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the

b’kbitchin’ kitsch

Volume 5, Issue 12December 2014

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2014 Covers 2014 SubmittersAcuna, HectorAhmad, ArifAhmad, ShanzehAlston, Mel Jr.Andreasen, AdamAshley, MichaelBardookie, RooBarnes, ChristopherBeck, GaryBeg, Mandal BijoyBrennan, Tim J.Brown, AmandaBuckles, SissyBullet BrakBunty BeatsCano, ValentinaCarver, MarcCathey, WilliamChristie, MorganChox-MakClay, LouieCluff, MikeCope, RussCummins, LouisDa FrezhmanDebeljacki, TatjanaDeHart, JDDJ YRS JerzyDragona, DanielleDuffey, Emery A.

Eckles, Hannah M.Eder, LaraEscort, TheEubet, RaegetteFlaco, RayFord, RachelFreezyGrabois, MitchellGrayhurst, AllisonGrey, JohnGurney, KennethHaber, Ira JoelHardie, Brian AnthonyHarrison, DawnellHaskell, JanHeartFloHeindl, BleuHeindl, PaulaHill, JennHobkirk, RobHuffman, A.J.Interstate SnakeJames, ColinJebsen, JensJenson, IvanJewett, MikeJones, StephanieJus DazKaros, George K.Keith, Michael C.Kerimian, Kay

Thank you everyone who made this year another special one:

Kiselevach, LauraKnight, Jamie LeeKrszjzaniek, EricKurtz, CraigLarson, ShelbyLee, JohnLeib, BenLonge, PatrickLowe, Jack PhillipsLunatic Swan StudiosMack, TrelMahwite, KudzaiMaier, MarkMarshall, JoshMarvin, LouisMcGhee, MyronMetz, TimMoran, Sarah FrancesMoro, OzzyMr 703Mundan, MaxMwanaka, Tendai R.MXSFLXWETICZN-ToneNiditch, BZNoah, Stanley M.Page, LaurenParkin, TimParren, KristinaParsons, ZakPenney, Toby

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the

b’kbitchin’ kitsch

Volume 5, Issue 12December 2014

2014 DonorsHaskell, JanJones, StephanieRichard, CharlesThe Talbot-Heindls’West, Tallulah

This year we saw 1,101 submissions and we were honored to accept 298. We reached 245 followers on Facebook and 398 on Twitter, 4,997 registered users on our website and 259 people for our monthly newsletter. We launched our very own calendar featuring our unique and dorky submitters. All in all, this has been a memorable and wonderful year. Thank you so much for supporting The B’K and the arts! We literally could not do it without you!

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Philibert, LesliePino, RobertPoddar, KushalPohlplatz, KirstenPolk, DouglasPondeaPrihoda, MichaelProvencio, JessQuick, RichRABRichard, CharlesRinglund, Andrew J.Rockman, AuraRoe, ChrisRonsmans, Alexis HopeRosenthal, JoanneRoth, SyRudin, KathyRutter, DavidSalzano, AprilSarkar, SreyashSavage, W. JackScott, DavidSeis, KyleSen AdreyoSen, GautamSermersheim, DavidSmoke DollazSpruiell, ChaseStamp, LauraSteimel, BekahStill RillSupriye, SushantSweet, MaliceSweet, MarioTalbot-Heindl, ChrisTalbot-Heindl, DanaTaylor, CarolineTaylor, Kristopher D.

To Love SophiaTomlinson, MarinTrilla, RayTroy AveUnger, AdamVeenum, JackWaldman, Dr. MelWalton, JeremiahWard, AnthonyWerachowski, DannyWest, TallulahWlkn_FireWyatt Dun, RobinXavier, PeterYuan, ChangmingZable, JeffreyZurawski, Jacob

2014 Featuresfuzzy slippers, Jess ProvencioA somewhat rambling..., Eric KrszjzaniekReflex, Lara EderDoppleganger, Valentina CanoAfterwards, Myron McGheeNo Hemingway, Sy RothUncle Ray and the Double-Wide Wiener Dog, Louis Marvintwitter poetry, Kay KerimianWhere Are the Mandelas, The Gandhis of This Century, Arif AhmadBlessed Rifles, Jeremiah Walton

Conscience. That stuff will drive you nuts, Sissy BucklesHot Enough For Me, John GreyIn the Circles of Progress, George K. KarosCopycat (Or Why I Won’t Paint That For You), Amanda BrownChange You Can Believe In, Caroline TaylorSun Madness, Sy RothThe Bumble Bee, The Bird, and The Money Tree, Louis MarvinThe Fifty-Seven Other Ways, Michael PrihodaPoetaster, Michael C. KeithBull Terrier, Christopher BarnesPurple., Lauren PageThe Newest Improvement in Failure: An Apocalyptic Comedy, Craig KurtzButthole Problems: Constipation, Lunatic Swan StudiosBreakfast at Nine O’Clock, Kristina ParrenA blind theme of sensual deliverance, Allison GrayhurstCocoa, Andrey SenWe Had Some Woods, April SalzanoAwaken, Jan HaskellThe Day That Scott Walker Invated My Workspace, Chris Talbot-Heindl

Chewing the fat, Sissy BucklesUntitled, Bekah SteimelFor the sake of heavens, for heaven’s sake, Arif AhmadI moved like a moon, Allison GrayhurstBrooklyn to Prescott, AZ to Texas: Travel Plans for Cupcakes, Jack VeenumA new world, Josh MarshallShe was a picture in old Spanish lace, Sissy BucklesRite, Morgan ChristieAfter We’d Seen Too Much, Michael PrihodaNot with Just Our Eyes and Ears, Louie ClayFirst Date, Robin Wyatt DunnLetter to a Friend, Andrew J. RinglundIn Gandhi’s Country, Sushant SupriyeLosses, Dr. Mel WaldmanYou go girl, Arif Ahmad and Shanzeh AhmadThis Book is Boring as Hell: A Monologue, JD DeHartYour Name, It Tastes Like Cigarettes and Shame, Max MundanChinese Food: Three Dishes, Louis MarvinHushed Ambience, David Sermersheim

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about b’k:The Bitchin’ Kitsch is a zine for artists, poets, prose writers, or anyone else who has something to say. It exists for the purpose of open creativity.

All submissions are due on the 26th for the following month’s issue. Please review the submission guidelines on our Submissions page (www.talbot-heindl.com/bitchin_kitsch/submissions) before submitting your work.

community copies:Stevens Point readers, sit down and read The Bitchin’ Kitsch at our community locations: zest, the coffee studio, tech lounge, and noel fine arts center.

advertising:The Bitchin’ Kitsch is offering crazy low rates. Order ads on our Shop The B’K page (www.talbot-heindl.com/support_us/shop_thebk).

donation and acquisition:Printing costs can be a bitch, which is why we continuously look for donations. Any amount helps and is appreciated. We also sell back copies of The B’K. To do either, visit our Shop The B’K page (www.talbot-heindl.com/support_us/shop_thebk).

resourcesOn top of being the best publication ever created by human hands, The B’K would also like to present other opportunities that may be helpful to you as creators. If you have suggestions that could improve our list, please let us know. Resources we are privy to can be found at our Resources page (www.talbot-heindl.com/bitchin_kitsch/resources).

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On the CoverWicked OwlAdam AndreasenIllustration markerfacebook.com/AndreasenArts

On the Back CoverComic JockDana Talbot-HeindlGraphite on paperwww.talbot-heindl.com

In This Issue2-3 Year in Review

6-7 – Where the Wheels Fell Off, Jack Phillips Lowe

Rob Hobkirk - pg. 8

table of contents.

Chris Talbot-Heindl - pg. 16

8 – Get It, Rob Hobkirk

9 – Accommodations Or, Advise for the Disingenuous, Craig Kurtz

10-11 – The Party Spokesman, Gautam Sen

12 – I Am a Terrorist, Sarah Frances Moran

18 – Peregrine Winds, Sy Roth

18 – biking incident, Danny Werachowski

19 – Privilege, Chris Roe

19 – Melancholy Thoughts Persisting Through the Night, Kristopher D. Taylor

20 – Cold Night, Ozzy Moro

21 – My Calico, Rob Hobkirk

22 – Joggle, Brian Hardie

23 – Stress, Adam Andreasen

24 - Donors and Index

Adam Andreasen - pg. 13

13 – Exhaustion, Adam Andreasen

14 – Field Trip, Hannah M. Eckles

15 – Signposts, JD DeHart

16 – CrabApple, Chris Talbot-Heindl

17 – Wanweird, Dr. Mel Waldman

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jack phillips lowe.

Where the Wheels Fell OffBy: Jack Phillips Lowe

It would have to be somebody foreign. Americans have always required a foreigner — Thomas Paine in Common Sense, Alexis de Tocqueville in Democracy in America, Charles Dickens in American Notes — to explain to us when, where and why our shit hit the fan.

This time, the job belongs to comedian Karl Pilkington. Karl, being Britain’s favorite lunkhead, is therefore just the man to dumb the issue down so that even Sarah Palin could follow along without footnotes. It would make a fine Syfy Channel travelogue — An Idiot Uproots the Idiocy in Modern America.

Picture it: Karl, traveling back in time in a steampunk contraption borrowed from Doctor Who, visits the Land of the Free in the watershed year of 1984. The program contains many telltale scenarios: Secret Service men ejecting Karl from the White House after he confronts President Reagan on Reaganomics; Karl riding on the back of Malcolm Forbes’ motorcycle; Karl narrowly escaping a lynch mob at an NRA convention in Dallas, Texas after Charlton Heston singles him out as “a shifty-eyed limey pinko.”

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jack phillips lowe (con’t).

The show’s climax, however, finds Karl standing outside of a surprisingly nondescript locale: a Sam Goody records and tapes store at the Stratford Square Mall in Bloomingdale, Illinois. There, we see that a group of teenagers has gathered to laugh and point at Karl’s orange-shaped bald head.

On the program’s soundtrack, Journey sings “Don’t Stop Believing.” After cadging some gummy bears from one of the kids, Karl turns to the camera and sums the matter up thusly: “Here’s where the wheels fell off of Uncle Sam’s gravy train. It wasn’t so much Ronald Reagan’s half-assed policies or the greedy corporate culture. They both helped, of course. It was really these bleedin’ mall rats — pissin’ about all day, eatin’ crap, wastin’ time and money on silly shit, while lettin’ serious things go to hell. In time, the mall rats got older, but they never really grew up. And now, they run the country.”

Karl frowns and spits out a gummy bear. “Fookin’ candy’s stale,” he grunts, stepping off-camera. The credits roll and the screen fades to black.

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rob hobkirk.

Get ItRob HobkirkHouse paint on burlap on panelhttp://hobkirkartblog.blogspot.com/

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craig kurtz.

AccommodationsOr, Advice for the DisingenuousBy: Craig Kurtz

The point of view is up to you,there’s many choices to peruse;stoic, nihilist, sensualist,pragmatic, pious, Socratic.Try Hegel, Nietzsche or Lacan,a side of Kierkegaard and Kant —whatever rationale you seek,some august school of thought will fit.

In life, all motives start somewhere —the stomach, loins and Id contend;there’s glory, wealth, sex and controlor, failing these, sweet old revenge.But “doing what the hell I want” seems crasswithout some valorizing clause;the trick, my friend, is to qualifyyour not-so-disinterested aims.

If it rankles your conscienceto backbite, plot or cheat outright,all this weltschemerz can be allayedby ageless sophistries, waylaid.Knives in the back — it’s relative;pig-headed graft — jesuitical;there is no metanarrative on earthcasuistry cannot improve.

Discrepancies abound amplyin tomes’ endnotes and translations;one can justify most crimeswith axioms without contextand ideologies remixedby academics and punditswho accommodate most any schemewith theorems, postulates and cant.

So! The point of view’s all yours,weltanschauung is versatile:the timeless texts in athenaeumawait your nimble apothegm.There is no stance you can’t positwith citations and a filched wit;all that counts is your defenseconfounds ethos, and common sense.

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gautam sen.

The Party SpokesmanBy: Gautam Sen

The report that a leader from my partyHas been caught on cameraKicking one of his domestic workersIs mischievousAnd wholly fabricated.What actually took placeIs this:The domestic had been attackedBy a flying objectOf considerable sizeThat had been hurled at himBy an unknown intruder,Who fled the sceneImmediately after committing the heinous act.The party leader concerned,Who was then in friendly conversationWith the domestic,Had spotted the air-borne missileAt the nick of timeAnd, to prevent it from strikingIts target, perhaps fatally,Had, with the greatest presence of mind imaginable,And an athleticism remarkable for his age,Thrust out a helpful leg which,As you will appreciate,Has a far greater reach than either of his hands,To push the domestic firmly and effectivelyOut of harm’s way.It is most unfortunate

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gautam sen (con’t).

That this graceful and thoughtful act,Which is indicativeOf an uncommon largeness of heart,Is now being construedIn the worst manner possible.While the party leader,Taking into considerationThe trauma suffered by the said domestic,And the latter’s consequent need for quiet and privacy,Has desisted from going to the police on the matter,He has, nevertheless, ensuredIncreased security protection around his house,Where the domestic also resides.I would like to take this opportunity to affirmThat the party leader in questionHas always treated his domestic workersLike members of his very own family,As his behavior in the present caseMost eloquently testifies.The entire sequence of events,Including the mysterious appearanceOf the slanderous photograph,Smacks of a well-planned conspiracy,And we strongly condemn this nefarious designTo malign our party,Whose rising popularityIs causing obvious concern and trepidationIn certain quarters.That is all I have to say on the matter,And I leave itTo the people of our great countryTo come to their own conclusions.Thank you.

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sarah frances moran.

I Am A TerroristBy: Sarah Frances Moran

It turns out that,Pat Robertson is onto me.

It turns out that,I’m a terrorist.

I have no plots to bomb anything.I don’t care how you dresswho you lovewhere you come from or to what God you say your prayers.I’m a very care-free, happy and tolerant person.

But….I’m in love with a woman.And not only am I in lovebut I want my love to be treated with the same respectanyone else’s is.

I want to hold hands in public without fearI want the right to get marriedI want my short hair to NOT be an immediate head turner in the women’s bathroom.I want my love to NOT be a valid reason for losing my job.I want my love to be free and open.I want acceptance.

Please be aware that this is an extremely militant agenda.

There is a good chance that having read this, you could all leave here lesbians.

Even the men.

I’m that radical.

When I’m done here,I’m going to head backto my Gay-cave of master plotting,so that the plan to take over the worldcan commence.

I am the lesbian Megamindand you all will be my minions.

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adam andreasen.

ExhaustionAdam AndreasenIllustration markerfacebook.com/AndreasenArts

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hannah m. eckles.

Field TripBy: Hannah M. Eckles

trash cans full with heaps of beer bottles, and empty souls.I graze my hand across the kitchen counter,where it consumes a layer of loneliness and regret.

laughter rummages through the outskirts of the cracked,shitty,tile floor.you’re unseen while I struggle with the in between,wishing I wasn’t as old as nineteen

and then I see the yellow door.my toes are light across the flooras if they’ve never took a step before.I peer in,just to see your body roll overrevealing a bruised chestwhile sweat trickles down your forehead and lands on the slight dimple in your cheek

the days have passed when you were loved by the sun,as I looked up from my swingand heard you sing, “Unlovable” by the Smiths.

Eight years gone, no wordand here I ama wanderer in your house,watching you through the yellow doorthat the sun must’ve let me in.

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SignpostsBy: JD DeHart

The princess is really a rebelbut waitthe frog is the villain.At last we know the truth.He’s got the dapper velvetlook of a nemesis, the bumpyexterior. You were thinking prince.Think not.How’s that for turning a trope?The queen has a shavedhead, the jester is the genius,the king the clod.Notice how the queen rollsin, tucked in a lacy tank,Molotov cocktail in hand.All signposts of subtle creativechange as the narrativeapproaches the end of work day,drained coffee mug, hearthwith no sparks left behind,the characters endless iterationsof the same fairy folk.

jd dehart.

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chris talbot-heindl.

CrabAppleChris Talbot-HeindlDigitally enhanced ink on paperwww.talbot-heindl.com

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dr. mel waldman.

WanweirdBy: Dr. Mel Waldman

When the world swirls away from you, old man, you spin around on the merry-g-round in your head, clutching yesterday, and yearning for lost time.

Ancient one, you live in the past, ensconced in a womb chair, that clings to you as you-to it, for only shattered memories feed your wounded spirit with sacred breaths.

No one remembers you, antediluvian man, for all who loved you sleep in the earth now. And no one loves you, you believe,for you exist only in the mirror of the past.

Who are you if your flesh is invisible, as you trudge across the deep snow, over alien streets, of your existence, inhaling the eerie miasma of unreality?

Everlasting pain eats your soul, a lovely butterfly whose papilionaceous beauty dissolves and dies each day.

Is your battered clock whirling out of control, dancing with the looming shadows of dusty death? Once, perhaps, you were as glorious as a Piaget Manchette, a gorgeous watch, magnificent and sexy and powerful with jade and diamonds. Once, perhaps, you were as lovely as a peacock’s dazzling feathers.

Resurrect yourself inside the whirligig of your broken mind.

Don’t give up, old man. Despair is the skin of wanweird, an unhappy fate. Don’t give up, beautiful old man. We are one, and I love you.

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sy roth, danny werachowski.

biking incidentby Danny Werachowski

we ran into each otheron bikes-from this angle his adam’s appleis noticeable-he asks to buya cigarette so i give it to him for free- there’s a tuft of greenbristling out the gravel-we say somethingor other -we pull down the rain in long strandspalms upunder the clouds-“sorry about the rain”as he cycles away

Peregrine WindsBy: Sy Roth

In morning mist eaten by an indolent sun,she strode in the westarms robot dancing to the plucked strings of her shamisen.

Discordant vowels, followed by non-rhyming verseswrapped in her circling ambulationfollowed along the path of her.

Round the court, porcelain figure,her getas wore tracksscraping kutani markings into the asphalt.

Wind from her flailing armskicked up.Plucked my hair into a comb-over ponytailhigh into the air.

Her peregrine winds swirled around,rajioo taisou in her mind.

Arms, cutting a counterclockwise path,whipped the wind that traveled my way.

I watched the morning,as she slipped into its folds,confines of memory.

And the windsslapped a relentless beat-box against my earsin reminiscence.

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chris roe, kristopher d. taylor.

www. ta lbot-heind l . com

PrivilegeBy: Chris Roe

Today I have eaten,Today I was able to drinkClean, uncontaminated water.Today I have a house to live inAnd a bed to sleep in,Today other membersOf my human familyStarved to death

Melancholy Thoughts Persisting Through the NightBy: Kristopher D. Taylor

I flip the bird and scream,not noticing the ironyuntil the next morning,wondering why these crowshave so much free time at night,when all the others rejoice in the quiet.

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ozzy moro.

Cold NightBy: Ozzy Moro

I sneak to get highOh so highMesmerising stars flash before my eyesThe night so beautifulOh so brightSo crisp, so coldSo full of life

I drink in publicI’ll be your entertainmentI sing, I danceI’m a stumbling comicEccentric, erraticUnpredictableJust how you like babeFor the moment, not forever

CigaretteCigarette

I love the nightI fightI’ll sing your songWith violence

I serenade strangersWith heartfelt loveI share white lines with companionsMade this night

Cocaine confidantI’ll walk you homeI’ll touch your assI’ll forget where I liveI’ll wander in wonderAgainst the windI shout at the rainI kick the wallsI’ll punch the airAnd strangle myselfWith another cigarette

The devil is slyHe plays the friendHe laughs and smilesHis arm ‘round my shoulderI wobbleI fallHe leaves me aloneTo die, I’m coldIn my own piss puddle

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rob hobkirk.

My CalicoRob HobkirkHouse paint on burlap on panelhttp://hobkirkartblog.blogspot.com/

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brian hardie.

SecondSpaceSend proposals to Steph Jones at jonesin54481@yahoo.com.

JoggleBy: Brian Hardie

from the face flowered beforemagic feels coated with candythe last view of my passion feltwhere time dealtWith the ink threatening to meltEverything I wroteShe began to remove my belt

the innocent yearsa timethe regretthe moment Realize life’s spun the shiggy thenbam. Fucking bam.

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adam andreasen.

StressAdam AndreasenIllustration marker, pen, & inkfacebook.com/AndreasenArts

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we love our donors!We love our donors, and to prove it, we’re going to let you know who they are. Without their generosity, the Bitchin’ Kitsch would probably not make it through the year. If you would like to become a donor and see your name here, email chris@talbot-heindl.com and make your pledge.

acquaintences of the bitchin’ kitsch ($1-10) - Colin Bares, Casey Bernardo, Teri Edlebeck, Stephanie Jones, Eric Krszjzaniek, Dana Lawson, Jason Loeffler, Justin Olszewski

friends of the bitchin’ kitsch ($11-50) - Charles Richard, Kenneth Spalding, Tallulah West

lovers of the bitchin’ kitsch ($51-100) - Scott Cook, Keith Talbot

partners of the bitchin’ kitsch ($101-1,000) - Felix Gardner, Jan Haskell

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demi-gods of the bitchin’ kitsch ($10,001 & up) - The Talbot-Heindl’s

artistsAndreasen, Adam cover, 13, 23DeHart, JD 15Eckles, Hannah M. 14Hardie, Brian 22Hobkirk, Rob 8, 21

donors, index.

Kurtz, Craig 9Lowe, Jack Phillips 6-7Moran, Sarah Frances 12Moro, Ozzy 20Roe, Chris 19Roth, Sy 18

Sen, Gautam 10-11Talbot-Heindl, Chris 16Talbot-Heindl, Dana 26Taylor, Kristopher D. 19Waldman, Dr. Mel 17Werachowski, Danny 18

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