Michael Gurian is a family therapist,

educator, consultant, and the New York Times best-

selling author of twenty-fi ve books, including The

Minds of Boys, Leadership and the Sexes, The Wonder

of Girls, Boys and Girls Learn Differently!, and The

Wonder of Boys. Cofounder of the Gurian Institute,

he has spearheaded an international effort to provide

families, communities, and corporations with an

understanding of brain-based gender issues.

U.S. $26.95 Canada $31.95

PSYCHOLOGY/PARENTING

Cover design by Jeff Puda

Cover Photos (center) © GettyImages/Stockbyte (top and bottom) © Veer/PhotoAlto

www.josseybass.com

HELPING OUR SONS FIND MEANING,

SIGNIFICANCE, AND DIRECTION IN THEIR LIVES

MICHAEL GUR IAN

PURPOSEof boys

The

From Michael Gurian, the ground-

breaking author of the best-selling

books The Wonder of Boys and The Minds

of Boys, comes the fi nal volume in his

defi nitive trilogy on boys.

In this remarkable work, Gurian presents a tool kit

for parents who want to discover how to inspire the

ultimate fulfi llment of their son’s life. As he explains,

purpose is vital for the success and happiness of

every boy. Throughout the book, Gurian shows how

parents can help boys build motivation, character,

selfl essness, meaningful and intimate relationships,

a sense of responsibility to family and community,

pride in their own good work, and mental and phys-

ical health.

Based on the latest scientifi c research regarding how

boys develop neurologically, The Purpose of Boys

reveals what it takes to best support boys and address

their unique needs, weaknesses, and strengths. The

book offers an understanding of what is happening

inside a boy’s brain as he grows up, from birth through

early adulthood. The author also explores the roles of

the nuclear and extended family, communities, and

neighborhoods; the best schools for boys; and specifi c

rite-of-passage experiences and how they infl uence a

young man’s personal growth.

The Purpose of Boys outlines a map parents can use to

help their own sons wrestle with everyday life events

and growth. And the book serves as a model to help

all of our sons seek a successful future while still boys,

adolescents, and young men.

PURPOSEof boys

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The P U R P O S E of BOYSPRAISE FOR

“Michael Gurian is America’s most passionate advocate for boys. In The Purpose of Boys, Gurian cre-ates a rich reading experience and a clear recipe for helping boys to fi nd purpose in their lives.”

—Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author, It’s a Boy!, and coauthor, Raising Cain

“The Purpose of Boys offers insightful solutions to the problems of so many millennial boys who are failing to launch into productive adulthood.”

—Judith Kleinfeld, Ph.D., director of the Boys Project and professor of psychology,

University of Alaska

“There is no one who understands the development of boys better than Michael Gurian. In this insightful new book, Gurian offers useful advice about how to help boys succeed in the key chal-lenge of today’s world, fi nding purpose in life.”

—William Damon, Ph.D., professor of education, Stanford University, and author,

The Path to Purpose and The Moral Child

“The Purpose of Boys provides a clear, research-based view on the signifi cance of fully committing ourselves to the important task of raising our sons. It gives us a useful, applicable set of tools and strategies to do so.”

—Harold S. Koplewicz, M.D., founder and director, NYU Child Study Center

“The Purpose of Boys is a wake-up call for parents, teachers, counselors, and mentors. This book assembles invaluable insights and resources, especially mentoring resources that will assist in the transition of boys to men and eventually help propel them into a purpose-driven life.”

—Robert Haley, former president, 100 Black Men of Atlanta

“Upon reading Michael Gurian’s new book, The Purpose of Boys, I asked my eight-year-old son, Evan, what he anticipated about the future. He said, ‘Being awesome.’ I then asked him what he most feared about the future. He said, ‘Not being awesome.’ This book changed the way I think about my son and his future, and even more important, how he thinks about his future. This is a great book.”

—Tracey J. Shors, Ph.D., department of psychology and neuroscience, Rutgers University

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The Purpose of Boys

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previous books by michael gurian

parentingNurture the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s

Unique Core PersonalityThe Wonder of Children

(previously published as The Soul of the Child )The Wonder of GirlsThe Wonder of BoysA Fine Young Man

The Good SonWhat Stories Does My Son Need?

(with Terry Trueman)

psychologyWhat Could He Be Thinking?

Love’s JourneyMothers, Sons and LoversThe Prince and the King

educationThe Minds of Boys (with Kathy Stevens)

Boys and Girls Learn Differently!: A Guide for Teachers and Parents (with Patricia Henley and Terry Trueman)

The Boys and Girls Learn Differently Action Guide for Teachers (with Arlette C. Ballew)

Strategies for Teaching Boys and Girls—Elementary Level: A Workbook for Educators

Strategies for Teaching Boys and Girls—Secondary Level: A Workbook for Educators Successful Single Sex Classrooms: A Practical Guide for Teaching Boys and Girls Differently

(with Kathy Stevens and Peggy Daniels)

business-corporateLeadership and the Sexes: Using Gender Science to Create Success in Business

(with Barbara Annis) The Leading Partners Workbook (with Katherine Coles and Kathy Stevens)

for young adultsUnderstanding GuysFrom Boys to Men

fiction and poetryThe Miracle

An American MysticThe Odyssey of Telemachus

EmptyingAs the Swans Gather

by the gurian instituteIt’s a Baby Boy! (with Adrian Goldberg and Stacie Bering)It’s a Baby Girl! (with Adrian Goldberg and Stacie Bering)

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The Purpose of Boys

Michael Gurian

H E L P I N G O U R S O N S F I N D M E A N I N G ,

S I G N I F I C A N C E , A N D D I R E C T I O N

I N T H E I R L I V E S

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Copyright © 2009 by Michael Gurian. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-BassA Wiley Imprint989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or trans-mitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, record-ing, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the pub-lisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Readers should be aware that some of the anecdotes in this book, including some gathered from media reports, are composites of two or more comments or stories that needed to be shortened for narrative fl ow. In no cases have meanings been changed, and none involved statistics. In some cases, names have been changed.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi -cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular pur-pose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the pub-lisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commercial dam-ages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002.

Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gurian, Michael. The purpose of boys : helping our sons fi nd meaning, signifi cance, and direction in their lives / Michael Gurian. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-24337-4 (cloth) 1. Boys—United States. 2. Parent and child—United States. 3. Achievement motivation in boys—United States. I. Title. HQ775.G823 2009 155.43'20973—dc22 2008045993

Printed in the United States of AmericaFIRST EDITION

HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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contents

acknowledgments ix

introduction: what do you want to be, son? 1

Competing Purposes 3What Is the Purpose of Boys? 4We Who Care for Boys and Men 9

p a r t o n eunderstanding the purpose of boys

1 1

1 the loss of purpose in american boyhood 13

Why Parents Want to Provide Purpose for Boys 15Moving Forward with New Vision 22

2 how little boys develop their sense of purpose 25

The Empathy of Boys 26Brain Differences Between Boys and Girls 30How Boys and Girls Need Purpose Differently 33Your Little Boy’s Need to Save the World 36Asking the Deep Questions of Boys 42

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vi Contents

3 How Adolescent Boys Seek Their Purpose in Life 43

The Young Seeker Among the Primitive and the Civilized 45How Adolescent Boys and Girls Seek and Develop

Purpose Differently 48What Motivates Different Boys 57Helping Our Sons Seek Respect in Adolescence 59Moving Forward with a Map in Hand 62

4 Son, You Are My Hero 63

The Heroic Son 64The Story of Joseph 66The Story Ends, for Now 86

p a r t t w oHelping Our Sons Find Their Purpose in Life

89

5 Creating Families of Purpose for Boys 91

Creating a Three-Family System: The Parent-Led Team 92The Development of a Boy’s Sense of Destiny

in the Family System 96The Ten Values Tool 97The Value of Teaching Sexual Purpose 109Helping Our Sons Find Purposeful Work 115Helping Boys Find Purpose in Their Media Use 121A Boy’s Search for Freedom 128

6 Creating Communities of Purpose for Boys 130

The Loss of Communities of Purpose for Boys 131What the Community Can Do for Our Sons 134Forming Purposeful Communities for African American Boys 141Changing Helping Professions to Focus on Boys’ Needs 151Enjoying Communities of Purpose with Boys 153

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Contents vii

7 Changing Schools Toward Relevance and Purpose for Boys 155

How Boys Are Struggling for Purpose in School 156Fixing the Mismatch Between Schools and the

Purpose of Boys 158Investing in Schools of Purpose 178

8 Creating and Providing Rites of Passage for Your Son 179

Guiding a Son Through Male Adolescence 180Developing Your Own Rite-of-Passage Programs 184The “Here I Am” Rite-of-Passage Program 189The Power of Purposeful Men 205

epilogue: coming together to advocate for boys 207

notes and resources 21 1

bibliography 225

appendix: rite-of-passage programs 229

the gurian institute 235

the author 237

index 239

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For:

Gail, Gabrielle, and Davita, my fi rst family

Kathy Stevens, Alan Rinzler, and everyone in my second family

All the boys, parents, teachers, and others who make up an ever - expanding third family for all the sons of our world

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a cknowledgments

This book grows from the inspiration and work of many people, both professional and personal. Alan Rinzler, my editor, has joined me for almost two decades in writing efforts that seek to help families and our culture understand our children. He is an editor and also a friend, and I thank him for his devotion to this work.

At Jossey - Bass and John Wiley, Alan is surrounded by a wonder-ful group of publishers and staff. Many thanks to Debra Hunter, Paul Foster, Jennifer Wenzel, Carol Hartland, Nana K. Twumasi, Andrea Flint, Donna Cohn, and all of you who care so much about families and the cultural changes we are all involved in.

A big thank - you also to Candice Fuhrman, my advocate and agent, who has shepherded this and so many other worthy projects through the publishing process.

Many thanks also to Kathy Stevens, Kelley King, Don Stevens, Daniel Amen, MD, Fran Spielhagen, PhD, Judith Kleinfeld, PhD, Tom Mortenson, PhD, the board of the Boys Project, Lori Ames, Robert Haley, the 100 Black Men Organization of Atlanta, and so many other professionals who care about the purpose of boys.

My deep thanks to the moms, dads, grandparents, and other fam-ily members who have shared their wisdom and stories, both through my family therapy practice and through public dialogues.

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My thanks also to my brother Phil, whose Web and research tal-ents provide magic from the Internet. He can locate things I couldn ’ t even dream of fi nding!

My thanks to the Gurian Institute ’ s certifi ed trainers and associ-ates, who have shared their stories with me so that I could share them with you. Our training institute ( www.gurianinstitute.com ) has had the honor of working in thousands of schools and communities in the United States and abroad because individuals, professionals, and car-ing institutions have helped us to do so.

This book is the result of twenty - fi ve years of research, both schol-arly and wisdom - of - practice, and of listening to what others are doing and thinking about boys. Our sons ’ lives today represent one of the largest cultural shifts in human history. My thanks to all of you who, through your generous actions, care for the purpose of boys.

x Acknowledgments

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Purpose: aim, intention, determination; by design; to put before oneself something to be done or accomplished

— American College Dictionary

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The Purpose of Boys

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