the tale of the madcatwoman - louisasgingernuts.co.uk...naughtier cats would sneak whoopee cushions...

The Tale of the MadCatWoman

Written and Illustrated

By Peter Brighouse

TALE OF THE MADCATWOMAN

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There was once a woman, of indeterminate age, called Elsie, although we shall refer to her as the #MadCatWoman. Her neighbours, who thought she must be slightly mad, referred to her as Elsie 25 Cats, since together with her questionable age, there were also a variable, unaccountable number of cats. Whenever asked she would always say, “about 25, at the last count!”


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The #MadCatWoman devoted her life and resources to her cats, and they, in return, would do anything for her. Whenever friends came to call, they often mistook sleeping cats for cushions, and some of the naughtier cats would sneak whoopee cushions under someone just as they were about to sit down.


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The #MadCatWoman believed that fresh air and exercise were good for felines as well as humans and arranged a cat rota, based upon who she thought should come out to the shops and parks with her. Actually, the cats compliance with this rota, in reality, was that those not paying attention, or who were fast asleep, were the ones to be grabbed.


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Whenever the MadCatWoman needed to travel further afield, she would encourage volunteers to take comfortable advantage of the copious pannier bags that had compartments for purchases along with lower parts lined with cushions. This proved most attractive particularly since she cleaned out any fur debris at regular intervals.


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There were some most convivial coffee houses and little bars she knew that welcomed pets, usually dogs (on leads and well-behaved, obviously) and certain cats who were quite happy in a “Cat Cafe” environment, and, on their harnesses, were happy to settle on the cushions provided. These cats tended to be the street-wise fellows who, as strays, had learned the hard way, to survive the harsh predicaments of life, and generally to go with the flow.


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Author’s note: if you are good at internet searches, use the names on the bags to locate a delightful set of bars, one in West Didsbury, Manchester and one in Knutsford, Cheshire. They do a nice line in local jazz, which cool cats always enjoy!


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When her own cats could not be cajoled to accompany her, she had devised methods, often employing tasty fish hanging from poles, to encourage any new strays to check into her cat hotel. She hoped that itinerant Polecats would not attempt to join in, on the grounds that Mustelids and Felidae do not easily tolerate each other.

Several acrobatic cats learnt how to hang on to the pole and practiced parallel bars procedures.


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The cats hated it, when a friend called out to her and she turned quickly.


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She loved to wear chequered coat patterns, along the harlequin style, and if a cat could be encouraged to wear something similar, then so much the better.

Naturally, there was a hessian bag to match the occasion.


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The #MadCatWoman had lots of ginger cats. And if their friends, especially harlequin patterned ones, could be encouraged to join the troupe, she would play an attractive tune upon her clarinet (she was an accomplished player) and lead them round the neighbourhood. See if you can recognise the tune being played in this picture:

Wedding Day might just be a clue!


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Some of the cats even became fluent with a few musical phrases of their own and played them upon cat-sized instruments.

Some of the tunes they loved trying to play, included selections from Old Possum’s “Cats”, especially “Mungojerrie and RumpleTeazer”.

Whenever the MadCatWoman ventured into areas unknown, all cats were kept on tight leads and she would carry a suitable flag, warning newcomers of their approach.


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She had a dear German friend, who, I am afraid, would employ her own cats to help push start her ancient Heinkel bubble car which often proved difficult to drive, and was in need of a complete rebuild.


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Whenever her scarves were in the wash, the MadCatWoman easily devised replacements. Since the empty Pussypaws pouches fluttered readily in the breeze (particularly when she moved at top speed), the occasional scent of missed meals would attract potential recruits to her troupe.

There was more than one cat, trained to use the whoopee cushion and hilarious results often ensued.


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I am afraid to say, that dressing up with her friends was a regular feature, and around Halloween, cats were encouraged to sit on broomsticks and join in the cackling around the cooking pot!


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Another kind friend was the MadDuckWoman, often seen in local parks, the ones with duck ponds, offering nutritious seeds and tidbits that she knew were particularly good for ducks, geese, swans, moorhens and coots. The cats thought this was rather funny since the ducks showed little fear of the cats, and only fluttered away when large, noisy dogs approached.


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The MadDuckWoman had a cousin who lived in the Lake District; she had a much wider choice of waterways, lakes and tarns. Her particular favourite was Tarn Hows, which I hope you’ll be pleased to know, features in another story!


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Link details for Louisa’s Ginger Nuts Cat Books

We have online shops in various places, all of which should be searchable from Google or your favourite

search engine. You can use my name, Peter Brighouse

Squimps MrSquimpsCatShop

MrSquimpsCardShop MrSquimpsShop

www.louisasgingernuts.co.uk and hopefully find stuff to browse on

eBay Etsy

Zazzle ArtPal

ArtFinder The “stuff” includes greetings cards, books, prints,

originals together with fascinating collections of diecast toys including Matchbox Lesney, Dinky,

Corgi and etc

http://www.louisasgingernuts.co.uk/


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the tale of the madcatwoman - louisasgingernuts.co.uk...naughtier cats would sneak whoopee cushions...

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