the other victims of pornography establishing boundaries with loved ones lili anderson, ph d...

26
The Other Victims of The Other Victims of Pornography Pornography Establishing Boundaries with Loved Ones Lili Anderson, Ph D Protecting Children & Families From Pornography November 1, 2003 Lilianderson.com

Upload: donald-johnston

Post on 26-Dec-2015

242 views

Category:

Documents


0 download

TRANSCRIPT

The Other Victims of The Other Victims of PornographyPornography

Establishing Boundaries

with Loved Ones

Lili Anderson, Ph D

Protecting Children & Families From

Pornography

November 1, 2003

Lilianderson.com

Effects of Pornography on a Effects of Pornography on a Marriage Relationship Marriage Relationship

Loss of emotional intimacy Sexual demandingness Unfaithfulness Loss of common interests and concerns Escalation of negative factors, decrease of positive

factors in the relationship Loss of sensitivity

Addictions Experienced by Addictions Experienced by Family Members of Family Members of

Pornography AddictsPornography Addicts Patrick CarnesPatrick Carnes

Chemical dependency 42% Eating disorder 38% Compulsive working 28% Compulsive spending 26% Compulsive gambling 5%

Partner ResponsePartner Response

GrievingLashing OutBegging/PleadingGrabbing/HoldingAppeasementPassivity

Partner may try to compete -- Partner may try to compete -- increasing frequency of sex to keep the focus increasing frequency of sex to keep the focus

on the relationshipon the relationship

The partner ends up feeling more and more objectified as they end up

“competing” with pornographic images.

What am I supposed to do?What am I supposed to do?

Deal with Your EmotionsDeal with Your Emotions

Understand that when our basic needs are threatened, anger, pain, grief, fear, stress, and other negative emotions are generated.

The most common response to such negative emotions is a combination of –– Expressing the anger – Repressing the anger

Expressing AngerExpressing Anger

Is damaging to relationshipsIs not an effective means of communicationDoesn’t resolve problems

Repressing AngerRepressing Anger

Damages the self– “Volcano Effect”– Displacement– Depression– Physiological Problems

Instead of ExpressingInstead of Expressingor Repressing - or Repressing -

Emotional Support, then - Rational Problem Solving

Emotional SupportEmotional Support

Need to achieve “Catharsis”– Cleansing through Expulsion– Comes from Acceptance (not approval) of

feelingsThree major resources for Catharsis

– Trusted Listener– Writing– Spiritual Resources

Rational Problem SolvingRational Problem Solving

Need for InformationNeed for Clear ThinkingNeed for Commitment

Try to Understand the Try to Understand the ProblemProblem

Roots of the problem are almost always in the past of the addict

Don’t try to understand from a Don’t try to understand from a woman’s perspective -- woman’s perspective --

Women are “Crockpots”More focus on intimacy, shared experience and emotional exchange.

Men are “Microwaves”Lust builds to become a driving force

with pornography addicts.

Women, because of emotional/physical connection are hurt very deeply.

Men may have a hard time understanding the depth of women’s pain.

10 Things Women Should Know --10 Things Women Should Know --

1. You are not the source of the problem.

2. You are not responsible for his behavior.

3. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

4. You are not the source of the problem.

5. You are not responsible for his behavior.

6. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

7. You are not the source of the problem.

8. You are not responsible for his behavior.

9. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

10. Repeat the above as necessary.

“Confrontation is really your only power.”

Marsha MeansAuthor who wrote about her husband’s struggle with pornography

Addict’s Response to Addict’s Response to ConfrontationConfrontation

Denial Admission, but refusal to take

meaningful steps to address the problem

Next Step -- Next Step -- Confront with “Witnesses”Confront with “Witnesses”

Business partnersFriendsClergyAdult Family MembersNOT CHILDREN

How far are you prepared to go?

Where there is no direct threat --

Separation should be the exception,

not the rule.

You should separateYou should separateIFIF

you or your children are being:you or your children are being:

Exploited Victimized Enduring ongoing verbal abuse Enduring emotional cruelty

If separation occurs --If separation occurs --

Make it real.

Total separation forces a spouse to see what losing his or her family completely would be like.

Be reasonable in your expectations of his or her ability to change

Maintain your own standardsBelieve change can occur and be aware of

positive changes

Important “Don’ts”Important “Don’ts”

Don’t ignore the signs of your partner’s double life Don’t accede to your partners unhealthy sexual demands Don’t tolerate abusive behavior toward yourself or your

children Don’t place yourself at risk for serious disease Don’t cover up for your partner’s behavior by lying or

making excuses for him to bosses, coworkers, friends and family