The board of the car manufac-turing giant Automozoom

has announced a cull of its work-force. Citing the financialpressures of a globalised globalautomotive marketplace, Auto-mozoom has promised that thefirst stage of the cull will bevoluntary, and that its workerswill be destroyed humanely.Thereafter, remaining staff

will be released into their Tun-bridge Wells factory and hunteddown for sport.

By Lazlo Woolf, ChiefWorld Correspondent

T he World has once againfailed to live up to expecta-

tions, registering only 2.3 out of10 in the latest official UnitedNations scores.Beset by a wide variety of

social, political and scientificproblems, the planet has con-tinued to struggle to cope withmodern life, and despite tremen-dous advances in flat-screen TVtechnology, difficulties such aswar, famine, pestilence and deathhave seen it sink to its lowestscore since March 2003.Announcing the score from a

special pod at the United Nationsheadquarters in New York, UNSecretary General Ban KeithMoon explained why the popularplanet had fared so poorly.“The World has been dogged

by poor form for some time now,admitted Moon. “In fact, formost of the last 4.5 billion yearssomething or other has been seri-ously wrong with it.”

BLOOPERS

Asked to what specifically he as-cribed The World’s disappointingmark, Moon sipped contempla-tively on his UN water bottle andreplied: “The War on Terror is afactor. Obviously, terror itselfdoesn’t help— in fact, I would sayit is a definite no-no — but thewar on it has contained too manyprocedural bloopers and ethicalhiccups for its own good. After thefirst three or four, they ceased tobe even slightly amusing.”Moon, the self-proclaimed

Stephen Hendry of internationalrelations, continued: “Around theworld, taxpayers and consumersare becoming increasingly dissat-isfied with the service they are re-ceiving from their War on Terror,which, for whatever reason, hasnot provided the instant key toglobal peace and stability thateveryone assumed that it would.”The 760-month-old SouthKore-

an diplomacy ace added that theenvironment “isn’t helping things

by being so knackered” and that“grinding, inescapable poverty isreally winding a lot of people up”.Critics of The World were stri-

dent in their condemnation ofthe beleaguered orb. “This is an-other hopeless performance fromThe World,” shouted planet ana-lyst Malvo Ingenuti, as heattempted to trapeze himself intothe UN building. “Doubly so,when you consider how muchmoney it owns. Let’s put this in aproper historical context. In 1769,The World scored 5.8, and bearin mind, they had typhoid. Letme in.” Mr Ingenuti is recoveringin a Brooklyn hospital.Noam Chomsky, the Amer-

ican activist, philosopher andgrade-4 clarinettist, commented:“The World is a pig’s breakfast ofa planet, one in which the pighas, somewhat foolishly, ordereda bacon and sausage bap, and isnow hacking away furiously at itsown rump with a blunt machete.”Meanwhile, in the new UN

Country rankings, Costa Ricahas upset the odds by being offi-cially recognised as the World’sGreatest Nation.The USA has lodged an appeal

against its new ranking of 26thbest country in the world. Secre-tary of State CondoleescoigneRice said: “This is ridiculous. Weare clearly the greatest country inthe world. Clearly.We’ve said it of-ten enough. It must have becometrue. What has Costa Rica everdone for the world? These clownsdon’t even have an army.”Britain, heralded as recently as

May as “the greatest nation onearth” by no less a source thanthen Prime Minister Tony Blair,has slipped to 38th under thestewardship of Gordon Brown.Blair, currently working under-

cover on a secret project to trickthe Middle East into peace,argued that Costa Rica hadachieved top ranking only by“keeping its nose clean by doingthings like not starting wars ofquestionable legality, not muti-lating the environment, and noteconomically violating the ThirdWorld”, and expressed fears that

the UNwas thus “rewarding neg-ative play”.However, Costa Rican presi-

dent and Nobel Peace Prize win-ner Óscar Arias was delightedwith his country’s victory.“Yeeeessss,” he yelled, punchingthe air with his fists. “They’ll bedancing in the streets of San José.Eat that, Nicaragua. Give me a C-O-S-T-A-space-R-I-C-A. Whathave you got? Costa Rica. Who’sthe greatest nation in the world?Costa Rica! Woah yeah. Huh.That’s what I’m talking about.”The UN, 62, has announced

that, in order to stifle furtherdisputes over the rankings, it willintroduce a new marking systembased on those used in somesports, in which the highest andlowest judges’ marks arediscounted. Under the newscheme, nations will lose boththeir worst atrocity and theirgreatest achievement.Moon explained to the UN

General Assembly: “So, for exam-ple, Spain will lose the systematicextermination of indigenous peo-ples in South America, but it willalso lose the siesta. Calm down,

José — would Picasso have beenso good if he hadn’t been proper-ly rested and taken time over hislunch? No, he wouldn’t.“And Britain will lose both the

British Empire, and the BritishEmpire.”Moon concluded by announc-

ing that, after the discovery thatthe German and French leadershad signed their own, instead ofeach other’s, copies of the 1871Treaty of Frankfurt, Germanyand France no longer exist. Thenations’ franchises will be auc-tioned next March.

By Victor Gooch,Podcast RumourCorrespondent

U nconfirmed reports fromsources close to The Times

newspaper have suggested thatit will launch a new weekly satiri-cal podcast, entitled The Bugle,on Monday, October 15.The podcast, available for

download from the Times On-line website and via iTunes, will

feature award-winning comedi-ans John Oliver and AndyZaltzman, and will take the formof an audio newspaper whichdiscusses global events, politics,sport, the arts, and sundry otheraspects of life in general.Oliver, based in New York

where he is starring in The DailyShowWith Jon Stewart, and Zaltz-man, from one of his secret hidea-ways somewhere in the UK, willresume their comedic partner-

ship with their signature salad ofpolitical satire and outright lies.A further rumour, as yet un-

substantiated, has suggestedthat The Bugle will be promotedvia a special one-off pull-outsection in The Times newspaperitself. A spokespersona for TheTimes commented: “This is notthe kind of thing The Timestraditionally does. But youmight find it on our new-fangledwebsite.”

BAD THINGS BLAMED

CARWORKERSFACE SLAUGHTER

MOON SLAMS EARTH

TIMES LAUNCHES SATIRICAL PODCAST

BUGLEAUDIO NEWSPAPER FOR A VISUAL WORLD (VISUAL EDITION) vMONDAY OCTOBER 15 2007 vDO NOT CONSUME BEFORE BREAKFAST v timesonline.co.uk/thebugle v No. 1

COSTARICA SCOOPSSURPRISE TOP NATIONGONG

BRITAIN ATWARWITH PORTUGAL

Ministry of Defence filesrecently made public

under the Official Secrets andLies Act have revealed thatBritain was at war with Portugalbetween 1973 and 1977. Theconflict ended in a stalemateafter the Treaty of S.C. Beira-Mar restored Portugueseborders but made the Algarve aBritish mandate.Major Sir General Rufus

Strave, commander of theBritish ground troops during theBattle of Cavaquinho, comment-ed: “It was a low-profile war, buta fierce one.“Both sides suffered heavy

casualties, but the media at thetime just couldn’t get an angleon it, so it was one of those warsthat does not get reported in thepress.”

THEWORLDSCORESPALTRY

2.3 OUTOF 10

The G74 group of the world’smost influential industrial

magnates has issued a newreport suggesting that theenvironment is to blame for theenvironmental crisis facing theenvironment.Speaking at its annual

conference in Magaluf, Majorca,Sir Ian Wynne Stoichkov, theG74’s Chairman and Entertain-ments Officer, said: “It is timefor the environment to put up orshut up. Preferably the latter. Itshould accept responsibility forits own health.“We have been mollycoddling

the environment for too long. Itmust learn to stand on its oneremaining foot.”

Turn for the worse: The World continues to be a major disappointment to its fans and inhabitants

ENVIRONMENTGUILTYOVERENVIRONMENT

ALAMY

THE BUGLEPODCAST

John Oliver and AndyZaltzman will present theircomedicosatirical views onplaces like Britain, the USAand the World, and onmatters of great, small andno political importance,neatly packaged into onemanageable podcast.Available weekly fromMonday October 15 attimesonline.co.uk/thebugle

THE

The Bugle podcast promises torewrite all known rulebooks intoone easily manageable universalbook of rules. Ephemeral WritingMagazine’s Interviewer of theYear, KEITH BILK, spoke to

sporadically-acclaimed comediansJohn Oliver and Andy Zaltzmanabout their hopes, dreams andfears for their new project.

S triding down the opulent yetminimalist Diana Immemori-

al Staircase of the double-reno-vated Mostlecombe Hotel & Ag-gressive Leisure Complex, themind cannot help but surfthrough the archipelago of timeand conclude: “Yes. This is whyA plus B equals C.”Perfection. What was once an

impudently self-assuring 17th-century Victorian manor househas been transmuted into a state-of-all-the-arts guess at what AClockwork Orange would be likeif it were an hotel.Of the original building, only

the pioneering Restoration-erafitness suite remains, where onecan still pump mahogany to thethumping beat of a harpsichord,or finesse those tired old gluteson one of the six ergonomic pew-ter exercise horses.And this was where I was to

meet and subsequently interviewJohnOliver, 30½, and Andy Zaltz-man, only just 33, about theirnew weekly satirical podcast.I waited in the bar, sipping on

my gooseberry foolshake, andwarming up for the interview byinterviewing myself. “I supposeyou could say that my career wasfuelled by a sense of destiny,” Itold myself. “Interviewing justcame naturally to me. Somepeople are good at biathlon.Some people like cats. I have agift for interviewing.”I looked into the semi-dis-

tance. “I owe so much to myfather,” I said, finally opening upto myself like a tulip under thesubtle ministrations of my ownsun-kissed questioning. “He wasmy inspiration, my role model,and my father. And he got memy first job — as chief interview-

er for a mega-circulation lifestylejournal — by threatening topublish compromising photo-graphs of the editor naked fromthe neck up at an illegal donkeyfight in Woking.”Good stuff. I was ready. Brain

ready to sluice the relevant fromthe newsworthy, I awaited the ar-rival of my two comedic conquis-tadors, a double act who proudlyrevel in the title of Britain’s MostInfantile Political Comedians.Zaltzman was the first to trans-

mogrify from potential into actu-ality. He was the apparent victimof a medium-grade dishevelling,with the carestruck demeanourof a man disgusted with the day

into which destiny had unceremo-nially pitched him. It later tran-spired he had merely travelled toMostlecombe by public transport.“Are you Keith Bilk?" he

probed. “I am he,” I rejoinderedinclusively, making the 5ft 10inSouth Londoner from Kent feelat ease with myself. “How thedevil are you?”“I hurt my leg getting a bag off

a shelf.” He sat in silence, intermit-tently limbering his knee. Eventu-ally, some 15 minutes beyondschedule, Oliver appeared in thehotel vestibula like a confusedhoneymooner with the wrongwife. He is a man who in social sit-uations exudes a certain je ne sais

rien. Chit-chat sits uneasily onthose two shoulders of his.“We’d better crank this bitch

into funktown,” I quipped. “I'veonly got a 20-minute window foryou guys.”Oliver raised his now-transat-

lantically-renowned brow.“What, mate?” he stropped. “ButI flew back from America for thisinterview. I turned down the op-portunity to go tenpin bowlingwith Barack Obama.”Zaltzman was no more im-

pressed — he had left his newjoke about a man walking into ahedge half-written. “I'll probablynever finish it now,” he mourned.Mentally, I waved my three

journalistic trophies in theirfaces. “Did we have to comehere?” Oliver exasperated aloud,his success on the hit US cult sat-ire The Daily Show With JonStewart clearly having recalibrat-ed his manners.“So,” I led, touching each man

sequentially on the kneecap.“What is going to be in your pod-cast?”“Stuff,” muttered Zaltzman.A pause. Oliver: “Read the

press release, loser.” Index fingerand thumb akimbo, he slappedhis glistening forehead with hishand.“You’re not being very forth-

coming,” I chuckled.“No.”“No.”“Sorry.”“Nada,” said I, remembering

the time I had played an entireround of golf with David Atten-borough without him noticing.The biter bit.My sinuously dextrous lines of

questioning proved fruitless, andas the hotel commissar escortedOliver and Zaltzman from thepremises, I found my mind con-cluding that although on this oc-casion A — America (Oliver’sadoptive country), plus B — Brit-ain (where Zaltzman remains resi-dent) equals C — comedic pod-cast, whether C itself equals W(worth a listen) remains to beseen. And heard.Yours, readers, ever,Keith Bilk OBE.

MR JOHN OLIVER

Also co-founder, writer andstar of multi-award-avoid-

ing Radio 4 microsmashes TheDepartment and Political Animal.Appeared as himself in BBC2’sNobel-nominated Mock TheWeak. British Correspondent ofthe Year on The Daily Show fortwo years in succession.Dogged by rumours in the

American press that he is wanton-ly imprecise in his use of thepossessive apostrophe,Oliver tear-fully admitted he had troubleremembering when and where touse it at a recent press conference.As a footballer, John is dis-

tressingly left-footed, shirks atackle, and is compromised byhis glasses. White, male, of medi-um build. Not considered athreat to public safety.

BUGLECOMMENT

THE BUGLE

T he world currently resides in a state of aggressive discourtesy to-wards George W. Bush. Enemies of the 5ft 11in US President are

quick to bleat on about his shortcomings as a president, orator andhuman being, and to pay the former Republican presidential candi-date gushing uncompliments for his several mistakes, such as Iraq,the environment, America and the rest of the world.Even his closest acolytes must concede that Bush is, without

question, the least popular US President this century — domesticallyas well as globally, and factually as well as statistically.However, it is our view that history, fickle charlatan that she is, will

be much kinder to theman who has picked up the baton of democracy,filled it with explosive, aimed it away from his face, fired it into the skyand hoped that the ensuing bang and shower of light would elicit gaspsfrom the watching world. (It did. Perhaps not the kind of gasps the self-styled President would have wanted, but gasps nonetheless.)Indeed, history herself will eventually show that history will have

judged Bush to have been nothing less than the greatest pacifist ofour time. Furthermore, the war in Iraq— his unrelentingly unappetis-ing signature dish—will be seen to have done more to engender last-ing global peace than Gandhi, Mandela, Hoddle and Bono combined.For once, the conspiracy theorists are bang on the banana. Iraq has

indeed been a Machiavellian plot, but one concocted when Machia-velli had woken up in an unusually chirpy and philanthropic mood.For by leading the world’s most advanced nation to prosecute a warof such ostentatious moral ineptitude, with tactics so catatonicallydimwitted that they can only have been specifically designed to be so,Bush will have helped to discredit the entire concept of armed con-flict for generations to come.

We should all thank the man for his self-sacrificial politicallargesse. In time, the man who currently stands accused of

destabilising the entire planet with his hare-brained schemes, will beacquitted of those charges, released from historical custody, and award-ed at least £20,000 compensation for damage done to his reputation.And as if ushering in a glorious new era of international peace,

dialogue and co-operative problem-solving wasn’t work enough forone young conflict to be getting on with, this much-maligned war,like a cartoon superhero, only with significantly more civilian casual-ties, will also save the entire planet.Because, for all its procedural glitches — such as the deaths of

hundreds of thousands of people and the provision of several enthusi-astic new heads for the Hydra that is al-Qaeda — Iraq has rammeddown the world’s throat once and for all the inedible message that,economically and politically, we simply can no longer afford to relyon oil as our major source of fuel. The environment and all of itsmany fans can breathe a sigh of relief, and send a strongly-wordedthank-you letter to the President whose lam they so vigorouslypoon.And if it takes just one tiny little war to open mankind’s one collec-

tive eye to its contractual obligation to make the electric car work,then that is a sacrifice that all those who have made, are making andwill make the sacrifice can be retrospectively delighted to have made.

FEATURE INTERVIEW—JOHNOLIVER ANDANDYZALTZMAN

Hat’s your lot: Oliver, left, and Zaltzman, not left, plagued by bad manners and leg respectively, remained tight-lipped about content of podcast

MR ANDY ZALTZMAN

Co-founder, writer and star ofmu l t i - awa rd - avo i d i ng

Radio 4 microsmashes TheDepartment and Political Animal.Intermittently-used bench

reserve for Now Show, Andyonce appeared opposite DameMartha Kearney in a 2002production of Newsnight.Born in obscurity in 1974,

Zaltzman is a fully-qualified andBISUC-registered stand-upcomedian. Nominated in MostLapsed Jewish Comedian cate-gory at recent COJO awards.Once dreamt that he was a

member of Creedence Clearwa-ter Revival. Now has a wife, afterspending 29 years and 11 monthsof his life without one. Last seendriving down the A303, shouting“What a road,” from the window.

PODCASTMYSTERYDEEPENS ASBUGLERS REFUSE TOHONK

LET THE PEOPLE NOT BOTHER TO DECIDE

G ordon Brown acted swiftly and decisively to stamp out the elect-ion fever that had been seeping through the nation, by cancel-

ling both the non-existent election and the speculation over whetherit might one day exist.Brown’s supporters have claimed that, although the British public

have proved resistant to all strains of election fever in recent decades,and the disease is in most cases non-fatal, the Prime Minister had tomake sure that the outbreak was swiftly contained, in case it spreadfrom the press corps andWestminster cronies into the wider popula-tion, thus destroying the market value of British democracy interna-tionally. However, there is a strong counter-argument that, after theLabour Party attempted to show that it is genuinely still in touchwith the British people by not bothering to vote on who its newleader should be, it should have given the notoriously vote-shypublic an official opportunity also not to bother voting.

DON’T BURN THE BUSHCome on, cut underrated pacifist some slack

COMMENT / FEATURES

HOW TO BE BUGLEDPeople of the world. Sit down. Here are yourinstructions. Use them wisely. Go to theInternet. Acclimatise. Now, downloadThe Bugle podcast, or subscribe to it viaiTunes, by visiting this address:timesonline.co.uk/thebugle

Fear not the infernal breath of satiricalpodcastery. It means you no harm

B2

LAW

T he inquest into the death ofJesus Christ opened today at

theRoyal Courts of Justice in Lon-don. The presiding coroner, LordJustice Penshurst Park, will exam-inewhetherMr Christ, the promi-nent parabulator, died as a resultof natural crucifixion (as the origi-nal inquest ruled), or from a septi-caemic infection arising from awound to his hand caused by anunwashed nail, or due to proce-dural flaws in an especially daringmagic trick, or was murdered byan Italian soldier.The remit of the inquest,

however, does not extend as faras confirming whether or notChrist died on behalf of humanityas a whole, whether or not his sta-tus as Messiah is legally verifiableand whether or not he was preg-nant at the time of his death.

W hat would you like the wea-ther to be tomorrow? Fill in

the Bugle forecast map with what-ever meteorological conditionsyou would like: brighten/darken/drench/confuse your day tomor-row, and pretend that all yourweathery dreams will come true.Alternatively, fill in your

worst-case weather scenario,then be pleasantly surprisedwhen drizzling reality strikeswith damp inevitability.If your forecast is correct, you

can enter our prize draw to win apiece of cloud from the RoyalEstate at Sandringham. If youcomplete correct forecasts for sixdays in succession, report to theMet Office and demand thatyour special gift be recognised,broadcast and remunerated.

WEATHER BET OF THE DAYDogger Bank to be Rising Slow-ly, 3-1 with MetBet.Next week: Complete your ownsunrise and sunset times.

THE MAN WHO EATSDESKS (15)

A superior action flick inwhich Vin Diesel adds to

his burgeoning reputation asmore than just a character actorin this mostly-action desk-eat-ing romp.Diesel stars as jilted husband

Hasdrubal Carthage, who takesrevenge on his cheating wifeMadge (Anne Charleston) byeating her antique desk, spark-ing a spree of office-furniture-scoffing that threatens small cler-ical businesses across Mexico.Just when it seems that the en-

tire Central American economywill be mildly harmed by Die-sel’s unquenchable desklust, alocal desk designer (Frank Lamp-ard) creates an inedible desk,which Diesel eats, then a deskimpregnated with the deadly se-rum of the Vorax Revoltariumbeetle. The poisoned Diesel slow-ly dies over the final 45 real-time minutes of the film.Directed by Mike Leigh, this is

a must-see for all haters ofdesks.Colin Montgomerie’s rating:pp Some golf references, butdisappointing overall with nouseful tips on bunker play.

ANOTHER DAY ISNOW (15)

T he final James Bond filmbrings the renowned cos-

tume drama franchise to a mov-ing close. After Bond (DanielCraig, below) dies of inoperableprostate cancer in the openingminute, the film movingly ex-plores the impact of Bond’s pass-ing on his colleagues, enemies,lovers and parents Ken andEthel. Whilst this Jan-Leeming-

directed epic may alienate tradi-tional Bond fans, it is, in its ownright, a searching, uncompromis-ing portrayal of the effect ofdeath on the family, and of thewider espionage community asa whole, as it struggles to adaptto new human rights legislation.Monty’s rating:

pNothing in it for the golfenthusiast.

DINO THE DINOSAURGROWS UP (18)

T he fourth in the popular ani-mated children’s series

about a young dinosaur grow-ing up in modern-day Dumbar-ton, is, by some distance, themost bloodthirsty picture Dis-ney has ever put on general re-lease. Dino, voiced by a compu-

ter simulation of the former De-fence Secretary Malcolm Rif-kind, reaches pubescence, andtransforms from the lovableclassroom companion of thefirst three films into a ruthlessflesh-hungry predator. After sav-aging his classmates in arguablythe most graphic scenes of child-eating ever seen in mainstreamanimation, Dino rampagesthrough the town centre eatingpedestrians and cyclists alike,and attempts to mate with a busshelter that looks a bit like a ste-gosaurus. Exhausted, Dino’s

37-minute reign of terror is final-ly ended when he eats a drug ad-dict, hallucinates that his localarms depot is a burger joint, andeats a cluster bomb covered inmayonnaise.The 18 rating may keep away

Dino’s loyal young fans, and theexplicit scenes of slaughter anddinosaur-bus-shelter sex are like-ly to offend all but the most com-mitted carnivores and perverts,but this is a cartoon that not onlypushes boundaries, it also uri-nates in their lunchboxes.Monty’s rating:pppppAn obvious parodyof the career of Miguel ÁngelJiménez.

LETTERS TOTHEEDITOR

CELEBRITYWATCH

THE BUGLE

INAPPROPRIATE ENDINGAS BONDGOES TODOUBLE-OHEAVEN

DIESEL IGNITES FURNITUREMAYHEMASDINOSAUR EATS JUNIORSDear Sir and/or Madam,

Will it be possible to write tothe audio edition of The Bugle?Or, given that it is an audio news-paper rather than a visual one,should I just stand in the street,shout out my letter, and hopethat the breeze carries my par-tially-informed opinions into therecording studio?Sincerely,Sir Oscar Proud, Mithlethwick

The Editor replies:Under no cir-cumstances should correspond-ents air their views in publicareas. There will be a letters ande-mails section in The Bugle.Send your missive either via thewebsite — www.timesonline.co.uk/thebugle - or to the e-mail pi-geonhole - thebugle@timesonline.co.uk - and Oliver and Zaltzmanwill respond to, rebuke, lam-poon, plagiarise or ignore yourcomments as they see fit.

Dear Bugle,Congratulations to the Con-

servatives for having the bare-faced cheek to put a bolt-gun tothe head of the horse of iniquitythat is Inheritance Tax.For too long this unjust so-

called “wealth” tax has causedheartache and walletache to hardand soft-working families alike.The government cares not howpainful it can be to watch lovedones embark on a wantonly ex-travagant spending spree in themonths before death — simplyin order to avoid having to forkout from the grave for schoolsand hospitals for the living, andwars they will never enjoy.Indeed, my own father, a

wealthy man who opposed taxin all its forms and found theconcept of redistributing hiswealth as nauseating as anyoneelse with money, was so militant-ly opposed to what I like to callthe Bereavement Levy that, liter-ally seconds before he passedaway, he placed a £11.2 milliononline auction bid for a life-sizedporcelain Neville Chamberlain.Thus it was that my family

had to deal not only with theloss of a much-feared patriarchand a long-awaited fortune, butalso with the arrival in the postof the shattered remnants of acommemorative appeaser — allthanks to Gordon Brown.Extremely sincerely,Mrs Meridienne Whelk-Jacobs

Table manners: Desk-mad Diesel on office-only diet

BOOKCHOICE

THE PRESCOTTDIARIES 1994-2007

T hese unedited diaries revealthe day-to-day work schedule

of panel beater John Prescott, andhis rare and unremarkable socialengagements. Published in error.

NOVEL IDOL II

T he hit reality novel-writingtome returns for a second vol-

ume. Simply transcribe a well-known medium-to-low-qualitynovel into the empty pages, mir-roring the original typeface asclosely as possible, and post itback to the publishers. Gratui-tously disparaging commentsabout your handwriting will thenbe published in a national news-paper. The eventual winner winsa contract to transcribe a bookwritten badly by someone elsewhich no one will ever read.

THE BLUE BALLMURDERS

B arnstorming historicalwhodiddit set at the World

Snooker Championship qualifi-ers at Pontins in Prestatyn in1987. After three of the world’stop 150 snooker players dropstone dead whilst lining up cru-cial blues to the right middlepocket, the unthinkable questionarises — is one of the world’s topsnooker umpires a calculating se-rial killer? Or has snooker unwit-tingly discovered a deadly angle?Fictional commentator Clive Liv-erpool heroically speculates frombehind the microphone.

ARTS / MISCELLANEOUS OTHER

By Natasha Kwan,Princess of Books

B ritish stars seen out andabout this week . . . Sir

Harold Kroto (above) BritishNobel-Prize-winning chemistrywhizz, spotted doing some nanote-chnology in the Science Facultyat Florida State University wherehe now works whilst humming asong by foxy dead jazz starlet EllaFitzgerald . . . Baroness Hale ofRichmond, the first female LawLord, seen discussing an issue con-cerning male prisoners withformer High Court judge DameElisabeth Butler-Sloss — neitherwoman’s husband was present . . .Professor Alan Smithers, the in-fluential 69-year-old educational-ist, rumoured to have been over-heard talking about problems inteacher provision with MPs on across-party committee, whilstwearing a distinctly uncool jack-et and tie combination . . . AngieZelter, peace activist and globalstar of non-violent direct actioncampaigns, caught on radiobeing most uncomplimentaryabout Trident Nuclear subma-rines . . . James MacMillan, aceScottish composer and conduc-tor extraordinaire, seen bleary-eyed at 8am on Monday, furtive-ly ushering a piano tuner into hismusic room.

FILMS

By Emma Rhyl, SocialiteCorrespondent

FORECAST YOUR OWN WEATHER THE BUGLE AUDIO CROSSWORD

B3

F or the next 26 weeks, each edition of The Bugle will containone clue towards its unique cryptic audio crossword. Fill in

the above grid with your weekly solution as autumn turns towinter and winter to spring. As a special introductory gift, weare donating you the clue for 1 across (below), and TWO FREELETTERS to get you started.Anyone who correctly completes the entire crossword next April

will win the right to treat themselves to a cup of tea and a sit down.

ACROSS1. Bangers made by wise men all around America? The cheapones may contain pig’s testicles (8)Listen in to Monday’s first edition of The Bugle to receive yoursecond clue

By Juniper Fetch,Correspondent ofthe Moving Image

A

E

SHOUTOUT?

FILM OF THE WEEK

INQUESTOPENS

Sun

Cloud

Rain

Storm

TONY MILLER & WES POOKTwo short men who came tomatches on each other’s shoul-ders so one would get in free. Butone spent the match holding theother on his shoulders, unable tosee it. Miller was Commonwealthlow jump champion in 1970, witha leap of 5millimetres. Pook redis-covered nitrogen after it was lostat a scientific conference in 1974.

CRICKET

T he inaugural ICC Coin TossChampionship has been won

by Australia, after the Pakistancaptain Shoaib Malik wronglycalled heads in the final at EdenGardens, Calcutta.The Australians had beaten

strongly-fancied South Africa inthe semi-final on Monday, afterthe Proteas’ skipper, GraemeSmith, called “Legs” in the semi-final, condemning his team to an-other embarrassing exit from amajor tournament.Stand-in Australian captain

Adam Gilchrist dedicated thevictory to Ricky Ponting, whomissed the final after rupturing athumb knuckle tendon inpractice. ICC Chief ExecutiveMalcolm Speed said thetournament had captured theimagination of the advertisingexecutives. “From a revenue pointof view, we have cut out theproblematic cricketing phases ofcricket. This is a commerciallyviable format, which has its placein a balanced calendar.”

TENNIS

M ike Dench, 57, from Swan-sea, has been appointedRog-

er Federer’s new coach. Denchhas never played tennis himselfbut used to like watching HanaMandlikova in the 1980s, thoughhe cannot remember why.Federer, who has won 5 of his 12

grand slam titles without the aidof a coach, explained his decisionto appoint a man with no tennisbackground. “Come on, it’s the eas-iest job in the world,” said the 6ft1in racket-wielder and Swiss per-son. “All the guy has to do is say‘Shot, Roger,’ every couple of sec-onds during practice, and occa-sionally fill up the ball machine.Any clown could do it.”

YETMOREHUMILIATIONFORAUSTRALIA

By Wole, MarginalSports Correspondent

G reat Britain’s under-pres-sure Belittlers besmirched

and disparaged their way to a sen-sational victory over much-fan-cied Australia, silencing an irk-somely partisan home crowd andearning a place in Sunday’s finalagainst old enemies France.Rising like uncomplimentary

condors above their disappointingearly World Championship form,Team GB shocked the Scofferooswith a determined fightback at astunned Vegemite Arena. Britishcaptain Barry Wackle once moredenigrated from the front — itwas he who had earlier saved Brit-ain from ignominy in their quart-er-final against Spain with hiscareer-defining last-minute belit-tle, dismissing number-one-ranked Spanish artist Pablo Picas-so as “a glorified cartoonist”.Yesterday’s contest had begun

with depressing familiarity forthe vocal travelling supporters,as Australia took their now cus-tomary lead in the Disparage-ment of Widely RespectedPeople and Things discipline.Their early dominance was

largely attributable to an inspiredperformance from under-21 inter-

national Martin Wiggstragg, whoopened proceedings with a techni-cally risky disparagement ofhighly-rated dead British play-wright Shakespeare. The youngAustralian casually dismissed theformer dramatist’s renownedHamlet as an “elongated mono-tony of vapid predictability, abouta spineless, self-important idiot”.Wiggstragg later admitted that

the judges would have penalisedhim for excessive and groundlessdenigration, had he not followedit up by damning Shakespearewith some brilliantly faint praise.Smash-hit tragedy King Learwas, he said, “all right, if you’reinto that kind of thing”, whilstshrugging his shoulders and look-ing at his fingernails.Britain struck back through

Maureen Scleve, MVP in theGroup B match against Germany,after writing ace composerBeethoven off as “nothing but a tri-fling tunester”. Scleve describedAustralia’s renowned climate as“nothing to write home about”,“needlessly hot in places”, and “notas good as the Mediterranean”.However, Australia surged

into a seven-point lead whenKarlstein-Bruce Wokel — Mel-bourne Slaggers’ $3.2 millionsummer signing— said that Brit-

ish physics whizz Sir Isaac New-ton’s Theory of Gravity was “thekind of half-baked schoolboyscience that Einstein could havedreamt up in his sleep”.Britain never panicked, trusting

that their superior bantering tech-nique would prove decisive in theHead-to-Head Belittling. Veterandownplaying specialist MuriellaLewis dismissed Wokel as “a tal-entless parody of an Australian”,and Wokel’s “moron” jibe in re-sponse prompted reprehensionfrom the judges and chants of“What a waste of money” fromthe travelling Smarmy Army.The Aussies were in disarray.

Their young American-born star,Prebell Chicken, showed his inex-periencewhen he could find noth-ing worse to say about his oppo-site number Gerald Pilge thanthat his shirt was hanging out,and Pilge slapped home his ad-vantage by aspersing that Chick-en’s impressive operatic baritonevoice was “an irritating nasalwhine that could drain the will tolive from the most optimisticchild”.Thus, Britain took the lead for

the first time, as the captainscame face to face. They matchedeach other besmirch for be-smirch, until Australian skipper

Paul McClean unleashed an un-stoppable barrage of combina-tion taunts at Wackle. Thisseemed to have tipped the bal-ance Australia’s way, but Swed-ish referee Svååntë Hukki ad-judged McClean’s commentsabout Wackle’s personal hy-giene to be outright insults, andawardedWackle a penalty sneer.The snook was there to be

cocked, and Wackle cocked it.He called the defenceless Mc-Clean “morally worthless, spiritu-ally squalid, and unfit for what-ever purpose he presumes togrant himself”.The final whistle blew even as

Wackle was still mid-slate, andBritain were into the final for thefirst time since 1982. And if theycan deride the French as effec-tively as they badmouthed theAustralians, then victory, OBEs,and the slow, complacent declineof their sport surely await.

AUSTRALIA: McClean (QueenslandHatchets; capt.), Wokel (Melbourne Slaggers),Wiggstragg (WA Downrunners), Chicken(New York Mockers), Ivanic (DesprecioSantander; sub: Connelly (Sydney Sneer), 52.

GREAT BRITAIN: Wackle (Glasgow Dep-recators; capt.), Scleve (Taunt London), Pilge(Barcelona), Lewis (Manchester Scorn), Kopp(unattached). Sub not used: Hamilton-Ahmed(Mersey Underraters).

Attendance: 44,981.STAR BELITTLER: Muriella Lewis —

oozed class throughout, competition derisionof the highest calibre.

MILDRED HERSTMONCEUXCame to football disguised as aman due to social stigmaattached to women attendingsport at the time. It was laterdiscovered that she was in fact aman. Had a sex changeoperation to become a woman.Continued to disguise herself asa man. Eventually died of confu-sion in 1976.

TREVIS LEMONDLife-long semi-professionalsoothsayer. Incorrectly predict-ed successful launch of first hard-core pornographic radio station.Died trying to prove predictionthat humans would one day beatsharks at underwater rugby. Hislast words were: “Ref, he’s not re-leasing the tackled player, thatshould be a penalty.”

VASSILY GRITCHKOVSoviet spy and football obsessivewho sent weekly match reports tothe Kremlin.Was convinced Eng-lish football contained codedmes-sages about impending nuclearstrike. Hid in underground bun-ker after seeing a Paul Marinergoal celebration that looked like amushroom cloud. Died in 1988after losing a fight with a walrus.

GOALK

EEPER-FR

EE

FOOTBALL

ExhibitionMatch

(Ham

p-den

Park):Europe0Rest

ofthe

World

0(Rest

ofthe

World

won

1231-1230on

penalties).

By Frank Wildebeest

F ollowing their cataclysmic de-feat to France in the World

Cup quarter-final in Cardiff, theAll Black rugby team explainedthat their loss was not a choke,but rather a satirical comment.Captain Richie McCaw told a

press conference somewhere inthe Southern Hemisphere: “Ourperformance and loss to Francewas meant as a biting parody ofmankind’s complacent attitudetowards impending environmen-tal catastrophe.“We had unprecedented re-

sources of time, money and tal-ent, and yet we were totally un-prepared for the first obstacle weencountered. Similarly, thehuman race has the money, thescience and the global support totake proper action to save theecosystem, yet continues to do lit-tle, and will inevitably suffer thesame catastrophe and humilia-tion that we did. We All Blackswant our green message to rever-berate around the world.”Coach Graham Henry was de-

lighted with his team’s perform-ance. “It was flawless, in the greattradition of All Black World Cupsatire, and the boys can be veryproud.We executed our satire ex-actly according to the gameplan.”Chief satirical adviser Steve

Hansen added: “Every one knewwe were the best side in theworld. It would have been arro-gant to ruck that fact further intothe world’s face.”Meanwhile, All Black Prime

Minister Helen Clark has calledan emergency Cabinet meetingin whatever the capital of NewZealand is to force through a na-tional suicide proposal. “As acountry, we have nothing else tolive for,” she said. “What’s thepoint in going on?”If the proposal is approved,

New Zealand will take a giganticoverdose of painkillers on thesymbolic date of December 16,the anniversary of the All Blacks’historic 1905 defeat to Wales,also, hilariously, in Cardiff.However, The Incredibly Rev-

erend Miller Clode, Archbishopof Australia, said: “This is no wayfor the All Black nation to escapesuffering. There are World Cupsin the afterlife, you know.”

ALL BLACKSCLAIMDEFEATWAS FORGOODOFHUMANITY

BUGLE SPORT

WACKLECOCKS CRUCIAL SNOOK

FIGHTIN

GLate

Result:

(Ancient

Rom

e,174A

D):Lions

4½Gladiators

½(M

ickyate

LuciusCervus;

Toby

clawed

Septimus

Maronus

todeath;Jake

mauled

Per-sivius

Tullo;Bigpuss

thor-oughly

savagedAntilius

Minim

us;Felixdrew

with

LunusVoractacrax

(tooth-ache)).

BIC

YCLE

DRESSA

GE

EuropeanOpen

(Santia-go

BernabeuStadium

,Madrid):

1.F.

Contebo

(Sp)39.87.

2.E-H

.Le

Souffe(Fr)39.81.3.H

.He-

imlicher

(Ger)

38.91.Se-

lectedothers:154.Z.Phil-

lips(U

K)13.54.

182.L.

Arm

strong(U

SA)1.23.

BATTLE

SHIP

S

HMS

Porcupine1

USS

Wurlitzer

0.

WHEREARE THEYNOW? Ipswich Town v Carlisle United, January 23 1957

FRENCH

CRIC

KET

1erDivision,A

vignon:Pro-vence

325(Lechard

78,Boussin

59*;Malfond

6-83)&87-2,drew

with

Al-

sace513-5dec

(Alphonde

231,Puissou

117*;de

Re-

moulade

5-476).

CRAZYGOLF

PCGA

BritishMatchplay,

The

Belfry.Quarter-Fi-

nals:Ian

“The

LeicesterSlasher”

McH

ughbt

Nut-

tyTrevor

4&3.

Wildm

anMcG

rawbt

Screaming

Pete1hole.K

en-Napoleon

Smith-Bonaparte

w/o

Dribbling

Wes

Nunk

(Nunk

hidin

tree).John

Daly

btIan

Poulter2&

1.

BRITISH

BULLD

OG

Cadbury’s

Invitational,Horse

Guards

Parade,London:St

Michael’s

Pri-mary,Birm

ingham0Scuo-

ladiSanta

Ignacio,Naples

3(diV

icenzi,Moretti,Lu-

colla).StreathamLow

er0

Australian

BulldogAcade-

my

Select12

(Hooper,

Cairns,

McC

orcroft2,

Stacker,Meninga

jnr4,

Weisenberg,

Ofahengaue

jnr3).SA

LAD

EATIN

G

Mitsubishi U

KOpen, N

ot-tingham

Vegetablarium

:1-hour

final:H.

Kilner

(Can)

68pts(6xW

aldorf,7xC

aesar,3xC

aprese)beat

K.J.

Navratil

(Cze)

47pts(8xN

icoise, 2xPota-to, 5xSide). A

tt: 23,854.

BELITTLING: WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI-FINAL

YES. IT’S THEREThe Bugle — AudioNewspaper for a VisualWorld. Mondays fromOctober 15. At

timesonline.co.uk/thebugleMay contain lies, orderivatives of lies.6.7 billion potentiallisteners. Don’t be theone to miss out.

RESULTS

B4

RUGBY

This classic 4th-round cup encounter at Portman Road has gone down in football history as one ofthe greatest of all 1-1 draws. But what happened to the people watching it?