the benefit of farting book excerpt

8/8/2019 The Benefit of Farting BOOK Excerpt

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The Benet o Farting

Explained

by

Jonathan Switand

An Essay upon Wind

by

Charles James Fox

ONEWORLD

CLASSICS


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oneworld classics ltd

London House

243-253 Lower Mortlake Road

Richmond

Surrey TW9 2LL

United Kingdom

www.oneworldclassics.com

First published by Oneworld Classics Limited in 2007

Printed in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Corwall

isbn-13: 978-1-84749-031-5

isbn-10: 1-84749-031-X

All rights reserved. No part o this publication may be reproduced,

stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in

any orm or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,

recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission o

the publisher. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall

not be resold, lent, hired out or otherwise circulated without the

express prior consent o the publisher.

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governmental organization dedicated to promoting responsible

management o the worlds orests. FSC operates a system oorest certication and product labelling that allows consumers

to identiy wood and wood-based products rom well-managed

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website at www.sc-uk.org.


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Contents

An Essay upon Wind (Charles James Fox) 3

Dedicatory Letter to the Lord Chancellor 5

The Authors Anticipation 7

An Essay upon Farting 9

Postscript 23

Aterthoughts upon Farting 27

The Benet o Farting Explained (Jonathan Swit) 53

A Certifcate rom the Court o the Princess Arsemini 57

Postscript by Way o Preace 59

On Miss V***es F***t, in the Philippic Style 63

The Beneft o Farting Explained 65Meditation on a T***d, Written in a Place o Ease 79

Arse Musica (Anonymous) 83

Notes 103

Biographical Notes 109

Note on the Texts 115


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The Benet o Farting


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An Essay upon Windby Charles James Fox

with

Curious Anecdotes

oEminent Pteurs

Humbly dedicated to the Lord Chancellor

Perhaps such writing ought to be conned

In mere good breeding, like unsavry wind.Were reading orced, I should be apt to think,

Men might no more write scurvily than stink:

But tis your choice whether youll read or no;

I, likewise o your smelling, it were so,

Id art, just as I write, or my own ease,

Nor should you be concerned unless you please.

Wilmot

Creditur ex medio quia res,

Arcessit habere sudoris minimum.1

Horace


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5

To the

Lord Chancellor

My dear Lord,

I take the liberty o dedicating the ollowing

eccentric work to Your Lordship, as a man emi-

nently superior to the prejudices o the world. Asyou are one o the rst subjects in His Majestys

dominions, so you set the most noble and worthy

example to your ellow subjects.

I have heard, rom several o your brother

peers, that Your Lordship arts, without reserve,when seated upon the woolsack, in a ull assem-

bly o nobles. This is honest and impartial in

Your Lordship, and you merit the thanks o the

nation at large, especially the democratic party,

or making no more distinction between theproud body o hereditary representatives than

Your Lordship ormerly did beore the plebeians

in a ull court o judicature at a country assize.


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6

the benefit of farting

Now this is manly I admire great Nature in

all her operations, and detest the wretchedaected being who would check or counteract

her in any o her sublime and beautiul works.

Fame, my Lord, with her shrill loud trumpet,

reports that Your Lordships arts are as strong,

and as sound, as your arguments as vigorousas your intellects as forcible as your language

as brilliant as your wit and as sonorous and

musical as Your Lordships voice.

May Your Lordship continue to art like an ancientGrecian or many years, is the sincere wish o

Your Lordships

very devoted

humble servant,

the author


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7

The Authors

Anticipation

I think I hear the curious reader exclaim,

Heavens! That the brain o man should be set to

work upon such cursed nonsense such damned

low stu as arting; he ought to be ashamed ostraining his dull aculties to such a nasty, absurd

subject. But to print his thoughts upon arting,

and to dedicate his dirty lucubrations to the Lord

Chancellor, is the height o all human impudence

and olly. It may be so, gentle reader, but I amso hardened and incorrigible that I dont care a

rush or thy opinion but beore we part, I will

tell thee a secret: know then, that the ollowing

singular essay was written, and published, or a

considerable wager, so I value not thy criticism I have won my wager.

Nos haec novimus esse nihil.2


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9

An Essay upon Farting

in a LetterTo the Secretary o the Agricultural and

Philosophical Societies in ***.

Montreuil, 22nd Dec. 1783

My dear Secretary,This is in compliance with your request

o the ourteenth instant that i I met with

anything ingenious or philosophical, I would

communicate it to you. I you should think the

ollowing subject worth your attention, and thatyou can improve and conrm it by philosophical

experiments, I shall be happy in thinking my

time extremely well bestowed in thus urnishing

you with my thoughts on a subject useul and

entertaining; a subject, my worthy Secretary, ogreat consequence and importance to all man-

kind, and which I am sorry to say hath hitherto

been considered in a too general, loose and light


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a manner. I was unortunately led to these useul

refections upon reading a certain author whoin the most positive style asserted, with much

pompous gravity, that a art weighed a grain and

a quarter exactly, but what intelligent man will

be led away by such impertinent, arbitrary and

alse conclusions! For mysel, I am determinednot to be guided by the conjectures and loose

opinions o such vain writers, who by their

shallow and trite remarks greatly degrade the

true depth and dignity o writing. Nothing

surely is so unair and uncandid in any writeras to endeavour to mislead our judgement, and I

think it is the duty o every honest man to detect

and expose the allacies o such pretenders to wit

and learning. I have thereore taken the liberty

(as a man honestly zealous to detect error, andat the same time proessedly open to conviction)

to consider and judge o this subject in the ol-

lowing manner.


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I take it there are ve or six dierent species

o arts, and which are perectly distinct romeach other, both in weight and smell.

First,the sonorous and ull-toned, or rousing art;

Second,the double art;

Third,the sot fzzing art;

Fourth, the wet art;And th,the sullen wind-bound art.

Now, nothing can be plainer, to the most

common understanding, than that the exact

weight o all these distinct nature o arts must

necessarily vary rom each other, as much as thedierent weights o air which issue rom diverse

instruments by dierent perormers rom var-

ious causes o repletion.

This I take to be undamentally true there-

ore to judge so hastily upon such a nice anddelicate point is arrogance itsel, and an insult

to our understandings, as it tends to conound

and lump in one general mass all species o arts


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whatsoever, without in the least considering

the nature, texture, ormation and eature, andthe various causes operating upon the said arts;

thereore, I say, this positive author betrays a

very nasty disposition; it is, indeed, replete with

sound, but then it is mere wind, and by no

means a sound and ull-toned argument; it laysdown one general rule, liable to no exceptions,

neither as to the age, strength or ood o such

arters: or example, suppose an experiment was

methodically tried to produce the dierent arts

as I have classed them I am not inallible, but Ihumbly propose the ollowing eorts to produce

them, and have little doubt but that they may be

happily and satisactorily procured.

For art no. 1 let a person o a sound,

strong and healthy constitution eat one poundo cow heel, a pound and a hal o tripe, and

two pounds o bee steaks, and let the arter

elect quietly wait the digestion, and you will


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nd him make a pretty vigorous exertion o

his noble arting aculties, and in all probabilityhe will produce the good, sonorous, ull-toned

art and i it is o the true kind, without any

oensive smell, except indeed to those who have

not been much used to arting, or who have

an extreme nervous irritability upon the nasalaculties.

Now or the experiment upon art no. 2 let

a healthy person, ater much exercise, eat one

quart o strong pea soup, one pound o ried on-

ions and two pounds o ried bee and cabbage,and, most probably, he will soon entertain you

with the double art in rapid successions.

For art no. 3 let a person o rather a relaxed

constitution eat about nine dozen o boiled on-

ions and drink three quarts o strong, thicknew ale, and he will delight you with plenty o

sot zzing arts. This art hath the advantage

o stinking better than any other or, as some


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authors have it, o stinking intolerably and

conoundedly.Fart no. 4 commonly called the wet art,

is very easily procured. Let any person, ond o

overeating, cram himsel with pies, custards,

whip syllabub, prunes, etc., etc., and he will do

his business with eectual dispatch, so as to needan immediate washing. Ladies produce this spe-

cies o art better than gentlemen, so that it is

advisable to try this experiment upon a strong

healthy young lady o about eighteen, and who

is very apt to be hungry.As to art no. 5 which I have emphatically

denominated the sullen wind-bound art, it is

the most uncomortable, unhealthy and trouble-

some o all arts whatever that have been yet

discovered, as it comes slowly orth, with a pain-ul sensation and sudden rumbling, like to pent-

up air in a volcano, which sometimes produces

earthquakes and horrible shakes o the earth


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rom not having a ree and open passage or

the gas or phlogistic air to escape. Those whoare unhappy as to issue such arts rom their

unwholesome premises are really patients; they

cannot be well with such a plenitude o impure

and oul air pent up in every cavity o their

volcano. However, this produces the sullen art,issuing slowly, and mournully murmuring at

long and stated intervals; medicinal assistance

is here necessary. As I have oten suered in

this case mysel (particularly last week, when, in

a sleepless night, I thought o penning this use-ul essay), I think I may, with some condence,

take the liberty o saying to what I attribute the

arting malady and, as a benevolent man always

ready to assist my ellow creatures, and being a

sincere riend to ease and liberty, I shall at thesame time point out the cause.

The sullen wind-bound arises rom various

causes o repletion: indigestions rom overeating

the benefit of farting book excerpt

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