The Government Inspector

The Government Inspector

Nikolai Gogol

Translated by Roger Cockrell

ALMA CLASSICS

AlmA ClAssiCs an imprint of

AlmA books ltd 3 Castle Yard Richmond Surrey TW10 6TF United Kingdom www.almaclassics.com

The Government Inspector first published in Russian in 1836 This edition first published by Alma Classics in 2019

Translation and Notes © Roger Cockrell, 2019

Cover design by Will Dady

Published with the support of the Institute for Literary Translation, Russia.

Printed in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon CR0 4YY

isbn: 978-1-84749-815-1

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or other-wise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not be resold, lent, hired out or otherwise circulated without the express prior consent of the publisher.

Contents

Introduction vii

The Government Inspector 1Characters 4Notes for the Actors 5Act One 9Act Two 31Act Three 51Act Four 75Act Five 113

Note on the Text 137Notes 137

The Government Inspector

T H E G OV E R N M E N T

I N S P E C TO R

A Comedy in Five Acts

Do not blame the mirror if it’s your own mug that’s crooked.

ukrAiniAn folk sAying

4

Characters*

Anton AntonoviCh skvoZnik-dmukhAnovsky, Mayor

AnnA AndreyevnA, his wifemAryA AntonovnA, his daughterlukA lukiCh khlopov, Inspector of Schoolshis WifeAmmos fyodoroviCh lyApkin-tyApkin, JudgeArtemy filippoviCh ZemlyAnikA, Charities

CommissionerivAn kuZmiCh shpyokin, Postmasterpyotr ivAnoviCh dobChinskypyotr ivAnoviCh bobChinsky local landowners

ivAn AlexAndroviCh khlestAkov, St Petersburg civil servant

osip, his servantkhristiAn ivAnoviCh hÜbner, District Physicianfyodor AndreyeviCh lyulyukov retired civilivAn lAZAreviCh rAstAkovsky servants,stepAn ivAnoviCh korobkin respected citizensstepAn iliCh ukhovertov, Chief of Policesvistunovpugovitsyn police constablesderZhimordAAbdulin, a shopkeeperfevronyA petrovnA poshlyopkinA, a locksmith’s wifesergeAnt’s WidoWmishkA, Mayor’s servantWAiter At the innMale and female guests, shopkeepers, petitioners

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5

Characters and Costumes

Notes for the Actors

The mAyor: a man who has been in the job for many years and who, in his own way, is far from stupid. While happy to accept bribes, he conducts himself with dignity; fairly serious; even something of a moralizer; speaks neither too loudly nor too softly, neither too much nor too little. Every word he speaks is fraught with meaning. His fea-tures are coarse and unyielding, the features of someone who has begun a gruelling career from the very bottom rung. He is able to switch with some ease from fear to joy, from subservience to arrogance, just like any man of coarse disposition. Habitually to be seen in a uniform with collar tabs and spurred boots. He has close-cropped hair with streaks of grey.

AnnA AndreyevnA, his wife: a provincial coquette, not yet elderly, her education stemming partly from romantic novels and albums, and partly from her expe-rience in charge of the pantries and the maids’ rooms. Inquisitive, capable at times of vanity. Sometimes able to lord it over her husband, for the simple reason he is at a loss to know how to respond to her. But her power is confined merely to trivia and to telling him off and jeering at him. Changes her costume four times in the course of the play.

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the government inspeCtor

khlestAkov: a young man of about twenty-three, slightly built; a little stupid and, as they say, not fully in charge upstairs. One of those people who are seen in government offices as lacking any substance. Speaks and acts completely off the cuff. Incapable of dwelling on any thought for any length of time. His speech is jerky, and words fly out of his mouth totally unexpectedly. The more the person playing this part is able to demonstrate simple-heartedness and naivety, the more effective he will be. Fashionably dressed.

osip, his servant: typical of those servants who have seen better days. Speaks in a serious tone; tends to look down on others; a moralizer; fond of admonishing his master under his breath. Always speaks in an even tone of voice, and when talking to his master adopts a stern, curt and even somewhat coarse expression. He is cleverer than his master, and therefore quicker on the uptake, but he doesn’t like to talk much, preferring to keep his rogu-ish thoughts to himself. Goes around in a shabby grey or dark-blue waistcoat.

bobChinsky and dobChinsky: both small and short, always prying, and extraordinarily alike each other. Both possess little pot bellies. Both gabble away, gesticulating wildly. Dobchinsky is a little taller and more serious than Bobchinsky, but Bobchinsky is the more expansive and lively of the two.

Lyapkin-Tyapkin, the Judge: a man who has read half a dozen books, and therefore something of a freethinker. Extremely fond of conjectures, he gives great weight to everything he says. The person playing him should always

7

notes for the ACtors

maintain a portentous expression. Speaks in a deep bass voice, drawing out his words in a prolonged fashion, and wheezing hoarsely like an old clock hissing as it prepares to strike.

Zemlyanika, the ChArities Commissioner: a very large, clumsy and ungainly man, but for all that a manipu-lative scoundrel. Fawning and hypercritical.

The postmAster: Simple-hearted to the point of naivety.

The other parts do not require special explanation. Their prototypes can be found almost anywhere.

The actors must pay particular attention to the final scene. The very final word uttered on stage must have an immediate and sudden electrifying effect on everyone. The entire cast must alter their positions in a split second. All the ladies must cry out in surprise simultaneously, as if coming from one voice. If these directions are not observed, the whole effect will be lost.

9

ACt one

A room in the Mayor’s house.

Scene 1

mAyor, ChArities Commissioner, inspeCtor of sChools, Judge, Chief of poliCe, distriCt physiCiAn, tWo poliCe ConstAbles.

mAyor: Gentlemen, I have invited you here to convey some extremely unpleasant news. We are to be visited by a government inspector.

Judge: Inspector?ChArities Commissioner: What inspector?mAyor: A government inspector from St Petersburg.

Incognito. And, what’s more, with secret instructions.Judge: You’re not serious!ChArities Commissioner: As if we hadn’t got enough

to worry about!inspeCtor of sChools: Good Lord! With secret

instructions!mAyor: I had a kind of premonition this would happen.

Last night I had this dream about two extraordinary rats – went on all night. No, really, never seen any-thing like them: black and incredibly large! Came up to me, sniffed at me – and then went away. Anyway,

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the government inspeCtor

let me read you the letter that arrived from Andrei Ivanovich Chmykhov – you know the fellow, Artemy Filippovich. Here’s what it says: “My dear friend, cousin and benefactor… (Mutters to himself, his eyes running quickly over the page.) To let you know…” Ah! Here we are: “I hasten, amongst other things, to let you know that a civil servant has arrived with instructions to inspect the entire province, and our district in particular.” (Raises his finger in a significant gesture.) “I have this from the most reliable sources, although he’s posing as a private person. Because I know that, like everyone else, you occasionally blot your copybook and, as an intelligent person, never let anything slip through your fingers…” (Pauses.) Well, we’re all friends here… “I advise you to be on your guard, since he could arrive at any time… in fact, he could be here already, living somewhere incognito… Yesterday I…” He moves on to family matters at this point… “My sister Anna Kirilovna arrived with her husband; Ivan Kirilovich has put on a great deal of weight, and plays the violin non-stop…” etc., etc. So that’s the position.

Judge: Yes, and a most unusual one too; I’ve never heard anything like it. There’s something odd going on here.

inspeCtor of sChools: But why, Anton Antonovich? What’s all this about? Why is there a government inspector coming?

mAyor: Why?! Simply fate, I should think. (Sighs.) Up to now, thank God, they’ve always picked on other towns. Now it’s our turn.

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ACt one • sCene 1

Judge: In my opinion, Anton Antonovich, there’s a subtle, largely political reason for it all. The point is this: Russia… yes… Russia wants to go to war, and so the government, you see, has sent a civil servant to root out any traitors.

mAyor: Brilliant! And you’re supposed to be an intel-ligent man! Traitors in a provincial town! It’s hardly a border town, is it? You could gallop for three years in any direction and you’d still be miles away from any other country.

Judge: No, I tell you, you haven’t… you haven’t… those government chaps are not stupid: it doesn’t matter how far away we are, they have us in their sights.

mAyor: Whether they have or not, you have been warned, gentlemen. Be on your guard! Speaking for myself, I have already taken one or two precautions, and advise you to do the same. You especially, Artemy Filippovich! As he goes on his rounds, this civil serv-ant will undoubtedly want to inspect your charitable institutions – so you must do everything to ensure everything’s shipshape: that the nightcaps are clean, and that the patients don’t go around looking like blacksmiths, as they usually do.

ChArities Commissioner: Well, no problem there; they can certainly have clean nightcaps.

mAyor: Yes, and see that there’s an inscription on every bed written in Latin or some such language… this is your area now, Khristian Ivanovich… the name of the particular illness, the day and the date when the patient fell ill… And you’ve got to stop your patients smoking

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the government inspeCtor

such strong tobacco: you start sneezing as soon as you go in the room. And while on the subject, why not get rid of some of them? If there are too many, it will immediately be put down to bad management or an incompetent doctor.

Artemy filippoviCh: Oh, you don’t have to worry about the medical side of things, Khristian Ivanovich and I have taken all the necessary steps: the closer to nature, the better – we don’t resort to expensive medicines. Man is a simple creature: if he dies, then he dies; if he gets better, then he gets better. In any case, Khristian Ivanovich would find it difficult to talk to them, as he doesn’t know a single word of Russian.

(The distriCt physiCiAn emits a sound somewhere between “ee” and “eh”.)

mAyor: As for you, Ammos Fyodorovich, I would advise you to do something about that courthouse of yours. In the front room where the petitioners usually wait, the watchmen are raising a family of geese, and the gos-lings are getting under everyone’s feet. There’s nothing wrong with owning domestic animals, of course, and there’s no reason why watchmen shouldn’t do such things. It’s just that the courtroom’s not quite the right place for it – I’ve been meaning to have a word with you about it before, but it keeps on slipping my mind.

Judge: I’ll have them put in the kitchen today. Why don’t you come to dinner to see for yourself?

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ACt one • sCene 1

mAyor: Besides, I really don’t like the way you have all that rubbish lying around in your chambers… and then there’s that whip hanging above the cupboard with your papers. I know you’re fond of hunting, but put it somewhere else until the inspector’s been, and then you can put it back. And that assessor of yours… He’s an erudite man, I know, but he reeks as if he’s just emerged from a distillery – that’s unacceptable too. Again, I’ve been meaning to say something for ages, but my mind must have been on other things. There is something you could do about it if, as he claims, it’s his natural smell. You could try to get him to eat onion or garlic, perhaps. Maybe there’s something Khristian Ivanovich could give him.

(The distriCt physiCiAn emits the same sound.)

Judge: No, there’s nothing you can do about it. He says his mother hit him as a child, and ever since he’s gone around smelling slightly of vodka.

mAyor: Well, I just thought I’d point it out. As far as my own private arrangements are concerned – that point in Andrei Ivanovich’s letter when he talks about me “blotting my copybook” – there’s nothing I can say. Anyway, it’s rather an odd remark to make: there can’t be anyone who hasn’t sinned at some time in his life – that’s been ordained by God, whatever those followers of Voltaire might have to say about it.*

Judge: But what do you mean by “sinned”, Anton Antonovich? There’s sinning and sinning. I tell everyone

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the government inspeCtor

openly I take bribes – but what kind of bribes? Borzoi puppies – that’s not the same thing at all.

mAyor: Borzoi puppies or not, bribes are bribes.Judge: Not really, Anton Antonovich. What if, for exam-

ple, someone accepts a 500-rouble fur coat or shawl for his wife?…

mAyor: All right, it’s just borzoi puppies in your case. But then you don’t believe in God, and you never go to church. At least I’m a true believer, someone who goes to church every Sunday. But you… Oh, I know you: you only have to begin talking about the creation of the world for everyone to start bristling.

Judge: But at least it’s my own idea.mAyor: But sometimes having an idea can do more

harm than having no ideas at all. Anyway, I thought I’d just bring up the district courthouse, but it’s hardly likely that anyone will want to go there: it’s in the enviable position of being under divine protection. But you, Luka Lukich, as Inspector of Schools, will have to do something about your teach-ers. They’re clever people, of course, educated at various colleges, but they behave very oddly, in a way that’s incompatible with their scholarly status. There’s one, for example, that fat-faced fellow… forgotten his name… who can’t go up to his desk without pulling the most frightful face. Like this. (Pulls a face.) And then he’ll start stroking his beard under his cravat. It doesn’t matter of course if he pulls that face at a pupil – maybe that’s something he needs to do, I’m not one to judge. But, as you’d

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ACt one • sCene 1

no doubt agree, if he were to do it to a visitor, it would make a terrible impression; a government inspector or someone else might well take it as a personal insult. And goodness knows what that would lead to.

inspeCtor of sChools: That’s all very well, but what can I do about him? I’ve been on at him about it several times already. Just the other day, when our Marshal* was about to enter the classroom, he pulled such an appalling face I’ve never seen the like. I know he means well, but then I get told off for corrupting the young with my freethinking ideas.

mAyor: And I’ve also been meaning to have a word with you about the history teacher. He’s clearly got a head on his shoulders, and is incredibly knowledge-able about his subject, but he gets so passionately involved in what he’s saying he goes off the rails. I heard him once: so long as he was talking about the Assyrians and the Babylonians he was fine, but then, when he’d moved on to Alexander the Great, I simply can’t tell you what happened. As God is my witness, I thought there was a fire! He leapt up from his desk, picked up a chair and hurled it onto the floor. Now, I know Alexander the Great is a heroic figure, but why start smashing chairs? They cost government money to replace.

inspeCtor of sChools: Yes, he’s a hot-headed fellow, as I’ve told him several times already… “That may be so,” he always replies, “but I’d sacrifice my life for the cause of learning.”

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the government inspeCtor

mAyor: There seems to be some mysterious law at work here: a clever man is either a drunkard or he makes such appalling faces they’d put the wind up a saint.

inspeCtor of sChools: God help anyone who goes into education! You’re always liable to be criticized. Everyone’s always interfering, wanting to show they’re as clever as you are.

mAyor: None of that would matter if it weren’t for this damned incognito business! We’ll suddenly have some-one poking their head round the door, saying: “Ah, there you are, lovely people. Tell me,” he’ll ask, “who’s the judge here?” “Lyapkin-Tyapkin.” “Fetch me Lyapkin-Tyapkin!” “What about the Charities Commissioner?” “Zemlyanika.” “Fetch me Zemlyanika!” That’s what’s so terrible.

Scene 2

The same, with the postmAster.

postmAster: I say, gentlemen, what’s all this about a government inspector?

mAyor: What, you mean you haven’t heard?postmAster: I heard something from Pyotr Ivanovich

Bobchinsky. He was in the post office just now.mAyor: Well? What do you think?postmAster: What do I think? There’ll be war with

the Turks.Judge: Told you! My opinion exactly.mAyor: They’re both barking mad!