the greatest thing i ever did read

Cover page

The Legend never dies

I present to you the greatest thing I Ever did Read

Pictures found on Google images

Title page The Greatest Thing I Ever Did Read

2012-2013

Author- Jared Johnson

Freelance Publishing

Huntsville Arkansas

May 10, 2013

Table of Contents

Dedication page page 1

Why I write stories about wizards page 2

Part one:

The Wizard who can`t be deterred. Page 2

The Wizard who shot the sheriff page 6

The Wizard who had no name page 8

The Wizard who had a names page 10

Why I write entertaining stories page 11

Part two:

Mega Ultra Chicken page 11

Solair of Astoria page 13

The Gatekeepers Warning page 14

The Willy of Legend page 15

Cereal heroes page 16

Random Encounters With a Hagel page 17

Why I find 15 second stories so fun page 18

Part three:

Let’s go yeast watching page 18

Cows Pancakes Space Ship Yeast Inc. Page 18

Jelly bread Doughnuts Desks Wheels page 19

Lightning Divine Right Paper Turkey Circles page 19

Sun cucumber Isaiah peanut butter dog collar page 20

Cosmic dance of bursting decadence page 20

And the winner of the dedication is…

I would like to dedicate this entire work to a few people. One person being Solid Snake,

had he not existed then I don’t think I could have been objective enough to write any of this.

Also, many thanks are to be received by the one known as Gandalf. That guy is the best

Part 1

I write stories about wizards because wizards are amazing. I decided to dedicate this

entire section to them, and they demonstrate the three things that make books good, but are

never used. Those three things being: abruptness, action, and a main character that can one

shot everyone. Now please, enjoy.

The Wizard Who Cannot be deterred

Through the dim light of the Dream Realms black sun, The Wizard trudged to the

peak of Kalagin`s Mountain. At last after so many long, long minutes, he had arrived at

the Dream Realm. At last, he could unlock the power of infinite knowledge.

Let us go back to the beginning of this story, when the wizard was brought forth

into this world. Many moons ago, under a dark sun on the brink of ultimate damnation of

the Earth Realm rose a creature. This creature is known as a pelgeon. The pelgeon are

fickle creatures who aren’t born, but simply wake up somewhere. This specific pelgeon

had awoken in the garden of a castle, and already the kings guard were on their way to

investigate. This pelgeon was green like the grass and leaves, and it had things upon its

head that appeared to be circles. It is at this point that he exploded. From his corpse

arose a mystical wizard. As the guards approached the scene a voice spoke out to them

saying, “Beware his power, Unspeakable power.” But the words were drug on to sound

more like, “Beeeeeware his poweeeers, Unspeakable poweeeeeers.” The wizard

brought forth his staff and cast upon the guards a spell of great power. At once all the

guards stopped and bowed to him allowing him easy access to the castle. The wizard,

cloaked in a black robe of the finest cloth in all the land, walked into the Duke`s manse.

The Duke was consulting his scriber when the wizard walked in. The Duke demanded at

once that he state his name, but all he received as a reply was, “I am The Wizard.” And

those were the last words heard by the Dukes living ears, as The Wizard had cast forth

a spell of time freezing the Duke forever in place beside his scriber who was also

frozen. In a single night The Wizard had destroyed the greatest kingdom ever to exist,

and brought forth the age of dark. The Wizard had to now go to Kalagin`s Mountain,

where this story began.

Page 3

The Wizard had reached the Dream Realm and was now going to reach

the top of Kalagin`s Mountain so that he could gain infinite knowledge, and then go

defeat the sky. This is what the prophecy said. This is why the legendary Pelonal

Whitestrake defeated Galgahin and his evil army. Had he not done that then The

Wizard would have had to, and not have been the being of darkness he is now. The

Wizard reached the top of Kalagin`s Mountain, and was greeted by the gaze of a

creature known as a jelgenha. The jelgenha brought forth a mighty spell of thunder to

cut down The Wizard, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha summoned the

Stones of Grelgenla, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha called forth a great

fire from the pits of Aswacavar, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha blew forth

a sinister wind from the Canyon of Oplegniha, but The Wizard was undeterred. Before

the jelgenha had a chance to regain its lost power, The Wizard conjured up a portal to

the great lava pits of Esgramir where the jelgenha burned to death quickly. The Wizard

continued on to the peak of the mountain. At the top he saw the guardian of infinite

knowledge. The Wizard stepped forward and spoke to the guardian. In moments he had

all the knowledge that would ever exist and all that had ever existed. With this

knowledge he teleported to the sky, and killed it with a single mighty blow. This caused

the sky which oft is looked upon to tumble and fall, and the mountain, which he found

the knowledge on, to crumble to the sea. Then The Wizards quest was done, and he

had nothing left to do in life.

The end.

This story was inspired by The Looney Tunes` Daffy Duck the Wizard

The wizard who shot the sheriff

The wizard did not care at all about how the city would fare without its sheriff. All

he knew was that he had to shoot the sheriff with his magic missile. After that he could

figure out the rest. The sheriff was a vile man who deserved to die. The wizard walked

through the small village until he saw his target, the saloon. The wizard walked into the

saloon, his heart beating the suspense incredulous, and his staff throbbing. He stepped

in and instantly started shooting everyone in the saloon with magic missiles. It probably

wouldn’t help to kill the sheriff if he killed everyone in the city as well, but oh well. Turns

out at that moment the sheriff was running from the wizard, and was 300 yards outside

the saloon. The wizard found out and gave chase. He grew tired of running so just shot

him down like the rest, but with this one he loaded the body in his wagon. You see this

wizard was a bounty hunter, and as a bounty hunter he sells dead bodies for money. A

bounty hunter is basically a law man, except he hunts people down and sells their

bodies. After the wizard loaded the sheriff’s body on the cart he set off for the appraiser.

The appraiser is what the wizard called the man who made sure the bodies were

genuine and the right person. After he made sure of that he bought it, buried it or

something and told the government he was dead.

This story was inspired by the movie Django Unchained

the wizard who had no name

The man who many called a wizard walked through the town. Nobody knew his

name, and only a few could recognize him. This man walked toward the saloon and

planned on going in to have a drink. He walked in and the bartender asked him, “what`ll

ya have?” to which he replied, “Water.” The bartender just smiled at him and said, “Ok”

and he went to get the man some water. Some fellows in the corner walked up and

started kicking the mick out of him. You see now the man didn’t like this, so he pulled

his gun and shot them. Each one had a bullet in their foot and were yelling at the top of

their lungs. The bartender came back with a tall glass of water, and instead of asking

what happened he kicked out the people from the corner and told them never to come

back. The man drank his water and left the saloon and town and went to the desert,

where he met a man named Tuco who had been looking for a stash of gold in a

graveyard. When the man told him that he knew what grave to look in, out came a man.

Let’s call him The Bad. He held up his gun and said, “Now I know about the treasure

and I also know that you two fellers know where its at. So I want you to tell me or ill

shoot.”

“Don’t do that, or you will never find it.” Said the man with no name. The Bad saw his

point and realized he was right, so he lowered his gun. Then he was shot and died.

After that the man told Tuco to start digging a grave, and he started at once. Once Tuco

found the gold he was so happy, until the man pulled out a noose. He told Tuco to stand

on a rotting wooden gravestone. He put the noose around his neck, took four gold bags

and was off on his horse. Tuco wasn’t dead yet, but he could easily slip and it didn’t

help that he was angry and screaming. After about five minutes of sitting there trying not

to slip and die, the rope was shot by the man with no name.

The end

This story was inspired by the movie The Good The Bad and The Ugly, and the wizard

with no name was Clint Eastwood

the wizard who had a name

There was an old wizard who had a name. His name was Gaznamar. He was the

most powerful wizard ever to live or exist in any way ever. He could do anything, and

even his dead corpse could do anything. It was all because of his name. The name

Gaznamar means all powerful wizard that is all but nothing. That means he was

anything except nothing, which means he couldn’t be nothing. That was his challenge in

his eternal life/death. Gaznamar found little joy in fun things, and this made him a boring

person. Eventually Gaznamar accomplished his challenge, but it wasn’t worth it to him

for in the end he had no fun. There is a moral to this story, and it is if you don’t have fun

you waste your time.

The end

This story was inspired by boredom, for boredom is the root of creativity

Part 2

I enjoy writing stories solely for entertainment rather than just boredom or

because a book was terrible. These stories I write are because other people wish to

hear something funny.

Mega ultra-chicken

And that’s when it happened, the most extraordinary thing ever. The train drove

up. I was utterly amazed, but there was a catch. The train was missing absolutely

nothing. That’s how amazing it was. Not only did the train show up, but it was standard

issue. The awesomeness of this slipped me into the Twilight Zone. Even if the sky

which we look upon were to tumble and fall, or the mountain crumble to the sea; I

wouldn’t cry, no I would not shed a tear. Just as long as that train would stand, stand by

me. And that’s when it happened. Out of nowhere came Mega Ultra Chicken, and said

to me. “Run, I dare you I double dare you puny human, run from the fire coming out of

my mouth.” I knew the only way I could survive would be to leg it. I also knew that if I

were to defeat Mega Ultra Chicken, I would find The Ecstasy of Gold on his corpse. I

decided to do both. I summoned forth a giant cow and a giant salt lick. The cow licked

the salt lick and out came Odin. He drew forth Gungnir and slew Mega Ultra Chicken,

and immediately after returned to his home. I picked up the Ecstasy of Gold and was

teleported to the lonely mountain where I became a turkey.

Solair of Astoria

Last week, I needed to take a break from gazing at the sun. sometimes I wish

that Solair and I could do other things, but engaging in jolly-co-operation is quite a

challenge in Lordran. The time we went to the Dream Realm to fight the mighty Hagel of

Caz Mo Dan was quite the experience. These were two of the things I spent spring

break doing, and much better then praising the sun. Praising the sun causes

incredulous eye pain, but if you look just right, you will be galvanized by the

magnificence of the sun. I needed to take a break from this because it gets boring, and

jolly-co-operation is much more fun.

This story was inspired by dark souls

The gatekeepers warning

Heed my warning young traveler for if you don’t then the Great Crusade of the

Legendry Gungle of Kakudda shalt forever imprison you to Isengard. Even if you cast

your pyromancy, and black magic, nothing will stand in the way of Knight Petrus of Caz

Mo Dan, son of Sir Galahad, son of Gloin. The primordial serpents shall engulf the world

in nakedness. For if none other shall rule through the retardation of Acoatmanin. Then

who are we to say that pickles shall never rule?

The Willy of legend

Willy was my brutha-man. He frolicked through the wood, and also

enjoyed to chop down certain parts of the wood. To do this, however, much work in the

dirt was required. On most occasions he would trip and fall into a corn stalk of vile

creatures. Getting dirty was required to have fun, so in this case getting dirty was good

for young Willy. Then Willy would return home to his turkey, and get nagged. No matter

how many times he said sorry, he got nagged.

Cereal heroes

The cereal was going to get soggy if I didn’t eat it fast enough. There was maybe

like 30 seconds until total sogginess. The amount of focus I used in those 30 seconds

was beyond my own comprehension. How I managed it was incredulous. I knew that

the benefit of eating cereal that wasn’t soggy was going to far exceed the expectations

of what I thought it would be. I am usually correct about these things, like when the

hobbits were taken to Isengard, and this was no exception because let’s face it,

Isengard and cereal is totally the same thing. That one piece of cereal in my bowl was

stupendous.

This story was inspired by Lord of the Rings

Random encounters with a Hagel

There are two things I must do before I die, and those are as follows:

1. Become immortal is I can do everything else on this list

2. Everything

The mighty Hagel stood ill chance against this man’s gaze of sun. It was too much

torture, however, for the man to listen to it howl with pain. Instead the man made a deal

with the Hagel to settle things differently, with a children’s card game.

Never to be continued.

Part 3

I write 15 second short stories in order to entertain myself for a short amount of

time. They are incredibly simple, and require only a small number of things. I include

them here because they are the first real type of storytelling that I ever did.

Let`s go yeast watching

As the yeast rises I look out to the sea. I think to myself about the Yeast Risers

Brigade, and how awful it is. That’s right it’s full of awe. There is like ten members now.

The best brigade in Gregorovich`s army.

Cows Pancakes Space Ship Yeast Inc.

The pancake shaped space ship flew directly of Yeast Inc., causing the cows

within to turn into disgusting flavored steak. Then out of nowhere came a ship of space

and time, and killed everything.

Jelly bread Doughnuts Desks Wheels

The wheels on the doughnuts caused the bread to roll out of control on the

highway of jelly. Though it seemed impossible, all had been lost and the desks would

surely win the war against the turkey brigade now. All was gone, all had been lost by the

actions of a single moron.

Lightning Divine Right Paper Turkey Circles

The divine Right that had forever been inscribed into the paper of the legendary

turkeys, written in lightning and purely made of circles and mutton chops. Although you

may not think it to be, there are none who shall pass the black knight.

Sun cucumber Isaiah peanut butter dog collar

Isaiah was walking his cucumber when he and it stopped to glare at the sun, and

although the cucumbers dog collar was loose he didn’t escape. They sat and ate peanut

butter for a while, and then they went home.

This cosmic dance of bursting decadence

By the rule of the Royal Tart Toter, we must dedicate this cosmic dance to him.

For if any of you remember he was caught saying, “this cosmic dance of bursting

decadence and withheld permissions twists all our arms collectively but, if sweetness

can win, and it can, then ill still be here tomorrow to high five you yesterday my friend.”

So I dedicate now this dance of bursting decadence and withheld permissions to him. I

say to you people now, peace and good fortune to you all.

This story was entirely dedicated to and inspired by Adventure Time,

the greatest thing i ever did read

Documents

wizards page

hagel page

names page

sheriff page

best page

cover page

fun page

entertaining stories