the jewish star march 18, 2011

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By David F. Nesenoff David F. Nesenoff: Thank you for the interview and Happy Purim. Moses: It’s a pleasure to speak with you but I would have thought you would want to interview Mordechai this time of year. I’m kind of a Passover guy. DFN: Well, Mordechai has an exclu- sive with the Five Towns Jewish Times and he’s not allowed to talk with us, you know how it is. M: I’ve been retired for a while, but I’m glad to tell you what I can. DFN: Thank you. Can I call you Moshe? M: I prefer Moses. I’m trying to go for that hip contemporary sound. It’s part of my kiruv strategy. DFN: So, Moses, what do you think of the Jewish people today? M: I love that Steven Spielberg; he’s terrific, I could watch E.T. over and over again. DFN: I was talking about Klal Yisroel, Am Yisroel, Bnai Yisroel. M: Oh, they’re okay I guess. I can’t complain, and if I did who would listen? (Laughs) But I really like that Spielberg. VOL 10, NO 11 MARCH 18, 2011 / 12 ADAR II, 5771 WWW.THEJEWISHSTAR.COM ha-MAN-tosh ON THE STREET question Page 10 Food secrets of the Megillah Page 7 Purim “it’s not” news Page 8 Hebrew only please! Double the fun Page 6 THE JEWISH Obama’s birth certificate is found He’s Jewish! President Obama’s real name is Baruch Chaim Abramowitz. He is Jewish and was born in Haifa not Hawaii. The right-wing Or- thodox Jewish community is perplexed with this new developmexnt. On the one hand he’s not an American citizen, so therefore he can’t be president anymore. On the other hand he’s Jewish. The president when asked about this new development said, “I was just as surprised as the next guy to learn about this. My wife, of course, is shpilkis over the whole thing. With all that I’m dealing with domestically and in- ternationally, I need this like a luch in kup.” In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden converted to Islam and wishes to be called Yusef ibn b’den. He said, “Now I can finally fly around and no one will bother me.” One on one with Moses Continued on page 3 Photo by Aaron HaKohen Moses the Lawgiver, seen here at a recent Retired Jewish Leadership Conference in Boynton Beach, Florida. Shabbat Candlelighting: 6:47 p.m. Shabbat ends 7:49 p.m. 72 minute zman 8:17 p.m. Torah Reading Parshat Tzav This Shabbos is Shabbos Zachor PRST STD US POSTAGE PAID GARDEN CITY, NY 11530 PERMIT NO 301 Photo by Aaron HaKohen Exclusive interview Exclusive Purim Video “Undercover Rabbi” The Purim Episode Go to: www.thejewishstar.com Like us on Facebook The Jewish Star newspaper (Long Island, NY) Follow us on Twitter www.twitter.com/JewishStarNY STAR PURIM EDITION

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The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

TRANSCRIPT

Page 1: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

By David F. Nesenoff

David F. Nesenoff: Thank you for the interview and Happy Purim.

Moses: It’s a pleasure to speak with you but I would have thought you would want to interview Mordechai this time of year. I’m kind of a Passover guy.

DFN: Well, Mordechai has an exclu-sive with the Five Towns Jewish Times and he’s not allowed to talk with us, you know how it is.

M: I’ve been retired for a while, but I’m glad to tell you what I can.

DFN: Thank you. Can I call you Moshe?

M: I prefer Moses. I’m trying to go for that hip contemporary sound. It’s part of my kiruv strategy.

DFN: So, Moses, what do you think of the Jewish people today?

M: I love that Steven Spielberg; he’s terrifi c, I could watch E.T. over and over again.

DFN: I was talking about Klal Yisroel, Am Yisroel, Bnai Yisroel.

M: Oh, they’re okay I guess. I can’t complain, and if I did who would listen? (Laughs) But I really like that Spielberg.

VOL 10, NO 11 ■ MARCH 18, 2011 / 12 ADAR II, 5771 WWW.THEJEWISHSTAR.COM

ha-MAN-tosh ON THE STREET question Page 10 Food secrets of the Megillah Page 7Purim “it’s not” news Page 8 Hebrew only please! Double the fun Page 6

THE JEWISH Obama’s birth certifi cate is found

He’s Jewish!

President Obama’s real name is Baruch Chaim Abramowitz. He is Jewish and was born in Haifa not Hawaii. The right-wing Or-thodox Jewish community is perplexed with this new developmexnt. On the one hand he’s not an American citizen, so therefore he can’t be president anymore. On the other hand he’s Jewish.

The president when asked about this new development said, “I was just as surprised as the next guy to learn about this. My wife, of course, is shpilkis over the whole thing. With all that I’m dealing with domestically and in-ternationally, I need this like a luch in kup.”

In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden converted to Islam and wishes to be called Yusef ibn b’den. He said, “Now I can fi nally fl y around and no one will bother me.”

One on one with Moses

Continued on page 3

Photo by Aaron HaKohen

Moses the Lawgiver, seen here at a recent Retired Jewish Leadership Conference in Boynton Beach, Florida.

Shabbat Candlelighting: 6:47 p.m. Shabbat ends 7:49 p.m. 72 minute zman 8:17 p.m. Torah Reading Parshat Tzav This Shabbos is Shabbos Zachor

PRST STDUS POSTAGE PAIDGARDEN CITY, NY

11530PERMIT NO 301

Photo by Aaron HaKohen

Exclusive interview

Exclusive Purim Video “Undercover Rabbi”The Purim Episode

Go to: www.thejewishstar.com

Like us on FacebookThe Jewish Star newspaper

(Long Island, NY)

Follow us on Twitterwww.twitter.com/JewishStarNY

STARPURIM EDITION

Page 2: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

Inside

The Jewish StarAsk Aviva 11Classified Ads 15David’s Harp 4From the Heart of Jerusalem 7Hebrew Only Please! 6Kosher Critic 13On the Calendar 12Politico to Go 4

How to reach us:Our offices at 2 Endo Blvd., Garden City, NY 11530 are open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. every weekday, with early closing as necessary on Erev Shabbat. Contact us via e-mail or telephone as listed below.

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Hagbah Weight lifting class

The Hag-bah Weight Lifting Gym and Fitness Center now offers Torah scroll work-outs. Lifting for right or left arm strength can be devel-oped with the scrolls set for Bereishis or Dvarim par-shas. Geleilah spotters are there to help and make sure that the Torah does not fall which would cause the neighboring Tzom Diet Plan Center to offer their expertise.

PURIM

OU has new kashrus program

For years OU has been involved in what goes into the mouth. Now under a new pro-gram developed by Rabbi B. Amensh, OU will also be certifying that which comes out of the mouth. For those who speak with Derech Eretz and Chesed, a Glatt kosher certifi cation will be endorsed. On the other hand to those who can’t seem to talk nicely Eesh L’reAyhu, one to his neighbor, or with Lashon Harah, OU will be designating a Treifah L’gamrey stamp of disapproval. Rabbi Amensh said, “We our now preparing a special designation for those who speak nicely but are just plain boring; they will be Parve.”

■ ■ ■

■ ■ ■

Mezuzah kissing questionDue to the excessive kissing of Mezuzahs

on the doorposts by some individuals who enter and leave rooms, the Beis Din of Or Y’or Kidding is reviewing the laws of Shmi-ras Nigiyah. Rabbi Noah Joke said, “Perhaps one should fi rst take the Mezuzah out to din-ner and a movie before the fi rst kiss.” While Rabbi Bissel Nuts argued, “Certainly not, that would be crazy! I believe a Shadchan must be involved before even the fi rst kiss.” As either rabbi has not made a fi nal judgment, the is-sue regarding the Mezuzah will, for the time being, remain hanging.

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Y.U. MaccabeatsThe singing sensation that has rocked the world with their Chanukah and Purim

videos is everywhere. Offers are fl ooding in from all stretches of the entertainment world. Their manager Izzie Gotgelt said, “I have booked the entire group to replace Charlie Sheen in ‘Two and a Half Men,’ they will appear on the show in the next Fall season.” Rumor has it that the show’s name is being changed to “12 Chazans, a Goy and a kid.”

DFN: Yes, but do you think Jews are in a good place right now?

M: Place shmace. First they went to Egypt and liked it there. Then they didn’t like it and left. Then they kvetched about the water and job prospects in the desert and wanted to go back to Egypt. Then they went to Israel; and now they make computer chips.

DFN: What about the spirituality of our people?

M: Look, in my day, for six days a week you built a mishkan and then on Shabbos you rested. Today everybody wants the easy life. They drive to the mall, they fl y to Flor-ida, they Skype… I walked for forty years. I ate manna, I washed the feet of the Kohanim, I learned all of Torah, I delivered the Ten Commandments, twice. Who had time for spirituality?

DFN: But how can we get the Jewish people to follow the mitzvos and lead a more menshlach life?

M: Been there done that. It’s not easy. My generation was all about Naaseh V’Nishmah. We’ll do and then later we’ll ask. Now it’s all Nishma, Nishma, Nishma. They ask and talk and question and if and when they get around to it… Naaseh, they’ll actually do something.

DFN: What about tzedakah? Are people giving enough charity?

M: You know, originally it wasn’t a ma-ser, a tithe, a tenth. It was actually fi fty per-cent. Yeh, fi fty fi fty. Chatzi Lashem, Chatzi Lachem. Hashem wanted us to give half of our income to charity, but I hondled and got it to ten percent. I was quite the negotiator. Abraham had nothing on me. I would have bargained with Hashem down to one good person in Sodom and Gemorrah and closed the deal. Anyway, now everyone looks at ten percent like it’s some major transaction. The only reason Hashem lets people make a liv-ing is so that they could give to charity. And if He gives them a comfortable income he’s expecting some really big Tzedakah. I don’t know who came up with this Chai business, 18? People give in multiples of 18? They should give ten times their Neshama! Nesh-ama is 395. That would bring in some nice Tzedakah.

DFN: How do you spend your time these days?

M: Oh, well it’s a real mechaya in Olam Habah. I’m here in G-d’s country. I learn with the great gaonim before shachris. I teach a shiur or two before lunch. I fabreng with the Lubavitcher Rebbe and then in the evenings I usually like to take a Zumba class.

DFN: They have Zumba in the shamay-im, in the heavens?

M: Listen, it’s like Shabbos seven days a week here. Cholent, cholent, cholent. If I don’t stay in shape I’ll get cut from Hockey.

DFN: You play hockey?M: We have a great team, the Levites. We

also have a recreation arts center. I’m known for my Mosaic pieces. Mosaic, get it?

DFN: I didn’t know you were so funny?M: I have a terrifi c sense of humor. I used

to do a lot of slap stick, but after slapping and hitting the rock and getting into all that trouble, I stopped doing the physical humor and I just do the occasional pun and knock, knock joke.

DFN: How’s your sister Miriam?M: Oh please, she’s fi ne. But to tell you

the truth, she’s going to drive me crazy with that tambourine of hers. Always clopping and dancing and clopping. Enough already. She gets like one line in the Torah and she shleps out her 10 minutes of fame into an entire career. She’s touring right now with Dovid HaMelech, Elvis and Michael Jackson.

DFN: They all perform together?M: They call themselves, “The Timbrel

and the Three Kings.” They’re music is okay.

But, personally, I like Carlebach.

DFN: Of course, who doesn’t? Finally,Moses, I have to ask you about the ene-mies of the Jewish People.

M: I told Joshua that he should have killedall the Amalekites when he had the chance.Not a day goes by that Kahane doesn’t rip intoJoshie about that one. Listen, until Moshiachcomes, and he’s always running late believe me, there will continue to be those who hate us. But more importantly we should spendtime trying to fi nd ways of loving each other. We kvetch amongst ourselves terribly.

DFN: Any fi nal thoughts?M: I spent my whole life getting the Jews

out of Egypt and shlepping them through thewilderness to bring them to Eretz Yisroel. And they got to go to Israel and I didn’t. Iwould have done anything to go there.There’s even a beautiful midrash that talks about how I begged and pleaded with Hash-em to make me a bird so that I could at least fl y over the sacred precious land. So… todayyou can skip over to JFK, hop on an EL ALfl ight, daven maariv on the back of the planewhile the fl ight attendants complain thatthey have to move their carts around to feedeveryone mehadrin kosher meals. And thenpresto you’re in Israel and at the Kotel. Go!Go! Go to Israel! I would in a second.

Exclusive: Moses speaksContinued from page 1

Tfi llin tank tacticsIn contradistinction to Chabad’s Mitzvah

Tanks, which are motor homes that they op-erate to invite Jewish males to put on tfi llin,

the National Organization of Satma Chasidim has decided to take a more aggressive ap-proach to their kiruv tactics of introducing tfi l-

lin. The organization has purchased 25 actu-al military tanks and they are entering build-ings by blowing holes through the walls.

Jewish men are then tied up with the leather retsuos straps, fi rst without a bracha, and then later when the gag is removed from the men’s mouths, with a bracha. Rabbi Yossie Yalater said, “Most of our machine guns have blank bullets.”

■ ■ ■

King of CongressPeter King who recently stirred up great

controversy by conducting hearings, to in-vestigate the relationship between Islam and radical terrorists, fi nally gave in to the liberal opposition. Yesterday he conducted a hear-ing to see the relationship between Jews, synagogues and terrorists. After two seconds it was discovered that there is no relationship between Jews, synagogues and terrorists. Of course a liberal group protested his fi ndings and proclaimed, “There is a relationship be-tween Jews, synagogues and terrorists. Ter-rorists kill Jews and blow up synagogues.” With that Peter King threw up his hands and said, “I give up, you’re right, I can’t win.”

Jewish fashion in NYThe New York Tallis Fashion Show is on

in Manhattan. Tallesim of all styles are being shown from the top Jewish tallis designers including Diane Firstinshul, Justin Shmatas, Anita Machover and Hoisen Klein. “Tachelis is back in fashion,” said popular designer Oscar DelaDon’t Rent. “They’ll be wearing tzistzis long this year.” He was joined by his beautiful wife Oscar DelaYenta.

PURIM NEWS

D.C. Purim partyThe Washington Purim celebra-

tion was held in the Nation’s Captiol in preparation for the holiday. Helen Thomas showed up without a costume to celebrate the life of her hero Ha-man. She was not allowed entry into the event, as security requested for her to remove her mask and she was un-able to.

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Opinion

THE JEWISH STARIndependent and original reporting from the Orthodox communities of Long Island and New York City

All opinions expressed are solely those of The Jewish Star’s editorial staff or contributing writers

Publisher and Editor David F. NesenoffAssistant Editor Sergey Kadinsky

Account Executives Helene Parsons Zelig Krymko Hy Spitz

Contributors Rabbi Avi Billet Jeff Dunetz Samuel Fisher Rabbi Noam Himelstein Alan Jay Gerber Zechariah Mehler Aviva Rizel Intern Ariel Rosenbloom

Editorial Designer Alyson GoodmanPhoto Editor Christina Daly

2 Endo Boulevard, Garden City, NY 11530Phone: 516-622-7461, Fax: 516-569-4942E-mail: [email protected]

The Jewish Star is published weekly by The Jewish Star LLC, 2 Endo Boulevard, Garden City, NY 11530.

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Copyright © 2011 The Jewish Star LLC. All rights reserved.

D avid’s Harp is usually a satirical humorous col-umn. In honor of Purim when we are inebriat-ed to the point that everything is turned upside

down and we don’t recognize the difference between Mordechai and Haman, the hero and the villain, this space will be serious.

Thousands died in Japan because the core of the earth has a physical geological formula that dictates movement on the crust of the planet. This movement

not only caused an earthquake, but it unleashed a tsunami that swept away towns, changed the map of Japan and affected the very axis of the globe. It is be-yond sad and a reminder that we live at the will of science in outer space in a universe directed by laws of nature and G-d’s grace.

A bus crashed on the Cross Bronx Expressway killing 15 people. And another crashed on the New Jersey Turnpike. The dangers of everyday trans-port and travel become all too real when we are faced with such tragedy and loss of life.

Two local police offi cers were killed in the line of duty. It is a sobering remind-er to all of us of the dangerous and courageous oc-cupation that our law enforcement, fi re fi ghters and our soldiers encounter in their course of confronting their very jobs.

Flooding in the metropolitan area has caused headaches, heartaches and endless diffi culties for so many of our fellow citizens. Nature’s forces never cease to remind us of that which we can do little to control.

Five souls in Israel had their throats and bodies

slashed and slit during the middle of the night as they slept in their beds on Shabbat. It is also a re-minder. It reminds us that the Jew lives in a world that is beyond the laws of physics, science, nature, decency, civility and universal conscience. The hor-ror of Purim’s lottery, that any random Jew on any old day should be killed, is alive and well in 2011.

The earth has always quaked, and rivers seem to fl ood, and vehicles will often crash, and soldiers un-fortunately have throughout history given their lives.

But it should not be part of the course of nature that a three-month old baby is slaughtered in her sleep. And it should not be in the science of the plan-et that her two brothers and mother and father are slaughtered alongside of her.

We are living in a world of Purim. It is a chaotic drunk place where the hero is the villain and the vil-lain is the hero. It is a place where people mask their evil and yet publically rejoice in their desire for geno-cide. It is a world of Purim. It is a place fi lled with Haman after Haman mocking the Mordechai. It is a place where a 12 year- old girl returns from a Kabba-lat Shabbat celebration to fi nd her family dead with their blood dripping over toys and sefarim and a crib. It is a world of Purim. It is a world that contains a story where G-d’s hand is hidden and where we must bring about the miracle through our own strength. It is a world where we must be courageous and enter a precarious palace even when we are not summoned. It is a world where we must change the very calendar containing our day of demise into our day of victory and our enemies’ hanging.

Purim is indeed the holiday of chaos, which leads into the holiday of Pesach bringing with it the Seder, the order. May we merit the Moshiach’s speedy ar-rival and enter into a world where perhaps the sci-ence of the earth may still cause it to quake, but the sanity of the planet will allow a baby to sleep through the night in peace.

A world gone Purim

DAVID’S HARP

David F. Nesenoff

A t a Washington news conference, held at the Offi ces of the GeorgeSoros-funded Center for American Progress, archeologists working forthe Smithsonian have announced an incredible fi nd, a revised copy of

the U.S Constitution dated 1790. This document was passed by the original13 States with the intention of supplanting the version ratifi ed in 1788. Thechief archeologist on the project called the document “Dead Potomac RiverScrolls,” because they were found in a previously unknown cave on the bank

of the Potomac.According to the scientists, a 13-year-old boy named

Zach Emanuel was walking his dog near the river, threwa stick and heard some glass shatter. He followed thenoise into the cave and found the document amongstsome broken beer bottles left over from some ancient beer summit. Scientists determined the cave was once occupied by some ancient cult of pundits. Also found in the cave were some leftover yarmulkes from Chuck Schumer’s Bar Mitzvah.

The cult known in history books as the Progressenes, revised the constitution. It begins with an amazinglyprophetic preamble,

We the People of the United States, in Order to forma Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago,do ordain and establish this brand new Constitution forthe United States of America recognizing that the docu-ment approved in 1788 forgot to talk about social justice.

The overall document is very similar to the Constitu-tion passed in 1788; adding just a few things:

Under the census provision it adds, “If a large group of foreign nationalscome into the country illegally, they are to be counted as citizens in the cen-sus so as not to appear racist.”

The executive branch articles include a provision that says, “The President is to enforce all laws equally except in the case of radical organizations try-ing to intimidate voters from voting the wrong way. Housing organizations that commit voter fraud by registering illegible voters multiple times, cartooncharacters, or the deceased are not to be prosecuted, as long as they are

The Dead Potomac River Scrolls found

POLITICO TO GO

Jeff Dunetz

Continued on page 5

Yankie & Luzer

In memory of the Fogel family

Donate to the: onefamilyfund.org

That’s not funny. Take off the mask. Happy

Purim.

Correction:The photo caption in last week’s Agudath Israel story incorrectly identifi es Rabbi Binyamin Kamenetzky as

Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky. We regret the error.

Page 5: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

named after the seed of an oak tree.”It is quite amazing the way these Progres-

senes were able to see into the future.Beyond the prophetic articles and pream-

ble, included in this revised constitution was a document called “The Bill of Other Rights Which Corrects the Original Constitution’s Wrongs,” these included:

There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion

The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma you are too old)

We were only kidding about the right to bear arms

There is a right of unions to be bailed out even if the state has to take over an entire industry.

The right of unions supersedes that of the majority of the population.

The right to high speed communicationThe government has the right to control

free speech on the internet and talk radioThere is a right to come into the country

illegally as long as you promise to support the Progressenes

The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially if petroleum is in-volved

There is no right to enjoy the fruits of your hard work, the government has the right to redistribute income

Some skeptics will tell you that this docu-ment is an obvious forgery, but they’re only trying to interject partisanship into taking a bipartisan effort.

For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that this document has already been endorsed by the administration. This is the administration that told us Joe Sestak wasn’t

offered a job, there were no earmarks in the stimulus bill, Obamacare wouldn’t force you to change health plans, and there would be absolutely no new taxes on anyone making less than $250,000 a year.

Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real is the fact that the pro-visions of this revised constitution were al-ready put into practice during the fi rst two years of the Obama presidency.

If these provisions were followed without a supporting constitutional document, the press, who is counted upon to be a watch-dog would scream bloody murder, and they have been totally silent. You see, it has to be real! The document also provides an answer to those who claim that Barack Obama is some sort of socialist trying to overturn the U.S. Constitution. Based on the newly-found document he is a strict “constitutionalist”.

According to the archeologists there are more documents in the cave, specifi cally court precedents supporting the revised constitution, a new version of the Bible that strikes out any connection between the Jews and the Holy Land, and a history of Chicago politics, all of which will be released as soon as they are examined by biblical archeology specialist Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

Jeff Dunetz is the Editor/Publisher of the political blog “The Lid” (www.jeffdunetz.com). Jeff contributes to some of the largest politi-cal sites on the internet including American Thinker, Big Government, Big Journalism, NewsReal and Pajama’s Media, and has been a guest on national radio shows including G. Gordon Liddy, Tammy Bruce and Glenn Beck. Jeff lives in Long Island.

The Dead Potomac River Scrolls foundContinued from page 4

Why be with your dysfunctional mishpacha when you can be with hundreds of other dysfunc-tional mishpachas? The only thing worse than your whining children is someone else’s whin-ing kids. You work all year long very hard, why spend Pesach relaxing? Come to a seder with people who left New York to get away, to be with people from New York. Matzah not included.

It’s like family, but only worse

Passover in Florida

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INFORMATION & REFERRAL SERVICE

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Hebrew only please!A Jewish newspaper should have a Hebrew column. So here

it is. We will try to maintain a level of vocabulary so that it will be easy enough for students to read and interesting enough for those more fl uent to enjoy. If you would like to write a story in

Hebrew, please submit to: [email protected]

By Dr. Tobias Jungreis

Author of “How to be an Even Greater Hus-band” And “(My Wife Told Me) Make This World A Better Place for Our Grandchildren”

Where are Tfi llin manufactured?Answer: In a leather phylactery.

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Two sleepy stories for Purim

Rabbi Noam Himelstein studied in Yeshivat Har Etzion and served in the Tanks Corps of the IDF. He has taught in yeshiva high schools, post-high school women’s seminaries, and headed the

Torah MiTzion Kollel in Melbourne, Australia. He currently teaches at Yeshivat Orayta in Jerusa-lem, and lives with his wife and six children in Neve Daniel, Gush Etzion.

By Rabbi Noam Himelstein

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Page 7: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

By Samuel Fisher and Zevvy Goldish

“The fourteenth of Adar --happiness and festival, and sending of portions, man to his fellow” (9:19). This verse is the source for the favorite mitzvah on Purim of sending food to each other. But how do we know the verse is talking about food? After a closer

analysis of the entire Megillah, it becomes clear that many verses are referring to food. And therefore the word “portions” here in this verse refers to food as well. Here are the other secret food references:

“And Haman was fi lled with anger (chei-ma)” (3:5). The Gema-ra in Maseches Ugiyot uses a classic literary technique to teach us the true meaning of this verse: Don’t read it “cheima” (anger)—rather “chem’ah” (but-ter). Therefore the pa-

suk is rendered, “And Haman was fi lled with butter.” Moreover, we know through Jewish tradition that butter, like words, is best fun-neled through the ears. This is consistent

with the fact that “hamentaschen,” literally “Haman’s ears,” are tasty, buttery cookies. Now that we understand that Haman’s ears were actually cookies, another mystery of Purim is decrypted: the bizarre making of loud noise upon reciting Haman’s name. It is indeed very diffi cult for Haman to hear the reading, considering his ears are baked deli-cacies.

Haman wasn’t the only Megilla character with culinary aspects. We see that the wom-en, in preparing to meet the king, spent six months in oil (2:12). Now that’s what I call deep-fried—it is a mystery in the Kabballah as to why fried latkes and donuts aren’t eaten on Purim and only on Chanukkah.

Also, when Haman bribed Achashveirosh, the pasuk says “ten-thousand talents (kikar) of silver, I will weigh-out (eshkol)” (3:9). But Onkolos’ brother translates the pasuk ac-cording to the pshat: “ten-thousand loaves (kikar) of silver grapefruit (eshkol).” We see that even the most powerful politicians used food items as their means of diplomacy.

At the beginning of the Megilla, Achash-veirosh called for Vashti to appear with her crown. Since we know Achashveirosh’s goal was to display her beauty, it would make no sense for her to wear her royal crown, which would divert attention away from her own beauty. Therefore, Achashveirosh must have been referring to a different kind of crown.

Now, we know that Vashti’s name comes from the root “shtayim,” meaning “two.” The female form of “two” is “shnaim,” or “shinay-im”—teeth. Vashti needed a crown for her teeth, for they had rotted to stumps. And to show her beauty, she needed dental recon-structive surgery, i.e. crowns. This could only be the case if Vashti ate lots of candy and drank lots of sugared drinks. With this in mind, it makes sense that she, a nosher, refused to come to the party—she was stuck in the ladies’ room after eating far too many “portions” of chocolate.

In the last chapter of the Megilla, a seem-ingly irrelevant line appears: “And Achash-veirosh put a tax on the land and the islands” (10:1). The Rambam, in Hilchos Rotev V’Yerakos says that the ratio of a king’s coun-tries to islands is 2000 to 254. Since Achash-veirosh had 127 countries, it follows that he had 1000 islands. This tax on the “Thousand Islands” is a clear reference to food, salad dressing.

We see from all these examples that the Megilla is full of references to food. To name a few more, the town itself is called “Shushan HaBirah,” “Birah” being the modern Hebrew word for beer. The word “King,” which per-meates the Megilla, can be rearranged to spell “K-gin”— or “Cajun.” There are endless examples.

In conclusion, the Rabbis’ interpretation

of “portions” as referring to food is not toomuch of a stretch when put in the proper context. In a way, the references to food,which occur literally all over the Megilla,….are Hashem’s way of sending us secret “por-tions.” May we all merit to receive wonderfulportions this Purim—Chag Purim Sameach!

Samuel Fisher grew up in Newton, Mas-sachusetts and graduated from MaimonidesSchool in 2010. He is spending the year study-ing in Yeshivat Orayta in the Old City of Je-rusalem after which he will attend HarvardCollege.

Secrets of the Megillah: It’s all about the food

Opinion

FROM THE HEART OF JERUSALEM

Samuel Fisher

Don’t read it “cheima”

(anger)—rather

“chem’ah” (butter).

Therefore the pasuk is

rendered, “And Haman

was fi lled with butter.”

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Page 8: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

Israel mix upCrowds of anti-Jewish protesters stood

with signs demanding to stop future con-struction in Israel. After fi ve hours of protest-ing they realized that they got mixed up and were not protesting the State of Israel, but rather were standing outside the home of congressman Steve Israel. Although the mob eventually left, Congressman Israel, who was redoing his guest bathroom, stopped the con-struction contractor from continuing. “If not laying the terra cotta tile in the shower can help to bring peace in the Middle East, it’s the least I can do,” said the confused con-gressman. In a related story Ohio’s 4th Dis-trict Congressman Jordan is redoing his bed-room crown molding, which is hanging off the wall. “Jordan’s crown is in a precarious situation,” commented Israel.

■ ■ ■

Science newsScientists have discovered a new species

of unintelligent life. The being has no capac-ity to think with any level of aptitude. In fact there is not even the slight-est chance that micro brain cells exist in this mutation of low life. They are calling it Neturei Karta.

■ ■ ■

Computer problemPC and Mac users are warned not to leave

any valuables in the vicinity of their comput-er. A thief virus has already stolen $75,000, 200 keyboards, 45 cups of coffee and 3 stock-brokers.

■ ■ ■

YIW still growingThe Young Israel

of Woodmere just an-nounced the introduc-tion of its hundredth morning shaharis min-yan. Each day of the week starting at 5 a.m., every 30 seconds an-other service begins. The rabbi said, “We won’t be happy till we fi nally have a service where we can’t actually get a minyan.”

PURIM NEWSCourt updates

Brooklyn has won a long court battle to do away with its casual namesake and has become more formal. The boro will now be known as BrookLinda. While Long Island is experiencing the economic times, the Five Towns is being reduced to the Four and a Half Towns. And due to the overabundance of plastic surgeons living and practicing in Great Neck, with just a little snip here and little tuck there, the town will now be called Really Great Neck. With regard to Flushing, the courts are still evaluating the alternative names. They’ve already rejected “Rinsing, Queens.”

■ ■ ■

Chabad L’Chaim for PurimThe local

Chabad, which has been in the forefront of the Don’t Drink and Drive C a m p a i g n , has baruch Hashem saved many lives, an-nounced its new slogan for Purim: “Don’t Drive.”

New fi sh Kashrus question

Upon the discovery of a new species of fi sh off the coast of Long Island, the Vaad Hakashrus has been tirelessly working to of-fer a psak din as to whether the tiny swimmer is kosher or not. The Vaad chairman Rabbi Yehuda Trefabits fi nally said, “Stop bothering us and go have a nice piece of salmon.”

Breaking news: A Yeshiva is raising fundsThe Mesifta Harbay Kesef Yeshiva Academy is having a fundraiser. All are welcome

to come. They are not sure yet what kind of fundraiser it’s going to be. Maybe an art auction, or a Chinese auction, or a dinner, or an inauguration or an honoring or a con-cert. And they don’t know what they are raising the funds for yet, but all are welcome to come and contribute. RSVP early! (Not sure of the deadline or the date of the event yet, but all are welcome to come and contribute.)

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Page 9: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

Jewish Film Festival Movie list

Chana in Wonderland, Rechov Wall, Iron Mensch, Shanda on Elm Street, Social Arbitnet, Shuckle Is-land, Goy Story 2, Shvartz Swan, Grit Emes, Motze Shabbos Fever, Oyvatar, Kvetch Locker, Romeo and the Shiktsa, Harry Pitor, Char-lie’s Malochim, The Curious Case of Benjamin and Yosef, Inglorious Mamzerim, Leap Year: the Adar Story, Shylock Holmes, Erev Shab-bos the 13th, Challah Taken, and the long awaited sequel Shidduch and the City 2.

PURIM NEWS

Put an Ad in The Jewish Star

GET SEEN■ ■ ■

New bizAfter Charlie Sheen called his former boss Chuck Lorre, “Chaim,” he has started a new en-

terprise. Charlie will help young couples fi nd a suitable Hebrew name for their newborn baby. Helen Thomas has opened up the Go Home Travel Agency coordinating group synagogue trips to Poland and Germany. While Libyan leader Kaddafi has opened up a multi purpose center, which will teach parents to raise dysfunctional children and at the same time instruct men to shave their face like a psychopathic maniac.

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Page 10: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

ha-MAN-tosh ON THE STREET By Ariel Rosenbloom

What favorite food would you want in your Hamantosh?

“Lamb, because it tastes good.”

REUBEN SHAULOVowner of Reuben’s Unisex Barber Shop, Woodmere

“Chocolate covered pretzels. They’re so delicious.”

RACHELI ROSENBERGSpecial Education teacher, Lawrence

“Candy, every single candy in the whole world.”

GIZZI GESTETNER

7 years old, student at Sh-ulamith School for Girls in Woodmere

“Cookie Dough Ice Cream because what could go wrong with cookie dough?”

AYELET ROSENBLOOM (my sister), 12 years old, HAFTR Middle School

“Hmm, I would say Dirty Burger; it’s the perfect sha-loch manot.”

DANNY TENNENBAUMmanager of Crawfords, Cedarhurst

“A gummy candy, because it would make the hamen-tashen sweeter.”

LISA KUFLIK (AND ROSE) stay-at-home mom, Cedarhurst

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Page 11: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

Dear Aviva,My husband’s business has slowed to a

tiny trickle and I can’t seem to fi nd work. We got a loan modifi cation, got approved for SNAP, HEAP, Child Plus, and Medicaid. The yeshivas have been amazing—one tuition committee was so understanding that they are now paying us to send our preschooler there. The problem is my husband’s wan-ton spending. He insists on unloading the few dollars we have on frivolous things like groceries and the water bill. Meanwhile, he started telling me that when my lease is up, he wants to get a domestic car— an old one! His priorities are so messed up. I don’t know how to explain that this season’s styles are much more important long term. We need to impart good values on the kids and I would never want them to think that we are not as well off as our neighbor, who has been out of work for 2 years. Do I need a divorce?

-Stylin’ in Squalor

Dear Stylin’ in Squalor,You poor thing. My eyes are welling up just

reading your plight. Well, you defi nitely have it together. In Parshas Mikeitz, when there was an inter-country famine, Yaakov Avinu asked his well-fed sons, “Lamah Tisra’oo? Why do you make yourselves seen?” Accord-ing to Rashi, Yaakov is admonishing his sons not to be seen with the bread they have be-cause others do not have this bread. We obvi-ously learn from here that when you don’t have bread, you should (somehow) be seen

with bread. So you are really living in accor-dance with Torah values, and your husband is way off base. Maybe he’s got issues stem-ming from his childhood. Did his parents have a perverted value system? Did his father

try to control his mother with money too?Getting divorced is a long, costly and ar-

duous process, but it may have its pay-offs. Once your husband gives the get, he will most likely receive a “Get-out-of-Gehinnom-free”

card and will be able to basically do whatever he wants, as long as he continues to dresslike a yorei-shamayim. He will be thrust into this club soon after his card is mailed out.You may notice that he will regress to an ado-lescent’s level of impulse-control, but that is perfectly normal.

Since I am a female, I’m not exactly sureof the department that issues these cards, but I do know that there is a large percentage of female divorcees who somehow managedto acquire these cards as well. If you end upbeing issued one of these cards, your life willdrastically improve. Being a single mom is re-ally, really rough. You will not have as muchtime to meet your spiritual goals like shop-ping (and I’m taking into account shopping online.)

Basically, you’re doing all the right things.I recommend checking back with the yeshi-vas and letting them know that you’re still struggling. They could just stop paying theirdedicated, hard-working staff to accommo-date you. Rebbes and their families don’tmind skipping meals so that you can look your best.

If you can, you should try to seek out counseling. But whatever you do, don’t writeto those newspaper advice columnists.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Ther-apist in private practice who can be reached at [email protected].

Ask Aviva

To spend more, try divorce

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March 19Multi Media Megillah ReadingCHABAD OF FIVE TOWNS is holding a Purim Bash at HAFTR High School, located at 389 Central Avenue in Lawrence. The Megillah reading will begin at 8:15 p.m. followed by an exciting Bubble Mania show by Seth Bloom. Additional Megillah readings will be held at 9, 10, and 11 p.m. For more information contact 516-295-2478 or Chabad-5towns.com

Purim CelebrationSUBURBAN PARK JEWISH CENTER, located at 400 Old Westbury Road in East Meadow is holding a Purim Celebration at 7:45 p.m. with megillah reading by Cantor David Krasner. Costumes are encouraged and refreshments will be provided. For more information, contact 516-796-8833 or suburbanparklevtorah.com

March 20Purim at the African JungleCHABAD OF MERRICK-BELLMORE-WANTAGH will be holding an African safari-themed Purim party at the Merrick Park Golf Course, located at 2550 Clubhouse Road in Merrick. The event is part of the annual “Purim Around the World” series, following last year’s Mexican-themed Purim. Megilla reading will begin at 12 p.m. followed by the program at 12:30 p.m. The event costs $15 for adults, and $10 for The maximum cost per family is $50. Reservations must be accepted by March 15. For more information call Rabbi Rabbi Shimon and Chanie Kramer 516-833-3057.

All day Megillah readingsCHABAD OF FIVE TOWNS, located at 74 Maple Avenue will be conducting Megillah reading every hour on the hour beginning 7 a.m. and continu-ing through 6 p.m. CHABAD OF FIVE TOWNS is also holding Purim in the Shtetl at 74 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst. The event includes a four course dinner with klezmer music. The cost is $25 for adults and $15 for children. The event begins at 5:30 p.m. For more information contact 516-295-2478 or Chabad5towns.com.

Purim Carnival FunFRIEDBERG JCC, located at 15 Neil Court in Oceanside, is holding Purim Carnival Fun, a free

event with prizes and food for children. The event will take place between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. For more information contact 516-634-4169 or FriedbergJCC.com.

Purim SeudahYOUNG ISRAEL OF WAVECREST-BAYSWATER is hold-ing a Purim Seudah with Rabbi Eliezer Feuer at 5 p.m. The cost is $15 per adult and $7 per child. For more information, contact Joseph Kohler at 718-327-0735

March 21Moshe Feiglin presentationMANHIGUT YEHUDIT, the Jewish Leadership faction within the Likud Party, will be holding a presentation by founder Moshe Feiglin at Chofetz Chaim Torah Center, located at 7 Derby Avenue in Cedarhurst. The event topic asks “Are we in danger of losing our beloved Israel?” Question and answer will follow the presentation. For more information call Nelson Behar at 917-453-9601 or [email protected].

March 26Chanukas Habayis CelebrationCHOFETZ CHAIM TORAH CENTER, located at 7 Derby Avenue in Cedarhurst, will be holding a celebration of its new sanctuary for the duration of this Shabbat. The Shaharit service will begin at 9 a.m. and will include welcoming remarks by Rabbi Aryeh Zev Ginzberg, followed by a sermon by author and lecturer Rabbi Noach Isaac Oelbaum on the occasion of the event. Services will be followed by a gala Kiddush open to the community. For more information, contact 516-295-7644 or chofetzchaimtc.com.

Caught between the GenerationsYOUNG ISRAEL OF JAMAICA ESTATES, located at 83-10 188 Street in Jamaica Estates will present a special program focusing on the challenges involved with balancing the needs of chil-dren, grandchildren, and parents. The event is sponsored by National Council of Young Israel and Ohel Children’s Home & Family Services. The presentation will be given by Harriet Blank, LCSW, the Intake Coordinator and Geriatric Mental Health Program Coordinator for Ohel. The event begins on Motzei Shabbat at 9 p.m. For more information call 212-929-1525 x112 or [email protected].

OngoingHonor Grandparent with Surprise AwardCHABAD OF MINEOLA is holding a contest to honor grandparents at the Pesach Seder. The 250-word essay contest is open to all students ages 10 to 18. Contestants must submit an essay describing why their grandparent(s) is deserving of the award, along with a photo of themselves with the grandparent(s). Prizes include $500 for fi rst place and a raffl e for an iPad2. The deadline for this contest is April 8. There will be eight categories of awards: 2 grandmothers, 2 grandfathers, 2 couples, and 2 winners for “In Memoriam.” Ceremony honoring the recipient will be held on Sunday June 5 at 2p.m. at the Renee & Jan Burman Chabad Center for TheArts. For more inofrmaiton, contact Rabbi An-chelle Perl 516-739-3636.

Ritual Slaughter Shechting class begins at the conclusion of Adar II in preparation for Passover. Held at Yeshivas Parah HaMess. Barbecue to follow. Contact Rabbi Mooshe Leatherman.

ON THE

CalendarSubmit your shul or organization’s events or shiurim to [email protected].

Deadline is Wednesday of the week prior to publication.

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Page 13: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

Not since the days of Tuner has anyone loved hooch as much as I do. But despite my taste for tequila, relish for rum and savor for scotch, I fi nd that on Purim the only libation capable of slaking my thirst is wine. But the wine comes with limitations. The amount

required to bring me to my desired level of inebriation is greater than that of some other spirits. As a result, I often end up spend-ing an arm and a leg to insure that I have enough to drink. This year’s Purim is a pre-game celebration on Friday night, carrying into Shabbat and then launching into full-blown festivities Satur-day night and Sunday.

I had a similar situ-ation to this one as a poor college student. On my meager budget

I was able to purchase enough wine for the Purim Seudah but due to circumstances be-yond my control, I found myself with more guests then I had anticipated and so I made a quick run to our local liquor store where destiny led me to purchase the making of a wine-based punch that I have since made ev-ery year for Purim. I dare lay claim to it being the greatest party drink of all time. It’s my own Kedischewitz Tonic.

Kedischewitz Tonic is an amalgam of the cheapest wines I could buy that also posses a relatively high alcohol content. The result is an easily drinkable punch that packs a heck of a kick. As I gear up to make it once again for my Purim Seudah this year, I am shar-ing the recipe with you. Please keep in mind that I have refi ned the recipe a bit since my Yeshiva University days.

■ 2 large bottles Manischewitz cream peach wine

■ 2 bottles Kedem Pink Champagne ■ 6 ounces brandy (brand doesn’t matter.)■ 1 bottle of ginger ale■ 2 containers of your favorite sorbet (I

like to use mango and passion fruit fl avor) ■ 1 water balloon fi lled with Orange juice

and placed in the freezer until solid then re-moved from said balloon and used to keep the punch cold.

To construct this amazing drink simply add all ingredients together and give it a few minutes for the sorbet to dissolve. The result is a fruity, fi zzy, fabulous beverage that serves between 25 to 30 people depending on how heavily they drink and it promises that those 30 people will defi nitely be feeling it.

You are probably thinking that I have taken the Thunderbird of kosher alcohols and dressed it up for the evening. You are correct, but we live in a food culture where chefs are constantly trying to fi nd ways to take ingredients that are usually overlooked and transform them into something that the general public fi nds palatable. Kedischewitz

is my contribution to this particular food movement. So this Purim as you get your Ad delo yadah on, please consider augmenting your personal consumption with this storied beverage.

Purim Sameach!

Zechariah Mehler is a widely published foodwriter and expert in social marketing. Followhim on Twitter @thekoshercritic

The Kedischewitz Tonic

Manischewitz-Kedem unite for Purim

THE KOSHER CRITIC

Zechariah Mehler

THE

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Page 14: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

By David Benkof

Across1. Pines (for)6. Auction entries10. Electrical units14. Tanna alternative15. Work for JTA, perhaps16. Place in the Knesset17. Wept18. Chanukiyah branches number19. “Blessed is the ___ judge” (prayer said

upon hearing of a loved one’s death)20. New York Satmar enclave22. Radical Luxembourg23. “All ___ Jazz” (Kander and Ebb song)24. 19th Century English de Rothschild26. Poet-partisan Kovner

30. “What ___, chopped liver?”31. Advice columnist Landers32. The State of Israel’s has a menorah

and olive branches on it33. Rocker Recht35. Marx Brothers movie, perhaps39. “Thirtysomething” actor41. French Antisemite Drumont (“La

France Juive”)43. Microsoft exec Ballmer44. Part for Beverly Sills46. JNF unit47. Adam’s madam49. Non-kosher sandwich, for short50. Visible51. French jurist Rene54. Docs for dachshunds56. Aid57. Controversial 1948 site63. “Abort!”64. Muslim holy man65. It may be fi xed66. Swear to67. Westchester County Congresswoman

Lowey68. Meteorological effects69. 2001 name in the news Chandra70. “Glengarry ___ Ross” (Mamet play)71. Ain’t right?

Down1. Go without2. Israeli NBA star Casspi3. Film ___4. “Dirty Dancing” actress Jennifer5. Egyptian peacemaker6. Cardozo and Cardin7. Stupid8. Enjoy a Purim seudah9. Acting teacher Adler

10. Judith Resnik and others11. Burial site of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai12. TiVo button13. Pilfer21. Lewis of “Lambchop” fame25. Facts26. Intones the Four Questions27. Borscht source28. Bête noire29. “Enemies: ___” (I. B. Singer work)34. Writer Jonathan or Faye36. Steak order37. Algonquian Indian38. Biblical plot40. He wrote “Survival in Auschwitz”

42. Daft45. Make unnecessary48. -witz or -insky51. Suez, e.g.52. Heavenward53. Historian Tom (“Elvis in Jerusalem”)55. Borat’s portrayer58. Canadian theologian Fackenheim59. Mel Brooks has one on Hollywood’s

Walk of Fame60. Special at Bergdorf’s61. Tool in the Garment District62. Love ___

Answers will appear next week

Last week’s answers

The Jerusalem Post Crossword Puzzle

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TOURO LAWTouro College Jacob D. Fuchsberg Law Center Presents an International Conference:

PERSECUTION THROUGH PROSECUTION:ALFRED DREYFUS, LEO FRANKAND THE INFERNAL MACHINEJuly 5 - July 7, 2011PARIS, FRANCE

CLECREDITS

AVAILABLE

Join us as we...

Explore these two historic cases with a focus on the legal, political, religious, andsocial issues.

See how hatred born by anti-Semitism can undermine the law turning it into aninstrument of persecution - mocking due process and justice.

Look at Emile Zola’s “J’Accuse” and how the press can shape world opinionresponsibly or fan the flames of hatred and prejudice.

Examine the role of Theodore Herzl and how the Dreyfus Affair helped to shape hisviews on the need for a Jewish nation.

Conference sites include visits to...

École Militaire – site of Dreyfus’ Public Degradation in1895 and the 105th Anniversary of his Reinstatement in 1906.

Palais de Justice on the île de la Cité – site of several Dreyfus related trialsand appeals.

Museum of Art and History of Judaism – in the historic Marais District.

Versailles – a tour of the Hall of Mirrors and the Assize Court of Versailles whereZola was tried and convicted.

The Luxembourg Palace (French Senate) – surrounded by the beautifulLuxembourg Gardens.

Limited registration available.For more information, please visit www.tourolaw.edu/dreyfusaffair.

DREYFUSAFFAIR

JUSTICE

MED

IA

POLITICS

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Page 15: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

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Page 16: The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

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