the inner critic | undoing depression

Upload: labebu

Post on 04-Jun-2018

215 views

Category:

Documents


0 download

TRANSCRIPT

  • 8/13/2019 The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    1/4

    27.06.2013 17:18The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    Page 1 of 4http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/undoing-depression/the-inner-critic/

    The Inner Critic

    If youre like most people with depression, you can really get into the spirit

    of raking yourself over the coals. Thats the voice of what I call the Inner

    Critic, and its a very big part of depression. Its the voice thats constantly

    judging you and finding you wanting. Its the voice that gives you all the

    blame when things go wrong. It doesnt forget and it cant forgive. Whats

    wrong with you? Get yourself together! Why havent you gotten to work

    yet? Youll never amount to anything! Some people, when they first begin

    to practice mindfulness, are amazed to discover that this sort of interior

    monologue is always going on in the background of their minds. It pops

    up most often when youre under stress. Its the voice of fear, looking for a

    simple explanation for a confusing situation, and it settles quickly on the

    usual suspect.

    Theres another part of you that tries to defend against the attacks of the

    Inner Critic. I call it the Timid Defender. It cant be effective because it

    uses the usual habits of the mind that never work: the same old defense

    mechanisms, denial, rationalization, dissociation. Distractions like alcohol

    and drugs, overspendingand overeating. It has us trying to escape or

    forget about the Critic, but that backfires, because whilewere escaping or

    forgetting, were giving the Critic more ammunition. The Critic, it seems,

    always knows better. You just make a fool of yourself, pretending to be

    something youre not. Kidding yourself. You cant fool me that easily!

    This is how misery persists. We make ourselves miserable by

    blaming ourselves, then we make ourselves more miserable by trying to

    hide or run away from our own consciences. It never works. Therapy

    works by changing the rules. Therapy doesnt silence the Inner Critic, nor

    strengthen that Defender; instead, it helps people detach from this struggle

    and accept that they are only human. When people are beating

    themselves up, I suggest theyre being too hard on themselves. When

    Contact Info

    Dr. Richard O'Connor

    Connecticut

    (860) 824-7423

    New York

    (917) 455-7220

    New Developments

    Feedback/Comments

    Recent News

    Featured Pages

    Self-Destructive Behavior

    About Dr. OConnor and his

    books

    An IntroductionQuick Tips

    The Facts

    About Dr. OConnor and his

    books

    Bipolar disorder

    Diagnoses

    FAQs

    Warning Signals

    Coping with Grief and Pain

    Learning to Be Happy

    Less Misery

    Undoing Depression A Self Help Site

    Home About Depression Road to Recovery Livingwith Stress Happiness

    Self-Destructive Behavior News Further Reading Loss of Joy Running on Empty

    Feeling out of control Art of Detachment Practicing Joy Finding Heroes Play

    A Generous Spirit

    http://www.undoingdepression.com/category/recent-news/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/a-generous-spirit/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/feeling-out-of-control/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/art-of-detachment/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/practicing-joy/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/finding-heroes/http://www.undoingdepression.com/self-destructive-behavior/http://www.undoingdepression.com/news/http://www.undoingdepression.com/recommended-reading/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/loss-of-joy/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/running-on-empty/http://www.undoingdepression.com/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/http://www.undoingdepression.com/road-to-recovery/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/http://www.undoingdepression.com/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/play/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/running-on-empty/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/warning-signals/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/bipolar-disorder/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/a-generous-spirit/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/play/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/finding-heroes/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/practicing-joy/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/art-of-detachment/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/feeling-out-of-control/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/running-on-empty/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/loss-of-joy/http://www.undoingdepression.com/recommended-reading/http://www.undoingdepression.com/news/http://www.undoingdepression.com/self-destructive-behavior/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/http://www.undoingdepression.com/living-with-stress/http://www.undoingdepression.com/road-to-recovery/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/http://www.undoingdepression.com/http://www.undoingdepression.com/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/less-misery/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/learning-to-be-happy/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/coping-with-grief-and-pain/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/warning-signals/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/faqs/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/diagnoses/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/bipolar-disorder/http://www.undoingdepression.com/recommended-reading/books-by-dr-o%e2%80%99connor/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/the-facts/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/quick-tips/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/an-introduction/http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/about-dr-oconnor-and-his-books/http://www.undoingdepression.com/self-destructive-behavior/http://www.undoingdepression.com/category/recent-news/http://www.undoingdepression.com/category/comments/
  • 8/13/2019 The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    2/4

    27.06.2013 17:18The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    Page 2 of 4http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/undoing-depression/the-inner-critic/

    theyre in defensive mode, I help them face what theyre afraid of.

    A good friend of mine uses the phrase compassionate curiosityto describe

    the ideal therapists attitude toward the patient. We begin therapy with a

    much more compassionate, kind, understanding stance toward the patient

    and his problems than the patient has himself. And we are curious, in a

    calm, unafraid waywe want to understand how things got to be so bad,

    and we assume that by fearlessly facing reality we will help the patient find

    relief from his distress. Compassionate curiosity is the attitude most of us,

    depressed or not, need to apply to ourselves as well. What a change that

    would be for almost everyone I know!

    That battle between the Inner Critic and the Timid Defender is much like

    the way inconsistent parents treat their children. When the Defender is in

    charge we indulge and spoil ourselves; we let ourselves off the moral hook,

    we make promises to ourselves we know we wont keep. But that Inner

    Critic is still there, waiting for our defenses to slipas they always do

    ready to condemn us, always finding that we dont measure up. We

    vacillate between spoiling ourselves and punishing ourselves. And, as with

    children who are raised that way, we end up frightened and traumatized,

    with no self-esteem and a lot of self-hate. Compassion replaces all that

    with patience, gentleness, love, grace, mercy, concern. It suggests giving

    up judging and replacing it with empathy, a willingness to face the truth

    and all your feelings about it, without fear but with confident strength.

    Curiosity suggests a little cool detachment from the emotional heat, adesire to understand objectively why we feel what we feel, why we do what

    we doespecially when its troublesome or self-defeating. Why did I get

    angry just then? Whats making me so blue today? We look at ourselves,

    not to torture ourselves, not to give ammunition to the Critic, not with

    desperation for a quick fix, but with compassion, sincere interest, and the

    belief that there are answers that make sense. No matter how nonsensical

    our behavior, no matter how odd our feelings, there are always reasons

    and knowing the truth will help set us free. We look a little deeper than

    usual, with more objectivity, and we dont just slap ourselves on the wrist

    and make an empty promise to do better next time. Why? Whats

    bothering me? Why am I afraid to look? We understand that our feelings

    are just human; they wont destroy us or drive us crazy. Most likely, they

    are tapping on our shoulder, trying to tell us something important.

    When were bouncing around between the Inner Critic and the Timid

    Defender, whos at the controls? Whos running our lives, making our

    decisions? Its like we have the Three Stooges up in our heads. Moe the

    brutal sadist, torturing us while the ineffectual Larry whines pathetic

    excuses. Curly, the id in this metaphor, full of appetites and drives, causes

    all the trouble in the first place. Nobodys in charge of our lives, and the

    More Satisfaction

    Staying Happy

    The Meaning of Life*

    Develop Will Power like a Muscle

    Mindfulness Meditation

    Practicing Mindfulness

    The Basics of Good Self-Care

    Archives

    August 2012

    November 2011

    http://www.undoingdepression.com/2011/11/http://www.undoingdepression.com/2012/08/http://www.undoingdepression.com/road-to-recovery/learning-new-skills/the-basics-of-good-self-care/http://www.undoingdepression.com/road-to-recovery/learning-new-skills/mindfulness/practicing-mindfulness/http://www.undoingdepression.com/road-to-recovery/learning-new-skills/mindfulness/mindfulness-meditation/http://www.undoingdepression.com/road-to-recovery/develop-will-power-like-a-muscle/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/finding-meaning/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/staying-happy/http://www.undoingdepression.com/finding-happiness/more-satisfaction/
  • 8/13/2019 The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    3/4

    27.06.2013 17:18The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    Page 3 of 4http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/undoing-depression/the-inner-critic/

    plane is yawing and swooping all over the sky, never getting anywhere and

    always in danger of crashing. We need a wise, calm, resourceful pilot to

    step in and get rid of these characters. Yet we need to find him within

    ourselves. Thats where mindfulness comes in.

    As I said, we start picking on ourselves because were afraid; we have

    stresses we dont know how to handle. But no one has a stress-free life.

    Sickness, loss, financial problems, job problems are things that all of us will

    have to deal with. Yet in reviewing new cases week after week at our

    mental health center, I was constantly struck by how often bad luck had

    played a major part in contributing to peoples psychological problems. I

    often wonder if I would be coping as well as my patient if Id had the same

    string of experiences. Stress is the backdrop to all our lives now; bad luck

    is often the tipping point. Contemporary society is so different from what

    our bodies and minds were designed for that were in a state of perpetual

    stress, which constantly floods us with stress hormones, and constantly

    pushes us back down over that invisible cliff into depression and/or

    anxiety. Its very difficult for anyone, but especially anyone with

    depression, to make the kinds of life changes that will significantly reduce

    the stress loadchanging careers, setting goals and following your

    priorities, enlivening and enriching your relationships.

    Worse still, depression and stress affect our ability to remember,

    concentrate, and make decisions. For instance, people who are depressedhave much greater difficulty remembering random information than people

    who are not depressed. When given new material, they have more

    difficulty connecting it with what they know alreadythe information does

    not get organized in ways that help it get learned or recalled. The cognitive

    impairment that depression inflicts is most evident on tasks that require

    complex processing or independent thinking. Other research has revealed

    the neurological mechanisms that result in the depressives hypersensitivity

    to errors in simple tasks. Its as if its not bad enough that depression

    causes us emotional pain, makes our behavior self-defeating, and drives

    others away from us; but because our thinking is damaged, when we try

    new pathways in an effort to recover, were handicapped at the outset

    because we have more trouble remembering and absorbing information

    and were distracted by trivial inconsistencies and errors. Cognitive

    therapy perhaps heals some of this damage, by focusing our attention on

    our thought processes and making us follow the discipline of logic. But the

    brain damage caused by depression and stress can be healed more

    directly through practicing a mindful way of life.

  • 8/13/2019 The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    4/4

    27.06.2013 17:18The Inner Critic | Undoing Depression

    Page 4 of 4http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/undoing-depression/the-inner-critic/

    Powered by WordPress& simpleX.

    http://wpshoppe.com/http://wordpress.org/