The Science of Parenting By Dr Margot Sunderland The infant brain Why the early years matter so much. Experience can change the mature brain…but experience during critical periods of childhood organises actual brain systems. Epigenetics (e.g. GABA) When a child is born their brain is still forming itself. Some of the brain cells are even still in the process of moving to the right place ( a process called migration). The brain is like an unwired computer The neocortex (and the front part is known as the frontal lobes) Parenting has a dramatic effect on this part of the brain That’s why the brain is often referred to as a social organ. •Frontal Lobe Functions •Ability to learn, •Ability to concentrate •Ability to reflect •Ability to plan •Good Impulse control •Empathy •Emotional Regulation •Problem solving Emotional and social intelligence When a parent consistently and repeatedly soothes their child’s stress and distress ( rather than triggers it), then top- down brain pathways are established which naturally inhibit the reptilian brain’s primitive impulses of flight, fight, freeze Over time this means the establishing of effective stress regulating systems in the child’s brain, essential for IQ and EQ The lack of effective stress regulating systems in the brain is the reason why some teenagers and adults still have the aggressive impulses of a toddler In healthy child development physical aggression peaks at around two and then declines after that. Here we see how with some people, physical aggression never declines after two years of age, but remains high over the teenage and adult years. Can Child Adolesc Psychiatr Rev. 2005 Feb;14(1):3-9.Physical aggression during early childhood: trajectories and predictors.Tremblay RE et al The Reptilian Brain (often referred to the housekeeping part of our brain responsible for all our basic functions such as breathing and for survival instincts: fight/flight/freeze ) The problem is that a lot of people are walking/ and have walked on this earth with very poor frontal lobe functions and trigger happy reptilian brains due to poor parenting. Even more worrying, some of these people happen to be world leaders! When infants are born the reptilian and old mammalian parts of their brain are very much on line but the frontal lobes are not finished ….

The importance of empathic parenting to develop the neocortex (frontal lobes) Empathic listening is key to developing an infant’s frontal lobe functions Example of parental dysregulation Annie ( age two) Don’t want to go home. Stay here. Daddy. You have to calm down Annie Don’t want to go stay here (screaming loudly) Daddy (shouting) just stop this behaviour right now Example of emotional regulation Annie ( age two) Don’t want to go home. Stay here. Daddy. You loved the playgroup. You want to stay here, not go home Annie Don’t want to go, stay hear (screaming loudly) Daddy . Daddy knows. Annie wants stay here not go home not go home. Annie ( quietens and let’s Daddy picks her up and she cuddles into his lap Toddlerese: Harvey Karp Harvey Karp’s research shows that using short empathic statements can reduce tantrum length dramatically. Use short phrases and lots of repetition. Be almost as dramatic with your face and voice as your child -Repeat back with the same energy Examples You don’t want to leave, want to stay want to stay. No go home now. Daddy knows. You are cross, cross, cross You want that toy/ you want it /you want that toy /you want. You want outside. You want outside. Mummy knows You wanted it so much. And then you got sad It may not feel normal at first but this is the toddler’s language. Empathic listening leads to good vagal tone …. Children/ Teenagers, better able: To learn To use life well To concentrate To enjoy relationships To be kind to others Gottman, J, Katz, L, Hoover, C (1996) Parental Meta-Emotion Philosophy and the Emotional Life of Families: Theoretical Models and Preliminary Data. Journal of Family Psychology 1996, Vol. 10, No. 3, 243-268 Without effective stress regulatory systems in the brain, alarm systems in the brain keep triggering, you can grow up feeling anxious, angry or depressed. One of these alarm systems is called the amgydala Don’t use the following parenting practices as research shows they activate the child’s stress hormones: • Do not use isolation as a discipline technique with the under- fives •

Don’t Use the following parenting practices as research shows they activate the child’s stress hormones: Deprive an infant of skin to skin contact immediately after birth and onwards Leave to cry Discipline through anger Lack of parent – child playful interaction Lack of empathic listening in response to the child’s distress/tantrums Lack of physical affection Cry inducing parenting techniques Parent child separations not being handled well Parental Intrusiveness/insensitive handling with nappy changing, bathing, eating, sleeping, playing, mastering tasks Parent’s arguing Hurtful siblings Watching a sibling being harshly punished Emotionally distant parents (either as a discipline tactic or as part of depression) Leaving young babies to cry causes a strain on the heart Elevated stress hormones Extreme pressure on the heart Elevated blood pressure Elevated cerebral pressure Erratic fluctuations of heart rate, breathing, temperature, PROTEST - DESPAIR - DETACHMENT – Suppressed immune and digestive systems Suppressed growth hormone Apneas Bergman 2005, Bergman et al 2011. Ludington-Hoe SM, Cong X, Hashemi FNeonatal Network, 2002 Leaving babies to cry causes a strain on the heart resulting in tachycardia. In young infants, it can even re- establish fetal circulation. The part of the heart known as the foramen ovale re-opens ( see the part of the picture marked with a square) as is the case in the fetus. Ludington-Hoe SM, Cong X, Hashemi FNeonatal Network, 2002 What the science says about the long term costs of this: •Infants are highly dependent. That’s just how they are genetically programmed. Their immature brain and bodily systems means they are highly dependent on their parents for emotional and physiological regulation. When they don’t get this in the early years, hundreds of research studies from top medical and scientific laboratories all over the world show problems with stress in later life The common belief when leaving a baby to cry and then they fall asleep is that controlled crying has been successful. However again this ‘ shut down’ mode is a genetically programmed response •The shut down mode is entirely adaptive in terms of evolution. With higher mammals, if you continue to cry for your mother, it will attract predators. • Any baby or infant mammal left to cry will eventually stop crying. They can then move into a shut down survival mode.

Stress hormones from “leave to cry” and other stress inducing parenting techniques We wouldn’t dream of putting children in a garage full of petrol fumes but some parents unwittingly act in ways that means that toxic levels of stress hormones damage the child’s developing brain, giving free radicals a field day The limbic system in the brain Brain scientists have found seven genetically ingrained emotional systems in this part of the brain. These systems are like muscles. RAGE/ FEAR/ GRIEF/ SEEKING/CARE/ PLAY/LUST. The more we activate one of the systems, the more they become part of the personality. Prolonged uncomforted distress that triggers the RAGE/FEAR/DISTRESS systems damages the brain. So if adult child interactions keep triggering the CARE (attachment), SEEKING ( desire to learn and explore) and PLAY systems, children can grow up warm, empathic, and loving learning. There are some amazing chemical systems in the brain to do with the capacity to feel calm, joy, and well – being. Parenting can impact positively or negatively on the actual gene expression of some of these systems. Oxytocin Opioids Prolactin GABA Benzodiazepines ( brain’s natural valium) Serotonin Dopamine ( plus others) The more a parent activates these lovely well- being chemicals in the child’s brain, the more they become part of the personality. Hence the scientists refer to ‘ states become traits.’ The whole feel of the world changes when the emotion chemicals :opioids, oxytocin, prolactin,( they often work in combination) are in dominance in the brain So what can adults do to activate these wonderful chemical systems in a way that the child’s brain habituates to them ? The more a parent activates these lovely well- being chemicals in the child’s brain, the more they become part of the personality. Hence the scientists refer to ‘ states become traits.’ Every time a parent interacts with an infant in a lovely way it is very important, because cumulatively it will impact positively on that child’s developing brain Adopt ways of being with an infant that take the stress out of everything: •Eating •Crying •Sleeping •Playing •Tantrums •Learning language •Discipline •Toilet training •Getting dressed

Sadly too many children around the world experience parenting that does not activate these lovely brain chemicals for enough of the time. Instead stress hormones are persistently activated. This is often because of the myth that the infant brain is resilient to stress •Case Study : Over- watching and over- wiping •Phyllis had had a difficult time with Billy after birth. He wouldn’t feed properly and so she was terrified he would die. Now one year old, she moves into ‘over- watching” and over- wiping •“ Try a bit more, no do eat this bit, at least this bit. Now don’t mess with your potato. Sit up straight, no I mean it, stop messing about. Now just one more mouthful. Look you are just messing with it etc ” Throughout Phyllis is repeatedly wiping his face. And during all this, Billy is of course are ‘strapped in ‘ to a high chair. • If you were sitting in a restaurant with your friend, partner, or spouse and they did this ‘over-watching’ and over- wiping you would probably want to scream! • •DO: Because of this very important research, adopt a soothing loving-to-sleep routine, and never ‘a go-to-sleep-and-stay-asleep-on-your-own routine’ ( Elizabeth Pantley] Rock her, soothe her, or let her fall asleep on your body. This is the right environment for the baby Soothing tantrums •The research also found that lots of people get caught in the “anger trap”. They try and question the child or reason with them in this stage which just prolongs the tantrum. •It’s best to wait until the sadness is stronger than the anger and then the child is available for comfort. She either reaches out for comfort or will let you pick her up. •We advise in the anger phase- never question or reason, but use short empathic phrases to acknowledge that you acknowledge what child is so angry about and then stay in the room. But leave the child the emotional and physical space to discharge their tension in the anger phase. •Do Always be emotionally and physically available to pick her up and comfort her as the distress tantrum subsides •This is a vital stage. Your calm body and voice will bring stress hormones back to base rate and trigger those lovely opioids and oxytocin chemicals in her brain •The means that some infants are put off food at a very early age as they are not only swallowing down the food but also their mother’ stress!

The Power of Play Brain scientists have found seven genetically ingrained emotional systems in this part of the brain. These systems are like muscles. The more we activate one of the systems, the more they become part of the personality. We share this system with other mammals For centuries people have known that play is essential for a child, but now we have some astounding brain science to back this up We are talking here particularly about physical relational play, the play between adult and child Research shows that the mental and motor development of children deteriorating in institutional care improved dramatically after relational play When parents find relational play difficult Case study: showing how parent playing with toys with their child can activate the infant’s stress hormones not pleasure chemicals Molly’s mother made some very common mistakes when playing with her child. She chose the toys and led the play. Mother: Look Molly what is this? It’s a red block. Say red. What is this a blue block, say blue. Now see look the blue block can go on the red one. Come on Molly you try, like this. You try now. This sort of play will activate stress hormones for the child, just as it did here. The child feels intruded on, with a pressure to perform and speak. All spontaneity is gone. Molly burst into tears and threw the blocks across the room Sue Jenner - The Parent- child Game The aim is to support the parent to shift from parent- led play to child led play and in so doing change the family culture from being driven by stress hormones to one where well- being brain chemicals (e.g. opioids/oxytocin) are frequently activated in the brains of both parent and child Child - Led Play ( pro-social chemical activation in the brain ) Attends Ask to Play Attune Warm touches Use play time to help language development. Don’t just parrot him back, gently build on the length of his sentences For more information and references see ‘ What Every Parent Needs to Know” by Margot Sunderland. Also for more presentations by Margot Sunderland see www.childmentalhealthcentre.org Copyright M Sunderland 2012