The "Bait and Switch:" When Your Partner Changes After You Marry

After two-plus years of blogging about marriage, it's time for a true confession about mine. Here it is:There are moments when I look across the dinner table and think, "Who are you and what did you do with my spouse?"

These thoughts have come on slowly, as a gradual awareness about something he's now doing or not doing. The beliefs also happened quite suddenly, as occurred recently when he said he wanted to buy a juicer. Having worked with couples for so many years, I would bet I'm not alone and you've had these thoughts too.

Definition; We call this type of behavior “the bait and switch.” It would be described as behavior that your now spouse either portrayed or promised you before marriage. Then after you got married, your mate stopped the behavior and never kept to their promises.

When your partner changes, it raises concerns and feelings of insecurity depending on how mild or extreme the changes are. And when the changes you're observing aren't to your liking, it can throw you and your marriage into a tailspin. One of the biggest fears about marriage is one's partner changing after the rings are on and how not being able to predict these changes can be frightening. "But it doesn't have to.” Let's take a look at what might be happening and how to deal with it.

Possible Reasons for the "Bait and Switch" Syndrome

A. Change in Circumstance

What caused your spouse to change? Certain circumstances will cause a change in many marriages. If your spouse used to be a party animal and stayed out all night at the bar but is now heading to bed at 8:30 PM in order to get up and go to work before sun-up, this doesn't necessarily mean they've changed. It means the situation has changed and your partner has adjusted accordingly. If you miss the fun times, talk about going out on the weekends.

When your partner changes, you should try changing along with him. You can still have just as much fun when your partner changes in this way. It’s a chance for you to get creative and talk to your spouse about meeting him for lunch dates occasionally during the week or other date ideas. Remember to be understanding of the situation that caused your partner to make adjustments and work with him.

B. When Your Partner Changes from Growing-Up

Your spouse is growing up. Marriage has a way of forcing (I mean "asking") us to mature and re-order our priorities. Keep in mind that every marriage goes through similar changes. When your partner changes after marriage, it’s a normal expectation. The world is constantly changing every day as we grow older. You’ll see this reflected in our workplaces, business world, in our gardens, our children and so much more. Why would we expect anything different from our mates?

It would be unreasonable to think our spouse would stay the same after marriage. When your partner changes, maturity and change is a good thing. You want to welcome the change and grow with your spouse as one unit. As long as your partner is not abusing you physically and emotionally, you want to work with your spouse when your partner changes by embracing it.

C. Expectations of Your Partner

You had unreasonable expectations to begin with (or overlooked a fault). Everyone puts their best foot (and face) forward during the dating phase. Is it possible that you expected something wonderful to continue that simply couldn't be sustained? If you're thinking, "He used to be so patient and put up with everything I threw at him," this is a sign you might be off base. No one can be endlessly, tirelessly patient. In fact, many clients tell me something to the effect of, "Well, his sisters tried to warn me but I wasn't seeing it so I didn't listen to them."

Instead of reacting negatively to the behaviors you don’t like, when your partner changes, try to appreciate when he does behaviors you like and let him know. This positive reinforcement will encourage the liked behaviors and you’ll see it done more from your mate. Have realistic expectations and learn to communicate desires you like to see in your spouse in a way that won’t offend him.

(If adapting to your spouse’s changes are too much work, check out my prior article; OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID: My Marriage is Too Much Work)

D. The Complacent Stage

You've gotten complacent. Now you're wondering, "What do you mean, “You've”? We're talking about my spouse!" True, but I say “You've” because rarely does this happen on just one side of the equation. Thus, the accusation that many women "let themselves go" after marriage. While exciting, the dating phase can also be exhausting (and expensive!), and it's rare that a couple can keep up that pace after marriage in the midst of life's demands.

When you partner changes be more understanding and empathetic with ways in which your mate is not the same anymore. Put yourself in his shoes. As you grow older, accept that you both will see many changes with each other that may not be as attractive as before you married. This is normal and a phase that every marriage will go through.

E. Reality of Your Spouse’s Changes

Your mate really has changed. Marriage brings out the best and worst in us, and when you see the worst in ways you didn't see when you were dating, it can be alarming. But this is where communication, compassion, caring, and commitment come in. Isn't that why you married? - - so you would know your spouse would always be by your side, no matter what? They deserve that same level of commitment from you. If you determine this is what has happened, a heart-to-heart is in order with your spouse.

Changes in our spouse is normal to see after marriage. Life is ever changing; we change and so will our spouses. The changes we see in our mate doesn’t have to be concerning. When your partner changes, it’s best to welcome the change positively and work with our partners to make any adjustments. Remember, your spouse will see changes in you too, so always try to work things out with your mate in a way that you would want your partner to do with you. When doing so, you can gain a lifelong partner for you and your children who will be there for you no matter what you both face in life.

Do you see unlikeable changes in your spouse and need help with navigating the change to maintain your marriage? We are here for you. We successfully helped many couples with a spouse change, in addition to, other pre and post marriage issues. We can do the same for you starting today. Contact us now before it is too late to have the marriage you always envisioned.