The first duty of loveis to listen.

Eric Fromm

•The most underrated comm skill•A skill that can be learned

How well do you listen?

1) If I don’t agree with someone, I tune them out

2) When subject is boring, my attention wanders

3) When a subject is difficult, I have trouble concentrating.

4) When a subject is unpleasant I have trouble listening

How well do you listen? (cont)

5) As I am listening, I often think of what to say next

6) When I am the subject of conversation, I find it easier to listen

7) I look like I am paying attention, while I am not really listening at all.

8) I listen without thinking of questions to ask the speaker

How well do you listen? (cont)

9) When people ask me for advice, I give it to them

10) Listening to people’s feelings makes me uncomfortable

11) Other people have accused me of not paying attention.

What’s your score?

Adults / Rankin College Students / Barker et al 1992

What is Effective Listening?

Listening despite the difference!!!1) Thought Speed vs Speech speed.

• thought speech 300-600 wpm• speech speed 100-150 wpm

2) Difference of Opinion

• Pseudo-listeners• Selective listeners• Defensive listeners

• Lazy - listener• Take-turns listener• Insecure listener.

• Competitive listener

• Active.• mentally involved with speaker• not distracted / focused• receive better rewards

» better grades» more aware of events» avoid boredom - way of involving themselves

• Passive Listeners - record but don’t evaluate what they hear

• Informational.• gathering facts / info• separate message from speaker• always an opportunity• GOAL - understanding

• Critical• evaluate quality of message• most useful in persuasive context• GOAL - judge / analyze

• Empathic Listening• listening for feelings / emotions• GOAL - develop / maintain relationships

It’s easy!

Responses that hamper Empathic Listening

• Evaluating• “ why don’t you stop trying?”

• Denying Feelings.• “ You shouldn’t feel that way”

• Defending the other• “ You have to understand his/her side”

Responses that hamper Empathic Listening

• Questioning• “What did you do to make this happen”

• Expressing Pity.• “ I feel so sorry for you”

• Being Philosophical• “ Sometimes that’s the way things go”

Most Important Response thathampers Empathic Listening

• Giving Advice• “ Go out and get a new job ”• “ Drop the class ”

Take Advice Don’t Take Advice

Works Doesn’t Work

Come backfor

more advice

It’s your fault

You Become Upset

• Identify the Person’s Emotions• Most difficult part• listen w/ 3rd ear• Boy! I could just kill Joe!

• Listen to the Story.• no need to respond• person just wants someone to listen to• paraphrase when prompted

• Let the person work out the problem• listening mostly solves the problem• If not, ask questions… “What are your options?”

Ineffective Listening?

• Identify the main idea• Identify supporting material• Predict what will come next• Relate to your own experience.• Look for similarities / differences from

what you already know