertainage—forIwascloseto40atthetime—andsuccessinlife,itwasalsoinpartofmylackofexposuretothecur-riculumandengagedpedagogyofwhitenessthattransformedme.TheaspectofmypersonalitythatmadeitpossibleformetounlearnwhatIhadinitiallylearnedaboutraceandwhitesupremacy(whichwasnotreal)isinthefactthatIamacutelyawarethatmostofmysuccessesinlifehavecomeonlyafterseveralmajorfailures.Mean-ing,IknowthatIdon’toftengetitrightthefirsttimeandthischaracteristicallowsmeacertainfreedomwhenevolvingmypointsofview.AlthoughIinitiallyfounditverydifficulttoacceptthenatureofwhitesupremacy,myprofessor’sinsistencethatIemotionallycommittothematerialgavemethespacetofailandgrowanew,knowingthatwhenIdidfailshewouldbetheretopickmeupagain. Asthecoursewounddown,IbegantofeelthatInowhadadutyasaneducatortodosomethingwithmynewunderstandingsofrace,racism,andwhitesupremacy.Refusingtoopenlydiscusswhiteprivilegeandracismwasnolongeranoption—Ihadanobligationtohumanitytosharemynewlyfoundknowledgeandhelpthenextgenerationoflearnersseethetruth.Now,IfeelaneedtobringuptheideaofwhiteprivilegeinalmostallsettingsIfindmyselfin.CurrentlyI’mfinishingupmyMas-terthesisonthenatureofwhiteprivilegeasitpertainstothearenaofcomicbooksuperheroes.Thiscourse,Dr.MatiasandthelearningIunderwentasaresultofthe


emotionalenlightenment/transformationhaveforcedmetosharemyunderstandingofwhiteprivilegeinmycurrentacademicfieldofstudy,mysocialinteractionswithfriendsandonvariousformsofsocialmedia.Iamoptimisticastowhatmyfutureholdsasfarasteachingwhitenessandconstantlystrugglingwiththenatureofwhitesupremacyandhowitaffectsourworld.However,IcouldnotevengettotheplaceofoptimismandhopefulnessuntilIwasawareofthelatentwhiteemotionalitiesthatfirstsurfaceduponlearningaboutwhiteness.Assuch,Ifocusedonmyinitialemotions.Asateacher,IknowtheimpactIcanhaveonthenextgenerationoffreethinkersandnowthankstoDr.MatiasInolongershyawayfromdiscussionsofraceandwhiteprivilege,IactivelyseekoutthehardconversationsandsharewhatIhavelearned.

Analysis

Allthreenarrativesdescribeourjourneyofteachingandlearningaboutwhite-nesswithdifferentapprehensionsaboutit.Instrategicallydesigningthecurriculumtodirectlyaddresswhitesupremacyandhowthatimpactsoureducationalsystem,theprofessorforcedherstudentstoemotionallyconfronttheirownwhiteprivilege.ThisisseenwhenduringaclassconversationstereotypesaboutBlackandBrownviolencewasbeingrecycled.Thoughtheclassremainedsilent,theprofessorques-tionedtheirsilencebymodelinghowitassociateswithcomplicity.Thatis,sincesilenceisanactofwhitecomplicityitallowsdominantideologiesinwhitenesstogouncontested.Sheplacedtheonusbackontothestudentssaying,“Becauseyouarenotsayinganythingdoesthatmeanyouarecomplicitinthislineofreasoning?”Untilsheforcedthemtoconfronttheiremotionaldeflectiondidthestudentsspeakupabouttheirbeliefs;manythatcounteredthepreviousstereotypesaboutBlackandBrownmaleviolence.Thisbecameapedagogytheprofessorhadtoenforceinorderforthestudentstoengagewithinsteadof“UncleJoe-ing”thecurriculum. Differentemotionssuchasintimidationtofetishismwereexpressedbybothstudents.AllisonandCraiginterestinglydescribedtheprofessor’sphysicalappear-anceindifferentways.Truetothenatureofraceandgender,thereactionfromthewhitefemale(Allison)toafemaleProfessorofColor(wholooksAsian)wasthatofintimidation:“FromthemomentDr.Matiaswalkedin,Iwasoverwhelmedbyher.Herenergy,humor,andintelligencefilledtheroom(Allison).”ThisintimidationfactoriswidelydiscussedintheliteratureofBlackfeminism(Hills-Collin,1986,hooks,1993,Lorde,2007).Davis (1983)argues that thehistorical relationshipbetweenBlackfemaleslavesforcedtobemistressestotheirwhitemalemastersplacedwhitefemalesbetweentheirgenderedsubjugationandracialdomination.Ontheonehandwhitewomenwereunabletochallengepatriarchy,specificallywhitesupremacistpatriarchy.Ontheother,theyexertedtheirwhitesupremacyinthemaltreatmentoftheBlackfemaleslaves.Therefore,ashooks(1994)suggestswhen thepowerdynamicsplaces a femaleof color in an institutionallyhigherposition,whitewomenarethreatenedorintimidated.


TheemotionaldynamicsofCraigdiffered.Asaheterosexualwhitemale,hisresponsecenteredonherphysicalfeatures:“I’mnotusedtohavingmyprofessorslookthewayshedoes.SheisanAsian-lookingwomanofslender build.Shehasfair and beautiful featureswiththeface of a woman in her mid- to late twenties…Iwascomfortable,atleastatthestart(emphasisadded).”Espiritu(2001)arguesthatAsianAmericanwomenareeitherlabeled“DragonLadies,”whoaresexuallydominant,or“ChinaDolls”whoaretobesexuallydominated,yetbothdepictionsservethesexualfetishofstraightwhitemen.Meaning,therewaslesstobeintimidatedbywhenthemale student interactedwith the femaleprofessor, however, theAsianAmericanstereotypesandgenderstereotypesoffetishismwerestilloperating. Themostrecurringthemeinallthreenarrativesisemotions.Theprofessordeliberately includedemotional investmentasgradableclassroomparticipationclaiming that without emotional investment white teachers will not engage inprojectsofracialjusticeintheclassroom.Craigacknowledgedthat“[Dr.Matiassaid she] would force us to feel emotion” which encapsulates his emotions ofdefensivenessandanger thatwascapture inmanyof theemailshesent toher.Allisondescribedhowtheprofessor’sforcefulattempttohavestudentsrecognizetheirownwhitenessmadeherfeel“…bitterandscared;Ididn’tlikethetasteofmyexposedprivilege.”Meaning,Allisonunderwentemotionalitiessuchasvulner-abilityandreluctanceuponherinitialcontactwiththecontentandtheprofessor.Theprofessordidputemotionalinvestmentasapartofthesyllabusandonthesyllabus,explicatedwaysemotionalinvestmentcanbegraded.Forexample,sheexplainedtotheclassstartingablog,organizingoutsidefieldtripsthatrelatethecoursetopic,createapanelpresentation,writeeditorialsonlocalteacher’soutlets,postontheonlinediscussionthreadadditionalresourcesorengageinprolongeddiscussions.Thesewereallexamplesofhowtoemotionallyinvestinthelearning.Thegoalforherwastohavestudentsshowtheywerecommittedtolearningaboutracebeyondtheirowndiscomfortaboutthetopic.BydoingsoCraigmovedfromdefensivenessandangertoacceptanceandthankfulnesswhileAllisonmovedfromreluctanceandvulnerabilitytovigilanceandactivism. Eachnarrativedemonstrateshowemotionalitiesplayoutintheclassroomandthushowtheyinfluencetheteachingandlearningofwhiteness.Emotionsbecomeapossibleconduitforhowwhiteteacherslearnwhitenessandhowprofessors(ofcolorornot)engageinteachingaboutwhitenesstowhitestudents. Craignotedthebenefitfromtheprofessor’semotionalcommitmenttohislearningviaheremails;thisisthesameinvestmentsheaskedofherownstudentstolearntheirwhiteness.Allisonwrote:“Dr.Matiaschallengedmetoanalyzemywhitenessaswellasmycontributiontooppressiveracialdynamics.”Hereinliethetwintalesofwhiteness:oneisabouttheprofessorteachingaboutwhitenesswhilesheoperatesunderthehegemonyofit,theotheriswhenstudentslearnabout the debilitating mechanisms and effects of whiteness while exerting itthemselves.


Implications & Recommendations

Asbothstudentsandprofessorsofrace,weneededtofirstidentifyouremo-tionalities in response to learningor teachingaboutwhiteness, thenself-reflectuponthoseemotionalitiesinordertobetterunderstand.Asstudents,wemayhavefeltresentful,guilty,angry,defensive,and/orfearful,yetwerecognizethesefeel-ingsasaprocessofwhitenessinsteadofmislabelingthemasmerereactionstoacurriculumwedidnotagreewith.Identifyingouremotionsmadeusrealizemoreintimatelyhowwhitenessoperatesinourdailylives.Asprofessors—specificallyasprofessorsofcolor—welearnedthatourpastexperienceswithwhiteness,thoughscarred,stillhadtobevulnerableandopentore-receivenewwhitestudents.Toooftentheonslaughtofracismandwhitesupremacyhardenstheheartofpeopleofcolor,whichhelpsussurvive(Lorde,2001).Teachingandlearningaboutwhitenessis,atbest,arisk.Assuch,bothprofessorandstudentsmustbewilling,trusting,andvulnerableenoughtotaketheplungetogether. Acknowledgingtheemotionalityofwhitenessthenhasmanyimplicationsforteaching,learning,teachereducation,andthefieldofsocialjusticealtogether.Forone,furtherstudiescanbemadetogaugethelevelsofemotionalityexpressedwhilelearningaboutwhiteness.Indoingso,educatorscanfindmoreeffectiveroutesinantiracistteaching,pedagogies,andcurricula. Second,withrespecttopromotingsociallyjustprojects,educationcanbecomeamoreformidablefrontrunnerwhenengagingantiracism.Beyondtransdisciplinarystudiesofrace,wehopethatbypositingtheinterdynamicsoftheemotionalitiesoflearningandteachingaboutwhitenesswillbringthefieldofeducationintoanewlight,especiallywithregardtoitsroleintransformingsociety.Hopefully,thefieldofeducation,rootedinthehopesofsocialjustice(Freire,1993),willbeseenasalargercontributorforpolitical,social,andphilosophicaltheorizationsandactionofrace. Finally,imaginethepossibilitiesofracialhealingwhenweactuallyengageinsteadofsuppressouremotions.Wehope thatuponaddressingour racializedemotions,weopenthedoortoamorehumanizinglove(Matias&Allen,2013).Therealitiesofresistance,denial,anger,andguiltareembeddedinthecurriculaandpedagogiesofrace.Disregardingtheseemotionsisdangerousbecauseitcanproducedisingenuousantiracisteducatorswhoareunwillingtoemotionallyinvestinracially-justprojectsbutfeigncommitment.Engagingemotions,canproduceantiracisteducatorswhodohavetheemotionalfortitudetoremaincommittedtoracially-justeducation. Therefore,inordertopushforwardintorealmsofantiracisteducation—onethatacknowledgeswhitenessastheprecursortoraceissues—werecommendthateducationmustconsiderthewaysinwhichclassroomsarealsotherapeuticses-sions.Inthiscourse,theprofessorincludedanexplicitstatementthatstudentsmustdemonstrateadeepemotional investment in their learning.Perhaps thisshould


bearequirementwhenoneispreparingtoberaciallyjustadvocates.However,inordertoengageinsuchtherapeuticworktheprofessorsthemselvesneedtohaveexperience in investigating their own whiteness through critical self-reflection.Essentially, they must see themselves as racialized bodies whose experiences,credentials,ideologies,andevenemotionsarestructuredwithinthehegemonyofwhitenessbasedupontheirracialpositionality.AsFreire(1993)suggests thoseinoppressedpositionalitiesseethesystemofoppressionmoreclearlythanthoseintheoppressorposition.hooks(1993)andHill-Collins(1989)bothcorroboratethiswithrespectstotheintersectionalityofraceandgenderwhentheyclaimthatBlackwomenaremoresensitivetothedynamicsofraceandgenderbecauseoftheirracialandgenderidentities.Assuch,delvingdeepintoone’semotionalityandrequiringitinclassisyetbutonewaytoincludeemotionsasaviableunitofanalysisinthemaintenanceanddeconstructionofwhiteness.Inthisparticularclass,theprofessorusesthefinalprojectforthecourseforthebenefitofthepublicgoodbyhavingthestudentsdoaposterpresentationinalocalorganization,business,school,etc.Studentsareevaluatedbasedupontheirinvolvementtoorganizetheevent,contributetoongoingonlinediscussions,participateorencourageotherstoparticipateinlocalornationaleventsthatcorrespondstothecourse.Infact,dur-ingthesemesterinquestion,thestudentsorganizedanextracurricularfieldtriptothecommunitydialogueaftertheviewingofthedocumentary“I’mNotRacist...AmI?”atthelocalmuseum.Needlesstosay,ifonetrulyemotionallyinveststhenitwillshow.Thedeterminationofthatinvestmentshouldalwaysbedeterminedbetweentherelationshipestablishedbetweenprofessorandstudents. Additionally,theprocessofcriticalself-reflectionshouldnotlookthesamebetweenstudentsofcolorandwhitestudentsbecausetheyoccupydifferentraciallocationsandpositionalities.Hence,asprofessors,wecannotexpectstandardiza-tioninourcurriculaandpedagogiesbecause,aswedecolonizebothmindswithregardstoraceandwhiteness,wedoso. Another recommendation is individualassessment.Theprofessorprovidedcopiousamountsofindividualfeedbackasapedagogicaltooltoengagestudentsindividually.Ifwhiteracialidentity,asHelms(1990)suggests,isaprogressionofstages,thenitwouldbeerroneoustoassumethatwhitestudentsareonthesameprogressiontrajectory.

Conclusion

ThisarticleillustratedtheemotionalinterplaybetweenafemaleProfessorofColorandwhitestudentswhenteachingandlearningaboutwhitenessinagraduatecoursethatmakeupthetwintalesofwhiteness.Althoughourself-reflectivenarra-tivesareinnowaythecompleteanswerintheprocessoffindingthemosteffectivepedagogiesorcurriculatoaddressracism,itisastartingpointinthemuch-neededexcavationsofsuppressedracialemotionalitiesthatplayoutinourteachingand


learningprocesses.Foreducators,theemotionalboundfeltinthedailyinteractionswithher/hisstudentsare,attimes,unquantifiable.Yetdespitethis,itisnonethe-less,felt,understood,andimpactfulinthewaysweteach.Therefore,feelingsarenaturalbeatsthatoccurwhentheheartoftheclassisfeltandarerichwithcontext,instructionalpossibilities,andexcavation. Intimidation,fetishism,defensiveness,anger,trust,vulnerability,andreluc-tancewerejustsomeoftheemotionalaspectsfeltinresponsetothecurriculumandpedagogyofwhiteness.Theywerealsofeltinresponsetotheprofessorwhodeliveredthecurriculumandpedagogy.Thoughreplicationofsuchadynamicmaynotbethesamebecauseofthevariantfactorsthatinhabitaclassroom,itisnotewor-thytorecognizebecauseifthemajorityofU.S.teachersarestilloverwhelminglywhiteandandsoareprofessors,thensimilarsituationsasourwillbecomemoreprevalent.Justaswecannotignoreorsilencetheissuesofraceinclassrooms,wecannotignoreorsilencethepresenceofracializedemotionsbroughtaboutwhenlearningaboutwhiteness.Thesefeelings,inessence,areinstructiveinhowwe,aseducators,continuetoimplementraciallyjustcurriculumandpedagogy.Infact,raciallyjustteachingismorethanmasteringlearningobjectiveslistedonthesyl-labus.Rather,itisabouttherapeuticallyunderstandingourracializedemotionsforthehopeofracialharmony.Thus,whenweignorewhatwetrulyfeel,weultimatelyriskourchancetoraciallyhealtogether.Andthat...isarisknotworthtaking.

Special Note Tostudents(likeAllisonandCraig)andprofessors(likeCheryl)whoforevercommittolearningandteachingevenwhenthecontentisdifficult.

Notes

1Althoughwearesensitivetothefactthatthereexistsawidearrayofraciallymicroag-gressiveexperiencesamongpeopleofvariousracialcategories,thisarticleacknowledgesthatregardless totheexperienceonethingremainsconstant: that theyareallstructuredinresponsetoawhitesupremacistandraciststructure.Meaning,theyareonlyfeltintheraciallymicroaggressivewaybecauseofthefactthatracismandwhitesupremacyexist.Assuch,inordertointerprethowwhitenessisfeltandexpressed,writlarge,thisarticletakesongeneralexperiencestounderstandhowourpersonal(micro-leveled)feelingsinthiscoursecanplayaroleinthelargersystemofrace(macro-leveled). 2DeliberatelyonewordsimilartoLeonardo’s(year)postulationofraceclassasoneword.Meaning,onedoesnotexistswithouttheother.

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the twin tales of whiteness: exploring the emotional

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