the “good job” blues · alfie kohn. unconditional parenting , p. 37. paul epstein, ph.d. the...
TRANSCRIPT
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
why “good job” rears “bad job”
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
conjugating good job
I am addicted.
You are addicted.
We are addicted.
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Synonyms: � Admiration
� Admire
� Glorify
� Worship
Antonyms� Criticize
� Vilify
to praise …
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
the good job blues
Feeling Good While Developing
� Uncertainty
� Suspicion
� Loss of Trust
� Guilt
� Dependency
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
the good job blues
On Monday …
On Tuesday …
On Wednesday …
On Thursday …
On Friday …
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
the question
What would you say if you
stopped telling children,
“Good job!”
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
the good job blues
A DistinctionAlfie Kohn. (2005). Unconditional parenting, pp. 10-11.
Conditional Love� Love children for what they do or don’t do.
� Earn rewards (love) according to external standards and rewards.
� Don’t reward unacceptable behaviors with pleasant consequences.
Unconditional Love� Love children for who they are and for no good reason.
� Teach, talk it through, and reflect on what happened.
� Set clear limits.
� Express gratitude.
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
the good job blues
Behaviorism
� How we act is who we are.
� External rewards and punishments teach us how to act.
� These reinforce or extinguish behavior.
� Reward children for acting how we want.
� When children don’t act how we want, withhold the things they like.
� Withhold toys, privileges, our love ….
stimulus reinforcedr
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Some “common sense”: child acts unruly.
� Child screams and throws her toys instead of taking her bath.
� When she calms down, her parent reads her favorite story.
� The parent’s affection reinforces screaming and throwing.
stimulus reinforcedr
the good job blues
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Research findings - withholding love
� Younger children experience anxiety.
� Older children may experience depression.
� Teenagers loose touch with their real selves and pretend to
be a person whom their parents would love.
� The greater the conditional love, the lower the self-
perception of
self-worth; the lower the self-perception of self-esteem.
the good job blues
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Researched findings - rewards
� Children and adults become less successful at tasks
when rewarded for doing them.
� Obedience is temporary; children stop doing tasks when there is no
longer a payoff or when there is a payoff of equal or lesser value.
� Children rewarded for doing something nice do not think of
themselves as nice; they are less likely to be helpful when not given
rewards.
the good job blues
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Why “good job” backfires:
� Praise becomes stress to keep up the “good job.”
� Interest declines; intrinsic motivation declines.
� Focus becomes how to get more praise and not self-satisfaction of
completing the task.
� External motivation tends to erode intrinsic motivation.
the good job blues
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Why “good job” backfires:
� Dependency grows instead of self-reliance and creativity.
The more they are praised, the more children need to be praised.
� Praise is another form of control. Adults reward what they like and
what they want.
� “Good job” is not praise, it is a judgment.
Children hear, “I love you because ….”
the good job blues
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Extrinsic motivation - receive a reward or avoid a
punishment - as a means to an end.
� Read for a sticker.
Intrinsic motivation – doing for its own sake.
� Reading for the enjoyment of reading.
� Students tend to learn better when progress descriptions are
used instead of letter or number grades.
the good job blues
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
A big difference:
the good job blues
I’m Proud of My Child
I’m Proud of My Child
Who was Student of the Month
Alfie Kohn. Unconditional parenting, p. 37.
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
unconditional love parenting
A Choice
� Control – Rewards & Consequences
� Mutual Empowerment
parent’s
needs
child’s
needs
connecting
with
empathy
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
It’s harder to make sure children feel loved
unconditionally than it is just to love them. It’s
harder to respond to them in all their complexity
than it is to focus just on their behaviors. It’s harder
to try to solve problems with them, to give them
reasons for doing the right thing (let alone to help
them formulate their own reasons), than it is to
control them with carrots and sticks. “Working
with” asks more of us than does “doing to.”
Alife Kohn. Unconditional parenting, p. 118.
unconditional love parenting
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
Child acts unruly – ULP Understanding
� Child screams and throws her toys instead of taking her bath.
� When she calms down, her parent reads her favorite story.
� Parent attends to the whole child, not just her behaviors.
� The behaviors are expressions of needs, intentions, feelings,
thoughts.
� The parent asks with empathy about her own and the child’s
unmet needs.
� The parent and child together work to resolve issues.
parent’s
needs
child’s
needs
connecting
with
empathy
unconditional love parenting
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
gratitude
Confirms that a need has been met.
� Expressing gratitude is natural.
� But we are addicted - enculturated and schooled – to withhold or
give reward and praise.
Gratitude is expressed as a celebration of life.
� It is neither reward nor praise.
Paul Epstein, Ph.D. The “good job” blues.
gratitude as celebration of life
Gratitude is expressed as a celebration of life.
It is neither reward nor praise.
1. Give a clear observation. When I look at your picture,
2. State your present feeling. I feel really happy,
3. State what need was met. Because creativity is important to me.