The Art of Midlife: The Art of Midlife: Myths & New RealitiesMyths & New Realities

Nancy McCaugheyNancy McCaughey

Hudson Institute Coaching CertificationHudson Institute Coaching Certification

June 2003June 2003

Why Midlife?Why Midlife?

My specializationMy specialization The original ideaThe original idea Turning 50 Turning 50 More questions than answers…More questions than answers…

Previous Paradigms Previous Paradigms

““Contemporary” concepts of adult Contemporary” concepts of adult development date from 50 years agodevelopment date from 50 years ago

Jung - 40 “the turning point” to old Jung - 40 “the turning point” to old ageage

Erickson - developmental tasks Erickson - developmental tasks Levinson - development by decadesLevinson - development by decades

Realities of Midlife in the 21Realities of Midlife in the 21stst Century Century

Three reasons why midlife is not what it Three reasons why midlife is not what it used to be:used to be:

1.1. ““Permanent Whitewater”Permanent Whitewater”

2.2. Longer life expectancy Longer life expectancy

3.3. By 2004, 76 million Baby Boomers By 2004, 76 million Baby Boomers will be 40+will be 40+

Who Would I Ask?Who Would I Ask?

Anyone between 38-65 Anyone between 38-65 Self-defined in midlifeSelf-defined in midlife SourcesSources Final group: 20 women & 3 men Final group: 20 women & 3 men Eight in 40sEight in 40s Eleven in 50sEleven in 50s Four in 60sFour in 60s

InterviewsInterviews

10 Questions (past, present, future)10 Questions (past, present, future) Conducted by phone or in personConducted by phone or in person Average 30-40 minutesAverage 30-40 minutes Recorded Results: transcribed, Recorded Results: transcribed,

formatted, talliedformatted, tallied

Ten Questions About Ten Questions About MidlifeMidlife

What is your definition of midlife? (theory)What is your definition of midlife? (theory) When did your midlife begin and how did When did your midlife begin and how did

you know? (reality)you know? (reality) What have been the most significant What have been the most significant

changes?changes? What was it like for you? What helped? What was it like for you? What helped?

What got in the way? What did you learn?What got in the way? What did you learn? How does midlife differ from your 20s and How does midlife differ from your 20s and

30s?30s?

Ten Questions About Ten Questions About MidlifeMidlife

Where would you say you are in Where would you say you are in midlife? Are you in transition?midlife? Are you in transition?

What is the best thing about midlife? What is the best thing about midlife? What would you change?What would you change?

If you were to give this time in If you were to give this time in midlife a name, what would it be?midlife a name, what would it be?

Ten Questions About Ten Questions About MidlifeMidlife

When will midlife be over and how When will midlife be over and how will you know?will you know?

What are three qualities you want to What are three qualities you want to possess by the time your midlife is possess by the time your midlife is over?over?

Myth #1Myth #1

You know you are in You know you are in midlife when you turn midlife when you turn

the big 4-0!the big 4-0!

Reality: Midlife Is More Than Reality: Midlife Is More Than An AgeAn Age

Only 13% - AGE ONLY Only 13% - AGE ONLY 39% - OTHER INDICATORS ONLY39% - OTHER INDICATORS ONLY 48% - BOTH AGE & INDICATORS48% - BOTH AGE & INDICATORS

Internal - reflection time, new world, Internal - reflection time, new world, values changingvalues changing

External - kids gone, physical External - kids gone, physical changes, retirement changes, retirement

First Question: “What is your definition First Question: “What is your definition of midlife?”of midlife?”

Ages of MidlifeAges of Midlife

Theoretical Theoretical Definition:Definition:

61% did give an 61% did give an age or time as age or time as their definition their definition

7% in 30s7% in 30s 79% in 40s or 79% in 40s or

“midway”“midway” 14% in 50s14% in 50s

Their Reality:Their Reality: 100% gave an age 100% gave an age

when midlife when midlife beganbegan

7% in 30s7% in 30s 58% in 40s58% in 40s 35% in 50s (mostly 35% in 50s (mostly

50-somethings)50-somethings)

Midlife Is More Than An Midlife Is More Than An AgeAge

How did you know your midlife began?:How did you know your midlife began?: 64% external indicators: career, 64% external indicators: career,

physical changes, kids physical changes, kids leaving/recouplingleaving/recoupling

36% internal indicators: time to think, 36% internal indicators: time to think, new stage, ability to say no.new stage, ability to say no.

Only 4 of 20 women mentioned menopause Only 4 of 20 women mentioned menopause – never the only trigger– never the only trigger

Most of those married rated their Most of those married rated their relationship “best” in midliferelationship “best” in midlife

Myth #2Myth #2

Midlife is just another Midlife is just another

transition.transition.

New Reality: Midlife Is New Reality: Midlife Is DifferentDifferent

““We are unprepared for the We are unprepared for the afternoon of our lives” – Carl afternoon of our lives” – Carl

JungJung

Not easier or more difficult than Not easier or more difficult than the 20s-30s the 20s-30s 1 to 8 significant external and 1 to 8 significant external and internal changes (often at same internal changes (often at same time) within 10 yearstime) within 10 years

Myth #3Myth #3

When you hit your 40s When you hit your 40s expect a “midlife crisis”expect a “midlife crisis”

“ “crisis of confidence or identity crisis of confidence or identity occurring in midlife, characterized by occurring in midlife, characterized by the feeling that one is growing old or the feeling that one is growing old or that life is passing one by.”that life is passing one by.”

New Reality:New Reality:Midlife Crisis No Longer Midlife Crisis No Longer

ExistsExists““Give up on a stable view of things. Give up on a stable view of things.

The view depends on where you The view depends on where you are.” - William Bridgesare.” - William Bridges

Old model: More stability with ageOld model: More stability with age New model: More than half of each New model: More than half of each

decade group were “in transition”decade group were “in transition” Harder to discernHarder to discern

Midlife Crisis No Longer Midlife Crisis No Longer ExistsExists

““Midlife is really the best place to be.” Midlife is really the best place to be.” - Orville Brim, PhD, director of MIDMAC study- Orville Brim, PhD, director of MIDMAC study

MacArthur Foundation’s MacArthur Foundation’s Successful Midlife DevelopmentSuccessful Midlife Development studystudy

More stressors, but better More stressors, but better equipped in midlifeequipped in midlife

Midlife Crisis No Longer Midlife Crisis No Longer ExistsExists

““The way we describe our lives and The way we describe our lives and understand understand

them is ultimately and inextricably them is ultimately and inextricably connected to the way we live them.” connected to the way we live them.”

- Mandy Aftel- Mandy Aftel

Midlife Crisis No Longer Midlife Crisis No Longer ExistsExists

When asked what midlife was like:When asked what midlife was like: ConfusingConfusing Roller CoasterRoller Coaster Scary & So RightScary & So Right Feeling EmpoweredFeeling Empowered Slow & SteadySlow & Steady Deeply Personal Deeply Personal Fear of the UnknownFear of the Unknown

Midlife Crisis No Longer Midlife Crisis No Longer ExistsExists

Rebirthing Myself Rebirthing Myself Spring Cleaning Spring Cleaning Yahoo!Yahoo! Heavenly Heavenly The LiberationThe Liberation The Train Goes OnThe Train Goes On Engaged PeriodEngaged Period EvolvingEvolving

Myth #4Myth #4

Just grin and bear it. It’ll Just grin and bear it. It’ll pass.pass.

What helped?What helped?#1 spirituality#1 spirituality#2 relationships and family #2 relationships and family #3 friends#3 friendsWhat didn’t help?What didn’t help? Negative self talk Negative self talk FearFear Old beliefs and patterns Old beliefs and patterns Not forgiving Not forgiving Friends who didn’t support my change Friends who didn’t support my change FinancesFinances

New Reality: New Reality: There Are No Role ModelsThere Are No Role Models

There Are No Role ModelsThere Are No Role Models

What did they learn?What did they learn?

Take care of myself, relaxTake care of myself, relax I am smarter than I thinkI am smarter than I think I know I am valuableI know I am valuable Don’t be afraid – just do it!Don’t be afraid – just do it! I can create itI can create it OK not to be perfectOK not to be perfect It’s healthy to laugh and have funIt’s healthy to laugh and have fun What’s important is who I am, not what I doWhat’s important is who I am, not what I do

Myth #5Myth #5

You know you’ve “made You know you’ve “made it”it”

by your status, by your status, accumulations, accumulations,

and bank balance.and bank balance.

New Reality: New Meaning for New Reality: New Meaning for Success Success

Top 3 Best Parts – Relationships, family, spiritual Top 3 Best Parts – Relationships, family, spiritual lifelife

Top 3 Changes - More time to relax, purposive Top 3 Changes - More time to relax, purposive work, simpler & gracious home environment work, simpler & gracious home environment

$ only for more security$ only for more security

““This (health, diet, exercise) is an important This (health, diet, exercise) is an important focus focus

for the next 20 years so they will be a quality for the next 20 years so they will be a quality 20 years, 20 years,

if I get 20 years”if I get 20 years”

Myth #6Myth #6

When midlife is over, it’s When midlife is over, it’s all downhill after that!all downhill after that!

New Reality: Midlife Isn’t New Reality: Midlife Isn’t Over YetOver Yet

Where are you now?Where are you now? 40s- most said “in the beginning”40s- most said “in the beginning” 50s and 60s – most said still “in the 50s and 60s – most said still “in the

middle”middle” Only one said, “Toward the end.”Only one said, “Toward the end.”When will it be over?When will it be over? 41% - Over by 60 41% - Over by 60 47% - Over by 60s or 70s 47% - Over by 60s or 70s 12% - Over by 80s12% - Over by 80s

Midlife Isn’t Over YetMidlife Isn’t Over Yet

How will you know?How will you know? Objective indicators: decline of Objective indicators: decline of

health, physical changes and health, physical changes and retirementretirement

Subjective indicators: when it Subjective indicators: when it happens, more back than forward, happens, more back than forward, the autumn or winter of lifethe autumn or winter of life

Midlife Isn’t Over YetMidlife Isn’t Over Yet

What three qualities do you want to What three qualities do you want to possess after midlife?possess after midlife?

#1 Loving#1 Loving#2 Compassionate#2 Compassionate# 3 Passion# 3 Passion#4 Wise#4 Wise# 5 Peaceful# 5 Peaceful#6 Joyful#6 Joyful

Conclusion: Midlife Is An Conclusion: Midlife Is An ArtArt

““Life can only be understood backwards; but Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”it must be lived forwards.” Kierkegaard Kierkegaard

No simple definition or timing for midlife No simple definition or timing for midlife ““Becoming period” - between doing and Becoming period” - between doing and

beingbeing Each person’s story is a different painting Each person’s story is a different painting No formula for success – value comes from No formula for success – value comes from

what’s learned and sharedwhat’s learned and shared

What’s Important for What’s Important for CoachingCoaching

Give up assumptions Give up assumptions We’re valuable resourcesWe’re valuable resources Holistic coaching is essentialHolistic coaching is essential Midlife clients mean longer agreementsMidlife clients mean longer agreements Help clients write their own definition of Help clients write their own definition of

success success Help clients embrace the opportunity of midlifeHelp clients embrace the opportunity of midlife Huge market and resource for repeat bus & Huge market and resource for repeat bus &

referralsreferrals Interviewing is a great way to create a nicheInterviewing is a great way to create a niche

Personal Lessons About Personal Lessons About MidlifeMidlife

Just the beginningJust the beginning What I’ve learned What I’ve learned

for my own lifefor my own life A great time to be A great time to be

alive & turning 50!alive & turning 50!