The Port Reekly "YOU CAN'T FOOL ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME"

Weather: Hot! Isn't It?

Vol. XII. No. 27. PORT'S PADDED INFERNO -Pay No Less

Mason Given Prize Award

Latest B o o k , ' D u m b Bunny,' Released In

Soviet By Special Staff Correspondent Word has just been received

from Europe that our own Carleton Donald Wycoff Mason has been awarde a $.93 fellowship by the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics for his latest adventure story, "The Dumb Bunny." This award was made

in an attempt to undersell Macy and will enable our far famed professor of the art of spinach washing to spend the next sixty years in Russia where he will assist Lenin in counting his chickens before they're hatched.

Not long ago tne Caustic, Dynamic, Whimsical Mason was apprehended for voting in 3.2 per cent different places on the same day. He declared that he i.ad done this in an effort to become im-partial and that the habit haa grown on him as a result of ex-cessive ballot casting on Amateur nights.

Gumming Events May 10, 6:30 a. m.-^Rehearsal

for the Banaorchestra. May 12^Mr. Seeber's tap

Glass. May 13—^Assembly at thirteen

minutes after noon. Mr. S. Eleven will pass around the rabbit's foot and explain local superstitions.

May 14—Band and orchestra cinches the booby prize under heavy competition, a rally in their behalf will be held at 8:30. no refreshments.

May Id. 12:01, due to blow-out, Mr. "Van Bodegraven ar-rives in Cleveland as prize is awarded to the Tusculoosa Tooters and their leader, Luke Bellington. 2:30, Mr. Merrill makes a few announcements.

Honor Rolls Make Crispier Increase

Seraphine Finally Beats His Old Rival, D. Weitzner

The students of Port Washing-ton have becom: so brilliant that in order to be able to print an Honor Roll for the second six weeks' period the lowest average which is eligible has been raised from 90.5843 to 90,5842.

Gene Seraphine has finally over-come his old rival, Danny Weitz-ner by .00001 of a point. These two had the highest averages in the school. Seraphine's was 99.98765 and Weitzner's 99.98764.

iPaul Harrison and Benjamin Kirkup were the only two pupils suspended this six weeks. The charges brought against them were disorderly conduct and flirting in the halls.

The others who are on the Honor Roll are

Chet Jost .98.7632 Marjorie Wheeler 98.5421 Arthur Moore 98.3632 William Maxon 97.6317 Marian MoBride 97.543? Arthur Carmichael 9f7.4i2a2 Elizabeth Picardi 96,8498 Robert Lang 96.7543 Daniel Murdock 96.6754 Benjamin Murdock 96,6754 Jane Clark 98.9325 Janet Bohn 90.5642

Junior Pro m To Be May 29

No One Knows Secret Plans Of Dance

Indelible Lipstick Invented By Four Budding Scientists

* — Profs' Stage Show

Outdoes Minsky's Hawaiian Number Burns Up

Innocent Audience

The annual Junior Prom is to be held by the Junior Class the eve-ning of May 29 at 8:30 p. m. in the Port Wlashington Senior High Sohool. Port Washington, New York. It has been announced by the President of the Junior Class that there will be novel decora-tions, that punch will be served by Mrs. Allen, that the dance will end promptly at 9:30 p. m., that the committee has not yet selected an orchestra, that the floor will be waxed, that there will be ample chaperonage, that the usual low admission price will be charged, and that it is expected that the dance will be a social, as well as a flnancial. success. As yet it has not been decided where the dance will be held, but it is hoped that it will be held in either the cafe-teria or the gym.

To flll in space we will include & list of prospective couples: Col-bum Davis is expected to trip the light fantastic with Helen Pep-per. Due to lack of space we are compelled to omit the rest of the names of those attending.

Endicott Musicians Detained By State

At a recent trip of the student body of this school to a well known institution commonly called King's Park (an informal place, no doubt) several studes recognized certain members of that organization which is on a certain journey to a small, out-of-the-way place named

(Continued on Page 1, Col. 3)

Beautiful Blondes Beat Ballyhooers

Shattering all predictions, the Port Washington High School de-bating team won a remarkable victory over the Yale University Taxenses Quibblers. The subject oi the debate was "Are Blondes more attractive than blondes?" The high school team upheld the negative side and contended its point with considerable vigor. The debate at-tracted an enthusiastic ailflience who enjoyed the short free for all extremely. Lennie Romagna, the rebutalist for the high school, finished his plea with the stirring words, "Once a peroxide always a blonde!"

The judges being peroxide blondes, the prize for the debate now rests securely in the Port Washington High School trophy cabinet.

The assembly program present-ed last Friday, May 1, by the fac-ulty of the Port Washington High School was under the direction of Eugene Seraphine. The program consisted of songs, dances, and skits by various groups of the teachers.

The outstanding performance of the afternoon was Bonie Haw-thorne's Hawaiian number, with Erna Stierle, Leona Bortz, and Catherine Sammis providing the proper atmosphere in grass skirts and strumming guitars. There was but one slip in the pro-gram, when m the middle of her ballet entitled "Moonlight and Roses" Charlotte Dean tripped, gracefully, of course, over her ped-igreed chow, "Downey." Among the heavier numbers was Mildred Holt's rendering of that classical ballad, "I'se A' Muggin'," accom-panied by Theodore Siedlecki at the harp.

An excellent piece of timing was demonstrated by Alice CJormley and Mildred Griswold in their sis-ter act, "Double Trouble." The costumes for this skit, designed by Charleton D. Mason and executed by H. (Curtis Herge, were pattern-ed on the style of Bill Minsky's productions, and were extremely educational. Another dance which depended largely on timing was the delicate adagio performed by James A. Lyons and Gertrude Buckley with the aid of the chan-deliers. The latter number was under the exclusive direction of Warren "Chub" Kunz.

"The Dance of the Seven Veils" gave an Oriental slant to the after-noon when executed by Jeanne Pelton with Irene Maher stooging. Following this, a quartette, com-posed of Theophilus Dimmick, Wil-liam Merrill, Kenneth W. Brown, and Earle "Toots" Hilfiker, con-cluded the entertainment by ren-dering its version of the "Bell Song" from "Lakme."

The collection which was taken at the door following the assem-bly amounted to seven cents, 49 slugs and two suspender buttons. These unusually good returns were do-nated to our alumni in King's Park.

Novel Cosmetic Intended For Retort Dates

PICKETT APPROBATIONARY Laundrymen Expected

To Put In Kick

Reading From Left To Right Endicott. Lobert Ramberti was perfuming on his twiddle in the middle of a spacious hall; Oonkish Gonk was sliding down the slide of his bromtone with variuos mystical gyrations designed to fool the judge at aforementioned Endicott but never fails to delight his most ap-preciative audiences who respond with cartons of sUghtly used, mois-tened, fruit which is the product of a hen.

Mushki Urichski blats every other beat to make syncopated rhythm

By ALGERNON COHEN At the last regular business

meeting of the Retort, school sci-ence club, held in the rear of the Down Town Tavern last Fri-day night, several of the outstand-mg young scientists announced their latest contribution to the cause of science, a kiss-proof lip-stick that is really indelible. Hen-ry Harrison was the ring-leader of the achievement, ably assist-ed and abetted by such renowned gigolos as James Wilkie, Arthur Johnson, George E. Lien, and Ju-lian Fulleylove. The youthful in-ventors refused to take any mon-etary reward for their discovery, saying that they did it for the good of humanity and in the in-terests of secrecy.

Henry Harrison delivered an in-teresting talk on the investigation. He said that the perfected com-pound, guaranteed not to be re-movable, is a simple compound of anhydromethulen, sulphonethyme-ton, and aminobenzouldiethylazni-nomethanol, a perfectly harmless combination. There is also some hydrochloric acid to add a little tingle and a dash of aromatic spirits of applejack to improve the taste.

'Eap at Half the Price The new lipstick is available in

any of a variety of shades, in-cluding flame, raspberry, coral, orange, purple, and as a last re-sort, natural. Prices range from 10c to $2.00, depending on the quality. It is expected that the Retort members themselves will be the best customers, for obvious reasons.

The chairman said that the one drawback to the investigation had been that they had had to use Paul Harrison as their guinea pig and the members of the commit-tee were beginning to complain. He issued an earnest call for fe-male volunteers who were willing to be martyrs to the cause of science, but added jestingly that perhaps Julian Fulleylove and Jim-mie Wilkie would be sufficient in-ducement for any girl.

At the same meeting Kenneth Voeglin, John Greig, and Charles Miller were elected to membership in the Retort because of their work in inventing a new species of colorless ink.

The meeting broke up in disor-der when the pretzels ran out.

Reading From Left To Right and to aid the other bands and orchestra members dance to the tune of the Piccolino. Now is the time for . . . an introduction of the most famous saxophone solo-ist of the orchestra in the past

(Continued on Page 2, Col. 4)

OT nnrary DOCKS TOT weeKcna nse are instructed to obtain them dur-ing the school day for the Library

5sitea. especially tne Heniors. TO pay i as soon as possible as the dance is scheduled for October. School Inaugurates Ninth Y e a r in New Building

"oom^^nd" 'assembly, derations made in the

jeen en-^ h a t were

en removed, ovides more nent. Other :he repaint-jf walls and v h e repairing , in the class-

and the al-shops.

Page 2 T H E P O R T R E E K L Y May 8, 1936

if-

The Port Weekly

E D I T O R I N C H I E F

Associate Editors Arthur Cornell, Margaret Rlnehart

News Editor Frederick Turklngton Features Margaret Bacmeister Copy Desk Editor Marjorie Grllfes Sports Editors

D. Davenport, E . Jenkins, R. Mazur, B. Van Name.

Music Editor Business Manager Circulation Manager.

Published weekly during the school year by the students of the Port Washington High Schools, Port Washington. N. Y . Subscription rate; $.60 per school year; $.35 per semester; single copy, 5 cents. By mall, $1.00 per annum.

Linotyped and printed by The Township Press, Roslyn, N T .

Transportati on Problem Solved

Bannrsters W i l l Be Used In Future A s Carriers

Magnificent Obsessions

-George Keate.s Evelyn Shirk

Jean Smitli

R i t a A. Hennessy Contributors;

V. Levy. N. Keshishian, M. Anderson. T . EUiston. E . Monfort. R. Loomis, A. Wil -kie, F . Woodward. B. Templin, S. Mil -hoUand, D. Webber, D. Weltzner.

Office Staff: G . Keates, N. Frost, H. Smith, A. John-son, A. Woelfl, P. VlUanl, A. Masucci, J . Procelll, A. Pray.

F M U U T A d T i u r s

Senior High H. Curtis Herge (ingela Mailon Junior High -

V O L . X I I . NO. 27. M A Y 8, 1936

T H E S P I R I T O F F U N !

T h e s ta f f of T h e Por t Weekly

wishes to state a t th i s t i m e t h a t

every th ing ment i oned i n th i s

week's h u m o r ed i t i on was done

so i n a s p i r i t of f u n a n d w i t h o u t

any maUcious i n t e n t . We t r u s t

t h a t a l l w i l l be t a k e n i n the

way i t was i n t e n d ed a n d hope

t h a t our subscribers w i l l be

a f forded a f l eet ing m o m e n t of

amusement by our ef forts .

Ripe Hen F r u i t !

SO M E T H I N G is w r o n g some-where. Y o u have been h u n g r y

for a n egg for three days. A f r i e n d drops i n to see how you

are a n d to t e l l you t h a t you look j u s t l ike your m o t h er a n d t h a t y o u have g r o w n a foot since she last saw you.

T h e n comes the f u n . For i n t h a t f r iends h a n d is a bag a n d i n the bag are two eggs a n d you have to get one somehow!

F i r s t you t e l l t h a t f r i e n d to p u t her packages down w h i c h she does immediate ly , to your sat is fact ion , a n d t h e n you steer her over to your s tamp col lection. She becomes so entranced t h a t you are able to o b t a i n a n egg f r o m the bag she was h o l d i n g . F i n a l l y t h a t dear f r i e n d of yours decides to leave a n d you take d o w n your best blue a n d w h i t e f lowered bowl a n d open the egg i n t o your expensive treasure.

M y ! W h a t is t h a t h o r r i b l e odor d r i f t i n g largely f r o m your blue a n d w h i t e f lowered bowl? Y o u make a h u r r i e d dash for the door a n d i n your h u r r y knock over the expensive treasure bowl . T h e odor vanishes (a f ter the windows are opened) a n d you say o u t loud, " A l l t h a t t rouble f or j u s t one egg!"

Ed's no te : T h i s embryonic gem was submi t ted i n a l l seriousness for a n ed i t o r ia l . Accord ing ly i t has been treasured for th i s issue.

Not Accounted For

E, oh where, is the l a w n mower? T h e robins

are here, the Seniors have S p r i n g p^ver, everybody has a cold (ex-cept ing, of course, those who go i n for cold in ject ions , they only have synthet i c ones, but i t s t i l l i sn ' t S p r i n g to us w i t h o u t the raucous h u m of t h a t f ine A m e r i -can i n s t i t u t i o n , the automat i c grass cut ter . T h e P o r t Reekly has been faced w i t h t h e abysmal prospect of go ing out of existence u n t i l nex t f a l l because of the unprecedented phenomenon of no l a w n mower to c o m p l a i n about i n the ed i t o r ia l columns. I n the f a l l of course, the Sophomores do t h e i r one good t u r n for the year by p r o v i d i n g us w i t h m a t e r i a l for a "Welcome Sophs"

gesture. However, a t t h i s late date,

we needs m u s t take m a t t e r s i n t o

our own hands i n the t r u e Reekly

s p i r i t a n d compla in about the grass

cutter .

I n the f i r s t place, we dQn't see

w h y they have to cut the grass i n

the S p r i n g , i f th i s task were a t -

tended to i n the w i n t e r w h e n the

windows are closed, everybody

w o u l d be m u c h happier , especially

the l a w n mower m a n who m u s t

get dreadfu l ly t i r e d of being

shouted a t a l l day by teachers

f r o m classroom windows. Besides,

the machine would r u n m u c h more

quiet ly t h r o u g h the snow t h a n i t

does over the noisy grass.

Inquiring Reporter

Question 1: Do you place your

knitting needle under your right

arm, and if so, why?

Joe Augustino, a Senior, r e -

p l i e d ; "Yes, I p u t m y needle u n -

der m y r i g h t a r m to keep f r o m

j a b b i n g m y pals i n the eye. I t

keeps m y stitches nice a n d even."

Oscar Petersen, a Jun ior , sa id : "No, because I a m a i r a i d I w i l l i n j u r e .myself. I feel m u c h more secure J I have the needle i n my two hands . "

Arthur Carmichael , a Senior, s ta ted : " I use a r o u n d needle because i t leaves b o t h m y arms free. I can get a m u c h better swing to the wool th i s way . " Question 2: What method do you

employ in keeping your straps up? Stanley Smith, a Jun ior , r e -

p l i e d : " I j u s t n o n c h a l a n t l y sl ip m y h a n d inside the outer g a r -m e n t a n d give a quick l i t t l e t u g . "

Will iam Effertz, a Sophomore, s tated : " I always use a l i t t l e gold p i n . T h i s method is bo th neat a n d inconspicuous. Question 3: What hand lotion do

you prefer? Jack Wilson, a Junior , sa id : " I

l ike H i n d ' s Honey a n d A l m o n d C r e a m because i t has such a sub-tle a n d d a i n t y odor."

Sam Shiley, a Senior, r ep l i ed : " I always use I t a l i a n B a l m . I t has kept m y s k i n smooth a n d soft a l l w i n t e r . "

Robert K u n z , a Jun ior , s ta ted : " I use Jergens' L o t i o n . I never have d i shpan hands a n d i t leaves no stickiness. I used to have runs i n m y socks u n t i l I f o u n d t h a t i t was my r o u g h reddened hands t h a t caused the r u n s . " Question 4: What do you think

about Mae West?

B e n Murdock, a Senior : " I believe t h a t (censored).

Robert Clark , a Sophomore, s a i d : " I t has always seemed to m e — ( u n f i t f o r p r i n t ) .

As you were passing t h r o u g h the ha l l s i n t e n t u p o n your des t inat i on d i d you ever discover t h a t you were h o l d i n g on to the w r o n g boys h a n d , t h a t you were c a r r y i n g someone else's books, t h a t you were stepping on your o w n cana l boat. Y o u did? We expected so! A l l these ca tas t ro -

phies are due to t e r r i f i c t r a f f i p ! congestions. U p o n inves t igat ion the steps were discovered to be the m a j o r reason of delay. 'Various methods of avo id ing th i s t r a f f i c trouble have been proposed, a n d the system of s l id ing d o w n the bannisters has been proved to be most applicable.

Bannisters Wi l l Shine Cure use of the bannister w i l l

make t h e m shine w i t h splendor w i t h out i n c u r r i n g the expense of pol ish or exer t i on of the j a n i t o r . Y o u can also save wear a n d tear on shoes (a l though insurance is n o t issued against damage done to other parts of the c l o t h i n g ) .

Y o u need n o t fear the t h o u g h t I of easing yourself down the b a n -

nister , for i t is a s imple process l ike the d a r i n g recreat ion of v e n -t u r i n g down the s l ide—i f one r e -members t h a t f a r back, ^-'or those who are n o t sure of securing a happy l a n d i n g , f eathery , f l u f f y , comfortable , co lor fu l cushions w i l l be convenient ly placed a t the foot of each bannister .

A t present we are con fronted w i t h the prob lem of r a p i d ascen-sion by bann i s t e r ia l means; b u t i f E ins te in can prove p a r a l l e l l ines w i l l meet, we feel con f ident t h a t a method of go ing up the bannisters at ' top n o t c h ' speed w i l l be d i s -covered i n the near f u t u r e .

Letter To The Editor

Dear Miss Editor : O n the day before the day be-

for the day before yesterday, a l l g ir ls who w i l l s tumble across the H i g h School stage for the last t i m e he ld a meet ing under the k i n d d i re c t i on of a lady we've m e t someplace before a n d who goes d o w n on the records as Miss Esther Far l inger . I t seems t h a t the gals are required by the law a n d other strange creations to be cos-tumed for g raduat i on , to be more specific, to be c lad i n garments i n w h i t e a n d of a l e n g t h a p p r o x i m a t -i n g the h e i g h t of the g i r l i n ques-t i o n (not any classmate r e l a t i o n or other connect ion) . B u t w h a t rea l ly s tumped the y o u t h f u l f e -males was the question, of f lowers, they don ' t quite know whether i t ' s good taste to wear a few s imple blossoms i n m o u r n i n g . 'What we of the Reekly w i s h to know is w h y doesn't everyobdy wear a l i t t l e tag on his person for the three days preceding g r a d u a t i o n a n d anybody who is w i l l i n g to blow the a fore -said mademoiselle to a corsage, t i a r a , ankle brace or d r i n k s ign on the dot ted l ine . T h e n the u n -chosen women could report to the office a n d M e r r i l l could t h r o w a few simple blossoms at t h e i r feet ( w h i c h even a r e t i r e d baseball f a n ought to be able to h i t ) i n honor of the i m m i n e n t departure . I f th i s is n o t sat is factory we suggest t h a t a l l hands t r y the ten cent store for some of the most unusua l f l ower ing creations we have ye t seen. 'Why n o t be b r o a d m i n d e d — a t least i t ' s d i f f e rent .

A N O N Y M O U S

We a l l have obsessions, e i ther

good or bad. T h e source is i m -

m a t e r i a l . I t m a y be hered i tary , ac-

quired , or even purchased a t 347

S o u t h St ree t f o r $1.98. Together

w i t h obsessions we m a y inc lude

secret passions. F o r instance, i t

you knew t h a t M r . M a s o n has a p -

p l i ed any number of t imes f or

the post ion of elevator operator

i n th is b u i l d i n g , w h a t w o u l d you

say? E h , w h a t was t h a t ? O h , no,

we can ' t p r i n t t h a t . I t ' s f a r too

i m m o t r a l . A n d i f you knew t h a t

M r . M e r r i l l has a h i d d e n desire to

dr ive a r o t a r y snow-p low t h r o u g h

a r u s h - h o u r c rowd, how w o u l d you

react? N o t anaphylac t i c , I hope.

Dodds Timetable Collector M r . Dodds contents h i m s e l f w i t h

col lect ing I . R . T . a n d B . M . T . t imetables a n d s t a n d i n g n e x t to the m o t o r m a n ' s cab i n the sub -way. M r . P i c k e t t collects boulders to t h r o w a t ne ighborhood dogs ana stays awake morn ings w a i t i n g for D a n a M o r a n to come home. R i t a -Hennessy likes to leave a n ex t ra long leash fastened to her w i r e -h a i r e d so t h a t i t could s u r r o u n d s t a f f - w r i t e r s a n d strangle t h e m . M r . B r o w n likes to leave h i s foot i n the way of the subway door so t h a t the door w i l l f l y back a n d the t r a i n w o n ' t get under way u n t i l a subway g u a r d comes ana beats upon h i m . Miss Buckley says t h a t Miss Buck ley gets great e n -j o y m e n t out of r u n n i n g up escala-tors go ing down a n d p l a y i n g w i t h the se l f -opening doors i n the m a i n entrance of P e n n S t a t i o n . Lyons says t h a t there's n o t h i n g l i k e c. P l y m o u t h , but he s t i l l l ikes to w a t c h the Fords go by.

Weber CoUects Wings B i l l " B u l l Of the Pampas" Weber

is col lect ing w a t e r - w i n g s j u s t i n case there is a t i d a l wave. K e n -n e t h Iverson is co l lect ing poUce-m e n a n d vice versa. M u r d o c k & M u r d o c k are co l lect ing longshore-m e n as a possible soiu-ce of new jokes, w h i l e Mazur ' s pet obses-sion is the Estates Beach a n d a black Pont iac w i t h d r a w n shades. ( H e ' l l never l ive t h a t i n c i d e n t down.) B e n K i r k u p s t i l l st icks to U n i o n Square a n d denies most vehement ly t h a t he has the least trace of bourgoisie blood i n h is veins. To quote," I a m p r o l e t a r i a n to the bone a n d I a m p r o u d of i t . V iva S t a l i n ! "

Wilkie F o r President "Pure a n d S i m p l e " W i l k i e c o l -

lects Repub l i can c a m p a i g n speeches. Hoover buttons , Hears t editor ia ls a n d cartoons, a n d shows w h y he w o u l d make a better President t h a n Roosevelt. Jo E m m e r s on shows w h y " S t . Louis B l u e s " is better t h a n Smetana 's " T h e M o l d a u . " She also collects dr ivers of meat wagons, preferably of the H o r i t i s h c lan. A n d i n conclusion, remember the last words, of N i c k Theopo -opopulicoulos ( M r . D i m m i c k ) , " Y o u can fool some of the people some of the t ime , a n d you can fool some of the people some of the t ime , b u t you camt fool some of the people some of the t i m e . "

(Cont inued f r o m Page One) year ! Leorge G i e n is the f a m e d prod iga l , h a v i n g r e t u r n e d only last week f r o m his 55th a p a r t m e n t a n d his prac t i s ing , m a k i n g his debut under the tutelage of our very famed director . He was also at the place a forement ioned p l a y i n g on the also m e n t i o n e d sax.

THE PORT REEKLY Page 3 Written and Edited by the Students of the

Junior High School The June Porter Charlotte Stephenson Student Editor

Sights We See On that day when the dear

children made believe they were teachers they say that Jimmy Watkins beat up Odd Hope in Miss Carey's class and Miss Carey never lifted a finger to help Odd. (oh, what's the odds, she says).

They are still talking about the ruler that Eleanor Merrill broke over B. (for Batty) Mc 's desk the day Eleanor was playing teacher. Can you imagine it? And Buddy is so sweet too.

Mr. Briibaker pulled a real fast one though. He masqueraded as a youth and fooled all the pupils. Some fun, huh?

Charlie Neulist "woowed 'eta" as a teacher. Miss Mallon had to hold him back, or he'd have told all he knew in one lesson.

Then there was the little hap-pening of a pupil bringing a bouquet to Bill Griffes, who was batting for Mr. Hulbert. Dande-lions, they were. Oh boy, was Mr. Hulbert jealous!

Just ask the ones who went to County Police Headquarters. Just ask them. It makes no difference. Just ask them.

Slip Of The Pencil Note: Now maybe some of these

are all wrong, but these are the notes we found in the Snoop Box.

Mr. Haron asked Veronica Seid-lecki if she knew anything about Riverhead and she said "River stay away from my door."

Jean Smith was running up stairs one day and Mr. Keeley said, "Opoh, would you like to take a walk?" Set it to music and you'll get it.

Ray Finlay kept Mr. Lewis after school the other night because he just couldn't say goodbye. (We couldn't read the rest of the note, but it said something about Use Senn). Maybe Use was an innocent bystander.

Helen Carey says that too many girls are coming to Sports Coun-cil meeting and she doesn't like it because she likes lots of air and room.

Teddy Farrelly can recommend Bon Ami as an elegant way to get answers off a desk once they've been written there. He'll give demonstrations in Miss Armer's room anytime you say so. Or even if you don't say so.

Anything Goes Yes, anything goes. Just ask

Peggy Morris where her evening dress was going. Or ask Carl Ruroede where his pen goes and all that sort of thing.

And the music goes 'round and 'round too. If you don't believe it ask Eddy Bailey. It has him going around in circles.

And that red-headed boy In Mr. Haron's room goes 'round and 'round with that nice Catherine Gifford. They say it's spring fever, so we wouldn't worry about it. After all, what's a little spring fever between friends? And you're only young once. Thank goodness!

And why doesn't Virginia Dump-son go 'round and' round for the attendance cards anymore. That's what we want to know.

YOUTHS OVERCOME TOWN WHEN ADULTS DECIDE TO END IT ALL Schauer, Bandits, Banks, Bullets, And Fortitude Engage

In Mock Battle By B. (for Batty) McQuade

All I've got to say is that Bert Schauer was the highlight of "Youth Week," that five-day spree that we had so much fun aboutL In case you don't know it, Bert was the backbone of the Port Washington Police Department last v/eek.

Some Action As Patrolman Schauer drove the

cepartment's new police car down the main stem, he encountered 50 bank bandits armed to the teeth. One of them yawned, that's how Bert knew. After ruthlessly mow-ing down six tent caterpillars, these public enemies forced their way into the bank where they tortured banker Bobbie Brock in-to opening the safe. Their method of torture consists of scratching their fingei- nails on a blackboard until the victim gives up.

The bandits were fleeing. Schauer was fleeing after them. He must catch them. They've even stolen the door knob on the bank door. This was a time when Bert needed forti-tude. He stopped to get some. Also some gas.

More Action The bandits drove right through

a red light. They were desperate characters.

Bang, Bang, Bang,—(Schauer is shooting) Boom, Boom Boom—(the bandits reply).

Wham! The bandits have a flat tire. And just in time, for Bert is running out of fortitude again. The desperate men have climbed out of their choo-choo car. They are wolves a t bay (right in front of the town dock). They threw their guns away and advanced on Patrol-man Schauer. Things looked bad for the flat foot. Then they began their torture. Scratch, scratch, scratch went their fingernails on the blackboard. Schauer paled.

Paging Fortitude Remembering his whistle, Bert

blew a blast. He needed fortitude and what did he get? Police Chief Odd Hope and his accomplice Burr Miller.

What a blow! (I mean the one that Odd Hope gave the bandits— all fifty of them.) They swooned in a body—as one man you might say.

Bert took another dose of forti-tude and examined the booty. They'd taken the steel vault, all the old pens and blotter on the bank desks, and Mr. Benedict's smile. They'd also concealed a couple of "Pussy Cat Princess" fur coats in their hip boots.

Patrolman Schauer smiled shyly and whispered bravely, "Tell my Maw I'll always like my eggs sunny side up."

Library Acquires Books A casual visitor m our library

will get the surprise of his life from now on. Guess what? They have books in there now. No more straining of eyes to read last year's funny sheets. They've got books now.

These books, the librarian an-nounces are the best she could ob-tain.

"They have lovely red covers," said Miss Godfree when questioned. "I believe that they will all be dog-eared by next week. Of course, all books are carefully dod-eared before they are allowed to circu-late."

Speaking Of Exhibits And by the way, the exhibit

shown this week in the library is a sight for sore or crossed eyes. The subject of the exhibit is "Ths Life of the African Eskimo."

Dog sleds, old broken air rifles, elephants and Prank Buck are ail to be found in the collection whiCi. was sent to our school through the courtesy of Sears Roebuck.

Pupils are urged to visit the library and to "take a squint" at the exhibit. Miss Godfre advises against feeding Mr. Buck any peanuts as he is subject to a very cute indigestion.

REPORT CARDS ARE OUT THIS WEEK A great change was noticed in

the regular report cards which ap-peared today. The teachers were marked instead of the pupils.

Girls Fan Out With Bases FuU If things keep up as they are

now, Miss Crampton greatly fears that forty girls will be reporting for baseball practice each week. At the present time a terrifying total of thirty-five has been reached with no way of stopping the epi-demic. The seventh grades are her only hope, because they don't show up for practice at all.

Tennis is proving too dangerous and exhausting for most of the sissies. Very few girls are devils enough to swing the old racket. Miss Maher is having lessons in how to raise a racket in her gym classes. Come and bring your own racket.

Sports Council The next Sports Council Meet-

ing will probably never be held because the mice always eat the announcements off the bulletin boards. Helen Carey is going to bring her new mouse trap to school when her Pa shines It up.

Last week the gals took them-selves for a hike and it was power-ful hot. (Bet most of them hitched instead of hiking). There's going to be another stroll to Montauk Point in the near future.

Student Council Holds Meeting

Important Matters Are Settled

Excitement ran riot this week (Baker also ran when the student council gathered 'round the camp-fire for a general "gab fest". Busi-ness was kind of slow and Presi-dent willard Baker was about to ask someone for the next dance, when Miss Palmer ruled It un-constitutional.

Miss Nassau Objects Shirley Zeltlen appeared to make

a formal complaint that the pupus were calling her "Miss Nassau". She claimed that such a title was not rightfully hers since she wasn't even in the contest. This was filed under unfinished business. Miss Marriman stated that the junior high boys were throwing snowbaus at the "lil chilluns". President Baker ruled her out of order. The barber went on shaving.

Just when it seemed as though there would be no business oT any importance, someone had to drag up the old story of when the tennis and handball courts would be knocked down and dragged out. A left to the jaw settled that mat-ter in short order.

The committee appointed to see Mr. Keeley reported that they couldn't find Mr. Keeley's address. They were asked to drop dead, but to be quiet about it.

President Baker hit one of the members on the head with the gavel. Miss Palmer called ft a technical -"knockout" and everyone disappeared. It is rumored that they all went home.

Mr. Keeley announces that in the future there will be no school any day after three-thirty. Also it has been decided to hold on more school on Saturdays and Sundays. Teach-ers will not be required to at-tend school at all unless it pleases them to do so.

Home Room Meetings Prove Too Thrilling

Last Monday the homeroom meetings in the various homerooms were brought to order by their respective and respectable presi-dents. A general yawn was declared in order.

The president finished his forty winks and the secretary talked in her sleep. The council was panning the poor pupils again. A Ibvid snore rented the air. The teacher slept on.

Someone dropped a book. The teacher awoke with a start and gave the following snappy retort:

"If you people don't let me sleep in peace, I'll keep you here while I sleep during the seventh period."

BOYS BATTLE WITH BASEBALLS AND BATS

A huge mob of junior high boys stormed the althletic field, knock-ing Mr. Haron down and scaring Miss Merriman out of her wits as the baseball season opened last week.

Mr. Haron admits that Willard Baker, Bert Schauer, Buddy Zwir-lein, Eddie Grecco, and Carmine Trinchitella will be a drawback to the squad because they have had some previous experience.

The only solution Is to have someone trip them, hit them firm-ly with a bat and break their legs. They may take a hint. The team will "mix it up" with pick-up teams and outside teams.

noraiT BOOKS TOT weewma «se «isKea, especially tne seniors, to pay are instructed to obtain them dur- | as soon as possible as the dance is ing the school day for the Library scheduled for October. School Inaugurates Ninth Year in New Building

ooms and assembly, >*rations made In the

^ oeen en-tha t were

en removed, ovides more nent. Other ;he repaint-3f walls and Jie repairing In the class-and the al-shops.

P a g e 4 May 8, 1936

Port Swamps Yankees 94-3

jjast Sunday night, the super stupendous Port High baseball team defeated the New York Yankees in the final game of the Stanley Cup Series. The score at the end of 6% innings was 94 to 3. The game was called due to the fact that the umpires ran out of bases to give on balls. The game had to be played in the beanery because 'Zook' Zaremba, well known Port Hurler, keeps his arm in shape wielding a mean COCK-

tai l shaker. The game was marred by the absence of Sam Shiley, Port Captain, who was out on a date with his latest heart throb, Pat Evans. Despite his absence Trom the game, Sam made his usual two errors, showing up Monday morn-ing with two black eyes.

Blues Swamp Rowe The Port batsmen set right upon

the Yankees first pitcher. School-boy Rowe, getting 7 home runs, 13 triples, 9 doubles and six bases on balls. The Port side was finally out in the first inning when Dumpson came up to bat against Iion Warneke and forgot to bring his bat. I t was i n the Yankees half of the first inning that they got their lone three runs. Jimmy Fox was up with two out, no one on and the count three and two when he smashed a terrific home run out the front door of the beanery. He got around the bases three times before the ball could be re-treived by Chicken Boriottl . G. Carl Seeber took Shiley's place at shortstop and tried hard to f i l l his shoes but could only contribute four errors to the cause. Jumping Joe Augustino coached his usual game from center field. Oscar (small) Petersen played a sensa-tional game, making sixty-two put -outs. The stands gasped as Oscar reached over to second base and tagged T i m Glutz out as he was sliding in . The Yankees are scheduled to play Port again this year as part of a double header with the Junior High School on June 31.

S P O R T S

Baseball — Rumors are going around that many of Coach Beeper's dust biting stars have been rooked into scrawling their John Nancock on legal contracts to play with the baseball bigshots. Ted "beer baron" Siedlicki has signed up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, natives of the brewery dis-trict. Good old Ted has been secured to counterbalance the one and only "Bl imp" Phelps on the opposite end of the Brooklyn bench. Oscar "What-a-man" Peter-sen has been nailed by the spy of the New York Giants. Samuel Welles Shiley has joined the House of David nine unt i l he has earned the price of a new razor. Track—Other reports reveal that the one and only Coach "Coz" is priming his insignificant squirts for the Nazis Olympics this sum-mer. German lager wi l l do wonders for that hollow feeling, boys. Among his proteges Is the man Jack Osborn who after many strenuous hopscotch games with Miss Maher and other lovely Irish women is a likely prospect for the Hop-Skip-and-Jump event. Eggie Lewis is another sure bet i f he can keep his mind and eyes on the track.

Tennis—Seen last FYiday: Chet Jost, erstwhile tennis captain, strolling around the grounds on the first day of practice pulling on a two-for-a-nickel stogie. His plan is to lay a smoke screen for the opponent so he can put over a few aces for dear old Port's sake. I t appears that his plan didn't work out so well. He was just taken over by some anonymous individual by the score of 6—0. Plash-Flash—Your inquiring re-porter has just uncovered the scoop that Coach Ken Brown on receipt of a fine new son announced his intention to replace Pussy Mark-land with the new addition.

Dorothy Weitzner Graduate Optometrist

113 Main St., Port Washington Opp. Beacon Theatre B i d ; .

Phone Port Washington 13

A P U B L I C TRU S T P H A R M A < : Y M A f ^ C H ES O N !

PHARMACY, the sctente of preparing medicines, has always lieen considored o vttol factor in community life. The Physi-cion pro.<icri'oo» . . the Pharmacist compounds . . the Patient benefits. Thus, the PhornrKtcist, han d in han d with the Physician, «erves the cojnmumty in safeguarding its health.

PHARM ACY has made almost incredible advances since the " Day of the Alchemists" . Compounding a prescription is no longer a matter of "hit or miss". Today, Pharmacists ore Iroincd experts, registered by the State. Prescriptions are filled w i t h the utmost of ac ^ racy. The Pharmacist does his port in moo's eternal war on diseesa. f KaMacy M wches O n!

TO THE STUDENT who wishas embork on a career in Pharmacy, <he Brooklyn College of Pharmacy offers s tirec ye*r a/>c/ a four yc^r course of study, obly presented by a

fac^tty of highly (roincd i j .ecialtEts. Founded on April 71st, 1886 for the purpose of im pai ^ n g o thorough knowledgeof the Selonco of Phprmacy and its relations to Public Health, the Brooklyn Co))<»^ of Pharmacy hos jhe distinction of ; havin g taught mtifty wh o are now recognized as theoutstanding s p e c i a ^ ^ in the Profession of Pharmacy.

tULLETIN Of INFORMATION UPOMCiEOUEST. Aftar September 1936, the t h n «; y ea r Ph. G. course will be d i t c o a M ^ d by oil Phormocy Colleges in New VtMifc" Stole.

LONG I S L A N D U N I V E R S I T Y B R O O K L T N C O L L E G E OF P H & R M J I CT 600 L A F A Y E T T E A V E . Founded in 188G BROOKLYN, N . Y.

Home Towners Win Meet

Local Ambulance Chasers W i n d Up Contest

Last Saturday afternoon Port won its own invitation bunion meet gainering a total of 1093 8/o7 points. Westbury hobbled in sec-ond with a total of 1093 7/57 points, while Stanford and Ohio State secured third and fourth place respectively. I t maybe well to notice that Manhasset was the first team in history to end up with a minus score. I t seems that one of these boys took a right about face in one of the races and started to run the other way. Probably was a member of the Redbirds and decided to go North for the season.

I t was a great sight to the home town boys running and jumping themselves dizzy, surprising as i t may seem but Coach Costello has been able to get up a winning team in spite of their numerous cases of fallen arches, varicose veins, flat feet and whatnot.

The meet was attended by about five hundred and twenty-one spectators and six hundred f i f ty officials. The affair was brought to a dramatic close when one of the entires from City College of New York grabbed the winner's cup and tried to breeze out but was caught by practically the whole Blue and White track squad who set a new sprint record doing so.

Masculine Tiddley-Winks

May 12—R u s s i a n Military Academy—Mustcow, Russia. May 13—School For Deaf and

Dumb ShKiins—Kimberly, South Africa.

May 14—(French Demi-tasse School—^Berlin, Germany.

May 15—Sing Sing P r e y -Sing Sing, New York.

May 16—Oxford High .School —England.

May 17—Switzerland Naval Academy—Basle, Switzerland.

May 18—New York Y. M. H. A.—Brooklyn, New York.

A Lovely L u n c h

A D u c k y Waiter

A l l A t Bernings

F o r A Q u a r t e r !

Jayvees Clip Varsity I n Easy Victory

The Jayvees easily defeated the varsity in a hard fought contest last Monday afternoon. The game which started out to be a t igni affair found the Jayvees ahead by 47 to 19 at the end of the ninth inning. "Zook" Zaremba, Port's mound rookie, was knocked out of the box just before the game started. The Jayvees were piUdied to victory by the control artist Jack Osborne. This marks the first consective victory for the Jayvees who are apparently going places this year.

The box score: Vars i ty 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 19—19 Jayvees . 2 2 2 6 7 7 2 19 x—47

A V I A T I O N TR A I N I N G Complete courses In Sp ort or Prsfesslei M l n y l M a* d M ockoales. M oelnalcal trahitaM leclodas p ract ica l • • g leee r le q , octeol work M live medeni eegines ae d l lc m se d a ir -p l o M S . H ighest 6 e v a r a i M i i t r o t ta q . I 4 M I t ralalu g lecat lea ea Roosevelt R a i d , erada^ • t e s saccessf al. Free ^ l a c e a w a t la r v la e .

For b oeUet M OSIVBT A VUn O N SCHOOL, I N C , MtoMta. ILT.

Daytime and Evening courses in Accoontoncv ( C . P . A . or Business), Bvsinen AdniniM rotion,Sae-retaria I Practice, Shorthand Reporting, Moricsting, Advertiiing and Selling. Field studies ol New York business. Courses include both business and cuHvrol subjects. Men and women. Phone BArcloy 7-8S00.

P A C E I N S T I T U T E , 2 3 5 B r o a d w a y , N . Y .

B ORO U G H H A L L D I V IS I O N

SUMMER SESSION JUNE 3 and 22

C O L L E G E of A RT S and S C IE N C E S D ay an d Ev e n i n g C o urs es l ea d i n g to degree B. S. or in pre p ara t i o n f or L a w Sc h o o l . Fall Term Sept. 14.

S C H O O L of L A W T hr e e - y e a r Day or Ev e n i n g C o urs e l e a d i n g to degree o f L L . B. Post Gra d u a t e C o urs e l ea d i n g to degree J . S. D . or L L . M . Fail Ter m Sept. 2 1 .

SC H O O L of C O M M ERC E D ay or Ev e n i n g C o urs es l ea d in g to d e gree B. S. in E c o n . , or B .B . A . f or H i g h Sc ho o l T e a c h -ing an d in pre p ara t i o n f or L a w Scho o l an d C e r t i e d Pu b l i c A c c o u n t i n g Exa m i n a t i o n s . Fall Ter m Sept. 22.

C O L L E G E of P H A R M A C Y D ay C o urs es l ea d i n g to d e gree Ph . C , P h . C . an d B. S. in pre p ara t i o n f or M e d i c i n e an d D ru g , C h e m i c a l a n d B i o l o g i c a l f i e l d s . Classes begin Sept. 21.

Re g is t er—96 Schermerhorn St., Brooklyn, N . Y . Telephone T R iangle 5-0150