the bible & relationships truth telling: how to stop lying to ourselves and others overwhelming...

The Bible & RelationshipsTruth Telling: How to Stop

Lying to Ourselves and Others

Overwhelming Biblical Evidence Against Lying:

Proverbs 6:16 There are six things the LORD hates – no, seven things he detests: 6:17haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent

Proverbs 12:22 The LORD hates those who don't keep their word, but he delights in those who do.

Proverbs 12:19 Truth stands the test of time; lies are soon exposed

Proverbs 20:17 Stolen bread tastes sweet, but it turns to gravel in the mouth.

Proverbs 21:6 Wealth created by lying is a vanishing mist and a deadly trap.

Rev. 21:7 All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

Rev. 21:8 But cowards who turn away from me, and unbelievers, and the corrupt, and murderers, and the immoral, and those who practice witchcraft, and idol worshipers, and all liars – their doom is in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur. This is the second death.”



What we see from these few texts is that we must not play fast and loose with this issue as though it were a matter of indifference to God whether we tell the truth or not. There is some kind of connection between the practice of lying and the condition of the heart that makes Biblical writers certain that those who practice lying in their ordinary lives are outside the scope of salvation.

John Piper



Research suggests that some children are capable of lying in a deliberate attempt to deceive by age four, and perhaps even earlier.

There may be a few behavioral clues that suggest deceit. Sometimes a clue can be found in what the person says (e.g., the story is too farfetched or inconsistent). Other times you may find a clue in what is not said (e.g., a look of guilt or fear, too much excitement in the telling of the story, or an overly calm telling of what should be an emotional event). However, as children get older they get better at disguising these little signs.

Further, research indicates that most people are fooled by most lies. It is unlikely that parents will consistently know that their child is lying just by watching him or her closely. You can only be absolutely certain that your child is lying if he or she tells you so, or you happen to discover the truth on your own.



There is a correlation between social popularity and

deceptive skill.

Research shows that liars are often better able to get jobs and attract members of the opposite sex into relationships. Other research demonstrated that the adolescents who are most popular in their schools are also better at fooling their peers. Lying continues to work. Although it would be self-defeating to lie all the time (remember the fate of the boy who cried, "Wolf!"), lying often and well remains a passport to social, professional and economic success.



UMass Research showed: most people lie in everyday conversation when they are trying to appear likeable and competent

people lied at least once in a 10 minute conversation- telling an average of 2-3 lies

men and women told the same amount of lies

women lie by making the person they are talking to feel good

men lie most often to make themselves look better

leading researchers to conclude: “People tell a considerable number of lies in everyday

conversation. It was a very surprising result. We didn’t expect lying to be such a common

part of everyday life”



Go to a movie, and odds are that the plot will revolve around

deceit in some shape or form. Perhaps we find such stories so

enthralling because lying pervades human life. Lying is a

skill that wells up from deep within us, and we use it with

abandon. As the great American observer Mark Twain wrote more than a century ago: "Everybody

lies ... every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in

his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands,

his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception." Deceit is fundamental to the human

condition.



Lies are like a fog in relationships…



Truth blows away the fog and clears distortions...



Ephesians 4:17-27 (17) With the Lord's authority let me say this: Live no

longer as the ungodly do, for they are hopelessly confused. (18) Their closed minds are full of darkness; they are far away from the life of God because they have shut their minds and hardened their hearts against him. (19) They don't care anymore about right and wrong, and they have given themselves over to immoral ways. Their lives are filled with all kinds of impurity and greed.

(20) But that isn't what you were taught when you learned about Christ. (21) Since you have heard all about him and have learned the truth that is in Jesus, (22) throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. (23) Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. (24) You must display a new nature because you are a new person, created in God's likeness – righteous, holy, and true.

(25) So put away all falsehood and "tell your neighbor the truth" because we belong to each other. (26) And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, (27) for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil.



What is a Lie? A Lack of integrity

Lying undermines the liar's assessment of his own integrity. Its damages the speaker in that he looks at those he has lied to with a new caution; and if the lie is known he may lose the confidence of his peers. Lying thus creates emotional and physical tension that is detrimental to liars' health. Paradoxically, also, once his word is no longer trusted, he will be left with greatly decreased power -- even though a lie often does bring at least a short-term gain in power over those deceived.”

"Every violation of truth is not only a sort of suicide in the liar, but is a stab at the health of human society."

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-82), U.S. essayist, poet, philosopher.



What is a Lie?

1. A falsehood uttered or acted for the purpose of deception; an intentional violation of truth; an untruth spoken with the intention to deceive.

The proper notion of a lie is an endeavoring to deceive another by signifying that to him as true, which we ourselves think not to be so.

--S. Clarke.

It is willful deceit that makes a lie. --A. Paley.

2. A fiction; a fable; an untruth. --Dryden.

3. Anything which misleads or disappoints.



"When a person cannot deceive himself," Mark Twain wrote, "the chances are against his being able to deceive other people."

Self-deception is advantageous because it helps us lie to others more convincingly. Concealing the truth from ourselves conceals it from others. So, why do we lie?



I. Why Do We Lie?

A. Humanity/”Old Nature” Breeds Self-Deception

(Eph. 4:22, 25; Jer.17:9; John 13:9; Mt.12:34)

1. Deceitful Desires (Eph.4:25)

a. desire to look good: fear of losing esteem/not looking good (Mt. 21:23-27)

b. desire for physical safety/getting hurt (Mt. 21:23-27)

c. greed for money (Ananias & Sapphira)

d. greed for power - position- approval

2. Ranking of Sins/White Lie Syndrome

3. Cognitive Distortions & Defenses



Lies to the Self: Cognitive Distortions & Defenses

1. All-or-nothing thinking

2. Overgeneralization

3. Disqualifying the positive

4. Jumping to conclusions

5. Mind reading.

6. The Fortune Teller Error

7. Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization

8. Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser."

9. Personalization

10. Denial

11. Rationalization

12. Intellectualization



Misbeliefs Fuel Lies I must be liked by everyone I must be accepted & approved My needs/wants are not as

important as other people’s rejection is terrible I must please others I will die of shame I cannot change anger is bad if I am a good

christian I must get what I want in order to

be happy others?



I. Why Do We Lie?

B. Shut off Minds & Hardened Hearts (Eph.4:18)

C. Trained from an early age

D. Fear the reaction anger used against me

E. Because it worksAs humans, we must fit into a close-knit social system to succeed, yet our primary aim is still to look out for ourselves above all others. Lying helps. And lying to ourselves--a talent built into our brains--helps us accept our fraudulent behavior.



II. How Do We Lie? Run & hide - fear of

intimacy or vulnerability - avoid

Blatant falsehood Misleading Tell what suits our

purpose Wearing “masks” of who

we are Distortions-

Exaggerations - stories Cover up our

shortcomings



III. How to Stop Lying:A. Admit we need change

and are powerless over our sinful nature

B. Turn to God- prayer for wisdom & insight to your own self-deception

C. Renew your mind- transform your thinking God is the God of truth, and those

who have His nature speak the truth. Lying lips are an abomination to Him (Proverbs 12:22). He hates a lying

tongue (Proverbs 6:16-19).

D. Live in Community- share the problem- be accountable (Eph.4:25… “For we are…”)



III. How to Stop Lying:E. Speak the truth- action-

make changes in our lives (Eph.4:25)

F. Be loving and graceful (I Cor. 10:32)

what does it mean?1. Not corrupt words but

edifying (Eph.4:29)2. put away anger & be kind

(Eph.4:31-32)3. Be gentle (Prov. 16:24; Gal.

6:1)4. Have timing (Prov.

25:11;15:23)

G. Practice- Practice- Practice



Loving Speech Includes:

no put downs rewards others admits faults edify be kind be gentle avoids anger is patient - long-suffering



IV. How to Help Another Person Stop Lying:

A. Speak the truth - be honest

B. Speak in love & grace Ephesians 4:15 holds the key to effective communication: “speaking the truth in love”

C. Turn to God- prayer for wisdom & insight to help

D. Live a truthful exampleE. Be a safe person - Make it

easier for them to tell the truth (igloo of trust)



IV. How to Help Another Person Stop Lying:

F. Don’t set up failure by asking or demanding what you already know

G. Apologize for your wrongdoing

H. Praise truth-tellingI. Don’t accuseJ. Love the person

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