THE HEARTIESNEWSLETTER

Charity No. 1089481 October 2014 No. 215The September MeetingOur guest was Terry Hill who, with his wife assistant, gave us a light-hearted and nostalgic trip down memory lane with his topic of Remember This which was supplemented with photos and sketches.

The October MeetingPC Kersten Richmond from Cambridge Constabulary gave us an insight into the working life of a copper. Her confident and relaxed presentation was well received. She arrived in body armour which looked most uncomfortable and she handed round her handcuffs and truncheon for inspection. Kersten spoke to us for an hour and was thereafter available to answer questions. She is married but uses her maiden name for professional purposes.

The November Meeting This will take place on Thursday 13th November from about 7.30pm at The British Legion, Western Road, Romford. Our guest speaker was to have been a bomber pilot but he has unfortunately had to cancel as he is required to take part in a TV programme abroad about the raising of a spitfire. He regrets that he cannot make the meeting but has promised to see us next year. In the meantime we have been unable to arrange the attendance of another guest so, for a change, we will have a quiet evening and I might tell a few jokes. Maybe some of you would also like to entertain us but I will impose a time limit. I did think about karaoke but the thought did not progress!

Festive MealOnce again this has been left to Jackie to try to organise at short notice. It will hopefully take place on Thursday 4th or Tuesday 9th December at the Liberty Bell. The three course meal is priced at £15.99 plus the usual tip of £1.50. HH will not pay for drinks but will contribute the total amount of the tip. Those interested please contact Jackie on 01708 472697 as soon as possible stating your preference for which date. The full amount of £15.99 per person must be paid by our next meeting in13th November. Places are limited so contact her ASAP.

DonationsMany thanks to John Cooper for his cash donation and to Joyce Scanes, Terry Blake, Bill Waldron and Pat Dorling for books of stamps which are always welcome and much appreciated.

George and Eileen LesterAs mentioned at our last meeting Chris and Bob Maynard visited George and Eileen with flowers to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They were made very welcome and told George that if he and Eileen wanted to come along to any of our meetings they would willingly take them. Apparently they were in good spirits despite not having been too well of late.

New Year Hampers Our next meeting will be the last for this year. We will therefore be grateful for donations of non-perishable items for inclusion in the New Year hampers. Thanks to those of you who have already brought in items.

New Year PartyIf anyone would like to help with the buffet by cooking or supplying items such as sausage rolls, mince pies, canapés, etc this would be very welcome but please contact Jackie in advance so that she has some idea what to cater for. Thank you.

February AuctionAs mentioned in the last newsletter please keep your unwanted Xmas gifts or other items if you would like to donate them to the February auction. We have already had a very nice TV and a couple of other items donated by Steve Baker who has no connection with HH. He is a tree surgeon so I think it only fair to give him a mention. Give him a ring if you want that tree seen to!

Manure... An Interesting Fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ‘, (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

Her First Date!If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside

the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Contact Information If you need or wish to contact us our telephone number is 01708 472697. Our email addresses are: ken.richmond@sky.com, j.richmond47@sky.com Ken Richmond