the seven habits of highly compatible couples
DESCRIPTION
This is the original version of my Book. A humorous take on the Seven Habits books for Relationships.TRANSCRIPT
The Seven Habits of Highly Compatible Couples
by Michael McKee
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Dedication
This book is dedicated toall girlfriends and wives past,
present and future without whomnone of this would have been necessary.
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All men are different, but in exactly the same way.- Sintheya Segue (Exotic Dancer)
Women are the same in that they are all different.- T'zu Li (Buddhist Monk)
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Prologue
To Begin at the Beginning
My first real experience with a woman was in the 6th grade. I had a girlfriend named
Yvonne. She was my girlfriend because we had kissed several weeks earlier during a
game of spin the bottle in her parent’s garage. At some point Yvonne came down with a
case of the chicken pox and was out for a week or so. When she returned I was surprised
to see the small faded red marks on her face, remnants of the pox. Rather than being the
consoling boyfriend I should have been I, for whatever innocently playful reason, called
her “spot”. She proceeded to grab me by the hair and beat the crap out of me in front of
the entire class. Kinda poetic, isn't it? Although we broke up soon after I stopped
bleeding, I consider that to have been one of my more successful relationships.
Successful in that individual needs, interpersonal interaction, an honest exchange of
feelings were clearly communicated by the swift administration of constructive
criticisms.
Considering the outcome of my first relationship, I have no doubt that you’re wondering
what would give me the right to write a book of this nature. What specialized training or
lucrative vocation gives me the right to convey to others what amounts to advice on
relationships? Is this not the domain of those functionaries who appear daily on network
television repairing the tattered and desiccated relationships featuring tube-topped, chain-
smoking Arkansas waitresses taking issue with their lovers and brother’s - sporting
nubbins, webbed toes, tongue studs and a surprisingly small number of teeth - because of
jealousies which have recently surfaced over a hunting dog? The answer is yes, or maybe
no...I'm sorry I forgot what I was saying.
Let me begin again. I can say that, at this point in time, I am currently in a compatible
relationship. In fact, it’s a very compatible relationship. And once she gets divorced from
her estranged husband, it will be a perfectly compatible relationship. Fortunately, I’m
here to discuss compatibility and not perfection. If it’s perfection you're searching for
there are plenty of books available on that particular subject such as; most religious
books, anything by a college professor, virtually all spiritual texts and sexual manuals.
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And while I’m on the subject, let me also state what this book is not. This is not a sex
manual. Now, having said that, some of the exercises described in here could be
considered foreplay. So for those of you who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of
thing you’ll like. Bottom line is that, you’re likely find little to drool over within this
book, other than some of my saucier stories which took place way back when I was
young, foolish and randy as a stoat!
I have, over the years, been in about a dozen real relationships. Here I’m defining a real
relationship as one in which her stuff is in your bathroom. In each of my previous
relationships, as well as my current one with a married woman, I have learned many
important lessons. A veritable bucket-load of wisdom it is which I’ve decided to share. It
is the compilation, correlation and distillation of these lessons which is contained within
the Seven Habits described herein.
As well as an overview of each of the habits I have also provided a number of exercises
which have been created in order to help in adopting these habits. That’s right, this book
is about adopting new habits. Replacing old habits with new habits. Is that going to be
fun or what? Actually, many of the exercises are simply things to think about and
consider. No real effort to be expended other than in contemplative reflection. An
opportunity to see things in a new way or to think about things differently as it were.
Some of the habits, however, will require quite the nasty expenditure of both time and
energy.
What’s it all about, Alfie?
So, what is the goal of this book? I wrote this book initially as a 'Relationship Field
Guide' for Guys. Sort of an outdoor survival guide, but for relationships rather than the
Brazilian jungle (which is equally frightening, but far less dangerous). Within those
original pages, men could learn such useful skills such as; how to spot the elusive signs
of a developing relationship, how best to weasel out of going to a chick-flick, and how to
survive when lost in the Woman’s Wear section of Nordstrom’s. That guide was simply
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intended to convey useful information so that men would not need to reinvent the wheel.
This would allow others to avoid pitfalls into which I have taken the proverbial tumble
during past relationships. Or at the very least, to give men an idea of what to expect.
Standing on the feet of Giants – isn’t that what they say?
What this has evolved into over time, however, is a bucket-full of useful information as
well as a variety of exercises designed to demonstrate to both sexes, men mostly, how
people can learn to work together toward compatible relationships. So, what does it mean
to be in a compatible relationship? There are many, many definitions available so choose
your favorite. Here’s one of my favorites; A compatible relationship is one in which both
people are truly happy, have a great deal of respect for one another, enjoy and look
forward to the time they spend together, have interests in common, and good
communication with one another. Oh yes, and of course, a great sex life is imperative.
Say what you want, I got all the friends I need.
Who helped, and why.
Once I had completed the first draft of this book I showed it to my sweetie who was kind
enough to proof read it for me. Upon completion she promptly called me an idiot and
further stated that I knew absolutely nothing about women, nor men for that matter.
Well, you can imagine that I was fairly pissed at that point, having put so much time and
effort into this book. However taking my own advice, I smiled and simply said to her,
“OK, then you’re welcome to change what you think is incorrect.” And, God help me,
over the next two weeks she did. So, although she refuses to be added as a co-author
(“I’m not getting near that train wreck”, were, I believe, her exact words), I decided to
dedicated this book to her - more or less. I did make several minor updates after her
rather extensive edit, but most of what she had changed has been left untouched.
Each of the sections in this book contains one of the Seven Habits. Each of these habits
contains two different parts, one meant specifically for the male in the relationship, one
for the female. The text at the beginning is for both; for “all y’all” as my Dad would say.
I’ll not make any assumptions as to the make-up of your particular relationship, other
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than to say that, typically, the yin & yang energies tend to somehow define themselves
within each partnership. So, given this I will refer to these energies as male and female
(or men and women) since I suspect those of you in relationships have already decided
which energy belongs to whom. If it’s still not clear let me put it this way: Basically, one
person watches Monday night football and drinks beer while the other does the dishes
and then crochets. It’s up to you to decide who’s who. So, you are hereby warned to only
read the gender-specific section which belongs to you.
Now, if you do choose to read the text of an inappropriate gender, then don’t blame me if
you don’t like what you read - I told you not to do so in the first place. There’s a reason
for each section being very gender-specific. I know it’s not an easy concept to
understand, but information concerning the opposite sex is processed and understood
differently by men and women. But why should this information be any different? Pretty
much everything is processed and understood differently by men and women. And it’s
because of this fact that the gender-specific sections have been written with your mind in
mind.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Let’s get right to it, shall we. From my perspective, typically, woman are a bit better at
relationships than men. Come on guys, we have to admit at some level that they often do
the lions share of work when it comes to the care and feeding of the relationship. This is
not meant to imply that women need not work on improving their relationship skills as
well, but simply that most of the exercises will necessarily be directed toward the men.
Within this book are a number of exercises which anyone can do if desired. They have
been designed to help in communication and understanding within the context of a
relationship. Some are just things to think about, no real homework you have to turn in.
But, of course, before we begin anything we must deal with the Disclaimer. Anytime you
do anything these days you need a Disclaimer. I wonder what the Disclaimers for those
stupid reality TV shows look like? You know, those shows where they dump a frightened
load of people, whose idea of the wilderness is a vacant lot, onto some God-forsaken
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island to see what happens. If you ask me they should do it right and put eight random
people in a life raft in the middle of the ocean for a month. They would each have only a
quart of water, six small packets of catsup and a fork. Let’s just see what happens now!
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Disclaimer
The first thing I want to make clear is that there are many generalizations within the text
of this book. Of course, these generalizations may or may not be relevant to you and your
situation. Many men and women will exhibit few of the traits I discuss, while others may
demonstrate many of them. Just want y’all to know that I’m often just talking about the
average man or woman, not anyone in particular. You folks out there reading this are, no
doubt, way above average. Yeah, way above.
If you’re already in a relationship, and you’re a man, then you’ve likely already screwed-
up somewhere along the way. If, however, you have not screwed-up then a hearty
congratulations is in order. You, wise sir, may find some interesting tidbits within these
humble pages, but if you’re doing fine on your own you probably don’t need anyone else
telling you what you should or should not be doing. That’s your woman’s job. If,
however, you have already screwed-up then depending upon what it was you’ve done
there might be little hope of your regaining any love or respect she may have, at one
time, had for you. If, in fact, you have lost her respect then you best get-your-shit-n-get
because it’s likely to get much worse. If you’ve lost her love then you best get a fire
extinguisher because your stuff may be burning on the front lawn.
A quick note about the exercises: Many of them are just things to ponder and think about.
No actual effort is required on your part, unless you consider pondering to be an
expenditure of effort. A piece of advice before you give this stuff a try though; don’t
bother with any of this unless you’re truly in love with your partner. Some of these
exercises require significant investment of time and energy which could, in my opinion,
be better directed toward finding someone with whom you are in love. Might sound
cruel, but it’s much better for you as well as your partner to be up-front and honest about
this. If it’s not right, then don’t spend time trying to make it right; get up, get out and get
on with your life.
Also, if kids are in the equation then that throws a bit of a spanner into the works. Kids
require attention - lots of attention. A relationship between two or more committed adults
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also requires a great deal of attention. In my opinion, you can realistically do only one or
the other successfully. This is why, I believe, many problems tend to rise to the surface
once children enter into the relationship. If this is the case, then these exercises may be
even more important. Learning to relate to one another in a caring and supportive fashion
is imperative if you parents are going to get through those difficult child-rearing years
with your sanity and relationship in tact. Not to mention your responsibility to society for
not sending out into it yet another maniacal nutcase. Like we need more.
Anyway, bottom line is I make neither claims nor guarantees concerning the efficacy of
the exercises or the accuracy of the information contained herein. Also, any similarity
between any of the characters in the stories contained herein and real persons living or
dead is purely coincidental. That is unless I happen to use their real names and the story
did, in fact, happen to them. Then it’s not such a coincidence is it? So, you are hereby
warned.
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Beware
Here, there bee Dragones
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The Habits
Once I had decided to write this book many years ago, I knew that I needed to get away
from all of the people I knew and all of the influences that influenced me. I needed to get
away from all of that so that I could clear my mind and focus upon the basis of this book:
Relationships. So, I went camping to clear my mind. I had no preconceived notions about
the contents of this book other than to relate what I had learned up to that point in my
life: Women are complicated, men are simple.
And so it came to me at some point during my mind-clearing activities that much of what
we do, particularly in relationships, is simply out of habit. What I mean is that we don’t
usually put a great deal of thought into our daily activities; making toast, doing the
laundry, picking the crap out of our toe nails. And so too with the things we do in our
relationships. I think that the manner in which we treat one another tend to become just
another one of our daily activities - just another set of habits we get into and with which
we become familiar.
OK, so what exactly are habits? Being that I’m not a lexicographer, we’ll need to consult
the professionals on this matter. My trusty dictionary says here that a habit is a “Settled
or regular tendency or practice that is hard to give-up.” Interesting, a practice that is hard
to give-up. Does it have to be hard to give up? What if it were something easy to give-
up? Is any habit easy to give-up? I can’t think of any, except for the habit I once had of
calling my wife by the name of an ex-girlfriend. That unfortunate habit was finally
broken early one evening along with two of my toes.
Maybe that should be the definition; a habit is something that's not easy to give-up. For
example, cigarettes. Are cigarettes a habit because they’re hard to give-up or because
they’re just so damn yummy? And what about unusual cases, such as people who eat
dirt? Yes indeed, a medically recognized condition causes some folks to just want to up
and eat soil. But apparently that’s not really considered a habit, more of a “unique
personality trait”, it says here in this personals ad. So, it’s not really clear, is it? What
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about eating in general - a habit? I’d say so. Wouldn’t want to mess with that habit,
would we?
What about things that don’t really make a difference, like changing the hand you brush
your teeth with? That’s a hard habit to break - try it if you don’t think so. But is that
really a habit or a handedness trait? I think a habit can also be something that you do just
because there’s no reason or motivation to change. Like the way you dry yourself off
with a towel after a shower, or tie your shoe laces. You probably do it the same way each
time because there’s no reason to do it differently, but now that you’ve done it the same
way for so long these habits would be very difficult to change.
These are really the sorts of habits I guess I had in mind when writing this book. The
sorts of things that we do in relationships, not really conscientiously, just sort of out of
habit. The stuff that we do because we got into the habit of doing it without really
knowing, or usually caring why. I think that almost everyone has a tendency to fall into
these types of habits when it comes to relationships to some extent. Men, I think, seem
more likely to exhibit these tendencies than women.
So it stands to reason that some of the relationship-related habits we, both men and
women, fall into would be acceptable to your partner (putting the toilet seat down,
pronouncing her parents names correctly) while others would not (explaining to the in-
laws how their political views are a joke while clipping your toenails at the dinner table).
So, given the possibility that some (or all) of your habits might be unacceptable to your
partner, we may want to consider modifying one or more of our habits which we’d
always thought uniquely define us.
Now when anybody talks about changing people’s habits we Americans look for the easy
way toward enlightenment. Something along the lines of a patch or gum or maybe even a
suppository to cure what ails us would be more in keeping with what we had in mind.
Anything actually involving the expenditure of effort exceeding that of pressing of a
button or walking to the refrigerator would likely not be a big winner here in the US. So,
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maybe we can make this easy. What about, rather than going to all of the trouble of
removing a habit, we simply replace it with a different one?
Why exactly would a person want to replace one habit, with another? Well, ask any
woman responsible for the care and feeding of a man and I have no doubt that she will
have some very specific opinions concerning those habits she would like to have him
change or adopt. Now whether or not he decides to adopt said good habits are anyone’s
guess - my guess is he won’t. I’m not saying that a man can’t change, I’m just saying that
the odds are he probably won’t. It is said that change starts from within, but like a store
dedicated solely to moisturizers, creams, lotions, notions, potions and cosmetics, we men
don’t go there.
Now, let’s say for the sake of argument that a man has some interest in wanting to
change a habit. To exchange a bad habit with a good one. How would someone go about
doing this? That's where the exercises can be helpful. They can aid in understanding why
we do the things we do and how we can change them. So, of course, the question remains
as to just exactly why we do the things we do in the first place? I asked everyone and
obviously nobody knows so, as a result, my best guess about why we do the things that
we do has been boiled down into one of the following four reasons:
It feels good
It doesn’t hurt
It pisses someone off
I don’t know
So, there you are. All of the answers to any question you may have concerning human
habits and their nature. Well, OK, so I could have spent more time on the analysis part of
this effort, but I think that you get the idea by now. And so I present to you, the
remainder of this book and the Seven Habits contained herein. While that may seem
unnecessarily trite, it’s actually politely curt.
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Habit #1
Try To Be AsProactive As Possible
You are no doubt asking yourself: Why should I be proactive? What does proactive
mean? How can he read my thoughts? How do I make the voice in my head talk? All
good questions worthy of my admiration and attention. First of all, proactive simply
means “taking the initiative”. That is doing something which you know needs to be done,
or you should know needs to be done, without having to be told to do it. This can range
from the simple (taking out the trash when overflowing, washing the dishes when dirty,
taking her out to dinner when bloated) to the very complex (somehow sensing that she's
going to need a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food as well as someone to listen to her
about the bitch at work who’s trying to ruin her life, when she gets home).
So, getting back to being proactive. Women appear to be proactive by nature, they are
always thinking ahead. It doesn’t seem to matter if it's birthdays, anniversaries, or
planning the entire day around kids, meals and a crisis or two, women are always one
step ahead. This is in stark contrast to men who, left to their own devices, would live like
a wild animal with a credit card; ordering pizza when hungry and maybe remembering to
wash on occasion. This is not a pretty picture as a man buying a 6-pack of beer for the
evening, is about as proactive as most men get. So for this habit we have quite a few
exercises for the men and only three for the women.
* Men *
The following exercises are geared toward understanding of those things which you can
do so as to appear that you are being proactive. Notice I say “appear”. I don’t expect you
to get carried away with a great deal of effort here. Still, some of you men may be
wondering why being proactive is so important, I’ll tell you. It’s because women expect
you to be psychic. Did you know that? They believe that you have the ability to read
their minds. They won’t actually come out and say it and may not, in fact, realize it
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themselves; but on occasion there will be the unspoken expectation that you have psychic
powers. She also believes that not only do you possess these powers, but often utilize
them poorly.
Guys, we must deal with this head on. We must stand firm and let them, our women,
know in no uncertain terms that we’re not simply going to allow ourselves to be treated
in this manner. And then we’ll say “yes dear” and do our best to become psychic. I can
hear the women who have just read this, even though I said they shouldn’t, saying, “I do
not expect guys to be psychic.” Well, ladies, I respectfully disagree. I think you do and
so decided to prove it. I took a poll and asked, “Do women, on occasion and without
actually meaning to, expect men to be psychic?” On this the women [my mom, my sister
and a cashier at the market] all said, “No, we don’t expect men to be psychic and what
the hell is wrong with you asking a question like that anyway? You should know
better!” While the men who were questioned [my dad and the mailman] said that they
didn’t know what psychic meant.
So, I feel it’s pretty cut-and-dried on this one. Women, without actually meaning to or
without even realizing it, do occasionally have this expectation. And we, as men, have
little choice but to cope with this affliction. Note that my sweetie crossed out the word
“affliction” and wrote an expletive next to it, but I added it back in with the hope that
she’ll not reread this section. God help me if she does.
I can hear the men now, “OK, smart ass, I love my woman. I want to be a proactive kind
of guy. So what do I do? Maybe there’s something about it on the Discovery channel? Is
there some kind of pill I can ask my doctor about? Should I try to throw a football
through a tire? I want to get back into the swing of things too!” No, it’s unfortunately not
that simple. This is going to take some effort as this is the most difficult of the Seven
Habits to master. This will take time, but the more you learn the easier this will become.
Learn about what, you ask? Well, specifically, about your woman and your life together
(if you have one). What? Is that all there is to it? Well, no. While that’s not quite all
there is to it, this is where we get the biggest bang-for-the-buck, so it’s here where we’ll
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concentrate our efforts. There are, of course, additional subjects and activities which are
not covered within this Habit we could take on when it comes to being proactive, but
that’s more of a long-term effort. I think that if you can become proficient in these
exercises, which stress activities in and around the house, you’ll have it made. I have also
done my best to be realistic about the effort you’re likely to put into these exercises.
Now it’s time to discuss those things you can focus upon in order to begin your new
proactive habits. First, we will have some exercises to help you keep an eye on things in
and around the house which you might not normally notice. Then we’ll have some
exercises to help you keep an eye on her, who you hopefully do notice. You will soon
notice that there are a great many things to notice.
Exercise 1.1 - The Trashes
This is not a difficult one unless we take into account any of those little
bathroom or bedroom trashes. The first problem with these little trashes are
the size, they are simply too small to deal with unless you happen to be that
small. The next problem with these doll-house sized trash cans is that simply
turning them over does not, usually, dislodge the trash within. Which brings
me to my tirade with respect to these things. You have to reach your hand in
there to get the trash and you don’t know, or want to know, what the hell is
in there and more importantly what’s making it stick to the bottom of the
can.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out of my system. There are usually several
aspects to this trash issue. Typically, the woman tells the man when it’s time
to take the trash out of the house. The man, knowing exactly what to do here,
will take the trash out trailing coffee grounds and a brown liquid from the
bag. He will then place the leaking bag into a somewhat larger receptacle.
The man is solely responsible for these larger trash cans as well as the trash
bag itself. Realize that anything which should be in the garbage but is not, is
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also yours with which to deal. This may sound simple, but the problem you
will have is deciding what should be thrown away and what should not. If
you’re not sure, ask her. Better to be annoying than to be thought of as
someone who’s deliberately trying to hurt her by throwing away something
she really loved, wanted, needed, treasured, etc. The man’s only other
responsibility is to make sure that the large trash cans get out to the gutter
and back on trash day without serious incident.
As far as trying to be proactive concerning the trashes, my suggestion here
would be to simply take a look at the trash can in each room when in or
passing that room during your usual activities. Emptying the trashes on
occasion without having to be told to, however, may not get you the desired
response. Realize that her reaction could very well be, “What are you doing
you weasel. You’re wasting trash bags, that’s not full-up yet”. But if nothing
else, this new behavior of yours will keep her off-balance wondering what it
is you’re up to. If you wash out the trashcans as well it will cause your
woman to wonder who’s stolen your brain, but not enough to actually expend
the energy to find out.
Exercise 1.2 - Clothes (Part I)
Clothes are not quite as easy as they sound. At first blush, one might consider
the possibility that any article of clothing which is not in a drawer, hung on a
hanger or neatly folded on a dresser would be a good candidate for the Dirty
Clothes Hamper (we’ll get to this beastly thing in a minute). Well, this is not
the case. You, as a man, will have no idea if an article of clothing is clean or
not without first asking her. But let’s take this from the top. Don’t worry
about her stuff, you simply need to have a really good idea about your own
clothes. Make sure that she does not have to pick up [your clothes] after you.
Deal with this on your own by placing your clothes into a “Dirty Clothes
Hamper”.
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The Dirty Clothes Hamper: This is usually a brightly colored wicker thing
with a cushioned lid of some type. Don’t ask, just dump your soiled clothes
into it as soon as you take them off - preferably in the garage so you don’t
mess up the rest of the house. Be careful though, there may be different
hampers for different colored clothes and white clothes and maybe even
different material types and number of buttons per acre for all I know. It’s
just out-and-out segregation, if you ask me. I have always washed everything
together without regard for ethnicity, which is why I don’t do the laundry
any longer.
While this may be fine for a man’s clothing, it is certainly not sufficient for a
woman’s wardrobe. As far as I know neither water, sweat nor any other
liquid should ever touch any article of a woman’s clothing - which often
includes her bathing suit. These articles of clothing are likely cleaned in the
same way in which shoes are made in a cobbler’s workshop when he’s taken
ill just before an evil banker is to foreclose on his family home: Elves do it.
Exercise 1.3 - Clothes (Part II)
Unlike clothing which is simply dirty, this category of clothing includes that
which is in need of repair. This would include, but would not be limited to,
clothes having any of the following; missing buttons, any tears or rips, any
visible stains, shrinkage or stretching, puckering (I don’t know what this is),
hems coming undone, unpleated pleats, missing sequins or rhinestones, etc.
To make this easy, we can just say that if you notice anything different about
your clothing, this might be cause for concern.
This exercise will actually be easier than the first part which, I know, gave
some of you nightmares. This will be a two-step process the result of which
should be your receiving a reward of some kind for your vigilance. So, the
first step involves simply identifying the problem. This should be fairly
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straight forward as I’ve mentioned, since you simply need to notice anything
different about your clothes. While I say this should be straight forward, of
course, for a man it is not. He wouldn’t notice, for example, if his plaid pants
were properly matched with his Hawaiian shirt. This is one reason why
women are so very important. All you need to do is to have any woman (at
work, the market, wherever) look you over quickly. They are trained to spot
anything out of the ordinary.
The second, and thankfully last, step in this process is to point out the
problem or concern to your woman. This does not need to be detailed and
simply calling her attention to the issue would be sufficient. In fact, if you
attempt to go further and try to identify the problem yourself, you might end
up incurring her wrath as you’ve likely wasted her time having to prove you
wrong again. So, don’t bother with the details, just hand her the garment. Oh,
good point. Make sure that you’re not wearing the piece of clothing in
question. She’ll just make you take it off, and then you will have wasted
even more of her time. Finally, you can walk away proudly knowing that you
have done more than she has ever expected of you.
Exercise 1.4 - The Dishes
Getting the dishes done is simple in theory, but difficult to master in practice.
The reason is not that dishes are a difficult concept (rinse and place into
dishwasher), they’re not. The problem is that when you, the man, take it
upon yourself to do the dishes several things are likely to result. The first
being that your woman will think that she’s died and gone to wherever it is
that wives who have done all they can for their ungrateful husbands, but are
still under-appreciated, go.
The second, and more important, is that she will probably intervene once she
realizes what it is you’re doing. Picking herself up off of the floor, she will
closely examine the dishes; those either done and drying in the rack, or all
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ready to go in the dishwasher. You know what she’s looking for don’t you?
Any sign that you’ve screwed up by leaving something on the dishes which
she would not have. And regardless of your skills, she will likely find
something. Now is the true test of your manly manliness, stand there and take
it like a man . Don’t be a wimp and start whimpering. Steel yourself for
what’s to come knowing that there is little chance, unless you’ve scrubbed
the pattern off of the plates, that you’ll get a passing grade here. But know
this, regardless of what she says you’ll have the quiet satisfaction of knowing
that she’s damned impressed.
Exercise 1.5 - The Floors
Here’s the deal with the floors; this is where everything eventually settles so
they get very dirty very quickly and they’re not easy to clean. This is why
your mom had such a fit when you walked on her freshly mopped floors you
little brat. Anyway, there are three primary phases to floor care; picking
things up, vacuuming things up, and wiping things up. Notice that everything
having to do with cleaning the floor involves the “up” direction. This is a
good thing to remember because simply by picking things up you are doing
more than would typically be expected of you to keep the house clean.
We’re going to make this easy for you as far as being proactive. If you do
see something on the floor which probably should not be there (such as;
food, clothing, anything on fire) just pick it up and put it on any table or
counter, if appropriate. Note: if something is on fire, picking it up and
putting it onto a table would probably not be appropriate. So, I guess the
bottom line here is unless it’s on fire, pick it up and place it on a flat surface.
By flat surface I do not mean back onto the floor, choose another flat surface.
Now that you’ve actually picked something up off of the floor and placed it
onto a table or counter, you must now tell your woman. This is a very
important step in the process and one which, if skipped, will result in your
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being blamed for the new location of the object (or fire). So, make sure that
you tell her what you’ve done. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to show
her as well. Then just sit there and wait for praise, and maybe a biscuit.
Exercise 1.6 - Making the Bed
If the bed has not been made, and there is nobody in the bed, then make the
bed. This may seem relatively straightforward, but like everything else in a
relationship, it isn’t. Making the bed, in this instance, is simply a gesture of
how much you want to help rather than actually making the bed to her
satisfaction. And by satisfaction I mean specifications. Realize that she will
probably undo what you’ve done and remake the bed herself.
Her resulting freshly-made bed may appear to differ little from your version,
but there will likely be one very important difference; the sheets. A man is
missing that part of the brain which helps to determine whether or not sheets
need to be changed. So men learn to use a calendar. “Let's see, it’s October.
Well, then it’s 'bout time to change the sheets”. A woman, on the other hand,
will typically change the sheets if anything other than perfectly clean flannel,
satin or silk has touched them.
Regardless of what you think, the bed, like pretty much everything else, is
her domain. She will fluff, fold and tuck her domain just exactly the way she
wants. And the fact that you, an uppity male, would take it upon yourself to
make the bed is, in her view, a cute if inept attempt to once again do
something too important to leave to a man. Good try though.
Exercise 1.7 - Light Bulbs
Again, this should not be difficult, but it is. Only because within the home
the wattage of each bulb is, for whatever reason, very important. Men do not
understand this concept, but there it is so we need to learn to live and deal
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with it. The best thing to do when you observe a bulb has burned out is to
replace it with exactly the same bulb of exactly the same wattage as quickly
as possible. Tell no one. Should you somehow get away with this, consider
yourself fortunate and speak no more of this unfortunate incident.
Don’t make the same mistake my Dad once made. He replaced a burned-out
light bulb in my Mom's bathroom with one of a different wattage. This new
bulb was not well received as the output of the new bulb was not quite that of
the original bulb. The ensuing discussion somehow resulted in all of the
bulbs in the bathroom being replaced with 200W bulbs as well as the ceiling
fan being removed from the ceiling leaving only 3 bare wires and some
tattered insulation in its place. If you knew my parents you would understand
how this makes sense. After eight years my therapist finally does.
Now that we’ve proactively dealt with some of the fun-filled activities around the house,
it’s time to get to the [sic] heart of the matter. That would, of course, be your woman.
The love of your life. The most important person in your world. If, in fact, she is not the
most important person in your life, then you’ve got problems far beyond my meager
capabilities. If, however, she is all that and more, then learning all you can about your
woman will go a long way toward your appearing to be truly proactive. Even to the point
of truly being psychic (“Oh Kenneth, you just know me so well”). Sexy, eh? So let’s give
it a go shall we?
Exercise 1.8 - Her Potions
This exercise is related to her mysterious female lotions, potions, oils and
creams. Most of the items will be located in the bathroom or the shower. I’m
not going to spend too much time on the details of these potions, lotions and
notions since I honestly couldn’t begin to identify most of them. But after
spending about an hour pouring over more than 30 different bottles of things
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I never knew existed, I have a much better idea of what’s going on here (and
you didn’t think I did actual field work). Here’s what we have, although the
outer labels and suggested uses of these things may differ, virtually all of
these potions and lotions and whatnot consist of the same 12 ingredients. I
think that they simply use different proportions of these ingredients to make
the resulting liquid more soapy, cloudy, clear, lemony, coconutty,
freshening, refreshening, vitalizing or revitalizing.
Her mysterious potions and lotions may include; various face or body
lotions, face or body potions, skin creams, powdered shades, fluffing liners,
silky oils, fragrant soaps, feminine sprits and sprays, foundations encasing
her in concrete and steel, Egyptian over and under-liners, camouflage-
colored concealers, a large variety of pads whose distinctions you couldn’t
begin to understand, etc. You’re never going to learn all about these things,
so don’t even try. But this is not to say that you should admit defeat either.
Here’s how I handle the problem. What I do is to make a list of all of her
things. Don’t laugh, it works. It works because a woman will rarely change
the brand or type of thing she uses. So, basically just write down the
information which is on the front label of the bottles, jars, boxes or whatever.
Don’t screw-up the details. One potion or pad may look similar to another,
but that is usually where the similarity ends. Imagine her having to use the
wrong face cream, or something with wings which should have been
flightless. I shudder to think of the resulting consequences. Anyway, I keep
this list in my glove compartment. It comes in very handy when she calls and
wants me to pick up her pore-enhancing soap, anti-glare forehead liner,
cinnamon butt paste or the sanitary napkin variety pack. So, if this happens
to you, you’ll be ready and she’ll be amazed.
Exercise 1.9 - Her Cycles (don't cringe)
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You, yes you the man, can actually participate in her menstrual cycles. How
great is that? Not very? Well, what I mean is that you can make yourself
useful during those days when you are typically not. What can you do, you
ask other than staying out of her way? What you can do is to make sure you
know what sorts of things she uses during these times so that you, yes you
again dorkhead, can purchase these things while standing uncomfortably in
line with all of the other men staring at the floor, purchasing similar things
for their women.
Now as important as these pads and plugs and such may be, chocolate is even
more important. Preferably dark chocolate. You might want to stock up on a
few pounds every so often. This is very important, don’t take it lightly.
Women don’t just like chocolate during these times, they need chocolate. I
remember the story of my neighbor whose wife locked herself in the
bathroom with his Playboy collection and a pair of scissors and didn’t stop
until dark chocolate was slipped under the door. This will put the fear of God
into you, eh? So, once again don’t forget the chocolate, or to paraphrase a
popular 70’s saying; “Chocolate will get a woman through times of no men,
better than men will get a woman through times of no chocolate.”
Exercise 1.10 - Her Moods
You may have thought that we covered this topic in our last exercise, or the
one before that, or the one before that, but no. Every man on Earth who has
had any interaction at all with females knows about mood swings. To be fair,
this is something which affects all women differently. Some women have
little in the way of mood swings during any given period of time, while
others may be Cinderella one day and a wicked stepsister the next. The mean
one. Some of this may be based on hormonal fluctuations, however most of
what we men term “mood swings” is likely attributable directly to you, the
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man. You have no doubt, once again gone and done something to piss her
off.
Whether sweet, cute, loving, happy, irritated, irked, petulant, snappy, sullen,
winsome, grumpy, carefree, glum, crabby, joyful, miffed, peevish, surly,
sappy, saucy, sulky, slinky, sloppy, sleepy, sour or deadly, you should
always remember to try to empathize and have compassion for her. Do your
best to understand that life is tough for everyone and you make it even more
so for her. She’s doing the best she can, but sometimes it’s all just too much.
But you can help. Just exactly how depends upon her mood and about a
million other things on which super computers around the globe continue to
work feverishly.
If in fact her mood happens to be on the negative side, you’ll want to either
do something to turn that frown upside down (do not say this to her), or get
the hell out of the way. If you decide to attempt to do something, there’s not
much in the way of a generic panacea for whatever it is the problem may be.
This being said you can usually not go wrong with dark chocolate and a good
foot massage. If you are really adept at the art of foot massages then she just
might fall asleep. This will afford you the opportunity to have yourself a few
beers to get ready for when she wakes up.
* Women *
And now for the women. What can I say that you don’t already know about being
proactive? Nothing. Not a thing. Nada, the empty set, bupkis. Well, now if you’re going
to give me that look then I’ll mention that there are a few things that you may not be
aware of, which I’d like to relate. Let us begin with some of the more basic concepts in
the understanding of the male gender and then we’ll work our way into the...oh, who are
we kidding. When it comes to men, there are only basics.
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Exercise 1.11 - The Basics
When seriously in doubt, show up in a string bikini with a 6-pack under each
arm. This will be about as proactive as you will need to get for most men.
Once he gets his “medicine” and a really good meal afterwards he’ll want to
just sleep for awhile. If a football game is on when he wakes up, that should
just about do it for his basic needs. If you want to get any more complicated
than this, you certainly can knock yourself out. But remember that there is
every chance in the world that he won’t appreciate it. It’s not that he’s being
cruel or uncaring, that’s just the nature of the beast. You may as well expect
a bee not to sting, a snake not to bite.
Exercise 1.12 - Extracurricular Activities
On occasion, you will want to get him out of the house when he would
otherwise just be hanging around getting in your way. Make this about twice
each week or more if desired. Maybe poker with the guys on Friday nights
and golf Sunday afternoons. This will allow you to rest, relax and get some
things done without having him underfoot. Crank-up Aretha, get out all of
those files you’ve wanted to go over for months now, get yourself a wine
cooler and have yourself a good old time without him around.
Now, of course, you are more than welcome to go out with any of your
girlfriends at anytime. That is provided that you let him know where you’re
going. That’s all you need to do, if only because it’s the right thing to do. If
you’ve had enough of him for awhile and can’t get him out of the house,
then head on out yourself. There's no law that says you need to stay home
with him if he doesn’t want to go out. Realize though, that if you do go out
without him, he will probably resent you for doing so. Attempting to get him
to explain to you why he’s mad and hasn’t talked to you in three days will
likely be difficult and will only result in a rambling proclamation of how you
done him wrong. You’ll shake your head wondering how the same man who
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will think nothing of riding a crazed 2000 pound bull, can be so fragile. A
mystery surrounded by an enigma, wrapped in a paradox it is.
Aside from those times when you send him away because if you hear him
talk to the TV one more time your going to stab him in the eye with a crochet
hook, make sure he knows you want him at home with you. That is when
he’s not working his ass off to buy you houses, yachts, diamonds and
emeralds. Sorry, got carried away there. Anyway, make sure you talk about
this because some concepts are difficult for men. If you really intend to get
your point across to him, then you’re going to want to make sure that the
television set is off. If you don’t understand why this is, then the next
exercise was designed just for you.
Exercise 1.13 - The Television
The television is another one of those things which means something
completely different to men and women. For example, women see TV as an
entertainment portal and information resource. An experience to be shared in
those quiet evening moments with a loved one. Men see the TV as a
combination personal refuge and Fantasy Island. It’s his world where all of
his dreams involving sports, power, women, beer and large powerful trucks
can be lived out vicariously through the actual participants on the screen.
This is something which is particular to men because they are so visually
oriented. Women do not succumb to the tube to nearly the same extent. They
simply see a picture on a screen, and continue to wonder if their mother
wasn’t actually right about you.
Knowing how important TV is to a man, you, his woman, might want to
learn more about his favorite baseball and football teams. Forget basketball
unless you live in Dallas in which case you ain’t got nothin' else. However, if
he has a favorite curling, hurling or caber tossing team then don’t bother. If
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this is the case, then he’s probably European and, if that’s the case, you’re
definitely on your own here. Talk about your never-ending projects.
However, if he is just a standard, regular kind of guy then surprising him by
wearing only a team jersey, helmet, mouthpiece, cap or cup may just get him
in the mood for a real sporting event. Don’t make it a long game though as
he’ll tire easily.
If you attempt to talk to a man during a sporting event you may as well be
talking to your oven for all the good it will do. To get anything into his head
which has any hope of staying there without flying right out the other side
will require that you turn off the TV. But be careful here, you can’t just pick-
up the remote, push a button and expect that a serviceable conversation will
ensue. It likely won’t. Attempting to turn off the TV during a sporting event
may result in unpredictable consequences. In fact, depending upon the timing
of this action, it may be a story your 60 cats will enjoy again and again in
some 20 years or so. You’re much better off waiting until the game is over as
you are likely to have a larger portion of his quality attention at that time.
Trying to squeeze in a conversation during commercials certainly offers
unique opportunities for the rapid exchange of ideas, thoughts, barbs, hopes,
jabs, accusations and insults. However depending upon the subject matter it
may required more of his attention than several sequential 60-second
commercials might afford.
Once he has been disengaged from the TV and you are in the process of
actually talking to him, make sure that he’s really looking at you, or in some
other fashion acknowledges your presence. Just because the TV is not
necessarily on, you cannot assume that he is paying attention to you when
you are talking to him. Men often have TV shows, short films or bits of
songs going through their heads. It is quite possible that while you're
engaged in a deep discussion concerning your most private fears, hopes,
needs and feelings, he may well be thinking about the episode of Green
Acres where Mr. Douglas hired Mr. Haney to paint his house and Mr.
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Douglas had to buy a “Pore Key” from Mr. Haney who then couldn’t find the
“Pore Key Hole”. This is why men will occasionally appear to laugh quietly
to themselves for no apparent reason.
One good way to keep him engaged in the conversation is to ask relatively
simple questions. Forming these questions so that his responses are kept to a
minimum might help facilitate the conversation as well. You want to make
sure that he not feel pressured to form complete sentences or to expend a
great deal of effort in actual conversation. This, sadly, is your best bet.
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Habit #2
Begin With SomethingIn Mind
The old saying, as I remember it, is “Begin with the end in mind.” Sort of like “keep
your eye on the ball”. Actually, that’s not it at all, is it? Let me begin again. What this
habit is all about is having something in mind when you begin a task, a thought, a
journey. A plan as it were. This is vital because from a woman’s perspective, men often
get going on things without much of a plan, let alone a destination, in mind. We men
want to divest our women of that woefully uninformed opinion. We want to be able to
demonstrate that we can create and follow a plan to completion, but really just having
something in mind would be a really swell place to start.
The exercises associated with this habit will have some interesting aspects for men and
women alike. In order to illustrate some of the more subtle aspects of this habit I will
relate a story which took place many years ago. I’ll give you the moral of the story first:
He did not begin with much of anything in mind.
This is the sad but true story of Tom, a present day stay-at-home Dad. He
was once a factory worker who was now on the type of disability which
seemed to be in remission while on a golf course. He spent a good deal
of his time taking care of the kids, puttering around the house,
pretending to vacuum and, oh yes, surfing the Net for porn. And all this
while his none-the-wiser wife worked during the day, bagging groceries
for Safeway.
So as is typical with these sorts of things, all was well until one point
after which all was not. His loving wife, Carol, upon detail examination of
her Visa bill one day noticed several rather odd charges which she did
not recognize. After several increasingly irate phone calls she quickly
realized that her oh-so-wonderful husband was using her credit card to
access an interesting variety of pornographic websites. A frank and open
discussion ensued, as you just knew it would, after which Tom decided
that he needed to get back to work. Apparently the pain resulting from
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his disability was preferable to that of his wife’s continued ire. The
removal of the household computer was another of the changes which
have taken place in that particular household, I am led to believe.
You see folks, this was an example of beginning something without having much of
anything in mind. Tom clearly did not consider the likely outcome of his actions. Now
what could he have done here rather than foolishly use his wife’s credit card which is so
easily traced? Tom could have had a plan. And it didn’t need to be at all complex in form
or function. He could have simply made his own money to use in any way he saw fit.
Tom could have utilized the vision of a developing entrepreneurial spirit He could have
done something along the lines of setting up his own web-site. A simple computer, a
web-cam, a mask of President Bush, a feather duster and some book: He’s all set.
Tom could have made plenty of money by charging people admission to access his web-
site. This low-key, non-assuming site might have featured Tom, naked, except for an
athletic supporter, the mask of Bush on his face and the feather duster stuck up his butt
prancing around his living room while reading books by Dr. Seuss. I easily can picture
his rendition of “Hop on Pop” becoming very popular with the Baby Boomer crowd.
Using the resulting income to access his favorite pornographic web-sites Tom would
have little fear of being discovered. Ah, but for the lack of such a vision, Tom might still
be happily puttering around the house and whatnot.
This is just one example of how embracing and practicing these Habits could have helped
Tom, and how they can help you too. Excited? I have no doubt. Can’t wait to get started?
I thought so. Ready for the exercises? All right already, shut up and let’s get going.
* Men *
Now it’s time for one of our more important exercises. It involves angering your woman
and my ardent suggestion that you try your best not to. Now a man, being something
other than the sharpest tool in the shed, is often quite likely to ignore my suggestions and
go right ahead and piss his woman off. He will soon discover the truth behind the old
adage: “If she ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. You want to be happy, don’t you? And
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you want her to be happy don’t you? And you want to go on living your relatively happy
life together, don’t you? Ok, so don’t piss her off!
The question, realizing that it has been asked in many forms throughout the ages, is how
does one go about accomplishing this at times seemingly insurmountable task? Well, I
have spent years tracking down the greatest historical texts on the subject. I have sat at
the edge of mist-shrouded Himalayan cliffs and pondered the question. I have walked the
shorelines of the oceans of the world lost in thought. Sometimes just lost. Finally, in the
most desolate part of the vast Ethiopian desert, within sight of King Solomon’s lost
mines, it came to me. There before me shown two distinct paths. Yes, nature has revealed
to me the paradox: These are two different paths which we men must travel at the same
time. What? How can a person travel on two paths at the same time? That my little
Locust, is the imponderable answer. Perhaps it was the imponderable question which was
not clear. Regardless, here now the two paths shall be revealed:
Don’t do anything to piss her off.
Don’t say anything to piss her off.
Exercise 2.1 – Don’t piss her off
Don’t do or say anything to piss her off. These should be your primary goals
with respect to your woman. So, how to go about accomplishing these goals?
Well, it really helps not to say anything stupid. Now, I am well aware that
this is likely not possible for most men. Guys, for the most part, can’t help
saying something stupid once in awhile (this is likely a daily occurrence).
The reason is this: During any given discussion a woman will have, oh say,
10 or more relatively completed thoughts swirling around in her head just
waiting to come out as fast as she can talk. While a man during this same
discussion will typically have no idea how the sentence he’s just started will
end. As a result, things just sometimes come out of a guys mouth without
having gone through the “should I really be saying this” filter.
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What I’m getting at is that it is important to get into the habit of thinking
through what you’re going to say before you say it. Men are not usually good
at this, because if they do attempt this they will forget what they were going
to say in the first place. It’s easier for a guy to actually say something first
and then listen afterwards to see if it sounds good. So, this exercise is
concerned with the process of thinking about what you’re going to say before
you say it. Now understand that this exercise won’t be of much benefit unless
you listen to that voice in your head to see if it’s actually saying something
you’re really going to want to say.
The result of practicing the art of thinking about what you’re about to say
first will be two-fold. You will find that you are talking less often and thus
less likely to say something stupid, and you will be surprised at how much
less often you piss your woman off. Why is your woman pissed off less
often? It’s because things that you once thought were a good idea to say to
her, you have recently discovered, probably were not. Case in point: My
friend Frank came into work one day looking rather poorly. I said to Frank,
“What’s wrong punkin?”. He looked at me with bloodshot, sleepless eyes and
related the following story (pay attention here):
Frank and his wife, Rhonda, were getting ready for dinner with
Frank’s parents last night. Rhonda was upstairs getting ready and
Frank was downstairs wrapping a present for his mom as it was
her birthday. They were going to meet his parents at a restaurant
in the city. When Rhonda came downstairs Frank, wanting to do
nothing but compliment his beautiful wife said, “You look really
good with make-up”. No apology could persuade her to speak to
him the remainder of the evening, though she was civil to his
parents during dinner I was led to believe.
Frank then related to me through a shattered spirit, the pain of a back aching
from a night on the couch and tired bloodshot eyes, one of the single greatest
proverbs ever uttered:
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“Anytime you say anything to a woman, it’s a crap shoot”
An incredible flash of insight into the female psyche, this was. From the
depths of his despair, Frank may have hit upon something interesting here.
Sometimes it may not be what you say, as much as when you say it. Now in
Frank’s case he could have uttered those unfortunate words to a woman in
1500 BC or 800 years from now and the reaction will likely be the same.
However, some things a man might say which might make a woman angry on
one particular day, may not receive the same reaction on another.
This brings up an interesting point. Sometimes men, having the awareness of
a bag of rocks, will not even know their women are mad at them. Of course
it’s easy to figure out she’s upset when dishes or crockery are whizzing past
your head, but on other occasions you may not have the luxury of these
external signs. Take, for example, the possibility that you have forgotten yet
another birthday, Valentines Day or anniversary. She’s waited the entire day
for you to surprise her with a gift demonstrating your love for her as well as
your capacity to remember important occasions. Instead, you inform her that
you’re on your way out to play poker with the guys and not to wait up for
him. Without looking up she will say, “fine”. You the man will think to
yourself, “Great, she doesn’t mind that I’m going out to play poker with the
guys tonight.” Wrong! Of course she does, you idiot. You need to understand
that often her saying something like “fine” implies that things are anything
but.
Now getting back to Frank and his unfortunate compliment. What could he
have done here to make his life a bit less miserable? Right, he could have said
nothing, He would have, of course, still been in trouble but significantly less.
If Frank had, however, practiced the exercises he would have scrapped that
original compliment for something less specific like, “You look lovely” or
“You look beautiful”. Don’t go running off into the weeds when it comes to
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compliments, you never know where you’ll end up. Since this is such an
important topic, I’ll give y’all another real-world example, this time from my
own brain-damaged experience:
It was the morning after the first night my girlfriend and I had
spent together. I was living in Redondo Beach, California and had
a small place by the ocean. My girlfriend, Cindy, and I were having
a romantic morning-after breakfast at one of the local hang-outs.
She was sitting next to the window with the rising sun behind her.
It was all very romantic and she looked very attractive. So I
lovingly, and with only the purest of intentions, said to her, “I Love
the way the morning sun sparkles through the fine downy hairs on
your upper lip.”
That was a memorable morning, yes indeed. Twenty years later and my foot
still aches when the weather changes. Now realize that even if I had run this
through my addled mind beforehand I would likely not have flagged it as
something which might have made her angry. The problem was that I had no
idea how women felt about facial hair, and in particular their own. So as long
as we’re on the subject of not pissing off your woman, let me state here and
now that if you were to completely ignore any hair on her face, you’ll be way
ahead of the game.
Exercise 2.2 - Compliments (basics)
Again, my advice would be to stick to tried and true compliments. Use only
those which have proven their virtue time and time again. Going out on your
own here risks being ignored for the evening at best and being written-up as
a Darwin Award with your head paraded around the internet on a virtual pole
at worst. So you say, what are the standard compliments which I can use with
relative safety? Glad you asked, here’s the complete list:
You look beautiful.
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You look lovely.
Your hair looks great (be careful with this one).
I love those shoes (make sure she’s wearing shoes).
So, that’s about it. These can be used interchangeably and at virtually anytime of
the day or night. I have heard that there may be one or two others which might
actually belong on the list, but I would approach them with the greatest caution.
However, for the sake of completeness I give you these other two as well:
Have you lost weight?
I've been thinking about you.
These compliments may sound good on the surface, but extreme caution should be
used. Consider the first: “Have you lost weight?”. Any man who does not see the
obvious problem with this one within one minute should be hit in the face with a
large frozen sea bass. Any implication that she may have, in any way, gained
weight should be seriously avoided. In fact, any talk about her weight at all should
be avoided as completely as any discussion concerning her facial hair.
The second compliment above, “I've been thinking about you”, will likely cause her
to wonder what you may have done to be thinking about her? Is he hoping that I
don’t find out about something or someone, she wonders? What’s he hiding, she
continues to ponder? You do not want this to happen. So please be careful if you do
choose to utilize these compliments. I’ve heard through the Poker-game grapevine
that there may also be unintended and delayed reactions with their use. I’ll let you
know if I hear more.
Another compliment which may seem innocuous is the all purpose: “Is that new?”
This will only work if whatever it is she is wearing is in fact new (note: if she's not
wearing any clothing this compliment may still be applicable in some instances). It
is far more likely that she’ll be wearing something she’s had for years that you
simply had never noticed. Remember the old saying; “Tis better to keep quiet and
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be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.” Again, this is a
very dangerous compliment, so use with caution.
Exercise 2.3 - Compliments (her hair)
Now as to the compliments concerning her hair. This is very important.
Never, never underestimate the importance of her hair. A good hair day for a
woman is as important to her as are her children. All of them. Although a
woman may be swayed in other areas by an obviously undeserved
compliment, this is not the case with her hair. If her hair does not look good
do not say a thing. To be safe, a simple compliment just before she goes out
in public would be appropriate. You’re pretty well assured that if she is about
to go out into a public setting, her hair will have been sufficiently dealt with
so that this compliment should be warranted. But still please be careful here,
you’re playing with fire.
Also, and this is very important, make sure that whenever she goes out to get
her hair done that you compliment her on it as soon as she gets back. Even if
she’s crying. Believe me, this happens more than you would think. I’m not
kidding here. Regardless of what she thinks about her hair at this point, you
MUST say that you think it looks wonderful. Repeat this no matter how hard
she cries. Never agree with her that it looks bad, you will regret it for a very
long time.
Exercise 2.4 - Compliments (her clothes)
You should be able to tell the difference between an everyday outfit and one
meant for a special occasion. This will be the difference between saying
something like, “You look nice darling” and something along the lines of
“Oh my God, you look incredible!”. Again make sure that you can tell the
difference between the two types of outfits. Don’t mistake one for the other.
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Again, you’re much better off saying nothing than the wrong thing. Case in
point:
My sweetie had just come home from shopping. I was sitting in the
living room minding my own damn business munching down guac
and chips and watching the game. She entered the room and
immediately started in on conversation while digging into the
boxes she’d brought home, effectively drowning out the game.
She was so excited, she couldn’t wait to show me what she’d
bought. And all I could do, what a lunkhead I was, was to sit there
without one fully-formed thought in my thick head watching Dallas
losing yet again to the 49’ers. So, she wriggles into this thing
which she’d spent no less than 2 hours trying on and stressing
over, smoothed it down the sides, stuck one leg out in a fashion
magazine pose and asked me what I thought.
I looked over at her and said, “It looks fine”. Turning my attention
once again to the game, I failed to notice her once joyful
expression degenerate into instant anger. Instant karma to be
accurate. Rookie move, dude. She, of course, thought that I hated
the dress. I, of course, did not hate the dress. I really didn’t care
one way or the other about the damn dress. But at that point none
of that really mattered. She was upset for about a week before I
finally figured out what I had done.
If this ever happens to you, please do not attempt to explain your way out of
it, just apologize. Even though this incident was technically not my fault (you
should now be laughing uproariously, of course it was my fault) apologize
immediately and sincerely. To conclude this story I, afterward, felt the need
to demonstrate in some fashion how much I really did love the dress. Well,
that didn’t work out as she had already taken the dress back, a dress that she
loved by the way, because I didn’t like it. She never let me forget that
incident. Sure, why should that be any different than any other incident she
never let me forget? Just be careful, that's all I’m saying.
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Exercise 2.5 - Lying
Don’t lie; you will get caught. In the same vein, don’t accuse your woman of
lying. You won’t catch her in one. Even if she is lying, she’s so far ahead of
you in hiding that lie that you’d never find out. She’ll have girlfriends
already set-up to corroborate any story she’d need to crush your accusations,
like she’s crushed your spirits. So don’t even bother. This goes for affairs as
well. Don’t bother with accusations, she’ll nail your ass to the wall and hang
a picture of her parents on it.
Now, when you do lie and you do get caught, admit everything and apologize
immediately. What, you say? Admit everything and apologize? Are you
crazy? Hold on now. I am well aware that others in the industry state
emphatically:
Never admit anything!
Make her prove everything!
Deny it even if she can prove it!
I’ve heard this time and time again. My friend Duane in Compton used to
say, “Don’t never cop to nothing. Even if she got pictures, even she got a
witness, even she catch you in bed with the bitch – don’t never cop to
nothing!” Well, I think I’d have to respectfully disagree there Duane. This
may sound like a dramatic departure from the accepted standard, but I
believe that for the most part a woman will forgive a man who is truly and
sincerely repentant. She will, however, not usually tolerate one series of lies
followed directly by another.
Anyway, this is my best advice Habit-wise: Get into the habit of simply
telling the truth about everything. It’s so much easier than lying and you
won’t need to remember anything other than what actually happened. This is
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provided, of course, that you can remember what had happened. Be aware
however that prior to getting into the habit of always telling the truth, you
may have to get into the habit of not doing things you’ll need to lie about.
That is going to be the hard part, isn’t it?
We’ve seen some of the habits which we men can adopt in order to keep from angering
our women. However, this is just elementary stuff. What we really want to do is much
more difficult. We want to remove obstacles which keep her from being happy, from
talking freely and expressing herself. Such as being pissed at you. It’s alright if she’s
pissed at someone else. In fact that’s the best of all possible worlds as you’ll gain points
here simply by being sympathetic with her. These are important concepts as are those
detailed within our next exercise. You may be of the opinion that because she is talking
that you actually need to be listening. Well yes you do, but only to the extent required.
Exercise 2.6 - Keep her talking
She needs to talk until she is finished talking and your job is to listen and pay
attention to her. It is important to realize that she knows that she will have
only a certain amount of your attention. That’s fine as long as it’s in
proportion to the importance of the conversation. For a really important
conversation you will need to pay close attention, and probably participate as
well. But for the most part, for most conversations, you don’t really have to
say much. A relevant comment or question now and again is probably all you
will need to interject. You may, if you’d like, simply employ the following in
a loop while she’s talking:
Really, no way, un huh, yeah, I know, she did, that bitch,
Really, no way, un huh, yeah, I know, she did, that bitch,
Really, no way, un huh, yeah,...
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This should work for most women for most conversations, which are not
relationship-related. That’s because your required participation is for the
most part limited. Just as is should be. Men talk when they have something to
say, which as we’ve seen should be sparingly. This is not the case with a
woman. Women will often be talking without realizing that they are doing
so. Either that or they just always have something to say.
While I’ve concentrated on the man’s part in all of this, what this
conversation does for the woman is very important. She will not feel close to
you unless she can tell you all of those things she wants to tell you, which is
pretty much whatever it is that comes into her head, for whatever reason,
concerning any subject, at any time.
* Women *
As for your part women, your primary goal is to keep your man well fed. A well-fed man
is a sleepy man, and a sleepy man is a good man. This is the best of all possible scenarios
as he is at home, quiet and is not making a mess in the house. Remembering an old
1950’s advertisement imploring housewives to make sure that their husbands where
made to feel as comfortable as possible when they got home from work, to wait on them
hand and foot and not to bother them with unimportant details as his problems were
much more important than hers, makes me wonder if women really ever embraced this
concept. I would hope not, but I believe that many men actually feel this way. A man
who believes this tripe is someone up with which you should not put. Though they’d
never admit it, most men have a deep-rooted desire to be taken care of. Your job, should
you choose to accept it, is to make sure that he can take care of his own damn self, that
he clean up any mess he’s made and that he get his ass in gear and help out with
housework.
The problem, of course, was his mother. She treated him like a minor deity, he could
probably do no wrong in her eyes. She likely did everything for him for the first, what,
20 or 30 years of his life. And now he expects similar treatment from you? Yeah, right.
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So, clearly you’ve got a lot of work to do in order to erase any traces of his mother’s
influence. I’d suggest you get up and get after it because he ain’t getting better on his
own.
Something to Remember: If he gets pissed-off, for whatever petty reason, and won’t
say a word to you or even acknowledge your presence, then there’s not much you can do
but to wait it out. It may take a day or two before he comes around, sometimes even
more. Unfortunately, there's really not much you'll be able to do but to just go about your
business like it’s no big deal. Because really it isn’t. Women think it’s a serious problem
when a man clams up, but it’s just a man's way of coping with things which can not be
successfully dealt with using conversation. Note that food is often a good ice-breaker
after about a day, and sex after two.
Exercise 2.7 - Keep Him Fed
Women, as has been mentioned, your primary goal should be to keep your
man well fed. A well-fed man is a man that is easy with which to deal. While
the well-fed man thing is probably not the most important goal with respect
to your man, it is often the most useful and the easiest on your back.
Fortunately, men can be trained to eat and survive on virtually anything.
There will be a section later which will show what they have likely eaten as
bachelors, it’s horrifying. Once you see this list you will understand how
easy it would be to get them to eat things like tofu, bran flakes, vegetables, or
fruit.
Let us take a real world example where you’ve slaved over a meal for him
which doesn’t turn out the way you have planned.
Several weeks after being married, my wife made her first
real dinner for us. It was turkey meatloaf with vegetables
and smashed potatoes. Really a nice feast. Halfway through
the meal, she asked what I thought of dinner since I’d been
too busy eating to say anything. I said without really
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thinking, “It’s good, it’s not like my Mother used to make”.
She, of course, heard “Well, I’ll choke this crap down if I have
to, but I sure do long for the days of my mother’s wonderful
cooking”. Whereas what I was actually thinking was, “Geez,
this is really good. My mom’s cooking was terrible. She
would cook everything for 2 hours at 350 degrees”. I, of
course, did not say this because I am an idiot. My next
memory was of a stinging sensation somewhere near the
back of my head where my wife had just slapped me and a
ringing in my ears that, when I focused on it, sounded like
her saying, “...and that's not all I'm going to do differently
than your mother”. To this day I really wished I would have
listened to the beginning of that sentence.
Exercise 2.8 - His Ego
As necessary as the care and feeding of a man may be, the more important
goal might be the never-ending effort of keeping his frail ego intact. Though
this is a difficult undertaking, realize that damaging his ego can be disastrous
for a relationship. So, understanding the male ego is important. OK, how do
we tip-toe around that frail ego thing of his anyway? It’s a paradox of nature
is what it is. He’ll gladly kill a giant spider (although he’ll need a gun and a
shot of tequila to get the job done), but when it comes to anything which may
dent his fragile ego, he’s just a little kid lost in a big department store whose
mom left him and didn’t come back for a long time.
So, what we want to keep in mind here is the likely outcome of not keeping
his frail ego intact. That being an injured man who feels he’s been unjustly
offended or verbally abused and who is probably going to clam up and not
say anything to anyone until his master plan to bring the entire world under
his domination, at which point his enemies will be dealt with properly, has
been realized. Either that or he’ll eventually get hungry having found that
bread, mustard and pickles are satisfying only to a certain extent, and ask you
to make something for him to eat. He should be fine again after a good meal.
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Belittling him. Don’t belittle him in public, particularly in front of his
friends. Though his friends will love you for it, he will be pissed and
likely resent you for having done such a thing to him. So as tempting as
it may be, it’s just not worth whatever entertainment value may ensue.
Of course, in private, you're more than welcome to put him down in
any manner you see fit. But consider his possible defensive reaction to
this versus that resulting from a more loving form of constructive
criticism. Constructive criticism such as sleep training. A training tape
in a small tape recorded hidden under the bed can do wonders for all
sorts of things you’d like repaired.
Do you know the way to San Jose? When he’s driving, it is important
that he be allowed to navigate. Even if you get lost and it takes you
twice as long as it should to get anywhere. If you want to drive then, as
annoying as it may be, it’s a good idea to let him navigate. This is
because that is what men do, this is why we were born, To explore new
worlds, route the indigenous peoples, drive them from their lands and
exploit their vast resources. That’s what men do. They sail ships to the
farthest reaches of distant lands only to somehow find their way back
home again. It's a genetic thing, it’s nature and a calling which is
simply beyond our control.
The worse thing you can do to a man with respect to his navigational
skills, or the lack thereof, would be to skid to a stop by the side of the
road in frustration, grab the map from him and figure it out for
yourself. You will have at this point, accomplished two things: First,
you will finally figure out how to get to where it is your going and
second, you will have completely emasculated him. You will have, with
this thoughtless action of yours, caused a mutiny in a very real and
practical sense. His shipmates have essentially deemed him unworthy
of the duties entrusted to a navigator and so he has been
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unceremoniously replaced. And by a woman no less. Realize that this is
one of those man things that will likely get worse before it gets better.
The Manly Man. Ask him to open jars, even if you can do it yourself.
Asking him to perform those simple tasks which you could do just as
well or better yourself will allow him to demonstrate to you his
usefulness. Men love to feel needed and useful. If you can manage to
find something for him to do involving strength or bravery, so much
the better. Try to make sure, however, that whatever it is you have him
do is not critical to the smooth functioning of the household of any of
its members. Giving him a task or chore which will keep him busy for
hours and will not cause you to become upset should the outcome be
less than ideal, is a good habit to get into on weekends.
So toward this end, some things which you might have him do around
the house to make him feel more useful would be; turning the mattress,
moving furniture, removing bugs and spiders, lifting boxes up onto
shelves, getting boxes down off of shelves, cleaning out the fireplace,
building a fireplace, cleaning the Bar-B-Que grill and protecting your
honor. Note that as far as the Bar-B-Que is concerned, men will say
that the grill should never be cleaned. Although he’s right, make him
do it anyway. It’s good to keep in practice.
Good boy. Keeping in mind that men love praise, even if undeserved,
it’s a good idea to praise him when he actually does something without
screwing up. Particularly if it’s something unexpected. Men live for this
and will occasionally do their level best not to screw-up. Also, if you
can make the praise (or better yet reward) commensurate with the thing
he actually did correctly, well you’ve got yourself a whale of a training
mechanism there. So, for example, the successful turning of the
mattress without breaking anything in the bedroom may result in a pat
on the head and a kiss, whereas the successful installation of a
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dishwasher might result in his favorite meal followed by his favorite
bedtime activities. Yes, yes I know but come on, it is a dishwasher for
God’s sake!
Now if he has screwed-up something, praising him for it will only
confuse him. In this case you may feel the need to swat him with a
rolled-up newspaper or rub his nose in it but please refrain. He had
probably done his best and things just for whatever reason didn’t work
out. Regardless of how you’d like to handle these touchy situations, if
you want to have him continue doing things for you in the future it
might be best to occasionally keep your thoughts to yourself -
regardless of their relevance.
Hey baby. Don’t tell him he’s good in bed if he’s not. He’ll never get
better this way. Don’t fake it either. Men would rather that you tell
them they’re inept than to deceive them. Although others will say
differently, men really do want to learn to please you. Too often,
however, this is more important to you than it is to him. We all know
that he is likely to, how shall we say, reach the promise land pretty
much every time. To you, however, it may be just a hazy memory in
the distant past. Is this the way you want to live your life? No, I didn’t
think so.
If he’s not good in bed, then help him learn. In fact, learning together
has great benefits. Get yourselves a book, a video, a surrogate (well,
maybe that’s going a bit too far), anything which will help him learn
more about you. Help him learn what you like and what you want.
Realize that he probably has no idea about your needs. He barely has a
clue about his own. He’s yours, dammit, train him! If you don’t you’ll
regret it for the rest of your life. That’s not what you want is it? Again,
I didn’t think so.
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Exercise 2.9 - Understanding His Lies
Women need to understand something about men. A man can not typically
get through an entire day without lying to you at least once. They don’t mean
to and certainly have no intention of hurting you, but they can’t help
themselves. It’s like a religion for guys. No, more like an addiction. No,
actually it’s more like a disease. That’s it, it's like a disease and we have little
if any control over what we say sometimes because, well, because of this
damned disease. You have to forgive us because we need help. Medical help.
Yeah, that’s it, we need some medicine. No, I’m lying. We need neither help
nor medicine. See how easy it is?
It’s just that if we tell the truth all of the time then as a result there will be
questions, inquires, discussions. It all becomes very complicated and so to be
avoided. If, however, we make things simpler, then there is less to question.
Take for example, the standard female question, “Where have you been for
the past 3 hours”? This question would likely elicit one of the following
standard male responses:
I was at Jim’s.
I was at Fred’s.
I was at work.
I was stuck in traffic.
I thought I was having a heart attack and so went to the hospital, but
when I got there I felt better and so I guess it was just indigestion
and then I stopped and had a quick drink just to make sure I was
OK and then I came right home.
Guys are not born liars as many women would suspect. They learn to lie.
They learn that lying to women is often easier than answering questions. And
y’all do ask lots of questions. Take bachelor parties, for example. I have been
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to only one in my life, and mine was not one of them. I couldn’t make my
own bachelor party – don’t ask. Anyway, the one I did attend was innocent
enough (I was led to believe) as far as bachelor parties go. There wasn’t
anything overly lewd or lascivious. Although there were these two girls that
had this...well, let's simply say that it was a tastefully done performance.
As innocent as this party was, when I arrived home, at a very reasonable hour
mind you, I was immediately and mercilessly bombarded with questions,
accusations, suggestions, and innuendo concerning my activities. Well, I
thought this was completely uncalled for and so I protested saying to her,
“What gives you the right to ask me how my evening was”? She feigned
some surprise at my clever retort to her, what turned out to be very innocent
question, laughed, shook her head and walked away. I showed her no mercy
and demonstrated just who the boss was by sleeping on the couch for a week.
So, we’ve talked quite a bit about why men lie and some of the ways in
which they do so. It is my hope that women out there now understand that
men use lies in essentially the same way that women use chocolate: as a
crutch. We don’t really need it, we can get by without but our lives would
really suck. I have not, up to this point, touched upon a females capacity for
generating lies of their own since it doesn't happen too often. Women tend to
be more truthful than are men. I think this is because they have a better
memory. However, if a woman does lie it tends to be a biggie. Something
along the lines of; “Yeah sure, I’m 18” or the ever-popular, “The batteries
are for the remote, you idiot” is more in keeping with the sorts of lies which
a woman might conjure-up. Yes, what they lack in quantity they certainly
more than make up for in quality.
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Habit #3
Do Something Else First
My grandmother once said, “Whatever you want to do, you always have to do something
else first”. Well, she was right. I wanted to get married but had to find a woman first.
Age old wisdom is amazingly wise. While grandma knew a good saying when she heard
one, she didn't go far enough. The more accurate version, I think, would be, “Do what
needs to be done in the proper order.” This, I think, gives one a better perspective on the
situation.
Here’s the thing of it, in order to get from where we are to where we would like to be
(your goal) we need to figure out how to get there. The best way to do this is to find a
nice quiet place somewhere and start drinking until it comes to you. This might take 3 or
4 stiff drinks, so don’t give up. Once you do figure out what you need to do (get
divorced, married, pregnant, sober) and you’ve furthermore determined how to achieve
that goal (get a lawyer, a relationship, a donor, some coffee), all you have to do is to put
your plan into action. This means that you, yes you Mister, must now get up off of your
butt and get to work.
Man, Woman or somewhere in-between, bottom line is that you need to become an
active part of your relationship or the relationship ship is going to sail without you -
nautically speaking. You and your partner need to determine what you want your
relationship to be like and work to achieve it as best you can. This may take quite a bit of
effort and planning. That being said, I'm not one to get carried away here with the
planning and all. You can plan as much and as finely detailed as you’d like, but odds are
whatever it is you’ve planned either won’t work as planned or simply won’t work at all.
That’s my experience anyway. Maybe it’s just me. As a result, I’m not big on planning
but preparation is another matter.
I definitely support the concept of being fully prepared at all times. I was once a Boy
Scout don’t you know. Well, if you want to get technical about it, not actually a Boy
Scout but a Weblow. A Weblow (what an odd word) is the limbo state adolescent boys
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are mired in until they can perform some secret ritual which proves them somehow
worthy of joining the Boy Scouts. I never quite made it - washed out - 4F. Not big on
rituals, I guess. And let me tell you, being unceremoniously drummed out of the
Weblow's doesn’t look good on a resume. Where was I? Ah, planning; this Habit is all
about planning which I said I wasn’t big on, but we’re going to do it anyway as my
sweetie has recently explained to me that, yes, we do want to do this. So, there it is.
Welcome, weary traveler. If you have done some of the exercises so far you are now a
much more conscientious partner or are well on your way toward becoming one. Very
good, very good. Now you’ll need a way in which to achieve the goals you’ve set for
yourself. Did I mentioned that you should set some goals? Well, if I haven’t, you should
- set some goals that is. So, let’s say you’ve done this and that you have goals you’d like
to achieve. What we need is a process, a set of rules as it were, designed to take us from
where we are to where we want to be without pissing off our women. This is where
planning comes in which I said I didn’t want to do, but have recently seen the light.
If you remember the basics of the previous exercise, you’ll want to have a goal in mind
when you go off and start doing something. Now we can discuss the means by which we
might reach those goals: the Plan. Consider this Plan kind of like a roadmap you’d use to
get from where you are, which is probably either lost or in trouble, to where you want to
be, which is not. Think of it like a connect the dots game. Along the way will be things
you will need to do or say in order to get to the next point on the map. Let us not confuse
this connect-the-dots plan we have with other types of Gender-Specific maps. These
other maps are specific to each sex. Some example would be:
Language map. Women have an innate ability to create language maps in their
minds when it’s related to discussions and / or debate. Don’t ever try to debate or
argue with a woman. In the first place you will likely not win, and in the second
even if you win, you lose. Women travel these maps effortlessly while arguing
which is why we men have trouble in arguments; we tend to take the scenic
routes.
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Roadmap. Men seem to be better at roadmaps such as those you’d fold-up and
put away somewhere until you’re so lost that it wouldn’t help had you
remembered where it was when you needed it in the first place. That’s what men
are good at. That and forming needlessly convoluted sentences.
* Men *
Ah women, what would we do without them. Likely die off within a generation one
would imagine. So, thankfully they put up with us. Let’s face it, we’re not easy to live
with. We don’t usually think of anyone other than ourselves, we leave a mess wherever
we’ve been and often have little tolerance for others. This is a testament both to the lack
of awareness in most men as well as the saintly nature of most women. I think that only
because of these basic attributes of each sex has the human race managed to propagate
itself.
It’s clear that we men should have the wherewithal to better ourselves in some small way
so that we’re not so very difficult to live with, and a little lesson in planning should be
just what the doctor ordered. The goal of these exercises is to focus how to get from
where you are, which is probably in trouble, to where you want to be, which is probably
not in trouble. When working through these exercises keep in mind that you’ll want to
appear to keep her and her needs first and foremost in your mind. In reciprocation, she
will concern herself more and more with your needs as well. This is known as a win /
win strategy.
Exercise 3.1 - How to Plan
It has been said that failure to plan is a plan for failure. I'm guessing that this
is only true if you have a goal or destination in mind. If not, then any result is
probably just as good as any other. Like the sailors used to say, “If your not
picky about your harbor, Matey, then any wind is a good wind”. If, however,
any wind is not necessarily a good wind and you do have a goal in mind then
the question becomes just how to go about creating a viable plan to achieve
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that goal. This is the question this exercise purports to address. Now, as to
whether or not it addresses it any sort of useable manner is anyone’s guess.
Let’s say for the sake of argument that you do manage to create some kind of
plan. At that point the issue of its actual execution becomes relevant. This is
usually where everything falls apart. When it comes to any plan involving
women, things just don’t seem to work out for us. It’s true, men over the
millennia have struggled with these issues with little success. As evidence of
this I would point to the distinct lack of progress in this area. What this
means is that I searched the internet and found nothing relevant.
As a result of this lack of available information, I have recently decided to
apply advanced scientific principles to the problem of planning and execution
and have come up with what I think is the answer. Or at least an answer. I
have looked at thousands of potential situations and have found that they all
fall into one of several simple categories. Well, this was great. All I needed
to do was to come up with a simple plan for each category, and the rest as
they say, was history. In theory, then all you would need to do is to figure out
which category your particular situation falls into, and simply execute the
plan associated with that category. Could it be any easier? Well, I guess that
someone could do all of this for you while you sit on your butt watching TV.
But since that's not going to happen then, no, it couldn’t be any easier.
Category: You want to get out of the house.
OK, so maybe there’s a game that you want to watch with your
buddies, or maybe you just want to go out for a drink. Hoist a few
down to the local pub as it were. Well, that may work in boring
English sitcoms, but women these days are typically none too thrilled
with their men spending the evening, not to mention the household
funds, on beer at the local pub. However, we as guys need to get out
once in a while and have ourselves some real fun. And I’m not
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talking about shopping here. We need to go to sports bars and cheer
on our team with others like us. We want to watch the game with the
guys and have a few drinks, or shoot some pool and have a few
drinks, or play some darts and have a few drinks. Regardless of the
reason, the need is the same; to get out of the house for a few hours
on your own.
Plan: Make her think it's her idea.
Realize that sometimes she wants you out of the house just as badly
as you want to get out. Hold on now, I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, “Shoot, all I need to do is to make such a pest of
myself that she won’t ever mind if I go out”. Yes, well chances are
you’ll be out on your butt for good if you try that - our goal is to
make sure that when you get back, you can get back in the house as
well. Now often this is not such a difficult task and saying something
to her like, “I'm going over to Kurt’s to watch the game.” is sufficient
provided that you also tell her what time to expect you back home. So
adding, “I’ll be back in before 4 my sweet darling. Is there anything I
can pick up at the market on my way back?”, will make this a no-
brainer. You have successfully provide her with all of the information
she’ll need to make plans for what she’ll do when you're out. Now
you’re wondering just what she’ll be up to when you’re gone, aren’t
you? Well, forget it – it’s none of your business.
However, if this is not the case and she’s actually not so keen on
you’re going out, then you’ll have to do something clever. So, here’s
what I would suggest. Pick yourself a friend from work (let’s call him
Tom) that she knows of but does not know that well. Have Tom call
you about an hour before you want to go out. Make sure she hears
your conversation. Say to Tom something like, “Nope, sorry buddy.
This is something you’re going to have to get through on your own.
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Yeah. Bye.” She’ll inquire as to the content of the conversation. Let
her know that Tom is have marital problems and wanted you to come
over so he could talk about them. You might want to build this up
over several days or weeks if you really want to be proactive.
Mention that your not very comfortable with the concept.
Your wife will be so shocked that another man has come to you as a
confidant, as someone to whom he can turn to for marital advice, that
she’ll probably encourage you to help him. In doing this she is
thinking that this is an excellent opportunity for you to exercise that
unused comforting, emotional side of yours while also giving you an
opportunity to reflect on your own wonderful relationship. She’ll
practically be pushing your ass out of the house. Of course, for the
three hours that you’re watching the game with your buddy the bulk
of the conversation is along the lines of, “Dude, want another beer?”,
but she doesn’t need to know that. Also, do your level best not to
come home drunk. You’ll wind up doing something stupid like
calling her a dame and throwing up on her shoes. Take it from me,
chicks hate that.
Category: You want to buy something for yourself.
Let’s say your walking through Sears minding your own business and
there it is, the 2,500 piece Craftsman Professional tool kit complete
with metric and standard socket sets, color-coded spanners, Allen
wrenches, shivs, shims, taps and dies. All 100% guaranteed for life
for only $159.99, what a great deal. Now being that Christmas is 8
months off and your birthday was last month, there is little chance
that you'll be getting this magnificent tool set anytime soon. Or worse
yet, imagine you see that beautiful Ranger Bass Boat you’ve always
wanted heading down the freeway. It’s completely decked out and
some little runt of a pipsqueak with a tongue stud is towing it with a
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green '74 Vega Station Wagon. What the hell is this world coming
to? Anyway, the clever implementation of the plan described below
may help you gain what should rightfully be yours in the first place.
Damn, a Vega!
Plan: Make her think it’s her idea.
Unless you can convince her that a big floods a-comin' you’re not
likely to get that Bass Boat anytime soon. Especially on your income.
Your best bet here is to inherit a boat from some relative who, unlike
you, had an investment strategy which included something other than
lottery tickets and selling cans of “Billy Beer” on eBay. The
Craftsman toolset, however, is much more likely. You see, what your
going to need to do here is to, in some way, demonstrate the utility of
those items you want to buy. You want to show how much better and
easier your lives would be with this thing. The tool set is relatively
easy since there are always things to be done or fixed around the
house. She will ask however, why you need so many tools and
wouldn’t a screwdriver and a wrench suffice. Simply begin by
discussing the different types of drills you will need for different
types of materials until her eyes glaze over. She will walk away
toward the women’s clothes section leaving you with a credit card
and her with the beginnings of a headache.
If you cannot figure out a utilitarian use for whatever it is you want to
buy (like a pool table) simply figure out another way in which it can
be used to make your lives better and easier. Note that Americans
define better and easier as having to push fewer buttons (“...now with
one-touch cooking”). If it is a pool table you’re after then showing
how it could also be used as an extra dining table for those
Thanksgiving holidays when family invades, or as an extra bed for
those guests who want to stay the night and need a nice firm mattress,
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might just do the trick. She’ll wonder why not just get another table
or bed. You’ll have to explain how difficult it would be to play pool
on a table or bed.
Although you might think that something like a new set of metal
drivers would be out of the question unless you had the forethought
to first ply her with jewelry, this is not necessarily the case. She will
see something like a new set of drivers as a useful item. It is a device
which will aid in getting you out of the house occasionally. She sees
this as a good thing, because sometimes you just drive her nuts.
Category: You want something Special for your Birthday.
For about 2 or 3 weeks prior to your birthday, she’ll be attentive to
anything you might have your eye on, or something that you may
mention in passing. This is not the time to get carried away with
unreasonable or unrealistic requests (example, if she didn’t do it on
your wedding night she’s not going to do it now). Let’s take a
realistic example of something attainable. How about that Bass boat
you’ve always wanted? The hell, you say? How am I going to get a
Bass boat for my birthday? What you need is a way to get results.
How, you ask, again growing weary of this? Well, one way is to
threaten her with something like, “If you don't buy me a metal-flake
red Range Bass boat for my birthday, I'm going to sleep with your
sister.” This will definitely get you results. They are not likely,
however, to include that Bass boat you wanted. So if your goal is to
acquire a Bass boat rather than to have your ass thrown out of the
house followed by all of your shit, then read on, seeker of knowledge,
read on.
Plan: Make her think it’s her idea.
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What you want to do is to again be a bit proactive about this and do a
bit of planning. So, several months before your birthday start looking
into Bass boats. Leave some catalogues around, access appropriate
web-sites, go to a boat show or two. A week or so before your
birthday she’ll be attentive as to what it is you might want. When you
detect this, just say that basking in the glow of the hearts and hearths
and his family is all that any man would ever need. And furthermore
that your life would be so much more complete if you were able to
actually provide for your family by, oh I don’t know, catching,
cleaning and cooking fish for the family meal on occasion. But how
to go about doing that...yes, how would one actually go about
catching a fish? How indeed.
Now it the time to startle her out of her waffle-stompers. Get out the
calculator and start those fingers a-flyin'. Some graph paper might
also help as well. With some sleight-of-hand and the magic of
mathematics, you'll need to demonstrate to her how this Bass boat
will pay for itself in just 15 short years. Yes indeed, given an average
of 15 fish caught per day for 15 years compounded annually and
adjusted for inflation, this will save enough in food purchased at the
store to pay for the Bass boat. Make sure the graph paper is
completely covered with lots of numbers and percentage signs.
Women hate percentage signs. Note, the bigger her headache at this
point the more likely it is you’ll get your Bass boat.
Category: You don’t want to visit her Mother.
It’s Sunday and you’ve got both the National and American League
playoff games to look forward to - one in the morning and the other
in the afternoon. You have beer chillin' in the fridge, chips and salsa
ready as well. This is going to be great as you clear away everything
on the coffee table to make way for your upcoming feast. This is
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about the time your woman will come in and ask just what the hell
you think you’re doing (she will neither wait nor be interested in an
answer) because you should be getting ready to go to her Mother’s in
less than an hour or did you forget? Remain calm. In the first place,
no you did not forget. Don’t hesitate, make sure you say this quickly
as if it’s been on your mind all along. In the second place, you’d
better read the plan on this one or your going to be spending the rest
of the day looking at 50-year-old pictures of her long-departed
family, drinking lukewarm dead flower tea and choking down
biscotti.
Plan: Make her think it's her idea.
Remember you’re a sensitive guy. You want to make sure that your
woman is getting everything she needs nutritionally, physically and
emotionally. And you want to make sure that she is aware that it was
just recently that you were listening to Dr. Phil discussing
relationships (her eyebrows should be way up on her forehead at this
point) and that several women had called in to say that the advice of
their Mothers was often a great help and benefit to them. And in
particular, the time that they can spend alone with their Mothers to
talk and share feelings seemed so very important to these women. You
also want her to know that her well-being is very important to you and
if that means having to forgo a visit to her Mothers now and again in
order to allow them both the time they need together, well then so be
it. Let her know that you are willing to make that sacrifice. This will
go over well, if you have actually listened to Dr. Phil and can quote
him on occasion.
Exercise 3.2 - You, Before and After
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This exercise is just something to think about and reflect upon. When a man
comes into a woman’s life it’s as if she’s just received a square 200 pound, 6-
foot tall block of granite on her door step. She sees this big lump of a thing
sitting there taking up space on her porch and in her life. Well, she can’t very
well deal with this thing as it is, so what does she do? She does what every
good woman does. She drags this thing in the house and cleans it up, wipes it
down, picks the crust out of its eyes and basically prepares this thing for the
onslaught to come. Next she gets out her hammer and chisel, metaphorically
speaking, or sometimes not, and starts chipping away at this poor slob of a
guy to see what’s really under there.
And that’s pretty much what actually happens. She’ll begin chipping away at
you with subtle nagging, thinly veiled suspicion, vague characterizations
concerning your family, doubts about your manhood until there’s nothing
more left to chip away. Then, when your standing there naked and
defenseless, she’ll decide whether or not she actually wants to keep you. She
may not, so be prepared to rebuild your soul quickly because there’s more
date’s awaitin' out there.
There is a much more devious manner in which women will chip away at
that stubborn exterior of the male. It’s difficult to explain, but it involves the
subtle manipulation of the male into situations in which he will likely fail or,
at the very least, will become embarrassed. Or sometimes only for
entertainment purposes. Regardless, of the motivation the deviousness of
these actions cannot be overstated. Let me relate the following story which
will illustrate what I mean:
Many years ago my girlfriend, Carol, and I took a trip to Big
Bear for some R&R. As my car was in the shop we had taken
her car, a Honda Accord. Before we left I told her that I
wouldn’t be able to help her drive as it was not an automatic
and I had never learned to drive a stick. She had no problem
with driving the 3 hours there and back. Well, wouldn’t you
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know that on the way back she decided that she was just too
tired to drive any further and so guess who was elected to
drive. Yes, that’s right; the only person in the car who did not
know how to drive a stick.
She said that it would be easy for me to drive a stick and
that once I got into 3rd or 4th gear I wouldn’t have to bother
with that shifting thing any longer. So, what the hell. We had
stopped at a deserted intersection somewhere near Apply
Valley where we swapped places in the car. Immediately 4
other cars showed up at the intersection, including an
impatient little guy in a big truck behind me. Carol said that
since the car was still running I could just put the car in gear
and get going.
Well, I wasn't an idiot. I’d watched people drive manual
transmissions before. I had a good idea of the basics. So I
put the clutch in, shifted into gear, let out the clutch, moved
forward about 2 feet and promptly stalled the car. I was
slowly edging into the intersection trying to restart the car
when Carol began laughing. I popped the clutch once again
and started moving forward, but only a few inches at which
point the car again stalled. The other cars began honking as
I was now blocking the entire intersection. Carol was
laughing so hard that she couldn’t tell me that I was trying to
start out in 3rd gear. I was trying to get out of that
intersection for almost 5 minutes. Giving up I just got out,
walked to the side of the road and sat down. Carol regained
her composure, came to her senses and finally drove us
home. I didn’t talk to her the entire way back.
Exercise 3.3 - Apologies
I can hear you men now, “Why should I apologize to her? I didn’t do
nothing”. Oh you fool, have you learned nothing? OK, let’s go over this
slowly. Consider the all too common occurrence: She’s mad at you and
you’re not sure why. All that you know is that something is bothering her.
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Sound familiar? So, what do you usually do. You end up apologizing to her
without knowing why you’re doing so. Men make this mistake only once (or
twice if you’re stupid). She will immediately ask why you’re apologizing.
You will have to admit to her that you don’t know why you’re apologizing
which will generate yet another round of apologies. A vicious circle, no?
Now, had you been born a woman you would know what’s bothering her.
And what’s bothering her is typically the fact that you, her man, her one and
only partner in life, the person who is closer to her than anyone in the world,
doesn’t know what's bothering her. That’s right, she often feels that you
really know nothing about her and furthermore have no interest in learning.
Since you are a man, you continue to have no idea why she should be upset
because, well, it still doesn’t make any sense does it? Be patient, little
Locust, one day you too may understand.
Whether or not you understand the preceding Zen Koan, you will need to
deal with this situation effectively. Of course, the best way to apologize to a
woman is to apologize for something you’ve actually done wrong. At least
here you know what you’re apologizing for, whereas in some situations you
may not. Well, fear not gentlemen. I have here the cure for what ails ya.
That’s right guys, gather around and sample Dr. Patience’ Generic Apology
Elixir. Distilled from the finest phrases found throughout the world this tonic
should work wonders for any situation in which you find you are confused,
tired and lacking focus. And so without further ado, here you go: “Darling, I
am sorry I have not taken the time to understand you and your needs. My
desire to provide for you and your comfort has tragically robbed us of our
precious time together. I promise to be more attentive to you in the future my
darling sweetheart.” This, guys, is as good as it gets.
The next best way to apologize is to apologize for something you’ve actually
done wrong. Now, having said that, try not to apologize for anything she may
only suspect you of, but has no proof. Only cop to something she can prove.
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However, once your guilt has been proven admit everything immediately.
This may sound like a contradiction, but we’re not necessarily discussing
something rational here so bear with me. The decision as to how to best
handle this situation will involve understanding just what it is she thinks
you’ve done wrong. You need to figure out why she’s angry regardless of the
difficulty. Then, at least you’ve got some specifics concerning your
transgression. You can sprinkle these specifics liberally throughout your
subsequent apology to add credence and believability. Be sincere, though. A
woman can see the lies in your eyes.
Consider, however, the scenario in which you may be accused of something
you had not done. This happens more often than you would think,
particularly if you’re in the habit of actually doing things for which you end
up in trouble. Given that this is not the case this time, and that you are
innocent, you’ve got two choices here:
Prove her wrong. Yeah, this is a good idea. Prove her wrong thus
exonerating yourself and pissing her off in the process. Present your
evidence, call your witnesses, file your writ of Habeas Corpus and
show in excruciating detail how and why she is wrong. This will gain
you the day, but lose you the night - if you get my drift. You have to
ask yourself, just what is it you’re after here anyway? To be right and
alone on the couch, or wrong with her in bed. The choice, as they say,
is yours.
Apologize. Yes, that’s right, apologize at once for whatever it was
you’ve been accused. Ask for her forgiveness and make sure you
sound sincere. Don’t sob and don’t whimper. Apologize like a man;
on your knees, wearing nothing but an athletic supporter, a lobster bib
and a jaunty cap. Try to make your eyes as big as possible, like a
puppy’s.
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Depending upon what it is you’ve done, one or the other described above
may be correct. Try not to do both as she will take you apart like she took
apart her Ken Doll when it didn’t call Barbie the day after she finally put
out. Geeze, this therapy doesn’t seem to be helping at all does it? Well,
anyway consider the following example:
My friend Jeff and a female co-worker of his went to a store
during their lunch break to pick up a present for a colleague.
A friend of Jeff’s wife happened to see them during their
shopping excursion. She called and told his wife just what
she thought she was seeing which, of course, was wrong.
Jeff’s wife had the afternoon to ponder the situation.
So when Jeff got home that evening he knew something was
amiss, by virtue of his clothing strewn about the front lawn. I
guess this is preferable to having ExLax secretly stuffed into
ones dinner as had happened to another friend. Jeff instantly
and immediately apologized for not telling her sooner about
the shopping outing. Though it did take quite some time, as
well as quite the number of shinny baubles, she did
eventually forgive him. Jeff showed great poise and presence
of forethought here by defusing a potentially difficult
situation.
Imagine what could have happened if Jeff were to have argued his case rather
than apologized to his wife. Again, we need to keep in mind just what is the
goal here? Do you really want to prove her wrong? This would likely require
a great deal of energy and where will that effort likely lead? To a harmonious
home life and a comfortable relationship with your one and only true love? I
think not. Look at the big picture and ask yourself if proving her wrong is in
your best interest. In my opinion, often it is not.
* Women *
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Men are relatively easy to deal with since they’re fairly simple creatures which require
no more than basic maintenance (oil, filters, lube, wash, rinse, repeat). Though most
men need no more than this and the occasional heaping plate of barbecued ribs to get by,
there are additional concerns with which you may want to familiarize yourself.
Exercise 3.4 - More Basics
The basics we speak of here are the absolute necessities in the world of
men, though women, for the most part, have no concept of their place in his
world. Women will see this as just another set of excuses for men to drink.
While there certainly may be some truth to this do not take these basics
lightly as their importance cannot be overestimated.
Sports. Men need sports like women need shoes. I'm serious. It’s a
genetic thing and you, the female, do not necessarily need to
understand but rather simply to tolerate. Most men do not need (or
want) to play sports. Living vicariously through their sporting idols is
more than enough. The real problem with sporting events (baseball,
football and basketball are the favorites for the American male) is not
that he’ll spend a serious amount of time laying on the couch stuffing
his face with heavily-salted snack foods watching people with thyroid
conditions running around like idiots, it’s that his mood will vary
depending upon the fortunes of his particular team. You will likely
not know how his team has done until after the game has ended and
something tips you off as to his mood (like a fist through the wall or
attempting back flips in the living room).
If you have the sort of man whose idea of a manly sporting event
includes snooker, darts or cricket then what you’ve got there is either
an Englishman or some kind of European mongrel. An Englishman
can be dealt with to some extent as long as he’s not a soccer hooligan.
Soccer-crazed men simply exist to serve as an example to others. Not
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so much as a mentor as it is a 'Scared Straight' sort of thing. American
men, in general, think that any sport which can be viewed while
eating and drinking is just fine with them. However, if you got
yourself one of those European types who think that bathing is a
spectator sport, you might want to find the section on his hygiene and
study up on it.
Alcohol, etc.. Men need to drink something. Men need to smoke
something. Men need to prepare themselves for any and all upcoming
female engagements. Note that alcohol, and such are even more
important if there is no upcoming female engagement on the horizon.
Men love beer, but will drink wine if there’s a damn good reason,
such as there’s nothing left in the house but Drambui and Ovaltine (an
attempt to mix the two is not a mistake men are likely to repeat). So,
let’s discuss a man’s need for alcohol and the like. A man sees the
world as it is: Rotten. It’s a tough world and it’s getting tougher.
Nothing is easy for a man, and his surly demeanor reflects the trials
he’s had to endure. This is why men drink. That and women. I’m not
certain what percentage of a men’s alcohol intake is attributable to
women but I’d venture to say upwards of 95% or so. Ladies, that’s
how important you are.
A woman sees the world as it should be: Lovely, filled with hearts,
stars and butterflies. A place where animals don’t eat one another, but
rather order out. If you doubt this, check out the difference between
men’s and women’s prisons. A man’s prison is a hell hole, a hole in
one of the lower levels of hell to be accurate. A woman’s prison is
basically a quilting bee with discussion groups and daily support
sessions led by a team of consoling consolers. It’s just how women
are, it’s their nature. So women by their very nature have a pretty
good view of the world, unrealistic as it may be, while men need
something to give the world that rosy color. And there’s nothing like a
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couple of good stiff Zombies or Long Island Iced Teas to rosy-things-
up some. Women, once he has reached this semi-blissful state, it is a
perfect time to talk to him. He will pay attention better than he’s been
able to before and will remember the conversation just as well.
Sports Bars. Combining the best of both worlds we have sports and
alcohol in a smoky, mostly male-only environment. With scantly-clad
waitresses serving the drinks, you have the male version of paradise
here on Earth. This is an environment in which the male can get
plastered with others of his kind while loudly rooting for his team.
No, not just his team, their team! The entire place is typically rooting
for one team or the other. A tip for the women out there. If you, a
female, were to be stuck in a sports bar with no way out, just do what
my uncle Jimmy in Texas does. He’s almost blind and when driving
figures out when to go or stop by what the car next to him does.
You can do the same thing and go along with the group. Simply cheer
when everyone else does and say “crap” when they do as well.
Regardless of the sport, you’ll be a real fan in no time. You should
realize, however, that women other than waitresses are looked upon in
a Sports Bar as bad luck. Just as on the ships of old, women are
viewed with suspicion in these venues. So, if the home team starts to
pull up lame, you may want to excuse yourself and slip out of the
women’s bathroom window. Just something to keep in mind.
Food (Pizza, Ribs, Burgers, Tacos, etc.) Anything other than pasta,
quiche, fruit or vegetables. If it doesn’t contain meat, it ain’t food. It’s
probably the stuff that food eats. My friend Fast Eddy once said that
he had not eaten a vegetable in 20 years, “I think if I ate a vegetable
now it would kill me”. In this, men and women differ greatly. My Ex
wouldn’t eat anything with eyelashes or a face. I won’t eat anything
that didn’t have a face. Men love anything that is deep fried, and it
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seems that you can deep fry almost anything. My Grandma was
making deep fried okra and hush puppies for my Grandpa one day
when I asked if she wasn’t concerned about cholesterol? She looked at
me like I was insane and said, “Everyone today is worried about fat
and cholesterol. Why, back in my day, we didn’t have cholesterol.
Crap, if we did, we woulda just fried it up and ate it”.
Food is about as important to men as is sex; depending upon the time
of day, maybe more. You can, if you have your sweet little heart set
on it, spend hour after hour making him a wonderful meal; perfectly
braised lamb basted with caramelized carrots and new red potatoes,
nice big bowl of greens, freshly baked sourdough bread (which you
made yourself using your own starter), and a hot Granny Smith apple
pie with melted Cheddar cheese. He will spend about 5 minutes
stuffing everything down, belch loudly, wipe his mouth on the table
cloth, go into the living room to watch TV and pass out while you sit
there gaping like a trout, no longer looking forward to a wonderful
meal and scintillating conversation. You can get mad if you want, but
it probably won’t do any good. You have been warned.
His Things. Women like to throw stuff out. His stuff.
Everything that is needed she already has and so his crap is no longer
necessary. It may, however, not be as easy as simply tossing
something of his into the garbage. He may have developed some
attachment to that 30-year-old bean-bag chair, the broken and leaking
lava lamp, or that hideous green vinyl couch. He will attempt to
explain to you that his silverware is actually the tradition snowflake
pattern in which every one is different. He will, of course, not be
successful. You can start by telling him that all of his crap is crap and
should be thrown out because it smells like someone’s feet. Make sure
that you don’t give in here, this is not the place to compromise. His
stuff is crap, I know it, you know it, he knows it. Just get rid of it.
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Mute, deaf women. On occasion a man will need for you to be deaf
and mute - probably at the same time. He will need you to be deaf in
the sense that you pretend not to have heard the stupid things he’s just
uttered, and mute in the sense that you won’t say anything about it to
him or anyone else. This is technically known as a 'mulligan' and he
will owe you one for doing this for him. Note: for the women out
there. A mulligan is when you are on the golf course and you take a
swing at the ball and screw-up so badly, that your friends choke
because they’re laughing so hard. You get to replay that ball once
without penalty. You usually get one mulligan per round. This is
opposed to a 'dick-out' which is what happens if you don’t hit your
initial drive past the woman’s tee. In that event you have to walk that
hole with your dick sticking out of your pants - hence the term 'dick-
out'. They never grow-up, do they?
His private cave. From the “Men are from Mars...” crowd we know
that men will, on occasion, go and sit in their caves to be alone and
ponder things. This is how men work things out and figure it out for
themselves. They really don’t need to be alone during this time, it also
works just as well if you just don’t talk to them for awhile. Many men
will retreat to the garage or workshop to fire-up something electrical
which makes a hellofalotta noise, throws stuff like sawdust or metal
shavings several feet into the air and is probably somewhat dangerous.
Men like to make a lot of noise while thinking. It help them think
better and to make difficult decisions such as whether or not to have
another beer. Typically, the initial decision would be to have another
beer and consider the question in more depth.
Exercise 3.5 - Your Cat
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OK, this is going to hurt. You might want to skip this section until you think
you can handle it. Here it is: Get rid of your cat. That’s it - I said it! Someone
had to say it and I said it. You need to realize that your cat is simply a
surrogate partner. You’ve redirected all of the love, attention and affection
you have to offer toward this critter which, trust me, does not love you back.
Whatever you may think, your cat simply tolerates you as long as you feed it
and treat it kindly. It would kill you and eat you if it thought it were possible.
How well do you think your cat would tolerate you if you were the size of a
mouse? To this predator, you’d be just another tasty morsel once it finished
playing with you.
Men hate cats. Men will usually make a big production of being kind to your
cat when you’re around, but once your back is turned he will scare the crap
out of it. The real issue here is that, while a man will not necessarily demand
all of your attention, he does not want you to have any other focus for your
affection. Note that if your man relents and allows you to keep your cat,
you’re going to need to revise your relationship with this animal. Best, at this
point, to count your blessings and make it an outside cat. Feeding it
occasionally should give you both a few minutes together. On the off chance,
however, that the man brings his own cat into the relationship, then run. Run
fast, run far and do not look back.
Exercise 3.6 - Be Flexible
When dealing with a man it is imperative that you learn to be flexible. This is
because you are going to have to put up with a lot of crap. As my Grandma
used to say, “No matter what, if it's got tires or balls your going to have
trouble with it”. Oh that Grandma of mine; crude but correct. The following
are some reasons why a certain amount of flexibility on your behalf should
make for bucket-loads of relatively happy memories together:
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Short Memory Span. He’ll forget what you just told him. Yes I could
remind him in his section to write down the things you tell him, but he
would just forget. You, however, could gently remind him of some of
the more important things with which he will need to deal. You could
even go as far as to write things down for him. You may also need to
tell him the same thing over and over a few times before it really sinks
in. You need to understand that he has a lot on his mind. Baseball
statistics and songs whose lyrics he can’t quite accurately recall most
likely. Understand that there is only so much that will fit inside a man’s
head, so you need to decide beforehand what to leave in there and what
can be deleted without causing you even more grief.
He will Stretch the Truth. This is a given; men have to lie like fish
have to swim and birds have to fly. At the cellular level it has been
shown that there is a gene on the 'Y' chromosome that causes men to
make things up. Actually, I just made that up. See? Even when there is
no reason to, men will often lie. Just understand that it’s not our fault -
honest. The need for men to lie, I believe, initially came about as a
mechanism to attract women. Picture this: The very large, very hairy
cave man comes back to his village empty-handed. Now, if he tells
everyone that he got bombed on fermented figs and has been sleeping
for the past two days under a tree rather than hunting, he will not be
looked upon favorably. However, if instead he tells everyone a
harrowing tale about the “…big-ass Mammoth…” that somehow got
away, the women will be so impressed by his manliness that they will
all want to sleep with him regardless of his overwhelming stinkyness.
Imagine the first man who thought up the concept of lying. The women
he must have had....
Not the Brightest Bulb... He will do or say something stupid. Yet
another given here. Please be patient, we honestly had only the purest
of intentions and the noblest of goals in mind. We did not mean to
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screw-up. How were we to have known, for example, that inflammable
meant flammable? Yes, well sure if we would have actually read the
instructions. Realize that often he is making a valiant attempt at doing
good. It could be something as simple as a really nice compliment
which just, well, didn't come out right. Usually there will be others
around when he does or says something stupid. When this happens, and
it will happen, nobody will notice the man behind the stupidity as he is
pretty much expected to behave in this manner. All eyes will, however,
be on you, his woman. Other women will nod their heads and
sympathize knowing that it could as easily have been them, while
others, like your Mother, will be firmly entrenched in the “I Told You
So” camp.
Not the Sharpest Tool... He will do or say something to piss you off.
Yet, another high possibility on this one as it’s similar to the previous
issue, yet with subtle differences. OK, he’s done something, yet again,
to make you angry. Now there are two possibilities here: Either he did
whatever it is he did on purpose, or else it was simply a man-moment.
Let’s take these one at a time. If it was just a man-moment, then please
refer to the bullet-point above for more information. In this case this is
likely something which he began with good intentions and then ran off
into the weeds somewhere along the way. If, however, he actually did
something on purpose which angered or pissed you off, well then have
at him. He deserves whatever he gets which, depending on the severity
of the act, might be a frying pan to the forehead, a ride to the local 'Y'
or an irate call from your lawyer.
His Wandering Eye. He will look at other women, you’re going to
have to live with this fact. There is every chance that your man will be
looking at other women any time he is out in public, regardless of
whether you are with him or not. As my Ex had said many times, “Men
are dogs”. Actually, I'm a chicken hawk (yes, this is what happens
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when you grow up watching cartoons while eating sugar-coated
cereals). Back to men and their wandering eye. You can castigate him
for this if you see fit, but it probably won’t do any good. Notice that I
said ‘castigate’ and not “castrate’, which wouldn’t do any good either.
If he has read this book, he’ll probably just say, “How would I know
how beautiful you are unless I compare you to other women which, I
must say, simply don’t compare?”. Oh, he’s good.
Exercise 3.7 - Your Faithful Man?
It has been said by those wiser than I that a man is only as faithful as his
options. This is certainly not true for every man, but it definitely is for a
large percentage of us. Why should this be so, you ask yourself? “Don’t I
slave day in and day out to give him everything he wants, everything he
needs? Isn’t my every waking thought about him, his concerns and his
comfort? Doesn’t he know I love him? Doesn’t he know that I care? That
bastard! I'll kill him!!!”
OK everyone, let’s just calm down, take a deep breath here and get some
perspective. Now I could say that it’s only natural that a man have the desire
to mate with as many females as possible thus maximizing the chances that
his subsequent offspring will....blah, blah, blah. I can see many of you out
there conspiring as we speak to track me down so that you can feed this book
to me through my butt. Well, hold on a minute ladies. I have another, and I
think less potentially painful, explanation.
Of course, your man is probably faithful. Statistics I've uncovered from 1973
say that less than 25% of men (as well as 15% of women) in committed
relationships cheat on their mates. So chances are, or were back in '73, that
you have nothing to worry about. Contrary to what you might think, men do
indeed have a conscience. They know the difference between right and
wrong. Why, then, do they seem to have so much trouble in doing what’s
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right? My belief is that it’s not “any other woman” which a man seeks but
rather just “another woman” on occasion.
This may sound like I’m nuts, but bear with me here a minute and let me try
to explain. I think that most men would be very happy and comfortable with
the concept of having 3 or 4 wives or girlfriends. This concept, which seems
to work well in many cultures, is that a man would have multiple partners in
a relationship. Have these other cultures discovered the solution to a long
hidden truth about men? Has the development of this sort of socially
accepted relationship between 3 or 4 adults operated in some way to preclude
the sorts of problems we find in our culture? Have they found an effective
solution to a cheating partner? Have they found an effective solution to the
fact that a man would have 3 or 4 mothers-in-law? Am I asking too many
questions? I think the answer to all of these is a resounding, yes!
In these polygamist cultures, the husband would spend 2 or 3 days with each
wife and then move onto the next, eventually rotating around to the
beginning again. In this way, his need for variety is satisfied and his interest
is maintained by the different women in his life. This would, if nothing else,
tend to keep him occupied. I think that, since our society allows only a single
partner, men are driven to look for affairs because of just those needs which
other cultures have addressed. The questions is; would a man with 3 or 4
wives ever cheat on them? I think the polite answer is no. I think the accurate
answer is, who would have the time or energy?
Regardless of what other societies deem acceptable, ours is pretty much
based upon the one man one woman concept. I have no doubt that you’re
now thinking, “Am I to understand that I simply have to put up with this sort
of behavior from him? Is there nothing I can do to make him realize that I am
the one and only woman he needs in his life?” Well, you can certainly try
your best at convincing him of that fact, but I’m telling you here and now
that you may be disappointed in the results. Alright then, what to do? My
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best guess on this one is to simply trust your man. That’s right, there’s
nothing more to it. If you have the sort of relationship that you want to last,
then you need to have implicit trust in your man that he will do what’s right.
If, however, you cannot bring yourself to trust your man once he’s out of
your sight then you might just want to consider calling it quits. You’ll always
be suspicious of him anyway. If you don’t have trust in him then you don’t
have anything to build upon. Trust is like the foundation of a relationship. If
trust does not exist between you and your partner, then your relationship is
nothing more than a house of cards constructed on the slippery back of a
drowning turtle. Right? OK, I think it’s time for another beer.
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Habit #4
Think “She’s Going to Win”
One of the other Habits in this book, I forget which one exactly, talks about striving for a
mutually beneficial relationship. I think this is a very good idea and once you learn more
about the concept, you will as well. So, just what is a mutually beneficial relationship?
It’s one in which most of the time she’s happy and you’re not in trouble. As we all know
if she ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. So, we want to get into the habit of doing things
that make her happy, or at least that don’t piss her off. This is known as a win / win
situation and is what we will be aiming for in these exercises. This is opposed to
something like a win / lose situation which may be characterized by your mate being
happy, and you not so much. Or worse yet, a lose / lose scenario in which nobody gets
what they want.
One of the main topics within this section will concern the ever-popular argument.
Arguments are an important part of any relationship. We do all love to argue, don’t we?
Well, some of us do and some of us don’t, and some of us live for nothing else. So let’s
talk about an average argument between you and your partner. In an argument of any
appreciable length (say, of more than a minute or so) you, the defenseless man, probably
won’t have a chance. This is because women are really good at arguing whereas men are
usually not. What happens during an argument is that a woman will have about 10
distinct thoughts swirling around in her brain concerning any given topic, while a man
typically doesn’t even know how the sentence he’s just started will end. This gives
women a distinct advantage in the art of arguing.
Now, men, does this mean that we should just give-up and not even bother to argue?
Absolutely not! Quite the contrary. We need to get back in there and give as good as we
get. Got it? Good. We’re not going to take this lying down. No, at some point we will
not. So, we’ll hit the snooze and sleep on this a bit longer but once the alarm goes off
again we’re going to get up, get going and get after it. We just need to sleep a bit longer.
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* Men *
The exercises within this section are some of the more challenging and rewarding in the
entire series. They will allow you to learn how to win while appearing to give in to her
irrational demands. You will become a clever practitioner of the art of male subterfuge.
Male subterfuge you say? What the hell? Let’s take a simple example; the act of
screwing up the laundry or the dishes by shrinking one and breaking the other. She will,
of course, never let you deal with these household activities again. Question is, did you
screw up by accident, or...?
Take, however, a more subtle approach. This scheme required forethought as well as
planning and practice, but it was well worth it. To begin with, I secretly learned to fake a
sneeze. And I mean a really good fake - you couldn’t tell it from the real thing. Next I let
my partner know that I had a variety of allergies including cats, dust, molds, relatives,
etc. and that I would get asthma if it got too bad. And furthermore, that I would die if I
didn’t do something to remedy the problem. I am allergic to cats, but none of the rest of
that was true. Although, it is true that if someone were to tie a cat to my face, I just might
expire.
So what you say? So here’s what; when I find myself in yet another situation that I want
to get out of, such as an afternoon with her relatives and their 10 screaming kids when I
would rather be at home watching the playoffs, I simply begin my fake sneezing attack.
Making sure she and others take notice and ask about it, I would wheezingly reply that
all that would be needed would be for me to get my butt back on the couch for the
remainder of the afternoon. Now what do you think? Diabolical, no? Understand that this
sort of thing takes planning, practice, timing and flawless execution. I wouldn’t expect
the novice to conjure up nor successfully execute such a scheme. Years of patience and
practice, little Locust, years of patience and practice.
Exercise 4.1 - Should I Argue?
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Should you argue with your woman? No, not unless it’s really quick. Don’t
get into a protracted argument with your woman. She will win, or to be more
accurate, you will lose. After many years of experience, my view is that for
the most part it’s just not worth the effort. If, however, you are dead set on
an argument, make it short and sweet. Don’t pull any punches - get in there,
say what you need to say without beating around the bush, and get out. It’s
like a boxing match, you’ve got at most one good round in you so make it
count. If you can’t wrap it up within that first round, best take a dive. You
ain’t got the legs; I know it, you know it, she knows it. You are simply not
going the distance, so don’t even try. Whatever the outcome, just know that
you’ve done the best you could - provided, of course, that you’ve really done
the best you could.
While I’ve stated that my view is, for the most part, an argument is simply
not worth the effort, many other men have a different opinion. They are of
the opinion that they can, in fact, win an argument. Now while that is true in
theory, it remains tantalizingly elusive in practice. The reason is that it is
difficult to determine just what exactly the spoils of victory are when you’re
sleeping in your car because you’ve been locked out for the night yet again.
Case in point:
In March of 1994 my Ex and I attended the wedding of our
friends Peter and Donna. We had not seen them since
moving away about a year earlier, but had keep in touch off
and on. We arrived a bit late, to find the potential Bride and
Groom arguing. They were standing in the parking lot of the
restaurant where the wedding was to be held. We had
thought it an odd location for a wedding and reception, but
who were we to talk. We were married by a blind, barefoot
Native American shaman deep in a mist shrouded redwood
forest (guess whose idea that was).
Upon approaching the arguing couple we quickly learned the
reason for the heated discussion. The kitchen of the
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restaurant was apparently next to the location of the
wedding ceremony, separated only by a thin wall. The Bride
had asked (told) the Groom to tell the restaurant personnel
to keep quiet in the kitchen since the banging of pots and
pans could be clearly heard through the walls.
The Groom dutifully had asked the restaurant folks to cool it
with the dishes which they had apparently agreed to do, but
only at the last minute since they still had customers to feed.
The Groom agreed and left it at that. The Bride, still hearing
the noises once the Groom had returned, was pissed. She
wanted them to stop now, not later. The Groom tried to
explain to his betrothed that they will stop as soon as the
ceremony began. She was having none of this crap. It was
her wedding and, dammit, she was going to have it exactly
the way she wanted. The argument was getting loud, heated
and ugly, when the groom finally said, “Look, that’s the way
it’s going to be so just live with it”. She just turned and
stormed-off. He said to us, “Well, I guess I showed her whose
the boss”. I had to pinch my Ex to keep her from laughing.
We next saw them at the ceremony.
As she walked down the aisle the sound of the Wedding
March mixed unpleasantly with the crashing of pots and
pans being washed, apparently, by violently banging them
together. You could see she was very, very upset. As soon as
she got to the makeshift alter the music and dish washing
stopped together as if on queue. The actual ceremony itself
took less than 5 minutes after which the bride and groom did
not kiss, but rather both simply turned to face the small
strangely quiet gathering. After an uncomfortable pause the
Groom said, “That’s it, let’s eat”. The banging of pots and
pans instantly began once again.
The Groom proceeded to get surprisingly drunk while the
Bride locked herself in the restaurant bathroom and cried for
the remainder of the evening. Her bridesmaid sat by the
door funneling in strong drink, chicken wings and Kleenex for
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hours. All in all it was not that bad and certainly not the most
unpleasant wedding I had attended in my time. I was the
best man at a wedding in the mid-1980’s. I still have less
than fond memories of the surprisingly quick training course,
the subsequent ceremony and my spectacularly
unsuccessful landing during one of the last legally
sanctioned skydiving weddings in Baja California. Peter and
Donna were married for a short, tumultuous 3 month period
before being divorced. Winner!
Exercise 4.2 - Talking About It
Men tend to be as comfortable talking about their relationship as they are
buying sanitary napkins in the supermarket on a Saturday morning, with a
girl scout troop behind them - pointing, giggling and whispering. Oh, sorry.
Now then, when it’s time to talk about your relationship, and make no
mistake about it the time will indeed come, take a deep breath and steel
yourself for the onslaught. This is not going to be your average conversation.
You are probably going to have to listen, pay attention and maybe even
participate in this discussion. You’re sweating, aren’t you.
If you find yourself faced with the prospect of having to actually talk about
your relationship, and you’ve already tried faking seizures, heart attacks and
the uncontrollable channeling of Ward Bond - none of which worked - then
you are likely to have to really do some actual talking. So, here’s what I
would suggest - apologize. Yup, that’s right. Get the first punch in by
apologizing. Say to her that you don’t spend enough time with her and that
you feel you’ve been taking her for granted lately. This is good because even
if you haven’t, she’ll feel you have. Add, sincerely, that you want to make it
up to her by doing more of the housework as well as taking her out for a
special evening - just for her. If you can manage to actually make that a
perfect evening for her, you may never have to talk about your relationship
ever again. Does this work? Well, it has so far. Was it worth the effort? Oh,
you bet!
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Exercise 4.3 - Where will Anger Get Me?
Where will your anger and temper get you? Usually nowhere, depends upon
your woman and her mood. Women typically don’t like to see anger in her
man directed her way. It’s not a comfortable feeling and picks away at any
trust and affection you have built up between you two. However, if you are
not showing enough emotion, then she may actually demand that you get
angry about something just to prove you’re not made of stone and that there
is some feeling in you. So, there are times when you should get angry and
times when you should not. Just exactly how to tell when you should get
angry and when you should not is anyone’s guess.
Consider the woeful tale of myself and a date just after
bowling one evening. We had bowled a few games and had
ourselves a few beers. She had beat me all three games and
was something less than a sportsmanlike winner. I, on the
other hand, was an even worse looser and was getting really
tired of hearing my date scream, "Girls rule, girls rule!"
I just wanted to get her home and be done with this rather
emasculating evening as I lifted the hood of my Ford Pinto to
get it started. OK, I guess an explanation is in order here.
The key broke off in the ignition which sort of implied that it
would always be running, which would be true were it not for
an odd electrical problem it also had. This problem would
manifest itself by everything in the car stopping and dying at
the same time. Wherever I happened to be at the time was
where I parked.
So, when starting the car it had to be in neutral and I would
just touch a screwdriver between two terminals under the
hood. With a shower of sparks it started right up, usually.
This is what I was doing in the empty parking lot of the
bowling alley that night. Problem was that I didn’t have the
car in neutral and when I touched the screwdriver to the
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terminals the car started and jumped forward hitting the side
of the building, and stopping with the front tire on top of my
left foot.
It sort of hurt, but not too much. Probably because I was
drunk, but not too much. My date, on the other hand, was
three-sheets-to-the-wind and laughing her ass off. I was so
pissed I started yelling at her to get in the car and put it into
reverse. This did not have quite the desired results. Rather
than helping me as requested, she displayed a hand gesture
which, I was to soon discover, meant, “Yeah, right. I’ll be
right back. I just need to run home and get my camera.”
Fortunately, a friendly cop happened by before she got back
and helped me out of my predicament. And yes, he was
laughing as well.
Exercise 4.4 - Cheating
Guys, please don’t cheat on your woman. She will find out. Let me repeat
this - SHE WILL FIND OUT! Make sure you understand this completely.
Good. OK, so when you do cheat realize that the only thing you’ll be able to
think about afterward is not getting caught. While it’s pretty much a given
you will get caught (mostly because you are a stupid man and would think
nothing about having an affair with the next door neighbor, driving your own
car to a motel, or using your wife's credit card to pay for an hour’s worth of
depravity at your local Whore’s-R-Us), here are some tips for you anyway:
The Sniff Test. Your woman will give you the sniff test when you
get home from work, or if she is at all suspicious of your activities.
She will probably accomplish this by hugging you and quietly
sniffing your neck. Most men would be mistaken as to why a women
would do this. It is not, as one might suspect, to determine if you
smell like another woman's perfume (which could happen anyway so
watch yourself), but rather to determine if you’ve recently showered.
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You had better not have or you’re going to have some big-time
explaining to do.
So, you really don’t have a chance here. She will either detect the
scent of another woman on you, or else you will smell like you’ve
recently showered. You should now be aware of the fact that there is
no way out. Men have always believed that simply taking a shower
after an elicit affair will wash away not only their depraved sin but
the scent of said sin as well. Well, it won’t. Never has, never will.
Protection. For God sakes, if you’re going to cheat, wear a condom.
Nothing screams “Hey everyone, I’ve been cheating” like a good case
of one of the more popular STD’s. But explaining this to the typical
guy is all but useless. It’s got to be the woman’s responsibility (even
though I know full well it’s not) because most guys, given the
opportunity, will jump on pretty much any woman without a second
thought. Guys pretty much see each sexual encounter as if it were the
last chopper outta 'Nam. For all they know, this is it, this may be the
last time this will ever happen so why bother with protection?
An example of the lack of reasoning in the man who is having an
extramarital liaison is the following slice of life: The cheating man
asked his mistress, who was in the process of undressing, if her name
was Victoria Dumont? To which she answered that yes, it was, and
furthermore how he came by this information. He would say, of
course, by the provocative initials on her knickers.
Location, location, location. Just where is it you intend to perform
this illicit act? Her house? Your house? The park? You had better put
a lot of thought into this question. The last thing you’ll want is to be
seen and recognized by someone you and your wife know. I knew a
guy in college who preferred the Bavarian Romantic Poetry aisle of
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the Linguistics Section at the college library. He had never, in 6
years, been interrupted at that locale until one day when an aged
librarian happened by. He managed the unusual feat of staining both
the carpet as well as his honor at the same time.
Clean up your Act. Somehow you’re going to need to wash
afterwards really, really well without her becoming suspicious. It
would be preferable if you could do this before you get home, but
never forget the pending sniff test. Therefore, try to only wash the
crotch part of yourself. You don’t want to do this at home and have
your wife become suspicious as to why it is you’ve been scrubbing
your crotch for the past 20 minutes. Maybe a gas station bathroom
would work for this activity. Try to use a good strong soap if
possible. But don’t rub so hard that you chaff, or worse yet, become
excited (honest honey, I was just cleaning it and it went off)
The Money, Honey. If there is any money involved with this
reprehensible activity (dinner, web-sites, a fist-full of ones) make
sure that its sudden disappearance is not noticeable. Lot’s of luck on
this one, it’s not an easy thing to do. If you want to be proactive
about it (hey, these habits do come in handy) you could save up little
bits of money over time to pay for your depraved sexual malfeasance.
But realize that this would clearly demonstrate intent and so could
end-up getting you in even more trouble than if she were to believe
that this was just some kind of spur-of-the-moment uncontrollable,
stupid male weakness. So, as far as money goes, since you’ve already
started ambling down that slippery path to hell, you may just as well
rob a liquor store.
Don’t tell anyone. Though, you will likely screw-up each of the tips
mentioned above, this is probably the one that will be the final nail in
the coffin with respect to your getting caught. Your telling someone
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what you’ve done is as good as her having an eye witness.
Remember, the walls have ears, the ceiling eyes. She has spies,
snitches, slime who would drop-a-dime on their own Mothers for the
price of a Whopper without cheese. So, if you intend to actually keep
this affair of yours a secret, you absolutely cannot tell anyone -
especially your woman.
Yes, indeed. This is what some so-called therapists would
recommend. It will aid in the healing for both of you to share in the
process, they will say. The therapist would argue that the only way to
face this head-on would be to just come out and tell her what you’ve
done. This is fine if you’re a therapist and get your money whether
things work out or not. However, this is actually a load of crap. Let’s
look at this from the perspective of your woman. Her view of this
situation would likely be that you simply what to break-up with her.
Why else would you have hurt her so badly by doing what you’ve
done and then telling her about it? There’s no other possible
explanation. You simply wanted to hurt her. So, in my opinion, if
you’re going to cheat, and then afterwards tell her about it, be
prepared to break-up.
Exercise 4.5 - Pay Attention
Notice anything new? These three words strike fear into the hearts of even
the bravest of men. Raging storms in the South Atlantic waves 80 feet high,
the horrors of hand-to-hand combat during the insanity of war, keeping an
accident victim’s heart beating with your own bare hands; nothing will shake
the rock-solid foundation of a man like the three words uttered by his
woman, “Notice anything new”? Upon hearing these words medically
detectable changes will occur in a guy’s physiology . The color will drain
from his face as the fight-or-flight response takes over, tunnel vision and a
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panicked search for escape routes quickly ensue. Sweat beads on his
eyebrows, his hands will become cold and clammy, his breathing shallow.
Your heart feels like a jackhammer is pounding in your chest as you realize
that there is no escape. In a panic you quickly scan millions of different
things in the room, on her person, in the air, on the walls, IN HER
DAMNED MIND, to try and determine what is different from the last time
you were put through this torture. OK, stop. Breath deeply and take a few
seconds here to calm down. You can deal with this; that’s why I went to all
the trouble of writing this damn book. Look at her, smile and say the
following, “Your hair looks wonderful and I just love your smile. My love
for you seems to grow with each and every passing day”, while
simultaneously praying for a heart attack. You could also try to bite off and
swallow your own tongue, but that would require a much greater expenditure
of energy and has been proven to be only slightly more effective.
Exercise 4.6 - Her Ex
One of the more perplexing questions men have asked over the years is how
to effectively deal with her Ex. This is easy, as you usually don’t have to do
anything. She is perfectly capable of defining whatever relationship they may
still have, which they shouldn’t be having in the first place. But if she wants
to stay in touch with an Ex I’ve found that it’s best not to push it. That is,
however, unless the past tense nature of that relationship somehow escapes
her notice. If she, therefore, spends too much time with an Ex, then this may
be cause for concern. Though, what exactly you would do in that case is far
beyond my level of expertise. I’d probably leave her before she throws me
out, but that’s just me. You could try asking her what she’s thinking, but
why?
If there is occasion for you to have any contact with her Ex, make sure that
you are always polite. Let him throw the first punch, this will demonstrate
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your preference for the high road. Your woman will appreciate this attitude
since there’s really nothing to fight over. She’s already dumped (or had been
dumped by) him and she’s now with you. If by chance you do happen to see
her Ex. Don’t go giving him that “Yeah, that’s right. I'm doing her now”
look in your eye. At best it will only make him nostalgic, at worse he will
rupture an internal organ laughing so hard.
* Women *
The exercises in this section are designed to allow you to become a gracious winner. We
already know that for the most part you’re going to win and get whatever it is that you
want. And all through the use of your feminine wiles. Damn those feminine wiles! Well
perhaps that’s as it should be but unless you allow him to think he’s won a significant
victory or two, at some point he may just grow tired of your shenanigans and up and
leave. Is that what you want? If so, then have at him and it won’t be long before you’re
killing your own spiders, fixing your own car, mowing your own lawn and hauling in
your own firewood. Otherwise, ladies, read on.
Exercise 4.7 - Should I Argue?
Don’t be ridiculous, what’s wrong with you? It's like asking if a pride of
lions should bring down a lame deer. They were born to eat venison and you
were born to argue. So, get in there and do what you do best. For the most
part he won’t want to argue fearing both losing as well as winning, but if he
does decide to give it a go realize that he is going to try for a quick ending. A
knockout in the first round as it were. Be patient, use the entire ring. Move
and jab, move and jab, you’re in this for the duration. You can easily tire him
out, he’s got no legs. It won’t be long before you’re receiving accolades from
the appreciative audience while he’s busy regaining consciousness.
If, however, he’s a keeper and you’d like to have him stick around for awhile
then you’re going to want to make him feel comfortable in expressing his
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thoughts, feelings and desires. As important as it is to allow him to express
himself, you’ll want to make sure that he understands that he cannot just go
and do whatever he pleases. So, this is a difficult balancing act in which you
want to make sure that the steam of frustration doesn’t build up too much
pressure in the ol' man-kettle, while at the same time making sure that he
knows intuitively when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, argument-wise.
This may sound unnecessarily convoluted, but after all it is men we’re
dealing with here for God’s sake. I guess the bottom line here is, would it
really hurt to let him win a meaningless victory or two once in a while? If
you could also make it seem, in some fashion, to have been a meaningful
victory that would really help as well.
Exercise 4.8 - Where will Anger Get Me?
Women are easily annoyed, angered, miffed, peeved; they heat-up quickly
and cool-down slowly. I have no doubt that there are plenty of women out
there who have just read this and are now pissed-off about it. See? But I
don’t have to tell you women out there that anger is an effective way to get
whatever it is you want. As the old saying goes, “If she ain’t happy, ain’t
nobody happy”. Realize, however, that there is only so much up with which a
man will put. If your anger is too intense or lasts to long (like there’s no end
in sight), he may just bail on you. This is why I would suggest crying as a
practical alternative. Men feel very guilty about leaving a woman while she’s
crying. Oh, they’ll still leave, but will feel guilty about doing so.
Long ago there was a commercial for something or other, which has really
stuck with me. Yeah, sounds like it you smirk. Screw you. I remember it
started out with this guy, a biker dude, gazing longingly at a picture. The
photo was of a beautiful Harley (chromed 1936 Knucklehead, if I'm not
mistaken) and there was a tear in his eye. The voice over said something like,
“Remember that bike you loved? The one you built with your own two
hands? The one your Ex-wife made you sell?” That commercial always
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meant a lot to me and I’ll always remember it for reasons which are not
presently clear. Regardless, consider the following:
Whilst between girlfriends in 1988, I decided to call in sick
for 3 days and head off to Lake Mead in Nevada. Great party
atmosphere and lots of women during the summer months. I
rented a motel room on the water and spent most of my time
drunk in one casino or another. In the room next to mine was
a couple with a baby. It was an unusually quiet infant, which
was great as I would usually get in after 4AM and sleep until
about 2 the next afternoon. One late afternoon, nursing yet
another hangover, I met the neighbors Ted “Just call me TJ”,
his young and pimply wife, Alma and their sleeping baby,
Image. Who would name a kid Image? Whatever. TJ did have
a shiny new ski boat though. It was a metal-flake red one
with a very big chrome engine.
They seemed nice enough for married folks but I needed a
shower and a drink, not necessarily in that order so I
excused myself. Coming out of the shower I heard what
sounded like twelve cats being tumble dried. It was coming
from next door. It was coming from Image. She was making
a nose like I’d never heard. I had to get away from there and
was just out of the door when Ted, uh TJ, called to me. He
asked if I wanted to head out for a boat ride. He apparently
needed to get away as well.
We headed to one of the many dockside bars upriver and
proceeded to get butt-faced in just under two hours. During
this time we had spent more than $200 and had collected an
obscene number of souvenirs as there was a wet tee-shirt
contest at this one particular bar. Who knew? It was dark by
the time we headed on back to our rooms. The water was
also very rough. It took quite a while to get back and I was
pretty sick by then. So was TJ. Once we got back he asked
me to just steer the boat because he wanted to get up on the
bow so the boat didn’t scrape the dock. It was then that we
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could see his less than thrilled wife standing there waiting
for us.
OK, now I want everyone to know that I have no idea what I
did next, so technically I’m innocent. The boat somehow
lurched forward and smashed into the dock throwing TJ over
into the water on the other side. A large sampling of our
souvenirs, which included an interesting collection of
women’s undergarments, also littered the dock. His wife just
stood there and stared at her husband who was floundering
and puking in the water. She just shook her head and walked
back inside. I saw TJ and his wife the next morning before I
left and went over to apologize. They were packing up to
leave. Image was also quiet once again. I told Alma how
sorry I was about what had happened. Without bothering to
look up and said, “We're selling the boat”. She looked at her
emasculated husband who shook his head in agreement.
They turned and left as did I. And that was that.
Exercise 4.9 - Where will Crying Get Me?
There is little a woman can utilize from her complete arsenal of relationship
weaponry which is more effective than crying. A man hates to see, or hear a
woman cry. Particularly if the reason that she’s crying in the first place is his
fault. It means, to a man, that things are just so bad that there is nothing left
for her to do but cry. She’s at her wits end and her only recourse at this point
is uncontrollable sobbing.
You, the woman, however know that crying is only one of many and varied
relationship-specific weapons which can be brought to bear on any particular
situation. Most men don’t realize that a woman can go from being a helpless,
sobbing lump to an angry, surprisingly season martial arts expert who can
inflict severe pain, in a wink of an eye. You will learn this quickly little
Locust if you are something other than completely sympathetic to her
feelings, particularly when she is crying.
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You’ll want to make sure, though, that only he sees you crying. If anyone
else were to see you crying they might think that something is actually wrong
and, God forbid, attempt to help. Men wouldn’t understand what you’re up
to because your actions would be taken out of context, while women would
understand implicitly. Without having that relationship frame of reference,
you become just another unhappy person in a sea of unhappy people. It is
also important to make sure he understands that although he may not be the
cause of your unhappiness, if nothing else he is at fault for not doing more to
console you. Men have no idea. They know nothing, nothing I tell you.
Exercise 4.10 - His Ex
He is likely paralyzed with fear and inactivity when it comes to his Ex. She,
like his mother, has probably damaged him so severely that he either
becomes a complete ass whenever she’s around, or else a whimpering,
spineless blob of unflavored gelatin. Regardless of his pathetic reaction, it is
up to you to define how he is to relate to his Ex. You let him know, in no
uncertain terms, that she is no longer part of his life and that if he ever does
see her again you’ll rip off his arm and use it to kill the bitch. That should do
it. Men just love the prospect of a cat fight.
If, however, he and his Ex share children, farm animals, clothing, hunting
dogs or other property then they will necessarily need to be in contact at
some point. In this event, you are going to want to make sure that you
chaperone the Ex couple. You don’t want to leave him alone with her. You
know how women are, they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want. And
what they usually want is your man. So, though you may have a high level of
trust in your man, this is not likely to be the case with his Ex. You know
what she’s after. Just let her know that you know what’s going on and send
her packing. If she won’t go then do not hesitate, just bitch-slap her into next
Friday and be done with it.
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Habit #5
Seek First to Understand, Then Realize You Won’t
If everyone would just agree that men will never understand women and women will
never understand men, then I think we could all just get back to what’s really important;
dinner. Actually, I haven’t had anything to eat yet and I was getting hungry. No, what’s
important is for each of us to understand how men and women differ from one another. It
is often revealing to focus upon those things that men and women naturally think about
differently. Learning about these differences can, to a great extent, help our partners
understand why we do what it is we do. While this certainly won’t explain everything
(why does he save his earwax?), it should cover most of your concerns. Here are some of
the things which men and women look at differently:
Shoes. For men, shoes are almost strictly utilitarian. Sporting equipment such as
ski boots, bowling shoes and flippers aside, men usually have two types of shoes.
They typically have work boots (these are for working) and tennis shoes (these
are for pretty much everything else). When our shoes get dirty we wash them off
with a hose and let them dry in the sun. Women, on the other hand, see shoes as
an extension of their bodies - the feet portion of the body primarily. One which
can be dressed-up with all sorts of different styles and colors and, oh, the new
fashions are coming out this fall and on and on and on.... Say what you want but
when I see a woman trying her best to walk in something that looks like someone
stapled a leather strap to a block of wood, it occurs to me that they have once
again become foot bound. Only this time, it’s their own idea.
If you watch women in a crowd, such as might be found in a mall or supermarket,
they will always look at the shoes of other women who pass by. Women judge
one another by their shoes. They can tell everything they need to know about
another woman by her shoes. Men do not know this, whereas women understand
it implicitly. Dogs smell each other’s butts, women look at each other’s shoes,
men don’t have a clue about one another. I once had a girl friend who stated that
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she could look at a woman's shoes and from that tell what she likes in bed. If only
this were a skill which could be taught, or bottled. Women typically have more
than two dozen pair of shoes, most of which seem to be specifically designed for
events which do not actually exist like cotillions and anniversary parties.
Chocolate. I could hardly find a better candidate than chocolate to illustrate how
men and women think about certain things differently. For men, chocolate is
simply a dessert item to be dealt with in relatively small quantities after a filling
meal of steak and potatoes. For women, chocolate means so very much more.
Chocolate acts on a woman’s brain in a physically detectable manner. It releases
endorphins (or some such mysterious thing) which is similar to being in love.
That’s probably more accurate; men like chocolate, women love chocolate.
If a man wants a piece of candy it could just as easily be a heavily salted peanut-
based candy bar (whose idea was that) as something with chocolate in it. A
woman will almost always go for the chocolate. And the more pure, sensually
resplendent dark the chocolate the better. I’ve noticed that at certain points in my
girlfriends cycles chocolate is not just a good idea, it’s the difference between a
pleasant evening with the person you love and one which ends in televised police
action.
Children. Men relate to children better than they relate to cats, but not much.
They have a certain level of tolerance for the little critters running about, but only
to a point. Men, of course, feel differently about their own kids than others. Their
own they can spank or leave at a truck stop without the worry of a subsequent
lawsuit, usually. Men typically don’t know much in the way of detail concerning
their kids. Nicknames, basic age ranges, annoying habits - these are the sorts of
things a man would know about his kids. Women will pretty much take care of
everything else.
Men actually like having children for the same reason that the ancient Pharos
liked having slaves. Yes, in his mind he has created his very own slaves. It seems
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to be the only way in which to procure slaves anymore, have them yourself. So as
soon as they can walk, even before that in some cases, men will put these little
slaves to work. Pulling their own weight as it were. I, too, was trained as a slave
when very young. Actually, I was just helping my uncle deliver newspapers, but I
was only 5. My uncle would pay me a quarter each day I would help him. But
wait a minute, you say. You got paid, I thought you were bitching about being a
slave. Well, let me finish. After my Uncle gave me my quarter he told me to put
it into my “bank”. My bank was the floor heater in my Grandmother’s house.
Once I deposited my earnings into my bank, my Uncle would go into the
basement and, uh, make a withdrawal. I think he just used that same quarter over
and over for years.
Women tend to treat all children as their own to a great extent. I’m not sure if it’s
some sort of motherly instinct, but I’ve noticed that women will usually take the
time to help a lost, crying child, while a man would give it a wide berth fearing it
might need to be burped or changed or something. Women know everything there
is to know about her children and, as such, are the sole repository for this
knowledge. Thus, if a man wants to know something about the kids, ask the wife.
This makes sense because if you both were to retain all of this information,
problems could develop.
What would you do, for example, if your husband was certain that it was your
daughter who swallowed the nickel when she was 5, and your son who put Sugar
Babies up his nose while you remember it differently. See the problem? If there is
only a single repository for this information, then everyone can agree that is was
the husband who both swallowed the nickel and put the Sugar Babies up his nose.
It’s like having more than one clock in the house, you never really know what
time it is. My parents have 38 clocks in their house. They couldn’t get within 20
minutes of the actual time if their lives depended on it.
Personal space. If you watch people at a counter, such as one might find at a
bank, you will notice something interesting about the use of Personal Space. At a
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bank counter (or in any locale which one might encounter a counter) people have
a certain amount of predefined personal amount of space defined by the bounds
of the counter itself. So, let’s first look at an example of how a man would utilize
this space. A man will walk up to counter, putting down maybe at most his keys,
present his paperwork to the teller and wait patiently with his hands folded in
front of him. Perhaps a simple checkbook, if that, might join his keys on the
counter next to him. Men realize that they are temporarily borrowing this space
and that they will soon be vacating. They don’t want to have to go through a long
process of packing things up once they are ready to leave. When it’s time to get,
we pack-up and get.
The typical female will approach the counter and immediately claim it as her
own, metaphorically planting a flag on the hilltop by setting her purse on the
counter and taking virtually everything out of it. She will tell you that she does
this in order to retrieve what she needs which is always at the bottom of her
purse. This is not true, she is staking out her territory. Simple as that. Although
she understands on a certain level that her presence here is temporary, it doesn’t
seem to make a difference. It’s a nesting thing, this is a woman’s personal space.
In public this space extends out from her body half again as long as her
outstretched arms. She will claim and use this space in any manner she sees fit
and for as long as she needs it. Are there any questions? Good, I didn’t think so.
Arguing. Men see arguing as a means to an end, but only if arguing with another
man. If arguing with a woman then all bets are off. Arguments can lead to
physical confrontation between males, but this is usually a rare occurrence. This
is, of course, unless a female is watching. Then physical confrontation is likely
since, in the male mind, it will be the victor of this confrontation who will mate
with the female. She, of course, probably won’t want either of you two
knuckleheads after such a childishly idiotic display. I feel safe in saying that, over
the millennia, men have settled more arguments with brute force than with an
impressive display of logic, if only because of the existence of women. They
make us do stupid things.
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Women consider arguing similar to making love. It’s an emotional connection for
a women. Men wonder why women like to argue. It’s for the same reason they
like making love to you, you idiot. It’s an emotional connection which
strengthens the bond between you two. It’s not necessarily that she’s angry with
you, though she may well be, so watch yourself, but rather that she desires the
experience of that connection with you in a very tangible manner. If, however,
she is pissed at you and an emotional bond is the last thing on her mind, then
you’d best find the section in this book concerning the fine art of arguing and
why it would be a really good idea if you, the man, avoided it at all costs.
Driving. Men, being goal oriented, drive in order to reach a destination. While
not exactly tunnel vision, a man will expend every effort to not detract from this
goal. This is usually because there’s a game soon on which he doesn’t want to
miss. Any mention of a side trip, unplanned excursion or spur-of-the-moment
spree, therefore, should be quickly dealt with in one of the following ways;
♂ Ignore the comment and attempt to change the subject.
♂ Say there’s no time since you need to get home to feed the [dog, kid, bird].
♂ Say that you were just there last week.
♂ Say it’s getting dark and statistics have shown that there is a greater danger
of an accidents occurring when driving in the dark.
♂ Say it’s raining and statistics have shown that there is a greater danger of
an accident occurring when driving in the rain.
♂ Say it’s Sunday and it’s a day of rest.
One of the biggest time wasting activities one can engage in while driving, from a
man’s perspective, is sitting in a car not going anywhere. Such a scenario might
take place while looking at a map or asking for directions. These sorts of
activities are not in any man’s plan. Can you picture it, your man saying, “Well,
let’s just go for a drive and we’ll stop along the way to ask for directions.” It’s
not going to happen. A man will drive to the ends of the Earth and back again to
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get where he’s going before stopping to ask for directions. Thankfully, he will
usually need to stop for gas at which point the woman can hop out and simply ask
someone for directions while the man pretends to be occupied with the petrol and
whatnot.
Women, being more process oriented, enjoy the trip along the way in a manner
which is completely foreign to a man. She is more than happy to linger, peruse,
saunter, mosey, and basically spend time on the journey, arriving eventually at
the appointed destination. A woman will think nothing of stopping to ask for
directions several times during an excursion. This is the reason that, as opposed to
what y’all might think and everything else being equal, men and women tend to
get to their respective destinations in about the same amount of time. It’s simply
because men will spend the additional time driving around lost, while a woman
will use that extra time to shop for shoes.
Sports. Some small percentage of both men and women actually enjoy engaging
in sporting and athletic activities. They are the ones most of us watch on TV. The
lion’s share of us, however, do not raft down rivers, skydive from 2 miles aloft or
ski off of steep cliffs. Most women couldn’t give a fig one way or the other about
sports. They get all of their exercise by doing everything for everyone all the time
anyway. For most men, however, the bulk of their exercise results from flipping
off someone on the freeway, reclining on the couch, waddling to the refrigerator
or changing the TV channel using the remote. It is important for the woman to
understand just how vital sports are to a man. Much of his outlook on the future
has little to do with your relationship, potential financial status or his children’s
budding abilities. It is actually based upon the fortunes of his particular sports
team. The ebb and flow of a man’s life are intimately tied to how well his team is
currently doing in the standings. If you understand this, you have a good chance
of understanding men.
Women do not usually care about or watch sports on TV. The glaring exception
to this rule are the rabid female football fans in Green Bay, Wisconsin. This is a
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scary bunch. I have noticed, however, that some college-aged women seem to be
very interested in Curling (I knew a broom-man, uh, woman once, uh, twice) and
they will even watch reruns of the latest Curling highlights on TV. This seems to
be an emerging trend - stay tuned for further developments.
Marriage. Most men are secretly happy to get married, even though they may
appear otherwise. From their perspective they now no longer need to exercise,
they now have someone to feed and pick-up after them and they now get more or
less regular sex. All things which had been missing in his bachelor life. This is
the mind set of the average man entering into marriage. It is not complicated and
is relatively straight forward to understand. Women, however, even when faced
with a veritable mountain of evidence, refuse to believe this about their men. She
wants to believe that he feels the same way that she does. Trust me, he doesn’t.
The woman is entering into the marriage in about the same fashion as the original
engineers approached the building of the Panama Canal. This is going to be a big
job. She’s got ideas, project plans, scale models. Your den has been designed,
wallpaper patterns have been picked-out and matched to bedspreads, the garden
visualized 4 years hence and on and on and on. To a woman, a marriage means
that the work bell has rung, it’s time to put down that coffee cup, roll-up your
sleeves and get your ass to work. This is why woman make great project
managers. To a man, that same bell means that it’s time to clock-out, relax, kick
the shoes off, loosen the belt, turn on the TV and have a few brewski’s.
Hair. Men will typically deal with their hair just once in the morning by toweling
it dry and combing. That’s pretty much the end of it. Hair care products for a man
are limited to shampoo and perhaps the occasional use of Rogaine®. Although
this is the simple ritual of the man with hair, the man without will feel as though
he is walking around all day with his zipper open. Men, for the most part, feel
very exposed without a full head of hair to protect his delicate scalp. This is why
they will spend thousands on those ridiculous hair plugs, toupees and the like.
Men, being the incredibly self-conscious critters they are, would be just as happy
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if they could simply wear a hat all of the time. Since they cannot, their hair
becomes all the more important.
Women will spend a great deal of time and money on their hair. As important as
hair is to a man it is even more so to a woman. The number of hair care products
which are used by the average woman is staggeringly mind-boggling. I have spent
a great deal of time studying the many and varied hair care products used by
women. This is because I had a girlfriend who would not allow any reading
material into the bathroom, and so I was relegated to reading whatever was at
hand. Two of my favorites over the years have been “Sea Mudd” which had the
bouquet of a well used rugby shoe and “Hair Salad” which provided me with
loads of humorous material - until she up and left me that is. Before she left,
however, the following event had transpired which I’d like to relate to you:
Years ago, back when I was dating, a hair-raising event took place
which I had attempted to purge from my memory, but alas cannot.
This was at a time when I did not own a car, and so my date was
coming to pick me up. Long blond hair, young hard body, head full of
hearts, butterflies and sparkly things she arrived skidding to a stop in
front of my apartment. Seeing her reach up to close her sunroof, I
rushed back into the bathroom to douse myself with an additional pint
of the cologne I had purchased at the local gas station. I didn’t know
whether to crap or pass-out as I waited in the bathroom for her to
knock on the door. Hyperventilating I was still waiting for that knock
some minutes later. Some wondering about the lack of her presence, I
went over to the front window and saw that she was sitting in her car
honking her horn. So, I went out to see what was up. Her door was
open. I said, “Hi, what’s up?”. It was then I noticed her car keys on the
ground next to my feet. Looking up I then noticed a fistful of her long
blond hair caught in her closed sun roof. She had apparently closed
the sunroof on her hair by accident and, startled by the tug when she
tried to get out, dropped her car keys just out of reach. This was a new
one. Let me give you a bit of advice here; doing anything in this
situation other than rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically would
probably be acceptable. Whether because of embarrassment or anger,
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she simply drove off once I had retrieved her keys for her, never to be
seen again.
Tools. Men love their tools. And the more tools the better. With their tools they
can do anything, build anything, fix anything, break anything. A man would
rather settle things with tools than with conversation. It would be safe to say that
just as language and conversation are useful tools for women, tools are useful
tools for men. Wow, I think I need another beer. So, in order to understand a
man, you’ll want to understand his tools. You will be able to tell how a man will
care for you by observing how he cares for his tools. Doesn’t that suck? Well,
yes, but then again you’re dealing with men here, so be thankful that he cares for
anything at all. Now, getting back to his tools, observe; does he leave them just
lying around on the workbench all greasy and unwashed after using them
(where’s the afterglow dammit)? Or, does he lovingly wash and clean them after
use and place them back safely and carefully into their storage areas?
Here is how women think of men’s tools. I was fixing a cabinet door one
Saturday morning when my sweetie came sauntering over and, for whatever
reason, stuck her face into my toolbox. Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever done
that before. She arose with a grimace and declared, “Your toolbox stinks”. I could
not believe what I was hearing. This is something a man would have never
considered. I stuck my face in there and guess what, my toolbox stunk! It smelled
like a boat-load of 3-day-old mackerel heads. While this may be interesting, I’m
just not sure what, if anything, to do about it. Empty my toolbox and wash it out?
Absurd! Spray some deodorizer in there? I think not. Tools are tools, what can I
say?
* Men *
The following exercises were designed to help you men cope with things that you could
probably cope with just fine on your own if you had the inclination. It is quite likely,
however, that you do not which is why we’re doing this. I’m talking about your home
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environment as well as your woman. The problem as women see it is that men just aren’t
usually interested in what’s going on in his local environment. That, unfortunately often
includes her. But the truth is that women just don’t understand.
Men are looking at the big picture, they don’t have time to deal with the details. Men are
worrying about big issues like global finance, space exploration, the mysteries of the
deep sea. They don’t have time for the more mundane such as their Children’s birthdays,
your wedding anniversary or the household budget. They have only so much room in
their heads for useful information and so reserve that space for things like the lifetime
batting averages for all of the New York Yankees through the 2003 season. If this were
not the case, these exercises would not be necessary. Sadly it is, and so they are.
Exercise 5.1 - Listening
Why do you, a man, need to listen to your woman? The short answer is so
that you will know when you’re in trouble. The long answer is so that you
will understand your woman better than any man has understood any woman
ever before. Yeah, right. Just try to pay attention here. Listening to your
woman is very important. The reason is that women love to talk. This is the
manner in which women not only communicate verbally but communicate
their feelings as well. Men can barely communicate verbally let alone
effectively transmit anything associated with their feelings. That is, of
course, unless they need to punch someone who really needs punching. In
this manner, men feel comfortable in communicating their feelings to one
another.
However, as important as listening is, often observing can be an even more
fruitful endeavor. The art of observation will allow you to understand what
your woman needs, in addition to what she says she wants. And what she
generally wants is jewelry. Are you listening? Another reason why the art of
observation is often more fruitful than listening is because often you, the
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man, will not know what she, the woman, is talking about. There could be
many reasons for this but some of the more common are discussed below:
Focus. You’re not paying attention. This is usually the case 99% of
the time when you cannot understand what she is saying. You can
determine if this is the problem by making an effort to pay attention
to her and see if that helps. If it does then focus may have been your
problem. For example, right now your probably thinking about the
sword fighting scene with the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts.
Yeah, those skeletons. See, this is what I’m talking about; focus.
Message garbled. She understands what it is she wants to say, it’s
just that sometimes it doesn’t come out the way she’d intended.
While a man may be completely lost in this sort of conversation,
another woman will usually understand what is being said without
ambiguity. An example of this paradox is a conversation which
occurred between two female co-workers in my office some years
ago. One had just put an interoffice mail envelope addressed to HR
into a mail slot outside our office door, when the other said she
needed an envelope to send the same generic form to HR. The first
then said to her, “I just put my thing in the thing, you can put your
thing into my thing if you want”. She then went out and put her thing
into the thing. I was lost.
They hit pause. Some truly remarkable women have the ability to
begin a conversation at one point in time, get side tracked for awhile,
and then return back to that original conversation without missing a
beat. Now, while this may not sound like anything special, consider
the possibility that the period of time between the point at which the
conversation had initially paused and then had subsequently
continued again could be days or weeks. If you are in a relationship
with a woman such as this, then you’ve got your work cut-out for
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you. As soon as she begins talking to you, your first few seconds are
going to be spent going back in time to see if this is a continuation of
some previously unfinished conversation, or simply a new one.
Eventually you’ll get really good at this and she won’t have to wait
for you to catch up.
As I’ve said, it is very important that a man learn to listen to his woman. It is
imperative that you not only listen, but pay attention and try to understand
what she is saying as well. Women occasionally demand this - paying
attention to them that is. What does it mean to pay attention to someone? It
means to focus on what a person is doing or saying. If you don’t understand
all of what she’s saying (and this does happen to us guys, sometimes we only
get part of it), then make her start again and try to pay attention this time.
She’ll be pissed, but in the long run it’s better than misunderstanding what
she’s saying.
Given that you have a large number of important things on your mind (why
didn’t they just kill Gilligan and be done with it?) the question can be asked;
while she’s talking to you, just how intently should you focus? Depends upon
the conversation. For example, you’re on the couch watching the game and
she is busy wrapping something and talking about a wedding present for
some distant relative of hers. It doesn’t matter if anyone is listening or not,
she is still talking away. It’s a good thing that she is talking, it’s a very good
thing. In this situation you probably don’t need to do much in the way of
listening. Occasionally smiling in her direction and saying, “Yes darling, I
think that would be a wonderful idea”, would probably be just fine.
However, if she is hell bent upon discussing something along the lines of
your relationship then you’d better be paying attention. You might want to
try to really make an effort. Here’s a tip; pretend that her eyes are breasts.
That usually works for me. What you want is something just this side of
burning a hole in her face with your laser-like, unwavering attention. I know
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this will be difficult, but you’re going to have to try and understand
everything she is saying regardless of the rate at which it’s being conveyed.
If she’s pissed, it’s going to be like drinking from a fire hose.
Exercise 5.2 - Shopping
She doesn’t necessarily want to shop, it’s that she must shop. That is just the
way it is. Just as a shark must swim to live so must a women shop. Watching
a man shop is like watching a polar bear riding a bicycle. Yeah, they can do
it, and initially it might be entertaining, but you just know that this is not
what nature had intended. Men, being the goal oriented critters they are,
always have a destination in mind when they go to the store or, God forbid,
the Mall. They are usually very direct in their approach toward shopping.
Once in the store, and knowing what they want to buy, they locate the
appropriate department and head off toward it looking neither to the right nor
to the left at whatever merchandize may happen to be displayed.
If it is clothing he is after then simply looking at the size on the tag is
sufficient in order to determine whether or not the article of clothing will fit.
All men’s clothing are of standard sizes (xsmall, small, medium, large ,
xlarge, xxlarge, etc.). All men’s clothing can also be washed together in hot
water so you don’t need to worry about the various colors or materials. Just
find something that suits your fancy (like yet another bright orange and green
Hawaiian shirt to be added to your collection), find the right size and buy the
sucker. No sense trying the thing on, it’s a waste of time. A woman may buy
your socks and underwear in this manner, but little else. I don’t know about
shopping for bras and panties, nobody will talk to me about it. Just as well I
guess.
When women go shopping they have many things in mind and cram in many
more as the shopping experience continues throughout the day. They know
that shopping is a marathon, not a sprint. Women can shop for hours. Men
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can watch sports for hours. Neither can figure out how the other does it.
Much of the shopping experience for women is shopping for clothing.
Women love to shop for clothes in the same way that men love to drink beer
and watch football. Both are very satisfying and fulfilling experiences, for
those involved. The difference, of course, is that after shopping what does a
woman gain from the experience? Clothes? Food? Household goods? Whose
measure of fulfillment does this satisfy? Now in a man’s world, if your team,
for example, has just beat the crap out of your best buddies team, then for the
next week or so life is just not going to get any better. This is fulfillment
man-style.
Exercise 5.3 - Getting Ready in the Morning
If you can help her get ready in the morning by staying out of her way, you
will have done good. Whoever she is and whatever she does, she will have a
morning routine. It may begin by making and drinking 3 cups of coffee the
color and consistency of 30 weight motor oil, but it’s her routine and likely
does not involve you. In the morning she is pressed for time and the last
thing she needs is you underfoot. In her view, anything you do in the
morning is a potential problem for her to deal with, so if you can just sit
quietly, watch TV and not make a mess, everything should work out just
fine.
If she asks you to do something for her in the morning; make breakfast, pour
juice, crush-up 4 Mydol and stir into a tall glass of gin, it is your job to get it
done without bothering her with lots of stupid questions. If she has to spend
time going over every detail with you, she may as well just do it herself.
Figure it up in your own head why don’t you? I still remember (or more
accurately she will not let me forget) the morning I put the wrong type of
lotion on her back. She couldn’t believe what I had done, “I’ll be itchy all
day, what the hell is wrong with you?” I didn’t know what the hell was
wrong with me. She had to take another shower and was late for work.
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Beware, the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions made all the
more slippery with the wrong type of lotion.
Exercise 5.4 - What Does She What From Me?
What does she want from you? Oh nothing just your undying love, your
unwavering fidelity and your everlasting soul. Actually there is a real answer
to this question. And it’s not all that complicated. Above all, a woman needs
to respect her man. If you have already lost her respect, well then I’m not
sure how to help you there except to say that you’ve clearly screwed-up
somehow along the way. I know that’s not much help but it’s all I got. A
woman wants someone she can learn and grow with, someone who she can
trust completely, love deeply and can show-off to her envious friends. Think
that’s difficult, try this: What she really wants is for you not to screw-up any
of her hopes and dreams, but rather to make them all come true.
I've heard it said that a woman wants one man to satisfy all of her needs,
whereas a man wants all women to satisfy his one. I think that either desire is
just as unrealistic as the other. The problem is neither gender will admit it.
Men we know about, they’re all dogs. But women are more subtle. Women
say they want a stable man with a good job and prospects for the future, but
invariably end-up riding off into the sunset on the back of a Harley with the
guy who doesn’t have a checking account. Go figure.
* Women *
There is only a single exercise in this section for you women. There is really not much to
do in this exercise other than to try your best to understand why men do those things they
do. The reason is simple; it’s in their nature. You may as well ask why gophers have to
dig holes in the ground and eat your garden. It’s in their nature. It is why the scorpion
stings and the vampire bat sucks blood, that’s just the way it is. You can try to hold back
the ocean or you can learn to live with what may seem like insane behavior. So, if you
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have decided to give insane behavior a go, then the following information may give you
some insight into the dusty and cob-web encrusted recesses of the male psyche.
Exercise 5.5 - Why Men Do What They Do?
It is a thumb-sucker isn’t it? A head-scratcher if there ever was one. Men
seem to do the strangest things for no apparent reason. Notice I say “seem”.
While this may seem the case to the uninitiated, let me assure you that there
are very good reasons for each and everything that a man does. Good, valid
reasons. Yeah, very valid. So, sit back and relax while I take you on a tour of
some of the more important events in a man’s world. Hopefully this will
throw some kindling on that fire which has no doubt been smoldering in your
brain for many years now.
Watching Sports. After the hell of working all week long in the salt
mines (this works much better if you do, in fact, work in a salt mine)
a man needs to unwind and relax. This period of relaxation,
colloquially known as the “weekend”, is that uninterrupted span of
time which allows a man to recover from the previous work week and
prepare for the one quickly approaching on its heels. In order to
properly unwind a man needs to watch sports on TV.
For the woman who is contemplating this man-like behavior she may
ask herself if the same would not apply to her? She is in need of R&R
as well but the question remains, just what it is she would do all
weekend? Watch sports and eat Cheetos? What kind of life is that?
Well, from the male perspective it’s a great way of life. Pretty much
what we pictured the Pharos doing in ancient Egypt on a Sunday
afternoon. You need to realize that men are very visually oriented. So
much so that each weekend, while his keester is parked in front of the
TV, it is really as if he is out there playing along side of his sports
heroes. He imagines himself tackling running backs, running the
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bases of the baseball diamond, catching those passes falling just out
of reach of the worlds greatest receivers.
It would be a sight to behold, no? Your 54-year-old, 192lb husband,
who has not done a lick of exercise since the President’s Physical
Challenge back in '74, running down the field, his pasty white legs
glaring in the sunlight dodging hoards of tacklers the size of Buick’s.
Dodging left, leaping right, looking like the super star he imagines
himself to be, he plays both offense and defense the entire game.
Afterwards he is, once again, carried off the field on the shoulders of
his teammates and awarded the game ball. You know however, as
you look down at him sleeping on the couch, Cheeto dust powdering
him a light orange from stem to stern, that he’s good for maybe 7
minutes or so, then he’s off to sleep as soundly as a newborn.
I don’t need no stinkin' help. He’s right - he don’t need no stinkin'
help. He can break it all by himself. This is what men do, they work
on things. They fix things that do not work and they break things that
do. This is what men do, and he would prefer to do it all by himself.
In the unlikely event that a man should need help then he’ll ask for it
by either turning blue or by leaking blood. Women have a difficult
time with this concept as they prefer to do things with others, in
groups.
Now lots of men don’t mind another guy watching while he’s
working. That’s a guy thing. Men, however, do not typically enjoy
women watching as they feel that there’s a criticism just awaitin' to
be leveled. Guys enjoy learning on their own, which means that
mistakes are just part of the process and, as such, are no big deal.
That’s what plaster, paint, wallpaper, paneling, tape, bondo, siding,
mastic, band-aids, stitches and glue are for. They’re for learning.
Women don’t get this, they would rather have a plan, a design. They
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would rather do it right the first time. Well what the hell do you
expect to learn from that? Planning like that is not likely to result in a
lost finger tip or a missing eye brow. Before you can learn to do
something right, you need to experience all of the ways to do it
wrong. That’s what it means for a man to learn. If it’s good enough
for my dad then it’s good enough for me.
Stand behind me woman, I'll protect you. Men protect their
property and their women. That’s another thing that they do, they
protect. If you’re his woman, then it’s his duty to protect you - even
if it’s nothing more than running just a bit slower than you while
trying to escape a pack of hungry wolves. Men enjoy the concept of
protecting their home and family, but when it comes to the practice of
protection it may be a different matter. It depends on the possibility
that he may own a gun. Men love guns - most men, most guns. He
may love his gun, but the real question here is if everyone wouldn’t
be much safer if he just had a baseball bat. Though the sight of your
protector of a man sneaking around the house in his boxers sporting a
baseball bat may deter a would-be thief, remember that there is
nothing like to noisy dog to get the job done right.
Dinner? Most men can manage with both breakfast and lunch (or
what y’all in the south call dinner). Although they would usually
prefer something along the lines of biscuits and gravy, ham and eggs,
potatoes, juice and coffee, men can scrounge around in the fridge and
come up with something for breakfast. The same is often true of
lunch. This is because almost all men have had to live on their own at
some point in their lives, and when needed that old bachelor
imprinting kicks-in once again. His concern, first and foremost, is the
question of who’s going to make him dinner. His expectation is that
you, his woman, will be there in the kitchen just a-cookin' away. He
wouldn’t at all expect you to be lounging your lazy butt around like
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he’s doing all weekend because if you both are laying around ain’t
much feedin' a-getin' done. This will likely result in a number of
problems which are best avoided.
From my vast experience as a bachelor, and having lived with many a
pathetic bachelor in my time, I have amassed a wealth of knowledge
as to what is edible and what is not. I will, thankfully, not delve into
the subcategory of that which is temporarily edible. It may be
interesting to note that at one point in my life I was very poor. I was
attending college at UC Santa Cruz and at times literally had no
money. Though I did always have a roof over my head, having a
decent meal each day was often another story. I remember
particularly one 3 week stretch during which I had nothing to eat but
what I had grown in a small garden. Fortunately I had, some months
earlier, planted Swiss chard, green onions, rhubarb, brussel sprouts
and turnips. Imagine living on this bill-a-fare for 3 weeks, it was
horrible. So, as my gift to the women out there, I give to you the
standard secret bachelor menu for any man, for any meal, at any time:
♂ Ketchup on crackers. This is the basic bachelor breakfast
when you’re a college student on financial aid and don’t have
pickles. This is fast, filling (if you eat enough) and will keep
that waistline of a 14-year-old girl on you much longer. Don’t
skimp on the quality of the Ketchup. Trust me on this one.
♂ Mustard with relish on crackers. This is usually for special
occasions such as a wedding. Get the little packets of mustard
and relish when you buy a $0.99 hot dog at your local fast
food oasis. Make sure you fill all of your pockets with the
packets. These packets do not need to be refrigerated, they last
virtually forever, they’re easy to transport and are filled with
flavor.
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♂ Ketchup soup. This is simply ketchup and hot water, but may
be flavored with bread or small hard lemon-flavored candies.
It has kept may men alive, but not for long and not happily. If
you are really down to nothing but ketchup soup be aware that
there are many other things which can be dissolved in water
and, thus, make soup. Experiment, you’ll be surprised.
♂ Peanut butter on crackers. This is a special occasion food, a
rare treat indeed. Peanut butter is actually real food, not just
the makings of real food. As such, it is not cheap and so
cannot be a daily undertaking. Also, peanut butter will require
that you drink something while eating. This is an added
expense at a point in time when pennies may be all that you
have because of college tuition, alimony or child support.
What you really want is a food that supplies its own liquid,
like a tomato or a orange. As my Asian roommate once stated,
“One stone, two bird”.
♂ Cheese on crackers. Although relatively inexpensive, cheese
can only be eaten in quantities which may be insufficient to
satisfy your hunger. Of course, you can woof down a hunk of
cheese the size of your head if you really want. But if you do,
you’re not likely to crap again until the sun becomes a lump
of coal about the size of the hunk of cheese you just ate. So,
that’s why this has been labeled as one of our ‘occasional
delicacies’.
♂ Bread and crackers. These are interchangeable with respect
to what can be put on or between them. Pretty much anything
can be wrapped in bread and made into a sandwich. I have
seen sandwiches made out of spaghetti and meatballs, space
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food sticks, dry potato spuds, frozen spinach, ½ stick of
butter, Chinese food, oatmeal, unflavored cracklings, an Aba-
Zaba and 12 broken taco shells. Bread and crackers can also
be eaten by themselves, but they don’t provide the sensory
satisfaction that something like, say Ketchup soup with
pickles, does.
♂ Bread with chocolate. This is usually not within the domain
of the typical bachelor as he would not likely have chocolate
in the house. The belief is that if there is chocolate in the
house then there is probably a woman somewhere in the
vicinity as well. So, this is usually something to which a man
must resort if his wife or girlfriend has simply gone to visit
her sister for a few days and there is nothing else to eat. This
also applies to chocolate cake as well since it is essentially
bread, eggs, milk and chocolate anyway.
♂ Cup of Noodles. If you’re really on a budget, Cup-O-Noodles
is definitely the way to go. Solid food pieces and a pasta-like
material mixed with a relatively yummy liquid, makes for a
very satisfying and economical meal. You can live for years,
up to 4 it would seem, on nothing but Cups-o-Noodles. There
are many varieties and flavors, they travel easily, the
packaging also becomes the bowl. Clearly, I just can’t say
enough.
♂ Macaroni and Cheese. Macaroni is a seemingly magical
substance. When you combine macaroni and cheese you are
inexplicably able to eat as much cheese as you’d like without
ill effects. This is what I seem to remember anyway, or maybe
I just dreamt it. I was going to test it out for you, but since
I’ve not been single for sometime I’ve not had the opportunity
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to eat as much as I want. Sort of ironic that I couldn’t eat as
much as I wanted to when I was unmarried, because I was
poor. Now I can’t eat as much as I want because I’m married.
I do, however, now get to have macaroni with two different
kinds of cheeses when I do get to have macaroni and cheese.
Pure heaven.
♂ Inedibles. There are some items that are sold in the markets
which are actually inedible, but single men will actually
attempt to eat. The only explanation for this habit seems to be
that men, like many primates, will attempt to eat a great
variety of things found in his environment simply to find out
what can be safely ingested. Men quickly find that many items
which can be purchased cannot, however, be eaten. For
example; vegemite (which is just yeast and 3 different kinds
of salt), tofu, spam, anchovy paste, green apples, sardines,
beef melts, raw horseradish, beef tongue, okra, beef brains,
silver cake balls and tripe have all been found to cause severe
gastric distress and should be avoided.
Laundry? In a word, no. If you don’t know why by now, you will
soon find out. You’ll want to keep men as far away from the laundry
as possible. It’s not that men don’t know the difference between an
article of clothing and an article in the newspaper, they don’t. It’s that
given any two pieces of clothing, he would not have the ability to
determine which one is clean and one which is dirty. Though his
sense of smell is as good as anyone’s, the problem seems to be in the
interpretation. Often something which is clean might smell worse to a
man than does something which is not. This is another paradox of the
male mind, don’t ask why let’s just deal with the issue.
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Now if by chance he does get the idea into his head to go and do the
laundry, you just know it’s going to be a disaster. First of all, there is
no concept as to the separation of white and non-white clothing. In a
man’s mind, clothes go in, soap goes in, clothes get washed, clothes
get dried, clothes get folded, job is done. This includes sweaters as
well. What you will end-up with is a light pink or gray wardrobe for
your Barbie-doll collection. Note that, for men, this same basic
concept is applicable to dishes in the dishwasher as well. Dishes go
in, dishes get washed. What didn't melt in the process gets put away.
Finally, for men there is a distinct lack of understanding with regard
to the uses of hot and cold water with respect to the laundry. Men
believe that to truly get clothing clean the hottest water possible
should always be used. Enough said?
Cleaning the house. Men know all about house cleaning, or Spring
cleaning as we called it back in Bachelor training, and are actually
fairly good at it. Cleaning will occur each Spring or just prior to
moving out of an apartment. Particularly if we were required to put
down a significant cleaning deposit. So, what men will typically do is
to start by buying a pony keg and some cleaning supplies as he may
not have had these beforehand. Next he’ll call some friends to get
together for a kegger.
You may wonder where this is going, but stay with me here. Men
will begin this effort by getting all liquored-up (this, of course, is
how many a man-adventure begins) and then get into the cleaning
supplies. Any small voice in his head warning him about the
possibility that things could get out of hand has long ago been found
floating face-down at the bottom of his beer glass. They are there to
have fun, and what fun they will have. Picture it: Drunk,
unsupervised men. The concept is disconcerting to say the least.
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Several hours later a quick inspection will reveal quite a bit of paint
rubbed off of the walls, large areas of bleached-out carpet, several
broken windows, a cracked toilet bowl, a goat where there had been
no goat before, a small smoldering fire, and a hole in the ceiling
through which you can now see stars. This is what I mean by things
getting out of hand.
The Three Stooges. Finally I would like to say just a few words
concerning the mystique surrounding a man’s fascination with the
Three Stooges: Woo-woo-woo, nyug-nyug-nyug, a-cha-cha-cha. Hey
Moe! You knucklehead! Ok, I just had to get that out of my system.
What can I say, I'm a guy. The Three Stooges embody all that is good
in a man’s world: Guys working together and slapping each other
around. I don’t think it gets any more complicated than that.
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Habit #6
Synergize, then Compromise
I remember back when I was young my Mom saying to me, “Get out of the damned
bathroom. What are you doing in there day and night? Give someone else a chance why
don’t you.” Wait, no that wasn’t it. It was my Dad who said, “Son, remember this;
women are crazy and men are stupid.” And I have remembered that, pretty much at the
expense of everything else, ever since. So, being a male I must then ask myself, am I
stupid? If I was, how would I know? Plenty of past girlfriends would, I’m sure, attest to
the fact that yes I am. But what makes them experts? How would they know anyway,
they’re crazy!
Is this, indeed, true? At some basic level are women really crazy, and are men really
stupid? I would say, based upon a page full of numbers I just wrote down here in two
relatively neat columns, that yes these statements are true when it comes to relationships.
Knowing this about your partner may give you a bit of insight into their mannerisms,
mood swings, phobias, unique customs, off-beat habits and nervous tics. This insight can
also help you and your partner to live in close proximity without killing each other. True
Prozac is easier and a TV cheaper, and they will both accomplish the same thing, but
they lack that 'personal' touch.
If you intend to spend your life, or what remains of it, with your partner then learning to
work together is imperative. This is where ‘synergy’ comes in. To synergize means to
work together for the mutual benefit of both parties. This is not an easy thing to explain
let alone accomplish, but the benefits certainly outweigh the effort expended in
perfecting this habit. It has been said that a relationship begins with two people looking
at each other and at some point they end-up looking in the same direction. Nice, eh? But,
of course, none of this can take place without proper communication. The problem with
communication is that it works just fine until someone begins talking. Then all bets are
off. Though talking can solve many problems it can also lead to much confusion. Much
of the confusion is rooted in the fact that there is usually no prior agreement of terms.
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This, I believe, is the basis for most misunderstandings between men and women. The
fact that each simply use language differently. To each gender, words or phrases may
have different meanings.
So, in order to promote better communication between the sexes, I have developed a set
of “Male / Female Translation Tables” which were designed in order to help each gender
understand the other. To use these tables, simply find the appropriate word or phrase for
your situation on the left, and find its likely meaning on the right. Note that there are
often two possible meanings, their use dependant upon the situation. The likely meaning,
which is the one used most of the time, will be accurate for almost all conceivable
situations. There is also a less likely alternative meaning which is often reserved for those
rare occasions in which one partner wants to confuse the crap out of the other.
In the tables below only those words and phrases which are most often misunderstood by
the other gender are included. This list is constantly being revised and updated, so if
there are additional words or phrases which I may have missed or translated in error
please do not hesitate to notify me and I’ll make the necessary changes.
When a Woman says... She probably means... But, she could also mean...
No. No. Hell No.Yes. Yes. Maybe.Maybe. Yes. No.You idiot. Why did I marry you? You idiot.Where were you last night? I already spoke to a lawyer. I already threw out your clothes.Do you love me? Where were you last night? I'm pregnant.I'm pregnant. Marry me. You might be the father.We're pregnant. We're getting married. You're the father.You're in big trouble. I'm pregnant, you're the father
and you should tell my husband.Someone else is pregnant and you're the father.
My parents are coming over. Stock-up on the Alcohol. Find a movie to go to so I can tell them you're at work.
Your parents are coming over. Stock-up on the Prozac. I'll find a movie to go to.I Love You. Marry Me. Buy me things.Marry Me. I Love You. Buy me things.Buy me things. Buy me things. Buy me things.I'm going on a Business Trip. I'm going on a Business Trip. I'm going to the Islands to hang-
out with Sergio the cabana boy.I'm leaving you. I'm leaving you, unless you shape
up mister.You've had you're chance, I'm gone like your future paychecks.
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And now for the men. Yes it’s true, men don’t always mean what they say either.
Though not nearly as complex as the woman’s translation table, this has its surprises as
well. So, it is to be used in the same fashion, find the word phrase which best reflects
your situation in the left hand column and its likely meaning on the right.
When a Man says... He probably means... But, he could also mean...
No. No. Hell No.Yes. Yes. I'll ask my wife.Maybe. I'll ask my wife. No.I didn't know. You should have told me. I guess I should have known.Where was I last night? Come-on brain, you can do it. Where are my clothes?Do you love me? Let's have sex. Let's have sex.You're pregnant? Bye. Bye.We're pregnant? Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up. Who’s the father?I'm in big trouble? I'm in big trouble! I'm in big trouble!My parents are coming over. I'm outta here. I hope they bring Alcohol.Your parents are coming over. I hope they bring Alcohol. I'm outta here.I Love You. Let's have sex. Let's have sex.Marry Me. Let's have sex. Let's have sex.Let me buy you things. Let's have sex. Let's have sex.I'm going on a Business Trip. I'm going off to have an affair. I'm going to Reno to hang-out
with Cindy the Keno waitress.I'm leaving you. I've got a younger chick who's
too dumb to see through my crap.Come with us and we'll live like Hippies in a commune.
Synergy. It comes in many forms and might be found in places you’d never thought to
look. In the past I’ve had the privilege of living in an area where mushrooms where
plentiful during the rainy months. Love them mushrooms, I do. Growing in that area
were many examples of trees and mushrooms growing together, side by side. They had
formed symbiotic relationships which was a benefit to both life forms. In fact, these
relationships allowed both to thrive better than either might have done separately.
Fungus aside, in most people-based relationships these sorts of co-operative partnerships
are of great benefit not only to both parties involved, but to the relationship as a whole.
This is all well and good, you say, but how does one actually go about accomplishing this
sort of thing? I mean, how do you go about forming a synergistic relationship with
someone who thinks that chewing tobacco is an appetizer or that shopping for shoes is
the pinnacle of personal fulfillment. Well I’m glad you asked because, it’s exercise time.
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* Men *
These exercises are not easy in that they involve actually interacting with your woman. I
know that for we men it’s much easier (and far more preferable) if we can just go off by
ourselves and ponder the mystery’s of the universe, solve them, and then at some point
come back a wiser and more enlightened person. Not so with these exercises. Here we
will be going against that basic nature of man. In these exercises you will get to do things
together. Go on, tell me this isn’t going to be fun. I know you can’t wait, so let’s get to it.
Exercise 6.1 - Doing Things Together
If you are to actually achieve some sort of synergistic relationship then it is
imperative that you do things together and that you not wind up killing each
other as a result. Every time I remember my mom and dad attempting to wall
paper our kitchen together back when I was a youngster it gives me
nightmares and sets my therapy back by about a year. All I recall was a blur
of shouting and wheat paste resulting in a functionally unusable kitchen for
some period of time. My advice would be to simplify the entire concept of
doing things together and just go shopping with her.
Shopping. Go shopping with her. I don’t know any better way to
ease you into this subject. There is no more useful time you can spend
with her than shopping. You will learn everything there is to learn
about your woman by going shopping with her. Now as far as men
need to be concerned about there are only two types of shopping.
Shopping for food and shopping for clothing. To her it doesn’t matter
what she’s shopping for, she loves shopping. You probably see
shopping as a necessary evil. This is going to be difficult unless you
appear to change your attitude about shopping. Notice I said ‘appear’,
nobody expects miracles to happen here.
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Now I wouldn’t expect you to actually enjoy shopping since it’s not a
natural state for men. Killing something rather than pulling it down
off a shelf is more in keeping with what a man would consider a fun-
filled afternoon. Regardless of how you feel about shopping, you’re
going to need to appear to enjoy it, because if you do not, then she
will not want you to go with her. While this may sound like the best
of all possible worlds it is not, trust me. She would really love it if
you enjoyed shopping as much as she does, which is not going to be
possible but it’s a nice thought. So, let’s go through each type of
shopping experience so that you will know what to expect. It’s the
Devil you don’t know, that's the one you have to worry about, right?
♂ Shopping for Food. Note that she might call this “Going to
the store” as opposed to using the word shopping. Often the
term shopping is reserved for anything other than food,
which is usually going to be clothing or shoes. Food
shopping is the best that the shopping experience will get for
a man, and most men don’t even realize it. What I think most
men fail to realize is that supermarkets are absolutely great!
It’s because that’s where all the stuff is; the beer, the chips,
the dips, all the Bar-B-Que makin's and fixin's. Everything
you could ever want and it’s all in one convenient place.
Wow, my eyebrows are sweating just thinking about it.
But there’s a catch here. If you go shopping with her, and
start piling the kind of crap you really want into the basket,
she will make you put all of that stuff back on the shelves
and wait for her in the car. So, consider another approach.
When you’re walking down an aisle and come upon
something that you really want (say the potato chips with
extra salt and real fat), pick it up looking skyward and say to
her, “You know, we haven’t had your parents over for a
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barbeque in quite a while.” She will be stunned for about 10
seconds during which you can quickly put the bag of chips
into the cart. You need to quickly follow this up with
additional planning for the meal with beer, ribs, dips, potato
salad, etc. etc. Get the idea? You can pretty much have
whatever you want as long as you say it’s for something that
will really please her.
♂ Shopping for Clothes. This is real shopping. If you have
never gone shopping with a woman who is shopping for
clothes, then brother you haven’t lived. Here is what’s likely
to transpire when you go clothes shopping with a woman.
You will get into the store of her choice in which half of the
clothing looks like it’s made of burlap and the other half
from an old leather couch. You may see a sad cadre of men
sitting or lingering waiting impatiently for their women, but
more often than not there will only be other women in the
store. If they notice you at all, it will only be to admire the
woman to whom you belong.
To begin with, do not comment on any article of clothing
unless she asks you for your opinion. If she is not wearing it,
ask her to try it on. She will love this as it’s a good indicator
of your interest. You need to remember that much of what
she’s picking out will be in hopes that it’s something you will
like. It’s important that you like what she thinks you’ll like.
Realistically, you probably don’t care about her wardrobe as
long as she doesn’t leave the house looking like a hooker.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, she can look like a hooker. She just
can’t leave the house.
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You need to know up front that going shopping with her for
clothing will be an all day excursion. Don’t expect to get
back for that 1:00PM kick-off or even the 6:00 game. That’s
right, you’re going to not only be with her the entire day, but
you’re also going to spend a large part of it discussing her
wardrobe. While shopping, make sure that you don’t whine
and complain. If you do go with her, make sure it’s a
pleasant experience for you both; get that in your head up
front. To quote one of the greatest movies of all time,
“You’re going to get your mind right.” Yes, this is quite the
sacrifice on your part, but the good part is that she will
understand this and will, in some uniquely female fashion,
reciprocate.
I would again like to suggest that you try not to engage in doing too much
together other than shopping. My Ex and I used to do things together. Quite a
few things in fact ranging from skydiving and rafting to arguing and fighting.
It was almost always fun and exciting. Yeah, fun. Let me relate to you an
event which occurred some 8 years ago.
During that impetuous decade of the 90's, we all said and did
some crazy things. I was no exception. As I was losing my hair
anyway, I decided to spend most of that decade bald. Yes, I had
no hair. I enjoyed the ease with which hair care could now be
accomplished, and my Ex liked the look. Plus she had some
interesting and unexpected uses for a bald head. I can’t relate the
specifics of that here, but if interested you can always pick-up my
new Sex Manual for Real Couples called, “Ouch, get off my hair!”.
So, back to the story. The way in which I would achieve this
baldness was through a synergistic process in which we could
both share. She shaved my head in the shower. Though this was
not a time consuming process, she quickly tired of the fun and
suggested an alternative. Her idea, which now looking back in
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retrospect still sounds good, was to wax my head. Wax my head?
Sure, she did it all the time on her legs and arms. It was no big
deal, just a little hot wax and off comes the hair - no problem.
Well, it sounded good to me. I mean, a little hot wax? Come on I
was a man, I could take the pain of a little hot wax. Particularly
when here was this petite little woman, barely 100lbs. if that, who
had certainly endured so much more pain than this all in the name
of vanity, modesty or fashion.
OK, hot wax out of the microwave, towel over shoulders, head
over sink. Smelled and looked a bit like honey. She spread it on
the top of my head with what appeared to be a thick Popsicle
stick. It was very hot, but not agonizingly so. I had let my hair
grow for about 12 days prior to the wax being applied. My Ex said
that the wax needed something to grab onto. Sounded like solid
logic to me. So, now the wax had been applied and it was time to
gently peel it off. “No, you don’t peel it off. You rip it off”, she
corrected. I couldn’t quite picture what she was saying and was
about to begin to ponder the position I had gotten myself into
when she added, “...and we’d better hurry because the wax is
cooling.” Christ!
She grabbed my head in one arm, latched onto some of the wax
with the other hand, and yanked with all of her 100lb might.
Approximately 4 hairs from the front of my head actually came
out. The remainder staying firmly implanted in my scalp which
may, I think, have separated from my skull. At least that was how
if felt. The cold, hard wax felt heavy on my aching head. If there
were feathers it would have been like getting tarred and
feathered. I had to scrape the wax off of my head under warm
running water using my fingernails. It took hours. My Ex laughed
so hard she peed her pants. This is synergy.
Exercise 6.2 - Thinking about Her First
There are always struggles in every relationship. These often take the form of
power sharing strategies, most of which are selfish, self-serving and
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ultimately destructive. Following the advice of these questionable
philosophies, ones life ends-up being in a never-ending and unfulfilling
power struggle. Well, what if we changed that strategy? What if both parties
in the relationship tried thinking about one another first. Quite the concept,
eh? Imagine the relationship resulting from this type of interaction.
This is very difficult initially, as there is quite a bit of trust involved. You
need to trust that your partner will be thinking of you and your needs first
while you are, in turn, thinking of theirs. Though it takes a while to get into
this, it will actually keep things in balance quite well. It actually only works,
however, if you really love and trust one another. It doesn’t work well
otherwise and the results often involve legal teams bearing writs and torts
and other such annoyances.
Her Birthday. Do not forget her Birthday. This is something you
don’t want to screw-up. Consider the following: I remember it like it
was yesterday. We were camping one summer; June as I remember.
After a day of fishing, water skiing and swimming my Dad, Sister
and I were sitting outside the camper waiting for dinner while Mom
was in the camper cooking. There were few trees there and my Sister
was complaining about how hot it was, when from inside the camper
we heard an odd noise. We couldn’t quite place it at first, then it grew
louder until we realized that it was Mom crying inside the camper.
My Dad ran into the camper and the sobbing quieted down after a
few seconds. After several minutes he came out of the camper,
walked up to my Sister and I, pointed a stubby finger at us and said,
“You forgot your Mother's Birthday”. And so we had. Though, it’s
not possible to apologize for that particular transgression, time does
heal all wounds. Did she ever forgive us? Yes, of course. Does she
laugh about it now? Absolutely. Will she ever forget about it? Never.
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I need to repeat this once again: Do not forget her Birthday! I would
suggest that you tattoo her birth date on the inside part of your ankle.
We’ll deal with what to do about the tattoo, should you two
eventually break-up, at another time. Also, make sure that you get her
something romantic for her birthday. Do not, and I want to make this
very clear, do not buy her an automatic garage door opener for her
Birthday. I had to learn that one the hard way. This book is pure gold
isn’t it?
Your Anniversary. As romantic as your birthday present is expected
to be, the anniversary present should be even more so. Something
along the lines of a trail of red rose petals leading to the bedroom
where chilled champagne in a silver bucket and (really expensive)
jewelry on the pillow await, would be sufficient. Just as in the
birthday segment, let me issue a warning here: You’re going to want
to make sure that you put a lot of thought into the gifts for her. Gifts
such as; a lawn mower, a humidor, sheepskin seat covers, drill press,
bag of golf tees, or a hand-made coupon drawn in Crayola for “Some
Real Lovin” from her oh so thoughtful man, would only serve to
make your life a living hell. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so.
Let’s begin by taking a deep breath. We don’t want to panic here,
women can smell fear. What you’re going to want to do is to prepare
for your upcoming anniversary. Fortunately, what will probably
happen is that several weeks prior to your anniversary, your woman
will begin hinting around for something specific which she would
like as an anniversary present. Pay attention! You’ll never know
when it will come or what form it will take, but that hint will likely
be there somewhere. Your only job is to listen, pay attention and
purchase you’re best guess as to what it is she really wants (make
sure you keep the receipt). Note: don’t come out and just ask her what
she wants. This will only demonstrate to her, all too clearly, that you
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in fact know nothing about her. Your life will become a living hell
until the Grim Reaper finally releases your tormented soul. Those
who say that life is short had never forgotten an anniversary gift. It
can be long, very long.
Birthdays & Anniversaries. This section involves the birthdays and
anniversaries of other people, such as relatives. You are, fortunately,
not required to memorize anything of this nature, this is pretty much a
given. This is good news for you as you’ve got more important things
to worry about anyway. Usually she will have a calendar somewhere
with this information written down on it. If you do find this calendar,
you’ll find it’s probably chocked-full of information concerning, not
only birthdays and anniversaries, but also upcoming events in which
you are likely to have to participate. While you may not be
responsible for knowing the details of birthdays and anniversaries,
you will be required to participate in the thoughtful gift selection.
This is so much fun for the woman, men simply have no idea. Here’s
what will happen. She has already decided on the gift you two are
going to give for some upcoming event. Let’s say it’s a birthday for
Aunt Rose. She’ll be 72 on Tuesday. Your woman mentions to you
that Aunt Rose’s birthday is fast approaching. Your first thought is,
“Who the hell is Aunt Rose”? But you don’t get a chance to ponder
that as she then asks you what you think Aunt Rose would like for her
birthday. You barely have a clue as to what’s happening in your own
life, let alone what a 72-year-old woman would want for her birthday.
But you are willing to make an effort and so you offer a meager
attempt at an answer and stammer something like, “Maybe a toaster”.
That’s it – you’ve screwed-up. It’s all downhill (or perhaps uphill)
from there. You will now be required to defend your ridiculous gift
selection. This is not what you want to have happen. Never offer an
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actual idea for a gift. What you want to say is something along the
lines of, “Darling, you know her so well. Why don’t you pick out
something she’d love from the both of us. You have such wonderful
taste. I love you. Your hair looks wonderful.” Is that good or what?
She’ll never see through this clever ruse.
Valentine’s Day. This is, for most men, a thoroughly forgettable
holiday. Were it not for the occasional commercial and the surprising
quantity of red and white hearts and flowers at the market, men
would likely not remember this holiday at all and would, thus, spend
the next two weeks wondering why his women is angry. Women
typically would not remind a man that Valentine’s Day is quickly
approaching. They long for a romantic evening with the man of their
dreams. So make it happen, you fool. You don’t have to deal with
this but once a year, One would think that you could put the remote
down for the time it takes to order flowers and make dinner
reservations. Anything beyond this from her man would be almost
too much for most women to comprehend, given that they know their
men better than they know themselves.
Notice New Things. This is going to be difficult, you’re not going to
like it and you’re probably not going to practice anyway. I don’t even
know why I bother. Anyway, if you can possibly manage it, try to
notice and remember things about her. Her hair style, her shoes, eye
shadow, moles dresses, scars, whatever you can think of. If any of
these things change and you happen to notice, you might casually
mention to her that you think the change is wonderful (even if it’s
not). This may seem like a small thing to do, but you would be
surprised how much these seemingly simple acts mean to her.
She will feel that you are taking notice and paying attention to her.
These are good things for her to think. She wants to be the most
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important person in your life and your taking an interest in her will
go a long ways towards instilling these feelings in her. Again, this is
not going to be easy, I know there are just so many things you’re
going to be able to notice let alone remember. Just do your best,
she’ll understand. She knows you probably don’t even remember
what you had for breakfast this morning and will just be thrilled at
your attempt to take a greater interest in her.
Exercise 6.3 - Why do we do it?
If we take this relationship concept to an extreme we may find ourselves,
how shall we say, married. Just exactly how we get ourselves into this
position is never very clear to the man who finds himself standing at the
alter. His head is a swirling, foggy cloud of buzzing bees that won’t let him
think straight. He feels nauseous and the last thing he can remember is being
in bed with someone (this woman next to him?) saying, “I love you too”.
And now he’s standing next to her about to say, “I do too”. So, why do we
do it? Why do men actually go ahead and get married?
A man will marry a woman in the hope that she won’t change. She will. Why
is this the case do you think? Well, I think it has to do with the way in which
a woman sees herself in the marriage. She now has responsibility. Lot’s of
responsibilities - while a man, as soon as he becomes a husband, thinks to
himself, “This is great, someone to do all the housework and cook and sew
and sweat and toil and, not to mention, all that free sex.” First of all let’s get
something straight buster, as far as a man is concerned sex is never free. In
one way or another, you’ll pay.
The second thing I’d like to point out is that women are not likely to be of
the same opinion as to their upcoming role in the marriage. From the female
perspective, marriage is a partnership. The union of two people who will be
working toward the same goals, with the same hopes and desires for a shared
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future. This means that there's work to do. Lot’s of work. Especially for you,
you lazy good-for-nothing. Her mother always said you would never amount
to anything. This is important as your woman will do whatever it takes to
prove her mother wrong, even if it means she has to take you apart and
completely rebuild you into something of which her mother would approve.
Sound insane? Well, now that you’re married it’s time to impart a bit-o-
wisdom to you. I waited until you’re already married because this wisdom
has sent many a man heading for the hills and now you’re legally bound to
stay. While it may seem that women are at times somewhat irrational, the
fact is that just below that thin outer layer of lunacy is a very solid
foundation of rationality. A rock solid foundation of logical granite it is.
That foundation, however, was seemingly constructed on an unstable gravel
pit of insanity which, if even slightly jarred, will reveal its true nature by
swallowing your pride and self-worth like a lioness on a sick gazelle.
So, one of our goals once we’re married would be to not jar this gravel pit
of whatever in any way at all. One way in which to accomplish this would
be to make sure there is never an appearance or hint of any word, action or
deed which she could misconstrue as “not being on her side”. Though as
crude as that statement may be, I don’t think I could put it any more
succinctly or accurately. I can’t underestimate the importance of always
appearing to be with her, on her side. This is especially true in any public
setting.
Years ago I ate fast food. Lots of fast food. I did this not only
because I was poor, but because my girlfriend worked at Burger
King and could get loads of food for free. I had no idea that this
stuff was clogging my arteries and would be lodged in my colon
until the Clinton is back in office. One day she and I decided to get
ourselves some free burgers. She dropped me off at the front as I
really had to use the bathroom. Once I came out of the bathroom I
noticed everyone looking out of the front window.
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Looking out there as well I saw Leslie, my girlfriend, standing next
to her newly dented Le Car. She was arguing with a very large guy
standing next to a very large truck cover with lots of small
confederate flags. I ran out there to see what I could do, which
hopefully was nothing. Leslie immediately sized my arm, shoved
my face into the redneck’s huge chest and said, “Tell this stupid
ass that I didn’t hit him!” Well, alrighty then. Now we have a
memory in the making. There are precious few times when one
knows that no matter what happens within the next few seconds,
you’ll remember it for the rest of your life. That is provided, of
course, that you will be able to remember anything at all.
So, here’s what I did. I apologized. Yup, that’s what I did. If my
knees would have been able to bend I would have been down on
them, but they wouldn’t and so I wasn’t. I did, however, ask this
very large man’s forgiveness which was received in the form of a
disgusted smirk, a mispronounced expletive and a cloud of
exhaust. I attempted to explain to Leslie afterward that not only
had I not seen the accident, but that I had no desire to have my
dental work mucked with. This worked about as well as you’d
imagine it would have worked which was not at all. She said that I
should have agreed with her regardless of whether or not I had
seen the accident. She said this while packing stuff to leave. I
noticed that it was my stuff she was packing as I wondered where I
was going. As it turned out it didn’t much matter to her where I
went as my mutinous self was no longer welcomed. At that point
in time I didn’t understand. A few nights at the “Y” cleared things
right up for me.
* Women *
You’ve had yourself a fairly good life. Things were going fine, you had friends, hopes
for the future, dreams of a better life to come. Then from out of nowhere this big lug of a
guy comes into your life and, BAM, instant project. Your place is now a mess, you find
empty milk cartons in the fridge, you have no time for any of your friends, there’s a new
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yellow stain on the bathroom floor, clothing is always cast about without regard to
cleanliness, you’ve taken up drinking in the early afternoon and you’ve only been
together for three weeks now. It will get better, trust me. That is, it will as long as you
get up off of your butt and properly train this thing which now lives in your house. So,
get yourself a rolled-up newspaper and a shock collar and let’s get to work.
Exercise 6.4 - What Have I Done?
A woman will marry a man with the hope that he will change. He won’t. He
can’t. He has no idea he should change and, even if he wanted to, doesn’t
know how. Nagging will only reinforce bad behavior and that’s not what we
want, is it? No, it isn’t. What we want is to turn this guy into something you
can take out into public, someone with whom you would be happy to share
your life. Now to be fair, it is likely that many of the things about him which
you now find annoying or unacceptable might have been perfectly fine prior
to being married. So, anything involving change will be a foreign concept to
a man since, in his opinion, you wouldn’t have married him if he had not
been perfect in the first place. Funny little man, isn’t he?
The first thing you’re going to have to do is to decide just what it is about this
guy that you want to change. Now realize, that once you really get into the
details of this, you may find that it's just easier to start over rather than to fix
this one up. That decision is yours to make, but remember: “The devil you
know is often preferable to the one you don’t”. But before we get into the
specifics of your man, let us delve a bit more into this generic thing called
Man. Men, for the most part, are incased in a thick layer of uninformed
rational foolishness. This essentially means that they think they know what
they’re talking about, but of course they really don’t. Even if proven wrong
they don’t usually care, and that’s typically what makes men stupid. Bottom
line is that men think they know, but they don’t really know and as a result
will resist any attempt at change.
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With respect to change, men don’t respond well to frontal assault. It’s much
more effective, not to mention more fun, to get them to adopt new behaviors
by virtue of your clever tactics and subterfuge rather than hitting them over
the head with kitchen implements. However, as my Grandma once said to me
while brandishing a flour covered rolling pin, “This here’s all the therapy Pa
ever needed”. So, it would seem that there is some merit to tackling these
issues head-on, but this would require a great deal of effort, arm strength and
practice as hitting a moving object with a rolling pin is not as easy as one
might think. So, assuming that you’ve decided to deal with your mans issues
in a more subtle fashion, lets take a look at some examples of changes you
might like to see in your man, and how we might go about installing these
updates.
His Hygiene. This is a real problem for some guys. If you have one
of these, one who has somehow missed the basics and fundamentals
of self preservation, then it’s up to you to correct this situation. Take
some time out of each day to go over some of the more complex
tasks with him like cutting and cleaning his finger and toenails (most
men don’t know about the cleaning part), keeping his hair washed,
the use of a very strong deodorant, using mouth wash before
brushing (he does brush doesn’t he?), and dealing with the ancient
mysteries of ear wax. Don’t let up on him here or he will quickly
and happily regress back to the state of someone living under an
overpass.
His Friends. He has had his friends longer than he’s been with you.
His friends will remind him of this fact when they’re at a bar and
he’s drunk. He will sluringly agree with them. His friends will say
things to him like, “Let’s go find us a couple of low mileage pit-
whoopees and 'em help build a memory.” Although he may not be
certain of the exact meaning, in a drunken haze this will sound like a
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good idea to your man. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is
to remind him of just how useless his friends really are.
You might consider getting this point across to him in a rather direct
manner, if you get my drift, while in bed together. Here is my
advice. You might consider doing something special for him,
something that I know you thought you wouldn’t have to do
anymore once you were married. It’s either that or continue to deal
with his friends. It should take no more than a few minutes of your
time and should result in your having no further problems. Also note
that it would be rare to find that any of his friends are married.
Married men have single men as friends, if only to remind them of
what they had when they were single, which was Ketchup on
crackers with a side of pickles, if I remember correctly.
His Bachelor Stuff. This is his dowry, the stuff that came with him
into the marriage, which included his collection of Flintstone Jelly
drinking glasses, his collection of NFL drinking glasses, his
collection of glasses with beer logos on them, his matchbook
collection, 8 tons of car parts, a stuffed and rotting armadillo, a
stuffed and rotting moosehead, a stuffed and rotting fish, 12 small
green and blue rocks, 3 gallons of barbeque sauce, 3 horseshoes, a
deck of 50 playing cards, a broken toilet bowl and a brown towel.
You were expecting perhaps a yacht, or maybe a helicopter spiriting
you away to your mansion in Tenerife? No doubt those illusions
were shattered as was his collection of NFL drinking glasses soon
after being married.
It is important to understand that men love to hang onto things. A
man never knows which of several thousand rusted and corroded
nuts and bolts might just fix something important. That’s why men
keep all sorts of things in the garage hidden away in jars, small
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drawers, boxes and bottles. Men know instinctively that as soon as
they throw away some seemingly unimportant bracket, bolt or spring
they will need it a week later. This has happened to every man, so
over the years they have developed a simple mechanism for dealing
with this problem; they save everything.
His Sanctuary. This would usually be either the garage or a
workshop. This is the place where he can go when he needs to think,
when he needs to get away, when he needs to break something, when
he needs an airtight room and an idling car. Regardless, this is his
sanctuary. Look upon this area like his American Embassy, his
Guantanamo, and understand that usually your presence is by
invitation only. Other men can come and go into other men’s
garages and workshops with impunity, it’s a guy thing. Women,
however, are another matter. They are usually not welcomed and are
often treated as spies without regard to the possibility that they are
probably not. There are not many places he can call his own, so you
need to give him this one. Everyone needs a place to go when
they’ve got nowhere else to go.
His Mom. Oh Lord, where to begin. If his Mom is at all an issue in
his life then you’ve got bigger problems than I can realistically deal
with here within the bounds of this book. At some point he will have
to realize that it’s either his Mother or you, his woman. He can’t
have both and we don’t even think about it if he could. Know that
whatever he is, good or bad, is due in large part to his Mother. So,
hate her if you must or praise her if you will, but best to do either
from a safe distance. There is nothing like a large distance separating
him and his mother to help him focus on what is important in his
relationship; you and your needs.
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Having bashed mom around sufficiently, let me say that his mom is
going to be a wealth of useful information relative to the sorts of
foods he likes and dislikes, ways in which to get him to do things he
doesn’t want to do, and the locations of all those emotional buttons
which moms do love to push. Moms know the locations of these,
since they were instrumental in their installation. Yes, if utilized
correctly, his mother can be a wealth of useful information. So, get
to know her. You never know, you might just like her. Yeah I know,
probably not.
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Habit #7
Sharpen the Saw, But don’t get Cut
The idea of this habit is that practice makes perfect. This applies to the exercises
discussed within this book so far, as well as those to come in this, our final Habit.
“Nobody was never born good at nothing 'cept cryin' and crappin'”, my Grandma use to
say. And it appears she was right. In order to become proficient at anything, a great deal
of practice is often required. There is, however, a significant difference when it comes to
practicing something like, say, a musical instrument and practicing these exercises in a
real relationship. Clearly, when it comes to music you have the benefit of practicing
alone until you feel you are good enough to be heard by others. While in a relationship,
though there are some things you can certainly practice alone, you pervert, you are for
the most part pretty much out there on the stage, in the limelight, on your own.
In a relationship, your screw-ups will be known by everyone. Well, everyone who
matters that is, which means your woman, your family, your friends and everybody else
that she tells. You, as a man, barely have a grasp on what you need to do just yourself
from one day to the next, and now you’re expected to be an instant expert on
relationships as well. Good God, could it get any more difficult? No, you don’t think so?
Ha! You haven’t seen the exercises yet.
* Men *
As I’ve said, the key to the exercises in this, the final section, is practice. You’re not
likely to get good at anything unless you practice. That goes for sex as well, of which
I’m certain you will soon attempt to convince your woman. The Catch-22 with sex is that
if you’re not already good, you're not likely to get in much practice, at least not with
anyone else that is. Anyway, getting back to this section, there are a variety of issues to
reflect on here. Issues such as you, you bumbling fool. How do you think, for instance,
she feels when you touch her? Is she thinking, “Hey, just what are your intentions here,
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Buster?” or is she thinking, “There’s the soothing and comforting caress of my loving
mate.” I’m guessing that your intentions will be called into question more often than not.
Exercise 7.1 - Reach Out and...
If you take nothing else away from this book, listen closely to the following.
Learn to touch and caress her often in a comforting, non-sexual manner. One
of the biggest complaints heard from women is, “He only touches me when
he wants sex.” Sad but true. This is not something which will come naturally
to a man, particularly one who has played some college football; it’s going to
take practice. Holding hands, a light tough at the waist, a simple caress of her
cheek tells her how you feel about her with your having to actually say
anything. Trust is slowly built up in this way. Though it may not mean much
to you, it will to her and you’ll be surprised at just how much closer you two
will become.
This is something both you and your partner are going to have to practice.
Only after concerted effort will any of this come naturally. The practice of a
comforting touch may seem like a lot of effort for something which most
men just consider foreplay anyway, but it’s vital for guys to understand just
how important this is to women. Something as simple as this can make a
huge difference in the comfort level of a relationship. A good place to start
are massages, particularly foot massages. Women love foot massages, so you
might think about reading up on how to give one properly. In fact, taking a
course in massage is a great idea. What could be more relaxing than you and
your partner sharing the gift of a soothing massage? Well yes, this while
sipping champagne on the deck of your Yacht in the Canary Islands might be
more relaxing, but it’s likely not within your price range. So, a massage it is.
Exercise 7.2 - Should I Cry?
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Don’t cry. Women say they like men who cry, but they really don’t. Only cry
if it’s really something worth crying about, like the death of a loved one, or
Dallas losing another damned game. Some men think that crying
occasionally in front of a woman will show her how sensitive you are. This is
a fallacy. They will not fall for this ruse. They know that the only sensitive
spot on you is located somewhere below several inches of dirt and brine.
Heck, you didn’t even cry when your buddy lodged that treble hook deep
into your thumb while fishing, though you did chip a tooth on the whisky
bottle when they were cutting it out with that dull buck knife. Good times.
This brings up the issue of injury and the associated pain it may cause. A
good rule of thumb here is that if the bone has broken through the skin, then
your buddies are not going to say a thing if a tear or two comes to your eyes.
Remember Burt Reynolds in Deliverance? He had a compound leg fracture
and never cried a lick. He didn’t have many lines after that injury other than
screaming and moaning, but he didn’t cry. If, however, you find yourself in a
situation in which there is a reason to actually cry, then make sure you cry
like a man. What do I mean when I say you should cry like a man? Well
here’s a short list of the different types of crying which exists out there:
Babies. Babies cry, primarily, to annoy their parents. Picture their sad
situation. They were doing just fine in that dark little room of theirs
for month after month; playing games, singing songs, writing their
names on the wall. And then suddenly, for no reason whatsoever,
they are pushed from this warm, cozy world into a cold, loud
frightening environment in which alien beings prod, poke and
otherwise annoy them. You would cry too if this happened to you.
You probably did.
Woman’s. A woman’s cry can depend on the situation. If she’s
pissed at you, the situation we like to concern ourselves with here in
this book, then she will likely be sobbing. This is meant to impart the
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belief that she is at her wits’ end and can do nothing but breakdown
and cry. My girlfriend used to say that when she was sobbing, “I’m at
wits’ end with you” This implies that it is now up to you, the guy
who probably screwed things up and got her all upset in the first
place, to fix or otherwise solve the problem. How you might
accomplish this is up to you. However, you will know that you have
succeeded in solving the problem when she stops crying and is happy
once again. Well, probably not happy, but at least not crying. Note
that this transition can take place in as little as 15 seconds or as long
as, well, forever.
There is another type of crying women have in their repertoire of
relationship weaponry. This is more vocal than simply sobbing
because you’ve once again screwed something up. This type of
crying is usually reserved for something truly tragic, like the death of
a loved one or that you’ve used one of her shoes to pound a nail into
the wall. If this is the case then all you will be able to do is to be
there for her. You will, during these times, have the ability to be
comforting in no other manner. The truly gifted women will have the
ability to take a hearty cry to a full fledged wail, such as might be
appropriate at a funeral. This becomes even more effective if the
woman attempts to crawl inside the casket with the loved one as well.
Man’s. A man’s cry is not dependant upon the situation - it is always
the same. Picture this: The man will stand, or sit if preferred, stone
still and stare off into the distance. Slowly a small tear will form in
the corner of one eye, and then the other. Once the first tear has
dripped down his cheek, the upper lip may quiver slightly. A deep
breath may be taken here if the reason for crying in the first place is
particularly emotional. Men do not usually like to talk during this
difficult period, but if required to do so it is important to make sure
you have a drink in your hand. You can direct your conversation into
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the glass so that your words will bounce off the cubes, making them
particularly icy.
Random Crying. There is a category of people who will cry for
reasons which, though may be valid, escape the sensibilities of most
of us. They cry for their own pathetic reasons honestly, deeply and
without reservation. This group includes; little girls who feel they’re
not getting their fair share, TV evangelists who’ve been exposed,
exiled politicians, deposed heads-of-state, jockeys accused of doping,
Chicago Cubs fans, Boston Red Sox fans, Danny Ange, indicted
CEO’s, and all mothers whose children have disappointed them (this
would include all mothers whose children who have either not
become Doctors or have not married a Doctor).
Exercise 7.3 - Standard Man Things
Above all, let us not forget about the Standard Man Things for which you
are, and will always be, responsible. And let me tell you, that’s a lot of
responsibility. Fortunately, there is a place, a sanctuary where you can go to
accomplish most of the Standard Man Things; the garage. Although there
may not always be something to fix, or break, you can always go into your
garage (or better yet a workshop where you can smoke cigars until you get
into trouble) and pound away on some piece of metal with a hammer until
everything works itself out. And with a big enough hammer, it will. The
garage should be setup exactly the way you want, so that she won’t be able to
find anything.
The Standard Man Things are understood by women to be those things which
she does not want to do and furthermore wants you to do. That’s what they
are. The broad, but certainly not complete, list of these things would include;
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Outside stuff. Anything which is located, or needs or be done,
outside is your responsibility. This would include everything
associated with trash, clippings, refuse, rodents and garbage in any
and all forms. It’s all yours buddy. The garage is also included within
this category as it is located outside as far as she’s concerned. The
exception here may be a garden which will be her area of concern. If
this is the case, you will still be expected to participate in it’s
cultivation and maintenance by composting, mulching, digging,
hauling, chopping, weeding, turning, and the never-ending tilling
until you can’t till no more.
Spiders. Spiders are great because they can make you appear to be
“The Great Protector” without your really having to do much. The
only exception here is if you happen to be afraid of spiders. In that
case, asking your woman to kill the spider would be considered
something less than manly. In fact, it’s probably just a notch above
having a pedicure while discussing the fall fashions with the ladies
and drinking chamomile tea.
Be aware that there are many spiders which can jump, leap or
otherwise scurry about very quickly. If you happen to be startled by
the sudden movement of a spider you’re about to kill (for example, it
jumps on you, attacking viciously, which is what happened to me one
time) and you, without thinking, scream at the top of your lungs like
a 5 year old girl, don’t expect your wife not to tell people. Also, don’t
expect to have sex with her for awhile. I’m just warning you up front.
Tight lids. Here’s another big win for the expenditure of relatively
little effort. Make sure though, that when you do open the lid of the
jar, or whatever, that the crap in the bottle doesn’t fly out all over the
place. This will quickly cast you from a hero to a villain in one swell
foop. If you cannot actually open the lid, then bang it on something
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until you can open it, or it breaks. If possible, don’t let her know that
you can’t get the lid open. She’ll be forced to try herself, open it
easily, then you’ll never have sex again. Hint: When doing anything
of a physical nature for her, grunt. Women love that.
Putting things together. This is usually only of value on or just prior
to Christmas. This is also something which should probably be done
in the garage in which spills, rips, gashes and other mishaps are not
likely to piss her off. However, you’ll want to make sure that she sees
just how handy you are with your tools, which in your mind translates
into your also being good in bed, while in her mind translates into
your fixing the kitchen cabinet doors next weekend. It is important
that she see you working on your project during the complicated
middle phase in which stuff is strewn hither and yon, and not during
the final phase in which you will be required to exhibit something
functional.
The Mattress. The turning of a mattress may not be an easy thing to
accomplish on your own. Particularity if you have one of those very
large, East Coast king-sized mattresses. Or maybe it’s the West Coast
variety which is the larger, I can’t remember. Regardless, she will, for
whatever reason, believe that you have always done turned the sucker
on your own in the past and so you should be able to do it again now.
You can try to explain to her that you’ve never successfully
accomplished this task without the timely application of the jaws of
life, but she’ll just scoff and tell you to do it anyway.
Since you’ve foolishly decided to take this on, you may want to put
some thought into exactly how your going to accomplish this task as
it is quite possible that you will wind up underneath the thing
requiring help to get out, again. Unfortunately, your wife will be
laughing so hard that she will neither be able to help you nor to dial
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911 and so, in this unfortunate case, you’re likely to expire.
Hopefully, you don’t as I’m not sure that this sort of thing would be
covered under your home owners insurance policy, whereas had you
been crushed I think it might have been.
The Vehicles. Anything having to do with the vehicles’ maintenance-
wise is your responsibility. Upkeep is the big thing here. If she is out
somewhere and something happens to her car mechanically, you will
be blamed. I was once blamed for an accident a girlfriend of mine
was in because her windshield was dirty and there was no water in the
windshield wiper reservoir when she tried to clean the windshield,
which smeared and so she couldn’t see the lake and...well, you get the
idea. So, it is important that you take care of your woman’s car with
the same fervor that you take care of your woman. Maybe more.
There is also a subtle benefit resulting from your working on the cars
during the weekend. Women love to look out the window and see her
man working on something. Preferably on something which really
does need to be worked on, but usually it doesn’t matter to her. He’s
taking care of her by taking care of her car. Ah, hearts and butterflies
fill the air. So, make sure the vehicles are taken care of, simple as
that.
Miscellaneous. This involves doing pretty much whatever she wants,
whenever she wants it done. Don’t argue, just get the requirements
and get to work. Often a women will have you do something only to
complain later that you didn’t do what she wanted. When you point
out that even if you didn’t do what she wanted, you did in fact do
what she asked you to do, my friend, will go straight to relationship
hell. You will not pass “GO” nor will you collect $200. Have you
learned nothing? She is always right.
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The problem may be that you had probably screwed-up the project by
not asking enough specific questions up front. You need to find out,
in detail, what it was she wants you to do. I’m sorry guy, there’s just
no other way. Realize that asking questions up-front is likely to piss
her off somewhat (maybe even a lot), but it won’t compare to how
pissed you both will be when you have to do it all over again.
Exercise 7.4 - Being Decisive
Don’t be wishy-washy, women hate indecisiveness. Pick a direction and
boldly go; go to where no man has gone before. Even if it’s moving west in a
covered wagon directly into the heart of a desolate snow-covered wilderness
in 1857. Even if it’s into the depths of a Baby Shower because you forgot
your golf shoes. Even, God Bless this great Country of ours, even if it’s into
the heart of downtown Baghdad! Oh, sorry, where was I? Ah yes,
decisiveness. Again my point is, don’t be wishy-washy. Women hate that.
So, once you’ve decided what it is you want or need to do, then go boldly
forth. That is, unless she says otherwise. If she changes your mind for you,
saving you from the bother of having to do it yourself, then you might want
to hold off on that boldly going forward thing for a minute or so. Now is the
time for discussion. Don’t give in immediately. If you do, this will give her
the impression that she can walk all over you, when in fact you want to make
her realize that there are only certain parts of you which she can walk all
over. Once you’ve discussed the alternatives rationally and have both calmly
decided to do what she says to do, then you can boldly go forth into the
desolation....
* Women *
The single exercise in this section is simply an introduction into those things outside the
realm of the home which are important to a man. This is, essentially, a collection of
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important activities and events which extend a man’s world beyond his domestic life. Ok,
here’s the deal. He’s going to do all he can for this relationship. But don’t expect
miracles. Just the fact that he’s trying should count for something. So, although not
strictly required for maintaining the health of a relationship, you might find that taking
an interest in some of his activities can help by bringing you closer together.
If so inclined, you can learn to participate in those activities which he finds interesting or
fun; dull, insipid or uninteresting as they may actually be. One important caution here,
however, would be to make sure not to invade his space if he is participating in some
activity with a man-friend. This is the rarely observed male bonding during which little is
said, but much accomplished. This is an important event in a man’s life and one which
should not be tampered with, or if necessary, tampered with in a very subtle manner. If,
on the other hand, he is engaged in some outside activity with a female-friend of his
(which should never under any circumstances exist) then there is a problem here. A big
one and a severe ass-woopin' all around would not be out of line.
Exercise 7.5 - His Interests
Ok, ladies you’ve gotten off pretty easy until now. This, however, is where it
gets tough; this is where the rubber meets the road. The concept here is that
you’re going to want to show him how much you love him by taking an
interest in, as well as participating in, some activities of interest to him. What
this means is that you need to identify what sort of guy you’ve got there. Do
you have a guy who sits on the couch watching sports every weekend, in
which case your participation will involve eating large quantities of Cheetos
and drink beer while watching the game? Or do you have the kind of guy
who likes to get out there and get into it hisself?
If you happen to have a more sedentary sort of man, then this should be easy.
Watching the game with him and asking questions is good because guys just
love to explain the subtleties of whatever game happens to be on to his
woman. And the more technically subtle the question the sexier. For
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example, if you were to ask about the “Infield Fly Rule” during game 7 of
the World Series, he would instantly be mired in a quandary as to whether to
finish watching the game or to ravage you in the bedroom. While the chances
of this one weigh heavily in favor of game 7, a question like “What's a
safety?” during a regular season football game would have little against
which to compete.
Now if he’s an outdoors kind of guy, chances are good you knew this going
into the relationship. It’s probably not as if your geek of a software engineer
husband came home one evening and said. “Honey load up the shotguns,
duck season’s open tomorrow and weeze goin' huntin'”. If he is an outdoor
kind of guy, and you’ve got an engine hanging from a tree in your front yard,
his wallet hanging from a chain on his belt and a well worn leather skirt and
tube top hanging in your closet, you don’t need to read this section as there’s
nothing you’re going to learn from me. If, however, your idea of the great
outdoors involves hotel reservations, clean sheets and dinner at a nice Italian
restaurant, then you’re going to want to pay close attention here.
Bowling. Men love to bowl because they can drink beer while they’re
doing it. Bowling is a relatively simple pastime and most men, pretty
much regardless of their physical condition, can participate at
relatively high levels of competition. This is another big plus for male
bowlers, absolutely no exercise is required. Bowling leagues, are also
a great way to participate in something enjoyable together. Mixed
leagues (males and females) are fun and people of all ages and
abilities can compete. There are only three things you’re going to
need to remember about bowling, besides just getting up there and
heaving the ball down the lane.
The first involves leagues; if you are in a league make sure you bowl
poorly for the first 5 or 6 games. This is where they will determine
your handicap (don’t ask, just trust me on this one). Of course, after
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that you’re going to have to get your act together and get really good
because men love competition and the competition must be crushed
into a moist paste in the ground. The second thing to remember is to
let him keep score. Men love to demonstrate their mathematical
skills, which will likely not exist beyond adding up a beer tab, by
keeping score. Men also love to count things. As far as counting goes,
the last thing to remember is that he’ll go through about 2 beers per
game.
Hunting. Men love to hunt because they can drink beer while they’re
doing it. Men will say they love to kill things, but when it comes
down to it they really don’t. Hunting involves going out into the
wilderness, wearing camouflage with a bright orange hunting vest
over it so that you don’t get shot, drinking large quantities of beer and
shooting at anything that is not wearing a bright orange hunting vest.
This is what occurred on the one hunting trip on which I was a
participant. Others have said, though, that there is more to it than that.
Some people carry guns into the wilderness in order to shoot and kill
real animals. Realize that, while this is a sporting activity for many
men, it was in the past an actual means of survival. Men, retaining
some of this old imprinting, may feel a sense of having to provide for
his family by dragging home a shot-up stop sign. If this happens, try
to see it for the sincere offering to you that it is. Your participation in
the male hunting activity would be to cover your ears with your
hands when he shoots at something (don’t worry he couldn’t hit the
ground with his hat) and to get him another beer once he’s finished
with the one he has in his hand.
Fishing. Men love to fish because they can drink beer while they’re
doing it. Fishing, as far as women are concerned, is just a bit more
humane than hunting, but still that would put it just below clubbing
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baby seals to death. But many woman don’t mind fishing as long as
they don’t have to deal with the bait. Women don’t realize that for the
most part, real fishermen use plastic lures rather than live worms or
something that smells like 6-month-old cheese (which is usually 6-
month-old cheese). This is often a problem as the use of a lure
involves some level of skill with the rod and reel.
This skill is quite different than the simple bait fishing of days gone
by where you dropped the worm down to the bottom, or better yet,
used a bobber. Using a lure involves casting the lure out into the
water as far as you can, and then reeling the lure back in. If you do
this 6 or 7 hundred times, then you may just catch something. This
activity is intended to entice a fish into snapping-up the lure,
provided that the lure looks like something a fish would consider
snapping-up in the first place. The problem is that casting and
subsequently reeling in a lure requires practice in order to become
proficient.
If you, the female, attempt to engage in this activity with your
partner, and have not previously practiced the art of casting, you are
quite likely to sink a treble hook deep into his ear lobe. This may
cause your man to drop his beer, and then there’s going to be trouble.
So, unless you are already proficient at this sort of fishing experience,
I would seriously reconsider bowling. If you have really made up
your mind to go fishing with your mate, then prepare yourself for the
full experience: Long periods of beer-drinking boredom interspersed
with exciting bursts of unhooking garbage and other crap from your
line.
Camping. Men love to camp because it’s something they can do
while drinking. For a man camping is getting back to nature at its
absolute best. In a big-ass Winnebago with a warm bed, refrigerator
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stuffed with beer, microwave, DVD, satellite TV which gets porn
stations, shower, toilet and all the electricity you could ever want. But
of course, this is simply for occasional comfort and that’s not really
what camping is all about is it? No, it isn’t. It’s about you and your
mate being together in the great outdoors. It’s about sharing the
wonders of nature with the person that you love. It’s about this next
story:
Back in the days when you could leave all of your stuff
unattended in your campsite without concern, my parents
would take my sister and I deep into the wilderness and
leave us without concern. No, actually they would stay as
well and we would all camp for two weeks each summer.
On one particular trip, my dad had sold a large outboard
motor to someone and so was lugging around some
heavy bucks. He decided to hide it somewhere in the
camper so that nobody would find it, should we be robbed
by bears. So, he scurried into he camper alone only to
emerge a few minutes later grinning from ear-to-ear. Well,
of course, this was a challenge. My sister and I scoured
the camper for hours but to no avail, couldn’t find the
dough.
Later that night we were all eating dinner around the
campfire. My dad happened to remark about how hot and
bright the fire was that evening. I don’t remember much
of the intervening conversation until the part where mom
said that the empty cardboard paper towel tube was also
burning there in the fire. My dad seemed to immediately
lose interest in dinner once that information had been
revealed. So, guess what was in the paper towel tube?
That’s right, my college fund up in smoke.
Sports Events. There are really only two events with which you will
need to become familiar. The football finals known as the Super
Bowl, and the baseball finals known as the World Series. From your
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perspective the only difference between these two is the outfits that
the players wear. Let’s take this from the top. The entire day will be
dedicated to this one event - it doesn’t matter which one, both will be
treated in the same manner. We’ll start early with the fixin’s like beer,
beef ribs, chips, burgers, more beer, hot dogs, potato salad, more beer,
pork ribs, dip, more chips and more beer. Now we’re not idiots mind
you, we don’t just start drinking beer first thing in the morning. We
mix it with tomato juice.
If there are other people at this event as well, then your participation
can be limited to making sure that nothing in the house gets damaged,
or at least gets damaged beyond repair. Understand that you will have
only so much control for the better part of the day, so you may as well
just rationalize it away however you need to right now. This will only
occur twice each year, so you can just suck it up soldier. And you can
also forget about saving your carpet. If, however, others are not
involved and it’s just you and your sweetie, then your participation
can be much more hands-on. While this scenario will require more of
your participation, you will have better control of the overall spill and
crumb situation. So, good with the bad.
Drinking. Men love to drink.
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Afterward
I think that the best thing I can say at this point would be to practice the exercises. Not
that this will necessarily work mind you; even my expertise is no match for natural male
stupidity. Let me tell you about my evening last night. My fiancée and I were in the
process of getting ready to go out to dinner when she asked me, innocently enough mind
you, how her new slacks looked on her. Taking my own advice I immediately replied
that they looked great and then, for whatever brain-damaged reason, added that I also
loved the “panty lines”. Why I did this I have no idea other than the aforementioned
observation that my brain had been somehow damaged. Well, you can easily imagine that
the evening quickly went skittering downhill from there. Rather than immediately
apologizing, which is what I should have done had I remembered my own advice, I
stated that I liked panty lines because they were actually like the frame around a picture.
I might just as well have kicked a puppy right there in front of her for all the good that
comment did me. She looked at me as if I were insane, which I think I may have been. I
can’t imagine any other explanation for that comment – I mean really, a picture frame? I
ended the evening by stating that the dessert (yes, we did somehow actually make it out
to dinner) was “too chocolaty”. Now this is a phrase that has likely never been uttered by
any woman at any time in history, but leave it to me to come up with a comment that
both blows and sucks at the same time. It was at about that point when I started drinking.
That’s about all I remember of last night until this morning when I woke-up on the
couch.
Hope this helps.
Bye!
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