the diddle report

7/25/2019 The Diddle Report

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THE DIDDLE REPORT

REPORT OF

THE OMBUDSMANS COMMISSION ON THE

UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES AT


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INTRODUCTION

OMBUDSMAN BIFFORD F. DIDDLE, by the power vested in him as

sovereign citizen and watchdog of truth, established this

Commission to investigate the events leading up to 16 October

2015, when media outlets first reported on the scandal that

would come to be known as HatGate. THE OMBUDSMAN (and sole

member of the Commission) endeavored to evaluate all the

facts and circumstances surrounding HatGate and to report

its findings and conclusions conclusively.

The subject of the Commissions inquiry was a chain of events

that saddened and shocked the employees of the WASHINGTON

FREE BEACON and citizens of the free world and DYLAN BYERS.

The potentially treasonous actions of FREE BEACON digital

managing editor ANDREW STILES, resulting in a significant

monetary donation to the DONALD J. TRUMP presidential

campaign, allegedly tied to the online purchase of Make

America Great Again headwear, necessitated this

investigation.

Among members of the FREE BEACON staff and the broader

community of Internet users, these events evoked universal

demands for an explanation, and stimulated a seemingly

endless array of conspiracy theories and baseless rumors.

The goal of this Commission was as follows: Find the truth.

Its conclusions are contained herein.

Yours in freedoms flame,

Biff F Diddle

[Dictated but not read.]

THE OMBUDSMAN


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FINDINGS

The findings of the Biff Diddle Commission are as follows:

1) WASHINGTON FREE BEACON digital managing editor ANDREW

STILES did knowingly and deliberately purchase a bunch

of hats from the DONALD J. TRUMP campaign website:


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2) MR. STILES did knowingly and deliberately list his

occupation as 1 TRUMP FAN for submission to the

(unconstitutional) govt authority in Washington, D.C.:

3) On 12 November 16, your OMBUDSMAN did apprehend and

detain MR. STILES for the purpose of conducting a

preliminary interrogation.

4) Despite his best efforts, your OMBUDSMAN was unable to

obtain an adequate explanation for the reported

discrepancy of $30.20. Foul play is suspected.

5)


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was easily one of the most beautiful women I have ever

loved, which is really an extraordinary statement when

you take into account my extensive track record. We

used to spend long, rainy Saturdays on her couch in

London smoking cigarettes out the window and talking

about Satre. Ive never been fan of the French, but we

quickly bonded over our hawkish attitudes towards life

and the Viet Cong. Our lovemaking was nothing short of


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ADAM KREDO

6) MR. STILES did on no fewer than 39 occasions retweet

the @realDonaldTrump account. Using the (admittedly

unorthodox) tactics outlined in Appendix C, your

OMBUDSMAN was able to determine


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just saying it would be more accurate

to say that I find TOM BRADY attractive than it would

be to say that Im attracted to him. I think its

simply a case of game respecting game, as they say.

Were both severely attractive men. Weve both achieved

enormous success in our fields, and arent afraid to

push boundaries with respect to our fashion choices.

As I was recently explaining to KEN WEBER, a dear

friend of mine who, as it turns out, did not pass away

in 2013, there is a fine line between


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That being said, it wasnt my first time. There used to

be an off-the-books gentlemans club on the outskirts

of Beirut in the mid-1980s. I cant remember what it was

called, but I would typically pop over on the weekends

and curl up in a booth with a dog-earned novel and a

stash of Raisinets Id snuck through customs. The food


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there was mediocre at best, but the liquor was strong.

On more than one occasion, I found myself floating face-

up in the Mediterranean, stripped of all my clothes,

pondering the ancient glow of galaxies long dead. Id

lose track of the simple details of my own life: Name,

birthplace, 40-yard dash time, how many women Id

married, etc. It doesnt take a man long to figure out

that you can wash the blood off your hands, but it never

really comes off.

7) DYLAN BYERS lives in California and has a beard on his

face. Where to begin? I will concede a youthful

dalliance with beards, and my extraordinary exploits in

the Golden State during the early 1970s are, for the

most part, a matter of public record. However,

I guess this is what passes for reporting these days.

You can practically taste the beard crumbs dribbling on

the keyboard. An old friend once told me to never trust

a man with more than one y in his name. His name was


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Lucius Gladfoot, and he was never wrong. He died

tragically in 1985 commanding a Bedouin calvary brigade

near

and I quote:

New Orleans must exist alone in my memory,

for it is far too much to write of here.

Had I stayed, as I might have, through

February and the Mardi Gras season, it

would be worth the novel. Those of you who

experienced it with me will know, or know

in part, what I mean. It was true living,

life lived to the limit of human flesh and

blood, and I will hold it with me forever,

until I return.

BYERS wrote that. He also broke the STILES story. We

might disagree on the definition of true living,

but I wont argue with the facts. When I published my

acclaimed memoir I LE ME THISback in the late

1990s, a lot of people thought it was a novel because

it was so rich and compelling and sexy. I pulled the

plug on the screenplay version because some skinny-

legged suit in a studio out in California insisted on

a sympathetic protagonist, but Im getting off

track. Over the course of my investigation, I was

able to

fever dream,

clinging to shadows, outgrowing myself and this planet.

Slept-through summers. Winters on the pier. Arms deals

run awry. The America I knew no longer existed. It was

polygons and warning signs. Sweaty hordes of shit-

eating lawyers. Everyones genitals gone digital.


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CONCLUSION

In the expert opinion of your humble OMBUDSMAN, there is

sufficient evidence to conclude that MR. STILES

treason. terminated

immediately and delivered to the custody of BIFF DIDDLE.

MR. KREDO shall

You broke the bonds

And you loosed the chains

Carried the cross of my shame

Oh my shame, you know I believe it.

Bono

Therefore,

supporting a political candidate,

regardless of the strength of ones passion for Making

America Great Again. This illicit political activity has

been source of immense personal shame for your OMBUDSMAN,

who has always sought to conduct himself according to the

ancient code of

the supple women

I have cradled on the shores of life, whereas

Hiroshima of the intellectual mind, serving no master but


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the truth, commanding no armies but the facts, letting go

of daydreams sculpted out of great nothings, understanding

what it means to be a man.

D as spelled out in the

CONSTITUTION. I have towered in the valley. I have cowered

on the highest peaks. I have known love, and said goodbye.

I have committed terrible acts. For example:

Sadasdasda

The investigation continues.

Cordially,

Biff F. Diddle

2 February 2016

[Redactedsddfsfdsdf], Planet Earth


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ADDENDUM

MR. STILES submitted the following statement for the record

in response to the contents of this report:

Ive only been given 140 characters to respond, so Ill just say

that I would never question Ombudsman Diddles integrity. I am

grateful for

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

BIFF DIDDLE is the OMBUDSMAN of the WASHINGTON FREE BEACON.

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