the other victims of pornography establishing boundaries with loved ones lili anderson, ph d...
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The Other Victims of The Other Victims of PornographyPornography
Establishing Boundaries
with Loved Ones
Lili Anderson, Ph D
Protecting Children & Families From
Pornography
November 1, 2003
Lilianderson.com
Effects of Pornography on a Effects of Pornography on a Marriage Relationship Marriage Relationship
Loss of emotional intimacy Sexual demandingness Unfaithfulness Loss of common interests and concerns Escalation of negative factors, decrease of positive
factors in the relationship Loss of sensitivity
Addictions Experienced by Addictions Experienced by Family Members of Family Members of
Pornography AddictsPornography Addicts Patrick CarnesPatrick Carnes
Chemical dependency 42% Eating disorder 38% Compulsive working 28% Compulsive spending 26% Compulsive gambling 5%
Partner ResponsePartner Response
GrievingLashing OutBegging/PleadingGrabbing/HoldingAppeasementPassivity
Partner may try to compete -- Partner may try to compete -- increasing frequency of sex to keep the focus increasing frequency of sex to keep the focus
on the relationshipon the relationship
The partner ends up feeling more and more objectified as they end up
“competing” with pornographic images.
Deal with Your EmotionsDeal with Your Emotions
Understand that when our basic needs are threatened, anger, pain, grief, fear, stress, and other negative emotions are generated.
The most common response to such negative emotions is a combination of –– Expressing the anger – Repressing the anger
Expressing AngerExpressing Anger
Is damaging to relationshipsIs not an effective means of communicationDoesn’t resolve problems
Repressing AngerRepressing Anger
Damages the self– “Volcano Effect”– Displacement– Depression– Physiological Problems
Instead of ExpressingInstead of Expressingor Repressing - or Repressing -
Emotional Support, then - Rational Problem Solving
Emotional SupportEmotional Support
Need to achieve “Catharsis”– Cleansing through Expulsion– Comes from Acceptance (not approval) of
feelingsThree major resources for Catharsis
– Trusted Listener– Writing– Spiritual Resources
Rational Problem SolvingRational Problem Solving
Need for InformationNeed for Clear ThinkingNeed for Commitment
Try to Understand the Try to Understand the ProblemProblem
Roots of the problem are almost always in the past of the addict
Don’t try to understand from a Don’t try to understand from a woman’s perspective -- woman’s perspective --
Women are “Crockpots”More focus on intimacy, shared experience and emotional exchange.
Men are “Microwaves”Lust builds to become a driving force
with pornography addicts.
Women, because of emotional/physical connection are hurt very deeply.
Men may have a hard time understanding the depth of women’s pain.
10 Things Women Should Know --10 Things Women Should Know --
1. You are not the source of the problem.
2. You are not responsible for his behavior.
3. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.
4. You are not the source of the problem.
5. You are not responsible for his behavior.
6. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.
7. You are not the source of the problem.
8. You are not responsible for his behavior.
9. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.
10. Repeat the above as necessary.
“Confrontation is really your only power.”
Marsha MeansAuthor who wrote about her husband’s struggle with pornography
Addict’s Response to Addict’s Response to ConfrontationConfrontation
Denial Admission, but refusal to take
meaningful steps to address the problem
Next Step -- Next Step -- Confront with “Witnesses”Confront with “Witnesses”
Business partnersFriendsClergyAdult Family MembersNOT CHILDREN
You should separateYou should separateIFIF
you or your children are being:you or your children are being:
Exploited Victimized Enduring ongoing verbal abuse Enduring emotional cruelty
If separation occurs --If separation occurs --
Make it real.
Total separation forces a spouse to see what losing his or her family completely would be like.
Be reasonable in your expectations of his or her ability to change
Maintain your own standardsBelieve change can occur and be aware of
positive changes
Important “Don’ts”Important “Don’ts”
Don’t ignore the signs of your partner’s double life Don’t accede to your partners unhealthy sexual demands Don’t tolerate abusive behavior toward yourself or your
children Don’t place yourself at risk for serious disease Don’t cover up for your partner’s behavior by lying or
making excuses for him to bosses, coworkers, friends and family