The Bowland

Lady!The ‘‘We haven’t released one in a while’’ edition!

#AskAlice

KT Valentine Interview

C(K)ontroversial C(K)orner

Film Reviews!

Best of Bowland twitter!

Should Lady in Red lyrics have been printed in the

magazine?

BowLad: A Lad’s Perspective

#Where’s Jeffrey?

CONTENTS

I've only recently joined the JCR but it's been a bit of a packed term! We've released two mag-azines this term which has been hard work, plus I've taken photos on some college events etc. The highlight of my time on JCR has been becoming better friends with George Rushworth

James Hyde

Is it already my last ed note in the Bowland Lady?! How time flies when you’re having fun! Firstly, and most importantly, THANK YOU to everyone who has contributed to the magazine in this edi-tion and past editions! The magazine wouldn’t be possible without you guys. I’ve really enjoyed being editor and I’ve learnt so much. As for wider JCR responsibilities they’ve made great memories, from the Quiz to Cupid Comes to Lancaster, from Carter Shield to Freshers Week, from Extrav to Comedy and Cake Nights.... it’s been a joy to be part of! Best of luck to the next editor!

Lucy Kim Clews x 2

A note from the Editors...

3. Welfare4. Goodbye from the JCR5. Goodbye from the JCR6. Analysing the Naughty Word7. Analysing the Naughty Word8. Through the Eyes of a Third Year9. Netball Socials10. twitter11. twitter12. C(K)ontroversial C(K)orner13. #BIGTALK with Phil Woods14. Green’s Grumbles15. Power to the People16. The Lady in Red17. The Lady in Red/ Hustle Story18. Film Reviews19. Film Reviews/ Events Calendar20. BowLad: A Lad’s Perspective/Poetry Corner21. Bowland Halls/ I Like to Ride my Bicycle22. Does Academic Intelligence= Intelligence for Entrepreneurs?23. Recipe Corner24. KT Valentine Interview25. #AskAlice26. #Where’s Jeffrey?27. Photos28. Photos

Hello everyone, it’s the welfare team calling!

Our year in office as your Welfare Team is coming to an end – which is extremely devastating if we think about it. It has been a pleasure being your Welfare Officers so here is – for the very final time – an update of what we have been up to. Alex, Shannon & Marten

Freshers’ Week We spent the end of last term, a considerable time throughout the summer and the days before Freshers’ Week preparing all the Welfare-related aspects of this amazingly exciting week. You could literally sense the excitement of the Freshers’ arrival at our Rep Training – which was a really good opportunity to get to know all these lovely people which turned out to do an absolutely brilliant job. Throughout the week we maintained a system of Block Reps which liaised between Reps, Freshers, the JCR and the SCR. In the daytime we ran two events with the support of all you people who turned up – the Hangover Cure and the Welfair Games in support of Animal Care.

Welfare Week People – we hope you are psyched for this! This week (Week 8) is our grand finale of campaigning. Each day is dedicated to a different theme, things we have addressed as Welfare Officers throughout the year. Amongst these are Sexual Health, Alcohol awareness, our well-known Plastic Bag Amnesty, cultural awareness, healthy eating and exercise as well as a day dedicated to academic issues. Keep up to date with our campaigns by using #bowlanddoeswelfare (Twitter) or checking out the Facebook event. Many chances to fundraise and get involved!

Drop-in sessions If you wish to have a chat about any aspects of university life, we continue to be available for your worries and concerns. Our Drop-in session are held several times a week in the JCR Office (up the stairs from the Por-ters’ Lodge, last room on the left) and you can pop in for some coffee, tea, biscuits or condoms. If you cannot make any of these sessions, feel free to directly contact a member of the Welfare Team. Alex (Academic & Welfare) – Monday, 12-1Shannon (Academic & Welfare) – Wednesday, 1-2Marten (International & Equality) – Thursday, 12-1

Councils, Meetings, LUSU... As your elected voice for the college to represent issues of Student Wellbeing, we have continued to work with the respective councils and sub-committees of the Students’ Union. On EWD Council, we are working with the newly created Liberation Officers to ‘build’ their very own forums (e.g. Diversify Council / International Students’ Association), have supported LUSU Gives in the #Pudsey24HourTakeover with a Cake Sale in Bow-land Bar and helped publicise Dyslexia Awareness Week through Academic Council. 3

Hello Bowlander,

My last magazine column. Thank the Lady. It says a lot about my time on the JCR Exec that writing my column has been one of the things I've least enjoyed (what exactly are you supposed to write?)

I really have enjoyed my time on the JCR and as President. It has been hard work, it has been stress-ful and there may have been times you've heard me complaining to someone else about it. However, if I could go back in time I definitely would do it again, as the positives outweigh the negatives so much. I've met some really great people - people I hope will stick around in my life for a long time to come. Be-ing on the JCR allowed me to realised exactly what I was passionate about and what I wanted to do with my life, and has allowed me to gain experience, the personal and professional skills I need to do what I want.

By this point the new JCR will have nominated themselves, so there's no point in me trying to inspire you to run for anything. All I can say is: just because you're not on the JCR, it doesn't mean you can't be an involved member of the College. Try out for or support our sports teams (which at the time of writing are doing very well), hang out in the Bar

during your breaks in lectures or just come down and support the JCR's events and campaigns. Want to run your own? Then contact the JCR - one of the main things they're in position to do is represent and empower students!

As we approach the end of term I hope your essays and other end-of-term assignments are going well and that you have avoided the Christmas Blues. I wish the succeeding JCR the best of luck. It's not the destination but the journey that counts - hopefully your journey is as enjoyable as mine was.

Signing off,

Lee DuddingBowland College President 2014

So my time on the JCR is coming to an end and it’s probably about time I gave an ‘update’ and an over-all summary of the past year. First of all let me say it’s been a great year; it’s been a lot of work at times but I’m very glad I went for the position – it’s a lot of fun and I’ve made some good friends on the way, as cheesy as that sounds. Like I’ve said in articles before this, a lot of the role is stuff people generally don’t want to hear about – like attending councils or Sub Committee meetings. Woo, so much fun. But then we get to the more interesting stuff – the real highlights of the year such as welcoming hundreds of new faces into the college and working on big projects such as Freshers Week and Extrav. I mean, how many people can say they’ve planned a week of events for over four hundred people? Not many, I’d assume. I would be blatantly lying if I said it wasn’t stressful at times, but that’s part of the fun. Where would anyone get if they didn’t push themselves every once in a while? Nowhere. Also it’s none of that “it will look good on your CV” rubbish, the

feeling of accomplishment you get from organis-ing things such as Freshers Week and then seeing them become a reality is far superior to any cliché sounding paragraph you can put on your CV, trust me. Well, for all the update stuff: Freshers Week went pretty well (well, at least I think so), the Big Red Bar Crawl – which I’m taking no credit for as it was primarily put together by our lovely social secs – was a smash hit, as always. Generally it’s been a really good term, not to mention an amazing year. I hope to see all of you around still and I’ll always remain a bit of a college keeno – just because next term I won’t be VP anymore doesn’t mean you won’t be seeing my ugly mug around anymore. Also I’d like to say thanks to everyone that made it possible – attending events and such; especially the freshers, you really are a great bunch, it wouldn’t have been the great year it was without you all. A bit wet, I know. See you around.

Chris Green. 4

It’s time the JCR say so long, farewell...

“As one of the last batch of JCR members, only being voted into the posi-tion in June of last year and coming into my role for Michaelmas term, I

had a baptism of fire during freshers week which was of course an intense start, but by no means put me off the role. I've really enjoyed what time I've spent in the role especially the meeting of new students and the relationship that as a JCR we have with our peers, there's something about wearing that

black polo that makes you suddenly more approachable and during freshers week especially this adds to the overall enjoyment. Meeting new people and

knowing that if someone is in trouble they have you to rely on gives you responsibility that has a certain sense of satisfaction to it.

My favourite event during my time as a Social Secretary (soon to be events representative) for the college has got to be the trip to Liverpool; being

sober in clubs is not everybody's ideal night out but the atmosphere on the coach and the general vibe from the college did us all proud.

From my experience of being on the JCR I've gained experience in plan-ning, promoting and executing events for large groups and the patience that goes along with this (particularly regarding drunken freshers).” Joe White

“Being one of your Social Secretaries has been one of the most fun, fulfilling and challenging experiences I’ve had. It’s a chance to be a part of a team that can make a real positive impact on people’s lives within the college. You become part of shaping what it means to be a Bowlander– and that’s really special. For me, the highlight of this year was looking out at the crowd at Extrav from the stage and seeing everyone dancing, laughing and having fun and realising that I had played a part in making it all a reality. Be prepared to work hard, be prepared to be stressed and be prepared for how rewarding it can all be if you put the effort in.” Julia Sammons

“This term I have continued to monitor the finances and take minutes at meetings. I also assisted Chris during

Intro Week. My time on the JCR has been great! I have especially enjoyed getting

involved in the College be-yond my remit and having

an influence on the way the College has been run. My personal highlight was seeing the decorations for Extrav get put into place. I had worked hard on creat-ing the Circus theming and feel it was a great success”

Jason Driver 5

“JCR has been an amazing experience for me, it has allowed me to meet some incredible people and be a part of something that will stay with me forever. I have worked with some great peo-ple and enjoyed every minute of it and I’m sad that it is almost over! Whilst being a part of the JCR I have had the opportunity to attend some great events, my favourite of which being the Comedy and Cake nights! I love these events as they are a great way to chill after a hectic week and you get free cake! Good luck to the next JCR and have a fantastic time!” Georgia Baker

Ladies and gentlemen- being new to the JCR has been a really good experience, me and James get on like peas and carrots, and I don’t know really apart from that. Bowland are doing relatively well in Carter Shield, with a current standing of 4th following a successful dodgeball session and a challenging zorb football tournament. Week 9 is the big one- ultimate frisbee- so #turnup and #takepart. My JCR highlight was being on ‘sober duty’ for freshers week- ciao bella x George Rushworth

Burly Yorkshire Lasses, mute-hating bullies and jam sandwiches: a style-based study into the versatility, omnipotence and gran-deur of the naughty word.

Lets start by having a little fun. I’m going to say a naughty word and I want you to tell me what you feel.

Fuck.

There. You feel that? Actually, I’ll say it again, and, this time, make it look more terrifying.

FUCK

Whoah! …wait, can you even read that? (It’s in a font called ‘Lucida Console’, apparently…) Okay, just look at the first example then…Did you feel that sickening sense of horror flood your belly, or the hairs on the back of your neck do a little jive? Maybe you cried out in horror? Or maybe you just took note of my name and immediately sent an angry email to the university dean (I seriously hope not, by the way). Let’s face it. You probably didn’t feel any of those things. But I would argue that a good number of you felt at least a fleet-ing sense of sickness as your eyes brushed over the word. That sort of feeling you get when you go over a dip on a rollercoaster. Or when you’re in a lift after eight pints. You see, naughty words are my favourite words. They have that little umph that other words simply don’t have. They draw attention to things, convey humour or seriousness, and even provide hints as to the geographical background of the speaker (as we shall see later). This article endeavours to inspire the Bowland populace into using naughty words and illustrate the great wealth of meaning that we may convey by using them. And so we begin. Let’s go back to basics. “Words are strings of intermingling sounds that convey meaning” (Balfour 2014:1). Here, I’ve drawn a diagram:

WORD -> MEANING Yes, I know that was completely useless, but I wanted the article to look more scientific. In any case, swear words –I think we can all agree- are words. Words that, in fact, display a great deal more versatility that many other words that we have at our disposal. Let’s look an example:

Evangeline said “Theodore, get me a sandwich.”

There. Nice and easy. A sentence we no doubt hear daily. (Although, sadly, we don’t find many Theodores knocking round now-adays. Or Evangelines,). Also note how the example doesn’t rely on dirty stereotypes. This time the woman is ordering the man into the kitchen. Take THAT misogynists! Here we’re considering written language, something we’d find in a book or newspaper so, unless you have special pow-ers, we have no indication of the tone of voice, speed or accent with which Evangeline is requesting this sandwich. With a name like Evangeline, we can probably guess that she is speaking in a rather posh-RP-southern accent, but that’s stereotyping, so we can’t think that. Likewise, the reporting clause (i.e. “said”) tells us very little. We just know that she said it and nothing else. We also have no idea what sandwich she wants. And neither does Theodore. We can only guess that Theodore is going to put together a jam sandwich, because, if Evangeline turns out to be vegan, he’ll have to take it back. And everyone likes Jam sandwiches. Anyway, back to language, more specifically style. Let’s experiment with our swear word and see what happens.

Evangeline said “Theodore, get me a fucking sandwich”

N

ow we’re talking. Immediately, we get a feeling that Evangeline wants her sandwich quite urgently. We can also sense that Evan-geline is probably not too happy with Theodore, maybe because she’s vegan and the ham sandwich he served her earlier had to be binned. That’s a waste of a sandwich.Another thing we might pick up is that Evangeline has the power in this exchange, not just because she’s the only one talking, but because she has the guts to use naughty words when talking to Theodore. Theodore, on the other hand, appears subservient. That might have something to do with the fact that he doesn’t speak. Maybe he’s mute. You see, swear words are powerful words. They’re the Phil Taylor of the English Lexicon, the heavyweights of the Oxford English Dictionary. Swear words tell us a lot, not just about how things are said, or how emphatic our statements are intended to be, but also about our social identities or our geographic backgrounds. Let’s take another look at our sentence, and add a few subordi-nate clauses here and there.

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Evangeline said “For fuck’s sake, Theodore, get your fucking arse in gear and serve me up the best fucking sandwich that this fucking human race has ever fucking seen.”

Right, I know this example is a bit more grammatically complicated, but I’ve underlined the naughty words to help you identify them.

Evangeline said “For fuck’s sake, Theodore, get your fucking arse* in gear and serve me up the best fucking sandwich that this fucking human race has ever fucking seen.”

*there is an ongoing debate at the moment in linguistics as to whether ‘arse’ is in fact a naughty word

Take some time to look over the example. What can we interpret? Personally, I think this tells us more about her social identity. Nearly everyone says naughty words a little. Even people who downright refuse to utter naughty words occasionally blurt one out in moments of extreme exasperation. We can forgive Evangeline for her earlier expletive. But now, she seems to be taking the piss a little. I count one, two, three, four, five, six naughty words in that sentence. That’s 20.69% of the entire sentence. We can guess that Evangeline perhaps makes a habit of saying naughty words and is therefore from somewhere like Preston, or Chorley, where nearly everyone seems to blurt out naughty words. Or Morecambe.We could even emphasise that by clipping the voiced velar nasal from syllable coda position in order to emphasis she’s north-ern.

Evangeline said “For fuck’s sake, Theodore, get your fuckin’ arse in gear and serve me up the best fuckin’ sandwich that this fuckin’ human race has ever fuckin’ seen.”

You see? Not only have we elaborated on Evangeline’s intentions and emotional state, but we’ve also fleshed out her character and geographic background –all with the use of the same naughty word. Neat, eh? Not only that, but we’ve also saved the world a little by refusing to abide by stereotypes. Evangeline is no longer the super-posh, RP speaking woman we assumed she was beforehand, but a burly Lancashire lass with a penchant for bullying men into making her sandwiches. We’ve even discovered more about Theodore, the apparent mute man-slave. The plot thickens… So, if you take one thing away from this article, take away a newfound fascination of the beauty and power of naughty words. After all, you don’t necessarily have to stick to using them in novels, or fiction even. Try dropping in a ‘fuck’ or two at the family Christmas dinner, or during a seminar, or at the dentists when you’re next going for a check-up. Try telling your cat to ‘fuck off ’, or letting your grandma knock just how much of a ‘fuckwit’’ she is for forgetting to provide you with your usual pocket money this week. Consider asking the Barclays cashier to ‘politely fuck off ” or asking Theodore for a sandwich. Evange-line would be proud… :’)

Jim Balfour

*FYI the author does, in fact, hail from Preston, Lancashire, which is not too far from Chorley and Morecambe so you can’t accuse him of being ‘cityist’ or ‘cultureist’. That’s just how the game works.

References

Balfour, James. (2014). The propagation, pseudo-epistemic conflagration and hyper-biliousness of the naughty word. Grimsby: Penguin Classics. p.1

James Balfour is available tomodel for life drawings

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Through the Eyes of a Third Year So, well done you’ve managed just over half a term. I can’t say that’s the toughest academically it’s going to get, more the fact that it’s one of the most gruelling, emotional and usually alcohol-induced times that you will ever experience in your life.

These first weeks are probably the most interesting at a university, everything’s new (except the darts lads living in the bar, have they been here all summer?) and people have changed. It’s strange being the ‘oldest’ in the college, you feel you now have a responsibility to uphold all things Bowland and help the new crop refrain from becoming the County and Lonsdales of this world.

To all you freshers, a few words of advice: Enjoy this year! Your fresher year will more than likely be your most enjoyable so take as much as you can from it. Do absolutely loads. When I say this I don’t mean sit in your room doing work I’m talking about getting involved, meeting new people and having an experience that you enjoy. A few words of practical advice, if you want to endear yourselves to the lovely second and third years do not talk about your workload! Your quest to a 40% pass has begun and that is as far as it goes, enjoy everything else uni offers you.

To the second years, welcome. Welcome to the reality of what we were whinging about last year. Now you’ll realise that you want first year back like a grovelling Ashley Cole. You’ll look back upon your time as a fresher with both jealousy and snobbery. It’s like when you started your A-Levels and realised the novelty of GCSEs. We can now relate to you and you to us. You have permission to speak of your workload and shudder at the thought of 40%.

Finally to my fellow third years. I’m not sure what just happened in the last two years, it went too quickly. Let’s enjoy this last year, we’ve managed two already so a third will be a doddle right? It may not be the excitement of first year or the tran-sition of second but this is the year that will define us. I look forward to working towards the day where we can represent Bowland at graduation knowing that we were part of the best Lancaster Uni has to offer. Thanks and see you in a silly hat and robes some time.

Dan Wheatley

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Netball SocialsHave you ever wondered why there are more than 30 tipsy school girls walking around the city centre of Lancaster? Or have you ever seen 7 grandmothers having a dance off in Sugarhouse and wondered who they are and who let them out of the nursing home? Ever wanted to join a fraternity? There is no doubt that what you have witnessed, it is of course Bowland Netball having one of their weekly socials. We have 53 members in Bowland Netball this year and we have already had 5 socials, and there are many more to come! We would like to think that we are quite famous for our netball socials and this might be because of our wide range of fancy dress themes. Our themes range from Harry Potter to chavs, from rock stars to super heroes and it is fair to say that we have collected some fine costumes over the last couple of months.

As a team it is important to get to know each other off the court so we can work better on the court. Netball socials are a great way to get to know each other on another level whether that be carrying each other home, holding each other’s hair when being sick, all those awkward bathroom chats and spilling all on shame day. Great. No better way we would say.

All joking aside, there is more to our socials than just drinking. Our sober socials gets pretty wild too. We ran around like demented women on our scavenger hunt social, stuffed our faces at Pizzetta’s all you can eat and plan to burn off the calories from all the extra Jaeger shots, that we definitely didn’t need in Yorkies, by having extra fitness sessions.

This year, for the first time ever, we have the pleasure of having 4 Bowland Netball teams! The interest in netball has definitely grown throughout the college, and it is a joy to see how many girls turn up to training every Monday and Thursday. It is safe to say that this year will be a great year for Bowland Netball and many memories will be made!

Written by Kerry Wheeldon and Anette Furulund

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What can I say?... ed.

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C(K)ontroversial C(K)orner In an issue which reaches further than the football field, the possible return of con-victed rapist Ched Evans to professional football has been all over the news in the past few weeks. There is a petition which has well in advance of 150,000 signatures aimed to stop his move back to Sheffield United and the web is littered with opin-ionated commenters deploring the very possibility of a rapist playing football. A bit of quick background: Throughout all of this, Ched Evans has maintained his innocence. He admits having sexual inter-course but claims it was consensual. His team mate, Clayton Donaldson, was also charged with rape but was found to be in-nocent. Evans has been proclaiming his in-nocence ever since his conviction. Interest-ingly, his fiancée (a very forgiving woman) has stood by him the whole time and her millionaire father has even been spearhead-ing the campaign for Ched’s innocence. The negativity towards someone who has been convicted for a sexual as-sault is not something which dies down once the sentence has been served. In the first line of this article I described Ched Evans as “convicted rapist” and I’m sure it is a label which will precede his name in many texts. If he does return, he will not be the first footballer to have a criminal con-viction. Everyone’s favourite philosopher Joey Barton has had his struggles with not assaulting people for example. However, a sexual offence receives more attention and provokes stronger opinions than your run of the mill assault. A simple Twitter search of “Ched Evans” throws up some interest-ing opinions, “Why doesn’t he crawl under a rock, or better still a bus?” one comment-er muses. While there are messages in his

favour, the overwhelming feeling seems to be that he should not be allowed to play professional football. Recently, a number of Sheffield United patrons have resigned after the club’s decision to allow Evans to train with them. It’s an interesting thought. What do people expect to become of sexual offenders when they leave prison? After serving a sentence the aim is surely to reintegrate into society. How can one accomplish this if getting a job is off limits? After all, playing football professionally is Evans’ job and source of income. He has served his sentence, why shouldn’t he be able to play? Evans will have been pleased to hear Gordon Taylor (chief executive of the Professional Foot-ballers’ Association) say: “I didn’t know there was a law that said once you come out of prison you still can’t do anything”. The PFA are clearly firmly in Evans’ corner; it was them who asked Sheffield United to let Evans train with them. Obviously in the real world, having a criminal record makes it harder to get a job. However, if you were as good at your job as Ched Evans - he scored 35 goals in the season before his conviction - I would think you would also stand a decent chance of finding employment. And ultimately, in this morally charged issue, I think that is what it will come down to. If Ched Evans is fit and still good enough to compete in the football league then I would expect him to return. And in my humble opinion, so he should.

Phil Woods

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#BIGTALKwith Phil Woods

I’m sure most people reading this are familiar with the character Dapper Laughs. A creation from the mind of Daniel O’Reilly, Dapper Laughs shot to fame through a series of Vines displaying the best of British lad culture. Television still had high quality programming and the internet was home to the weirdos. All was right with the world.

However, the bigwigs at ITV decided that Dapper Laughs’ brand of banter was simply too good to be limited to 6 second videos. Thus was born “Dapper Laughs: On the Pull”. The concept was fool proof. Dapper Laughs would surprise someone and insult them in their own home before going on to making their life infinitely better by demonstrating how to converse with the opposite gender. In the first episode the lovelorn young man is greeted by a cackling Dapper Laughs who proceeds to tell young Ricky that his face resembles female genitalia and ask whether he’s defecated in his trousers.

In the interests of my high standard of journalism, I watched the entire series to come to an informed conclu-sion. The first episode is very watchable thanks to the affable young man with a face like a fanny. He regales the audience with tales of wanking in the woods and reveals that he has claustrophobic knees. It’s all good, clean fun. Unfortunately the host can’t match this level of wit and humour and as the show progressed it became clear that the series was going to miss Ricky terribly.

To be clear on my stance; the programme is not good. The concept is not good. The execution is even worse. The bizarre segments where Dapper Laughs pays homage to his Vine roots (plant banter) by sharing his wisdom in six second chunks are awful. The show verges on the ridiculous at times with even the willing participants, who we assume are fans, looking rather bemused at times. One of my highlights is when Dapper meets the group of three lads; two of whom are reminded with great tact by Dapper that the fact that they have yet to engage in sexual intercourse renders them virgins.

And then after the series had reached its conclusion, the faithful fan base learned that the series had been can-celled. There was considerable uproar over the series and the character in general. Daniel O’Reilly was made to brutally execute Dapper Laughs live on Newsnight as the banter bus came to a crashing halt.

At best, Dapper Laughs wasn’t always very funny. At worst, he incited sexual assault. The show might have been cancelled due to all the controversy generated by the character. Alternatively, it could have been cancelled as it was 100% unadulterated dog meat. Whichever of these reasons is true, it is no longer on our screens and the character has died. Will this lead to an increased respect in females? Unfortunately, Dapper Laughs was part of a much greater problem so proba-bly not. Is it a good thing that it has been cancelled? Yes. It was shit.

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Green’s GrumblesAnyone that knows me well, or in fact at all, will know that I tend to moan a lot. I only moan at things that need moaning about, obviously. Plus I’m British, so I wouldn’t be fitting the stereotype very well if I didn’t have a good moan every once in a while. Basically this article is just me moaning about stuff. An exciting con-cept if ever I have seen one. Hold onto your hats.

First of all I’ll start out with an obvious on; the horren-dous signal on campus. Like, seriously, I’m convinced you’re more likely to be hit by a falling fridge on campus than get any 3G signal. It’s alright though I’ve resorted to using two cups and some string, it seems to work better.Then on to the second bane of my life, The Spar. What has little tangible value but is more expensive than Gold? Everything, according to Spar. I mean, you do get the odd ‘Spargain’, but ‘tis a rare sight to see a piece of meat in there where you don’t have to mort-gage your house to buy it. There is one saviour though, the flapjacks. They’re 50p and they’re actually really nice, I’m convinced it’s a long-standing pricing error on Spar’s behalf but I’m not complaining. Also have you ever wanted to taste rubber? Go to the bit at the back of Spar later on in the day and buy a ‘bacon sizzler’, I’m convinced if you melted that stuff down you could create a tire. Also I’m convinced the staff know some-thing we don’t know – I’m pretty sure they’re constantly scared of an imminent amphibious assault; what’s with all of the bloody boxes all over the place? I mean, I know they have to re-stock the shelves but do you really have to leave about 400 cans of Red Rooster blocking most of the aisle? Also where did this ‘you must have two items to get a bag’ policy come from? Thankfully I have a pair of hands I can carry dripping wet raw chicken in. Thanks Spar.You can’t talk about spar without talking about LUSU

Shop (The one next to Spar). Or should I say STU-DENTS UNION SHOP, as it has been re-branded by someone who seemingly has no concept of what marketing actually means. It’s really trendy, they sell all of the ‘Lancaster University’ branded stuff. If you have a few hundred pounds to spend on University branded cufflinks and pens then you’re in for a treat. On a bright-er note, they do a really good meal deal. It’s way better than Spar’s equivalent, check it out. If you ever want to hear the most insincere thankyou you’ll ever hear then go and buy something from WHSmith – preferably the chewing gum (It’s only 36p!). If ever there was a completely emotionless facial ex-pression you’ll find it in there.Also there’s something that’s baffled me since I’ve got to Uni. You see, before I came to Uni I thought that the role of a cleaner was to clean up mess, however in hindsight I realise that I was wrong – the actual role of a cleaner is to point out that mess exists then issue ‘notes’. I totally understand that cleaners have some of the hardest work going and I respect them for what they do; nonetheless it makes no sense to not clean some-thing on the basis that it is unclean. After all, there’s not much point cleaning something that is already clean, is there? Much respect to cleaners, I really do respect what they do, however it really does baffle me. Why would you test a fire alarm at 7am? Just why? That is all.Has anyone been in the Library temporary replace-ment, ‘the conference centre’ yet? Well if you’re the size of a borrower then they have just the desks for you. Seriously, it’s like they’ve got normal size desks then cut them in half. Great for doing work.Also does anyone know where ‘loud bus guy’ has gone? Is he alright? Has he retired? I miss loud bus guy. Does anyone know why the buses are going from Dal-ton Square? Like, seriously? Common Garden Street seems fine. It’s alright, we didn’t need shelter whilst we waited for buses anyway, we love the rain.

There’s nothing better than a good moan.

Chris.

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Why should you vote in JCR and CCO elections?

We will first hear from Damon Fairley, Vice President Union Develpment, and then from other members of the college.

Georgia Barker: to have a say on the peo-ple who will represent you next year

Lee Dudding: the first step towards achieving change is voting in people who can bring it

Shannon Regan: if you ever ran for a po-sition you would hope that people attend hustings and vote. The candidates put a lot of effort in to try and gain your vote

Joe White: to make sure the right people represent your interests

Marten Hinz: I would not dare to moan about things if I knew I hadn't taken the few moments it takes to cast a vote when there is the chance to do so

Joanne Buttner: If we don't vote we have no right to complain!

Dan Bowen: what a lot of people don't realise is that JCR members are part of very important committees which decide things like accommodation prices, bar prices and tuition fees. If people realised this, they might take more notice of who is running.

POWER tO tHE PEOPLE

Damon: By voting, you are deciding who will be shaping your collegiate experience for 2015. The students you elect onto the JCR exec will be charged with representing you to the College, University and LUSU. As part of their representation function, your JCR Executive officers sit on various LUSU committees ensuring the Students’ Union is tackling the key issues for students and delivering the activities, socials and cam-paigns students want to see. In addition to their rep-resentation function, college JCR Executives organise key college activities such as social events and campaigns. JCR Executives are also charged with organising their college’s Freshers’ Week and Summer Extrav. By choosing to vote and engage with the demo-cratic process you are helping to shape the student experi-ence for 2015 and the long term future of your college. JCR Executives are an integral part of the Students’ Union and play a crucial role in helping to shape and deliver the student experience. This is

why it is so important to vote and have your voice heard during election time. You will have the opportunity to listen to and question candidates for your JCR Executive at hus-tings and to ultimately vote for the candidates you would like to see shaping your stu-dent experience in 2015. Equally, this week (week 8) will also see the election of a new set of Cross Campus Officers (CCO’s). CCO’s are charged with coordinating and leading campaigns and Students’ Union activity across campus. CCO’s work closely with the LUSU Full Time Officer team and your college JCR Executive to rep-resent you on various LUSU and University committees as well as delivering cross cam-pus campaigns and activity. During this week you will receive an e-mail to your University e-mail account with the link to vote online. All you need to do is click the link and rank the candidates in order of preference. It’s a simple as that!

15

The lady in red

The inclusion of the “Lady in Red” chant in the Freshial edition of the magazine has caused

some controversy - should it have been put in or not? We hear both sides of the argument

from two anonymous Bowlanders......

I love my college. I’m a proud Bowlander, and I ap-preciate all the hard work the JCR Exec does for the college, and I understand it’s a tough job sometimes. However (and when I say this, I acknowledge that not all the Exec wanted to put the chant in), putting the Lady in Red in the Bowland Lady was a mistake. Feminism has had huge exposure over the past year, with well-known females and males from a variety of backgrounds vouching their support for the cause. Putting the Lady in Red - which degrades a nameless woman (the icon of our college, no less) through var-ious vile, sexual acts, in which she has no agency- in our college magazine seems backwards. This is 2014, right?

Many argue that the song is traditional, but tradition-al isn’t synonymous with good, or acceptable (not to mention that this year was the first year I even heard the Lady in Red). The Lady in Red is embarrassing! I can’t think what on earth prospective students and other colleges must think of it. Bowland prides itself on its community spirit, but how on earth does this sexist song do anything but make a large group of people feel uncomfortable and unwelcome?

‘Precautions’ were taken when putting the chant in the magazine: censoring, and a disclaimer. However, it wasn’t the words used that caused offense. And if you really have to put a disclaimer, should you be

putting it in the magazine in the first place? Perhaps we are all adults, and we should all be able to ‘handle’ these kind of things, but that’s a bit ironic, consider-ing how childish the Lady in Red is.

I understand the Bowland magazine is for all Bow-land students, and it is hard to please everyone. But when something is inherently sexist and extremely offensive, is it really necessary to include it? The disclaimer suggests that it was acknowledged that people would be offended, but it seems this part of the audience was dismissed. This is a sexist chant with its roots deep in LAD culture: what kind of audience was it going for? Would a racist article be treated the same way? And, in the end, would people who like the song even notice if it wasn’t in there in the first place?

Yes, you cannot stop people singing the song. It might be their favourite song in the world. But when it comes down to it, there was no need to publish it and immortalise it in the Bowland Lady: it suggests that this is what we’re okay with. It suggests that this is what we will not stand up to, and that it’s perfectly okay to actively publish and encourage misogyny. The JCR Exec is there to represent all students, not just the majority or those who share the same views, and no one should be left feeling uneasy, ashamed or disrespected because of their own college. 16

The chant should not have been in the magazine:

misogyny

LAD culture

feminismbackwards offense

The chant should have been in the magazine:

Since the inclusion of The Lady in Red in the Bow-land Lady’s Freshial Edition, there’s been a lot of controversy. Our college’s chant refers to our mascot the Bowland Lady engaging various sexual activities including, but not limited to, making a living in a bed.

The chant is not about supporting prostitution; it’s about supporting the college. At Lancaster, we use chants to celebrate our college spirit and wind up our so-called rivals, by no means are our chants aimed at anyone in particular – aside from the gorgeous Lady in Red who, by the way, is a fictional character and subsequently cannot take offence at the chant in which we celebrate her – and are in no way contrived to offend anyone.

Though the debate stems from The Lady in Red, it brings up a whole new debate: censorship. Like most of us, I learnt the ‘bad words’ in primary school, but

those weren’t the days I came home crying. Those days were the days I was called ugly by the bully in year five and stupid by my maths teacher. So why is it that we are allowed to use ‘ugly’ and ‘stupid’ freely when they cause more upset than the words we cen-sor? It doesn’t make sense to sensor words that aren’t causing harm to anyone. The editors’ use of grawlixes instead of using the full expletives, the 18+ age rating on the front of the magazine and the editorial note on the side of the page should be seen as enough warning to those of us who are offended by profanity.

Realistically, we will all have differing opinions in terms of what should or should not be included in the magazine, but we have to go with the majori-ty and the majority’s opinion is that it was fine to include The Lady in Red. Not just because it’s a funny song, but because in this country we are blessed with freedom of speech and to challenge that is just fuck-ing silly.

censorship college spiritrivals

freedom of speech celebrate

Now, to lighten the mood, let’s laugh along to the embarassment of one Bowlander’s “Hustle Story”This is my story of my nightmare night in hustle... I say nightmare, but in reality I can't remember a lot of the night in question, mainly due to how amount alcohol I had drunk: let this serve as a warning to all who read

this - alcohol does bad things to you!

It was the last week of my first ever term of University life. All essay deadlines had past and it was the final week until everyone went home for Christmas. Quite a few people in my flat had decided to got to Hustle on

the Tuesday and at first it seemed like a good idea...

It all started at “pre-drinks”. Having drunk almost half a litre of vodka I somehow staggered towards the un-derpass. I had already missed the Hustle bus so I had to wait for a regular one, although I do not remember

the journey at all. I somehow made it into Hustle and managed to start dancing...

Halfway through the night, I started to “get off ” with a girl who I had never met before. To my shame I can't remember what she looked like or even her name, if she even told it to me in the first place. And whilst we were “getting acquainted”, one of her friends, (at least I hope she was her friend!) came up behind me and pulled down my jeans and boxers leaving everything for everyone to see. Unfortunately, still being really

drunk at this point, I didn’t react very quickly. Finally, when I did realise, I failed to pull up my jeans properly, leaving things visible still. Somehow I managed to get it together and conceal myself and one of my friends

(who I am forever grateful for) dragged me away.

I woke up the next morning not remembering a thing until my flatmates took great pleasure in telling me what happened. So there it is, my nightmare Hustle story. I will always hate going to Hustle. It will always be brought up in “never have I ever”. Be warned, alcohol can do horrible things to you. And finally, if the person

in question is reading this then shame on you! 17

Comedy22 Jump Street – Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum return as the slightly too close cop duo in this sequel. And it is the quintes-sential sequel. The name is a joke about sequels. The film is full of jokes about sequels. The plot is exactly the same. But the reason you should watch this sequel is because it is a rarity (especially in comedy) in that it is a sequel that doesn't disappoint. If you liked the first one, you can't not like the sequel. Everything is the same which, surprisingly, works in its favour.

Frank – Michael Fassbender leads an avant-garde pop band while sporting a comically large fake head. For some of you that would have been enough, but unfortunately those people will probably have already seen it. The offbeat comedy is different, and there's something inexplicably funny about any line of dialogue delivered by a man wearing a giant fake head. The daftpunk-esque eponymous character makes this film really strange, and it's quite often dark comedy might put some people off. But hidden behind all this is some smart stuff and it's definitely worth a watch.

The Grand Budapest Hotel – Wes Anderson's latest film with too many big actors to mention is unsurprisingly visually beautiful. All of his films are. But unlike some of his other films his latest effort is consistently funny, making comedy out of its eccentric characters and setting. It's worth watching because it's fun, easy to look at, and it has an incredible cast. Like most of the entries on this list, it is weird. But not that weird. Definitely worth your time for a really funny Ralph Fiennes and lots of pretty pink buildings.

3 genres, 9 films, and why you should watch these 2014 releases if you haven't already

Written by Ryan Lees

Sci-fiSnowpiercer – Like all good films this one begins with the death of almost all life on Earth. The only survivors live on a perpetually-moving train called 'Snowpiercer'. Starring Chris Evans as the leader of a revolution this film pulls no punches and is at times very violent. There's also some pretty grim themes going through the film so if that's not your kind of thing give it a miss. That said it's an extreme-ly entertaining film and a classic dystopian thriller. There's a lot of new ideas in there, and the film has a lot of meaning, but it's also a great action film with twists that actually work.

Under the Skin – Scarlett Johansson plays a seductress with the sole purpose of sleeping with men. But not like that. She's also an alien with a bit of a 'killing people' problem and the result is one of the weirdest films I have ever seen. The director is se-riously talented and you won't know how to react to scenes of grotesque yet beautiful scenes. There is very

little dialogue in the film, and it is at times horrifying to watch and very disorientating. But it is extremely unique and with some of the most visionary direct-ing since Kubrick. I'm not sure if you should watch this actually. But go ahead if you want a couple of hours of being really confused and weirded out.

Left Behind – This is a unique entry to this list in that it is the only one to get on because of how awful it is. Nicolas Cage is some kind of B Movie Mi-chelangelo. And just what the hell happened to this Oscar-winner's career might be the least confusing thing about Left Behind. Like all the best B movies, it takes on a plot completely out of its budget – the Rapture. It rejects everything sensible about religion and just runs with the crazy stuff and the result is really something to behold. It goes beyond 'so bad it's good' territory and zips straight into 'yeh, no, this is just bad'. So you should see it because it's a histor-ically important movie in that it is the worst film to ever contain an Oscar-winner. But also so that we as a species may never have a repeat of this atrocity. 18

ActionGodzilla – Hollywood thought it'd have a 32nd go at doing Godzilla and to be fair this one is a bit better. While there are long pointless scenes building up to the fight scenes, the CGI does make up for it. And for someone who generally isn't that interested in the big fight scenes, these ones are undeniably cool. Godzilla is bigger than ever and the film's other monsters are almost as big. So you should see it because the fight scenes are just really cool. Actually maybe you should just look up the fight scenes on YouTube. The rest is kind of a drag.

Guardians of the Galaxy – Marvel's least generic effort to date and for me their most likeable protagonist. Chris Pratt's portrayal of Peter Quill is endearingly cheesy and the same can be said about the film in general. Extravagant battles between col-ourful aliens set to 70s pop music is something I nev-er expected to see in a cinema. But Marvel's recent success has allowed them to make something differ-

ent like Guardians of the Galaxy. Its unconventional characters all work and it's funny without sacrificing the big action sequences you'd expect. You should see this because it's probably the easiest film to watch all year. Even if you didn't like the Avengers you might like this, and if you did, you definitely will.

John Wick – Keanu Reeves is back and for the first time in ages he doesn't suck. After the biggest box office flop of last year in 47 Ronin, Reeves is back on form with an exciting and slick action film. Unfortunately, another extremely violent film. But the constant movement and energy in the film means you won't want to look away. A typical Hollywood tragedy-revenge flick, which have surprisingly dried up in recent years. The return to the trope is a move away from the gritty realism that Hollywood has recently started to build its action films around. But if you miss the old days when an inexplicably good marksman takes out hundreds of faceless henchmen with nonsensical accuracy, this film is for you. You should watch it because Reeves is a nice guy and he's finally made another good film. Do it for Keanu.

19

No, this isn’t a recipe, or a lecture on political correctness, or one of those really annoying suicidal poems you see in this magazine every now and then. This is just one lad’s perspective. On my nights out I regu-larly spot guys awkwardly shuf-fling against girls (and vice versa) in an attempt to seduce, and every time they fail. It’s just a bit awk-ward to see my comrades in love fail so embarrassingly. I want to put the “love” back into Bowland, you know? Create a bit of Bow-Love? So this week’s topic is a bit of relationship advice for you lads and you ladettes. As a disclaimer, all of these methods are tested with proven 100% success rates. So first off, brush your teeth, comb your hair; add a bit of V05 for that “messy but con-trolled” look the TV keeps telling you about. Girls/guys love wild hair. Trust me. Wearing your favourite T-Shirt is probably a no, so if you’re a guy go and buy one of those really low-hanging vests. You know, the ones that just about cover your nipples and show off those shiny shaven pecs you’ve been spending hours in

the gym to earn. The idea here is to look like the biggest twat you possibly can. Imagine Gary from Geordie hore: that’s the level of twat we’re aiming for here. If you haven’t started gymming yet, then begin immediately. Girls are extraordinarily touchy about their body image but they’re more than happy to demand a hunk in bed, therefore to achieve success you must submit to lifting weights for hours each week. Such is life. Now if you’re a girl, you’re going to want something that can catch his eye. To achieve this I recommend you wear one of those skin tight bodycon dresses that every other girl wears. This screams individualism and is sure to attract your perfect partner on the sticky floors of Hustle. If you’re a little worried about showing off your insecurities, then don’t, everyone is too drunk to notice that strange growth on your ankle anyway. Once you’ve attracted your mate, don’t forget to be as public about it as possible. Grind each other up the walls, stick your tongue so far down each other’s necks you can practically taste

what they had for dinner. This gets the pheromones pumping and doesn’t just cause stronger attrac-tion between the pair of you, it also turns on everyone else around you too! Make sure everyone can see what you’re doing, if they can’t; then you’ve failed. Once this ritual has been performed, then it’s time for the bedding. Just remember to use pro-tection (nobody wants a Bowland Baby, the Welfare Team already have enough on their plates), and if you’re considering something acrobatic like upside down or on the swings at the local park, then I urge you to carefully reconsid-er. One final thing to note: if you think you’ve felt prickles along her legs then don’t be alarmed. This time of year girls tend to grow their “winter coat” to keep them warm in the icy conditions; it’s a natural phenomenon and something you’re going to have to accept until Spring.

Lots of love,

Your friendly neighbourhood BowLad.

BOWLAD A LAD’s perspective...

My KinBehind the daughter, a mother;Behind the mother, a husband;Behind the husband, a family;

Behind the family, a story;Behind the story, a lie;

Behind the lie, a broken heart;Behind the broken heart, a single mom;

Behind the single mom, a hard life;Behind the hard life, a strong bond;

Behind the strong bond, my mother and I.

Written by Gloria Fan

Poetry Corner

20

When I first came to Halls, I was troubled to say the least. The narrow corridors reminded me of a Victorian hospital ward, but with slightly grungier skirting. The view outside my window was mostly taken up by the chimney stains of the adjacent building, below which other students stared bleakly out of their windows at me. Everything inside was broken and the ensuite was incredibly cramped. In fact, it was just a sink.Actually – wait, no – that was Ash House. A rep had given me the wrong key and I had to shift my belongings back downstairs.

Halls itself is a lovely setup. It was built in 1990 to house Lancaster’s postgraduates, so everything is a bit grander than you might think. You get a spacious kitchen to share with a few other students and, as advertised, a basic ensuite. I can’t begin to describe the benefits of having your very own toilet and shower. There’s also plenty of

storage space, particularly if you get one of the built-in wardrobes, and a two-metre-long desk for every resident. Another thing I’ve noticed is the powerful insula-tion. You could have the shoutiest Yorkshireman Skyping his parents in the other room and not even know he’s in.

Because the complex is enclosed around a courtyard, students’ time at Halls varies depending on which house they pick. For any-where facing into the court, you overhear quite a few late-night arguments and may like to join in every now and then. Otherwise you get a lot of wild animals. For instance, if you’re facing north towards the manor, your company consists mostly of bunnies, squir-rels, and ducks. If you’re facing south-east onto the road, you get a lot of fish. That is, steaming-drunk students smearing fish and chips on the windows.

But there are a few other draw-backs to living here. For starters, Halls is almost as far away from everything as County. That means, if the George Fox building fea-tures anywhere on your timetable, you have to make tracks at least 10 minutes early. What’s more, in almost every house, you only get one fridge. That can cause friction of tectonic proportions with your friends, particularly with regards to milk. Lastly, the total accom-modation invoice for a basic ensuite in 2015/6 comes to £4,520, plus deposit. You could save almost a grand by downgrading to standard, but the price is fairly representative of any accommoda-tion on campus.

On the whole, Halls is a pleasant place to live and work, and this article has just reminded me to finish my application to live here for another year.

Written by Daniel Snape

“Anyone who is looking for a nice chilled out experience over the weekend may want to consid-er getting on your bikes with a couple of mates to cycle out to Morecambe. After a 20 minute ride down the cycle route or by the canal, you can soak in various things it has to offer like the fantastic promenade on two wheels and then grab a coffee (or pint) while you are there.” Andrew Campbell

i like to ride my bicycle

a snoop around

BOWLAND HALLS

21

Does academic intelligence = intelligence for Entrepreneurs? Higher education is seen as the end of our childhood, something that acts as a ‘funnel’ to our hope-ful career success. Ostensibly it is the essential step that must be tak-en in order to have a truly success-ful working life. But in a time of rapid industrial change, is it time we inspect the value that educa-tion can drive for entrepreneurs more critically? After all, these are going to be the people directing the companies of tomorrow, which every consumer will trust to run companies ethically and efficiently.

There is a paradigm within edu-cation that has puzzled me since I started my first year at University. I study Management and Entre-preneurship, and I pay around £9,000 per year to be there. That is cheap, compared to the high pro-portion of international students that our University attracts - some paying much more than this sum. These are incredible amounts to pay to be at an institution to sit exams and study a specific subject, which is what a lot of students are exclusively paying for. The problem this creates is that we have students with degrees who have been entirely reclusive in their study of their subject, who by default outcompete people without degrees in the job market, or even people with lower class degrees who have filled their time at university with extra curricu-lum activities. But, which student would be more competent when faced with a real task in a compa-ny; someone with ‘practical intelli-gence’ vs. someone with academic intelligence?

I would concede that this is not

relevant to all subjects. Certain-ly more vocational degrees such as engineering do require a level of knowledge that is best learnt through study and practical education. But for aspiring entre-preneurs, education beyond the fundamentals such as finance and accounting seems superfluous. No amount of PowerPoint pres-entations will form someone with empathy, interpersonal proficiency or the ability to deal with a situa-tion where an angry client needs to be reassured, for example. Short of a profound shift in the way we teach entrepreneurship, these skills come from dealing with real world situations head on.

Ultimately, the issue lies in our employment system, which filters our judgment about how to assess a person’s skills. Companies will disregard applications of anyone who does not have a degree or above, and rapidly this is becom-ing anyone who doesn’t have a masters or above, as we enter into a perpetuating spiral of ‘surviv-al of the fittest’ (if everyone has a degree, no one does). Having met people who study incredibly difficult subjects (academically speaking) such as mathematics or science, I find it hard to support the view that intelligence is cen-tered on academic performance, and how this somehow acts to define our competence in a poten-tial job.

Sir Ken Robinson speaks about how in school we are benignly led away from ‘softer’ skills such as art, theatre or music, in place of what we view to be more academ-ic, or even useful skills. Contrast

this with the fact that we no longer live in a society demanding managers and leaders to have the same skills that they needed in the post-industrial period, and where an understanding of art and cul-ture is incredibly important to our society. Jim Davies writes in his book ‘Riveted’ that ‘the creation and consumption of art compro-mises a major portion of our lives. Young Americans spend about seven and a half hours every day consuming artistic media’. Over-look the ‘softer’ subjects and the skills that come with them at your own peril.

The movement to a more holistic way of judging candidates such as test centers and personality re-views is a great thing. I can com-pletely understand the constraints on companies cost, meaning ultimately candidates have to be axed by some objective measure, but I believe the real solution lies in finding cost-effective subjec-tive judgment techniques, where we are able to include personal experience at the first assessment hurdle,.

In the current climate, it’s key that we continue to strive to do the best we can in university, as we are ultimately forced to live in the paradigm that was created all those centuries ago. However, for entrepreneurs and managers (and I imagine for a lot of other future roles), we have to look further and think how we can generate real world experience, which will truly improve our competence and intelligence.

Written by Fraser Williams 22

Chunky choc cookies 3 1/2 oz butter4oz sugar (half white, half brown is best) 1 egg1oz cocoa powder4oz plain flour 2tsp bicarbonate of soda 6oz chopped chocolate of your choice (we used milk chocolate, Rolo, Crunchie and Skit-tles!)

Combine all ingredients except the chocolate of your choice: you can use a processor to whizz all the ingredients together. Then fold in the chocolate of your choice. Dollop onto greased baking tray - the recipe will make about 10 cookies. Cook on 190° for 10-15mins. Sprin-kle with caster sugar. Allow to cool on baking sheet before removal.

The pictures of our ingredients below definitely look better than the finished piece... but give it a go! They tasted pretty good, at least :) Lucy, Luke and Megan x

RECIPE CORNERThis issue, it’s all about chocolate treats!

Blondies I for one have never really understood the hype around brownies. We all know white chocolate is where the fun’s at. This is a recipe for white chocolate blondies with complete-ly affordable ingredients packed with a fun baking process.

150g of butter (I prefer using Stork because of the grid lines on the container)1 cup of caster sugar 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract3 eggs200g of white chocolate, chopped200g of plain flour1 teaspoon of baking powder75g of white chocolate chips (tbh I never follow recipes when it comes to chocolate chips)

Milky Bars are perfect for this recipe and I’m not just saying that because it’s my favourite chocolate bar :D

First thing’s first you’ve got to melt the butter and 200g of chocolate. Naturally, this should be done in a heatproof bowl, set over a pan of barely simmering water (but you can get the same effect by tossing them in a saucepan). Once that’s done, set it aside to cool and grease an 8 inch square tin. Beat in sugar, vanilla and eggs until combined. Sift over flour and baking powder, then fold through most of the chocolate chips. This is my favourite part as I get to bring out the whisk! Pour the mix in the tin and bake in the oven for 20 - 30 minutes at 180° (or whenever a skewer comes out clean). Once it’s ready, take out of the oven and leave to cool for a bit before cutting into squares.

Enjoy,Sam OkwaraPicture below

23

What's your earliest memory? Off the top of my head it would be my under-the-sea themed fancy dress party we had for my 4th birthday. To this day, I’m pretty sure that’s where my love of fancy dress parties comes from.

What's the craziest thing you did at University (if you went?) Actually the craziest thing I did was not go to University. I've always wanted to be a writer and I was on course to study journal-ism at University, but on a whim I went off and joined the RAF instead. You should have seen my parent’s faces when I came home and told them what I'd done. I don't think they actually believed me for about a week. I was only 19 and had never expressed the remotest interest in joining any of the armed forces before. I just wanted to do something a bit different with my life for a while and when I walked past the RAF recruiting office, I thought why not! Luckily I enjoyed every sec-ond of it.

What's the nicest thing anyone's said to you?The most recent thing that I thought was rather nice was when someone compared my style of writing to that of Marian Keyes and Helen Fielding.

How did you get into writing? I was 25 years old and in the very early stages of pregnancy when I finally decided to work on my first

novel. However, a third of the way through writing it my life took an unexpected turn. Very much out of the blue and barely a few weeks after giving birth, I found myself facing the road ahead as a single mum and in the process of getting divorced. Needless to say, I didn’t write again for years.

Then someone told me that some of the best writers are the ones that write about what they know. Whether that was the case or not, it got me thinking about everything I’d been through over the years and how I could draw on it for inspiration. After turning my life around and spurred on by my family and young son, I finally put pen to paper again and ‘Dis-patches from the Dating Zone’ was born.

Are any of the characters from ‘Dispatches from the Dating Zone’ based on real people? I can neither confirm nor deny whether any of the characters are based on real people (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). What I will say, is that writers have to get their inspi-ration from somewhere.

If you could give aspiring writers one piece of advice, what would it be?Just go for it. Self confidence isn’t one of my strong points and putting my writing out there for people to read and ultimately judge was scary, but the thought of looking back on my life as an old woman wondering ‘what if?’

was the motivation I needed to get myself into gear. At the end of the day, if you have a passion for writ-ing and work hard at it, anything is possible. Look at me.

What's your favourite word? Laborious. It sounds like it should mean something dirty but it ac-tually describes some of jobs I’ve had in the past - and they definite-ly weren’t dirty!

Who's your biggest celebrity crush? It’s a toss up between Damian Lewis (Homelands is my no.1 box-set) and Channing Tatum (sooo pleasing on the eye) but I have to say Benedict Cumberbatch is a close third (the thinking woman’s crumpet).

What's your guilty pleasure? Trashy TV like The Millionaire Matchmaker and The Real House wives series’! I know I shouldn’t like it but…

Tell us a secret.My debut book isn’t my first 15 minutes of fame. I was actually on BBC Newsround when I was 15! I won a journalist competition and flew to Canada to make some news reports on seal culling. I was on Newsround three times, which was really exciting. What wasn’t exciting was the fact my mother had nicked the only scarf we’d taken on the trip and each of my reports featured me wearing a white hotel towel round my neck!! 24

Lucy Clews’ interview with KT Valentine, about her novel Dispatches from the Dating Zone...

Write to Lucy (l.clews@lancaster.ac.uk) with a short description of your most embarrasing date for your

chance to win a FREE SIGNED COPY OF THE BOOK!

#AskAliceGot any issues with getting your 40%? Struggling to balance your drinking with your procrastinat-ing? Romantic troubles? Agony Alice is here to help...

I’m a bit self-conscious about my Movember ‘tache. Is this fad still acceptable?

Yes, but only if you are male.

I think I am in love with a boy from a certain rival college. Can we make it work or is it doomed to a Romeo/Juliet fate? - Unlucky in Love

Once, back when I was a clueless fresher, I thought I was in love with a Lonsdale boy. I was wrong. Never fall for the enemy, it will only leave you sad, confused and rejected by those in your home territory. I find sticking to men from Bowland is much more successful, as do many others in the college, note the numer-ous (mildly successful) romances between the college teams.

I’m in my third year and desperately applying for graduate jobs with little success. I’m so tired of family per-sistently asking if I’ve got a ‘proper’ job yet. How should I respond to make them back off?

A simple ‘no, have you?’ should do the trick. Either that or run off cry-ing and they should soon become too wary of your mental state to pry again.

I lived in annexe first year but am now in Bowland Tower and can’t help but feel I’m not fancy enough for its ensuite luxury. I wish I was posher, is there anything I can do about this? – Feeling Thrifty

Whilst I can’t help but feel this desire for elitism is not in accordance with the Bow-land sprit, my recommen-dation is that you simply pretend you are – that’s what most posh people do any-way. It is mostly a matter of getting the voice right.

If a girl offers to cook a roman-tic meal for me, can I eat the food and leave straight after? – Greedy not gracious

Only if you don’t mind her telling her friends about certain qualities of yours.

What’s that?

It’s netball!It’s netball!It’s Bowland netball!

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#Where’s Jeffrey?

And now it’s time for one of our least popular features ever, Where’s Jeffrey? In every issue of the Bowland Lady, there will be a picture of gym addict, compulsive gambler, and B-team linseman Jeffrey ‘ drunk so pisseddd’ Leung. Beneath is a picture of him so you can recognise him. Anyway, if you can find him in this issue, message one of us with his location, and if you’re correct we’ll enter you into a prize draw to win a retro Bowland hoodie.

Obligatory Legal Disclaimer: This format is a completely original concept. Any similarity to any existing concepts, including but not limited to ‘Where’s Wally?’ is purely coincidental.

The winner of the Freshial Edition competition was Steven Pugh. Here (right) is a photo of him collecting his prize. This could be YOU next time round...

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As this is the last Bowland Lady magazine I will edit, I thought I would end the magazine with a few of my favourite pictures. Some are from Bowland’s brilliant events (shout out to the social team!) and some are taken during my favourite days around lovely Lancaster! Enjoy!

Lucy Kim Clews.

No caption is needed for this photograph...

The Freshers Week quiz had such a good vibe!

I Love being block rep for an-nexe, and here we are at the

Freshers Dinner!

My hand print on the Bow-land canvas - great idea from

Julia, I hope that they will stay on the wall for many

years to come!

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Williamson Park is just amazing, I love living so close to it this year and going for walks there, when it’s not raining that is!

My wonderful annexe friends on the Big Red Bar Crawl!

There was such a good atmosphere up at the castle for the Lancaster Music Festival - it’s annual so make sure you go next year!

SWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEETS AND CHOOOOOCOLLLLAAAAAATE! Need I say any more?!