The Assignment

• Your boss, Senator Elaine Mandel, is a member of the State Senate Committee on the Judiciary. The Committee will shortly consider the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act, which states that “Any person who lives in the same household as a minor and who possesses a handgun shall store the handgun unloaded and in a locked container.” Please write a short memo advising the Senator whether she should vote for the law.

The Child Firearms Safety Act as currently written is a well intentioned piece of legislation which will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act as currently written is a well intentioned piece of legislation which will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act as currently written is a well intentioned piece of legislation law which will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

What excess words are there in this sentence?

The Child Firearms Safety Act is a well intentioned law which will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act is a well intentioned law which will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

What part of this is really helpful to the reader?

The Child Firearms Safety Act will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

Is this the way real people talk?

The Child Firearms Safety Act will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

Can you identify the redundancy in these two sentences?

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year.

[replace with:]

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless some critical modifications are made.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless some critical modifications are made. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless some critical modifications are made. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

Can you remove some legalese from this sentence?

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless some critical modifications are made it is changed. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is changed. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is changed. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is changed. These modifications should include: compelling to compel either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense. Can you identify some

more redundancy on this page?

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is changed to compel either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

1

2

3

Inadequate parallelism: 1, 2, 3

Now that the excess has been removed, we can see some grammatical errors and other problems

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is changed to compel either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.modified to cover long guns, to treat violations as felonies, and to allow guns to be kept in a locked container or unloaded.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is modified to cover long guns, to treat violations as felonies, and to allow guns to be kept in a locked container or unloaded.

The Child Firearms Safety Act as currently written is a well intentioned piece of legislation law which will likely have little effect on the incidence of minors accidentally killed by handguns. However, with some critical modifications the act could play a significant role in lowering the number of minors lost to handgun accidents each year. These modifications should include: compelling either that the gun be kept in a locked container or unloaded; the inclusion of long guns in the Act; and making violation of the Act a felony offense.

The Child Firearms Safety Act will probably do little to protect minors from fatal handgun accidents unless it is modified to cover long guns, to treat violations as felonies, and to allow guns to be kept in a locked container or unloaded.

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act (the ‘bill’) is an inconsequential piece of legislation. Aside from the significant political impact of the bill, it carries little weight and makes little difference. Despite public misconceptions, the few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in the number of childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion and loss of civil liberties. Therefore, unless some strong amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose the bill.

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act (the ‘bill’) is an inconsequential piece of legislation.

What, really, does this say?

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act would be ineffective.

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act (the ‘bill’) is an inconsequential piece of legislation.

What, really, does this say?

word choice

legaleseobvious

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act (the ‘bill’) is an inconsequential piece of legislation.

What, really, does this say?

Aside from the significant political impact of the bill, it carries little weight and makes little difference.

What, really, does this say?

It will do little good.

throat-clearing/unhelpfulsubstance

word choicerepetitive

Aside from the significant political impact of the bill, it carries little weight and makes little difference.

What, really, does this say?

Despite public misconceptions, the few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in the number of childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion and loss of civil liberties.

What, really, does this say?

1

1. Throat-clearing.

2

2. Not really necessary.

3

3. Vague/possibly redundant.

Despite public misconceptions, the few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in the number of childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion and loss of civil liberties.

What, really, does this say?The few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

Therefore, unless some strong amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose the bill.

What, really, does this say?

Therefore, unless some amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose it.

word choicerepeated phrase

Therefore, unless some strong amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose the bill.

What, really, does this say?

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act would be ineffective. It will do little good. The few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion. Therefore, unless some amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose it.

1

2 3

4

1, 2, and 4 all say the law is bad; 3 explains why it’s bad – lots of redundancy here.

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act would be ineffective. It will do little good. The few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion. Therefore, unless some amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose it.

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. Its few benefits, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. Its few benefits, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

Focuses on abstractions

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. Its few benefits, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

rather than the concrete things to which the abstractions refer,

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. Its few benefits, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

and “inaccessibility of guns” is itself abstract—the real problem isn’t inaccessibility, but interference with self-defense.

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. Its few benefits, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. Its few benefits, notably the probable slight decrease in childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion.

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. The Act will probably only slightly decrease childhood gun accidents, but is likely to make it substantially harder for people to defend themselves and their children against criminals.

The proposed Child Firearms Safety Act (the ‘bill’) is an inconsequential piece of legislation. Aside from the significant political impact of the bill, it carries little weight and makes little difference. Despite public misconceptions, the few benefits of the bill, notably the probable slight decrease in the number of childhood gun accidents, do not exceed the drawbacks, such as the inaccessibility of guns during a home invasion and loss of civil liberties. Therefore, unless some strong amendments are made to the bill, I recommend that you oppose the bill.

I recommend that you oppose the proposed Child Firearms Safety Act. The Act will probably only slightly decrease childhood gun accidents, but is likely to make it substantially harder for people to defend themselves and their children against criminals.