the railroad to life and understanding

Ișvănescu Alexandra RoxanaThe railroad to life and [email protected]

His name was David Willster. He was one of the many that was participating in the coming of

age ceremony and ritual that year. What made him different from the others was what happened

after the event ended.

Every few years, in the community of Nash, a small town south of a forest, south of a hill on

which the trains travelled, in this community there had been a tradition since, people would say,

"the beginning of time itself". This tradition involved performing a ritual, a coming of age

tradition that everyone believed in and treasured to this day. It was meant to help the teenagers

and young adults appreciate nature and wilderness, it was meant to make them feel responsible

for their actions as they are tasked with taking care of the railroad tracks uphill. And with this

responsibility, the future of many others - children, wives, men of all kind - was on resting on

their shoulders.

What did this mean? It meant that if they had left any branch lying on the railroad tracks, that

one branch that was overlooked, that one branch might actually endanger the lives of many

taking the train uphill. There have been occasions when things have been overlooked but it had

never been something that damaged the wheels of the train or even created a difficulty for the

train to travel. Why? It was actually because of the diligence and meticulousness of all the

teenagers and young adults that participated in the event. Everyone worked together to do their

job and with this, participating in this would ensure a brighter future for each of them as they

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learn, they develop their trust in the community, in friends, in people and most importantly, they

learn that nature is powerful and that they should treasure it as such.

On one of these so called "Railroad keeping" events, one of the participants was a young man by

the name of David Willster. Why was David special? He was special since compared to the other

participants, he came out of this event slightly scarred, battered, bruised... however it wasn't

because of an accident, it was due to something else entirely. And it wasn't physically, it was

mentally.

It happened on a sunny day of September. The wind was blowing lightly and the temperature,

considering the approach of autumn, was rather high. The small town at the bottom of the hill,

which proudly bore the name of Nash, seemed abnormally agitated that day. People were out in

the streets fanning themselves, cheering loudly, crowding each other as they tried to make their

way to the other side of the town where, on a small oval stage, stood a short, rather plump

looking man. He wore a grin on his face and he stood proud in front of the crowd that was

gathering.

He had built the community with his sweat and tears just like his fathers had before him. He was

the mayor of the town, the one who governed all events, and the one who governed this one.

Every few years, he knew, he had to decide who to put in charge of guiding the teenagers up the

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hill and also make it so everyone knew what they had to do. It was a small community and most

people knew one another and that was what made all of this more exciting.

It had been a tradition for so long, he had heard about it from his grandfather that had heard

about it from his own grandfather and so on. Each generation passed this down as they grew;

each and every one of them respected this. It was the one event that brought people together and

gave them hope of a better future for not only them, but for their kids. It was a coming of age

ritual, that's what people thought, it was "The Railroad Keeping” event.

As soon as people stopped gathering he drew his hands together and cupped the microphone that

was set on the stage, on a small pedestal in front of him. He began reading out a list of teenagers

and young adults that were going to be participating in the event while also tracking down the

people that were going to be helping them, the people in charge of knowing how and what to do.

Those people were the guides.

The guide's only job was to help everyone up the hill, tell them what to do, point them in the

right direction but never intervene. In case they saw something that they couldn't handle, the

guide's job was also to signal someone to come back home and ask for more people to help,

however this rarely happened. The guide's job was to observe in other words.

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"Leone McKinley,” the mayor uttered loudly as he gazed down at the African American standing

in the centre of the crowd. "Teressa Smith,” he turned to look at the far off corner where a rather

skinny looking woman stood proudly as she heard her name called out. "And Boley Tick,” his

attention averted to the glasses wearing engineer to the side of the stage who was scratching the

side of his elbow looking rather giddy upon hearing his name called out.

"Now that everyone has been assigned, now that everyone knows who's going to be

participating, I hereby announce that the "Railroad Keeping" event shall no longer stall. If there

is someone that doesn't know what he or she should do, they should instantly report for further

explanation to the appointed guides. And with this, let the event begin!” the crowd cheered

loudly with that statement. Each and every person in the crowd knew where they stood then,

whether they were too young to participate, too old to, whether they were a teenager or not, they

now knew what was coming ahead of them. And with those words, almost instantly, everyone

dissipated, each rushing to their previous business or even the one ahead.

David was just a participant and although he knew most of the other participants, he also knew

one of the guides. "Leone McKinley,” he whispered his name as memories of their first

encounter began to form inside his mind. He had met Leone when he was but a little child

looking for trouble. He stumbled into him while trying to run away from his parents and at first,

agitated, trying to distance himself from the man, he was pulled back as the man smiled gently

upon him and said, "Shouldn't you be with your parents, little one?", his voice stood out as one

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of the most calm voices he had ever heard. With a nod, the little boy turned away and listened to

the older man which in the future he would proudly call one of his friends.

That was their first meeting and throughout the years he had learnt that the man stood true to

himself. He really was the most gentle and honest person he had met. Seemingly, a long time ago

he had moved here in hopes of finding a brighter future, as most people who moved here did.

And although he was only a small factory worker, he had earned the respect of many other

townspeople. He was reliable and hardworking even in his job and when help was needed; he

would usually be the first one to volunteer. Everyone in one way or another learned of his name.

And David? David was proud to stand next to the man and call him a friend. There was a rather

huge age difference between them as David was only 19 years old whilst his friend, Leone was

in his 40's. However, the man had helped him out so many times before that he just felt him close

and felt as he was one of the few people he could actually rely on.

Thinking about the other guides, he walked home. He knew Teressa to be a quite an emotionally-

driven woman, her agitation could be seen from the way she walked and her happiness could be

heard from her loud and sometimes obnoxious laughter. And although she was scrawny-looking,

her face shined with brilliance and even wisdom. She definitely knew who she was and knew

where she stood among them all, and that in itself was wonderful.

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While Boley Tick was another story. Although he studied abroad to get an Electrical and

Electronical Engineering Master's degree, he was still a small town folk at heart. That's precisely

why he came back and came up with his own business as he delved into science, trying to come

up with new and wacky inventions. Most people avoided him as sometimes he started ranting

about his passion towards inventions and electrical equipment and although the first few times

you heard it, it was oddly fascinating, the other times it was just mind boggling odd and

annoying.

He strode through the streets, taking big steps to reach his home a bit faster. He barely came to a

halt in front of it when he heard his name being called out. Who might that have been? Well, he

could recognise that voice in a million. It was Lucy, his girlfriend of two years now. They were

in high school together before, now each on their way to their own University, but they still

stood strong as they tried to make the most out of what little time they had together.

She looked quite frail if you spent that much time staring her down, she had a petite figure and

her small oval face betrayed signs of hurt but also innocence. He knew her well enough to figure

out that she might have been abused when she was young, but he had never questioned her about

it, never asked, always thought, and always wondered. Her genuine smile could almost bring him

to tears, if anyone suffered throughout their childhood and remained as pure and innocent as her,

he would doubt them, maybe at first.

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Lucy waved to him and quickly made her way to him. Once near him enough she threw her arms

around him pulling him into a warm hug. He revelled in the touch of her as he wrapped his arms

around her small waist. Holding her closer he pulled her up, just a bit, just a tiny bit so that her

feet weren't on the ground anymore. He knew... he knew she loved the feeling of being held up.

She once admitted that it made her feel at peace and that is precisely why she had decided to

study abroad... because she thought and somehow knew deep inside her that she would love

flying.

He set her down and pressed his lips on hers for a few seconds, pulling back and smiling down at

her. Their height difference had always made him laugh before as she always put up a fuss about

her short self. At times she even blamed him for being too tall.

"Hey,” she said in an almost whisper. "Hello,” he said back. They remained there for a couple of

moments just enjoying each other’s presence as they hugged. Their small affectionate moment

was interrupted by David however, whose thoughts kept wandering off every now and again -

something which happened extremely often-. He pulled back ever so slightly and noticing this

change in behaviour, Lucy trailed his jawline with the tips of her fingertips. This small gesture

made him focus back on the beautiful person in front of him.

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He smiled and kissed her forehead, letting go of her. "You know you're into this, too, so you

might as well make haste and prepare yourself before you come over and demand attention,", he

said matter-of-factly. He knew that if he hadn't been participating in the almost annual event of

railroad keeping he wouldn't have let go of her that easily. But his responsibility dragged him

away from her and up the stairs to his house. With his hand on the doorknob, he turned his head

around to see her still standing in the same spot she had seconds ago.

He chuckled ever so slightly as he ushered her to go on, to go change and get whatever else she

needed but this in turn just got him a pout. Her lips puckered up as she looked down almost hurt.

This time, he actually did laugh. He quickly jumped down the stairs and gave her another peck

on the lips before entering his home, this time not glancing back anymore.

And with that he got ready. Once back in his room, he packed a small backpack with a spare

change of clothes and a few snacks. Their job was easy enough. They just had to hike all the way

up the hill, which if you think about isn't that steep after all, and clear out any mud or leaves or

anything that could possibly be on the railroad tracks. Most of the time, he knew, he had heard

from his father, they didn't even need to do much and the hike all the way up there was just for

fun, was just testing their courage and their determination to make it through life when you

encounter hardships, it was something that was meant to inspire rather than drag you down.

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As soon as he was ready, he heard his mother walk in. She kissed his cheeks before setting

herself down on his bed. David knew what was coming. It was the talk. The talk about growing

up and leaving them behind and her being too old to be able to do everything now, he knew this.

He had heard this before but this time, it didn't happen. She just sat there, staring at him as they

both nodded to each other in some sort of mutual understanding. He sighed, he knew she was

worried but it wasn't like her to openly express that. That's why she was here. He gave her a

quick hug.

"This cannot be drawn-out,” he thought to himself as he stared at the clock on the side of his

desk. "9:15 AM,” he said it out loud. This brought her mother back on solid concrete ground.

She had to let him leave before he would be late. They had to gather in the town's square at 9:30

AM. She smiled, knowing this was inevitable.

Another nod of acknowledgement and he departed but not before going into the living room,

greeting his dad and giving him, too, a brief hug. Everyone knew. Everyone knew that whatever

was coming would be for the good of them. He knew it, too. That's why, when it happened, he

stood there among the ruins motionless and scared. He had never expected anything to go wrong.

None of them did. But no one took it as hard as he did.

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Once out, once gathered, everyone started their long trek up onto the hill to the south of their

town. It was not steep but they were still climbing nonetheless. However, upon reaching the

bottom of the hill, the female guide, Teressa Smith started making an announcement.

"We all know what we're here to do, am I right?", she stared at everyone, looking from face to

face, some nodded, while the others just looked at her questioningly. She took that as her cue to

continue her announcement, "There will be two groups: a male and female one. The boys will be

going uphill first with Mr. Leone McKinley,” she said turning to look at the male guide. "While

the girls will be moving slower and will be coming with me. We're on the same path but we have

different assignments,", she took a deep breath and looked down at the ground, almost as if she

wanted to reassure herself everything is going to be alright. Thing about Teressa is, she usually

hates being the one to speak in front of a crowd, however even her job required her to do so, so

she just put up with it.

"The boys will be marching forward and are supposed to be the first ones to arrive at the inn. Of

course they can't start the festivities without us,” she said looking in the general area of some

girls and winking knowingly. "But their job is to pry off anything heavy that might have

collapsed on the train tracks, while ours is to make sure they properly do their job,", she almost

laughed as she said that last part, "Better said, to make sure that they didn't miss anything that

could endanger the lives of future passengers,", and with that she ended her speech, looking from

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face to face trying to understand what was going on through their heads. Seeing no other puzzled

face, she gazed at Leone McKinley as if to push him forward.

The tall, well-built man nodded and started marching forward, slowly being followed by others.

He coughed as he remembered something, "Oh and kids,” he eyed everyone especially the ones

who wore a puzzled look on their face; "Boley here is the messenger somehow. His role in all of

this, if you didn't know, is to be the middle man. He's going to be between the two groups, trying

to keep the same distance from each and moving from one to the other in case there is anything

worth mentioning and announcing he is the one to do it. So don't be scared to rely on him or even

us, we are here to guide but not always to help,", and with a grin he ended, planting his foot

forward expecting every boy to follow him... and they did.

And so they marched, the boys onward, the girls behind and Boley always strolling through the

middle, in between them. They picked up leaves, rubbed off any mud that was on the train tracks

and moved forward. The warm air on that day reminded each and every one of the lazy summer

afternoons spent at the pool or just around the house. Every now and again, someone would stop

to wipe off their sweat on the sleeve of their blouse or even on their jeans. There were

complaints of the heat, but no one seemed to mind it that much, their main focus of course being

cleaning the railroad tracks.

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It wasn't a big hill, it was not a big climb, so once they knew that their job was halfway done,

their pace quickened and everyone followed. The girls who were used to moving slowly along

the tracks were now being marched ahead. Everyone knew why. The sun would be setting soon

if they did not quicken their pace. It wasn't that big of a job if you think about it, not much

needed to be done and most of the time people just stuck close to their friends and chatted away

as they tramped uphill.

The atmosphere was filled with cheer, everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and even the

guides, whose duty made them seem rather distant and cold, had quite a few laughs along the

way. In the middle of all that stood David enjoying the summer air, probably the last day that

seemed like summer now that he thought about it. The sun's rays were beginning to diminish as

they knew they were approaching their target.

David smiled to himself as he knew that soon enough he would be in a comfy inn, celebrating

their event or their coming of age ritual. The thought that this would be known as a coming of

age ritual boggled his mind. He didn't quite understand how this was supposed to turn your life

into something better, they were just on a trip, doing nothing almost. Sure enough, the

atmosphere was friendly and their responsibility was still there, but there was no pressure. There

wasn't much to do, just sort of keep moving.

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He sighed. This earned him a slap on the shoulder from Leone as the man stared down at him

questioningly. David looked up to meet his gaze, one of worry and concern. He did not quite

understand how Leone had ended up in this place. He knew that he was looking for a brighter

future but how did his road intertwine with this. They kept strolling in quiet, until David spoke

up, "How did you end up here, Mr. McKinley?” the name sounded so formal it almost shocked

the poor man.

"Oh please, Leone for you David,” his smile just as gentle as his face, he continued, "There are

some things in life that don't need explanations. I believe this to be one. I ended up here because

I ended up here. Could have been faith or something else entirely... no one really knows."

David scoffed; unsatisfied with the answer he received. "Faith? As if there is such a thing as

faith,” he looked at the ground, a tad annoyed at the man. "Oh yes, I don't exactly believe in faith

either, I believe your future is yours to carve,” his next answer surprised him and made him look

back to the man. Raising one his eyebrows slightly, he tried to urge him to continue.

"But there are some things in life that you cannot control. You just have to accept them as they

are and move past them, let go, or even learn from them,", his advice almost seemed to fall on

deaf ears as David just shrugged his shoulders, almost anticipating another inspirational story of

encouragement, like the ones his dad used to tell him all the time, and moved ahead of the man,

leaving him behind. Leone just smiled at this and continued upward. He knew exactly what it

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was like being young and reckless, not caring about a single thing in the world. Oh, he knew that

quite well.

Their seemingly endless journey came to a stop as they reached the top of the hill and could see

from the distance the inn that they were supposed to spend the night in. It had three floors and

seemed large enough to hold in the entire town. It was painted red on the outside and even had a

small garden where a set of swings were placed, each a different colour than the other. It seemed

so inviting to the tired participants. Their job was over; they now only had to relax. Their job that

they feared would be difficult ever since they were little was over. It all seemed to end abruptly

however...

Suddenly, he had a bad feeling about this. David put his hand over his stomach as he tried to

shoo away any reason he could come up with for this unusual gut-wrenching feeling inside the

pit of his self. Everything was going to be okay. He knew that. Everyone knew that. Why

wouldn't everything be okay?

He smiled despite himself and looked around to see the girls almost catching up to them. With a

slight shove from one of his friends, David was pushed forward towards the inn. Once inside, he

marvelled at how spacious it all seemed. Somehow too good to be true. He knew that feeling, in

fact, as he turned around to stare back at the entrance; he had it again just as he saw her, the

petite female that walked up to him with a simple smile plastered on her face.

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"Too good to be true,” he repeated to himself as the small girl wrapped her arms around his waist

pulling him into a hug. She didn't even hear him mumbling that one sentence, she was just so

happy to be over and done with this tedious task. Her backpack made it almost impossible for

him to circle his hands around her waist and he started questioning how exactly she did that to

him without it proving to be difficult.

"We did it, now we can party and go back down and claim to be adults and march into the world

like we know what's going on. Even though we don't, really, but everyone said that after this, we

will know. I wonder if that's true...", she trailed off, her eyes roaming the building as she eyed

different objects around the hallway from the strange sculptures to the small tables and even the

colourful paintings hung on various walls. This earned her a chuckle out of David as he

continued, matter-of-factly, "This trip was just so we can admire everything our ancestors built

and did, everything this ritual stands for and just be in touch with nature and even friends we

barely talk to since we will be heading off in different directions in life, but it won't help us

become adults. Nothing will. Only experience and hard work can tell you what kind of adult

you'll become,” he almost glared down at her. He didn't know why but this entire trip seemed a

waste of time to him and it bothered him to no end.

Sensing his bad mood, the girl stepped away. She had seen him be grumpy before and she knew

that the best way to handle the situation was just to smile, apologise and leave him alone for a

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while. And that is exactly what she did as she gave him a peck on the cheek, promised to meet up

with him after she changes from her sweaty clothes to the spare ones she took with her and find

out where she would be sleeping. He nodded as he knew that he should be doing that as well.

He didn't worry as he trudged up the stairs. He didn't worry when he came into the boys' side of

the house. He didn't worry when he stepped into the hallway. He started worrying only when he

saw that the only door slightly open was the one at the end of the hallway. Each and every other

door was locked or just shut. He knew he should be looking through them to pick one but that

slightly open door was stirring something inside of him. Before he knew it, he had stepped

forward, towards it. Almost as if something or someone inside was calling out to him.

Upon reaching the door, something inside of him screamed and yelled at him to stop but it was

already too late, he had pushed it open and what he saw, what he saw inside was a broken man.

A broken man holding a revolver to his head. He did not recognise this broken man but he knew

who he was. In front of him, standing on the bed, smiling his gentle smile... was Leone

McKinley. The man who was trusted. The man who had been respected by almost everyone. And

he, he was holding a gun to his head.

At first he was struck by panic, such thoughts as: "What should I do, what is happening?” came

to him, and then he tried to understand. "Maybe this isn't what it seems,” his thoughts kept racing

until the silence was broken and his thoughts came to a halt.

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"Do you know the meaning of life?” he asked.

"Do you know what it is like going through life almost as if nothing matters? Because nothing

does...You just keep going hoping some day you actually find out,” the African American

explained, keeping the gun to his head still. "But what if the days grow longer and you grow

wearier and all you really want to do is have it all end. Nothing soothes your mind anymore;

things that used to please you before now make you rot inside..."

"So I ask again: Do you know the meaning of life?” the man stared at the frightened boy

standing in front of him. Sweat dripped on his forehead, a sign of panic, anxiety. He knew what

he was doing. He knew that this would scar the poor boy for life and maybe it would be carried

even to his grave. But he couldn't help it. He was the one to step in. He had wished it would be

someone else but it wasn't. He was there and he would have to carry his thoughts for now.

"What if you lose everything you've ever fought for? What happens then? Man is built for

change, but how can you overcome that? What exactly does it mean to live? What exactly is

love? Why are we here and who are we exactly?” he hesitated and seemed to hover the gun from

the side of his head as he spoke. David just stood there, motionless, almost crippled. It was

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happening, his world was crashing down. The man's words reaching out to something

unbeknownst even to himself. Something deeper.

The man smiled as his hesitation from before passed, "There are some things in life that don't

need explanation. I believe this to be one,", and with a smile, he pulled the trigger. The loud

noise that followed, the blood that gushed out the side where he held the gun, the mortified face

of David as he fell to his knees screaming, the people rushing up the stairs and into the room.

Everything came crashing down. And the one under all of those remains was David himself.

Panic. Fear. Death. Death. Death. Death. Fear. Rush. Hatred. Loss.

"No,” he said in an almost whisper as someone pulled him up and seemed to drag him out of the

room. "No,” he regained back his senses and his senses were telling him to stop. He planted his

feet on the ground refusing to be dragged any more than was necessary. "This can't be

happening,” he rushed back into the room only to be met with what he had seen. The corpse of a

broken man. When had this happened? How long ago was it? Did he plan it all? Was he thinking

about it as he was marching with them? Joking? Smiling? What was real? What wasn't?

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All he could do then was just kneel down beside the body as people kept screaming, some out of

fear and the others just screaming out of anger. Anger. He wasn't supposed to be there. Why?

When? How?

He thought he knew this man. He thought he was a really precious person. He had thought him a

friend and only to see a stranger in his death. Only to realise that there was more to someone than

what meets the eye. Every belief he had ever had come crashing down. He was right. He was

right when he said those things. He did not know the answer. What exactly was the meaning of

life? He didn't know it himself and yet he was standing there.

Was his gesture one of profound courage to rise up and riot against society and claims that other

made? Was it in fact of cowardice as he refused to be the person he was proclaimed to be? What

was it? What exactly happened?

Questions and questions kept rising up inside his mind. His once full shut down mind had now

come back to life. His motionless body had now sprung back to life. He needed to find out, he

needed to know. What was to be done? What was to be said? What were the answers? He felt

someone trying to pull him up and he slapped their hand away. He stood up on his own and left

the room, ignoring the cries and screams of others. He needed to get away from all of this.

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But in his way came a short petite girl. Her oval face betrayed signs of worry and concern. He

knew what she was thinking; he knew that she was worried. But he couldn't help but push her

away as she reached out to hug him. He strode away, determination firing him up, without

another look back because he knew, he knew as soon as he did so, he would cave in to the look

of hurt that was so obviously plastered on the girl's face. No, he could not cave in. No, he needed

to get out of there.

So he got out of the building and with nowhere in mind to go, knowing that the trek back home

would most likely be as long and tedious as the one up here, he settled into going around the inn

a few times. Walking in circles as his mind tried to make sense of all that had happened just

moments ago. He could hear one of the guides every now and again, probably trying to explain

and trying to maintain everyone calm. He also caught a glimpse of Boley running out of the inn

and heading towards town. He knew he had to get the word out.

David sighed. After the seventh time circling the inn, he settled down on one of the swings

outside. His mind too clouded to even notice someone approaching him and setting down on the

swing next to him. Why did all of that happen? How could it happen actually? A hand reached

out to touch his shoulders and he was instantly brought back to reality at the sudden motion. He

looked to his right and saw the beautiful face of his long-time girlfriend. A small pinch of

happiness settled inside his heart and he felt himself smiling even just for a moment but it was all

over too soon.

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What was happiness? Why were some people and some not? How could you be happy when

someone else wasn't? What drastic life changing event took place in McKinley's life that he took

his own life because he could not bear to live with it? Or rather, maybe even, what did not take

place? Just what exactly made him pull the trigger?

Those thoughts made him distance himself from the girl reaching out to him right then and there

and with only one sentence he pushed her away, he pushed her away from the depths of his heart.

"I need some time alone,", he seemed unsure of what to think or say but when he saw her

nodding and moving away he felt something rip inside of him. "But you should know that if you

ever need me, I'm always here;” her reassuring voice stirred the anger inside of him.

How could she always be there? Was there someone who was always there for Leone? If there

was why did he do that? What if there wasn't? What if that was why he did that? No. He already

knew her answer. She would only be there for a while and then she would leave. She would carry

on with her life just as he knew she would and was going to. Her blatant lie had struck him deep.

He refused to even look up at her as she walked away. No, for now he was alone and that was

what he needed. But his questions, seemingly unanswered, still bothered him and he knew it

would be a long time before he could manage an answer to any of them. For now, he just tried to

keep his mind off of everything and busy himself with something... like untying his shoelaces

only to tie them again.

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Yeah, he would find something to do. He knew he would.

And he did. As soon as everyone in town received the grim news most parents came back for

their own children. They said that life is just like that, full of surprises. And in a way, some of

them even took this as a sign of growing up. The kids that once walked carelessly through the

grass on top of the hill now knew the consequences of their actions, the meaning of death.

Something like that should not be known until much later in life but it could not have been

undone. So in a way, the event was still a success as everyone had learned a valuable lesson

about life in a way or two and they grew up, whether they meant to do so from the start or not.

The only one who was still torn apart by the event even weeks afterwards was David who had

started university with a smile on his face only to be replaced by a constant frown. It was all

pretence, it was all a lie. He knew as well as everyone who saw through him, he could not be

happy, not now at least. He busied himself on every occasion when he felt his thoughts were

getting louder. He wanted to leave his mind, take a vacation but he knew that could not happen.

He would pick up any book just to read and immerse himself into something else than his own

mind. His parents knew. They offered him help but he refused them every single time. How

could this happen? He did not know. He knew he had to do something but what that something

was he did not know.

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People say time heals everything however he knew, he knew he could not be repaired. He was

gone beyond that and all he ever thought about when he was alone was why he should keep on

living, if life was worth it or not because he had forgotten how to live in the process of figuring it

all out. No, he felt trapped inside a body, he felt trapped inside this cage. Bound to nothing but

his own fear.

And it carried on and on and on and on... until that very night when he decided to end it all. He

would wait until the dark when his parents were asleep, slip out of the house and go to the nearby

river where he would jump in only to drown since he had never learned how to swim. He thought

about the struggle he would have to bear and the moments he would have to wait until he would

lose consciousness but he had been through enough pain already and he knew he could stand just

a bit more.

He brought nothing with him, he did not change; he just walked. As soon as he got out of the

house, he felt like running all the way there but instead, he walked slowly, quietly. In the middle

of the night, he was the only one there. On the empty street where night lanterns brightened up

the street corners, the paved sidewalks were his only comfort. The sound of his own shoes

scrapping off the ground was just as good as any melody.

He could go back, he knew that. He could just go back home and live his life just as he had done

so before. He could be normal and average; he could be... an empty shell of what he used to be.

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He shook the thought off as determination glinted in his eyes. He knew he had decided weeks

ago, maybe he had decided it when he first started pushing everyone away, refusing any kind of

help. He was alone just as everyone else was. He would always be alone.

That thought carried him forward, moved him and soon enough he approached a small bridge

built over the river. The bridge was made out of stone and cement and it paved the way out of

town, to the east exit. Setting his hand down on the hand rail, he looked down. The water seemed

deep enough. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off the ground and leaped over the rail to

the other side. Now the only thing stopping him was the sound of his thoughts and the sound of

someone approaching him.

"Someone approaching?", his mind was derailed and he was caught up in between jumping right

then and there before he had a chance to be stopped or jumping back on the other side of the rail,

pretending he was alright and waiting until the stranger was gone, but no, no... He was stuck

there, motionless, just as he had been that one day in September. He could not do anything but

wait until the said stranger was close enough to be seen. But said stranger was someone he

knew.

The soft pants she made as she clutched onto her chest, he knew those all too well from all the

time he had played tag with her. Her lovely clothes all shrivelled up; sweat dripping off the side

of her face. He knew that face all too well. He gasped loudly enough to be heard, fear struck him

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and he was about to jump before he gave her any chance of saying anything... but it was already

too late. "Why?” was her first word. She inhaled deeply as she tried to come up with another

more decent sentence or question. But he answered before she could.

"What do you mean why? Why am I doing this? Why do you think?” his voice trailed with anger

and bitterness of all the times he was left alone. Why was she here right now, right then and

there? She was supposed to be studying abroad right now, how could she be here?

"You can't just let one moment instil this...” her eyes searched for even one moment of

hesitation, she tried to look for any sign of him hesitating before deciding to throw away his

future like that, "This fear. This fear of living and being alive. You just can't do that!"

"Why are you here?” his voice, as cold as ice, hurt her. His once gentle tone had turned so

distant, so icy cold, she could hardly believe it was him that was talking and not someone that

just looked like him.

"You know you can't swim, you know that, right?"

"Why are you here?"

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"My brother is getting married this weekend, you knew that. I've told you about this. You're even

invited to the wedding. Did you not get the invitation?” he did not expect that. Now that she

mentioned it, he remembered tossing away the small silly invitation thinking that it was futile,

that no love can survive time, that people would never really know each other at all. He thought

of all the ways it could go wrong: that they would get divorced a few years in, that she would get

pregnant just for him to stay with her, that he would have an affair, his thoughts trailed on and

on. But he knew it; he could never know a person fully just as no one knew him.

Yet here he was and he already felt like he could not turn back and he knew that no matter how

much she would prolong the moment, make him feel like life was worth it or that things would

change, he could not turn back from his decision. It was all about the right moment now. And

still, he kept thinking: how could he forget? How could he forget about the wedding and her

being here for her brother's wedding? Why did he pick today out of every other day? Did he do it

unconsciously or was it just an accident? Was this fate laughing at him?

Seeing him stand still, not knowing what to say, she tried to reach out to him. She took slow

steps towards him until he noticed her movements. He shook his head and glared at her so as to

stop her from moving any more than necessary. He would not let her stop him, he would not let

her change his mind yet he couldn't help but be pulled into the conversation. "I guess it's true that

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most people want to leave something behind for someone else to carry when they do this...” he

whispered to himself, "Just as Leone did to me."

And with that, he snapped from his thoughts and raised the tone of his voice, "People are never

what they seem. You can go a whole life living with them, living with just one of them and never

fully know them. And how, I ask you, how can you trust someone in this world? What is the

meaning of life? What is the meaning of happiness? How can you be happy with all that is going

on right now? When you know someone out there is suffering right now? When you feel like

everything you do will account to nothing? When you know it could all come crashing down any

single moment? What is the point of it all?” he stopped, looked down at the water and then,

looked back at her.

"I'm sorry.", and with that, he jumped.

He struggled at first as he gulped down some of the water that threatened to enter his lungs any

seconds. He waved his hands frantically trying to keep his head above the water but soon

enough, he gave up. He let himself be taken in by the water and he started to sink. That's when it

happened.

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He felt himself being pulled up before he could lose consciousness. A pair of small arms

encircled his waist trying to hoist him up above the water. He coughed, spitting out some water,

he coughed again trying to breathe in. He was so dazed and confused that he almost remained

motionless again as he was being moved along slowly towards the shore. Once near enough so

that he can stand, the girl stood up and dragged him even just a bit towards the dried up sand.

David coughed a bit more, trying to get rid of any unwanted water from his lungs. He felt the

petite girl move towards him as she straddled his lap and upon opening his eyes, he saw her

watching him. And he was about to open his mouth when she slapped him hard right across the

face. The water that had moistened his face before now had made the slap sting even worse. He

reached his hand out to touch the reddened cheek yet right as he was about to, she did it again.

Now both of his cheeks stung with pain and made him, in his mind at least, look like a tomato.

He almost glared up at her questioning her actions when he saw the tears dripping down her face.

He stopped himself as he felt his heart, which he had considered to be long dead by then, break

into a million pieces. The pain he sensed right then and there was worse than the slaps he had

received. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her close enough so she could

cry on his shoulder and with her mouth right next to his ear... she whispered, "You can't ever

know someone fully, I know that, but you can know their heart, their soul, their being and

treasure that. Because that won't ever change, they might develop weird tastes in music later in

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life or even start leaving the toilet seat up when you tell them time and time again not to, but the

person you met and knew from before is still there. Their genuine traits are still there."

Her sobbing ceased as she pushed away from his touch and sitting on him still, she trailed off,

"You can't ever know. You never will. But all you really can do is trust and hope", her eyes, pink

by now from crying, lightened up even just slightly as she spoke. And he knew. He knew then

that she was right... because while she dragging him to the shore, while she was crying, all he

could keep thinking about was her own happiness and a fear, which he had never known before,

instilled itself in his heart. A fear of seeing her cry again, fear of seeing her sad and not being

able to do anything about it.

And in her place, he cried for the rest of the night as she held him. Emotions that had built up

from way before were now being set loose. And she held onto him, and he held onto her. And in

those small moments he realised that he didn't need to know the meaning of life or become a

scientist, he didn't need to make a life changing discovery or have his name etched in history, he

didn't need to be anyone or anything, he just needed to be him.

Happiness wasn't what people assumed it to be. It didn't consist in having a statue of yourself or

writing stories about adventures that everyone would have wanted to have, it was simply the rise

and fall of emotions, of activities. It was the death of some relationships and the rebirth of others.

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It was the constant change in life that propelled you forward because without change and

constantly adapting to it, why, wouldn't it all just be boring?

So life in itself was what you made it out to be. If you kept searching for reasons and

explanations, you might just be losing everything that was in front of you: happiness and love.

He knew then that if there were some things in life that did not need explaining, life... life was

one of them.

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the railroad to life and understanding

Documents

small community

community of nash

small town south

railroad tracks uphill

young man

young adults

train uphill

david willster