The Marriage Formula 16th June, 2013

This is a transcript of a lecture given by Sister Eman al Obaid. We ask Allah subhana wa ta’ala for His forgiveness and His

Mercy. Anything that is good from these notes is from Allah subhana wa ta’ala. Any mistakes & misrepresentations are my

own. I ask Allah subhana wa ta’ala for His forgiveness and to put forgiveness in the hearts of those who read them.

JazakAllah Khairan

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Introduction

Allah tells us in Quran about marriage that it is one of the signs of Allah.

What sign?

Marriage is a sign and proof of oneness of Allah. It is to prove the Tawheed.

All signs should lead us to believe in the Oneness of Allah. This is a sign of

Allah and a natural way. See the husband and wife both are coming from the

same kind i.e. human beings. Who puts the love between husband and wife?

Only Allah can put love in there heart and unite them in order to complete

them. One of the Names of Allah is Al Wadood i.e. the One who loves. Allah

unites the heart of the husband and wife and put affection and mercy in this

relationship.

Common reasons to get married

Family pressure; some people just get married because their parents

tell them to do so.

Habit; some people get married just because everyone is getting

married.

Physical needs; some people think that they cannot control their

desires so they get married.

Work; some people need someone to work for them so they get married.

They make a contract that one will work outside and the other will

work at home and they make it like a company.

Children; some people want to have children so they get married.

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The real reason

A way to get close to Allah

Every culture has a reason and the people go accordingly. The most

important reason is forgotten and needs to be revived. The most important

reason to get married is a “waseela”. It is a way to draw youself close to

Allah. Alhamdullilah for Allah blessed us with Islam that we live for the sake

of Allah alone. We need to renew our intentions in order to get married so

that we get rewarded and we should not lose this chance to gain maximum

reward for ourself. If the husband and wife want to seek the pleasure of Allah

then marriage is a good deed.

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that some people from among the companions of

the Prophet said to the Prophet : “O Messenger of Allaah, the rich people

will get more reward. They pray as we pray, and they fast as we fast, but they give

in charity from their excess wealth.” He said, “Has not Allaah given you things with

which you can give charity? Every tasbeehah (saying ‘Subhaan Allaah (Glory be to

Allaah)’) is a charity. Every Takbeerah (saying ‘Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most

Great)’) is a charity. Every Tahmeedah (saying ‘al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to

Allaah)’ is a charity. Every Tahleelah (saying ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (there is no god

but Allaah)’) is a charity. Enjoining what is good is a charity. Forbidding what is evil

is a charity. Having intercourse (with one’s wife) is a charity.” They said, “O

Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils his desire, is there reward in that?” He said,

“Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way he will have the burden of sin? So

if he does it in a halaal way, he will have a reward for that.”

(Narrated by Muslim, 1674)

Every deed is judged by intention so we need to check our intentions for

getting married.

Obey Allah

When you get married you are obeying Allah as you are fullfilling your desire

in the Halaal way.

Sunnah of the Prophet

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: Three

people came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet asking about the worship of

the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). When they were told, it was as

if they regarded it as too little. They said: Who are we in comparison to the Prophet ?

Allaah has forgiven his past and future sins. One of them said: As for me, I will pray all

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night forever. Another said: I shall fast all my life and never break my fast. Another said:

I shall keep away from women and never get married. The Messenger of Allaah

came and said: “Are you the ones who said such and such? By Allaah, I am the one who

fears Allaah the most among you and I am the most pious, but I fast and I break my fast, I

pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of

me.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5063) and Muslim (1401).

Don’t forbade yourself from something Allah made lawful on you and indulge

into Haraam.

Advice of the Prophet

Prophet adviced us to get married so we should be getting married as per

his advice.

Protect yourself from Haram

“And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts from illegal sexual acts).Except

from their wives or the (women slaves) whom their right hands possess for (then) they

are not blameworthy.But whosoever seeks beyond that, then it is those who are

trespassers”

[al-Ma’aarij 70:29-31]

Protection of the heart from whispers of Satan

Protect your heart form evil thoughts and whisper of Satan so that you don’t

fall into commiting Haraam.

A way to get into Paradise

Marriage if done for the sake of Allah will take you to paradise.

“If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan),

guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter

Paradise by whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.” Narrated by

Ahmad (1664)

Just by performing the obligatory part of Deen, saving her self from Haraam

and obeying her husband she gets a huge reward. Each door of paradise is for

a specific act of worship. She will be called from all gates of paradise to enter

from whereever she wishes.

Righteous offspring

To have righteous offsprings is one of the reasons. Prophet (Sallaho alihi

wasslam) encouraged to have more children so that we increase Ummah

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Muhammad . Your children will be Sadaqah jariah (ongoing charity) for

you. Righteous offspring will be dutiful to you when you are alive and will do

good deeds which will benefit you after you die. Some people say that we

don’t want to have kids as they cannot afford or some other reasons.

Remember Allah is the nurturer and provider and He will feed them and take

care for them.

S t ages o f m arr iage

Choosing a righteous parntner

Usually people chose on the basis of money, looks and beauty. According to

islam a woman needs to look Deen(religion) and ikhlaaq(character) when

chosing a husband.

The Prophet said: “If there comes to you (to propose marriage to your daughter

etc.) a man with whose religious commitment and attitude you are pleased, then

marry (your daughter) to him.”

The person you want to mary should fear Allah. If someone is not good to

Allah Who provided him with so much how will he be good to you. Now adays

people see wealth and ignore Deen saying that Allah will give hidaya.

Remember that the Lord who gives hidaya also gives Rizq(provision) so

marry a poor but the one who fears Allah. We need to enquire from the people

we are ommunicating for marriage whether they pray five times Salah or not.

Choose what pleases Allah. Even if the person is not rich. Marriage is a

means of richness. Allah will provide you with provision and he has taken

charge for that. Succes is if the person is religious. Prophet asked us to

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see two things that make a complete personality. Religion is his relation with

Allah and character is his relation with people.

For a man to chose a righteous wife;

The Prophet encouraged marrying women who are religiously committed, as he said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may your prosper).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5090; Muslim, 1466.

Now a days people see only the three things except religion. The only

everlasting thing will be her religion and rest of the three will fade away with

time.

Now we might wonder where we can find our ideal partners. How can we find

such people? The shortcut to this is to ask Allah. The means will come in

front of you. This is a matter of faith.

One man came to Hassan (Radi Allah Anho) and asked him I have a

daughter for whom I am looking a suitable spouse. Hassan (Radi Allah anho)

advised him choose someone who fears Allah (Muttaqi). He said if he loved

her he will honor her and even if he hated her he will be just and not oppress

her.

Now a days we see that divorce rate is increasing and illegal relationships

are common. This is because the foundation is weak when choosing a partner.

We commit mistakes and then regret later so we need to choose as advised by

our Deen. According to a Hadith a good spouse is one of the greatest delights

of the world.

If you find a righteous spouse you are not allowed to enter into a relationship

before marriage. Both of them will be harmed but the girl will be harmed

more as she gets emotionally attached. Allah wants to protect women like a

pearl. No one can touch women if they want to. A woman is not an object to

play with. If you start the relationship with Haraam then what will it become

later. When you find a good proposal then do consult Allah by doing Istikhara

which should be done by the girl and the boy themselves. Rely on Allah He

will give you the best.

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Proposal (Al khutba fil islam)

The man should ask for the hands of the lady to the Wali of the girl who is

her father. In case she does not have father then it’s the paternal uncle and

in case he is not there then its paternal grand father and in case he is not

there then its brother. For a girl who has no wali then the Qazi (judge)

becomes the wali. The father should ask for the girls consent and it should be

proceeded only if the girl agrees.

From al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah: “I proposed marriage to a woman, and the

Messenger of Allaah said: ‘Have you seen her?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between you.’” According to another report: “So he did that, and he married her and mentioned that they got along.” (Reported by al-Daaraqutni, 3/252 (31, 32); Ibn Maajah, 1/574)

The man can see the women but this should be without her realizing. The

woman is not allowed to adorn her with tons of make up when a man comes

to see her. The maximum she can do is to put kohl in her eyes and use

Henna.

From Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah: “The Messenger of Allaah said: ‘If one of you proposes marriage to a woman, if he can look at her to see that which will encourage him to go ahead and marry her, then let him do so.’ I proposed marriage to a young woman, and I used to hide where I could see her, until I saw that which encouraged me to go ahead and marry her, so I did so.’” According to another report he said, ‘a young woman of Bani Salamah. I used to hide from her, until I saw that which

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encouraged me to go ahead and marry her, so I did so.” (Saheeh Abi Dawood, no. 1832, 1834)

The two families can exchange gifts among them before marriage. The

concept of engagement taken from the West is wrong. If you exchange rings

with the belief that this ring is something sacred if removed it then

something bad will happen. The man and the woman cannot hold hands and

take pictures before Nikah. They can communicate with each other but with

restrictions. They cannot talk alone and should be accompanied by some

Mahram between them.

“No man is alone with a woman but the Shaytaan is the third one present.” Narrated by

al-Tirmidhi (1171) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

Gradually shaitan will pull you and make you commit Haraam. Don’t ever

think that you are religious and you will not do anything. Shaitan does not

know any nationality and he will advise you to do wrong.

Marriage contract (Aqd al Qiraan)

Now the next stage is for the marriage contract to take place between the

two. Some people have a misconception that the marriage contract should

take place at a certain place, date and time. This is a misconception. There is

no such evidence in the Sunnah to specify some date, place or time for Nikah.

The girl does not needs to be present in the place of marriage contract. The

marriage contract takes place between the girl’s wali (father) and the groom.

There should be two witnesses from both sides for the Nikah. The wali of the

girl will say to the groom that I will make you marry my daughter and the

groom will say I accept it. It is opposite to the proposal as there the groom

asks and the wali accepts. Finally the signatures of the judge, wali ,bride,

groom and the witnesses will take place.

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After this they become husband and wife in front of Allah. To read certain

specific surahs is a Bidah at the Nikah ceremony.

You can congratulate the bride and groom with the following duaa’

This is a beautiful duaa taught by Prophet

Mahr

Now the groom should give the bride some Mahr. Mahr is the right of the girl

and not the right of her father and relative. She can spent that money as she

wishes. The minimum Mahr is explained in the hadith below.

Narrated Sahl bin Sad As-Sa'idi: A woman came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have come to give you myself in marriage (without Mahr)." Allah's Apostle looked at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, "O Allah's Apostle! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me." The Prophet said, "Have you got anything to offer?" The man said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said (to him), "Go to your family and see if you have something." The man went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, I have not found anything." Allah's Apostle said, "(Go again) and look for something, even if it is an iron ring." He went again and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet)." He had no rida. He added, "I give half of it to her." Allah's Apostle said, "What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will be naked, and if she wears it, you will be naked." So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called

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back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."

Best Nikah is as simple as possible with the least amount of wastage of

money. This Mahr is wrongly taken as we are buying a girl which is totally

wrong concept. This Mahr is given to show that the groom will take care of

the bride. He is showing that he can take her responsibility.

Wedding ceremony

Wedding ceremony is an announcement for the people that these two are

getting married. We should be avoiding some things at the wedding ceremony

that is not allowed.

Avoid

Mixing of the men and women. Don’t disobey Allah at the time of your

wedding. Now a days people say that this is modernization but in real

we are allowing people to commit so many sins because of this mixing.

In some cultures it is a practice that the groom is dragged to the bride

and there he kisses her and hugs her in front of everyone. This practice

is totally wrong and against modesty. Later we say that we don’t

understand how we had bad eyes. By this practice you are inviting

people to get jealous and do comparison.

Wasting money. Don’t waste money on branded clothes and

accessories, doing the ceremony in five or seven star hotels and

competing with others and trying to do more than them. The more you

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waste on your wedding the lesser will be the Barakah(blessings) .Do

whatever you can afford easily and not to show off people.

Musical instruments. Musical Instruments are from Shaitan. In islam

only Daff is allowed which is a drum open from one side. Just to make

it exciting you are inviting Shaitan. People totally lose their senses at

weddings and start to dance and sing songs which are extremely

disrespectful and vulgar. If you displease Allah in the beginning then

what would be the result later?

Etiquettes of marriage (First night)

The Sunnah of Rasool also teaches us how we should be behaving with

our spouse in the first night. Islam is a complete Deen. The husband needs to

be very gentle with the wife. Intercourse should be preceded by kind words,

playfulness and kisses. The Prophet used to play with his wives and kiss

them.

He should treat his bride kindly and gently, like offering her something to drink and so on, because of the hadeeth narrated by Asmaa’ bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakan, who

said: “I prepared ‘Aa’ishah as a bride when she married the Messenger of Allaa . I came to him and invited him to see her (uncover her face). So he came and sat beside her, and a large cup of milk was brought to him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) drank some, then offered it to her, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I rebuked her and said: ‘Take it from the hand of the Prophet

.’ So she took it and drank a little, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, ‘Give some to your companion (meaning himself).’” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad and deemed saheeh by al-Albaani)

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He should place his hand on his bride’s head and pray for her, saying “Bismillaah” and asking for barakah (blessing), saying the words reported in the hadeeth narrated by ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas, who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When one of you marries a woman, let him say: ‘Allaahumma inni as’aluka khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha ‘alayhi wa a’oodhu bika min sharriha wa min sharri ma jabaltaha ‘alayhi (O Allaah, I ask You for her goodness and the goodness which You have created in her, and I seek refuge with You from her evil and the evil which You have created in her).’” Abu Dawud said that Abu Sa’eed added: “Then let him take hold of her forelock and pray for blessing from this woman” (Reported by Abu Dawud in al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Baab fi jaami’ al-nikaah; classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 341)

He should pray two rak’ahs with her, leading her in prayer. There are two reports concerning this. (i) from Abu Sa’eed, the freed slave of Abu Usayd, which

states that a group of the Companions of the Prophet taught him and told him: “When your wife comes in to you, pray two rak’ahs and ask Allaah for the goodness of what has come to you, and seek refuge with Him from its evil.” (ii) from Shaqeeq, who said: “A man called Abu Hareez came and said (to ‘Abdullaah ibn Mas’ood, may Allaah be pleased with him): ‘I have married a young virgin girl, but I am afraid that she may hate me.’ ‘Abdullaah said: ‘Love comes from Allaah and hatred comes from Shaytaan, who wants to make you hate what Allaah has made permissible. When she comes to you, tell her to pray two rak’ahs behind you.’” (These two reports were narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah; see Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani).

When he wants to consummate the marriage, he should say the words reported in the hadeeth reported by Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him and his

father) from the Prophet who said: “When one of you wants to approach (have intercourse with) his wife, if he says: ‘Bismillahi Allaahumma jannibna al-Shaytaan wa jannib al-Shaytaan ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, protect us from Shaytaan and protect whatever You give to us from Shaytaan)’ – then if they are given a child, Shaytaan will not harm it.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, no. 3271)

Then they can do Wudu and sleep or have ghusl. The next day the husband

can visit his parents and family.

Valima

Providing the wedding feast (waleema) is the husband’s responsibility. The

sunnah is to slaughter one sheep or more for the guests, if he is able to.

The Prophet said to ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf, “Give a wedding feast, even if it is only one sheep.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, no. 2048).

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Rights and responsibilities of husband and wife

We will be doing the mutual rights which both of them should consider at all

times.

Al Amanah

They should not betray each other by having extra marital relations which is

a major sin. Secondly they should also not spread secret about each other

which is related to intimate relations. This is prohibited as per the following

hadith.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet turned to the men and said, “Is there any man among you who, when he comes to his wife, he locks the door, throws his blanket over himself and conceals himself with the cover of Allaah?” They said, “Yes.” He said, “And does he sit after that and say, ‘I did such and such, and I did such and such?’” They remained silent. Then he turned to the women and said, “Is there anyone among you who speaks (of private marital matters)?” They remained silent. Then a buxom young girl sat up tall so that the Messenger of Allaah

would see her and hear her words, and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, (the men)

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speak and (the women) speak.” He said, “Do you know what the likeness of that is? The likeness of that is that of a female devil who meets a male devil in the street and he fulfils his desire with her when the people are looking on.”

Love and compassion

Husband and wife need to show love to each other. They need to show

affection and care for each other and be very kind. This is the Halaal way so

that you do not go after Haraam. We usually see that the love is there in the

beginning and later it fades away with time. You need to keep love alive and

keep on trying ways from which your love is revived. After being a mother

remember that you are a wife first. Don’t forget your husband just because of

your kids. Don’t leave the things you used to do for each other in the

beginning even after forty or fifty years of marriage. Always show that you

have time for each other. Prophet Muhammad loved Khadija (Radi Allah

anho) even after she died. If you love each other for the sake of Allah then

this love will not fade away ever. Don’t expect from each other. Your reward

lies with Allah. He will give you in return so whatever you do; do it for the

sake of ALLAH’s pleasure.

Trust

Both of you should trust each other. Even if your partner does not do his/her

part you should focus on what you should do because it’s between you and

Allah. Don’t spy on each other or ask weird questions. When you spy on each

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other the relationship is destroyed. You don’t need to go behind them and

trust Allah in this case and pray for each other.

Good character

They should have the best character with each other. Some people are good to

the whole world and worst with their spouse. Always smile at each other and

never ever frown.

“The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895

You will be rewarded for being good to your spouse so don’t expect from each

other and keep on being good you will get your reward from Allah.

Help each other in goodness.

Encourage each other and support each other to do good deeds. Make it easy for them to

perform good deeds and don’t become an obstacle in the way to Jannah. Encourage your

husband to go to the Masjid. Once a man came to the sheikh and said that I hate my wife

and I want to divorce her as I cannot stand her at all. The sheikh advised him to wait for

one week and pray Tahajjud with her at night daily and after these seven days he can

divorce her. This is the advice of Prophet Muhammad that the husband and wif

should wake each other for Tahajjud. After a long time the sheikh met this man and asked

that he divorced his wife. The man replied no how can I divorce her I love her so much

now. So develop love among each other through this. This shows that you love each other

for the sak of Allah. If you obey Allah then He will develop love among you.

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Emotional support

We go for emotional support to the one who understands us. Try to

understand each other and support each other emotionally. Don’t say

anything wrong at such sensitive moments. Be with each other in happy and

sad moments. Show each other that you care and get affected by their

emotions.

Abu Darda (Radi Allah Anho) when got married told his wife that whenever

you see me angry then try to calm me down and I will do the same for you.

Don’t get angry together if one is not in a good mood the other should cheer

up and try to calm the situation in order to avoid clashes.

Beautify yourself

Beautify yourself for each other. People look their best in parties and worst at

home. Prophet Muhammad forbade the husbands to approach their wives

by surprise. When they are coming to them then they should inform them so

that they can remove unwanted hairs. You will get reward for beautifying

yourself for your spouse so spend your money here. This applies to both the

husband and wife. Ibn Abbass (Radi Allah Anho) said that as I want my wife

to beautify for me in the same way I want to beautify myself for her.

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Sometimes people get discouraged because they don’t get appreciation from

their spouse. Remember that you are doing this for Allah and hence keep on

doing it. You are responsible for satisfying your spouse for their sexual needs.

The wife cannot stop her husband from intimacy as this is a big sin. Don’t

make excuses that you are tired. Do it for the sake of Allah there is reward in

this act also.

Report narrated by al-Bukhaari (32370 and Muslim (1436) from Abu Hurayrah

(may Allaah be pleased with him), that the Prophet said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she does not come to him, and he goes to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.”

Forgive

In some cases your spouse is not doing what you expect from them. Don’t

become hasty and deal with such situations with patience. If we forgive and

overlook then that is good for our own self. Look for the good points in each

other and overlook the bad points. Prophet Muhammad advised to the

husband;

“No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.” Narrated by Muslim (1469) from Abu Hurayrah.

Don’t argue and dispute on small matters. When it comes to worldly matters

then agree with each other. In matters on Deen you need to follow Allah and

His Rasool only.

The Prophet said “I guarantee a house in the outskirts of Paradise to the one who forsakes argument even when he is in the right.” (Reported by Abu Dawood, 5/150; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1464).

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Conclusion

After knowing the journey of marriage; remember that this life is a transit

and temporary. Successful marriage is not a marriage that has no clashes or

arguments. A successful marriage is the one that draws you close to Allah.

Don’t compete with each other rather complete each other. Don’t show each

other ego and pride they are a poison to the relationship. This relationship is

a test for both husband and wife.

You need to be realistic there will be problems but it all depends on how you

react to them. Just let it go and forgive each other for the sake of Allah.

Never involve others in your problems. This will just make the situation

worse. Satan hates a loving husband and wife relation he will try his best to

create hatred among you both so defeat the Satan by having the best

character with your spouse. These problems are hidden blessings as you will

get reward each time you defeat Satan.

There is no complete happiness in this world. The only complete happiness is

in Paradise. Your aim should be to gather with each other in Paradise. When

you go to Paradise both of you will be reformed. Successful marriage is that

in this world you overlook each other’s mistakes get close to Allah and enter

paradise. In paradise everything will be perfect and forever. There will be no

shortcomings in Paradise. If one of the spouse gets higher rank in Jannah the

other will be elevated to that rank by the mercy of Allah as Allah says “And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has earned” [at-Toor 52:21].