the leek- college and love

8/14/2019 The Leek- College and Love

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T H EL E E K

I F I T BLEEDS,I T LEADSI F IT BURN S,I T EARN S

I F Y OU EXPERI ENCE BOTH-CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR


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Continues page 3

he Police Minutessee Local page 10

A Message FromGeneric University

see page 2

s Raining Men ?see The Weather page 7

Head Writer : Mike Friend Editor: Eliza Chang Staff Writers: Michael Glen & Daniel Friend Issue #2 04/2008

New Study saysTeens notreckless enough

see National Issues page 6

oredom, Theilent Killer?

See National Issues Page 4


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Generic University Dear Student,

Your hard work in high school has been turning heads at our institution. So we would ask that you

ake a look at one of the finest educational institutions in the United States of America GenericUniversity. Generic University boasts both the smallest and largest campus in the United States.With a faculty-student ratio of several to many, you will receive the personalized education you need while being able to interact with a large student body that is small in nature. Our illustriousnstitution prides itself on diversity, with students hailing from every continent including the lost cityf Atlantis. As a university, we also pride ourselves on our athletic excellence. We have sports teamsn every division, including divisions IV and V, and have won many different conferences,hampionships and spirit awards.

Student Profile: The student we are looking for has a G.P.A between 0.0 and .0, SATs between 600-2400 and many or no extracurricular activities. 100%f the student body are among the bottom and top decile of their class. We areooking for driven and determined student who is always on time but is notoo obsessed with keeping a schedule.

Essay Questions:1.Describe yourself in 500 Egyptian hieroglyphics or less.

.If you were running to be the next president of the United States describe yourpolicy on the importation and exportation of citrus fruit in the mid-west in 489words or less.

3. Pick a square inch anywhere on the globe and tell us why it should be wiped rom existence in 300 or less words.

Optional Essay Question 247 words or less (these essays are required frodmission)

1. Would you rather die in an implosion or an explosion? Tell us why and how itelates to your intended major.

John Doe Smith


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Visit our website at

heleek.bravehost.com to find

out about our history and to

download a copy of The Leek

(in Technicolor!) for yourself

"If only someone didsomething exciting orstupid"

Contiunes Page 6


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America needs a leader who has no experience,wisdom, or a full set of teeth

AMERICA NEEDS PELTER F. KOOFS

What does Pelter F. Koofs stand for?

Pelter is german for yellow lotus F Stands for industructible

Koofs is Croatian for "milkmaid"

Pelter F. Koofs:A Man who stands for indestructible yellow lotus milkmaid


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"My message to teenagers is to stay out late,drive fast and not to worry about anyresponsibilities you have to others or society at

large


9/14

"As the droplets accelerate at over onethousand feet per second they begin to

stretch out into the shapes of muscular men.These shapes are then solidified by acombination of lightning, evaporated milk

and lots of Doritos.


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Steven Hawkings'

It literally makesthe pounds

disapear

Watch your self gofrom a size 25 to a

size 6, then tonothing at all!

WITH 1000 BLACK HOLES PER PILLGUARANTEED.

UPGRADE TO THE SUPERNOVA PACKAGE FOR

ONLY 7 EASY PAYMENTS OF $ 19.95!

Chief of Medicine atBeth Israel says: "This isa gross misuse of

theoretical physicsand is dangerous not

only to human beingsbut the very fabric ofreality"

John Welter of theNew York Timessays: " What is

happening to mybody, OH NO, OH

NO!!!"


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Generic University

The Acceptance LetterThe Admission committee is excited to inform you that YOU HAVE BEEN ADMITTED TO THE CLASSOF 2012 AND WE ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO WRITE IN CAPTITAL LETTERS IN EVERYCORRESPONDECE WITH YOU HEREAFTER! You should be proud that you will be one of the manyomogeneous students being admitted to Generic University. As an institution with many long standing andlexible traditions, we hope to see you here at Generic Auditorium in the fall! Go Generics!

John DoeSmith

The Rejection LetterDear Rejected Applicant,The Admission committee regrets to inform you that you have been rejected,

denied, forsaken, relinquished, shunned and barred from admission at GenericUniversity. We really wanted to take youreally, but felt that you were vastlyunderqualified to attend the institution that could have made you into a success. Wehave also taken a restraining order on you, so do not attempt to come within fivehundred yards of our fabulous institution unless you want to end up in jail. We hope

that this generic and completely insincere letter has alleviated all the pain of rejection you are currently experiencing and makes up for all the time you wasted writing our essays and filling out our application.

John DoeSmith


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Jean Valjean:[ in a nice tenor voice] But I only stole a loaf of bread!Inspector Javert: [deep throaty bass] You are a criminal, so you shall be sentenced to jail!Jean Valjean: But I only stole,[sadly singing now] a loaf of bread.Random chorus in back of court room: Guilty!Guilty! Guilty!Judge: What the hell is going on? Stop singing!Inspector Javert: Number 24601! You shall be found guiltyJean Valjean: I only stole a loaf of bread, to save my [in high soprano] family!Random chorus in back of court room: Guilty!Guilty! Not Innocent!Jean Valjean: But I only stole a loafa loaf of[ really loud tenor voice]bread!Judge: That is it! Court dismissed! [bangs gavel in musical rhythm]I hold all of you in contempt! Getout of my courtroom!Jean Valjean: But I only stole-Judge: Shut up!

Stealing is wrong, no matter howdelicious the consequences

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