the gift and art of eldering

7/29/2019 The Gift and Art of ElderIng

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Hugs as aformofelderingby Susan Furry

L ast Sunday, an older Friend greetedme after worship with a big hug. Isaid, "Thank you for eldering me."She recoiled and said, "O h no, I didn'tmean it thatway!" Aftera little explanation,my friend was reassured. But though Ididn't intend to shock her, I really meantmy remark, that she was eldering me andthat I was grateful for it. Her hug was notjust exuberance, nor was it a formality. Itexpressed her real desire to comfort andreassure me during a difficult period, hersincere appreciation ofme as a person, herwarm interest in my spiritual and personalgrowth. She didn't have to say these thingsto me in words, because over the years shehasexpressed them in many ways. In givingme that hug, she was an instrumentof God,expressing to me God's love and concern.I have been blessed to receive suchelderipg from many Friends, some olderelders and some "elders" much youngerthan I. A few examples: a Friend drivingme to New Hampshire to visit a Friend injail after the Seabrook nuclear power protest, not expecting to be able to visit herself, just going along for support.A Friend I knew not well sending me a completelyunexpected gift ofmoney at a time when Ineeded it, not financially, but emotionallyneeded to receive tangible evidence of thelove that surrounds me. A "Ne w EnglandYearly Meeting Misses You" postcardsigned by many Friendswhen I had stayedaway from yearly meeting sessions for personal reasons. An invitation to write forThese essays appeared in the Spring 1998 issueofThe New England Friend.Reprinted withper-mission. Susan Furry is a memberofSmithfield(Rl) Meeting. Emily Sander is a member ofFriends Meeting at Cambridge (Mass.). BrianDrayton is a member ofWeare {NH) Meet-ing. jan Hoffman is a member ofMt. Toby{Mass.) Meeting. Clarabel Marstaller is a mem-ber ofDurham {Maine} Meeting.10

The New England Friend implying that Imay have something to offer, somethingworth listening to. A phone call invitingme to supper, after a Friend had noticedthat I was upset. Friends telling me, invarious ways, that vocal ministty whichcame through me had spoken to theircondition. Friends encouraging me to accept nomination for new responsibilities.Many, many hugs, expressions of loveand support and appreciation and concern.A recent e-mail message: "I am holdingyou in prayer and ask that Go d be withyou and companion you through whatever is to come and bring you into the lifethat Go d would have you lead. May theLord hold you in his everlasting arms."Of course, I've been on the receivingend of the mo re common understandingofeldering, too. But I have felt bruised byit only once or rwice, because it almostalways has come in a context of lovingconcern and support. On e of the firsttimes was after I had spoken during worship, shortly after I started attending Cam-bridge (Mass.) Meeting, and an elderFriend said to me, "''m so glad you spoke

in meeting. I wish I could have heverything you said." It's easier to words of eproofor caution when youthat the speakerlikes you, appreciates and wishes you well. Within a contelongstanding relationships ofloveandcern, I have been able to hear and acsome sharp and painful insights, andfeel grateful for the honesty of lovecommunicated them and for the optunity of growth that was offered. Ideeply grateful for all the eldering I received amongFriends. It has helpedguided me in essential ways.It's sad that Friends no longer renize and encourage eldership as a defandvalued roleamong us, but that domean it has stopped happening. Welder each other at times, but the HSpirit continues to use certain peoplespecial ministry of encouragementguidance. We all know such people inmeetings, though we seldom acknedge it directly, and we know thatgifts are an essential pan of our religcommunity. Praise God that we stillelders among us!

October 1998 FRIENDS jO UR


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n open mindd an open

Sanderhen eldering is offered only ascriticism, those timesseem lesseffective than when a nurturencouraging interest in someone' spath is the form of eldering. At

Meeting at Cambridge (Mass.)arise informallyout. Incases we are unaware of he effect weAs clerkof meeting, I included someon a list to be called in case of aemergency during the summer.years later th is person described

w that gave her a new sense of havingtime, Ibeing asked by an experiencediend if I had thought of serving thein a particular way. I hadn't, andsuggestion opened new possibilities.

On e form that eldering takes in ours when a person experiencesand requests a clearness commitstryand Counsel. This comee helps clarify what they are meant toand how the meeting could support

d be enriched by that calling. Occasionan oversight committee is requestedsomeone is taking on a major spiriand would like help

Wri ting this articleprompts me to conwhycritical eldering often goes awry.ofall, when one is asked to do someas compared with a leadingoriginatwithin oneself, the effect can be lessand responsive. On the other hand,discernment can be extremely imas a balance to one's own biases.vocal ministry has oppositeects on different people. I remember

e time when a person spoke critically toeone about her vocal ministry withresult that the person was silent inNDS JouRNAL October 1998

meeting for several years. Many others inthe meeting were saddened because herministry had been helpful.An older Friend once commented in aMinistry and Counsel discussion aboutvocal ministry that she hoped we wouldconsider that the meeting for worship isquite strong. I interpret her comment tomean that we need to have trust in God'sprocess and avoid the perils of conformity- the fresh springs of new life oftencome in unexpected and sometimes unwelcome forms. Preparing ourselves during the week for meeting for worship so

thatwe do not come spirituallydesperate,listening in a kindly way to where wordscome from, and being open to taking ourpart in the vocal ministry i f o led will helpstrengthen the worship.

A further difficulty crops up with thedistortions that can arise: when peoplehear somethingpositive about themselves,they tend to diminish what they hear;when they feel criticized, they sometimesenlarge what was said. I wonder if askingpeople what they are taking away from adiscussion would minimize this effect.

Th e other day Bar Cummings St.Johnreminded me of advice about elderingfrom Ed Sanders, who was our ResidentFriend some years ago. He suggested looking with the other person at how something was affecting the community. Thatapproach avoids someone feeling personally attacked and establishes a more balancedand shared search. Mymother, AnnaJones, commented, "You have to have anopen mind and an open heart when youelder someone." I agree and am aware thatsometimes our feelings about what weperceive as a problem cut down on thatopenness.

All forms of eldering seem to workbetter the more we let God into the process, through prayers, through earnest attempts to listen and be faithful, an dthrough realizing that God, and not weourselves, will reach the other's imagination. Our responsibility is to stay mindfulof and responsive to that of God in theother. I had a friend who felt most of hermistakes in life had come ftom not allowing enough tim e. Eldering generallyneeds time. 0

A meeting's lifeneeds guidance,stimulus, andcultivationby Brian Drayton

AFriends have discussed what isnecessary for vital meetings, they

have sometimes referred to thetraditional roles labeled "minister" and "elder." We proceed best in considering elders when we remember that we are nottalking about an abstract "job description," but rather individuals who are wellgrown "in the Truth," alert to thepromptings of the Inward Monitor., andlovinglyconcerned for the meetingas wellas for its members. What does elderinglook like?

The elders had essentially a nurturingrole, and one might say that .their voice isembodied in our queries, for they werealways to be asking questions: How is themeetingfor worshiprDo Friends have theministry they need? Are the young beingwell educated?Are you regular and punctual in attendance?Are Friends being buried, married, set up in business,and choosing their habitations after the manner ofFriends?Ministering Friends are easy to spot -part of their calling is to stand up and beheard; bu t it is hard to know how tonurture the birth and growth of elders,because they can so often be unobtrusive.They are the quiet, thoughtful , prayerfulFriends whose learningand inward growthdo not stop and whose care for the meeting grows as they grow.I havenever been partofa meeting thatappointed elders officially, but I have received eldering of the best kind. For me,the perfect example is an aged Friend inFriends Meeting at Cambridge, Mass.,who, after I (or another young person)spoke in meeting, would just happen to

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appear at my elbow during the coffeehour and say, was thinking about whatyou said in meeting, and it seems tome.... The comment, full of caringattention on behalf of the meeting heloved, would often show far greater understanding of he message I had broughtthan I had myself His long reflections,prayer, and study illuminated his hearingand his speaking.A meeting's life needs guidance, stimulus, and cultivation-a healthy diet ofseveral kinds of discipline. Living elders(of whatever age!) can speak the hardtruths of support and encouragement,and of restraint or even reproof, becausewe see how they love us faithfully. Ofcourse, words are not needed when theliving is the message, and I know formyselfthat I have been learning the lessonsofsimplicity, directness, and simple prayerfrom some elders I meet who teach merelyby their commitment to living Friends'understanding of the Gospel, in the inward life as well as the outward.

The minister-elder dynamicby Jan H o f f i n ~T here are different functions peopleneed to carry out for a communityto be faithful together. On e ofthese is eldering, essentially a nurturingfunction. For me, eldering belongs withministry in a dynamic relationship. Whena messageor a call to service is rising up inthe minister, an elder (or several) may beessential in drawing it out-in ways thatdeepen the ministry and increase the faithfulness ofboth people. Both ministry andeldering are gifts, and as such, they need tobe exercised for the building up of thefaith community, not for the self-fulfillment of he one with the gift.Given this brief space, I will simplyoffer some phrases as intimations oflargerstories of times I functioned as the minister in a minister-elder dynamic. When Ispeak or lead a workshop, I always seekthe placewhereelderingwill come fromwhether that is one person whose name12

It s areal challenge for allofus to learntovalue such people, even though theywouldbe the first to point ou t ways in whichthey need to better themselves. But Friendshave always recognized that it is possibleto grow as practitioners of the Quakerway, that in fact one can ripen and deepenin one's understanding, discipline, consistency, and discernment. In any family,we grow best when we see all the stages oflife, from infancy to seniority, each forwhat it is, and for what each uniquelybrings. So too in our meetings, we all arehelped and inspired to progress on ourspiritual paths when among the new andthe formerly new we also have those whoare settled, rooted, and experienced. Wedo them and ourselves a favor by recognizing what they have to offer.Such Friends may make importantcontributions by the way they react tochallenge. I was once part of a group ofyoung adult Friends who felt the need tohear the voice ofsome elders in the meeting who were reluctant to take too visible

rises up for me--or the plannirig o m m i t ~tee who invited me--or trusting God tosend someone without my asking them.After one talk I was no t clear whether Ihad been faithful or not, and I stewedabout this for a week before calling one ofthe many folks I consider elders. I hadbabbled on for awhile when he interrupted me. "I just want to say to you, 'Goplay tennis or something.' I don't knowwhether you were faithful or not, but I doknow that trying to seek further clarityabout it is not good for your spiritualhealth. Sometimes wewill not know ifwewere faithful or not-and we just have tolet it go.''

On another occasion, I felt unfaithfulafter the second of three talks and calledanother of my elders to share my confusion and ask for his guidance. He said,"First, it won't do much good to tell youthis, but do not be afraid. Second, youhave to ask yourself if you are willing togive that message [which was 'Repent'] . Ifyou're not willing to give it, you won 'tknow if it's your message or not. And ifyou are willing to give it, maybe it's notthe message you're going to give. Th eimportant thing is for you to be willing togive any message."On this same occasion, God sent me

a role in the meeting, however friendship and guidance they gave ivate. We approached a few of hese pand told them how we wanted tomore from them, wanted them to more to the meetings of business orship than they were in the habit of d(This kind of stimulus can come frnominating committee as well!) TFriends reacted quite true to form:protested their own inadequacies bulistened carefully, and each in theirway over the next year or so made tselves more available to the meeting,good effect. This was servant leadein a real sense, and it nourished.O f course, we cannot recognizecall out gifts in our meeting's membwe are not ourselves steady in frequbringing our meeting and its membefore our minds and in our prayersing the week. In this way, the Lighcan open the Scriptures' meanings can also open and illuminate our knedge ofeach other.

an elder who wrote me beforehandshe was led to come specifically tofor me. After my unfaithful secondwas called to find elders to gathworship with me 30 minutes beforthird talk and to pray for me whspoke. Near the conclusion of hat pof worship, she spoke, "In the kinministry that Jan Hoffinan is bringius, it may feel more comfortable to ustand that if Jan should go into siwhile she is speaking, it's a call to cdown with her, to deepen the silencto deepen the prayer around her. Ishould ask Friends, as she did on Tday, to call the message out, this woucalling out by virtue ofa listening heI felt tremendous power in the paround me, and a faithful, deep mewas drawn out.Later I spoke to someone whobeen led to be one of those elderssaid, "The strangest thing happenquestion would come into my mindthe next moment you would answerifl had spoken it aloud.' 'I hope this conveys the power i"drawing out" function of elderinghas enabled a deeper ministry to cforth than would otherwise have possible.

October 1998 FRIENDS JoU


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From theFacing BenchFor many years with back against the wallI've waited patiently the pull of gracein view of friends who sit across the aislein simple warmth that beggars affluence.I've watched how seekers' lips will settlein smile or frown so faint you have to guessif the spirit peering through a faceis faith or more restrained intelligence.But I have heard a quiet spark incitea new or timid Quaker to he r feetto send an earnest message to the heartof all and fuse the meeting's soul with light.And I have seen their babies inch to menand elders bend and shrink within their skintill one First Day their space is empty woodas they resolve in dust and love again.From silence born to silence we return.Ou r lives like diving comets split the night.It's well to beat the heavens in our needto share a teasing fragment of God's sight.It's well we turn to spirit at the last.Life that arcs toward light is never lost.as mentoring -Gary SteinGary Stein is a member ofSandy Spring (Md.) Meeting.Clarabel Marstaller

e rapidly growing religiousmovement responding to GeorgeFox's ministry led early Friendsgood order by acknowledgingpersons as "elders." For aboutwere picked from minisof he Gospel. Then others who were

t ministers were recognized for theiritual depth and wisdom in matters ofphysical need, morality,

d conduct.By the next century, disownment formarrying "outofmeetentering military serbecame fairly common. In hindlook upon disownment as aof he meetingcommunity and the"Eldering" has come to be seen as aa meeting.For many years, the body we call MinCounsel was made up ofminis-JOURNAL October 1998

ters and elders. In New England YearlyMeeting we have given up the designation of"elders" and appoint members toMinistry and Counsel without such designations. We might well call those onMinistry and Counsel "elders."The first responsibilityofMinistry andCounsel is to be committed to God andGod's kingdom. Ou r dearest understanding of God's kingdom has come through

our experience ofJesus Christ. Ou r relationship with God becomes valid throughprayer. Ministry and Counsel should be apraying group-praying for the meetingand for each other.From a New Testament perspective (IPeter 5:1-9), elders feel a responsibilityfor the spiritual development of those inthe meeting. For guidance from the elders to be effective, they should be maturein faith, open to leadings from others,

dependable, and acquainted with othersof the meeting, especially children andyouth. Then an elder may follow andencourage the spiritual growth of ayoung person, and because of friendshipof seve ral years, the elder is in a positionto offer guidance as one trusted by theyouth.We have not had a mentoring arrangement in Durham (Maine) Meeting, but I am aware of a meeting in NewEngland Yearly Meeting where each childand youth had an adult assigned as aspecial friend; they spoke together frequently, the child might sit with the adultin meeting for worship, and they mightoccasionally pursue an activity together.In such a situation of trust, guidancewould be accepted, and ideas and suggestions be mutually beneficial.

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the gift and art of eldering

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