the pulse 11.52 » december 25, 2014

The PulseCHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE DECEMBER 25, 2014

screen

film fearno interview

arts

dark artpaint to vinyl

music

swoonart meets rock

Alex Teach Christmas

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2 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chaTTanoogaPulse.com

chaTTanoogaPulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 3

THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer media and is distributed throughout the city of chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. no person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. contents copyright © 2014 by Brewer media. all rights reserved.

Features4 beGINNINGS: Texas senator gives Americans a big gift…accidentally.

12 mUSIc cALeNDAr

14 reVIeWS: Secret Commonwealth has it all, Alex Volz is awesome.

15 NeW yeArS eVe GUIDe

19 DIVerSIONS

12 ArTS cALeNDAr

24 SPIrITS: Our man on the barstool has a tribute to Kentucky bourbon.

26 ScreeN: “The Interview” is another example of American naiveté.

28 Free WILL ASTrOLOGy

29 JONeSIN’ crOSSWOrD

30 AIrbAG: Our car guy steers you in the right direction for 2015.

The PulseCHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIALmanaging editor gary Poole

contributing editor Janis hashe

Staff Writermadeline chambliss

contributorsDavid Traver adolphus

Rob Brezsny • John DeVoremike Dobbs • matt Jones

marc T. michael • Tony mrazernie Paik • gary Poole

Rick Pimental-habibTerry stulce • alex Teach

cartoonists & IllustratorsRick Baldwin • max cannon

Jen sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Founded 2003 by Zachary cooper & Michael Kull

ADVERTISINGDirector of Sales mike Baskin

Account executives chee chee Brown • Julie Brown

angela lanham • Rick leavellchester sharp • stacey Tyler

CONTACT Offices

1305 carter st. chattanooga, Tn 37402

Phone423.265.9494

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Website chattanoogapulse.com

email [email protected]

BREWER MEDIA GROUPPublisher & President Jim Brewer II

December 25, 2014volume 11, issue 52

6 He Knows When You’re SleepingI could see steam coming out of my mouth in the air outside; it

must have been cold, but I didn’t care. I skipped through woods I’d never seen before, barely noticing the mud and pine needles

being cast up on my red felt pants.

10 Shoegazing Aural SyrupQuick—name your favorite bands formed by artists. Maybe

Talking Heads or Roxy Music come to mind, and on the local scene, your soon-to-be favorite just might be the new, up-and-

coming group Swoon—often stylized as S W O O N.

20 Dark Art From Paint to VinylAmy Mayfield’s art is not something you will ever see on the

cover of Southern Living. Punk rock’s big sister wouldn’t want her work to be doted upon by the masses, so don’t stare too long

at the picture we printed here.

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emAIL loVe leTTeRs, aDVIce & TRash TalK To [email protected]

Op-Ed: There Goes Santa CruzTexas senator gives Americans a big holiday gift…accidentally

These judges will be much more concerned with justice for average Americans instead of being lap dogs for rich corporations.”

“Merry Christmas, America. Christmas came early this year. We

got a new surgeon general who actu-ally cares about improving our health. We got a new director of immigration and customs enforcement who is His-panic. We got more than two dozen confirmations that are crucial to the functioning of our government—and the best part is that these leaders are not all old, white, heterosexual men. Women, African Americans, Hispan-ics, and LGBT folks are heavily rep-resented in this group.

And who was starring in the role of Santa Claus? None other than Sen. Ted Cruz. Like other mythical Christ-

mas conversion figures, his reputation was that he was a stingy man with a heart that was “two sizes too small.” However, unlike Scrooge and the Grinch, his Christmas largesse was not a product of seeing the light and changing his ways. His Christmas miracle was brought to fruition inadvertently.

The narrative began with Presi-dent Obama’s nomination of Dr. Vivek H. Murty as sur-geon general. His

nomination languished in the Senate, blocked by Republican obstructionists and a fierce lob-bying campaign by the NRA. They opposed Dr. Murty’s plans to improve America’s health-care system and his goal of making healthcare available to all Americans. They also opposed his view that the epidemic of gun violence in America is a public health issue, and that common-sense gun regulation could help keep guns out of the hands of criminals and homi-cidal maniacs.

For more than a year, his confirmation was blocked. Even during the Ebola “crisis,” when the necessity of having a surgeon general in place was a no-brainer, Republican obstruc-tionists refused to budge. Of course, this did not stop them from complaining about the ad-ministration’s response to Ebola, while gloss-ing over the fact that they had failed to confirm the surgeon general.

The next chapter of the Christmas miracle narrative begins with Santa Cruz’s seething

hatred of the president and his overwhelming impulse to re-cord his opposition to the new immigration policies. Cruz used a “point of order” to manipu-late getting a vote on the “con-stitutionality of funding” the president’s immigration policies. Unfortunately for him, schedul-ing this vote forced the Senate to stay in session Friday night and Saturday. That move gave Democrats time to clear all the procedural hurdles for the con-firmation of the nominations that had been blocked.

Cruz got his vote…and Demo-crats got a truckload of confirma-tions. Poor old Santa Cruz lost, 22 to 74, but Americans will en-joy this inadvertent gift for years to come. We now have a surgeon general who is not afraid to tack-le the immense problem of gun violence. We have a director at ICE with a Hispanic perspec-tive. We have 12 new federal judges who will add much-need-ed diversity to our judicial sys-tem. These judges will be much more concerned with justice for average Americans instead of be-ing lap dogs for rich corporations.

Thank you, Ted Cruz. Who says Santa doesn’t exist?

Even if he didn’t mean to.

Viewsterry stulce

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Even as the year comes to an end, there is still plenty of time to give back if you’ve been want-ing to, and haven’t found the time.

Chattanooga is home to many orga-nizations that provide shelter and food for those in need. Like the abundance of those agencies, there are several ways to give back to the community this holiday season.

If you’re not sure where to start, organizations like the Chattanooga

Room in the Inn, the Chattanooga Area Food Bank, Family Promise of

Greater Chattanooga, The Salvation Army, Partnership for Fami-lies, Chattanooga Community Kitchen, and the Ronald Mc-Donald House all have websites with

information on ways to donate and volunteer.

For monetary donations, many of these websites have blanks where you can enter your preferred donation

amount. Some, like the Chattanooga Area Food Bank and Family Promise, include information like, “$1 equals ten pounds of food,” or “$25 provides 100 meals.”

Monetary donations aren’t the only way you can help! Also available on the websites are “wish lists” with food, toiletries, clothing sizes, and household items that are currently needed.

Take a minute to give back to start 2015 off right, for every contribution, no matter big or small, goes a long way.

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EdiToonby Rick Baldwin

Ways To Make Every Holiday Bright

Our annual Christ-mas story is writ-ten, as always, by Alex

Teach, a California native and a 20- year veteran police officer. He’s a street cop who found a cathartic outlet for rampant cynicism in the form of writing. “I have a front-row seat to the most disturbing

show on earth,” says Teach. “Nightmares, like The Pulse, are free. Both should be shared with everyone.” His columns have attracted the attention of mayors and U.S. senators, though only when readers are attempting to have him fired. Officer Teach is also an avid bicyclist and pas-sionate recreational boater, whose likes include short walks, rum, and volunteering at the Boehm Birth Defects Center when he has the time.

Alex TeachAlbum reviewer and mu-sic writer Ernie Paik has written about

music and film for various publications for over 20 years and has contributed regularly to The Pulse since 2005. He has contributed to the books “The Magnetic Fields’ 69 Love Songs: A Field Guide”

and “Lunacy: The Best of the Cornell Lunatic”, and he is the current president of the Chattanooga-based nonprofit arts education organization The Shaking Ray Levi Society (one of our favorites). As a record-ing artist, he has created original music for film, radio, television and theater, and his video artwork has been shown at the Museum of Con-temporary Art Detroit and the 2010 Big Ears Festival.

Ernie Paik

— Madeline Chambliss

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I was fine now. I was cured. I am a miracle.I had excised the bad feelings from my own tummy, slit it open

and they poured right out and I fixed my own wounds and ev-erything with sticky silver tape. I had been wearing my brother’s clothing and it got messy, which made me sad because brother had gone to heaven and his were the only clothes I owned, but I had news ones now. Better ones. (I am a miracle, after all.) I left my problems in a wet red puddle. I smiled. No more

school, no more names, no more crying. I could even stop other people’s cries now.I could see steam coming out of my

mouth in the air outside; it must have been cold, but I didn’t care. I skipped through woods I’d never seen before, barely noticing

Alex Teach Christmas

An


the mud and pine needles being cast up on my red felt pants. I barely had feet now, so why should I care?

“This was my time,” I thought. There’d be time enough for cleaning up later, for soon I would be spir-ited back home on wings of magic. It was glorious.

It was dark but there was just enough moonlight to see quite clearly if you let your eyes adjust, but that wasn’t a problem for me either, was it? My eyes were plastic in a body animated by pure love. I was “fixed” now. I would even feel cold were it not for the red-and-white felt covering my body and the stuffing inside that was naturally impervious to such, but this is my gift! The world was welcome, its little boys and girls most of all. I could be flying right now...but it’s best to stay low. I am a sneaky Elf.

I skipped for I don’t know how long, until in the distance I could see the frame of a white house, its dark windows standing in contrast to the plastic siding sur-rounding it, practically inviting me in. Which I accepted, of course.

I glided past a metal swing set with the ease afforded to one who weighs almost nothing and danced around a Rubbermaid storage bin to get to the first window, where I peered in to seek my rightful place. The windows were frosty but I summoned hot breath from my cold body to melt enough from one pane so as to peer inside, and saw nothing but a commode across from a sink lit-tered with tiny toothbrushes, and a litter box on the floor between them. This would not do.

I glided around the side of the house, never needing to seek purchase, such was my lightness, until I came to another window. It wasn’t a bathroom, but it was much the same: It contained a bed and side table, but it was also filled with what were clearly unwrapped gifts on the floor and on a mattress, meaning this was a guest room that had been conscripted into being a package-

wrapping room, with which I had no quarrel. “This is my time,” I again thought.

But the next room? The next window looked over a kitchen sink and into the kitchen beyond, and that’s what felt right. My magic would work because these windows were so frequently opened they were rarely locked for the convenience of their masters. (Every good Elf knows this.)

Having no fingers, I pushed my red felt hands under the windowsill and began to lift. The window moved just as I suspected, and there wasn’t even a screen. The knick-knacks on the shelf were handled with care, pushed in and placed on the counters to either side, but never pulled out and discarded into the snow. (That was not our way.) And so after no inconsiderable damage to my outfit? I was in.

I am magic.I could not help but wonder tonight,

“Where would I go? What would I do?” But I never had to ask for very long. I am an Elf and this is our way.

I went through the kitchen and let my hands pass over their knick-knacks, little statues of baby Jesus and picture frames surrounding smiling faces on dusty shelves next to yellow furniture…a soda can left out begged me to touch the tip of the straw sticking out of it, so I did, taking care not to spill. I sat in a recliner and would have closed my eyes if they’d had lids, when I heard the sound of a cough from the bedroom. They were home!

I stood and eased into the bedroom where I watched them sleep, my pointy hat casting a shadow across their supine bodies in the blue filtered light of the moon, ob-serving the gentle rise and fall of their chests…the slight pulsing of the carotid arteries in their necks, and the occasional twitching of their noses. Their mouths hung open and I knelt down close, to feel their hot breath

“I could not help but wonder tonight, ‘Where would I go? What would I do?’ But I never had to ask for very long. I am an Elf and this is our way.”

>> P. 8

Another classic creepy Christmas tale, courtesy of Officer Alex


on my cheeks. It seemed so real! I almost giggled, and left the room.

I quietly padded around the kitch-en, looking for mischief, and I finally settled on a container of uncooked pasta noodles and a sack of flour on the counter next to the stove. I hopped up there and stretched out, and began pouring the flour on the length of my body, and followed suit with the pasta noodles. (I wanted to nibble on one, I confess, but I didn’t have a mouth anymore so I put the thought out of my mind.)

Everything had to be perfect for when they woke up, and I kept my cheeriest smile as I lay there, my head nearly on a stove eye (the counters not being that long in this home, kind of like my last home). I waited, stretched out on my side, my right hand propping up my head just behind my right ear. I moved only once to add more flour where the red from my tummy was making a stain in it on the counter. Everything had to be perfect.

And it was. It was perfect when the mommy woke up and saw me, saw the Elf on the Shelf in her kitchen where he had landed in the flour and the pasta noodles and she raised up her hands to both sides of her cheeks like that little boy in the Christmas movies we watched in our last home, her mouth a perfect

“O”, screaming and screaming and screaming, waking everyone up.

That wasn’t the way it was sup-posed to work!

She would wake the babies and then there would be no more sur-prise, no magic! So I slid off the shelf and picked up a bottle of wine on the counter, the same kind mommy liked in our hotels, and made her go to sleep with it (like mommy did, wine always made her sleepy) and she was quiet again, and flour was all over the air settling on everything like the dust on the shelves by the pictures and the baby Jesus statue and the chair I sat in. I reached down to touch her hair, to help her sleep, and it felt like silk, except wet. I tilted my head and stared. And I smiled.

Noise was coming from the next room again, and I had to get up on the shelf. I scooted (quick like a bunny) and hopped back up there, throwing what noodles I could back on me, my hand propping up my head again and that same smile crossing my face, my beautiful plas-tic face.

The daddy walked in next, mov-ing fast, his robe fluttering behind him. He looked over at me and was probably going to laugh because his mouth started to open wide when at the same time his feet slipped sideways in the wine that was pour-ing out of mommy (it made her so sleepy) and he crashed down on

his side. He tried to get up but he kept putting his hands in the

thick hot wine, and it was slippery so all he did was kind of splash around in it

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“My tummy was aching now, and the red felt was wet and there was wine all over my hand and my face and I worked so hard, so hard, and there weren’t even children here.”

like he was a kitty with tape on his feet. And I laughed.

He kept making noise though, so much noise. The children! He was going to wake up the children, so once again I slid off the shelf, ruin-ing my decorations, but not ruining them as much as he was.

I got down low and crawled over to him asking him to “Shhhush!” with my finger over my mouth, but he kept screaming and screaming, so I put my finger over his mouth, the red felt covering my hand, say-ing “Shhhh!” and still he persisted.

So I began putting my hand in his mouth while he screamed to make him quiet while telling him “Shhhhh!”, and he started to listen because he wasn’t screaming so much now but he was still making gurgling loud burps so I pushed my tiny hand further into his mouth, pushing and pushing to make it quiet while he slipped around in the wine, and he got quieter and quieter, and finally stopped moving.

“Shhhh!” I said to him, and he listened at last. I needed to check on the kids before I got back up on the shelf.

I walked back through the house, quiet like a mouse, and went to the bedroom where I saw presents being wrapped, and then to the last room in the house where

the children must be, waiting on their morning surprise…but it was empty.

I was sad.My tummy was aching now, and

the red felt was wet and there was wine all over my hand and my face and I worked so hard, so hard, and there weren’t even children here. I sat back down in the comfy chair and rocked for a while, and glanced out the window and saw a ring around the moon in the sky, and after a while? I smiled.

I went to the back door (because I was a sneaky Elf) and stepped out-side, locking the door behind me, leaving no trace like when Santa miracles me back to the North Pole, and I would have pulled air into my lungs if I had any and closed my eyes if they had lids…but I definite-ly had a smile, and I tilted my head back to show it to the moon.

I walked down the steps from the door and looked left, then right, looking for another house, this time one with children because that’s who loves me. Randomly, I went left. That one had a playground in the back.

I thought about the mischief I would create inside, and how the children would laugh and laugh, because I was their Elf on the Shelf.

I am a Christmas Miracle.


SAT12.27IN THE GROOVE

David Anthony & The Groove MachineWhen the backing band has groove in their name, you know it's time go out dancing.7 p.m.Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge511 Broad St.mochajazz.net

SUN12.28jAMMIN' IRISH

Sunday Night Irish Music Jam Sessionlooking for somthing a bit different? Head to the southside for a taste of the Old country (musically speaking).5 p.m.Grocery Bar1501 Long St.grocerybar.com

FRI12.26TRIBAL BLUES

Drew Sterchi and Blues TribeAwesome blues with a tip of the cap to that Austin, texas sound. A perfect way to end the christmas week.9 p.m.Rhythm & Brews221 Market St.rhythm-brews.com

Get Your Rock On New Year's EveIt's an end-of-the-year blowout at The Honest Pint

As the New year rapidly approach-es, the number-one question on a lot of people’s minds is, “What are we gonna do for New year’s eve?” the last bash of the year is invariably the biggest, and it would tragic to miss out on this final opportunity to cel-ebrate 2014. there are plenty of op-tions but one of the biggest and best in our fair town is the annual New year’s eve bash at the Honest Pint.

this year the Pint will be hosting three bands. First up are hometown favorites sharkweek, featured pre-viously in this publication; a great bunch of kids making fantastic mu-sic. sharkweek is followed by Nash-ville phenoms turbo Fruits. Already lauded as a regional act, turbo Fruits is on the cusp of becoming a full-

blown national (big time) band, so see them now while you can still get up close and personal.

the evening’s headlining act and stunning finish will be surfer Blood from West Palm Beach, Florida. surf-er Blood’s accolades are numerous. their debut single hit number 37 on Pitchfork’s 100 Best songs of 2009, and the band has made appearances on NPr, late Night with Jimmy Fal-lon and innumerable music festivals and tours throughout the world, in-cluding a sweet gig opening for the Pixies.

Advance tickets are $20, $25 at the door and VIP tables with champagne service are available for $150. Happy New year!

— Marc T. Michael

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Surfer Blood

To keep his mind sharp and his body able, we feed Jason a homemade mixture of chorizo, chopped-up pieces of VHS tape and Tecate.”

“

MusicerNIe PAIK

Shoegazing Aural Syrup At Sluggo’sLocal art-band Swoon stokes curiosity

QUICK—NAME yOUR FAVORITE BANDS FORMED By artists. Maybe Talking Heads or Roxy Music come to mind,

and on the local scene, your soon-to-be favorite just might be the new, up-and-coming group Swoon (swoonswoonswoon.com)—of-ten stylized as S W O O N.

Its music is turbulent, swirling and in-vigorating, drawing flavors from sourc-es like grayscale post-punk, saturated drone-rock and sparkling indie-pop, even utilizing the driving motorik beat sometimes heard in ’70s Krautrock. However, the most prominent style at work is the complicated aural syrup of shoegaze, at times bringing to mind the sugar-avalanche of My Bloody Valen-tine, down to the overloaded whammy-bar note-bending dives of MBV guitar-ist Kevin Shields.

The band itself offers a more enlight-ening yet bewildering list of influences, including groups like Black Sabbath, Throbbing Gristle, Joy Division, The Microphones and Joan of Arc, plus offbeat and misanthropic entries such as “being poor, feeling awkward, bad vibes, glitches, kitty kats, VHS and de-lay pedals.”

Swoon’s most prominent performance so far was its enthusiastically received set at Track 29 as part of the MAINX24 festival earlier this month, opening for Rigoletto and Behold the Brave; the band made more than a few new fans that night, stoking curiosities sound-wise and performance-wise. The loom-ing question among the audience that night was, “Who is that bearded guy sit-ting on the stage in front of the drum set?” Band member Robert Parker took the time to answer that question and others for The Pulse via email, in ad-vance of Swoon’s Jan. 3 show at Sluggo’s North.


The group’s performing lineup includes vocalist and guitarist Andy Goodner, Robert Parker on drone guitar, bassist Noah Dobbs and drummer Charles Stevens; Goodner, Parker and Dobbs are all vi-sual artists, in the media of video art, photography and others.

“I think maybe our art-minds are what draw us to shoegaze-like sounds,” said Parker, when asked how the mem-bers’ visual art attitudes might affect their musical work. “Sometimes it’s more fun to make sound that’s interest-ing or evocative rather than something that’s ‘good’ or particularly musical.

“And of all the genres out there, shoegaze is the most friendly towards dissonance and drones and noise and uncertainty,” said Parker. “That’s an area where Jason Reeves’ tutelage is essential.”

The aforementioned bearded stage-

sitter, Reeves is Swoon’s fifth member and more akin to being a sage, while not assigned with a specific musical instrument. He is also a painter and known as the force behind Baby Mag-ic, responsible for some of the most unusual and provocative local perfor-mances in recent memory.

“Jason is our spirit animal and advi-sor,” said Parker. “He’s kind of like our Maharishi yogi. He also helps us out with our non-musical art projects.”

And what do you feed a spirit ani-mal?

“To keep his mind sharp and his body able, we feed Jason a homemade mixture of chorizo, chopped-up pieces of VHS tape and Tecate,” said Parker.

When asked what the group wants people to get from Swoon’s music,

Parker cheekily responded, “Tinni-tus!” with the immediate goal of want-ing to “keep getting louder.” However, with more prodding, Parker revealed that the band’s ambitions are more in-teresting and involved than merely go-ing to eleven.

“Eventually we’d like to become more of an artist collective than a prop-er band,” said Parker. “For now, the most obvious example of this would be our live visuals.

“If you see us play and there’s a weird, glitchy projection blasting be-hind us, that visual is generated live,” said Parker. “It’s not a pre-recorded video or DVD. Noah is an ace video bender, and he builds the machines that make the lights and fury happen.

“Since Andy is such a great visual

artist, we usually have him design our show fliers whenever possi-ble,” said Parker.

“We also prefer to make all of our own merch. For our shirts and patches, we’ll troll thrift shops looking for promising candidates and then take them back to the laboratory to paint and modify by hand.

“If it’s something we don’t have the resources to make ourselves, we’ll seek out our friends and talented lo-cals to help us out,” said Parker. “The one time we broke D.I.y. and ordered something online, the package was stolen off of my porch, so maybe that’s a sign from Allah or something.”

SwoonWith Sun Dale and Tir AsleenSaturday, Jan. 3Sluggo’s North501 Cherokee Blvd.

Don't ask us—they sent in the photo

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192thehonestpint.com * facebook.com/TheHonestPint

honest music local and regional shows

New Year’s Eve Extravaganza Sharkweek, Turbo Fruits and Surfer Blood

$20 • VIP Table for 4 - $150 • Doors open at 8pm

Live Trivia every Sunday afternoon from 4-6pmRyan Oyer hosts Open Mic every Wednesday @ 8pm

$3 NEWCASTLE PINTSDURING THURSDAY SHOWS


MU

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thursday12.25 Open Mic with Hap Henninger9 p.m.the Office @ city cafe901 carter st.(423) 634-9191Prime Cut7 p.m.the Palms at Hamilton6925 shallowford rd.thepalmsathamilton.com

friday12.26 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats5 p.m.chattanooga choo choo1400 Market st.choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.el Meson2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.elmesonrestaurant.comChattanooga

Acoustic Showcase7 p.m.charles & Myrtle’s coffeehouse105 McBrien rd.christunity.orgMark Kelly Hall, Sabrina7 p.m.talus Bar & Grill812 scenic Hwy., lookout MountainFind them on Facebook Jimmy Harris7 p.m.the Palms at Hamilton6925 shallowford rd.thepalmsathamilton.comDavid Anthony & The

Groove Machine7 p.m.Mocha restaurant & Music lounge511 Broad st.mochajazz.netLogan Murrell8:30 p.m.the Foundry1201 Broad st.chattanooganhotel.comDrew Sterchi and Blues Tribe9 p.m.rhythm & Brews221 Market st.rhythm-brews.comAndy Liechty9 p.m.

the Office @ city cafe901 carter st.(423) 634-9191

saturday12.27 Joe Logan1 p.m.Georgia Winery6469 Battlefield Pkwy,.ringgold, GAgeorgiawines.comJason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats5 p.m.chattanooga choo choo1400 Market st.choochoo.comEddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.el Meson2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.elmesonrestaurant.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.the Palms at Hamilton6925 shallowford rd.thepalmsathamilton.comDavid Anthony & The Groove Machine7 p.m.Mocha restaurant & Music lounge

Pulse Pick: Mark kelly hallMark addresses topics such as love, faith and the '70s. His style is an eclectic blend of acoustic folk/pop originals and favorites, flavored with congeniality, personal insight, and a touch of country blues. Mark Kelly HallFriday, 7 p.m.talus Bar & Grill812 scenic Hwy., lookout Mountain

LIVE MUSIC

CHATTANOOGA

DEC/JAN

1.16 LAZY HORSE: A TRIBUTE TO NEIL YOUNG 1.16 CHIG MARTIN & THE ALABAMA OUTLAWS

26FRI9pDREW STERCHI

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2FRI9pCHANNING WILSON

CHATTANOOGA’S BEST SONGWRITER

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JESS GOGGANS BANDSOULFUL AND FUNKY ORIGINALS

9FRI9:30p

SEVEN HANDLE CIRCUSPRESENTED BY FLY FREE FESTIVAL

10SAT10pSLIPPERY WHEN WET

A TRIBUTE TO BON JOVI

ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREETHOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD

BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

COMING SOON

BACKUP PLANETwith HANK AND CUPCAKES

THAT 90'S SHOWwith TONE HARM & ISCARIOTS

8THU9p

27SAT9p

WED9p 31

FRI9:30p 23


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Machines Are People Too

511 Broad st.mochajazz.netLogan Murrell8:30 p.m.the Foundry1201 Broad st.chattanooganhotel.comJordan Hallquist & The Outfit, Decibella, Rick Rushing & The Blues Strangers9 p.m.rhythm & Brews221 Market st.rhythm-brews.comJacob Green10 p.m.the Office @ city cafe901 carter st.(423) 634-9191

sunday12.28 Sunday Night Irish Music Jam Session5 p.m.Grocery Bar1501 long st.grocerybar.com

Monday12.29 Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.the Palms at Hamilton

6925 shallowford rd.thepalmsathamilton.com

tuesday12.30 Rick’s Blues Jam7 p.m.Folk school of chattanooga1200 Mountain creek rd.chattanoogafolk.com

wednesday12.31 Eddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.el Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonrestaurant.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.the Palms at Hamilton6925 shallowford rd.thepalmsathamilton.comDan Sheffield7:30 p.m.sugar’s Downtown507 Broad st.suagrschattanooga.comBlackberry Smoke, Stonerider, Brother Hawk9 p.m.track 29

1400 Market st.track29.co Surfer Blood, Turbo Fruits, Sharkweek9 p.m.the Honest Pint35 Patten Pkwy.thehonestpint.comStrung Like A Horse, Lacy Jo, SoCro, The South Soul Dance Party9 p.m.the camp House149 e. MlK Blvd.thecamphouse.comDeep Fried Five9 p.m.the Doubletree Hotel407 chestnut st.doubletree3.hilton.comRick Rushing & The Blues Strangers9 p.m.the Foundry1201 Broad st.chattanooganhotel.comChris Mac & Smiley, Dream Vision9 p.m.Mocha restaurant & Music lounge511 Broad st.mochajazz.netBrian Free & Assurance9 p.m.colonNade center

264 catoosa cir., ringgold, GAcolonnadecenter.comThe 90’s Show, Tone Harm, Iscariots9:30 p.m.rhythm & Brews221 Market st.rhythm-brews.comThe Beaters10 p.m.chattanoooga choo choo 1400 Market st.choochoo.comJonathan Winless10 p.m.the Office @ city cafe901 carter st.(423) 634-9191Aunt Betty10 p.m.Bud’s sports Bar5751 Brainerd rd.budssportsbar.comMachines Are People Too, Baby Baby10 p.m.JJ’s Bohemia231 e. MlK Blvd.jjsbohemia.com

Map these locations on chatta-noogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected]

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm$1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts,

$2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

901 Carter StInside City Cafe423-634-9191

Thursday, December 25: 9pmOpen Mic with Hap Henninger

Friday, December 26: 9pmAtlanta’s Andy Liechty

Saturday, December 27: 10pmMilwaukee’s Jacob Green

Tuesday, December 30: 7pmServer/Hotel Appreciation Night$5 Pitchers ● $2 Wells ● $1.50 Domestics

New Year’s Eve: 10pmJonathan Winless

We Are Saving Mobile Lives

1906 Gunbarrel Rd.423-486-1668

(Next to GiGi’s Cupcakes)

5425 Highway 153423-805-4640(Next to CiCi’s Pizza)

cellphonerepair.com/chattanooga


Record ReviewsMARC T. MICHAEL

Celtic Celebration, Kids’ Cosmic FunSecret Commonwealth has it all, Alex Volz is awesome

For over 20 years The Secret Commonwealth has enter-

tained the Southeast with their lively Celtic tunes. The Mur-freesboro band has released several albums in that time, but their latest, Last Call, is as bril-liant a summation of that storied career as one could imagine. The band has outdone itself. The al-bum does not merely encapsulate the band’s history; it manages to cover the entire history of Irish and Scottish music from the mid-20th-century Irish folk revival right up to the present day.

There is a touch and a taste of Tommy Makem, the Clancys, the Coors, Mary Black, Ron Ka-vana, Christy Moore, the Chief-tains, the Pogues, Danny Doyle, Tommy Sands and many more classic and revered names on this album—all of it served up with the inimitable style and panache of the Secret Commonwealth. The instrumentation is broad, the orchestration is masterful. With flute and drum, guitar and banjo,

fiddle and whistle and a whole host of other traditional and mod-ern instruments the band has wo-ven simplicity into complexity in what has become the high-water mark for Irish American music.

In 12 tracks, the band manages to run the stylistic gamut from traditional (“Til Jamie Comes Hame,” “Field of Bannockburn”) to contemporary (“Springtime Unknown”) and the delightfully Appalachian “Haints in the Hol-ler.” The four-piece band (five if you count the Gnome) maintains a mastery of emotional expres-sion that allows them to transi-tion seamlessly from whimsical to somber with a full measure of “fired up and ready to fight” in between. Indeed, the casual lis-tener must exercise caution lest he or she find themselves simul-taneously dancing a jig, throwing a punch and crying into a glass of whiskey while wailing, “Oh jay-zus…”

The album itself is beautifully engineered and has been released

as a CD, digital download and as a 12-inch vinyl album (I HIGHLy recommend the vinyl if you have the means to play it) and is avail-able through all the regular sourc-es including iTunes, CD Baby, and, of course, directly from the band’s website and the band itself in concert. It is a must-have for lovers of Celtic music.

I have never reviewed a chil-dren’s album before, and it was

with some trepidation that I sat down to listen to Awesome Songs for Cool Kids by Alex Volz. I need not have worried. It seems these particular awesome songs have great appeal for cool kids of any age. The gruff-voiced Volz is ev-eryone’s favorite uncle, the one who shows up at holidays with weird gifts from around the world, the one who invariably produces a quarter from behind your ear (or $5 by today’s standards) and is quick with a joke and a friendly pat on the head (he probably rides a motorcycle and wears bright-

ly colored Hawaiian shirts for Christmas).

Where to begin with the tunes? There are, of course, the old fa-miliar standards, but done in a way no one has ever done them before. Imagine the “Hokey Pok-ey” as performed by Black Flag and you start to get a sense of what I mean. “Old MacDonald” gets a new lease on life as a cheesy AM radio DJ with each succes-sive verse delivered in a different style (country, disco, blues, etc.). It isn’t all old standards, however. “Tommy the Talking Taco” is cool before the tune even starts and “The Awesomest Monster” is easily one of the awesomest kids’ songs I’ve ever heard.

The album is drenched in dis-torted guitar, thumping drums and mischievousness—and frank-ly, it’s just good fun from begin-ning to end. Alex Volz is the sonic equivalent of the Animaniacs, Looney Tunes and Fractured Fai-rytales all rolled into one. It isn’t hard to imagine him touring with Weird Al. For all that, we still haven’t touched on the one thing that sets Volz apart from the rest: The album is free. you can down-load it right now for nothing at all or, if you prefer, you can email Volz and he will send you a hard-copy absolutely free of charge.

He explains this generosity by touching on a project founded by the lovely Dolly Parton in which every child born in Tennessee can, for the first five years of their lives, receive a free book in the mail courtesy of Ms. Parton. In that vein Volz has elected to make his music available absolutely free of charge, relying on Kick-starter and crowd funding to cover the initial recording costs. To hear more, to get your own copy of the album or just to see what this big ol’ cuddly teddy bear of a man is about, head to http://alexvolz-kidsmusic.com

The Secret CommonwealthLast Call (Available through CD Baby)

Alex Volz Awesome Songs for Cool Kids (alexvolz.bandcamp.com)

PARTY WITH US NeW YeAR’S eve!Tables going quickly

so call to reserve yours today.

Table of 4 for $65. Includes bottle of champagne and

party favors.

$20 at the door for those without a

reservation.

DJ playing all your favorite songs all

night long.

HOLIDAY HOURSNew Year’s Eve

6pm–3amNew Year’s Day

6pm–3am

NeW LOCATION103 Cherokee Blvd On The North Shore

(423) 267-2455

Open 11a-3a Dailythebigchillandgrill.com

chaTTanoogaPulse.com • NeW yeAr'S eVe GUIDe • December 25, 2014 • The Pulse • 15

The Pulse

YOuR GuIDE TO THE BEST NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTIES

16 • The Pulse • December 25, 2014 • NeW yeAr'S eVe GUIDe • chaTTanoogaPulse.com

Ringing In The New YearWhere to go, what to do, who to see to kick off 2015 in style

HolidayGAry POOle

The history of celebrating the start of a new year goes back some 4,000 years to the Babylonians, who held a massive religious festival known as “Akitu” during the first full moon after the vernal equinox (the day in spring where day and night are of equal length), generally in late March. The festival, which lasted for 11 days, also coincided with the celebration of the victory of the sky god Marduk over the evil sea goddess Tiamet.

It’s Julius Caesar, however, who is generally given the credit for the cre-ation of what we now think of as the “New year.” In 46 B.C., the Roman emperor introduced the Julian calen-dar and proclaimed January 1 as the first day of the year, in honor of the two-faced god Janus, who was able to look both into the future and into the past.

With a nod to Caesar, to this day people around the world gather on New year’s Eve to look back on the year that was and ahead to the year that will be with gatherings and cel-ebrations.

Here in Chattanooga, we have quite a number of choices (though it’s up to you whether or not to wear a toga in honor of Caesar). In no particular order, here is a look at many of the events you have to choose from on December 31st.

The Honest PintThe Pint goes all out with a “New

year’s Eve Extravaganza” featuring a triple threat of talented local bands: Surfer Blood, Turbo Fruits, and Sharkweek.

$2035 Patten Pkwy.(423) 468-4192thehonestpint.com

rhythm & brewsOne of the most fun bands in

town—That 90’s Show—performz all your favorite hits of the ’90s from grunge to pop to R&B. And if that wasn’t enough, The Iscariots will per-form and Tone Harm will be DJing through the night.

$25221 Market St. (423) 267-4644 rhythm-brews.com

The camp HouseIt’s the “Black and White Ball” with

Strung Like A Horse, Lacy Jo, SoCro, and The South Soul Dance Family for the first New year’s Eve party in their new location.

$20149 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 702-8081thecamphouse.com

The OfficeThe most intimate venue in town

pops for New year’s Eve with music from Jonathan Winless and no cover charge.

Inside City Cafe901 Carter St.(423) 634-9191

Track 29Ring in the New year with South-

ern rock touring stalwarts Blackberry Smoke, along with Stonerider and

Brother Hawk. Love ZZ Top, Sky-nyrd, Marshall Tucker and George Jones? Then you’ll love Blackberry Smoke.

$401400 Market St.(423) 521-2929track29.co

JJ’s bohemiaParty till you drop at JJ’s with Ma-

chines Are People Too and Baby Baby.$10 advance, $15 at the door231 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 266-1400jjsbohemia.com

The Doubletree HotelCelebrate Chatt-a-New year with

music from the masters of funk, Deep Fried Five, and the Giant Coca-Cola Bottle Drop at midnight.

$32.78407 Chestnut St.(423) 756-5150doubletree3.hilton.com

beast + barrelIt’s a New year’s Eve Luau and Pig

Roast. The prix fixe menu includes pig roast dinner, tiki drinks and a champagne toast. They’ll also have limbo, fire eating, and dance music with DJ Spoon.

$60 per person / $100 per couple16 Frazier Ave.(423) 805-4599beastandbarrel.com

The Hunter museumGrab your friends for a special night

offering food by Events with Taste,

WITH THE NEW yEAR ALMOST UPON US, IT'S TIME for the annual debate: Where to go? And this year, the ques-

tion is even harder to answer, as Chattanooga’s entertainment choices continue to expand. So, with that in mind, we have put together a look at all the various celebratory options to ring in 2015 and start the second half of the decade on a positive note.

DON’T CHANCE IT

YOUR NEXT DRINKCOULD BE YOUR LAST

STAY ALIVEDON’T DRINK & DRIVE

chaTTanoogaPulse.com • NeW yeAr'S eVe GUIDe • December 25, 2014 • The Pulse • 17

an open bar, music and dancing by SoundForce Entertainment for a “Party On The Bluff.”

$85 for Hunter Members$95 for Non-Members10 Bluff View Ave.(423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org

chattanooga choo chooThe tradition continues at the Choo

Choo with “New year’s Rockin’ Eve” with The Beaters. Stay overnight at the hotel and enjoy a New year’s Day brunch.

$401400 Market St.(423) 266-5000choochoo.com

The comedy catchGet a double dose of comedy at

the Catch with Reno Collier and Tim Murray. The “Midnight Party Show” will include hats, horns, a split of champagne and DJ Gene Lovin keep-ing everyone dancing till the morning.

$343224 Brainerd Rd.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

Images ShowbarLooking for something a bit dif-

ferent on New year's Eve? Receive festive party favors, hats and beads, complimentary champagne toast at midnight, and a female impersonation show at 11 p.m., along with two bal-loon drops with hundreds in cash and prizes. Plus dancing all night and a free breakfast buffet at 1:30 a.m.

$10 6005 Lee Hwy.(423) 855-8210mirage-complex.com

mocha restaurant & music Lounge

It’s a New year’s Eve Extravaganza with special hosts Chris Mac and Smi-ley, music from ATL Dream Vision, and spinning from DJ Mixx.

$20 early bird special511 Broad St.(423) 531-4154mochajazz.net

bud’s Sports barLet your hair down and party with

all your Brainerd friends as Aunt Betty rocks the house for Bud's annual New year's Eve blowout.

$105751 Brainerd Rd.(423) 499-9878budssportsbar.com

The Southern belle riverboatCelebrate the new year onboard the

Southern Belle, featuring a great din-ner, entertainment with DJ Joe Na-bors, dancing and more.

$99.95201 Riverfront Pkwy.(423) 266-4488 chattanoogariverboat.com

The Palms at HamiltonHead to the Coconut Room for

dinner and dancing. The menu in-cludes slow-roasted prime rib, ginger poached salmon, open-flame veggie kabobs, lobster bisque, champagne

and more. Plus a DJ, live music, and prizes for the best dressed.

$125 couple, $65 per person6925 Shallowford Rr.(423) 499-5055thepalmsathamilton.com

The FoundryLooking for a bluesy New year’s

Eve? Head over to The Chattanoogan Hotel and celebrate with Rick Rush-ing & the Blues Strangers.

$151201 Broad St.(423) 424-3775chattanooganhotel.com

Terramae Appalachian bistroIt’s an “Ode to the Classics” New

year’s Eve Dinner with special seat-ings all night long. Menu includes Grand Amuse Bouche, cured salmon, caviar devil egg, lobster bisque, beef wellington and more.

$100122 E. 10th St.(423) 710-2925terramaechattanooga.com

Tennessee Valley railroadIt’s a a special Dinner Train trip that

includes a three-course dining experi-ence onboard a restored 1924 dining car. Departure time is 8 p.m., travel-ing from the Grand Junction Station at a leisurely pace through portions of urban East Chattanooga, with return around 10 p.m.

$654119 Cromwell Rd.(423) 894-8028tvrail.com

COUNTDOWN TO

EXCELLENCE

18 • The Pulse • December 25, 2014 • NeW yeAr'S eVe GUIDe • chaTTanoogaPulse.com

................................................................

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Limbo Fire eatingDJ Spoon

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New Year’s Eve Luau + Pig RoastWEDNESDAY 12/31/14

8PM - 1AM

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Diversions

Consider Thiswith Dr. Rick

“Do your little bit of good where you are.” —Desmond Tutu

sometimes we may think that we don’t have much to offer. or an old voice may berate us with something like, Who are you to tell me? or, Who do you think you are? Perhaps, mr. Big shot, thinks he knows everything! ouch.

The truth is that we each have a special gift, perhaps many special gifts. and what a shame it would be to live a life that keeps them under wraps. There’s always a place for you to help another person with what you know. There’s always someone less fortunate than you who could use your help, your wisdom, your act of kindness, perhaps just five minutes of your time to listen.

here’s an idea: Think of everyone who’s present in your life right now—family, friends, neighbors, co-workers. make a list. now pick one person each week whose life may be improved by the little bit of good you can offer them. go for it. and watch what happens.

by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.


FRI12.26HOLIDAY SOUND

National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem”A special screening of a fantastic 3D excperience.2, 5, 7 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D Theater201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org/imax

SAT12.27HOLIDAY CLASSIC

Holidays at the Hunter come celebrate the season (and get out of the house) with a visit to the largest collection of American art in the region.NoonHunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org

ThU12.25WINTER WONDER

Ice on the Landingstrap on your skates and hit the ice for a winter wonderland treat right there on the riverfront.4 p.m.Chattanooga Green at Ross’s Landiing100 Riverfront Pkwy.(423) 645-8237iceonthelanding.com

Hand The New Year A CokeFirst-ever Coca-Cola bottle drop bubbles up for NYE

the ball drop at times square is the most famous drop on New year’s eve—but it isn’t the only one. cit-ies across the united states drop objects representing their city in celebrations of their own. Memphis has the guitar, Atlanta has the peach, and naturally Key West has the drag queen sitting in a ruby-red high heel.

For the first time in Nye history, chattanooga is partaking in its own drop. In celebration of the scenic city being the home to the world’s first coca-cola bottling company, the Doubletree Hotel downtown will drop a 12-foot-tall leD coca-cola contour bottle just as the clock strikes 12. the drop is part of “chat-taNew year,” a party described as celebrating “all things chattanooga.”

If you’re looking for something fun to do as you wait for the countdown to 2015, there is a family-friendly street party starting at 8 p.m. in the Doubletree Hotel’s parking lot.

Free and open to the public, the party features a kid’s zone, music, giveaways, and food from several of chattanooga’s famous food trucks.

Bundle up and come watch the first ever coca-cola bottle drop—and the start to 2015!

— Madeline Chambliss

ChattaNew YearThe Doubletree HotelWednesday, Dec. 31407 Chestnut St.(423) 756-5150chattanewyear.com

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My favorite thing lately has been finding old broken toys and painting them into scenarios. there’s no real message behind it—it’s just fun.”

“

Dark Art From Paint to VinylAmy Mayfield balances juggling ‘painter’ and ‘record store entrepreneur’

AMy MAyFIELD’S ART IS NOT SOMETHING yOU WILL ever see on the cover of Southern Living. Punk rock’s big sister

wouldn’t want her work to be doted upon by the masses, so don’t stare too long at the picture we printed here. Her paintings, darkly beautiful and macabre, appeal to an aesthetic that is unapologeti-cally realistic, taking no prisoners as they murder your eyeballs.

Tony mraz: What do you consider to be most important when creating?

Amy mayfield: Enjoying it. If what I’m creating is frustrating me, or I feel just isn’t hitting its mark, then I stop, add it to my bone yard of dead paintings and work on something else, or just take a break from it for a while. you can work a piece to death.

Tm: If you got to have coffee with three of your favorite artists, who would they be?

Am: Jenny Saville, Gee Vaucher and Sue Coe.

Tm: All of these artists are alive and still working, so it could happen, right?

Am: There are several other obvi-ous artists I would pick if I had a time machine, but they all died of drug overdose, suicide, and 16th-18th century venereal diseases… so I can’t imagine getting coffee with them being much fun. Just because you’re a genius with a brush doesn’t mean you’re going to be a pleasure to drink coffee with.

Tm: What are some of the ideas and/or themes that you deal with?

Am: I like to toy with iconography, literary references, and satire…humor and chagrin added to something other-wise devastating and important. Trash culture, art, music, and literature have

ArtstONy MrAz


3849 Dayton Blvd. • Ste. 113423.877.1787

At the corner of Morrison Springs Road and Dayton Boulevard in the

Bi-Lo Shopping Center

Celebrate the New Year with our greatselection of wine,

champagne, spirits, & high-gravity beer.

Come see why we’rethe liquor storewith a smile...

all had an important influ-ence on a lot of my sociopo-litical/analytical leanings, as well my tempo in life. As for “themes,” I like storybook layouts, old sci-fi book cov-ers, record covers, and other dated materials. My favor-ite thing lately has been finding old broken toys and painting them into scenari-os. There’s no real message behind it—it’s just fun. I’m generally overly cautious about social/political top-ics because I’m afraid the pieces will be perceived as exploitive and not benefit the idea or cause.

Tm: What materials and processes have you been us-ing recently?

Am: I generally use high-er-quality acrylic paints and mediums, and cheap clear-ance-rack brushes because I forget to clean them prop-erly and have a bad habit of chewing on the ends. My favorite process is acrylic over charcoal washes. I paint on hardboard that I gesso and sand down. The charcoal does most of the work, maps out most of the detail, and the acrylics are layered over in glazes and highlights. It gives it a gritty look that I like, and sometimes I’ll finish small details with a colored pencil.

Tm: How does owning and operat-ing a record store influence your work?

Am: I said “Hey, I know what I’m going to do with my art degrees to not make money! I’m going to open a store that sells outdated analog

media to only a select group of peo-ple in the community who either haven’t discovered the internet yet, like to fondle stuff before they buy it, or make it a point to support record stores, and then I’m going to put it in this nondescript metal building in the dead center of Red Bank.”

We started it with $400 and records

from our own collections. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done. It has shown me what I am capable of doing if I quit sabotaging myself and take a huge risk. It has forced me to become more detail orientated, organized, and made me more conscientious about time and managing it. It has also shown me that the community actually cares if we succeed.

The store has been a labor of love and provi-sion of public service more than a source of income. This is sort of a dream that my brother and I have had since we were kids, and we en-listed our sister. We rent out art space in the back of the building, and have a fully functional 4-color press and dryer that we let bands and other busi-nesses use to print shirts. Sometimes we invite bands or individuals to play music in the back. We try to promote and sell items from other lo-cal artists and musicians, and lately we have been

running out of room. Next year we are going to expand the store, and I would like to build a gallery into the back half.

• • • •To see more of Amy’s art or shop for re-

cords, visit Mayfield’s All Killer No Filler Records at 2841 Dayton Blvd. in Red Bank or online at mayfieldsallkiller.com


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thursday12.25 Christmas at The Chattanoogan Noonthe chattanoogan Hotel1201 Broad st. (800) 619-0018 chattanooganhotel.comIce on the Landing4 p.m.chattanooga Green at ross’s landiing100 riverfront Pkwy.(423) 645-8237iceonthelanding.com

friday12.26 Special Screenings of National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem”2, 5, 7 p.m. tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D theater201 chestnut st. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.orgSew What3 p.m.chattanooga Public library1001 Broad st.(423) 757-5310chattlibrary.org

saturday12.27 St. Alban’s Hixson Farmers’ Market 10 a.m. st. Alban’s episcopal church

7514 Hixson Pike(423) 842-1342Brainerd Farmers’ Market 10 a.m. Grace episcopal church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-0330 Holidays at the Hunter 10 a.m.Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.orgWildlife Wonderland Tour1:30 p.m. reflection riding Arboretum & Nature center 400 Garden rd. (423) 821-1160Special Screenings of National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem” 2, 5, 7 p.m. tennessee Aquarium

IMAX 3D theater201 chestnut st. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.orgFamily Storytime 2:30 p.m. chattanooga Public library 1001 Broad st. (423) 757-5310chattlibrary.orgNorth Pole Limited5:45 p.m.tennessee Valley railroad4119 cromwell rd.(423) 894-8028tvrail.com

sunday12.28 Holidays at the Hunter NoonHunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View

(423) 267-0968huntermuseum.orgWinter Wildlife Cruise:“Eagle Eyes”2 p.m. tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad st. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.orgSpecial Screenings of National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem”2, 5 p.m. tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D theater201 chestnut st. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org

Monday12.29 Winter Break Mini Cooking Camp with Sprouts Cooking 9:30 p.m. Brainerd crossroads (BX) 4011 Austin st.(423) 643-4978brainerdbabtist.org/brainerd-crossroads-bx

tuesday12.30 Ruby Falls Discovery Day!8 a.m.ruby Falls1720 s. scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544rubyfalls.comWinter Break Mini Cooking Camp with Sprouts Cooking 9:30 a.m. Brainerd crossroads (BX)

Pulse Pick: reno collierWith a contagious laugh and friendly, almost intoxicating demeanor, Reno's observations often find him recalling mishaps of his West Virginia cousins, his Scottish heritage, unruly in-laws and alien abductions.

Reno CollierWednesday, Dec. 31the comedy catch3224 Brainerd rd.thecomedycatch.com

Final Weekend!Don’t Miss the Magic!

for more info call 706.820.2531

See .comRockCity


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"Jerusalem"

4011 Austin st.(423) 643-4978brainerdbabtist.org/brainerd-crossroads-bxHolidays at the Hunter 10 a.m.Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org

wednesday12.31 New Years at Noon10 a.m. creative Discovery Museum321 chestnut st.(423) 756-2738cdmfun.orgMain Street Farmers Market4 p.m. 325 e. Main st. mainstreetfarmersmarket.comReno Collier, Tim Murray 7:30, 10 p.m. the comedy catch3224 Brainerd rd. (423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.comDrop a Giant Coca-Cola Bottle at Midnight8 p.m. Doubletree Hotel407 chestnut st.(423) 756-5150 doubletree3.hilton.comNew Year's Eve On The River8 p.m.southern Belle riverboat201 riverfront Pkwy.(423) 266-4488 chattanoogariverboat.comNew Year's Eve Dinner Train

8 p.m.tennessee Valley railroad4119 cromwell rd.(423) 894-8028tvrail.comMC5P New Year’s Eve Party 8:30 p.m. Museum center at 5ive Points 200 Inman st., east., cleveland, tn.(423) 399-5745huntermuseum.orgBlack & White NYE Ball at The Camp House 9 p.m. 149 e. MlK Blvd. (423) 702-8081thecamphouse.comNew Year's Eve Party On The Bluff9 p.m.Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org

ongoing

“New York Times Magazine Photography Exhibit”Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org“Choices”In town Gallery26A Frazier Ave.(423) 267-9241intowngallery.com“Breakdown Lane Orrery”cress Gallery of Art736 Vine st.

(423) 425-4371cressgallery.org“Folk Art Show” reflections Gallery6922 lee Hwy.(423) 892-3072reflectionsgallerytn.com“Member’s Choice”Gallery At Blackwell71 eastgate loop(423) 344-5643chattanoogaphoto.org“Open 24 Hours”Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org“PRINT”Jewish cultural center5461 N. terrace rd.(423) 493-0270jewishchattanooga.com“The Threads That Bind”Bessie smith cultural center200 MlK Blvd.(423) 266-8658bessiesmithcc.org“Two Footprints”river Gallery400 e. second st.(800) 374-2923river-gallery.com“Pioneering Pulpits: The First Ocoee Churches”Museum center At Five Points200 Inman st. e (423) 339-5745museumcenter.org“Juried Members Exhibition”AVA Gallery30 Fraizer Ave. (423) 265-4282avaarts.org

“Winter Wonders”creative Discovery Museum321 chestnut st. (423) 756-2738cdmfun.orgHoliday Lights at the Chattanooga Zoochattanooga zoo301 North Holtzclaw Ave.(423) 697-1319chattzoo.orgEnchanted Garden of LightsRock City Gardens 1400 Patten rd., lookout Mountain, Ga. (706) 820-2531seerockcity.comHolidays under the Peaks tennessee Aquarium & IMAX 3D1 Broad st. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.orgRuby Falls’ Christmas underground ruby Falls1720 s. scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544rubyfalls.comIce on the Landing ross’s landing100 riverfront Pkwy.(423) 645-8237iceonthelanding.comHolidays at the Hunter Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org

Map these locations on chatta-noogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected]

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As the long dark winter sets in and the inevitable chill fills the air, nothing warms the cockles like a neat glass of the Dwight yoakam State’s finest. Warm, rich and aromatic Bourbon, as it’s legally known, is like a down

comforter for the soul. And as we all know qual-ity bedding is important to have, especially when your soul is on the line. So, you’ll want some-thing with a high thread count and genuine goose-down stuffing. That type

of thing is usually found lurking on the top shelf, which is what we’re look-ing at this time around.

Angel’s Envy Bourbon is in the tumbler first this p a r t i c u -lar eve-ning. This 86.6 proof b o u r b o n was created by the re-cently late and legend-ary Master Distiller Lin-coln Henderson. Angel’s Envy is worth coveting. Aged up to six years in toasted white oak barrels and finished in ruby port wine casks from Portugal, it has a deep, rich flavor reminiscent of toffee and

raisins. This fireside sip-per has definitely earned its wings.

But the folks up in Nelson County, Kay-Why have another card up their sleeve with An-gel’s Envy Finished Rye. They forewent the tra-ditional port barrels and instead put their new 100

Proof Rye W h i s k e y in Franco-Caribbean rum casks

that previously carried French cognac for 18 months. (Oooh la la!) you may have tasted good rye before. yet, I double-dog dare that you’ve not tasted any this good! The force is strong with this one. Think spiced brown sugar and vanilla with a maple finish.

Mike Dobbs writes about all things liquor. When not relaxing at home with his Tonkinese kitten Amélie, he’s an architectural designer by trade. A night owl since birth, he’s honed the craft of bacchanalian roister and developed an appreciation for the finer elixirs of life.

“Warm, rich and aromatic Bourbon, as it’s legally known, is like a down comforter for the soul.”

Spirits Within

MIKe DOBBs

A Top-of-the-Shelf Salute to the Holiday SeasonOur man steps down from his barstool with a tribute to Kentucky bourbon

ATHENS DISTRIBUTING COMPANYWINE AND SPIRIT WHOLESALERS

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Woodford ReserveWoodford Reserve isn’t manufactured, it’s hand crafted in small batches. This artisanal process gives this quality bourbon its distinct taste and crisp, clean finish.

Athens Distributing recommends these fine spirits...AngelsEnvyAngel’s Envy is a return to the art of craft-first bourbon, hand blended in batches of 8 to 12 barrels at a time, and then finished in ruby port casks.

Bulleit RyeAn award-winning, small batch, straight rye whiskey that has an unparalleled character of spice and complexity, with hints of vanilla, honey, and a rich, oaky aroma.

Elijah Craig Bottled exclusively from a dumping of 70 barrels or less, it carries the name of the Rev. Elijah Craig, who discovered the method of making Kentucky Bourbon.

T’was five nights before Christmas as I slump in my chairNot a swizzle stick was stirring, an event that is rareThis madness must end and I rise to my feetI walk into the bar to have something “neat” Checking back of the shelves, for the stuff that is bestSome Bourbon perhaps, for a glow in my chestAnd me in my jammies and the cat in my lapHad just settled in with the perfect nightcap.


A l s o f r o m the high shelf is a very spe-cial, hand-c r a f t e d , small-batch b o u r b o n from Ver-sailles, Ken-tucky. Wood-ford Reserve features a high percentage of rye: 72 percent corn, 18 percent rye and 10 per-cent malt that’s triple distilled and sequestered in white oak bar-rels for about seven years to let the deep limestone well water-based spirit “breathe” in all of the woody goodness. Conceptualize caramel, roasted walnuts, vanilla and oak with a 90 proof warm envelope.

Now if that isn’t hoity enough, take the same Woodford Reserve

and a bar-rel that’s b e e n flame-broil

c h a r r e d twice as long and marry them together for an additional nine months. The result is a bouncing baby

bourbon called Woodford Re-serve Double Oaked Bourbon. The extra char takes the original taste and boosts it up with more of a butterscotch

flavor, giving it a creamier finish. It’s the same 90 proof but just a bit more hardy.

So hear me exclaim, it’s been fun these last years

Happy Christmas to all, and to all, alas…

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For three days only—Dec. 26, 27 and 28—the tennessee Aquarium’s IMAX theater is presenting a very special 3D showing of National Geo-graphic’s “Jerusalem.”

the film takes audiences on an in-spiring and eye-opening tour of one of the world’s oldest and most enig-matic cities. Destroyed and rebuilt countless times over 5,000 years, Je-rusalem’s enduring appeal remains a mystery.

What made it so important to so many different cultures? How did it become the center of the world for three major religions? Why does it

still matter to us?“Jerusalem” attempts to answer

these questions by following three young Jerusalemites and their fami-lies—Jewish, christian and Muslim. through their eyes, audiences will learn what it means to call Jerusalem home, and experience celebrations and events that mark the high points of a year in the life of the city.

“Jerusalem”IMAX 3D Theater201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org/imax

SCR

EE

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CE

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unbrokenAfter a near-fatal plane crash in WWII, Olympian louis zamperini spends a harrowing 47 days in a raft with two fellow crewmen before he's caught by the Japanese navy.Director: Angelina Joliestars: Jack O'connell, takamasa Ishihara, Domhnall Gleeson

Into the Woods A witch tasks a childless baker and his wife with procuring magical items from classic fairy tales to reverse the curse put on their family tree in this oddball holiday film offering.Director: rob Marshallstars: Anna Kendrick, Meryl streep, chris Pine, emily Blunt

Holy Land Holiday ExplorationSee and learn all about Jerusalem in big screen 3D

But for many areas of the world, North Korea isn’t funny. it is a threat—how much of one depends on whom you ask.”

“

Yelling “Fire” In A Crowded Theater?“The Interview” is another example of American global naiveté

AMERICANS TAKE OUR ENTERTAINMENT SERIOUS-ly. When “The Interview” was first announced, I rolled my

eyes and sighed. I knew that it would dominate the news cycle for a while—cable news would endlessly debate the reactions by North Korea, laugh at the saber-rattling of our perpetual foreign policy joke, and then the film would pass into obscurity.

I did not expect hacked emails, a Sony surrender, the cancellation of other North Korea-based projects, and Paramount ban-ning “Team America: World Police” from theaters. It’s a strange reaction for a strange time. The outcry afterwards is expected, of course. Americans refuse to be told what media we can and cannot consume. Others have pointed out that our intense reaction at this particular incident (beyond other issues like the CIA torture report or the newly minted economic relationship with Cuba) is indicative of a larger disconnect between the American Public and things that really matter.

It’s a fair assessment, to be sure, but one that misses the mark. This isn’t about a James Franco movie. No one is really clamoring to see “The Interview” because it’s good. It’s about expectation and ap-pearances. It’s about a precedent that has now been set. But mostly, it’s about mon-ey. It always is.

Americans revere business as much as they revere the Constitution. American companies are expected to follow a certain set of unspoken rules, one of which is not capitulating to known dictators. However, it’s important to note that Sony Pictures Entertainment is simply an American sub-sidiary of a multinational, Japanese-based technology and media conglomerate.

It’s easy to get confused, as Sony Pic-

ScreenJOHN DeVOre


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tures owns the rights to very Ameri-can products, like “Spider-man” and “Men in Black.” It’s also easy to laugh at North Korea when it’s so far away and not test-firing missiles into our ocean a few times a year. When North Korea declares that the release of a film will be considered an act of war, we can giggle and make jokes and ig-nore it.

But for many areas of the world, North Korea isn’t funny. It is a threat—how much of one depends on whom you ask.

The Sony Corporation has consider-able stakes in the Asian market. They are unlikely to actively contribute to regional instability for an American comedy film. Some 70 percent of film profits come from the international market. Maintaining this is extremely important; losing distribution in Chi-na, for instance, would be devastating. China has relations with North Korea and an interest in keeping them pla-

cated. We don’t know what type of pressure Sony is under. They are in the business of making money, after all.

At the same time, Americans abhor “cowardice” for any reason. Our love of capitalism is frequently set aside for patriotic bravado. As the world becomes a global marketplace, our ideals are going to clash with the out-side world. The primary export of the United States is culture. The preva-lence of McDonald’s in every corner of the world is as responsible for our position as a superpower as our mili-tary might. American film is a carrier for our values, and when those values are rejected, we consider it a threat.

I have asked many people how we would react if an entertainment film depicting the assassination of a sitting president by North Korean opera-tives were released in Asia. They all agreed that cable news would erupt in a firestorm of seething anger but

that we would never hack the emails of another country in retaliation. And, of course, we wouldn’t, because…we’re already doing that in the name of national security. Let’s not hold our heads so high.

This is not the first time an Ameri-can film has been affected by the Asian market. The original script for the 2012 remake of “Red Dawn” called for Chinese aggressors. A leaked script caused uproar in Chinese state-run newspapers and the antagonist was changed to an alliance between a highly militarized North Korea and an ultranationalistic Russia. The change was made so that the film could play in Asia. Instead of asking why Sony canceled “The Interview,” maybe we should ask how the film got made in the first place. Someone at Sony dropped the ball, but it happened long before now. Art is a commodity in the world and we shouldn’t be sur-prised when it’s treated like one.


Free Will Astrology ROB BREzSNY

cAPrIcOrN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When he was 37 years old, actor Jack Nicholson found out that Ethel May, the woman he had always called his mother, was in fact his grandma. Furthermore, his “older sister” June was ac-tually his mom, who had given birth to him when she was 17. His relatives had hidden the truth from him. I suspect that in 2015 you will uncover secrets and missing information that will rival Nicholson’s experience. Although these revelations may initially be confusing or disrup-tive, in the long run they will heal and liberate you. Welcome them!

AQUArIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Meupareunia” is an English word that refers to a sexual ad-venture in which only one of the participants has a good time. I’ll be bold and predict that you will not experience a single in-stance of meupareunia in 2015. That’s because I expect you’ll be steadily upgrading your levels of empathy and your capacity for receptivity. you will be getting better and better at listening to your intimate allies and reading their emotional signals. I predict that synergy and symbiosis will be your specialties. Both your desire to please and your skill at giving pleasure will increase, as will your understanding of how many benefits you can reap by being a responsive partner.

PISceS (Feb. 19-March 20): “Be good and you will be lone-some,” said Mark Twain. Do you agree? I don’t—at least as it applies to your life in 2015. According to my understand-ing of the long-term astrological omens, you will attract an abun-dance of love and luck by being good—by expressing generosity, deepening your compassion, cul-tivating integrity, and working for justice and truth and beauty. That doesn’t mean you should be a pushover or doormat. your resolve to be good must be leavened by a determination to deepen your self-respect. your eagerness to do the right thing has to include a commitment to raising your levels of self-care.

ArIeS (March 21-April 19): “Hell is the suffering of being unable to love,” wrote novelist J. D. Salinger. Using that defi-nition, I’m happy to announce that you have a good chance of avoiding hell altogether in 2015.

If there has been any deficiency in your power to express and be-stow love, I think you will correct it. If you have been so intent on getting love that you have been neglectful in giving love, you will switch your focus. I invite you to keep a copy of this horo-scope in your wallet for the next 12 months. Regard it as your “Get Out of Hell Free” card.

TAUrUS (April 20-May 20): Beetles are abundant and ubiq-uitous. Scientists have identified more than 350,000 species, and they are always discovering new ones. In 2011, for example, they conferred official recognition on 3,485 additional types of beetles. I’m seeing a parallel develop-ment in your life, Taurus. A com-mon phenomenon that you take for granted harbors mysteries that are worth exploring. Some-thing you regard as quite familiar actually contains interesting fea-tures you don’t know about. In 2015, I hope you will open your mind to the novelties and exoti-ca that are hidden in plain sight.

GemINI (May 21-June 20): Au-guste Escoffier (1846-1935) was an influential French chef who defined and standardized the five “mother sauces.” But he wasn’t content to be a star in his own country. At the age of 44, he began his “conquest of London,” bringing his spectacular dining experience to British restaurants. He thought it might be hard to sell his new clientele on frogs’ legs, a traditional French dish, so he resorted to trickery. On the menu, he listed it as “Nymphs of the Dawn.” According to my reading of the omens, this is an example of the hocus-pocus that will be your specialty in 2015. And I suspect you will get away

with it every time as long as your intention is not selfish or manip-ulative, but rather generous and constructive.

cANcer (June 21-July 22): The entomologist Charles P. Alexander (1889-1981) devoted much of his professional life to analyzing the insect known as the crane fly. He identified over 11,000 different species, drew 15,000 illustrations of the crea-tures, and referred to his lab as “Crane Fly Haven.” That’s the kind of single-minded intention I’d love to see you adopt dur-ing the first six months of 2015, Cancerian. What I’m imagining is that you will choose a specific, well-defined area within which you will gleefully explore and experiment and improvise. Is there a subject or task or project you would have fun pursuing with that kind of intensity?

LeO (July 23-Aug. 22): In Don DeLillo’s novel Underworld, Cotter Martin is a young boy living in New york in the 1950s. The following description is about him. “In school they tell him sometimes to stop looking out the window. This teacher or that teacher. The answer is not out there, they tell him. And he always wants to say that’s exactly where the answer is.” I propose we regard this passage as one of your themes in 2015, Leo. In other words, be skepti-cal of any authority who tells you where you should or should not be searching for the answers. Follow your own natural inclina-tion, even if at first it seems to be nothing more than looking out the window.

VIrGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “It is always important to know when something has reached its end,” writes Paulo Coelho in his book The Zahir. Use this advice hero-ically in 2015, Virgo. Wield it to clear away anything that no lon-ger serves you, that weighs you down or holds you back. Prepare the way for the new story that will begin for you around your next birthday. “Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chap-ters,” Coelho says, “it doesn’t matter what we call it; what mat-ters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

LIbrA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “On some nights I still believe,” said rascal journalist Hunter S. Thompson, “that a car with the

gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.” In 2015, I invite you to adopt some of that push-it-to-the-edge attitude for your per-sonal use, Libra. Maybe not full-time; maybe not with the same manic intensity that Thompson did. Rather, simply tap into it as needed—whenever you’ve got to up your game or raise your intensity level or rouse the extra energy you need TO ACHIEVE TOTAL, WONDROUS, RE-SOUNDING VICTORy!!! The coming months will be your time to go all the way, hold nothing back, and quest for the best and the most and the highest.

ScOrPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Twenty miles long, the Onyx River is the longest body of moving water on the continent of Antarctica. Most of the year it’s ice, though. It actually flows for just two or three months dur-ing the summer. Let’s hope that continues to be the case for the foreseeable future. It would be a shame if global warming got so extreme that the Onyx melted permanently. But now let’s talk about your own metaphorical equivalent of the Onyx: a po-tentially flowing part of your life that is often frozen. I’d love to see it heat up and thaw. I’d love it to be streaming and surging most of the time. And in 2015, I think that’s a distinct possibility. Consider making the following declaration your battle cry: I am the Flow Master!

SAGITTArIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he’s in prison.” That quote is at-tributed to both Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky and Russian author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Regardless of who said it, I urge you to keep it in mind through-out 2015. Like all of us, you are trapped in an invisible prison: a set of beliefs or conditioned re-sponses or bad habits that limit your freedom to act. That’s the bad news. The good news is that in the coming months, you are poised to discover the exact na-ture of your invisible prison, and then escape it.

Homework: Make three predic-tions about your life in 2015. Tell me at RealAstrology.com; click on “Email Rob.”


Copyright © 2014 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0707

ACROSS1 Overwhelm6 Mark a ballot10 “I Am ___ of Constant Sorrow”14 FDR had it15 Sent notes to online16 Go as fast as you can17 Mix up the letters in a former “SNL” player’s last name?20 Even score21 “I’m Like ___” (Nelly Furtado hit)22 Pretentious name for the Jan Brady fan club?28 Jong and others29 Rejoice30 Swiss potato dish31 Recipe command32 Animal with antlers35 Bizarre way an African dictator used

to close his letters?39 Ping-pong table divider40 Concoct41 Top group42 Bathroom floor item44 Person who holds property in trust45 NBA player who grew up in Istanbul?48 “There Will Be ___”49 ___ Arbor50 Howl the surname of a theater great?58 Spot on the Web59 “Fine, have it your way!”60 Student helper61 Thomas Hardy title heroine62 Prefix with physics63 “It’s always something with you!”DOWN1 Business that offers

foot massages2 Came out on top3 In the style of4 Russian plane5 Painting of a person6 YouTube rival7 “r u kidding?!”8 It can be iced or spiced9 Mag workers10 “I know you ___ what am I?”11 Bialik of “The Big Bang Theory”12 Sharp, poetically13 “___ alert!”18 Intentions19 Starbucks size22 Gradually diminish23 Drop in on24 Prefix with plasm25 Captured back26 Boot out of the country27 Do some knitting28 Ms. Brockovich31 La ___ (famed

opera house)32 Hirsch of “Into the Wild”33 Petrol amount34 Proposer’s joint36 Mosque head37 Doesn’t just think about38 Dismounted42 Fur shawls43 Last part of a classical piece44 Irishman in sunglasses45 Skateboard move46 Aggressive sellers47 Hooded coat48 Bankrupt51 He meows52 Manage (a living)53 Obtained54 Believe, as a dubious story55 Golf cart’s cousin, for short56 Fish eggs57 Like some humor

Jonesin’ Crossword MATT jONES

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I assume you already got your car the big presents for Christmas—champagne for the washer fluid reservoir, mink seatcovers, emerald tire studs. Sometimes, though, when we’re out shopping for truffle oil gear lube and mahogany bumpers, we for-get the little things, and I’m not talk-ing about ivory pedals. I mean the little things that you and your car will really appre-ciate for the next year. Some of these I hope you’ll have heard about, but it’s possible you never knew exactly why they’re good ideas.

1. A nice long driveI’d bet you’ve learned that

you should avoid short trips, and maybe something about it being bad for gas mileage. While that’s true, it’s irrel-evant because running your car for under about 10 minutes affects how long it lasts. Water is anathema to all machinery and it’s the main byproduct of cleanly burned gasoline. Short drives allow all this moisture to condense, especially in your oil and your exhaust system. Long drives get everything hot and dry it out. This is why “highway miles” are meaning-ful. There are other benefits as well, like keeping your seals swelled up. Shrivelled seals are nasty.

2. A fresh tank of gas

The problem here is water again, except this time it’s a double whammy. Possibly tri-ple. Multiple whammies, any-way. Have you ever been told to keep your tank full? Water is the reason. As air pressure and temperature change, your gas tank breathes as air is sucked

in and out. When it comes in, it brings in m o i s t u r e , which then c o n d e n s e s . Less air-space means

less room for water. Whammy number 2 is that the ethanol in gas is hydrophilic—it absorbs water. It’s also unstable and starts to break down really, re-ally fast, like in six weeks or so. Water in your fuel system makes some very expensive things like fuel injectors die. If you’re only topping off your tank every other week, take that long drive, burn off your old gas and fill it back up.

3. Shocks and strutsShocks must be the single

most neglected piece of safe-ty equipment on your car. Safety? yes: these are what actually keep your tires on the road. They have a finite lifespan that is determined by both age and use, so you can go through a set of shocks in a year if you’re on potholes ev-ery day. Struts, by the way, are just shocks that come together with coil springs. Don’t go to a national chain for this, or any-thing else. Find the local shop

in its second or third genera-tion which actually cares about its reputation and repeat cus-tomers.

4. A detailingDetailing is the manicure,

pedicure and spa treatment for your car, but it’s more than cosmetic. Detailing is an all-over in-depth cleaning that helps preserve parts of your car that don’t often get care, such as upholstery and car-pets. your car will feel newer for longer and will hold more resale and trade-in value. A good detailer will also point out little problems like dead bulbs or leaks you might never otherwise see. The golden rule of maintenance is taking care of problems as they hap-pen and not letting them build up. That’s how they get worse, more expensive and potential-ly dangerous.

5. TouchupWhether or not you’ve no-

ticed it, your car has accumu-lated many chips and scratch-es. When I bought a new car in October, I found three chips when I got it home. Small chips become bigger chips and turn into rust. That local

service shop will recommend the great local body shop who will take care of it. you might also think about repairing any more significant body prob-lems at the same time. The local shop can remove dents where a dealer would want to replace body panels.

6. A new windshieldIf your car is more than three

or four years old, pay attention the next time you’re driving at night. Hairline scratches accumulate quickly and can severely affect the amount of glare from oncoming head-lights. Windshield damage also reduces visibility in rain. What’s surprising is how easy and affordable new glass can be, because for many cars, it’s in the $300 range. If you have things like a head’s up display, rain-sensing wipers or lane-departure warning, it gets to be $500-plus. But here’s the thing: In many cases, compre-hensive insurance will cover preventive glass replacement. National glass chain Safelite not only has an online estima-tor, but will come to your car while you’re at work and do it. The difference is like night and day.

Six Presents To Get Your Car for the New YearOur car guy steers you in the right direction for 2015

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. He welcomes the inevitable and probably richly deserved kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus.

Air Bag

DAVID trAVer ADOlPHus

“Detailing is an all-over in-depth cleaning that helps preserve parts of your car that don’t often get care, such as upholstery and carpets.”


A Happy New You!

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the pulse 11.52 » december 25, 2014

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