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TheThingsYouCanSeeOnlyWhenYouSlowDownHAEMINSUNIMisoneofthemostinfluentialZenBuddhistteachersandwritersinSouthKorea,wherehisbookshavesoldmorethanthreemillioncopiesandarepopularasguidesnotonlytomediationbutalsotoovercomingthechallengesofeverydaylife.BorninSouthKorea,hecametotheUnitedStatestostudyfilm,onlytofindhimselfpulledintothespirituallife.EducatedatUCBerkeley,Harvard,andPrinceton,hereceivedformalmonastictraininginKoreaandtaughtBuddhismatHampshireCollegeinAmherst,Massachusetts.HehasmorethanamillionfollowersonTwitter(@haeminsunim)andFacebookandlivesinSeoulwhennottravelingtosharehisteachings.

CHI-YOUNGKIMisthetranslatoroftheNewYorkTimesbestsellingKoreannovelPleaseLookAfterMombyKyung-sookShin,forwhichshereceivedtheManAsianLiteraryPrize,andtheKoreancontemporaryclassicTheHenWhoDreamedSheCouldFlybySun-miHwang.ShelivesinLosAngeles,California.YOUNGCHEOLLEEisaKoreanartist.Hispaintingshavebeenshowninmorethan150exhibitionsandareadmiredfortheiridyllicquality.Youcanseemoreofhisartworkatwww.namusai33.com.

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Copyright©2012byHaeminSunim

Englishtranslationcopyright©2017byChi-YoungKimandHaeminSunim

Penguinsupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinto

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EbookISBN9780698156425LIBRARYOFCONGRESSCATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATIONDATA

Names:Hyemin,author.

Title:Thethingsyoucanseeonlywhenyouslowdown:howtobecalmand

mindfulinafast-pacedworld/HaeminSunim;translatedby

Chi-YoungKimandHaeminSunim;artworkbyYoungcheolLee.

Othertitles:Mæomch’umyæon,pirosopoinæunkæottæul.EnglishDescription:NewYork,NewYork:PenguinBooks,animprintofPenguinRandomHouse,LLC,[2017]

Identifiers:LCCN2016036101|ISBN9780143130772(hardcover)

Subjects:LCSH:Conductoflife.|Spirituallife—Buddhism.

Classification:LCCBJ1594.5.K6H94132017|DDC294.3/44—dc23

IllustrationsbyYoungcheolLee

Coverdesign:RoseanneSerraCoverillustration:Young-CheolLee

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Contents

AbouttheAuthor

Titlepage

Copyright

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER1

RestWhyAmISoBusy?

WhenLifeDisappoints,RestaMomentCHAPTER2

MindfulnessBefriendYourEmotions

WhenYouAreFeelingLowCHAPTER3

PassionTemperYourEagerness

BeingRightIsn’tImportant;BeingHappyTogetherIsCHAPTER4

RelationshipsTheArtofMaintainingaGoodRelationship

TheJourneyofForgivenessCHAPTER5

LoveFirstLove

ILoveYourOrdinarinessCHAPTER6

LifeDoYouKnowKungFu?

ThreeLiberatingInsightsCHAPTER7

TheFutureOneWordofEncouragementCanChangetheFuture

WhenYouLookforYourCalling

CHAPTER8Spirituality

Long-LostCousinsTwoSpiritualPathsinOneFamily

EPILOGUEYourOriginalFace

P R O L O G U EASAZENmonkandformerprofessoratasmallliberalartscollegeinMassachusetts,Iamfrequentlyaskedforadviceondealingwithlife’schallenges.Inadditiontosharingmyadviceinpersonandovere-mail,afewyearsagoIbegantoanswerquestionsoversocialnetworkingsites,asIenjoyedthefeelingofmakingconnectionswithpeople.Mymessagesweregenerallysimple,straightforward,andshort.Isometimeswrotedirectlyinresponsetoareal-lifequestion,sometimesasaquicknotetomyselfwhenIdiscoveredinterestingpatternsofthoughtinmindfulnesspracticeorininteractionswithpeople.Ialsodiscussedthevalueofslowingdowninourbusymodernlives,aswellastheartofmaintaininggoodrelationshipsandcultivatingself-compassion.

IdidnotanticipatetheoutpouringofresponsestomytweetsandFacebookposts.Manypeoplestartedsendingmemessagesnotonlytoaskadvice,butalsotoexpressappreciationandgratitude.Istillrememberayoungmotherwhohadlostherhusbandinacaraccidentandsentmeaheartfeltthank-younoteforsavingherfromcommittingsuicide,sayingthatsheneverthoughtaboutlovingherselfbecauseloveforheralwaysmeantgivingittosomeoneelse.Abusyexecutiveinhisfortiestoldmehowwonderfulitwastostarthisdaywithmymessages;tohim,theyprovidedamomentofcalmreflectionandrestfromhishecticschedule.Ayoungrecentgraduate,discouragedafternotfindingajob,readmysupportivewordsandgavethesearchanothertry,finallylandingajob.WhenIreadhisnews,Iwasoverjoyedforacoupleofdays,asifIhadgottenmyfirstjob.

Itmademeprofoundlyhappythatmysimplemessagescouldinspirepeopleandhelpthemintheirtimesofdifficulty.Asmymessagescametobesharedbymoreandmorepeople,andmynumberofTwitterandFacebookfollowersincreased,peoplestartedcallingmea“healingmentor,”whichendedupbecomingmynicknameinKorea.Iwasthencontactedbypublishingcompaniesofferingtoturnmywritingsintoabook.In2012,TheThingsYouCanSeeOnlyWhenYouSlowDowncameoutinSouthKorea;toeveryone’samazement,itstayednumberoneonthebest-sellerlistforforty-oneweeks,andsoldmorethanthreemillioncopiesinthreeyears.Translationsfollowed—intoChinese,Japanese,Thai,French,andnowEnglish.Iamhumbledbytheattentionthebookhasreceivedandhopeitcan

beofhelptoreadersofEnglish,justasithasbeentoreadersinAsiaandFrance.

Thebookhaseightchapters,addressingvariousaspectsoflife—fromloveandfriendshipstoworkandaspirations—andhowmindfulnesscanhelpusineach.Forinstance,Iaddresshowtodealmindfullywithnegativeemotionslikeangerandjealousyaswellaslife’sdisappointments,diggingdeepintomypasttosharemyexperienceoffailureasanewcollegeprofessor.Ifyouareoverlyself-conscious,the“threeliberatinginsights”fromchapter6canbequitehelpful.Ifyouareanxiousaboutyourfutureorunsureaboutyourtruecalling,Iofferadviceonhowtoincreaseself-awarenessandhowtodiscoverit.

Eachchapteropenswithanessay,whichisfollowedbyaseriesofshortmessages—wordsofadviceandwisdomaddresseddirectlytoyou,toconsideronebyone,andtoreconsiderandremember,sothattheymayaccompanyyouinmomentsofanxietyordespair,andremindyouthatyouarenotalone.Eachchapterthencontinueswithashorteressay,followedbyanotherseriesofshortpromptsformeditation.ThroughoutthebookarecolorillustrationsbyYoungcheolLee;theseareintendedascalminginterludes,tobelingeredovermuchlikethemeditationpromptsaremeanttobe.

Somepeoplereadthewholebookquicklyastheywouldanovel.However,Iwouldrecommendthatyoutakeyourtimeandreflectonwhatyouhavejustreadbeforemovingontoanewchapter.Youwillenjoyitmoreandfinddeepermeaningsasyougothrougheachchapterslowly.Youshouldfeelfreetomakenotesinthemarginsorhighlightpartsthathaveresonatedwithyou.

Ihopethatspendingtimewiththisbookbecomesanoccasiontoreflectonandmeditateinyourbusylife.Ihopeitinspiresyoutoconnectwiththe

kinderandwisersideofyourself.Mayyoubehappy,healthy,peaceful,andalwaysprotectedfromharm.

C H A P T E R O N E

Rest

WhyAmISoBusy?

Wheneverythingaroundmeismovingsofast,Istopandask,“Isittheworldthat’sbusy,orisitmymind?”

WEUSUALLYTHINKof“mind”and“world”existingindependentlyofeachother.Ifsomeoneaskswhereourmindis,mostofuswouldpointtoeitherourheadorourheart,butnottoatreeorthesky.Weperceiveaclearboundarybetweenwhatgoesoninsideourmindsandwhathappensintheoutsideworld.Comparedtothevastworldoutside,themindnestledinsidethebodycanfeelsmall,vulnerable,andsometimespowerless.AccordingtotheBuddha’steaching,however,theboundarybetweenthemindandtheworldisactuallythin,porous,andultimatelyillusory.Itisnotthattheworldisobjectivelyjoyfulorsadandproducesacorrespondingfeelinginus.Rather,feelingsoriginatewiththemindprojectingitssubjectiveexperienceontotheworld.Theworldisn’tinherentlyjoyfulorsad;itjustis.

PerhapswecanbetterunderstandthisthroughaconversationIhadwithadearfriendofmine,aresponsibleandmeticulousBuddhistnun.Sherecentlyoversawtheconstructionofameditationhallinhertemple.Afterrelatingtheordealofobtainingvariouspermitsandfindingtherightcontractor,amongotherthings,shedescribedtheconstructionprocessinthefollowingway:

“Whenitcametimetoplacetilesontheroof,IsawtileseverywhereIwent.Inoticedthematerialtheyweremadeof,theirthickness,theirdesign.Andthen,whenitwastimetoinstallthefloor,allIcouldseewerefloors.Inaturallyzeroedinonthecolor,origin,pattern,anddurabilityofahardwoodfloor.Andthenitsuddenlydawnedonme:Whenwelookattheoutsideworld,wearelookingatonlyasmallpartthatinterestsus.Theworldweseeisnottheentireuniversebutalimitedonethatthemindcaresabout.However,toourminds,thatsmallworldistheentireuniverse.Ourrealityisnottheinfinitelystretchingcosmosbutthesmallpartwechoosetofocuson.Realityexistsbecauseourmindsexist.Withoutthemind,therewouldbenouniverse.”

ThemoreIreflectedonthis,themoreherinsightmadesensetome.Theworldcomestoexistbecauseweareawareofit.Wecannotliveinarealityofwhichweareunaware.Theworlddependsonourmindsinordertoexist,justasourmindsdependontheworldasthesubjectofourawareness.Put

differently,ourmind’sawarenesscanbesaidtobringtheworldintobeing.Whatourmindfocusesonbecomesourworld.Seenthisway,theminddoesnotseemsoinsignificantinrelationtotheworldoutthere,doesit?

Weneithercannorwanttoknoweverysinglethingthathappensintheworld.Ifwedid,wewouldgocrazyfromtheoverloadofinformation.Ifwelookattheworldthroughthelensofourmind,thewaymyfrienddid,wewillreadilynoticewhatwearelookingfor,becauseourmindwillfocusonit.Giventhattheworldweseethroughourmind’seyeislimited,ifwecantrainourmindandchoosewiselywheretofocus,thenwewillbeabletoexperiencetheworldcorrespondingtothestateofourmind.

Asamonkandacollegeprofessor,Iampulledinmanydifferentdirections.DuringtheweekIteachandconductresearch,andontheweekendIdriveacoupleofhourstoassumedutiesatmyteacher’stemple.Duringschoolbreaks,myschedulebecomesevenbusier.Ineedtovisitseniormonks,serveasaninterpreterformonkswhodon’tspeakEnglish,gotodifferenttemplestogiveDharmatalks,andcarveouttimeformyownmeditationpractice.Ontopofthat,Icontinuetoresearchandwriteacademicpapers.

Tobehonest,IsometimeswonderwhetheraZenmonkshouldkeeptosuchafullschedule.ButthenIrealizeitisn’ttheoutsideworldthatisawhirlwind;itisonlymymind.Theworldhasnevercomplainedabouthowbusyitis.AsIlookdeeperintomyselftoseewhyIamlivingsuchabusylife,Irealizethat,toacertainextent,Iactuallyenjoybeingbusy.IfItrulywantedtorest,Icoulddeclineinvitationstoteach.ButIhavewelcomedsuchrequestsbecauseIenjoymeetingpeoplewhowantmyadviceandhelpingthemwithwhatlittlewisdomIhave.Seeingotherpeoplehappyisadeepsourceofjoyinmylife.

ThereisafamousBuddhistsayingthateveryoneappearsasbuddhasintheeyesoftheBuddhaandeveryoneappearsaspigsintheeyesofapig.Itsuggeststhattheworldisexperiencedaccordingtothestateofone’smind.Whenyourmindisjoyfulandcompassionate,theworldis,too.Whenyourmindisfilledwithnegativethoughts,theworldappearsnegative,too.Whenyoufeeloverwhelmedandbusy,rememberthatyouarenotpowerless.Whenyourmindrests,theworldalsorests.

Weknowtheworldonlythroughthewindowofourmind.

Whenourmindisnoisy,theworldisaswell.

Andwhenourmindispeaceful,theworldis,too.

Knowingourmindsis

justasimportantastryingtochangetheworld.

Isqueezemyselfintothesubwaycar.

Peoplearecrowdedallaroundme.

Icaneithergetannoyed

orthinkit’sfunthatIdon’thavetograbahandrail.

Peoplereactdifferentlytothesamesituation.

Ifwelookatitmoreclosely,

weseeit’snotthesituationthatistroublingus,

butourperspectiveonit.

Tsunamisarefrighteningnotjustbecauseofthewater,

butalsobecauseoftheobjectshurledatusbythewater.

Tornadoesareterrifyingnotjustbecauseofthewind,

butalsobecauseoftheobjectsuprootedandthrownbythewind.

Wefeelunhappynotjustbecausesomethingbadhashappened,

butalsobecauseoftheswirlingthoughtsaboutwhathappened.

Whenyouhaveanunpleasantfeeling,

don’tgrabholdofitandturnitoverandover.

Instead,leaveitalonesoitcanflow.

Thewaveofemotionwillnaturallyrecedeonitsown

aslongasyoudon’tfeeditbydwellingonit.

Togetfoodunstuckfromafryingpan,

justpourwaterinthepanandwait.

Afterawhilethefoodloosensonitsown.

Don’tstruggletohealyourwounds.

Justpourtimeintoyourheartandwait.

Whenyourwoundsareready,

theywillhealontheirown.

Ifweknowhowtobecontent,

wecanrelaxourendlessstrivingandwelcomeserenity.

Ifweknowhowtobecontent,

wecanenjoythetimewehavewiththepersonnexttous.

Ifweknowhowtobecontent,

wecanmakepeacewithourpastandletgoofourbaggage.

Ifyou’vebeenunabletochangeabadsituation,evenaftermanyattempts,

youshouldchangehowyoulookatthesituation.

Nothingisintrinsicallygoodorbad.

Goodorbadisalwaysrelative.

Compareyoursituationwithsomeone’sthatisworse.

Nowyoursdoesnotseemsobadafterall.

Whenyouarestressedout,beawareofyourstress.

Whenyouareirritated,beawareofyourirritation.

Whenyouareangry,beawareofyouranger.

Assoonasyoubecomeawareofthesefeelings

youarenolongerlostinthem.

Yourawarenessallowsyoutowitnessthemfromtheoutside.

Awarenessisinherentlypure,liketheopensky.

Stress,irritation,andangercantemporarilycloudthesky,

buttheycanneverpolluteit.

Negativeemotionscomeandgolikeclouds,

butthewide-openskyremains.

Liketoxinsslowlyfillingourbodies,

ifanger,despair,orsorrowaccumulateinourhearts,

wehavetodosomethingaboutit.

Exercise,talktoyourmentor,meditateonloving-kindness.

Aswebegintomaketheeffort,thetoxinsstarttolosetheirgrip.

Domemoriescauseyoupain?

Practicebeinginthepresentmoment.

Turnyourattentiontothehereandnow.

Noticethatyourthoughtssubsidewhenyoufocusonthepresent.

Asyourthoughtsquiet,so,too,thememories.

Becausememoriesare,inessence,thoughts.

Whenyouleaveworkfortheday,

ifyoufindyourselfasking,

“DoIhavetolivemywholelifelikethis?”

Thentrythefollowing:

Wakeupalittleearlierthenextmorning,

andsitinsilence,asifinmeditation.

Breatheindeeplyandslowly,

andaskyourselfhowyourworkishelpingothers,

regardlessofhowinsignificantlyorindirectly.

Asyoufocusmoreonothers,

youcanreconnectwiththemeaningandpurposeofyourwork.

Averymoderndilemma:

Therearecountlesstelevisionchannels

butnothinginterestingtowatch.

Toomanychoicesmakepeopleunhappy.

Areyoufeelingconfusedorconflicted?

Allowyourselfagoodnight’ssleep.

Whenyouwakeupthenextday,theproblemwillseemlighter.

Itworks,truly.

Ifyouwouldliketosleepmorepeacefully,

asyoulayyourheadonyourpillow,

thinkofthepeoplewhomyouaregratefulto,

orthetimesyouhelpedothersandfeltgoodaboutyourself.

Itwillwarmyourheart,giftingyouwithmorepeacefulsleep.

Withloveinourhearts,

wefindeventhemostmundanethingssacredandbeautiful.

Withloveinourhearts,

webecomekinderandgentler,eventocompletestrangers.

Withoutloveinourhearts,

wefindtheworldmeaninglessandrandom.

Withoutloveinourhearts,

webecomestrangerseventoourfamilyandfriends.

Whenweareopentoothers,

wedaretobevulnerableandhonest.

Whenwehavegoodwilltowardothers,

weintendtobehappyandconnected.

Closeyoureyes,takeadeepbreath,andsay,

“Maymyfriendsandacquaintancesbelovedandprotected!”

Withthosewords,you,too,willfeellovedandprotected.

Whenwearecomfortablewithourselves

andhaveacceptedourselveswholly,

otherswillfindusapproachable

andwilllikeusforwhoweare.

Iwishyoucouldseemytruenature.

Beyondmybodyandlabels,

thereisariveroftendernessandvulnerability.

Beyondstereotypesandassumptions,

thereisavalleyofopennessandauthenticity.

Beyondmemoryandego,

thereisanoceanofawarenessandcompassion.

Thewisedonotfighttheworld.

Inthemostrelaxedandplayfulmanner,

theysimplyembodythetruththattheyareonewithit.

WhenLifeDisappoints,RestaMoment

Whentrustisshattered,whenhopesaredashed,whenalovedoneleavesyou,beforedoinganything,justpauseyourlifeandrestamoment.

Ifyoucan,surroundyourselfwithclosefriendsandsharefoodanddrinkwhileslowlylettingoutthebottled-upstoriesofbetrayal,disappointment,andhurt.

Headtoamovietheater,aloneorwithyourbestfriend.Pickthesilliestmovie,evenifyounormallydon’twatchcomedies,andlaughoutlouduntilithurts,andshedafewtears,asifnobodyislooking,likeacarefreeteenager.

Findasongthatspeakstoyourheart.Playitoverandover,andsingalongtoitoverandover,asthoughyouaredoingitforallthewoundedsouls.

Ifnoneofthathelps,useyourvacationdaystotakeatrip.Gosomewhereyou’vealwayssaidyouwantedtogo—theGrandCanyon,theCaminodeSantiago,MachuPicchu.

Allbyyourself.Justyouandtheroad.

Afterspendingtimealone,gotoyourownsacredplace.Closeyoureyesandclearyourmind.

Evenifyouarenotthatspiritual,invoketheheartofcompassionandfeeltheembraceofacceptance.

Downcastandheartbroken,IknowyouwereoncemeandIwasonceyou.

Sotoday,Iprayforyou.

Loveyourselfdespiteyourimperfections.

Doyounotfeelcompassionforyourselfasyoustrugglethroughlife?

Youaresoeagertohelpyourfriends,butyoutreatyourselfsopoorly.

Strokeyourheartonceinawhileandtellyourself,“Iloveyou.”

Onapieceofpaper,writedowneverythingthatstressesyouout.

Listeverythingyououghttodo,includingminorthings—

wateringplants,replyingtoe-mails.

Thestressesarenowcontainedonapieceofpaper,awayfromyourmind.

So,relaxtonight.

Tellyourselfyouwillgothroughthelisttomorrow,

itembyitem,startingwiththeeasiest.

Whenyouopenyoureyesthenextmorning,

yourmindandbodywillbeready.

Icanguaranteethat.

Don’tgiveupinthefaceofcriticism.

Learntobrushasidewhatpeoplewhodon’tknowyouhavetosay.

Havingcriticsmeanswhatyou’redoingisgettingpeople’sattention.

Havecourage,andcontinuedownthepathyou’reon.

Lifeteachesusthroughourmistakes.

Whenyoumakeamistake,

simplyaskyourselfwhatyouweremeanttolearnfromit.

Whenweacceptsuchlessonswithhumilityandgratitude,

wegrowthatmuchmore.

Tobehappy,it’snotnecessarytoexpendgreateffortsowegetsomewhereelse.

Instead,relaxintothepresentmomentwhilefindinghumorinyourlife.

Withhumor,lifebecomeslightandleisurely.

Andlaughteralwaysbringspeopletoexperienceopennessandjoy.

Humoropensclosedhearts.

Humorcanfreeusfromthegripofourthoughts.

Whenwesmile,wefeelwecanacceptthingswepreviouslycouldnot.

Wefeelwecanforgivethosewhohavewrongedus.

Humorisanessentialpartoflife.

Whenwearejoyful,ourheartopensuptonewthings.

Whenweareinabadmood,wecan’tbeopentonewthings,

nomatterhowwonderfultheyare.

Withoutjoyinourheart,

ourprogressinlifeisslowanduninteresting.

Thosewhoworkinaplayful,relaxedmanner

tendtoworkefficientlyandcreatively.

Thosewhoworknonstop,drivenonlybystress,

workwithoutjoy.

Tokeepdoingyourworkforalongtime,

donottreatitasjustwork.

Viewitasasourceofenjoymentandgrowth.

Theroadtohappinessliesnotjustinfindingagoodjob,

butalsoinlearningtoenjoywhatyouareaskedtodo.

Doyoufeelunsettledordepressed?

Thenlookatachild’ssleepingfaceforoneminute.

Youwillsoonfeelripplesofpeace.

Afamilytakesawalkamidfallenautumnleaves.

Dadliftsuphisfive-year-oldson,

andtheboyshowershimwithkisses.

Momwatcheswithasmileonherface.

Ifwetaketimetolookaround,

weseeourselvessurroundedbylovelymoments.

Wouldyouliketomakeyourchildhappy?

Thengetoffworkalittleearlytoday.

Waitforyourchildinfrontofschool.

Horsearoundtogetherontheplayground.

Letyourchildchoosewheretogofordinner.

Andshoweryourchildwithyourlovingattention.

Onyourwayhome,pickupicecreamforthefamily.

Yourchildwillrememberthisdayforever.

Beforeyourchildrenareallgrown,

travelasfrequentlyasyoucanasafamily.

Althoughweseeourfamilyeveryday,

wedon’treallygettobewithoneanother.

Achangeinenvironmentcandowonders

andcanbringfamiliescloser.

Agoodfamilytripcanpreventdivorce.

Whatmakesmusicbeautifulis

thedistancebetweenonenoteandanother.

Whatmakesspeecheloquentis

theappropriatepausebetweenwords.

Fromtimetotimeweshouldtakeabreath

andnoticethesilencebetweensounds.

Whenyouhavetomakeanimportantdecision,

don’tlosesleepoverit.

Justtakethespecialmedicinecalled“time”andwait.

Yoursubconsciouswillsearchfortheanswer.

Twodayslater,orthree,

theanswerwilldawnonyou

asyouarewakingup,takingashower,ortalkingtoafriend.

Putfaithinyoursubconsciousmindandgiveyourselftime.

Ifsomethinggoeswrong,

weoftenturninwardandblameourselves.

Butisitreallyourfault?

Forexample,ifIwereJamesTaylor

andsomeonewerelookingforPavarotti,

thennaturallyIwouldn’tbechosen.

ButthisdoesnotmeanIlackmusicaltalent.

ItmeansonlythatIamnottherightmatch.

Sobemoreconfident,andpleasestopbeatingyourselfup.

Evenifyouarehavingjustabowlofcerealfordinner,

eatitwiththelovingattitudeofnourishingyourself.

Isn’tittiringtoconstantlyhavetocareforyourbody?

Patyourselfonthebackforthehardworkyouaredoing.

Thengotobedonehourearlier

asagifttoyourbody.

Doyouhavesomethingonyourmind?

Thentakeawalkinthesun.

Underthewarmthofthesun,

yourbrainwillreleaseserotonin,whichcalmsthemind.

Ifyouletyourmindlingeronthequestion

withouttryingtoohardtofindthesolution,

ananswerwillemergeonitsown.

Ifyoukeephopingtobecomfortedbyothers,

youcanfeelweigheddownbythatneed.

Ifyouhaveaconstantneedtobeheard,

nobodycanmeetthatneedtoyourcompletesatisfaction.

Ratherthanalwaysseekingcomfortfromothers,

offeryourcomfortandlistentoothers.

Intheprocessofhelping,

youwillbehealed.

Insteadofalotteryticket,

buysomeflowersforyourselfandyourfamily.

Ifyoubuyflowersandplacetheminthelivingroom,

youwillfeellikeawinnereverytime

andfindabundantbeauty

wheneveryoupassbythelivingroom.

Hassomethingdisappointedyou?

Hassomethingmadeyousad?

It’stheschooloflifetryingtoteachyouanimportantlesson.

Whenyoufeelready,takethetimetounderstandthelesson.

Theworldwillkeepturningevenwithoutyou.

Letgooftheideathatyourwayistheonlyway,

thatyouaretheonlyonewhocanmakeithappen.

Themoregratefulwefeel,thehappierwebecome.

Thisisbecausegratitudehelpsusrealizeweareallconnected.

Nobodyfeelslikeanislandwhenfeelinggrateful.

Gratitudeawakensustothetruthofourinterdependentnature.

Ifyougenuinelycareforothersandlookforwaystohelpotherssucceed,

youwon’tneedtolookforwaystoboostyourmood.

Aselflessandkindactwillliftyourspiritandself-worth.

Ifyouarehavingabadday,seeifyoucanfindawaytohelpsomeoneelse.

Evenasmallgestureofhelpwillmakeyoufeelbetter.

C H A P T E R T W O

Mindfulness

BefriendYourEmotions

EVERSINCEIbecameactiveonTwitterandFacebook,peoplehavebeensendingmemessagesaskingformyadvice.Themostfrequentlyaskedquestionishowtodealwithstrongnegativeemotions,suchasanger,hatred,andjealousy.

Thegoodnewsisthatthoseraisingthisquestionarealreadyhalfwaythere.Thefactthattheyareaskingthequestionindicatesthattheyaremindfulenoughtonoticethenegativestateoftheirownmind,whichisnotaneasythingtodo.Mostpeoplearecompletelyabsorbedintheiremotionsandhavelimitedself-awareness.Thepeoplewhohaveaskedmethisquestionnoticedwhatwashappeningintheirmindsastheywerebeingsweptintoawhirlwindofnegativeemotions,sloweddown,andthensentmeamessage.Whenpeoplesenseanegativeemotioncomingon,theirfirstimpulseistocontrolitsothattheydonotfeeloverwhelmedorthreatenedbyit.Iftheycan,theywouldliketogetridofitimmediatelyorfleefromit;theyrarelythinkitmeritsdeeperunderstanding.Thisisprobablywhypeopleusesuchexpressionsas“managinganger”or“overcominghatred”insteadof“befriendingyouremotion.”

Itisdifficulttoquicklycontrolastrongnegativeemotion;themorewetrytocontrolit,themoreitbecomesagitatedandresurfaces.Evenifwecontrolit,wemayendupmerelysuppressingit,onlyforittoreemergelater.Imaginethatastrongnegativeemotionislikemudswirlinginsideafishtank.Togetthemudtosinktothebottomofthetanksoyoucanhaveaclearviewofthefish,thelastthingyouwanttodoissubmergeyourhandsinthemuddywaterandtrytopushthemudtothebottom.Themoreyoutrytopushitdown,themoreyouchurnitup.Similarly,inanattempttocontrolanegativeemotion,youmaytrytopushitdown.Unfortunately,theharderyoutry,themoreitresurfaces.

Sowhatshouldwedo?Howcanwebetterunderstandournegativeemotionsandtrytoresolvetheminsteadofsuppressingthem?Theanswerisfairlysimple.Allwehavetodoisseparatetherawenergyofnegativeemotionsfromlinguisticlabelslike“anger”or“hatred”andthenwitnessitcalmlyuntiltheenergymorphsintosomethingelse.Whatisimportanthereisnottogetattachedtowordslike“anger,”“hatred,”and“jealousy,”and

insteadtowitnesstherawenergybehindthelabels.Althoughitmaybesubtle,theenergyconstantlychangeswhilethelabelremainsstatic.Ifyoupeelthelabeloffandgetintouchwiththerawenergy,yousoonrealizethatthenegativeemotionisonlytemporary,onethatchangeswithoutyourefforts.Therefore,muchlikeamirrorreflectswhatisbeforeitwithoutjudgmentoridentificationwiththeimage,simplyreflectthenegativeemotion—let’ssayit’sanger—andwatchdispassionately.Youwillseetheangerslowlychangingshape,eitherrevealingadeeperlayerofemotionordisappearingonitsown.Ifanotherlayerofemotionisrevealingitself,attendtoitthewayyoudidwithyouranger.

Whenyoutrytounderstandsomething,it’softenmosteffectivetosetasideyourpreconceptionsandobserveitquietlysothattheobjectofyourexaminationrevealswhatneedstobeunderstood.Insteadofdivingintothemuddywaterofyouremotionasawaytoconquerit,youshouldobserveitfromtheoutsideandletitsettledownandtransformonitsown.AsthespiritualteacherJidduKrishnamurtisaid,pureattentionwithoutjudgmentisnotonlythehighestformofhumanintelligence,butalsotheexpressionoflove.Observethechangingenergybothattentivelyandlovinglyasitunfoldsinthespaceofyourmind.

Icanimaginesomeonewondering,“Whatissogreataboutjustobserving?Isn’titavoidingreality?”Theanswerisquitetheopposite:Youarenotavoidingit;youareactuallystaringstraightintoit.Ratherthangettingcaughtintheemotionwithoutanyself-awareness,youareinquiringandthenfeelingwhatisthere.Asyougetbetteratit,youwillrealizethatthenegativeemotionisnotafixedreality.Itnaturallyemergesandretreatswithinthespaceofyourawareness,regardlessofyourwill.Onceyouawakentothistruth,youwillnotbeswayedbynegativeemotionsandcanregardthemasapassingcloud

insteadofidentifyingwiththemasadefiningpartofyourself.Donotfightyournegativeemotions.Observeandbefriendthem.

Ifyouwantrevengebecauseyourfeelingsarehurt,

allyoucanseeisyourownsuffering.

Butifyoucalmyourselfandlookmoredeeply,

youwillseethatthepersonwhohurtyouissuffering,too.

Inthechambersofourheart,

wehavetwotenantslivingsidebyside:

AdolfHitlerandMotherTeresa.

Whenweareovercomebyinsecurityandfear,

wefeeltheinnerworkingsofHitler.

Whenweareintouchwithloveandconnection,

wehearthegentlevoiceofMotherTeresa.

WeloseinterestinmoviesorTVseries

inwhichgoodcharactersarealwaysgoodandbadonesarealwaysbad.

Thisdoesnotmatchuptoreality.

Nopersonisalwaysgoodorbad.

“Nopersoncanbefound

Whohasbeen,is,orwillbe

Onlycriticized

Oronlypraised.”

—THEDHAMMAPADA*

Amoralpuristwhoisquicktojudgeothers

oftenfailstoseetheflawswithinhimself.

Whensomeonecriticizesanother,

youmightthinkhedeservesit.

Butifyoulookmoreclosely,

you’llseethatthecriticiscomplainingbecausehedidnotgethisway.

Sodonotbesoeasilyswayed.

Whenyouattacksomeone,

itisoftenbecauseyouareafraid.

Afriendstartstalkingillofsomeoneyoudon’tlike,

andyouagreewholeheartedly.

Butthenyoucan’thelpbutwonder,

“WhenI’mnotaround,doesshespeakillofmetoo?”

Gossipcanbecatharticinthemoment,

butittravelsfastandcanbiteyouback.

Thereasonyouregardmeaspureandcompassionate

isthatyouarepureandcompassionateyourself.

Whenpeoplewhodon’tknowyouwelladmireyou,

theyareseeingtheirprojectedillusion,notyourrealself.

Incontrast,whenpeoplewhoknowyouwellrespectyou,

itisprobablybecauseyoudeserveit.

Someaskifswallowingyourprideisconcedingdefeat.

Idon’tthinkso.Humilityisasignofinnerstrengthandwisdom.

Whenyouswallowyourpride,realcommunicationbecomespossible.

Wecanfinallyheareachotherandeventuallysolveourproblems.

Whensomeonetellsyou,“No,”

don’treactemotionallyandlosecontrol.

“No”mayopenupasurprisingnewworldtoyou.

“No”mayunexpectedlyleadyoutogoodpeople.

Ifyoubegintopushbackagainsttheunchangeable“No,”

youwillsufferintheprocessandmissotheropportunities.

Yourbossasksyoutorunanerrandthathaslittletodowithyourjob.

Ratherthangettingannoyed,justdoitandletitgo.

Donotturnsomethingtrivialintoamajorsourceofagony

bywastingtimeandenergythinkingaboutitendlessly.

IfIhadtosummarizetheentiretyofmostpeople’slivesinafewwords,

itwouldbeendlessresistancetowhatis.

Asweresist,weareinconstantmotiontryingtoadjust,

andyetwestillremainunhappyaboutwhatis.

IfIhadtosummarizetheentiretyofanenlightenedperson’slifeinafewwords,

itwouldbecompleteacceptanceofwhatis.

Asweacceptwhatis,ourmindsarerelaxedandcomposed

whiletheworldchangesrapidlyaroundus.

Donottrytocontrolthosearoundyou.

Whenyoucannotcontrolevenyourownmind,

whatmakesyouthinkyoucancontrolothers?

ThingsIlikedwhenIwasyoungbutnowcouldn’tcarelessabout:

Airplanerides,all-you-can-eatbuffets,horrormovies,stayingupallnight.

ThingsIenjoynowthatIamolder:

Mozart,brownrice,meditation,spendingtimealone,regularexercise.

Wechangewithoutrealizingit.Weareinthemidstofchangeevennow.

Donotlamentthattheworldhaschanged.

Donotresentthatpeoplehavechanged.

Evaluatingthepresentthroughthememoriesofthepastcancausesadness.

Whetheryoulikeitornot,changeisinevitable.

Embraceandwelcomeit.

Whetheritisanobject,athought,orafeeling,

ifithasemergedoutofemptiness,

itwillsoonchangeitsformand

eventuallyretreatbacktoemptiness.

SeekersinsearchoftheeternalTruth

mustlookbeyonditsimpermanentnatureand

becomeawareof“that”whichknowsimpermanence.

Themonkmostveneratedbyothermonksisnottheonewho

appearsmostholy,

preachesthebest,

runsthelargesttemple,

mostaccuratelypredictsthefuture,

hastheabilitytocureillness.

Heistheonewhoteachesthroughhisownactions.

Hepossessesnoauraofself-importance,

andsacrificeshimselffirstforthecommunity.

Spiritualitymustbepracticed

notjustinsolitudebutalsoamongpeople.

Openuptopeoplearoundyouandfeelconnected.

Thisisthetruechallengeofspiritualpractice.

Ifyouaresincereaboutreachingenlightenment,

youcanlearnevenfromachild,

orfromthepersonwhoinsultsyouonthestreet.

Theentireworldbecomesyourteacher.

Thepersonleadingyoutowardspiritualawakening

isnottheonewhopraisesyouorisnicetoyou.

Yourspiritualitydeepensbecauseofthose

whoinsultyouandgiveyouahardtime.

Theyareyourspiritualteachersindisguise.

Howcanyoutellifsomeoneistrulyenlightened?

Showerhimwithbothpraiseandcriticism.

Ifheshowssignsofbeingsusceptibletoeither,

thenitmeanshehasforgottenhisenlightenednature.

Ouremotionsarecapricious,liketheweatherinLondon.

Oneminute,whensomeonecriticizesus,weareoffendedandfurious.

Thenextminute,whensomeonepraisesus,wefeelproudandpompous.

Unlesswerecognizethestillpointbeneaththesurfaceofourchangingemotions,

wewillfeelwearehostagetotheirwhims.

Someoneadvancedinspiritualpracticehasthefollowingattitude.

Inalargecommunity,shelivesasthoughsheisalone.

Shemindsherownbusinesswithoutmeddlinginothers’.

Whenalone,sheactsasthoughsheisinalargecommunity.

Shefollowsherregimenwithoutslidingintolaziness.

Agreatspiritualteachercanwaitforherstudentstomature.

Shefeelsnoneedtoboastoforproveherenlightenment.

Sheneitherimposesherteachingsnorasksstudentstofollowherexclusively.

Sheletsherstudentsbesotheycangrowontheirown.

Whenadeep,honestconversation

makesusfeelconnectedtosomeone,

webecomeveryhappy.

Thesamedeepconnectionwithourselvesispossible

bywhollyacceptingwhoweareand

realizingtheenlightenednatureofourselves.

This,too,isasourceofincomparablehappinessandfreedom.

WhenYouAreFeelingLow

“HaeminSunim,I’mfeelinglow.WhatshouldIdo?”

Quietlyobservethefeelingwithouttryingtochangeit.Itwillchangeonitsown.

Asifgazingatatreeinthebackyard,asifsittingbyariverandwatchingthewaterflowby,quietlyobserveyourfeelingsasiftheyareexternaltoyou.Ifyouobserveyourfeelingsinthiswayforjustthreeminutes,youwillnoticetheirenergyandtextureslowlychanging.

Feelingsareoftenbornfromamatrixofconditionsbeyondyourcontrol.Justlikeyoucan’tcontroltheweather,oryourboss’smood,youcan’tcontrolthefeelingsinyourbody.Theyarejustpassingthrough,likecloudsinthesky.They,too,dissipateontheirown.

Butifyoutakethemtooseriouslyandstartinternalizingthemaspartofyouridentity,thenyouwillresuscitatethemeverytimeyouthinkaboutthepast.Rememberthatyouareneitheryourfeelingsnorthestoryyourmindtellsaboutyoutomakesenseofthem.Youarethevastsilencethatknowsoftheiremergenceandtheirdisappearance.

Whenthemindlooksoutward,

itisswayedbytheheavywindsoftheworld.

Butwhenthemindfacesinward,

wecanfindourcenterandrestinstillness.

Peopleask:“HowcanIclearmyheadwhenImeditate?

ThemoreItry,themoremythoughtsseemtoarise.”

Thisiscompletelynatural—becausetryingtoclearyourheadisalsoathought.

Donottrytogetridofyourthoughts—itwon’twork.

Instead,witnesstheemergenceofathought.

Witnessthedisappearanceofathought.

Themomentyoubecomeawareofit,

themindquietsandbecomesclear.

Weliketotalkaboutthingsexternaltoourselves

becauseourmindsareaccustomedtoflowingoutintotheworld.

Spiritualpractitioners,however,reversetheflowandlookinward.

Theystoptalkingaboutexternalmatters

andtrainthemselvestobecomeintimatewiththemind.

Ofallthewordsthatpouroutofourmouthseveryday,

howmanyarereallyours,

andhowmanyareborrowedfromothers?

Howoftendowesaysomethingoriginal?

Istheresuchathingasourownwordsanyway?

Withineachofus,thereisaninnerwitness

quietlyobservingwhatgoesoninsideandoutsideofus.

Bornfromaplaceofsilenceandwisdom,

evenwhentheworldchurnsupastormofemotions,

thewitnesssitscalmlyintheeyeofthestorm,

unharmed,luminous,andall-knowing.

Ifyouwishtoclearawaythecloudsofyourthoughts,

simplykeepyourmindinthepresent.

Thecloudsofthoughtlingeronlyinthepastorthefuture.

Bringyourmindtothepresent,andyourthoughtswillrest.

Ratherthanrepeating,

“Itisawful!Itisawful!”

starestraightintotheawfulfeeling.

Quietly.

Examinethefeeling.

Canyouseeitsimpermanentnature?

Letthefeelingleavewhenitsaysitwantstogo.

Everythinginthisuniverseisevanescent.

Becauseitisevanescent,itisalsoprecious.

Spendthispreciousmomentwiselyandbeautifully.

Themindcannothavetwothoughtsatonce.

Seeifyoucanthinktwothoughtsatexactlythesametime.

Well?Isitpossible?

Wecanbeconsumedbyangerforalongtime

withoutrealizingwehavebeenangry.

Similarly,weareeasilylostinthought

withoutknowingwehavebeenthinking.

Evenwhenweareawake

wearenodifferentfromasleepwalker.

Wedothingswithouttheawarenessofdoingthem.

Justbecauseoureyesareopendoesnotmeanweareawake.

Beingawakemeansthat

youknowwhatishappeningwithinyourfieldofawareness.

Ratherthanblindlyfollowingyourthoughtsandfeelings,

stayawakeandrecognizethestateofyourmindbeforeitistoolate.

Atmealtimes,weoftendonotrealizehowmuchwe’veeatenuntilwestandup.

Spiritualpracticeisallaboutbeingmindfulofeachmoment.

Ifyouareawareinthemomentthatyourstomachisgettingfull,

thenyouarespirituallyadvanced.

Ourconsciousnessoftendoesnotknowwhatoursubconsciouswants.

Wethinkwewantsomething,butwhenwegetit,werealizewewantedsomethingelse.

Whenyouwishtohearthevoiceofyoursubconscious,trymeditation.

Meditationopensasecretpathtoyoursubconscious.

Ourconsciousnessmaydesiremoney,power,andprestige,

butoursubconsciousdesiresselflesslove,

harmony,humor,beauty,sacredness,peace,andacceptance.

Whenwelistentosilence,wecanhearsubtlevibrations.

Whilelisteningtothevibrations,askasimplequestion:

Whatisitthatislistening?

Thereisnolistener.

Thereisonlylistening.

“WhenIgazeuponwater,Ibecomewater.

WhenIlookataflower,Ibecometheflower.

Theflowerridingonthewater,yippee!”

—ZENMASTERSEO-ONG(1912–2003)

Whenourbodiesarefitandhealthy,wefeellight,almostlikeair.

Butjustbecausewefeellightdoesnotmeanourbodiesarenotthere.

Ittakesalotofeffortforourfitnesstoappearnaturalandeffortless.

Butjustbecauseitappearseffortlessdoesnotmeanthatnoeffortwasmade.

Whatwecallour“spirit”or“enlightenednature”existslikeair,

solightandnaturalthatwearenotawareofit,

unlesswetrainourselvestobemindfulofit.

Alongtimeago,

therewasonlyonemind,

whichbecameboredbybeingaloneforsolong.

Soitdecidedtosplitintotwo.

Butsincethetwoknewtheywereoriginallyone,

playingtogetherwasnotmuchfun—

asifplayingbothsidesofachessgame.

Sothetwomindsagreedtoforgetwheretheycamefrom;

theypretendednottoknoweachother.

Astimepassed,theyalsoforgotabouttheiragreement.

Theyforgottheywereactuallyoneandthesame.

Thisistheconditionofourexistence.

Weforgetthatweareoriginallyfromonemind.

Whenanenlightenedpersontranscendsthedualityofyouandme,

sheseeslifeasonelongplay.

Thisiswhysheremainshumorousandlighthearted.

Sheplaysherrolebutneverforgetsitisaperformance.

Lifeisliketheater.Youareassignedarole.

Ifyoudon’tliketherole,

keepinmindthatyouhavethepowertore-createtheroleyouwant.

C H A P T E R T H R E E

Passion

TemperYourEagerness

ALTHOUGHISTILLfeltlikeastudent,beforeIknewitIhad“PhD”aftermynameandhadbecomeacollegeprofessorinasmalltowninMassachusetts.Istillrecallvividlyhowmyheartpoundedatthethoughtofmeetingmystudentsforthefirsttime.Iwasfilledwitheageranticipation,muchlikeateenagergoingonablinddate.Itriedtorememberthemanywonderfulteacherswhohadtaughtme,andIhopedIwouldembodysomeoftheirskillandauthenticpresence.

OfthetwocoursesIwasteachingthatfirstsemester,onewasthesubjectthathadbeenthemostinspiringtomewhenIwasastudent—IntroductiontoBuddhistMeditation.Ididn’twantthisclasstobemerelytheoretical;Iwantedtoprovidestudentswithachancetoactuallyexperiencemeditationforthemselves.Ihopedthatlater,evenaftertheygraduatedfromcollege,theywouldturntomeditationwhenconfrontedwithdifficultiesintheirlives.IthoughtthebestgiftIcouldgivemystudentswastheabilitytoobservetheirownmindsobjectivelyandnotbecaughtupintheirever-changingthoughtsandemotions.

Istillremembermyfirstlecturelikeitwasyesterday.Beforegoingintothatclass,IwasworriedaboutwhatIwouldsayandhowIwouldsayit,butIendedupspeakingpassionatelyabouttheincrediblerarityofwhatiscalled“karmicaffinity”inBuddhism.Itoldthestudentsthat,accordingtoBuddhistteachings,ourgatheringtherethatdaywasnottheproductofmerechance,buttheresultofourhavingmetovercountlesslifetimes.Ialsosaidthatsinceourtimetogetherwassucharare,preciousoccurrence,weshouldaimforaproductivesemester.Asmanyofthestudentswerefreshmen,theywereverysincereandseemedtohavegreatexpectationsforcollege.Theclasssizewaslimitedtotwenty-fivestudents,soitwasnotdifficultformetolearnalltheirnames,andIwasabletohavebriefchatswitheachofthem.Ifoundoutwhytheyweretakingtheclassandwhattheyhopedtolearn.IlikedthemallandpromisedmyselfIwoulddedicatemytimeandenergytotheireducation.

Myenthusiasmbecameevenmoreevidentastheclassbegan.Igavemystudentsalittlemorehomeworkthantheotherprofessors,asIfelttheurgetoteachthemasmuchasIcould.WhenIreceivedtheirassignments,IgradedthemverycarefullyandasquicklyasIcould.Inaddition,Iaskedthestudents

topracticemeditationeverydayandtokeepjournalsoftheirexperiences.Whileotherprofessorstypicallyhostedonedinnerwiththeirstudentstowardtheendoftheterm,Iheldgatheringsseveraltimes,includingapicnictoalocalBuddhistmonastery.Once,IaskedmystudentstojoinmeatalocalchurchforatalkgivenbyaprominentAmericanVipassanameditationteacher.

Asthesemesterprogressed,Ibegantorealizethatmyeagernesswascreatingsomeproblems.IthoughtthatifIdidmyutmosttoteachthestudents,theywouldtrytheirbesttofollowalong.ThemajorityofstudentsseemedgratefulthatIwasgivingthemavarietyofexperiences,butafewappearedtiredandseemedtoloseinterest.Studentsbegancomingtoclasswithouthavingdonetheirassignments,somewithouthavingcompletedthereadings.Anumberofthembrazenlydeclaredthatsincethevisitstothemonasteryandthelocalchurchwerenotpartoftheclass,theyshouldn’thavetoattend.Ibegantofeeldisappointedandevenhurt.Icouldn’thelpmyself.IwasdoingeverythingIcouldforthem,andtheywererejectingwhatIwasoffering.

Iexaminedthisfeelingofdisappointment.WhenIsawthesituationmoreclearly,IrealizedhowunskillfullyIhadbeenconductingmyself.Thisclasswasjustoneoutoffourthestudentsweretaking.Importantasthesubjectwastome,theothercourseswereequallyimportanttothem.Itwasonlynaturalthattheycouldn’tinvestalltheirtimeinmycourse,butIhadn’tbeenabletoseethatclearlyandhadbeencaughtupinmyowndesiretoteach.

Nomatterhoweffectivethemedicinemaybe,ifyoudemandthatsomeonetakeit,itcantastelikepoison.Myteachingstylewasbecomingpoisonoustosomestudents.Afterthisrealization,inthemiddleofthesemesterIalteredtheclasstofindanappropriatebalancebetweenmypassionforteachingandmystudents’capacitytolearn.Tomyamazement,thestudentsnoticedthedifferencealmostimmediatelyandbegantorespondpositively.Ididn’tburdenthemwithmyoverzealousness,andtheyslowlyrediscoveredtheirinterestintheclassontheirownterms.Whenthathappened,IrealizedsomethingIshouldhaveknownallalong.

Whenwe’refirstgivenajob,especiallyonewe’vebeenworkingtowardforalongtime,it’seasytobecomeoverlyenthusiastic,asweareeagertoproveourselves.Butinourexcitement,wemakethemistakeofequatingourowneagernesswitheffectiveness.Gettingthejobdonewellismoreimportantthanone’sfeelingsofdoingagoodjob.Ittakeswisdomtodiscernthatthesetwoarenotalwaysrelated.Insomecases,one’szealouseffortscangetinthewayofachievingthedesiredoutcome,especiallyifoneisunabletoseetheneedsoftheothersworkingtowardittogether.

Onlywhenweknowhowtocontrolthisoverflowingpassioncanweworkharmoniouslyandeffectivelywithothers.Onlythencanweeffectivelyshareourenthusiasmwiththosearoundus.

Thetollofabellisheardfarandwideonlywhenthebellisstruckhard.

Yourinfluencewon’tspreadfarwithoutthesacrificeofhardwork.

Theworldnoticesyoureffortsmorequicklythanyouthink.

Itisimportantthatyouworkhard,

butdon’tbeenamoredofthefeelingofworkinghard.

Ifyouaredrunkonthatfeeling,thenyoucarelessabouttheactualwork

thanabouthowyouappeartootherstobeworkinghard.

Themostdangerouspeople

arethosewhohavepassionbutlackwisdom.

Ifyouwanttopredicthowapoliticianwillactafterwinninganelection,

lookathowhecurrentlylivesandhowhehasbehavedinthepast.

Apersondoesnotlivethewayhesayshewould.

Helivesthewayhehasbeenliving.

Historically,thepeoplewhobringaboutchangeinsociety

tendtobenotthemiddle-agedbutthepassionateyouth.

Theirheartsaresensitivetotheplightoftheoppressed.

Theirspiritsstandtallagainstinjusticeandfightforthevoiceless.

Holdontothatyouthfulheartandspiritnomatterhowoldyouare.

Everyoneiskindtosomeonetheymeetforthefirsttime.

Thequestionishowlongtheirkindnesslasts.

Don’tbefooledjustbecausesomeoneisnicetoyouatfirst.

Whenhiring,lookbeyondskillsandexperience

toseeifthecandidateknowshowtoenjoyherjob.

Peoplewhoenjoytheirworkareusuallymoresuccessfulthanthosewhodon’t.

Nomatterwhatwedo,

thetopbuttonofourbusinessmustbefastenedproperly.

Ifwethink,“I’lljustdoitthiswayfornowandfixitlater,”

itusuallydoesnothappen,

becauselaterwemaynothavethemotivationtofixit,

orwejustgetusedtothewayitis.

Itislikemovingintoahouseanddecidingtofixitupovertime.

Evenaftermanyyears,wenevergetaroundtofixingitup.

Weendupjustlivingwiththewaythingsareforalongtime.

Someonethinks,“I’llstudyhardsoIcangetintoaprestigiouscollege.”

Someoneelsethinks,“I’llstudyhardsoIcanteachmysister,

whocannotattendschoolbecausemyfamilycannotaffordtosendher.”

Althoughtheybothhavethesamedeterminationtostudyhard,

theirmotivationsarequitedifferent.

Avowtohelpotherscansummonimmenseenergyfromwithin.

ThisiswhypeopletaketheBodhisattvavowstosaveallsentientbeings

beforeembarkingonajourneyofspiritualenlightenment.

Whenyouaremakingadecision,trytoassesshowmanypeopleitwillbenefit.

Ifitsatisfiesonlyyouregoandunnecessarilyhurtsmany,thenitisthewrongdecision.

Bethekindofpersonwhocanputyourselfinsomeoneelse’sshoes

andunderstandsomethingnotjustfromyourownperspective

butfromtheirsaswell.

Areyoutryingtogetclosertosomeone?

Isitbecauseyouwantsomethingfromhim?

Ifyouwishtobetrulyclose,thendiscardyourulteriormotives.

Whenyouaregenuinelykind,withoutanagenda,

thenotherswillmorereadilyopenuptoyou.

Somepeoplearegenerousandkindtothoseoutsidetheircircle

whileneglectingtheneedsofthosewithinit.

Itisamistaketotakefamilyandclosecolleaguesforgranted.

Whenthoseclosesttoyoufeelignoredandbetrayed,

everythingyouhavebuiltcancollapseinaninstant.

Alargeboulderisanexampletous

ofhowtostaytrueandnottowaver

evenwhenwavesofpraiseorcriticismrushoverus.

BeingRightIsn’tImportant;BeingHappyTogetherIs

Everyoneofushasbeliefs,values,andthoughtsthatarefundamentaltousandthatwecannotimaginecompromisingon.Webelievetheseareirrefutablyrightandthateveryonewouldagreeiftheycametotheirsenses.Buteveryonceinawhilewehavetospendtimewithpeoplewhodonotshareourconvictions.

Wemayclashoverpoliticalviews,religiousbeliefs,orlifevalues.Iftheconversationtouchesonthesetopics,itquicklybecomesanargument.Noonefeelstheyarebeingheardorrespected,andwhatremainsismostlyanger,confusion,andhurt.

Wemustaskwhetheritwasworthwhileifwemakeeachotherfeelunhappyorhurtinthenameofdefendingourbeliefs.Insteadofmaintainingthesanctityofourvalues,shouldn’twecaremoreaboutthepersonsittinginfrontofus?Isn’titbettertobehappytogetherthantoberightalone?

Tryingtoconvincesomeonetoadoptourviewsislargelytheworkofourego.Evenifweturnouttoberight,ouregoknowsnosatisfactionandseeksanewargumenttoengagein.

Maturitycomeswithexperience.Onelessonofmaturityisthatweshouldnottakeourthoughtstooseriously,andmustlearntocurbouregoandseethebiggerpicture.

Beingrightisn’tnearlyasimportantasbeinghappytogether.

Insteadofbeingthesmartestpersonintheroom,quicktocritiqueothers,

bethewarmheartedfriend,bringingpeopletogetherandsharingthings.

Bethesensitiveneighbor,capableoffeelingthesufferingofothers.

IfIwanttoconvincesomeone,

Ifirstlistenattentivelyandtrytounderstandthem.

EvenifIamright,theywon’tbeconvinceduntiltheyfeelheardandrespected.

Manyconflictsinourlivescanberesolved

ifweputourselvesintheotherperson’sshoes.

Trytolookatthingsfromherpointofview.

Ifyouconsideronlyyourside,

youarenodifferentfromachild.

Ifyougetangrywhiledebatingrightandwrong,

yourenragedvoicehasjustconcededdefeat.

Beingacriticiseasy.

Butifthecritictriestoruntheoperation,

hesoonunderstandsthatnothingisaseasyashiscriticisms.

Criticismwithoutasolutionismerelyaninflationofthecritic’sego.

Whenyouhearsomethingthatmakesyourbloodboil,

don’tshootoffatextorane-mailrightaway.

Awisepersonsleepsonit.

Aninstantemotionalreactionoftenleadstoaregrettableoutcome.

Itiseasytomakepeoplefeelspecial.

Peopleusuallyprefertalkingtolistening.

Askmanyopen-endedquestionsandlistenwithgenuineinterest.

Theywillfeelflatteredbyyourattention,andevenlikeyou.

Apowerfulpersonisoftensurroundedbyonlyyes-men,

helpingtheirbossfeelimportantandexceptional.

Ifthepeoplearoundyoualwaysagreewithyou,

theyareprobablyopportunists,notloyalists.

Whenaquestionhasbothalong,complicated,butlogical-soundinganswer

andasimpleanswerthatcanbeunderstoodbyevenachild,

therightanswerisusuallythesimpleone.

Whenyouaskaquestion

andthereisnoresponse,

thenthatistheanswer.

Thereareonlythosewhoknowtheirshortcomings

andthosewhodonot.

Nobodyisperfect.

Everyonehasshortcomings.

Ifsomeonelooksperfect,

thenthatisbecauseyoudon’tknowthepersonverywell.

“Don’ttrytomakeitperfect.Instead,makeitinteresting!”

—ANINTERIORDESIGNER’SADVICE

Doyouwanttobehappy,

ordoyouwanttoappearhappy?

Nevermindwhattheworldtellsyoutodotobehappy.

Betruthfultoyourselfanddiscoverwhatyoureallywant.

Choosehappiness,notsuccess,asyourlife’sgoal.

Ifyoubecomesuccessfulbutaren’thappy,thenwhatisthepoint?

Therearethosewhowanttobecomesuccessful

inordertothumbtheirnosesatthepeoplewholookeddownonthem.

Butwhathappensafteryouachievesuccess?

Whatdoyoudoafterprovingthattheywerewrong?

Ifyouwanttotrulysucceed,don’tuseanyoneelse’syardstick.

Meaningfulpraiseisfromsomeoneinthesamefieldasyou.

Itisworthpraisefromtenormorepeopleoutsideyourfield.

Professionalshavetheirtalentsandareasofexpertise.

Ifaclienttriestocontrolandmonitoreverydetail,

theprofessionalcannotworkatfullcapacityandfeelsinhibited.

Ifyouwantthebestresult,watchwithinterestbutknowwhentobackoff.

Aveterandoctor,lawyer,oraccountantwon’tnecessarilyprovidebetterservice

thanthepassionateyoungprofessionalwhohasbeeninthefieldonlyafewyears.

Theamountofattentionyougetisoftenmoreimportant

thantheprofessional’sillustriouscareerhistory.

Aftermasteringeighteenlevelsofkungfu,

youcanhurtsomeonewiththeflickofafinger.

Butifyougoontomasterallthirty-sixlevels,

youchoosetoretreatwhentheweakfoolishlycometofight.

Areyoumovingup?

Areyoudoingwell?

Thenseewhetheryouaresucceedingattheexpenseofothers,

oralongwithothers.

Ifyoushoveothersasideonthewaytosuccess,

thenyouwillbepulledunderoncethetidechanges.

C H A P T E R F O U R

Relationships

TheArtofMaintainingaGoodRelationship

MANYOFUSinvesttimeandmoneytoliveinanicehouse,driveafancycar,andappearyoungandbeautiful.Buthowmuchdoweinvestintheintangible,likegoodrelationships?Ifwearefortunateenoughtobesurroundedbyfamilyandfriendswholoveusforwhoweareandgenuinelycareforourwell-being,wefeelsecureandemotionallystableeveninthefaceofchallenges.Ontheotherhand,evenifwepossessourdreamhouse,aluxurycar,andaperfectbody,weremaindeeplyunhappyifthereareproblemsinourrelationships.Whentheproblemspersistwithoutanyresolutioninsight,webecomedepressedandeventhinkofcommittingsuicide.Ifhappinessiswhatwehopetoachieveinourlives,shouldn’tweputmoreeffortintocultivatinggoodrelationshipswiththepeoplearoundus?

INMYTWENTIES,Iwentonatwo-weekbackpackingtripinEuropewithaclosefriendfrommymonastery.WhenwearrivedattheairportinRome,ourspiritswerehigh.Wehadknowneachotherforacoupleofyearsandgotalongverywell.Ilikedhissenseofhumorandwarmheartednature,andheappreciatedmyadventurousspiritandoptimism.SincehedidnotspeakmuchEnglish,Ifeltobligatedtostayclosetohim.Afterthefirstsevendaysofspendingeverymomenttogether,we’drunoutofthingstotalkaboutandbothbecameirritable.Itwasnotbecauseofanyconcreteprobleminourfriendship;itwasjustthatwelongedforsometimealone.SothefollowingmorningIsuggestedwetakedifferentroutesandmeetupatthehostelatnight.Myfriendwelcomedmysuggestion.

AsIleftthehostel,Ifeltfree—IknewIcouldchoosetodowhateverIlikedfortheday;Ididnothavetonegotiatewithmyfriendaboutwheretogofirstandwhattoseenext.Butasthemorningturnedintotheafternoon,Iwasremindedoftheadvantagesoftravelingwithafriend.WhenIneededtogototherestroom,Icouldnolongerrelyonmyfriendtowatchmybackpack.Eatingalonewasnofun;itfeltmorelikeachorethanatimeforenjoymentandrelaxation.Ididn’ttakeanypicturesofmyselfthatdaybecauseIdidnotwanttobotherstrangers.WhenIencounteredsomethingbeautiful,suchasafamouspieceofart,Iwasnotasthrilledsincetherewasnoonetosharetheexcitementwith.WhenIarrivedatourhostelattheendoftheday,Iwas

quitehappytoseemyfriend.Overdinnerwefoundmanynewthingstotalkaboutinrecountingourrespectivedays.

FromthisexperienceIrealizedthattheartofmaintainingagoodrelationshipcanbecomparedtosittingbyafireplace.Ifwesittooclosefortoolong,webecomehotandpossiblyburned.Ifwesittoofaraway,wecannotfeelthewarmth.Similarly,nomatterhowwellwegetalongwithsomeone,ifwesticktooclosewithoutbuildinginsomepersonalspace,wesoonfeeltrappedandburnedout;itiseasytotaketherelationshipforgrantedandfeelresentfulaboutnothavingenoughprivacyandindependence.Ontheotherhand,ifweputintoolittleefforttostayintouchwithfriendsandfamily,wecan’tfeelthewarmthoftheirlove.Strikingabalanceiskey.

IHEARDAstoryfromKoreathatholdsanothergoodlessonaboutrelationships.ItisaboutamannamedMaengSa-seong(1360–1438),amemberoftheliteraticlassduringtheJoseonDynasty.Hewasrenownedforhisintelligence:Atagenineteenhereceivedthehighestmarksinthestatecivilserviceexamination,andatagetwentyhebecamecountymagistrate.Buthisquicksuccessmadehimhaughtyandvain.OnedayMaengpaidavisittoaneminentZenBuddhistmasterinhisdistrictandasked,“WhatshouldIkeepinmindasIrulethisvillage?”

Themasteransweredpolitely,“Allthatisnecessaryistoavoidevilandtodogoodformany.”

Maengsnapped,“Evenachildknowsthat!Isthatallyouhavetotellme?”

AsMaenggotuptoleave,themasterinsistedhestayabitlonger.Afterbrewingtea,themasterpouredsomeinMaeng’scupbutdidnotstopwhenthecupwasfull.Perplexed,Maengdemandedtoknowwhathewasdoing.

“Youseemtoknowthattoomuchteawillruinthefloor,”themasteranswered,“buthowdoyounotknowthattoomuchknowledgewillruinone’scharacter?”

Embarrassed,Maengsprangtohisfeetandrushedtowardthedoortoleave,butinhishastehehithisheadonthedoorframe.Themastergentlyadmonishedhim:“Ifyouloweryourhead,youwon’tbumpintotrouble.”

Aswecansee,toomuchpridecanbeasourceofconflict.Ifwetreatpeoplewithhumilityandrespect,conflictscanbeavoided.Itisoftenourpridethatencouragesustostandupstraightandwageabattleofwills.Whilefightingtodeterminewhoisrightandwhoiswrong,weendupcausingphysicalandemotionalpain.Somepeopleevendragfamilyandfriendsintotheconflictandcreatemoreunnecessaryconfusionandillwill.Ifsomeone

comesuptomeandsays,“Let’sseewhosereligionisright,”Ifirstlistenrespectfully,thensay,“ThankyouforintroducingmetoaspectsofyourreligionthatIdidn’tknowmuchabout.Iappreciatethat.”IfIweretoengageinanargumentinordertowin,theonlyresultwouldbethatsomeonewouldfeelhurt.EvenifIdidwin,whatgoodwouldresult?Theotherpersonwouldonlyfeeldefeated.

Weallgrowupindifferentenvironments.Ourexperiencesarevaried,andsoareourpersonalities,habits,values,andthoughts.Itisnoteasyfordiversepeopletolivetogetherandtrytoforgerelationships.AccordingtotheBuddhistscriptureTheTreatiseontheKingofTreasuresSamadhi,“Donotexpectotherstofollowyourway.Whenthingsalwaysgoyourway,itiseasytobecomearrogant.”Asweexperienceadversityinourlives,wematureandbecomemoreunderstanding.Justrememberthatthepersonwhohasmadeyourlifedifficulttodaycouldbeanundercoverteachersentfromabove,taskedwithyourspiritualgrowth.

Doyouoftenfeellonelyatworkorinschool?

Perhapsyourheartisclosedofftothosearoundyou.

“Idon’tgether.”

“I’mbetterthanher.”

“We’reondifferentwavelengths.”

Ifyouthinkthisway,howcouldyounotbelonely?

Openyourheart,andhaveacupofcoffeewithher.

Youwillsoonseethatsheisnotthatdifferentfromyou.

Whenyouopenupaboutyourhurtandsorrow,

Ifeelgratefulthatyou’veturnedtomeforsupport.

It’sasthoughIammeetingyouinthemostsacredchamberofyourheart.

Politiciansalwayssaywhatsoundsgood.

Butwhattheysaydoesnotalwaysresonatewithus—

becausetheirwordsarecomingfromtheirhead,notfromtheirheart.

Speakfromyourheart,whichistender,simple,andtrue.

Peoplewillunderstandyou,andlikeyou.

Ifyouthinkyouareeithersuperiororinferiortosomeone,

aninvisiblewallgoesupbetweenyou.

Treathimlikeanoldfriendyouhaven’tseeninawhile.

Whenyouletyourguarddown,sowillhe.

Theendofasushiroll,withthefillingstickingout,

isoftentastierthanapieceslicedneatlyfromthemiddle.

Someoneslickandwell-put-togethercancomeacrossascoldandalienating,

whileanaverageguywithoutpretenseismoregenuineandattractive.

Doyouknowwhythatconversationissoboring?

Becausewearetrappedinpoliteness,unabletospeakfromtheheart.

Anyconversationcanbecomeinterestingandlively

assoonaswestartspeakingwithrealhonesty.

Whensomeoneswearsatyou,

staycalmandcollectedforthirtyseconds.

Then,thatistheendofit.

Butifyoufightbackanddemand,

“Whatisyourproblem?”

youwillhavetospendmoretimewiththatunhappyperson.

Peoplesayhurtfulthingsbecausetheythemselveshavebeenhurt.

Whenyouencountersomeonepricklyandmalicious,

thinkaboutwhatkindofmiserablesituationhemustbein.

Ifheistoomuch,andyoudon’thavetime,

justwhisper,“Blessyou,”andmoveon.

Whenyoucriticizesomeone,seeifyouaredoingsooutofenvy.

Yourcriticismrevealsmoreaboutyourselfthanyourealize.

Evenifyouarecorrect,peoplestillmayfindyouunappealing.

Ifyouwishtocommunicateeffectivelywithothers,

bettertodescribewhatyouarefeelingratherthangoontheoffensive.

Forinstance,say,“Iamverysadtohearthat,”

not,“Whydoyoualwaysmakemesad?”

Youwantpeopletohearyouratherthanhavetodefendthemselvesfromyou.

Whenyouaredisappointed,don’twaittoolongtosayso.

Whenyoubottleupyourfeelings,

theriverofemotionswells,

makingitdifficulttocrossoverandspeakcalmly.

Doyouhavealotofenemies?

Thenbehumbleandstopspeakingillofpeople.

Thosewhodonotmakeenemiesaremorepowerful

thanthosewhohavethestrengthtofightthemallandwin.

Thenoisefromamotorcycle

assaultsthedrivermorethananyone.

Thedriverhasonlyhimselftoblame

whenheisoldandcan’thearanything.

Whenyouspeakillofothers,

ithurtsyoumorethananyone—

becauseyournegativityisloudestwithinyou.

Nomatterhowhurtyouare,youdon’tneedtohavethelastword.

Thelastwordcanobliterateeventhegoodmemories.

Althoughthingshavechanged,

isitnecessarytodiscardallyourmemories,especiallythehappyones?

Whenblindedbyanger,wemakechoiceswelaterregret.

Leavingtheroombeforethebridgeisburnedisasignofmaturity.

Thebestwaytogetevenwithsomeonewhohasleftyou

istomeetsomeonenewandbecomehappyagain.

Plottingforrevengeandremainingjealousaftermanyyears

isaformulaforendlessmisery.

Hecomplainsaboutherbehindherback.

She,withoutknowinganything,approacheshim

andsaysthekindestwords.

Thebestrevengeislove.

EventhemostbeautifulmusicgetstiresomeifIlistentoitconstantly.

ButifIlistentoitaftersometimeaway,itbecomeswonderfulagain.

Theproblemisnotthemusicitself.Itismyrelationshipwithit.

EvenmybestfriendgetsannoyingifIamwithherfortoolong.

ButifIseeherafterabreak,sheiswonderfulagain.

Thetroubleisnottheperson.Itismyrelationshipwithher.

ThereisasayinginanearlyBuddhistscripture:

“Paperwrappedaroundincensesmellsofincense,

andstringbindingfishsmellsoffish.”

Whetherwelikeitornot,

wenaturallybecomeinfluencedbyoursurroundings.

Askyourself,“WhodoIwanttoemulate?

Isthatpersonphysicallyormentallynearby?”

Ifwehelpsomeoneinthehopeofgettingsomethinginreturn,

thisisnotgivingbutlending.

Truegivingisdonewithoutexpectinganythinginreturn.

Italsomeanswerelinquishcontroloverwhatwehavegiven.

Whenconversationturnstosomeone’sflaws,

trynottoparticipateandgentlyredirecttheconversation.

Whenwespeaktoomuch,itiseasytospeakillofsomeone.

Sowhenyoufeeltalkative,justbemindful.

Whenyouareaskedtodosomething,

determineifyoucandoit.

Ifyoucannot,thendeclineassoonaspossible,

thewayinarestaurantyouwouldsendbackthewrongorder.

Ifyoudon’tsenditbackimmediately,youwillhavetopayforit.

Thereisareasonpeopleflocktocertainindividuals.

Theyarewarm,nurturing,andmagnanimous.

Theyaregenerouswiththeirtime,money,andcompliments.

Ifyoutrytoleadpeopleonlybystressingrulesandprinciples,

theywillleaveyou,onebyone.

Agoodleaderknowsthis,andthustriestocultivatevirtue.

AccordingtothewiseConfucianscholarJeongYak-yong(1762–1836):

“Thebestwaytohideyourwealthistogiveitaway.

Ifyouaregenerouswithyourwealth,

themoneythatwouldhavedisappearedsoonerorlater

becomesaneverlastingjewel,deeplyengravedintheheartoftherecipient.”

TheairIinhaleentersmybodyandbecomespartofme.

TheairthatIexhalemovesintosomeoneelseandbecomespartofher.

Justbylookingathowtheairmoves,

werealizeweareallconnectedtooneanother,

notjustfigurativelybutalsoliterally.

“Whetherwelikeitornot,weareallconnected,

anditisunthinkabletobehappyallbyoneself.”

—HISHOLINESSTHEDALAILAMA*

Thewholeuniverseiscontainedinanapplewedgeinalunchbox.

Appletree,sunlight,cloud,rain,earth,air,farmer’ssweatareallinit.

Deliverytruck,gas,market,money,cashier’ssmileareallinit.

Refrigerator,knife,cuttingboard,mother’sloveareallinit.

Everythinginthewholeuniversedependsononeanother.

Now,thinkaboutwhatexistsinyou.

Thewholeuniverseisinus.

TheJourneyofForgiveness

Thepersonwhobetrayedyouandleft,thepersonwhostolefromyouanddisappeared,thepersonwhostabbedyouinthebackandactedasifnothinghappened—forgivethem.

Notforthem,butforyourownsake—truly,completely,foryourself.Notbecausetheydeserveyourforgiveness;notbecausetheyareonlyhuman.

Forgivethem.

Soyoucanbefree.Soyoucanbehappy.Soyoucangoonlivingyourlife.

Itwon’tbeeasy,anditwillfeelunjust.Asuddengushofangermaypassthroughyou.Tearsofbitternessmayrolldownyourface.Allowthosefeelingstosurface,andletthembe.Treatthemkindly,withyourcompassionateheart.

Afterhonoringyourtears,askyourselfsoftly:“DoIwanttokeepcarryingthisresentmentinmyheart?DoIwanttoliveasavictimforever?”

Whenyoufeelready,musteryourcourageandmakeupyourmind.Althoughyourheartwon’tlistentoyourmind’sdecision,resolvetoforgiveandtofreeyourselffromemotionalbondage.

Andthenrevisityourfeelingsofangerandbitterness.Givethemyourfullpermissiontoexpressthemselves.Howdothosefeelingsmanifestinyourbody?Dotheybecometensemuscles,arapidheartbeat,flushedskin?Dotheyemergeasshallowbreathing,aspressureinyourchest?

Letthewavesofsensationssurfaceandrecede.Attendtothesensationsmovingthroughyourbody.

Whenthewavesbecomeabitcalmer,lookdeeplyandseewhatisbeneaththem.Arethereanyhiddenemotionsbeneaththeangerandbitterness?

Doyouseefear,shame,orgrief?Istherelonelinessandinsecurity?Ratherthandrowninginthem,observethem.

Asyourheartbecomesmoretenderandopen,turnyourattentiontowardtheaggressor.Canyoulookbeneaththatperson’smaskandfeelwhatisunderneathsuchviolenceanddishonesty?

Canyousensehisfear,insecurity,andunworthiness?Canyoufeellonelinessorshameunderthesurface?Ratherthansurrenderingtohim,observehimcompassionately.

Insideofusthereisasteepmountainoffearandadeepriverofgrief.Butthereisalsothecompassionateeyewitnessingyourinnerlandscape.Mayyoufindyourinnerwitness,thesourceoffreedomandhealing.

Whenwehatesomeone,

wethinkabouthimalot.

Unabletolethimgo,

wegraduallybegintoactlikehim.

Don’tlethimbecomealong-termtenantoftheheart.

Evicthimrightawaywithanoticeofforgiveness.

Doesthepersonyouhate

deservetobecarriedaroundinyourheart?

Keepinyourheartonlythosewholoveyou.

Ifyoucarryaroundwithyoupeopleyouhate,

itcausesonlyangstanddepression.

Inyourrelationships,

assumeyouwillneedtogivemorethanyoureceive.

Weremembersowellwhatwehavedoneforothers

buteasilyforgetwhatothershavedoneforus.

Evenifyoufeelyouareowedalittle,

it’slikelyyouhavereceivedclosetowhatyouhavegiven.

SeeingthatIamamonk,

somepeopleputtheirpalmstogetheringreeting,

andIinvoluntarilydothesame.

Somenod,

andIinvoluntarilydothesame.

Humansarelikemirrors:

Wereflecteachother.

Whenawisepersonwantssomethingfromothers,

shefirstdoeswhatshedesiresfromthem,

exemplifyingratherthanaskingforit.

Ifyouwantafriendtorememberyourbirthday,

rememberhersfirst.

Ifyouwantyourhusbandtogiveyouamassage,

givehimamassagefirst.

IfyouwantyourchildrentowatchlessTV,

turnoffyourTVfirst.

Don’tjustwaitforwhatyouwanttohappen.Actfirst.

Thewisemanduckshishead

whensomeoneswingsathim.

Ifheswingsbackjustbecausehewasswungat,

hewillbeseenastheaggressorandfailtowinpeople’shearts.

Althoughitmayseemunjust,

refrainingfromreactingoutofangershowstruecharacter.

Peopleturnsullenoveratrivialemotionalmatter,

andthenattackthepersonlater

withanunrelatedbutlogical-soundingpretext.

Whenyouloweryourself,theworldelevatesyou.

Whenyouelevateyourself,theworldlowersyou.

Whenyouarriveatthepeakofenlightenment,

youwillunderstand:

Yourpeakisthesameheightasyourneighbor’s.

Atthepeak,youseeeveryone’sholiness.

Whenyoukeepclashingwithsomeone,

itmaybetheworld’swayofaskingyoutolookcloselyatyourself.

Whenyoudon’tlikesomeone,trytofigureoutwhatitisyoudon’tlike;

seewhetheryouhaveasimilarflawwithinyourself.

Theflawthatyouimmediatelynoticeinsomeoneyoumeet

isprobablyaflawofyours,too.

Ifyoudidn’thaveit,

youwouldn’thavenoticeditsoquickly.

Nooneisinherentlygoodorbad.

Onlythecircumstanceinwhichweencountereachotherisgoodorbad.

Acriminalwhohappenstostopacarfromrunningoverme

isanangelsentbyGod.

ANobelPeacePrizewinnerwhohappenstobumpintomeonthesubway

isajerk.

Inagatheringofsevenoreightpeople,

wewillsurelymeetoneortwowholikeusalot

andoneortwowhoarenotthatfondofus.

Don’ttakeitpersonally;thisisjustthewayoftheworld.

Letpeoplehavetheirownopinions—

theyareentitledtothem.

Itiswhenyouwanttochangetheiropinionproblemsarise.

Thisisnotonlyimpossibleandfutilebutalsounnecessary.

Howboringwouldtheworldbeifeveryonethoughtexactlythesameway?

Whenyougrantpeoplefreedom,youwillfindyours,too.

Whatistheuseofsomeonecarryingadesignerhandbag

whenherbehaviorlacksthesamerefinement?

Themoreyoutrytochangeyourspouse,children,orfriends,

themoredifficultandstrainedyourrelationshipsbecome.

Peopledonotchangeeasily,

unlesstheysuffertremendoushardshiporhavealife-alteringexperience.

IwasoncetoldbyaBuddhistmasterthat

therearetwokindsofchildrenintheworld:

thoseborntorepaythekindnessoftheirparents,

andthosebornonlytotakewhattheirparentshave.

Askyourself:

Whichkindofasonordaughterareyoutoyourparents?

Whenyouthinkyourspousewon’tchange

andyouworryhowyouwilllivetherestofyourlifetogether,

askyourself:

AmIperfectinmyspouse’seyes?

Whenfacedwithaprobleminarelationship,

itwillneverbesolved

ifyoubeginbyasking,“Whycan’theunderstandme?”

or“Whywon’thejustdowhatIsay?”

Itisbecausethisapproachbeginswithademand.

Instead,beginbyasking,

“Whatisitthatmakeshimunhappyandfeelmisunderstood?”

or“Whatpastexperienceismakinghimrespondinthisway?”

Whenyoubeginwiththeintentionofunderstandinghim,

yourheartisreleasedfromtheprisonofyourviews

andopensuptofeelhispain.

Peoplewhoeasilyignoreothersdoso

becausetheyareafraidofbeingignored.

Whycan’tyoutrustthatfriend?

Becauseyouknowalltoowell

thatyou,too,arecapableoflying

inasimilarcircumstance.

Whatmakesustrulyhappy

ismeetingsomeonewhoacceptsusforwhoweare.

Evenifwearesuccessful,

wecanstillfeelinadequateandinsecure

ifwearemadetobelievethatsomethingiswrongwithus.

Accordingtosomepsychologists,

happinesscanbeassessedwithtwosimplequestions.

First,doyoufindmeaninginyourwork?

Second,doyouhavegoodrelationshipswiththosearoundyou?

Areyoulonelybecauseyouarealone?

AccordingtotheTalmud,

everybladeofgrasshasanangelwhoprotectsit.

Theangelswhispertoeachblade,

“Grow!Grow!”

Ifevenabladeofgrasshasanangel,

wouldn’teachofusaswell?

Ifyoufeellonely,

thinkoftheangelonyourshoulder

andbegratefulthatyouarecaredfor.

Amosquitohasbeeninmyroomforthelasttwodays,

anditstillhasn’tbittenme.

Okay,letuslivetogether.

Wemustsharesomekarmicaffinity.

Weliveamongcountlessrelations:

family,friends,colleagues,neighbors,etc.

Lifeisgoodwhentheserelationshipsaregood.

Beinghappybyyourselfdoesn’tlastlong.

Forspiritualpractitioners,

relationshipsarethefinaltest.

Evenifyouhaveawakenedtoyourenlightenednature,

thereisstillfurthertogoinyourspiritualjourney

ifyou’renotlivingharmoniouslywithothers.

C H A P T E R F I V E

Love

FirstLove

Betweenus,Mary,therestandsanunknowngod.

—KAHLILGIBRAN*

IWASINtenthgradewhenIfirstcameacrossKahlilGibran’sbooks.Idoveintohiswordswithoutknowingwhohewasorwherehewasfrom.Ihadnotyettastedthesweetnessofloveorthebitternessoflife,buthislovepoemsandspiritualproseenthralledme.Itwasprobablyhispoemsthatfirstputmeintouchwithsomethingineffablybeautifulandsacredwithinmyself.AsIreadTheProphetandJesustheSonofMan,Ifeltadeepsenseofreverencefor,andintimacywith,Jesus.Thiswasanewexperienceforme,asIhadpreviouslybeenexposedonlytodry,moralisticChristianteachingsofgoodandevil.

EvenmorefascinatingwerethelovelettersbetweenGibranandMaryHaskell,hisclosefriendandspiritualpartner.Thelettersupendedmyinexperiencedteenageheartlongingfortruelove.IendedthemanylongnightsofmyhighschoolyearsreadingGibran’spoetry.IstillrememberhowGibrandescribedhisloveinthisfollowingsimple,yetelegant,sentence:

Demonstrationsoflovearesmall,comparedwiththegreatthingthatishiddenbehindthem.*

Gibran’stenderspiritandhislanguagemovedmedeeply.EventhoughIhadneverfalleninlove,hiswordsdugintomyheartasifIwereexperiencingitmyself.

Whenlovebeckonstoyou,followhim,

Thoughhiswaysarehardandsteep.

Andwhenhiswingsenfoldyou,yieldtohim,

Thoughtheswordhiddenamonghispinionsmaywoundyou.*

Ipromisedmyselfthatwhenlovefoundme,I,too,wouldpourallofmyselfintoit,withoutcalculationorfear,evenifdeeppainlurkedbehindit.But,aseveryoneknows,lovedoesnotarrivejustbecauseyouwantitto,orthinkyouarereadyforit.Infact,elusivenessseemstobethenatureoflove:Theharderyoutrytograspit,thefurtherawayitremains.

AfewyearslaterIwokeuponemorningandrealizedthatmylong-awaitedlovehadfinallyfoundme.Itwaslikeanunexpectedguestwalkingstraightintomyheart,regardlessofmywillorreadiness.Itisembarrassingforamonktotalkabouthisfirstlove,butshewasanAmericanmissionarywhomImetbychanceonthestreetsofSeoul.Iwasinterestedinreligionandspirituality,sowehadalottotalkabout.ShetaughtEnglishtomeandmyfriends,andwehelpedherlearnKorean.AlthoughshewasseveralyearsolderthanIwas,wesharedseveralinterestsbeyondreligionandlanguages.WebothlikedGeorgeWinston’smusic,LucBesson’sfilms,andmusicalslikeLesMisérables.Imadehermixtapes,andshebakedmecookiesandpies.EventhoughIrarelyhadachancetobewithherone-on-one,Ilookedforwardtoseeingher,evenifitwasinaclasssetting.SoonIrealizedthiswasnotjustayouthfulcrush;itwaslove.

Butcouldthislovecometofruition?Itwasfatedtobeone-sided.InhereyesIwasjustahighschoolstudent.ShewasduetoreturntotheU.S.aftersixmonths,backtoherlongtimeboyfriend.Itwasclearlynotgoingtoworkout,butIcouldnotdoanythingabouthowIfelt.Whenlovefindsyou,itconsumesyou;everythingelsebecomesunimportant.Mythoughtswerecirclingheralldaylong,andmyheartwaswideopenandvulnerable.Everythinglookedmorevividandmeaningful.IfeltsohappywhenIthoughtabouther,asifIwereflyingtothehighestpeakintheworldwithher.Butasthedateforhertoreturnhomeapproached,Ialsofeltunbearablesorrow.Iwassoveryhappy,andatthesametimeinacutepain.

TwoweeksbeforeherdeparturefortheU.S.,Ifeltmyselfishnessgraduallydissipate.Nothingwasimportantotherthanher.ItwaslikeIwasdisappearingfromtheworld,leavingonlyherinit—asthougheverythingintheworldsprangfromher.ThatwaswhenIfinallyunderstoodwhatGibranmeantwhenhesaidtherewasanunknowngodbetweenhimandMary.Loveseemedsosacredandmysterious,liketheworkofagodfarmorepowerfulandsignificantthaneitherofus.AllofGibran’swordstookonnewmeaning.Thewholeworldappearedquitedifferenttome.

ThreeyearsaftersheleftKorea,shewrotetometoannounceherwedding:Shewouldfinallybemarryingherboyfriend.AtthatpointIwasincollege,inCalifornia;IwantedtoflytotheSouthtocongratulateher.ButIhadneitherthemoneynorthetime.Whatreallystoppedmefromattendingherwedding,though,wasthefearthatseeinghergetmarriedwouldbetoopainful.Icouldonlysendaletterwishingherthebest,alongwithasmallpresent.TwoyearslaterIgraduatedfromcollegeanddecidedtodrivecross-countrywithafriend.Whenwepassedthroughhertown,Icalledandaskedifshewouldliketohavecoffeewithme.Shewasthrilledtoseeme,andwereminisced

aboutourtimetogetherinKorea.Herhusbandcamewithherandtreatedmewarmly.Hewasakindheartedperson,justlikeher.

AFTERCOLLEGEIlivedinCambridge,Massachusetts,whereIwasstudyingformymaster’sdegree.IfrequentlyvisitedBoston’sSouthEnd,whereGibran’sfamilylivedafteremigratingfromLebanonattheendofthenineteenthcentury—whentheSouthEndwasoneofthelargestslumsinBoston,populatedlargelybySyrianandLebaneseimmigrants.Today,though,it’sabeautifulneighborhood,withNewEnglandred-brickbuildings.Gibrangrewupthere,livingwithhismotherandsiblingsandlearningEnglishatschool.Heenrolledinartschoolandblossomedintoatalentedartist.In1904hehadhisfirstexhibition,andMaryHaskell,whowastenyearsolder,wastakenwithhisartistry;shebecamehispatronfortherestofhislife.Gibransentherlettersfilledwithinsightsaboutloveandlife,andthoseletters,havingnestleddeepinmyteenageheart,remainwithmeeventoday.

Andwhenhespeakstoyou,believeinhim,

Thoughhisvoicemayshatteryourdreamsasthenorthwindlayswastethegarden.

Forevenaslovecrownsyou,soshallhecrucifyyou.*

HaskelleventuallyleftBostonandmovedtotheSouth.ThreeyearslatershewrotetoGibrantoinformhimthatshewastobemarried—justasmyfirstloveannouncedtomethreeyearsafterhermovetotheSouth.HavingthisincommonwithGibranmademefeelclosertohim,andhiswritingsfeltevenmorespecialtome.Today,whenIthinkaboutmyfirstlove,Inolongerfeelsorrow.Atthetime,though,myheartached.Thosefeelingsarelonggone,replacedwithadeepgratitude.Iamsogratefultomyfirstlove,toGibran,

andtotheuniverseforintroducingmetothewonderofloveanddevotionandtothefeelingofbeingtrulyalive,andforgivingmetheexperienceofavanishingego,auniverseofinfinitemeanings,andaglimpseofGod.

Ifyoulookforlove,inpursuitofwhatitcangiveyou,

itwillhideitself.

Ifyouasklovetoarrivebecauseyouarenowready,

itwillskipyourdoor.

Loveislikeanuninvitedguest.

Lovewillcomewhenitwantsto.

Lovewillleavewhenyouaskmoreofit.

Ifyouattempttofindalovethatmeetscertaincriteria,

yournewlovemayalsomakecertaindemandsofyou.

Dropyourdemandsquicklywhenloveknocksonyourdoor.

Loveiswarmandfreeing.

Itisinnocent,likeachild

withoutahiddenagenda.

Wecandeterminehowclosewearetosomeonebyasking,

“CanIactlikealittlekidinfrontofthatperson?”

Whenwelovesomeone,wefeellikealittlekidinourheart.

WhenIbeganlookingformyfirstteachingjob,

Ithoughtitwassimilartogoingoutonadate.

Imightlikeit,butitmightnotlikeme.

Oritmightlikeme,butImightnotlikeit.

Tocooksomethingdelicious,

youneedtimefortheingredientstomarinate.

Tobuildalastingrelationship,

youneedtimefortrusttodevelop.

Whenyouaredating,temperyourenthusiasm.

Youmayask,“Whatiswrongwithexpressingmyhonestfeelings?

Whycan’tIgiveheragiftandtellherIloveher?”

Yourwordsandgiftswillmeanmoretoherwhensheisready.

Loveher,notyourfeelings.

Loveneedstobebalanced.

Ifyoulikehimmorethanhelikesyou,

givehimtimeandspacetocatchup.

Itisimportanttoholdbackyouremotions

whenyourfeelingsarenotinbalancewithhis.

“HaeminSunim,Ifoundmyselfgettingsoupsetwithhim.

AtfirstIthoughtitwasbecauseIdidnotlikehim.

ButthenIrealizeditwasbecausehewasnotinterestedinme.”

Angerfornoreasoncouldbetheexpressionofacrush.

Inelementaryschool

Imetatallgirlwhomadefunofme.

LaterIlearnedshewasdoingittogetmyattention.

Thatwasmyfirstinsightintothecomplexitiesofhumanpsychology.

Oneoftheworstfeelingsistobelieve

thatyoudon’tmatter.

Lookaroundyou.

Haveyouintentionallyorunintentionally

ignoredanyone?

Onlywhenwearehurt

dowethinkofsomeone

whomwehavehurt

andfeeltrueremorse.

Theendofarelationshiprevealswhatwearemadeof.

Moveaway,justonestep,fromyourstubbornnessandanger.

Thatonestepismoresignificantthantenstepswhenthingsarefine.

Itwilldiminishyourpainandrescueyoufrominsanity.

Theheartisslowerthanthemind.

Themindknowsyoumustpartways,butyourheartdoesnot.

Thisisbecauseyourfeelingsaresettleddeeperinyourheart.

Whenoneday,aftermanydaysofdisappointment,

yourpartnerdealsthefinalblow,

thelightfinallydimsinyourheart.

Fallengingkonutsarelikeafailedrelationship.

Oncesolovelyhangingfromthetree,

theyemitastinkastheyarecrushedunderfoot.

Beasgentleinendingarelationship

asyouwereinstartingit.

Proofofhavingreallyloved:

Youdonotspeakillofyourex

evenafteryourrelationshiphasended.

Sometimes,afterarelationshipisover,

youcatchyourselfthinking,

“Ihopesheishappy,”withoutbitterness.

Thisisasignyouhavemovedon.

Paincausedbyonepersoncanbehealedbyanother.

Butbeforeyougoouttomeetsomeonenew,

makesuretogiveyourselftimetobewholeagain.

Otherwiseyoumayendupusingthenewpersonyoumeet.

Anexceptionalrelationshipisnot

onewithagoodbeginning

butonewithagoodending.

Relationshipsoftenbeginaccidentally,

butwhenitcomestoendingthem,

weusuallyhavechoices.

Choosetheendingwisely.

ILoveYourOrdinariness

AftermyDharmatalk,youapproachedmeshyly,withawarmbottleofsoymilkinyourhands,andsaidtenderly,“Sunim,IamsorryIcanonlyaffordtoofferyouthis.”Afterhandingmethebottleandanote,youdisappearedintothecrowd.

WhenIreadyournote,Iwasdeeplytouched:“Thankyoufromthebottomofmyheartforlisteningtomeandofferingyouradvicetosuchanunremarkable,ordinarypersonlikeme.”

Withthewarmthofthebottlestilllingeringinmyhands,IregrettedthatImissedtheopportunitytospeakwithyoufurther.Sincewemaynotmeetagain,Idecidedtowritetoyouhere,hopingthismessagemightsomehowreachyou.

IwantyoutoknowthatIloveyourordinariness,becauseI,too,amordinary.Thetruthis,weareallordinary.

Nomatterhowfamousorbeautifuloneis,nomatterhowmuchmoneyorpoweronehas,nomatterhowmanywonderfulaccomplishmentsonehashad,weallhaveourshareofsetbacks,heartbreak,andloss.Wehavetofacechallengeswehavenocontrolover.Lonelinessandthefearofdeathwillaccompanyustoourfinaldays.Everyoneisonthesametreacherousjourneyoflife’staintedglory.

SoIloveyou,youwhoshylystoodbeforeme,murmuringsoftlythatyouareordinary,offeringthewarmbottleofyourheart.

Withoutlove,

ourliveswouldpassusby

intheblinkofaneye.

Lovehasthepowertostoptheworldforamoment.

Lovemakestheworldlookbeautiful.

Whenthereislove,thereisbeauty.

Whenloveisdryingupinyourlife,

lookforthebeautyaroundyou.

Thatiswherelovecanbefound.

Youarebeautiful

notbecauseyouarebetterthanothers

butbecausethereisonlyyouwhocansmilelikethat.

Mayyoufallinlovewithyouruniqueself.

Onesummernight,Ilookupandfocusononestaroutofmany.

Thatstaralsochoosestolookatme,outofallthepeopleonearth.

Ameetingbetweentwopeopleislikethis,ararecosmicevent.

Itisoneinamillion,abillion,atrillion.

Loveis

trustingsomeone,

beingthereforsomeone,

beingreadytolistenwithatenderheart

fornootherreasonthanlove.

Attimeswearenotsure

whetherwhatwefeelislove.

Atthatmoment,askyourselfthis:

“AmIhappytogivemoreevenafterhavinggivenalot?”

Iftheanswerisyes,andthereisnoregretafterward,

thenthatisprobablylove.

Lovemeanslovingsomeonethewaysheis.

Wantinghertobeacertainwayisnotlovebutyourdesire.

Donotattempttoimprovesomeoneinthenameoflove.

Itisimprovementonlyinyoureyes,notinhers.

Ifsomethingismeanttoblossomintoarelationship,

itusuallyworksoutwithoutmuchdifficulty.

Ifyouaretheonlyoneputtingineffort,thenlethimgo.

Thismayrelievethepressure,andmotivatehimtomakeeffort.

Ifnot,thenitwillopenupanewpathforyou.

Lovecomesnaturallyandeffortlessly.

Ifyoutrytolovesomeone,thenitisnotrealuntilyoustoptrying.

Acastingdirectorauditionsmanyactors

butrecognizestherightoneassoonashewalksin.

Itcanbethesamewithanewhouse,adiamondring,afuturespouse.

Ifyouarehesitant,thenyoumightnothavefoundtherightoneyet.

Loveher

without“Whatif,”

withoutcalculation,

withoutsecond-guessing,

withoutcomparinghertoothers.

Loveherwiththesteadfastconvictionofyoursoul.

Ifoneofyouisunshakable,thentherelationshipcanlast.

Pleasedon’tcallitlove.

Whatyouareexperiencingisinfatuation

withnocommitmentorresponsibility.

Infatuationisnotlove

becauseitbeginsandendswithyou.

Itismoreaboutyourfeelings,andlessabouttheotherperson.

Whenweareinlove,weliketodonicethingsfortheonewelove.

Butitisequallyimportanttorefrainfromdoingunnecessarythings.

Weoftenoverlookthatpart.

Weliketogetinvolvedinotherpeople’sbusiness,

thinkingwearedoingsoforthem.

Weofferunsolicitedhelpandinterferewiththeirlives.

Wetakeawaytheirpowerandmakethemfeelincapable.

Thisstemsfromourdesireforcontrolandrecognition.

Ithaslittletodowithlove.

Weshouldlovepeoplelikethesunlovestheearth.

Thesunlovestheearthwithoutchoosingto.

Itnourishestreesandflowers,expectingnothinginreturn.

Itdoesnotwithholditsraysbutbrightenseverythingwithitspresence.

LikeKahlilGibransaid,

loveeachotherlike

twopillarssupportingthesameroof.

Whilelookingoutonthehorizontogether,

allowspacebetweenyouandyourlovedone.

Withoutit,youwillsuffocateandexhaustyourlove.

Rememberthis:

Whenyoustruggletoholdontoher,sheleaves.

Whenyoudecidetolethergo,shestays.

Wedothingsfortheonewelove,

butsometimesjustbeingthereexpressesevendeeperlove.

Givethegiftofyourfullpresence.

C H A P T E R S I XLife

DoYouKnowKungFu?

WHENIWALKaroundNewYorkCityinmygraymonasticrobes,IoftenencounterlittleboyswhoimitateBruceLeeuponseeingme.AtfirstIdidn’tunderstandwhattheyweredoing,butsoonenoughIdid—theyassumedanyonewithashavedhead,wearingrobes,wouldknowmartialarts.Ithoughtthiswascuteandamusing.AmoreforwardboyevenaskedmeifIknewkungfulikethoseChinesemonksatShaolinTemple.Theplayfulsideofmewantedtomakeafewfakekungfuposes,slowlyraisingmyarmsandmyrightleg.

WhenadultsfindoutthatIamaBuddhistmonastic,theyaskwithcuriosity,“Whatkindofmeditationdoyoupractice?”or“Howmanyhoursdoyousiteverymorning?Yourmindmustbeverypeaceful.”ThentheytalkabouttheirexperiencesatalocalZencenteroryogastudio,ortellmeaboutabookonmindfulnesstheyhavecomeacross.FormanyadultsintheWest,itseemsthataBuddhistteacherissomeonewhoissereneandcollectedthankstodailymeditation.Althoughtheassumptionsofthechildandtheadultaredifferent,Ifindthatthereisanunderlyingsimilarity.Bothchildandadultarecuriousaboutwhatitisthatamonkdoes.Inotherwords,whenitcomestoimaginingamonk’sidentity,peopleintheWesttendtozeroinonhisbehavior.

WhenIaminKorea,adifferentsetofquestionsawaitsme.Onthesubway,forinstance,thepersonsittingnexttomemightask,“Whereisyourhomemonastery?”or“Whichtempledoyoucurrentlyresidein?”ForKoreansitappearsthatthemostdefiningpartofapersoniswherehelives.EvenintheU.S.,whenKoreansfirstmeet,afterexchangingnamesthefirstquestiontheyaskis,“WhereinKoreaareyoufrom?”ItseemsthatformanyKoreans,one’sidentityistiedcloselytohishometownratherthantowhatheisdoing.

EverytimeIreturntoKorea,IwonderwhyKoreansaresoobsessedwiththeiralmamater,evenwhentheyareoverfiftyyearsold.Ofcourse,whenitcomestofindingajob,havinggraduatedfromaprestigiousuniversityisadvantageousinmostpartsoftheworld.Butthedegreealoneisoftennotenough.Evenifonehaslandedagoodjob,one’sskillsandexperiencearemoreimportantthanwhereonehasstudied.AgoodexampleisSteveJobs,

thecofounderofApple.JobswenttoReedCollegebutdroppedoutafteronesemester.AnyonefamiliarwithAmericanhighereducationwouldknowthatReedisanexcellentliberalartscollegeinPortland,Oregon.ButtoanaverageKorean,whohasheardonlyoftheIvyLeagueandafewlargeuniversitiesinCalifornia,Reedwouldbeconsideredsubpar.IfSteveJobshadbeenKorean,hiseducationalbackgroundwouldhavebeenahugeimpedimenttoasuccessfulcareer.Nobodywouldhavetakenhisideasseriouslyorinvestedinhiscompany;hewouldhavebeenseenasnotsmartenoughtohavegonetoanIvy.

Thisconcernsme.Ifweconsidersomeone’sidentityasrootedprimarilyinhishometownortheschoolhegraduatedfrom,weenduplookingonlyathispastandnotpayingattentiontohiscurrentskillsorfuturevision.Onlythosebornintogoodfamilieswiththerighteducationalbackgroundandconnectionsaregivenachancetosucceed,whilethosefromless-than-idealbackgroundswhoarebrimmingwithpotentialaredeniedopportunities.

WheneveryoungboysapproachmetoaskifIknowkungfu,itbecomesanoccasionformetoreflectonmylife.AmIbehavinglikeaspiritualteacher?OrhaveIbecomecomplacentinmyidentityandignoredtheworkIamcalledtodo?Moreover,whenImeetsomeonenew,doImakeanefforttoseewhoheisbeneathhissocialmarkers?OramIreducingpeopletotheirbackgroundandfailingtoseewhotheyreallyare?Iamremindedagainthatanyone,includingthoseyoungboys,canbeourspiritualteacherifwearewillingtoopenourheartstothem.

Lifeislikeasliceofpizza.

Itlooksdeliciousinanadvertisement,

butwhenweactuallyhaveit,itisnotasgoodasweimagined.

Ifyouenvysomeone’slife,

rememberthepizzainthead.

Italwayslooksbetterthanitis.

Haveyoueverselectedacheaperdishfromamenuthantheoneyoureallywanted,

onlytoregretyourchoicewhenitarrived?

Alwaysgowithyourfirstchoiceifyoucanaffordit.

Itisbetterthanalifefilledwithregrets.

Therearemanymoreordinaryhoursinlifethanextraordinaryones.

Wewaitinlineatthesupermarket.

Wespendhourscommutingtowork.

Wewaterourplantsandfeedourpets.

Happinessmeansfindingamomentofjoyinthoseordinaryhours.

Whenyouconcentrate,evenaphonebookcanbeinteresting.

Ifyouarebored,maybeyouarenotconcentrating.

Whereveryougo,cultivateasenseofownership.

Ifyouseelitterinachurch,library,orpark,pickitup.

Asyoutakeownership,yourlifewillhavemorepurpose,

andpeoplewillnoticeyourgoodexample.

ItmakessensethatScandinaviashouldbefamousforfurnituredesign,

sincepeopleinacoldclimatespendmoretimeinsidetheirhomes.

Similarly,Italyisrenownedfordesignerapparel;

itmakessensethatpeopleinawarmclimate

shouldpaymoreattentiontohowtheyappearoutdoors.

Whereyouliveshapesyou.

Doyouliveinaplaceconducivetothepursuitofyourdreams?

Wedon’tthinktwiceaboutspendingnineortendollarsonaglassofwine.

Andyetwehesitatewhenitcomestobuyingabook,

whichisthepriceofonlyoneortwoglassesofwine.

Apparentlymostpeopleareunabletotellthedifference

betweena$15bottleofwineanda$50bottle.

Theextra$35isthepriceofourvanity.

Whenpurchasingsomethingyouwillhaveforalongtime,likeahouseorapiano,

choosethebestwithinyourmeans,notsomethingthatwilldofornow.

Youmightthinkitisgoodenough,butafterawhileyouwillregretit.

Agoodcustomerdoesnotsay,“Pleasedowhateveryouthinkisbest.”

Sheknowsexactlywhatshewantsandcommunicatesitclearly.

Ifacustomerdoesnotcommunicatewhatshewants,shemaystillhavepreferences,

whichmightbeexpressedasacomplaintoncetheworkiscompleted.

Whenthereisaproblem,

takeitupwiththepersonwhoisresponsible.

Ifyouaddressitinaroundaboutway,throughotherpeople,

outoffearofupsettingthepersonandyourrelationship,

thentheproblembecomesmorecomplicated.

Gostraighttothesourceanddealwiththepersondirectly,

evenifthismakesyouuncomfortable.

Themoreyouknow,

themoreyouthinkyoudon’t.

Themoreyoudon’tknow,

themoreyouthinkyoudo.

Anysocialphenomenonisdifficulttogeneralize.

Itscausesareembeddedinacomplexwebofhistory,culture,politics,andeconomics.

Ifsomeoneexplainsasocialphenomenoninsimpleterms,

heiseitheranexpertorafool.

Thebiggestobstacletolearning

ispretendingtoknowevenwhenyoudon’t.

Itisbettertoadmityoudon’tknowsomething;

ifyoupretend,youhavetoactasifyouknewallalong.

Itiseasiertolearnwhenyousetasideyourprideandarehonest.

Thecompassionategazeofthewoundedsoulis

morebeautifulthanthenaivesmileoftheinexperiencedyouth.

Thedeterminationtoconvincesomeonemightstemfrombeing

notcompletelyconvincedyourself.

IdonotgoaroundtryingtoconvincepeoplethatIamaman.

Wearconfidence.

Itistheheightoffashion.

Whenweholdtoofirmlytoourbeliefs,

weriskbeingblindtoreality

andseeingonlywhatconformstoourbeliefs.

Thepersonwhosays,

“Thatpersonissopolitical,”

isusuallyjustaspolitical,ifnotmore.

Admirationdoesnotcomeeasily.

Ratherthansettingagoalofbecomingrichandpowerful,

aimhigher:becomingadmiredinyourfield.

Oneofthegreatestblessingsinlifeismeetingsomeonewetrulyadmire.

Thatpersonbecomesabeaconofhope,shieldingusfromcynicism.

Sometimeslifethrowsusacurveball

fornoreasonthatwecanfathom.

Butdonotdespair.

Wearenotalone.Wecanpersevere.

This,too,shallpass,liketheheatofsummer.

Asyouenteryourforties,youstarttothink:

“Isthiswhatlifeisallabout?Isthisallthereis?”

Thatsadandhollowfeeling—I,too,knowit.

Love,

notrighteouswords,

canchangepeople’slives.

ThreeLiberatingInsights

OnespringdayasIturnedthirty,Ilookedintomymindandrealizedthreethings.ThemomentIrealizedthem,IknewwhatIhadtodotobehappy.

First,peoplearenotasinterestedinmeasIhadalwaysbelieved.IcannotrememberwhatmyfriendwaswearingwhenIsawheraweekago.Orhowhermakeupwasorwhatherhairwaslike.IfIcannotremember,thenwhywouldsheremembersimilarthingsaboutme?Althoughwedothinkaboutothersfromtimetotime,itisrarelyformorethanafewminutes.Whenwearedonethinkingaboutotherpeople,ourmindsreverttowhatimmediatelyconcernsus.Whyshouldwespendsomanyhoursofourlivesworryingabouthowweappeartoothers?

Second,noteveryonehastolikeme.Afterall,Idonotlikeeveryone.Certainlyforallofus,therearepoliticians,coworkers,clients,andfamilymemberswesimplycannotstand.Sothenwhyshouldeveryonelikeme?Thereisnoneedtotormentyourselfbecausesomeonedislikesyou.Acceptitasafactoflife;youcannotcontrolhowothersfeelaboutyou.Ifsomeonedoesnotlikeyou,letherhaveheropinion.Justmoveon.

Third,ifwearebrutallyhonestwithourselves,mostthingswedoforothersareinfactforourselves.Weprayforthewell-beingofourfamilybecauseweneedthemtobearound.Weshedtearswhenourpartnerdiesbecauseoftheimpendingloneliness.Wesacrificeforourchildreninthehopethattheywillgrowupthewaywewant.UnlesswebecomeenlightenedliketheBuddhaorJesus,itisdifficulttoabandonourdeep-rootedpreoccupationwithourselves.

Stopworryingaboutwhatothersthinkandjustdowhatyourheartwishes.Donotcrowdyourmindwith“whatifs.”Uncomplicateyourlifeandownuptoyourdesires.Onlywhenyouarehappycanyouhelptomaketheworldahappierplace.

Donotletpeople’sopinionsofyoudeterminewhoyouare.

Insteadofworryingaboutwhatothersthink,

devoteyourselftoyourdreams.

Whensomeonedoesnotlikeus,

itisnotourproblembuttheirs.

Noteveryonewilllikeus.

Thisisaproblemonlyifweletitbotherus.

Bycomplainingthatsomethingwehavetodoistoohard,

weaddanotherlayerofdifficulty.

Takeadeepbreath,andthenjustdoit.

Writedownonasheetofpaper

thenamesoftheplacesyouwanttotraveltobeforeyoudie,

thepeopleyouhopetomeet,

theconcertsyouknowyouwillenjoy,

thesportsgamesyouaredyingtosee,

therestaurantsyouhavetotry.

Thenexperienceeverythingonthelist,itembyitem.

Nobodyneedstoknowaboutthelist.

Allowyourselfalittlesecretofyourown.

Itwillfeelgoodtodosomethingjustforyourself.

Lifeislikejazz.

Muchofitisimprovised;wecannotcontrolallthevariables.

Wemustliveitwithpanacheandflair,

regardlessofwhatitthrowsatus.

Wecanloveourfamilyandprayfortheirhappiness.

Wecangiveadviceandhelpwhenneeded.

Butwecanneithermakedecisionsforthem

normakethemactthewaywewantthemto.

Therearemanythingswecannotcontrolinlife.

Thatincludesthoseclosesttous.

Ifyoulearntoplayonesportwell,itbecomeseasiertolearntoplayanother.

Ifyoubecomefluentinoneforeignlanguage,youcanmoreeasilylearnanother.

Ifyoufigureouthowtorunasmallbusiness,it’llbeeasiertorunasecondorthirdone.

Donotbeenviousofthosewhoaregoodatmanythings.

Firstlearntobegoodatone.Youwillsoonbeabletodotwoorthree.

Amajestictreeisthefirsttobecutdownandusedforlumber,

whereasamodestoneliveson.

Likewise,arealmasterconcealshisvirtueandneverboastsofhisexcellence.

Dreambigbutstartsmall.

Asmalladjustmentcanhaveabigeffectonyourlife.

Forexample,ifyouwanttobehealthier,

thenstartbygoingtobedahalfhourearlier.

Ifyouwanttoloseweight,

thenstartbydrinkingwaterinsteadofsoda.

Ifyouhaveanimportantprojecttocomplete,

thenstartbygettingyourdeskorganized.

“Keepyourthoughtspositive,becauseyourthoughtsbecomeyourwords.

Keepyourwordspositive,becauseyourwordsbecomeyourbehavior.

Keepyourbehaviorpositive,becauseyourbehaviorbecomesyourhabits.

Keepyourhabitspositive,becauseyourhabitsbecomeyourvalues.

Keepyourvaluespositive,becauseyourvaluesbecomeyourdestiny.”

—MAHATMAGANDHI*

Yourmindcannotholdtwothoughtsatonce.

Thismeansthatasinglethoughtcanoccupyyourentiremind.

Whethergoodorbad,everythingstemsfromasinglethought.

Ifwearecarefulwiththatfirstthought,eventragediescanbeprevented.

Weprefertherightwordstothewrongwords.

Wepreferhonestwordstotherightwords.

Wepreferrealactstohonestwords.

Howyouspeakisoftenmoreimportantthanwhatyousay.

Andactionsspeaklouderthanwords.

Knowledgewantstotalk.

Wisdomwantstolisten.

Afoolishpersonthinks,“Ialreadyknowthat.”

Hekeepsanythingnewfromcomingintohismind.

Awisepersonthinks,“Idon’tknowthewholestory.”

Sheopensherselfuptoevengreaterwisdom.

Anordinarypersonmainlynoticesparticularthingshelikesordislikes.

Awisepersonnoticesboththewholeandtheparticulars.

Whenyoushareyourproblemswithyourfriends,

youdonotexpectthemtohavethesolutions.

Youarejustgratefultheyarethereforyouandwillingtolisten.

Ifsomeoneshareshisproblemswithyou,

don’tfeeltheneedtohavethesolutions.

Justlistensincerely.Thisisoftenmorehelpful.

WhenIlookdeeplywithinmyself,

IrealizewhatitisthatIreallywantfromothers:

attentiveearsthatlistentowhatIamsaying,

kindwordsthatacknowledgemyexistenceandworth,

gentleeyesthatacceptmyflawsandinsecurities.

Iresolvetobethatpersonforthosearoundme.

Abaddriverbrakesoften.

Abadconversationalistalsobrakesoften—

interruptingtheflowwithhisownstories.

Youcanfoolsomeoneforamoment,

butitishardtofoolsomeoneforlong.

Timewilltellifsomeonehasspokenfromtheheart

ormadethingsuptogetwhathewanted.

Evenifhegotwhathewantedwithamomentarylie,

thefactthatheliedwillstaywithhimuntilthedayhedies.

Whenthereisnoenvyorexpectation,

eventhewealthiestandmostpowerfulpersonisjustanotherhumanbeing.

Onlywhenweareenviousofwhathehas,orexpectsomethingfromhim,

dowebecomediscontentedandloseourcomposure.

Swindlerslovetosweet-talkaboutfuturegains,

insistingthatthingswillworkoutifwelistentothem.

Whenourgreedisawakened,wearecheated.

Aclevernegotiatorleadstheotherpartytothinkthey’vewon

whilegettingeverythinghewants.

Iftheotherpartyfeelsflatteredandsuperior

andletstheclevernegotiatorhavehisway,

thenitisreallythenegotiatorwhohaswon.

Acruelirony:

Therewardforsomeonewhoworkshardismorework.

Ifwe’requicktograntafavor,thenpeoplequicklyforgettheirgratitude.

Ifwegrantafavorwithseveralconditions,thenpeopleexpressimmensegratitude.

C H A P T E R S E V E N

TheFuture

OneWordofEncouragementCanChangetheFuture

UNLIKEINCHRISTIANITY,therearemanythousandsofscripturesintheBuddhisttradition.Somearehighlyphilosophical;othersaremainlystoriesthatcontainimportantlifelessons.MyfavoriteistheLotusSutra,whichhasbothphilosophicalteachingsanddidacticnarratives.Likewithanysacredtext,themoreIstudyit,themoreIamawedbyitsdepth.

AsIwasreadingtheLotusSutraagainrecently,onechapterinparticular,“ProphesyofEnlightenmentforFiveHundredDisciples,”caughtmyattention.ItdescribestheBuddhagivingaprophesyofcompleteenlightenmenttohisfivehundreddisciples,tellingthemthattheywillallbecomeBuddhasafteracertainperiodoftime.AprophesyofenlightenmentistheBuddha’sguaranteeaswellashispredictionofwhenandatwhatpointhisdiscipleswillreachthefinalstageofbuddhahood.HearingtheBuddha’sencouragingwordsabouttheirfuture,thefivehundreddisciplesareelatedandmakeavowtoengagecontinuouslyinspiritualpractice.WheneverIcomeacrossthisstoryoftheBuddha’sprophesy,itremindsmeofmyelementaryschoolteacherMs.Lee,whopredictedgreatthingsaboutmyfuture.

Byallmeasures,Iwasjustanaveragekid.Iwasofaverageheightandcamefromamiddle-classfamily.Iwasnotthebrighteststudent,butneitherwasIatroublemaker.IrememberMs.Leeasastrictwomaninhermid-thirties.Shehadonesonwhoattendedthesameschool;Iknewhimquitewellbecausewehadbeeninthesameclassthepreviousyear.Oneday,asIwaswalkingacrosstheyardafterschool,Ms.Lee’ssoncameuptomeandinvitedmeovertoplayathishouse—hesaidhisparentshadboughthimsomenewtoys.IwasverymuchtemptedbutwasafraidImightrunintoMs.Lee.Understandingmyhesitation,myfriendassuredmethathismomrarelycamehomebeforefouro’clock.IagreedtoplaywithhimonlyifIcouldleavebeforefouro’clock.

Wehadalotoffunplayingwithhisnewtoys.Ibecameabsorbedinplayingandcompletelyforgotaboutthetimewhenthefrontdoorswungopenandmyteacherwalkedin.Itensedup,worriedthatIwouldbechastisedfor

playinginsteadofdoingmyhomework.Tomysurprise,Ms.Leegreetedmewithabigsmile.ShespoketomewarmlyandgavemeahugasthoughIwereherson.Inherembrace,Irealizedshewasactuallyakindandlovingperson,butshehadnochoicebuttoappearstrictatschoolbecauseshehadtomaintaincontrolovertheclass.Shegavemeasnackthatshegavemyfriendonlyonspecialoccasions.AsIateit,shestrokedmyheadgentlyandsaid,“You’regoingtobeagoodstudentandarolemodelforyourfriends.Itrustthatyouwillbecomeagreatpersonwhobringswisdomandhappinesstoalotofpeople.”

Myyoungheartwasmovedbeyondwords.Afterthatday,Istudiedveryhardandtriedtobearolemodelfortheotherstudents.SinceMs.Leehadputhertrustinme,Iwasdeterminednottodisappointher.IthinkIhavebecomewhoIamtodaythankstowhatshesaidtomethatafternoon.Withoutherkindwords,Iwouldnothavehadtheconfidencetoexcelacademicallyortobecomeaprofessororspiritualteacher.

AccordingtotheLotusSutra,theBuddhamakestheprophesyabouthisdisciplesbecausehehasasupernaturalabilitytoforeseewhentheywouldachievethefinalstageofbuddhahood.ButIdonotthinktheyautomaticallyattainedenlightenmentbecausetheyreceivedtheBuddha’sprophesy;IthinkithadalottodowiththeBuddha’sfaithinthem,whichmotivatedthemtoworkhardertoaccomplishwhattheirteacherpredicted.LikeMs.Lee’swordstome,theBuddha’strustingwordsandhislovinggazetransformedthelivesofhisfivehundreddisciples.Onewordofencouragement,saidwithkindnessandhope,canchangeaperson’sfuture,thewayitdidforthefivehundreddisciplesandforme.

Somesaytheydon’treallyknowwhattheyarelookingforinlife.

Thismightbebecause,insteadofgettingintouchwithhowtheyfeel,

theyhaveledtheirlivesaccordingtootherpeople’sexpectations.

Liveyourlifenottosatisfyothers,buttofulfillwhatyourheartdesires.

Mydearyoungfriend,

pleasedon’tfeeldiscouraged

justbecauseyouareslightlybehind.

Lifeisn’tahundred-meterraceagainstyourfriends,

butalifelongmarathonagainstyourself.

Ratherthanfocusingongettingaheadofyourfriends,

firsttrytodiscoveryouruniquecolor.

“HaeminSunim,IhopeyoubecomeagreatteacherliketheDalaiLama.”

“Thankyouforyourkindness.IdeeplyadmireHisHoliness.

ButIdon’twanttobecometheDalaiLama.

IwouldliketobecomeHaeminSunim.”

Don’tflithereandtherelikeaschooloffish

justbecausethatiswhatyourfriendsdo

orbecauseotherssayitiswhatyoushoulddo.

Standbyyourconvictions.

Upendtheexistingparadigm

andbecomeatrendsetter.

TherearethingsIwouldhavelikedtoteachmychildifI’dhadone:

Nomatterhowfamous,powerful,orrichsomepeopleare,

theyarenotverydifferentfromanyoneelse.

Welongfordeepconnectionandunconditionalacceptance.

Wehavethesameinsecuritiesandneedforapproval.

Thereisnoreasontofeelinferior.

Ifyouareraisingachild,thenrememberthis:

Itisokayforyourchildtodowellinonearea

andnotsowellinothers.

Arestaurantspecializinginafewgooddishes

ismorelikelytodevelopagoodreputation

thanonewithalengthymenu.

Helpyourchildgodeepinherareaofinterest.

IntelligenceisnotjustaboutgettingstraightA’sandhighSATscores.

Itisalsoaboutbeingabletoempathizeandbeattunedtohowotherpeoplefeel.

Areyouacontrollingparent?

Areyoudevotingtoomuchattentiontoyourchild?

Iftheanswerisyes,

thenturnsomeofthatattentiontowardyourparents.

Ifyouaregoodtoyourownparents,

thenyourchildwilllearnhowtotreatyouinthefuture.

Fromayoungage,

somechildrenaretoldtocompete,

worriedaboutwhattheirparentswillsay,

insecureabouthowtheirfriendswilljudgethem.

Letthemknowitisokaytoenjoylife.

Helpthemdiscovertalentsthatcannotbegraded.

Respectthemsotheyknowwhatitfeelsliketoberespected.

Whydoesn’thighschoolteachessentiallifeskills?

Like:

Howtocook,

howtogooutonadate,

howtowatchyourweight,

howtobefinanciallyresponsible,

howtopickyourselfupafterasetback,

howtobemindfulofyourthoughtsandemotions.

Insteadofbuildinguparésuméonlytolandajob,

enjoytheprocessoflearningsomethingnew.

Don’tdoitjustfortheend.

Delightinthemeans,too.

Evenifyouhaveothermotivesforvolunteering,

intheprocessofhelpingoutandconnectingwithpeople

youmaydiscoverthemeaningoflifeandofhappiness.

Thisiswhyitisimportanttovolunteer

regardlessofwhatcompelsyoutodosointhefirstplace.

Whenitcomestolearninganewskill,therearetwokindsofpeople.

Onekindpreferstofirststudythetypewriter,

whiletheotherstartsbypoundingonthekeys.

Onekindlikestofirstmasterthegrammarofaforeignlanguage,

whiletheotherlearnsinthetrenches,usingbodylanguageiftheymust.

Generallyspeaking,thesecondtypetendstolearnfasterthanthefirst,

becausethelatterisnotafraidofmakingmistakes.

Thereisnosuchthingasbeingcompletelyprepared.

Lifeisanadventure,throughwhichwelearnandmature.

Ofcourse,wemustconsiderallouroptionscarefully.

Butifwewaitfor100percentcertainty,thenitisoftentoolate.

Whenyouareabouttomakeanimportantdecision,

thereisalwaysamomentofhesitationrightbeforeyousignonthedottedline.

Don’tpullback.Youhavecomeallthiswayafterhavinggivenitseriousthought.

Don’tlookback.Continueonyourpathcourageously,likeaone-hornedrhinoceros.

Sometimesyouhavetopushthroughwithyourconvictions.

Youcannotpleaseeveryone.

Donotholdbackjustbecause

youareafraidsomeonemightcriticizeyou.

Youwillprobablyearnyourselfafewenemies,

butmanyotherswillrespectyouforstandingupforwhatyoubelieve.

Donotturndowntoomanyopportunities.

Ifyouinsistyouneedmorepreparation,

youmaynotbeinvitedagainwhenyoufinallyfeelready.

Youareready.

Youcantakeupthechallenge.

Whenyouwakeupinthemorning,saytoyourself:

“Iwon’tspendtodaypassively,

justdoingwhatotherstellmetodo.

Iwilltaketheleadandforgemyowndestiny!”

Establishagoalfortheweek.

Thereisabigdifferencebetweenhavingagoalandnothavingone.

Asignificantaccomplishmentcanbetracedbacktoasinglethought.

Evenifyouhavejustamodestdream,

don’tkeepittoyourself.Talktoothersaboutit.

Bythetimeyoutelltenpeople,itismorelikelytocometrue.

Trythesetwothingsatthesametime:

Pretendyouarealreadyachampion

andworkdiligentlyatbecomingone.

Thegapbetweenbeliefandrealitywillsoonclose.

WhenYouLookforYourCalling

Itisnoteasytofindone’scallinginlife.Althoughsomeknowwhattheywanttodofromanearlyage,formost,ittakesmanyyearstofindtheirpath.WheneverIamaskedaboutfindingone’scalling,Iofferthefollowingadvice.

First,oneofthereasonsitisdifficulttofindyourcallingisthatyousimplydonotknowwhatkindofjobsareoutthereintheworld.Wherecanyoudiscoveroptionsotherthanthejobsyoualreadyknowofthroughyourfamilyandfriends?

Theeasiestwaytoexposeyourselftoanarrayofindirectexperiencesisbyreading.Haveyoureaduponscience,travel,fashion,art,orpolitics?Howabouteducation,psychology,finance,health,food,music,orsports?Readwidelyasyouexploredifferentprofessions.Youcanalsoreadabiographyofsomeoneyouadmireandhopetoemulate.Booksbroadenyourhorizonsandintroduceyoutonewpossibilities.

Second,itishardtofindone’scallingbecausemanymistakenlybelievetheyneedtolookonlywithintodiscovertheirpassion.Althoughitistruethatwehaveinnateinterestsandtalents,weoftendonotknowwhattheyareuntilwehavereal-lifeexperiences.Havingawiderangeofexperiencescanhelpyouuncoveryourinnerpassion.

Tryvariouspart-timejobsandinternships,orvolunteer.

Don’tbeafraidofrollingupyoursleevesanddivingin.

Whileimmersedinajob’sreality,youwilldiscoverwhetherit’sagoodfit.

Workexperiencesmayunlockthedoortoacareeropportunityyouhadn’tconsidered.

Third,itisdifficulttofindyourcallingwithoutsufficientself-awareness.Doyouknowwhatkindofworkenvironmentyouthrivein?Doyoudrawyourenergyfrominteractingwithpeople?Doyouperformwellunderpressure?Whatareyourstrengthsandweaknesses?

Youcanincreaseyourself-awarenessbyinteractingwithawiderangeofpeopleinawidevarietyofsituations.Youwilldevelopadeeperunderstandingofyourselfasyoucultivaterelationships,whichbecomeamirrorreflectingyourstrengthsandweaknessesinvariouscircumstances.Donotbeafraidofmeetingnewpeople.Gettoknowthosewhoareworkinginafieldyouareinterestedin.Gooutondates;theyareanothergoodwaytolearnaboutyourself.Discoverwhattypesofpeoplearecompatiblewithyourpersonality.Fromtheseexperiences,youwillgaininsightintowhatkindsofpeopleyouliketosurroundyourselfwith.

Lastly,donotselectyourcareerbasedonwhatotherswillthinkofyourchoice.Thetruthisthatotherpeopledonotreallythinkaboutyouthatmuch.Ifyouthinkyouwillenjoysomething,thendonotoverthinkit.Justdoit.Evenifitdoesnotturnoutthewayyouimaginedit,youwillstillappreciateitforwhatithastaughtyou.

Iwishyouthebestofluck!

Measureyourself-worth

notwiththebalanceofyourbankaccount

butwiththefrequencyofyourgenerosity.

Thecollegeyougraduatedfromisnotthatimportant.

Thelifeyouhavechosentoliveaftercollegeis.

“Whenhiring,Ilikepeoplewhoareconfidentbutwhocanadmitwhentheyarewrong.

Forthatkindofperson,Idon’thavetolookatanyothercredentials,

becausetheyaresureofthemselvesbutwon’tlettheiregogetintheway.”

—AHNCHEOL-SOO,SOUTHKOREANSOFTWAREENTREPRENEUR

Whenyoulookforajob,

trytofindouthowlongacompany’semployeesstayatthecompany.

Thisismoreimportantthanthesizeofthecompanyorthesalaryoffered.

Ifpeoplekeepleaving,thenthatsaysalot.

Areyounervousoreventerrifiedaboutyournewjob?

Isitbecauseyouareafraidofdisappointingyournewboss?

Justdothebestyoucanwithoutbeingself-consciousaboutyourwork.

Evenifyourworkislessthansuperb,ifyouaresincereanddedicated,

thenyourbossandcolleagueswillappreciateyou.

Ifyouhappentovisitaworkplacethatappearsmuchbetterthanyours,

insteadoffeelingenvious,examinetheplacemorecarefully.

Youmayfindadownsidethatchangesyourfirstimpression.

Themomentyourealizethat,youwillfeelgratefulforyourcurrentjob.

Beingagoodbossrequiresmuchmorethan

justhavingalotoftechnicalknowledge.

Itisimportanttohaveintegrityandapositiverelationshipwiththestaff,

togivetimelyfeedbackandprofessionalmentoring,and

toadvocateforwhattheteamneeds.

Abossshouldnotbeoverlyconcernedwithhowsheisperceived.

Thisissecondary.

Rather,sheshouldfocusonhowherworkaffectsthestaffandclients.

Awiseleaderdoesn’tassembleateamofonlythosewhoagreewithhim.

Heneedssomeonewhodisagreeswithhim,toallowhimtoseehisblindspots.

Anineptleaderattemptstomicromanageeverything.

Hisstaffwillwindupdoingonlywhattheyaretold.

Askillfulleaderknowshowtodelegatetosubordinates

andtowaitforthemtotakeresponsibilityandseethejobtoasuccessfulconclusion.

Dedicationtoone’sjobshouldnotbemeasured

byhowlateoneworks

orhowoftenoneforgoesavacation

butbyhoweffectivelyoneworksand

whatkindofcontributiononemakestothebusiness.

Peopleoftenhaveunrealisticexpectations

ofthesuccessoftheirfirstbook,album,orshow.

Justasthereisnoeffectwithoutacause,

successdoesn’tcomeaboutbyluckalone,

withoutyearsofpreparationandhardwork.

Itisnotalwaysagoodthingtogetwhatyouwant.

Ifeverythinghappensthewayyouwant,

itiseasytobecomelazyandarrogant.

Youmayalsolosetheabilitytoempathizewithpeoplehavingdifficulties.

Perhapsanyhardshipyoumayexperienceisanimportantlifelesson.

Ajockeydoesnotwhipastandinghorse.

Ajockeywhipsonlyarunninghorse.

Whenyourteacherreprimandsyou,

learntoacceptitgracefully.

Sheisdoingitbecauseshecares.

Shebelievesyoucandobetter.

Yourfreedomismoreimportantthanmoney.

Itisbettertolivethekindoflifeyouwant

thantoearnmoreandbeconstrained.

Don’tsellyourfreedom.

Ifsomeoneurgesyoutofollowhispathforsuccess

butitisnotwhatyourheartdesires,

thenlistentoyourheart

beforeitistoolate.

Thevaguestandleasteffectivestatement:

“Iwillhavewhatever.”

Somepeoplewouldliketohavealltheirdecisionsmadeforthem—

hencetheopportunityforcharismaticcultleaders

totakeadvantageofthem.

Nevercedethepowertomakedecisionsaboutyourlife.

TheBuddhaandJesusexistbecauseyouexist.

Youaretheownerofyourlife.

Valueyourselffirst.

Ibecameamonasticpractitioner

becauseIwantedtoknowthetruemeaningoflife.

BecauseIwantedtoawakentomytruenature.

BecauseIdidn’twanttosubjectmyself

tothemeasuresofsuccessaccordingtoothers.

BecauseIdidn’twanttomeetmydeath

afteralifetimeofstruggleformoneyandpower.

Thereisonlyonewaytobungeejump:Justleap!

Themoreyouthink,theharderitbecomes.

Overthinkingproducesonlyanxietyanddoubt.

Stopshouting,“Whatif?”andjusttakealeapoffaith.

Withoutbeingcompromisedbytheneedtogetinsomeone’sgoodgraces,

youcanstandtall,nomatterwhomyoudealwith.

Ifyouhaveledanhonorableandhonestlife,

thereisnoneedtobeafraidofspeakingthetruth.

ThegreatKoreanZenmasterKyeongbong(1892–1982)oncesaid:

“ThosewhohavenotrealizedtheirTrueSelfliveliketheblind,

unintentionallyscratchingsomeoneelse’sleg.

Ifyouwouldliketoscratchyourownleg,

firstawakentoyourTrueSelf.”

C H A P T E R E I G H T

Spirituality

Long-LostCousins

Donotjudgesothatyouwillnotbejudged.

Forinthewayyoujudge,youwillbejudged;andbyyourstandofmeasure,itwillbemeasuredtoyou.

—MATTHEW7:1–2

WHENEVERIREADtheabovebiblicalpassage,IamremindedofasimilarphilosophyintheBuddhisttraditioncalledthelawofkarma.Asmanypeopleknow,itisthelawofcauseandeffectoftendescribedsuccinctlyintheWestas,“Youreapwhatyousow,”or“Whatgoesaroundcomesaround.”Itisawonderfuladmonitionthatcompelsustoexaminetheconsequencesofourthought,speech,andbehavior.AlthoughIamaBuddhist,IhavebeendeeplyinfluencedbymanypassagesintheBible.ThefirsttimeIpickeduptheBibleforseriousstudywasincollege,formycomparativereligionclass.IlearnedaboutthehistoryofChristianityandanalyzedvariousbiblicallessons,andsoonIbegantoopenmyhearttoit.IrealizedthatTruthisnottheexclusivepropertyofanyonereligion.Ithasauniversalqualitythatallowspeopleofdifferentreligioustraditionstorecognizeandrespectit.

AbouttwoyearsagoIhadtheuniqueopportunitytovisitaruralFrenchvillagecalledTaizé,ineasternBurgundy,alongwitheldermonksfrommyBuddhistorder.ItisanecumenicalChristianmonasticcommunity,wheremonasticbrothersliveaccordingtotheBible.TaizéisfamousasaChristianpilgrimagesite,eachyearattractingmorethanahundredthousandyoungadultsfromallovertheworld.Thepilgrimsusuallyspendseveraldaysinthecommunitywhileparticipatinginmorning,midday,andeveningprayersaswellasquietreflectionandsmallgroupdiscussions.IwasalreadyfamiliarwiththeTaizécommunity’ssoul-stirringchantsandwaslookingforwardtoattendingtheirwonderfulprayerservice.

WhenwearrivedatbeautifulTaizé,thebrotherscameoutandgreeteduswarmly.Cladinwhiterobes,theyhadgentlesmilesandapeacefulpresence,almostasiftheywereangelsincarnated.Ourlightgraymonasticrobeslookedquitesimilartotheirwhiteones,anditwasasifwehadbecomeonelargefamily.Thebrothersgaveusatourofthecommunityand,toofficiallywelcomeus,chanted“ConfiteminiDomino”—oneofthemostbeautifulsongsI’veheardinmylife.Wewereinvitedtotheirlivingquartersandhada

nicechatfollowedbymiddayprayersintheChurchofReconciliation.ThemoretimewespentinTaizé,themoreIcouldseethesimilaritiestoBuddhistmonasticliving.ThebrothersspenthoursinsilentprayerasawaytoturntheirattentiontoGodwithin,notunlikeoursilentmeditationpractice.AnothersimilaritywasthatthebrothersworearingtosignifytheirvowstoGod;monksfrommyorder“wear”asmallincenseburnonourleftarmwhenwereceiveourfullprecepts.

Somemaythinkthatlifeinsuchacommunityisrepressed,strict,anddifficult,butthatisnotthecase.Amonasticlifeischaracterizedbysimplebeautyandunexpectedjoy.Monksfindhappinessinthingsthatmayseemtrivialtothosewhopursuethematerialtrappingsofsuccess.Watchingtheseasonschange—theblossomingofthemagnolias,thedazzlingfallfoliage,thefirstsnowfall—bringsindescribablejoyandgratitude.Asimplemealmadewithfreshingredientsfromthenearbymountainsisasourceofgreatcontentment.Becauseourmonasticbrothersareourfriends,teachers,andfamily,weareneverlonely.

Atlunchwewerepresented,toourcompletesurprise,withkimchi.Weweretoldthatthebrothershadgatheredafewdaysbeforeourarrivaltomakeitthemselves.Weweresomovedbytheirhospitalityanddidnotknowhowtoreciprocate.Althoughwewerefromadifferentreligionandcountry,theywelcomeduswithconsiderationandlove.WhenweleftTaizé,wefeltasthoughwe’djustvisitedourlong-lostcousins.IknewIwouldcherishthisbondfortherestofmylife.Evennow,whenIseeoneoftheeldermonkswhovisitedTaizéwithme,wefondlyrecalleatingthebrothers’kimchiwithbaguettes.

“Howshouldweconsideradifferentspiritualpath?

Weshallapproachitwithhumility

aswellasawillingnesstolearnaboutanothertradition.

Ifourfaithcanbeshaken

frommerelylearningaboutadifferenttradition,

thenthatfaithisnotworthkeeping.”

—REVERENDDR.KANGWONYONG(1917–2006)

Justasmyfaithispreciousandsignificanttome,

wouldn’titbethesameforpeopleofotherfaiths?

Justasmymotherisdearandimportanttome,

wouldn’tthisbethecaseformyneighborandhismother?

Maypeopleknowhowtodifferentiatebetween

thecertaintyofone’sfaithandthefollyofattackingotherfaiths.

Mayfaithneverbecomeanideologicalweapontojustifyviolence.

IfJesus,Buddha,andConfuciuswereallaliveandgatheredinthesameplace,

wouldtheyargueoverwhoisright?

Orwouldtheyrespectandadmireoneanother’steachings?

Religiousconflictcanoftenbeblamed

notonthefoundersofreligions

butontheirfanaticalfollowers.

“Thepurposeofreligionistocontrolyourself,nottocriticizeothers.

HowmuchamIdoingaboutmyanger,attachment,hatred,pride,andjealousy?

Thesearethethingswemustcheckinourdailylives.”

—HISHOLINESS,THEDALAILAMA

Iftheessenceisforgotten,ritualtakesover.

Whenritualdominatesspiritualpractice,

ouroutwardappearancesbecomemoreimportantthanourinnerexperience.

Forinstance,ifyoumeditateinthehopeofenlightenment,

howlongandwithwhomyoumeditateisnotasimportantas

howyourpracticehaschangedyourheartandyourrelationships.

AccordingtoProfessorKang-NamOh,

thefaithfulcanbedividedroughlyintotwogroups:

peopleof“surfacefaith”andpeopleof“in-depthfaith.”

Thesurfacefaithfulareboundbyspiritualsymbols;

theyoftendisputethespiritualsymbolsofotherfaiths.

Thein-depthfaithfulunderstandmeaningsdeeperthanthesymbols.

Theycanfindsimilarmeaningsinthesymbolismofdiversespiritualtraditions,

andharmonyamongsuchtraditions.

“Heretic”isaloadedterm.

Ithasbeenslappedonanybelieforpractice

thatdoesn’tconformtothedominantspiritualbeliefofanera.

Ifyouarecallingaspiritualpathheretical,rememberthat

yourswasonceconsideredassuchwhenitfirststarted.

“Hewhoknowsonlyonereligionknowsnone.”

—MAXMÜLLER(1823–1900),

GERMANSCHOLAROFCOMPARATIVELANGUAGE,RELIGION,ANDMYTHOLOGY

Ignoranceofotherspiritualpathscombinedwithfear

cangiverisetoreligiouspersecutionandviolence.

Majorwisdomtraditionsaroundtheworldteach

humility,love,andforbearance.

Nothingbadwillcomeoflearningaboutthem.

Youcanadmireaspiritualleaderbutneveridolizehim.

Blindfaithintheleadercaneasilyreduceyoutoactinglikeachild,

handingoveryourpowerandaskingtheleadertodothingsforyou.

Medicinecanbeprescribed,butitmustbeyouwhotakesit.

Aspiritualleaderisafingerpointingatthemoon.

Ifthefingerattemptstobecomethemoon,

thiscanleadtoagravesin.

Wemustcultivateallthreeintelligencesforouroverallhealth:

criticalintelligence,emotionalintelligence,andspiritualintelligence.

Ifonefallstothewayside,itslowsthegrowthoftheothertwo.

Ifyouhavedevelopedcriticalintelligencebutneglectedemotionalintelligence,

thenyoumaynotbesensitivetothesufferingofothers.

Ifyouhavedevelopedemotionalintelligencebutneglectedspiritualintelligence,

thenyoumaylosehopeafterseeingtheworld’ssuffering.

Ifyouhavedevelopedspiritualintelligencebutneglectedcriticalintelligence,

thenyoumayfallvictimtotheabuseofacult.

Whateverthecircumstances,donotfeelinferior.

RememberthatGodhascreatedyouinHisdivineimage.

YouarethemostpreciousdaughterorsonofGod.

YouarealsotheBuddha,evenifyouhavenotrealizedityet.

YouhavethesameBuddhanatureasallbuddhasintheuniverse.

Donotallowanyonetomakeyoufeellessthanthat.

Faithisovervaluedwhilepracticeisundervalued.

Ifweemphasizefaithoverpractice,

spiritualityremainsideology,creatingtheologicalconflicts.

Butifwefocusoncarryingouttheteachingsinouractuallives,

werealizethatthelovetaughtbyJesus

isnodifferentfromthecompassiontaughtbytheBuddha.

Ifyouwishforpeaceamongdifferentspiritualpaths,

thenpracticewhatyoupreach.

ThreeBibleversesIcherish:

“Ineverything,therefore,treatpeoplethesamewayyouwantthemtotreatyou,

forthisistheLawandtheProphets.”

—MATTHEW7:12

“NoteveryonewhosaystoMe,‘Lord,Lord,’willenterthekingdomofheaven,

buthewhodoesthewillofMyFatherwhoisinheavenwillenter.”

—MATTHEW7:21

“TrulyIsaytoyou,totheextentthatyoudidittooneofthesebrothersofMine,

eventheleastofthem,youdidittoMe.”

—MATTHEW25:40

TwoSpiritualPathsinOneFamily

Whenyourspiritualpathisdifferentfromthatofyourfiancé,whenyoursiblingstrytoconvertyoutotheirnewfaith,whenyourchilddecidestofollowadifferentpath,thiscancreatetension,awkwardness,andstress.Disagreementsandargumentscanerupt,andallofasuddenyoufindyourselfnegotiatinghowtocarryoutafuneral,wedding,religiousholiday.

Itisironicthatspiritualitycanbecomeasourceofconflictwhenitsteachingsareoftenaboutloveandreconciliation.Forthosehavingproblemswithtwospiritualpathsinonefamily,Iwouldliketoofferthisadvice.

Aboveall,pleaseunderstandthatwhatmakesyoufeeltenseandawkwardisnotthespiritualityitselfbutthepressurefromyourfamilytoconform.Youmayresenttheircoercivenessandself-righteousness.Youmayfeeltheirspiritualpathisstrangeandunorthodox.

Agoodremedytoasituationlikethisistolearnmoreabouttheotherspiritualpath.Findabookbyarespectedmemberofthatpathandstudyit.Ifyouareopen-mindedandwillingtolearn,thenyouwillsoondiscoversomeaspectsofthatpathresonatingwithyours.Althoughtheouterspiritualsymbolsaredifferent,themeaningbehindthemmaysoundoddlyfamiliartoyou.

Youcanalsoreadabiographyofagreatspiritualteacherinthattradition,suchasMahatmaGandhi,MartinLutherKingJr.,MotherTeresa,ortheDalaiLama.Asyoulearnmoreabouttheirlivesandfaiths,youwillbeabletoappreciatetheircourageandcometorespecttheirpath.Thischangeofattitudewillpositivelyinfluencethefamilydynamic.Althoughyoucannotcontrolhowyourfamilyfeelsaboutyourpath,atleastyouwillnolongerfeeluneasyabouttheirs.

Butifyourfamilycontinuestobenarrow-mindedandtoshowdisrespect,thenspeakupconfidentlyandeducatethem.Tellthemthegreatleadersoftheirpathdidnotactthatway.MartinLutherKingJr.andThichNhatHanhrespectedeachother;ThomasMertonandtheDalaiLamaweregoodfriends.

Thosewhounderstanddeepermeaningsbeyondthesurfaceandwhotrytoembodyhumilityandpeacealsorecognizethefamiliarinnerlightflickeringintheeyesofotherreligiousfollowers.

Whenthishappens,theybecomemorehumbleandopentothemysteriesofhumanincarnationwhilefeelingconnectedtothefragilityofhumanhearts.

Wedon’treceivemorelovefromGodbyaskingforit.

Rather,weawakentothetruththatGodhasalwayslovedusunconditionally.

Wedon’tturnintoabuddhabystrivingforit.

Rather,weawakentothetruththatwehavebeenbuddhasallalong.

Inthebeginning,ourprayertakestheshapeof,

“Pleasegrantmethis,pleasegrantmethat,”

andthendevelopsinto,“Thankyouforeverything,”

andthenmaturesinto,“Iwanttoresembleyou.”

Eventuallyittranscendslanguage,

andwepraywithourwholebeinginsacredsilence.

Asmyprayerdeepens,

IhearmoreofHisvoicethanmywords.

Asmyhumilitygrows,

IfeelmoreofHisloveoverflowinginmyheart.

Asmymindquietsdown,

IsensemoreofHispresenceineverymoment.

Asyourfaithandspiritualpracticedeepen,

thesenseofaseparateselforegodiminishes,

leavingmoreroomfordivinitytofillyourheart.

Ifyouhaveprayedmostlytobenefityourself,

thenshiftgearsandtryprayingtogiveupsomeofyourcontrol.

Ifyouhavebeenprayinglikethis—

“Pleasegrantmethis.Ireallyneedthistohappen”—

thentrytopraythiswayaswell—

“EnlargemyhearttoholdandacceptthethingsIcannot.”

DonotbargainwithGod,Buddha,oranydivinebeing

togiveyouwhatyouwantinexchangeformaterialofferings.

Ifyoudonotknowhowtosolveaprobleminyourlife,giveprayeratry.

Asyoubringyourattentioninwardandsincerelyseekananswer,

somethingsacredwithinyouunlocksthedoorofinnerwisdom.

Ifyouaredesperatelylookingtomeetsomeonespecial,

sendyourprayerouttotheuniverse.

Theuniverseisanamazingmatchmaker.

Monasticscanprayformanyyearsbecause

theirprayersofhappinessforothersmakethemhappy.

AsIpreparetoofficiateatmyfriend’swedding,Ibecomejoyous.

Forunenlightenedpeople,noteverydayisagoodday,

becausetheyfeelhappyonlywhenthingshappenthewaytheywantthemto.

Forenlightenedpeople,everysingledayisagoodday,

becausetheyfeelfreeknowingthatnothingcantakeawaytheirwisdom.

Whenanunenlightenedpersondoesgood,hetriestoleavehismark.

Whenanenlightenedpersondoesgood,heleavesnomarks.

Theholierapersonis,

themorelikelyitisthatshedescribesherselfasasinner.

Thisisbecauseshedoesn’tlietoherself.

“Thesaintsarewhattheyare

notbecausetheirsanctitymakesthemadmirabletoothers

butbecausethegiftofsainthoodmakesitpossibleforthemtoadmireeverybodyelse.”

—THOMASMERTON*

Clergyandteacherstendtobeverbose,

andolderclergyandteachersevenmoreso.

IhopeIdon’tbecomethatpersonwhotalksendlessly

withoutnoticinghowthepersoninfrontofmefeels.

Itisasignofgreatspiritualstrength

tokeepsomeoneelse’ssecret.

“Whenaministerpreaches,hemustpreach

notonlytothecongregationbutalsotohimself.”

—REVERENDHONGJEONG-GIL

AccordingtoCardinalNicolasCheongJin-suk,

“Thereisnorecordofthebiblicalstoryofonefishmultiplyingtotwoorthree.

Thereisalsonorecordoffishfallingfromthesky.

Whatprobablyhappenedwasthatpeopletookouttheirlunches

andsharedtheirfoodwithothersafterlisteningtoJesus’movingprayer.”

Amiracleisnotjustanotherworldlyphenomenontranscendingthelawsofnature.

Lettinggoofself-centerednessandopeningone’shearttoothers

arejustasmiraculous.

ThereisasimplewaytotesttheveracityoftheBuddha’steachings.

Findthemostcomfortableposture.

Remaininthatpostureforthirtyminutes.

Themostcomfortableposturesoonbecomesthemostuncomfortable.

Everythingisimpermanent,includingtheworld’smostcomfortableposture.

Donotforceyourselfonaspiritualpath.

Letitsteachingsgentlyopenyourheartandleadyou.

Likesaltgraduallydissolvinginwater,lettheteachingsdissolveinyourheart.

E P I L O G U E

YourOriginalFaceWhenyouaresobusythatyoufeelperpetuallychased,whenworryingthoughtscircleyourhead,whenthefutureseemsdarkanduncertain,whenyouarehurtbywhatsomeonehassaid,slowdown,evenifonlyforamoment.Bringallofyourawarenessintothepresentandtakeadeepbreath.

Whatdoyouhear?Whatdoesyourbodyfeel?Whatdoestheskylooklike?

Onlywhenweslowdowncanwefinallyseeclearlyourrelationships,ourthoughts,ourpain.Asweslowdown,wearenolongertangledinthem.Wecanstepoutandappreciatethemforwhattheyare.

Thefacesofourfamilyandcolleagueswhoalwayshelp,thescenerythatwepassbyeverydaybutfailtonotice,ourfriends’storiesthatwefailtopayattentionto—inthestillnessofthepause,theentiretyofourbeingisquietlyrevealed.

Wisdomisnotsomethingwehavetostrivetoacquire.Rather,itarisesnaturallyasweslowdownandnoticewhatisalreadythere.

Aswenoticemoreandmoreinthepresentmoment,wecometoadeeperrealizationthatasilentobserveriswithinus.Intheprimordialstillness,thesilentobserverwitnesseseverythinginsideandoutside.

Befriendthesilentobserver.Findoutwhereitis,andwhatshapeithasassumed.Donottrytoimagineitassomethingyoualreadyknow.Letallyourthoughtsandimagesmergebackintosilenceandjustsensetheobserveralreadythereinsilence.

Ifyouseethefaceofthesilentobserver,thenyouhavefoundyouroriginalface,frombeforeyouwereborn.

*GilFronsdal,translator,TheDhammapada:ANewTranslationoftheBuddhistClassicwithAnnotations(Boulder:Shambhala,2011).

*QuotefromtheDalaiLama’sJuly11,2011,tweet,https://twitter.com/DalaiLama/status/90351201736065024.

*VirginiaHilu,editorandarranger,BelovedProphet:TheLoveLettersofKahlilGibranandMaryHaskellandHerPrivateJournal(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1972).

*KahlilGibran,TheProphet(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1967).

*Gibran,TheProphet.

*Gibran,TheProphet.

*TaroGold,OpenYourMind,OpenYourLife:ABookofEasternWisdom(KansasCity,MO:AndrewsMcMeel,2002).

*ThomasMerton,NewSeedsofContemplation(NewYork:NewDirections,2007).

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