contrarionTHE

INSIDETED DANSON TO PLAY PRESIDENT FRANCO VACCARINO P. 06

NEW NRG PLUS PLUS PASSP. 08

COMPLETE PUZZLES WIN PRIZESP. 10-11

THE ONTARION’S SATIRICAL SPECIAL ISSUE. GET WOKE. YEET.

T H E O N T A R I O N

02

@theontarion04 | PSYCHIC VET 05 | FREE SMOKE CAMPUS

FAKE NEWSDear Members of the U of G Community,

I am pleased to inform you of the most recent com-mitments made by the University of Guelph to further our mission of academic excellence and accessibility.

It has become apparent, particularly upon reflection of the many years that students have called for action on tuition fees, that we have failed to take advantage of a key opportunity. Today, we choose to take a first and necessary step, towards a true commitment to quality, accessible, public education. I am pleased to announce that tuition fees will be frozen at the cur-rent rate for the 2018-2019 academic year and the foreseeable future.

We are absolutely committed to ensuring that all students and workers are able to thrive in this aca-demic institution; we will continue to explore options on how to best further decrease barriers in postsec-ondary education as we move forward.

To start, the U of G will lower senior administra-tive staff salaries by 25 per cent and use that money to ensure all workers on campus are paid at least $15 per hour. Furthermore, full-time, union work with ben-efits will be prioritized on campus from now on. For

example, more faculty will be hired to teach classes instead of relying on sessional lecturers. More union-ized cleaning staff will be hired immediately, rather than part-time contracted work. In all cases, vacancies in positions shall be filled as quickly as possible to avoid overworking current employees.

Related to students specifically, the extra fee for online courses is now waived because, come on, no lectures and higher costs? How did that ever make sense? Lastly, the cost of textbooks will now be cov-ered by existing tuition fees. Truthfully, it never made sense to charge students for a course and not provide them with all the necessary learning resources.

Thank you to the entire U of G community for all you do, as we look to the future with a strong sense of common purpose. To the students, best of luck on your final exams!

Yours insincerely,Fake-o Vaccarino

GUTHRIE EXTREMELY UPSET COUNCILLORS SWORE SUPPORT, BUT THEN VOTED ON THEIR OWN VOLITION

TAT TEO TITET TATO

GUELPH MAYOR CAM Guth-rie’s feelings were really hurt after councillors who promised to vote with his agenda at city hall turned around and betrayed him “really, really bad” in the 2014 municipal election. Guthrie told The Contrar-ion that he was “nearly crying one thousand tears” because councillors voted against certain development and transit policies that Guthrie “really, really wanted.”

In an interview with The Con-trarion, Guthrie explained that he decided to take matters into his own hands and campaign door to door with his old 13-piece synth-pop band from high school, Fitness Club Fiasco (FCF), for the 2018 election. The group mem-bers still practice in the basement of Lakeside Church, but Guth-rie says they have turned their priorities from “making it and

having all the money and power” to “making it into city hall and having all the power.”

Aggie Mlynarz, Guthrie’s opposi-tion in the last municipal election, tells The Contrarion that the move is “undemocratic and a gross con-solidation of power.” She added, “I heard his band too — they’re ter-rible. It’s not even synth-pop, it’s just a bunch of middle-aged white dudes thinking they can play what-ever they want, when they want. It just sounds like noise.”

Guthrie emphasized that even though he and his bandmates still practice together, campaign together, and have BBQ’s with each other’s families they can still “vote however they like.”

Rodrigo Goller, who plays second chair electric drums and supplies back-up vocals for FCF, won a seat in Ward Two. He

Guelph mayor campaigns door to door with his band mates

Five members of Fitness Club Fiasco performing, the other eight members were on a stage directly behind the

audience for a sandwich effect. | Photo obtained via Guelph Mercury

OBTAINED VIA TORONTO.CA

spoke to The Contrarion about the joint campaign effort.

“Guthrie is one of my best friends,” Goller said. “I hated to see him so upset after people said they would vote with him and then didn’t. I ran with Guthrie

knowing we can take our band’s chemistry to Guelph city hall.”

Goller also insisted The Con-trarion mention how good of a drummer Guthrie really is. “I want to be him,” Goller said.

After the interviews, Guthrie

and Goller returned to their band practice where all 13 bandmates continuously jumped in a circle, fist-pumping and chanting, “Guth-rie! Guthrie! Guthrie!”

03THEONTARION.COM ISSUE 185.10 | FAKE NEWS

R ACHE L WE ITZ

ON NOV. 19, the Department of Molecular and Cellular Biology (MCB), in cooperation with Student Experience and the Central Student Association, announced that they will begin a new project. Real gry-phons are expected to be bred and fully trained by September of 2024, just in time for homecoming.

Expect to see a dazzling halftime show at homecoming in 2024, with the newly trained gryphons making their first ever appearance in sup-port of Guelph Gryphons Football.

This serves some unfortunate news for our cheerleaders, who will become obsolete once these gryphons are ready to fly. Todd Galloway, the head coach of our varsity football team, expressed his excitement regarding the univer-sity’s latest innovation.

“Just real happy our guys won’t be distracted by the cheerlead-ers,” he said, “those flips are too much for their brains to handle…

especially with the concussions.”Dr. Melissa Perreault, assistant

professor in the MCB department, is the chair of the Gryphons Research Board and the brain behind the school’s latest project. Her research specializes in animal behaviour within MCB, and she made it very clear that her biggest concern was the wellbeing of the incoming gryphons.

Perreault clarified some of the important genetic specifications of these animals. “Unlike griffins, which are mythical creatures that are half eagle, half lion, gryphons are a cross-breed of dollar store fairy wings, humans, and squirrels.”

S t udent Exp er ienc e ha s expressed to the Gryphons Research Board that the gry-phons should be black, red, and gold — the university’s official colours. They see this not only as an opportunity to break ground in science, but to increase school spirit as well. A statement sent to

The Contrarion by Student Experi-ence mentioned that the gryphons are a “spectacular opportunity to improve student satisfaction” and hinted at the possibility of seeing

Service Gryphs on campus.For more information, you can

follow the Gryphons Research Board on twitter: @GRBuoguelph.

Theftlé launches new product, Canned AirFRESH AIR IS THE FASTEST GROWING MARKET ON THE INCREASINGLY POLLUTED EARTH

K ARE N K . TR AN

IN LIGHT OF the amount of pollution in today’s atmosphere, Theftlé recently announced the launch of their Canned Air prod-uct, designed to give consumers a breath of fresh air.

“Our bottled water has always been our most valuable product in the foodstuff commodity trade. We never thought we could bottle anything else more fundamental to human life — that is, until our product developers figured out how to contain fresh air in a can,” Theftlé CEO, Steel Ing Freshwa-ter, told The Contrarion. “I believe we are providing an important ser-vice to Canadians, especially those who are living in places without access to clean air.”

The Theftlé CEO has been circulating Canned Air in his mansion ever since the product prototypes were first created. “Regular air is just so unsavoury,” he said. “Sometimes when I have to walk outside — like when I have to leave my office and go through the parking lot to get to my convertible — I’ll get a whiff of tainted air. The air can smell slightly sweet and floral, especially

during the spring.” He also takes a nightly bath with his company’s own bottled water.

The Contrarion also had the chance to speak with a few lucky loyal customers who got the chance to try Canned Air ahead of the official release date.

“I just feel so much healthier when I breathe Canned Air, as opposed to regular air,” said anti-vaxxer advocate, Polly O. Outbreak. “Regular air sometimes has farts mixed into it, which is so gross.”

Another excited customer, Paul Lucian, told The Contrarion, “I’ll definitely be stocking hundreds of cans in my basement as an emer-gency supply for when we run out of breathable air. It’ll be worth bil-lions then.”

Theftlé’s Canned Air will be available for purchase in stores and online starting Nov. 31.

EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

U of G biologists to breed real gryphons by 2024FLY, GRYPHONS, FLY!

Disclaimer: Artist’s rendering. not real example of what gryphons will look like.

We never thought we could bottle anything else

more fundamental to human life.

Follow us at @theontarion

For more updates,

Like what you read?

Thef

04 THE ONTARION

The GuelphMercury Tribune

Your local, grassrootsGuelph newspaper.

Brought to you by The Guelph Mercury Tribune: a division of Metroland Media Group Limited, a Torstar Corporation

subsidiary (TSX: TS.B $0.86 +0.04 +4.44%)

Fake ad. We love our friends at The Tribune!

FAKE NEWS | NOVEMBER 22, 2018

DIARY OF A VET STUDE NT

Vet develops psychic powers, contemplates long-distance practiceNEWFOUND ABILITIES PROVING FRUITFUL FOR LUCKY GRAD

CARLE IG H CATHCART

THE ONTARIO VETERINARY College (OVC) is well known for a faculty rich in academic talent, but a recent graduate is making unprec-edented strides in the field thanks to her newfound psychic abilities.

“I’m not really sure how it hap-pened, to be honest,” says 2016 OVC grad Cat Barker. “I was on call one night during my intern-ship and received a call from a panicked owner whose dog was not doing well. She was unwill-ing to come into the clinic and asked for a diagnosis over the phone. Next thing I know, I had a premonition or something, and suddenly I had figured out exactly what was wrong.”

Following her surprising but welcome discovery of a sixth sense, Barker began noticing other con-venient superpowers that were of

great use in a clinical setting.“After the dog incident, I real-

ized more weird things happening. At first they kind of freaked me out, but then I decided to use them to my advantage,” said Barker.

For example, telepathy with ani-mals soon emerged, allowing her to ask patients where it hurt, what they ate, and who they voted for.

“Shaggy the greyhound had a sore neck, but mostly requested that I tell his owner the new salmon food he was on was disgusting.”

Barker’s discoveries have been a significant windfall for her busi-ness partner, who says their client base have never been more satis-fied or plentiful.

“Barker has always been a valu-able member of our team, but with these recent developments, she’s become an absolute necessity to

the practice,” says Cardinal Bou-levard Clinic (CBC) co-owner Dr. Luke O’Cyte. “We hope she sticks around for a long time!”

When asked what other abili-ties have emerged, Barker shares a surprising repertoire of fresh talents including lie detection, permanent awakeness, and X-ray vision. The latter in particular has been a boon to business, attest Barker and O’Cyte. Clients are understandably concerned for their pets’ wellbeing, but are resentful of spending money to determine what’s going on.

“Just last week we had a lethar-gic cat who had eaten an owner’s metal earring. The owner refused radiographs and I never would have known what the issue was if not for my special vision,” recalled Barker.

Ultimately, these revelations will have little effect on the course of Barker’s career — she has no intentions to leave CBC any time soon. In fact, she is considering a debut in the world of long-distance veterinary medicine — once she’s

financially stable, of course.“If only I could make my

decade’s worth of debt disappear,” said Barker. “Now THAT would be truly amazing.”

EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

PET OF THE WEEK

Human: Justin MajorPet’s Age: Seven yearsFun Fact: Loser was rescued from someone who kept him in a Tupper-ware container under a bed. The “L” on his forehead is a natural marking.

Do you think your pet deserves to be the next pet of the week? Send your photos to ktran@theontar-ion.com by 9 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 26, along with your full name, pet’s name, age, species, and a fun fact about them.

LOSER THE CALIFORNIA KING SNAKE

Following her surprising but welcome discovery of a sixth sense, Barker began noticing other convenient superpowers…

05THEONTARION.COM

The Ontarion admits to role in liberal, left wing conspiracyTHEY’RE ONTO US PATRICK SUTHE RL AND

AMID MOUNTING pressure to acknowledge its role in a vast liberal conspiracy, received via anonymous hate mail, The Ontarion has issued a press release confirm-ing all accusations.

“It’s time we told the truth,” said Amanda Dwyer, Ontarion employee. “Everyone who works here knows that The Ontarion is just the tip of the spear of the Globalist agenda to control all thought on the planet.” The press release details years of collusion between The Ontarion and various left-wing Globalist-elite groups, including The Illuminati, Antifa, and U2. Others who work on the second floor of the University Centre had long noted irregularities with The Ontarion and its frequent guests. One employee who asked to remain anonymous spoke with The Contrarion about these liaisons. “It was constant. A steady stream of cash changing hands, secretive

planning, and evil laughter. One week I even saw Alec Baldwin and Hillary Clinton walk right into the lush Ontarion offices — together, plot-ting some nefarious deeds no doubt.”

Although some have questioned the public move to come clean, Ontarion volunteer Dave Chandra welcomes it.

“People have no idea the pressure we have been under. Belonging to a massive global con-spiracy to brainwash everyone into becoming sheeple who mindlessly accept a new world order based on cultural Marxism is really difficult to balance with being a full-time university student,” Chandra said. Among the most stunning rev-elations was that The Ontarion is a member of the Mainstream Media. “It’s true, we aren’t a non-profit, student-led newspaper. We are right up there with the Huffington Post, New York Times, and Washington Post,” The Ontarion reporter Diego

Weston told The Contrarion. “In fact, see those water stains

on our ceiling?” Weston said, motioning towards the ceiling tiles with a smirk. “It’s just camouflage.

They’re not even real stains! We just have to play the part of the non-profit, volunteer-driven com-munity newspaper.”

ISSUE 185.10 | FAKE NEWS

2018

November

The Ontarion Student NewspaperA HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY

103 Ivory Tower Lane

California, USAThe Liberal Elite

???

Students confuse “smoke free” with “free smokes”SMOKERS SEARCH CAMPUS “FOR SOME BELLIES, OR EVEN SOME PALL MALLS”

CAT TEO MIME LL ARO

FOR THE FIRST time this semester, Mikey Turner entered a lecture hall.

“I was told that there would be free smokes all over campus. I’m looking for Bellies, but yeah, I’d smoke free Pall Malls if I had to,” Turner told The Contrarion.

Turner has not attended a single class this year, except for hand-ing in an assignment and leaving immediately after. However, he has attended and searched through dozens of lecture halls after hear-ing about free smokes on campus.

“I know it’s not till 2019,” Turner said, “but I’m checking if the uni-versity worker guys are hiding them early. It’s like Easter but with darts instead of chocolate, bahd.”

Turner said he found a half pack of Next Blues on the library picnic table, but it’s unclear if they are

“free smokes,” or if somebody just forgot them there.

Rosemary Benson-Hedges, a second year general arts student, told The Contrarion that a lot of stu-dents are running low on money at this point in the semester.

“We’re all broke AF right now. I need some free cigarettes, those things are so expensive now,” said Benson-Hedges. “Free smokes is a joke. I pay all of this tuition and when they tell me there is an ini-tiative to help with my purchases and there is like no organization for it. All I see is signs for free smokes, but no actual smokes. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” The University of Guelph will become a “smoke free” campus in Jan. 2019.

EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Confused students have been searching under cannons and on top of library rooftops for smokes. | Photos by

Alora Griffiths

All I see is signs for free smokes, but no actual smokes. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

T H E O N T A R I O N

06

@theontarion

FARTS & CULTUREEminem pledges to never write a diss track again… sort ofRAPPER OPENS UP ABOUT LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE THAT MADE HIM SQUASH BEEF WITH OTHERS

JANAN SHOJA DOOST

A FEW MONTHS have gone by since Eminem released his sur-prise album, Kamikaze, in which he dissed many of his fellow rappers. Although there would normally be back and forth responses between Eminem and the dissed ones, all of the ruckus suddenly came to an end when he posted a selfie of himself and the rappers he dissed at his Detroit mansion, gathered

over Thanksgiving dinner table with massive plates of spaghetti being served. So what happened? The Contarion sat down with the real Slim Shady to hear every-thing he had to say.

Janan Shoja Doost: How have things been for you over the past few months with all the publicity that you received on your diss tracks?

Eminem: It was nice — the amount of news coverage I got was unprecedented. Although most of the news focused on bad reviews of the album and how immature it was of me to diss assholes like MGK [Machine Gun Kelly], I never really cared about what other people had to say. But things changed, you know. I mean, every-thing changed… [pauses, looks like he is lost for words].

JSD: How do you mean? How exactly did things change?

E: It was all the same a few months ago, until that one night. On that night, I remember I fin-ished a studio session with my crew — we were working on our last diss track about MGK, and this was right after he’d released his new EP, Binge. I was deter-mined that this was going to be the actual killshot, and that he wouldn’t ever dare to mess around with my name again. After we fin-ished up at the studio, I was really tired so I just decided to take a power nap on the couch. That night, I had a dream that changed my life forever… [He sighs and shuffles in his chair.]

JSD: Man, that’s crazy! What did you dream about that night?

E: It was so surreal. In the dream, I remember I was in an empty space, filled with nothing-ness. Then, out of the blue, I see Tupac show up — right up in my face. I will never forget how disap-pointed he was when he looked me dead in the eyes. He said to me in that dream: “Grow up. You’re ruin-ing the hip hop I sacrificed my life

for.” And then he just disappeared into thin air. I was in so much awe when I woke up that the first thing I did was call up Dr. Dre. I told him everything I had seen in my dream with Tupac, and before I even finished, Dre told me to say no more and to meet him at the address that he texted me.

JSD: Interesting — why did Dr. Dre want you to meet him there?

E: Because the place that we met up in was Tupac’s secret shrine. I can’t tell you much about it, because it’s supposed to be secret. But Dre and I were meditating there for a few hours, and it was at that moment that I received a clear vision about what I was supposed to do next. The revelation was real — my homie Tupac had delivered me from my inner demons.

JSD: Is this why you stopped all the dissing and squashed your beef with everybody?

E: Straight up! After we came back from Pac’s shrine, I went home and called up everyone that I ever dissed. I invited them over to my crib for a get together — I’m talking MGK; Tyler, the Creator; even my ex-wife. They came, we drank Hennessy, beat up piñatas, and then I got us all on a private jet to Detroit so that we could go to my old neighbourhood and have some of my mom’s spaghetti. We’re cool now.

JSD: I am glad to hear that. What advice would you like to give to prospective rappers, so that they learn from your mistakes?

E: Stay in your lane, or I will diss you.

MATATEO LIMECCARO

U OF G PRESIDENT Franco Vac-carino’s biopic, titled The Vac, was announced this week and will begin filming next month. The movie is set to be released in fall 2020.

The Vac will star Ted Danson as Vaccarino and Robert Redford as U of G VP of finance, Dan O’Leary.

Tom Hooper, director of The King’s Speech and The Danish Girl, will direct the film.

“I find Vaccarino so interest-ing as a subject. His personability, his overt kindness, his warming presence,” Hooper said in an inter-view with The Contrarion. “Yet all of that is conflicting with gradual

tuition hikes, reluctance on fossil fuel divestment, reliance on sessional hir-ings, and consistent cuts to physical resources and long time hospitality workers. It’s the perfect veneer, the perfect drama. It’ll be interesting to explore the cognitive dissonance.”

Rumours are floating about what topics might be addressed in the biopic. Memes have been pervad-ing the Facebook group Overheard at Guelph, assuming Vaccarino will finally admit that some of the staff are in fact lizard people.

The Contrarion spoke to stu-dents in the University Centre who said they are bored of seeing

Vaccarino’s face all over UC televi-sions, but that they are excited to see Danson in the role.

“I wish Ted Danson was our pres-ident — I love that dude in The Good Place”, Jessica Gonzalez, third year food science major, told The Contrar-ion. “That’s such a good show! What were we talking about?”

EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

COURTESY OF HIP HOP & MORE

Ted Danson to play lead in President Vaccarino biopicTHE VAC WILL BE RELEASED IN 2020 AND WILL CO-STAR ROBERT REDFORD AS DAN O’LEARY

COURTESY OF UNIVERSITY OF GUELPHCOURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONSCOURTESY OF U OF GCOURTESY OF IMDB

07THEONTARION.COM

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ISSUE 185.10 | FARTS & CULTURE

J. K. Rowling reveals original vision for Harry Potter series WHO NEEDS MAGIC WHEN LIFE CAN BE THIS ORDINARY?

PATRICK SUTHE RL AND

J. K. ROWLING RECENTLY revealed a much more subdued and grounded version of the Harry Potter stories, revolving around realism and the plight of our everyman hero, Harry Potter, who attends a boarding school on a scholarship. Rowling, whose ini-tial treatment of the books had “light wizarding themes” that took a back seat to the action of everyday life, decided last minute to shift the focus. Though Rowling told us she is satisfied with Harry Potter as a wizard, she’ll always wonder what Harry in the brood-ing finance student’s world would have looked like.

BELOW IS THE ORIGINAL OUTLINE FOR THE HARRY POTTER SERIES:

1. Harry Potter and the Ordinary Stone

Harry is sent to a prestigious boarding school where despite a lack of interest in geology and rock collecting, finds a valueless stone that he develops a sentimen-tal attachment to.

2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce

There is an unspeakable danger lurk-ing that Harry must locate and stop before it’s too late. In this version of the second Harry Potter install-ment, it’s not snakes that run amok, but rather an unfair tax policy that is punitive of small businesses. 3. Harry Potter and the

Pensioner of Azkaban Harry Potter is visited by a long-lost retired uncle. Fun is had by all.4. Harry Potter and the

Goblet of WaterHarry is pitted against his own nature as he struggles to overcome bad habits and meet his New Year’s resolution to drink eight eight-ounce glasses of water per day. 5. Harry Potter and the

Order of the Breadsticks Harry finds safety and security in knowing that breadsticks are complementary, a small comfort in these trying times.6. Harry Potter and the

Half-Price Pants Harry and Hermione’s friendship gains new depth as they spend

two-thirds of the book shopping for pants. They are a good fit and will provide years of stylish comfort.7. Harry Potter and the

Death by MarshmallowsHarry Potter throws caution to the wind and suspends his keto diet to indulge in sweets by the campfire.

and the Order of the Breadsticks

EDITED BY TIFFANY AGLIANI

Harry finds safety and security in knowing that breadsticks are complementary, a small comfort in these trying times.

T H E O N T A R I O N

Doug Ford buys the Toronto Raptors from MLSEMAKES CHANGES GREATER THAN HIS RESENTMENT FOR CITY OF TORONTO

R . A . HOULESPINALL

ONTARIO PREMIER Doug Ford has purchased the Toronto Rap-tors from Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) for an undisclosed sum, and has secured a five-year contract with upcoming free agent Kawhi Leonard.

The full terms and conditions of the purchase have yet to be made public.Raptors President Masai Ujiri says that Ford made the offer conditional on the following points:

a) All further uses of the fan handle “We the North” be changed to “We the Etobicoke North”

b) Kawhi Leonard change his legal name to DeKawhi DeLeonard

c) Current Raptors coach Nick Nurse is to be replaced with a more rational voice, preferably Don Cherry

d) One per cent of profits from the sale of cannabis in the Sco-tiabank Arena and Jurassic Park will be donated to the Intergovern-mental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC)

e) The body responsible for overseeing mandatory team drug testing will be shifted from the NBA to the Marijuana Party.

Coincident with this recent development: Zach Randolph has requested a transfer to the Raptors.

@theontarion

SPORTS & HAHAHEALTH

U of G Athletics releases limited edition NRG PLUS PLUS passNEW FITNESS MEMBERSHIP TIER PROVIDES EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO GYM FACILITIES

K ARE N K . TR AN

AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL introduction of the Athletic Centre’s NRG PLUS membership earlier this semester, U of G is planning on releasing a higher-tiered member-ship with even more gym benefits. The NRG PLUS PLUS pass will give users preferential access to not only special classes, but exclusive access to equipment rooms as well.

To give NRG PLUS PLUS users the best experience possible, they will be able to access the fit-ness rooms in solitude, to work out free from the distractions of seeing their attractive fellow gym members working out in the vicinity or from the embarrassment of not knowing how to use the more complicated cardio machines. However, the Ath-letic Centre does not have a private fitness room for this purpose, and

will be asking regular NRG and NRG PLUS members to evacuate the facility when an NRG PLUS PLUS member arrives.

Likewise, NRG PLUS PLUS members who show up to a sched-uled fitness class will receive one-on-one training, which means anyone waiting in line for the class will be asked to leave and try again next time.

Luckily, only two NRG PLUS PLUS passes will be available, to give regular NRG and NRG PLUS members a chance to still use the gym. If both NRG PLUS PLUS members want to use the same fit-ness room at the same time, they will face each other in a duel simi-lar to a dance-off — a muscle-off, if you will — in which both members flex their muscles as intensely as

possible in an attempt to rip their shirts off, Hulk-style.

Director of Athletics Scott McRoberts told The Contrarion that the NRG PLUS PLUS PLUS pass is in the works for next year.

The two NRG PLUS PLUS passes will be auctioned off later this year, with proceeds going to support building a female Gry-phon statue, the Gryphette.

KAWHI LEONARD | COURTESY OF TORONTO RAPTORS DOUG FORD | OBTAINED VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Lowly NRG Pass holders, in the gym, doing gym things. | Photo by Trust Katsande

09THEONTARION.COM ISSUE 185.10 | SPORTS & HAHAHEALTH

I eat plants — so what?GROOT WASN’T HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS ARTICLE

MYA KIDSON

SHHH. DO YOU hear that? Do you hear the sizzling, screaming cries of the beets in the boil-ing water? I think they’re crying bloody murder. I reach down to grab one, peeling off the layer of soiled skin, my hands stained red from the blood of my victims. Does this violate plant ethics?

I think I should be upfront with you. I’m a vegan. A five letter word that describes my dietary prefer-ences, but sparks an uproar of debate over what I should and shouldn’t be eating. When I tell people that I’m vegan, there are usually two types of reactions. 1. Responses from those that really

don’t give a tiny rat’s ass about what I do with my life. “We all

need to eat, right? Why not be happy with what YOU want to eat?”

2. Responses from defensive car-nivores who feel the need to educate vegans: “From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors practically killed their prey with bare hands, and so we must all continue doing the same.” “It’s a way of life! Eating meat is in our blood!” they bellow with desperate pleas to turn everyone against veganism. When I tell people that I’m

vegan, a frown emerges across their faces. They act as if the “veg-apocalypse” is upon us. Clearly a detrimental concept for those fearful of what grows beneath the

fertile soil. “What do you eat if you can’t eat animal flesh? Why would you ever give up the hind end of a pig for a platter of chlorophyll infused cellulose? That’s utterly disgusting and also absurd!”

Yet, from most people, I get silent stares. The chipper of crick-ets fills the room... where are all the gasps? Why aren’t you up in arms about my decision to eat plants? Yes, if you were wonder-ing, I did sacrifice those plants in the garden for my salad at lunch today, it was delicious too. I swear, I’m not a plant killer! Although they didn’t really agree to be on my dinner plate, when do we ever gain consent from the food we eat? At least plants are able to grow in the fresh open air for most of their lives. They thrive on the sun and freedom that we provide them before we pull them out of the soil, sauté with some oil and a bit of spice, and devour them whole.

Canadian Ministry of Health study finds birth rates are lower in the summer monthsIMPACTS OF MOVEMBER MAY EXTEND FARTHER THAN MEN’S HEALTH

R ACHE L WE ITZ

THE FEDERAL MINISTRY of Health recently released a research report on declining birth rates in Canada. According to this decade-long study, 58 per cent fewer babies are born in July and August due to an extraneous variable. Although most university professors preach “correlation does not equal causation,” in this case it does. It appears that Movember has had a direct effect on the last decade of Canadian births.

Since Movember’s pilot in 2003, this men’s health cam-paign has caused men to simply look awkward.

“Movember’s popularity has grown exponentially in Canada, which is great for men’s mental and physiological health, but not for their reproduction,” commented Movember Foundation CEO Owen Sharp. “We’ve received numerous emails from disgruntled wives complaining about trying to get pregnant this month.”

The Honourable Ginette P.

Taylor, minister of health, says that at a reproductive health level it is groundbreaking, but as a woman, “it makes total sense.” Taylor is aware of the wonderful work the Movember Foundation does for men’s health in many spheres, but adds that in November she finds it difficult to feel attracted to her otherwise attractive husband.

The federal commission of inquiry assigned to look into the disparities in birth rates between summer and rest of the year dis-covered jaw-dropping findings. The male babies that are success-fully conceived during Movember and are born in July and August, come out of the womb musta-chioed. While these babies are expected to be champions of the Movember Foundation, the mothers of these poster-boys are concerned for their reproductive potential in the future.

“I hope his future partner will be understanding of his motivation to raise Movember funds as I was

of his father,” said Amy Smith, mother of a three-month-old mus-tachioed infant.

The 2018 Report on Birth Rate Disparities comes with the aim of avoiding November preg-nancies to eliminate babies born with facial hair in the summer. Sharp told The Contrarion that “the focus of Movember is men stand-ing in solidarity with each other to improve men’s health. It is a sombre time… but those babies are kind of badass.”

Small child, Everett, spent last Christmas fully moustachioed.

Photo by Tiffany Agliani, edited by Alora Griffiths

Casual carrot massacre. | Photo obtained via UNSPLASH

I hope his future partner will be understanding of his motivation to raise Movember funds as I was of his father.

From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors practically killed their prey with bare hands, and

so we must all continue doing the same.

3 4 6 2 57 9 12

3 5 7 61 4 9 8 2 72 1 6 3

39 5 6

3 4 9 8 2

Fill in the empty squares so that each of the digits 1 through 9 appear once in each row, column, and 3-by-3 block.

Un-jumble the phrase below and write the deciphered phrase on the lines provided!

A PROGU FO NHSYPGRO DNOYJEE AN

ITNCHEANGN NGENIEV. HETY ADPEITN DLO

HERAIJEM, KOTO NI A WOSH TA HET EOERGG

LSMEOCUMB TEAHERT, DAN SEREDSD ETH

GEGNBIG ERAB ORF HET ZFEIERNG GINHT DAEHA!

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Complete all six puzzles on this page and return them to The Ontarion office in the University Centre (Room 264) by noon on Monday, January 7, 2019. Everyone is welcome to enter, even if you’ve won a crossword before :)

Successful completion of the puzzles will enter yourname intoa draw to win one of these prizes:

• Bob’s Dogs voucher (two dogs and two pops) • $10 gift card for The Bullring• $20 gift card for Brass Taps• $25 gift card for Hospitality Services

A cryptogram is a collection of words — often quotations — where each letter has been consistently substituted with another letter.

Tips:

1. Use a pencil. 2. Letters will not stand for themselves. 3. There are two commonly used one-letter words: “I” and “a.” 4. The most common letters in the English language are: E, T, A, O, I, and N.

Hint: Three letters have been deciphered to get you started!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

“WB ACRSFB OASFWQO, OBMCBS KVC OHHSADHG HC KFWHS

GOHWFWQOZZM OPCIH HVS SJSBHG CT HVS ROM TWBRG WH

RWTTWQIZH HC QCBQCQH O GWHIOHWCB GC PWNOFFS HVOH

WH AOM BCH OQHIOZZM QCAS HC DOGG KVWZS VWG OFHWQZS

WG GHWZZ CB HVS DFSGGSG.” - QOZJWB HFWZZWB

O S H

A RIDDLE by Patrick Sutherland PRIZES PROVIDED BY:

Across

1. Little pest

5. Greek peak

9. Silhouette

14. Building block brand

15. Four Corners state

16. Chad neighbor

17. Able was ___...

18. Semester

19. Noted bankruptcy of 2001

20. Restaurant

22. Paradises

23. Live and breathe

24. Most loyal

25. Bits

29. Earth tone

32. Marshy

34. African antelope

39. Room in a casa

40. Foe

42. Suffix with buck

43. Lay eggs

45. Of the backbone

47. Conical dwelling

49. Plantain lily

50. Los ___

54. Sephia maker

56. Maritime

57. Processes for choosing a

government

63. Diciembre follower

64. ___ Arabian Nights

65. Arduous journey

66. Outfit anew

67. Womanizer

68. Area of 4840 square yards

69. Analyze a metallic

compound

70. ___’acte

71. “Shane” star

Down

1. Smooth-tongued

2. Not e’en once

3. Mogul capital until 1658

4. Digits of the foot

5. External

6. Sound investment?

7. Indian garment

8. Weary comment

9. Scoffed

10. Veda devotee

11. Concur

12. Lowly workers

13. Dadaist Max

21. Scarf

24. Low cards

25. ___ facto

26. Norwegian king

27. Anklebones

28. Quickly, briefly

30. Minotaur’s home

31. Skirt stitching

33. Affirmatives

35. Scott of “Charles in

Charge”

36. Coffee dispensers

37. Outer garment

38. Soft drink nut

41. Pinch

44. Study of diseases of the

ear

46. Excellent, slangily

48. Barely make

50. The end of ___

51. Ways to the pins

52. States

53. “West Side Story” song

55. More frigid

57. Irish homeland

58. Diving bird

59. Romance lang.

60. Shamu, for one

61. Dweeb

62. Timetable, for short

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CROSSWORDANSWE RS FROM 185.9

B R E T R A P S P L E B SR E B A E C R U E Y R I EA N O X C O O L N I L L AT A N A G E R K E N N E L S

B U N N Y N O GA M U L E T E D E N T A T ED A T E S P A A R O L A NU N U S P A R R O W O K DL I R A A I N T A P N E AT A N G I B L E S I L E N T

E S L D E L V ET R A N S O M N E E D L E DH I N D U E S T D G I V EU L N A E S A R G E R I NG L O S S A S Y E E E L S

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1 2 4 9 3 6 7 8 55 7 8 4 1 2 9 6 33 9 6 5 7 8 1 2 48 6 1 2 4 3 5 7 92 3 5 7 6 9 4 1 89 4 7 1 8 5 6 3 26 5 3 8 9 1 2 4 77 8 2 6 5 4 3 9 14 1 9 3 2 7 8 5 6

CROSSWORD

WINNER FROM

185.9

MIRANDA MAFE

CONGRATS ON GETTING THE CROSSWORD

RIGHT!

BETTER LUCK ON THE DRAW NEXT TIME :)

Gerrit Bos

Hugo Klepsch

Meaghan Theodore

Nishan Mudalige

Mara Goodyear

Alison Berezuk

CROSSWORD CLUES

The Ontarion brings you stress-busters! | A.K.A. COMPETITIVE PUZZLING!

Your full name here: Your email address here:

BOB’S DOGS

I always stabBut never destroyI’m sometimes funBut never a toyThough my eye is sharpAnd my aim is trueI’ll always need help to find my way through

What am I?

Your answer here:

MAKE YOUR EVENINGS & WEEKENDS REALLY MATTER!

Join the Jake’s Place TeamJob Profile

We’re looking for a special kind of weekend/evening warrior to be part of a dynamic support team for our 24-year-old son with autism. We’ve created a vibrant and fulfilling life for him, and we’re looking to add some smart, energetic and community-minded individuals to our team.

The Community Support Associate position is located in Guelph, is casual work on evenings and weekends that pays between $18-$25/hr depending on qualifications and experience.

You’d be part of a team that’s creating an engaging, active and fulfilling life in the local community for a charming and loving life-long learner who lives with intense symptoms of autism. This position will support our son’s daily activities including employment, household chores, recreation and fitness activities.

This position offers the opportunity to be taught, supported and supervised by some of the most qualified professionals in this field. Being on Jake’s team promises an invaluable experience for whatever else you do in your life.

Qualifications• Having or working towards a diploma or degree in health

sciences, community, social work or related fields, and/or Behaviour Science Technology diploma

• Compassion, communications, creative and critical thinking are essential

• Experience working with autism spectrum disorder an asset

• Valid driver’s license

• Vulnerable sector screening

• Crisis management training will be provided

If you want to enrich your life and the life of our son, forward a letter to tell us why this is the job for you and what you would bring to Jake’s Place. Submit to lenkahn@gmail.com by December 15, 2018.

Only applicants being considered for an interview will be contacted.

Bad Weather Ahead? Know Where to Get Info on University Closures

Sign up to receive emergency email, phone or text message alerts

When a winter storm hits, trust these sources to find out whether the University is open

If the University decides before normal working hours to close because of bad weather or an emergency, every effort

will be made to communicate that decision by 6 a.m.

www.uoguelph.ca/beprepared

PARLIAMENTARY TOURS

T H E O N T A R I O N

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OPINION

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MARISSA ALME IDA

I WANT TO SHARE my expe-rience. It is the experience of a woman who chose to have an abor-tion at the age of 18. The negative societal views on abortion make me contemplate my decision to this day. I am concerned about how people will view me as an indi-vidual after they find out I have had an abortion. The opinions of those who are unaware of the par-ticulars of my life should not be able to question my decisions, but they do. It’s hard to understand that in today’s society — where we believe in freedom, consent, and agency — that abortion continues to be a controversial topic; one that invites comments that make me feel judged and, at times, unsafe.

For what felt like a very long time after my abortion, I felt ashamed. I felt like a murderer; a monster. I never told my parents that I was pregnant because I was scared and embarrassed. To this day, they are still unaware of my pregnancy and abortion. I believe my decision to have an abortion would disappoint my parents. They are loving and supportive and my fear of disap-pointment led me to live a difficult part of my life in secrecy.

As a Catholic, I knew the Bible teaches that abortion is wrong. With time and talking to my friends, I realized I should not be ashamed of the choice I made because it was the best choice I could have made at the time. When I found out that I was preg-nant I was about to start university in the fall. I had no job and no financial stability. If I told my par-ents and they refused to support me, I would have had no source

of income, skill set, or place to live. The man who fathered the baby left me as soon as he heard the word “pregnant.” I would be a single mom at 18, raising a child without any support from anyone. I was not mentally or financially in a position to support myself and adequately care for a baby. Now when reflecting on my choice to have an abortion, I know it was right for me and my unborn child.

Even so, I still find myself feel-ing frightened when I tell people about my decision. People who are pro-life make it hard to share my story. Some people have changed their opinion of me after learn-ing of my abortion and view me negatively for it. In other situations, people will voice their opinions in a harsh tone, telling me what I did was wrong. They degrade me as an individual, and I feel small and defenceless in these situations.

I also feel uneasy when I see signs on the side of the highway that read “Abortion is MURDER.” It makes me feel like I am being threatened for doing something wrong. I am not a murderer. I did not commit an ille-gal act. In Canada, abortion is legal. You don’t need a reason to have one and the cost is covered. However, this does not mean that getting an abortion in Canada is a positive expe-rience. The abortion clinic I went to had a negative atmosphere. There was no sign outside the clinic. The doors were locked, so I had to be buzzed in. No one was allowed inside the clinic, except for the patient — not even a friend or family member for support. This was to ensure pri-vacy and safety. The waiting room was silent. No one spoke.

Before the procedure, I had to talk to a counsellor and verbally consent to the abortion before pro-viding written consent. After the procedure the nurse insisted that an abortion was something to keep to myself, that “nobody needed to know about it.” I left the clinic feel-ing guilty and ready to act like it never happened. Although this is a legal medical procedure, I felt like I had committed a felony. I never imagined that a medical clinic spe-cializing in abortions would actively try to silence me; to tell me what I have done should be a secret.

I had to see my family doctor two weeks after my surgery to make sure I was healing properly and didn’t get an infection. Those

two weeks were horrific. I was in pain as my body went through changes. My breasts were tender and leaked milked. I didn’t even know this was possible at only eight weeks pregnant. Not only did I feel emotionally unstable, but I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody and had to deal with all of those emotions alone.

When I went in for my post-abor-tion follow-up, my family doctor asked me irrelevant questions that seemed more about satisfying her curiosity than for my health. These questions included: “Do your par-ents know? Was he your boyfriend? How long did you know him for? Do you regret it?” All questions that I didn’t feel like answering. I sat there holding back tears. Then she made a statement that bothers me to this day: “You should have had the baby, and let me adopt it.” A professional who was supposed to aid me belittled my emotions and made a joke about my situation. As I left her office, she echoed what those at the clinic had said about my procedure, it was “something that you just don’t tell people,” and then she wished me luck.

Sometimes I have panic attacks and need to be rushed to the emergency room. I tell EMS and mental health nurses I was trig-gered by a memory of my abortion. They’re usually at a loss for words and all say the same thing: “That must have been hard” or “Do you regret it?” They give me pamphlets for therapists, awkwardly staring at me and send me out the door. Just the word “abortion” makes people uncomfortable, medical professionals included. They don’t know what to say and often say the worst thing they could. I feel that

it is easier for them to push me away than for them to try under-standing my situation. I feel it is wrong that so many who are in the medical field do not know how to properly assist and talk to women who have had abortions.

In today’s society, everyone has control of their bodies. However, pregnant women’s bodies remain sites of controversy, allowing people to tell women what to do. My experience has taught me that the situation and procedure are both physically and emotionally painful. But I chose to do what I wanted with my body and with my life. I would never judge anyone solely based on their decision to have an abortion. Unfortunately, I’ve come across many people who don’t see things that way.

A pregnant woman has her body and entire lifestyle altered. I view women who have abortions as figures of strength. They chose to do what they thought was best for themselves.

I believe society needs to acknowledge that abortions are legal procedures and actively work to reduce the negative connota-tions around abortions and the women who have them. Someone who has had an abortion shouldn’t have to live in secrecy and ques-tion their morals.

What a woman chooses to do with her body should be acknowl-edged for what it is: a human right. I wanted to share my own expe-rience so that other women who are going through this incredibly difficult experience know there is nothing wrong with them or their decision; the problem is the system. We can’t make things better if we allow them to silence us.

My body, my choice — their judgment? MY EXPERIENCE WITH ABORTION

T H E O N T A R I O N

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@theontarion

EDITORIAL

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CONTRIBUTORSMarissa AlmeidaCarleigh CathcartTasha FalconerElla HarveyKaren HouleMya KidsonGeorge Longley Adam Maue Spencer McGregorMehak MohindruStefania PerrelaHannah StewartSydney ReevesJanan Shoja DoostJenna Smith

The Ontarion is a non-profit organization governed by a Board of Directors. Since The Ontarion undertakes the publishing of student work, the opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of The Ontarion staff and Board of Directors. The Ontarion reserves the right to edit or refuse all material deemed sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unfit for publication as determined by the Editor-in-Chief. Material of any form appearing in this newspaper is copyrighted 2017 and cannot be reprinted without the approval of the Editor-in-Chief. The Ontarion retains the right of first publication on all material. In the event that an advertiser is not satisfied with an advertisement in the newspaper, they must notify The Ontarion within four working days of publication. The Ontarion will not be held responsible for advertising mistakes beyond the cost of advertisement. The Ontarion is printed by Hamilton Web.

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Extremism and journalism: The horseshoe vs. the spectrum IN RESPONSE TO RESPONSES RECEIVED FOLLOWING OUR “THE RISE OF THE ALT-RIGHT IN CANADA” ARTICLE

THE ONTARION

IT’S NO SECRET. We are living in a very politically charged cli-mate with more divisiveness than many of us have ever experienced in our lives. It seems almost every day now that pundits point out the degree to which dialogue and debate have broken down only to be replaced with partisan intran-sigence. Each side of the political spectrum, seemingly in their own echo chamber, is unable or unwill-ing to consider the “other side’s” point of view.

But what does listening to the “other side” entail? If being close-minded to the political views of others makes for a polarized and intellectually malnourished society, does that mean putting all views on equal footing is the answer?

We do not believe so. To treat every single view as equal not only does a disservice to society, but is downright dangerous, potentially allowing regressive and extremist ideas to proliferate.

This then begs the question, if we are not to elevate extreme views, then where do we draw the line? In fact, history has shown us time and time again that we must not treat all views as equally valid. We must take a stand and denounce ideologies and beliefs that seek to unravel our societal values of inclusion and justice.

Arthur Miller once said: “A good newspaper, I suppose, is a nation talking to itself.” This alludes to the fact that a newspa-per is not simply a collection of stories about current events, but rather a snapshot of an ongoing conversation between members of society. But what do you do when

there are those who are not inter-ested in conversation, demanding instead that society bows to their politics? And what if there are people in this category who claim to join in this great dialogue, but do so disingenuously to advance an uncompromising and homogenous view of society? Furthermore, what if vast numbers of these people freely identify with author-itarianism, totalitarianism, and xenophobia? Do we include them in our conversation as ideological equals or do we take a stand?

These may sound like rhetorical questions, but in the operation of a newspaper they surface daily and are a source of constant concern.

A tool called the political horse-shoe can help guide our thinking in trying to answer such difficult questions. Normally when we con-sider political ideology we imagine a linear spectrum, with those on the political left at one end, those on the political right on the other, and centrists in the middle. This commonly accepted model is so ingrained in our society that our language is shaped by it. Terms like ‘polarizing politics’ or ‘left-leaning’ and ‘right-leaning’ are borne out of this spectrum. This model is useful, but only to a certain point.

The political horseshoe func-t ions much l ike it s l inear counterpart, but with a key differ-ence. Where the linear spectrum remains straight, leaving all views no matter how far left or right on equal footing, the politi-cal horseshoe curves in on itself. This curve allows us to plot left versus right thinking alongside levels of extremism, the point one

becomes so entrenched in their views that their loyalty to their ideology surpasses their loyalty to the rule of law and commit-ment to the egalitarian values of a liberal democracy. Though not a perfect model, the political horseshoe helps us to see that at a certain point the far-left and far-right become the extreme left or extreme right and begin to share more in common with each other than they do with their moderate counterparts.

Extremism can be readily found on the far-left and far-right, and though those on the two ends may have different goals, beliefs, and motivations, they share one thing in common which defines them as a single group: their methods. The extreme left and extreme right both use or support the use of vio-lence, intimidation, and deceptive rhetoric to attempt to subvert the democratic process.

Make no mistake: those on the extreme left that would don ski masks and try to take down capi-talism one Starbuck’s window at a time, have far more in common

with the Swastika-adorned masses of the alt-right than they do with members of the political left. The same goes for the alt-right, who bear so little in common with the political right that they can not be said to be on the “same side.”

It is the conversation taking place at the bottom of the horse-shoe that we wish to engage. The views from the right and left, even the radical ones, will get space on our pages so long as they are part of a conversation that acknowl-edges and makes space for people’s beliefs and identities, to the extent that they do not impinge on the rights of others.

Whether it’s erasing people’s identities by advocating against acceptance of gender fluidity or knocking Make America Great Again hats off of someone’s head, The Ontarion will report on these occurrences, but will not elevate the ideology behind them to a level of legitimacy and will continue to speak against extremism, whether it originates from the left or the right.

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER

185.9 | Nov. 15, 2018

INSIDEU OF G PROF FACES ASSAULT CHARGES P. 03

EDITORIAL: VOTER SUPPRESSIONP. 05

STORY ON P. 08

TRANS REMEMBRANCE DAYP. 10

the riseof thealt-right

Left

Centre

ExtremeLeft

ExtremeRight

ModerateRight

ModerateLeft

Right

We must keep an open mind, but not so open that our brains fall out.

T H E O N T A R I O N

15

@theontarion

SPORTS & HEALTH

WOMEN’S BASKETBALL 4-4 (THIS WEEK: 1-1)

*Gryphons 75, Nipissing Lakers 65*Gryphons 59, Laurentian Voyageurs 67Women’s Basketball currently stands at number 4 in the OUA Western Conference.

MEN’S BASKETBALL 3-5 (THIS WEEK: 2-0)

*Gryphons 81, Nipissing Lakers 80*Gryphons 83, Laurentian Voyageurs 76Men’s Basketball currently stands at number 5 in the OUA Western Conference.

MEN’S HOCKEY 4-9 (THIS WEEK: 1-1)

*Gryphons 0, Lakehead Thunderwolves 3Gryphons 3, U of T Varsity Blues 2Men’s Hockey currently stands at number 8 in the OUA West-ern Conference.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL 4-2 (THIS WEEK: 2-0)

Gryphons 3, Lakehead Thunderwolves 1Gryphons 3, Lakehead Thunderwolves 0 Women’s Volleyball currently stands at number 3 in the OUA Western Conference.

*home game Record: Wins-Losses

Treating the winter bluesTHE POSITIVE EFFECTS OF LIGHT THERAPY ON SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER

ME HAK MOHINDRU

WITH THE COLD weather upon us and the sunlight wasting away with each day, it’s not hard to believe that winter is right around the corner. The lack of daylight at this time of year can impact many students’ moods, causing them to struggle with what is known as the winter blues, or more accurately as seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

Many of the symptoms of SAD are very similar, if not identical, to depression. Based on a 2006 article published in Biological Psychiatry, SAD can primarily sup-press melatonin and the regulation of circadian rhythms. The elicited changes in the duration of elevated

melatonin production relative to the photoperiod and the increase in these secretions during the winter nights are associated to an underlying physiological seasonal change with the SAD pathology. Essentially, we feel tired more easily and less motivated due to the lack of light outdoors.

Light therapy is one of the most recommended treatments for SAD and it is suggested that using bright lights with shorter wavelengths, like LED lights, offer the best results in terms of treatment. Verilux is one brand of LED light appliances which is dedicated to improving the symptoms of SAD. Their products

are known for their effectiveness in light therapy, stimulating serotonin production and regulating melato-nin to have your body “running like clockwork.” 10,000 lux is what the company recommends as the best light intensity to reset your circadian rhythm, combatting the winter blues.

These lights are known to posi-tively impact your hormones and sleeping patterns and are a very good alternative to the lack of day-light outside. A 2010 study published in Psychiatry Research, shows that the antidepressant effects of bright white LED light are far superior to other antidepressant treatments for SAD.

The cold weather is enough to make you feel less motivated to do your homework and go to the gym, but small changes such as a light therapy lamp can make a difference. It is also important to take care of yourself and be pre-pared for shorter days and colder weather. This includes starting a morning routine where you wake up a bit earlier than usual, eating right, and staying active. This doesn’t always mean an hour at the gym, but rather trying to incor-porate being active in your daily routines. It’s the small changes that have a bigger difference in your lifestyle, ultimately helping you to alleviate SAD symptoms.

TALK NE RDY TO ME

Movember promotes men’s health issues EXTRA FACIAL HAIR AIMS TO IMPROVE MEN’S QUALITY OF LIFE

STORY & PHOTO BY TA SHA FALCONE R

THIS MONTH YOU are likely to see more facial hair than normal; Movember is upon us. Movember, the combination of moustache and November, was started in Austra-lia in 2003. The movement aims to “stop men dying too young,” by addressing men’s health issues, including prostate cancer, testicu-lar cancer, mental health, and suicide prevention.

Movember works to achieve its goal by bringing awareness to the aforementioned issues and raising

money. To that end, this week’s column will discuss the male sexual health issues of prostate and testicular cancer.

Both prostate and testicular cancer are common in Canadian males. Prostate cancer is the most common, with one in seven males diagnosed in their lifetime. Whereas, testicular cancer tends to hit earlier than most other cancers, and is therefore the most common cancer among young males in Canada.

According to the Canadian Cancer Society, prostate cancer accounts for 21 per cent of all new cancer cases in males. On average, 58 Canadian males are diagnosed with prostate cancer and 11 die from it each day. Last year, 1,100 Canadian men were diagnosed with testicular cancer, of which 1 in 20 will die.

For both types, early detection is key. Prostate cancer is tested through blood tests and rectal exams, so frequent checkups with a doctor are important. Regu-lar health checkups are good for discovering testicular cancer, but males should also be doing self-checks for any changes in their testicles. It is important for males

to know what is normal and to dis-cuss any changes, such as lumps or tenderness, with a doctor. Accord-ing to the Movember charity, 70 per cent of males are not regularly checking their testicles.

While the visual of men’s health

comes in the form of facial hair this month, remember that cancers affecting men’s sexual health are prominent and that early detection is imperative to prolonging males’ lives. Consider getting involved in Movem-ber, either by donating or educating.

CREDIT: ALORA GRIFFITHS

People find that using a light ther-

apy lamp for 15 to 60 minutes per

day helps reduce symptoms of

season affective disorder. | Photo

obtained via Sunbox.

16 THE ONTARIONARTS & CULTURE | NOVEMBER 22, 2018

Joe Policastro Trio provides a different take on iconic movie theme songsA BRIEF LOOK AT MUSIC REIMAGINED THROUGH JAZZ

STORY & PHOTOS BY ADAM MAUE

ON NOV. 13, Chicago-based jazz group, The Joe Policastro Trio, played at Silence. The show was an A-level display of music. The group, consisting of bandleader Joe Policastro on upright bass, guitarist Dave Miller, and drum-mer Mikel Avery, played a single set of jazz standards, originals, and reimagined versions of songs from film and television.

The group’s latest album, 2017’s Screen Sounds, is a collection of reimagined music from film and television, and was tapped into over the course of the night with performances of songs from The Godfather, Blade Runner, Yojimbo, and Twin Peaks. It was the group’s

creative retelling of these songs that was most surprising, espe-cially when Policastro’s upright bass played The Godfather’s iconic “Main Title and Love Theme” alone before the rest of the band joined in and turned the song into a completely different musical genre than the original. The group put these familiar songs into unfa-miliar yet compelling territory. It was a highly creative approach brought to life by incredible musi-cianship.

In 2019, the band will release an album of original music entitled Nothing Here Belongs and hopes to play that year’s Guelph Jazz Festi-val in September. We hope so too.

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TOP TEN ALBUMS

LONELY PARADE*The Pits (Buzz)

HAOLIN MUNK*Planestasia Suite (HAVN Records)

KAIA KATER*Grenades (Smithsonian Folkways)

GREAT LAKE SWIMMERS*The Waves, The Wake (Nettwerk Music Group)

ADRIANNE LENKERAbysskiss (Saddle Creek)

GIRL ARM*Cell Death (Self-Released)

MAKAYA MCCRAVENUniversal Beings (International Anthem)

MARKER STARLING*Trust An Amateur (Tin Angel)

RICHARD REED PARRY*Quiet River of Dust Vol. 1 (Anti-)

INNES WILSON**Seaview EP (Out Of Sound)

*Canadian Artist | **Local Artist

PASSION FOR FASHION? GREAT PART TIME JOB!We are looking for retail experience, organization, customer service and a positive attitude! Stop by Mon - Fri at Wild Rose Consignment Clothing. 23A Macdonell St., Downtown Guelph.

FRED EAGLESMITH SHOWBadenoch Community Centre, 4217 Watson Rd. S, Puslinch. Dec. 13, 7pm. Advanced tickets $30 at The Beat Goes On Guelph + www.fredeaglesmith.com or call 519-583-3878.

BE FEATURED ON THE COMMUNITY CHALKBOARD!To be featured on this page, Send your listing to Patrick at onsales@uoguelph.ca

Listings should be under 30 words and include a title. Text only. $15 per spot.

COMMUNITYCHALKBOARD

The Joe Policastro Trio played their jazz renditions of popular movie theme songs at their show in Guelph. .

T H E O N T A R I O N

17

@theontarion

ARTS & CULTURE

Thank you, STAN LEE1922-2018

Reaghan Bogdonov (left) and Dan Kelley (right) star as Annie and Oliver Warbucks in RCMPI’s production of

Annie the Musical.

MORE THAN 125 kids auditioned to be a part of Royal City Music Productions Inc. (RCMPI)’s produc-tion of Annie the Musical this year, and two talented young girls were chosen to play the titular role of Annie.

“Me and my best friend used to listen to the soundtrack in her kitchen and take brooms and mops and we’d clean and dance all over her living room,” 11-year-old Reaghan Bogdonov told The Ontar-ion. “I always imagined myself as Annie.”

Annie will be Bogdonov’s debut into musical theatre. She and 11-year-old Zoё Cantelon have both been rehearsing for the musical, and will be taking turns playing the lead during the six-show run.

“I actually did a production of Annie before I came here [and played the orphan, Molly] and I was super sad because I wanted to be Annie,” said Cantelon. After some con-vincing from her sister, Cantelon

gained the confidence to audition for RCMPI, and won the part.

“I think being in this play has made me see what theatre has in store for me because one of the things I love about this is that every-one’s so supportive,” said Cantelon. “If you make mistakes, they say, ‘try harder next time, you got this!’”

The cast is well-practiced in both song and choreography, and the show is made even more impressive with the incredible set designed by Lin Chapman. Any first-time audience members might think it’s a Broadway musical playing in Toronto instead of an unbelievably talented community theatre company.

Annie the Musical is a truly heart-warming tale of an orphan trying to find her family, and for Bogdonov, there’s also a personal connection in playing the role of Annie.

“My mom passed away a few years ago, but she used to take

me here to see plays, including Annie,” Bogdonov said. “I’m really glad I decided to take this opportu-nity because it definitely changed my life more than anything and I know that my mom would be really proud of me.”

Not only are there co-Annie’s, but six of the main orphan char-acters also have doubles. Director Jane Martin explained that this was a way to include more kids in the show, as well as to have standbys in case any of the actors became too ill to perform.

“RCMPI has been around for 40 years, and it’s given the youth the chance to shine,” Martin said. “It’s great to have a show that’s focused on the children because when we’re all long gone, that’s the future. It’s that continuation to make sure that RCMPI is around for another 40 years.”Annie the Musical plays from Nov. 21 to 25 at the River Run Centre.

Annie the MusicalRCMPI PRODUCTION GIVES CHILD PERFORMERS A STAGE TO SHINE

STORY & PHOTOS BY K ARE N K . TR AN

18 THE ONTARION

New PetSmart Charities grant will help women with pets escape domestic violenceTHE GRANT AWARDED TO THE GUELPH HUMANE SOCIETY COINCIDES WITH WOMEN ABUSE PREVENTION MONTHSTE FANIA PE RRE L A

AFTER RECEIVING A $13,500 grant from PetSmart Charities of Canada, the Guelph Humane Society in collaboration with Com-munity Veterinary Outreach and Women in Crisis, is able to offer a new Pets in Transition program.

The program will provide pet care for women escaping violent situations for up to three months. Although violence might only be considered a threat to women and children, violence against family pets can be a risk factor for

domestic violence and even intimate partner homicide in extreme cases, according to the Ontario Domestic Violence Death Review Committee Risk Factor Coding Form.

Violence against pets is a signal to remove oneself from the cohabited accommodation, which puts women in a difficult situation, according to the Risk Factor Coding Form. A woman needs to thus abandon her already victimized and abused pets to protect herself, or she is

forced to find a shelter that allow animals, which can be dangerous or difficult. Taking time to do additional research can allow for an abuser to further perpetuate abuse, or if the abuser finds that the victim is attempting to leave, which could be possible through a search history, the victim’s vul-nerability can be increased.

With this program, accomoda-tion for pets is managed, allowing women to focus on their protec-tion and their loved ones, whether they are human or animal. As the needs of some pets can differ from others, this program caters to the distinct needs of these pets with foster caregivers who have special-ized training for animals who have experienced violence.

In addition to this special-ized placement, this grant allows the Guelph Humane Society to

provide high-quality pet food and preventative and emergency veteri-nary care for these pets.

Dani LaGiglia, regional rela-tionship manager of PetSmart Charities of Canada, said in a press release that “[PetSmart Charities] believe in the importance of pre-serving the human-animal bond, no matter what life challenges or circumstances pet parents may be facing. Thanks to the leadership of the Guelph Humane Society and its partners, women in the Guelph region can rest assured that they and

their pets can escape abuse together and begin to heal side by side.”

NEWS | NOVEMBER 22, 2018

City of Guelph celebrates GIS Day with launch of GeoDataHub onlineGLOBALLY CELEBRATED GIS DAY FEATURES ANNUAL EVENTS WITH MAPPING FOCUS J UDE KE E FE

RECENTLY RELEASED OPEN data of the city of Guelph and surrounding regions titled the Geo-DataHub was officially celebrated at a city hall event on GIS Day to promote these resources. One great example of the products found is the Neighbourhood “awesomeness” map, a user-created collection of awesome things about the city.

Globally, Geographic Infor-mation Systems (GIS) helped to manage that data by organizing layers of information with useful symbols and associated colours to visualize details in a support-ive way for the end user. Most maps produced are designed with a user or purpose in mind, such as a road map for navigating or a single-themed focus like statistics per capita. This means informa-tion that isn’t helpful for the user can be omitted. The local event was designed to showcase how city employees and citizens of Guelph use GIS on a daily basis to solve problems that involve spatial data. Spatial data differs from many online data resources as there is a location element included, and often it uses a map viewer online to

help visualize the extent and detail of the information. This helps the user make the choice of utilizing the data and in what way(s).

As a geographer and cartogra-pher by recent training at COGS (Centre for Geography Sciences) in Lawrencetown, N.S., I have enjoyed making use of this data already this term for The Ontarion-featured maps showing Guelph voting wards and compost bin loca-tions. The data is easily accessible in a dynamic set of formats for all kinds of users and purposes.

In most of the newspaper maps, data management began by using the KML export option, with Google Earth being my first step in manag-ing this information to compare to known local features. After viewing the data and knowing it covers the extent of Guelph that makes sense for the project at hand, I would open the dataset in whichever other geospatial software makes the most sense for the end product: Esri’s (Environmental Systems Research Institute)’s ArcGIS, or open-source QGIS with plug-ins supporting the functionality of ArcMap more and more with each new upgrade.

Maps are of course found all over the Internet, hosted by routing ser-vices and local servers; one local example using data from GeoDa-taHub is an interactive ward-based information map made available to the public in October of 2018 by Abhilash Kantamneni, a graduate student in geography at U of G.

The geography department (housed in Hutt building here at U of G) has access to the proprietary software built by Esri, a California company which has nearly 4,000 employees globally, dedicated to producing analytic and artistic components of the robust service package available to paid custom-ers. There is an online hosted free public account option for their ArcGIS Online platform, which can be a helpful way to make use of this Guelph data without

having access to the full desktop suite of options. Open-source data management platforms are also possible options which reduce the cost of managing software, but do not have the same power as Esri to support constant iterations of updated versions.

The Esri website explains the intention behind GIS Day as: “One Fun Day to Celebrate GIS with everyone, Discover and explore the benefits of GIS, Showcase the uses of GIS, Build and nurture your GIS community.”

The first GIS Day was on Nov. 19, 1999 during Geography Aware-ness Week, led by avid promotion from the National Geographic Society since GIS Week was devel-oped in 1987. Typically events are hosted by schools, alumni, commu-nity organizations, and municipal

offices where GIS is fundamental to the daily operations of maintain-ing public services. Each year the technology has grown to include more interactivity, leading modern events to be held online welcoming contributors in the style of Open-StreetMap — or even Google’s option to suggest map edits. Infor-mation is in the acronym, so at the root of all the events, there is a layered understanding of how technically fascinating the capacity is for the software now compared to its early development in the 1960s.

A map of all events (volun-tarily submitted) can be found at www.gisday.com in support of open data and communities being strengthened by maps! Examples of products by GIS Day event partici-pants around the globe are found at www.gisday.com/discover-gis.html

CREDIT: FLICKR

T H E O N T A R I O N

19

@theontarion

NEWSON the Radar

ONTARIO PCS TO DEBATE WHETHER GENDER IDENTITY EXISTS Ontario’s PC Party have passed a resolution to debate whether or not the party should recog-nize the existence of gender identity. The resolution was motioned by social conservative and parental rights advocate Tanya Granic Allen and says that gender identity is a “highly controversial, unscientific liberal ideology,” which should not be taught in Ontario schools. Minister of Education Lisa Thompson said that it was non-binding and not a govern-ment policy in the legislature on Monday, Nov. 19.

TORONTO POLICE CHARGE STUDENTS AT ST. MICHAEL Six students of the all-boys high school have been charged with assault and sexual assault on Monday, Nov. 19 amidst a scan-dal over a string of incidents documented on social media. In the 22-second video obtained and viewed by the Toronto Star, a teen is held down by a group of boys while being sexually assaulted with what looks like a broomstick. The principal of the school has been criticized for not acknowl-edging the incidents until recently.

GILLER PRIZE WINNER ESI EDUGYAN Esi Edugyan won the $100,000 Scotiabank Giller Prize for her third novel, Washington Black. Edugyan has now won two Giller Prizes, and has three published novels. Known as the biggest liter-ary award in Canada, the Giller Prize celebrated its 25th anniver-sary on Monday, Nov. 19.

OTTAWA HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS CHARGED SEXUAL ASSAULT A CBC investigation has reported that three teachers at Bell High School in Ottawa sexually assaulted dozens of students for decades. Music teachers Tim Sta-nutz and Bob Clarke as well as basketball coach Don Greenham were all charged within a week of each other in 2016, accord-ing to CBC. CBC reports that students, parents, and teachers all voiced concerns, yet reported that the administration did little to nothing.

COMPILED BY MATTEO CIMELLARO

Minister of education Lisa Thompson visits U of G campusSILENT PROTEST TOOK PLACE DURING PUBLIC MANAGEMENT STUDENT ASSOCIATION EVENT

MAT TEO CIME LL ARO

EDUCATION MINISTER Lisa Thompson, who is a U of G public management graduate, spoke to a group of Public Management stu-dents about Ontario’s education on Wednesday, Nov. 14. The event was also open to the public and was attended by students of different political backgrounds.

“It was important to hear from Lisa Thompson because we deserve to know what is going on in our government and education system,” the University of Guelph Public Management Association told The Ontarion. “We heard from the Minister of Education’s perspective and she answered questions that provided students with more infor-mation and in this era information is key to moving forward.”

Two students staged a silent protest during the talk, holding signs opposing the PC govern-ment’s cancellation of the 2015 sex ed. curriculum and a curriculum rewrite that would have boosted Indigenous content.

“Our actions were a way to stand up for proper education that teaches gender identity and better Indigenous content in Ontario schools,” Kayla Weiler, the Central Student Association’s VP External and silent protester at the event, told The Ontarion. “This is important because when one of us is under attack, we are all under attack of more cuts from the government.”

The event follows a controver-sial return to the 1998 sex ed. curriculum this past summer, and occured days before the Ontario

PC convention, where a resolu-tion was passed to debate whether or not the party should recognize gender identity.

Thompson noted in the question period on Monday, Nov. 19 that the resolution is “non-binding and not government policy,” according to Global News.

After the talk, Thompson spoke to students surrounding her gov-ernment’s controversial cuts to Ontario’s curriculum. Thompson is the MPP for Weiler in the riding of Huron-Bruce. After the event Weiler spoke to Thompson about the presence of sexualized violence in her area and in rural Ontario more generally.

“I told her that more work needs to be done because rural Ontario is lacking the education and resources for students [and] youth,” Weiler said. “We have to challenge sexual violence and work on mental health because the two can be heavily related.”

Weiler also wanted to note that according to Thompson the 2015 sex ed. curriculum is partially taught in schools.

The student group who hosted the event stressed the importance of dialogue and political debate’s role in the democratic process.

“We believe in the strength in diversity of perspective in politi-cal conversations. By bringing students of all different ideologies together to discuss public educa-tion we are strengthening our democracy,” the University of Guelph Public Management Asso-ciation told The Ontarion.

Retraction noticePlease note that the article “Canadaland investigation reveals Kielburg-er’s WE brand linked to child labour” printed in issue 185.7 has been retracted by The Ontarion.

Minister of Education Lisa Thomp-

son. | Photos by Adam Maue

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER

185.10 | Nov. 22, 2018

The Ontarion competitive puzzle

contest! See p. 10-11

P. 17

ANNIETHE MUSICAL

Prizes to be won. Yeet.